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Watch Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 3 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:14Good evening, happy Easter, and in the strongest possible terms, hello.
00:24Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, while others of
00:31you did not watch it.
00:33For those who missed it, here's a summary.
00:37You didn't miss much.
00:39And honestly, I'm kicking meself.
00:43I let you down, but everyone deserves a second chance.
00:48Peter Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come, so allow me to try again.
00:59The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month, but I can assure you we
01:05are working at pace towards a de-escalation, and the pace we are working at is leisurely.
01:14I know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling.
01:20Not only in England, but also in the top bit, and the side bits as well.
01:27Life is getting harder.
01:30And furthermore, goodbye.
01:40Wait, wait, wait.
01:45I'm told there's a second page to my speech.
01:49Oh, that's right.
01:51The inspiring part.
01:55Look, I know I'm not inspiring.
01:59When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought the vibe down so much that the interviewer
02:05called the Samaritans.
02:08So I've asked some Britons that people actually like to help me put a pep in your step.
02:15First up, England legend, Harry Kane.
02:30Yeah, cheers, nice one, gaffer.
02:33Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing team talks?
02:38Yeah, obviously, the Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing war way.
02:47Always said that.
02:50But yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack.
02:56You know, sold in defence.
02:58Yeah, good at set pieces too.
03:00So yeah, you've just got to take it one more at a time and yeah, yeah, it's going to be
03:06nice.
03:08Thank you, Harry.
03:16Next up, a Briton with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when the power
03:22runs out.
03:23Film and TV star, Olivia Colman.
03:33Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it?
03:37Blirting with Iran and playing with oil.
03:41Next thing you know, then there's an energy shortage or the power is off and we're snogging in the dark.
03:46Shh, shh, aren't I naughty?
03:50Thanks, Olivia.
03:52Love the enthusiasm.
03:54Our final speaker combines two of my greatest interests.
03:58Outstanding British television and pork.
04:03It's Peppa Pig.
04:11Cheer us up, Peppa.
04:13Thank you, Daddy Care.
04:16Life is hell, but it doesn't last long and soon the sadness will end.
04:23Thanks, Peppa.
04:25You're very different from how you seem on the telly.
04:28And you're very similar.
04:31Well, there you have it.
04:33Big thanks to Britain's Big Three, Harry Cade, MBE, Olivia Colman, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P-I-G-P.
04:44Oh, no.
04:45Here, a couple of power cuts.
04:47Friend for yourselves, everyone.
04:49Olivia Colman's trying to kiss me.
04:51And live from London, it's Saturday Night!
05:01It's Saturday Night Live!
05:04And live.
05:10비� rédu enthusiastic song.
05:17Ayawade Bromboye.
05:23Larry D.
05:30Celeste Briggs
05:36George Moreacres
05:42Anya Magliano
05:48Annabelle Marlow
05:53Al Nash
05:59Jack Shep
06:05And the CD
06:12Honey Yard
06:20Musical guest
06:22Kasabian
06:26And your host
06:28Riz Ahmed
06:38Ladies and gentlemen
06:40Riz Ahmed
06:55Yes, yes, yes
06:57Thank you, thank you so much
07:00Wow
07:01Hello, my name is Riz Ahmed
07:04And it is an absolute honour
07:06To be hosting SNL UK
07:14Now, I'm an actor
07:16I'm a writer
07:17I'm a producer
07:18And I'm a rapper
07:19So for those of you who don't know who I am
07:22Clearly neither do I
07:26I'm working it out
07:28Mostly I'm an actor
07:29You know, and contrary to popular belief
07:31I don't just play intense roles
07:34Okay, I also do some, like, family feel-good stuff
07:37Like, for example
07:38Do you guys, uh
07:39Do you guys know Sound of Music?
07:41Sound of Music?
07:42Why do you all love Sound of Music?
