- 23 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Trending Drama]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:14Five.
00:26:22component of the shuttle servicio.
00:26:24Eight.
00:26:25Eight.
00:26:25offices.
00:26:27Two.
00:26:28Eight.
00:26:39Nine.
00:26:43Two.
00:26:43Tell us a little about yourself, what you did on Earth, and what you want to get out of this
00:26:47trip.
00:26:48Todd Sullivan.
00:26:52My name's Todd.
00:26:53I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves and, uh, fuck name tags.
00:26:58Oh, okay.
00:27:00Well, we don't have to wear them, I guess.
00:27:02But I did stay up all night making everyone individual drawings.
00:27:08Oh, okay.
00:27:09Well, I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games.
00:27:13Okay, Wimmy, did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:16Uh, yeah.
00:27:18Okay, Kyle, now you take a card.
00:27:20Did you return his volley?
00:27:21It says, yeah.
00:27:23Oh, good.
00:27:24Okay, Wimmy, take another card.
00:27:25Did you return the volley?
00:27:27It says I missed.
00:27:28Oh, match point.
00:27:30Kyle, you get a reward card.
00:27:33Now, would you like surprise now or surprise later?
00:27:36Uh, I'll take surprise later.
00:27:39You know, the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more future-y.
00:27:44And tennis-y.
00:27:45Did you make this game, Elrond?
00:27:47Well, if you guys are not feeling it, we could play future badminton, future high-lie, or future darts.
00:27:53Uh, you know, I'm good.
00:27:55I'm gonna go mingle.
00:28:01Hey, Peggy, right?
00:28:03Yes!
00:28:04You know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate, but doesn't all of this
00:28:07seem a little less cool than they made it out to be?
00:28:10I mean, I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.
00:28:12Oh, what did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well, I mean, I was actually supposed to get married today.
00:28:21Wow!
00:28:22Yeah, but I mean, we all have families and friends back on Earth that we just picked up and left
00:28:26for a month.
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30I don't know about that.
00:28:31Sure they will!
00:28:33I just told my friends, gang, I'll be back in a month!
00:28:36And then I left them 20 bowls of food, and I filled the bathtub with milk.
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking!
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here.
00:28:46You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely!
00:28:50Peggy, it's June.
00:28:52That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:56Well, I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink.
00:29:00Yeah?
00:29:01What do you mean?
00:29:02Well, what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three and a half
00:29:05weeks with nothing to drink?
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing.
00:29:10I don't mean anything.
00:29:12Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back.
00:29:18Okay, friends, listen up.
00:29:21Loser!
00:29:22Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
00:29:27Loser!
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis.
00:29:32Now, this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like
00:29:36a two-hour cat nap.
00:29:37Woo!
00:29:38He said cats!
00:29:39Uh, is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:42No.
00:29:42We will each be taking 500 easy-to-swallow pills.
00:29:45Did you say 500?
00:29:53Can we get some more water?
00:29:55Uh, no.
00:29:58Oh, God.
00:30:01Oh, God.
00:30:10Ow!
00:30:11Ow!
00:30:13I slept on my arm weird.
00:30:14Oh, God.
00:30:16Does the aeropet have to fleet it?
00:30:17Oh, my neck.
00:30:20Elrond, I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:24Well, after you guys took all those Ambien...
00:30:26Stop.
00:30:27What?
00:30:28Ambien?
00:30:28We took 500 Ambien?
00:30:31Ha-ha.
00:30:31Pretty cool.
00:30:32Right, Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how Lil' Peep died?
00:30:36Oh, God.
00:30:37Oh, wait.
00:30:38Oh, okay.
00:30:39You're just all gonna take them off?
00:30:40Okay.
00:30:41Oh, hey.
00:30:41Did you guys...
00:30:42Did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says,
00:30:45Welcome to Mars.
00:30:46A place for friends.
00:30:48Oh, that's...
00:30:49Yeah, that's cool, man.
00:30:51As you can see, I drew each one of us.
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here.
00:30:54Todd, what do you think?
00:30:56Uh, it sucks.
00:30:57It's stupid.
00:30:58You're stupid.
00:30:58You suck.
00:30:59Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:31:01Come on, Todd.
00:31:03Oh, here we go.
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen,
00:31:06in a few moments,
00:31:07the airlock door will open
00:31:09and in front of the watching world,
00:31:11we will become the first people
00:31:13to step from this ship
00:31:14and see Mars with our own eyes.
00:31:24Oh!
00:31:25This is incredible.
00:31:34Gather around, gather around.
00:31:36Just want to lay down
00:31:37some ground rules
00:31:38for my fellow Martians.
00:31:40Ooh!
00:31:42Thank you, Jesus.
00:31:43The first and most important rule is...
00:31:45Have fun!
00:31:47Have fun up here, guys.
00:31:48This is your vacation.
00:31:50Mars is for fun.
00:31:52The second rule is
00:31:53do not touch the airlock
00:31:54because it will kill you.
00:31:55Now, down that corridor
00:31:56are the sleeping pods.
00:31:57Go claim a room
00:31:58and be back here
00:31:59for our first Martian lunch
00:32:00at 1,400.
00:32:04Well, hello, Kyle.
00:32:06Oh, hey, Wimmy.
00:32:07I see that you were
00:32:08praying again.
00:32:09A lot of prayer with you.
00:32:11All right.
00:32:11So, uh...
00:32:12So what's your story?
00:32:14Well, I'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife
00:32:16who is quite a beauty
00:32:17on the inside,
00:32:18a proud father
00:32:18to five angelic children.
00:32:20I have type 2 diabetes
00:32:21and I don't believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:23What about you?
