- 8 hours ago
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00:00.
00:05So you've been kayaking before?
00:07Only once on a school trip and I nearly died.
00:10What? They made us all capsize and I couldn't get back up.
00:13I stayed upside down.
00:15Are you serious? It's really traumatic.
00:18Every time I righted myself to gasp for air,
00:20I could see everyone in my class laughing.
00:22Why didn't you tell me that before I got on the kayak?
00:25It made me feel like she has a lot of confidence
00:27for someone who's already toppled a kayak.
00:29And also, I think we should turn round now.
00:33Woo-hoo!
00:36We're here, baby.
00:37Most travellers avoid bad reviews.
00:39Let's see what the review says.
00:41One star. One star. One star.
00:43I've never seen anything more stupid.
00:44If I could give it zero stars, I would.
00:46But not us.
00:47I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind.
00:50I'm Sarah Pascoe.
00:51I'm brilliant at this.
00:53I'm Roisin Conaty.
00:54Come on, fishy, fishy.
00:56We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
00:59As someone who has received bad reviews,
01:01I will always try to look to the good.
01:03So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
01:06They were so busy typing in their phone moaning
01:08that they forgot to look out.
01:09And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
01:12I'm close, so it's nothing to be afraid of.
01:14My review is 100 stars.
01:17But will this Journey of Salvation be a five-star fun fest?
01:21I'm an absolute killer!
01:23Yes!
01:24Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
01:45Oh, smell that air.
01:48Lovely air.
01:50Bergen!
01:51That question mark does make me doubt myself.
01:53Bergen?
01:54Is it?
01:55Bergen?
01:56It must be.
01:56They wouldn't have let us off the plane.
01:57Well, it's making me feel like,
01:58are you sure you want to get off here?
02:00Yeah.
02:00Oslo's not that far.
02:01Yeah!
02:02You could go somewhere warmer.
02:05Do you know Norway well?
02:06I've been here before.
02:07Yeah?
02:07I ate reindeer.
02:09Oh, right.
02:09OK.
02:09And it tasted like fishy fruit, and I nearly vomited.
02:12Oh, no.
02:13Yeah.
02:13So, don't be ordering that for me.
02:15I know you won't.
02:15I won't.
02:16I'm going to ruin Christmas.
02:18It's awful.
02:18Have you been here before, have you?
02:19Three times.
02:20It's so expensive here.
02:21I phoned my bank when I got back, cos I was drunk,
02:24and I got snapped.
02:25And they're like, that's all your money gone.
02:26No, I was like, I didn't spend £100.
02:28They went, you did in a 7-Eleven.
02:29Ten years of telly down the drain.
02:31Come there, let's go have a nice expensive holiday.
02:35Norway.
02:35One reviewer said, every time we sat down to eat,
02:38100 quid disappeared.
02:40Talk about the magic of the fjords.
02:44Norway is small, but exports a lot of gas for its size.
02:48Hashtag relatable.
02:49This means high prices and high living standards.
02:52So, cities like Bergen are full of swanky, fancy places to enjoy.
02:57And we won't be going to any of them.
03:00It really is in the middle of nowhere.
03:02Now I know why they're like, Bergen?
03:05Bergen?
03:06Are we still in Bergen?
03:08Idyllically located miles from anywhere.
03:11Pod town.
03:14This isn't it though.
03:16It says pod town.
03:18Your private space in a lively place.
03:20Lively's pushing it.
03:22This can't be it.
03:23This is all rusty.
03:24It's definitely it.
03:25The pictures make it look much more glamorous,
03:27much more like Japan.
03:29Sort of like pod living.
03:30OK, I've got a check-in instruction.
03:32OK.
03:33It's self-cleaning.
03:34It's fine.
03:35Self-cleaning?
03:36We have to clean it ourself.
03:36There's no private toilet in the unit at the moment.
03:40However, a 24-hour gas station with restroom facilities
03:43is just a seven-minute walk away.
03:47I get up at least once for a wee in the night.
03:49Reviews?
03:50I mean...
03:50I mean, let's see what these people say.
03:52Three stars.
03:53Three stars!
03:55This is a decent place to stay in relation to the price.
03:57I think that's the thing, it's cheap, isn't it?
03:58Right, OK.
03:58It's Norway.
03:59It's only £4 billion.
04:00Yeah, I mean, this is cost the same as a sandwich here.
04:02Yeah.
04:02We're in town for a wedding.
04:04It's a nice place, but to be a little impractical
04:05without a toilet and a bathroom.
04:07What?
04:07A little impractical?
04:09That's illegal.
04:10You can't hire out a hotel.
04:11We don't know the rules in Norway.
04:13Surely, worldwide, the UN has got to be on us, haven't they?
04:16The important business...
04:17In round the UN.
04:19Do you want to see it?