07:43I did a film just like that
07:44Called Sound of Metal
07:46It's almost exactly the same
07:48It's about a musician
07:49Who's slowly going deaf
07:51And he's a heroin addict
07:51Who lives in a van
07:53Just like Sound of Music
07:54And it's feel-good
07:55Because you're not him
07:58But seriously
07:59I've done some comedies as well
08:00Some of you might have seen a film
08:02I did called Four Lions
08:05Thank you, man
08:07That's what I'm saying
08:08It's a feel-good movie
08:10About characters
08:11You can really root for
08:14Christmas movie
08:15But I actually
08:17I've just created
08:18And released my own comedy
08:20It's called Bait
08:22It's just come out
08:23Thank you
08:24Thank you, man
08:27It's about an out-of-work actor
08:30Auditioning to be James Bond
08:31And the character is going
08:33Through an identity crisis
08:34And if you're wondering
08:35Why I made a comedy
08:37About someone having
08:37An identity crisis
08:38Look at me, man
08:40I'm confused
08:42It's not my fault
08:43I grew up in Wembley
08:45But I went to Oxford University
08:48And that's why I sound like this
08:52Like a mix between
08:53Stormzy and Rishi
08:54Sunak
08:57We've actually all got a track together
08:58On my next album
08:59It's called
09:00Oi Roo Boy Shut Up
09:01This is the Quiet Carriage
09:04It's a ban
09:06But I actually feel that
09:07Even this show
09:09Is having an identity crisis
09:10In a way
09:11We're three episodes in
09:12And your hosts have been
09:13American
09:14Irish
09:15And me
09:17Don't worry
09:18Next week
09:18We're going to have
09:20One of the nation's
09:21Most prominent
09:22Asian comedians
09:23Jack Whitehall
09:24You know what I mean
09:25You've seen how much
09:26He goes on holiday
09:27With his parents
09:28Man
09:28That's so Asian
09:30That's so Asian
09:31Don't worry Jack
09:32Your secret is safe with me
09:33Asalaamu Alaikum brother
09:36But sometimes I feel like
09:37The whole nation's
09:38Having this identity crisis
09:39And that's why we're so divided
09:40Right
09:41We're divided over politics
09:42Over the climate
09:43Over the Beckhams
09:45But I think that
09:47I know how to solve it
09:48I think I can solve
09:50Britain's identity crisis
09:51Because I think there's one thing
09:52That unites us all
09:54In essence
09:55What makes us British is
09:58We like it when things
10:00Are a little bit crap
10:03Not totally crap
10:05But just a little bit crap
10:07You know
10:07We like that
10:08We like it
10:09We like giving
10:10Thank you
10:11Yes
10:11We like giving
10:14Crap compliments
10:15You know
10:16Someone says
10:17He's a bit of a character
10:18That means you're a knob
10:19You know
10:20And we like sports
10:22That are a bit crap
10:23Cricket
10:24Can go on for five days
10:26And still be a draw
10:28And we like giving gifts
10:30That are a bit crap
10:31You know
10:31Like original sauce
10:32Mint and tea tree shower gel
10:35My balls feel like
10:37They're in Siberia
10:39Thank you for that auntie
10:40By the way
10:42We celebrate
10:43When things are a bit crap
10:44We literally cheer
10:46When someone drops
10:48Their pint glass
10:49In the pub
10:50That's the best of Britain
10:52We like it
10:54When things
10:55Are a little bit
10:58That's right
10:58So we've got a great show
11:00For you today
11:06Really great show
11:07Actually no
11:07We genuinely have
11:08A fantastic show
11:09It's very un-British of us
11:11We've got Kasabian here
11:13It's going to be a banger
11:15Stick around
11:16And watch this
11:37A lot of people in TV and movies
11:40Always have their phones on loud
11:42I've never met a Gen Z girl
11:44Who has her phone on loud
11:47People phone big in every situation
11:50And no one ever has their own vibration
11:52A lot of people in TV and movies
11:55Always have their phones on loud
11:57People school
11:58Things need a phone-free place
12:00Sharing a clip of a girl on her face
12:02Big, big, big
12:03She's looking around perplexed
12:05How come she's the only one
12:06Who didn't get the chance
12:07A man walks into a corporate space
12:10After committing
12:11A hater sex crime
12:12He's really dumb
12:13Very bad lame
12:15He's getting canceled
12:16And the phones go dang
12:20Calling all the texts
12:21Come at once
12:22All the phones are going off at once
12:25Calling her a slut
12:26And he's a dirty dog
12:27Every single phone
12:29Is going crazy for all
12:30A lot of people in TV and movies
12:33Always have their phones on loud
12:34On loud
12:35I still understand the scene
12:37Without the very loud texting sound
12:40Every text is expositional
12:43Hey dad, can you pick me up?
12:45Now that mom's dead?
12:47All the acts are autotictional
12:49Let me just search that up
12:50On the Glinkle app
12:59Why does FaceTime never look right?
13:01What is your house now?
13:02Studio lights
13:04And now the hell
13:05Is that the first text message
13:06That you've ever sent to your wife?
13:11Well, while we're here
13:13Why do cops
13:14Dating TV and movies
13:15Only have co-workers
13:16At their personal events?