00:32:24Uh, I'm a dentist,
00:32:25which is cool.
00:32:27Actually, no, it's not.
00:32:29Little kids hate me.
00:32:30And, uh, I do believe
00:32:31in dinosaurs.
00:32:33Well, we'll work on that.
00:32:35That's why I'm here.
00:32:36I'm a missionary of sorts.
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:38into the first
00:32:39completely Christian planet.
00:32:41Okay, but there aren't
00:32:42any people on Mars.
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh, no.
00:32:49Bon appetit.
00:32:50Whoa!
00:32:52Elrond, did you make
00:32:54all this yourself?
00:32:55I had a little help
00:32:56from my good friend,
00:32:57murdered Midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager.
00:33:01One more time, Elrond?
00:33:02I said this meal
00:33:04was actually prepared
00:33:05by one murdered
00:33:06Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:10It's an acronym.
00:33:11Its technical name
00:33:12is Mechanical Ultra Responsive
00:33:14Dietary Electronic Robotic
00:33:15Energized Delivery
00:33:16Meal Interface
00:33:17Dietary Wellness
00:33:18Efficiency System
00:33:19Tactile Edible
00:33:20Responsorous Nutrition
00:33:21Home or Mobile
00:33:22Omnivorous Sustenance
00:33:23Expeditious
00:33:23Xeno Culinary
00:33:24User Aligned
00:33:25Lunch Tool Enabled
00:33:26Eating Nourishment
00:33:27Aging Gastronomical
00:33:28Electronic Robot.
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit
00:33:31of a mouthful,
00:33:32so we call it
00:33:32the Murdered Midwestern
00:33:33Homosexual Teenager
00:33:34for short.
00:33:35That's really weird
00:33:37and offensive.
00:33:38I think that happened.
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind
00:33:40prototype,
00:33:41but in a few years,
00:33:42Lord willing,
00:33:42every town from Chicago
00:33:44to New Orleans
00:33:44will have its own
00:33:45Murdered Midwestern
00:33:46Homosexual Teenager.
00:33:47Gotta fix that acronym.
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words
00:33:50seemed unnecessary.
00:33:52You said robotic twice.
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it.
00:33:54Take it up with the good people
00:33:55at the Holocaust
00:33:56was greatly exaggerated.
00:33:58I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company.
00:34:00It stands for
00:34:00Technological Human Electronics.
00:34:02Okay, okay, so
00:34:02how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like
00:34:05a 3D printer for food.
00:34:06You just say whatever
00:34:07you want it to make
00:34:08and it...
00:34:09Jaeger.
00:34:12Rad.
00:34:13You got to hit that shit
00:34:15when the DJ's on.
00:34:17Yeah, baby,
00:34:17wear my silk pajama
00:34:19when the food is wrong.
00:34:20You got to hit that shit
00:34:22when they play your song.
00:34:24You got your,
00:34:25you got your,
00:34:25you got your
00:34:26run, yeah.
00:34:27Oh, yeah.
00:34:34Oh, yeah.
00:34:45Whoa. Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:48Good morning. This is a surprise.
00:34:51Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:52Oh, well, are we sure you didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep. This is my bed.
00:34:58Oh, well, last night was the first in 18 years that I didn't share my bed with my lovely on
00:35:03-the-inside wife.
00:35:04So in my sleep, I must have wandered over here, mistaking your bodily warmth for hers.
00:35:09Okay, well, I'm going to get up.
00:35:1310-4, good buddy.
00:35:21There were good people on both sides of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:28They even put spaces. Fuck this company.
00:35:32Last night was fun.
00:35:35You know what, Peggy? Last night was fun.
00:35:38I think this is a really great group we got here.
00:35:40And it's cool that we're on Mars.
00:35:43And it's cool we're on Mars.
00:35:45You're right, Peggy.
00:35:46Fucking Mars.
00:35:48All right.
00:35:52Oh, boy. You know what that alarm means.
00:35:54It's time for Kyle's surprise.
00:35:57Okay, what's going on? What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise. Surprise later? From future tennis?
00:36:03Oh, right. Hey, wow. Look at me. Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:08Now, I know the Martian landscape can feel pretty foreign, but you've won something that's going to make this place
00:36:14feel a lot more like home.
00:36:16All right. Okay. Lay it on me. Fun.
00:36:19Okay, Kyle. Say hello to your very own...
00:36:25Talk to me, baby. What do we got?
00:36:29Fiance!
00:36:31What the fuck? What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait. How is... How... How... How is she here now?
00:36:37When you won future tennis, I asked if you wanted surprise now or surprise later.
00:36:42You said surprise later.
00:36:43She shouldn't be here. This is bad.
00:36:45Can we pause? Can we... Can we pause for a second?
00:36:47Can we make the door go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle. We have to get her out of there.
00:36:51That's a decompression chamber. They're very dangerous.
00:36:54Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
00:36:55Fuck me. Fuck me. Oh, fuck.
00:36:57Ha, ha, ha. Hi, pumpkin!
00:37:00Hi, Kyle.
00:37:04Hi. I'm Candace.
00:37:06Kyle's fiancée.
00:37:06That's funny. Kyle never talked about you at all.
00:37:08Yeah, I did. Yes, I know. I'm sure that I did.
00:37:11So this is... This is crazy. This is also surprising. How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose surprise later, I knew we had to think of something really good for you.
00:37:20And as luck would have it right then, Candace showed up at the launch pad and was going on and
00:37:25on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you.
00:37:28When I found out, I said, what the heck? Send her up in a supply pod. Nothing is more important
00:37:33than true love.
