- 11 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Latest Version]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:39Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:23Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:45Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:03Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:33Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:46Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:50Transcription by CastingWords
00:03:01Transcription by CastingWords
00:03:11Transcription by CastingWords
00:03:45Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:05Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:21Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:34Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:43Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:48Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:57Transcription by CastingWords
00:05:09TranscriptionWords
00:05:40Transcription by CastingWords
00:06:09Transcription by CastingWords
00:08:10Transcription by CastingWords
00:08:19TranscriptionWords
00:08:20TranscriptionWords
00:08:33TranscriptionWords
00:08:42TranscriptionWords
00:09:31TranscriptionWords
00:09:45TranscriptionWords
00:11:38TranscriptionWords
00:12:12TranscriptionWords
00:12:47TranscriptionWords
00:13:43TranscriptionWords
00:14:35TranscriptionWords
00:14:52TranscriptionWords
00:15:22TranscriptionWords
00:17:15TranscriptionWords
00:17:24TranscriptionWords
00:17:42TranscriptionWords
00:18:42TranscriptionWords
00:19:10TranscriptionWords
00:20:07TranscriptionWords
00:20:54TranscriptionWords
00:21:06TranscriptionWords
00:21:36TranscriptionWords
00:21:37TranscriptionWords
00:21:51TranscriptionWords
00:22:03TranscriptionWords
00:22:27TranscriptionWords
00:22:29TranscriptionWords
00:22:36TranscriptionWords
00:22:37TranscriptionWords
00:23:07TranscriptionWords
00:23:08Trans música
00:23:15where in the holy fuck are you don't worry honey i'm on my way well on my way isn't here
00:23:22if you
00:23:23don't walk through that door in seconds i'm going to phil hartman your ass actually you know what
00:23:30i've just i've just run into some pretty bad traffic on i-25 fuck you pussy you get through
00:23:36that traffic and get here to marry me yeah and you're uh yeah you're breaking up it's it's really
00:23:41hard to hear you right now i'm going to fucking bars we are now going live to the arrival of
00:23:49the
00:23:49final passenger mr capshaw just in time follow me now we're getting down to the wire here so i'm
00:23:55gonna have to get you to sign and walk this first one is a standard release form for the cameras
00:23:59and
00:23:59any promotional material we would use your likeness for okay this one absolves our company from any
00:24:05liability in case of spontaneous incineration incineration uh how often do these explode we
00:24:11don't know yet maiden voyage and all right yeah okay that makes sense this next one absolves our
00:24:17company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown oh does that happen a lot sometimes
00:24:22people go space crazy geez okay well hope that doesn't happen to me and this last one absolves
00:24:28our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy and shoots you or
00:24:32something are there guns on the spaceship you know i don't know the answer to that but i would be
00:24:36happy
00:24:36to look into it for you oh thank you so much that would be great but i am gonna need
00:24:40you to sign real
00:24:41quick no sure right and then steve martin gets this little tear in his eye he's looking at his daughter
00:24:48but all he can see is his little girl oh god damn it cooter why can't we watch the television
00:24:55come on you're doing good mr s cooter where is he he's on tv nobody watch it hey everybody i
00:25:04found
00:25:04another tv in the banquet room we can just power this thing up and cooter crossing the line what is
00:25:12wrong with him oh my god he's bleeding somebody call 9-1-1 it's too late cooter this man is
00:25:19look
00:25:19everybody kyle's on tv there he goes kyle capsha the last passenger onto the shuttle about to leave
00:25:26everyone on earth for more what yeah he's not getting married at all today he's going to mars
00:25:41hello straggler i'm l ron branson welcome aboard
00:25:48pick up pick up you better pick up
00:25:57burn and we are approaching liftoff 10 9
00:26:029 8 7 6 5 5 5 2 1 liftoff
00:26:32okay artificial gravity has set in listen up my fellow astronauts
00:26:38first things first when i call your name come on up get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little
00:26:43about yourself what you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip todd sullivan
00:26:52my name's todd i think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves
00:26:56and uh fuck name tags oh okay well well we don't have to wear them i guess but i did
