- 24 minutes ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:32Okay, artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:34Listen up, my fellow astronauts.
00:26:37Oh!
00:26:38First things first when I call your name come on up get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little about yourself
00:26:44What you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip Todd Sullivan
00:26:52My name's Todd I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves and fuck
00:26:57name tags
00:26:58Oh okay well well we don't have to wear them I guess but I did stay up all night making
00:27:04everyone individual drawings
00:27:08Oh okay well I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games
00:27:13Okay Wimmy did your serve make it over the net
00:27:16Uh yeah
00:27:17Okay Kyle now you take a card did you return his volley
00:27:21It says yeah
00:27:22Oh good okay Wimmy take another card did you return the volley
00:27:27It says I missed
00:27:28Oh match point
00:27:30Kyle you get a reward card
00:27:33Now would you like surprise now or surprise later
00:27:36Uh I will take surprise later
00:27:39You know the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more future-y
00:27:44And Tennessee
00:27:45Did you make this game Elrond?
00:27:47Well if you guys are not feeling it we could play future badminton, future hi-li or future darts
00:27:53Uh you know I'm good I'm gonna go mingle
00:28:01Hey Peggy right yes you know I don't want to be super negative right out the gate but doesn't all
00:28:06of this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be I mean I sacrificed quite a
00:28:12lot to be here
00:28:12Oh what did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well I mean I was actually supposed to get married today
00:28:21Wow
00:28:21Yeah but I mean I mean we all have families and friends back on earth that we just picked up
00:28:26and left for a month
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30I don't know about that
00:28:31Sure they will
00:28:32I just told my friends
00:28:34Gang I'll be back in a month
00:28:36And then I left them 20 bowls of food
00:28:38And I filled the bathtub with milk
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here
00:28:46You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely
00:28:50Peggy it's June
00:28:52That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:57Well I mean that's all you left for your cats to drink
00:29:00Yeah?
00:29:01What do you mean?
00:29:02Well what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three and a half weeks with nothing to
00:29:06drink
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing
00:29:09I don't mean anything
00:29:12Anyway like I said
00:29:13Your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back
00:29:19Okay friends listen up
00:29:20Loser
00:29:22Okay I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that
00:29:27Loser
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis
00:29:32Now this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like a two
00:29:36hour cat nap
00:29:38He said cats
00:29:39Uh is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:42No we will each be taking 500 easy to swallow pills
00:29:45Did you say 500?
00:29:46500?
00:29:53Can we get some more water?
00:29:55Uh no
00:29:58Oh god
00:30:12I slept on my arm weird
00:30:14God does the aerobed half deflated
00:30:17Ah my neck
00:30:19Elrond
00:30:20I'm having a little trouble moving my neck
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:25Well after you guys took all those Ambien
00:30:26Stop
00:30:27What?
00:30:28Ambien?
00:30:28We took we took 500 Ambien
00:30:31Pretty cool
00:30:32Right Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how little Pete died?
00:30:36Oh
00:30:37Oh wait
00:30:38Oh okay
00:30:39You're just all gonna take them off?
00:30:40Okay
00:30:40Oh hey
00:30:41Did you guys
00:30:42Did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says
00:30:45Welcome to Mars
00:30:46A place for friends
00:30:48Oh that's yeah
00:30:49That's cool man
00:30:50As you can see I drew each one of us
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here
00:30:54Todd what do you think?
00:30:56Uh it sucks
00:30:57It's stupid
00:30:57You're stupid
00:30:58You suck
00:31:01Come on Todd
00:31:03Oh here we go
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen
00:31:06In a few moments
00:31:07The airlock door will open
00:31:09And in front of the watching world
00:31:11We will become the first people
00:31:13To step from this ship
00:31:14And see Mars with our own eyes
00:31:25This is incredible
00:31:34Gather around
00:31:35Gather around
00:31:36Just want to lay down some ground rules
00:31:38For my fellow Martians
00:31:42Thank you Jesus
00:31:43The first and most important rule is
00:31:45Have fun
00:31:46Have fun up here guys
00:31:48This is your vacation
00:31:50Mars is for fun
00:31:51The second rule is
00:31:53Do not touch the airlock
00:31:54Because it will kill you
00:31:55Now down that corridor
00:31:56Are the sleeping pods
00:31:57Go claim a room
00:31:58And be back here
00:31:59For our first Martian lunch
00:32:00At fourteen hundred
00:32:04Well hello Kyle
00:32:05Oh hey Wimmy
00:32:06I see that you were
00:32:08Praying again
00:32:09A lot of
00:32:10A lot of prayer with you
00:32:11Alright
00:32:11So uh
00:32:12So what's your story?
00:32:14Well
00:32:14I'm a faithful husband
00:32:15With a wife
00:32:16Who is quite a beauty
00:32:17On the inside
00:32:17A proud father
00:32:18Father to five angelic children
00:32:20I have type two diabetes
00:32:21And I don't believe in dinosaurs
00:32:22What about you?
00:32:24Uh
00:32:24I'm a dentist
00:32:25Which is cool
00:32:27Actually
00:32:28No
00:32:28It's not
00:32:29Little kids hate me
00:32:29And I do believe in dinosaurs
00:32:33Well we'll work on that
00:32:34That's why I'm here
00:32:35I'm a missionary of sorts
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:38Into the first completely Christian planet
00:32:41Okay
00:32:41But there aren't any people on Mars
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh no
00:32:49Bon appetit
00:32:50Whoa
00:32:51Elrond
00:32:52Did you make all this yourself?