13:18It's your 58th birthday
13:19You're telling me
13:20None of your family went
13:23There's only other cops
13:24At your house
13:25Clearly no one wants to come to your house
13:28It's just colleagues on your wedding day
13:30And you've also got a colleague for a spouse
13:33One, two, yee-haw!
13:34Why is everything in TV and movies
13:36Not how it is in real life?
13:38iPhone's been waterproof since 2016
13:40Why'd you put it in rice?
13:42And people answer the phone while they're having sex
13:44The phone is hard, Bluetooth always connects
13:46CEOs with email notifications
13:48And the phone contacts include relations
13:51The calls are always so fast-paced
13:53iPhones have an Android interface
13:55Yeah, sure, I've never seen a phone before
13:57Make a confidential call at the Apple store
13:59But mostly it's the way
14:02TV and films all sound
14:06With all the phones all along
14:09All the phones all along
14:11So sort it out
14:16Wait, Mom, slow down
14:17Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested?
14:22Don't panic
14:22I'll order a goober there
14:50In today's challenge
14:52Our contestants added a whopping
14:55£4,250 to the prize fund
14:58But now it's time for the faithfuls
15:01To return to the round table
15:03Can they uncover
15:05Who amongst them is
15:07A great big crab man?
15:16I'd like to start
15:17This experience has been amazing
15:19But at the end of the day
15:21We need to find
15:22The great big crab man
15:24But there's someone here
15:27I just don't trust
15:29And that person is
15:34It's yourself, Imran
15:38Great, we're doing this again
15:40I know I was wrong
15:41About Kaya, Mechel
15:43And Ife
15:48But I have a feeling
15:50I just can't shake
15:52Though I'm obviously
15:54Not a great big crab man
15:56To be fair
15:58That is exactly
15:59What a great big crab man
16:00Would say
16:02Okay
16:04Okay, I'm just gonna come out
16:05And say
16:06Why is nobody
16:07Looking at Sebastian?
16:13I've only got two
16:15100%
16:16Not
16:17A great big crab man
16:18And it's myself
16:20And Sebastian
16:23Look at him, bro
16:24He's a flipping crab
16:25See, getting defensive like that
16:27It only makes you look more
16:29Like a great big crab man
16:32Okay, okay
16:32What about today's challenge?
16:3530 seconds
16:36You've got this
16:38Go towards it
16:40What's wrong with you man?
16:41Just go forward
16:46Imran, he told us his ankles only work sideways
16:49Everybody knows he's trying to win the money to pay for an ankle doctor
16:54Okay, fine
16:55So why was he acting so weird at breakfast?
16:58Because he's tired
16:59You can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical reasons
17:03Can I just say
17:05I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight
17:08To be fair to Imran
17:09To be fair to Imran
17:11All I've seen Sebastian eat is algae, seaweed and invertebrates
17:14And for me, that's suspicious
17:17The time for talk is over
17:20Now, it's time to vote
17:38Time's up
17:39Enormous good luck everyone
17:43I'm sorry
17:46It is what it is
17:50Sorry girl
17:52Imran, I'm so sorry
18:00Love you man
18:05Imran, you have received the most votes
18:08Would you like to join me please?
18:16Listen yeah
18:18I've had an amazing time
18:19It's been an incredible journey
18:21And I've made friends for life
18:22But
18:23There's something there in my heart
18:25And I've got to come out and say it
18:28I'm obviously not a great big crab man
18:31You idiots
18:33Imran out
18:37What the hell are you playing at?
18:41You've just voted off another not a great big crab man
18:46And the real great big crab man is still out there
18:49Laughing at you
18:52Okay
18:53Okay
18:54I'm just gonna say it
18:55There's someone who is slipping under the radar
18:59At tomorrow's round table
19:00The person I'll be looking at
19:02Hey, hey, hey
19:03I'll pack my box
19:18Okay
19:19Hey
19:19You're really good
19:22Operation
19:22Isn't that a game for like six year olds?
19:25Okay
19:25Why don't you give it a go then?
19:27Okay
19:27I will
19:29It's simple
19:30You just
19:34Oh
19:35Okay, that was a warm up
19:39You can leave it babe
19:40No, no, no
19:41It's fine
19:41It's easy
19:47Babe
19:48Babe
19:48Come to bed
19:51Yeah
19:51Yeah
19:52One minute
19:56Kids
19:56Get in the car
19:57Mummy will be there in a sec
20:00Are you coming or not?
20:05Wow
20:17Are you coming?
