- 1 day ago
Going Dutch - Season 2 - Episode 12: NATOcean's Eleven
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00:05Hey.
00:06Colonel, are you considering my suggestion
00:08to transfer to a different base?
00:10No, I just remembered I left a knife behind the toilet.
00:14Oh, I found it when I was putting mine there.
00:15Come on in. I'll get it for you.
00:17Yeah, I just hate getting caught with my pants down,
00:20especially when my pants are down.
00:21Ah, thank you. Yeah.
00:23I have a feeling you're here for more than a knife.
00:25I have ways of making you talk.
00:26Very nice, yeah.
00:28Oh, I like these glasses.
00:29Thanks.
00:30You know, I had a feeling you'd knock on my door.
00:33Hey.
00:33Did you know that I am the first woman
00:36in the Canadian Army to see combat?
00:38I know.
00:39And the first woman to ever lead NATO.
00:41I know. NATO me, baby.
00:43But I will not be the first woman to fall
00:45for some half-assed sexual harassment trap.
00:48You're in my chain of command.
00:49Going any further could be cause for my dismissal.
00:52Okay. I had one card to play, and I played it, all right?
00:55Really? Because I found a brick of marijuana
00:56when I was hiding the pantry knife.
00:58Pantry knife.
01:00Everybody knows you don't hide a knife in the pantry.
01:02You hide a gun.
01:05What is this?
01:08Forget it, Scrap.
01:09She found the drugs we planted.
01:11Bye.
01:19It's a vote of confidence that General Martin
01:21is letting me help mediate the situation between you two.
01:24Mediators.
01:25They're like the refs of real life,
01:26except they have no whistles, no power, and no purpose.
01:30You wanted me to work with Martin so that I can help, right?
01:32Mm-hmm.
01:33Well, you have got to meet me halfway.
01:35Colonel, I see you're still in my office.
01:38Our office.
01:38I would like to start by thanking you for this opportunity.
01:41I believe that we can find a fair solution today.
01:45That doesn't involve a sex trap?
01:46Your loss.
01:47I am willing to offer a few fair solutions.
01:50Number one, we could transfer him to a different army base,
01:52or he could continue to work here under my command,
01:55but with minimal contact.
01:56I have prepared what I consider to be a very reasonable counteroffer.
02:01Oh, I can't.
02:03I...
02:03You could just skip.
02:04No.
02:10Go back to hell, you succubus demon.
02:12Is it too much to ask for her to hold the crucifix
02:14and just see if it burns?
02:15Oh, my...
02:16You know what? I've changed my mind.
02:18Did you move the tape?
02:19No.
02:19Yes, you did, because that's my heart medication.
02:21Hmm.
02:22What's it for?
02:23Growing a heart?
02:24You're such a baby.
02:25I'm the baby. You're the baby.
02:26You are being a baby.
02:27I'm not the...
02:32Dumbest hats in NATO. Italy.
02:35Yeah, it's giving Peter Pan,
02:36but Britain literally has a feather in their cap.
02:38I'm supposed to take you serious.
02:39I like the feathers in the caps.
02:41Shut up, Gideon.
02:42And that's not the stance we've taken.
02:43I was just giving it feathers.
02:44Uh, have you guys seen Shaw around?
02:46Yeah, the Cardinal has him working part-time
02:48because he's still in denial about his retirement.
02:50Yeah, I really need to talk to him
02:51because I haven't seen him since, um...
02:55since the breakup.
02:56Girl, just say it.
02:57Okay.
02:58So it's the breakup.
02:59And I mean, between the divorce and the retirement,
03:02the man is having a well-earned midlife crisis.
03:04Mahalo!
03:05Who wants scratch-off?
03:07There you go.
03:08Love that feather.
03:08What's up, pool bros?
03:09How you guys doing?
03:11Scratch-offs?
03:12Get your money.
03:12There we go.
03:13Scratch-offs.
03:13Oh, I didn't get any.
03:17Maggie?
03:19Abe?
03:20Actually, while I'm waiting for my DD-214,
03:22I've entered this new phase of my life called freedom.
03:25So I'm going by AB.
03:26It's a little nickname I'm trying out.
03:29Is that a soul patch?
03:30Mm-hmm.
03:30I love AB.
03:31He's like a thousand times more awesome than the Major.
03:34Hey, Maggie, you should dump Gideon next.
03:36Maybe he'll finally be cool.
03:38I'd love that.
03:40Uh, look, Abe.
03:42Uh, AB.
03:43I've been thinking about it a lot.