00:37:34That's so cool.
00:37:35What would have happened if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won $400,000.
00:37:42Oh, $400,000. Yeah.
00:37:47Candace, could we just have a little sidebar to kind of clear the air?
00:37:50Because, you know, I'm sensing a little hostility between us.
00:37:55I'm not hostile, Kyle. Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no. I just... I feel like you're... I mean, I don't want to tell you how you feel,
00:38:02but I imagine that you would have the right to be frustrated with me.
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
00:38:12Yeah, but, um... you seem mad.
00:38:16I'm not mad. Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no. I'm not mad at all.
00:38:20Okay. Then we're not mad. Let's just drop it.
00:38:23Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Fine.
00:38:25I mean, it just... it seems kind of weird.
00:38:27You mother fucker!
00:38:29Help! She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:34Okay, everyone. Seems like the perfect time for a little safety meeting.
00:38:39We've had some rather unsafe behavior recently.
00:38:42I'm not going to name names.
00:38:44But I just want to really quickly go over some of the basics.
00:38:48First things first.
00:38:49This is the airlock.
00:38:51Earlier today, Kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock.
00:38:55Now, this is unsafe for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:57If you're in this thing without a spacesuit when the exterior door opens, the changing pressures could be fatal.
00:39:03Now, if you do have your spacesuit on and you're going to take a walk on the Martian surface, you
00:39:08would stand on this circle and give the voice command, airlock, C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:14Oh! Airlock closed!
00:39:18Thank you, Peggy. Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:22Exterior door opening in 30 seconds.
00:39:25Okay. Luckily, we have a safeguard built in.
00:39:28If you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your spacesuit, just give the voice command, abort airlock procedure.
00:39:35Well, then do it.
00:39:37I am doing it. I was trying to.
00:39:39Abort airlock...
00:39:40You gotta hurry, Airlock!
00:39:41I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.
00:39:44Evacuating airlock in 20 seconds.
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say the command while people are talking. You all have to be...
00:39:50Okay, Kyle, I'm going to take it from here, okay?
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:54I'm sorry. I didn't quite get you.
00:39:55Candace, now you did it!
00:39:56I'm sorry. I was telling Kyle to be quiet for you.
00:39:59I wasn't going to say anything.
00:40:00You just did it!
00:40:01Evacuate airlock in 10 seconds.
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:05Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:09Stop!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11Wimmy!
00:40:11Sorry, Airlock!
00:40:12Will you both shut the fuck up?
00:40:14Everyone, shut up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:19Abort airlock...
00:40:23Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
00:40:24What the fuck?!
00:40:25Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my
00:40:26gosh!
00:40:26Did that just happen?
00:40:28Okay, you guys are actually louder than my music.
00:40:31Did you not see that?
00:40:33What are you talking about?
00:40:34Elrond is dead!
00:40:35Who?
00:40:37Elrond!
00:40:38The billionaire guy that brought us here.
00:40:41Elrond, the main guy, Elrond.
00:40:43Oh, right.
00:40:43He died?
00:40:44His head exploded!
00:40:46Fuck off.
00:40:49Holy shit.
00:40:51Oh, that is fucking cool.
00:40:53No, it's not fucking cool!
00:40:55Elrond Branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship!
00:40:58Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty!
00:41:01Fat man, be quiet, not now!
00:41:04Okay, okay, okay, okay, we just, we need to keep our heads together.
00:41:08Poor choice of words, dude.
00:41:09What?
00:41:10Poor choice of words.
00:41:11What?
00:41:12You said let's keep our heads together, his head exploded, the things you say are inappropriate
00:41:16and you don't realize it.
00:41:18You're dumb.
00:41:19Holy shit, he won't stop singing.
00:41:22Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess.
00:41:25How?
00:41:26Uh, by sending a little S.O.S. to the big man upstairs?
00:41:29But, Wimmy, God's not real!
00:41:34Peggy, isn't it enough that you killed our captain?
00:41:37Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?
00:41:39I didn't kill him!
00:41:40You're the one who said airlock closed!
00:41:43Airlock closed.
00:41:44Hey, come on, Wimmy.
00:41:46Leave Peggy alone.
00:41:47She can't help it.
00:41:47She's, you know...
00:41:49What are you saying, Kyle?
00:41:50I mean, Peggy is obviously, she's, you know...
00:41:55Peggy, I don't want to offend you, but, I mean, you're obviously, like...
00:41:59You have a mental thing, right?
00:42:02Are you mentally handicapped?
00:42:05I'm sorry!
00:42:06No, that came out wrong.
00:42:08Look, it's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other.
00:42:11Now, I'm sure each one of us in this room has made mistakes.
00:42:14And right now, the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here
00:42:20so that we can all work together, moving forward.
00:42:23So we can all work together, moving forward.
00:42:27Todd, what is with the attitude?
00:42:29I don't have an attitude.
00:42:30Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man.
00:42:31I know you're not my dad.
00:42:33My dad is awesome.
00:42:35Is Elrod okay?
00:42:38Okay?
00:42:43Okay, we have to get in touch with Mission Control.
00:42:45Tell them what happened and get them to pick us up and take us home.
00:42:48I know!
00:42:49Hit this one!
00:42:50Peggy, don't touch!
00:42:52This is dangerous!
00:42:53Okay, from now on, no one touches anything.
00:42:57Todd!
00:42:58Telecom.
00:42:59It's short for telecommunications.
00:43:02Mission Control.
00:43:03Can you hear us?
00:43:04There they are!
00:43:06You bastards!
00:43:07You bastards!
00:43:09Come to kill us now, too?
