- 9 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:19Two.
00:26:21Eight.
00:26:32Okay, artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:34Listen up, my fellow astronauts.
00:26:38First things first.
00:26:40When I call your name, come on up, get yourself a name tag,
00:26:43and tell us a little about yourself.
00:26:44What you did on Earth and what you want to get out of this trip.
00:26:48Todd Sullivan.
00:26:52My name's Todd.
00:26:53I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here
00:26:55and introduce ourselves and, uh, fuck name tags.
00:26:58Oh, okay.
00:27:00Well, we don't have to wear them, I guess.
00:27:02But I did stay up all night making everyone individual drawings.
00:27:08Oh, okay.
00:27:09Well, I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games.
00:27:13Okay, Wimmy, did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:16Uh, yeah.
00:27:18Okay, Kyle, now you take a card.
00:27:20Did you return his volley?
00:27:21It says, yeah.
00:27:23Oh, good.
00:27:24Okay, Wimmy, take another card.
00:27:25Did you return the volley?
00:27:27It says I missed.
00:27:28Oh, match point.
00:27:30Kyle, you get a reward card.
00:27:33Now, would you like surprise now or surprise later?
00:27:36Uh, I will take surprise later.
00:27:39You know, the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more future-y.
00:27:44And Tennessee.
00:27:45Did you make this game, Elrond?
00:27:47Well, if you guys are not feeling it, we could play future badminton, future high-lie, or future darts.
00:27:53Uh, you know, I'm good.
00:27:55I'm gonna go mingle.
00:28:01Hey, Peggy, right?
00:28:03Yes!
00:28:03You know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate, but doesn't all of this seem a
00:28:07little less cool than they made it out to be?
00:28:09I mean, I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.
00:28:13Oh, what did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well, I mean, I was actually supposed to get married today.
00:28:21Wow!
00:28:21Yeah, but I mean, I mean, we all have families and friends back on Earth that we just picked up
00:28:26and left for a month.
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30Uh, I don't know about that.
00:28:31Sure they will!
00:28:33I just told my friends,
00:28:34Gang, I'll be back in a month!
00:28:36And then I left them 20 bowls of food, and I filled the bathtub with milk.
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking!
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here.
00:28:46You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely!
00:28:50Peggy, it's June.
00:28:52That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:56Well, I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink.
00:29:00Yeah? What do you mean?
00:29:02Well, what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three and a half weeks with nothing to
00:29:06drink?
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing. I... I don't mean anything.
00:29:12Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back!
00:29:19Okay, friends, listen up.
00:29:21Loser!
00:29:22Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
00:29:27Loser!
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis.
00:29:32Now, this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like a two
00:29:36-hour cat nap.
00:29:37Woo!
00:29:38He said cats!
00:29:39Uh, is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:42No, we will each be taking 500 easy-to-swallow pills.
00:29:45Did you say 500?
00:29:46500?
00:29:53Can we get some more water?
00:29:55Uh, no.
00:29:58Oh, God.
00:30:12I slept on my arm, weird.
00:30:15God, this aerobed half deflated.
00:30:18Ah, my neck!
00:30:20Elrond, I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:25Well, after you guys took all those Ambien...
00:30:26Stop.
00:30:27What?
00:30:28Ambien?
00:30:28We took 500 Ambien?
00:30:31Ha-ha.
00:30:31Pretty cool.
00:30:32Right, Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how Lil Peep died?
00:30:36Oh.
00:30:37Oh, wait.
00:30:38Oh, okay.
00:30:39You're just all gonna take them off?
00:30:40Okay.
00:30:41Oh, hey.
00:30:41Did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says,
00:30:45Welcome to Mars.
00:30:46A place for friends.
00:30:48Oh, that's...
00:30:49Yeah.
00:30:49That's cool, man.
00:30:50As you can see, I drew each one of us.
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here.
00:30:54Todd, what do you think?
00:30:56Uh, it sucks.
00:30:57It's stupid.
00:30:58You're stupid.
00:30:58You suck.
00:30:59Ha-ha.
00:31:00Ha-ha-ha.
00:31:01Come on, Todd.
00:31:03Oh, here we go.
