- 12 hours ago
Bastard King Of The Cage🥊 - Hd No Cuts
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07So I'm flying the space shuttle for the second time, and this guy passes out.
00:00:11All right, it's about that time.
00:00:13So, are you kissing anybody at midnight?
00:00:23Yeah, him.
00:00:24Hi!
00:00:25Just play him on.
00:00:26Six, five, four, three, two, one.
00:00:33Happy New Year!
00:00:56You have a cute scar.
00:00:58It's just my birthmark.
00:01:00If you want me to stop, tell me now.
00:01:05I don't want you to stop.
00:01:06You're my Steenman.
00:01:10No.
00:01:11I don't want you to stop.
00:01:14You're my Steenman.
00:01:18I don't want you to stop.
00:01:31You're my Steenman.
00:01:35You're my Steenman.
00:01:37Ah, I was so drunk last night. I can't remember who I was with.
00:01:45I must return this to her so I can see her again.
00:01:53Happy New Year.
00:01:54Sam, it's me. Hey, find me the girl from last night. I don't care how, just do it.
00:02:01I will find you.
00:02:07Maximus, can't you get married already? Bring home a wife or at least a girlfriend? I need grandkids. I need
00:02:15you to...
00:02:15Message received, Mom. I need to go now. I have to inspect the new headquarters.
00:02:28Seven years. Why can't I ever find you? And why do you still haunt me?
00:02:41Still thinking about that girl? Boss, it's been years.
00:02:48I'm ready to go to the inspection now.
00:02:50Your vest, sir. But first, we found your fake Christmas wife. She's waiting in the coffee shop. Blonde hair, red
00:02:57top.
00:02:57And, sir, make sure you use an alias. We can't have her knowing you the Harrison Group CEO or she'll
00:03:03jack up the price.
00:03:04Good. Finally, I can get my mother off my back.
00:03:09Hi. One iced vanilla latte, please.
00:03:12And one hot chocolate.
00:03:15I can't wait to finally meet my new daddy.
00:03:18Now Auntie Deborah and Pamela can't say I have no daddy anymore.
00:03:23Sweetie, remember, it's just pretend. It's just for Christmas.
00:03:27But, Mommy, why do we have to rent, Daddy? Where's my real one?
00:03:38I'll tell you when you're older. Sweetie, why don't you go find us a table?
00:03:50Daddy!
00:03:51No!
00:03:53Daddy!
00:03:59No! I'm sorry. I'm not your dad.
00:04:03No, I know you're my daddy just as handsome as I am.
00:04:07Oh.
00:04:07Mommy, hurry! Your fit Christmas husband has arrived!
00:04:18I asked the agency for an average-looking guy. He's gorgeous.
00:04:28Why does she feel so familiar?
00:04:30Why does she feel so familiar?
00:04:32She's waiting in the coffee shop. Blonde hair, red top.
00:04:35You must be my new Christmas husband.
00:04:38So, you're my new Christmas wife?
00:04:40See, I knew you were the new daddy we had, right?
00:04:43Hi, my name's Cybert. What's your name?
00:04:45Sam didn't say anything about a kid.
00:04:48Max, Aurelius.
00:04:50Eva.
00:04:51I think we should probably sit and discuss the details of this fake marriage.
00:04:55I just need a wife for the holidays.
00:04:58I guess Mom gets her grandkid, too.
00:05:02So, per our agreement, the rate is $1,000 per hour, and...
00:05:08$1,000 an hour?
00:05:09Well, yeah.
00:05:11It's $500 a day.
00:05:13Is that enough?
00:05:14That's the most that I can pay you.
00:05:16Wait, you're paying me $500 a day?
00:05:18That's what I agreed with the agency.
00:05:20You'll make your thousands over the week.
00:05:22Look, my requirements are simple, okay?
00:05:24Play my pretend husband, come with me to my hometown,
00:05:27and we all pretend to be one big happy family.
00:05:29And then my family will get off my back,
00:05:31so Piper can have a good Christmas for once.
00:05:36So she's getting pressure from her folks, too.
00:05:39Fine.
00:05:40But you have to help me get my mom off my case, too.
00:05:44Okay. Deal.
00:05:48Ready to go get married?
00:06:03Wow. Clean up nice.
00:06:06This is my wedding day, after all.
00:06:08Pictures.
00:06:17Y'all guys are supposed to look like you're in love.
00:06:42Y'all guys are supposed to look like you're in love.
00:06:44Ooh.
00:06:45I need some photos of us together, too.
00:06:48To prove to my parents that I'm actually married
00:06:50and have a happy family.
00:06:52Yeah.
00:06:52Of course.
00:07:03Happy holidays, Mom.
00:07:05From my family to you.
00:07:15Bad news, boss.
00:07:16The agency said that the girl that they recruited to be your fake wife
00:07:19failed last minute.
00:07:20Wait, she bailed?
00:07:22Then who is...
00:07:25Who is she?
00:07:27Whatever.
00:07:28It doesn't matter.
00:07:30I've got what I need.
00:07:33Sam, don't worry about it.
00:07:35I already found someone.
00:07:41Okay.
00:07:42Well, I think it's time for us to go.
00:07:45Christmas shopping waits for no one.
00:07:46Christmas shopping?
00:07:48I should come.
00:07:50Look, if you want me to be the husband in this fake it to your family plan,
00:07:53I think I should have some say in the gifts.
00:07:56It'll make it more believable.
00:08:00Fine.
00:08:01Yeah, fine.
00:08:02Okay.
00:08:03You can come.
00:08:11Let's go.
00:08:12Which mall are we going to?
00:08:13Um, let's go to that one.
00:08:15No, let's go to the bank.
00:08:22What the actual fuck?
00:08:28Sam, is Maximus pulling another one of his goddamn elaborate pranks again?
00:08:33Get me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
00:08:39She does kind of look like him.
00:08:44So when we give these gifts to my parents, we will say they're from you.
00:08:48Jeez.
00:08:49Here, let me get this.
00:08:52I'm gonna love you, Max.
00:08:54Oh, so I was, uh, thinking that since we're married, we should probably kiss.
00:09:03Once or twice.
00:09:05In front of them.
00:09:06Okay.
00:09:07Should we use our tongues, or?
00:09:09No.
00:09:10No, definitely not.
00:09:11And absolutely no.
00:09:12Sex?
00:09:13Yes.
00:09:15Strictly business.
00:09:17Anything physical outside of that does not have any.
00:09:21What?
00:09:22Afraid you'll fall for me?
00:09:25I just don't want Piper to have messy complications getting in the way of her having a good Christmas.
00:09:31Let's go.
00:09:38Here.
00:09:39What are you doing?
00:09:40I'd never let my woman pick up the tab.
00:09:44Well, I'm not your woman.
00:09:45And this isn't a real relationship.
00:09:47And I don't want your money.
00:09:50Attention shoppers.
00:09:51All bakery items are now 50% off.
00:09:5350% off pies.
00:09:55Quick, go grab a dozen pumpkin pies.
00:09:5712 pumpkin pies.
00:09:58I hear this right?
00:09:58They're the best kind.
00:10:00Hurry up and go.
00:10:01Go.
00:10:01What are you standing here for?
00:10:04Hello there.
00:10:05Hi.
00:10:06You ready?
00:10:06Yes, yeah.
00:10:07Just these things.
00:10:07Okay, great.
00:10:09We have a holiday special today.
00:10:11Spend $500.
00:10:12Get 10% off.
00:10:13And you are just short $15 if you want to take advantage of the deal.
00:10:17Oh, great.
00:10:18Yeah.
00:10:18What do you have that's just $15?
00:10:20Will you get a move on?
00:10:22I just got here.
00:10:24Relax.
00:10:25Yeah, yeah.
00:10:28Here, this will do the trick.
00:10:30Okay, thank you.
00:10:33Hurry up and pay.
00:10:37I will pay when I'm ready.
00:10:39You can wait your turn.
00:10:45Damn.
00:10:45My fake wife has some fire in her.
00:10:53Wait, wait, wait. Not the pies. Not the pies.
00:10:55You can just set those on top.
00:10:59Okay.
