- 9 hours ago
Madame's Place (1982) Season 1 Episode 3
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:05You're watching USA, America's favorite cable network.
00:57You're watching USA, America's favorite cable network.
01:00You're watching USA, America's favorite cable network.
01:32You're watching USA, America's favorite cable network.
01:40You're watching USA, America's favorite cable network.
01:59Yes, just one moment. It's for you.
02:03Hello? Yes, this is Madam.
02:06How are you, Madam? This is Eddie Bob Pate from Dawson, Georgia.
02:10Eddie Bob Pate? Oh, my God, little Eddie Bird.
02:14Yeah, the same one. Remember how you used to babysit me?
02:18Oh, Eddie, how could I forget?
02:20I used to charge my girlfriends a nickel to peek in on Eddie Bob when I bathed him.
02:24Oh, he was very mature for a nine-year-old.
02:27Well, listen, I'm in town right now. I wonder if I could stop by for a short visit.
02:32Well, I really don't have time, Eddie Bob.
02:34Oh, now, just for one hour?
02:35Well, you always were a persistent little cuss,
02:38even when you were scrawny as a scarecrow and had those butt teeth of yours.
02:43Well, our people nowadays say I'm a cross between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
02:47Really? Okay, now, the quickest way to get over here is
02:51go down to Hollywood and take a look on Fairfax. Got that?
02:55Can you make a right on Santa Monica?
02:58Can we please get down to business?
03:01Oh, to hell with work, Bernie. It's time for Richard Slimmons' Torso Tuna.
03:06We've got to keep our girlish figures limber and luscious.
03:10Oh, Sarah Joy, you're just in time. Richard Slimmons is on.
03:13Oh, good.
03:14Yeah, hit the deck, honey.
03:17Let's go, ladies.
03:19Tuck that tush.
03:21Okay.
03:22One, two, three, four.
03:24One, two, three, four.
03:27Come on, Bernie. You heard him tuck that tush.
03:30I'm tucking, Sarah Joy. I'm tucking.
03:33Yes, do yourself a favor.
03:35Think of life and Mickey Rooney as one and the same.
03:37They're both short, but if you know what you're doing,
03:39you can squeeze a lot of pleasure out of them.
03:42Come on, George. You're not putting it up into this.
03:45Oh, this is the hardest I've ever worked in bed.
03:52Alone, that is.
03:55What about you, Bernie?
03:57Well, I'd rather not discuss that at this time.
04:00How do you manage it, Bernadette?
04:02Just how long has it been since you've...
04:04Uh, uh, uh, I've been faithful to my dead Bart
04:08since the day he died in 1962.
04:1262? Why, that's, uh, that's 20 years.
04:15Lord, if I stayed away from men for 20 years,
04:17I would be screaming.
04:19Okay, ladies, down on all fours.
04:23Oh, I love it when they talk like that.
04:25Oh, please, I, I cannot discuss my late husband
04:29and do squat thrusts at the same time.
04:31What else are you dying to discuss with me?
04:33Oh, oh, well, uh, Cosmopolitan would like to do
04:39a feature article on all the loves you've ever had in your life.
04:42Well, I'll do it if we can charge them a dollar a man.
04:46Well, I don't think they have that much in their budget.
04:48Well, to hell with them.
04:50Let them call Marie Osmond.
04:53Oh, oh, oh, oh.
05:00Thank you, boys.
05:02Well, we've been getting lots of calls and letters about Irma Costella.
05:05You remember her.
05:06Irma earned her invisible pig.
05:08Yes, she was a big hit on the show two weeks ago,
05:10and she will be back tomorrow night.
05:13Quack, quack.
05:14Well, my next guest tonight, however, is another favorite of yours.
05:18He hosts his own kiddie show here on the R.A. Randall Network.
05:22Welcome, if you will, with me, please, Mr. Honesty.
05:26Yay, Commander.
05:31I'm Mr. Honest.
05:33I don't beat around the bush.
05:36I say things so truthful they will knock you on your tush.
05:40The reason that I do this, that I go for honesty,
05:45is really very simple.
05:46People kids, my parents, lie to me.
05:49Thank you, Mr. Honest.
05:51It's such a catchy little tune.
05:52We have all grown to know and love that.
05:54How are you?
05:55Nice to see you.
05:57Well, my God, where did you get that shiner?
06:01I was in a minority neighborhood,
06:04eating in a restaurant which Caucasians think is quaint.
06:08Do you know why Caucasians eat in restaurants
06:11in minority neighborhoods, boys and girls?
06:13It's because they're guilty about all the bad things
06:16they've done to minority members
06:17and want to pay them back by eating in their restaurant.
