- 10 hours ago
Taskmaster S21E03 A Creepy Bit of Advice
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TVTranscript
00:03You
00:04Don't look away
00:17I might just do this all day
00:38Five comedy show ponies put through their paces at the gymkhana of laughs the grand national of chuckles the dressage
00:45of mirth
00:46Who will get off to a good start on firm ground today?
00:49Who will refuse at the first jump and who God forbid will have to be humanely destroyed?
00:55Find out now, please welcome Amy Glethill
01:01Armando Iannucci
01:03Joanna Page
01:06Joel Domett
01:08And Kamel Nanjani
01:12And next to me a man who is surprising in so so many ways
01:17He loves to paint for example, he's a keen bird watcher
01:20And he has a tattoo on his lower back that simply reads free Britney
01:24LAUGHTER
01:28Little Alex Hall
01:31I just think it's about time
01:35How are you going to irritate me in the first two minutes of this show?
01:38I'm not going to irritate you, I've got something that I'm going to show you that you're going to love
01:42Because I got my very first smartphone
01:45LAUGHTER
01:47You want to see it?
01:48Yeah!
01:49It's a smartphone
01:50It's a smart...
01:51It's a smart...
01:52Look, there's a little face
01:54It's a smartphone, he's all dressed up smart
01:56Yeah
01:56Right
01:57Yeah
01:58I thought you'd like that
01:59I mean, I think two things
02:00I'm irritated because that will be the end of the joke
02:02There'll be no...
02:03Right?
02:04Or you think there should be more
02:04Is there a follow-up?
02:05I knew you were going to say that
02:07Don't tell
02:07Make sure you think of a follow-up to the really funny smartphone
02:10Oh, yeah, no
02:11I sort of think there's something in that
02:14I think sort of moronic teenagers would buy that, wouldn't they?
02:17Well, I've got three, so yeah, maybe I'll ask them when we get home
02:19Put the face up again?
02:20It's my face
02:21Whee!
02:23Nice
02:24Can we copyright that live on air?
02:27That's a thing, isn't it?
02:29Copyright
02:30Copyright!
02:31On with the prize task
02:33What have they brought in this time?
02:34Well, Greg, we've still got loads of good ideas for prize task categories
02:38But this week they've brought in the most fun thing to drag behind you
02:41On a piece of string when you go for a walk
02:43We all drag string behind us when we go for a walk
02:46But what's the most fun thing to be on that string?
02:49Well, the owner of the thing judged to be most fun
02:51Will be given five points by you, Greg
02:52And also, this is important
02:55No, actually, I'm done
02:57That was it
02:59You've been quite funny today
03:02Hello, Kamal
03:03Greg
03:04I'm a 47-year-old man, Greg
03:05Yeah
03:06And to me, nothing is more fun than going to bed at a reasonable hour
03:11So what I would love to drag behind me on a piece of string is an early to bed kit
03:17Let's look at it
03:18Okay
03:20It's a clock without an alarm set
03:23Melatonin
03:24Sleep mask
03:26And a diary
03:26With
03:28One plan
03:29That they cancelled on me on
03:32Oh, I'm getting hard just thinking about it
03:36Yeah
03:36This is one sweet bit of kit
03:38You and I should hang out more often
03:40I just did one giant bed
03:43Biscuits
03:445pm dinner and then to bed
03:46Joel, what's your fun thing to drag around on a bit of string?
03:49A parachute
03:52Attached to your hip, right?
03:54Um, here is a video of me dragging such a thing behind me
04:04You might have noticed the sort of eagle-eyed amongst you that there was some writing on that parachute
04:10Prepare yourself, Greg, you're going to absolutely love this, here we go
04:12Shoot from the hip
04:14It's a play on words
04:15It's a play on...
04:15Don't like play on words
04:17I know you don't
04:18Don't like it
04:19I know you don't
04:20I was really...
04:21It's not clever puns aren't clever
04:24Not a fan of a masked singer I assume
04:28I have not missed an episode
04:31I don't mind the play on words
04:33I love you...
04:34You having a parachute
04:35Because you're far too healthy and fit and bouncy and happy
04:39And I like the idea of you being slowed down occasionally
04:42Nice
04:43Amy, you're next, what have you brought in?
04:45Well, I have brought a projector on wheels
04:50Projecting a fun video
04:53And it is a fun video
04:57I shall be the judge of that
05:00This is what Amy brought in
05:03Oh
05:11That's just constantly playing
05:12You have to charge the battery for 15 minutes and it will play that for an hour
05:18It's, er...
05:20It's sort of a phenomena of some kind
05:24That it's only the long breast I can concentrate on
05:28I thought, what's fun?
05:32So you started with a blank canvas
05:35Blanched your paper
05:36What's in life?
05:37What's fun?
05:38Circled it
05:39Yeah
05:39And then put a little circle in the middle of that circle
05:43And then wrote
05:44An even smaller one
05:46And then wrote fun bags
05:48Fun bags
05:50Literally fun
05:51One of those bags isn't fun
05:53Joanna
05:55I have brought a hip flask in the shape of a fish full of sherry
06:01Yes
06:02Thank you
06:03At last, sensible voice
06:07Now, my love of sherry started when I was about seven
06:11Oh
06:15Shrapping
06:15So I lost my appetite after chicken pox
06:18My nan, who was a matron in a hospital
06:20Told my mum the best way to get my appetite back was to give me sherry
06:24It's funny how medical standards have changed over you
06:27So my love of sherry started then
06:29It then continued when we got our first dog, a spaniel
06:32Oh no, hang on
06:35You weren't eight when you got the dog, were you?