00:27:03stay up all night
00:27:04making everyone individual drawings
00:27:09okay well i guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games
00:27:13okay wimmy did your serve make it over the net uh yeah okay kyle now you take a card did
00:27:20you return
00:27:20his volley it says yeah oh good okay wimmy take another card did you return the volley
00:27:26it says i missed oh match point kyle you get a reward card
00:27:33now would you like surprise now or surprise later uh i will take surprise later you know the commercials
00:27:40made future tennis seem a lot more futurey and tennessee did you make this game l run well if you
00:27:47guys are not feeling it we could play future badminton future high lie or future darts
00:27:53uh you know i'm good i'm gonna go mingle
00:28:01hey peggy right yes you know i don't want to be super negative right out the gate but doesn't all
00:28:06of
00:28:07this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be i mean i sacrificed quite a lot
00:28:12to be here
00:28:12oh what did you sacrifice well i mean i i was actually supposed to get married today
00:28:21wow yeah but i mean i mean we all have families and friends back on earth that we just picked
00:28:26up
00:28:26and left for a month your friends will still be there for you when you get back
00:28:30i don't know about that sure they will i just told my friends gang i'll be back in a month
00:28:36and then i left them 20 bowls of food and i filled the bathtub with milk what they're drinking i'm
00:28:44gonna
00:28:44assume that you're talking about cats here you just left them with a bathtub filled with milk
00:28:50precisely peggy it's june that milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two
00:28:55what do you mean well i mean that's all you left for your cats to drink
00:28:59yeah what do you mean well what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three
00:29:05and a half weeks with nothing to drink what do you mean nothing i i don't mean anything
00:29:12anyway like i said your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back
00:29:18okay friends listen up loser okay i'm just going to pretend i didn't hear that
00:29:27loser
00:29:29the time has come for us to go into stasis now this will be a chemical sleep that will make
00:29:34the
00:29:34next two weeks of travel feel like a two-hour cat nap
00:29:38he said cats uh is this gonna be like a shot or something
00:29:41no we will each be taking 500 easy to swallow pills
00:29:45did you say 500 500
00:29:52so we get some more water uh no
00:29:58oh god
00:30:12i slept on my arm weird
00:30:15god does the aerobed half deflated
00:30:17ah my neck
00:30:19elron i'm having a little trouble moving my neck
00:30:23how did i get over here
00:30:24well after you guys took all those ambien
00:30:26stop what ambien we took we took 500 ambien
00:30:31haha pretty cool right todd that's what stasis is isn't that how a little peep died
00:30:35oh
00:30:37oh wait oh okay you're just all gonna take them off okay
00:30:40oh hey did you guys did you guys notice my sign
00:30:43it says welcome to mars a place for friends
00:30:48oh that's yeah that's cool man
00:30:50as you can see i drew each one of us took me most of the two weeks here todd what
00:30:55do you think
00:30:55uh it sucks it's stupid you're stupid you suck
00:31:01come on todd
00:31:03oh here we go
00:31:05ladies and gentlemen in a few moments the airlock door will open and in front of the watching world
00:31:11we will become the first people to step from this ship and see mars with our own eyes
00:31:24oh this is incredible
00:31:34gather around gather around just want to lay down some ground rules for my fellow martians
00:31:42thank you jesus the first and most important rule is have fun have fun up here guys this
00:31:48is your vacation mars is for fun the second rule is do not touch the airlock because it will kill
00:31:55you now down that corridor are the sleeping pods go claim a room and be back here for our first
00:31:59martian lunch at 1400
00:32:04well hello kyle oh hey wimmy i see that you were praying again a lot of
00:32:10a lot of prayer with you all right so uh so what's your story well i'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty on the inside a proud father to five angelic children i have
00:32:20type
00:32:202 diabetes and i don't believe in dinosaurs what about you uh i'm a dentist which is cool
00:32:27actually no it's not little kids hate me and uh i do believe in dinosaurs well we'll work on that
00:32:34that's why i'm here i'm a missionary of sorts i'm going to turn mars into the first completely
00:32:39christian planet okay but there aren't any people on mars aren't there oh no bon appetit whoa
00:32:52elron did you make all this yourself i had a little help from my good friend murdered midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager one more time elron i said this meal was actually prepared by one murdered