03:45And I'm ready to talk.
03:46So maybe you guys could give us a...
03:49Yeah, you know what?
03:49We should leave these nice people to their drama.
03:52Hey, hey, hey.
03:53No need, no need.
03:53Because there is no drama.
03:55We're copacetic.
03:55We are good.
03:56We're so good.
03:57We're all good.
03:58You're good.
03:58I'm good.
03:59You're good.
04:00What's up?
04:01What's up?
04:01Am I good?
04:02Mm, you're good.
04:02Cool.
04:03Okay.
04:04Uh, what is happening?
04:06Because, you know, you've been retired for a week.
04:09Yeah, but when I do something, I go all in.
04:12I checked out, like, 40 books from the library,
04:14all about the rules of freedom.
04:15I even watched the Matthew McConaughey Masterclass,
04:17and he helped me realize that everything is gonna be all right.
04:23All right.
04:25All right.
04:25All right.
04:26Now you're getting it.
04:27Okay.
04:31Specialist Gideon, have you cleaned my battle tank before?
04:33No, but I'm excited.
04:35Okay, listen.
04:35The military uses a very highly toxic fluid,
04:38so don't let it get on your skin,
04:39because, well, it could kill you.
04:42Hey, wait a minute.
04:43Where's my tank?
04:45What?
04:46Where is it?
04:48Sir, the highly toxic fluid is melting my shoes.
04:51Shh.
04:52I'm trying to hear the alarm.
04:53Will you help me put my mask on?
04:54Too late for that.
04:55I gotta find my tank.
04:57Oh, man, that's going through fast.
05:00Where's my beautiful tank?
05:01Where is Rosalita?
05:03You mean my new compressed metal nightstand?
05:06You know what?
05:07Cube up everything I love.
05:08What about your people?
05:09Because I just found 200 fake handbags
05:11that I'm eager to talk to Sergeant Conway about,
05:13and I realized Corporal Papadakis has personal grooming
05:17that does not fit Army protocol,
05:19and I might have to take a razor to that head of his.
05:22Oh, is that really necessary?
05:23Papadakis believes that his mustache is a Samson situation.
05:26You know, like, his IT skills come from the 11 hairs on his lip.
05:29That's up to your father.
05:31You see, tomorrow, the NATO selection board
05:33is going to rubber stamp me as the new head of this base,
05:35and I'm going to have to make some really tough personnel decisions.
05:39No.
05:39No, nothing.
05:40Who is at the door?
05:41Hey!
05:41Oh, they're taking it away?
05:43I need a compressed nightstand for the other side of my bed.
05:46Colonel!
05:47Where's the Colonel?
05:50Hey!
05:50Hey!
05:52Listen, I have a plan.
05:53Are you making Molotov cocktails?
05:55Technically, they're not Molotov cocktails,
05:57unless you light them.
05:58And I am going to light them,
06:00so, yeah, technically, I guess they are.
06:02Okay, just...
06:03I was wrong.
06:04There is no meeting Martin in the middle.
06:06I know.
06:07So, if we want to take Stroopstorf back,
06:09we're going to have to fight fire with fire.
06:10Right.
06:12Metaphorical fire.
06:12Real fire is so much better.
06:14Dad, all I have asked of you since you've come to this base
06:17is to trust me.
06:19Okay, so can you do that for once?
06:21Can you just trust me?
06:22Okay.
06:23Okay.
06:23So, in Brussels, the NATO selection committee is meeting...
06:27I'm out.
06:27It's everything I hate in one sentence.
06:30Okay, go ahead.
06:31While you were making Molotov cocktails,
06:33I was making lanyards.
06:37Oh.
06:38Because if we can't beat them,
06:40you are going to join them.
06:46You know, it is such an honor to be in the running
06:48to lead NATO's newest base,
06:50even if I'm the only candidate.
06:53Actually, so, of this morning,
06:55there is another one.
06:57Maybe you knew him.
06:58I mean, I think I'm the perfect person
07:00to run your peacekeeping force
07:01because I've used force to keep the peace for so long.
07:05What do you do when you hate peace?
07:07I love peace now.
07:08I've come around because I realize how I can use it
07:10to destroy my enemies.
07:12Peace out.
07:21What I want to know is who selects the selection board
07:24because you guys clean up great.
07:26You guys are looking awesome.
07:28This wasn't your father's idea, Major.
07:31You did this.
07:33Couldn't let you fire my friends.
07:35Well, when I get the job, it'll be bad for you, your buddies,
07:39and whatever yawn is to you.
