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00:00The summer I turned 18, Asher made me cross a line I could never take back.
00:04I bit my lip through the ache, glowing secretly all night,
00:07convinced that six long years of loving him from a distance had finally, finally paid off.
00:12Then the next morning, I heard his friend laughing outside the classroom door.
00:16Okay, okay. Got the nerd to give it up, huh?
00:20My face burned, and I turned to slip away before anyone saw me.
00:23I'm trying to get with Chloe, but she'd think I was too inexperienced.
00:26So I'll use Stella to get some practice in first.
00:29I didn't say a single word.
00:30I just quietly changed my college application from NYU to a school thousand miles away in California.
00:37His words hit me like a thunderclap out of a cloudless summer sky.
00:40No warning at all. My mind went completely blank.
00:43It was a scorching July afternoon, but I felt like ice was spreading through every inch of my body.
00:48The guys inside kept talking, pausing only for a half second before someone else piped up.
00:54Classic Ashen, even Stella was just a warm-up for him.
00:57Everyone knows how hard it is to get into her pants.
01:03So what does that make her? Like, a practice dully?
01:07Asher just laughed it off.
01:10Relax. She got something out of it, too.
01:13I mean, Stella's cute and all, but compared to Chloe, yeah, no contest.
01:16Right.
01:18Asher threw a textbook at him to shut him up.
01:21It was just a vibe, okay? The moment happened, and honestly, she seemed like she was enjoying herself.
01:26The guys all exchanged knowing looks and started roasting him.
01:30Who knew the Bookberg was that freaky under all those cardigans?
01:34Bro, Asher's just built different. Why leave free food on the table, right?
01:37She's been chasing him for years. Technically, she got what she wanted.
01:41The laughter inside the room got noticeably louder.
01:45I pressed my teeth into my lower lips so hard I tasted copper.
01:48Both hands balled into white-knuckled fists.
01:50It took every single ounce of willpower I had to stay upright,
01:54to not just crumple right there in the doorway.
01:56Footsteps echoed down the hall toward me.
01:58I snapped back to reality and bolted, shoving my way blindly through the corridor.
02:02In my panic, I threw myself into the nearest bathroom stall and locked the door behind me.
02:11The tears came like a dam breaking, grief and humiliation pouring out all at once.
02:17Asher's words played on a loop inside my head.
02:19Every single syllable.
02:21They shredded what little self-worth I had left.
02:23If I hadn't heard it with my own ears,
02:25I never could have believed that the guy talking in there was the same one who had held me
02:30like I was something precious just last night.
02:32Turns out, you don't actually need to love someone to do that with them.
02:35Turns out, you can look a girl dead in the eyes,
02:38make her feel everything,
02:39and still be lying through every single second of it.
02:42The thing I thought was my happily ever after
02:45was just a punchline someone else got to laugh at.
02:48The more I cried, the worse it got.
02:50But I couldn't make a sound.
02:51My whole body was shaking so hard I could barely breathe.
02:55A long time passed.
02:56My phone buzzed.
02:57It was Asher.
02:58Just grab an Uber back.
03:00My crew's got a party tonight,
03:01and it'd be awkward to bring you.
03:03I didn't reply.
03:04He sent a follow-up.
03:05Also, pick up a morning after pill yourself.
03:08I'm busy today.
03:09Don't forget to take it.
03:10Good girl.
03:10I stared at those two texts for a very, very long time without moving.
03:15From dusk until nearly sunrise,
03:17Asher had been relentless,
03:18like he had a puke in the room.
03:20By the end, we were both completely wrecked.
03:22Right before he drifted off from his arms wrapping,
03:25he murmured the same thing twice.
03:27We weren't really prepared for the first time.
03:32I got you the pill first thing for a morning.
03:35He'd even given me this little lecture about how people needed to take care of themselves.
03:39Said the morning after pill was really important,
03:42and that skipping it could mess up my body.
03:44And I had actually thought,
03:45This is it.
03:46He's the one.
03:47He's being so responsible.
03:49I finally got my purse in.
03:51Now, the clarity hit me like a slap.
03:54I dug my nails into my own palm until the pain forced the tears to stop.
03:58I wiped my face, straightened my glasses,
04:01and walked out of that bathroom like nothing had happened.
04:03I was too embarrassed to go to a real pharmacy,
04:06so I ordered the pill online instead.
04:08When the delivery guy left the package at my door,
04:11I waited another long stretch
04:12before I could even bring myself to go get it.
04:15I swallowed it with a mouthful of my own tears,
04:17and then I just sat down on the floor,
04:20staring at nothing,
04:21completely empty.
04:25Ever since Asher's family moved next door to mine,
04:28I trailed after the light shadow.
04:30That had been ten years of my life.
04:32I had genuinely never stopped to think about
04:34what a world without him would even look like.
04:36I couldn't picture it,
04:38but starting right now,
04:39I was going to have to figure it out alone.
04:41Outside the floor-to-ceiling window,
04:43the neighborhood lights blinked on,
04:45one by one,
04:46and then off again.
04:47At some point,
04:48I really didn't know how long I'd been sitting there.
04:50Mia called me on FaceTime.
04:56Stella, why didn't you come to the party tonight with Ashler?
04:59That girl Chloe from the AP track is here, by the way.
05:02She has been all over him since you did the show.
05:04It's actually disgusting.
05:05In the dark corner of the VIP booth,
05:07Asher and Chloe were sitting so close together,
05:10their thighs were touching.
05:11Chloe had worn a crop top and a curve-hugging mini skirt,
05:14long tan legs, tiny waist.
05:17Even the way they were talking
05:18looked more like whispering secrets
05:20than having a conversation.
05:22I could feel the charged energy between them
05:24through the screen.
05:25Something in my chest locked up.
05:27He'd only said he wanted to chase her this afternoon,
05:29and apparently,
05:30tonight was all the time he needed.
05:33The game switched to truth or dare,
05:34and Chloe drew a card that said,
05:39Do a push-up challenge with a guy hovering over me.
05:44Predictably, Asher and Alan appeared before anyone else could open their mouth.
05:48Chloe blushed bright pink and lay back against the couch cushions.
05:51Asher planted his hands on either side of her.
05:54He was controlled the whole time,
05:56deliberately keeping his body from making contact with hers,
05:59until the very last one.
06:00His arms gave out,
06:02and his entire weight came down directly on top of her.
06:05The room erupted.
