- 7 hours ago
Zero Stars S01E03 Albania
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TVTranscript
00:20Oh, great, there's a dog poo.
00:26Woo-hoo!
00:29We're here, baby.
00:30Most travellers avoid bad reviews.
00:33Let's see what the review says.
00:34One star.
00:35One star.
00:36I've never seen anything more stupid.
00:37If I could give it zero stars, I would.
00:39But not us.
00:40I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind.
00:43I'm Sarah Pascoe.
00:45I'm brilliant at this.
00:46I'm Roisin Conaty.
00:48Come on, fishy, fishy.
00:49We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
00:53As someone who has received bad reviews, I will always try to look to the good.
00:56So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
00:59They were so busy typing in their phone only that they forgot to look out.
01:02And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
01:05I'm close, so it's nothing to be afraid of.
01:08My review is 100 stars.
01:10But will this journey of salvation be a five-star funfest?
01:14I'm an absolute killer!
01:16Yes!
01:17Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
01:20Hell!
01:34Welcome to Albania.
01:36Welcome to Tirana.
01:39We've both never been here before.
01:40It's our first time.
01:42We're Albanian virgins.
01:45Don't spread that rumour.
01:48What do I know about Albania?
01:50I know it's very close to Greece.
01:52I've heard the people are nice.
01:55I know...
01:57As I'm doing this interview, I realise I don't know a lot.
02:00How do I say thank you in Albanian?
02:03It's a little bit long.
02:05Let's give it a go.
02:07Falemendere.
02:08Falemendere.
02:09A Northern Irish person saying a falem and a dairy.
02:14I'll have this language in no time.
02:15Yeah.
02:17The point of the trip for me is to make up my own mind.
02:19So I want to see as much of Albania as possible.
02:21I want to see the extremes.
02:22I want to see the new things.
02:23I want to see the traditional things.
02:24I want to get right into the underbelly of what makes Albania, Albania,
02:28and hopefully have a lovely time.
02:31For years, Albania was the North Korea of Europe,
02:35a communist state totally closed off to the world.
02:40Now it's opened up to tourism,
02:42and some are calling it the Maldives of Europe.
02:46So we're travelling from the capital to the coast to the countryside
02:50to see if we agree with reviews like this.
02:54Albania is my least favourite place on earth.
02:57You're going to have a bad time.
02:58Well, you know us.
03:00We love a challenge.
03:04I think it's there.
03:07You've made me think I've over-packed.
03:10I've definitely over-packed.
03:13The Rosa Blue Hotel in Serrana.
03:16Who could resist this review?
03:18Bugs were coming out of the bed all the time, pubic hair everywhere.
03:23And such a warm welcome.
03:26Hello, sir.
03:28They're in the banking district.
03:29Is this the hotel?
03:30That can't be the hotel.
03:33Well, we've got one each to guard us.
03:36Hello, sir.
03:37Like your gun?
03:38I don't know if they're friends or foes.
03:40Are they looking at us?
03:41I don't want to look at them in case they're watching us now.
03:44And we've been suspicious.
03:45Don't be suspicious.
03:46I can't not be suspicious.
03:48It's my nature.
03:49I said nice gun to him.
03:51Over-eat it.
03:53Welcome to Serrana.
03:58He's right.
03:59They both say down.
04:01I don't have a choice.
04:05Why?
04:06There's no up...
04:07How do you get upstairs?
04:08How do you get up?
04:09Just to see what that's...
04:11Oh!
04:16How are you going?
04:18609.
04:18Right.
04:20I mean, it looks pretty clean.
04:22It's lovely and clean.
04:24Considering...
04:24Compared to the reception, I'm now like, okay, fine.
04:26Hang on, hang on.
04:28Hang on.
04:31Holy hang on.
04:33This is fancy.
04:35You're such a pervert.
04:36Look at that bar.
04:37This is like how I imagine Craig David lives all the time in Miami.
04:42I like this.
04:44Do you not like it?
04:45Well, I hope you enjoy your poo.
04:47Hang on.
04:47This could be a problem, Roche.
04:50I'll just be a minute.
04:53Well, it's soundproof.
04:54No, you can't hear what I'm doing, can you?
04:56No, you can't hear what you're doing.
04:59Look, it is really clean, but this is a very weird room.
05:02Is the pink bit as well round the top?
05:05The light, the lighting, the art.
05:08Oh, I asked for that.
05:10I emailed them.
05:11Give me a glass tree, for the love of God.
05:15I love this bath.
05:17Oh, no.
05:18This is how I want to live.
05:20I can't guarantee I won't turn the taps on.
05:22Get up!
05:23OK, there's one pube.
05:24There's one pube I'm getting at.
05:25There's a pube?
05:26I don't look at it.
05:27But that happens in every hotel.
05:30Can't get them all if there's been a hairy man in.
05:32Yeah, it's like a...
05:34Welcome.
05:35Yes!
05:36Right, so where's your room?
05:38We'll see what this one's like and then we decide which one.
05:40Who sleeps in...
05:41Well, you're having pube room.
05:42Oh, my God, this is...
05:44Oh, my God.
05:46OK.
05:47I love it.
05:48I think this is how pop stars live.
05:50This is probably what Tom Jones's bedroom looks like.
05:53I think he'd have more towels.
05:55This is a good idea.
05:56Pebbles when you get out of the bath.
05:58To make you feel like you've been to the beach, like Brighton.
06:01Oh, that's exactly it.
06:02You have a cold bath.
06:03It is, look!
06:07What is in there, though?
06:09There's another room or something.
06:10What?
06:13What's that beeping noise?
06:15I think it's a lift.
06:17It is a lift.
06:18Oh, my God.
