00:17Security alert. There was motion in the living room. Security alert. This fucking thing! Oh my god! It is possessed!
00:25Security alert. Okay. This thing keeps thinking we're intruders. I think it's like we have to get a new system
00:31or something.
00:33Just turn it off. We're here all day. We've never needed home security less.
00:37Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but there's record unemployment and the economy's in full collapse. I think people
00:42are probably gonna get desperate.
00:43Oh my god, babe. So you know how I'm part of a Facebook group where we all pretend to be
00:48ants in an ant colony?
00:49Well, someone asked us to name a movie but replace one word with ant.
00:52Somebody wrote Ant Ant.
00:57What? What are you talking about?
00:59It's Ant Man, but they replaced man with ant, so it's just Ant Ant, which I'm saying is funny.
01:04You know, the problem is this app, the update, is a disaster.
01:09Listen to these. The fault in our ants. Ant Club. Schindler's Ants. Don't be an ant in South Central while
01:14drinking juice in the ant.
01:15That's two ants, actually. I love the internet.
01:17I think this thing needs to register your face. Just, here, look into the camera.
01:21I think Ant Ant's still my favorite, though.
01:23Shane. Hmm?
01:24The camera.
01:26What about it?
01:27Look into the camera that I'm pointing at your face.
01:31Oh, my...
01:32Okay. I can't do this right now. Can you take this over? It's something with the setting. I don't know.
01:37I'll do it later.
01:47Thought we... thought we had talked about that burping.
01:51Sorry. Strawberry citrus frescas make it such a delight.
01:56It's pretty disgusting.
02:05Hey, Ali. Sorry. I had some technical stuff I was dealing with over here.
02:10Oh, I like that hat. That looks great.
02:13Thanks. I let my husband cut my hair and now we're getting a divorce.
02:18I can't tell if you're joking.
02:22You're not getting a divorce, are you?
02:23So, did you want to go over the slides before they join?
02:26Um, yeah. Yes, let's do that.
02:30Okay, here we go. Slides.
02:32Buddy, where'd you find the bottle opener?
02:35Uh, sorry, Ali. My...
02:37My boyfriend is incapable of finding the bottle opener on his own.
02:41Well, your boyfriend wouldn't have to ask if you didn't rearrange the kitchen every 24 hours.
02:45I rearranged it because I needed to make it more chef-friendly.
02:48So that it's, like, easier for me to cook for both of us
02:51because my boyfriend never, like, cooks anything.
02:54Your boyfriend actually tried to cook, but you told your boyfriend that he made too much of a mess and
02:58that his food lacked umami.
03:00Is that, that's your excuse?
03:02You know what, honey? I got it.
03:04Don't.
03:08Marko, we can just reschedule if it's a bad time.
03:11Uh, no.
03:14I'm sorry. I think I have to deal with this just for one second.
03:16Let me just pause here in the middle.
03:17We can just, or...
03:18Click this off.
03:19I...
03:20I can't do this anymore.
03:21I am done watching you lounge around like a frat boy while I take care of literally everything and support
03:26us.
03:27My job involves touching people. I can't do that from six feet away.
03:29Yeah, but you can do something other than getting day drunk and staring at your phone pretending to be an
03:34ant with weird internet people.
03:36Can I without violating one of your anal rules? No working out in the house, Shane. You're hogging the wifi,
03:42Shane. I need quiet for my work, Shane. Doing nothing is the one thing that doesn't get me yelled at.
03:47Or was.
03:47Don't try to act brand new. Like, you don't love doing nothing. You are peak you right now.
03:52Well, excuse me for trying to find the joy in a fucked up situation because I am a naturally joyous
03:59person.
03:59Also, we're supposed to be doing nothing. That's the whole lesson of this. Maybe if you stopped obsessing over useless
04:06security cameras for one second, you would realize that nothing we do during this time matters.
04:12You need to learn to stop optimizing and just be.
04:15The only reason you're able to just be is because I'm providing you that space.
04:20So what do you want me to do with all this space you're providing?
04:22You can start by cleaning up after yourself, Shane. I feel like I'm living with a 16 year old.
04:26And I feel like I'm living with my mother.
04:27You know what? That cuts. Come on.
04:31I think maybe quarantine is just teaching us that we're two very different people.
04:34Aaron and David apparently are getting closer than ever because of quarantine.
04:37I talked to him. He said they're fucking like rabbits.
04:40Meanwhile, we haven't touched each other in weeks.
04:42That's because you're always busy and never in the mood.
04:44It's hard for me to be in the mood, Shane.
04:46But I've just cleaned up shredded cheese that fell out of your mouth while you were looking for what you
04:51wanted in the fridge.
04:52Oh no, I told you. That's unnecessary. Finnegan licks that up.
04:55Look, it's natural for things to get a little bit stale after four years.