04:20Right, let's go in.
04:21Yeah.
04:21Let's try and be positive.
04:22We're in beautiful country.
04:24One reviewer said,
04:25I'd rather sleep in a barrel than use pod town again.
04:28Well, at least it's a bargain.
04:30We've paid just £90 a night.
04:33Oh, Norway.
04:37Oh.
04:38OK, so it is...
04:39Oh.
04:40It is very...
04:41..sort of, er...
04:44..sci-fi inside.
04:45Look at these lovely chairs.
04:47It's a bit of a...
04:49..err...
04:50..fucking mess.
04:53I'm sort of stunned.
04:55Where's the mattresses?
04:56And what's this bag of crap?
04:58There's a Coke thing.
04:59Oh, God, this is someone else's mess.
05:01Because they're meant to have cleaned it.
05:02There's brown stuff on that towels and there's...
05:04..that Coke has got lumps of something in it.
05:07It smells a little bit.
05:07It does smell.
05:08That might be my fear.
05:10Don't get in it.
05:12Oh, my God.
05:12Is it moving?
05:13Oh, God.
05:16How can this be allowed?
05:18Sarah, there's a toilet.
05:19What do you mean there's no toilet?
05:20They said you have to go to the petrol station.
05:22They said there's no private toilets.
05:23What do you mean?
05:25Oh, my God.
05:26It's horrible.
05:27It's horrible.
05:29How does someone give it a three-star review?
05:30What do you do?
05:32Does this work?
05:33The door...
05:33If this door button works...
05:35Oh, hello.
05:36Come on.
05:37Careful if you don't lock yourself in there.
05:38No, I'm just trying to see if the button...
05:39Oh, there you go.
05:40Bit of privacy for the lady.
05:41Now I can have a wee.
05:43I was just trying to see if this button works, but it doesn't.
05:49Can you not open it?
05:51Oh, I've locked myself in.
05:53Have I?
05:54Oh, no.
05:55You've locked yourself in.
05:56Help!
05:57Help!
05:57Help!
05:58The murderer!
06:00Well, I thought we'd got to get some joy out of this absolute shit bit.
06:07Something felt up about Podtown, and it wasn't just the portable toilet full of piss.
06:13I'm just going to check.
06:14Oh, no, no, no, no.
06:15We're not in the right one.
06:17This is...
06:18This is our bathroom.
06:20What?
06:20This is our toilet.
06:22Oh.
06:23Oh, my God.
06:24Ours is round the corner.
06:25Thank God for that.
06:27D8.
06:28D8.
06:29Oh, fingers crossed.
06:30Come on.
06:30Come on.
06:31Come on.
06:32Oh, Sarah.
06:34It's a win.
06:35It's clean.
06:36There's mattresses.
06:37Oh, nice.
06:38Oh, it's really nice.
06:40Luxury is not a pleasure, but pleasure is a luxury.
06:43Oh, it's lovely.
06:45And now we know we've got a private bathroom round the corner.
06:48There's an air outlet and a sleep mode.
06:51Light.
06:51Ooh.
06:53Do, do, do, do, do, do.
06:54This is lovely.
06:55This is what I was envisioning and I like it very much.
06:58It's like when you've got an alright boyfriend after a really bad man.
07:05We head into town for some food with a skip in our step.
07:09This is it.
07:09This is it.
07:10Taste of Norway, baby.
07:12Ladies first.
07:13Taste of Norway describes itself as an adventurous experience.
07:18So far, so concerning.
07:20Let me read a review to you.
07:22Two stars.
07:23The buffet was unexceptional and the decor frightful.
07:26By the way, the toilet offered the exotic view of a couple of pair of socks hung up to dry.
07:32That is very strange.
07:33I need to see these socks.
07:35Come and bring us to your socks.
07:37Come to the toilets with me.
07:38We've come to Norway.
07:39We want to see your socks.
07:43Huh.
07:44It's so clearly a display.
07:46It's really cute.
07:48What?
07:49People are absolute arseholes.
07:51Imagine giving a bride with you.
07:53They've obviously never been to the theatre.
07:56If anything, I'd say it would be good if they had a little woman sitting there.
08:00I'd go all in even more.
08:02So she's just sitting...
08:03You know like you have a bathroom attendant, but I'd have her dressed in the gear like that.
08:07Your socks need washing?
08:08This is it.
08:10Five stars.
08:11What's your socks?
08:12Right.
08:13Let's go and have a bit of a taste of Norway.
08:16Taste of Norway offers a Norwegian buffet.
08:19Two words I've never heard together.
08:21But surely it's the perfect way to enjoy Norwegian culinary delights like these slices of... brown?
08:28Maybe our host can help.
08:30Hello.
08:31Hi.
08:32Welcome.
08:33This is the buffet.
08:34We have four stations.
