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00:00:20My dad was making a sandwich in the kitchen.
00:00:26He toasted the bread over the stovetop.
00:00:30Mustard, mayonnaise, chicken, no lettuce.
00:00:36He closed the sandwich and walked with it into the living room.
00:00:42He turned on the television and watched, standing up, eating his sandwich.
00:00:50He ate every bite except the corner of one crust.
00:00:56He set it almost gently down on the table, in front of the TV.
00:01:02He dusted his hands, freeing himself from crumbs, and walked out the front door.
00:01:12That was the last time I saw him.
00:01:15I was three.
00:01:27Toothbrush.
00:01:28Foam.
00:01:29Three books.
00:01:35Five pairs of underwear, two pairs of shoes, one lipstick, one mascara.
00:01:40The only three photos I have from my father.
00:01:49One sweater, one coat, two bras, sunglasses, no hat.
00:01:58Wallet.
00:01:59Sleeping pills.
00:02:02Ladies and gentlemen, all inbound in the cabin lights.
00:02:05You restrained, please.
00:02:06Screen and lights.
00:02:06The panel's above you, thank you.
00:02:10Last known address.
00:02:13Three pairs of socks.
00:02:15One skirt.
00:02:15One skirt.
00:02:16One skirt.
00:02:21I've been waiting to do this my whole life.
00:02:28One skirt.
00:02:29One skirt.
00:02:31One skirt.
00:02:41One skirt.
00:02:42I don't know.
00:03:40So, let's get started.
00:03:56Crab.
00:04:24I'm going to put it in the water.
00:04:25I'm going to put some of the sauce on the top.
00:04:27It's about 5 minutes.
00:04:27It's about 10 minutes.
00:04:27I'll make the sauce.
00:04:28It stops.
00:04:32so
00:08:04And I've come here.
00:08:06I don't know what I'm doing.
00:08:08I don't know what I'm chasing.
00:08:11I mean, I've lived all this time without talking to my dad.
00:08:15I don't know what I'm doing.
00:08:45I don't know what I'm doing.
00:09:38I love the light.
00:09:42And the table.
00:09:46And the view.
00:09:50Yeah.
00:09:52You just don't get that in London.
00:09:54I guess, no.
00:09:56They're open.
00:10:00It's so open.
00:10:02It's so, yeah, it's lovely.
00:10:06When I lived in Northern California, I thought L.A. was the pits.
00:10:11You know, and then I moved down here and it was a revelation.
00:10:19Anything you want to do, you can do in L.A. somewhere.
00:10:26What do you think I should do while I'm here?
00:10:28Go to the beach.
00:10:35It was 20 years ago.
00:10:38He and the family had been here for dinner and then the next thing we knew, he was gone.
00:10:46He had just deserted them.
00:10:49We really didn't want to stay in touch with John because we felt he was not a very good man.
00:11:02I know that you don't know where John is.
00:11:08But I've come here today because I'm hoping that you'll be able to give me Ethel's address so that I
00:11:14can get in touch with her.
00:11:18Maybe she knows.
00:11:46Maybe she knows.
00:11:58Maybe she knows.
00:12:02But maybe she knows.
00:12:06Maybe she knows.
00:12:10Maybe she knows.
00:12:11I don't know.
00:12:43Oh!
00:17:00That's really fucking nice.
00:17:08I can't, I can't do it on my own and I need your help.
00:17:12I can't do it on my own and I need your help.
00:17:14I'm sorry.
00:17:17I love you.
00:17:18I love you.
00:17:46I love you.
00:17:48I can't do it on my own and I need your help.
00:18:34Hey, this is her.
00:18:35Hey.
00:18:36There she is.
00:18:37There she is.
00:18:38Hey.
00:18:39How's it going?
00:18:40Yeah.
00:18:41Hey, this is Matt.
00:18:41How are you?
00:18:42I brought a friend.
00:18:44This is America.
00:18:45We do things.
00:18:45We do.
00:18:47Everything's bigger.
00:18:48Yeah.
00:18:48Twice the size.
00:18:52Yeah.
00:18:53We brought some beer.
00:18:54We brought some beer.
00:18:54Yeah.
00:18:55Yeah.
00:18:56What's your name again?
00:18:57Matt.
00:18:58Yeah.
00:18:59Yeah, we've known each other a while.
00:19:01Oh, is it up there?
00:19:02Yeah, yeah.
00:19:03Right.
00:19:04Yeah.
00:19:05Yeah.
00:19:05Whatever.
00:19:05I said it would be okay.
00:19:07Yeah.
00:19:08Yeah.