00:32:55I had a little help from my good friend
00:32:57Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager
00:33:01One more time Elrond
00:33:02I said this meal was actually prepared
00:33:05By one murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager
00:33:10It's an acronym
00:33:11It's technical name is mechanical, ultra-responsive, dietary, electronic, robotic, energized, delivery, meal, interface, dietary, wellness, efficiency, system, tactile, edible,
00:33:20responsorous, nutrition, home, or mobile, omnivorous, sustenance, expeditious, xeno-culinary, user-aligned, lunch-tool-enabled, eating, nourishment, aging, gastronomical, electronic,
00:33:28robot
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit of a mouthful
00:33:32So we call it the Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager for short
00:33:35That's really weird and offensive
00:33:37I think that happened
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind prototype
00:33:40But in a few years, Lord willing
00:33:42Every town from Chicago to New Orleans will have its own Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager
00:33:48Gotta fix that acronym
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words seemed unnecessary
00:33:51You said robotic twice
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it
00:33:54Take it up with the good people that the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated
00:33:57I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company
00:34:00It stands for Technological Human Electronics
00:34:02Okay, okay, so how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like a 3D printer for food
00:34:06You just say whatever you want it to make and it
00:34:09Jaeger
00:34:12Rad
00:34:13You got to hit that shit when the DJ's on
00:34:16Yeah baby, wear my super jama when the food is wrong
00:34:20You got to hit that shit when they play your song
00:34:24You gotcha
00:34:24You gotcha
00:34:26You gotcha
00:34:45Whoa. Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:48Good morning. This is a surprise.
00:34:51Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:52Oh, well, are we sure you didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep. This is my bed.
00:34:58Oh, well, last night was the first in 18 years that I didn't share my bed with my lovely on
00:35:03-the-inside wife.
00:35:04So in my sleep, I must have wandered over here, mistaking your bodily warmth for hers.
00:35:09Okay, well, I'm going to get up.
00:35:1310-4, good buddy.
00:35:22There were good people on both sides of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:28They even put spaces in the- Fuck this company.
00:35:32Last night was fun!
00:35:35You know what, Peggy? Last night was fun.
00:35:37Ha-ha. I think this is a really great group we got here.
00:35:40And it's cool that we're on Mars!
00:35:43And it's cool we're on Mars!
00:35:45You're right, Peggy. Ha! Fuckin' Mars.
00:35:48All right.
00:35:52Oh, boy. You know what that alarm means.
00:35:54It's time for Kyle's surprise!
00:35:57Oh, okay. What's going on? What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise. Surprise later? From Future Tennis?
00:36:03Oh, right. Hey, wow. Look at me. Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:08Now, I know the Martian landscape can feel pretty foreign, but you've won something that's going to make this place
00:36:14feel a lot more like home.
00:36:16Ha-ha-ha-ha. All right. Okay. Lay it on me. Fun!
00:36:19Okay, Kyle. Say hello to your very own...
00:36:25Talk to me, baby. What do we got?
00:36:29Fiance!
00:36:31What the fuck? What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait. How is... How... How... How is she here now?
00:36:37When you won Future Tennis, I asked if you wanted surprise now or surprise later. You said surprise later.
00:36:43She shouldn't be here. This is bad. Can we pause? Can we... Can we pause for a second? Can we
00:36:47make the door go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle. We have to get her out of there. That's a decompression chamber. They're very dangerous.
00:36:54Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Fuck me. Fuck me. Oh, fuck. Ha-ha-ha. Hi, Pumpkin!
00:37:00Hi, Kyle.
00:37:04Hi. I'm Candace. Kyle's fiancee.
00:37:06That's funny. Kyle never talked about you at all. Yeah, I did. Yes, I know. I'm sure that I did.
00:37:11So this is... This is crazy. This is all so surprising. How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose surprise later, I knew we had to think of something really good for you.
00:37:20And as luck would have it, right then, Candace showed up at the launch pad and was going on and
00:37:25on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you.
00:37:28Yeah. When I found out, I said, what the heck? Send her up in a supply pod. Nothing is more
00:37:33important than true love.
00:37:34That's so cool. What would have happened if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won $400,000.
00:37:41Oh, $400,000. Yeah.
00:37:46Uh, Candace, could we just have a little sidebar to kind of clear the air? Because, you know, I'm sensing
00:37:52a little hostility between us.
00:37:54I'm not hostile, Kyle. Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no. I just, I feel like you're in... I mean, I don't want to tell you how you
00:38:02feel, but I imagine that you would have the right to be frustrated with me.
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
00:38:12Yeah, but, um, you seem mad.
00:38:16I'm not mad. Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no. I'm not mad at all.
00:38:20Okay, then we're not mad. Let's just drop it.
00:38:23Okay, yeah, yeah, fine. I mean, it just, it seems kind of weird.
00:38:28You motherfucker!
00:38:29Help! She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:34Okay, everyone. Seems like the perfect time for a little safety meeting.
00:38:39We've had some rather unsafe behavior recently. I'm not going to name names.