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen,
00:31:06in a few moments,
00:31:07the airlock door will open,
00:31:09and in front of the watching world,
00:31:11we will become the first people
00:31:13to step from this ship
00:31:14and see Mars with our own eyes.
00:31:25This is incredible.
00:31:34Gather around, gather around.
00:31:36Just want to lay down some ground rules
00:31:38for my fellow Martians.
00:31:42Thank you, Jesus.
00:31:43The first and most important rule is
00:31:45have fun.
00:31:47Have fun up here, guys.
00:31:48This is your vacation.
00:31:50Mars is for fun.
00:31:52The second rule is
00:31:53do not touch the airlock
00:31:54because it will kill you.
00:31:55Now, down that corridor
00:31:56are the sleeping pods.
00:31:57Go claim a room
00:31:58and be back here
00:31:59for our first Martian lunch
00:32:00at 1,400.
00:32:04Well, hello, Kyle.
00:32:06Oh, hey, Wimmy.
00:32:07I see that you were praying again.
00:32:09A lot of prayer with you.
00:32:11All right.
00:32:11So, uh,
00:32:12so what's your story?
00:32:14Well, I'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty
00:32:17on the inside,
00:32:17a proud father
00:32:18to five angelic children,
00:32:20I have type 2 diabetes,
00:32:21and I don't believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:23What about you?
00:32:24Uh, I'm a dentist,
00:32:25which is cool.
00:32:27Actually, no, it's not.
00:32:29Little kids hate me.
00:32:30And, uh,
00:32:30I do believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:33Well, we'll work on that.
00:32:35That's why I'm here.
00:32:36I'm a missionary of sorts.
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:38into the first
00:32:39completely Christian planet.
00:32:41Okay, but there
00:32:42aren't any people on Mars.
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh, no.
00:32:49Bon appetit.
00:32:50Whoa.
00:32:52Elrond,
00:32:53did you make all this yourself?
00:32:55I had a little help
00:32:56from my good friend,
00:32:57murdered Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:01One more time, Elrond?
00:33:02I said this meal
00:33:04was actually prepared
00:33:05by one murdered
00:33:06Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:10It's an acronym.
00:33:11Its technical name is
00:33:12Mechanical Ultra Responsive
00:33:14Dietary Electronic Robotic
00:33:15Energized Delivery
00:33:16Meal Interface
00:33:17Dietary Wellness
00:33:18Efficiency System
00:33:19Tactile Edible
00:33:20Responsorous Nutrition
00:33:21Home or Mobile
00:33:22Omnivorous Sustenance
00:33:23Expeditious Xeno Culinary
00:33:24User Aligned
00:33:25Lunch Tool Enabled
00:33:26Eating Nourishment
00:33:27Aging Gastronomical
00:33:28Electronic Robot.
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit
00:33:31of a mouthful,
00:33:32so we call it
00:33:32the Murdered Midwestern
00:33:33Homosexual Teenager
00:33:34for short.
00:33:35That's really weird
00:33:37and offensive.
00:33:38I think that happened.
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind prototype,
00:33:41but in a few years,
00:33:42Lord willing,
00:33:42every town from Chicago
00:33:44to New Orleans
00:33:44will have its own
00:33:45Murdered Midwestern
00:33:46Homosexual Teenager.
00:33:48Gotta fix that acronym.
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words
00:33:50seemed unnecessary.
00:33:52You said robotic twice.
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it.
00:33:54Take it up with the good people
00:33:55that the Holocaust
00:33:56was greatly exaggerated.
00:33:58I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company.
00:34:00It stands for
00:34:00Technological Human Electronics.
00:34:02Okay, okay, so
00:34:02how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like
00:34:05a 3D printer for food.
00:34:06You just say whatever
00:34:07you want it to make
00:34:08and it...
00:34:09Jaeger.
00:34:12Rad.
00:34:13You got to hit that shit
00:34:15when the DJ's on.
00:34:17Yeah, baby,
00:34:17wear my suit's pajama
00:34:19when the food is wrong.
00:34:20You got to hit that
00:34:22Get it, Peggy.
00:34:22Shit when they play your song.
00:34:24You got you.
00:34:25You got you.
00:34:26You got you.
00:34:27Run.
00:34:27Yeah.
00:34:28Oh, yeah.