06:38We're not going year by year
06:40We used to take our dog for a walk down Park Mill
06:45Which was this lovely place in the woods
06:47But there was a pub and then a big car park
06:50And then you'd walk out the back and there'd be the woods
06:52My dad would get the dog out and then they'd go into the pub
06:55Get me a glass of sherry
06:56And I'd have my glass of sherry
06:58And then we'd go for our walk
07:00And so that is why I think everything in life is better
07:03With a glass of sherry
07:05So if I'm going for a walk
07:06I would have a hip flask full of sherry
07:10Funny, isn't it?
07:11Not only have I had time to write down Joanna one point
07:13I've drawn two flowers either side
07:19Armando
07:20Right, fun
07:21I thought a person who
07:24You'd be surprised to me
07:26But then when you saw you think
07:27Oh, yeah, that is fun
07:28Which is Lorraine Kelly
07:29And I thought I could drag her on an improvised trolley
07:33Okay
07:34Which is what I've done
07:35Yes?
07:35No!
07:38No!
07:38No!
07:44So the winner of the episode gets this cardboard cutout
07:48Of Lorraine Kelly on a trolley
07:49I don't know who that is
07:51How dare you?
07:53That's like me asking you who Thomas Jefferson is
07:56Lorraine Kelly drew up our constitution 200
08:04And every morning defends it on air
08:08I really liked all of those and it feels very mean to give Joanna one point
08:12But there we are
08:15One point to Joanna
08:16If you hadn't stuck the pun on it, it'd have been right up there
08:18Two points to Joel, okay
08:20Honestly, I think you'd be at the top of the pile if it wasn't for the long breast
08:23Oh!
08:24Just three points
08:25Okay, well done
08:26You, a man after my own heart
08:27Four points
08:29But how can I beat...
08:30How can anyone beat Lorraine Kelly being dragged on a trolley?
08:34Of course, five points
08:34Thank you
08:36Thank you
08:36Thank you
08:39What's up first, please, Alex?
08:41Well, we have an instruction heavy task that will give everyone a brand new earworm
08:47Hmm?
08:56You must now sing these words with me
09:00Hello!
09:00Hello!
09:01Are you okay?
09:02Have a seat
09:04Okay
09:07How are you?
09:08I'm good, are you comfortable?
09:09Yeah, you're loud
09:13Oh, hello
09:18Okay, before you open that
09:19Yeah
09:26Oh, this is hot
09:27Oh, gee, shit
09:32Oh!
09:33Oh!
09:39It'd be better if the wind was going in a different direction
09:43They're biodegradable, Joel
09:45I'm glad you clarified that
09:46Oh, my God
09:47I wish I'd put those on first
09:50I bet it's going to say
09:51Time started when the competitive animal goes off
09:54I've seen this show
09:57Nice to see you
09:58Nice to see you
09:58It's a lovely day for tasking
10:01Put on the headphones, obey the instructions and build the tower
10:05When you think you have built the correct tower, you must clap three times
10:10Fastest correct tower wins
10:12Your time started when you first blinked
10:16Yeah, you did blink when the confetti went off
10:17Oh, well, because you...
10:19Yeah
10:19But, uh, yeah
10:21I've seen it, I've seen this show
10:23APPLAUSE
10:25By grown adults who react to a confetti cannon going off in the way that normal people would react to
10:31being attacked by a tiger
10:33Have to build a tower
10:35Yes, they do
10:36Shall we then?
10:36We shall
10:37And first up, it's the Edinburgh Comedy Award winning stand-up, Amy Gledhill
10:41And also, Joel Dominick
10:43LAUGHTER
10:47At the bottom of the tower, there is a red brick
10:51At the top of the tower, there is a blue brick
10:54On top of the bottom red brick, there is a yellow brick
10:57You must hold up two green bricks within the next two seconds
11:01Otherwise, Alex will dismantle your tower
11:03Lovely
11:05You must now sing
11:06Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow
11:08Your turn
11:09Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow
11:12Oh!
11:12Now, wink at the camera
11:15Above the lowest yellow brick, there is a yellow brick
11:18Above that yellow brick, there are two more bricks
11:21Then a yellow brick
11:22You must hold up a blue brick in your left hand
11:25And a red in your right hand in the next two seconds
11:28Otherwise, Alex will dismantle your tower
11:30Very nice
11:31You've got some confetti in your hair
11:32OK
11:33You must now sing these words
11:35Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red
11:37Blue, red, yellow, red, red
11:40Oh!
11:41It could be better than that
11:41Close
11:42From the bottom, it goes red, something, something, red
11:45Something, something, green, something, something, blue
11:48The bottom brick should be red
11:51Yes!
11:51Now, wink at the camera
11:54Wink at the camera
11:56Now, wink at the camera
11:58Now, wink at the camera
11:59Now, wink at the camera
11:59Ah!