00:43:12Guys, guys, we are so sorry about Elrod.
00:43:16It was an accident.
00:43:17We saw everything!
00:43:48There's cameras!
00:43:49Screwed?
00:43:49Is there another way to get back?
00:43:51Of course there is.
00:43:52In the sciences, we always prepare for a plan B.
00:43:56Oh, thank God.
00:43:57Yeah, if we start constructing another ship now, we can get to you guys in about five years.
00:44:04Five years?
00:44:05Did you say five years?
00:44:07We're all going to be stuck up here for five years?
00:44:09Five!
00:44:09Five whole years!
00:44:10Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you killed Elrod Branson.
00:44:14He was a candle in the wind!
00:44:16And a rocket man!
00:44:19That dude?
00:44:20What a nerd.
00:44:22Nerd!
00:44:23Nerd!
00:44:24You know what?
00:44:24That's the problem with cools.
00:44:27You guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody.
00:44:30Well, if you wanted a world without nerds, then Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, you're on one.
00:44:38Nerds out!
00:44:39No, no, no!
00:44:40Nerds!
00:44:41Nerds!
00:44:41Nerds!
00:44:42No!
00:44:43No!
00:44:53I cannot get enough of things like that.
00:44:55Look at that.
00:44:55Now, let's see if we can go frame by frame.
00:44:57Toby, can we go frame by frame here?
00:44:59Someone get Toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame.
00:45:01Okay, here we go.
00:45:02Now, he's like, oh, oh, I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble.
00:45:05Oh, boom!
00:45:07Rewind.
00:45:08See?
00:45:08See?
00:45:08He's still alive there.
00:45:09Still alive there.
00:45:10There.
00:45:11Still alive.
00:45:11And he's feeling it right there.
00:45:14And that's where I think he died.
00:45:15What about you?
00:45:16I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff.
00:45:18Oh, not me.
00:45:19I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home.
00:45:22It's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it.
00:45:24Getting back to the crisis at hand, millions and millions of viewers around the globe are
00:45:29mourning the loss of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson and watching the developments
00:45:34with bated breath.
00:45:35So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor
00:45:40the events in the space station around the clock.
00:45:42And with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person who knew how to operate
00:45:47the ship, how do you think the crew's holding up?
00:45:49I tell you, it must be incredibly, incredibly tense up there.
00:45:53Let's take a look at the feed.
00:45:55Where should we start?
00:45:56Hey, why not the women's bathroom?
00:45:58I like the way you think.
00:45:59Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up.
00:46:02But you're going to remind him.
00:46:06You're the hottest bitch on this planet.
00:46:09Pizza.
00:46:12Roast beef.
00:46:14Chocolate.
00:46:16Frosted Lucky Charms.
00:46:18Reese's Buffs.
00:46:18Cocoa Buffs.
00:46:26Hi.
00:46:28So, Todd, huh?
00:46:31That's an interesting name.
00:46:33I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy.
00:46:34What?
00:46:35You just told your boyfriend you're on a break.
00:46:37You're hurt.
00:46:38You're angry.
00:46:39You want to fuck somebody.
00:46:40You're being crazy.
00:46:41Oh, my God.
00:46:42I wouldn't even think.
00:46:44Okay, sweet.
00:46:45That is not why I came over here.
00:46:48Oh, okay.
00:46:49My mistake.
00:46:50And for your information, crazy girls are the best in bed.
00:46:54That's not true.
00:46:55That's just something crazy girls say.
00:46:57Oh!
00:47:03Hey, Peggy.
00:47:05They never said there was a limit on how much food we could make.
00:47:07God, it stinks in here.
00:47:10Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say, you were looking pretty hot tonight.
00:47:15Shut up!
00:47:17Literally nobody has ever said that to me.
00:47:21Literally!
00:47:22That's a shame.
00:47:23Because I think you're fucking sexy.
00:47:26Candace, you are blowing my mind right now!
00:47:29What do you say we lock this door, put on some music, grab a bottle of Everclear, and...
00:47:37Candace, I'm going to stop you right there!
00:47:39And don't stick my fingers in crazy!
00:47:41What?
00:47:42It's my one rule!
00:47:44Don't get me wrong, Candace!
00:47:45You're a very attractive woman!
00:47:47And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered!
00:47:49But I know where this road leads.
00:47:51And it's not a place where either of us would feel good...
00:47:54What the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship?
00:48:04Hey there.
00:48:06Whimmy, right?
00:48:08Shh.
00:48:13Okay?
00:48:16Hi, Candace.
00:48:18I was just talking to my best friend.
00:48:20Who's your best friend?
00:48:22Ugh, this is so fucking hard.
00:48:25What say you and I have a little drink?
00:48:28Let me stop you right there. I do not imbibe, but I am happy to provide some non-judgmental company
00:48:34while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with alcohol.
00:48:37You're funny.
00:48:39Listen, Wimmy, you're a man with needs. I'm a woman with needs.
00:48:45What do you say we help each other out?
00:48:47What? No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am taken. Here's the Tillium's clan right here.
00:48:53Ah! What?
00:49:02Candace, we just adulteried! I adulteried! I just betrayed my wife and children!
00:49:11I'm sorry. I just don't know what's going on with me. This whole thing with me and Kyle has me
00:49:17feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm not usually like this, I swear.
00:49:22Okay. Well, the Lord has everything happen for a reason, so maybe he can use this as a teachable moment.
00:49:32Okay.
00:49:33John 3.16 says,
00:49:34For God so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten Son.
00:49:37Yeah, but, Wimmy, we're not on earth.
00:49:41Well, it says earth, but it means the whole solar system.