06:07Everyone screaming so loud,
06:09the walls practically shook.
06:10Asher's and Chloe's faces went even redder.
06:13With the whole crowd going absolutely feral around them,
06:16Asher just tilted his head down and kissed her.
06:18Not a quick peck,
06:19a full, deep,
06:21for the whole room to see kiss.
06:23Three full minutes before they finally pulled apart.
06:25For all three of those minutes,
06:27I sat completely frozen,
06:28eyes locked on the screen,
06:30barely remembering to breathe.
06:32I wanted to cry so badly.
06:34Oh my god, Stella,
06:36did you see that?
06:37He literally kissed her in front of everyone.
06:40He is so into her.
06:43Mia shook her head and stepped out of the booth,
06:45turning the camera as she went.
06:46Don't be mad at me.
06:47If I hadn't shown you,
06:49you never would have let yourself move on.
06:50I'm not mad at you.
06:52I'm only mad at myself for wasting so many years.
06:56I had always assumed that the spot beside Asher was mine,
06:59that it would always be mine.
07:00I am so done with him, Stella.
07:02Who does he think he is,
07:03watching you love him for years,
07:05acting all innocent like he had no idea,
07:06just letting you fall deeper and deeper?
07:08You saw what I showed you.
07:10I'm not giving myself the chance.
07:12Mia,
07:13I've already decided I'm going to California with you.
07:16But you have to promise me you'll keep it quiet for now.
07:19Right after I said it,
07:20I flipped open my laptop right in front of her.
07:22Without a single second of hesitation,
07:24I changed my first choice school to the one in California,
07:28one minute before the deadline.
07:30Mia basically levitated off the ground.
07:32She'd been begging me for months
07:34to apply to the same school as her.
07:36But back when we started high school,
07:38Asher and I had made this pact.
07:39We'd work hard together
07:40and go to his dream school up in Boston after graduation.
07:44It had his aerospace engineering program,
07:46the one he'd been obsessed with since we were kids.
07:49So even though I didn't particularly love the idea of brutal winters,
07:52and even though that school was a technical institute
07:55that didn't even have my major,
07:57I'd spent three years treating it like my only option.
08:00Our families had lived next door to each other for so long
08:02that both sets of parents thought it was basically a done deal
08:05we'd end up at the same school.
08:07Everyone, including me,
08:09assumed Asher and I would just naturally become official
08:11once we got to college.
08:13But right now, I couldn't think of a single reason
08:15to still go to Boston.
08:17Because honestly, after today,
08:19if I kept following Asher around the way I always had,
08:22I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again.
08:25I just needed to go somewhere far away.
08:27It didn't even matter where,
08:29as long as he wasn't there.
08:30He was going east, so I was going west.
08:33Before bed, I filled the entire bathtub.
08:35I needed to scrub every inch of myself clean.
08:38But when I took off my clothes,
08:40the bruises on my skin were still so vivid,
08:43it made me flinch.
08:44The memories from last night rushed back
08:47before I could stop them.
08:48The burning heat of his skin pressed against mine.
08:51The sound of his breath ragged and warm against my ear.
08:55The ghost of it all still seemed to linger in the air around me.
08:58I shook my head hard,
08:59physically trying to shake myself free of it.
09:02Then, I grabbed the roughest loofah I owned
09:04and scrubbed myself raw,
09:06over and over,
09:07until my whole body was flushed pink and singing.
09:11I was trying,
09:12clumsily,
09:13desperately,
09:13to erase what was officially
09:15the worst night of my entire life.
09:18The result was that the pain kept me awake the whole night anyway.
09:22Asher didn't text.
09:23For the first time in six years,
09:25ever since we both got phones,
09:27we didn't say goodnight to each other.
09:28That was fine.
09:29It was going to happen eventually anyway.
09:31Tonight was as good a time as any to start letting go.
09:34I didn't fall asleep until just before sunrise,
09:37drifting in and out of exhaustion.
09:39Early the next morning,
09:40while I was still buried in sleep,
09:42I felt,
09:43in that foggy space between dream and awake,
09:46the soft press of lips against my forehead.
09:49I jolted awake.
09:50The first thing my eyes landed on
09:51was a jaw I knew too well
09:53and the soft dip of a throat right above me.
09:56The scent hit me next.
09:57Cedarwood.
09:58That cologne he always wore.
10:00And underneath it,
10:01the faintest trace of something new.
10:03Something citrusy
10:04that wasn't his.
10:05Right.
10:06I'd completely forgotten
10:07that Asher still knew my front door code.
10:09Seeing me awake,
10:11he shifted lower
10:11and tilted his face down toward my lips.
10:14I shoved him back with both hands
10:15and scrambled to the far edge of the bed.
10:17He blinked,
10:18then let out a short laugh
10:19like I'd surprised him.
10:23Since when are you shy?
10:25I didn't answer.
10:26I just yanked the blanket over my head
10:28and disappeared under it.
10:29Asher started talking.
10:33Stella, seriously.
10:34You didn't say goodnight,
10:35you turned your phone off
10:36and now you're hiding under a blanket?
10:38Still avoiding me?
10:40Then he just lifted the blanket
10:42and slid himself right in.
10:45Hey, how many times have I told you
10:47you can't skip breakfast?
10:49I ran half a mile
10:51to get you those croissants
10:52from your favorite place
10:53and it stood in line forever.
10:55Wanna get up and eat now?
10:57Or get eaten?
11:01Reality crashed back in
11:02and I fought like my life depended on it.
11:05But I'm 5'2 in sneakers
11:06and Asher is literally 6'2 of solid muscle.
11:09I honestly could not figure out
11:11what game he was playing.
11:12He had Chloe now,
11:13so what was he even doing in my bed?
11:15I tried to push him away
11:17only to be held even tighter.
11:19Let go of me!
11:21After what felt like forever
11:22of thrashing around,
11:23I was panting
11:24and had accomplished nothing
11:25except being held even tighter.
11:27What's the tantrum about?
11:30You're mad because I didn't bring you
11:32to the party last night?
11:33Over something that small?
11:34I said nothing.
11:35He buried his face
11:36in the curve of my neck
11:37and actually laughed.
11:39Let me guess.
11:41Mia told you something?
11:42It was a party game, Stella.
11:44Is it really worth getting jealous over?
11:46You're doing that thing you always do.
11:48I get slightly close to another girl
11:50and you go all silent and sulky.