00:33:06midwestern homosexual teenager it's an acronym its technical name is mechanical ultra responsive
00:33:14dietary electronic robotic energized delivery meal interface dietary wellness efficiency system
00:33:19tactile edible responsorous nutrition home or mobile omnivorous sustenance expeditious xeno
00:33:24culinary user-aligned lunch tool enabled eating nourishment aging gastronomical electronic robot
00:33:29what but that's a little bit of a mouthful so we call it the murdered midwestern homosexual teenager for
00:33:35short that's really weird and offensive i think that happened this is a one-of-a-kind prototype but in
00:33:41a few years lord willing every town from chicago to new orleans will have its own murdered midwestern
00:33:46homosexual teenager gotta fix that acronym yeah some of those words seemed unnecessary you said robotic
00:33:52twice hey i didn't name it take it up with the good people at the holocaust was greatly exaggerated
00:33:57i'm sorry what it's a company it stands for technological human electronic okay so how does this thing work
00:34:04it's basically like a 3d printer for food you just say whatever you want it to make and it
00:34:09jaeger
00:34:13you got to hit that
00:34:14shit when the dj's on
00:34:16yeah baby wear my pajama when the food is wrong
00:34:20you got to hit that
00:34:22shit when they play your song
00:34:24you gotcha you gotcha you gotcha
00:34:26you gotcha
00:34:28oh yeah
00:34:45whoa hey
00:34:48wimmy good morning this is a surprise yeah you're in my bed oh well are we sure you didn't get
00:34:55in my
00:34:55bed yep this is my bed oh well last night was the first in 18 years that i didn't share
00:35:02my bed with
00:35:02my lovely on the inside wife so in my sleep i must have wandered over here mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for her
00:35:09okay well i'm going to get up 10 4 good buddy
00:35:21there were good people on both sides of the charlottesville fans they even put spaces in the
00:35:32you know what peggy last night was fun you know what peggy last night was fun i think this is
00:35:39a
00:35:39really great group we got here and it's cool that we're on mars
00:35:43and it's cool we're on mars you're right peggy
00:35:46fucking mars all right
00:35:51oh boy you know what that alarm means it's time for kyle's surprise oh okay what what's going on what
00:35:59are we talking about your surprise surprise later from future
00:36:02tennis oh right hey wow look at me everything's coming up kyle now i know the martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign but you've won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more like
00:36:15home all right okay lay it on me fun okay kyle say hello to your very own talk to me
00:36:25baby what do we got
00:36:31oh
00:36:31what the fuck what the fuck
00:36:34wait how is how how how is she here now when you won future tennis i asked if you wanted
00:36:39surprise
00:36:40now or surprise later you said surprise later she shouldn't be here this is bad can we pause can
00:36:46we can we pause for a second can we make the door go back up please no kyle we have
00:36:50to get her out of
00:36:51there that's a decompression chamber they're very dangerous oh god oh god oh god oh god fuck me
00:36:56fuck me oh fuck ha ha hi pumpkin hi kyle hi i'm candace kyle's fiance that's funny kyle never talked
00:37:08about you at all yeah i did yes i know i'm sure that i did so this is this is
00:37:12crazy this is also
00:37:13surprising how are you here well when you chose surprise later i knew we had to think of something
00:37:19really good for you and as luck would have it right then candace showed up at the launch pad and
00:37:24was
00:37:24going on and on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you when i found
00:37:29out i said what
00:37:30the heck send her up in a supply pod nothing is more important than true love that's so cool what
00:37:36would
00:37:36have happened if he chose surprise now he would have won four hundred thousand dollars oh four hundred
00:37:43thousand thousand dollars yeah uh candace could could we just have a little sidebar to kind of clear
00:37:50the air because you know i'm sensing a little hostility between us i'm not hostile kyle are you
00:37:57hostile no no no i just i i feel like you're in i mean i don't want to tell you
00:38:02how you feel but i imagine
00:38:03that you would have the right to be frustrated with me i'm perfectly calm kyle yeah but um
00:38:14you seem mad i'm not mad are you mad no no no i i'm not mad at all okay then
00:38:21we're not mad let's just
00:38:22drop it okay yeah yeah fine i mean it just it seems kind of weird you mother
00:38:29fuck help she's gonna kill me you dickless piece of shit okay everyone seems like the perfect time
00:38:37for a little safety meeting we've had some rather unsafe behavior recently i'm not going to name names
