- 1 day ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:14Five.
00:26:23Six.
00:26:32Okay, artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:34Listen up, my fellow astronauts.
00:26:38First things first.
00:26:40When I call your name, come on up, get yourself a name tag,
00:26:43and tell us a little about yourself.
00:26:44What you did on Earth and what you want to get out of this trip.
00:26:48Todd Sullivan.
00:26:52My name's Todd.
00:26:53I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here
00:26:55and introduce ourselves and, uh, fuck name tags.
00:26:58Oh, okay.
00:27:00Well, we don't have to wear them, I guess.
00:27:02But I did stay up all night making everyone individual drawings.
00:27:08Okay.
00:27:09Well, I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games.
00:27:13Okay, Wimmy, did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:16Uh, yeah.
00:27:17Okay, Kyle, now you take a card.
00:27:20Did you return his volley?
00:27:21It says, yeah.
00:27:23Oh, good.
00:27:24Okay, Wimmy, take another card.
00:27:25Did you return the volley?
00:27:27It says I missed.
00:27:28Oh, match point.
00:27:30Kyle, you get a reward card.
00:27:33Now, would you like surprise now or surprise later?
00:27:36Uh, I will take surprise later.
00:27:40You know, the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more future-y.
00:27:44And tennis-y.
00:27:45Did you make this game, Elrond?
00:27:47Well, if you guys are not feeling it, we could play future badminton, future high-lie, or future darts.
00:27:53Uh, you know, I'm good.
00:27:55I'm gonna go mingle.
00:28:01Hey, Peggy, right?
00:28:03Yes!
00:28:04You know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate, but doesn't all of this
00:28:07seem a little less cool than they made it out to be?
00:28:09I mean, I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.
00:28:13Oh.
00:28:14What did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well, I mean, I was actually supposed to get married today.
00:28:21Wow!
00:28:21Yeah, but I mean, I mean, we all have families and friends back on Earth that we just picked
00:28:26up and left for a month.
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30I don't know about that.
00:28:31Sure they will!
00:28:33I just told my friends, gang, I'll be back in a month!
00:28:36And then I left them 20 bowls of food, and I filled the bathtub with milk.
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking!
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here.
00:28:46You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely!
00:28:50Peggy, it's June.
00:28:52That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:56Well, I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink.
00:29:00Yeah?
00:29:01What do you mean?
00:29:02Well, what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns, and they've got three and a half
00:29:05weeks with nothing to drink?
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing.
00:29:10I...
00:29:10I don't mean anything.
00:29:12Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back!
00:29:19Okay, friends, listen up.
00:29:21Loser!
00:29:22Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
00:29:27Loser!
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis.
00:29:32Now, this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like
00:29:36a two-hour cat nap.
00:29:37Woo!
00:29:38He said cats!
00:29:39Uh, is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:42No.
00:29:42We will each be taking 500 easy-to-swallow pills.
00:29:45Did you say 500?
00:29:53Can we get some more water?
00:29:55Uh, no.
00:29:58Oh, God.
00:30:12I slept on my arm weird.
00:30:15God, does the arrow bed half deflated.
00:30:18Oh, my neck!
00:30:20Elrond, I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:24Well, after you guys took all those Ambien...
00:30:26Stop.
00:30:27What?
00:30:28Ambien?
00:30:28We took...
00:30:29We took 500 Ambien?
00:30:31Ha-ha.
00:30:31Pretty cool.
00:30:32Right, Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how Lil Peep died?
00:30:36Oh.
00:30:37Oh, wait.
00:30:38Oh.
00:30:38Oh, okay.
00:30:39You're just all gonna take them off?
00:30:40Okay.
00:30:41Oh, hey.
00:30:41Did you guys...
00:30:42Did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says,
00:30:45Welcome to Mars.
00:30:46A place for friends.
00:30:48Oh, that's...
00:30:49Yeah.
00:30:49That's cool, man.
00:30:51As you can see, I drew each one of us.
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here.
00:30:54Todd, what do you think?
00:30:56Uh, it sucks.
00:30:57It's stupid.
00:30:58You're stupid.
00:30:58You suck.
00:30:59Ha-ha.
00:31:01Come on, Todd.
00:31:03Oh, here we go.
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen,
00:31:06in a few moments,
00:31:07the airlock door will open,
00:31:09and in front of the watching world,
00:31:11we will become the first people
00:31:13to step from this ship
00:31:14and see Mars
00:31:15with our own eyes.
00:31:23Oh!
00:31:25This is incredible.
00:31:34Gather around, gather around.
00:31:36Just want to lay down some ground rules
00:31:38for my fellow Martians.
00:31:42Thank you, Jesus.
00:31:44The first and most important rule is
00:31:45have fun.
00:31:47Have fun up here, guys.
00:31:48This is your vacation.
00:31:50Mars is for fun.
00:31:52The second rule is
00:31:53do not touch the airlock
00:31:54because it will kill you.
00:31:55Now, down that corridor
00:31:56are the sleeping pods.
00:31:57Go claim a room
00:31:58and be back here
00:31:59for our first Martian lunch
00:32:00at 1,400.
00:32:04Well, hello, Kyle.
