- 9 hours ago
EastEnders 13th April 2026
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TVTranscript
00:00Music
00:05Music
00:09Music
00:33Happy
00:35We can do!
00:45It's a bit early, isn't it?
00:47Well, yeah, we were going to do it at the Albert,
00:48but Ma'am got Harry's barn, so we're going to start it early.
00:51Who have you come as? Marge Simpson?
00:53Oh, suck religion! I'm a weefer Franklin, thank you very much.
00:57I'll say a little prayer for you,
00:59because the theme is actually 60s chic, yeah?
01:01So this Wainetta slob look is not going to cut it, baby.
01:05Do you know what?
01:05I would rather a couple of wines
01:07in a McClunkey's bonanza bucket if I'm honest.
01:09Do me a favour.
01:10Listen, you are not escaping the ritual of humiliation.
01:15It is tradition.
01:17Do you see?
01:18No, Cathy's bringing around your costume,
01:19and we'll see you at Harry's barn later.
01:21Yeah? Yeah.
01:22Come on, see you.
01:24Yes, come on!
01:26Come on!
01:27Come on!
01:30Have to see a drink in the bit later.
01:32Yeah, pretty nice.
01:33Hey, Sam!
01:34Coming to the hen do?
01:35More the merrier?
01:36Oh, I'd love to, but I've got plans.
01:40Yeah.
01:40Been in the diary for ages.
01:42Have fun, girls!
01:43And chill!
01:44Great!
01:45See you later, too.
01:53It seems real, eh?
01:57How can I be having a hen do when I don't even know
01:59if I should be getting married, eh?
02:03Bye, Mum.
02:07Thank you so much, Mum.
02:08Appreciate it.
02:09Uh, Lauren and Max won't be back from the auction till late,
02:12and, well, you know what stank news are like.
02:13Yeah, I do.
02:14And if you end up in France,
02:16bring me back a bit of rosé.
02:18You don't miss a trick, do you?
02:20Never.
02:20And I get to watch Disney films with my favourite boys.
02:23Yes!
02:24Hercules!
02:25Oi, oi!
02:27Your stag do is going to be remembered for years to come.
02:30Well, that's just kind of what I'm counting on,
02:32but, er, what's in the bag?
02:33Handcuffs and mankinis?
02:41I really thought you and Ross would have sought this by now.
02:44Nope.
02:45Brushed it under the carpet, didn't I?
02:47I didn't want to hurt him.
02:50He's paranoid that I'm going to run off with my secret bloke.
03:01I love him.
03:03And I don't want to live with his psycho son when he gets out.
03:06Then you've got to talk to Ross.
03:09Sorry.
03:11Interrupt, saint.
03:12No.
03:13I was just on my way, mate.
03:23It's all very kind of you,
03:24but I am quite happy going on my own.
03:26And shouldn't you all be getting ready for the hen party anyway?
03:29I can do both.
03:30Listen, we've got to show Nigel how much we love him.
03:32Listen, ask Jasmine. She knew him.
03:34It's a carer. I'm not Disneyland.
03:36Listen, we want her to be part of the family.
03:38Include her, yeah? Go on.
03:40All right.
03:42Hi, Josh.
03:44Jasmine, we're going to see Nigel if he wanted to come with us.
03:47Oh, um...
03:48I mean, I know he ran you over and everything, but...
03:50you know...
03:51But it was an accident.
03:53Listen, we just want to show him that, you know, he's not forgotten.
03:56Yeah?
03:57I love nice. Can I come?
03:58Yeah, yeah, of course.
03:59Come on.
04:00Oh, yeah. Yeah, then I'm in.
04:02Amazing. See you outside.
04:07Right.
04:08Anything you can say to Zach, you can say it to me.
04:14You said you didn't trust me, and...
04:18you were right not to.
04:20Cos I haven't been honest with you.
04:24Talk to me.
04:28I'm scared for us when Joel comes out.
04:34I don't know how we're going to fix it.
04:36We've got time to work something out.