00:38:44but i just want to really quickly go over some of the basics first things first this is the airlock
00:38:51earlier today kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock now this is unsafe for a
00:38:56myriad of reasons if you're in this thing without a space suit when the exterior door opens the
00:39:01changing pressures could be fatal now if you do have your space suit on and you're going to take
00:39:06a walk on the martian surface you would stand on this circle and give the voice command airlock c l
00:39:13o s e
00:39:14oh airlock close thank you peggy yes that is what i was spelling exterior door opening in 30 seconds
00:39:25okay luckily we have a safeguard built in if you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your
00:39:31spacesuit just give the voice command abort airlock procedure well then do it i am doing it i was trying
00:39:38to abort i'm sorry i didn't quite get that evacuating airlock in 20 guys you cannot say the command
00:39:48while people are talking you all have to be okay i'm gonna take it from here okay oh yeah just
00:39:53be
00:39:53quiet kyle i'm sorry i didn't quite get you candace now you did it i'm sorry i was telling kyle
00:39:58to be
00:39:58quiet for you i wasn't gonna say anything you just didn't evacuate airlock in 10 seconds everyone
00:40:04shut up everyone shut up shut up kyle shut up kyle shut up wimmy shut up you just talked
00:40:10kandace sorry everyone will you both shut the everyone shut up shut up abort airlock
00:40:23oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my
00:40:26gosh oh my gosh did that
00:40:27just happen okay you guys are actually louder than my music did you not see that what are you talking
00:40:34about elron is dead who elron the the billionaire guy that brought us here the elron the main guy elron
00:40:42oh right he died his head exploded fuck off holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not
00:40:54fucking cool elron branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy lord
00:41:00god almighty fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we need to keep our heads together
00:41:07poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words what you said let's keep our heads together
00:41:14his head exploded the things you say are inappropriate you don't realize it you're dumb
00:41:19holy he won't stop singing oh i'm sorry i'm just the only one trying to get us out of this
00:41:25mess
00:41:25how uh by sending a little sos to the big man upstairs but wimmy god's not real
00:41:34peggy isn't it enough that you killed our captain do you have to blasphemy god while you're at it
00:41:39i didn't kill it you're the one who said airlock close airlock closed hey come on wimmy leave
00:41:46peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying kyle well i mean peggy is obviously
00:41:52she's you know peggy i don't want to offend you but i mean you're you're obviously like you have a
00:42:00a mental thing right are you mentally handicapped oh i'm sorry no that that came out wrong look it's
00:42:08not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other now i'm sure each one of us in
00:42:12this room
00:42:13has made mistakes and right now the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here so
00:42:21we can all work together moving forward so we can all work together moving forward todd what is with
00:42:28the attitude i don't have an attitude well i'm not your dad man i know you're not my dad my
00:42:33dad is
00:42:34awesome is alron okay okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and get
00:42:47them to pick us up and take us home i know hit this one peggy don't touch this is dangerous
00:42:53okay
00:42:54from now on no one touches anything todd telecom it's short for telecommunications
00:43:01mission control can you hear us there they are you bastards you bastard come to kill us now too
00:43:12guys guys we are so sorry about elron it was an accident we saw everything there's cameras uh
00:43:20what what what do we do how do we get back home what happens okay well we should be able
00:43:28to just
00:43:28have the ship automatically bring you home just don't touch that big red button um
00:43:35peggy already did what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great that just disengaged all
00:43:43the return boosters oh thank you peggy did i fix it well now now what are we screwed is there
00:43:49is there
00:43:50another way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always prepare for a plan b oh
00:43:57thank
00:43:57god yeah if we start constructing another ship now we can get to you guys in about five years five
00:44:04years
00:44:04did you say five years we're all gonna be stuck up here for five years five five whole years maybe
00:44:10you
00:44:11should have thought about that before you killed all rock branson he was a candle in the wind and a
