- 2 days ago
Family Guy S24E12
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TVTranscript
00:14¡Gracias!
00:36My apologies, Mr. Griffin.
00:37Dr. Hartman is still with a patient
00:39and definitely not playing rock band
00:41through the paper-thin walls of his office right now.
00:44Well, I'm here
00:46to remind you
00:48of the mess.
00:50Watch out for the plug. Watch out for the plug.
00:52Oh, you dope.
00:55Sorry, I was with a very sick patient.
00:57You're still wearing the guitar.
00:59Oops, my bad.
01:00Let's keep that off the Yelp, huh?
01:02So, you're here for a physical.
01:03I'll start with a few questions.
01:05How many drinks would you say you have per week?
01:07Four.
01:08Oh.
01:08Hundred.
01:09Oh.
01:09Fifty.
01:10Okay, you need to talk faster.
01:11Now, I'm going to show you a list of the top ten songs on Spotify.
01:15Tell me how many of these artists or songs you recognize.
01:18None.
01:18Oh, wait, no, I know her.
01:20Do-do-do-do-lingo.
01:23Not sure we can accept that.
01:24Let's go to the Gen Z judge
01:25who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media.
01:29Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond?
01:33Well, he's busy being sad about almonds.
01:35However, I can say that given your age
01:37and embarrassing lack of pop culture knowledge,
01:40it's time I schedule you for your first colonoscopy.
01:42What the hell is that?
01:43Here's a video of a plumber from Southie
01:45describing the whole thing.
01:46So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose.
01:49Look, I know it sounds gay, but it ain't.
01:51It's a real medical procedure.
01:52It's not gay.
01:53You ever had one?
01:54Nah, what am I, gay?
02:01What's all that stuff?
02:02Oh, just some forms.
02:03We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter
02:05and I need mom to chaperone.
02:06You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal shelter
02:09and you're not asking me?
02:10Why?
02:11So you can taunt all the German shepherds behind bars?
02:14I wouldn't do that.
02:15Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging?
02:18Damn.
02:19Look, all I'm saying is I could provide hope
02:21to those dogs in there who've given up
02:22by telling them my story.
02:24A story of inspiration.
02:25A story of will.
02:27A story of triumph.
02:28You were picked up on the side of the road
02:30like a runaway hooker.
02:31A story of doing hand stuff for drugs.
02:39I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now.
02:41Yep. My barber said I'm overdue for mine.
02:44You mean your doctor?
02:45Nope. Barber.
02:47Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers
02:49and their haircut advice from their doctors.
02:51We're all just one guy off.
02:53Boy, what happened to the days
02:55when men just ignored months of bloody toilet water
02:58and slowly withered away
02:59to die a costly and unnecessary death?
03:02You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off
03:04is because deep down we're scared.
03:06And maybe we'll feel better
03:07if we just talk about what we're scared of.
03:09All right, I'll go first.
03:10I'm mostly scared of someone
03:12seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener.
03:14That's what I'm scared of, too.
03:16What if there was a way
03:17to make the colonoscopy process less scary?
03:19Like, what if we rented a cabin
03:21and did the prep night together
03:22so we could be there to support one another?
03:25All right, that would make it easier.
03:26I'd do it.
03:27I'd be into that.
03:28Great. Cleveland?
03:29Yeah, Devontae said it's cool.
03:31I'm assuming Devontae is your...
03:33Devontae is my barber, yes.
03:38Hi, kids. I'm Sophie.
03:40Welcome to the animal shelter
03:42where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio
03:44is always one to one.
03:46So let's meet some...
03:47Hi, Sophie. Brian Griffin,
03:48dog who's also pretty much a guy.
03:50I'll take it from here.
03:51Fellow canines, my name is Brian Griffin.
03:53And before I tell you my story,
03:55I want to hear yours.
03:56Now, how many of you were returned
03:58by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?
04:02Well, I'm here to say
04:03that no matter how pathetic
04:04that bitch Sarah McLachlan
04:06is making you all look in those commercials,
04:08there is hope.
04:09And I am living proof of that.
04:10Everyone moved on to the cat section
04:12three seconds into whatever that was.
04:14Wait, they have cats here?
04:15Oh, I will not be around cats!
04:17It's an animal shelter.
04:18They've got everything.
04:19They even have Diddy's pit bull.
04:21Just let me outside.
04:22I'll play in the yard.
04:23I won't look.
04:24I won't tell nobody nothing.
04:28Come on, Brian.
04:30Even you have to admit
04:31these guys are pretty cute.
04:32Oh, cats are terrible, selfish creatures.
04:35I mean, who poops inside?
04:38Oh, my God, get her off!
04:39Get her off!
04:39Get her off!
04:40Rrrr!