00:19:09Right?
00:19:12It's okay if I'm here, right?
00:19:14Yeah.
00:19:14I'm just going to hang out.
00:19:15If it wasn't okay, I would have told you to.
00:19:17No, you would.
00:19:17Yeah.
00:19:18She's straight forward.
00:19:19Yeah.
00:19:20Yeah.
00:19:22She's like no bullshit.
00:19:23Yeah.
00:19:23She throws it back on you.
00:19:24Yeah.
00:19:24Yeah, I like that.
00:19:25Yeah.
00:19:26You like that?
00:19:27I do like that.
00:19:28Because the girls over here, sometimes you don't really know what they're thinking.
00:19:31But with this one.
00:19:31Yeah.
00:19:32She thinks that and she says that.
00:19:33Sit down.
00:19:35Yeah.
00:19:35Yeah.
00:19:36Yeah.
00:19:36Sit down, Matt.
00:19:38So you pay by the week?
00:19:39You pay by the hour?
00:19:41By the day?
00:19:42Yeah.
00:19:47Here?
00:19:49Yeah.
00:19:49Right here.
00:19:50Right there.
00:19:50Yeah.
00:19:51That's a lot.
00:19:52Does it feel good?
00:19:53Yeah, it's all right.
00:19:53Yeah.
00:19:54Is this what you had in mind?
00:19:57Yeah, I guess.
00:20:01Is this what you had in mind?
00:20:03Yeah.
00:20:03I was worried when we knocked off the car.
00:20:05What about you?
00:20:05Yeah.
00:20:05I didn't think she was going to be here.
00:20:06No.
00:20:07Yeah.
00:20:07This is great.
00:20:08This is great.
00:20:09You got too many clothes on.
00:20:10Yeah.
00:20:11I don't know why you're wearing it.
00:20:12I guess these are...
00:20:13What are those?
00:20:14Are these uncomfortable?
00:20:15You want to take these off?
00:20:16No, they're fine.
00:20:17They're all right.
00:20:18Yeah.
00:20:18They're all right.
00:20:19I know, right?
00:20:21Yeah.
00:20:22That's great.
00:20:23Yeah.
00:20:23Right.
00:20:25Hello.
00:20:28Can I take this zipper down?
00:20:30Yeah.
00:20:56David would pick the pub and text me the address.
00:21:04I loved the moment when he saw me come in the door.
00:21:08I wasn't me.
00:21:10I was a prostitute.
00:21:11And he was some lonely, drunk guy.
00:21:17I'd had a few shitty tricks that day and was looking for someone who wouldn't just come on my face.
00:21:24He'd seem nice, but also like he could shove his fingers up my ass while he fucked me.
00:21:30Maybe pull my hair just a bit too hard.
00:21:33I'd walk straight up to him at the bar and slide my leg over his so my cunt was pushing
00:21:40into his thigh and tell him if he made me come, I wouldn't charge him.
00:21:47That was our favorite role play.
00:21:50100% success rate.
00:21:53But I always thought, what if I really did that?
00:21:59Could I do that?
00:22:01Would I still be me if I did that?
00:22:06But as it turns out, the strangeness is not what made it hot.
00:22:15It was the familiarity.
00:22:19I always learn these lessons too late.
00:22:42Well.
00:22:56I don't know what to do.
00:22:57It says there was no subject to fear and fear, anyway.
00:22:57Except that I took my fat all the time.
00:22:58Again kam Er janelle athlete, you know,rian king.
00:23:143
00:23:16I don't know.
00:23:46I don't know.
00:24:16I don't know.
00:24:43I don't know.
00:24:46Hey.
00:24:47Hi.
00:24:47I'm sorry.
00:24:48I just wanted to bring in these for Tanya's mum, for Ethel.
00:24:52I've just brought...
00:24:52Are you gross, please?
00:24:55Okay.
00:24:56Come on back.
00:25:00Set them right here.
00:25:06Show me.
00:25:12Who are you?
00:25:14Just a friend of Tanya's.
00:25:19Tanya ordered these from you?
00:25:32You're a friend of Tanya's.
00:25:40I knew it.
00:25:43You're fucking Tanya.
00:25:47You're fucking Tanya.
00:25:49You're fucking Tanya.
00:25:50Fucking bitch.
00:25:54no no no no you're not fucking you're not fucking Tanya don't fucking lie to me
00:25:59what do you want me to say I just want you to say the truth I just want you to
00:26:03say the truth in your little British accent
00:26:11I'm her sister
00:26:18fuck
00:26:39what
00:26:42thanks
00:26:52Can I see Ethel?