00:34:28Oh, yeah.
00:34:40Oh, yeah.
00:34:46Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:48Good morning. This is a surprise.
00:34:51Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:52Oh, well, are we sure you didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep. This is my bed.
00:34:58Oh, well, last night was the first in 18 years that I didn't share my bed with my lovely on
00:35:03-the-inside wife.
00:35:04So in my sleep, I must have wandered over here, mistaking your bodily warmth for hers.
00:35:09Okay, well, I'm going to get up.
00:35:1310-4, good buddy.
00:35:22There were good people on both sides of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:28They even put spaces. Fuck this company.
00:35:32Last night was fun.
00:35:35You know what, Peggy? Last night was fun.
00:35:38I think this is a really great group we got here.
00:35:40And it's cool that we're on Mars.
00:35:43And it's cool we're on Mars.
00:35:45You're right, Peggy.
00:35:46Fucking Mars.
00:35:48All right.
00:35:52Oh, boy. You know what that alarm means.
00:35:54It's time for Kyle's surprise.
00:35:57Oh, okay.
00:35:58What's going on?
00:35:59What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise.
00:36:01Surprise later?
00:36:02From future tennis?
00:36:03Oh, right.
00:36:04Hey, wow.
00:36:05Look at me.
00:36:06Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:07Now, I know the Martian landscape can feel pretty foreign, but you've won something that's going to make this place
00:36:14feel a lot more like home.
00:36:16All right.
00:36:17Okay.
00:36:18Lay it on me.
00:36:19Fun.
00:36:19Okay, Kyle.
00:36:21Say hello to your very own...
00:36:25Talk to me, baby.
00:36:26What do we got?
00:36:29Fiance!
00:36:31What the fuck?
00:36:32What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait, how is...
00:36:35How...
00:36:36How...
00:36:36How is she here now?
00:36:37When you won future tennis, I asked if you wanted surprise now or surprise later.
00:36:42You said surprise later.
00:36:43She shouldn't be here.
00:36:44This is bad.
00:36:45Can we pause?
00:36:46Can we...
00:36:46Can we pause for a second?
00:36:47Can we make the door go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle.
00:36:50We have to get her out of there.
00:36:51That's a decompression chamber.
00:36:53They're very dangerous.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:55Oh, God.
00:36:55Fuck me.
00:36:56Fuck me.
00:36:56Oh, fuck.
00:36:57Ha, ha, ha.
00:36:58Hi, Pumpkin!
00:37:00Hi, Kyle.
00:37:03Hi.
00:37:04I'm Candace.
00:37:06Kyle's fiance.
00:37:06That's funny.
00:37:07Kyle never talked about you at all.
00:37:08Yeah, I did.
00:37:09Yes, I know.
00:37:10I'm sure that I did.
00:37:11So this is crazy.
00:37:13This is also surprising.
00:37:14How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose surprise later, I knew we had to think of something really good for
00:37:20you.
00:37:20And as luck would have it right then, Candace showed up at the launch pad and was going
00:37:24on and on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you.
00:37:28When I found out, I said, what the heck?
00:37:30Send her up in a supply pod.
00:37:32Nothing is more important than true love.
00:37:34That's so cool.
00:37:36What would have happened if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won $400,000.
00:37:42Oh, $400,000.
00:37:44Yeah.
00:37:47Candace, could we just have a little sidebar to kind of clear the air?
00:37:51Because, you know, I'm sensing a little hostility between us.
00:37:55I'm not hostile, Kyle.
00:37:56Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no.
00:37:58I just, I feel like you're in, I mean, I don't want to tell you how you feel, but I
00:38:03imagine
00:38:03that you would have the right to be frustrated with me.
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
00:38:12Yeah, but, um, you seem mad.
00:38:15I'm not mad.
00:38:17Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no.
00:38:18No, I'm not mad at all.
00:38:20Okay, then we're not mad.
00:38:22Let's just drop it.
00:38:23Okay, yeah, yeah, fine.
00:38:25I mean, it just, it seems kind of weird.
00:38:28You motherfucker!
00:38:29Help!
00:38:30She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:34Okay, everyone, seems like the perfect time for a little safety meeting.
00:38:39We've had some rather unsafe behavior recently.