04:41Rrrr!
04:41Rrrr!
04:42Rrrr!
04:43Rrrr!
04:43Rrrr!
04:44Rrrr!
04:44Rrrr!
04:45Huh.
04:47I guess that is kind of cute.
04:49You know, maybe I was wrong about cats.
04:51Okay, kids.
04:52It's time to see where we keep
04:56ready for a Rob Schneider until they get one home.
04:59Come on, Brian.
05:00We've got to go.
05:00All right.
05:01Let me just take this guy off my...
05:08What are you doing?
05:09You're going to kill him!
05:10Drop it!
05:11Drop it now!
05:15What happened?
05:15I blacked out.
05:16You killed a kitten, you monster!
05:18I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here,
05:21and we're going to be in so much trouble!
05:23All right, listen.
05:23We can't just leave the dead kitten in here.
05:25Okay, let me think.
05:26Well, there's got to be a dumpster out back.
05:28We could just put it in there.
05:29I don't think we have another choice.
05:30You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil
05:33and wake up back at home.
05:35I thought you said you were going to keep your mouth shut.
05:41Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning,
05:43so I'm going to go mix up some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails.
05:47I made a killer diarrhea playlist.
05:49Boy, you guys are going to lose it when we're five hours in
05:52and Natalie Imbruglia's torn comes on.
05:55You got Diana Ross's I'm Coming Out on there?
05:57This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay, pal?
06:01Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails.
06:05Joe, here's your bum and coke.
06:06Peter, you get a pina colonata.
06:09And Cleveland gets a gin and deuce.
06:11Laid back.
06:12And I made myself a coiler maker.
06:14Bottoms up!
06:15And then in 45 minutes, Bottoms very much down.
06:23Oh, my God!
06:25Now, I assume that a single-room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms?
06:28Well, technically it has one three-quarter bath.
06:31So there's not even a tub?
06:32I call the shower.
06:33Why wouldn't you call the toilet first?
06:35I don't have time to argue with you.
06:36I'll be in the shower.
06:37I'll call the toilet.
06:38I'm bagged and ready to go 24-7.
06:41Fine, I'll figure it out.
06:42Who's blue luggage is this?
06:44Peter, no.
06:45That's my Away brand luggage.
06:46I get compliments on that.
06:53You guys look high as balls.
06:55Anyway, time for your results.
06:56Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear.
07:00Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large.
07:03Was it my penis?
07:04It was definitely not your penis, although your butt is gigantic.
07:08What we found was this.
07:12Oh, my God!
07:13My childhood G.I. Joe!
07:15That was inside his colon?
07:17Yep, I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind.
07:21Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars.
07:25He was kind of like the scout.
07:26Did you happen to see anything like that?
07:28Oh, never mind.
07:29I think they just came out of the mess hall.
07:36Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon?
07:39I was a kid.
07:40If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft.
07:44You ate a G.I. Joe?
07:45Oh, are we going to play this game, Quagmire?
07:47Are we going to play the How Did Objects Get Inside of You game?
07:51Withdrawn.
07:52Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G.I. Joe scout with binoculars,
07:56and it says it's worth $100,000.
07:59What?
08:00Oh, wow.
08:01Let me see that.
08:04Holy crap, it does say that.
08:06Wait, I mean your phone as white number three?
08:09What am I listed as in your phone?
08:11Withdrawn.
08:16I still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten.
08:18You don't think that shelter has cameras, do you?
08:20There was one water bowl for 40 dogs.
08:23I don't think they have money for cameras.
08:24Well, as long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine.
08:27Yes, as long as I don't talk, we'll be fine.
08:29What's that supposed to mean?
08:30I'm just saying my silence comes at a price.
08:32And that price is the cost of an annual membership at the Soho House Malibu.
08:36What?
08:37That's the most expensive Soho House.
08:39Fine.
08:39Then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week.
08:42And I refuse to sit next to any of the Hadids.
08:44I will get you a sticker book of Bluey.
08:47You, sir, have my silence.
08:53Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt away from the onion rings we're all eating?
08:57Sorry.
08:58So, what do you guys think I should do with the hundred grand I'll make from selling this thing?
09:02What do you mean?
09:03We're splitting it.
09:04Yeah, we each get a share of that.
09:05I never said I'd split it.
09:06He was inside me.
09:07I was the one who spent decades carrying him to term.
09:10You wouldn't even have gotten the colonoscopy if it wasn't for us.
09:13I'm not giving you guys my money.
09:15We can't let him get away with this.
09:17I agree with white number two.
09:23Hey, check it out.
09:24Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now.
09:27Howdy, TikTok.
09:28I'm Mayor Wild West, here today with a hat-over-my-heart press conference.
09:33See, my sweet feline companion, Meowr West, has gone missing.