00:32:06Oh, hey, Wimmy.
00:32:07I see that you were praying again.
00:32:09A lot of prayer with you.
00:32:11All right.
00:32:11So, uh...
00:32:12So what's your story?
00:32:14Well, I'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty
00:32:17on the inside,
00:32:18a proud father
00:32:18to five angelic children.
00:32:20I have type 2 diabetes
00:32:21and I don't believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:23What about you?
00:32:24Uh, I'm a dentist,
00:32:25which is cool.
00:32:27Actually, no, it's not.
00:32:29Little kids hate me.
00:32:30And, uh, I do believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:33Well, we'll work on that.
00:32:35That's why I'm here.
00:32:36I'm a missionary of sorts.
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:38into the first
00:32:39completely Christian planet.
00:32:41Okay, but there aren't
00:32:42any people on Mars.
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh, no.
00:32:49Bon appetit.
00:32:50Whoa!
00:32:52Elrond, did you make
00:32:54all this yourself?
00:32:55I had a little help
00:32:56from my good friend,
00:32:57murdered Midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager.
00:33:01One more time, Elrond?
00:33:02I said this meal
00:33:04was actually prepared
00:33:05by one murdered
00:33:06Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:10It's an acronym.
00:33:11Its technical name is
00:33:12Mechanical Ultra Responsive
00:33:14Dietary Electronic Robotic
00:33:15Energized Delivery
00:33:16Meal Interface
00:33:17Dietary Wellness
00:33:18Efficiency System
00:33:19Tactile Edible
00:33:20Responsorous Nutrition
00:33:21Home or Mobile
00:33:22Omnivorous Sustenance
00:33:23Expeditious
00:33:23Xeno Culinary
00:33:24User Aligned
00:33:25Lunch Tool Enabled
00:33:26Eating Nourishment
00:33:27Aging Gastronomical
00:33:28Electronic Robot.
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit
00:33:31of a mouthful,
00:33:32so we call it
00:33:32the Murdered Midwestern
00:33:33Homosexual Teenager
00:33:34for short.
00:33:35That's really weird
00:33:37and offensive.
00:33:38I think that happened.
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind
00:33:40prototype,
00:33:41but in a few years,
00:33:42Lord willing,
00:33:42every town from Chicago
00:33:44to New Orleans
00:33:44will have its own
00:33:45Murdered Midwestern
00:33:46Homosexual Teenager.
00:33:47Gotta fix that acronym.
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words
00:33:50seemed unnecessary.
00:33:52You said robotic twice.
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it.
00:33:54Take it up with the good people
00:33:55that the Holocaust
00:33:56was greatly exaggerated.
00:33:58I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company.
00:34:00It stands for
00:34:00Technological Human Electronics.
00:34:02Okay, okay, so
00:34:02how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like
00:34:05a 3D printer for food.
00:34:06You just say whatever
00:34:07you want it to make
00:34:08and it...
00:34:09Jaeger.
00:34:12Rad.
00:34:13You got to hit that shit
00:34:15when the DJ's on.
00:34:17Yeah, baby,
00:34:17wear my soap pajama
00:34:19when the food is wrong.
00:34:20You got to hit that shit
00:34:22when they play your song.
00:34:24You got your, you got your,
00:34:25you got your,
00:34:27you got your...
00:34:28Oh, yeah.
00:34:34Oh, yeah.
00:34:44Whoa.
00:34:47Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:48Good morning.
00:34:49This is a surprise.
00:34:51Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:52Oh, well,
00:34:54are we sure you
00:34:55didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep.
00:34:57This is my bed.
00:34:58Oh, well,
00:34:59last night was the first
00:35:00in 18 years
00:35:01that I didn't share my bed
00:35:02with my lovely
00:35:03on the inside wife.
00:35:04So in my sleep,
00:35:05I must have wandered over here,
00:35:06mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for hers.
00:35:09Okay, well,
00:35:12I'm going to get up.
00:35:1310-4, good buddy.
00:35:22There were good people
00:35:24on both sides
00:35:25of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:28They even put spaces.
00:35:29Fuck this company.
00:35:32Last night was fun.
00:35:35You know what, Peggy?
00:35:36Last night was fun.
00:35:38I think this is a really
00:35:39great group we got here.
00:35:41And it's cool
00:35:41that we're on Mars.
00:35:43And it's cool
00:35:44we're on Mars.
00:35:45You're right, Peggy.
00:35:46Fucking Mars.
00:35:48All right.
00:35:52Oh, boy.
00:35:53You know what
00:35:53that alarm means.
00:35:54It's time for Kyle's surprise.
00:35:57Okay, what's going on?
00:35:59What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise.
00:36:01Surprise later
00:36:02from future tennis.
00:36:03Oh, right.
00:36:04Hey, wow.
00:36:05Look at me.
00:36:06Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:07Now, I know the Martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign,
00:36:11but you've won something
00:36:12that's going to make this place
00:36:14feel a lot more like home.
00:36:16All right.
00:36:17Okay.
00:36:18Lay it on me.
00:36:19Fun.
00:36:19Okay, Kyle.
00:36:21Say hello
00:36:22to your very own...
00:36:25Talk to me, baby.