11:53I was so furious,
11:54I couldn't even form a sentence.
11:56I dredged up something
11:57from a self-defense unit in gym class,
11:59snapped my knee up hard between us,
12:01and the second he doubled over,
12:03I launched myself out of that bed.
12:05Stella.
12:06Asher's jaw went tight,
12:07his whole face going red.
12:09I grabbed a hoodie off the floor
12:10and yanked it on over my pajamas.
12:13I did not want to be in any room with him,
12:16and especially not my bedroom.
12:27Hey, you took that pill yesterday, right?
12:29Because I really don't need that kind of drama,
12:31and I definitely don't want to have
12:32that conversation with your parents.
12:42Come on, be reasonable.
12:43Eat something before you pick a fight.
12:48You know your stomach's sensitive.
12:58What is actually going on?
13:01Stella, even a tantrum needs a reason.
13:03There have to be some limits here.
13:05I kept my voice ice cold
13:07and set it flat.
13:08I don't deserve to have any say.
13:11Asher snapped.
13:12He slammed the cup down on the coffee table
13:14so hard it cracked.
13:15The plastic split,
13:17and the smoothie spilled out in a wave,
13:19soaking into the rug.
13:20What is that supposed to mean?
13:23Who do you think you are, Stella?
13:26Who do you think you are?
13:29We slept together once, it was consensual,
13:32and now you think you own me?
13:35Do you know how suffocating that is?
13:38His voice had a viciousness to it I had never heard before.
13:41The second he finished speaking, my eyes flooded.
13:44No warning, no buildup, just instant tears.
13:48Yesterday's humiliation came crashing back,
13:50hitting me all over again like a fresh wound.
13:53Asher clearly hadn't expected me to cry this hard this fast.
13:56He looked genuinely thrown, scrambling for what to do.
13:59He crouched down and said he was sorry.
14:02I'm sorry.
14:03I drank too much last night, and I was out of line just now.
14:06He reached out to wipe my face, but I twisted away,
14:09putting distance between us.
14:10His hand froze in midair, hovering there.
14:12He opened his mouth to keep trying, but his phone buzzed.
14:15He glanced at the screen once, and his entire expression shifted,
14:19and he stood up and moved toward the door.
14:21I've got something urgent.
14:22Take a minute to calm down.
14:24We're going to college soon.
14:26You can't keep throwing fits like a little kid.
14:29Who's going to put up with that?
14:36He hadn't been gone 30 minutes when Mia sent me a screenshot.
14:39Chloe's Instagram story just said,
14:42I'm hungry, and breakfast appeared like magic.
14:44Pretty sure this is mutual now, with a little heart.
14:47The photo was of the exact same croissants
14:50that were sitting on my kitchen counter.
14:52I didn't respond.
14:53I just quietly wiped my eyes, got on my hands and knees,
14:56and started cleaning up the smoothie Asher had spilled.
14:59I scrubbed for a long time before I accepted,
15:01with a hollow feeling in my chest
15:03that the stain had soaked all the way through the wool rug,
15:06and wasn't coming out.
15:08So, I just threw the whole rug in the trash.
15:10It didn't matter anyway.
15:11That rug was something Asher and his parents
15:13had spent an entire afternoon picking out on a family trip,
15:17and he'd lugged it home in his carry-on himself.
15:19Then, I went through everything else.
15:21Every single thing Asher had ever left at my place.
15:24Every gift he'd given me over the years.
15:27Every photo of the two of us.
15:28Every small souvenir and keepsake.
15:30It took the rest of the day,
15:32but I packed every last bit of it up,
15:34and threw it all out.
15:38I doubted he'd want any of it back, anyway.
15:41After he left that day, the silence stretched.
15:44Days went by, and he didn't reach out at all.
15:46Things with Chloe were probably going great,
15:48or maybe he was waiting for me to be the one who caved first.
15:51In every fight we'd ever had,
15:53I was always the one who broke first.
15:55Every single time.
15:57No exceptions.
15:58But this time I didn't go looking for him,
15:59and I didn't have any reason to.
16:01I blocked him on everything.
16:03Text, all social media,
16:05changed my front door code,
16:06and deleted every account he might use to find me.
16:09After that, I called my parents,
16:10who were both traveling for work.
16:12I told them I wanted to spend the summer
16:14visiting my aunt on the other side of the country.
16:16My plan was to stay there until school started,
16:19then head straight to California with Mia,
16:21instead of coming home.
16:22Other than Mia,
16:23no one else knew yet that I'd changed my application.
16:26This plan should work perfectly.
16:28There was basically zero chance I'd run into Asher
16:31if I pulled this off right.
16:32My mom actually laughed over the phone.
16:36Ooh, so you and Ashler are taking a vacation together?
16:39I made up a quick excuse and didn't go into detail.
16:42I just told her I wanted to visit my aunt and grandma.
16:45I begged my dad to book me the first available flight,
16:47and I was ready to leave that same night.
16:50Of course, because the universe has no chill,
16:52I ran into Asher's mom right at our front door
16:55on my way out.
16:56She grabbed my arm warmly and started chattering.
17:00Stella, honey, where's Asher?
17:02He's not going to pick you up?
17:03Didn't he say he was taking you on that ski trip?
17:07Go have fun.
17:09I am 100% behind you two.
17:12I was confused.
17:13I had mentioned once during senior year
17:16that I'd always wanted to try skiing in Colorado,
17:19just offhand.
17:19But given everything that had happened between us,
17:22the idea of going on a trip together
17:24seemed completely impossible.
17:26I was running out of time, though,
17:28so I said something vague and non-committal
17:30and slipped away.
17:31What I never expected was that at the airport,
17:33I would come face to face with Asher.
17:38He was with a group of friends.
17:40Chloe was there, too.
17:41Asher had her designer bag in one hand
17:43and his other arm slung around her shoulder.
17:45They were trailing at the back of the group.
17:47Every so often, Chloe would lean her head
17:49toward him to say something.
17:51And every single time,
17:52without any hesitation,
17:54he would bend down to listen.
17:55He never did that with me.
17:57Asher had always been taller than me,
17:59and the gap had only gotten bigger over the years.
18:02When it was the two of us,
18:03I was always the one bouncing on my toes,
18:05craning my neck up just to catch his eyes.
18:08Turns out, for the right person,
18:10he would be the one who bends.
18:11I breathed in slowly.