06:20I find that scary.
06:23You can't get in it.
06:25I've never seen that as a feature in a hotel before.
06:27Like, imagine if we pressed that button and then that is where the man, the scary man is.
06:31He's just like, hi, guys.
06:32It's where I'd hide.
06:33He could see you in the bath.
06:35I don't like it, actually.
06:37Well, it's your room.
06:39Now it's my room, is it?
06:40That pubes looking pretty good, right?
06:42I'm going to get one of the guys with the guns to come up and sleep next to me and
06:45protect me.
06:47It's just...
06:482.7, Sarah.
06:50Oh, here we go. Top review.
06:51Lady manager, very nice.
06:52Helpful food is goose.
06:55Breakfast, funtastic.
06:56Funtastic.
06:57Fun, putting the fun into breakfast.
07:00The room doesn't have water.
07:01That's the only problem.
07:02So this is a family complaining about a smell, but they say they've got a son, so it's probably him.
07:06They saw a mouse there.
07:08Whereas I like mice, don't I? So that's okay.
07:10There is something about pubes and we can verify that.
07:14Strange.
07:15Strange isn't bad.
07:17It's just different.
07:18Yeah.
07:18So, shall we go and explore Tarana?
07:21Yeah, baby.
07:21Let's Tarana it up.
07:30Our first stop, a tourist attraction reviewers have called Pointless and Ugly.
07:34We'll show them Pointless and Ugly.
07:37I can't say I'm excited about this.
07:39I am excited about it, Sarah.
07:41Ta-da!
07:43Well, that is a whole lot of pyramid.
07:47Apparently, it's one of the worst reviewed things in Tarana.
07:50That's why we're here.
07:51We don't want to see any of the good stuff.
07:52Oh, no. We're not here for that.
08:05It's English people. Are you English people?
08:07Yes.
08:07We knew we spotted you.
08:09Do you think this is a good pyramid?
08:11It's a pyramid.
08:12Yeah.
08:14We're going to the seaside tomorrow.
08:16Apparently, it's the Maldives of Europe.
08:18Yeah.
08:18We're going to the river for that.
08:19Which is the Thailand of Europe.
08:21Oh, is it?
08:22Oh, they know how to do it. They've claimed the whole world here.
08:25We're marketing.
08:26This is the Berlin.
08:29Lovely to meet you guys. Have a lovely holiday.
08:32Our next new friend is our pyramid tour guide.
08:36I'm Hilda. It's nice to meet you.
08:38And spitting image of Albania's favourite celebrity, Dua Lipa.
08:42Take us up those stairs.
08:44Come on. I hope we won't melt on the way there.
08:49One small step for man.
08:53Normally, though, at the top there would be like a...
08:56A water slide.
08:57People would slide down there.
08:59Did they?
08:59All these stairs that you see was just a big flat surface.
09:02Yeah.
09:03And people would slide down.
09:04I don't mind a few stairs.
09:06Maybe some tourist attractions could add in more physical elements.
09:09Westminster Abbey.
09:10You'd have a rope that you climb up to ding a bell or something.
09:14And this is it.
09:16The top of the pyramid.
09:17Don't sound so excited, Hilda.
09:20Top of the pyramid, everyone.
09:22It's party time.
09:25And time to get to know our guide.
09:28Hilda, you look a lot like Dua Lipa.
09:31Oh, really?
09:31Yes.
09:32And that's a compliment because she's very beautiful.
09:34Do you know her?
09:36No.
09:37Hashtag journalism.
09:38So the pyramid is so famous because in 1988,
09:43it used to be a museum based on the communist leader of Albania.
09:46And a few years later, when communism dropped,
09:50the whole museum was vandalized and abandoned.
09:52That is like the Millennium Dome.
09:54Now they have concerts and Drake's been there, so...
09:56You need to get Drake here.
09:57Yeah, yeah.
09:58Drake comes up through that.
10:00Absolute money maker.
10:03As someone who has received bad reviews,
10:05I will never agree with someone else's bad reviews.
10:07I will always try to look to the good.
10:09My mum always said,
10:10boring people find things boring.
10:12There's loads to do.
10:13You could bring some dominoes with you.
10:15A flask of tea.
10:20Well, we've seen the pyramid.
10:22We think it's fine.
10:23Let's go shoot some guns.
10:24Yeah.
10:25Enjoy.
10:27Let's get to the gun range.
10:31We asked Hilda what the locals do for fun in Tirana.
10:34And she sent us to a shooting range.
10:37Who knew Dua Lipa was packing heat?
10:40Rogat.
10:41Rogat guns.
10:43Do you like my pun?
10:44Yeah.
10:45Is it a pun?
10:47Rogat guns.
10:48Oh, Rogat guns.
10:49Rogat guns.
10:49Rogat.
10:50And then, like, the gun show.
10:52I haven't got those.
10:52I've got very limited upper body strength, Sarah.
10:55Most women have.
10:57Rogat guns is a gun range where reviewers complain
11:00that the safety rules lasted exactly five seconds.
11:04Oh, perfect for busy modern professionals like us.
11:09At least people live to tell the tale.
11:12Hello.
11:13Hello.
11:13OK, so it is your first time here, yeah?
11:15Safety rules.
11:16Hold the gun always in the direction of target.
11:18Don't turn around with a handgun, OK?
11:20OK, right.
11:21These are firearms, they're not toys.
11:22If you have any question, any problem,
11:24anything during shooting, put the gun there.
11:26OK.
11:27That's all about safety rules.
11:28It's basically hold a gun like that, hold it like that,
11:30press it like that over there.
11:33That's, I mean, I could work there now.
11:34I feel quite frightened now.
11:36Yeah.
