- 2 days ago
Animal Control
Category
🐳
AnimalsTranscript
00:04Mya wants to do date night tonight.
00:05Is she off pregnancy bed rest?
00:07No, she wants to do the whole thing in bed.
00:08I get to plan everything, and she wants me to, quote,
00:11knock her compression socks off.
00:12Is that sex?
00:13No, you could do a sponge bath,
00:15and then you could put coconut oil in the tub.
00:17That would be nice.
00:17No, the smell of coconut, quote, makes me want to kill you.
00:20You have to stop with the quote thing.
00:22It's making me sad for you and your life.
00:25No way.
00:26No way.
00:27National RV Jamboree.
00:29That is a license plate jackpot.
00:31Mother load.
00:31We could get the phantom plate itself.
00:33The one that some say doesn't even exist.
00:36Puerto Rico.
00:37Mm-hmm.
00:38Truck 12, please respond.
00:39Truck 8 is a question.
00:40Do you guys identify as, like, two individual losers
00:43or just, like, a big lump of loser?
00:46Come again?
00:46They got a license plate.
00:48Not just one plate, you chiseled dopes.
00:50We're about to win this competition and get all of them.
00:52I wouldn't trust your eyes.
00:54You just called shred chisel.
00:55We're about to enter license plate heaven, lads.
00:58Victory is ours.
01:01Truck 8, please respond.
01:03Report of a skunk at 1243 Arcola Ave.
01:05No.
01:06Truck 8, requesting to be excused, please.
01:09For medical reasons, we have a note.
01:12Dispatch, truck 12 requests truck 8's location
01:15to help administer medical assistance.
01:17No, they're not assisting.
01:18They're trying to steal our license plate honeypot.
01:21Truck 8 is at 4th and Main, outside the Rose Fairgrounds.
01:26Thank you, Dispatch.
01:28And this has been another episode of
01:29The Lovable Loser, starring Truck 8.
01:31Shred theme song, mate.
01:34Really?
01:38You a loser.
01:39But you lovable.
01:41You a loser.
01:42You gotta press the button, Dan, if you want.
01:43No.
01:44Or else?
01:44Or else?
01:47Or else?
01:57Or else?
02:15Now, this next state we never thought we'd get
02:18because it's so dang small.
02:19Frank, show me the ocean state.
02:22Rhode Island, the smallest and most corrupt state.
02:25It is the kidney stone of America.
02:27Meet the Singleton family.
02:29Good people, but very unclear how they were all related.
02:32Look at that one.
02:33Wait, is that the sun?
02:34Yeah, they said it was my turn next, so I ran.
02:36You rake. You upset the dog.
02:38Oh, there they are.
02:40Okay.
02:40Hey, ever been to Rhode Island?
02:42I...
02:43Oh, man.
02:44Wait, who got skunked?
02:46Yeah, that's me. I did get skunked.
02:49Ask me if my partner did. She did not.
02:51Sometimes you get lucky.
02:52You use me as a human shield. Okay, be honest. Is it bad?
02:54You know, in our HR meeting, they make it clear to never comment on an employee's smell,
02:58but, oh, my God, please go outside. It's very bad.
03:00Nope, not until he sees the Hawaii plate.
03:02I accidentally shot a video, but it still counts.
03:04It still counts.
03:05Trent, I...
03:06Sorry.
03:07I can't see.
03:08He can't see.
03:08No, we are one state away from total victory, West Virginia.
03:13Let your roads take me home.
03:14Okay, I gotta go get this stench off of me.
03:16Yeah, please.
03:17Maya was very clear about me coming home smelling neutral. Neutral!
03:20You go.
03:20I'm gonna post-made some tomato juice for you to soak in.
03:23Can you put some crackers in that order?
03:24Or anything that's dippable in the tomato stuff, okay?
03:27Uh, hey, girl.
03:29Do you have a second?
03:30Yeah.
03:30Why do you sound like something's wrong?
03:31No, nothing's wrong.
03:32It's just your green card ex-husband dropped off some mail for you.
03:36Oh, okay.
03:37Six weeks ago.
03:38Sorry about that.