00:49:44Well, why would he say earth if he meant solar system?
00:49:49Candace.
00:49:50Well, way back when this was written, God probably had no idea that in the future man would make it
00:49:54to other planets.
00:49:56Well, I mean, he knew. He just, he had to know. He just probably didn't, I mean, hold on.
00:50:04Hey, hey, I mean, I get it, guys. In high school, I wasn't the most popular guy, either. I didn't
00:50:09even kiss a girl until I was 18.
00:50:11Oh, 18? 18? That's not nerdy. That's cool.
00:50:17No, I didn't mean 18. It wasn't 18. I don't know why I said that. It was way later. It
00:50:22was like, like 20.
00:50:2320?
00:50:249. 29. I was 29.
00:50:26Oh, okay. That's pretty lame, I guess. I mean, I kissed a girl when I was 28.
00:50:34I didn't, but I could have.
00:50:35Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You, you kissed a girl at 28? Are you sure I'm
00:50:40not talking to a couple of cools right now?
00:50:44Yeah, right. Get out of here. You don't really think that.
00:50:48Oh, I don't know. I'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now.
00:50:53Shut up.
00:50:54You know what would be really cool, though? If you guys could help me figure out how to fly this
00:50:58thing back home.
00:51:01Well, I guess us cools have to stick together.
00:51:04Ha ha, that's right.
00:51:06Okay, well, it's not gonna be easy, but I think if we all keep our cool, we'll be able to
00:51:14walk you through it.
00:51:15The first thing you're gonna need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tanks.
00:51:20Kyle, I'm so sorry. Can we talk?
00:51:23Just, just, just a minute, Candace. The mission control guys are helping us get home.
00:51:27All right, now, to do this, you'll need to divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's
00:51:33return tank.
00:51:34Okay, resting generators. Got it.
00:51:36I cheated on you with Wimmy.
00:51:39With Wimmy? What? Why? Weird.
00:51:41Okay, okay, all right. Look, Candace, that is really shitty, and we will have to talk about that, but I
00:51:48gotta do this right now.
00:51:49This is what I'm talking about. I travel all the way through space to get to Mars to talk to
00:51:55you, and all you do is ignore me.
00:51:58Guys, is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal, or is this somewhere in the ship here?
00:52:03That is outside of the ship.
00:52:04Right on the underside of the central pond.
00:52:07Hi-ya!
00:52:08Candace, no!
00:52:11Two years of my life, Kyle. My two best years wasted with you.
00:52:19Oh, my God! Candace, stop!
00:52:24Oh, my God.
00:52:27I could have married Brian Delaney.
00:52:36Candace, you broke the air thing!
00:52:38Well, now we're even, because you broke my heart!
00:52:42No, no, no! You broke the fucking air thing!
00:52:44The meek shall inherit the earth!
00:52:49The earth is filled with the steadfast love of the Lord!
00:52:54The earth is the Lord of the fullness thereof!
00:53:04The thing! She fucking broke the thing! We're gonna die!
00:53:08Do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:53:12Todd, I don't know how to fix the container, and I saw her do it!
00:53:17She threw the thing, and then it made the thing punch right through it!
00:53:20We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!
00:53:22What are you talking about?
00:53:23We're gonna die, man!
00:53:25And why do you think we're dying?
00:53:26Because I saw the fucking air! Our air is sucked out into outer space!
00:53:31Okay, and how did that happen?
00:53:33Because this bitch...
00:53:34Yay!
00:53:36No, no! Do not judge me until I have finished my sentence,
00:53:40because then you will see that she has murdered you,
00:53:45and she has murdered you, and she has murdered me,
00:53:50and she has also committed suicide!
00:53:53And killed Wimmy. Where's Wimmy?
00:53:57There is no God here. We abandoned him when we left the Earth.
00:54:00He has no jurisdiction up here.
00:54:03The red planet is the planet of the devil.
00:54:07Okay. First of all, I'm gonna apologize to the room.
00:54:10Uh, I lost my cool there.
00:54:13I said some things that didn't need to be said,
00:54:15and it's important for a leader to be calm and collected.
00:54:18What?
00:54:19What?
00:54:20Dude, you are amazing.
00:54:22Hey, can you say that part about you being the leader again?
00:54:24Kyle, do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:54:27Kyle hates future tennis.
00:54:29He thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years
00:54:32come and see you after you try to run away from them.
00:54:34Okay, Candace, can we try and stay focused, please?
00:54:37Life-threatening situation here.
00:54:38Ring a bell, you threw a fit, now we're fucked.
00:54:41We're fucked?
00:54:41Yes, we're fucked!
00:54:42We're not fucked.
00:54:44We still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home.
00:54:48No, the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do.
00:54:51Let me guess what they said.
00:54:52We have to refuel?
00:54:54Fill up the gas tank?
00:54:55They, well, they said fuel reserve.
00:54:58Uh-huh.
00:54:58I'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators
00:55:02into the ship's reserve, probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect.
00:55:06Wait a minute.
00:55:08Okay, I don't want to offend you right now, but are you smart?
00:55:13I don't want to offend you, but are you smart?
00:55:16Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?
00:55:18Look, Candace and Wemmy are very crazy, and Peggy is also very crazy.
00:55:25You seem, in a weird way, not to be crazy.
00:55:28Do you think that you can help me fix this ship?
00:55:30Uh, I think it'll be more like you helping me fix this ship, and also I don't need that.
00:55:35I find that to be very encouraging.
00:55:41Hey there, Lust Muffin.
00:55:43What the fuck did you just say?
00:55:45Guess what?