20:19We're cutting the cake
20:27It's just a game
20:29It's not just a game
20:30It literally is
20:32It says it on the box
20:33It's six plus
20:38Stop looking at me
20:40I can't take it anymore
20:50We're leaving
20:53Hey
20:55I lifted it clean
21:01I lifted it clean
21:09So I'm there just fully committed
21:11Waving at them
21:12Grinning like an idiot
21:13And walked straight past me
21:14Oh no
21:16You just felt like such a plum
21:17Oh I've missed this
21:20I've missed you
21:23So have I
21:25Help
21:25Help
21:26Yeah
21:26Is there a doctor in the house?
21:28One of our diners
21:28Is there a doctor in the house?
21:29Are you serious?
21:40Come on
21:41No wait
21:44Look at this
21:45Honey
21:46Are you sure about this?
21:49Everybody stand back
21:57Give me those
22:00What are you?
22:01Oh my god
22:06I'm coming from the bread basket
22:07What the?
22:10God help me
22:11What is all this?
22:22You have to believe me
22:23There was supposed to be pieces
22:24And then the butterfly
22:25And the bread box
22:26Why ever say
22:26You're coming with me
22:27Olivia
22:29Olivia
22:29Tell them
22:30Olivia
22:49This is OG FM
22:51Coming at you
22:52Old classics for old heads
22:54It's all 90s music
22:55All the time
22:56And we mean all the time
22:59When we want to talk
23:00We just turn it up
23:01Turn it down very slightly
23:04On the deck
23:05You've got MC Twister
23:06DJ Tilaire and me
23:07Lady Magnum
23:08Pink Lemonade
23:09And yes
23:09All our names are types of ice cream
23:14Coincidence
23:17If you remember these tunes
23:19From back in the day
23:20Then you are old
23:21Shout out to my middle aged
23:22Brothers and sisters
23:24Nostalgia
23:24Coming at you
23:28Alright
23:29Alright
23:29So tonight
23:30We've got some real talk
23:31For all you over 50s
23:33Prostate cancer
23:34Real serious
23:35But people don't talk about it
23:36Because it's a butt one
23:39Use it on platform for good
23:41Alright
23:41We've got a mad guest
23:43In the studio
23:43Here to educate us
23:44It's Dr. Rishi
23:46Come on
23:47Big ups Dr. Rishi
23:47Look at shop
23:49I appreciate that
23:52So yeah
23:53I mean
23:54Thanks
23:54Thanks for having me
23:56Alright doc
23:57Doctor knowledge on us
23:58Yeah sorry
23:59Sorry yeah
24:00Well prostate cancer
24:01Is a condition
24:02That actually affects
24:03One in eight men
24:04Shout out to Michelle
24:06In SW5
24:07Going hard on the weekend
24:13What are you saying Dr. Rishi?
24:14Right yeah
24:15Yeah so the prostate
24:16It's small gland
24:18It's just behind the
24:20Shout out to Jane
24:20The divorce is final
24:23She's back on the pill
24:25P-p-p-p-p-p-pill
24:28Take it away doc
24:29Take it away
24:30Okay yeah
24:31Okay suppose
24:32Well
24:32You know diet
24:33Diet is very important
24:34Hey yo don't forget
24:35Monday's a bank holiday
24:36Four day week
24:37Four day week
24:38What?
24:38You've got no
24:40Diet is something
24:41Tony Estretum
24:42Just put his dog down
24:43Pray us up for the poodle
24:46Diet is something
24:48East and south and west
24:51Statistically around 55,000 new cases
24:54Okay I was just trying to say
24:57Just before
24:58Just there with the
24:59Diet is a good way to minimise your risk
25:01Red meat is sensible
25:02You should think about swapping it out
25:04With an oily fish
25:05Perhaps a salmon
25:05Or a mackerel
25:06Hey yo pick up the North Sea
25:07Come on
25:10Can we stop
25:11Please I'm sorry
25:12Can we just stop
25:13What's up big man
25:15Is there any way you could just stop the music
25:17Just for like a minute
25:18Because this is
25:19Sorry doc this is OGFM
25:20All 90s music all the time
25:22Literally all the time
25:23Yes my sister
25:24If you've got something important to say
25:25You've got to ride the beat
25:27What do you mean ride the beat
25:29Medical freestyle
25:30Off the dome
25:34Seriously
25:34Yeah I spent some wisdom Dr. Rishi
25:36Yeah tell the people what they've got to know
25:38Hippocratic oath
25:42Okay fine
25:44Fine yeah okay
25:44Um
25:46Prostate
25:47Prostate
25:49Check it
25:50Before it's too late
25:52Early detection is vital
25:54For your survival
25:57Alright
25:57Turn my headphones up
26:05Up a bit more
26:06Yeah
26:06Don't hide away
26:08Get your PSA
26:09The blood test is best
26:09So don't delay
26:10No joking
26:11Stop smoking
26:12I'm thinking
26:13Less drinking
26:14Check your BMI
26:15If the number's high
26:16Then we'll make a plan
26:17Get your number right
26:17If you're older 50
26:18Got a family history
26:19And the blow is weak
26:20Don't see your GP
26:21Or my G's in the back
26:22Who are black
26:23Your risk is higher
