- 14 hours ago
EastEnders 13th April 2026
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TVTranscript
00:00I
00:36Happy Henry!
00:45It's a bit early, isn't it?
00:47Well, yeah, we were going to do it at the Albert,
00:48but Mark got Harry's barn, so we're going to start it early.
00:51Where have you come as? Marge Simpson?
00:54Suck with me. I'm a wee for Franklin, thank you very much.
00:57I'll say a little prayer for you,
00:59because the theme is actually 60s chic, yeah?
01:02So this rainetta slob look is not going to cut it, babe.
01:05Do you know what? I would rather a couple of wines
01:07in a McClunkey's Bonanza bucket if I'm honest.
01:09Do me a favour. Listen, you are not escaping
01:13the ritual of humiliation. It is tradition.
01:17Chelsea! No, Cathy's bringing around your costume,
01:20and we'll see you at Harry's barn later. Yeah?
01:22Yeah. Come on, girls!
01:24Yes, come on!
01:26Come on!
01:30I'll just get a drink in the bit later.
01:32Yeah, pretty nice.
01:33Hey, Sam, coming to the hen do?
01:35More than merrier?
01:36Oh, I'd love to, but I've got plans.
01:40Yeah, I've been in the diary for ages.
01:42Have fun, girls!
01:43Oh, yeah, all right!
01:45See you later, too.
01:53It seems real, eh?
01:57How can I be having a hen do when I don't even know if I should be getting married, eh?
02:02Come on.
02:03Come on.
02:07Thank you so much, Mum.
02:08Appreciate it.
02:09Lauren and Max won't be back from the auction until late, and, well, you know what stag news are like.
02:13Yeah, I do.
02:14And if you end up in France, bring me back a bit of rose.
02:18You don't miss a trick, do you?
02:19Never.
02:20And I get to watch Disney films with my favourite boys.
02:23Yes!
02:24Hercules!
02:25Oi, oi, oi!
02:27Your stag news is going to be remembered for years to come.
02:30Well, that's kind of what I'm counting on, but what's in the bag?
02:33Handcuffs and mankinis?
02:41I really thought you and Ross would have sought this by now.
02:44Nope.
02:45Brushed it under the carpet, didn't I?
02:47I didn't want to hurt him.
02:50He's paranoid that I'm going to run off with my secret bloke.
03:01I love him.
03:03And I don't want to live with his psycho son when he gets out.
03:06Then you've got to talk to Ross.
03:09Sorry.
03:11Interrupt, Saint.
03:12No.
03:13I was just on my way, mate.
03:23It's all very kind of you, but I am quite happy going on my own.
03:26And shouldn't you all be getting ready for the hen party anyway?
03:29I can do both.
03:30Listen, we've got to show Nigel how much we love him.
03:32Listen, ask Jasmine.
03:33She knew him.
03:34He's a carer.
03:35I'm not Disneyland.
03:36Listen, we want her to be part of the family.
03:38Include her, yeah?
03:39Go on.
03:40All right.
03:42Hi, Josh.
03:44Jasmine, we're going to see Nigel if he wanted to come with us.
03:47Oh.
03:48I mean, I know he ran you over and everything, but, you know.
03:51But it was an accident.
03:53Listen, we just want to show him that, you know, he's not forgotten.
03:56Yeah?
03:57I love nice.
03:58Can I go?
03:58Yeah, yeah, of course.
03:59Come on.
04:00Oh, yeah.
04:01Yeah, then I'm in.
04:02Amazing.
04:02See you outside.
04:07Right.
04:08Anything you can say to Zach, you can say it to me.
04:14You said you didn't trust me, and you were right not to, because I haven't been honest
04:21with you.
04:24Talk to me.
04:27I'm scared for us when Joel comes out.
04:34I don't know how we're going to fix it.
04:36We've got time to work something out.
04:38No, we don't.
04:39I don't want to go on my head with all the girls talking about my dream man if...
04:45If you're going to choose your son over me.
04:48It's not a choice.
04:49No, it is.
04:51Ross, I'm sorry, it is.
04:53If you want Joel living with you, then I won't be.
04:56Is this punishment because I said I didn't trust you?
04:59You know, you haven't got to blackmail me over me own son.
05:01I'm not.
05:02I respect your loyalty to Joel.
05:07I won't live with the boy who nearly killed me.
05:13Darn it.
05:16You have given me a lot to think about, okay?
05:19I don't want you to do any more thinking.