00:55:46What?
00:55:47Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars.
00:55:50I didn't say anything about-
00:55:51I should have seen it earlier.
00:55:52It was right in front of my damn face.
00:55:56Part of my French, I swear now.
00:55:58What are you talking about?
00:55:59I was just in my room indulging my own flesh, treating my body like a damn playground.
00:56:05What is that?
00:56:06Playing with my private parts, outside of marriage, and I don't give a shh-
00:56:12Damn!
00:56:13And guess what?
00:56:14I loved it.
00:56:15Now I get what all the fuss is about.
00:56:17Why are you telling me all this?
00:56:19I'm here to take you up on your offer.
00:56:21I want to do every damn thing.
00:56:26Ah, fuck it.
00:56:30These suits are pretty cool.
00:56:33We just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on Mars.
00:56:37Isn't that kind of crazy?
00:56:40I mean, it is to me a little bit.
00:56:43I mean, that's a big deal.
00:56:46Oh, Todd, be careful!
00:56:48Oh, is that the hose we need?
00:56:50Oh, good!
00:56:54Hey, how do you know how to do all this stuff?
00:56:56You seem really confident.
00:56:58I don't know anything mechanical.
00:57:00I was an indoor kid.
00:57:02I can't even change a flat.
00:57:07Did that fix it?
00:57:08Is it fixed?
00:57:11If you want to talk to me, you have to press this button.
00:57:16Yeah, I wasn't talking.
00:57:23I can't.
00:57:24It won't go in.
00:57:25It keeps bending.
00:57:27Maybe your butthole's broken.
00:57:29My butthole's not broken, Wimmy.
00:57:30You have to be hard.
00:57:32I'm pretty hard.
00:57:33It just keeps bending, though.
00:57:37Candace, you need to relax more so I can stuff it in.
00:57:40There!
00:57:40I just got it in.
00:57:42I'm in.
00:57:43We are having sodomy.
00:57:45Wow.
00:57:46You're not in.
00:57:48No, you're right.
00:57:49It's out again.
00:57:50Damn.
00:57:51I gotta say, Todd, I am pretty impressed.
00:57:55Oh, great.
00:57:55I impressed Kyle.
00:57:56That means a lot.
00:57:57When I get home, everyone will be like, hey, Todd, how was Mars?
00:57:59I'll be like, it was okay.
00:58:00But the real cool thing is while I was up there, I impressed some idiot.
00:58:04Dude, what is the deal?
00:58:06What?
00:58:07What is with the negativity, man?
00:58:09What is your issue with me?
00:58:10Seriously?
00:58:11Seriously?
00:58:13Yeah.
00:58:14I don't like the way you treat women.
00:58:16I'm sorry.
00:58:16Excuse me?
00:58:17The way I treat women.
00:58:18Did I bash her face in with the lamp?
00:58:21Did I throw a monitor in her head?
00:58:23It just didn't really sit well with me, the way you were throwing around the B word back
00:58:26there.
00:58:26I mean, she is so mean to me.
00:58:30She's been treating me like this for two years, and she's wrecked the spaceship now,
00:58:33and she's ruined my life.
00:58:35She ruins your life.
00:58:36She came all the way up to Mars for you.
00:58:37She is crazy.
00:58:38Yeah, because you've made her crazy.
00:58:40Look, you're obviously not really committed to your relationship, and you've just been
00:58:44stringing her along instead of manning up and doing the right thing.
00:58:47What, marry her?
00:58:48No, break up with her.
00:58:50Let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her.
00:58:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fix the ship.
00:59:19Hey there, handsome devil.
00:59:43Friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
00:59:55Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
00:59:59Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:00:08Monica, Phoebe, Russ, Joey Chandler, and Rachel.
01:00:15They're the gang that you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:00:20Oh, friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:00:26Friends, buy it on Amazon.
01:00:29Friends.
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:00:40Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:00:46And last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, harder than anyone.
01:00:54Brad Pitt, king of celebrities, yeah.
01:01:02From cool world to fight club, he's never let us down.
01:01:09Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:01:16Oh, shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again.
01:01:19Fuck.
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me.
01:01:22Stop trying to make me the bad guy here.
01:01:24Stop acting like one.
01:01:25Uh, okay, so sorry about that.
01:01:28Uh, you missed a couple things.
01:01:30Basically, what happened was, while Todd finished fixing the ship,
01:01:34Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that stuff that Todd was telling him
01:01:37about how he wasn't being fair to her,
01:01:39but he still didn't really have the balls to tell her how he honestly felt.
01:01:43So she's still confused and unhappy, so she got all pissed,
01:01:47and then he got all defensive, and it was a pretty good scene.
01:01:51Anyway, sorry, sorry again.
01:01:52Watch, friends!
01:01:54I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle.
01:01:57Either love me or let me go.
01:02:01Look, I...
01:02:03I really do care about you, but I...
01:02:06Well, by my calculations, we got ten minutes of air left.
01:02:09So let's do this thing.
01:02:12I had to do some jerry-rigging on the ignition system,
01:02:15but this cord should pull enough juice from the main comm board for us to blast off.
01:02:19Holy shit, dude, I am so glad you're smart.
01:02:21All right, that's it.
01:02:24Tomorrow sucks, fuck it.
01:02:25Let's go home.
01:02:27And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy wants to come with us,
01:02:30you better hurry his ass up wherever he is.
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Wimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin.
01:02:42And Wimmy likey.
01:02:44Wimmy likey a lot.
01:02:46Oh my God!
01:02:48There is no God up here, Kyle.
01:02:49I have abandoned the way of Lamb.
01:02:52I now worship the goat.