00:38:44But I just want to really quickly go over some of the basics.
00:38:48First things first. This is the airlock.
00:38:51Earlier today, Kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock.
00:38:55Now, this is unsafe for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:57If you're in this thing without a space suit when the exterior door opens, the changing pressures could be fatal.
00:39:03Now, if you do have your space suit on and you're going to take a walk on the Martian surface,
00:39:08you would stand on this circle and give the voice command airlock C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:14Oh! Airlock closed!
00:39:18Thank you, Peggy. Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:22Exterior door opening in 30 seconds.
00:39:25Okay. Luckily, we have a safeguard built in. If you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your space
00:39:32suit,
00:39:32just give the voice command abort airlock procedure.
00:39:35Well, then do it!
00:39:37I am doing it. I was trying to.
00:39:39Abort airlock-
00:39:40You gotta hurry, Airlock!
00:39:41I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that. Evacuating airlock in 20 seconds.
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say the command while people are talking. You all have to be-
00:39:50Okay, Kyle. I'm going to take it from here, okay?
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:54I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.
00:39:55Candace, now you did it!
00:39:56I'm sorry. I was telling Kyle to be quiet for you.
00:39:59I wasn't going to say anything.
00:40:00You just did it right there!
00:40:01Evacuate airlock in 10 seconds.
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:04Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Shut up!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11I'm sorry, Elrond!
00:40:12Will you both shut the fuck up?
00:40:14Everyone, shut up!
00:40:14Shut!
00:40:15Up!
00:40:18Abort airlock-
00:40:22Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what the fuck?
00:40:25Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my
00:40:27gosh, oh my gosh,
00:40:27Did that just happen?
00:40:28You guys are actually louder than my music.
00:40:31Did you not see that?
00:40:33What are you talking about?
00:40:34Elrond is dead!
00:40:36Who?
00:40:37Elrond!
00:40:38The billionaire guy that brought us here.
00:40:41Elrond, the main guy, Elrond.
00:40:43Oh, right. He died?
00:40:44His head exploded.
00:40:45Fuck off.
00:40:49Holy shit.
00:40:51Oh, that is fucking cool.
00:40:53No, it's not fucking cool.
00:40:55Elrond Branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship.
00:40:58Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty.
00:41:01Fat man, be quiet, not now.
00:41:04Okay, okay, okay.
00:41:05We just, we need to keep our heads together.
00:41:08Poor choice of words, dude.
00:41:09What?
00:41:10Poor choice of words.
00:41:11What?
00:41:12You said let's keep our heads together.
00:41:14His head exploded.
00:41:15The things you say are inappropriate and you don't realize it.
00:41:18You're dumb.
00:41:19Holy shit. He won't stop singing.
00:41:22Oh, I'm sorry.
00:41:23I'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess.
00:41:25How?
00:41:26Uh, by sending a little S.O.S. to the big man upstairs.
00:41:29But, Wimmy, God's not real.
00:41:31Oh, Peggy, isn't it enough that you killed our captain?
00:41:37Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?
00:41:39I didn't kill him.
00:41:40You're the one who said airlock closed.
00:41:43Airlock closed.
00:41:44Hey, come on, Wimmy.
00:41:45Leave Peggy alone.
00:41:47She can't help it.
00:41:47She's, you know.
00:41:49What are you saying, Kyle?
00:41:50I mean, Peggy is obviously, she's, you know.
00:41:54Well, Peggy, I don't want to offend you, but, I mean, you're, you're obviously, like, you
00:41:59have a mental thing, right?
00:42:02Are you mentally handicapped?
00:42:04Oh.
00:42:05I'm sorry.
00:42:06No, that, that came out wrong.
00:42:08Look, it's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other.
00:42:11Now, I'm sure each one of us in this room has made mistakes.
00:42:14And right now, the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here so that
00:42:21we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:23So we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:27Todd, what is with the attitude?
00:42:29I don't have an attitude.
00:42:30Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man.
00:42:31I know you're not my dad.
00:42:33My dad is awesome.
00:42:35Is Alrod okay?
00:42:43Okay, we have to get in touch with Mission Control, tell them what happened, and get them
00:42:47to pick us up and take us home.
00:42:48I know!
00:42:49Hit this one!
00:42:50Peggy, don't touch.
00:42:52This is dangerous.
00:42:53Okay, from now on, no one touches anything.
00:42:57Todd!
00:42:58Telecom.
00:42:59It's short for telecommunications.
00:43:02Mission Control, can you hear us?
00:43:04There they are!
00:43:06You bastards!
00:43:07You bastards!
00:43:09Come to kill us now, too?
00:43:12Guys, guys, we are so sorry about Elrond.
00:43:16It was an accident.
00:43:17We saw everything!
00:43:19There's cameras!
00:43:20Uh, what do we do?
00:43:23How do we get back home?
00:43:23What happens?
00:43:24Okay.
00:43:26Well, we should be able to just have the ship automatically bring you home.
00:43:30Just don't touch that big red button.
00:43:33Um, Peggy already did.
00:43:37What?
00:43:38You didn't hear a grinding sound, did you?
00:43:40Yeah.
00:43:41Well, great.
00:43:42That just disengaged all the return boosters.
00:43:44Oh, thank you, Peggy.
00:43:46Did I fix it?