26:24That's a fact
26:25Don't be brave
26:26Don't act like a trooper
26:27If you've got P's
26:28I'll wait for the future
26:28Just call Poofer
26:29Open an Uber
26:30Reach like me
26:31Happy birthday to ya
26:32And if this man in your P
26:34Call 111
26:35Dr. Rishi
26:36Dr. Rishi
26:37Dr. Rishi
26:38Dr. Rishi
26:38Dr. Rishi
26:39Dr. Rishi
26:40Dr. Rishi
26:45Yes
26:46Yes
26:47Yes
26:47Save your eyes
26:48With the advice
26:49Dr. Rishi
26:50In the house
26:51Yes
26:51Come on
27:07Ladies and gents
27:09It's Kasabian
27:26As she goes
27:29It's me again
27:30Hello
27:31I can't stop her voice
27:37Now it's you and me
27:40And I am lost for work
27:43I just keep on falling
27:47Watch me go
27:49I'm afraid
27:53Pretender
27:56Oh
27:57Baby
27:59Blow
28:00Now it's not for me
28:04So when you're
28:07You can dance again
28:09Dance again
28:11You can dance again
28:15Dance again
28:19I just keep on
28:23Watch me as I go
28:26I live and make believe
28:28I got a music call
28:34Where do you hide
28:35If you don't know
28:37Who you are
28:37But you love it
28:39And you're not the same
28:41So don't fear it now
28:44Watch me go
28:46I'm a great
28:48Pretender
28:51Pretender
28:52Yeah
28:54Yeah
28:55Baby
28:56Blow
28:57Now it's time for me
29:01To surrender
29:03You can dance again
29:06Dance again
29:07Dance again
29:10Dance again
29:11You can dance again
29:12Dance again
29:16Dance again
29:17Dance again
29:19Dance again
29:20And you're not the same
29:25You can dance again
29:33Dance again
29:34Dance again
29:36You know, we won't stop you, we can never surrender again
30:17It's Weekend Update with Tanya Magliano and Paddy Young
30:24Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update
30:35Hey, I'm Paddy Young
30:36And I'm Anya Magliano
30:41The war between Iran and the US has entered its second month
30:45Second month?
30:47Ooh, it's starting to get serious
30:50This week, a US airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge
30:55Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure
30:58A senior US military official said
31:01Oh my God, we're so sorry, we thought it was a school
31:10President Trump has criticised the UK's Navy for being, quote, too old
31:15Too old for Donald Trump? What is it?
31:1818
31:21Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated
31:24One admiral said, I'm going to go there and give him a piece of my mind
31:28Just as soon as the wind picks up
31:32It's true, the UK only has one submarine and half the crew are dead
31:39Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years
31:45Referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled
31:48Well, they think they've quadrupled, they actually look fine
31:57It's been revealed that meta-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is building a bunker under his compound in California
32:04And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did
32:15In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job at the BBC
32:19This after police searched the Radio 2 presenter's hard drive and found over 100 terabytes of decent music
32:28In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island has taken the internet by storm
32:34It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist?
32:37The contestants are AI-generated fruit
32:40Yes, this is genuinely a real thing that millions of people are tuning into every day
32:45Here to comment on this viral sensation is random, former, real Love Island contestant
32:51Chloe Bibirinkle
32:52Oh, no, no, no, he's so muggy AI has nicked my job
33:00It's taken me, a human professional lady, years to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bed sheet
33:08Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead
33:13Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?
33:16Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs to quell the flow of my tears
33:20It's giving Kleenex
33:24Which series were you in?
33:25Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters, the villa in Djibouti
33:31And what's it actually like to be on the show?
33:34Oh, my God, it's amazing
33:35So, okay, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way
33:40Then imagine there's a pole, but none of us like to swim
33:43Then imagine the memory of UK garage
33:45Then imagine getting a text
33:47It was like that
33:50And did you find love in the villa?
33:52Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Dee
33:54But get this, week after we left
33:56I found out he was in fact a mirage
33:58Due to my heat stroke
34:01Sorry, but why do so much grafting when you're a mirage?