09:40I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility.
09:44But when I went to pick him up, he was gone, possibly kidnapped.
09:49Well, when I find out who took him, I will personally pursue the harshest punishment allowed by law.
09:55Thank you, TikTok.
09:57Now, enjoy the vicious comments on the post of an overweight girl who's clearly struggling.
10:03So, AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked.
10:19Oh, my God.
10:20I killed Mayor Wild West's cat.
10:22Oh, this is bad, Brian, very bad.
10:24You've got to get out of town.
10:25Luckily, I've got a go bag so I can leave at a moment's notice.
10:28Here, you take it.
10:30What's this?
10:31That's a European adapter for my Corn Air hair dryer.
10:34I think you're going to need that.
10:36Four pairs of boots?
10:38I don't know who's going to see me twice.
10:45You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy get in the way of your friendship with
10:49the guys, Peter.
10:51So?
10:51You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years after she got the same haircut as you.
10:55Well, that's different.
10:56Bonnie's a bitch.
10:57I'm just saying, think of all the great times you've had with the guys.
11:01And you're going to give it up for what?
11:03Forty, fifty bucks?
11:04Fifty bucks?
11:05Lois, this thing's worth a hundred thousand dollars.
11:07Wow, Dad's right.
11:09I just Googled it.
11:10What?
11:11Let me see that.
11:12Oh my God, Peter.
11:14We're going to be rich.
11:15Okay, forget everything I just said.
11:17Screw those guys.
11:18Your butt stuff belongs to us.
11:20I get it.
11:22Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?
11:24Yeah.
11:24You've been served.
11:27Those bastards are actually suing me for their share of the GI Joe.
11:31Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick?
11:33Yes.
11:33I'm here to serve you.
11:35Wait, I just served him.
11:36Get out of here, you're lying.
11:38No, I swear to God, sir, what did I just do?
11:40He served me.
11:41Hey, I'm just going to go out on a limb here, but are you ambisexual?
11:45I am.
11:45Would you like to have a drink and see if we can rub our way to a little gene smoke?
11:50Love to.
11:52I guess it's true what they say.
11:54Every pot has a lid.
11:56Boy, they fogged up that Ultima real quick.
12:04Oh, what's going on?
12:06Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court.
12:09Yeah, I read that letter.
12:11They're taking him to arbitration, not court.
12:13What?
12:14Really?
12:14Yeah.
12:15And if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my services.
12:18I've spent months studying anal salvage law.
12:21You has?
12:22It started out as a fun personal project, but then I kind of fell down an internet rabbit hole.
12:28But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago.
12:30Well, that's what we would call a happy coincidence now, isn't it?
12:38Okay, Stewie, run me through the plan one more time.
12:40All right, well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian,
12:43so there's a very good chance she'll have a Meow West lookalike inside.
12:47So I'll distract her here at the front door.
12:49You sneak in through the back and find us a replacement cat.
12:52I don't know.
12:53Me in another room full of cats seems risky.
12:55Oh, that's the risky part?
12:56Not the high-wire improvisational act I'm about to pull off with the librarian.
13:00No, I suppose that's the easy part, right?
13:02Do I need to remind you I'm on the improv theater's house team, Brian?
13:06We had to kick Brad off, by the way.
13:08He did the Chinese voice on stage again.
13:10Ugh, whatever.
13:11I just want this whole thing to be over already.
13:15Hello, I'm an online dating expert,
13:17and I'm giving one lucky person a free Bumble profile makeover.
13:21May I ask how your dating life is going?
13:23Oh, let's just say my dating life's quieter than the place I work.
13:31I work in a library.
13:34No, yeah, I'm aware.
13:35Let's have a look at your profile, shall we?
13:37Oh, sure.
13:38Let me just log in.
13:49All right, here you go.
13:51All right, we'll start with your photos.
13:53We'll lose this one of you pointing at a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's.
13:57We'll also lose this one of you lying with your mother in her hospice bed.
14:01Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to the yard.
14:08Oh, this one of you at the beach is decent.
14:10I mean, we'd have to airbrush out the knee dimples, but this could work.
14:13Let me see if I...
14:14And knee dimples be gone!
14:22Oh, a match!
14:24What?
14:25Let me see that.
14:26A Jewish urologist?
14:28Oh, I love that for you.
14:29Let's look at his profile.
14:32Okay, he's taking a selfie on a bus.
14:35On a public bus.
14:37Let's, um, let's keep looking here.
14:42And I quote,
14:43We are all in this together, no matter what.
14:46That is why my clients deserve their share of the profits, Your Honor.
14:51Thank you, Mr. Baker.
14:52Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's representative, Chris Griffin,
14:57who prepared for this by binge-watching suits,
14:59and then googling Meghan Markle,
15:01and then googling Meghan Markle deepfix.