11:36I was so full of bravado upstairs and then now I've got here
11:39and I've seen that.
11:39Terrifying.
11:40Just come here, both of you.
11:42Even that's scary.
11:45What colour did you like?
11:57I can't do one eye at the same time.
11:59That's right.
12:00That's why I can't wink in a sexy way.
12:02And the last thing, squeeze the trigger slowly with a deeper
12:04finger.
12:06That's all.
12:08Do you really not want to go first?
12:09I don't know.
12:10I feel absolutely insane.
12:12OK.
12:12Well then I'll go first then.
12:14Can you do it?
12:15Yeah.
12:16I'm an older sister.
12:17I'm used to leading by example.
12:26Hold it tight.
12:27Arms forward.
12:28Really like that.
12:29And then I push it to just like that.
12:31And then squeeze it in.
12:33Yeah?
12:33Yes.
12:34Fucking hell!
12:39It was really loud.
12:42Five stars.
12:42Have a nice evening.
12:44Thanks for having us.
12:45Fire came out of it.
12:46It's the door gone.
12:47Fire came out of it.
12:48I know.
12:49You shot a gun.
12:53Did I hit it?
12:54No.
12:54No, I did hit the paper.
12:56There we go.
12:57The paper but not the target.
12:58That's what I was aiming for.
12:59You're a very brave person.
13:02Yeah.
13:02But how could we do our job unless you have this bit of like,
13:04I don't want to do it.
13:05I'm still going to go on and do it.
13:06I just tried not to think about it and get the job done.
13:09Like an assassin.
13:10Don't get your empathy involved.
13:11Don't think about the victim.
13:13Just pull that trigger.
13:14Very soon was thinking too much.
13:16Has anyone ever got sick in here?
13:18No.
13:19So you'd be the first one.
13:21You could see the force and the fire out of it.
13:26It's like really visceral and it felt insane.
13:29And my whole body was like, no.
13:31Come on.
13:32But when you've got it in your hand,
13:33don't turn around and talk to anyone.
13:36I'm just, I've got this like, it'll hit me.
13:40Yeah.
13:41But it won't.
13:43Oh, will it hurt the piece of paper?
13:46Will my hands recoil?
13:48She was sort of worrying that she was going to suddenly turn around
13:50and go on a shooting spree against her will.
13:53So you pick up the gun and get an itch.
13:54So a spider jumps out at you.
13:56There's a lot that can happen in those seconds.
14:04We're in Albania.
14:06Lured in by bad reviews.
14:08We're at a gun range.
14:09This is mad.
14:10And Roisin's killer instinct is failing her.
14:12I was so sure I was going to be like Dirty Harry.
14:15Dirty Harry.
14:16I'm just Harry.
14:19Come on.
14:21He's not helping.
14:22He's not helping.
14:23Look how he's doing it.
14:25We are not killing anyone.
14:26So you are shooting for fun.
14:28So come on.
14:29That's right.
14:32OK.
14:35In this TV programme, it won't be a realistic length of time.
14:39But just so the viewers know, and I think in honesty,
14:40we should say we've been in there for three hours.
14:42Do you mind if I watch you?
14:52OK.
14:53Ready?
14:54Yep.
14:54Is it ready?
14:55Are they all ready behind me?
14:57Yeah.
14:57We're all good, guys.
15:05Like this?
15:06Mm-hmm.
15:06Yes.
15:12Perfect.
15:13Woo!
15:14Well done.
15:15You did it!
15:17Oh, my God.
15:18Ro not got guns.
15:20I wish you did so well.
15:21I did it.
15:23You did so well.
15:25Come.
15:25You did good.
15:27Roisin, you smashed it.
15:29I'm an absolute killer.
15:30Yeah.
15:31I'm an absolute killer.
15:32Maybe that's why I don't want to awaken the beast.
15:34Yes.
15:36You're welcome.
15:36Sorry.
15:37Thank you very much.
15:38You were better than Sarah.
15:41If I'd had 45 minutes to think about it,
15:43maybe I'd have been a bit better as well.
15:44OK?
15:45She did.
15:45I have...
15:46And it's not a competition.
15:48I can't believe this.
15:49All right.
15:50Give me the machine gun.
15:51Do you want me to guide you through it?
15:52Just my method?
15:54Oh, I think it was a lot about the tiptoeing, wasn't it, Roche?
15:57It was a lot about the tiptoeing very slowly towards the gun.
16:00It helps you be more settled.
16:02I think that's what all sort of big killers, they sort of get into.
16:05I'm actually impressed with that.
16:07You should be impressed.
16:09Because I close my eyes.
16:13It's not a competition.
16:14And I appreciated her magnanimous support of me.
16:18But I'm the natural born killer.
16:20Five stars, no note.
16:22Yeah.
16:22Thank you very much.
16:23Thank you so much.
16:24Thank you very much.
16:25I fired a gun.
16:26So now we've got gun residues.
16:28When we go back to the airport,
16:29they've got a reason to touch our bums.
16:34It's a new day in Albania.
16:36And after a relaxing soak in the pube jacuzzi,
16:39we're off to the seaside.
16:43Today's the day the real holiday starts.
16:44Why?
16:45Because we're going to go to the Maldives of Europe.
16:47What have you heard about it then?
16:49Maldives.
16:49It's going to be beautiful.
16:50Crystal blue water,
16:51tropical fish jumping up to kiss me.
16:53Your optimism is very endearing.
16:56In fairness, people do review beaches badly for mad reasons.
17:00It can't be worse than England, which is covered in shit.
17:01That's the advantage of coming from a shit country.
17:03Yeah.
17:04So I think we should probably wind our neck in.