12:01Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red
12:03That bit's right
12:04That bit's right
12:04The bottom brick is red
12:06Yes, I know that
12:06Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow
12:09Is that a clue?
12:10Now, wave to the camera
12:11Holding a red brick in your right hand
12:13And a blue brick in your left hand
12:15Otherwise, Alex will dismantle your tower
12:17Oh, what was that?
12:18Oh, fuck!
12:19I forgot which way around it was
12:21No, please don't do it!
12:24You didn't wave to the camera, Charles
12:25You didn't wave to the camera
12:27Let's start again
12:28Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow
12:31Yellow, yellow
12:33Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red
12:34Now, wait for the camera
12:37Holding a red brick
12:38No, I'm fished
12:39Within the next two seconds
12:41Otherwise, Alex will dismantle your tower
12:43I didn't hear!
12:43I didn't hear what he said
12:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
12:45I have to dismantle your tower
12:49Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow
12:52Yellow, red, yellow, yellow, blue
12:57Oh, fuck the clock
13:00You may remove your headphones is it right looks right to me fuck you're annoying
13:16Amy, I've got a question for you. Yeah, have you ever winked before?
13:24I can't do it without opening my mouth and sort of doing this horrible thing right now
13:29Can we have a look at Amy's wink? Here's her wink
13:36Were you annoyed at any point?
13:39Um, yeah, I was very sad when you when you grabbed them like a child
13:44Wow, I've never hugged a brick before you've never you said you've never held a brick before
13:48That was the first time that I felt like I'd done manual labor
13:54The times are not that bad Joel 11 minutes 44 and Amy 9 minutes 53 in the lead
14:00The end of part one you think of what you're talking shut up
14:20Welcome back to Taskmaster where Alex is tormenting our cast with his horrible whiny voice
14:27Red, green, yellow, green, yellow
14:29Yes, they just have to follow my simple instructions to stack the coloured bricks in the correct order
14:34When happy with their order they need to clap three times to end the task
14:38I can't stress enough how important that bit is
14:41And so comes the turn of two guys with very manly names
14:44It's Armando and Kumail Hunky
14:51At the bottom of the tower there is a red brick
14:54At the top of the tower there is a blue brick
14:58Blue is the top
14:59You must now sing these words with me blue green yellow gray gray yellow yellow yellow blue green yellow yellow
15:06blue, green yellow yellow
15:07The bottom brick is red
15:11Remember yeah, the top one is blue
15:13Okay
15:14Now wink at the camera
15:16Blue red yellow yellow red
15:18Like Guantanamo bay
15:22from the bottom it goes red something something red something something green something something
15:28blue oh my gosh blue green yellow green yellow
15:41blue red yellow yellow red blue red yellow red blue red yellow yellow red when you think you
15:48have built the correct tower you must clap three times blue red yellow yellow red the even bricks are
15:58yellow red yellow yellow blue yellow red yellow yellow blue correct tower you must have three times
16:10blue red yellow yellow fucking red blue green yellow green yeah have you nearly finished have you nearly finished
16:23thanks come out how's it going I mean I'm miserable you must clap three times blue green yellow green
16:32yellow your turn blue green yellow green yellow now wink at the camera I forgot I could stop it at
16:48any
16:49time I thought I had to listen to all of this yeah I enjoyed that hmm I'm glad you enjoyed
16:54it you finished
16:55it half your time ago so I did this for twice twice as long as I needed to exactly that
17:01yeah
17:07I mean absolutely textbook apart from forgetting the three claps your wink was in
17:13oh my god nice one of the loveliest winks I've ever seen yeah well when I was very young my
17:19dad told me
17:20you should be able to wink you should be able to wink so that only the person you're winking at
17:23knows you're winking
17:24wow
17:26what a creepy bit of advice
17:28what a creepy bit of advice
17:31no
17:33yes
17:34do you have a good time doing that
17:35one part of my brain I was enjoying myself
17:38and another part I was thinking
17:40why
17:41yeah oh I mean just reordering coloured bricks you start weirdly coughing
17:46yeah
17:47I don't know why I was coughing I thought maybe it's because I saw that thing about how it helped
17:51someone and who wants to be a millionaire
17:52you know
17:53no
17:54no
17:54no
17:55no
17:55no
17:55no
17:55no
17:57I don't do this the wrong way it sort of felt like we were watching someone um playing a game
18:04in an old people's home
18:05yeah
18:06yeah
18:07I think I have taken it the wrong way
18:13yeah
18:14yeah
18:14well I mean obviously Camille would have been the fastest so far by quite a long way
18:18really had he clapped when he was told to clap
18:20oh
18:21but 12 minutes 06 literally couldn't be closer to Armando's because he was 12 minutes 30
18:26oh
18:27couldn't be closer
18:27who's next
18:28finally it's time to see Joanna Page stacking it
18:33I'm on
18:36okay that's for the top
18:39blue red yellow yellow red what the hell is that it's green
18:46then a yellow brick then another brick the top is blue so that must be green
18:52this is it's not right it's not right is there anything else that's gonna show me
18:59right
19:00there
19:01that's where it is
19:02right
19:04right
19:06okay
19:07right
19:08I've stopped the clock
19:09I mean I genuinely probably would have kept going all day
19:13yep I think so you were nowhere near getting it right
19:16LAUGHTER
19:25Well done.