00:38:42I'm not going to name names.
00:38:44But I just want to really quickly go over some of the basics.
00:38:48First things first, this is the airlock.
00:38:51Earlier today, Kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock.
00:38:55Now, this is unsafe for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:57If you're in this thing without a spacesuit when the exterior door opens,
00:39:01the changing pressures could be fatal.
00:39:03Now, if you do have your spacesuit on
00:39:06and you're going to take a walk on the Martian surface,
00:39:08you would stand on this circle and give the voice command,
00:39:11Airlock C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:14Oh!
00:39:15Airlock closed!
00:39:18Thank you, Peggy.
00:39:19Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:22Exterior door opening in 30 seconds.
00:39:25Okay.
00:39:26Luckily, we have a safeguard built in.
00:39:28If you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your spacesuit,
00:39:32just give the voice command,
00:39:34Abort Airlock Procedure.
00:39:35Well, then do it.
00:39:37I am doing it.
00:39:38I was trying to.
00:39:39Abort Airlock Procedure.
00:39:40You're going to hurry, Airlock!
00:39:41I'm sorry.
00:39:42I didn't quite get that.
00:39:44Evacuating airlock in 20 seconds.
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say the command while people are talking.
00:39:49You all have to be...
00:39:50Okay, Kyle, I'm going to take it from here, okay?
00:39:52Abort Airlock.
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:54I'm sorry.
00:39:54I didn't quite get you.
00:39:55Candace, now you did it.
00:39:57I'm sorry.
00:39:57I was telling Kyle to be quiet for you.
00:39:59I wasn't going to say anything.
00:40:00You just did it from there!
00:40:01Evacuating airlock in 10 seconds.
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:04Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:09Stop!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11Wimmy!
00:40:11Sorry, Airlock!
00:40:12Will you both shut the fuck up?
00:40:14Everyone, shut up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:18Abort Airlock Procedure.
00:40:22Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
00:40:26Did that just happen?
00:40:28Okay, you guys are actually louder than my music.
00:40:31Did you not see that?
00:40:32What are you talking about?
00:40:34Elrond is dead!
00:40:36Who?
00:40:37Elrond!
00:40:38The billionaire guy that brought us here.
00:40:41Elrond, the main guy, Elrond.
00:40:43Oh, right.
00:40:43He died?
00:40:44His head exploded!
00:40:46Fuck off.
00:40:49holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not fucking cool
00:40:55lron branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy lord god almighty
00:41:01fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we need to keep our heads together
00:41:07poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words what you said let's keep our heads together
00:41:14his head exploded the things you say are inappropriate you don't realize it you're dumb
00:41:19holy shit he won't stop singing oh i'm sorry i'm just the only one trying to get us out of
00:41:25this mess
00:41:25how uh by sending a little sos to the big man upstairs but wimmy god's not real
00:41:34peggy isn't it enough that you killed our captain do you have to blasphemy god while you're at it
00:41:39i didn't kill it you're the one who said airlock closed airlock closed hey come on wimmy leave
00:41:46peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying kyle well i mean peggy is obviously
00:41:52she's you know peggy i don't want to offend you but i mean you're you're obviously
00:41:58like you have a mental thing right are you mentally handicapped oh i'm sorry no that that came out
00:42:07wrong look it's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other now i'm sure each one
00:42:12of us in this room has made mistakes and right now the best thing is for everyone here to just
00:42:18forgive everyone here so that we can all work together moving forward so we can all work together
00:42:25moving forward todd what is with the attitude i don't have an attitude well i'm not your fucking dad
00:42:31man i know you're not my dad my dad is awesome is alron okay
00:42:42okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and get them to pick us
00:42:47up
00:42:47and take us home i know hit this one peggy don't touch this is dangerous okay from now on no
00:42:55one touches
00:42:55anything todd telecom it's short for telecommunications
00:43:02mission control can you hear us there they are you bastards you bastards come to kill us now too
00:43:11guys guys we are so sorry about elron it was an accident we saw everything there's cameras
00:43:20uh what what do we do how do we get back home what happens okay well we should be able
00:43:28to just
00:43:28have the ship automatically bring you home just don't touch that big red button
00:43:32um peggy already did what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great that just
00:43:42disengaged all the return boosters oh thank you peggy did i fix it well now now what are we screwed
00:43:49is there is there another way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always prepare
00:43:55for a plan b oh thank god yeah if we start constructing another ship now we can get to