00:36:26What do we got?
00:36:29Fiance!
00:36:31What the fuck?
00:36:32What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait, how is...
00:36:35How...
00:36:36How...
00:36:36How is she here now?
00:36:37When you won future tennis,
00:36:39I asked if you wanted
00:36:40surprise now
00:36:40or surprise later.
00:36:42You said surprise later.
00:36:43She shouldn't be here.
00:36:44This is bad.
00:36:45Can we pause?
00:36:46Can we...
00:36:46Can we pause for a second?
00:36:47Can we make the door
00:36:48go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle.
00:36:50We have to get her out of there.
00:36:51That's a decompression chamber.
00:36:53They're very dangerous.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:55Oh, God.
00:36:55Fuck me.
00:36:56Fuck me.
00:36:56Oh, fuck.
00:36:57Ha, ha, ha.
00:36:58Hi, Pumpkin!
00:37:00Hi, Kyle.
00:37:03Hi.
00:37:04I'm Candace.
00:37:06Kyle's fiancée.
00:37:06That's funny.
00:37:07Kyle never talked
00:37:08about you at all.
00:37:08Yeah, I did.
00:37:09Yes, I know.
00:37:10I'm sure that I did.
00:37:11So this is...
00:37:12This is crazy.
00:37:13This is all so surprising.
00:37:14How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose
00:37:17surprise later,
00:37:18I knew we had to think
00:37:18of something really good for you.
00:37:20And as luck would have it,
00:37:22right then,
00:37:22Candace showed up
00:37:23at the launch pad
00:37:24and was going on and on
00:37:25about how much she needed
00:37:26to get up here
00:37:27and get to you.
00:37:28When I found out,
00:37:29I said,
00:37:30what the heck?
00:37:30Send her up in a supply pod.
00:37:32Nothing is more important
00:37:33than true love.
00:37:34That's so cool.
00:37:36What would have happened
00:37:37if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won $400,000.
00:37:42Oh, $400,000.
00:37:43$400,000, yeah.
00:37:47Candace, could we just have
00:37:48a little sidebar
00:37:49to kind of clear the air?
00:37:51Because, you know,
00:37:51I'm sensing a little
00:37:53hostility between us.
00:37:55I'm not hostile, Kyle.
00:37:56Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no.
00:37:58I just...
00:37:59I feel like you're...
00:38:00I mean, I don't want to tell you
00:38:02how you feel,
00:38:02but I imagine
00:38:03that you would have the right
00:38:06to be frustrated with me.
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
00:38:12Yeah, but, um,
00:38:14you seem mad.
00:38:16I'm not mad.
00:38:17Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no.
00:38:18I'm not mad at all.
00:38:20Okay, then we're not mad.
00:38:22Let's just drop it.
00:38:23Okay, yeah, yeah, fine.
00:38:25I mean, it just...
00:38:26It seems kind of weird.
00:38:28You motherfucker!
00:38:29Help!
00:38:30She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:34Okay, everyone.
00:38:36Seems like the perfect time
00:38:37for a little safety meeting.
00:38:39We've had some rather
00:38:40unsafe behavior recently.
00:38:42I'm not going to name names.
00:38:44But I just want to really quickly
00:38:46go over some of the basics.
00:38:48First things first.
00:38:49This is the airlock.
00:38:51Earlier today,
00:38:52Kyle was suggesting
00:38:52that we leave someone
00:38:53in the airlock.
00:38:55Now, this is unsafe
00:38:56for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:57If you're in this thing
00:38:59without a spacesuit
00:39:00when the exterior door opens,
00:39:01the changing pressures
00:39:02could be fatal.
00:39:03Now, if you do have
00:39:05your spacesuit on
00:39:06and you're going to take a walk
00:39:07on the Martian surface,
00:39:08you would stand on this circle
00:39:09and give the voice command
00:39:11airlock C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:14Oh!
00:39:15Airlock closed!
00:39:18Thank you, Peggy.
00:39:19Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:22Exterior door opening
00:39:23in 30 seconds.
00:39:25Okay.
00:39:26Luckily, we have a safeguard built in.
00:39:28If you happen to be stuck
00:39:29inside the airlock
00:39:31without your spacesuit,
00:39:32just give the voice command
00:39:33abort airlock procedure.
00:39:35Well, then do it.
00:39:37I am doing it.
00:39:38I was trying to.
00:39:39Abort airlock...
00:39:40You're going to hurry,
00:39:41Airlock!
00:39:41I'm sorry.
00:39:42I didn't quite get that.
00:39:44Evacuating airlock
00:39:45in 20 seconds.
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say the command
00:39:48while people are talking.
00:39:49You all have to be...
00:39:50Okay, Kyle.
00:39:50I'm going to take it from here,
00:39:51okay?
00:39:52Abort airlock...
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:54I'm sorry.
00:39:54I didn't quite get you.
00:39:55Candace, now you did it!
00:39:56I'm sorry.
00:39:57I was telling Kyle
00:39:58to be quiet for you.
00:39:59I wasn't going to say anything.
00:40:00You just did it!
00:40:01Evacuating airlock
00:40:02in 10 seconds.
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:05Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:09Stop!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11Wimmy!