04:59Part of it could be that we've been trapped inside these same four walls for months.
05:03I suddenly understand those pandas who refuse to smash in captivity.
05:06Hmm.
05:07Hey.
05:09What we need is to get out in the wild, you know? Give our mating life a little zhuzh.
05:16Like have sex in a forest?
05:18No. I mean like find a third.
05:21Please tell me you didn't just pitch a threesome during this fight about our relationship during a global pandemic.
05:28Could be good for us. We haven't done anything like that for a while. Aaron and David do it constantly.
05:32I just had an idea.
05:33What?
05:33Why don't we just fuck a giant like coronavirus molecule instead, you know?
05:38We can just Eiffel Tower, one of us on each end. Is that zhuzh enough for you?
05:43Coronavirus isn't a molecule, it's a cell. Anyway, forget it. I was just thinking out loud.
05:48Just thought I could provide a little zhuzh.
05:51Zhuzh my crack!
06:01Hi Allie, sorry. I'm back.
06:04Hey, so I just sent you a thing on how to mute your audio going forward.
06:14Security alert.
06:17The kitchen window was open.
06:19You have to press the button on the sensor when you open the window.
06:22Forget, what's the password again?
06:24It's our anniversary. Just put in our anniversary.
06:27Security alert.
06:28The kitchen window was open.
06:30Oh, come on.
06:32Security alert.
06:35What is this? What are you doing?
06:37I was baking you an apology to Angel Food Strawberry Shortcake.
06:40I figured if shirtless Chris Hancock could do it, so could I.
06:43It turns out Angel Food is impossible and he's pretty talented.
06:46Anyway, I know you only really like eating the icing, so...
06:53Instacart had a deal on Funfetti.
06:59Also, I cleaned up as I went, which, oh my God, so much easier.
07:03Really good move.
07:09So I've been thinking.
07:11I think maybe you're right.
07:12I think it could be a good time for us to fool around with somebody new.
07:17Did you eat one of my edibles?
07:18Just focus, Shane.
07:19Just fucking focus for five seconds.
07:21Okay.
07:22Maybe it is the perfect time.
07:23It's like nothing you do in quarantine matters, right?
07:25You said that yourself.
07:26It's like the NFL preseason, right?
07:28None of the games count and so nobody gives a fuck what happens because...
07:33Everyone's just waiting for the regular season to start again, right?
07:35Except the players are still getting injured in preseason, so there's actually a push to do away with it in
07:39the NFL.
07:40But I hear you.
07:41We have to do something, right?
07:44And this, you know, threesome thing has obviously been on your mind.
07:47What happened at Eiffel Tower and COVID?
07:49We're gonna have to be very selective with guys.
07:52I'm sure there are people out there who have been as careful as we have and we need to find
07:56them.
07:57If you're on board, we should talk about next steps.
08:02I'll download Grindr.
08:06You can't use that picture.
08:07Why not?
08:08I look like I'm about to cry.
08:10Some people are into that.
08:11Nobody is into that.
08:12Use the one from Tara's Wedding.
08:14Yeah, that's good.
08:14Here, scroll down.
08:16Okay, body type.
08:17Toned?
08:18We're toned.
08:18Are we not toned?
08:20I don't know.
08:22What are the options?
08:23I'd put average, but it sounds defeatist.
08:25Leave toned.
08:26It's fine.
08:26Okay, what do you think about our tribes?
08:28I put clean cut, discreet, jock, rugged.
08:31Well, you can't be clean cut and rugged.
08:33Put geek, discreet, clean cut, and that's good.
08:39And don't put jock because that makes us sound like we play sports, which we don't.
08:42Who cares?
08:43We're not being audited.
08:44Well, it's dishonest.
08:46You're misrepresenting us.
08:47Oh my God, you do it.
08:48I don't like being chastised while I scroll for trade.
08:50Couple looking for a third for NSA fun must be social distancing, must have good hygiene, must wear deodorant, no
08:58drugs, chest hair a plus.
09:03Yeah, that's nice.
09:05Relaxed and personable.
09:08Okay, let's get to know the gayborhood.
09:10Oh my God, there are so many people online.
09:12This is so irresponsible.
09:14I get it.
09:15People are lonely.
09:16We're in isolation.
09:17Look, there's neighbor Jim from next door.
09:19Only 20 feet away.
09:20Could be very convenient, you know.
09:21He's our neighbor, Shane.
09:22I'm kidding.
09:23Lighten up.
09:24What's he gonna say when he sees us?
09:25This is what I don't like about Grindr is it's so public.
09:28I bet we know somebody that we could just text and have a threesome that way.
09:32And if they say no or worse, they say yes and it goes poorly?
09:35Social suicide.
09:37Yeah, but nobody on this is looking particularly responsible.
09:41Look, this person's name is Jizzy McGuire.
09:43We don't have to do this, you know.