00:26:56Yeah.
00:26:57She's just right through here.
00:27:04Go in.
00:27:14Go in.
00:27:47Go in.
00:28:14Go in.
00:28:15Go in.
00:28:17Go in.
00:28:18Go in.
00:28:32Go in.
00:28:41Go in.
00:28:43Go in.
00:28:54Go in.
00:28:55Go in.
00:29:02Go in.
00:29:04Go in.
00:29:15Go in.
00:29:17Go in.
00:29:21Go in.
00:29:26Go in.
00:29:44Go in.
00:29:47Go in.
00:29:56Go in.
00:29:56Go in.
00:30:24Go in.
00:30:35Go in.
00:30:38Go in.
00:30:42Go in.
00:30:46Go in.
00:30:49Go in.
00:31:01Go in.
00:31:03Go in.
00:31:03Go in.
00:31:04Go in.
00:31:07Go in.
00:31:27Go in.
00:31:31Go in.
00:31:35Go in.
00:31:38Go in.
00:31:40Go in.
00:31:42Go in.
00:31:46Go in.
00:31:50Go in.
00:31:53Go in.
00:31:55Go in.
00:32:15Let it out, let it out slow. Let me see, let me see how high you can breathe in. What
00:32:25are you doing? You have to breathe in. Let it out slowly. Okay, one more time. No, give me deep
00:32:33breath. That's not very good. Here's that number. If you have something to write this down. I have my phone.
00:32:43Okay, thank you so much.
00:32:45Come on.
00:33:15Remember that means I'm your daughter. I'm calling because I'm in Los Angeles and I'd like to see you, to
00:33:23meet you, so please call me back.
00:33:27Okay. That's all. Bye.
00:33:42Bye.
00:33:46Hey buddy, I'm going to set you down.
00:33:50I'm going to get you out.
00:34:03What do you got there?
00:34:05Can I see it?
00:34:07Does that look sharp?
00:34:12It's so cool.
00:34:15Look!
00:34:16Look!
00:34:16Look out!
00:34:27Let's pray.
00:34:58I don't know.
00:35:51I don't know.
00:36:25I don't know.
00:36:26see her much though. This is right before he left. My mum sort of fell apart after that.
00:36:39I don't think she ever really took to motherhood.
00:36:47And there he is.
00:37:19Hi.
00:37:24Are you Lexi?
00:37:27Yeah.
00:37:29Tonya.
00:37:30Yeah.
00:37:39I've been spending a lot of time at my house.
00:37:43It's a little weird to come home to somebody in my kitchen.
00:37:48Yeah, I can see that.
00:37:51It would have been nice if you'd introduce yourself to me.
00:37:57Of course.
00:37:58Ask permission if you could be spending every day in my house while I'm at work.
00:38:01Yeah.
00:38:02Rather than sneaking behind my back.
00:38:07Yeah.
00:38:10Sorry.
00:38:11Do you get what you came for?
00:38:17Well, I assume you came for something, so what do you want?
00:38:22You know what I want.
00:38:24You said you wanted to meet me.
00:38:25Here I am.
00:38:25I mean, you got what you came for.
00:38:27I don't know what you want from me.
00:38:33I don't even think that you should be here.
00:38:34I think you should get your stuff and then you can be on your way.
00:38:41Really?
00:38:43I can be on my way.
00:38:49I can be on my way.
00:38:53I'm your sister.
00:38:55I'm your sister.
00:38:57Did you know I existed?
00:39:01Did you know you had a sister?
00:39:13You knew that I existed.
00:39:15You knew that I was over there.
00:39:19You knew that I was there with my mum, looking after me without my dad.
00:39:23You knew that.
00:39:24And you didn't get in touch with me.
00:39:26You didn't write me a letter.
00:39:27You left me to come over here to find you.
00:39:29I was a fucking kid.
00:39:30You were not a part of my childhood.
00:39:32You were not a part of my existence.
00:39:33And I clearly have my fucking hands full.
00:39:40Is that really all you've got to say to me?
00:39:44I mean, what?
00:39:45How difficult can it be?
00:39:46He said that he had no contact with you.
00:39:48That your mum just took you and left.
00:39:49And that we didn't have any idea.
00:39:50I didn't know anything about you or where you were.
00:39:53All I want to do is fucking meet you and talk to you.
00:39:56All I want to do is try to speak to you.
00:40:00All I've been trying to do for the last fucking month, pretty much,
00:40:03is look for you and look for my father and look for my fucking family.
00:40:08No, let's just brush her under the fucking carpet like the saints have been having
00:40:11for the last 40 years.