00:44:01you guys in about five years five years did you say five years we're all gonna be stuck up here
00:44:08for
00:44:08five years five five whole years maybe you should have thought about that before you killed al rock branson
00:44:14he was a candle in the wind and a rocket man that dude was a nerd nerd nerd you know
00:44:24what that's the
00:44:25problem with cool you guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted
00:44:32a world without nerds then merry christmas and happy birthday you're on one nerds out no no nerds nerds
00:44:41nerds no i cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go
00:44:56frame by
00:44:57frame toby can we go frame by frame here someone get toby out of the chair and let's go frame
00:45:01by frame
00:45:01okay here we go now he's like oh i'm in trouble i'm in trouble boom rewind see see he's still
00:45:09alive
00:45:09there still alive there there still alive he's feeling it right there and that's where i think
00:45:15he died what about you i honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me i have a
00:45:19whole folder
00:45:20of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in
00:45:24it
00:45:24getting back to the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning
00:45:29the loss of billionaire philanthropist l ron branson and watching the developments with bated breath
00:45:35so much so that mars enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor
00:45:40the events in the space station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal death of
00:45:45the only person who knew how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up i tell
00:45:50you it
00:45:50must be incredibly incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we start hey why
00:45:57not the women's bathroom i like the way you think stupid kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up
00:46:02but you're going to remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet pizza roast beef chocolate
00:46:32i'm not going to stick my dick in crazy what you just told your boyfriend you're on a break
00:46:37you're hurt you're angry you want to fuck somebody you're being crazy oh my god i wouldn't even think
00:46:44okay sweet that is not why i came over here oh okay my mistake and for your information crazy girls
00:46:52are the best in bed that's not true that's just something crazy girls say oh
00:47:03hey peggy they never said there was a limit on how much food we can make god it stinks in
00:47:09here
00:47:09anyways just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight shut up literally nobody
00:47:18has ever said that to me literally that's a shame because i think you're fucking sexy
00:47:26candace you are blowing my mind right now what do you say we lock this door put on some music
00:47:34grab a bottle of everclear and candace i'm gonna stop you right there and don't stick my fingers in crazy
00:47:41what it's my one rule don't get me wrong candace you're a very attractive woman and i'd be lying
00:47:48if i said i wasn't flattered but i know where this road leads and it's not a place where either
00:47:54of us
00:47:54would feel what the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship
00:48:04hey there wimmy right
00:48:16hi candace i was just talking to my best friend who's your best friend oh this is so fucking hard
00:48:25what say you and i have a little drink let me stop you right there i do not imbibe but
00:48:32i am happy to
00:48:32provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with alcohol
00:48:37you're funny listen wimmy you're a man with knees i'm a woman with knees what do you say we help
00:48:46each other out what no no no no no no no no no i am taken here's the tillium's clan
00:48:52right here
00:48:53ah what
00:49:02candace we just adulteried i adulteried
00:49:05i just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:11i'm sorry i just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and kyle has me
00:49:17feel like i'm
00:49:18losing my mind i'm not usually like this i swear okay well the lord has everything happen for a reason
00:49:27so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay john 3 16 says for god so loved
00:49:35the earth that he gave his only begotten son
00:49:37yeah but wimmy we're not on earth well it says earth but it means the whole solar system
00:49:44well why would he say earth if he meant solar system
00:49:49candace
00:49:49well way back when this was written god probably had no idea that in the future man would make it
00:49:54to other
00:49:55planets
00:49:55planets well i i mean he knew he just he had to know he just probably didn't i mean hold
00:50:02on
00:50:04hey hey i mean i get it guys in high school i wasn't the most popular guy either i i
00:50:09didn't even kiss a girl
00:50:10until i was 18 18 18 that's not nerdy that's cool
00:50:17i didn't mean 18 it wasn't 18 i don't i don't know why i said that it was way later
00:50:22it was like
00:50:22like 20 20 9 29 i was 29 oh okay that's pretty lame i guess i mean i kissed a
00:50:32girl when i was 28
00:50:33i didn't but i could have wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you you kissed a girl
00:50:38at 28 are you sure i'm not talking to a couple of cools right now
00:50:44yeah right get out of here you don't really think that
00:50:48oh i don't know i'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now