34:07I'm sworn off mirages now
34:08Big dicks, though
34:12Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit
34:14Like, with love and light, you don't seem well
34:17Yeah, I'm moving spooky
34:19I'm moving spooky
34:20I was like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny
34:27Of course I would
34:29But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain
34:32Like it or lump it
34:34If the British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato
34:38Then so be it
34:39A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way
34:41It is a fruit
34:42What?
34:42Okay, I'm not worth it
34:43I'm not worth it
34:44It's not worth it
34:46Love the island condition
34:47It's not worth it
34:48Thank you, everybody
34:55It's Easter
34:58That's right, the time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian we're allowed to talk about
35:12And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues
35:20Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of box
35:24Has been unable to convince doctors to call off their upcoming six-day strike
35:31So a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call
35:34What goes up your butt will stay up your butt for the best part of a week
35:39It will be the best part
35:42According to a police report
35:44At the scene of his car crash in Florida last week
35:47Tiger Woods had two opioid pills in his pocket
35:50Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream
35:56The Artemis 2 mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side of the moon
36:02And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon
36:05That's where the bum is
36:09Inspired by the success of Artemis 2
36:12Britain's space agency is planning to launch its own rocket to the moon
36:15And it will
36:16Just as soon as the wind picks up
36:20In lighter news this week
36:22An adorable little door mouse
36:24Was found dozing in an old helium balloon caught in a tree in Essex
36:28Here to tell us about his big adventure
36:30Is an adorable little door mouse
36:36Hi guys
36:37I'm adorable to be here
36:39Oh you're so cute it's so wonderful to have you here an adorable little door
36:46Cool look at all these big scary cameras
36:48Oh it's okay don't be intimidated
36:50Okay camera three where you at camera three where you at
36:53Okay camera three you got me girl
36:57Hey Vogue I'm an adorable little door mouse
36:59And this looks in my bag
37:04Okay so up first you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear as a hat
37:11And next up oh I don't go anywhere without my aesop hyaluronic face miss defense barrier
37:17Shout out to aesop
37:20And up next this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky but it's hot sauce
37:26Sorry are you just making content
37:28I'm an influencer Anya
37:30My adorable story is blowing up and it's my time to shine
37:34I'm only going to live for four years Anya
37:36And I'll spend three of those years hibernating
37:38I've got to grab my moment
37:41And that's why over the course of this answer
37:44I've already moved on from being an influencer
37:46To being a red carpet reporter
37:48Anya Anya hey girl we're here with Vershke jeans
37:51What are you wearing girl tell me what you're wearing
37:52Don't tell me it's the boys with character collection from Georgia Asda
37:56You look amazing Anya girl
37:58You hungry girl?
38:00And my subway take
38:01I think that
38:02I think that raspberries are nice
38:06100% agree 100% agree
38:08Oh wow
38:10He's so cute
38:11You really are moving through the life cycle of fame at an unbelievable rate
38:15Welcome back to Of Door Mice and Man where I'm talking
38:20With my guest Anya Magliano about me being adorable
38:24Oh you've got a podcast now
38:27Being adorable was always my superpower
38:30You know
38:32Suddenly I realised that people wanted me to be adorable all the time
38:35And I could never be off
38:37Sorry
38:37Sorry
38:41But now
38:42My listeners can get help to switch off
38:44Thanks to our sponsor
38:45Dignitas
38:59Dignitas?
39:00Ahhhhh
39:01Little doorbells everybody
39:11Five Met police officers have been taken off duty after a bag of guns was accidentally left on the street
39:18in London
39:18I feel sorry for the police
39:21Sometimes you're so busy killing women that you forget where you left your bloody machine gun
39:25What am I like?