00:40:11Sorry, everyone!
00:40:12Will you both shut the fuck up?
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:18Abort airlock...
00:40:23Oh, my gosh!
00:40:23Oh, my gosh!
00:40:24What the fuck?
00:40:25Oh, my gosh!
00:40:25Oh, my gosh!
00:40:26Oh, my gosh!
00:40:26Oh, my gosh!
00:40:27Did that just happen?
00:40:27Okay, you guys are actually louder than my music.
00:40:31Did you not see that?
00:40:32What are you talking about?
00:40:34Elrond is dead!
00:40:35Who?
00:40:37Elrond!
00:40:38The billionaire guy that brought us here.
00:40:41Elrond, the main guy, Elrond.
00:40:43Oh, right.
00:40:43He died?
00:40:44His head exploded!
00:40:46Fuck off.
00:40:49Holy shit.
00:40:51Oh, that is fucking cool.
00:40:53No, it's not fucking cool!
00:40:54Elrond Branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship!
00:40:58Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty!
00:41:01Fat man, be quiet!
00:41:03Not now!
00:41:04Okay, okay, okay.
00:41:05We just...
00:41:06We need to keep our heads together.
00:41:08Poor choice of words, dude.
00:41:09What?
00:41:10Poor choice of words.
00:41:11What?
00:41:12You said, let's keep our heads together.
00:41:14His head exploded.
00:41:15The things you say are inappropriate, and you don't realize it.
00:41:17Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty!
00:41:18You're dumb.
00:41:19Holy shit!
00:41:20He won't stop singing.
00:41:21Oh, I'm sorry.
00:41:23I'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess.
00:41:25How?
00:41:26Uh, by sending a little S.O.S. to the big man upstairs.
00:41:29But, Wimmy, God's not real!
00:41:34Peggy, isn't it enough that you killed our captain?
00:41:37Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?
00:41:39I didn't kill him!
00:41:40You're the one who said, airlock closed!
00:41:43Airlock closed.
00:41:44Hey, come on, Wimmy.
00:41:46Leave Peggy alone.
00:41:47She can't help it.
00:41:47She's, you know...
00:41:49What are you saying, Kyle?
00:41:50Well, I mean, Peggy is obviously...
00:41:52She's, you know...
00:41:54Peggy, I don't want to offend you, but, I mean, you're obviously...
00:41:58Like, you have a mental thing, right?
00:42:02Are you mentally handicapped?
00:42:04Oh!
00:42:05I'm sorry!
00:42:06No, that came out wrong.
00:42:08Look, it's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other.
00:42:11Now, I'm sure each one of us in this room has made mistakes.
00:42:14And right now, the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here so that we can all
00:42:21work together moving forward.
00:42:23So we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:27Todd, what is with the attitude?
00:42:29I don't have an attitude.
00:42:30Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man.
00:42:31I know you're not my dad.
00:42:33My dad is awesome.
00:42:35Is L. Ron okay?
00:42:43Okay, we have to get in touch with Mission Control.
00:42:45Tell them what happened and get them to pick us up and take us home.
00:42:48I know!
00:42:49Hit this one!
00:42:50Peggy, don't touch.
00:42:52This is dangerous.
00:42:53Okay, from now on, no one touches anything.
00:42:57Todd!
00:42:58Telecom.
00:42:59It's short for telecommunications.
00:43:02Mission Control.
00:43:03Can you hear us?
00:43:04There they are!
00:43:06Bastards!
00:43:07You bastard!
00:43:09Come to kill us now, too?
00:43:12Guys, guys, we are so sorry about L. Ron.
00:43:16It was an accident.
00:43:17We saw everything.
00:43:19There's cameras.
00:43:20Uh, what do we do?
00:43:23How do we get back home?
00:43:23What happens?
00:43:24Okay.
00:43:26Well, we should be able to just have the ship automatically bring you home.
00:43:30Just don't touch that big red button.
00:43:33Um, Peggy already did.
00:43:37What?
00:43:38You didn't hear a grinding sound, did you?
00:43:40Yeah.
00:43:41Well, great.
00:43:42That just disengaged all the return boosters.
00:43:45Oh, thank you, Peggy.
00:43:46Did I fix it?
00:43:47Well, now what?
00:43:48Are we screwed?
00:43:49Is there another way to get back?
00:43:51Of course there is.
00:43:52In the sciences, we always prepare for a plan B.
00:43:56Oh, thank God.
00:43:58Yeah.
00:43:58If we start constructing another ship now, we can get to you guys in about five years.
00:44:04Five years?
00:44:05Did you say five years?
00:44:07We're all going to be stuck up here for five years?
00:44:09Five.
00:44:09Five whole years.
00:44:10Well, maybe you should have thought about that.
00:44:12Before you killed L. Ron Branson, he was a candle in the wind.
00:44:16And a rocket man.
00:44:19That dude?
00:44:20What a nerd.
00:44:22Nerd?
00:44:23Nerd?
00:44:24You know what?
00:44:24That's the problem with cools.
00:44:27You guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody.
00:44:30Well, if you wanted a world without nerds, then Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday.
00:44:37You're on one.
00:44:38Nerds out.
00:44:39No, no, no, no.