04:38No, we don't.
04:39I don't want to go on my head with all the girls talking about my dream man if...
04:45If you're going to choose your son over me.
04:48It's not a choice.
04:49No, it is.
04:51Ross, I'm sorry, it is.
04:53If you want Joel living with you, then I won't be.
04:56Is this punishment because I said I didn't trust you?
04:59You know, you haven't got to blackmail me over me own son.
05:01You're not.
05:02I respect your loyalty to Joel.
05:07I won't live with the boy who nearly killed me.
05:13Darn it.
05:16You've given me a lot to think about, okay?
05:19I don't want you to do any more thinking.
05:23I just want to know that you choose me.
05:25I want to marry you, don't I?
05:28Look, I don't have all the answers, Vic.
05:31Okay, alright?
05:32He's my son, and you are the innocent party.
05:36Hello, Vic.
05:37Come on, I've got your head outfit here.
05:41Are we going to do this in the center?
05:46Yeah.
05:47Yeah.
05:54Nice outfit, by the way.
05:57Vicky said that if she had to dress up, so did I.
06:00Well, you've got enough booze to stand around, huh?
06:02Thanks for sorting this out, Pen.
06:04You've done us proud.
06:06Ladies!
06:07Oh!
06:07My mum and Sharon have paid for all the booze.
06:11Oh!
06:12I'm feeling it!
06:13No, no, no, no!
06:15I'm not starting on the free booze before the hen gets there.
06:17This is my only night off from being a mum.
06:20I want to let the head down.
06:21And that's just why you started on the booze hours ago, yes?
06:23Oh, sue me for wanting to party.
06:25I'll get my own.
06:26No.
06:27So my Billy's taking me up the West End tomorrow.
06:32Hashtag blessed.
06:34Are we still saying that?
06:36Hashtag, you know, couples goals.
06:38That's you and Billy, isn't it?
06:40Yeah.
06:41A bit like me and Howie, may I just add?
06:43Yeah.
06:43Oh!
06:44And me and Jack.
06:45Jack, I have to pinch myself on, I think, where we were a year ago.
06:49Well, you know what that is, innit?
06:51It's the magical healing properties of not sleeping with other people.
06:55Shut up, Kim.
06:58I mean, you could have a couple's goals, couldn't you?
07:00If you got together with Ian.
07:01What do you think, ladies?
07:02Yeah.
07:04Yeah.
07:04And Denise can give you a few tips because back in the day...
07:06Like I said, shut up, Kimberly.
07:09You know, I don't think I can take the risk, to be honest.
07:12Because I was in love once, but it didn't end well.
07:16At all.
07:17Yeah.
07:17I mean, it's not like I'm demanding or anything.
07:20You know, all I want from a relationship is respect, compassion, laughter,
07:26chemistry, intellect, ambition, adoration.
07:30You know, just the basics, really.
07:31Just the basics.
07:32And, um, for some things, on a Wednesday would be nice.
07:35But, you know, not the red ones, because...
07:39I think you weren't mad if it might be a little star.
07:41No.
07:41No, I'll be just going to mind.
07:44Yeah.
07:44Yeah.
07:45Cheers.
07:47Oh, lovely.
07:52Come on, then.
07:53Give us a twirl.
07:54Really?
07:55Really.
07:55Good.
07:59Oh, you can be as miserable as your mother sometimes.
08:03Come on, then.
08:04What's up?
08:04Give me the wine, Kat.
08:06Thanks.
08:11Me and Ross don't trust each other.
08:13Why?
08:15Is it all about this Zack business?
08:17Because you've got to put it all behind you, all right?
08:20It was just one kiss.
08:24It ain't just that.
08:25It's...
08:26I gave Ross an ultimatum about Joel moving back.
08:30And, um...
08:30Well, he said he needed to think about it, but he still wants to marry me.
08:33Well, that sounds promising, doesn't it?
08:36Does it?
08:37Yes.
08:37It does.
08:38So, come on.
08:39Go and put your slap on.