00:11:01Hi, guys.
00:11:03I'm going to hand you all these pies.
00:11:09Of course.
00:11:10Thank you so much.
00:11:12Of course. I hope you like pumpkin.
00:11:15She bought all 12 pies.
00:11:16Don't worry, I have enough for everybody.
00:11:18Just to give it away.
00:11:21Merry Christmas.
00:11:22Merry Christmas.
00:11:27What?
00:11:28You do that often?
00:11:30As often as I can.
00:11:36We should go.
00:11:37We gotta pick up paper.
00:11:41Watch out.
00:12:01You done feeling me up?
00:12:03Shut up.
00:12:04Sorry, I was just in character, wifey.
00:12:07Well, stay out of character until Christmas.
00:12:14And don't be late.
00:12:26Harrison Group?
00:12:27Harrison Group?
00:12:28Do you do construction for them or something?
00:12:31Sort of.
00:12:32Not that I'm judging.
00:12:33I just need to get my story straight or my mom will eat both of us alive.
00:12:39Why don't we say that you do mid-level management for Harrison Group?
00:12:42I think that's respectable.
00:12:44Can we pick another company?
00:12:46No.
00:12:47Harrison Group is perfect.
00:12:49And they'll find it impressive.
00:12:50My cousin's husband works for them, too.
00:12:52So, it's perfect.
00:12:57Oh, and wear something nice for Christmas dinner?
00:13:01Don't worry.
00:13:02Okay, I clean up nicely.
00:13:04I wouldn't embarrass you.
00:13:07Too much.
00:13:28Let's go, Sam.
00:13:30It's time to check out the new HQ site.
00:13:32Hold on, you're covered in water and you have a hair on your shoulder and it's not yours.
00:13:37It's my daughter's.
00:13:39Daughter's?
00:13:40Give me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
00:13:58Hey, there they are!
00:14:00Hey!
00:14:00Nice to meet you!
00:14:02Aw.
00:14:03Dad.
00:14:04So glad you made it.
00:14:05Aw.
00:14:06I missed you.
00:14:06So, where's this mysterious husband we heard all about?
00:14:11He's coming.
00:14:12Please don't tell me Maximus bailed.
00:14:14Good, good, good.
00:14:17So, heard you got a new hubby, sweetie.
00:14:20When's he arriving?
00:14:22Oh, it's probably just some story she cooked up to stop people talking.
00:14:26Poor thing.
00:14:27Not surprising.
00:14:28I mean, she's 30.
00:14:30Once a woman hits that age, you become undateable.
00:14:33Oh, plus a kid looks so bad on dating apps.
00:14:39This is exactly why I refuse to come home single this Christmas.
00:14:43Auntie Pamela?
00:14:44Debbie?
00:14:45My dating life, quite frankly, is none of your concern.
00:14:48We're only worried about you.
00:14:50All these years without a husband.
00:14:53Zip it, Pamela.
00:14:55You know, you always spoiled her rotten.
00:14:58And look what happened.
00:14:59She got knocked up out of wedlock, raising a kid all alone.
00:15:03I'm not alone.
00:15:04Mm-hmm.
00:15:05And what does this mysterious husband do?
00:15:11He's a manager.
00:15:12Manager?
00:15:13Of what?
00:15:15Trash.
00:15:17Probably a cover for criminal activity.
00:15:21You don't have to lie to us, Eva.
00:15:24Actually...
00:15:26He's right here.
00:15:29Oh, wow.
00:15:31Wow.
00:15:32He is really good looking.
00:15:35Ah, must be AI.
00:15:37Mm-hmm.
00:15:38Congratulations, Eva, on your Photoshop skills.
00:15:41Fake!
00:15:42That's enough.
00:15:43She's our daughter and your niece.
00:15:45Show some respect.
00:15:46Remember last year when I introduced you to my husband's nephew, William, and you turned him down?
00:15:54Well, guess what?
00:15:55William works for the Harrison Group now.
00:15:58Makes $500,000 a year.
00:16:01That's half a million.
00:16:03Half a million.
00:16:04Girls are lining up for him all the way to New York.
00:16:08And speak of the devil!
00:16:13Willie, you made it!
00:16:25There you are.
00:16:27Oh, look at you now.
00:16:29Living the dream.
00:16:31Oh, just think, Eva.
00:16:33Well, you could be driving around in a car like that had you not married that criminal waste manager.
00:16:38So married, huh?
00:16:40Is it serious?
00:16:43That's what marriage is.
00:16:44It's pretty serious.
00:16:46Wow.
00:16:47You must have rushed to tie the knot, huh?
00:16:50Makes sense, though.
00:16:51You not being a hot, young thing anymore.
00:16:54Dragging that kid around with no daddy.
00:16:57A bullet dodged, Willie.
00:16:59Meanwhile, you're climbing the Harrison Group ladder.
00:17:03That's right.
00:17:04Just bought this brand-new suit with my Christmas bonus.
00:17:08Women love a man in red.
00:17:11Sexy, like Santa Claus.
00:17:13When I sit on my lap...
00:17:15Don't touch me.
00:17:17Oh, so entitled.
00:17:19Williams, a successful man of taste, not waste.
00:17:23And yet, for some reason, he's willing to overlook your baggage.
00:17:27I mean, look at that car!
00:17:29Could your husband afford anything even close to that?
00:17:33Think of the life I can give you and Piper with all my Harrison Group money.
00:17:36Ditch your no-body husband and marry me instead.
00:17:41I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth.
00:17:48My mom would never marry.
00:17:49She already has a husband and he's gonna kick your butt.
00:17:56Is that so?
00:17:57Well then...
00:17:59Where is he?
00:18:00Because...
00:18:01I don't see him.
00:18:02Does anyone see him?
00:18:05No.
00:18:06Just like I thought.
00:18:08Telling lies just like Mommy.
00:18:11That puts you on the naughty list.
00:18:13And let me show you what happens to naughty children.
00:18:19Hey.
00:18:20Mommy!
00:18:21Are you okay?
00:18:22I see your hands.
00:18:23Oh my God!
00:18:25I'm gonna take her in and get her packed up, okay?
00:18:27Come on now.
00:18:27Let's go.
00:18:30What the hell's the matter with you?
00:18:32How dare you put your filthy hands on my daughter!
00:18:36Let me go!
00:18:37Now, why would I go and do a thing like that when I'm having such a good time?
00:18:42Let me go!
00:18:58Touch my wife again and I will snap every finger that you've got.
00:19:18So I'm flying the space shuttle for the second time.
00:19:21And this guy passes out.
00:19:22Alright, it's about that time.
00:19:24So, are you kissing anybody at midnight?
00:19:26Uh...
00:19:28Uh...
00:19:33Yeah.
00:19:34Him.
00:19:35Hi!
00:19:36Just by your mom.
00:19:38Six...
00:19:39Five...
00:19:40Four...
00:19:41Three...
00:19:42Two...
00:19:43One!
00:19:43Hey!
00:19:44Yeah!
00:20:07You have a cute scar.
00:20:09It's just my birthmark.
00:20:11If you want me to stop, tell me now.
00:20:16I don't want you to stop.
00:20:17My home will Ikopase.
00:20:20Oh, yeah!
00:20:26I'll let you walk right down.
00:20:29I'm with you!
00:20:35What are you?
00:20:48Ah, I was so drunk last night.
00:20:51I can't remember who I was with.
00:20:56I must return this to her so I can see her again.
00:21:04Happy New Year.
00:21:05Sam, it's me.
00:21:06Hey, find me the girl from last night.
00:21:09I don't care how.
00:21:10Just do it.
00:21:11I will find you.
00:21:17Maximus, can you get married already?
00:21:21Bring home a wife or at least a girlfriend.
00:21:24I need grandkids.
00:21:25I need you to...
00:21:26Message received, Mom.
00:21:28I need to go now.
00:21:29I have to inspect the new headquarters.
00:21:39Seven years.
00:21:40Why can't I ever find you?
00:21:43And why do you still haunt me?
00:21:52Still thinking about that girl?
00:21:54Boss, it's been years.
00:21:59I'm ready to go to the inspection now.