00:50:52shut up you know what would be really cool though
00:50:55if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:51:01well i guess us cools have to stick together
00:51:05that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy but i think if we all keep our cool
00:51:13we'll be able to walk you through it first thing you're gonna need to do is refill the
00:51:18spaceship's fuel reserve tank kyle i'm so sorry can we talk just just just a minute
00:51:24candace the mission control guys are helping us get home
00:51:27all right now to do this you'll need to divert the fuel from the station's resting generators
00:51:32to the ship's return tank okay resting generators got it
00:51:35i cheated on you with wimmy
00:51:39with wimmy what why weird okay all right look candace that is really shitty and we will have
00:51:47to talk about that but i i gotta do this right now
00:51:49this is what i'm talking about i travel all the way through space to get to mars to talk to
00:51:55you
00:51:55and all you do is ignore me guys is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal or is
00:52:01this
00:52:01somewhere in the ship here that is outside of the ship right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:08the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on
00:52:12the ship right
00:52:12two years of my life kyle my two best years wasted with you
00:52:19oh my god
00:52:20candace stop
00:52:25oh my god
00:52:27i could have married brian the lady
00:52:45the meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:49the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord
00:52:54the earth is the lord to the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she she broke the thing we're gonna die
00:53:08do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12todd i i don't know how to fix the container and i saw her do it she threw the the
00:53:18thing and then it
00:53:18made the the thing punch right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking
00:53:23about we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because i saw the air our air is
00:53:29sucked
00:53:29out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this
00:53:33bitch
00:53:35no no do not judge me until i have finished my sentence because then you will see that she has
00:53:43murdered you and she has murdered you and she has murdered me and she has also committed suicide
00:53:53and killed wimmy where where's wimmy there is no god here we abandoned him when we left the earth
00:54:00he has no jurisdiction up here the red planet is the planet of the devil okay first of all i'm
00:54:09gonna
00:54:09apologize to the room uh i lost my cool there i said some things that didn't need to be said
00:54:15and it's
00:54:16important for a leader to be calm and collected what what dude you are amazing hey can you say that
00:54:23part about you being the leader again kyle do you want to play future tennis with me kyle hates
00:54:28future tennis he thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years
00:54:32come and see you after you tried to run away from them okay candace can we can we try and
00:54:36stay focused
00:54:36please life-threatening situation here ring a bell you threw a fit now we're fucked we're
00:54:41fucked yes we're fucked we're not fucked we still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there
00:54:47that can take us home no the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to
00:54:51do let me guess what they said we have to refuel fill up the gas tank they yeah well they
00:54:56said fuel
00:54:57reserve uh-huh i'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's
00:55:01generators into the ship's reserve probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to
00:55:05connect wait a minute okay i don't want to offend you right now but are you smart i don't want
00:55:14to offend
00:55:14you but are you smart todd can i get a sidebar really quick
00:55:20candace and wimmy are very crazy and peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird way not
00:55:27to be
00:55:27crazy do you think that you can help me fix this ship uh i think you'll be more like you
00:55:32helping me fix
00:55:33the ship and also i don't need that i find that to be very encouraging
00:55:41hey there lust muffin what the did you just say guess what what turns out you were right about
00:55:48satan ruling mars i didn't say anything i should have seen it earlier it was right in front of my
00:55:54damn face part of my french i swear now what are you talking about i was just in my room
00:56:00indulging my
00:56:01own flesh treating my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts outside
00:56:09of marriage and i don't give a damn and guess what i loved it now i get what all the
00:56:16fuss is about why are
00:56:18you telling me all this i'm here to take you up on your offer i want to do every damn
00:56:23thing
00:56:26ah fuck it these suits are pretty cool
00:56:34we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40i mean it is to me a little bit i mean that's a big that's a big deal oh todd
00:56:47be careful
00:56:48oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58i don't know anything mechanical i was an indoor kid i can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:22i can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken wimmy