01:02:55The Dark One demands more sacrifices.
01:02:58More blood for Satan.
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship!
01:03:00Satan.
01:03:01What?
01:03:01God, let's go!
01:03:04Peggy, Candace, get in the ship!
01:03:06We gotta get out of here!
01:03:07Metal, music, nudity, Democrats.
01:03:10Look, look, Wimmy, a cross.
01:03:12Jesus?
01:03:13Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:24We're in.
01:03:24We made it.
01:03:25We're all here, huh?
01:03:26Well, Todd's dead.
01:03:27Right, yeah.
01:03:28That's, uh, right, yeah.
01:03:30That's too bad.
01:03:31And Elrond died!
01:03:33Shit, right.
01:03:34Yeah, he also died.
01:03:35And I'm assuming Wimmy won't survive when we leave.
01:03:38Well, that's...
01:03:39Well, I mean, fuck him, right?
01:03:40Come on, let's just get out of here.
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars.
01:03:45Ignition in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3...
01:03:55What's happening?
01:03:57Where are we going?
01:03:58Where's two?
01:03:58Where's one?
01:04:00Face me!
01:04:01Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh, this fucking guy is ridiculous.
01:04:06Fuck.
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace.
01:04:09No, you are not doing this again!
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you.
01:04:13I-I just...
01:04:16I don't love you.
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself, but I also know that you...
01:04:22You deserve someone that does.
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger!
01:04:34Wimmy, get away from the court.
01:04:35In this corner, fighting for the side of Satan!
01:04:40Wimmy, tell ya!
01:04:42Jesus Christ.
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ, Kyle!
01:04:48Ya!
01:04:49Wimmy, I am just gonna step over there, and I am gonna pick up the court.
01:04:52Mortal Kombat!
01:04:54Da-da-da-sub-zero.
01:04:56Da-da-da-sub-zero.
01:04:58Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-sub-zero.
01:05:01Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it, that it would end up the two of us locked in battle?
01:05:09No, I'm sorry.
01:05:10Oh!
01:05:11Ow!
01:05:13Again!
01:05:13Unpullied.
01:05:16What?
01:05:17Ah!
01:05:18Ah!
01:05:19Ah!
01:05:19Kyle!
01:05:20Hey!
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:24I'm sorry.
01:05:26Ah!
01:05:28Ah!
01:05:29Ah!
01:05:30Ah!
01:05:31Ah!
01:05:32Ah!
01:05:33Ah!
01:05:41Ah!
01:05:42What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello?
01:06:05Hello?
01:06:05Hello?
01:06:05Hey, Kyle, what's up?
01:06:06What's up?
01:06:06What's going on, man?
01:06:07What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work.
01:06:11Lots of work stuff.
01:06:12Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man.
01:06:14The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that.
01:06:16I know that, man.
01:06:17I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks to the car!
01:06:23Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up!
01:06:25Kyle needs us.
01:06:26We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof,
01:06:32and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go,
01:06:37we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys.
01:06:43This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line
01:06:54before the dogs find that body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks.
01:06:58I feel really, really good.
01:07:00The world is ours.
01:07:02One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves.
01:07:06Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson
01:07:08has left our planet to join her fiancé, Kyle Capshaw, on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod,
01:07:15releasing a statement saying nothing is more important than true love.
01:07:20What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why do they send Candace up? What's their angle?
01:07:25I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second.
01:07:27But who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float.
01:07:33We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up.
01:07:54Hitting a brick wall here.
01:07:56Think, Cooter.
01:07:57Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:01Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took $12 billion from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate.
01:08:15I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement.
01:08:20The others get a free ride because they're shell companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who?
01:08:25What do these products have in common?
01:08:27They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you, Papa Nero's Pizza.
01:08:47Wrong answer.
01:08:51Please stop.
01:08:52Please stop.
01:08:52Please.
01:08:53I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man.
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking.
01:09:00Take us up the chain.
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager.
01:09:08Lucy, I'm home.
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us.
01:09:13No, no.
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle.
01:09:17I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth.
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler.
01:09:25They cut my fucking toe off.
01:09:27Oh, that's right.
01:09:29You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:32I don't know what's going on.
01:09:34Please.
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch.
01:09:38Chomp chomp.
01:09:39Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know.
01:09:41Our parent company is technological human electronic household optimal luxury organic cyber anthropomorphic utility systems treatment worldwide analytic software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated.
01:09:53They bankrolled the whole fucking thing.
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in.
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like, shit, this will be some drama.
01:10:06Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks.
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes, I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years.
01:10:18Please don't kill me.
01:10:19Oh, God, don't kill me.
01:10:21Listen to this.
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise space station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was.
01:10:31There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks.
01:10:36Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now.
01:10:42There's their headquarters.
01:10:43And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home appliances in there.
01:10:50Aha! Skinheads!
01:10:51I knew it!
01:10:52All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker.
01:10:59It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man.
01:11:07They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia.
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people.
01:11:19I so horny.
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twinks! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twinks! That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:52They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda,
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked. How am I breathing?
01:12:30God?
01:12:31Oh no, what have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus?
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck? What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars.
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carla, Nevada.
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial.
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now.
01:13:04Mr. Connor, skinhead!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening.
01:13:14Shit's starting to get fun.
01:13:15Twinks!
01:13:16Twinks!
01:13:17Light them up.
01:13:19Oh no!
01:13:22Oh no!
01:13:37Get out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Putter!
01:13:41Bash ball!
01:13:46Travis
01:13:47No!
01:13:53Oh no!
01:13:56Oh no!