00:22:01Your vest, sir.
00:22:03But first, we found her fake Christmas wife.
00:22:05She's waiting in the coffee shop.
00:22:07Blonde hair, red top.
00:22:08And, sir, make sure you use an alias.
00:22:11We can't have her know you're the Harrison Group CEO or she'll jack up the price.
00:22:14Good.
00:22:16Finally, I can get my mother off my back.
00:22:20Hi.
00:22:21One iced vanilla latte, please.
00:22:23And one hot chocolate.
00:22:26I can't wait to finally meet my new daddy.
00:22:29Now Auntie Deborah and Pamela can't say I have no daddy anymore.
00:22:35Sweetie, remember, it's just pretend.
00:22:37It's just for Christmas.
00:22:38But, Mommy, why do we have to rent a daddy?
00:22:41Where's my real one?
00:22:49Uh, I'll tell you when you're older.
00:22:51Sweetie, why don't you go find us a table?
00:23:01Danny!
00:23:02Yo!
00:23:03What?
00:23:09Danny!
00:23:10Yo!
00:23:11I'm sorry.
00:23:13I'm not your dad.
00:23:14No, I know you're my dad.
00:23:16He does his hints and his head out.
00:23:18Oh.
00:23:19Mommy, hurry!
00:23:20Your Christmas husband has arrived!
00:23:29I asked the agency for an average-looking guy.
00:23:32He's gorgeous.
00:23:39Why does she feel so familiar?
00:23:43She's waiting in the coffee shop.
00:23:44Blonde hair, red top.
00:23:46You must be my new Christmas husband.
00:23:49So, you're my new Christmas wife.
00:23:51See, I knew you were the new daddy we had, right?
00:23:54Hi, my name's Hyper.
00:23:55What's your name?
00:23:57Sam didn't say anything about a kid.
00:23:59Max, Aurelius.
00:24:01Eva.
00:24:02I think we should probably sit and discuss the details of this fake marriage.
00:24:06I just need a wife for the holidays.
00:24:09I guess mom gets her grandkid, too.
00:24:13So, per our agreement, the rate is $1,000 per hour, and...
00:24:19$1,000 an hour?
00:24:20Well, yeah.
00:24:22It's $500 a day.
00:24:24Is that enough?
00:24:25That's the most that I can pay you.
00:24:27Wait, you're paying me $500 a day?
00:24:29That's what I agreed with the agency.
00:24:31You'll make your thousands over the week.
00:24:33Look, my requirements are simple, okay?
00:24:35Play my pretend husband, come with me to my hometown,
00:24:38and we all pretend to be one big happy family.
00:24:40And then my family will get off my back,
00:24:42so Piper can have a good Christmas for once.
00:24:47So she's getting pressure from her folks, too.
00:24:50Fine.
00:24:51But you have to help me get my mom off my case, too.
00:24:55Okay.
00:24:56Deal.
00:25:00Ready to go get married?
00:25:14Wow.
00:25:15Clean up nice.
00:25:17This is my wedding day, after all.
00:25:19Pictures.
00:25:28Y'all guys are supposed to look like you're in love.
00:25:30Y'all guys are supposed to look like you're in love.
00:25:51Oh.
00:25:53Okay, well, I think we got it.
00:25:56Oh, I need some photos of us together, too,
00:25:59to prove to my parents that I'm actually married
00:26:01and have a happy family.
00:26:03Yeah, of course.
00:26:14Happy holidays, Mom.
00:26:16From my family to you.
00:26:26Bad news, boss.
00:26:27The agency said that the girl that they recruited
00:26:29to be your fake wife bailed last minute.
00:26:31Wait, she bailed?
00:26:33Then who is...
00:26:36Who is she?
00:26:38Whatever.
00:26:39It doesn't matter.
00:26:41I've got what I need.
00:26:44Sam, don't worry about it.
00:26:46I already found someone.
00:26:52Okay, well, I think it's time for us to go.
00:26:56Christmas shopping waits for no one.
00:26:57Christmas shopping?
00:26:59I should come.
00:27:01Look, if you want me to be the husband
00:27:02in this fake-it-to-your-family plan,
00:27:04I think I should have some say in the gifts.
00:27:07It'll make it more believable.
00:27:11Fine.
00:27:12Yeah, fine.
00:27:13Okay.
00:27:14You can come.
00:27:22Let's go.
00:27:23Which mall are we going to?
00:27:24Um, let's go to that one.
00:27:26Oh, let's go to the bank.
00:27:33What the actual fuck?
00:27:39Sam, is Maximus pulling another one
00:27:41of his goddamn elaborate pranks again?
00:27:44Get me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
00:27:50She does kind of look like him.
00:27:55So when we give these gifts to my parents,
00:27:57we will say they're from you.
00:28:00Here, let me get this.
00:28:03They're going to love you, Max.
00:28:06Also, I was thinking that since we're married,
00:28:11we should probably kiss once or twice in front of them.
00:28:17Okay.
00:28:18Should we use our tongues or?
00:28:20No, no, definitely not.
00:28:22And absolutely no.
00:28:23Sex?
00:28:24Yes.
00:28:26It's strictly business.
00:28:27Hmm.
00:28:28Anything physical outside of that is not happening.
00:28:32What?
00:28:33Afraid you'll fall for me?
00:28:36I just don't want Piper to have messy complications
00:28:38getting in the way of her having a good Christmas.
00:28:42Let's go.
00:28:49Here.
00:28:50What are you doing?
00:28:51I'd never let my woman pick up the tab.
00:28:55Well, I'm not your woman and this isn't a real relationship
00:28:58and I don't want your money.
00:29:01Attention shoppers.
00:29:02All bakery items are now 50% off.
00:29:0450% off pies.
00:29:06Quick.
00:29:06Go grab a dozen pumpkin pies.
00:29:0812 pumpkin pies.
00:29:09I hear this right?
00:29:09They're the best kind.
00:29:11Hurry up and go.
00:29:12Go.
00:29:12What are you standing here for?
00:29:15Hello there.
00:29:16Hi.
00:29:17You ready?
00:29:17Yes.
00:29:18Yeah.
00:29:18Just these things.
00:29:19Great.
00:29:20We have a holiday special today.
00:29:22Spend $500, get 10% off and you are just short $15
00:29:26if you want to take advantage of the deal.
00:29:28Oh, great.
00:29:29Yeah.
00:29:29What do you have that's just $15?
00:29:31Will you get a move on?
00:29:33I just got here.
00:29:35Relax.
00:29:36Yeah.
00:29:37Yeah.
00:29:39Here.
00:29:40This will do the trick.
00:29:41Okay.
00:29:44Hurry up and pay.
00:29:48I will pay when I'm ready.
00:29:50You can wait your turn.
00:29:56Damn.
00:29:57My fake wife has some fire in her.
00:30:04Oh wait, wait, wait.
00:30:04Not the pies.
00:30:05Not the pies.
00:30:06We can just set those on top.
00:30:12Hi guys.
00:30:14I'm gonna hand you all these pies.
00:30:20Of course.
00:30:21Thank you so much.
00:30:23Of course.
00:30:23I hope you like pumpkin.
00:30:26She bought all 12 pies.
00:30:27Don't worry, I have enough for everybody.
00:30:29Just to give it away.
00:30:30Yeah.
00:30:32Merry Christmas.
00:30:33Bye.
00:30:33Merry Christmas.
00:30:38What?
00:30:39You do that often?
00:30:41As often as I can.
00:30:47We should go.
00:30:48We gotta pick up paper.
00:30:52Watch out.
00:31:12You done feeling me up?
00:31:14Shut up.
00:31:15Oh, sorry.
00:31:16I was just in character, wifey.
00:31:18Well, stay out of character until Christmas.
00:31:25And don't be late.
00:31:37Harrison Group?
00:31:39Do you do construction for them or something?
00:31:42Sort of.
00:31:43Not that I'm judging.
00:31:44I just need to get my story straight or my mom will eat both of us alive.
00:31:50Why don't we say that you do mid-level management for Harrison Group?
00:31:53I think that's respectable.
00:31:55Can we pick another company?