03:39I just found it on my bookshelf underneath a folder in some books I'm gonna get to.
03:44That was from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.
03:46Yeah.
03:47Looks official-ish.
03:48Wanted to flag that for you.
03:49Oh, my God.
03:50Emily, this says that my citizenship test is scheduled for the 10th.
03:53The 10th?
03:54Of this month?
03:55I'm toast.
03:56I haven't even cracked open this frickin' book.
03:59Oh, that's a big book.
04:01I'm so good at studying.
04:02Let me help you.
04:03Now or six weeks ago when it might have made a difference?
04:06That's good.
04:06Yeah, I'm glad we're laughing about this.
04:09No, I'm very motivated to help you because I want you to stay in this country.
04:12And also, I really can't stand people being mad at me.
04:15If you were mad at me.
04:16I couldn't tell if you were or you weren't.
04:17Are you?
04:18Do you want me to say?
04:19No, I don't want to know.
04:20Let's just get into those books.
04:22Oh, um, hey, Frank, we're getting a call about an aggressive swan.
04:28Where?
04:29Oh, um, uh, Oakwood Country Club?
04:32Oversized male?
04:33Dead eyes?
04:34A taste for human flesh?
04:36As indicated by this?
04:39Whoa, swan scar.
04:40I always thought that was a TB vaccine nestled between my two favorite freckles.
04:44You need to stop memorizing my arms.
04:45I didn't get a ton of specifics.
04:47They just said it's terrorizing the members.
04:48Oh, yeah, that's him.
04:50El Diablo Blanco, my white whale.
04:52Wait, so is it a swan or a whale?
04:53It's a Moby Dick reference.
04:54Can't say stuff like that at work, Frank.
04:56Okay, is this the swan that you and Rick talk about every time you sit in front of a fire?
05:00Yeah, because the smoke reminds us of this phantom-like nature.
05:03But this time, I will capture the smoke.
05:06Okay.
05:06And I know that's impossible, but this is where the analogy has led me.
05:09I'm going to take revenge for this.
05:12Oh, it's just so much whiter than you think it's gonna be.
05:16It's like a bowling pin.
05:17It was a long winter in Seattle.
05:20Focus on the scar.
05:21Hang on.
05:22Where is this scar?
05:22Where is this scar?
05:23Okay.
05:26Frank?
05:26You okay?
05:27You haven't blinked for a few miles.
05:29I've been trying to catch that swan since high school.
05:31I don't want to wade into any sensitive math here, but is it possible for a swan to live that
05:35long?
05:35Oh, you can live a long time with enough hate in your heart.
05:39That's what my dad taught me.
05:40I was a caddy at that country club as a teenager.
05:43Oh, yeah.
05:44Here comes the hero's origin story.
05:46Everybody there?
05:46Just a bunch of rich douchebags, but I powered through, and I saved all summer, and I finally bought my
05:52first disc man.
05:53I don't know what that is, but I think you mean disc person.
05:56They play CDs.
05:59Compact discs.
06:00I got it.
06:00It snapped right onto my belt next to my beeper.
06:02It was so cool.
06:03My nana had a beeper.
06:04I'm going to hit you later.
06:06El Diablo Blanco stole the disc man from my hands, and I've only seen him twice since.
06:11Once on local news when he attacked a baby, and second when Rick and I got the call, and we
06:16thought we had him.
06:18But he had us.
06:19So Rick failed you, yet he remains your favorite partner ever?
06:23Yep.
06:24While I, Shred Taylor, your current partner, is your second favorite?
06:28Absolutely not.
06:28Mid-range?
06:29One above Devin.
06:30DUI during work, Devin?
06:32No, he was a lot of fun before lunch.
06:33Okay, but what if I help you capture El Diablo Cody?
06:36Does that bump me up to number one ahead of Rick?
06:38If you help me catch that swan, all bets are off.
06:41I am going to destroy that bird by humanely capturing and re-housing him.
06:55Sir, you can't park that here.
06:57It's members only parking.
06:59Oh, we're with the city, fashion police.
07:01We got a call regarding your pants.
07:02Darren, everything okay over here?
07:04I'm handling it, Beth.