00:44:17rocket man
00:44:19that dude was a nerd nerd nerd you know what that's the problem with cools you guys just think you
00:44:28can
00:44:28say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted a world without nerds then merry christmas and happy
00:44:36birthday you're on one nerds out no no no nerds nerds nerds no no
00:44:53i cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go frame by
00:44:57frame toby
00:44:57can we go frame by frame here someone get toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame
00:45:01okay here we
00:45:02go now he's like oh i'm in trouble i'm in trouble boom rewind see see he's still alive there still
00:45:10alive
00:45:10there there still alive and he's feeling it right there and that's where i think he died what about
00:45:15you i honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me i have a whole folder of this
00:45:20sort of
00:45:20stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it getting back to
00:45:25the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning the loss of billionaire
00:45:30philanthropist l ron branson and watching the developments with bated breath so much so that mars
00:45:36enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor the events in the space
00:45:41station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person who knew
00:45:47how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up i tell you it must be incredibly
00:45:51incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we start hey why not the women's
00:45:57bathroom i like the way you think stupid kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up but you're going to
00:46:04remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet pizza roast beef chocolate frost and lucky charms
00:46:27hi so todd huh that's an interesting name
00:46:33i'm not gonna stick my dick in crazy what you just told your boyfriend you're on a break you're hurt
00:46:38you're angry you want to somebody you're being crazy oh my god i wouldn't even think okay sweet
00:46:45that is not why i came over here oh okay my mistake and for your information crazy girls are the
00:46:53best
00:46:53in bed that's not true that's just something crazy girls say oh
00:47:03hey peggy they never said there was a limit on how much food we can make god it stinks in
00:47:09here
00:47:09anyways just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight shut up literally nobody
00:47:18has ever said that to me literally that's a shame because i think you're fucking sexy
00:47:26candace you are blowing my mind right now what do you say we lock this door put on some music
00:47:34grab a
00:47:35bottle of everclear and candace i'm gonna stop you right there i don't stick my fingers in crazy
00:47:41what it's my one rule don't get me wrong candace you're a very attractive woman and i'd be lying if
00:47:48i said i wasn't flattered but i know where this road leads and it's not a place where either of
00:47:54us
00:47:54would feel what the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship
00:48:04hey there wimmy right
00:48:13okay
00:48:16hi candace i was just talking to my best friend
00:48:21who's your best friend oh this is so hard what say you and i have a little drink let me
00:48:28stop you
00:48:29right there i do not imbibe but i am happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you
00:48:34poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with alcohol you're funny listen women you're a man with
00:48:42needs i'm a woman with needs what do you say we help each other out what no no no no
00:48:49no no no no
00:48:49i am taken here's the tillium's clan right here ah what
00:49:02candace we just adulteried i adulteried i just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:11i'm sorry i just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and kyle
00:49:16has me feel like i'm losing my mind i'm not usually like this i swear okay well the lord
00:49:25has everything happen for a reason so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay john 3
00:49:3316
00:49:34says for god so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son yeah but wimmy we're not on
00:49:40earth
00:49:40well it says earth but it means the whole solar system well why would he say earth if he meant
00:49:46solar system candace well way back when this was written god probably had no idea that in the future
00:49:54man would make it to other planets well i i mean he knew he just he had to know he
00:49:59just probably didn't
00:50:00i mean hold on hey hey i mean i get it guys in high school i wasn't the most popular
00:50:08guy either i i didn't
00:50:09even kiss a girl until i was 18. 18 18 18 that's not nerdy that's cool no i didn't i
00:50:18didn't mean 18
00:50:18it wasn't 18 i don't i don't know why i said that it was way later it was like like
00:50:2220. 29 29 i was 29.