00:31:57No.
00:31:58Harrison Group is perfect.
00:32:00And they'll find it impressive.
00:32:01My cousin's husband works for them too.
00:32:03So, it's perfect.
00:32:08Oh, and wear something nice for Christmas dinner.
00:32:12Don't worry.
00:32:13Okay, I clean up nicely.
00:32:15I wouldn't embarrass you.
00:32:18Too much.
00:32:39Let's go, Sam.
00:32:41It's time to check out the new HQ site.
00:32:43Well, Don, you're covered in water and you have a hair on your shoulder and it's not yours.
00:32:48It's my daughter's.
00:32:49It's my daughter's.
00:32:50Daughter's?
00:32:52Give me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
00:33:09Hey!
00:33:09There they are!
00:33:11Hey!
00:33:11Nice to meet you!
00:33:13Aw.
00:33:14Dad.
00:33:15So glad you're native.
00:33:16Aw.
00:33:17We missed you.
00:33:18So, where's this mysterious husband we heard all about?
00:33:22He's coming.
00:33:23Please don't tell me Maximus bailed.
00:33:25Good, good, good.
00:33:28So, heard you got a new hubby, sweetie.
00:33:31When's he arriving?
00:33:33Oh, it's probably just some story she cooked up to stop people talking.
00:33:37Poor thing.
00:33:38Not surprising.
00:33:39I mean, she's 30.
00:33:41Once a woman hits that age, you become undateable.
00:33:44Oh, plus a kid looks so bad on dating apps.
00:33:50This is exactly why I refuse to come home single this Christmas.
00:33:54Auntie Pamela, Debbie, my dating life, quite frankly, is none of your concern.
00:33:59We're only worried about you.
00:34:01All these years without a husband.
00:34:04Zip it, Pamela.
00:34:06You know, you always spoiled her rotten.
00:34:09And look what happened.
00:34:10She got knocked up out of wedlock, raising a kid all alone.
00:34:14I'm not alone.
00:34:15Mm-hmm.
00:34:16And what does this mysterious husband do?
00:34:22He's a manager.
00:34:23Manager?
00:34:24Of what?
00:34:26Trash?
00:34:28Probably a cover for criminal activity.
00:34:32You don't have to lie to us, Eva.
00:34:36Actually, he's right here.
00:34:40Oh, wow.
00:34:43Wow.
00:34:44He is really good looking.
00:34:46Must be AI.
00:34:49Congratulations, Eva, on your Photoshop skills.
00:34:52Fake.
00:34:53That's enough.
00:34:54She's our daughter and your niece.
00:34:56Show some respect.
00:34:57Remember last year when I introduced you to my husband's nephew, William?
00:35:03And you turned him down?
00:35:04Well, guess what?
00:35:06William works for the Harrison Group now.
00:35:09Makes 500 grand a year.
00:35:12That's half a million.
00:35:14Half a million.
00:35:15Girls are lining up for him all the way to New York.
00:35:19And speak of the devil.
00:35:24Willie, you made it.
00:35:36There you are.
00:35:38Oh, look at you now.
00:35:40Living the dream.
00:35:42Oh, just think, Eva.
00:35:43Well, you could be driving around in a car like that had you not married that criminal waste manager.
00:35:49So married, huh?
00:35:51Is it serious?
00:35:54That's what marriage is.
00:35:55It's pretty serious.
00:35:57Wow.
00:35:57You must have rushed to tie the knot, huh?
00:36:01Makes sense, though.
00:36:02You not being a hot young thing anymore.
00:36:05Dragging that kid around with no daddy.
00:36:08A bullet dodged, Willie.
00:36:10Meanwhile, you're climbing the Harrison Group ladder.
00:36:14That's right.
00:36:15Just bought this brand new suit with my Christmas bonus.
00:36:19Women love a man in red.
00:36:22Sexy, like Santa Claus.
00:36:24Want to sit on my lap?
00:36:26Don't touch me.
00:36:27Oh, so entitled.
00:36:30Williams, a successful man of taste, not waste.
00:36:34And yet, for some reason, he's willing to overlook your baggage.
00:36:38I mean, look at that car.
00:36:40Could your husband afford anything even close to that?
00:36:43Think of the life I can give you and Piper with all my Harrison Group money.
00:36:47Ditch your no-body husband and marry me instead.
00:36:52I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth.
00:36:59My mom would never marry.
00:37:01She already has a husband.
00:37:02He's gonna kick your butt.
00:37:07Is that so?
00:37:08Well then, where is he?
00:37:10Because I don't see him.
00:37:13Does anyone see him?
00:37:16No.
00:37:17Just like I thought.
00:37:19Telling lies just like mommy.
00:37:22That puts you on the naughty list.
00:37:24And let me show you what happens to naughty children.
00:37:30Hey.
00:37:31Mommy.
00:37:32Hi.
00:37:32Are you okay?
00:37:33I see your hands.
00:37:34Oh my god.
00:37:36I'm gonna take her in and get her packed stuff, okay?
00:37:38Come on now.
00:37:38Let's go.
00:37:41What the hell's the matter with you?
00:37:43How dare you put your filthy hands on my daughter?
00:37:47Let me go.
00:37:48Now why would I go and do a thing like that when I'm having such a good time?
00:37:54Let me go!
00:38:09Touch my wife again and I will snap every finger that you've got.
00:38:29so I'm flying the space shuttle for the second time and this guy passes out
00:38:33right it's about that time so are you kissing anybody at midnight
00:38:37uh yeah him hi just play along
00:38:48six five four three two one
00:39:18you have a cute scar it's just my birthmark if you want me to stop tell me now
00:39:27I don't want you to stop
00:39:59I was so drunk last night I can't remember who I was with
00:40:07I must return this to her so I can see her again
00:40:15happy new year
00:40:16Sam it's me hey find me the girl from last night
00:40:20I don't care how just do it
00:40:23I will find you
00:40:28Maximus
00:40:29can you get married already bring home a wife or at least a girlfriend
00:40:34I need grandkids I need you message received mom
00:40:38I need to go now I have to inspect the new headquarters
00:40:50seven years
00:40:52why can't I ever find you
00:40:53why do you still haunt me
00:41:03still thinking about that girl
00:41:05boss it's been years
00:41:10I'm ready to go to the inspection now
00:41:12your vest sir
00:41:14but first we found your fake Christmas wife
00:41:16she's waiting in the coffee shop
00:41:17blonde hair red top
00:41:19and sir make sure you use an alias
00:41:22we can't have her know you the Harrison group CEO or she'll jack up the price
00:41:25good
00:41:27finally I can get my mother off my back
00:41:31hi
00:41:32one iced vanilla latte please
00:41:34and one hot chocolate
00:41:37I can't wait to finally meet my new daddy
00:41:40now auntie Debra and Pamela can't say I have no daddy anymore
00:41:45sweetie remember it's just pretend
00:41:47it's just for Christmas
00:41:49but mommy why do we have to rent daddy where's my real one
00:41:54uh
00:42:00I'll tell you when you're older
00:42:02sweetie why don't you go find us a table
00:42:12daddy
00:42:13daddy
00:42:13what
00:42:20daddy
00:42:21no
00:42:21I'm sorry
00:42:24I'm not your dad
00:42:25no I know you're my daddy
00:42:27just as handsome as I thought
00:42:28oh
00:42:29mommy hurry
00:42:30your fake Christmas husband has arrived
00:42:40I
00:42:41asked the agency for an average looking guy
00:42:43he's gorgeous
00:42:50why does she feel so familiar?
00:42:52why does she feel so familiar?
00:42:52why does she feel so familiar?
00:42:54she's waiting in the coffee shop
00:42:55blonde hair red top
00:42:57you must be my new Christmas husband
00:42:59so
00:43:00you're my new Christmas wife
00:43:02see I knew you were the new daddy we had right?
00:43:05hi my name is Cybert
00:43:06what's your name?