00:40:14I'm the one who's traveled here.
00:40:16I'm the one who's come all this way.
00:40:18I'm the one that was over there while your dad was just having fun over here
00:40:22with your mum and taking you all out of the fucking shop or whatever you were doing.
00:40:26You're being subversive and sneaking into my house when I'm not here.
00:40:29Then you come to tell me that my life was so much better than yours
00:40:32and you just want to cry in front of me and tell me that you had a shit life
00:40:36and I had a good life.
00:40:37That's not how it was.
00:40:38That's not how it worked out.
00:40:40That's really what I'm saying.
00:40:41That's really what I'm saying.
00:40:41That's really what I'm saying to do.
00:40:43And I think you should leave.
00:40:45I don't think that you should be here.
00:40:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
00:40:48I don't think that you should be here.
00:40:51I'm not exactly proud of myself.
00:41:00But I did try.
00:41:02You can say that for me.
00:41:07And now I've fucked it up.
00:41:13Because you just want to fucking get rid of me.
00:41:17I'll just be honest.
00:41:20Yeah.
00:41:24Oh, God.
00:41:30Shh.
00:41:50That light now.
00:42:09Yeah, that's why I don't open my mouth.
00:42:15Oh God.
00:42:24When you say goodbye to Ethel for me, because I don't want that to be the last thing she
00:42:32hears.
00:43:01It's not my mind, but I don't want that to be the last thing she wants.
00:43:02I don't want that to be the last thing.
00:43:06Oh, shit.
00:43:25This is John.
00:43:27Um, yeah, we can meet, certainly.
00:43:32That would be great.
00:43:33I'm working in L.A.
00:43:35I can text you the address, if you like,
00:43:40and, um, yeah, let's get together.
00:43:43Okay.
00:43:44Look forward to it.
00:43:46Cheers.
00:43:51I see him before he sees me.
00:43:57I panic a bit because he's smaller than I thought he'd be.
00:44:02I'm about to run when he lifts his head and sees me.
00:44:08And he can't stop the huge smile that comes to his face.
00:44:13Same with the tears that fill his eyes.
00:44:16I walk slowly towards him and we're speechless, but it doesn't matter.
00:44:23He pulls me into a hug and I feel it.
00:44:25This is my father.
00:44:27He loves me.
00:44:27It doesn't matter all the years.
00:44:28He didn't contact me.
00:44:29He's loved me all along.
00:44:31He says,
00:44:33I want to take you somewhere special.
00:44:36And we get in his car.
00:44:38And I know that I'm safe.
00:44:40He'll take care of me.
00:44:42He talks about making up for lost time,
00:44:44all the things he wished he'd seen me do.
00:44:47I watch him closely.
00:44:48I see his face in mine.
00:44:50Everything bad just floats out the window.
00:44:55He's driving me home.
00:44:56He's driving me home.
00:45:27He's driving me home.
00:46:26He's driving me home.
00:46:26Let's go.
00:47:23Let's go.
00:47:26How are you coming?
00:47:27It's alright.
00:47:29You alright?
00:47:32I'm alright.
00:47:33Have a good trip?
00:47:35It was alright.
00:47:40You work here?
00:47:41This is your place?
00:47:42Yeah, we're knocking this place down, just moving this steel. The folks are coming to get it in a bit.
00:47:56Sorry.
00:47:57Well, it was a surprise to hear your call, that's for sure.
00:48:04Have you got anything you want to say to me?
00:48:08Nice to see you. You look like your mother.
00:48:10Nice to see you.
00:48:12Yeah, people say that I look like my mother.
00:48:14How is she?
00:48:14I'm sorry.
00:48:15She's dead.
00:48:16I'm sorry.
00:48:18Did you see this happen?
00:48:20Yeah.
00:48:24Talk to me, what's up?
00:48:26I don't know.
00:48:28How long have you got?
00:48:30How long have I got for what?
00:48:32To talk.
00:48:33Well, I've got to get this shit moved. I've got a bloke coming for this steel in about half an
00:48:36hour, so...
00:48:38Half an hour?
00:48:40You know, I had no idea you were coming.
00:48:42Well, you did. I called you.
00:48:43Yeah, but I've got to work.
00:48:46What do you want? Just tell me what you want to make.
00:48:48I wanted to meet you. I wanted to meet you.
00:48:49Well, now you've met me.
00:48:50No, I haven't.
00:48:53I thought maybe you might start something.
00:48:55Alright, so what do you do for a living? Let's start there.
00:48:58Um...
00:48:59I work in theatre.
00:49:00Doing what?