05:23I just want to know that you choose me.
05:25I want to marry you, don't I?
05:28Look, I don't have all the answers, Vic.
05:31Okay, alright?
05:32He's my son and you are the innocent party.
05:36Hello, Vic?
05:37Come on, I've got your head out for here.
05:41Are we going to do this in the center?
05:46Yeah.
05:47Yeah.
05:54Nice outfit, by the way.
05:57Biggie said that if she had to dress up, so did I.
06:00Well, you've got enough booze to stand alone, huh?
06:02Thanks for sorting this out, Pen.
06:04You've done us proud.
06:05Ladies!
06:06Me?
06:07Oh!
06:07My mum and Sharon have paid for all the booze.
06:11Oh!
06:12Thank you very much!
06:13No, no, no, no!
06:15Not starting on the free booze before the hen gets there.
06:17This is my only night off from being a mum.
06:20I want to let the head out.
06:21And that's just why you started on the booze hours ago, yes?
06:23Oh, sue me for wanting to party.
06:25I'll get me home.
06:26No.
06:27So, my Billy's taking me up the West End tomorrow.
06:32Hashtag blessed.
06:34Are we still saying that?
06:36Hashtag, you know, couples goals.
06:38That's you and Billy, isn't it?
06:40Yeah.
06:41A bit like me and Howie, may I just add?
06:43Yeah.
06:44Oh!
06:44And me and Jack.
06:45Jack, I have to pinch myself on I think where we were a year ago.
06:49Well, you know what that is, innit?
06:51It's the magical healing properties of not sleeping with other people.
06:55Shut up, kid.
06:57I mean, you could have couples of girls, couldn't you?
07:00If you got together with Ian.
07:01What do you think, ladies?
07:02Yeah.
07:03Yeah.
07:04And Denise can give you a few tips because back in the day...
07:06Like I said, shut up, Kimberly.
07:09You know, I don't think I can take the risk, to be honest.
07:12Because I was in love once, but it didn't end well at all.
07:17Yeah.
07:17I mean, it's not like I'm demanding or anything.
07:19You know, all I want for my relationships is respect, compassion, laughter, chemistry, intellect, ambition, adoration.
07:30You know, just the basics, really. Just the basics.
07:32And, um, for Samson's on a Wednesday would be nice.
07:35But, you know, not the red ones.
07:39I think you won't mind if we make it a stark night.
07:42No, it's a mild picture of mine.
07:43No, it's a good answer.
07:44Yeah. Yeah.
07:45Cheers.
07:45Cheers.
07:46Cheers.
07:50Oh, lovely.
07:52Come on, then. Give us a twirl.
07:54Really?
07:55Really. Good.
07:59Oh, you can be as miserable as your mother sometimes.
08:03Come on, then. What's up?
08:04Give me the wine, Kev.
08:06Here you go.
08:11Me and Ross don't trust each other.
08:13Why?
08:15Is it all about this Zack business?
08:17Because you've got to put it all behind you, all right?
08:20It was just one kiss.
08:24It ain't just that.
08:25It's...
08:26I gave Ross an ultimatum about Joel moving back
08:29and, um, well, he said he needed to think about it,
08:32but he still wants to marry me.
08:33Well, that sounds promising, doesn't it?
08:36Does it?
08:37Yes, it does.
08:39So, come on.
08:39Go and put your slap on,
08:41because you are going to get plastered
08:43and then you're going to get married.
08:45Even if it kills me.
08:48He's got pneumonia, so, um,
08:50he's been in and out of hospital over the last couple of days.
08:52Julie, I'm sorry. We didn't know.
08:54No, don't go. No, stay.
08:56Please.
08:57Could really do with you. We're not coming, Nigel.
08:59Hey?
09:02Nigel?
09:02My granddaughter, Jasmine.
09:04Remember her, don't you?
09:07I know, I don't look old enough, do I?
09:10Don't know about that.
09:13Hi, Nigel.
09:16Where did you disappear to?
09:17Well, if we're going to have a pie,
09:18any pie, Favors, right?
09:20That's a really good idea.
09:21Thanks very much.
09:24Help yourself, everyone.
09:27Come on.
09:27Come on.
09:27Julie said it's fine.
09:29It's showing Nigel a good time, yeah?
09:32Jean said you two like a sing-song.
09:34Yeah.
09:35Oh, that reminds me.
09:37I made a speaker out of a loo roll.
09:39It was a top tip in my magazine.