00:57:30you have to be hard i'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:36oh candace you need to relax more so i can stuff it in there i just got it in i'm
00:57:42in
00:57:43we are having sodomy wow you're not in no you're right it's out again damn i i gotta say todd
00:57:52i am pretty impressed oh great i impressed kyle that means a lot when i get home everyone will be
00:57:58like hey todd how was mars i'll be like it was okay but the real cool thing is while i
00:58:02was up there i
00:58:03impressed some idiot dude what is the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue
00:58:10with me seriously seriously yeah i don't like the way you treat women i'm sorry excuse me the way i
00:58:18treat women did i bash her face in with the lamp did i throw a monitor in her head it
00:58:23just didn't
00:58:24really sit well with me the way you were throwing around the b-word back there she is so mean
00:58:29to me
00:58:29she's been treating me like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined
00:58:34my life she ruins your life she came all the way up to mars for you she is crazy yeah
00:58:39because you've
00:58:39made her crazy look you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just
00:58:43been stringing her along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with
00:58:50her let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me i'm
00:58:56gonna go fix the
00:59:02ship wimmy tilliums is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08i can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:20hey there handsome devil
00:59:30when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends
00:59:36there's always one thing that you can count on i'm talking about friends you can always count on
00:59:44friends to lift you up when you are down friends are always there for you when no one else is
00:59:54around
00:59:56friends that's what i'm talking about friends you'd be a mess without
01:00:08friends
01:00:15they're the gang that you want to be with whenever you are able
01:00:20friends
01:00:32do you remember the slew of a-list celebs that were constantly dropping by
01:00:45and last but not least
01:00:49we had
01:01:18i just don't understand
01:01:20i just don't understand
01:01:20understand what you want from me. Stop trying to make me the bad guy here. Stop acting like one.
01:01:26Uh, okay. So sorry about that. Uh, you missed a couple of things. Basically what happened was
01:01:32while Todd finished fixing the ship, Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that stuff that Todd
01:01:37was telling him about how he wasn't being fair to her, but he still didn't really have the balls
01:01:41to tell her how he honestly felt. So she's still confused and unhappy. So she got all pissed and
01:01:48then he got all defensive and it was a pretty good scene. Anyway, sorry, sorry again. Watch for
01:01:53hands. I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle. Either love me or let me go. Look, I, I really
01:02:03do
01:02:04care about you, but, but I, by my calculations, we got 10 minutes of air left. So let's do this
01:02:10thing.
01:02:12Had to do some jerry rigging on the ignition system, but this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16from the main comm board for us to blast off. Holy shit, dude. I am so glad you're smart.
01:02:22All right. That's it. Murs sucks. Fuck it. Let's go home. And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy
01:02:29wants to come with us, you better hurry his ass up wherever he is.
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck? That was a big sin. And Whimmy likey. Whimmy likey a lot.
01:02:46Oh my God. There is no God up here, Kyle. I have abandoned the way of the Lamb. I now
01:02:52worship
01:02:53the goat.
01:02:55The Dark One demands more sacrifices, more blood for Satan.
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship. Say what? Scott, let's go.
01:03:04Becky, Candace, get in the ship. We got to get out of here.
01:03:07Metal, music, nudity, Democrats.
01:03:10Look, look, Whimmy, across. Jesus. Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:24We're in. We made it. We're all here.
01:03:25Huh. Well, Todd's dead. Right. Yeah. That's, uh, right. Yeah. That's, that's, that's too bad.
01:03:31And Elrond died. Shit. Right. Yeah. He, he also died.
01:03:35And I'm assuming Whimmy won't survive when we leave.
01:03:38Well, that's, well, I mean, fuck him, right? Come on. Let's just get out of here.
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars.
01:03:45Ignition in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3,
01:03:56What's happening?
01:03:57Where aren't we going? Where's two? Where's one?
01:04:00Face me! Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh. This fucking guy is ridiculous.
01:04:06Fuck.
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace.
01:04:09No! You are not doing this again!
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you.
01:04:13I, I just, I don't love you.
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself, but I also know that you, you deserve someone that does.
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger!
01:04:34Whimmy, get away from the court.
01:04:35In this quarter, fighting for the side of Satan!
01:04:40Whimmy, kill ya!
01:04:42Jesus Christ.