19:27Well, I didn't trust you. I knew something was up.
19:29And also, I just couldn't follow the song.
19:31She was getting nowhere near. Yeah.
19:33It took her 8 minutes 50. Oh!
19:36If we went by who did the tower first,
19:39I would have had the shortest time.
19:40Hugh Giff, you did it the best and the second one.
19:42It's life there, isn't it?
19:43If I hadn't consistently eaten pies my whole life,
19:46I'd be able to run.
19:52Unfortunately, Amanda, you're last with one point.
19:54Kamel, you get two points because you were so slow in the end.
19:57Don't.
19:59Joel was third, three points, four points to Amy,
20:01but Joanna Page gets the full five points.
20:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:06Feels like it's scoreboard time, is it?
20:08It is, and it's so close at this stage.
20:11Armando, Joanna and Kamel in joint second on six points.
20:14Amy's in the lead with seven points.
20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:20Give me more task!
20:22Yes, and just like our relationship,
20:24this task involves an equal amount of hugging and grunting.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:29LAUGHTER
20:31TELLS
20:33TELLS
20:34TELLS
20:35TELLS
20:35TELLS
20:36TELLS
20:37TELLS
20:38TELLS
20:38TELLS
20:39TELLS
20:39Oh, look, right, here's the donkey.
20:42He's...
20:42Oh, my God, he's got plasters on his bun.
20:44Hello, Joel.
20:46Hello.
20:46Hello, Amy.
20:47Hey.
20:47Hello, Camel.
20:48Please don't touch that or look underneath it.
20:49Sorry?
20:50Shall we...
20:51Yes.
20:51Let's have a look.
20:54Paint the best painting of the painting while hugging.
20:58Right, excellent.
20:58Oh, that must be the painting.
21:00One person must always look at the original painting
21:03and hug the other two people with both arms.
21:08The other two people must always look at the new painting.
21:12The hugger may only grunt.
21:14LAUGHTER
21:15Did you write this?
21:17The painter may ask questions for one minute.
21:20Then for the rest of the task,
21:22they may only say colours, shapes or directions.
21:26Colours, shapes or directions.
21:29Ten minutes.
21:30Your time starts on the whistle.
21:32I can't draw for toffee.
21:34I don't mind.
21:35Do you want to have a go?
21:36OK, I'll paint, yeah.
21:37I kind of want to paint.
21:38You want to paint?
21:39You want to paint?
21:39All right.
21:40I might actually put my hands under there.
21:43Yeah.
21:43I'm going to get a paint for it in each hand.
21:47OK.
21:47OK.
21:48Are you looking at the painting?
21:49Oh!
21:54I had no idea, on top of all your many talents,
21:58that you could do impressions.
22:00Who's that?
22:01Oh, well, you don't know your own impression.
22:04Let's see it again.
22:06Oh!
22:07Painting, I am!
22:12Let's see them do some painting.
22:13Yes, here they all are, painting and grunting
22:15and holding each other tightly.
22:19Is it a human?
22:20Uh-huh.
22:21It's a human.
22:22Is it the Prime Minister?
22:24Uh-uh.
22:25Is it an animal?
22:26Uh-huh.
22:27Yes, it's an animal.
22:28Is it a horse?
22:30Is it a donkey?
22:31Uh-huh.
22:31Is it a donkey?
22:32Uh-huh.
22:33No, a horse.
22:34Uh-huh.
22:34Is it a man?
22:35Uh-huh.
22:36Is it just his head or is it all in his body?
22:38Uh-uh.
22:39Uh-uh.
22:40It's a...
22:41He's on a horse.
22:42He's on a horse.
22:43Is that grunting?
22:44Yeah, yeah.
22:45He's on a horse.
22:46Uh-huh.
22:47It's a horse with a jockey.
22:49Is it Putin?
22:50Uh-uh.
22:50OK.
22:55Is the horse brown?
22:56Oh!
22:57I'm gonna start on a brown horse.
22:58Is there anything?
23:01Colors, shapes and directions, please.
23:03Is it blue?
23:04Is it red?
23:05Is it red?
23:05Is it a yellow?
23:06Is it a yellow?
23:06Is it a yellow?
23:07Is it a yellow?
23:08Uh-uh.
23:09Uh-uh.
23:09Uh-uh.
23:09Skin color, white?
23:11Uh-uh.
23:11Skin color?
23:12Is that a shape?
23:15Colors, shapes and directions, Joanna.
23:17Colors, shapes.
23:17Running!
23:18No!
23:21Any squares?
23:23Uh-uh.
23:24Square!
23:24Uh-uh.
23:25Any circles?
23:26Circles!
23:27Any triangles?
23:28Triangle!
23:29Diamonds!
23:30Uh-uh.
23:33What other shapes are there?
23:35Rhombas!
23:37Boo!
23:38Skin down!
23:39In the sky!
23:40Green?
23:41I've done quite a lot of green.
23:44Get ground down!
23:47Get ground down!
23:48Uh-uh!
23:50Uh-uh!
23:52Uh-uh!
23:53Uh-uh!
23:54Uh-uh!
23:54Uh-uh!