09:42So, um...
09:42Ta-da!
09:47It's good sound quality, isn't it?
09:49And so stylish.
09:50Yeah!
09:51I prefer my speaker jean.
09:53Don't really fancy an old bog roll in my dressing.
09:55Ta-da!
09:56Nigel loves this song.
09:57Aw.
09:58Yeah.
10:04I love you still.
10:06I need you.
10:07I need you.
10:08I need you.
10:15Come on, Jazz.
10:17Join in.
10:17Oh, I don't know the words.
10:18That don't matter.
10:20For years, Dan thought Bob Dylan was singing Knocking on Kevin's Door.
10:23I thought, who the hell's Kevin?
10:25I love you.
10:26I love you.
10:31I love you.
10:32I love you.
10:34I love you.
10:35So why do you want me fun?
10:36What happens on the stag stays on the stag.
10:39Come on, phones.
10:40Where's your phone?
10:40Oi, I'll be fun.
10:42Come on.
10:42Thank you, Jack.
10:43Lovely.
10:44Come on, Ian.
10:45What you got lined up for us?
10:47I'll tell you.
10:47You are going to love it.
10:49Peter!
10:50No!
10:51Wait for it.
10:52Wait for it.
10:52We, we, we are going to have an indoor sports day.
10:59No.
10:59Yes, I guess.
11:00Is that why you confiscated our phones?
11:02Yeah, so the shame fleets can't see the evidence.
11:05No, no, no, no.
11:06We're meant to be in the prime of our lives.
11:09Come on.
11:10Yeah!
11:11You're not kidding.
11:12Right.
11:13Let's kick off with beer darts.
11:15Beers all round and a set of your finest arrows, please.
11:18Boys, let's get this down.
11:22So.
11:24So, you and Vicky earlier.
11:26Looking as thick as thieves.
11:28Why are you having a drink with me and not getting a hammer with that lot?
11:32Come on, Sam.
11:33You can talk to me.
11:35I'm a mate.
11:37I guess Vicky cheated on us.
11:42What?
11:45Wait.
11:47Oh.
11:54Just a few drinks, yeah?
11:56That's all I do.
11:58I know.
11:59I love you, Sam!
12:02I love you, Sam!
12:06I love you, Sam!
12:08I love me!
12:08I love you, Sam!
12:08I love you!
12:09I love you, Sam!
12:11Hold on, Liam!
12:13We're starting to love.
12:14It's beautiful!
12:16I only wanna be with you!
12:18What?
12:18but you're living together i mean is that a total nightmare or is it sexy as hell can you at
12:24least
12:24pretend you're not enjoying this um listen i'm recovering from breast cancer okay i'm allowed
12:29to enjoy a little bit of scandal right it's fair right so is um is vicky gonna leave for us
12:36is that what you want no i don't know i want her to be happy oh shut up stop being
12:45such a girl why
12:46you're misogynist look ross is a good bloke and they've got a nice life together steady they go
12:55out work work hard they come in here for a pint of the evening sounds like the end of a
12:59marriage
12:59not the start stop being so horrible all right then what do you want all the same
13:07got the goosebumps you know
13:09well look me and vicky guys electric or it's not just sexist water
13:16it just works all right
13:23well listen if this is what you want then i think you've got to fight for it
13:30i mean she's gonna bite your hand off zach
13:32you've got the sexiest bloke round here by miles and you know it
13:37i mean if this if this is what vicky wants and she's willing to risk her marriage then
13:42then give it to her give her goosebumps
13:47that's what you had an idea for i need you on my team mate come on yeah yeah i'm all
13:52yours mate
13:57thank you
13:58come on mark let's have a gold
13:59come on all right ladies
14:08that sends her apologies as she's staying on in the care arm to give julie a break
14:15well let your hair down girl
14:19i am quite happy to watch this shenanigans but i am not going to party
14:23oh
14:23oh
14:39god preserve me
14:45well so it's not something about your dad's good looks because you ain't got his moves
14:49phil had the moves when we were married but grant well it's something extra special
14:54what you and grom yeah you didn't invent looking you know i was a teenager in the 60s i have
15:00seen it all
15:01thank you micky micky okay come on tell us all what first attracted you to rocks because he can fill
15:08out
15:08a check shirt like real hair man
15:12because all the hours that my jack's been in the gym i actually like a little bit of timber on
15:17a fella
15:17but you're such a liar listen you've only got three types do you yeah you're like the psycho
15:24the gym bunny and the psycho gym bunny and that's that i'll have a bit of rough any time
15:30of the day
15:31not for me my patrick is a smooth operator all right now come on come on vicky what was it
15:39about ross um