06:20Well, you still didn't answer my question.
06:22How did you get the black eye?
06:24Madam is impatient with me because this is her show
06:27and she wants to hog all the airtime.
06:30Can you say egomaniac, boys and girls?
06:33I like it when you say egomaniac.
06:36Get to the point, Mr. Honest.
06:38Your black eye, how did you get it?
06:41Mr. Honest got his black eye
06:43by being patronizing to the waitress
06:45who was a minority group member
06:47and she punched me.
06:48Sounds like you deserved it.
06:50Oh, I did.
06:52Do you know why Caucasians are patronizing
06:55toward minority group members, boys and girls?
06:57It's because we're afraid
06:58they'll quit our favorite professional sports team.
07:01Get them.
07:02Get them.
07:04Oh, good.
07:09That's right.
07:10Boo all you want to.
07:11Sometimes he just goes too far.
07:14Well, that's the show for tonight.
07:15And that's the truth.
07:20Oh.
07:28What are you doing at my desk, little boy?
07:31Working.
07:32Say hello to Armbruster.
07:36You don't really have to say hello.
07:38He's dead.
07:39What is that creature doing on my desk?
07:43Nothing.
07:44I told you he's dead.
07:45You're a very sick little boy.
07:49Get all of this stuff off of my desk right away.
07:52Do you hear me?
07:53And Pinky, please, please,
07:56disinfect this desk as soon as he's finished.
07:59Oh.
08:02Buzzy, I know stuffing animals is your hobby,
08:05but you have to do it there.
08:06You have a perfectly adequate lab in your basement at home.
08:11Yeah, but the vibes are better here.
08:17Bernadette!
08:17Yes?
08:18Please bring me that Essence of Orgy bath oil I asked for.
08:22Yeah, I'm feeling real dewy.
08:27Essence of Orgy?
08:29Isn't she a little old for that kind of stuff?
08:33Pinky, Auntie Madam told me to tell you that she's expecting a guest this evening,
08:36and she would like you to give her a ring when he gets here.
08:39Yeah.
08:40A ring.
08:42I should have given her a ring 25 years ago.
08:45You almost did.
08:47What?
08:49You were engaged to be married in 1957.
08:53How did you know that?
08:55I know everything about Madam's life.
08:57I'm obsessed with her, too.
08:58I'm not obsessed with her.
09:01It's just that, well, we used to be very...
09:04Go on.
09:06Very close.
09:07You're jealous of that guy who's coming over today, aren't you?
09:10No.
09:11Yes.
09:11No, I'm not.
09:12Yes, you are.
09:15Yes, I am.
09:16But don't you say a word about that.
09:25Well, how did, brother?
09:27I'm Eddie Bob Tate, and you are?
09:29Pinkerton, sir.
09:30I'm the butler of the residence.
09:32Please come in.
09:32Oh, butler.
09:34Well, Madam sure has gone and done herself well since she left old Dawson.
09:38Well, would you look at this.
09:40Why, it looks like one of those places you see in picture books in the homes of all the movie
09:45stars.
09:45Oh, this is Buzzy St. James, one of Madam's neighbors.
09:49Hello, son.
09:50Say, what you got in that box there, you little toy soldiers?
09:53No.
09:53A dead squirrel and formaldehyde.
09:57Listen, Pinky, I got a split.
09:58But guys in polyester suits make me nervous.
10:04Please excuse me.
10:11Madam, Mr. Pate is here.
10:16No, Madam.
10:18He doesn't show any outward signs of any heart condition.
10:22Yes, Madam.
10:23Right away.
10:27Mr. Pate, Madam would like you to join her in her bedroom that's upstairs down the hall, last door on
10:34the right.
10:34The one with the sign that says, please disturb.
10:37Why, thank you very much.
10:45Oh.
10:46How do you do?
10:51I think I know that guy.
10:54I saw him on TV back home in Georgia.
10:56He's, he's one of those, oh, you know, what do you call those guys who whack people on the forehead
11:01in order to cure them of something?
11:03You mean an evangelist?
11:04Yeah, that's it.
11:05He was always saying, Eddie Bob Pate, and ain't life great.
11:09Oh, my.
11:11An evangelist?
11:12In Madam's bedroom?
11:14Oh, boy.
11:16I better make myself a drink.
11:21Oh, every time I feel the spirit moving in my heart, I will pray.
11:27Hey, hey, oh, every time I feel the spirit moving in my heart, I will pray.
11:33Oh, come here, everybody.
11:39Madam?
11:40I'm behind the screen, darling.
11:43You know, all our stars get dressed behind one, except Shelley Winters.
11:46I hear she gets dressed in front of hers.
11:51Well, I sure am very anxious to see you after all these years.