00:43:47Well, now what?
00:43:48Are we screwed?
00:43:49Is there another way to get back?
00:43:51Of course there is.
00:43:52In the sciences, we always prepare for a plan B.
00:43:56Oh, thank God.
00:43:58Yeah.
00:43:58If we start constructing another ship now, we can get to you guys in about five years.
00:44:04Five years?
00:44:05Did you say five years?
00:44:06We're all gonna be stuck up here for five years?
00:44:09Five.
00:44:09Five whole years.
00:44:10Well, maybe you should have thought about that.
00:44:12Before you killed Elrond Branson, he was a candle in the wind.
00:44:16And a rocket man.
00:44:19That dude was a nerd.
00:44:22Nerd?
00:44:23Nerd?
00:44:23You know what?
00:44:24That's the problem with cools.
00:44:27You guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody.
00:44:30Well, if you wanted a world without nerds, then Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday.
00:44:37You're on one.
00:44:38Nerds out.
00:44:39No, no, no.
00:44:40Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:42No.
00:44:43No.
00:44:53I cannot get enough of things like that.
00:44:55Look at that.
00:44:55Now, let's see if we can go frame by frame.
00:44:57Toby, can we go frame by frame here?
00:44:59Someone get Toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame.
00:45:01Okay, here we go.
00:45:02Now, he's like, oh, oh, I'm in trouble.
00:45:05I'm in trouble.
00:45:05Oh, boom.
00:45:07Rewind.
00:45:08See?
00:45:08See?
00:45:08He's still alive there.
00:45:09Still alive there.
00:45:10There.
00:45:11Still alive.
00:45:11And he's feeling it right there.
00:45:13And that's where I think he died.
00:45:15What about you?
00:45:16I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff.
00:45:18Oh, not me.
00:45:19I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home.
00:45:22It's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it.
00:45:25Getting back to the crisis at hand, millions and millions of viewers around the globe are
00:45:29mourning the loss of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson and watching the developments
00:45:34with bated breath.
00:45:35So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor
00:45:40the events in the space station around the clock.
00:45:42And with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person who knew how to operate
00:45:47the ship, how do you think the crew's holding up?
00:45:49I tell you, it must be incredibly, incredibly tense up there.
00:45:53Let's take a look at the feed.
00:45:55Where should we start?
00:45:56Hey, why not the women's bathroom?
00:45:58I like the way you think.
00:45:59Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up.
00:46:02But you're going to remind him.
00:46:05You're the hottest bitch on this planet.
00:46:09Pizza.
00:46:11Roast beef.
00:46:14Chocolate.
00:46:16Frosted Lucky Charms.
00:46:18Reese's Buffs.
00:46:18Cocoa Puffs.
00:46:25Hi.
00:46:28So, Todd, huh?
00:46:30That's an interesting name.
00:46:33I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy.
00:46:34What?
00:46:35You just told your boyfriend you're on a break.
00:46:37You're hurt.
00:46:38You're angry.
00:46:38You want to fuck somebody.
00:46:40You're being crazy.
00:46:41Oh, my God.
00:46:42I wouldn't even think.
00:46:44Okay, sweet.
00:46:45That is not why I came over here.
00:46:48Oh, okay.
00:46:49My mistake.
00:46:49And for your information, crazy girls are the best in bed.
00:46:54That's not true.
00:46:55That's just something crazy girls say.
00:46:57Oh!
00:47:03Hey, Peggy.
00:47:05They never said there was a limit on how much food we could make.
00:47:08God, it stinks in here.
00:47:10Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight.
00:47:15Shut up!
00:47:17Literally nobody has ever said that to me.
00:47:21Literally!
00:47:21That's a shame, because I think you're fucking sexy.
00:47:26Candace, you are blowing my mind right now.
00:47:29What do you say we lock this door, put on some music, grab a bottle of Everclear, and...
00:47:37Candace, I'm going to stop you right there.
00:47:39I don't stick my fingers in crazy.
00:47:41What?
00:47:42It's my one rule.
00:47:43Don't get me wrong, Candace.
00:47:45Candace, you're a very attractive woman, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered.
00:47:49But I know where this road leads, and it's not a place where either of us would feel good...
00:47:55What the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship?
00:48:03Hey there.
00:48:06Whimmy, right?
00:48:08Shh.
00:48:13Okay.
00:48:16Hi, Candace.
00:48:18I was just talking to my best friend.
00:48:21Who's your best friend?
00:48:22Ugh.
00:48:23This is so fucking hard.
00:48:25What say you and I have a little drink?
00:48:28Let me stop you right there.
00:48:29I do not imbibe.
00:48:31But I am happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with
00:48:36alcohol.
00:48:37You're funny.
00:48:39Listen, Whimmy, you're a man with needs.
00:48:43I'm a woman with needs.
00:48:45What do you say we help each other out?
00:48:47What?
00:48:47No!
00:48:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:48:49I am taken.
00:48:51Here's the Tillium's clan right here.
00:48:53Ah!
00:48:54What?
00:49:02Candace, we just adulteried!
00:49:04I adulteried!
00:49:05I just betrayed my wife and children!
00:49:11I'm sorry.
00:49:12I just don't know what's going on with me.
00:49:14This whole thing with me and Kyle has me feel like I'm losing my mind.