18:13I told myself I needed to have some dignity about this.
18:16Whatever he did was none of my business.
18:18If I let myself overthink it,
18:20I deserved to be slapped.
18:22But there seemed to be only one path to the gate.
18:25All I could do was stay far enough behind
18:27that he wouldn't notice me.
18:28By some miracle,
18:29we eventually reached a fork in the terminal
18:31where the path split.
18:33Asher seemed to get distracted around then.
18:35He made a bunch of calls,
18:36none of which seemed to go through,
18:38and then spent a long time staring at his phone.
18:40Eventually, he borrowed someone else's phone,
18:43his face dark and unreadable,
18:44and disappeared into a nearby bathroom.
18:47A moment later,
18:48my phone rang.
18:49Unknown number.
18:51So you've got a real attitude on you this time.
18:53You're just not going to come to me first?
18:56You actually blocked me?
18:59Fine, keep it up.
19:00See how great you do when we're both in Boston
19:02and you don't know anyone
19:03and there's no one to look out for you.
19:05Asher came out swinging,
19:06rattling off complaints in one long, irritated breath.
19:09I had absolutely nothing to say to any of that,
19:13but Asher seemed to get angrier at my silence.
19:16I'm done talking about this.
19:17Just unblock me.
19:19I'm heading out of the country
19:20for a couple of days with some friends.
19:22Probably won't have great reception.
19:26Don't get all weepy about it.
19:28I couldn't even be bothered
19:29to say a single word back.
19:31I hung up and turned my phone off.
19:33From across the terminal,
19:34I watched Asher stalk back to his group,
19:36his expression stormy.
19:38He grabbed Chloe's hand,
19:39didn't hesitate for a second,
19:41and walked toward the left gate.
19:43I let out a long breath,
19:44turned around,
19:45and headed right.
19:47With my family,
19:49I performed happiness.
19:50And honestly,
19:51I got pretty good at it.
19:52I deliberately kept myself slammed with plans,
19:55filling every gap in the day
19:57so I had no room to spiral.
19:59I definitely didn't add Asher back
20:00the way he'd demanded.
20:02But Mia and some others
20:03kept me updated on his life anyway.
20:05Asher and his friends
20:06had apparently been swimming in Colorado for days.
20:09For some reason,
20:10he was suddenly posting on social media
20:12every single day,
20:13which was completely unlike the version of him
20:15who used to go months without posting anything.
20:18Sometimes it was slow motion clips of him
20:20carving down the slopes.
20:22Sometimes it was food and late night parties.
20:24But mostly it was big group shots
20:26of everyone clowning around in the snow.
20:28Even though I genuinely didn't want to see it.
20:30Somehow people kept sending it to me unprompted.
20:33Everyone was very casually curious
20:35about why I hadn't gone with Asher.
20:37I didn't know what to say,
20:38so I just told people I had family stuff going on.
20:41Mia was the only one
20:42who openly called him a trash human.
20:45Everyone else around me
20:46seemed to be constantly stopping themselves
20:47from saying something.
20:49I knew they'd probably figured out
20:51something was wrong.
20:53In every single group photo Asher posted,
20:56he and Chloe were glued together,
20:57inseparable.
20:58But that spot beside him
20:59had been mine for years,
21:01just mine.
21:02Every time I saw one of those photos,
21:04my face stayed completely neutral,
21:05but something deep in my chest would clench.
21:08He was the first person I ever fell for,
21:10someone I had genuinely,
21:12completely, embarrassingly loved
21:14for such a long time.
21:15In the middle of the night,
21:16alone,
21:17I would fall apart a little,
21:18and sometimes I felt this stubborn,
21:20stupid feeling that I wasn't ready to let go.
21:22But every time that feeling started rising,
21:25I'd replay his words
21:26and give myself a mental slap.
21:28I'd repeat it to myself over and over.
21:30Stella, don't be pathetic.
21:32That's the fastest way
21:33to make yourself even less worth respecting.
21:36Just hold on a little longer.
21:37Once the detox period was over,
21:39everything would be fine.
21:40We went a full month without any contact,
21:43the longest we'd ever gone
21:44since the day we met.
21:45Distance and time turned out
21:47to be the best medicine.
21:48I ground through the worst of it
21:49and came out the other side.
21:51Just when I'd reached the point
21:52where I didn't think about him
21:53every hour of every day,
21:55he switched to a new number
21:56and called me from across the country.
22:01So you're just that bold,
22:03running off without me
22:04and staying this long?
22:06Summer's almost over, Stella.
22:09Did you forget you promised
22:11to go on a trip with me?
22:12Maybe it was because
22:13we'd gone so long without talking,
22:15but underneath all the complaints,
22:16his voice had this edge to it,
22:19almost careful.
22:20I still didn't want to talk to him.
22:21I was about to hang up
22:22when his mom snatched the phone.
22:24Stella, sweetheart,
22:26are you having fun out there?
22:28This boy won't tell me anything.
22:30I only just found out
22:31you two had a fight.
22:33Don't be too hard on him, honey.
22:35When you come back,
22:36I'll make him apologize to your face.
22:39Oh, and Ashler
22:40just got his acceptance letter today.
22:42Yours should come soon, too.
22:44Have you thought about
22:45when you'll come home
22:46for your going-away party?
22:48I've got a little surprise planned.
22:50Asher's mom had been
22:51like a second family to me
22:52since I was little.
22:53I couldn't bring myself
22:54to hang up on her,
22:55so I stayed on and let her talk.
22:57I'm not really planning
22:58to have a party.
22:59My parents are always traveling,
23:01and honestly,
23:02we can just do a video call thing
23:03with family.
23:04I probably won't be back
23:05before school starts anyway.
23:07I'll just come home
23:08right before move in.
23:09I didn't even finish the sentence
23:10before Asher took the phone back.
23:12His breathing was heavy.
23:13I could feel the anger
23:15coming through
23:15from 3,000 miles away.
23:19Stella,
23:20I'm literally the one
23:21reaching out first here.
23:22How much longer
23:23are you going to keep this up?
23:25If you don't come back,
23:26don't expect me to wait for you.
23:28I'll head to Boston without you.
23:30He delivered the threat
23:31in this cold, flat voice,
23:33waited and waited
23:34without getting the answer he wanted.
23:37My acceptance letter
23:38had already arrived at home.
23:39When they saw the school name
23:41on the letter,
23:41my parents finally found out
23:43I'd changed my application.