00:49:00I work in theatre design. What do you do for a living?
00:49:03What does it look like?
00:49:05Yeah, right.
00:49:05I'm a brain surgeon.
00:49:07I'm doing a bit of construction on the side.
00:49:13Well, I don't know, do I?
00:49:15Well, it's pretty apparent, I think.
00:49:17But it is now, but I didn't know.
00:49:18Okay, okay.
00:49:20Just show up in my life and I'm, what, I'm going to drop you at all?
00:49:23I didn't just show up in your life.
00:49:25Yeah, you did.
00:49:25You had a child.
00:49:27That was a long time ago.
00:49:28Look.
00:49:30I've come a long way.
00:49:32I wanted to see you.
00:49:34And I just thought that maybe you might be able to explain to me
00:49:39why you haven't been in touch throughout my whole life.
00:49:43I left.
00:49:44What can I tell you?
00:49:48Yeah.
00:49:48You could have asked about me.
00:49:50You could have left me your phone number.
00:49:51You could have at least found a way to leave me a way to get in touch with you
00:49:54without having to fucking go around all your fucking second family.
00:49:57I just wanted to talk to you.
00:49:58Well, now you're talking to me.
00:49:59Or should I say yelling?
00:50:02I'm not yelling.
00:50:03I'm just trying to have a conversation.
00:50:06Yeah.
00:50:08Anything else?
00:50:15Do you like yourself?
00:50:19That's not a question you should ask me.
00:50:21I'm interested.
00:50:23Yeah, I'm fine.
00:50:24Nothing wrong with me.
00:50:26Probably not in your eyes, but I'm fine.
00:50:29I'm fine.
00:50:35Come on, listen.
00:50:36I've got this boat coming, like I say, so I've got to get this stuff out of here.
00:50:40Sure.
00:50:41All right.
00:50:44Anyway, I'm glad you came by.
00:50:46Really?
00:50:47Yeah.
00:50:49I'm not so sure.
00:50:50Anyway.
00:50:52Give us a call.
00:50:54All right?
00:50:55Yeah.
00:50:59See ya.
00:51:29Bye.
00:51:31Bye.
00:51:39Bye.
00:51:59Bye.
00:52:16Bye.
00:52:20Bye.
00:52:23Bye.
00:52:24Bye.
00:52:26that we may roam or wherever we may want to be ourselves.
00:52:30Maybe.
00:52:31For single-mindedness is all powerful to be.
00:52:34Yeah, for sure.
00:52:36For sure.
00:52:44You know there's carbon 14 and everything?
00:52:48When the computer tries to read it,
00:52:51everything has too many neutrons in it.
00:52:54It makes you sick.
00:52:57I got this song I wrote called,
00:53:00This Is How You Make Me Feel.
00:53:02It goes like this.
00:53:03This is how you make me feel.
00:53:06When life gets tough, you keep it real.
00:53:08Love is enough to close this deal.
00:53:11I need you to trust my heart's so real.
00:53:13This is how you make me feel.
00:53:18This is how you make me feel.
00:53:22Where's your lights?
00:53:24Five, six, seven, and there's a break.
00:53:29It goes now.
00:53:31Oh, there we go.
00:53:34One, one, two, three.
00:53:37Oh, there's a broken gate.
00:54:09Transcription by CastingWords
00:54:23CastingWords
00:54:51CastingWords
00:54:57CastingWords
00:54:58CastingWords
00:55:01CastingWords
00:55:02I don't know.
00:55:47Do you want to come in?
00:56:03Sorry, I can't make it off you much, but I've got some water if you want for you.
00:56:11Okay.
00:56:21Ethel died two days ago.
00:56:38I'm so sorry.
00:57:06I'm so sorry.
00:57:10I look towards him and we're speechless.
00:57:14He pulls me into a hug and I feel it.
00:57:18This is my father.
00:57:23I see his face in mine.
00:57:28And we get in this car and I know that I'm safe.
00:57:34Everything bad just floats out the window.
00:57:43Do you think we look at all alike?
00:57:50I think here we do.
00:57:53Yeah.
00:57:53Yeah.
00:57:54It's a big square.
00:57:55Yeah.
00:57:55Yeah.
00:57:57Yeah.
00:57:58Yeah.
00:58:09Yeah.
00:58:10Yeah.
00:58:16Yeah.
00:58:23Yeah.
00:58:26Yeah.
00:58:28Yeah.
00:58:28Yeah.
00:58:32Uh.
00:58:33Yeah.
00:58:38Mm-hmm.
00:58:40I'm going to put it in a little bit.
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