01:14:00bats Jiang!
01:14:01Make it fucking joy.
01:14:03Oh no!
01:14:09367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of carlin nevada a horrific scene that
01:14:16led authorities to discover sir elron branson's entire mars voyager mission was a hoax details
01:14:23are still unfolding but from what we can tell the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked
01:14:28his own death with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company in a scheme to bilk
01:14:34investors out of their money and sell products with incredibly offensive names here we see the
01:14:41footage of sir elron branson being taken into custody earlier this evening the four surviving
01:14:45astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here on earth uh hey guys that's sort
01:14:53of a crazy trip and i have to go to jail now that's all the time we have tonight stay
01:15:01tuned
01:15:02for jimmy fallon who's going to be playing guess who with that squirrel from the oreos commercials
01:15:14hey how'd it go um what kind of stuff are they asking just like what happened when women went
01:15:22crazy and stuff like that oh okay um are you doing all right yeah i'm still shaking up a bit
01:15:30but
01:15:30yeah so i guess this is it yeah i guess so so what are you going to do now just
01:15:42hang around at the
01:15:43bar with cooter oh no no cooter's in a lot of trouble he killed like hundreds of people yeah but
01:15:49it was
01:15:50kind of in self-defense no no no no before that he killed like nine people or something in the
01:15:55weeks
01:15:55leading up to that gunfight i think like two of them were children oh my god yeah yeah are you
01:16:02going to
01:16:03visit him in prison um i don't think so well see you around hey candace um i'm sorry that i
01:16:17hurt you
01:16:18i really am i know and someday i'll be okay with it
01:16:30hey elron oh hey kyle uh how's it going so is it true it was all a hoax from the
01:16:38beginning yep
01:16:40pretty much i thought if i made a deal with those white nationalists i could finally fake my death and
01:16:45disappear with a ton of money dude i just don't get it you were already rich i mean you had
01:16:49everything
01:16:50why would you want to fake your own death well i have this fiancee who just absolutely smothers me
01:16:59kyle capshaw and then cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of like
01:17:08gelified thank you mr capshaw i gotta say this is kind of a godsend for us here at nasa what
01:17:14do you
01:17:14mean how so well this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give
01:17:18us our
01:17:18funding back what happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok we're
01:17:23gonna put that peggy bork lady on every talk show in the country telling the story peggy yeah she's
01:17:29gonna be a national hero we're gonna make her the new face of nasa neil armstrong can suck my
01:17:34fucking nuts we're in the peggy bork business now uh that's cool but what about me i mean i actually
01:17:44did way more stuff than peggy yeah the thing is uh peggy more represents the image we want out there
01:17:53for nasa are you fucking kidding me because she's i mean she's like
01:17:57uh look i think that she's mentally handicapped oh come on the thing is kyle a cultural icon needs
01:18:06to project a certain essence of american values and wholesomeness what are you trying to say
01:18:13everybody's seen the doll video what doll video sandy
01:18:20what do you mean everybody's seen the video they played it on the news pretty often while you guys
01:18:27were trapped up there or about down here trapped down here we just can't have a doll licker be the
01:18:34face of the national space agency you understand
01:18:41well the stranded martian passengers are stranded no more and we know of one little porcelain doll
01:18:47who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound
01:19:00well great
01:19:05i think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls and the peggy bork national press tour continues
01:19:12this morning she was seen playing the xylophone with michael strahan on the today show
01:19:16and rumors are swirling that ryan gosling has been making romantic advances is it too early to start
01:19:22talking about a new hollywood power couple those two are hot i am strongly attracted to peggy bork
01:19:32well it looks like it's just you and me sandy from here on out i have no idea what's gonna
01:19:38happen
01:19:39i have no idea what's gonna happen
01:19:46oh come here you
01:20:35i have no idea what's going on
01:20:38i have no idea what's going on
01:20:38They were around all night
01:20:41They were friends of me
01:20:47Acting crazy and I don't know why
01:20:52The whitest kids of all time
01:20:57The whitest kids of all time
01:21:09Twice as strong as the river
01:21:16Electricity
01:21:20Twice as wide and twice as high
01:21:25As the sky and the sea
01:21:31They came on the deep stream
01:21:36The whitest kids you'll ever see
01:21:41The whitest kids you'll ever see
01:21:47I am the hiccup jungle
01:22:01When the going gets tough and the road is dark
01:22:04And the trouble never ends
01:22:07There's always one thing that you can count on
01:22:10I'm talking about friends
01:22:12Friends, you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around
01:22:26Friends, that's what I talk about
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without
01:22:32Friends, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel
01:22:39They're the gang you wanna be with whenever you are able
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about
01:22:49Friends, friendship never
01:22:51Friends, true story
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago
01:22:58He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he'd fuck with Stefani
01:23:10My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without
01:23:20Friends, buy it on Amazon
01:23:23Friends
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney
01:23:37Last but not least, we had
01:23:40Brad Pitt, king of celebrities
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:55Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that tape exists somewhere out
01:24:00there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand books
01:24:06Brad Pitt, you would be dead without
01:24:10Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart
01:24:13Brad Pitt, from cool world to fight club
01:24:17He's never let us down
01:24:20Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane
01:24:32Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented
01:24:39Brad Pitt
01:24:40Come on Academy, where is the Oscar for?
01:24:43Brad Pitt
01:24:44I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt Sexiest Men Alive
01:24:51That's just because
01:24:52Oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed
01:24:54Sorry
01:24:54I feel like you're still sure
01:24:55I was singing with my C.C.
01:24:57Oh shit, buddy
01:24:59You have Beenbetter
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