39:29the government is passing new laws to make it easier to cancel online subscriptions and unwanted
39:34auto renewals good news for me bad news for dr chubbs penis pump emporium whose platinum club is
39:41about to lose a member a rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth without fertilization
39:51for the second time does anyone else find it kind of weird that god keeps bonking this steak
40:01a peacock named pete who has recently taken up residence in surrey has reportedly learned to
40:07knock on doors with his beak sadly he's doing so to alert the neighborhood that he's a registered
40:12sex offender according to a new report from the department of education children under five
40:19should have no more than one hour of screen time per day to help improve physical health and family
40:25relationships to discuss the impact this might have on parenting here's a father and son who still do
40:47skin on skin thank you for having us no problem uh now let's talk about screen time oh it's a
40:57scourge
40:58it breaks my heart to get up that carvery and see our families glued to their phones nobody looking at
41:07the
41:07park why can't everyone just be normal yeah my boys never looked at the screen
41:19and look at you he's thriving yeah you guys clearly have a strong bond is that because you're screen free
41:28yeah i don't need an ipad i can just pad this chest until the happy hormones start g-g-g
41:37-g-g-gushing
41:39why are you still doing this well the midwife recommended it for as long as you can
41:45it was great when i were a baby but it's better now i'm 32
41:50it's nice to know if things are stressful at work but i can get home and get right on to
41:54dad
41:57how does it reduce stress many many ways regulates the heart rate slows the breathing helps with the
42:05breastfeeding breastfeeding men have got the glands as well it just takes discipline paddy nobody has
42:15discipline these days are you smelling his head yeah that's the best bit
42:24you know that new new you know that newborn baby smell well it's that but older
42:36this is unconventional but i have to say you guys seem really happy there's always room for one more paddy
42:44last christmas we got two uncles and a cousin on here pop that shirt off paddy lad don't be a
42:51stranger oh thank you father and son who still do skin on skin oh let me get in here
42:57happy
42:59happy
42:59happy
43:00happy
43:00happy
43:00happy
43:00happy
43:01happy
43:01happy
43:01happy
43:01happy
43:01happy
43:02happy
43:02happy
43:03happy
43:03happy
43:04happy
43:05happy
43:06happy
43:06happy
43:38Good evening.
43:39We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge to conceive a work of Gothic horror
43:46that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.
43:51Tonight, three authors present their works.
43:55Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorne, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.
44:07Miss Faust, you have the floor.
44:10Tonight, I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood of the living.
44:16I call it Nosferatu.
44:23Mr. Blackthorne, in my hands, the tale of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable bloodlust.
44:34I give you the wolfman.
44:40And finally, Sir Humphrey.
44:43Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror.
44:51I give you the bastard seagull.
44:55Mr. Seagull.
45:02Okay.
45:03Okay, questions.
45:07Um, sorry, I'm confused.
45:10Is this like an evil seagull?
45:12It won't bloody leave.
45:14The bastard.
45:17Okay, not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort.
45:21Perhaps now let's hear a passage from Miss Faust.
45:24The reading, gentlemen.
45:30It was dawn.
45:32At fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world,
45:38the man awoke with a start to find the seagull very close.
45:46But a pubes length from his face.
45:50He screamed, hee-oh!
45:54But the bastard didn't give one single toss.
46:03Okay, let's move on, Mr. Blackthorne.
46:05Sorry, um, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?
46:09It keeps coming in the window.
46:12But why doesn't he just shut it?
46:14It's stuck.
46:15It's like one of those old sash windows, and it's totally jammed.
46:23Sorry, is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom?
46:27No, not all of it.
46:28Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord.
46:33Sir Humphrey, may I remind you, this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.
46:38This is clearly a household maintenance issue.
46:40Yes, Mr. Blackthorne.
46:42Why can't he just fix the window?
46:45He's tried.
46:46Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental.
46:53Wait, so there's more than one seagull?
46:55You're the bastard brought his bastard friend.
46:59Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.
47:03For God's sake, please can we move on to one of the other books?
47:07Yes, you, sir.
47:09Uh, hi.
47:10Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them off?
47:14Yeah, well, he got an owl.
47:17And it's only made it worse, because the seagulls didn't leave.
47:23And now the owl thinks he's its baby.
47:26And he keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat.
47:30Well, yeah, yeah, and now tell me about it.
47:33Yeah.
47:34And the whole room stinks.
47:37And now there's a badger.
47:39Stop, sir, stop.
47:42Stop.
47:43You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears.
47:47But this, I think, is something that's happened specifically to you,
47:49because you can't close your window.
47:51How dare you, sir?
47:54If a bastard seagull is a work of universal terror.
48:00There's nothing scary about a seagull, sir.
48:04I am a slave, a dog, a dog, a bloody dog,
48:10for your lickers, for your lickers.
48:18Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Casabria!
48:31We arrived at the same place
48:38Kitten tied by the lights upon your face
48:46Bodies move on the floor, say,
48:53Eyes wide open, now we can both escape
49:02Now we're finally here together
49:05Seeing you release the pressure
49:08Even through this long weather
49:12Release the pressure
49:15Release the pressure
49:17Release the pressure
49:19Release the pressure
49:23Release the pressure
49:25Release the pressure
49:26Release the pressure
49:44We arrived at the same place
49:51Hit the tide by the lights up on your face
49:58We were so far from home, last down a rabbit hole
50:02No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:06We were so far from home, last down a rabbit hole
50:10No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:17Get your hands in the air
50:20On your three feet, sweet
50:29Now we're finally here together
50:33Seeing you release the pressure
50:36Even to the sound we're in
50:40Release the pressure
50:43Release the pressure
50:45Release the pressure
50:47Release the pressure
50:49Release the pressure
50:50Release the pressure
50:54I wanna save our soul
51:10I'm coming in, I'm coming in.