23:45My mom video called me.
23:46Hi, baby.
23:47Why didn't you talk to us
23:49before changing your application?
23:51Does Asher know?
23:52His mom called this morning
23:54asking if your letter
23:55had come yet.
23:56I had no words.
24:01Baby,
24:01how are we supposed to feel okay
24:02about you going all the way
24:03to California alone?
24:04Aren't you the kid
24:05who's terrified of bugs
24:07and can't handle heat?
24:09You really think you can manage?
24:11Don't call me
24:11to come deal with it for you.
24:13That school has a lot to offer
24:15and Mia will be going there too.
24:17You don't have to worry.
24:18Is this about a fight with Asher?
24:21Because that's not a reason
24:23to switch schools
24:23across the country.
24:26What if you change your mind
24:27in a week
24:28and want him back?
24:29Then what?
24:30It's hard at your caption.
24:32I just decided
24:33to say it straight.
24:35Asher has a girlfriend.
24:37Mom,
24:38Dad,
24:38I have my own life
24:40and I don't want to just
24:42orbit around his forever.
24:44So please support my choice
24:46and please keep it
24:47between us for now.
24:49My parents looked at each other
24:51for a long time
24:52without speaking.
24:53The only thing they asked
24:54was that I come home sooner
24:56rather than later.
24:57School was starting soon
24:58and they wanted time with me.
25:00My mom mentioned that Asher
25:01had gone off on another trip
25:02with friends
25:03the very next day
25:04after getting his acceptance letter.
25:06He'd been gone
25:06for days.
25:08His mom was apparently
25:08calling my mom regularly
25:10asking when I was flying back.
25:12On the day I landed,
25:13my parents showed up
25:14at the airport
25:15dressed like they were
25:16going somewhere formal.
25:17I woke up from my nap
25:18on the drive.
25:19I realized
25:20they'd pulled up
25:21to a five-star hotel.
25:23I was still half asleep
25:24when my mom grabbed my arm
25:25and steered me
25:26through the lobby.
25:27And right there,
25:28standing in the middle of it,
25:30was Asher
25:30who I hadn't seen
25:32in months.
25:32My feet
25:33stopped moving
25:34on their own.
25:35Asher was in a perfectly
25:36fitted black suit
25:37leaning casually
25:38beside the lobby fountain
25:40like something
25:40out of a magazine spread.
25:42Just one summer
25:43was all it took.
25:44The boyish edge
25:45had faded
25:45and he looked exactly
25:46like the version of him
25:48I used to imagine
25:49when I tried to picture
25:50him grown up.
25:51Something complicated
25:52twisted in my chest.
25:53I'd avoided this moment
25:54for months
25:55and now here it was
25:56sprung on me
25:57with no warning.
25:58Stella,
25:59it's Ashler's
26:00going away party.
26:01We figured we'd pick you up
26:02and bring you straight here.
26:04You said you didn't want
26:05a party of your own,
26:06right?
26:07Ashley asked his parents
26:08to set the date
26:09for the day you got back
26:11so you can kind of
26:11both celebrate together.
26:13Asher seemed to sense something
26:14because right then
26:15he casually glanced over
26:17and his gaze
26:18landed directly on mine.
26:19My heart lurched sideways,
26:21still felt like
26:22the floor dropped out.
26:23But Asher moved first.
26:24He took one step
26:26toward us
26:26and then Chloe appeared
26:27out of nowhere
26:28and slipped her arm
26:29through his.
26:30She pulled him along
26:31with her,
26:31smiling wide,
26:32and walked right over
26:34to us.
26:35Oh my gosh,
26:36Stella,
26:37you're back!
26:38I've been wanting
26:39to properly meet you
26:40forever.
26:41I always saw you
26:42around with Asher.
26:44I'm from the AP track
26:46so we never officially met
26:48and I'm genuinely
26:50sad about that.
26:52Yeah.
26:53Asher looked vaguely
26:54uncomfortable.
26:54Why would you want
26:55to get to know her?
26:57She's just a drama queen
26:58who throws fits.
27:00I honestly thought
27:01she'd stayed in her
27:02aunt's state forever.
27:03The world will keep
27:04on turning
27:05and your name
27:05will be forgotten.
27:07I had nothing
27:07to say to that.
27:08There was genuinely
27:09no response.
27:10Chloe's silver bodycon dress
27:12was covered in tiny crystals
27:14that caught every bit
27:15of light in the room.
27:16I glanced down at myself.
27:17White tea,
27:18jeans,
27:19sneakers,
27:19hair that still had
27:20a slight slept-on
27:21wave from the plane.
27:22I looked like I'd made
27:23a wrong turn
27:24on the way to a convenience store.
27:25I brought a dress
27:26for you, baby.
27:27You can go change
27:27in the powder room.
27:28I nodded,
27:29then shook my head.
27:30There was no point.
27:31This wasn't my party.
27:33Asher kept staring at me
27:34with this unreadable expression.
27:36Chloe's eyes kept flicking
27:37back and forth
27:38between the two of us.
27:39Luckily,
27:39a few more guests
27:40arrived just then,
27:41and Chloe immediately
27:42pulled Asher over
27:43to greet them.
27:44Like she was already
27:45the hostess.
27:46Mom, let's go in.
27:47I'm a little hungry.
27:50It was a small gathering.
27:52Asher had only invited
27:53close family
27:53and a handful of friends.
27:55Every single person I knew
27:56looked visibly shocked
27:58when they saw me walk in.
27:59I just smiled
28:00and said hello
28:01and acted like
28:02I didn't notice,
28:02but nobody was subtle
28:04about their curiosity.
28:05The people watching energy
28:06was off the charts.
28:10I slipped out
28:10to the terrace
28:11for some air
28:12and could immediately
28:13hear a small group
28:14in the hallway
28:14cornering Asher
28:15for the gossip.
28:18Wait,
28:19didn't Stella fall out
28:20with you over the Chloe thing?
28:21Why is she here?
28:22Did she come crawling back?
28:24She's just quick-tempered
28:25and in a mood.
28:26She always comes around
28:27after a couple of days.
28:28We've known each other
28:28our whole lives.
28:29She's not actually
28:30going to cut me off.
28:30I mean,
28:31Stella's genuinely great.
28:32She's been ride or died
28:33for you for years.
28:34All of us are low-key jealous
28:35of how she treats you.