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ, Kyle!
01:04:49Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there, and I'm gonna pick up the court.
01:04:52Mortal Kombat!
01:04:53DAAAHHHH!
01:04:54Da-da-da-sub-zero, da-da-da-da, sub-zero, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
01:05:00-da-sub-zero.
01:05:01Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
01:05:04-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it, that it would end up, the two of us locked in battle!
01:05:09You know, sir!
01:05:11Uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
01:05:12Owwwww!
01:05:13Again!
01:05:13I'm pulling.
01:05:14Ohhhh.
01:05:16What?
01:05:17Uh!
01:05:18Ah!
01:05:19Ah!
01:05:19Ah!
01:05:19Ah!
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:23I'm sorry.
01:05:37I'm sorry.
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:41This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good. The world is ours.
01:07:01One more, in fact. Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle? I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but
01:07:28who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float. We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up. Hittin' a brick wall here. Think, Cooter. Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate. I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement. The others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who? What do these products have in common? They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you! Papadero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:51Please stop! Please stop! Please! I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man!
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking. Take us up the chain!
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager!
01:09:08Lucy! I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No, no!
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle! I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler! They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh, that's right. You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:32I don't know what's going on! Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch.
01:09:38Chomp chomp. Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know! Our parent company is Technological Human Electronic Household Optimal Luxury Organic Cyber Anthropomorphic Utility
01:09:48Systems Treatment Worldwide Analytics Software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated! They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in.
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like, shit, this'll be some drama. Let's send her up so
01:10:07people can watch the fireworks.
01:10:08But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen Belt?
01:10:15Yes, I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years. Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this.
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was! There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:36Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters. And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there.
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking paper ants then to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny!
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twinks! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twinks! That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:52They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:54Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:19Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked. How am I breathing?
01:12:29God?
01:12:31Oh no! What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck? What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars!
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada!
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now!
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:06Ooh!
01:13:08Ooh!
01:13:10Ooh!
01:13:11Ooh!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun.
01:13:15Twinks?
01:13:17Light them up.
01:13:19Ahhhh!
01:13:21Oh my god!
01:13:22Ahhhh!
01:13:23Ahhhh!
01:13:25Ah!
01:13:25Ah!
01:13:35Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Clip!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:42Ahhhh!
01:13:46Ahhh!
01:13:51Ahhhh!
01:13:54Ahhhh!
01:13:57Ahhhh!
01:13:58Ahhhh!
01:14:00Ahhhh!
01:14:01Ahhhhh!
01:14:02Ahhhh!
01:14:05Ahhhh!
01:14:07Ahhhh!
01:14:07Ahhhh!
01:14:08Three hundred and sixty-seven people were killed today,
01:14:12in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada,
01:14:14a horrific scene that led authorities to discover
01:14:17Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:22Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell,
01:14:26the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money
01:14:36and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson
01:14:42being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected
01:14:48with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey, guys.
01:14:52That's sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's going to be playing
01:15:03Guess Who with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey, how'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:40So, what are you going to do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:55in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah, yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:09Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace, um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true?
01:16:37It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:43I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancée who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of, like, jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean?
01:17:14How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us our funding
01:17:18back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run-among.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but what about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah, the thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Because she's, I mean, she's like, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here.
01:18:31Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the Stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:27I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh, come here, you.
01:19:49Come here, you.
01:21:58I am the Hiccup Jumbo.
01:22:01When the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends.
01:22:07Friends, there's always one thing that you can count on.
01:22:10I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13Friends, you can count on friends to lift you up when you are down.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:38They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:45Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:51Friends, friendship never friends.
01:22:52True story.
01:22:55True story.
01:23:22Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:23:24Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt!
01:23:45Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:47Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:55Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt!
01:24:08You would be dead without Brad Pitt!
01:24:11America's sweetheart Brad Pitt!
01:24:14From Cool World to Fight Club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:27Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:32Brad Pitt!
01:24:34Hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt!
01:24:37Also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt!
01:24:40Come on Academy, where is the Oscar for?
01:24:43Brad Pitt!
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt sexiest men alive.
01:24:51That's just because-
01:24:52Oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed.
01:24:54Sorry.
01:24:54I'm sorry.
01:25:00I'm sorry.
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