00:49:20I'm not usually like this, I swear.
00:49:23Okay.
00:49:24Well, the Lord has everything happen for a reason.
00:49:27So, uh, maybe he can use this as a teachable moment.
00:49:31Okay.
00:49:33John 3.16 says,
00:49:34For God so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son.
00:49:37Yeah, but, Whimmy, we're not on earth.
00:49:41Well, it says earth, but it means the whole solar system.
00:49:44Well, why would he say earth if he meant solar system?
00:49:49Candace.
00:49:49Well, way back when this was written, God probably had no idea that in the future man would make it
00:49:54to other planets.
00:49:56Well, I mean, he knew.
00:49:58Well, I mean, he knew.
00:49:58He just, he had to know.
00:49:59He just probably didn't, I mean, hold on.
00:50:31Hey, hey, I mean, I get it, guys.
00:50:32You kissed a girl when I was 28.
00:50:34I didn't, but I could have.
00:50:36Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:50:37You, you kissed a girl at 28?
00:50:40Are you sure I'm not talking to a couple of cools right now?
00:50:44Yeah, right.
00:50:45Get out of here.
00:50:47You don't really think that.
00:50:48Oh, I don't know.
00:50:49I'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now.
00:50:53Shut up.
00:50:54You know what would be really cool, though?
00:50:56If you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home.
00:51:00Well, I guess us cools have to stick together.
00:51:05That's right.
00:51:06Okay.
00:51:07Well, it's not going to be easy, but I think if we all keep our cool, we'll be able to
00:51:14walk you through it.
00:51:15The first thing you're going to need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank.
00:51:20Kyle, I'm so sorry.
00:51:22Can we talk?
00:51:23Just, just, just a minute, Candace.
00:51:25The mission control guys are helping us get home.
00:51:27All right.
00:51:27Now, to do this, you'll need to divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank.
00:51:34Okay.
00:51:34Resting generators.
00:51:35Got it.
00:51:36I cheated on you with Wimmy.
00:51:39With Wimmy?
00:51:40What?
00:51:40Why?
00:51:41Weird.
00:51:41Okay.
00:51:42Okay.
00:51:43All right.
00:51:43Look, Candace, that is really shitty, and we will have to talk about that, but I gotta do this right
00:51:49now.
00:51:49This is what I'm talking about.
00:51:51I travel all the way through space to get to Mars to talk to you, and all you do is
00:51:57ignore me.
00:51:58Guys, is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal, or is this somewhere in the ship here?
00:52:03That is outside of the ship.
00:52:04Right on the underside of the central pond.
00:52:25Right on the underside of the central pond.
00:52:34Hiya!
00:52:36Candace, you broke the earth thing!
00:52:38Well, now we're even, because you broke my earth!
00:52:42No, no, no!
00:52:43You broke the fucking earth thing!
00:52:45The meek shall inherit the earth!
00:52:49The earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord!
00:52:54The earth is the lord to the fullness thereof!
00:52:59The earth!
00:53:04The thing!
00:53:05She fucking broke the thing!
00:53:07We're gonna die!
00:53:08Do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:53:12Todd, I don't know how to fix the container, and I saw her do it.
00:53:17She threw the thing, and then it made the thing punch right through it.
00:53:20We're gonna die!
00:53:21We're all gonna die!
00:53:22What are you talking about?
00:53:23We're gonna die, man!
00:53:25And why do you think we're dying?
00:53:26Because I saw the fucking air!
00:53:28Our air is sucked out into outer space!
00:53:31Okay, and how did that happen?
00:53:32Because this bitch...
00:53:35No, no, do not judge me until I have finished my sentence, because then you will see that
00:53:42she has murdered you, and she has murdered you, and she has murdered me, and she has also
00:53:51committed suicide, and killed Wimmy.
00:53:54Where, where's Wimmy?
00:53:57There is no god here.
00:53:58We abandoned him when we left the earth.
00:54:00He has no jurisdiction up here.
00:54:02The red planet is the planet of the devil.
00:54:07Okay, first of all, I'm gonna apologize to the room.
00:54:10Uh, I lost my cool there.
00:54:13I said some things that didn't need to be said, and it's important for a leader to be
00:54:17calm and collected.
00:54:18What?
00:54:19What?
00:54:20Dude, you are amazing.
00:54:22Hey, can you say that part about you being the leader again?
00:54:25Kyle, do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:54:27Kyle hates future tennis.
00:54:28He thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have loved for two years come
00:54:32and see you after you tried to run away from them.
00:54:34Okay, Candace, can we, can we try and stay focused, please?
00:54:37Life-threatening situation here.
00:54:38Ring a bell, you threw a fit, now we're fucked.
00:54:41We're fucked?
00:54:41Yes, we're fucked!
00:54:42We're not fucked.
00:54:44We still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home.
00:54:48No, the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do.
00:54:51Let, let me guess what they said.
00:54:52We have to refuel?
00:54:54Fill up the gas tank?
00:54:55They, well, they said fuel reserve.
00:54:58Uh-huh.
00:54:58I'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators
00:55:02into the ship's reserve, probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we
00:55:05need to connect.
00:55:06Wait a minute.
00:55:08Okay, I don't want to offend you right now, but are you smart?