17:08Right, what are we doing then? Are we having it?
17:10Yeah.
17:11We've got a very special taxi.
17:12And hey, our taxi's arrived.
17:14Boy, this guy likes Elvis.
17:19Hello.
17:20Oh, he's dressed like Elvis.
17:22He's dressed like Elvis.
17:27Would you like to go to the seaside, please?
17:31You're welcome.
17:35Oh, my God.
17:36Oh, my God.
17:37Oh, my God.
17:37Oh, my God.
17:38Oh, my God.
17:39Oh, my God.
17:40Oh, my God.
17:41Oh, my God.
17:41The music's starting.
17:42Whoa.
17:42My singers, my song.
17:44Your song?
17:44Ah.
17:45Amazing.
17:46How long's this drive?
17:49When Albania was communist, it was illegal to own your own car.
17:53So when the country opened up in the 90s, drivers bought their own vehicles
17:57and customised them to reflect their own personalities.
18:00Well, you know, most people just hung up some fluffy dice.
18:05Oh, is that the microphone?
18:17I should have got drunk.
18:19I know it's eight in the morning, but I should have got drunk, guys.
18:26Sorry.
18:26Ah.
18:28Oh, Elvis glasses.
18:29Sorry.
18:33Oh, he's dancing.
18:34Hands on the steering wheel, please, sir.
18:35Hands on the steering wheel.
18:37Woo!
18:38Really hands on the steering wheel, I think.
18:40This is a wild choice.
18:44Yeah.
18:44I'll clap if you drive, please, sir.
18:46We'll do the clapping.
18:48Woo!
18:50We'll do the clapping.
18:51Please.
18:53We've got so much to live for.
18:58I'll be honest, it's not that dissimilar to my dad driving me to school in the 80s.
19:07It's enjoyable, and then you remember he's driving.
19:10Woo!
19:11Yeah.
19:12Woo!
19:14Woo!
19:15Wild.
19:18He knows so many moves.
19:19Sadly, none of them are hands at ten and two.
19:21Hop, hop, hop-sa-tom.
19:24Hop, hop, hop.
19:25Hop-sa-tom.
19:26Hop, hop, hop.
19:28Hop-sa-tom.
19:29Hop-sa-tom.
19:29Hop-sa-tom.
19:30Hop-hop, hop-sa-tom.
19:31Hop-hop, hop-sa-tom.
19:31Hop-sa-tom.
19:32Woo!
19:32Woo!
19:33It's better, like, the 19th time, even.
19:36I hope we never get there.
19:41It's so pretty.
19:43I'm excited about the beach.
19:46Sunbathing, swimming, relaxing.
19:48What could possibly go wrong with a beach nestled in one of Albania's largest national parks?
19:55All I can see is sand.
19:57Oh.
19:57This is a long car park.
20:00I've never been anywhere like this.
20:01No.
20:01I don't know what this is.
20:02No, this is nothing on Earth.
20:04The moon?
20:05Oh, I can see the sea.
20:07Oh, my God.
20:08This is the beach.
20:08That is the sea.
20:10I've never driven on a beach.
20:12This feels so funny.
20:13It's so luxurious.
20:14Because they're usually covered with people having a nice time.
20:18Are you sure we're in the right place?
20:21Oh, great.
20:22There's a dog poo.
20:25This is rubbish.
20:29Is Diviaca Beach a nice place to take a swim?
20:33Nah.
20:38Now he's turned off the engine, we finally felt safe.
20:42Oh.
20:43Of course.
20:44He's got nunchucks.
20:45What's happening?
20:46Did Elvis do nunchucks?
20:47No.
20:48So close.
20:49It's so close.
20:50It's so close.
21:00It's just so surreal.
21:03It's like an episode of Twin Peaks.
21:05Can I have a go?
21:07Yeah.
21:08Ow.
21:10Looks like you're flagellating yourself like a Catholic who's done something naughty.
21:14Is it?
21:14You're actually very good at it.
21:15Yeah.
21:15Now that I've seen you.
21:16Do you want to go?
21:17I think it's more like this.
21:18Chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka.
21:20I'm brilliant at this.
21:21I didn't even ever know.
21:26It is good.
21:26It is good.
21:33It is good.
21:34It is good.
21:38How are we getting home?
21:40Well, I'm not doing nine hours of going without taxi.
21:43Bye, Elvis.
21:43She keeps us driving to the sea.
21:45Imagine.
21:46Oh, my God.
21:46The flamingos started touching my leg and I thought it was a beast.
21:51Obviously, it's a disappointing beach, but I'm crushed.
21:55It's not as bad as I was expecting.
21:57Oh, really?
21:57No.
21:58The reviews are really bad.
22:00One Star, a sad place.
22:02I'd agree.
22:03We went on a hike and then stopped because we were just walking through trash.
22:06There is a lot of rubbish on the floor.
22:08Pollution, ecological disaster.
22:10Ecological disaster?
22:11I haven't even seen a seagull.
22:13Oh, God, there's no wildlife.
22:14There's no wildlife.
22:16I'm presuming this might be their worst beach.
22:18The worst one.
22:19We've got to give them some benefit today.
22:20I hope so.
22:20It can't get much worse, really.
22:24Well, let's not be sad for holiday.
22:27But this bit, like, there's patches of beach that are nice and the sand's warm on my toes.
22:33Someone's lost a shoe.
22:35I don't want to flip it over in case there's a leg.
22:37Oh, don't.
22:38A leg underneath.
22:40Woo!
22:40No.
22:41There's a skull.
22:42There's a skull.
22:43It's a skull.
22:44It's a crab skull.
22:45No, it's not.
22:45That's a bigger animal.
22:46That's like a goat.