09:44We can just forget this ever happened.
09:46It's fine.
09:47Just keep looking.
09:48Oh my God.
09:49Oh.
09:50Oh my God.
09:51It's hot back sweat pattern guy.
09:53What is that?
09:54Who is that?
09:55It's the guy from the gym with the hyper-masculine armpit and back sweat pattern whom we used
09:58to stare at endlessly.
10:01Oh, wow.
10:03Yeah, he looks really good.
10:07Do we think he's responsible though?
10:09Don't you remember he used to wipe down the machines before and after he used them in
10:13this crazy OCD way?
10:15Yeah, but if you're sweating that much, you have to be wiping.
10:18I'm messaging him.
10:21Hey.
10:25Oh.
10:31Okay, here we go.
10:32Here we go.
10:32Here we go.
10:32Looking good, man.
10:35Thanks.
10:36Did you used to go to Equinox DTLA?
10:41Did you?
10:42Okay.
10:42Thought you looked familiar.
10:49Towel guys.
10:51We did go pretty hard on the towels.
10:54Yeah, well that's what they're there for.
10:57We like to stay clean.
10:58He he he he.
11:01Looking for?
11:02Third for fun.
11:03You?
11:05Oh my God.
11:07Are you allowed to ask that?
11:08That is so intense.
11:09I mean we want intense.
11:10Intense is good, right?
11:12It means that he's being safe.
11:13No, but we've been very careful.
11:17Careful how?
11:18Masks, disinfecting, six feet, etc.
11:22How about you?
11:25Same.
11:26Into.
11:26What are we into?
11:27Sex.
11:28I don't know.
11:29Sex is vague.
11:30Gay sex.
11:31I'll just put mild to wild.
11:33Okay.
11:35Mild to wild.
11:36You?
11:39Same.
11:39When are you free?
11:41I don't know.
11:42I need a day to groom.
11:44Sunday.
11:44Say Sunday.
11:45Sunday?
11:49Security alert.
11:50There was motion in the living room.
11:52I told you, turn it off.
11:54No, if he murders us, I want to get it on camera.
11:57That's the whole point of having one of these.
11:58If he murders us, we'll be dead.
12:04Okay.
12:07Oh, God.
12:10Is this like the worst idea in history?
12:13Will you just breathe?
12:15These things are all about going with the flow,
12:17which I know is not your strong suit,
12:18so just follow my lead and try to relax.
12:20I'm relaxed, Shane.
12:22Front door.
12:25God.
12:27Hi.
12:28Hi.
12:28Come on in.
12:29Shane.
12:31Look.
12:31Yeah.
12:31You just can't be too careful.
12:34Hi.
12:35Adam.
12:35Good to meet you.
12:36Thanks for making the trek.
12:36This is Marco.
12:38Hey, Adam.
12:39Nice to meet you.
12:39Hey.
12:40Hey.
12:43Oh.
12:44Towel guys.
12:45Cute.
12:46That's us.
12:47Can you welcome me?
12:52Do you want a drink?
12:53I made mint juleps.
12:55I don't drink.
12:56Yeah, I don't like to poison my body.
12:58And, you know, I'd prefer it if we just got right into it, if that's okay.
13:02Fine by us.
13:03Yeah.
13:03Hey, I'm sorry.
13:04What's that smell?
13:07Oh, it's this candle, I think.
13:10Um, it's, uh, it's called the Moonlight Walk, which is, like, less of a Santa Marvin.
13:15Yeah, I'm actually really sensitive to candles.
13:19Okay.
13:20Here we go.
13:21Yeah, maybe we could crack a window, too?
13:23Crack a window.
13:24Yes.
13:24Right on the...
13:27Security alert.
13:28So, um, shall we retire to the bedroom?
13:31I'd prefer to just keep it right here, if you guys don't mind.
13:36Here works fine.
13:38Hey.
13:39Hey.
13:40Mm.
13:41Mm.
13:42Mm.
13:43Mm.
13:44Mm.
13:46Mm.
13:48Mm.
13:50Mm.
13:51Mm.
13:52Mm.
13:54Mm.
13:55Mm.
13:56Morning, babe.
13:56Water's fine.
13:59Mm.
13:59Mm.
14:01Mm.
14:02Mm.
14:03Mm.
14:03Mm.
14:04Mm.
14:05Mm.
14:08Hey.
14:14What? Is everything okay?
14:15No, yeah, sorry. It's just I noticed you were biting your nails earlier.
14:18Was I? I'm sorry. I think I'm a little nervous.
14:22No, it's fine. It's just I have a thing against nail biting. I think it's pretty disgusting.
14:27It is. It is.
14:28There's all kinds of dirt and bacteria under there, you know? It's like we're gonna be kissing.
14:32Yeah, no, no. I literally agree with you. I agree with you.