00:44:40Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:42No.
00:44:43No.
00:44:53I cannot get enough of things like that.
00:44:55Look at that.
00:44:55Now, let's see if we can go frame by frame.
00:44:57Toby, can we go frame by frame here?
00:44:59Someone get Toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame.
00:45:01Okay, here we go.
00:45:02Now, he's like, oh, oh, I'm in trouble.
00:45:05I'm in trouble.
00:45:05Oh, boom.
00:45:07Rewind.
00:45:08See?
00:45:08See?
00:45:08He's still alive there.
00:45:09Still alive there.
00:45:10There.
00:45:11Still alive.
00:45:11And he's feeling it right there.
00:45:14And that's where I think he died.
00:45:15What about you?
00:45:16I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff.
00:45:18Oh, not me.
00:45:19I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home.
00:45:22It's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it.
00:45:25Getting back to the crisis at hand, millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning
00:45:29the loss of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson and watching the developments with
00:45:34bated breath.
00:45:35So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor
00:45:40the events in the space station around the clock.
00:45:42And with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person who knew how to operate
00:45:47the ship, how do you think the crew's holding up?
00:45:49I tell you, it must be incredibly, incredibly tense up there.
00:45:53Let's take a look at the feed.
00:45:55Where should we start?
00:45:56Hey, why not the women's bathroom?
00:45:58I like the way you think.
00:45:59Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up.
00:46:02But you're going to remind him.
00:46:05You're the hottest bitch on this planet.
00:46:09Pizza.
00:46:11Roast beef.
00:46:14Chocolate.
00:46:16Frosted Lucky Charms.
00:46:18Reese's Buffs.
00:46:19Cocoa Buffs.
00:46:26Hi.
00:46:28So, Todd, huh?
00:46:31That's an interesting name.
00:46:33I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy.
00:46:34What?
00:46:35You just told your boyfriend you're on a break.
00:46:37You're hurt.
00:46:38You're angry.
00:46:39You want to fuck somebody.
00:46:40You're being crazy.
00:46:41Oh, my God.
00:46:42I wouldn't even think.
00:46:44Okay, sweet.
00:46:45That is not why I came over here.
00:46:48Oh, okay.
00:46:49My mistake.
00:46:50And for your information, crazy girls are the best in bed.
00:46:54That's not true.
00:46:55That's just something crazy girls say.
00:46:57Oh!
00:47:03Hey, Peggy.
00:47:05They never said there was a limit on how much food we could make.
00:47:08God, it stinks in here.
00:47:10Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say,
00:47:12you were looking pretty hot tonight.
00:47:15Shut up!
00:47:17Literally nobody has ever said that to me.
00:47:21Literally!
00:47:22That's a shame.
00:47:23Because I think you're fucking sexy.
00:47:26Candace, you are blowing my mind right now.
00:47:29What do you say we lock this door,
00:47:32put on some music,
00:47:34grab a bottle of Everclear, and...
00:47:37Candace, I'm going to stop you right there.
00:47:39I don't stick my fingers in crazy.
00:47:41What?
00:47:42It's my one rule.
00:47:43Don't get me wrong, Candace.
00:47:45You're a very attractive woman.
00:47:47And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered.
00:47:49But I know where this road leads.
00:47:51And it's not a place where either of us would feel good...
00:47:55What the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship?
00:48:20And it's not a place where I said I don't want to.
00:48:25And it's not a place where I thought I was and say I don't want to help.
00:48:27have a little drink let me stop you right there i do not imbibe but i am happy to provide
00:48:33some
00:48:33non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with alcohol
00:48:37you're funny listen women you're a man with needs i'm a woman with needs what do you say
00:48:46we help each other out what no no no no no no no no i am taken here's the tillium's
00:48:51clan right here
00:48:53ah what
00:49:02candace we just adulteried i adulteried i just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:11i'm sorry i just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and kyle has me
00:49:17feel like i'm losing my mind i'm not usually like this i swear okay well the lord has everything
00:49:26happen for a reason so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay john 3 16 says
00:49:34for god so
00:49:35loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son yeah but wimmy we're not on earth well it says
00:49:42earth
00:49:42but it means the whole solar system well why would he say earth if he meant solar system
00:49:49candace well way back when this was written god probably had no idea that in the future man would
00:49:54make it to other planets well i i mean he knew he just he had to know he just probably
00:50:00didn't i mean
00:50:02hold on hey hey i mean i get it guys in high school i wasn't the most popular guy either
00:50:08i i didn't even
00:50:09kiss a girl until i was 18 18 18. that's not nerdy that's cool i didn't mean 18 it wasn't
00:50:1918. i don't
00:50:20i don't know why i said that it was way later it was like like 20. 29 29. i was
00:50:2529. oh okay
00:50:29that's pretty lame i guess i mean i kissed a girl when i was 28. i didn't but i could
00:50:35have
00:50:35wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you you kissed a girl at 28 are you sure i'm
00:50:40not talking
00:50:41to a couple of cools right now yeah right get out of here you don't really think that oh i
00:50:49don't know
00:50:49i'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now shut up you know what would be
00:50:54really cool though if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:51:01well i guess us cools have to stick together that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy
00:51:09but i think if we all keep our cool we'll be able to walk you through it first thing you're
00:51:16gonna need
00:51:17to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank kyle i'm so sorry can we talk just just just a
00:51:24minute
00:51:24candace the mission control guys are helping us get home all right now to do this you'll need to
00:51:29divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank okay resting
00:51:34generators got it i cheated on you with wimmy with wimmy what why weird okay okay all right look
00:51:43candace that is really shitty and we will have to talk about that but i i gotta do this right
00:51:49now
00:51:49this is what i'm talking about i travel all the way through space to get to mars to talk to