00:50:27oh okay that's pretty lame i guess i mean i kissed a girl when i was 28. i didn't but
00:50:34i could have
00:50:35wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you you kissed a girl at 28 are you sure i'm
00:50:40not talking to
00:50:41a couple of cools right now yeah right get out of here you don't really think that oh i don't
00:50:49know
00:50:49i'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now shut up you know what would be
00:50:54really cool though if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:51:01well i guess us cools have to stick together that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy
00:51:09but i think if we all keep our cool we'll be able to walk you through it first thing you're
00:51:16gonna need
00:51:17to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank kyle i'm so sorry can we talk just just just a
00:51:24minute
00:51:24candace the mission control guys are helping us get home all right now to do this you'll need to
00:51:29divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank okay resting
00:51:34generators got it i cheated on you with wimmy with wimmy what why weird okay okay all right look candace
00:51:44that is really shitty and we will have to talk about that but i i gotta do this right now
00:51:49this is what
00:51:50i'm talking about i travel all the way through space to get to mars to talk to you and all
00:51:56you
00:51:56do is ignore me guys is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal or is this somewhere in
00:52:02the
00:52:03ship here that is outside of the ship right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:06i could have married brian the ladies
00:52:45the meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:49the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord
00:52:54the earth is the lord of the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she she broke the thing we're gonna die do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12time i i don't know how to fix the container and i saw her do it she threw the the
00:53:18thing and then it
00:53:18made the the thing punched right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking
00:53:23about we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because i saw the air our air is
00:53:29sucked
00:53:29out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this
00:53:33bitch no no do not judge me until i have finished my sentence because then you will see that she
00:53:43has
00:53:43murdered you and she has murdered you and she has murdered me and she has also committed suicide
00:53:53and killed wimmy where where's wimmy there is no god here we abandoned him when we left the earth
00:54:00he has no jurisdiction up here the red planet is the planet of the devil okay first of all i'm
00:54:09apologize to the room uh i lost my cool there i said some things that didn't need to be said
00:54:15and
00:54:16it's important for a leader to be calm and collected what what dude you are amazing hey can you say
00:54:23that
00:54:23part about you being the leader again kyle do you want to play future tennis with me kyle hates future
00:54:28tennis he thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years come and
00:54:32see
00:54:32you after you tried to run away from them okay candace can we can we try and stay focused please
00:54:37life-threatening situation here ring a bell you threw a fit now we're fucked we're fucked yes we're
00:54:42fucked we're not fucked we still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can
00:54:47take us home no the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do let me guess
00:54:52what they said we have to refuel fill up the gas tank they yeah well they said fuel reserve uh
00:54:58-huh i'm
00:54:59guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's
00:55:02reserve probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect wait a minute
00:55:08okay i don't want to offend you right now but are you smart uh i don't want to offend you
00:55:14but are you
00:55:15smart todd can i get a sidebar really quick
00:55:20candace and wimmy are very crazy and peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird way
00:55:27not to be crazy do you think that you can help me fix this ship uh i think you'll be
00:55:31more like you
00:55:32helping me fix the ship and also i don't need that i find that to be very encouraging
00:55:41hey there lust muffin what the did you just say guess what what turns out you were right about
00:55:48satan ruling mars i didn't say anything i should have seen it earlier it was right in front of my
00:55:54damn
00:55:54face part of my french i swear now what are you talking about i was just in my room indulging
00:56:01my
00:56:01own flesh treating my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts outside
00:56:09of marriage and i don't give a damn and guess what i loved it now i get what all the
00:56:16fuss is about why are
00:56:18you telling me all this i'm here to take you up on your offer i want to do every damn
00:56:23thing
00:56:26ah fuck it
00:56:30these suits are pretty cool
00:56:33we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40i mean it is to me a little bit i mean that's a big that's a big deal oh todd