08:41Because you are going to get plastered.
08:43And then you're going to get married.
08:45Even if it kills me.
08:48He's got pneumonia, so, um...
08:50He's been in and out of hospital over the last couple of days.
08:53Julie, sorry.
08:53We didn't know.
08:54Don't go.
08:55No, stay.
08:56Please.
08:57Could really do with cheering.
08:58I've got my Nigel.
08:59Can I?
09:02Nigel?
09:03My granddaughter, Jasmine.
09:04Remember her, don't you?
09:07I know.
09:08I don't look old enough, do I?
09:10Don't know about that.
09:13Hi, Nigel.
09:16Where'd you disappear to?
09:17Well, if we're going to have a pie or any pie, Favis, right?
09:20That's a really good idea.
09:21Thanks.
09:22Very much.
09:24Help yourself, everyone.
09:27Come on, Julie said it's fine.
09:29Shall I do a good time, yeah?
09:32Jean said you two like a sing-song.
09:34Yeah.
09:35Oh, that reminds me.
09:37I made a speaker out of a loo roll.
09:39It was a top tip in my magazine.
09:42So, um...
09:42Ta-da!
09:43Oh!
09:45Yeah.
09:47It's good sound quality, isn't it?
09:49And so stylish.
09:50Yeah!
09:51I prefer my speaker, Jean.
09:53Don't really fancy an old bog, Rona Modras.
09:54It didn't take away.
09:56Nigel loves this song.
09:57Aw.
09:58Yeah.
09:58Yeah.
09:59Yeah.
10:00Yeah.
10:00Yeah.
10:04Yeah.
10:10Yeah.
10:11Yeah.
10:13Yeah.
10:15Yeah.
10:17I don't know the words.
10:18That don't matter. For years, Dan thought Bob Dylan was singing Knocking on Kevin's Door.
10:23I thought, who the hell's Kevin?
10:34So why do you want me fun?
10:36What happens on the stag stays on the stag.
10:39Come on, phone. Where's your phone?
10:40Oi, I'll be fun. Come on.
10:42Thank you, Jack. Lovely. Thank you.
10:44Come on, Ian. What you got lined up for us?
10:46I'll tell you, you are going to love it.
10:49Peter! No!
10:51Wait for it. Wait for it.
10:53We are going to have an indoor sports day.
10:59No. Yes, I guess.
11:00Is that why you confiscated our phones?
11:02Yeah, so the shame fleets can't see the evidence.
11:05No, no, no. We're meant to be in the prime of our lives.
11:09Come on.
11:09Yeah!
11:12Right, let's kick off with beer darts.
11:15Beer's all round, and a set of your finest arrows, please.
11:17All right, boys, let's kick off with that.
11:19That's what you're doing.
11:20I'm gasping up.
11:23So, are you and Vicky earlier looking as thick as thieves?
11:29Why are you going to drink with me and not get in the hammer with that lot?
11:32Come on, Sam. You can talk to me.
11:35I'm a mate.
11:39Listen, Vicky cheated on us.
11:42What?
11:45Wait.
11:48Oh.
11:55Just a few drinks, yeah?
11:56Yeah, it's all right.
11:57Deal.
11:57Go.
12:12We're starting to love you, Sam.
12:16I only want to be with you.
12:18Are you living together?
12:20I mean, is that a total nightmare?
12:22Or is it sexy as hell?
12:24Can you at least pretend you're not enjoying this, Sam?
12:26Listen, I'm recovering from breast cancer, okay?
12:29I'm allowed to enjoy a little bit of scandal, right?
12:32It's fair.
12:32Right.
12:33So, is Vicky going to leave Ross?
12:36Is that what you want?
12:38No.
12:38I don't know.
12:41I want her to be happy.
12:43Oh, shut up.
12:45Stop being such a girl.
12:46Why are you a misogynist?
12:50Look, Ross is a good bloke.
12:52They've got a nice life together.
12:54Steady.
12:55They go out at work.
12:56They work hard.