51:12Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
51:49You
51:49Basically I keep having nightmares. I'm gonna leave my baby on the bus which is weird because I never take
51:54the boss
51:56Sasha darling, you could leave your baby anywhere
52:01Hi, sorry, we're late. Sorry. Hi. You must be Nick. Well, welcome. Oh, thank you. Look, um, before you meet
52:07my partner
52:08I just wanted to give you a heads up
52:10Big weekend coming up. A lot of big feelings
52:16Oh! Oh!
52:18Oh!
52:20Oh!
52:23No one look at me. I'm a house
52:26Oh my god, that's the Easter bunny. Oh, well, we'll do pickies later. Nick, give me a hand
52:31Yeah, just give me a hand. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Just trust me. Give me
52:34a way. Okay
52:35Oh! Oh! Oh!
52:39Oh!
52:39Oh, Pascal
52:41Can I just say
52:42It's so nice to see another gay couple here
52:45Yeah, seriously, so nice
52:46We meet a couple like you and it's like, yeah
52:48They are the exact same thing as us
52:52I don't know that exact same thing
52:54So, Nick and Pascal, how are you feeling?
52:59Oh, gosh, um, I mean all the normal stuff
53:01I think, right? Nervous, excited
53:03Yeah, yeah, really stressed about pushing all 82 million of them out
53:11Oh, but hey
53:12What are people supposed to do?
53:14Not have Easter eggs
53:15Oh my god
53:18You give birth to Easter eggs
53:20No, he does
53:25I assumed
53:27Gosh, sorry, I suddenly feel a bit sick
53:29I assumed Easter eggs were all made in factories
53:32Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history, my love
53:37Somehow I don't think it's a queer thing
53:40Well, what is it then?
53:56What is it then?
53:57I mean, my body's short
53:59My nipples are so long
54:01You could braid them
54:02Oh, that's a good idea
54:04For Bella's wedding
54:05You braid my nipples
54:05Yeah, that's really good
54:06You must be so proud
54:08Watching the whole nation eat them
54:09What?
54:13He thinks people raise the eggs as their children
54:16Can we please not pull the curtain back on this?
54:18Thank you
54:18My ears are famously huge, Nick
54:21You're not even covering up the holes
54:24Babe, babe, babe, babe, babe
54:25Don't freak out
54:26No, no, no, no
54:27Is it true what he said?
54:28The foreign one?
54:31I'm Scottish
54:33Babe, the eggs
54:36They're chocolate
54:37Nick
54:39You're scaring me
54:42Chocolate is food, Pascal
54:44I can't shield you from this anymore
54:46They eat the eggs because chocolate is food
54:49But, but, hey, hey
54:51Those eggs make a lot of people very happy
54:55They, they do?
54:57Yes
54:58Yes, children
54:59And adults who are too close to their parents
55:03And people who win crap raffles in May
55:06Give so many people so much joy
55:09I love you so much
55:11I'm so proud of you
55:12And I'm proud of us
55:13And I'm proud of you
55:15I'm proud of us
55:17Is it rude to ask, like, where the eggs come out of?
55:23How dare you?
55:26This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873
55:32Crack house pit bulls lead better lives
55:36You know what?
55:37You know what?
55:38I am wrung out like a flannel
55:39And you've done nothing but belittle me, him and our community
55:44Since we've arrived
55:45Boys, as an ally, I am mortified
55:49Do you know what?
55:49Just save your apologies
55:50He's due any minute in the birthing process
55:52He's literally one of the scariest things you can possibly imagine
55:55So we're leaving
55:57Help me up, Nick
55:57Help me up, Nick
55:58Don't shock me
55:59Don't shock me
55:59Surrender to me
56:00Okay, okay
56:01Get the bags, get the bags
56:02Get the car ready
56:04It's outrageous
56:05I don't know why we even bother
56:11And they come out the back
56:27Wow
56:28Make some noise
56:31My biggest thanks to Kasabian
56:33And a huge thank you to the cast, the writers
56:36Everyone working on tonight's show
56:38For making it such an unforgettable week
56:40Thank you so much for tuning in, for turning up
56:43And good night
57:24Thank you so much for tuning in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for
57:27coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in,
57:28for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming
57:28in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for
57:28coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in,
57:28for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming
57:29in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for
57:29coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in, for coming in,
57:29for coming in, for coming in, for
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