22:48My favourite thing is there's a cup here floating around and it's called litter.
22:51Well, that makes me feel hopeful that there will be somewhere to buy refreshments.
22:55No.
22:56Look at that.
22:57Completely abandoned.
23:04My house, if it had no bins, would be an ecological disaster.
23:07That's a solution, isn't it?
23:09Get some bins.
23:10Are we going to get some food?
23:12Yeah, I'm really hungry.
23:13We settle on a local restaurant called Ali Kali based on this tantalising review.
23:19The smell of horse urine was everywhere.
23:22Ooh, delish.
23:25This is looking very charming.
23:27Rustic.
23:28Yeah.
23:29Like I feel like we're in the belly of Albania.
23:32Yeah.
23:32I hear a generator.
23:33Love it.
23:35There's horses.
23:37This is like heaven, isn't it?
23:39We sort of love the ramshackle, rustic nature, would you say?
23:43Yeah.
23:43Perfect.
23:43It's almost romantic, wasn't it?
23:45Some nice horses.
23:46Hello, horses.
23:48This is sort of my perfect restaurant.
23:51Just hearing the birds and watching the horses eat their grass.
23:56Let's take a seat.
23:57Oh, there you go, madam.
23:59Sorry, I didn't ask.
24:00That's what you were waiting for.
24:02You know I won't sit down unless the chair's been pulled out for me.
24:04Sometimes forget how classy you are.
24:07This is nice, isn't it?
24:08It feels like we're really in Albania now, the countryside of Albania.
24:12Yeah.
24:12And it's nice and earthy.
24:15The bad reviews are probably because it's not that slick.
24:18It's not Wagamamas.
24:20It smells of outdoors, including animal excrement, let's say.
24:24Yeah.
24:24But we're not the kind of people that would bother us.
24:26We love it.
24:26Hang it on.
24:27Who hates this?
24:28Wagamamas could do with that.
24:36Yeah.
24:38Oh, oh.
24:39Fish.
24:41Okay.
24:42Okay.
24:45Is he wanting to?
24:46He's going fishing.
24:48You've sent him fishing.
24:49What?
24:50Let's see.
24:51He's run to get a horse and now he's riding the horse back to go fishing.
24:57He's literally riding around.
24:58I think he might be bringing you a bouquet.
25:01I think he's bringing you some flowers.
25:02A bouquet of fish.
25:03A bouquet of fish.
25:06A bouquet of fish.
25:06This country is so crazy.
25:08I'd be like, yeah, a bouquet of fish.
25:08It's okay.
25:09There's a load of bass.
25:11Things were about to get a lot more rustic than we had bargained for.
25:20We're in Albania.
25:21We wanted an authentic, no gimmicks dining experience.
25:26We've ended up in a horse restaurant.
25:34And you know what?
25:35Sometimes reviews are accurate.
25:38The smell of horse urine was everywhere.
25:41Mmm.
25:42Yummy.
25:43I'll do some fizzly water, I presumed.
25:45Do you want to steal?
25:47But it's curry in food.
25:53Big salad, lovely olives.
25:56Chips.
25:56This looks delicious.
25:59Thank you very much.
26:01Did you ever want to ride horses or have a pony?
26:05I used to go on holidays.
26:06Oh, yeah.
26:06I'd get to the mountain and everyone would get on the horse
26:09and then I'd bail out.
26:10I'd always have no wallet and no water
26:13and then I'd have to walk five miles to the town.
26:15What about you?
26:16You a horse rider?
26:17No, I can't help feeling it's a little bit cruel
26:20to put your whole body on an animal.
26:22I love them.
26:23Yeah.
26:23But I respect them as an equal.
26:24I wouldn't ride Boris Johnson, for instance.
26:27I wouldn't rule him out.
26:30I don't think personally we let the horse aspect very much.
26:34For years I eat animals, so, you know, you don't.
26:37At least you've got some...
26:38Yeah, I do feel smug about that.
26:41Oh, hello.
26:46Wow.
26:46But not for me.
26:47It's a whole fish.
26:48But not for me.
26:48OK.
26:49Oh, that's more than...
26:53Oh, OK.
26:54I'm a...
26:56The fish is very tasty.
26:58I think some people would love this kind of thing.
27:01Yeah.
27:02And I worry for the...
27:03You've got another spider in your hair.
27:04OK.
27:04I'm going to say zero stars.
27:06I've got spiders in my hair, OK?
27:07Oh, I haven't picked him yet.
27:09The pickles are delicious.
27:11Five stars, no note.
27:12The chips are nice.
27:13The salad's nice.
27:14Good...
27:15Good gear here.
27:16This is the thing about Albania.
27:1770%, great.
27:2020%, what is happening?
27:27We've had a thrilling day on the Albanian coast.
27:30Now that our intimate horse dinner date is over,
27:33we've decided on a romantic riverboat cruise
27:35to see if there's more to Divyaka than a horse waiter and a bad beach.
27:45Is it raining?
27:47I hadn't noticed.
27:51You sure got the weather for this booking, Sarah?
27:55Clean?
27:55Hi.
27:56Hello.
27:57Hi, we'd like a boat ride, please.
28:00So there's a...
28:02What's a daisy?
28:03You OK?
28:04Yeah.
28:04Yeah.
28:04I'm not elegant, but I am OK.
28:07OK.
28:07I'm not elegant either.
28:08Help me.
28:08Yeah, there you go.
28:09A lovely day on the river.
28:11Do you like rain?
28:13I like rain.
28:13Normally, I like watching it through glass.
28:17But this is more of an immersive experience.
28:20Oh, it's getting heavier.
28:21It's getting heavier!
28:24That's all right, pal.