00:43:08Sam didn't say anything about a kid
00:43:10Max
00:43:11Aurelius
00:43:12Eva
00:43:13I think we should probably sit and discuss the details of this fake marriage
00:43:17I just need a wife for the holidays
00:43:20I guess mom gets her grandkid too
00:43:24so
00:43:24per hour agreement
00:43:26the rate is one thousand dollars per hour
00:43:28and
00:43:29one thousand an hour?
00:43:31well
00:43:32yeah
00:43:33it's five hundred a day
00:43:35is that enough?
00:43:36that's the most that I can pay you
00:43:38wait you're paying me five hundred a day?
00:43:40that's what I agreed with the agency
00:43:42you'll make your thousands over the week
00:43:43look my requirements are simple
00:43:46okay play my pretend husband
00:43:47come with me to my hometown
00:43:49and we all pretend to be one big happy family
00:43:51and then my family will get off my back
00:43:53so Piper can have a good Christmas for once
00:43:58so she's getting pressure from her folks too
00:44:01fine
00:44:02but you have to help me get my mom off my case too
00:44:06okay
00:44:07deal
00:44:11ready to go get married?
00:44:25wow
00:44:25clean up nice
00:44:28this is my wedding day after all
00:44:30pictures
00:44:39y'all guys are supposed to look like you're in love
00:45:02okay
00:45:04uh
00:45:05well I think we got it
00:45:06oh
00:45:07I need some photos of us together too
00:45:10to prove to my parents that I'm actually married
00:45:12and have a happy family
00:45:13yeah
00:45:14of course
00:45:25happy holidays mom
00:45:27from my family to you
00:45:37bad news boss
00:45:38the agency said that the girl that they recruited to be your fake wife
00:45:41failed last minute
00:45:42wait she bailed
00:45:44then who is
00:45:47who is she?
00:45:49whatever
00:45:50it doesn't matter
00:45:52I've got what I need
00:45:55Sam don't worry about it
00:45:57I already found someone
00:46:03okay
00:46:04well
00:46:05I think it's time for us to go
00:46:07Christmas shopping waits for no one
00:46:09Christmas shopping?
00:46:10I should come
00:46:12look if you want me to be the husband in this fake it to your family plan
00:46:15I think I should have some say in the gifts
00:46:18we'll make it more believable
00:46:23fine
00:46:23yeah fine
00:46:24okay
00:46:25you can come
00:46:33let's go
00:46:34which mall are we going to?
00:46:35um
00:46:36let's go to that one
00:46:37no let's go to the bank
00:46:44what the actual fuck?
00:46:49Sam
00:46:50is Maximus pulling another one of his god damn elaborate pranks again?
00:46:55get me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with
00:47:01she does kind of look like him
00:47:06so when we give these gifts to my parents we will say they're from you
00:47:10jeez
00:47:11here let me get this
00:47:14I'm gonna love you Max
00:47:16oh so I was uh thinking that since we're married we should probably kiss once or twice
00:47:27in front of them
00:47:28okay
00:47:29should we use our tongues or?
00:47:31no
00:47:32no definitely not
00:47:33and absolutely no
00:47:34sex?
00:47:35yes
00:47:37strictly business
00:47:39anything physical outside of that does not have any
00:47:43what?
00:47:44afraid you'll fall for me?
00:47:47I just don't want Piper to have messy complications getting in the way of her having a good Christmas
00:47:53let's go
00:48:00here
00:48:00here
00:48:01what are you doing?
00:48:02I'd never let my woman pick up the tab
00:48:06well I'm not your woman and this isn't a real relationship and I don't want your money
00:48:12attention shoppers all bakery items are now 50% off
00:48:1550% off pies?
00:48:17quick go grab a dozen pumpkin pies
00:48:1912 pumpkin pies I hear this right?
00:48:21they're the best kind
00:48:21hurry up and go go what are you standing here for?
00:48:26hello there
00:48:27hi
00:48:28you ready?
00:48:28yes yeah just these things
00:48:29okay great
00:48:31we have a holiday special today
00:48:33spend 500 get 10% off and you are just short 15 bucks if you want to take advantage of
00:48:38the deal
00:48:39oh great yeah
00:48:40what do you have that's just 15 bucks?
00:48:42will you get a move on?
00:48:44I just got here relax
00:48:47yeah yeah
00:48:50here this will do the trick
00:48:52okay thank you
00:48:55hurry up and pay
00:48:59I will pay
00:49:00I will pay when I'm ready
00:49:01you can wait
00:49:01your turn
00:49:06thank you
00:49:07damn my fake wife has some fire in her
00:49:15oh wait wait wait not the pies not the pies
00:49:16you can just set those on top
00:49:23hi guys
00:49:25and I hand you all these pies
00:49:30thank you
00:49:31of course
00:49:32thank you so much
00:49:34of course I hope you like pumpkin
00:49:35thank you
00:49:36she bought all 12 pies
00:49:38don't worry I have enough for everybody
00:49:40just to give it away
00:49:42thank you
00:49:43Merry Christmas
00:49:43thanks
00:49:49what?
00:49:50you do that often?
00:49:52as often as I can
00:49:58we should go
00:49:59we gotta pick up paper
00:50:03watch out
00:50:23you done feeling me up?
00:50:25shut up
00:50:26sorry I was just in character wifey
00:50:29well stay out of character until Christmas
00:50:36and don't be late
00:50:49Harrison Group?
00:50:50Harrison Group?
00:50:51do you do construction for them or something?
00:50:53sorta
00:50:54not that I'm judging
00:50:55I just
00:50:56need to get my story straight
00:50:58or my mom will eat both of us alive
00:51:01why don't we say that you do mid-level management
00:51:03for Harrison Group?
00:51:04I think that's respectable
00:51:06can we pick another company?
00:51:08no
00:51:09Harrison Group is perfect
00:51:10and they'll find it impressive
00:51:12my cousin's husband works for them too
00:51:14so
00:51:14it's perfect
00:51:19oh and uh
00:51:21wear something nice
00:51:22for Christmas dinner
00:51:23don't worry
00:51:24okay I clean up nicely
00:51:25I wouldn't embarrass you
00:51:29too much
00:51:50let's go Sam
00:51:51let's go Sam
00:51:51it's time to check out the new HQ site
00:51:53hold on you're covered in water
00:51:55and you have a hair on your shoulder
00:51:57and it's not yours
00:51:59it's my daughter's
00:52:01daughters?
00:52:03give me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with
00:52:20hey there they are
00:52:21hey
00:52:22nice to make it
00:52:25aww
00:52:25dad
00:52:26so glad you made it
00:52:27aww
00:52:28we missed you
00:52:29so
00:52:30where's this mysterious husband we heard all about?
00:52:33he's coming
00:52:33please don't tell me Maximus bailed
00:52:36good good good
00:52:38so
00:52:39heard you got a new hubby sweetie
00:52:42when's he arriving?
00:52:44aww
00:52:44it's probably just some story she cooked up to stop people talking
00:52:48poor thing
00:52:49not surprising
00:52:50I mean
00:52:51she's 30
00:52:52once a woman hits that age
00:52:54you become undateable
00:52:55plus a kid looks so bad on dating apps
00:53:01yes
00:53:02this is exactly why I refuse to come home single this Christmas
00:53:04Auntie Pamela
00:53:06Debbie
00:53:07my dating life
00:53:08quite frankly is none of your concern
00:53:10we're only worried about you
00:53:12all these years without a husband
00:53:14zip it Pamela
00:53:17you know you always spoiled her rotten
00:53:19and look what happened
00:53:21she got knocked up out of wedlock raising a kid all alone
00:53:25I'm not alone
00:53:25mhm
00:53:27and what does this mysterious husband do?
00:53:32he's a manager
00:53:34manager
00:53:35manager
00:53:35of what?
00:53:37trash
00:53:39probably a cover for criminal activity
00:53:43you don't have to lie to us Eva
00:53:46actually
00:53:48he's right here
00:53:51oh
00:53:52wow
00:53:52wow
00:53:54he is really good looking
00:53:57aww
00:53:58must be A.I.