12:56They come in here for a pint of an evening.
12:58Sounds like the end of a marriage, not the start.
13:00Stop being so horrible.
13:02All right, then.
13:03What do you want?
13:04All the same.
13:08Got the goosebumps, you know?
13:10Well, look.
13:13Me and Vicky got it.
13:14It's electric.
13:15It's not just sex.
13:16It's water.
13:19It just works, all right?
13:24Well, listen to me.
13:26If this is what you want, then I think you've got to fight for it.
13:30I mean, she's got to bite your hand off, Zach.
13:33You've got the sexiest bloke around here by miles, and you know it.
13:37I mean, if this is what Vicky wants and she's willing to risk her marriage, then give it to her.
13:44Give her goosebumps.
13:47Jack, what have you had an idea for?
13:49I need you on my team, mate.
13:50Come on.
13:51Yeah, yeah.
13:52I'm all yours, mate.
13:57Come on, Mark.
13:59Let's have a go.
13:59Come on, man.
14:01All right, ladies.
14:01Come on, Mark.
14:03Come on, Mark.
14:04Come on.
14:08Come on.
14:08Come on.
14:08That sends her apologies as she's staying on in the care arm to give Jolie a break.
14:15Well, let your hair down, girls.
14:18Well, I am quite happy to watch the shenanigans, but I am not going to party.
14:23Oh.
14:23Oh.
14:33All right.
14:41Oh, I love it!
14:43Yes!
14:44Oh!
14:45Well, so it's good if you've got your dad's good looks,
14:47cos you ain't got his moves.
14:49Phil had the moves when we were married,
14:51but Grant, well, it's something extra special.
14:54What? You and Grant?
14:55Yeah, you didn't invent looking, you know.
14:58I was a teenager in the 60s. I have seen it all.
15:01Dorothy!
15:02Vicky, Vicky, Vicky!
15:03OK, yeah.
15:04Come on, tell us all what first attracted you to Ross.
15:08Cos he can fill out a check shirt like a real name.
15:10Yeah!
15:11It's funny, isn't it?
15:12It's funny, isn't it?
15:13Because all the hours at my Jack Spence in the gym,
15:15I actually like a little bit of timber in a fella.
15:18You're such a liar!
15:20Listen, you've only got three types, yeah?
15:23You've got the psycho, the gym bunny, and the psycho gym bunny.
15:28And that's fair.
15:28I'll have a bit of a rough any time and a dollar.
15:31Not for me, my Patrick is a smooth operator.
15:36All right.
15:37Now, come on, come on, Vicky.
15:38What was it about Ross?
15:41Erm...
15:42Well, he weren't Spencer.
15:43Who?
15:44Oh!
15:45Who's Spencer?
15:46Oh, no, he was my ex, Alfie's brother.
15:48He, erm...
15:49No, he was very, very sweet, but...
15:53I always felt like I was looking after him.
15:55And then when Ross came along, you know what?
15:57He felt like my equal.
15:59Like he celebrates me.
16:01Oh.
16:02Oh.
16:03Or he used to, he used to anyway.
16:07Babe.
16:09I told him that I can't live with Joel when he gets out.
16:12Why?
16:13He can't blame you.
16:14No, no, no, he doesn't.
16:15He doesn't.
16:16But what...
16:17What if he can't turn his back on Joel?
16:23He nearly killed me.
16:24You know, look, look, I know, I don't know what it's like to not feel safe in your own home.
16:30But Ross, he stood by you in the end, didn't he, at that trial?
16:35Yes, he did.
16:35So you gotta just trust him and he's making the right decision, babe.
16:38Joel nearly ruined everything.
16:40Don't let him ruin your marriage.
16:41Yeah, no.
16:42Yeah, they're right, Vic.
16:43After everything you've been through.
16:45Ross is a good bloke.
16:46He is, Ross.
16:47Look at him.
16:48Look, look.
16:49Good bloke.
16:51All right, man.
16:52So let's get back to the hen business.
16:55Mark!
16:56Where's the cabaret?