07:05Yeah, Beth, Darren's got it.
07:07We're just headed to the 17th hole.
07:09Frank knows where it is.
07:10He actually used to caddy here in the 70s.
07:11Mm-hmm.
07:12Ow, Frank!
07:15That's too hard.
07:16It's because it was two punches.
07:17I heard you went from earlier.
07:18Non-members fight, Beth.
07:19Calling it in.
07:20See?
07:21Douchebags.
07:22Beth, tell them to hurry.
07:29The swan is close.
07:31Listen.
07:33Four!
07:34Hey!
07:35You yell four before the ball almost kills us!
07:39Here's the plan.
07:40I'm going to scout the perimeter.
07:41You go to the grill, get us two BLTs, extra mayo.
07:43We are going into battle.
07:45We deserve a warrior's feast.
07:47I'm on it.
07:49Ah, four!
07:51Oh.
07:52Are you aiming at us?
07:57Oh, yeah, this better.
07:58Sniff me.
07:59I think you smell like a rancid, bloody Mary.
08:02What?
08:02What about date night with Maya?
08:04I only have, like, seven hours, Victoria.
08:06I've got to increase my steam time.
08:07Go on now.
08:10Hey!
08:11Um, so I finished correcting your practice test.
08:14Yeah.
08:14You got seven, right?
08:15Is that good?
08:16Out of 60...
08:18That's terrible!
08:19It's terrible.
08:20Oh, man, this is bad.
08:22This is really bad.
08:23I'm hopeless.
08:23I just feel like I'm choking under the pressure.
08:26Don't give up.
08:27New approach.
08:27I saw this TikTok of these kids doing a dance to memorize test answers.
08:31This, uh, is this a moonwalk?
08:33Are we still allowed to do that?
08:34No, see, first you get the answers in your body, and then you get them in your mind.
08:38These are the answers in your body?
08:40Are you okay?
08:40I'm just thinking about the Constitution.
08:43That's what that is?
08:44Yeah.
08:45I found something on the bottom.
08:47Where did we get this bed?
08:48I got it from behind the kennels.
08:50Behind the kennels?
08:51Yeah.
08:51You're doing a great job.
08:58Order for Shred.
08:59Yes.
09:00Two BLTs to go.
09:01All right.
09:03Hey, hey, hold on.
09:05Uh, this is a little crazy, but what are the chances your name Shred and you ordered the
09:09exact same thing as me?
09:10Um, busted.
09:13I'm sorry.
09:14It's okay.
09:15I'll let you off with a warning.
09:17Thanks.
09:18See you, uh, got the loaner jacket.
09:21No, this is mine.
09:22I actually lost 100 pounds.
09:24Impressive.
09:25Do you like a vintage cough lozenge?
09:27Um, no, thank you, because I'm actually not an 80-year-old woman.
09:31I get that.
09:32Mm-hmm.
09:32Um, anyway, gotta get back to my pond, chasing a swan in the 17th hole.
09:39Ooh, 17th hole.
09:40Mm-hmm.
09:41Could I walk with you?
09:42There's usually an unattended drink cart over there.
09:45You can absolutely walk with me.
09:48What the heck?
09:50I keep finding stuff in these pockets.
09:52It's truly crazy to watch.
09:56Shall we?
09:57I already said yes.
09:59All right, swan.
10:00Get ready for a beautiful maiden call from 1980.
10:04Whatever.
10:06Whatever.
10:11All right, I might be a little rusty.
10:21Have you seen my ball?
10:23Oh, you again.
10:25It's an orange titleist.
10:27I haven't.
10:28It's orange.
10:29Okay.
10:30I'm looking for a white swan.
10:32Should we just name the color of things?
10:34Green, grass, your turn.
10:36Okay, thank you.
10:46And the apple blanco.
10:49I'd recognize that hiss anywhere.
10:53Charette, exclamation point.
10:54I have spotted the swan, exclamation point.
10:57Come back, ASAP, exclamation point.
10:59Send message.
11:00No, don't type send message.
11:02No, don't type.
11:03No, don't send message.
11:06Five, six, seven, eight.