00:53:59mhm
00:54:00congratulations Eva
00:54:01on your photoshop skills
00:54:03fake
00:54:04that's enough
00:54:05she's our daughter
00:54:06and your niece
00:54:07show some respect
00:54:08remember last year when I introduced you to my husband's nephew William
00:54:13and you turned him down
00:54:15well guess what
00:54:17William works for the Harrison group now
00:54:19makes five hundred grand a year
00:54:23that's half a million
00:54:25half a million
00:54:26girls are lining up for him all the way to New York
00:54:29and speak of the devil
00:54:35Willie you made it
00:54:47there you are
00:54:48oh
00:54:49look at you now
00:54:50living the dream
00:54:53oh just think Eva
00:54:54well you could be driving around in a car like that had you not married that criminal waste manager
00:55:00so married huh
00:55:02is it serious?
00:55:05that's what marriage is
00:55:06it's pretty serious
00:55:08wow
00:55:08you must have rushed to tithing out huh
00:55:12makes sense though
00:55:13you
00:55:13not being a hot young thing anymore
00:55:15dragging that kid around with no daddy
00:55:18ugh
00:55:19a bullet dodged Willie
00:55:21meanwhile you're climbing the Harrison group ladder
00:55:24mhm
00:55:25that's right
00:55:27just bought this brand new suit
00:55:28my Christmas bonus
00:55:31women love a man in red
00:55:32sexy
00:55:33like Santa Claus
00:55:35wanna sit on my lap
00:55:37don't touch me
00:55:38oh so entitled
00:55:41Williams a successful man of taste not waste
00:55:45and yet for some reason he's willing to overlook your baggage
00:55:49I mean look at that car
00:55:51could your husband afford anything even close to that?
00:55:55think of the life I can give you and Piper with all my Harrison group money
00:55:58ditch your nobody husband
00:56:00and marry me instead
00:56:02I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth
00:56:10my mom would never marry
00:56:11she already has a husband
00:56:13and he's gonna kick your butt
00:56:18is that so?
00:56:19well then
00:56:20where is he?
00:56:22because
00:56:22I don't see him
00:56:24does anyone see him?
00:56:27now
00:56:28just like I thought
00:56:29telling lies just like mommy
00:56:32that puts you on the naughty list
00:56:35and let me show you what happens
00:56:37naughty children
00:56:41hey
00:56:41sorry
00:56:43are you okay?
00:56:44see your hands
00:56:45oh my god
00:56:46I'm gonna take her in and get her packed up okay?
00:56:49come on then
00:56:49let's go
00:56:52what the hell's the matter with you?
00:56:54how dare you put your filthy hands on my daughter?
00:56:58let me go
00:57:00now why would I go and do a thing like that
00:57:02when I'm having such a good time?
00:57:05let me go
00:57:05let me go
00:57:20touch my wife again and I will snap every finger that you've got
00:57:40so I'm finding the space shuttle for the second time
00:57:42and this guy passes out
00:57:44alright it's about that time
00:57:46so are you
00:57:47kissing anybody at midnight?
00:57:55yeah
00:57:56him
00:57:57hi
00:57:58just play him on
00:57:59six
00:58:01five
00:58:02four
00:58:03three
00:58:03two
00:58:04one
00:58:05hey
00:58:06yeah
00:58:29you have a cute scar
00:58:31it's just my birthmark
00:58:34do you want me to stop?
00:58:35tell me now
00:58:38i don't want you to stop
00:58:39i want you to stop
00:58:56you
00:58:56you
00:58:56you
00:58:56you
00:58:57you
00:58:58you
00:58:59you
00:59:03you
00:59:11I was so drunk last night.
00:59:13I can't remember who I was with.
00:59:18I must return this to her so I can see her again.
00:59:26Happy New Year.
00:59:27Sam, it's me.
00:59:28Hey, find me the girl from last night.
00:59:31I don't care how.
00:59:32Just do it.
00:59:34I will find you.
00:59:40Maximus, can't you get married already?
00:59:43Bring home a wife or at least a girlfriend.
00:59:46I need grandkids.
00:59:48I need you to...
00:59:48Message received, Mom.
00:59:50I need to go now.
00:59:51I have to inspect the new headquarters.
01:00:01Seven years.
01:00:03Why can't I ever find you?
01:00:05And why do you still haunt me?
01:00:14Still thinking about that girl?
01:00:16Boss, it's been years.
01:00:21I'm ready to go to the inspection now.
01:00:23Your vest, sir.
01:00:25But first, we found your fake Christmas wife.
01:00:27She's waiting in the coffee shop.
01:00:29Blonde hair, red top.
01:00:30And, sir, make sure you use an alias.
01:00:33We can't have her know you're the Harrison Group CEO or she'll jack up the price.
01:00:37Good.
01:00:37But finally, I can get my mother off my back.
01:00:42Hi.
01:00:43One iced vanilla latte, please.
01:00:45And one hot chocolate.
01:00:47But I can't wait to finally meet my new daddy.
01:00:51Now, Auntie Deborah and Pamela can't say I have no daddy anymore.
01:00:57Sweetie, remember, it's just pretend.
01:00:59It's just for Christmas.
01:01:00But, Mommy, why do we have to rent a daddy?
01:01:03Where's my real one?
01:01:11I'll tell you when you're older.
01:01:13Sweetie, why don't you go find us a table?
01:01:23Daddy!
01:01:24Yo!
01:01:25What?
01:01:31Daddy!
01:01:32Yo!
01:01:33I'm sorry.
01:01:35I'm not your dad.
01:01:36No, I know you're my daddy.
01:01:38Just as handsome as I've had.
01:01:40Oh.
01:01:41Mommy, hurry!
01:01:42Your Christmas husband has arrived!
01:01:51I asked the agency for an average-looking guy.
01:01:55He's gorgeous.
01:02:01Why does she feel so familiar?
01:02:03I don't know what's going on here.
01:02:05She's waiting in the coffee shop.
01:02:06Blonde hair, red top.
01:02:08You must be my new Christmas husband.
01:02:11So, you're my new Christmas wife.
01:02:13See, I knew you were the new daddy we had, right?
01:02:16Hi, my name's Hyper.
01:02:17What's your name?
01:02:19Sam didn't say anything about a kid.
01:02:21Sam didn't say anything about a kid.
01:02:22Max, Aurelius.
01:02:23Eva, I think we should probably sit and discuss the details of this fake marriage.
01:02:28I just need a wife for the holidays.
01:02:31I guess mom gets her grandkid, too.
01:02:35So, per hour agreement, the rate is $1,000 per hour, and...
01:02:41$1,000 an hour?
01:02:42Well, yeah.
01:02:44It's $500 a day.
01:02:46Is that enough?
01:02:47That's the most that I can pay you.
01:02:49Wait, you're paying me $500 a day?
01:02:51That's what I agreed with the agency.
01:02:53You'll make your thousands over the week.
01:02:55Look, my requirements are simple.
01:02:57Okay, play my pretend husband, come with me to my hometown, and we all pretend to be one big happy
01:03:02family.
01:03:02And then my family will get off my back, so Piper can have a good Christmas for once.
01:03:09So she's getting pressure from her folks, too.
01:03:12Fine.
01:03:13But you have to help me get my mom off my case, too.
01:03:17Okay.
01:03:18Deal.
01:03:22Ready to go get married?
01:03:36Wow.
01:03:37Clean up nice.
01:03:39This is my wedding day, after all.
01:03:41Pictures.
01:03:49Y'all guys are supposed to look like you're in love.
01:04:13Touching.
01:04:15Okay.
01:04:16Well, I think we got it.
01:04:17Oh.
01:04:18I need some photos of us together, too.
01:04:21To prove to my parents that I'm actually married and have a happy family.
01:04:25Yeah.
01:04:25Of course.
01:04:36Happy holidays, Mom.
01:04:38From my family to you.
01:04:48Bad news, boss.
01:04:49The agency said that the girl that they recruited to be your fake wife bailed last minute.
01:04:53Wait, she bailed?
01:04:55Then who is...
01:04:58Who is she?
01:05:00Whatever.
01:05:01It doesn't matter.
01:05:03I've got what I need.
01:05:07Sam, don't worry about it.
01:05:08I already found someone.
01:05:14Okay.
01:05:15Well, I think it's time for us to go.