28:36But, like,
28:37one is your childhood
28:37best friend.
28:38Honestly,
28:39Stella's amazing,
28:40but it also feels
28:41kind of limiting.
28:43I'm young.
28:44I don't want to only
28:44ever have one person.
28:46That's too predictable.
28:47I need to see
28:48what else is out there.
28:49But that doesn't mean
28:50anything has to end,
28:51as long as I know
28:52there's always a light
28:52on at home for me.
28:54You're such a player.
28:56I'd heard enough.
28:57I backed away
28:57as quietly as I could.
28:59The evening breeze
29:00hit my face
29:01and I felt my eyes
29:02go hot.
29:03I just hated myself
29:04for spending so many years
29:05being blind
29:06to who he actually was.
29:08I was in absolutely
29:10the worst mood
29:11of the entire summer.
29:13But Asher's mom
29:14was thrilled to see me
29:15and spent most of dinner
29:16doting on me,
29:17refusing to let go
29:18of my hand.
29:19Stella,
29:20Boston can get really dry
29:21in winter.
29:22Let Asher take you
29:23shopping tomorrow
29:24and stock up
29:24on some good moisturizers.
29:26Oh, it's fine.
29:27There are plenty of shops
29:28out there
29:28and online shopping
29:29is so easy.
29:30She nodded warmly
29:31and turned to my mom.
29:32I already picked out
29:34all the bedding
29:34for the dorms,
29:35got a set for Asher
29:36and one for Stella
29:37at the same time,
29:38all four seasons covered.
29:39Boston winters are brutal.
29:41I went with really thick
29:42comforters
29:43and got a few winter
29:44coats for Stella too.
29:45Don't you worry
29:46about a thing.
29:47My mom made a face
29:48like she'd swallowed something.
29:49All of that would be
29:50completely useless
29:51in California.
29:52But she didn't want
29:53to embarrass anyone,
29:54so she thanked her graciously.
29:56Chloe, sitting nearby,
29:57looked like she was
29:58biting through her own cheek.
30:00Asher's mom
30:00didn't seem to notice.
30:01She kept right on talking,
30:03addressing both of us.
30:05Once you're both in Boston,
30:07you'll be each other's family.
30:08Asher,
30:09you better take good care
30:10of Stella
30:11and stop making her upset.
30:12You hear me?
30:13Asher threw a glance my way
30:14with zero expression.
30:16She doesn't need anyone
30:18to look after her.
30:18She's perfectly capable
30:19of flying on her own.
30:20The table got a little stiff
30:22and that's when Chloe
30:23smoothly cut in.
30:24Oh, don't worry.
30:25My school is in Boston, too.
30:27I'll be there
30:27to look after Asher.
30:28And Stella will be
30:29all the way in California anyway,
30:31so it's not really practical.
30:34Before she even finished
30:35the sentence,
30:36Asher and his parents'
30:37faces changed.
30:38California?
30:39Every single one of them
30:41looked at me
30:42and asked it
30:42at the same time.
30:45Asher, you didn't know?
30:46It's been on the school's
30:47honor board.
30:48Oh, wait.
30:49You haven't been back
30:50to campus.
30:50Every pair of eyes
30:51at the table swiveled to me.
30:53Under the weight
30:54of all that attention,
30:55I quietly nodded.
30:57My mom stepped in
30:57to explain.
30:59Stella made a last-minute
31:00decision to change
31:01her application.
31:03She's going to a great
31:04school in California
31:05and it's actually
31:07the perfect program for her.
31:09Asher didn't believe it.
31:10He grabbed my hand
31:11and made me look at him.
31:13Stella, I literally watched
31:15you fill out that application.
31:17We were going
31:17to the same school.
31:18His grip was tight enough
31:20to actually hurt
31:21and it pushed me
31:22over the edge.
31:23Yeah, I changed it.
31:25What does it have
31:25to do with you?
31:26Asher looked stunned
31:27for a second,
31:28then started laughing
31:29like I'd said
31:30something ridiculous.
31:31You're joking.
31:32You're literally
31:33the girl who jumps
31:34onto my back
31:34at the sight of a bug
31:35and you're moving
31:36to California?
31:38And you're moving
31:39to California?
31:40I pulled out my phone,
31:41found the crystal clear
31:42photo of my acceptance
31:44letter,
31:44and held it up
31:45in his face.
31:46Asher took the phone,
31:47zoomed in,
31:48zoomed out,
31:49read it over and over,
31:51and finally let out
31:52a laugh that had
31:53no humor in it at all.
31:54In the middle
31:55of everyone's gasps,
31:56he grabbed my wrist
31:57and pulled me
31:58out of the dining room.
32:01He pulled me
32:02into a side room
32:03and locked the door
32:03behind us.
32:04Asher planted himself
32:05against it,
32:06cutting off any escape,
32:07and came at me hard.
32:08Stella,
32:09I cannot believe you.
32:10You're so mad
32:11that you just forget
32:12our whole plan,
32:13go behind my back,
32:14and commit Mitt
32:15to a school
32:15across the country.
32:16I lifted my head.
32:17I took a breath
32:18and made myself
32:18look him straight
32:19in the eye.
32:20I have my own plans.
32:22Since when do I have
32:23to build my entire future
32:24around what you want?
32:26Asher,
32:26be honest with yourself.
32:28Are you actually
32:29upset about the plan?
32:31Or are you upset
32:32because I'm not available
32:33to be your fallback girl
32:34anymore?
32:35The color drained
32:35from his face.
32:36What is that supposed
32:37to mean?
32:38Could you not phrase
32:39things like that?
32:40We're adults.
32:41That night was
32:42completely mutual.
32:43Are you seriously
32:44still bringing that up?
32:45I was embarrassed,
32:46but I held his gaze anyway.
32:47Asher,
32:48if you like someone else,
32:49you could have just said so.
32:50I'm not so shameless
32:51that I would have kept
32:52throwing myself at you.
32:53But you knew
32:54you didn't like me back
32:55and you just watched me
32:56walk straight into the flame.
32:57That was fun for you,
32:58wasn't it?
32:58Even now,
32:59he still didn't get it.
33:00People don't say goodbye
33:01until they've completely
33:02run out of hope.
33:03He flushed.
33:04Something in what I said hit.
33:06His face went from white to red
33:07and he visibly swayed.
33:09What do you even
33:10listen to what you're saying?
33:11You...
33:12He couldn't finish the sentence.