16:58That's French for stripper.
17:00I didn't book one.
17:01If you want one, you have to get yourself one.
17:03Ah!
17:04Well, try and accept it.
17:06Da-da-da-da!
17:09No!
17:12No!
17:13No!
17:14It's disgusting, she's my sister!
17:20Well, you can help me find one, babe.
17:22Come on!
17:23Come on, you giant pig!
17:25Come on!
17:34Seriously no cheating. You're going to go on my whistle after three, two, three, two.
17:43Listen, thanks for making all the effort. I'm sorry I was a miserable git earlier.
17:47You all looked after her, weren't you? Ian, I love your little cousin.
17:52Once removed, strictly speaking. I'm glad to hear it, all right?
17:57I know it was a bit harsh now the other week. I am glad you were still working out.
18:06Ross, you're a good bloke.
18:08Aunty Pauline would approve, and as the patriarch of the family, so do I.
18:15Well, I won't let you, I won't let Vicky down.
18:18So, how would you feel about being my best man as our patriarch?
18:23I'll be honest.
18:24No. Thank you very much. Come on.
18:27All right. Well, this one ain't going to do it.
18:31So let's see who will. I'm looking for a stripper.
18:36Nope. Nope.
18:38No. Definitely no. Definitely no.
18:42I've seen it all before, babe. No.
18:50Easy tiger. Easy tiger.
18:54Do me a favour. Nope.
18:58Hey! I bet you like taking off your top for the girlies.
19:04Yeah, well, it has been known, Kim.
19:06Kim, innit? I'm right here, you know?
19:09Oh, don't be stressed, Howie. I'm just looking for a stripper for Vicky's Hindu, innit?
19:13I'm not looking for a new life partner. But then again...
19:17Well, Sam Mitchell did just say that I'm the sexiest geezer around.
19:25It's a bit weird, though, innit?
19:27I don't understand. It's a laugh, innit?
19:29I've seen a more percent than any of this lot.
19:30At least I know that Brighton ain't going to run away with a stripper.
19:36Okay, okay, can you shut up now?
19:39I've never had a family that don't care about looking stupid, okay?
19:42That's why the slaters love you so much.
19:44Oh, they love you too. They can be making more of that.
19:50Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
19:53Honestly, what a day. I had my mum pack up and it was so sad.
19:56Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's good.
19:58I mean, I came back to the Trumans and I was all,
20:00Oh, what have I done? What have I done?
20:02But then Yolanda made me some nice coconut chicken curry.
20:05And even though we barely know each other, it was...
20:08It was just fun just chatting, you know?
20:10It just felt right.
20:12Like, everything's gonna be all right.
20:17Sorry. I'm so sorry.
20:20It leaves me blabbering on about happy families
20:22when things are so orcs for you and the slaters.
20:25Especially after...
20:28Anson...
20:29At least they're trying.
20:33Sorry, that sounded patronising.
20:35I'll get drinks.
20:41Wow. Truth hurts, doesn't it?
20:43Well...
20:44He's just blabbering on because he wants to make a good impression.
20:47Yeah, but what if he's hit the nail on the head, though?
20:49I mean, everything that Kat said in court,
20:51she can't just forget about that, can she?
20:53Stop it.
20:55You saw how Kat stood up for you from the whole pub?
20:59Yeah.
21:00Yeah, she used to do that, didn't she?
21:02Yeah, the slaters want me around.
21:04I just...
21:05I've got to believe that.
21:07I'd just do without Josh stirring the pot.
21:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:26Now, Miss Fowler.
21:30Yes, yes.
21:32Bad girl dressed up in white.
21:36I think you've committed a foul.
21:41I am!
21:45I am!
21:46I am!
21:48I am!
21:50I am!
21:52I am!
21:52I am!
21:53I am!
21:54I am!
21:55I am!
21:57I am!
21:59I am!
22:00I am!
22:03I am!
22:04I am!
22:06I am!
22:06Booker!
22:08I am!
22:10Chelsea!