07:41A work compatriot who I've accidentally seen naked four times.
07:45Oh.
07:46And, uh, you have to get the job first.
07:52Look at him.
07:53He's already self-destructing.
07:55But look at the bright side.
07:56I mean, nuclear winter means more ice time
07:58for all the hockey players from Finland.
08:00You guys can take over the National Hockey League.
08:03Thank you, sir.
08:05Guys.
08:11Okay, party gang.
08:12A round of blue zombies to usher in your freedom.
08:15Hey!
08:16Okay.
08:16Welcome to the good life.
08:19You know, these are kind of my thing now.
08:20Rum and food coloring, they look like Windex, but they taste...
08:26Like Windex, that's gone very, very bad.
08:28But it doesn't matter, because I got nothing ahead of me today, except...
08:32Nothing.
08:34There you guys are.
08:35What are you doing?
08:36There's, like, no time.
08:37General Martin is gonna get rid of everybody on the base
08:40when she takes it over.
08:41What?!
08:41Who is General Martin?!
08:42But I have a plan.
08:43Just need your help.
08:44Of course, AB, you probably can't come
08:47because you'll be manifesting relaxation on a meditation nap.
08:51Sam Elliott voices a bear called Sleepyboo
08:53that helps you take a nap in your mind.
08:54Fine.
08:55Yeah.
08:55And, uh, for the rest of you, I will walk you through the plan on the way there.
08:58All right.
08:59Hey, hey, hey, hey, just curious.
09:01Have you fully thought out the logistics and possible variations of this plan?
09:04Why?
09:05Do you maybe want to join us for one last mission?
09:08Maybe?
09:09On the day of my retirement?
09:10If movies have taught me anything, that's when I'm most likely to be shot.
09:14So, I'm in.
09:16All right.
09:18Ooh, ooh.
09:19Didn't look like you needed that.
09:20I didn't, and I have an immediate headache.
09:22Okay, let's go.
09:23Okay.
09:23Uh, hey.
09:24Yeah.
09:24By step one of the plan, get rid of that.
09:28Uh, too sexy?
09:28No.
09:35Where have you been?
09:36I've been pretending to be Mr. Nice Guy for, like, the last 45 minutes.
09:39I was getting reinforcements.
09:51All right, team.
09:52Here's the plan.
09:53So, every candidate has been asked to give a presentation outlining how they would lead the new NATO base.
09:59Papadakis, I need your hacking skills.
10:02War.
10:04Oh, it's coming.
10:05Which is why we here at NATO believe Stroop's Dorf is essential to our...
10:12Um, no.
10:14Um, I did not use Comic Sans as a font.
10:18Okay, this is my presentation, but a lot sillier.
10:22Disrespectful.
10:22Just look at the content, not the delivery.
10:27Who tapped me?
10:30Conway, the chairman loves wine, so you need to get him something expensive and impossible to find.
10:35Chairman Muller, I hope you're a fan of Beaujolais, because if you are, I've got a bottle so old, Jesus
10:41turned it into wine himself.
10:42Yeah, fine.
10:44Thank you, Mom.
10:47The colonel is way less prepared, so his presentation has to just be old war stories.
10:52Shaw, help him pick a winner.
10:54The other two caves?
10:55What's too angry?
10:56How about the, uh, IED and the moped?
10:58Too problematic and angry.
11:00Why are all my stories too angry?
11:01I don't know, maybe nature and nurture.
11:03Hey, what about the hoodless gangsters?
11:06Oh, that's a good one.
11:06That's a good one.
11:07Yeah, right?
11:09So, we're about to breach, right?
11:11And, uh, we hear all these insurgents yelling and screaming inside, so we knock the door down.
11:16Guess what they're doing?
11:17They're watching The Sopranos finale.
11:23I had a 60-minute PowerPoint and a recommendation letter written by Boutrous Boutrous Ghali on his deathbed, but...
11:30Whatever.
11:32Well, Mags, this was a great plan, but I can't wait to get my base back so I never have
11:36to talk to these NATO dorks ever again.
11:39Ha!
11:39Right?
11:40Yeah.
11:40Yeah.
11:41He knows that if he gets the job, he's gonna have to deal with them all the time.
11:44Yeah, no, I don't think he listened to my whole plan.
11:46He's not a good listener.
11:48Well, whether or not he's listening to me, at least he's trusting me.
11:51Well, finally.
11:52He's gotta trust someone, right?
11:54Now that you're, uh, you're leaving.