00:51:55you
00:51:55and all you do is ignore me guys is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal or is
00:52:01this
00:52:01somewhere in the ship here that is outside of the ship right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:08the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on
00:52:12the ship right
00:52:12two years of my life kyle my two best years wasted with you
00:52:19oh my god
00:52:20oh my god i could have married brian the ladies
00:52:45the meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:49the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord
00:52:54the earth is the lord to the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she she broke the thing we're gonna die do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12todd i i don't know how to fix the container and i saw her do it she threw the the
00:53:18thing and then it
00:53:18made the the thing punch right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking
00:53:23about we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because i saw the air our air is
00:53:29sucked
00:53:29out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this no no do not judge me until i
00:53:38have
00:53:39finished my sentence because then you will see that she has murdered you and she has murdered you and she
00:53:48has murdered me and she has also committed suicide and killed wimmy where where's wimmy
00:53:57there is no god here we abandoned him when we left the earth he has no jurisdiction up here the
00:54:03red
00:54:03planet is the planet of the devil okay first of all i'm gonna apologize to the room uh i lost
00:54:12my cool
00:54:12there i said some things that didn't need to be said and it's important for a leader to be calm
00:54:17and
00:54:18collected what what dude you are amazing hey can you say that part about you being the leader again
00:54:24kyle do you want to play future tennis with me kyle hates future tennis he thinks it's a game that
00:54:30makes the person you claim to have love for two years come and see you after you tried to run
00:54:34away
00:54:34from them okay candace can we can we try and stay focused please life-threatening situation here ring a
00:54:39bell you threw a fit now we're fucked we're fucked yes we're fucked we're not fucked we still have a
00:54:44perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home no the nerd said that there's
00:54:49all this complicated stuff we have to do let me guess what they said we have to refuel fill up
00:54:54the
00:54:54gas tank they yeah well they said fuel reserve uh-huh i'm guessing their plan involves something like
00:55:00diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's reserve probably some sort of exterior
00:55:04switch and a transfer hose we need to connect wait a minute okay i don't want to offend you right
00:55:10now but
00:55:11are you smart uh i don't want to offend you but are you smart todd can i get a sidebar
00:55:18really quick
00:55:21candace and wimmy are very crazy and peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird way
00:55:27not to be crazy do you think that you can help me fix this ship uh i think you'll be
00:55:31more like you
00:55:32helping me fix the ship and also i don't need that i find that to be very encouraging
00:55:41hey there lust muffin what the fuck did you just say guess what what turns out you were right about
00:55:48satan ruling mars i didn't say anything i should have seen it earlier it was right in front of my
00:55:54damn face part of my french i swear now what are you talking about i was just in my room
00:56:00indulging my own
00:56:01flesh treating my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts outside of
00:56:09marriage and i don't give a shh damn and guess what i loved it now i get what all the
00:56:16fuss is about
00:56:17why are you telling me all this i'm here to take you up on your offer i want to do
00:56:22every damn thing
00:56:26ah fuck it these suits are pretty cool
00:56:34we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40i mean it is to me a little bit i mean that's a big that's a big deal oh todd
00:56:47be careful
00:56:48oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58i don't know anything mechanical i was an indoor kid i can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:22i can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken
00:57:30wimmy you have to be hard i'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:36oh candace you need to relax more so i can stuff it in there i just got it in i'm
00:57:42in
00:57:43we are having sodomy wow you're not in no you're right it's out again damn i i gotta say todd
00:57:52i am
00:57:53pretty impressed oh great i impressed kyle that means a lot when i get home everyone will be like
00:57:58hey todd how was mars i'll be like it was okay but the real cool thing is while i was
00:58:02up there i
00:58:03impressed some idiot dude what is the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue
00:58:10with me seriously seriously yeah i don't like the way you treat women i'm sorry excuse me the way i
00:58:18treat women did i bash her face in with the lamp did i throw a monitor in her head it
00:58:23just didn't
00:58:24really sit well with me the way you were throwing around the b-word back there she is so mean
00:58:29to me
00:58:29she's been treating me like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined
00:58:34my life she ruins your life she came all the way up to mars for you she is crazy yeah
00:58:39because you've
00:58:39made her crazy look you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just
00:58:43been stringing her along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with
00:58:50her let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me i'm
00:58:56gonna go
00:58:56fix the ship
00:59:03wimmy tilliums is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08i can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:21hey there handsome devil
00:59:30when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends
00:59:36there's always one thing that you can count on i'm talking about friends
00:59:43you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
00:59:49friends are always there for you when no one else is around
00:59:56friends that's what i'm talking about
00:59:59friends you'd be a mess without
01:00:08friends
01:00:15they're the gang that you want to be with whenever you are able
01:00:21friends
01:00:32do you remember the slew of a-list celebs that were constantly dropping by
01:00:45and last but not least
01:00:49we had
01:01:02i'm
01:01:03from cool world to fight club he's never let us down