11:09Health and energy, transportation,
11:11homeland security, education,
11:14labor, state, commerce, HUD,
11:16veterans affairs.
11:17Agriculture.
11:18Yeah, I feel like this isn't working.
11:20Like, well, it's not like I can do the dance
11:22and the tests, so.
11:23I feel like the boots are weighing you down.
11:25Why don't you use my spare jazz shoes
11:27I keep in my desk?
11:28I think we're, um, both a size eight, so.
11:30Oh, wow, you know everyone's shoe size yet.
11:32Somehow you misplaced my very important male.
11:34How does that happen?
11:35Ah, uh, let's just focus on the dance.
11:38No, the dance is stupid
11:39and I'm gonna get deported, you numpty.
11:41I don't really think it's necessary to say things
11:43that I'm pretty sure are meant to be hurtful
11:44and maybe if you just studied just a little bit,
11:47we wouldn't really be in this situation.
11:49Wow, you're gonna turn this around on me
11:50because you were the one who lost my male.
11:53But you leave things to the very last second
11:55and that's a quality that you have.
11:57Wow, okay, so you want to go global?
12:00You want to talk about qualities?
12:01Yeah?
12:01Yeah.
12:02Okay, I have heaps.
12:03You always...
12:03You know, I know I have changed my mind.
12:05Heaps sounds like too much.
12:06Afraid of confrontation?
12:08That's definitely one.
12:09Well, confront this.
12:10I am no longer so sure about your bangs.
12:12My what?
12:13Your fringe.
12:17Okay.
12:19A lot of people in this office got a fringe because of me.
12:22Sue in dispatch,
12:23you think she just had the confidence
12:25to get a fringe all by herself?
12:26No, I talked her into that.
12:29Hmm, this is the prettiest spot on the whole course.
12:32I used a nanny for a family that are members here
12:34and I still use their number to sneak in.
12:36People don't seem to mind except, you know, security.
12:39Well, I've been known to pocket an extra bagel or two
12:43from the Continental Breakfast when I was on tour.
12:46What were you on tour for?
12:47This is going to sound like a brag,
12:49but I used to be a professional snowboarder.
12:52Until I blew up my ACL.
12:53I blew up my ACL.
12:54What?
12:55Really?
12:56Mm-hmm.
12:56But in a real sport.
12:57Platform diving.
12:58Is that a real sport?
12:59It is.
13:00Cool.
13:00Right or left?
13:01I blew up my left.
13:03Right.
13:04We'd be terrible in a three-legged race.
13:05Just awful.
13:06Mm-hmm.
13:07Mm-hmm.
13:10The sandwich is incredible, by the way.
13:12Right?
13:13Oh, God.
13:14Oh, God!
13:15One of us is eating Frank's sandwich!
13:18Frank.
13:18I'm so sorry, but I have to go.
13:20But this has been amazing.
13:22Can I have your number?
13:23Sure.
13:24Really?
13:24Yeah.
13:26That's crazy.
13:31Oh, my.
13:33Yo, mind if I hit the ride back to the green?
13:36I actually really have to go.
13:37But this was great, and you should call me.
13:40Okay.
13:40Yeah.
13:41I will.
13:42I will call.
13:43Laura, Johnny!
13:45Wait!
13:47What's your name?
13:49Her name can't be Sandwich.
14:04Where are you, dirty bird?
14:12Oh.
14:13The sky?
14:14The domain of cowards?
14:22I've learned some new moves since we last danced.
14:26I'm stuck.
14:27I can't move.
14:28Oh.
14:29I can't move.
14:30Frank!
14:31Stupid, majestic avian.
14:33I'm coming.
14:33It's too late.
14:34Where were you?
14:35I met a girl.
14:36Did you abandon her in a pond as well?
14:39One sec.
14:39Get in here!
14:40I'm stuck!
14:42Oh, take your time.
14:43What's with the sport coat?
14:45Did you have a first communion?
14:46I'm coming!
14:47You brought the sandwiches at least, right?
14:50Um, there was a slight issue with this.
14:52I'm gonna kill you.
14:53I'm sorry.
14:53Dereliction of duty, sandwich forgetfulness.
14:56You are on a roll, Shred.