11:56Hmm.
11:59Oh, my.
12:00Sounds like you really are anxious.
12:03Well, don't start without me.
12:04I'm just slipping into something more temporary.
12:08Well, now, don't get it public to me.
12:10I'm sure anything you wear would be perfectly...
12:12Well, hello, Eddie Bob Pate.
12:16Lord, up to now, I thank you for my perfect eyesight.
12:19Oh, stop momently yourself and kiss a girl.
12:24Okay, now you kissed a girl.
12:26Now I want you to kiss a woman.
12:28Madam, I should know that I am a married man.
12:31Well, my condolences.
12:32We all make mistakes.
12:33Oh, and you should know that I'm a man of God.
12:36A man of God?
12:37Well, lucky for both of us, I had disc brakes put on my thongs.
12:42Well, maybe you didn't know that I'm a religious woman myself.
12:47Yes, I've always believed in God.
12:49Just in case.
12:51Come, come, Eddie.
12:51Did you mistake one of those baths I used to give you for a baptism?
12:55No, madam.
12:56But even back then, I knew you were on the wrong road.
13:00And so I told myself then, I said, Eddie Bob, when you grow up, you've got to help that girl
13:05somehow.
13:06Oh, and here you are, looking like a coconut cream pie in the window of a closed bakery.
13:11Now, madam, I know how many times you've been married.
13:14Oh, glad to hear they sell calculators down south.
13:17And I've heard all about your faith.
13:20And through them all, I never once said the word cat.
13:22And I know you have a sinful amount of money.
13:25And so I must ask you, madam, what do you want to be saved?
13:30Saved?
13:30Honey, I'd rather be used.
13:32You're not looking at a discount coupon.
13:34Well, then you must allow me to lay my hands upon your body, madam.
13:37Oh, a healing.
13:38I've heard all about you.
13:39I've heard you're terrific.
13:41Yes, they said you once cast a demon out of a man that looked altogether to the world like a
13:45frog.
13:45It rustled the leaves on the trees, thrown a dog out the window, and flushed every toilet in the basement
13:50of the last Baptist church.
13:52Oh, come to think of it,
13:53I did wake up with a kink in my neck this morning.
13:56Must have fallen asleep in a strange position.
13:59Well, then you must allow me to lay my hands upon your body, madam.
14:02Oh, you got it, honey.
14:04Now, do you feel the heat running through your mother?
14:08Oh, like a pickpocket through downtown Tallahassee, anybody?
14:12Say hallelujah.
14:13Oh, hallelujah.
14:14No, say hallelujah.
14:15Hallelujah.
14:17Oh, hallelujah.
14:18Hallelujah.
14:18Oh, both of us.
14:21Well, that's a new one on me.
14:22Did you bring your little knee pads?
14:34That fellow in there with madam, he's kind of good looking, isn't he?
14:38So what?
14:39Well, he's already made a name for himself.
14:44What have I done?
14:45I'm a butler.
14:46Well, butlers are important.
14:48Didn't you see the movie Arthur?
14:50Now, Arthur had billions and billions of dollars,
14:53but the person he loved most in the whole world was a butler.
14:56Sarah Joy, that was a movie.
14:58In real life, Eddie Bob Pate is a symphony, and...
15:03I'm a kazoo.
15:05Oh, Pinky.
15:07It's not how important you are, it's what kind of man you are.
15:10Yeah, well, I'm the kind of man that rides on a woman's coattails.
15:14Look, you've just got to think positive, and everything will come your way.
15:18I heard Eddie Bob Pate say that on TV.
15:22What have you got in that box, anyway?
15:25My goodness, you bring your own little window on the world.
15:28Say hello, Daisy.
15:29Hallelujah.
15:30Rock of ages, cleft for me.
15:35Let me hide my face in thee.
15:39Madam, why aren't you singing?
15:41Well, Eddie, it's not my kind of song.
15:44Don't you know the lady is a tramp?
15:45Yes, madam, that's why I'm here.
15:47I want you to be born again.
15:49Oh, forget it, Eddie.
15:50It would kill my image.
15:52Besides, I read the Bible every morning.
15:54Really?
15:55Yes.
15:56I'm still looking for loopholes.
16:00I think you're a wonderful man, and you should be proud of yourself.
16:04Now, I want you to go upstairs and get yourself a good night's sleep.
16:08And when you wake up in the morning, you'll feel all better, okay?
16:12No, I want to sit here and be miserable.
16:15Okay, suit yourself.
16:18Good night.
16:19Good night.
16:21Good night.
16:45I better get myself a better hiding place for my diary.
16:50Lord, forgive me for failing this woman.