28:25You keep the brolly to yourself.
28:27And your coat.
28:28Oh, why is the rain?
28:29Who turned the rain up?
28:31Someone turned the rain up!
28:33That's crazy!
28:34Oh, we're in South America!
28:35Oh, God!
28:36It's...
28:37OK.
28:39Well...
28:39Ah!
28:41Oh!
28:41Don't tip us.
28:42Oh, my God!
28:43Don't tip us.
28:44Don't tip us over.
28:46Don't tip us over.
28:47Don't tip us over.
28:48Oh, it's good fun, though.
28:49Yeah.
28:49Say what you want.
28:50It is good fun.
28:52Oh, my God.
28:52I'm having the time of my life.
28:54Oh, I am living right now.
28:59This is actually stunning.
29:01We're badly dressed for it.
29:03We were expecting...
29:04There's no such thing as bad weather.
29:06It's just bad clothes.
29:07Yeah, we're just not in the best of clothes.
29:10I needed...
29:10We needed goggles.
29:11We needed goggles.
29:12We needed flippers.
29:14Flippers.
29:15Scuba.
29:16Scuba wear.
29:17Oh, my God.
29:18It is actually really beautiful.
29:21Like...
29:21I wouldn't say really beautiful.
29:23I think it's really beautiful.
29:24OK.
29:25Even in this rain, I would give it five stars.
29:32It's hailstones.
29:34Is that...
29:34What comes out of there?
29:35Let's not think about it.
29:36Yeah.
29:37We're having a nice time.
29:39Albania.
29:40If you're looking for a trip of a lifetime,
29:42something different.
29:43Sure, you could come down this river on a nice day,
29:46but what are you learning?
29:46What are you feeling?
29:47Yay!
29:48Hold on.
29:50Hold on.
29:50Woo-hoo-hoo!
29:51Don't tip us, though.
29:52I don't think that we could be any wetter,
29:54even if we fell in the water, Rochi.
29:56No, but...
29:57Eels, maybe.
29:58Yeah, I know.
29:59Reave into it, Rochi.
30:00I think it got that balsamic vinegar out
30:02that I spilt on my skirt as well.
30:08I'm going to shake myself like a dog.
30:10Yeah, we're going to have to.
30:11Oh, there we go.
30:14Oh, my God.
30:16Oh, my God.
30:17OK.
30:18It wasn't raining in the pictures.
30:19It's a different thing when it's raining.
30:21I think this is, like, why monks live in horrible places
30:24and do horrible things.
30:25It's because you go to an extreme...
30:27Yeah.
30:28..and then you find peace.
30:29I think I loved it.
30:30Yeah.
30:31What a magical end to a zero-stars day.
30:35Hypothermia-induced delusion.
30:38In the morning, we take a stroll to a lovely beach in Vlora.
30:42Sort of miss the dog shit now, though.
30:43This is more like it.
30:45I mean, it's beautiful.
30:46I mean, it's not exactly the weather for it, but I'm English.
30:50I'll still get my bikini on.
30:52Oh, it's so nice.
30:54Yeah.
30:55I can imagine us here.
30:56Cup of tea.
30:57Some novels.
30:58Here it is.
31:00Yeah.
31:00You'd be very pleased if you turned up here for your holiday,
31:03wouldn't you?
31:03This is a well-reviewed place, I imagine.
31:05Yeah.
31:06That's just not our vibe.
31:09This is where the phrase that has been used a lot...
31:12Yeah.
31:12I'm going to let you say it.
31:13No, just like a hidden gem of Europe.
31:15Say what it is.
31:15Say a different phrase.
31:16Say a different phrase.
31:17If you don't want to say it...
31:18Say the phrase.
31:18If you don't want to say the Maldives of Europe...
31:21It's been said 45,000 times, and for once, it is relevant.
31:25It's really lovely.
31:26Yesterday it was like, Albanian people are insane.
31:28They think this is the...
31:29Yeah, the Maldives are going to sue.
31:31And now today we get it.
31:32Yeah.
31:32Maldives would...
31:33I think there would be a cease and desist.
31:37Yeah.
31:37Like when people are twin cities.
31:40We've twinned, we've twinned the Maldives.
31:42Yeah, I twin with Cindy Crawford and if she's got a problem with that,
31:44she can get on to my lawyers.
31:48And it is some sort of very lush and tropical.
31:51On a sunny day, it would be...
31:52Oh, heaven.
31:54Maybe it's only the Maldives of Europe if you go in the summer.
31:57Won't stop us though.
31:58For our next big day out, we're reuniting with our old pal, Haral.
32:03Today I will show you a piece of Albania.
32:06A real Albania.
32:07Very excited about this.
32:11Right.
32:12The real Albania?
32:13Where have we been?
32:14Is this AI?
32:15Look at it.
32:16Bye, Flora.
32:18Yeah, that's enough nice speech for me, thanks.
32:23What was it like living in Albania when it was a communist country?
32:27Albania was a dictatorship.
32:29An isolated country in the heart of Europe.
32:33Just as today is North Korea.
32:36To live in a country without freedom.
32:40It's not so easy to understand.
32:42But just to mention one example.
32:45You know, in the 90s, 91,
32:47when Albania was just in the first months of openness,
32:52came the jeans, the trousers of jeans.
32:55And, I mean, it has been an experience for me
32:59to buy a pair of jeans in the 90s there.
33:02What jeans did you buy?
33:05They were not Levi's, I'm sure about that.
33:08Not Levi's.
33:09Not Levi's, no.
33:10Not Levi's.
33:11What were the first jeans you bought then?
33:12Mine weren't Levi's either,
33:13because I got given like £15 or something.
33:17Yeah.