00:55:13I don't want to offend you, but are you smart?
00:55:16Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?
00:55:18Look, Candace and Wemmy are very crazy, and Peggy is also very crazy.
00:55:25You, you seem in a weird way not to be crazy.
00:55:28Do you think that you can help me fix this ship?
00:55:30Uh, I think you'll be more like you helping me fix this ship, and also I don't need that.
00:55:35I find that to be very encouraging.
00:55:41Hey there, Lust Muffin.
00:55:43What the fuck did you just say?
00:55:45Guess what?
00:55:46What?
00:55:47Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars.
00:55:50I didn't say anything about-
00:55:51I should have seen it earlier.
00:55:52It was right in front of my damn face.
00:55:56Part of my French, I swear now.
00:55:58What are you talking about?
00:55:59I was just in my room indulging my own flesh, treating my body like a damn playground.
00:56:05What is that?
00:56:06Playing with my private parts, outside of marriage, and I don't give a shh-
00:56:12Damn!
00:56:13And guess what?
00:56:14I loved it.
00:56:15Now I get what all the fuss is about.
00:56:17Why are you telling me all this?
00:56:19I'm here to take you up on your offer.
00:56:21I want to do every damn thing.
00:56:26Ah, fuck it.
00:56:30These suits are pretty cool.
00:56:34We just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on Mars.
00:56:37Isn't that kind of crazy?
00:56:40I mean, it is to me a little bit.
00:56:43I mean, that's a big- that's a big deal.
00:56:46Oh, Todd, be careful!
00:56:48Oh, is that the hose we need?
00:56:50Oh, good!
00:56:54Hey, how do you know how to do all this stuff?
00:56:56You seem really confident.
00:56:58I don't know anything mechanical.
00:57:00I was an indoor kid.
00:57:02I can't even change a flat.
00:57:07Did that fix it?
00:57:08Is it fixed?
00:57:10If you want to talk to me, you have to press this button.
00:57:16Yeah, I- I wasn't talking.
00:57:23I can't.
00:57:24It won't go in.
00:57:25It keeps bending.
00:57:27Maybe your butthole's broken.
00:57:29My butthole's not broken, Wimmy.
00:57:30You have to be hard.
00:57:32I'm pretty hard.
00:57:33It just keeps bending, though.
00:57:37Candace, you need to relax more so I can stuff it in.
00:57:40There!
00:57:40I just got it in!
00:57:42I'm in.
00:57:43We are having sodomy.
00:57:45Wow.
00:57:46You're not in.
00:57:48No, you're right.
00:57:49It's out again.
00:57:50Damn.
00:57:51I- I gotta say, Todd, I am pretty impressed.
00:57:55Oh, great.
00:57:55I impressed Kyle.
00:57:56That means a lot.
00:57:57When I get home, everyone will be like,
00:57:58Hey, Todd, how was Mars?
00:57:59And I'll be like, it was okay.
00:58:00But the real cool thing is while I was up there,
00:58:02I impressed some idiot.
00:58:04Dude, what is the deal?
00:58:06What?
00:58:07What is with the negativity, man?
00:58:08What is your issue with me?
00:58:10Seriously.
00:58:11Seriously?
00:58:12Yeah.
00:58:13I don't like the way you treat women.
00:58:16I'm sorry, excuse me?
00:58:17The way I treat women.
00:58:18Did I bash her face in with the lamp?
00:58:21Did I throw a monitor at her head?
00:58:23It just didn't really sit well with me,
00:58:24the way you were throwing around the B-word back there.
00:58:26What?
00:58:26I mean, she-
00:58:27She is so mean to me.
00:58:30She's been treating me like this for two years,
00:58:31and she's wrecked the spaceship now,
00:58:33and she's ruined my life.
00:58:35She ruins your life?
00:58:36She came all the way up to Mars for you.
00:58:37She is crazy.
00:58:38Yeah, because you've made her crazy.
00:58:41Look, you're obviously not really committed to your relationship,
00:58:43and you've just been stringing her along
00:58:45instead of manning up and doing the right thing.
00:58:47What, marry her?
00:58:48No, break up with her.
00:58:50Let her go find someone
00:58:52who will actually give a shit about her.
00:58:54Now, if you'll excuse me,
00:58:56I'm gonna go fix the shit.
00:59:03Wimmy Tilliams is my name,
00:59:04and sinning is my new game.
00:59:06Committing adultery felt that good.
00:59:08I can't imagine how good it must feel
00:59:10to sin even harder.
00:59:12Ch-ch-ch-ch.
00:59:13Ah, ah, ah.
00:59:14Ch-ch-ch.
00:59:15Ah, ah, ah.
00:59:16Take, take, take, take.
00:59:18Take, take, take.
00:59:19Take, take, take.
00:59:20Hey, there, handsome devil.
00:59:29When the going gets tough
00:59:31and the road is dark
00:59:33and the trouble never ends
00:59:36There's always one thing
00:59:38that you can count on
00:59:39I'm talking about friends
00:59:43You can always count on friends
00:59:45to lift you up
00:59:47when you are down
00:59:48Friends are always there for you
00:59:52When no one else is around
00:59:56Friends!
00:59:57That's what I'm talking about
00:59:59Friends!
01:00:01You'd be a mess without
01:00:02Friends
01:00:14They're the gang that you wanna be with
01:00:18Whenever you are able
01:00:22Friends!