01:01:09last night i dreamt that they remained hot it was brad pit town
01:01:15oh
01:01:17i just don't understand what you want from me
01:01:22stop trying to make me the bad guy here stop acting like one
01:01:25uh okay so sorry about that uh you missed a couple things basically what happened was while
01:01:32todd finished fixing the ship kyle tried to explain to candace all that that stuff that
01:01:37todd was telling him about how he wasn't being fair to her but he he still didn't really have the
01:01:41balls to tell her how he honestly felt so she's still confused and unhappy so she got all pissed and
01:01:48then he got all defensive and it was a pretty good scene anyway sorry sorry again watch friends
01:01:54i'm tired of all these mind games kyle either love me or let me go
01:02:01look i i really do care about you but but i
01:02:06by my calculations we got 10 minutes of air left so let's do this thing
01:02:12had to do some jerry rigging on the ignition system but this cord should pull enough juice from
01:02:16the main comm board for us to blast off holy dude i am so glad you're smart all right that's
01:02:23it
01:02:24murder sucks fuck it let's go home and if the fat nerdy bible guy wants to come with us you
01:02:30better
01:02:31hurry his ass up wherever he is
01:02:35what the fuck
01:02:38what the fuck that was a big sin and women likey women likey a lot
01:02:47oh my god there is no god up here kyle i have abandoned the way of the lamb i now
01:02:52worship the goat
01:02:55the dark one the dark one demands more sacrifices more blood for satan guys get in the ship say
01:03:01what god let's go
01:03:04candace get in the ship we got to get out of here
01:03:07metal music nudity democrats look look mommy across jesus remember how much you like your buddy jesus
01:03:35and i'm assuming women won't survive when we leave well that's well i mean
01:03:40fuck him right come on let's just get out of here suck my dick mars ignition in ten nine eight
01:03:49oh god where are these better what what's happening where are we going where's two where's one face me
01:04:00face your fears oh this fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:06fuck what goodbye candace no you are not doing this again
01:04:12candace i am not running away from you i i just i don't love you
01:04:18and maybe i just realized that myself but i also know that you you deserve someone that does
01:04:31you
01:04:32oh a challenger wimmy get away from the court in this quarter fighting for the side of satan
01:04:40wimmy tell you jesus christ and fighting for the side of his precious jesus christ
01:04:48kyle wimmy i'm just gonna step over there and i'm gonna pick up the court mortal combat
01:04:57that's what i'm gonna do
01:05:04fitting isn't it that it would end up the two of us locked in bad
01:05:09kyle wimmy
01:05:10ow again
01:05:13unpullied
01:05:14oh
01:05:18kyle
01:05:19he fucking bit me
01:05:24i'm sorry
01:05:25ah
01:05:27ah
01:05:29ah
01:05:29ah
01:05:31ah
01:05:40ah
01:05:42ah
01:05:43ah
01:05:43ah
01:05:43ah
01:05:44ah
01:05:45ah
01:05:45ah
01:05:55ah
01:05:56ah
01:05:56ah
01:05:57ah
01:05:57ah
01:06:13ah
01:06:15ah
01:06:16i know that i know that man i'm on my way there right now
01:06:19twinks to the car
01:06:22okay twinks listen the fuck up
01:06:25pal needs us
01:06:26we're gonna do this the right way when we hit the church i want two twinks stationed at the rear
01:06:30i want two twinks stationed on the roof and i want three twinks on me at all times
01:06:35if this thing goes how i think it's gonna go we're gonna need to dig a hole
01:06:38twinks
01:06:41twinks
01:06:41this is bad guys this is really really bad
01:06:48ah
01:06:48ah
01:06:49ah
01:06:49we need to lay low until first light then torch the car
01:06:52we'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body
01:06:56oh i feel good twinks i feel really really good the world is ours
01:07:01one more in fact
01:07:03turn that up
01:07:04we couldn't believe it ourselves
01:07:05just this afternoon a young candace simpson
01:07:08has left our planet to join her fiancee kyle capshaw on mars
01:07:11l ron branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod releasing a statement
01:07:16saying nothing is more important than true love
01:07:19what in the fuck
01:07:22why do they send candace up what's their angle i'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second but
01:07:28who benefits
01:07:29sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float
01:07:32we need to follow the money
01:07:48it's just a bunch of contracts with product placement and deposits from investors
01:07:52that doesn't explain why they'd send candace up
01:07:54hitting a brick wall here
01:07:55think cooter think
01:07:57i need more meth
01:08:01of course
01:08:03l ron branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station
01:08:09that's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news
01:08:13my mind is a fucking razor plate
01:08:15i can see in between time
01:08:17only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement the others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge
01:08:24but who what do these products have in common they range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services
01:08:32i got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink
01:08:39who do you work for
01:08:43who do you work for
01:09:09what the hell is going on
01:09:11daddy help us
01:09:13no
01:09:14no no
01:09:15don't worry kyle
01:09:16i'll kill as many people as i have to to get you back on earth
01:09:20you recognize this piece of shit
01:09:23i'm sorry mr kepler they cut my fucking toe off
01:09:27oh that's right
01:09:29you fucked with the wrong people this time
01:09:31i don't know what's going on
01:09:33please
01:09:35the ants are gonna come in the morning
01:09:37bitch
01:09:38chomp chomp
01:09:39chomp chomp
01:09:40i told you all i know
01:09:41our parent company is technological human electronic household optimal luxury organic cyber anthropomorphic utility systems treatment worldwide analytic software
01:09:50the holocaust was greatly exaggerated
01:09:53they bankrolled the whole fucking thing
01:09:55branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself
01:09:57so he links up with this company and promises them the best advertising opportunity money can buy
01:10:01now he just needs people to tune in
01:10:03candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like
01:10:05shit this will be some drama
01:10:06let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks
01:10:08but now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the van allen belt