23:55Uh-uh!
23:58Please stop painting.
23:59Do not look back.
24:02Kamau, you can look at what they did.
24:07Honestly, it's not bad.
24:19I've never heard anyone grunt he's on a horse.
24:21Yeah.
24:24There was a bit of flexibility on the rules.
24:25They also said leg as a shape, and I guess a leg is a shape.
24:29Well, no, it isn't.
24:30Is it not?
24:30No, it isn't a shape.
24:32Is it not?
24:33No!
24:34If someone told you to draw a leg shape, you'd know exactly what to draw.
24:38That's true.
24:39Very clever.
24:41LAUGHTER
24:43We'll see their paintings after you have watched some adverts,
24:47and Alex has flossed me.
24:49Bring forth the Gooch floss!
24:51LAUGHTER
24:59APPLAUSE
25:02Welcome back to Taskmaster and an intimate team task
25:05involving painting and grunting.
25:07Oh, yes.
25:08One person from each team could look at the original painting
25:10while the painters held them and asked questions.
25:13The answers could, of course, only come in the form of grunts,
25:16or, in Armando's case, quite a lot of words.
25:19Let's see the team of three's picture, first of all.
25:22This is what Joel, Amy and Kamel came up with.
25:26Oh!
25:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:28I haven't seen that.
25:30APPLAUSE
25:31You used to say that Freddie Mercury didn't ride horses.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36We don't know.
25:37R.I.P.
25:38Look at all those beautiful leg shapes.
25:40Yeah.
25:41And look at the direction of the horse as we compare the two.
25:44Yeah.
25:45Oh!
25:46The only thing that's let it down.
25:48It's pretty good.
25:48Yeah.
25:49It's pretty good.
25:49Quite a coquettish back leg from their horse.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:55May I?
25:57LAUGHTER
25:57You might not think it's quite as good when you see
26:00what the team of two managed to come up with.
26:01Let's go.
26:02Ready? They did this.
26:04APPLAUSE
26:15That was with Armando saying full word.
26:18Yeah.
26:19I think I made the mistake by facing the man forward,
26:24because that's what Putin does in the photo I've seen of him.
26:26So, the man's forward, but the horse is sideways.
26:31What is the horse?
26:32Hang on.
26:33Where's the horse?
26:34His years are done this way.
26:35The only way you have the horse is if it was painted seconds
26:39after it was hit by a bazooka.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:43I haven't said this in 20 series,
26:45but I sort of think you should be removed from the show.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:51Let's have a look at all three.
26:52OK, all three, and then some points, please, Greg.
26:55It says something, Greg,
26:57when that painting of Freddie Mercury
27:00sitting on the back of an Antieta
27:02is by far the best picture.
27:05So, is that five points for the team of three?
27:07Of course!
27:08Right.
27:08Of course.
27:09And now it's...
27:11How low do we go, I suppose?
27:13LAUGHTER
27:14So, I was going to give you two points.
27:16You do need to be penalised for Armando's flagrant cheating,
27:19so you'll have one point and you'll thank me for it.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:22It's one for the team of two, it's five for the team of three.
27:25APPLAUSE
27:28Let's get on with the next task, please.
27:30OK, and Taskmaster gets all classy now
27:33as this task involves ascension via a gilded royal staircase
27:37upon which there are boobs.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:52Alex?
27:54Kamal?
27:55LAUGHTER
27:57Ah.
27:59Ooh!
28:01Ah!
28:04Have you seen it?
28:05Have I seen what?
28:06This.
28:08Like the echo.
28:09Me too.
28:10How are you?
28:12Good.
28:15There's so many boobs.
28:18Greg did the high ones.
28:22It's the alphabet.
28:24Nothing gets by me.
28:26Get to the top of the staircase.
28:28You must take one step at a time.
28:32On each step, you must discard a letter
28:35and say at least one word.
28:39You must not use a word,
28:41because...
28:41I love to start it again,
28:42because I'm not listening to what I'm saying.
28:44Get to the top of the staircase.
28:47Get to the top of the staircase.
28:51Feels like a bit of me, this.
28:53You must take one step at a time.
28:55On each step, you must discard a letter
28:57and say at least one word.
29:00You must not use a word containing a letter you have discarded.
29:05And you must not repeat any words at any point.
29:08Nah, that's not a bit of me.
29:09Really not a bit of me.
29:11You must not repeat any words at any point.
29:14Otherwise, you must start again.
29:16Highest step reached wins.
29:19You have ten minutes.
29:20Your time starts on the whistle.
29:23Do you understand?
29:24It's very condescending.
29:27Yes, I understand.
29:29It's pretty simple.
29:31All the information's on the task.
29:34Do you want to put on the alphabet gauntlet?
29:37Uh...
29:38Look at this.
29:40This is going to go badly.
29:42There are 25 steps.
29:46Are there 25 letters in the alphabet?
29:48There are, right there. Are there?
29:50Roughly.
29:50WHISTLE BLOWS
29:56So, early on, you said,
29:57Oh, this is a bit of me, this is.
29:59Mm-hm.
30:00Right?
30:00And then later you went,
30:01Oh, actually, this is not a bit of me.
30:03What happened to change your mind that this was a bit of you?