01:00:23You'd be a mess without
01:00:25Friends!
01:00:26Buy it on Amazon
01:00:28Friends
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list
01:00:37Celebs that were constantly dropping by
01:00:39Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni Rabisi
01:00:43Paul Rudd and George Clooney
01:00:46And last but not least
01:00:49We had
01:00:50Brad Pitt
01:00:52Harder than anyone
01:00:53Brad Pitt
01:00:55King Celebrities
01:00:57Yeah
01:01:02From Cool World to Fight Club
01:01:05He's never let us down
01:01:09Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood
01:01:12Brad Pitt Town
01:01:15Oh shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again
01:01:18Fuck
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me
01:01:22Stop trying to make me the bad guy here
01:01:24Stop acting like one
01:01:26Okay, so sorry about that
01:01:28You missed a couple things
01:01:30Basically, what happened was
01:01:32While Todd finished fixing the ship
01:01:34Kyle tried to explain to Candace
01:01:35All that stuff that Todd was telling him
01:01:37About how he wasn't being fair to her
01:01:39But he still didn't really have the balls
01:01:41To tell her how he honestly felt
01:01:43So she's still confused and unhappy
01:01:46So she got all pissed
01:01:47And then he got all defensive
01:01:50And it was a pretty good scene
01:01:51Anyway, sorry again
01:01:52Watch Friends!
01:01:54I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle
01:01:57Either love me
01:01:58Or let me go
01:02:01Look
01:02:01I
01:02:03I really do care about you
01:02:05But
01:02:06But I
01:02:06Well, by my calculations
01:02:07We got ten minutes of air left
01:02:09So let's do this thing
01:02:12Had to do some jerry-rigging
01:02:14On the ignition system
01:02:15But this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16From the main comm board
01:02:17For us to blast off
01:02:18Holy shit, dude
01:02:20I am so glad you're smart
01:02:21All right
01:02:22That's it
01:02:23Mars sucks
01:02:24Fuck it
01:02:25Let's go home
01:02:26And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy
01:02:29Wants to come with us
01:02:30You better hurry his ass up
01:02:32Wherever he is
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin
01:02:42And Whimmy likey
01:02:44Whimmy likey a lot
01:02:46Oh my god
01:02:47There is no god up here, Kyle
01:02:49I have abandoned the way of the lamb
01:02:51I now worship
01:02:53The goat
01:02:55The dark one demands more sacrifices
01:02:58More blood for Satan
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship
01:03:00Satan
01:03:01What?
01:03:01God, let's go
01:03:02Satan
01:03:03Evil
01:03:04Becky
01:03:04Candace, get in the ship
01:03:06We gotta get out of here
01:03:07Metal
01:03:07Music
01:03:08Nudity
01:03:09Democrats
01:03:09Look, look, Whimmy
01:03:11Across
01:03:11Jesus
01:03:12Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:16Huh?
01:03:17Oh
01:03:18Oh
01:03:24We're in
01:03:24We made it
01:03:25We're all here
01:03:25Well, Todd's dead
01:03:27Right, yeah
01:03:28That's, uh
01:03:29Right, yeah
01:03:29That's, that's too bad
01:03:31And Elrond died
01:03:32Shit, right
01:03:33Yeah, he also died
01:03:35And I'm assuming
01:03:36Whimmy won't survive when we leave
01:03:38Well, that's
01:03:38I mean, fuck him, right?
01:03:40Come on
01:03:41Let's just get out of here
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars
01:03:45Ignition in
01:03:4610
01:03:479
01:03:488
01:03:49Oh, good
01:03:49Whimmy's better
01:03:50What?
01:03:515
01:03:524
01:03:533
01:03:55What's happening?
01:03:57Where are we going?
01:03:58Where's two?
01:03:58Where's one?
01:04:00Face me
01:04:00Face your fears
01:04:02Ugh
01:04:03This fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:06Fuck
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace
01:04:09No
01:04:10You are not doing this again
01:04:11Candace, I am not running away from you
01:04:13I, I just
01:04:16I don't love you
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself
01:04:20But I also know that you
01:04:22You deserve someone that does
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger
01:04:33Whimmy, get away from the court
01:04:35In this quarter
01:04:36Fighting for the side of Satan
01:04:40Whimmy, kill ya
01:04:41Jesus Christ
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ
01:04:47Kyle
01:04:48Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there
01:04:51And I'm gonna pick up the court
01:04:52And I'm gonna pick up the court
01:04:52Mortal Kombat
01:04:55Sub-Zero
01:04:57Sub-Zero
01:04:57Sub-Zero
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it?
01:05:06That it would end up the two of us
01:05:08Locked in battle
01:05:09Oh, I'm gonna throw
01:05:10Owww
01:05:12Owww
01:05:12Owww
01:05:13Again
01:05:13Unpullied
01:05:14Owww
01:05:15What?
01:05:17You know
01:05:17Ah!
01:05:18Ah!
01:05:19Ah!
01:05:19Kyle!
01:05:20He-he-he
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:24I'm sorry
01:05:26Ah!
01:05:27Ah!
01:05:28Ah!
01:05:31Ah!
01:05:32Ah!
01:05:33Ah!
01:05:33Ah!