15:41um well he weren't spencer oh who's spencer oh no he he was my ex alfie's brother he um no
15:49he was
15:50very very sweet but i always felt like i was looking after him and then when ross came along you
15:56know
15:56what he felt like he felt like my equal like he celebrates me
16:03or he used to anyway
16:08babe i told him that i can't live with joel when he gets out
16:13he can't blame you no no no he doesn't he doesn't but what what if he can't turn his back
16:19on joel
16:22he nearly killed me look look look i know i don't know what it's like to not feel safe in
16:29your own
16:29home but ross he stood by you in the internet at that trial so you gotta just trust him he's
16:37making
16:37the right decision back joel nearly ruin everything don't let him ruin your marriage yeah yeah they're
16:42right vick after everything you've been through ross is a good bloke yes look at him look good bloke
16:51all right so let's get back to the hen business where's the cabaret that's french for stripper
17:00yeah i didn't book one if you want one you have to get yourself one oh well challenge accepted
17:12no no no it's disgusting she's my sister
17:20well you can help me find one then come on
17:23jammer you can't
17:33seriously no cheating
17:35you're gonna go on my whistle
17:38three two
17:42thanks for making all the effort
17:44i'm sorry i was a miserable git earlier
17:47you all look after her won't you yeah i love your little cousin
17:52once removed strictly speaking i'm glad to hear it all right
17:57i know it was a bit a bit harsh now the other week
18:00i am glad you still working out and um ross
18:06you're a good bloke
18:08auntie pauline would approve and as the patriarch of the family so do i
18:15well i won't let you i won't let vicky down
18:18so how would you feel about being my best man as our patriarch
18:23i'll be honest
18:24no thank you very much
18:26come on all right well this one ain't gonna do it
18:31so let's see who will i'm looking for a stripper
18:37nope no definitely no definitely no
18:42oh i've seen it all before babe no
18:51easy tiger
18:54do me a favor
19:01i bet you like taking off your top for the girlies
19:04yeah well it has been known
19:06keeping it i'm right here you know oh don't be stressed howie i'm just looking for a stripper
19:12for vicky's hindu innit i'm not looking for a new life partner but then again
19:17well sam mitchell did just say that i'm the sexiest geezer around
19:25it's a bit weird
19:26i don't know
19:27i don't know it's a laugh
19:28isn't it
19:28i'm not presenting any of this lot at least i know the bride ain't gonna run away with a stripper
19:36okay okay can you shut up now i've never had a family that don't care about looking stupid okay
19:42that's why the slaters love you so much oh they love you too they can be making more of that
19:51hey hey hey honestly what a day i had my mom pack up and it was so sad
19:56oh i'm sorry no it's good i mean i came back to the trumans i was all oh what have
20:01i done what have
20:01i done but then yolanda made me some nice coconut chickadee curry and even though we barely know
20:07each other it was it was just fun just chatting you know when you just felt right like everything's
20:13gonna be all right
20:18sorry i'm so sorry it leaves me blowing on about happy families when things are so orcs for you and
20:23satyrs especially after answer at least they're trying
20:33sorry that sounded patronizing i'll get drinks
20:41wow truth hurts doesn't it
20:44he's just blabbering on because he wants to make a good impression
20:47yeah but what if he's hit the nail on the head though
20:49i mean everything that cat said in court she can't just forget about that can g
20:53stop it you saw how cat stood up for you from the whole pub
20:59yeah yeah she used to do that didn't she
21:02yeah the slaters want me around i just
21:05i've got to believe that just do without josh stirring the pot
21:24yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah now miss fowler yes yes bad girl dressed up in white
21:35what i think you've committed a foul
21:40oh
21:43oh
21:45oh
21:46Get away!
21:48Get away!
21:48Oh!
21:49Oh, the man!
21:50Yeah!
21:52Do it!
21:53Do it!
21:53Do it!
21:54Do it!
21:55Do it!
21:55Do it!
21:56Do it!
21:57Do it!
21:57Do it!
21:58Do it!
21:58Do it!
22:05Now!
22:06Book her!
22:10Chops!
22:11Oh!
22:19It's taking us back decades.
22:22Feminism would literally be turning in her brain.
22:25If God had wanted us to see that he wouldn't have created the fig leaf.