30:06I realised that when I said,
30:07Oh, this is a bit of me...
30:08Yeah.
30:09Er...
30:10It was just steps.
30:12Right.
30:13LAUGHTER
30:13That's what I'm intrigued.
30:16So...
30:18So, the thing that's a bit of you is walking up steps.
30:20Yeah.
30:21And I'm always interested in, er...
30:23digging into an actor's method.
30:26Your method is to say the words,
30:28but not think about them.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:33Yes!
30:35LAUGHTER
30:36Yes.
30:38Right, who are we going to see first?
30:40First up, it's Ian, Dom and Page.
30:42That's Iannucci, Domit and Joanna Page.
30:53Hi.
30:54Just say the letter and then the word.
30:56That'll be correct.
30:57Hi.
30:58Hi.
30:59Hi.
31:00Hi.
31:00Hi.
31:00Hi.
31:01Hi.
31:01Hi.
31:02Hi.
31:02Hi.
31:02Let's not say yes again, please.
31:06I'm discarding the letter X.
31:09Fruit.
31:11I'm discarding the letter Z.
31:14Dr exterior.
31:15DR.
31:17G
31:18Hamster
31:20Mouse
31:22Buzzard
31:24Back
31:25What's the letter?
31:26T
31:26T back, okay
31:28What's the letter?
31:29S
31:30Mhmm
31:32O
31:33What's the letter?
31:34R
31:34Yep
31:36K
31:36Pool
31:37Y
31:37Pool
31:38P O O L
31:41S
31:42Helicopter
31:42Yeah, you've got a T in a helicopter, unfortunately
31:45Yes, but you can't use words using any of these letters
31:49Yeah, it's harder than you thought it was
31:52Same
31:54Pardon?
31:55Same
31:55Well, I don't think you can say that really because what was the one you just put down
31:58So now you have to put them all off and start again
32:00I understand it now
32:01Yeah, don't say anything else
32:02I get it
32:02Okay
32:03We're in
32:04Yep
32:04Let's go
32:05Okay
32:05I'm discarding the letter W
32:09B
32:10U
32:11O
32:12O
32:13Lovely
32:14We're halfway through the alphabet
32:16Yes
32:16Well, you can't really say yes
32:18No
32:18Because you've got rid of Y
32:21Sorry about that
32:22Can I ask a question?
32:23Do I have to say I'm discarding the letter?
32:25I don't know why you're doing that
32:26I think
32:28Well, this changes everything
32:30G
32:31House
32:32B
32:33New
32:34S
32:36Bus
32:37No, let's start again
32:39Y
32:40Low
32:42X
32:43Soppy
32:45Soppy
32:45You've had Y though, so start again
32:47Oh
32:47Concrete
32:48Door
32:49Light
32:50Ah
32:53This is where we got to last time
32:54This is where we got to last time
32:57Wank
32:58Wank
32:59Pardon
33:01Wank
33:01Wank
33:02Start again
33:03W
33:04W
33:05Wank
33:06Also not appropriate
33:07One minute thirty left
33:08Oh no
33:09Q
33:09Fuck
33:10Say
33:11Piss
33:12Still got a minute twenty
33:13Head
33:14Balance
33:15Eagle
33:15Oh
33:19I
33:1944 seconds
33:24Nail
33:24How are we spelling nail?
33:28Is it with an I?
33:30No
33:33Are we spelling it wrong?
33:35Yeah
33:41You can just like look at this
33:43Yeah, we've only got 15 seconds now
33:44Oh
33:45Can you just look at this and like spell stuff off that?
33:47Well you said that twice
33:48So start again
33:49You've got ten seconds
33:51Should I just take the ten seconds just to think for like a moment just enjoy the fact that we're
33:55in a beautiful place?
33:56Yeah
33:56Yeah, let's have a look around
34:02Uh, B
34:06B
34:06Thin
34:07Thin
34:08And that is your time up
34:10Your language in the last one wasn't great
34:11Yeah
34:12Lovely
34:12Indiscover the NLF
34:14Yes
34:15Right
34:17I'm off with some ice cream
34:20APPLAUSE
34:24Um
34:26I wrote down that Joel Joel and Armando are very different men aren't they?
34:31Mm
34:31And my evidence for that was that your opener was high and his was dromedary
34:37LAUGHTER
34:39Would you all like to see a grown man say a word that he knows he shouldn't be saying?
34:44Let's have a look at that
34:48Why?
34:50LAUGHTER
34:58It's so cute, it's like a lady's going to be like, we're pissed, what should we do next?
35:02And you're like
35:04Why?
35:07You'd start going fucking pissed as well
35:10I shouted bomb
35:11Which I just thought
35:12No
35:13I know, I just
35:14I wrote down something when you started bomb
35:16Yeah
35:16I wrote
35:17Armando has started to look like a politician
35:20Having a breakdown in Westminster
35:21LAUGHTER
35:23Joanna was most confident in her decisions
35:25I thought you were
35:25I had a system and it was animals
35:28And that
35:28Every third word you said was an animal
35:30Was it?