01:05:18Christmas shopping waits for no one.
01:05:20Christmas shopping?
01:05:21I should come.
01:05:23Look, if you want me to be the husband in this fake-it-to-your-family plan,
01:05:26I think I should have some say in the gifts.
01:05:29It'll make it more believable.
01:05:34Fine.
01:05:35Fine.
01:05:35Yeah, fine.
01:05:35Okay.
01:05:36You can come.
01:05:44Let's go.
01:05:45Which mall are we going to?
01:05:47Um, let's go to that one.
01:05:48Oh, let's go to the bank.
01:05:54What the actual fuck?
01:06:00Sam, is Maximus pulling another one of his goddamn elaborate pranks again?
01:06:05Sam, get me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
01:06:12She does kind of look like him.
01:06:17So when we give these gifts to my parents, we will say they're from you.
01:06:20Oh, jeez.
01:06:22Here, let me get this.
01:06:25I'm going to love you, Max.
01:06:28Also, I was thinking that since we're married, we should probably kiss once or twice.
01:06:38In front of them.
01:06:39Okay.
01:06:40Should we use our tongues or?
01:06:42No, no, definitely not.
01:06:44And absolutely no.
01:06:45Sex?
01:06:47Yes.
01:06:48It's strictly business.
01:06:50Anything physical outside of that does not have any.
01:06:54What?
01:06:55Afraid you'll fall for me?
01:06:58I just don't want Piper to have messy complications getting in the way of her having a good Christmas.
01:07:04Let's go.
01:07:11Here.
01:07:12What are you doing?
01:07:13I'd never let my woman pick up the tab.
01:07:17Well, I'm not your woman, and this isn't a real relationship, and I don't want your money.
01:07:24Attention, shoppers.
01:07:24All bakery items are now 50% off.
01:07:2650% off pies.
01:07:28Quick, go grab a dozen pumpkin pies.
01:07:3012 pumpkin pies.
01:07:31Did I hear this right?
01:07:32They're the best kind.
01:07:33Hurry up and go.
01:07:34Go.
01:07:34What are you standing here for?
01:07:37Hello there.
01:07:38Hi.
01:07:39You ready?
01:07:39Yes.
01:07:40Yeah.
01:07:40Just these things.
01:07:41Okay, great.
01:07:42We have a holiday special today.
01:07:44Spend $500, get 10% off, and you are just short $15 if you want to take advantage of the
01:07:49deal.
01:07:50Oh, great.
01:07:51Yeah.
01:07:51What do you have that's just $15?
01:07:53Well, can you get a move on?
01:07:55I just got here.
01:07:57Relax.
01:07:58Yeah, yeah.
01:08:01Here, this will do the trick.
01:08:03Okay, thank you.
01:08:06Hurry up and pay.
01:08:10I will pay when I'm ready.
01:08:12You can wait your turn.
01:08:18Damn.
01:08:19My fake wife has some fire in her.
01:08:26Oh, wait, wait, wait, not the pies.
01:08:27Not the pies.
01:08:28We can just set those on top.
01:08:34Hi, guys.
01:08:36I'm going to hand you all these pies.
01:08:42Of course.
01:08:43Thank you so much.
01:08:45Of course.
01:08:45I hope you like pumpkin.
01:08:48She bought all 12 pies.
01:08:49Don't worry, I have enough for everybody.
01:08:51Just to give it away.
01:08:54Merry Christmas.
01:08:55Merry Christmas.
01:08:59Merry Christmas.
01:09:00What?
01:09:01You do that often?
01:09:04As often as I can.
01:09:09We should go.
01:09:10We got to pick up paper.
01:09:14Watch out.
01:09:34You done feeling me up?
01:09:37Shut up.
01:09:37Oh, sorry.
01:09:38I was just in character, wifey.
01:09:40Yeah, well, stay out of character until Christmas.
01:09:47And don't be late.
01:10:00Harrison Group?
01:10:01Do you do construction for them or something?
01:10:04Sort of.
01:10:05Not that I'm judging.
01:10:07I just need to get my story straight or my mom will eat both of us alive.
01:10:12Why don't we say that you do mid-level management for Harrison Group?
01:10:15I think that's respectable.
01:10:17Can we pick another company?
01:10:19No.
01:10:20Harrison Group is perfect.
01:10:22And they'll find it impressive.
01:10:23My cousin's husband works for them, too.
01:10:25So, it's perfect.
01:10:30Oh, and, uh, wear something nice for Christmas dinner.
01:10:34Don't worry.
01:10:35Okay, I clean up nicely.
01:10:37I wouldn't embarrass you.
01:10:40Too much.
01:11:01Let's go, Sam.
01:11:03It's time to check out the new HQ side.
01:11:05Well, Don, you're covered in water, and you have a hair on your shoulder, and it's not yours.
01:11:10It's my daughter's.
01:11:12Daughter's?
01:11:14Give me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
01:11:31Hey, there they are!
01:11:33Hey!
01:11:34Nice to meet you!
01:11:35Aw, Dad.
01:11:37So glad you made it.
01:11:38Aw, I missed you.
01:11:40So, where's this mysterious husband we heard all about?
01:11:44He's coming.
01:11:45Please don't tell me Maximus bailed.
01:11:47Good, good, good.
01:11:50So, heard you got a new hubby, sweetie.
01:11:53When's he arriving?
01:11:55Oh, it's probably just some story she cooked up to stop people talking.
01:12:00Poor thing.
01:12:00Not surprising.
01:12:01I mean, she's 30.
01:12:03Once a woman hits that age, you become undateable.
01:12:06No, plus a kid looks so bad on dating apps.
01:12:12This is exactly why I refuse to come home single this Christmas.
01:12:16Auntie Pamela?
01:12:17Debbie?
01:12:18My dating life, quite frankly, is none of your concern.
01:12:21We're only worried about you.
01:12:23All these years without a husband.
01:12:26Zip it, Pamela.
01:12:28You know, you always spoiled her rotten.
01:12:31And look what happened.
01:12:32She got knocked up out of wedlock, raising a kid all alone.
01:12:36I'm not alone.
01:12:37Mm-hmm.
01:12:38And what does this mysterious husband do?
01:12:44He's a manager.
01:12:46Manager of what?
01:12:48Trash.
01:12:50Probably a cover for criminal activity.
01:12:54You don't have to lie to us, Eva.
01:12:59Actually, he's right here.
01:13:02Oh, wow.
01:13:05Wow.
01:13:06He is really good looking.
01:13:09Oh, must be AI.
01:13:11Mm-hmm.
01:13:11Congratulations, Eva, on your Photoshop skills.
01:13:14Fake.
01:13:15That's enough.
01:13:16She's our daughter and your niece.
01:13:18Show some respect.
01:13:20Remember last year when I introduced you to my husband's nephew, William, and you turned him down?
01:13:27Well, guess what?
01:13:28William works for the Harrison Group now.
01:13:31Makes 500 grand a year.
01:13:34That's half a million.
01:13:36Half a million.
01:13:37Girls are lining up for him all the way to New York.
01:13:41And speak of the devil.
01:13:43Oh, Willie, you've made it.
01:13:58There you are.
01:14:00Oh, look at you now.
01:14:02Living the dream.
01:14:04Oh, just think, Eva.
01:14:06Well, you could be driving around in a car like that had you not married that criminal waste manager.
01:14:12So married, huh?
01:14:13Is it serious?
01:14:16That's what marriage is.
01:14:17It's pretty serious.
01:14:19Wow.
01:14:20You must have rushed to tie the knot, huh?
01:14:23Makes sense, though.
01:14:24You not being a hot young thing anymore.
01:14:27Dragging that kid around with no daddy.
01:14:29Ugh, a bullet dodged, Willie.
01:14:32Meanwhile, you're climbing the Harrison Group ladder.
01:14:36That's right.
01:14:37Just bought this brand new suit with my Christmas bonus.
01:14:41Women love a man in red.
01:14:44Sexy, like Santa Claus.
01:14:46Wanna sit on my lap?
01:14:48Don't touch me.
01:14:50Oh, so entitled.
01:14:52Williams, a successful man of taste, not waste.