01:10:15yes i i've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years please don't kill me oh god don't kill me
01:10:21listen to this
01:10:23millionaire philanthropist l ron branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the mars enterprise space station
01:10:30bull fucking shit he was
01:10:31there's your 24 7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial you sick fucks
01:10:35my skin is on fucking fire right now
01:10:42there's their headquarters
01:10:43and i'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home appliances in there
01:10:49ah ha skinheads
01:10:51i knew it all this time i thought the holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name
01:10:57now i see it's something darker
01:10:58it's a fucking front for a white power group
01:11:01of course
01:11:05my mind is moving in hyperspace man
01:11:07they fucking paper ants in to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet
01:11:12they think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia then with all the profits from
01:11:16their product placements
01:11:17they'll send up more and more people
01:11:19i so horny
01:11:20me
01:11:21me too sleepy me too
01:11:22but we have some nazis to kill
01:11:31here we go twigs
01:11:33the entire energy of the universe is within us
01:11:39what in the fuck
01:11:49twigs
01:11:50that's the fucking spaceship
01:11:51they never went to fucking mars
01:11:53branson and the fucking nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there
01:11:56the whole thing was a giant scam
01:11:59branson steals billions from investors
01:12:01then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash
01:12:04then these skinhead pieces of shit
01:12:06use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia propaganda
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders
01:12:14it's almost too simple
01:12:18huh
01:12:23the station is wrecked
01:12:25how am i breathing
01:12:29god
01:12:30oh no
01:12:32what have i done
01:12:34forgive me lord
01:12:43jesus
01:12:44cooter
01:12:45kyle
01:12:46what's up man
01:12:47what the fuck
01:12:48what is happening
01:12:49how are you on mars
01:12:50you never went to mars
01:12:51you're in a warehouse 30 miles south of carlin nevada
01:12:54the fucking nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial
01:12:58what are you talking about
01:13:00i had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out
01:13:02but it's all right now
01:13:04mr. connor
01:13:05skinhead
01:13:12someone tell me what is happening
01:13:13shit starting to get fun
01:13:15twinks
01:13:16ride them up
01:13:24ha ha
01:13:26Ha-ha!
01:13:36Bashball! I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Clipper!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:58Oh, fuck it!
01:14:01Oh, fuck it!
01:14:02Oh, fuck it!
01:14:03Oh, fuck it!
01:14:10367 people were killed today
01:14:12in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada,
01:14:14a horrific scene that led authorities
01:14:16to discover Sir Elrond Branson's
01:14:19entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:23Details are still unfolding,
01:14:24but from what we can tell,
01:14:25the now-disgraced billionaire
01:14:27had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist
01:14:31home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money
01:14:36and sell products
01:14:37with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson
01:14:42being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts
01:14:46are finally being reconnected
01:14:48with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey, guys.
01:14:52Had sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:56And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon,
01:15:03who's gonna be playing Guess Who
01:15:04with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey, how'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what-what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened
01:15:20when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess...
01:15:33this is...
01:15:35it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:39So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that,
01:15:53he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:55in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace, um...
01:16:16I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday,
01:16:22I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true?
01:16:37It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:43I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well...
01:16:53I have this fiancé who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses
01:17:05until they just sort of, like, jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean? How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us our funding
01:17:18back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:38Uh...
01:17:39That's cool, but...
01:17:41What about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah.
01:17:46The thing is, uh...
01:17:49Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Cause she's...
01:17:56I mean, she's like...
01:17:58Look, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:02Ooh.
01:18:02The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean, everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here. Trapped down here.
01:18:31We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:19:01Well, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:26I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:19:48She's the one.
01:19:50You.
01:20:06We're out.
01:20:17She's the one.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:33Friends, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:39They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friendship never friends.
01:22:52Friends, true story.
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stephanie.
01:23:10My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:21Buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends.
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, King of Celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it
01:23:58and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:00God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt, you would be dead without Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart Brad Pitt.
01:24:14From cool world to fight club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:32Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy, where is the Oscar for Brad Pitt?
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed.
01:24:54Sorry.
01:24:55Sorry.
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