35:31Strange pattern of vocabulary
35:32She got the highest out of these three except for Armando
35:37LAUGHTER
35:37She got the eleventh step, Armando the twelfth
35:40Joel very pleased with his eight
35:41I'll take that
35:42I'll take eight
35:44Yeah, I'll definitely take that
35:45I just enjoyed the step
35:47LAUGHTER
35:48Right, that's it in part three
35:50In part four
35:50Someone will wear the hip flask
35:52A parachute
35:53Some melatonin
35:54A video of a lady
35:55Dancing in the Nud
35:56And a trolley with Lorraine Kelly in it
35:59It sounds like one hell of a night out
36:00Get me in!
36:07APPLAUSE
36:10Welcome back to the final part of the show on a task which feels like a sad metaphor for the
36:16ageing process
36:17Yes, I suppose you're right
36:18They're struggling to get up the stairs then forgetting what they're doing and heading back down again
36:22And they seem to have lost the most basic of vocabulary
36:25It's a laugh though, isn't it, Greg? It's a laugh
36:27Simple rules
36:28Simple rules
36:28Lose a letter every step
36:30Don't repeat words or say words that contain the lost letters
36:33Just two people left to go
36:34It is Amy and Kamel
36:39Box
36:41Put it on the floor
36:43Wherever you want
36:45Right, now pick it up and start again
36:49You've discarded X and then used the word box, which has an X in it
36:52I wanted to do it the other way around, didn't I?
36:55Z
36:57Hello
36:58Hello
36:59X
37:00Hi
37:01Hi
37:03Box
37:03No, you said box, you can't repeat words
37:08On the step
37:09No, you've got to be on the step
37:14You can say X, that would be helpful
37:15X
37:16Great
37:17And what word are you going to say?
37:19Cheese
37:23W
37:23Ice cream
37:24J
37:25South
37:25G
37:26North
37:26L
37:26East
37:27F
37:27Bob
37:28V
37:29Loaf
37:34Chop
37:35Clum
37:36Watch
37:36Pin
37:37Sob
37:38Whale
37:38Mend
37:38Hide
37:39C
37:41Hour
37:44Hour
37:46H
37:47Hour
37:48O
37:49O
37:50U
37:50U
37:51Bar
37:52S
37:53Tam
37:54E
37:54Am
37:55T
37:55Am
37:56E
37:58I
38:01T
38:01T
38:05T
38:05T
38:05T
38:05T
38:06T
38:06T
38:06T
38:09T
38:09T
38:09T
38:09T
38:10T
38:10T
38:13T
38:14T
38:14T
38:14T
38:14T
38:14T
38:14T
38:15T
38:15T
38:15T
38:15T
38:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:22What a performance from both, really. Strong.
38:25Wasn't it? Yeah. Apart from the double box nightmare.
38:28Oh, yeah.
38:29I didn't quite get it, and then I got it.
38:31Then you got it. You got it. Then I got it.
38:32And I knew you were sure when you got to the word loaf,
38:35because you said loaf so threateningly.
38:38Loaf. Loaf.
38:39Very whole. Yeah.
38:41I never thought I would see a grown man
38:44discard a child's play letter and say aye,
38:48and internally go,
38:50Aye, so cool.
38:52I feel like that was the best I ever did on any of the tasks.
38:56Well, you say that. There's a slight...
38:57Oh, no! Don't do this! Yes!
39:01Can I don't... What? It's all right.
39:03Hey, hey, hey, hey.
39:05Ten seconds ago, I was saying how cool you were.
39:07Yeah. Can I say something?
39:11Wiggle your boobs.
39:13When...
39:13Oh, my God!
39:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:18The thing was, you ended up with two letters,
39:20and Amy ended up with one letter when they got to the top.
39:2425 steps, 26 letters, but you still had two letters.
39:26Imagine if I did better.
39:29Nowhere near, John. Nowhere near.
39:32LAUGHTER
39:33There's no way Wank Boy's beaten him.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:37We love about this episode.
39:39It started with someone struggling with a wink
39:41and ended with someone struggling with a wink.
39:44Right.
39:44Isn't it like that?
39:45That's right.
39:47APPLAUSE
39:49Ah, that's...
39:50That's a lovely bit of work.
39:53Once you've all gone, we'll re-record that with me, Sagan.
39:57LAUGHTER
39:58Well, we couldn't understand what happened with all the letters,
40:01so have a look at this.
40:03H.
40:04Our.
40:05O.
40:05U.
40:05R.
40:06S.
40:08Rib.
40:08U.
40:09Was it rib or rip?
40:11Buh.
40:12R-I-B.
40:14U.
40:16U.
40:26Congratulations.
40:27I know the alphabet.
40:30LAUGHTER
40:31You didn't discard the U on a step until you took a second step
40:34with the U, so you took one extra step.
40:37You had already got to 20 at that point.
40:39I just want you to know that I did not cheat on purpose.
40:44That was an oversight.
40:46I would never cheat.
40:47That's what Nixon said.
40:49LAUGHTER
40:50I am not a cheat.
40:52So, points-wise, eight steps for Joel, one point.
40:55Joanna got to 11.
40:56Two points.
40:56Armando, 12.
40:57Three points.
40:57Kamel, you got to 20 steps, you get four points.
40:59But the winner, 25 steps, all of them,
41:01and five points to Amy Frederick!
41:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:07Quick look at the scores, then, shall we?