33:15Stella,
33:16we've known each other
33:17since we were eight years old
33:18and we're 18 now.
33:19If you're choosing
33:20to walk away
33:21from what we have,
33:22then we don't have
33:23to be friends either.
33:24And with just that,
33:25he turned and walked
33:26out of the hotel.
33:34From that day
33:35until the day I left
33:36for school,
33:37I never saw Asher again.
33:38Mia sent me a screenshot
33:40of his official
33:40couple's post with Chloe.
33:42I deleted it
33:43without even opening it.
33:44Every mutual friend
33:45connected to him,
33:46I blocked.
33:47There was genuinely
33:48no point in following
33:49any of it anymore.
33:53The only exception
33:54was the day
33:55I flew out to California.
33:56Of course,
33:57because the universe
33:58has a terrible sense of humor,
33:59I walked straight into Asher
34:01at the airport again,
34:02with Chloe still glued
34:03to his side.
34:04When we passed each other,
34:05he said a stiff hello
34:06to my parents
34:07and kept walking,
34:08clearly still angry.
34:10He didn't look at me once.
34:11We scattered
34:12in different directions
34:12and neither of us
34:14looked back.
34:14Right before I got
34:15to the security line,
34:16I glanced over
34:17and caught Asher
34:18at his gate,
34:19about to board.
34:20He gave me one
34:21cold, flat look
34:22and then disappeared
34:23through the door
34:24without turning around.
34:25The person who had been
34:26part of every chapter
34:27of my growing up,
34:28we were finally
34:29completely done.
34:30Different destinations
34:31at last
34:32and I hope yours goes well.
34:34I said it only to myself.
34:36After that,
34:36a long, long time passed
34:38without either of us
34:39hearing a single thing
34:40about the other.
34:41I specifically asked
34:42my parents
34:43not to bring up
34:44anything related to Asher
34:46or his family
34:46in front of me.
34:47Over New Year's break,
34:49a girl from our high school
34:50came to visit.
34:50He's nothing like that
34:52cold, focused,
34:53straight A guy
34:54he was in high school.
34:55He's completely different.
34:59Honestly,
35:00if you ran into him now,
35:01you might not even
35:02recognize him.
35:04I didn't say anything.
35:05Mia kicked her
35:06under the table
35:06and smoothly changed
35:07the subject
35:08and the girl dropped it.
35:09We did the New Year's
35:10countdown by the water
35:11and Mia told me
35:12to make a wish.
35:14Hope New Year,
35:15Syria Parent Healthy,
35:16Kinkeating Under the World.
35:18I realized it was
35:19the first wish
35:19I'd ever made
35:20that had absolutely
35:21nothing to do with him.
35:22For a full six years
35:24of my life,
35:24every single wish
35:25I made had involved
35:26Asher in some way.
35:29Mia,
35:30Happy New Year!
35:31I felt genuinely happy.
35:33I knew I had finally,
35:35actually,
35:35completely let go.
35:37The first winter break
35:39of college,
35:39I missed my parents
35:40so badly
35:41I couldn't stand it.
35:42The second my last exam
35:44was done,
35:44I was on the first flight home.
35:46What I didn't expect
35:47was that Asher
35:48had come to the airport
35:49with my parents
35:50to pick me up.
35:51After half a year apart,
35:53we had both changed.
35:54He was thinner,
35:55had dyed his hair,
35:56but was still,
35:57honestly,
35:58annoyingly good looking.
35:59I've always had
36:00terrible judgment
36:01about people,
36:01but my taste
36:02has never been the problem.
36:04Why else would I have
36:05been trailing after him
36:06since we were five?
36:07Hey there,
36:07big bro Asher.
36:08He stared at me
36:09like I'd spoken
36:10a different language.
36:11We ran into him outside.
36:13He insisted on
36:14coming along to help.
36:15I smiled and waved her off.
36:17It was fine.
36:20In the car,
36:21I immediately launched
36:22into all the funny things
36:23that had happened at school,
36:24and my parents
36:25were the whole ride.
36:26No one was paying
36:27any attention to Asher.
36:30You've worked hard.
36:31Please send our regards
36:32to your parents.
36:33He seemed like he wanted
36:34to come inside
36:34when we got home,
36:35but all three of us
36:36politely turned him down together.
36:38My grandma and my aunt
36:39had both come back
36:40to celebrate the holidays
36:41that year.
36:42New Year's Eve
36:43was loud and packed
36:44with family.
36:45After the big dinner,
36:46the older relatives
36:47parked themselves
36:47in front of the TV,
36:48while the rest of us
36:49were teaching each other
36:50card games.
36:51That's when Asher
36:52showed up at the door
36:53with his parents,
36:54arms full of bags.
36:55Our house is too quiet
36:56tonight.
36:57Hope you don't mind
36:58us crashing your game.
37:03Our house is too quiet
37:04tonight.
37:05Hope you don't mind
37:05us crashing your game.
37:06Asher's mom laughed
37:07as she walked in.
37:08Every year growing up,
37:10the two families
37:10had spent the holiday
37:11together.
37:12This year,
37:13because of everything
37:14that had happened,
37:15my mom had turned down
37:16the invitation
37:16to share the big dinner.
37:18But you can't exactly
37:19turn people away
37:20once they're at your door.
37:22Asher settled himself
37:23naturally,
37:23my cousins had no idea
37:25about any of the drama
37:26and kept teasing us
37:27like they always had.
37:28I laughed it off.
37:30It's not what you think.
37:32Asher's expression
37:33went a little flat.
37:34When midnight came
37:35and we all went
37:35outside for sparklers,
37:38he caught my arm
37:39and looked like he was
37:41working up to say something.
37:42My phone rang.
37:43My face went a little warm.
37:45It was a guy from
37:45one of my clubs at school.
37:48Hi, Stella.
37:49I'm just a bit bored
37:51and wanted to say
37:51Happy New Year to you.
37:53A local California boy
37:54named Jake.
37:55He was good looking too.
37:56Not in that cold,
37:57aloof way.
37:58More like the guy
37:59who's always laughing
38:00at everything
38:01and making you laugh
38:02right along with him.
38:03He never ran out
38:04of things to say
38:05and he had a way
38:05of making me
38:06completely lose it
38:07at the most random things.
38:09We talked for a while longer
38:10and when he finally hung up,
38:12Asher was standing
38:13right behind me
38:13with a face
38:14like a thundercloud.