01:14:56And yet, for some reason, he's willing to overlook your baggage.
01:15:00I mean, look at that car.
01:15:02Could your husband afford anything even close to that?
01:15:06Think of the life I can give you and Piper with all my Harrison Group money.
01:15:09Ditch your nobody husband and marry me instead.
01:15:14I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth.
01:15:21My mom would never marry.
01:15:23She already has a husband.
01:15:24He's gonna kick your butt.
01:15:29Is that so?
01:15:30Well, then, where is he?
01:15:33Because I don't see him.
01:15:35Does anyone see him?
01:15:38No.
01:15:39Just like I thought.
01:15:41Telling lies just like Mommy.
01:15:44That puts you on the naughty list.
01:15:47And let me show you what happens to naughty children.
01:15:52Hey.
01:15:53Mommy.
01:15:54Hey, are you okay?
01:15:55I see your hands.
01:15:56Oh, my God.
01:15:58I'm gonna take her in and get her packed stuff, okay?
01:16:00Come on, then.
01:16:01Let's go.
01:16:03What the hell's the matter with you?
01:16:05How dare you put your filthy hands on my daughter?
01:16:09Let me go.
01:16:10Now, why would I go and do a thing like that when I'm having such a good time?
01:16:15Let me go.
01:16:24Let me go.
01:16:31Touch my wife again and I will snap every finger that you've got.
01:16:35Okay.
01:16:42Let me go.
01:16:44Let me go.
01:16:51So I'm flying the space shuttle for the second time, and this guy passes out.
01:16:55All right, it's about that time.
01:16:57So, are you kissing anybody at midnight?
01:17:07Yeah, him.
01:17:08Hi!
01:17:09Just play him out.
01:17:10Six, five, four, three, two, one.
01:17:17Yeah!
01:17:40You have a cute scar.
01:17:42It's just my birthmark.
01:17:44If you want me to stop, tell me now.
01:17:49I don't want you to stop.
01:17:50I don't want you to stop.
01:18:22I was so drunk last night. I can't remember who I was with.
01:18:29I must return this to her so I can see her again.
01:18:37Happy New Year.
01:18:38Sam, it's me. Hey, find me the girl from last night. I don't care how, just do it.
01:18:45I will find you.
01:18:50Maximus, can you get married already? Bring home a wife or at least a girlfriend. I need grandkids. I need
01:18:59you to-
01:18:59Message received, Mom. I need to go now. I have to inspect the new headquarters.
01:19:12Seven years. Why can't I ever find you? And why do you still haunt me?
01:19:25Still thinking about that girl? Boss, it's been years.
01:19:32I'm ready to go to the inspection now.
01:19:34Your vest, sir.
01:19:36But first, we found her fake Christmas wife. She's waiting in the coffee shop. Blonde hair, red top.
01:19:41And, sir, make sure you use an alias. We can't have her know you the Harrison Group CEO or she'll
01:19:47jack up the price.
01:19:48Good. Finally, I can get my mother off my back.
01:19:53Hi. One iced vanilla latte, please.
01:19:56And one hot chocolate.
01:19:59I can't wait to finally meet my new daddy.
01:20:02Now, Auntie Deborah and Pamela can't say I have no daddy anymore.
01:20:08Sweetie, remember, it's just pretend. It's just for Christmas.
01:20:11But, Mommy, why do we have to rent, Daddy? Where's my real one?
01:20:17Uh...
01:20:22I'll tell you when you're older.
01:20:24Sweetie, why don't you go find us a table?
01:20:34Daddy!
01:20:35No!
01:20:36What?
01:20:42Daddy!
01:20:43No!
01:20:44I'm sorry.
01:20:46I'm not your dad.
01:20:47No, I know you're my daddy just as handsome as I have.
01:20:51Oh.
01:20:52Mommy, hurry!
01:20:53Your fake Christmas husband has arrived.
01:20:55Oh, I'm sorry.
01:21:02I asked the agency for an average-looking guy. He's gorgeous.
01:21:12Why does she feel so familiar?
01:21:16She's waiting in the coffee shop. Blonde hair, red top.
01:21:19You must be my new Christmas husband.
01:21:22So, you're my new Christmas wife?
01:21:24See, I knew you were the new daddy we had, right?
01:21:27Hi, my name's Hyper. What's your name?
01:21:30Sam didn't say anything about a kid.
01:21:32Max, Aurelius.
01:21:34Eva.
01:21:35I think we should probably sit and discuss the details of this fake marriage.
01:21:39I just need a wife for the holidays.
01:21:42I guess Mom gets her grandkid, too.
01:21:46So, per our agreement, the rate is $1,000 per hour, and...
01:21:52$1,000 an hour?
01:21:53Well, yeah.
01:21:55It's $500 a day.
01:21:57Is that enough?
01:21:58That's the most that I can pay you.
01:22:00Wait, you're paying me $500 a day?
01:22:02That's what I agreed with the agency.
01:22:04You'll make your thousands over the week.
01:22:06Look, my requirements are simple, okay?
01:22:08Play my pretend husband, come with me to my hometown, and we all pretend to be one big happy family.
01:22:13And then my family will get off my back, so Piper can have a good Christmas for once.
01:22:20So she's getting pressure from her folks, too.
01:22:23Fine.
01:22:24But you have to help me get my mom off my case, too.
01:22:28Okay.
01:22:29Deal.
01:22:32Ready to go get married?
01:22:34Whoo through walked back?
01:22:34Anything, Ellen, Virginia?
01:22:47Wow.
01:22:48Cleaned up nice.
01:22:50It was my wedding day after all.
01:22:51I got pictures.
01:23:00Y'all guys are supposed to look like you're in love.
01:23:26Okay, well I think we got it.
01:23:28Ooh, I need some photos of us together too.
01:23:32To prove to my parents that I'm actually married and have a happy family.
01:23:36Yeah, of course.
01:23:47Happy holidays, Mom.
01:23:49From my family to you.
01:23:59Bad news, boss.
01:24:00The agency said that the girl that they recruited to be your fake wife bailed last minute.
01:24:04Wait, she bailed?
01:24:05Then who is...
01:24:09Who is she?
01:24:11Whatever.
01:24:12It doesn't matter.
01:24:14I've got what I need.
01:24:18Sam, don't worry about it.
01:24:19I already found someone.
01:24:25Okay, well, I think it's time for us to go.
01:24:29Christmas shopping waits for no one.
01:24:30Christmas shopping.
01:24:32I should come.
01:24:34Look, if you want me to be the husband in this fake it to your family plan, I think I
01:24:38should
01:24:38have some say in the gifts.
01:24:40It will make it more believable.
01:24:45Fine.
01:24:45Yeah, fine.
01:24:46Okay.
01:24:47You can come.
01:24:55Let's go.
01:24:56Which mall are we going to?
01:24:58Um, let's go to that one.
01:24:59Oh, let's go to the bank.
01:25:04Oh, what the actual fuck?
01:25:11Sam, is Maximus pulling another one of his goddamn elaborate pranks again?
01:25:16Sam, get me a DNA test for that little girl that he's with.
01:25:23She does kind of look like him.
01:25:28So when we give these gifts to my parents, we will say they're from you.
01:25:33Geez.
01:25:33Here, let me get this.
01:25:36They're gonna love you, Max.
01:25:38Oh, so I was, uh, thinking that since we're married, we should probably kiss once or twice
01:25:49in front of them.
01:25:50Okay.
01:25:51Should we use our tongues or?
01:25:53No.
01:25:54No, definitely not.
01:25:55And absolutely no.
01:25:56Sex?
01:25:57Yes.
01:25:59Strictly business.
01:26:01Anything physical outside of that is not happening.
01:26:04What?
01:26:06Afraid you'll fall for me?
01:26:09I just don't want Piper to have messy complications getting in the way of her having a good Christmas.
01:26:15Let's go.
01:26:22Here.
01:26:23What are you doing?
01:26:24I'd never let my woman pick up the tab.
01:26:35Well, once again.
01:26:36Tentile business.
01:26:36I'm santa.
01:26:37There.
01:26:37Here.
01:26:37You
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