16:54Oh, Eddie, for gosh sakes, nonsense.
16:57You didn't fail me.
16:58You didn't even try to please me.
17:00Oh, yes, I did.
17:01I did.
17:02Maybe not in your way, maybe, but the right way.
17:05Oh, if I could just convince you.
17:07Oh, come on.
17:09Lighten up, Bobby.
17:11Hey, how would you like me to give you one last bath?
17:14Four times, say?
17:17What, madam?
17:18I got Mr. Bubba Lola.
17:19Come on.
17:20Oh, don't be sad.
17:21Oh, come on.
17:25Madam and I continued our whirlwind romance right through her final divorce decree.
17:33Her marriage to Jocko Van Pelt was doomed from the start because Jocko was, unbeknownst to
17:40madam, already married to Rita Dufay, the girl with the whistling...
17:45I can't believe I wrote this.
17:56Pinky?
18:07Pinky?
18:07You sleeping?
18:23Oh, wow.
18:26This is hot.
18:28Stop.
18:30Robby, dubby, dubby, there's a hunkin' dubby.
18:33Three days, three days, zero golden room days.
18:35Lift your arm, let me do it.
18:37Does that still tickle like it used to?
18:39Oh, God forgive me.
18:41Forgive you for what?
18:42All I'm doing is bathing your child.
18:44I know that matter, but I'm enjoying it so.
18:46Well, let's say, Daddy Birdie, you're human.
18:48Watch this.
18:49Ah!
18:55Wow.
19:00Wow.
19:03Pinky?
19:06Pinky?
19:06Hmm?
19:08Wake up.
19:08We better get you to your room before madam sees you like this.
19:11Oh, okay.
19:12Here we go.
19:18Easy, Daddy.
19:19Now, I want you to know it wouldn't be a bit of trouble.
19:22I have two dozen guest rooms, you know, Eddie Bob.
19:24If you'd rather stay here...
19:25Oh, no, no, thank you madam.
19:26And, uh, let's keep mom there, our little secret, okay?
19:30Oh, mom's the word, honey.
19:33Good luck.
19:34Same to you, daughter.
19:37And may the good Lord figure like it to you.
19:40Say hallelujah.
19:41Hallelujah.
19:41Oh, yeah, yeah.
19:44Oh, Bernie!
19:45Yeah.
19:46Good to see you.
19:46Listen, darling, first thing in the morning, I'd like you to set up a string of benefits for
19:50me.
19:51All right.
19:51Any worthy cause will do, but I don't want to charge a pinnock.
19:54Yeah, okay.
19:55Who knows?
19:56Eddie Bob might be right.
19:57A girl's got to cup all her bases.
19:59Oh.
20:00Oh.
20:01Oh.
20:02Oh.
20:03Oh.
20:04Oh.
20:06Oh.
20:06Oh.
20:07Oh.
20:11Oh.
20:15Madam loved Gary Cooper desperately, and I became a raving, jealous maniac.
20:23Boy, this is better than my dad's books.
20:26Even his last one, for your buns only.
20:32I know what I'll do.
20:33I'll send this to my dad's publisher, and they'll print it, and Pinkerton will be rich.
20:39He'll have his own butler.
20:46Well, good night.
20:48What are you doing here, Buzzy?
20:51Nothing.
20:51What are you doing here?
20:53I live here, silly.
20:55How is this going to do my bedtime exercises?
20:58What's that behind your back?
21:00Oh, nothing.
21:04Buzzy, let me sit.
21:13Buzzy St. James, if you stole my photo album from when I was Miss Titwillow back home, I'm going to
21:18tan your hide.
21:19Promises, promises.
21:20Buzzy St. James, if you stole my photo album from when I was Miss Titwillow back home, I'm going to
21:24tan your hide.
21:26Oh, for goodness sake, this is getting ridiculous.
21:31Oh, hello, madam.
21:33Uh, Bernadette, what was that call all about?
21:35Oh, well, now you remember, you wanted me to book you for some benefit appearances.
21:41Mm-hmm.
21:42And?
21:42Well, I made ten calls.
21:45Now, there were four turndowns, three hang-ups, and two accused me of making obscene phone calls.
21:51At least one.
21:52Who was that?
21:53Oh, that was the halfway house for dirty old man.
21:56You called them offering my services?
21:59Oh, no.
22:00They called you offering their services.
22:21Oh, no.
22:23Oh, no.
22:25Oh, no.
22:28Oh, no.
22:28Oh, no.
22:29Oh, no.
22:30Oh, no.
22:32Oh, no.
22:32Oh, no.
22:33Oh, no.
22:33Oh, no.
22:33Oh, no.
22:33Oh, no.
Comments