14:57Come here.
14:58Okay.
14:58Grab me out of here.
14:59Okay.
15:00Go!
15:00Yeah.
15:01Four!
15:02Ah!
15:05Ah!
15:05Oh, my God.
15:08Well, at least they said it first this time.
15:14I am so pissed at Emily.
15:16All right, if you're gonna stay here.
15:17Can you hand me Frank's shampoo?
15:18The volumizing one?
15:20Yeah, I got it.
15:20Oh, right.
15:21So, I'm totally gonna fail this test, right?
15:24Well, you should have thought about studying.
15:25I will fight you.
15:26I'm ready to go.
15:27Relax.
15:28It's gonna work out.
15:29My father took the same test years ago.
15:31Pass with flying collars, by the way.
15:32Are you kidding?
15:33No, he passed.
15:33He did really well.
15:34Listen, you've just been sitting on that information.
15:36Let's call them.
15:37No, we only talk on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
15:39I call them on a Thursday.
15:40It'll be weird.
15:41Call them or I'll open the curtain.
15:43Do not, do not.
15:44I hate when you do that.
15:45Ha!
15:46Try to open the shower.
15:47I knew it.
15:48You need to be deported, okay?
15:50I should call them myself and tell them to get rid of you.
15:54Fine, I'll do it.
15:55Thank you!
15:57Before the swan comes back and I pin you down with ten steaks to offer you up as bait,
16:01I want to know what happened with my sandwich and don't lie.
16:04They're inside me and the girl.
16:07So while you were lady in the tramping my BLT, I was going nose to nose with the white devil.
16:11Look, I'm sorry.
16:12I get that this bird did a number on you and he took your portable record player.
16:16It's a disc man!
16:17And you know what?
16:18Rick would have brought me the sandwiches and a grape soda I didn't even ask for because
16:21he just knew he was a real partner.
16:24Well, a real partner would be happy for me because I just met the first girl that might
16:28actually help me forget about Emily.
16:30I wish the swan had pecked out my eardrums.
16:37Uh, Frank?
16:40He's right behind me, isn't he?
16:43What is wrong?
16:44Family okay?
16:44Kids okay?
16:45Hey, Dad.
16:46No, everything's fine.
16:46Why are you calling on Thursday?
16:48Why he's calling on Thursday?
16:50No, hey, Mom.
16:50Everything's fine.
16:51We're fine, Mom.
16:52Guys, can you turn the heat up?
16:54You're rich.
16:54Can you let me pay for it?
16:55How about that?
16:55Oh, Mr. Moneybag.
16:57Hi, work bestie.
16:58Hi, girl.
16:59Hi.
17:00I'm Aziza.
17:00You did really well in your U.S. citizenship, Jason.
17:03I would love any advice.
17:04Flush cards, laminate it, so you can bring them everywhere.
17:07I bought a laminator.
17:08What happens if they get weight?
17:09Why would they get weight?
17:11What if I want to study in the hot tub?
17:13Dad, will you tutor her?
17:14Pretty, please?
17:15Of course.
17:16If you tell me the real reason why you called.
17:18This.
17:19This is the reason.
17:20Amit, stop lying to us.
17:22Oh, my God.
17:25Ah, it's got my hair.
17:27Get it off.
17:27Get it off.
17:28It's in my hair.
17:29I can't.
17:29Run it.
17:30Oh, God.
17:33Okay.
17:33Okay, grab the jacket.
17:34I have to return that.
17:35Give me the jacket.
17:36Yeah.
17:37Just be careful with it.
17:38They have my cart on the hill.
17:39Throw me the jacket.
17:41Come on.
17:42Come on.
17:43Come here, you dumb bird.
17:45Yeah, you're about to go out in style.
17:51Got a birdie.
17:52Woo!
17:54Shoot!
17:55Shred!
17:56Go!
17:57Woo!
17:58Stagnum!
17:58Oh, yeah.
17:59You stole my Discman and my Prince's Greatest Hit CD, and now you're about to find out what
18:04it's like when a swan cries.
18:05Wait, whoa, hey, Frank!
18:06Whoa, whoa!
18:07Frank, walk it off!