33:17And I went to Chapel Market
33:18and bought jeans that were stonewashed and too short.
33:21Yeah.
33:21My first jeans were probably from a supermarket,
33:23like George at Asda.
33:25So we could be a gang full of people who didn't have Levi's.
33:28No.
33:28And actually I still don't have any Levi's.
33:31No, I put a Levi jacket though and I'm enjoying that.
33:33I bought a second hand.
33:35Yeah.
33:35So noble.
33:40So when did the tourism boom start in Albania?
33:452021.
33:46Oh.
33:47Just after the pandemic.
33:49Oh, so it's really recent then.
33:51Albania in a certain moment became a tick-tock phenomenon.
33:56Oh.
33:56Oh, nice.
33:57But where we're going now, this is sort of off the tourist trail.
34:01We are going to Elbasan and it is a city just in the middle
34:06of Albania.
34:07I have some friends there and I'm sure that they welcome us.
34:11We're getting there before the tick-tockers.
34:12Is that what you're telling us?
34:14OK, right.
34:14Some of the reviews, they were saying that this was Albania's
34:18answer to Chernobyl.
34:19That's the thing when reviewers, you really have to,
34:21you have to be hyperbolic, don't you, to make your point.
34:23I've sort of written a review like that for a pizza.
34:26I do not think that the reviews give you a reality of the place
34:32where you are going.
34:33Yes.
34:33Yeah.
34:34So this is what I think the trip, I'm trying to be like,
34:36OK, go to places that you wouldn't choose if you read the review.
34:40Yeah.
34:40But also try and find something in it.
34:43And that's how adventures happen, Roshi.
34:45It is how adventures happen.
34:46High five.
34:53Good job.
34:53We're in the Albanian countryside.
34:56Our driver, Haral, is taking us to meet some of his family friends
34:59so that we can experience the real Albania.
35:03Here we are.
35:05Here we are.
35:05Will you get out?
35:10Wow.
35:11Oh, hello.
35:12Hello.
35:13Sarah and Roshi.
35:14Ah.
35:15Guitim.
35:16Oh, hello.
35:17Guitim.
35:17Guitim.
35:18Hello.
35:19I'm Romila.
35:19Hi, Romila.
35:21I'm Roshin.
35:22Guitim?
35:23Is Guitim?
35:24Guitim.
35:25Guitim.
35:26Guitim.
35:26What does it mean?
35:28Guitim is the name.
35:29Memory.
35:33Guitim, everyone.
35:34I thought you were saying...
35:36I thought it meant...
35:36David.
35:37Nice to meet you.
35:38David.
35:38David.
35:39David.
35:41How do you say nice to meet you?
35:49See you soon.
35:53See you soon.
35:54Haral's leaving?
35:56Oh, no.
35:57The social glue is gone.
35:58This is where you live?
35:59Yeah.
36:00I live here with my grandpa, grandma, my brother, mom and dad.
36:08So do you like drinking anything?
36:10Oh, I love to drink things.
36:12Okay, so I'm gonna tell my mom to bring you some special things that we do from our cacao.
36:19I like cheese, but before it gets like cheese...
36:22Oh.
36:24Oh.
36:24Oh.
36:25Pre-cheese drink.
36:27Sometimes being a vegan, whipping that card out really does come in handy.
36:30Traveling is one of those times, like, oh, sorry.
36:33I can't have your gross drink.
36:34Have you got anything else?
36:35Big glass.
36:37Hmm.
36:38What is it?
36:39Yoghurt?
36:39Is it yogurt?
36:40It might be yogurt.
36:41It's yogurt.
36:42It's delicious.
36:42It's absolutely outrageous.
36:45Mwah.
36:46I think Roisin had a much better upbringing than me.
36:48She's got very good manners.
36:49She's very polite.
36:50She would have drunk anything.
36:52So it starts like your traditional Greek yogurt and at the end you're dealing with the
36:55blue cheese.
36:56Yeah.
36:57So your throat does go a little bit like, what is happening?
37:01Yeah.
37:01It's sort of like all of the dairy products in one glass.
37:04Oh, God.
37:06After downing the blue cheese drink, Romella took us on a tour of her family's farm.
37:11My absolute favourite.
37:12Fit animals everywhere.
37:14I'll kiss you.
37:15I'll kiss you.
37:16I'll kiss the big chicken.
37:17I'll kiss the little chicken.
37:18There's millions coming, Roisin.
37:19Oh, my God.
37:20I'm about to be bombarded with chicks.
37:21This is my dream.
37:23They're so beautiful.
37:24This is the best thing that's happened in Albania.
37:27Hello.
37:28Roisin.
37:29Yay!
37:31For them!
37:33They do all follow each other, don't they?
37:36Yeah.
37:36They never leave each other behind.
37:39Do you use the sheeps for milk as well or for wool?
37:43No, it don't.
37:44For wool?
37:44Yeah.
37:45Maybe for wool.
37:47Yeah.
37:48Not.
37:48But we use them for, like, when there are, like...
37:59Do you eat them?
38:01Yeah, I eat them.
38:02OK, right, yeah.
38:03You were skirting round it, wasn't you?
38:05I love this eating from the tree.
38:06I've never seen anything like it.
38:08No, it's great stuff.
38:09Wait, wait.
38:09He's going to do it again.
38:10He's all finished.
38:10Get ready.
38:11Yay!
38:12I love it.
38:17You're really in the countryside, aren't you, here?
38:19Yeah.
38:20It's very smelly.
38:21Woo-hoo!
38:22There she is.
38:24Oh, I think I just...
38:25I thought it was a rocket.
38:26It's a massive shit.
38:29Hello, Martin.
38:30Hello, Martin.