38:17Boyfriend?
38:19Not yet, I guess.
38:23Not yet, I guess.
38:25I thought about it
38:26and answered honestly.
38:27I assumed he was done
38:28but then he spoke again.
38:30Long distance guys
38:31aren't always reliable.
38:33You should find someone local,
38:34someone you actually know.
38:38I nodded.
38:39Something in that
38:40seemed to land
38:40somewhere tender.
38:41You're right.
38:42You really can't tell
38:43with people.
38:43I'll keep my guard up.
38:45Asher went quiet
38:46for a very long time.
38:48I assumed he was done.
38:50I didn't think too hard
38:51about it.
38:52Thanks for the advice,
38:53big bro.
38:54You should figure out
38:55your own situation too.
38:56He'd always been
38:57unpredictable like that.
38:58After that,
38:59I spent the rest of break
39:00bouncing around
39:01visiting relatives
39:02with my grandma
39:03and parents
39:03and then we did
39:04a little road trip.
39:05I was barely home.
39:06I didn't run into Asher once.
39:08The break was short
39:09and soon enough
39:10I was back at school
39:11but the very next day
39:12after I arrived,
39:13Asher was standing
39:14outside my campus gate.
39:17Asher,
39:18what are you doing here?
39:19I wanted to see
39:20what your school looks like
39:22and check if you're
39:23actually doing okay
39:24out here.
39:26Really well, actually.
39:27The food here is amazing.
39:28You should look up
39:29some spots and try them.
39:30Stella,
39:32can't you come
39:33eat with me
39:33just once?
39:37Sorry about that, man.
39:38I've already got
39:39Stella booked.
39:39You'll have to get in line.
39:41Stella,
39:42you came back to school
39:44this early for him?
39:47Sorry, Asher.
39:49We're heading out to eat.
39:50I'll see you.
39:51Let's go.
39:52Didn't you say
39:52the place was far?
39:53Stop standing there.
39:55Asher was still standing
39:56at the campus gate
39:57watching us
39:57and under the shadow
39:58of the trees,
39:59he looked incredibly alone.
40:01He suddenly started
40:02showing up in my world
40:04constantly.
40:04I never found out
40:06what excuse he gave
40:06his school
40:07but he kept appearing
40:08in California
40:09out of nowhere.
40:10He started showing up
40:11with gifts,
40:11flowers,
40:12bags,
40:13jewelry
40:13and I turned
40:14every single one down.
40:15When there was
40:16nothing else to do,
40:17he'd just sit outside
40:18my dorm building
40:19and refuse to leave
40:20no matter how many
40:21times I asked.
40:22Whenever he managed
40:23to catch me,
40:24he'd fall into step
40:25beside me
40:26to every single class
40:27then follow me
40:28to the dining hall.
40:29Jake was visibly
40:30miserable about
40:30the whole thing.
40:31Asher's mom
40:32had been calling
40:33and messaging me
40:33from multiple angles.
40:35She begged me
40:35to please talk
40:36some sense into him.
40:37I was beyond done.
40:39I genuinely could not
40:40figure out
40:40what Asher thought
40:41he was doing.
40:44Stella,
40:44why does Jake
40:45get to pursue you
40:46but I don't?
40:48Son of a whitest ass.
40:50He's known you
40:50for what,
40:51a few months?
40:52How many years
40:53have I known you?
40:55No one in this world
40:56understands you
40:57the way I do,
40:58not even your parents.
40:59And no one is better
41:00for you than me.
41:06Ashler,
41:08do you genuinely
41:09not remember
41:09what you did?
41:11Ask yourself honestly,
41:13did you ever
41:14actually treat
41:15my feelings
41:16like they mattered?
41:18You just liked
41:19the ego boost
41:20of having me
41:21chase after you.
41:22You knew no matter
41:23what you did,
41:23I wouldn't leave,
41:24so you just did
41:25whatever you felt like
41:26with my heart.
41:28Yeah,
41:29I did some things
41:29wrong back then.
41:31I was young,
41:32I thought the whole world
41:33was waiting for me
41:34and I didn't want
41:35to feel like I was
41:35tied to any one person.
41:37I owe you
41:38a real apology,
41:39Stella.
41:39I'm sorry.
41:41But even if you
41:42treat me like a stranger,
41:43can I at least
41:44have the chance
41:45to start over
41:45and earn it back?
41:46After you left,
41:47I realized I don't
41:48know how to live
41:49without you in it.
41:50I can't imagine
41:51going forward
41:52and not having anyone
41:53to share everything with.
41:54Honestly,
41:55since leaving you,
41:56I figured out
41:57that real,
41:58mutual feelings
41:59don't require you
42:00to shrink yourself
42:00down to nothing.
42:01I can just be myself.
42:03My mood doesn't have
42:04to orbit around
42:05someone else's
42:05and when I realized that,
42:07I started to wonder
42:08if what I felt back then
42:10was ever real love
42:11or just something
42:12a younger,
42:12more naive version
42:13of me invented.
42:16But,
42:18but,
42:20we made promises.
42:23We said we'd go
42:24to college together,
42:25study abroad together,
42:26travel the whole world together.
42:27Are you going to walk away
42:28from all of that too?
42:30Stella,
42:31are you going to leave
42:31all this behind too?
42:33You broke the promises first
42:35and I've already found someone
42:38I want to do
42:38all of those things with.
42:42Stop,
42:42Stella,
42:43please,
42:43just stop.
42:49Maybe you're not
42:50actually in love with me.
42:51Maybe you just
42:52can't stand the idea
42:53of losing.
42:54Asher,
42:55honestly,
42:56it's time for you
42:57to move on too.
43:01I didn't wait
43:01for a response.
43:02Jake had been waiting
43:03across the street
43:04for a while.
43:05I jogged over
43:05and he immediately
43:06reached down
43:07and took my hand.
43:10Finally shook the ex?
43:13Did you tell him
43:14I've got full bug patrol rights now?
43:16He doesn't get a single one.
43:19Everyone is going
43:20through their own goodbyes.
43:22As for us,
43:23it's finally completely over.
43:26Fading away like the rain.
43:28Everyone in the middle
43:29of their own goodbye.
43:30And just like that,
43:31the two of us
43:32were finally,
43:33completely over.
43:34Scattered like rain.
43:35Scattered like rain.
43:35Scattered like rain.
43:36Scattered like rain.
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