00:56:47be careful
00:56:48oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58i don't know anything mechanical i was an indoor kid i can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:16yeah i wasn't talking
00:57:23i can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken
00:57:30wimmy you have to be hard i'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:37candace you need to relax more so i can stuff it in there i just got it in i'm in
00:57:42we are having
00:57:44sodomy wow you're not in no you're right it's out again damn i i gotta say todd i am pretty
00:57:54impressed
00:57:54oh great i impressed kyle that means a lot when i get home everyone will be like hey todd how
00:57:59was
00:57:59mars i'll be like it was okay but the real cool thing is while i was up there i impressed
00:58:03some
00:58:03idiot dude what is the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue with me seriously
00:58:11seriously yeah i don't like the way you treat women i'm sorry excuse me the way i treat women did
00:58:18i bash
00:58:19her face in with the lamp did i throw a monitor at her head it just didn't really sit well
00:58:24with me
00:58:24the way you were throwing around the b word back there she is so mean to me she's been treating
00:58:30me
00:58:30like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined my life she ruins your
00:58:35life she came all the way up to mars for you she is crazy yeah because you've made her crazy
00:58:40look
00:58:41you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just been stringing her
00:58:44along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with her
00:58:50let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna
00:58:56go
00:58:56fix the ship
00:59:03wimmy tilliums is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08i can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:21hey there handsome devil
00:59:30when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends
00:59:36there's there's always one thing that you can count on i'm talking about friends
00:59:43you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
00:59:49friends are always there for you when no one else is around
00:59:56friends that's what i'm talking about
00:59:59friends
01:00:00you'll be a mess without
01:00:02friends
01:00:09monica phoebe russ joey chandler and rachel
01:00:15They're the gang that you wanna be with
01:00:18Whenever you are able
01:00:22Friends, you'd be a mess without
01:00:25Friends, buy it on Amazon
01:00:28Friends
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs
01:00:37That were constantly dropping by
01:00:39Like Tom, Sally, Giovanni, Rubisi, Paul Rudd and George Clooney
01:00:46And last but not least
01:00:49We had
01:00:50Brad Pitt
01:00:52Harder than anyone
01:00:53Brad Pitt
01:00:55King Celebrities
01:00:57Yeah
01:01:02From Cool World to Fight Club
01:01:05He's never let us down
01:01:09Last night I dreamt that they remained hot
01:01:12It was Brad Pitt Town
01:01:16Oh shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again, fuck
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me
01:01:22Stop trying to make me the bad guy here
01:01:24Stop acting like one
01:01:25Uh, okay, so sorry about that
01:01:28Uh, you missed a couple things
01:01:30Basically, what happened was
01:01:32While Todd finished fixing the ship
01:01:34Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that stuff that Todd was telling him about how he wasn't being fair
01:01:39to her
01:01:39But he still didn't really have the balls to tell her how he honestly felt
01:01:43So she's still confused and unhappy
01:01:46So she got all pissed
01:01:47And then he got all defensive
01:01:50And it was a pretty good scene
01:01:51Anyway, sorry, sorry again
01:01:52Watch for hands!
01:01:54I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle
01:01:57Either love me
01:01:58Or let me go
01:02:01Look, I...
01:02:02I really do care about you
01:02:05But, but I...
01:02:06Well, by my calculations
01:02:07We got ten minutes of air left
01:02:09So let's do this thing
01:02:12Had to do some jerry-rigging on the ignition system
01:02:15But this cord should pull enough juice from the main comm board for us to blast off
01:02:18Holy shit, dude
01:02:20I am so glad you're smart
01:02:21Alright, that's it
01:02:23Motor sucked, fuck it
01:02:25Let's go home
01:02:26And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy wants to come with us
01:02:30He better hurry his ass up wherever he is
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin
01:02:42And Whimmy likey
01:02:44Whimmy likey a lot
01:02:46Oh my god!
01:02:48There is no god up here, Kyle
01:02:49I have abandoned the way of the lamb
01:02:51I now worship the goat
01:02:55The dark one demands more sacrifices
01:02:58More blood for Satan
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship!
01:03:00Satan!
01:03:01What?
01:03:01God, let's go!
01:03:04Becky!
01:03:04Candace, get in the ship!
01:03:06We gotta get out of here!
01:03:07Metal
01:03:07Music
01:03:08Nudity
01:03:09Democrats
01:03:10Look, look, Whimmy
01:03:11Across
01:03:12Jesus
01:03:12Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:16Huh?
01:03:17Oh!