38:31Hello, Martin.
38:31It's a cat.
38:32It's a cat.
38:34It's a cat.
38:36From one hardship to another, we were put to work picking cherries
38:40from the family's cherry orchard.
38:42Here, we are going to get the cherries.
38:46Oh, my God.
38:47These are so good.
38:48We could help them picking, but we are just...
38:50We've just come up and now we're just getting served.
38:52Oh, she got the earrings, though?
38:53Yeah.
38:54I was with an ex-boyfriend years ago and we all planted trees.
38:58Yeah.
38:58Ours was a cherry tree.
38:59We came back a year later and everyone else's,
39:02all the couple's trees were blooming and ours was rotten
39:05and we broke up on the way home.
39:07Sort of a bit triggering, actually.
39:10Do you know what I'm going to do?
39:11How I'm going to pick the cherries, Romella?
39:12I'm going to pick it like the sheep.
39:14Oh!
39:15Yeah, on two legs!
39:16Go, go!
39:21That was good fun.
39:22I see why the sheep are into it.
39:24Can you eat them like the sheep?
39:25I can't.
39:27Like the sheep.
39:28Romella, how old are you?
39:30Ten.
39:30This ten-year-old's got far more dignity than we are.
39:33How do I tell your granddad these are beautiful?
39:37The antebukola.
39:38The antebukola.
39:40Bukola.
39:40Bukola.
39:42Bukola.
39:42I think everything's good.
39:44Yeah.
39:45A little bit.
39:46OK.
39:46You're very good at lots of things but not lying.
39:48Yeah.
39:49No.
39:53So, would you guys like to hear an Albanian song about cherries?
39:57Oh, yes, please.
39:58Since we are in the territory.
40:00More than anything.
40:01Can I join the band?
40:02OK.
40:03I don't know if you've got the footage, but I know Albanian now.
40:07Bukola.
40:08Bukola.
40:09Bukola.
40:11Bukola.
40:12Bukola.
40:12Reisin, a bit louder.
40:13Can't hear you.
40:13Bukola.
40:15Bukola.
40:16Bukola.
40:17Bukola.
40:18That was very good.
40:20Some of you were really good.
40:22Listen, once a blaga, always a blaga.
40:24You think I'm not going to pretend to know the words?
40:26Every concert I've ever gone to, I've had to pretend to know the words.
40:29I think I'm going to open a YouTube channel soon.
40:31You're going to open a YouTube channel?
40:33Yeah, for singing.
40:34You should.
40:34You've got a beautiful voice.
40:35Yeah.
40:35I'm going to sing my song.
40:37Never read the comments is my advice.
40:39Yeah.
40:39Do you know?
40:39I don't care about the haters.
40:41No.
40:42I don't care about the haters.
40:42That's good.
40:42I only care about the fans.
40:45This experience, and I'm so relieved to say, is five stars.
40:49The weather's terrible.
40:50This is a shit day.
40:51And we're having the time of our lives.
40:54When people invite you into their home, and they've got real love of Albania, and they want you to love
40:59it.
40:59You really feel that, and that's really sweet.
41:01Thank you so much for today.
41:03Oh, thank you.
41:04It's my pleasure to meet you, too.
41:06My pleasure to meet you.
41:06There's a little present for you.
41:08Oh, thank you so much.
41:11Yours is much, much, much bigger.
41:12Yeah.
41:13They know what they're doing.
41:14She went to give it to you, and I took it.
41:16So, goodbye.
41:17Bye-bye.
41:18Bye.
41:19Hello.
41:19We headed back to Tirana, jammed up and looking for trouble.
41:22And by that, I mean a traditional three-course meal, if you catch my drift.
41:26Now, this is where we get our little treat.
41:28It's a celebration for all of our hard work.
41:30Exactly, bebe.
41:36Can I pass you a vine leaf?
41:38Oh, yes, please.
41:39This is a lamb's head.
41:40Oh, okay.
41:41It's often the traditional wooden stock.
41:43A lamb's head.
41:44A lamb's head, yes.
41:44This is the meatballs, and this is the lamb's intestines.
41:48It's much harder when you've just spent a day watching a sheep eating from a...
41:51You can't think about that now.
41:53Okay.
41:54I'm going to go in and put one of these intestines.
41:58You can look away.
41:59I can't take it.
42:00I can't.
42:01Honestly, this is as close as we're going to get to it.
42:03I'm a celebrity.
42:03Get me out of here.
42:04Okay.
42:09Would you like a nice glass of lumpy yogurt to wash it down?
42:15So this is the final dish.
42:17It's chicken.
42:19It comes with rice.
42:20Just a normal dish.
42:20Just chicken.
42:21Just chicken.
42:22Thank you very much.
42:26People come here expecting the Maldives of Europe,
42:29and I think there's a much more interesting story going on with Albania
42:32that isn't a tagline.
42:34It's beautiful, and the Albanians themselves are wonderful people.
42:39My trip in Albania has been an adventure.
42:43I saw some wonderful bits.
42:44It's like nothing else.
42:46I'm proud of myself for trying lots of new things.
42:49Boat rides in the rain.
42:52Eating intestines and simulated manslaughter.
42:56I'm an absolute killer.
42:57And I tried my first ever Jacuzzi with a pube in it.
43:01I'm getting out.
43:02Found out I'm a ninja, and I learned to dine like an Albanian sheep.
43:07Take that, the Maldives.
43:09Romella said to ignore the haters and only listen to the fans.
43:12We think Albania should heed her advice.
43:15When other things are provided, dustbins,
43:18I think people are going to absolutely love it here.
43:21But bring a really good friend with you.
43:26All right.
43:27Welcome to you.
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