15:05Thank you, your boner.
15:06If I may direct your attention to Exhibits B through M,
15:10all items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours,
15:14do Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire
15:17also lay claim to this Michelob Ultra key fob?
15:20Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire
15:23feel justified taking home this highlighter cap?
15:26I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire
15:29are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists.
15:33Poop swoopers, as it were.
15:35I've heard more than enough. Case, over.
15:38Over? Who won?
15:40I don't know. Him?
15:41In your face!
15:43You gotta be kidding me!
15:44Yeah, that's not fair!
15:45Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby.
15:50Excuse me, I work for Christie's Auction House,
15:53and we'd love to fetch you top dollar for that G.I. Joe.
15:57Wow! The Christie's Auction House?
15:59No, it's actually Chris Christie's Auction House.
16:03We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys.
16:07We actually have an auction tomorrow we could add you to.
16:11Get there early, though.
16:12We're starting with movie props swallowed by James Spader.
16:17Oh, James Spader is so handsome.
16:19Yes, for a half hour in the late 80s,
16:22he very much was.
16:29All right, Stewie, this is it.
16:31We open the cage, let the new Meowr West in,
16:33and we're out of here.
16:35Ah, damn it!
16:43Oh, Mayor West, good news!
16:45I think we found your missing cat.
16:47It may have had a heart attack
16:49from the excitement of this reunion.
16:51Well, I only have one question.
16:53If that's my cat,
16:54who's sitting over there on my couch?
16:58Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is...
17:01Go, Bag!
17:03I don't understand, but how...
17:04A short-haired, tattooed woman from the shelter
17:07found him in the dumpster left for dead.
17:09Said she saw a dog and a little fella
17:12putting him in there.
17:13I'm so sorry, Mayor West.
17:14I acted on instinct.
17:16I'm just glad he's not dead.
17:17I teach all my cats to play possum,
17:20and I teach all my possums to play horse,
17:22and I teach all my horses to play cat.
17:24Circle of life.
17:27Did you teach that one, too?
17:29He may have seen my online course.
17:31I don't know.
17:32Now, for your punishment.
17:33Oh, no.
17:34I hate measured consequences to my actions.
17:37Six bad boys with very bad boys
17:39sprinkled in to taste.
17:41Six?
17:42That's a death sentence.
17:43Bad boy.
17:44Ow!
17:44Bad boy.
17:45I can't breathe.
17:46Very bad boy.
17:47That's worse.
17:48Bad boy.
17:49I'm low to the ground.
17:50Bad boy.
17:51I can't get any lower.
17:52Very bad boy.
17:53Oh, the shame.
18:01$800, do I hear $900 for the beard Kevin Smith sleep ate off his own face?
18:06Going once, going twice.
18:08Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith, who used to be fat,
18:12and now looks like he was shrunken by a witch's spell.
18:17Next on the auction block, a vintage scout G.I. Joe with binoculars removed from the colon of Peter Griffin.
18:27This is it, Peter.
18:28Yeah, we're going to be rich.
18:30We'll start the bidding at $75,000.
18:33$75,000.
18:34$75,000.
18:35Do I hear $80,000?
18:36$80,000.
18:36It's happening, Peter.
18:38$80,000.
18:39We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence, excluding the food program.
18:49$90,000.
18:50$90,000.
18:51Do I hear $100,000?
18:52$100,000.
18:54Woo!
19:11$100,000 going once, going twice.
19:15Stop the auction.
19:16Peter, what the hell are you doing?
19:22What is he doing?
19:23Saving three friendships.
19:26My name is Peter Griffin, and I've realized that no amount of money is worth more than great friendships.
19:31I guess what I'm saying is, life isn't about the contents of your butt.
19:35It's about the contents of your heart.
19:38I love you guys.
19:47I'm sorry, Lois.
19:48No, I'm the one who's sorry.
19:50No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have.
19:54Although, you could have just taken the money and split it four ways.
19:57But, you made the right decision, Peter, and I'm proud of you.
20:03But this story had an even happier ending, because 39 years later, the guys were all dead, and I pooped
20:10that Joe out again, and I became the oldest freshman at Sarah Lawrence College.
20:15Lois gave me a hall pass, but I failed to achieve arousal when a maybe woman touched my slacks.
20:27I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter.
20:30We won't make the same mistake next time.
20:32Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years.
20:34Maybe we should book that same cabin.
20:37Yeah, not sure that's going to be possible.
20:38The guy was pretty mad.
20:40Made me send my own cleaning lady.
20:45Oh, no, no, no, no.
20:54How's no good?
20:56How's no good?
21:24¡Gracias!
21:29¡Gracias!
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