01:05:33Ah!
01:05:34Ah!
01:05:35Ah!
01:05:35Ah!
01:05:37Ah!
01:05:40What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle. What's up? What's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks, to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:41This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good. The world is ours.
01:07:01One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé,
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw, on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why do they send Candace up? What's their angle? I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but
01:07:28who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float. We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up.
01:07:54Hitting a brick wall here. Think, Cooter. Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took $12 billion from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:10That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate. I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement. The others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who? What do these products have in common? They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:32I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:43I told you, Papa Nero's pizza.
01:08:47Wrong answer.
01:08:48Ah! Ah! Ah! Please stop! Please stop! Please!
01:08:53I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man.
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking. Take us up the chain!
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager.
01:09:08Lucy! I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No, no, no.
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle. I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth.
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler. They cut my fucking toe off.
01:09:27Oh, that's right. You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:31I don't know what's going on. Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch.
01:09:38Chomp chomp. Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know.
01:09:42Our parent company is technological, human, electronic, household, optimal, luxury, organic, cyber, anthropomorphic, utility systems, treatment, worldwide, analytics, software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated. They bankrolled the whole fucking thing.
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in.
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like,
01:10:05Shit, this will be some drama. Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks.
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes, I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years. Please don't kill me. Oh, God, don't kill me.
01:10:21Listen to this.
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise space station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was. There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks.
01:10:36Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now.
01:10:42There's their headquarters. And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there.
01:10:49Ah-ha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious
01:10:56name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:04Ugh, my mind is moving in hyperspace, man. They fucking paper ants in to advertise their products and set up
01:11:10an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia. Then with all the profits from
01:11:16their product placements, they'll send up more and more people.
01:11:19I so horny.
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too. But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twix! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twix! That's the fucking spaceship! They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam! Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death
01:12:03and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked. How am I breathing?
01:12:30God?
01:12:31Oh, no. What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus?
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck? What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars! You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada! The fucking Nazis used you
01:12:56for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now!
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:06Boo!
01:13:07Boo!
01:13:10Boo!
01:13:11Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun!
01:13:15Twinks!
01:13:17Ride them up.
01:13:20Oh no!
01:13:22Ah!
01:13:23Ah!
01:13:25Ah!
01:13:28Ah!
01:13:35Bashball! I'm out of ammo! Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Clip!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:59Bashball!
01:14:02Bashball!
01:14:06Bashball!
01:14:09367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada.
01:14:14A horrific scene that led authorities to discover
01:14:17Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:23Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell,
01:14:25the now-disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money
01:14:36and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson
01:14:42being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected
01:14:48with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey, guys.
01:14:52That's sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's gonna be playing
01:15:03Guess Who with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:14Hey, how'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:40So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no. No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:55in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace.
01:16:14Um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true?
01:16:37It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:43I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancé who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses
01:17:05until they just sort of, like, jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean? How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government
01:17:18to give us our funding back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run-among.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:38Uh...
01:17:39That's cool, but...
01:17:41What about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah.
01:17:46The thing is, uh...
01:17:49Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Cause she's...
01:17:56I mean, she's like...
01:17:58I...
01:17:58Look, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:02Ooh.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle,
01:18:04a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:14What doll video?
01:18:17What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean, everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here.
01:18:31Trapped down here.
01:18:31We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:19:01Well, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning, she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:26I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:19:58I am.
01:20:26You're right.
01:20:26We were the stars at night
01:20:31Brighter than the stars, all right
01:20:35In their cars, they were out all night
01:20:41They were friends of me
01:20:47Acting crazy and I don't know why
01:20:52The whitest kids of all time
01:20:57The whitest kids of all time
01:21:09Twice as strong as the river
01:21:16Electricity
01:21:20Twice as wide and twice as high
01:21:25As the sky and the sea
01:21:31They came on the deep stream
01:21:36The whitest kids you'll never see
01:21:41The whitest kids you'll never see
01:21:59I am the hiccup jungle
01:22:01When the going gets tough and the road is dark
01:22:04And the trouble never ends
01:22:07There's always one thing that you can count on
01:22:10I'm talking about friends
01:22:13You can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around
01:22:26Friends! That's what I talk about! Friends! You'd be a mess without friends!
01:22:33Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel
01:22:38They're the gang you wanna be with whenever you are able
01:22:45Friends! I'm singing about friends! Friendship never friends!
01:22:53True story, my cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stefani
01:23:11My cousin swears that it's true but don't you tell anybody
01:23:17Friends! You cannot breathe without friends! Buy it on Amazon! Friends!
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney
01:23:37Last but not least we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities
01:23:43Brad Pitt! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:55Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that tape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks
01:24:06Brad Pitt! You would be dead without Brad Pitt!
01:24:11America's sweetheart, Brad Pitt!
01:24:14From Cool World to Fight Club, he's never let us down
01:24:20Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous? That would be insane!
01:24:32Brad Pitt! Hotter than anyone! Brad Pitt! Also real talented! Brad Pitt!
01:24:40Come on Academy, where is the Oscar for Brad Pitt! I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt
01:24:48Sexiest Men Alive!
01:24:51That's just because- Oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed. Sorry.
01:24:54What a crazy story!
01:25:01What stone was like?!
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