11:59I have an announcement to make.
12:01The selection board is split, so we are asking for a final statement from each candidate.
12:10Follow me.
12:11I'm a little drunk.
12:12Yeah.
12:22General Martin, we will start with your statement.
12:27Thank you, Chairman Mueller.
12:29You all know me.
12:31You know my work.
12:33Therefore, I've decided to yield my time to someone who knows both myself and the Colonel very well.
12:44Surprise witness?
12:45We should crush more bureaucratic meetings.
12:47Are they all like this?
12:50I'm General Gerald Davidson.
12:52And as Colonel Quinn's CEO, I have unique insights into his qualifications.
12:58I'm sorry to say to the board that all of you have been duped.
13:02Duped by Colonel Quinn and his band of merry morons who have hacked and schemed their way into this selection
13:11process.
13:12But you don't have to take it from me.
13:14It's best you hear it directly from his soldiers.
13:17Sergeant Conway, Corporal Papadakis, won't you join us?
13:22Okay.
13:23Okay.
13:24Hey, everybody.
13:25Should've gone with the firebombing.
13:32Sergeant Conway, before Colonel Quinn came to Struppsdorf, you often used military resources to transport unauthorized items in violation of
13:42army code.
13:43But Colonel Quinn put a stop to that, correct?
13:47The Colonel is not aware of all of my operations.
13:50Okay, that makes the Colonel sound bad.
13:52Corporal Papadakis, has Colonel Quinn ever asked you to cut your hair?
13:58Uh, yeah.
13:59I once woke up in the middle of the night, and he was hovering over me with scissors.
14:05But I cried, and he left me alone.
14:08And what consequences did you face for your insubordination?
14:11Well, one of the consequences of having hair like this is I can't online date, because my inbox frickin' crashes.
14:19What's up, North Macedonia?
14:21You are both dismissed.
14:23Sorry.
14:24The only officer of quality that I have ever seen associate with Colonel Quinn is Major Shaw, who just abruptly
14:31retired.
14:32Major Shaw, did you do so for well-thought-out professional reasons?
14:36No.
14:39I did it for a woman, sir.
14:43There you have it.
14:45Colonel Quinn poisons the best soldiers and protects the worst.
14:50I rest my case.
14:52Thank you, General.
14:53That was very enlightening.
14:55Colonel, are you prepared to make your statement?
14:57Yes.
14:58As a matter of fact, I am.
14:59I have many things to say about General Davidson.
15:02But first, I'm gonna need a translator who can say the word prostitute in 29 different natal languages.
15:08Chairman, we're gonna need a moment with the Colonel.
15:10Hmm.
15:12Do not take this bait.
15:13I want to go out in a blaze of glory, metaphorically speaking, because you wouldn't let me bring my Molotov
15:18cocktail.
15:18Dad, you are better than this.
15:20I know that you've grown as a person since coming to Stroop's store.
15:23I know.
15:24But my enemies are gonna use that against me.
15:26You think that caring is a weakness, but it is a strength.
15:30Colonel Quinn, your statement.
15:33Okay.
15:38General Davidson is right.
15:40All the soldiers at my base are useless.
15:45The soldiers, they're just too soft.
15:48And I should relieve them, but I'm not going to.
15:53Because I'm soft, too.
15:55That's what Stroopstorff does to people.
15:56It makes you soft.
15:58It's a terrible, terrible base.
16:00You guys don't want this as a base.
16:02The base has been decided.
16:03We're not even talking about that.
16:05Thank you, General Martin, but let him speak.
16:08Thank you, Chairman.
16:10Stroopstorff is terrible.
16:11It's not centrally located.
16:13I mean, it doesn't have a working airfield.
16:15If more than ten people take a shower at one time, we run out of hot water.
16:19All people do at Stroopstorff is eat cheese and have feelings.
16:22That's all they do.
16:24I used to think that having feelings was a sign of weakness.
16:27You know?
16:27And now even I am finding myself having feelings.
16:32And I'm eating cheese.
16:33Is this a nervous breakdown?
16:35I think so.
16:36What's wrong with me?
16:37I'll tell you what's wrong with me.
16:40Stroopstorff.
16:42It's taking away my edges.
16:44That's why you don't want it.
16:46It's going to ruin NATO.
16:47It's going to take away all the edges.
16:48You guys are going to be sitting around eating cheese and crying.
16:52Is that what you want?
16:53No, you don't.
16:55You want Baumholder.
16:57That's a real base.
16:58What?
16:58No.