18:08Okay.
18:09Okay.
18:09I'm fine.
18:10Going to the clubhouse for a drink.
18:20Patel's dad's marking my practice test.
18:22I'm a bit nervous.
18:23Well, I was eavesdropping on you with the flashcards.
18:26You were killing it.
18:27I think I've studied too much today.
18:29My brain needs alcohol.
18:30Do you want to get a drink?
18:33Wait, aren't we in the middle of, like, a massive fight?
18:36Can it be over?
18:38I'm really, really bad at apologizing.
18:40You don't have to apologize.
18:41I do.
18:41I dunked on your fringe.
18:43I'm so sorry.
18:45Me too.
18:45This is a huge relief because I thought me and you were just, like...
18:49What?
18:49The friendship?
18:50Just dead.
18:51Yeah.
18:51Friends fight all the time.
18:53We're going to have tons of fights.
18:54Really?
18:54Yeah.
18:55Knockdowns, I promise.
18:56If I don't get deported.
18:57Wait, no.
18:58That is not going to happen.
19:00You numpty.
19:03I do find the accent offensive.
19:05Mm-hmm.
19:07Mm-hmm.
19:10Hi.
19:11Well, Victoria, 15 out of 60, we got some work to do.
19:15Hey, that's eight better than I got last time.
19:19Right.
19:19U-S-A.
19:20U-S-A.
19:21We'll keep at it.
19:22We don't want Amit to lose his partner.
19:24By the way, he's doing such a great job around the office, you know, balancing it all, especially
19:28with Maya at home on bedrifts.
19:30Maya is on bedrifts.
19:32Bedrifts?
19:32Is everything okay?
19:33Oh, my God, Maya is...
19:34Up.
19:35Up.
19:38It feels like I kind of kicked something off there, doesn't it?
19:40It does, yeah.
19:42Where do I return this jacket?
19:44Oh, I'll handle it.
19:47I'm never getting that deposit back, am I?
19:49Those bastards gave me a ticket?
19:57For $200?
20:00Hold on.
20:01I have an idea.
20:04Unleaching this evil back on these wealthy douchebags is a really good idea, Shred.
20:08I mean, it's literally opposite of what we're paid to do, but it's really fun.
20:13Rick never would have thought of this, huh?
20:15Absolutely not.
20:16But he would have remembered the BLT, so it's a wash.
20:19It's okay, buddy.
20:20You come out whenever you're ready.
20:22You know, it's kind of symbolic.
20:23You're letting go of your decades-long feud with this bird and me?
20:26I'm letting go of my feelings for Emily.
20:27Yeah, I can tell by how you constantly bring her up.
20:31All right, fine.
20:32Tell me about this mystery woman who has questionable taste in men.
20:34What's her name?
20:35See?
20:35I don't know.
20:36That's the thing.
20:37She gave me her number, but instead of her name, she just put a sandwich emoji.
20:42No!
20:43No!
20:43El Diablo, drop the phone!
20:45Drop the phone!
20:47There we go.
20:50He loves gadgets.
20:55Mm-hmm.
20:56Yeah, Dad.
20:57Mm-hmm.
20:58Oh, you're coming in tomorrow.
20:59That's so soon.
21:00Oh, great.
21:01Hey, can you hold on a second?
21:02Maya's on the other line.
21:05Maya's not on the other line, is she?
21:08No, Maya's not speaking to me.
21:09Oh.
21:10Yeah, my parents are showing up tomorrow indefinitely.
21:13Indefinitely.
21:14Also, Maya does know about the skunk, because I still reek, so I'm having to sleep in the minivan
21:18every night.
21:18Are you mad at me?
21:20Why would I be mad at you?
21:22Okay.
21:23No.
21:24All right.
21:24You're my favorite of the late.
21:26Oh, thank you.
21:31Hey, Dad.
21:32Yeah, yeah.
21:33No, no, no, no.
21:33Maya's fine.
21:34Maya's fine.
21:34No, she just needs some food.
21:35No, no, Mom.
21:36We don't need food.
21:37Don't bring the food, Mom.
21:38Mom!
21:39See you next time.
21:42You
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