22:11Yeah!
22:12Oh!
22:13Oh!
22:14Oh!
22:15Oh!
22:16Oh!
22:19It's taking us back decades.
22:22Feminism would literally be turning in her grave.
22:25If God had wanted us to see that he wouldn't have created the fig leaf.
22:29Yeah, I agree.
22:31Listen, do you think I should arrange that date with Ian?
22:35I mean, do you think he's, you know, he's a good guy?
22:39Honey?
22:40Honey?
22:41What?
22:42Yeah, where?
22:43Yeah.
22:43I mean, definitely.
22:45Yeah, grab every opportunity.
22:48Grab the ball.
22:50A ball by his horns.
22:52Well, you're right.
22:53Yeah.
22:54I should do that.
22:55I'm going to find that ball and grab it by its...
22:57Well, I'm going to look for Ian one more.
23:01What the hell is the old?
23:03Hmm?
23:03Whoo!
23:04Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
23:07Vicky!
23:12In God's grief, honey, stop it!
23:15Vicky!
23:22Out.
23:24Out!
23:34I'm going to nominate Mr. McClunky for Mitch and his staff.
23:40Oh, hey, I'm Mr. McClunky.
23:42Yeah.
23:44Was that Harry's barn spiral on?
23:48There it is.
23:49Look out.
23:50Oh.
23:51Um, on this box?
23:54No, no, thank you.
23:56Um, so, I've decided that you can take me out on that date that we discussed, and I'm free tomorrow.
24:04Right.
24:05Uh, just a couple of little stipulations.
24:08Can I ask that you treat me like I deserve to be treated,
24:11and then you don't expect anything other than intelligent conversation and company in return.
24:16And if you're happy with that arrangement, you can pick me up at 7.30 tomorrow.
24:22Okay.
24:24Oh, yeah, yes.
24:26You haven't ever cheated on a partner, have you?
24:31No.
24:32Huh?
24:33That's good.
24:34Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
24:41What was I supposed to say?
24:44You made it down!
24:45You made it down!
24:46You made it down!
24:47You made it down!
24:47Guys, false alarm!
24:49You can go back in!
24:51Well done!
24:55You look freezing.
24:57Yeah.
24:57Put it on.
24:58I'm alright.
24:59For my sake.
25:01Put it on.
25:03I'm okay.
25:05To Samar.
25:09You always kept you're own way, didn't I?
25:20I love Ross so you keep saying yeah and we are working through our issues and I'm gonna marry
25:28him please for you good I'm pleased you're pleased but Ross is a good guy he's a nice
25:39guy dealing on his lap bed by night it's nice that he's found somebody that wants to do the same
25:44dare you I'm saying second best I am not settling Ross loves me he's gonna look after me he promised
25:54me that well he said that did he you don't need to worry about me and Ross we're gonna be
25:58just fine
26:00he presses my buttons all of them what I'll never know
26:08do you know I watch you you two and then I'll watch you
26:14Jimmy shut up tell me I'm lying there you think you can make me happier a loser who gets his
26:21kit off just
26:21to feed his massive ego what boy take that I don't even want it yeah well I've seen it all
26:27before mate why are you down here if I'm such a loser why aren't you indoors with Ross don't worry
26:31about it
26:32I'm going no please please please just answer one thing when you are in bed by nine and he's pressing
26:42your buttons until you ain't thinking about me about that night about what we did go on
27:05oh can't I have one now
27:11come here
27:16yeah I've got the best aid key I'm on my way over
27:26Ross don't forget your phone mate thank you what are you sneaking off to I am going to find your
27:32sister and I'm going to tell her how much I love her see you later see you later
27:48she's in the house
27:54Vic
27:56Vic
27:57I can't do this I can't do it
28:01Vic Vic Vic
28:13Cork's funniest, the young offenders are back
28:15More crack, more chaos
28:17Watch the brand new series on iPlayer
28:19This and everything across the BBC is made possible
28:23Because we're funded by you
28:25Thank you
28:49Thank you
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