41:09Yes, I think we could have our first look at the series scoreboard,
41:12an early look at that.
41:13We have three men in their thirties.
41:15Kamel's on 37, Armando, 36, and Joel, 35.
41:19Two women in their fifties.
41:21GASPS
41:21Way ahead.
41:22Joanna's got 50 and Amy's got 53 at this point.
41:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:29Yes, and also...
41:31Oh, for God's sake.
41:35Take it out!
41:36Take it out!
41:38Take it out!
41:39Take it out!
41:40Take it out!
41:41Take it out!
41:41Take it out!
41:42Take it so long today!
41:43Oh!
41:45Just in time.
41:46Just in time.
41:49OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage
41:51for the final task of the show!
42:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:13Armando Inucci.
42:16The Colonel.
42:18OK, here we go.
42:20Transfer Greg's balls from your bucket to your beaker.
42:25You must wave with one hand at all times, and that hand must not touch balls or snooker cues.
42:30Also, your snooker cue must balance with one end touching the table at all times, and you can only touch
42:37your snooker cue with your non-waving hand.
42:40For every one of Alex's balls that ends up in your beaker, three of Greg's balls will be subtracted from
42:47your score.
42:48You...
42:49I'm already questioning this as I'm reading it.
42:51You...
42:51You have 100 seconds.
42:52Most Greg's balls wins.
42:54They had to be Greg's balls, did they?
42:56For this task?
42:57Everyone likes them.
42:59Oh, really?
43:00You can all grasp your cues now, as Armando is.
43:03OK.
43:04And have one hand ready to wave.
43:06So they must be waving at all times.
43:07Greg, if they don't wave, we need to be on them.
43:09Oh, I'll be on them like a puma.
43:11It's clever and good.
43:12Start waving!
43:13And start transferring ball.
43:16WHISTLE BLOWS
43:16They're off.
43:18WHISTLE BLOWS
43:19WHISTLE BLOWS
43:22WAVING
43:22WAVING
43:22WAVING
43:23WAVING
43:24WAVING
43:24WAVING PLEASE, JOEL
43:25WAVING
43:26WAVING
43:29WAVING
43:30WAVING
43:31WAVING
43:31Oh, no!
43:33WAVING
43:34WAVING
43:38WAVING
43:39WAVING
43:39WAVING
43:40WAVING
43:40WAVING
43:40WAVING
43:41Hello, Camille
43:45WAVING
43:46WAVE
43:47Hello, Amy!
43:49Hello, Amy!
43:51Oh, my God!
43:53Murmando!
43:54Your balls are everywhere, Greg!
43:57Oh, my God!
43:58WAVING
43:59WAVING
43:59OK
43:5915 seconds left, everyone
44:02KAEL
44:06WAVING
44:07WAVING
44:078 seconds left
44:09WAVING
44:10WAVING
44:11WAVING
44:12Oh, four, three, two, one, stop!
44:20You got some Alex's. I got some Alex's.
44:25Well, Greg, I'm going to have to count out how many Alex balls are in there.
44:29Beakers? Yes.
44:30I'll be honest, halfway through, I forgot which one was supposed to be in there.
44:34Oh, my God. So, the Alex's. Which one were we supposed to have in?
44:37Greg. Greg's balls. Greg, Greg.
44:40Well, it was fun.
44:43Listen, we'll add them up, we'll add it to your final scores.
44:45Come down and join me!
44:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:49How fun!
44:54Well, well, well, well. Well, exactly, I can say that.
44:56Well, well, well. Well, the balls in tubes, were they the right balls?
44:59Well, interesting. I mean, Amy and Joel both got 11 balls in tubes.
45:05Oh, Joel's like a machine, Joey.
45:07Was like a machine, but was he like a good machine?
45:10LAUGHTER
45:11Six of me, five of Greg's. That's a score of minus 13.
45:14LAUGHTER
45:16Oh, wank!
45:20APPLAUSE
45:24Amanda and Joanna both put four of Greg's balls in the bucket, correctly.
45:29Kamel put eight balls in, one was an Alex, which means you get a score of five.
45:32You're in second place, but the winner, five points, 11 of Greg's balls,
45:35Amy Gledhill again.
45:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:39Wow!
45:42You want to hear the final scores, then?
45:44I want to hear the final scores, then.
45:46In joint fourth, Joanna and Joel with 12 points,
45:48but in joint first, by herself, it's Amy Gledhill with 22 points!
45:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:04So, what have we learnt today?
46:06Well, we've learnt a lot about people.
46:09Some actors don't think about what they're saying,
46:11they're just saying the words.
46:12Some people cough in words.
46:14Some people think that skin colour is a shape.
46:17It's been a funny old show.
46:20Started off with someone struggling with a wink.
46:23LAUGHTER
46:24And ended with someone struggling with a wank.
46:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:46We're off again, but here's your winner, it's Amy Gledhill!
46:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59And back to your weekend, TFI Fridays, unplugged and brand-new
47:025 past 11 tomorrow night.
47:04Warmer Frick with beautiful renditions of the king of rock and roll
47:08across Edinburgh and Liverpool in the latest from your songs.
47:11Streaming now.
47:12Next tonight, it's been described as an instant classic.
47:15It's a double big mood.
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