01:03:18Oh!
01:03:20Oh!
01:03:24We're in, we made it, we're all here
01:03:25Huh
01:03:26Well, Todd's dead
01:03:27Right, yeah, that's, uh, right, yeah
01:03:29That, that's, that's too bad
01:03:31And Elrond died!
01:03:33Shit, right, yeah, he, he also died
01:03:35And I'm assuming Whimmy won't survive when we leave
01:03:38Well, that's, well, I mean, fuck him, right?
01:03:41Come on, let's just get out of here
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars
01:03:44Ignition in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3
01:03:55What's happening?
01:03:57Where are we going?
01:03:58Where's two?
01:03:58Where's one?
01:04:00Face me!
01:04:01Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh, this fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:06Fuck
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace
01:04:09No, you are not doing this again
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you
01:04:13I, I just
01:04:16I don't love you
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself
01:04:20But I also know that you, you deserve someone that does
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger
01:04:33Whimmy, get away from the court
01:04:35In this quarter, fighting for the side of Satan
01:04:38Head
01:04:40Whimmy, kill ya
01:04:41Jesus Christ
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ
01:04:47Kyle
01:04:48Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there
01:04:51And I'm gonna pick up the court
01:04:52Mortal Kombat
01:04:54Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:00da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:01da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:01da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:05da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:05da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
01:05:23I'm sorry.
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good. The world is ours.
01:07:01One more, in fact. Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle? I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but
01:07:28who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float. We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up. Hittin' a brick wall here. Think, Cooter. Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate. I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement. The others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who? What do these products have in common? They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you! Papa Nero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:51Please stop! Please stop! Please! I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man!
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking. Take us up the chain!
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager!
01:09:07Lucy! I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No, no!
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle. I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler. They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh, that's right. You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:31I don't know what's going on! Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch!
01:09:38Chomp chomp. Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know! Our parent company is technological, human, electronic, household, optimal, luxury, organic, cyber, anthropomorphic, utility
01:09:48systems, treatment, worldwide, analytics, software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated! They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in! Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like,
01:10:05Shit! This will be some drama! Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks!
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes! I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years! Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this!
01:10:22Yes!
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was! There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:36Ugh! My skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters. And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there.
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking paper ants then to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny.
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twigs! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twigs! That's the fucking spaceship! They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda,
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple!
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked! How am I breathing?
01:12:29God? Oh no! What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter!
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck?
01:12:48What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars!
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada!
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now!
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:14Shit's starting to get fun!
01:13:15Twinks!
01:13:17Light them up!
01:13:35Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Putter!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:58I'm out of ammo!
01:14:00No!
01:14:01No!
01:14:05No!
01:14:09367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada, a horrific scene
01:14:15that led authorities to discover Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:22Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell, the now disgraced billionaire had
01:14:28elaborately faked his own death with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money and sell products with incredibly offensive
01:14:39names.
01:14:40Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here
01:14:49on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey guys.
01:14:52Had sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's gonna be playing Guess Who with that squirrel from
01:15:05the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey!
01:15:14How'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing alright?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:31So, I guess this is it.
01:15:35It.
01:15:36Yeah.
01:15:37I guess so.
01:15:39So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something in the weeks leading up to that
01:15:56gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace, um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true it was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:40I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists, I could finally fake my death
01:16:45and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancé who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of, like,
01:17:07jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean? How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us our funding
01:17:18back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but what about me? I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah. The thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:53Are you fucking kidding me? Cause she's, I mean, she's like, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:10What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video? Sandy?
01:18:20What do you mean, everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here. Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll like her be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:18:52Oh, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:26I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:19:49Go, go.
01:20:06Come here, you.
01:20:07Go, go, go, go!
01:20:16Go, go, go, go.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:33Friends, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:39They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friendship never friends.
01:22:53Friends, true story.
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stephanie.
01:23:10My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:21Buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends.
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:00God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt, you would be dead without Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart Brad Pitt.
01:24:14From cool world to fight club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:32Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy, where is the Oscar for Brad Pitt?
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed.
01:24:54Sorry.
Comments