22:29Yeah, I agree.
22:31Listen, do you think I should arrange that date with Ian?
22:35I mean, do you think he's, you know, he's a good guy?
22:39Honey?
22:40Honey?
22:41Honey?
22:41What?
22:42Yeah, where?
22:43I mean, definitely.
22:45Yeah, grab every opportunity.
22:48Grab the ball.
22:50A ball by his horns.
22:52Well, you're right.
22:53Yeah, I should do that.
22:55I'm going to find that ball and grab it by its...
22:57Well, I'm going to look for Ian and watch.
23:01What the hell would be I?
23:03Hmm?
23:04Oh!
23:05Oh!
23:05Oh!
23:06Oh!
23:06Oh!
23:10I broke that ball!
23:14Oh!
23:17Oh!
23:19Oh!
23:22Oh!
23:24Oh!
23:26Oh!
23:27Oh!
23:29Well, I got to go!
23:30Oh!
23:34I'm going to nominate Mr. McClunkey for Mitch and his staff.
23:40Oh, hey, I'm Mr. McClunkey.
23:42Yeah.
23:44Was that Harry's barn spiral on?
23:48There it is.
23:49Look out.
23:52And this box?
23:55No, thank you.
23:57So, I've decided that you can take me out on that date
24:00that we discussed, and I'm free tomorrow.
24:04Right.
24:05Just a couple of little stipulations.
24:08Can I ask that you treat me like I deserve to be treated,
24:11and then you don't expect anything other than
24:14intelligent conversation and company in return?
24:17And if you're happy with that arrangement,
24:19you can pick me up at 7.30 tomorrow.
24:22Hey.
24:24Oh, yeah, yes.
24:26You haven't ever cheated on a partner, have you?
24:31No.
24:32Oh, that's good.
24:34Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
24:41What was I supposed to say?
24:44Get me down!
24:45Listen, I don't know!
24:47Guys, pass along.
24:49You can go back in.
24:51Well done!
24:55You look freezing.
24:57Yeah.
24:57Put this on.
24:58I'm all right.
24:59For my sake.
25:01Put it on.
25:05Show up.
25:09You always get your own way, don't you?
25:12Always.
25:13No.
25:21I love Ross.
25:23So you keep saying.
25:24Yeah.
25:25And we are working through our issues.
25:27And I'm going to marry him.
25:30I'm pleased for you.
25:31Good.
25:32I'm pleased you're pleased.
25:35You know what?
25:36Ross is a good guy.
25:37He's a nice guy.
25:39I did it on his lap, bed by night.
25:42It's nice that he's found somebody that wants to do the same.
25:44How dare you?
25:47Ross ain't second best.
25:49I am not settling.
25:51Ross loves me.
25:52He's going to look after me.
25:53He promised me that.
25:54Well, he said that, did he?
25:56You don't need to worry about me and Ross.
25:58We're going to be just fine.
26:00He presses my buttons.
26:02All of them.
26:04What?
26:04I'll never know.
26:08Do you know what?
26:09I watch you.
26:10You two.
26:11And then I watch you.
26:14Jimmy.
26:15Shut up.
26:16Tell me I'm lying, Vic.
26:17You think you can make me happier?
26:20A loser who gets his kit off just to feed his massive ego.
26:23Go on.
26:24Take that.
26:25I've only worn it.
26:26Yeah, well, I've seen it all before, mate.
26:28Why are you down here if I'm such a loser?
26:29Why aren't you indoors with Ross?
26:31Don't worry about it.
26:32I'm going.
26:34No, please, please, please, please.
26:35One more thing.
26:36Just answer one thing.
26:40When you are in bed by nine and he's pressing your buttons,
26:44tell him you ain't thinking about me.
26:51About that night, about what we did.
26:55Go on.
27:05Oh, can't I have one, Niles?
27:11Come here.
27:16Yeah, I'm on my way over.
27:20I'm on my way over.
27:24Ross.
27:26Don't forget your phone, mate.
27:28What are you?
27:29What are you sneaking off to?
27:30I am going to find your sister, and I'm going to tell her how much I love her.
27:36See you later.
27:37See you later.
27:55Vick.
27:59Vick.
27:59I can't do you this.
28:00I can't do it.
28:01I'm doing it.
28:01Vic, Vic, Vic.
28:13Cork's funniest. The young offenders are back. More crack, more chaos. Watch the brand new series
28:18on iPlayer. This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
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