17:00Baumholder is my base.
17:01Baumholder is a great base because this man is leading them.
17:03You can tell he's a real general.
17:04Look at him.
17:05Two stars.
17:06He knows what's going on.
17:07And they've got hot water for days.
17:09Unless you don't want a centrally located base in Germany.
17:13That's up to you guys.
17:15What do you think?
17:18All in favor, tabling Stroopstorff and considering Baumholder.
17:26Yes!
17:27Such a Davidson!
17:29Sir!
17:34Well played, Quince.
17:36It's nice to win.
17:36I know, because I always do.
17:39Did you win?
17:39Because it looks like I just got a bigger, better base.
17:43Well, it looks like maybe you owe me one.
17:55You know, it's too bad you're loving retirement.
17:59Because you were great out there today.
18:02It was mostly you.
18:03It was mostly me.
18:03It was mostly you.
18:04But we make a very good team.
18:07We do.
18:10Can I be honest?
18:11Yes.
18:13I'm not that into freedom.
18:14Of retirement.
18:15Right.
18:16I like purpose, structure, a clean chin.
18:18Mm-hmm.
18:20I'm thinking about sticking around.
18:24Sticking around Stroopstorff?
18:25I got everything I need here.
18:27It's where I'm happiest.
18:28It's where everyone I care about is.
18:31I'm sorry.
18:33I'm sorry that I ran away and I got scared and...
18:37Look, I was moving way too fast.
18:39I mean, I literally got divorced, retired,
18:41and then fell in love in like a month.
18:42I could see that could scare a person, right?
18:44Yeah.
18:44Yeah.
18:48You know, I'm still really...
18:51I'd like to see if this could work.
18:55Yeah, me too.
18:58Great.
18:59Great.
19:00Great.
19:01Yeah.
19:02We'll just...
19:04Take it slow.
19:05And start from the beginning.
19:08That's a good idea.
19:10Yeah.
19:11Hey.
19:12I'm Abe.
19:14Hi.
19:15I'm Maggie.
19:16Can I get you a drink?
19:18Yeah.
19:19Just, uh...
19:20Surprise me.
19:25Oh, look!
19:27It's our returning best sexy man!
19:31Hey.
19:33Now I get my ball hero kiss?
19:34No.
19:35No.
19:35No.
19:37So, you had your chance to leave the base and you biffed it.
19:41Well, actually, it's the second time because last year when I was blackmailing Davidson,
19:45he offered me a transfer and I turned him down.
19:47Why?
19:49Why?
19:49Well, because of you.
19:50And it's not what you think.
19:52I felt obligated because you were such a mess last year at this time.
19:55You were a gigantic mess.
19:56Uh-huh.
19:58You're getting soft.
20:00Hey.
20:00Oh, thank you.
20:01Surprise.
20:01You're welcome.
20:02That's great.
20:03I think we need to make a toast for our favorite war daddy.
20:06Okay.
20:07Yeah.
20:07Here is to...
20:09Toop store.
20:10Toop store!
20:11Wait, wait, wait!
20:12Wait for me!
20:13Is that Papadakis?
20:15Do I look like a real soldier now?
20:21Oh.
20:22You guys don't like it.
20:24Oh!
20:26What have I done?!
20:33Papadakis has been in there for so long.
20:35Ooh.
20:37Do you think he's gonna be okay?
20:38I don't know.
20:39The man who cut his hair was a butcher.
20:41Oh, fun.
20:42Oh, Jan.
20:43Did you fix it?
20:45I tried, but honestly, I've never seen anything like that.
20:48The length of the hair just accentuated his obvious lack of jawline.
20:52The layers were just chaotic and cruel and...
20:55You could have sent him to the Hague because that middle part was a war crime.
20:58Well, you have to do something.
20:59I have to work with him.
21:01Did anybody think about me?
21:03I cannot stare at that monstrosity every single day.
21:06Hey, hey, hey, hey.
21:07I did what I could.
21:08Mm-hmm.
21:09The rest, we must live up to God.
21:13Yeah, let's try it.
21:13Do you guys like it?
21:15Oh.
21:16Looks better, though, right?
21:18Ah!
21:21I'm a monster.
21:22Why did I let the army bully me into short hair?
21:26Yeah, scraps.
21:27Okay, we know.
21:28We all hate it.
21:29Mm-hmm.
21:29We don't know that's for sure what he said.
21:33Well, I heard it that time.
21:36It's going so well!
21:37Let's go!
21:3812 Mario videos
21:41The Plus
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