14:36It's cool. Maybe you should just go rinse your mouth.
14:40Oh, yeah. Yes.
14:42Yes. Now. Yeah. Okay.
14:45I'm sorry.
14:48I'll go rinse.
14:50Also, I don't know. I can still smell that weird candle.
14:53Is there any way we could, like, open another window? Maybe create a cross draft?
15:01I can make a cross draft, yeah.
15:18Oh! What was that?
15:21That was a cross draft.
15:23Oh.
15:24He's creating a cross draft.
15:33What are you doing?
15:34I'm rinsing out the dirt and bacteria from my mouth.
15:37Well, hurry up. It's getting awkward out here.
15:39Oh, is it getting awkward? It didn't look awkward at all. It looked like you and that guy were hooking
15:42up and you were really enjoying it.
15:43Yeah, I thought that was the point. Weren't you the one who pushed for this whole thing?
15:46I was pushing for it because I thought it's what you wanted. And obviously I was right. You're very into
15:51that guy, which I don't understand at all.
15:52He's like so anal about everything.
15:55Believe it or not, I'm kind of used to that.
16:00I'm not like that.
16:03You're not?
16:09Oh my god.
16:12Am I like that?
16:15Is that what I'm like?
16:16He is much, much, much, much worse, but sometimes a little bit, yes.
16:21Oh my god. No wonder you want to mate with other pandas.
16:23I don't want to mate with other pandas. The only reason I brought this up is because you're always telling
16:28me how disgusting you think I am.
16:30I figured you wanted someone else.
16:32Shane, I don't think you're disgusting. I think some of your behaviors are disgusting, not you as a person.
16:37Thank you. The way you've been talking to me lately makes me feel like you're gonna leave me.
16:43Leave you? You think I'm gonna leave you? I'm doing all this because I don't want to leave you, because
16:47I want us to work. Why would I want to leave you?
16:49Because you're smart and capable and impressive. And I don't really bring anything to the table.
16:56And I feel like everything I do only pisses you off.
17:02I just feel like...
17:07Sometimes I feel like you don't like me anymore.
17:11Shane.
17:12Shane.
17:12You think I don't realize that you deserve to be with someone more compatible? Someone like him?
17:17Are you kidding me? That would be a nightmare. The house would be spotless, but we'd anal each other to
17:23death.
17:25No. Baby, you keep things light and fun and...
17:29You remind me to not take things so seriously and to be a person and you make me laugh.
17:34Of course I like you. I love you.
17:39Really?
17:40Yeah. You're my queen aunt.
17:43Don't you mean you're the queen and I'm your worker aunt?
17:47I guess I was thinking I'm the worker because I do so much more of the work.
17:51But the queen is like in charge.
17:53That's true.
17:54You know what? This aunt analogy doesn't work.
18:00What are we going to do about that murder hornet out there?
18:07What the fuck?
18:09What happened?
18:09I don't know. It just started going off.
18:11Did you touch anything?
18:12No. I was just sitting there.
18:13Shit. It's broken. We're probably going to have to call a technician.
18:16Did you put in the passcode?
18:19Doesn't work. This has happened before. Technician has to come. You should probably go.
18:24What? He said you should probably go.
18:29Are you serious?
18:31Sorry, man.
18:38Well, it was nice meeting you.
18:40What? Sorry. It's really hard to hear you.
18:43Never mind.
18:54Not as dumb as I was.
18:55You're not dumb at all.
18:57You're my little kitty cat. Come here.
18:59Come here, baby.
19:01Front door.
19:05Hello.
19:06Hello.
19:06Fresh pack of fresca for you.
19:09Thank God.
19:11Ooh, ooh.
19:11Oh, wait.
19:12I want to see.
19:15These work.
19:20Oh, my God.
19:22They worked.
19:23Well, I did.
19:24The cameras.
19:25They recognized me.
19:26Well, look at that.
19:28How's the colony today?
19:29Actually, I've been shopping for a new vacuum for us.
19:31Managed to find a Dyson 30% off.
19:33Oh, my God.
19:34That's the hottest thing you've ever said to me.
19:37Oh.
19:39Seriously?
19:40I just opened it to delete the profile and for some light snooping.
19:45Serious.
19:46Uh-oh.
19:47What?
19:47Neighbor Jim sent us a message.
19:49He saw us on there.
19:51What did he say?
19:52Hey, boys.
19:57Probably all alone over there, huh?
20:00Yeah.
20:03Maybe we should invite him over for a little
20:06socially distanced something on the patio.
20:08That'd be great.
20:09Right?
20:09Yeah.
20:12Security alert.
20:13Son of a bitch!
20:24Let me into this impossible dream
20:32And know how not to know just what that means
20:39Except to think of all that might be seen
20:48Oh.
20:49And know what that means
20:55Wow!
20:56Yeah!
21:13That's who you're welcome!
Comments