08:35This is the cold starch.
08:37Oh, okay.
08:37And I've just seen you serve whales.
08:40We do.
08:40We do.
08:41Black's a whale.
08:42It's smaller than I thought.
08:44I don't think it's the whole thing.
08:46What else are you killing?
08:47A reindeer.
08:48A moose.
08:48No one's safe in the woods or the water.
08:51Yeah.
08:51So I'm going to have a little bit of this because Sarah's vegan.
08:53Go ahead.
08:54Is there anything veggie then, do you reckon?
08:55So we have bread.
08:57Because this is a very typical Norwegian treat.
08:59I'll have the bread.
09:00Yeah.
09:00Sarah does all the bread eating.
09:01I do all the meat eating.
09:03Okay.
09:03How much am I allowed?
09:04Not too...
09:05Oh, really?
09:05Whoa.
09:06Oh, it's really filling.
09:07Yeah.
09:08I'm a hungry girl.
09:09Sarah had the bread cupboard.
09:10So it was down to me to taste every other taste of Norway there is.
09:15Hmm.
09:15Oh, what's this?
09:16That is a herring.
09:17Oh, I'll have a little bowl.
09:19This is called rømgrøt.
09:20Good enough for the Vikings.
09:21Good enough for me.
09:23Fish cakes?
09:23Yes, please.
09:24That looks delicious, actually.
09:26Reindeer meatballs.
09:27Why not?
09:28Fish soup.
09:29I'll have a bit of that as well.
09:30Get a couple of bits of those, Sarah.
09:31Oh, that's a good soup.
09:32Are you going to be okay with that?
09:33Unfortunately, yeah.
09:34I feel like I'm so greedy I've got to help.
09:36I don't normally get filmed at buffets and now I see why.
09:39This is a good trial for your only friends.
09:43Just that's enough, though.
09:44I've got to be a greedy gut.
09:46Right, Sarah, let's do this.
09:47Look at this.
09:48You've got, er...
09:49Some flaps.
09:50So I'll get to my bread.
09:53You all right?
09:55You've got so much.
09:57How's that eating some of your fishy soup?
09:59I'll tell you what I've got.
10:01Fish.
10:01First up, a Scandi classic.
10:03Pickled herring.
10:05I feel like a feeder just watching you.
10:07Did you like that?
10:08A bit more.
10:11It's actually nice.
10:13No, no.
10:14Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
10:15Nice and then...
10:18Whoa.
10:19Spit it out.
10:24I just didn't drink it.
10:26I look like Hannibal Lecter.
10:28I thought...
10:31What's that cake like, then?
10:33Well, it is dry cake, like they said.
10:36Luckily, I'm being brought some vegan food by my knight in shining waistcoat.
10:41She was very happy with her 19 bits of bread, though.
10:45That's really kind.
10:46Mmm.
10:48The broccoli is absolutely outstanding.
10:50It's flavoured up the wazoo.
10:53Where is the wazoo on a broccoli?
10:54I'm going to try this sort of risotto.
10:57It's an old Viking dish that they had at weddings.
10:59OK.
11:00To the bride and groom!
11:02Oh, it's good stuff.
11:04I think I'm Norwegian in spirit.
11:08Next on the menu, the mystery of the brown slices is solved.
11:12It's Norwegian speciality, brown cheese.
11:17Oh, yeah.
11:19What?
11:22I've never said what to do.
11:23What is happening?
11:25There isn't words for this.
11:26What happened?
11:26It's toffee.
11:27There's a toffee bit.
11:28What?
11:28It's turned into toffee.
11:30It feels like I'm eating toffees that have been left on top of cheese.
11:33It's a magical place, Laura, isn't it?
11:35The cheese becomes toffee.
11:36It may be the best thing I've ever tasted.
11:38Is it?
11:42I'm going to be gross. Are you ready?
11:45I wasn't ready.
11:46It's sort of like toffee.
11:47I wasn't ready.
11:49I'll never be ready.
11:51It's like a toffee texture.
11:53Yeah, but I believed you.
11:55I didn't mean to be showing it out of your mouth.
11:59You see what you vegans are sneakily getting up to behind our backs?
12:02It'll make you realise.
12:03Oh, hello.
12:04Vegans drink like Vikings.
12:06Oh.
12:07What?
12:08And they need some mead.
12:09Some mead?
12:12I'll bring.
12:14Thank you very much.
12:16You've got me soft footsteps, I'll tell you that.
12:20Ah, yes.
12:21Apple juice.
12:21The drink of Vikings who are doing dry jam.
12:24Skoy.
12:25Skoy.
12:26Skoy.
12:27Skoy.
12:34Skoy.
12:36Yeah, we need doggy bags, please.
12:42We're in Norway.
12:43One online review says, this disgusting country is disgusting, and today we're heading out to
12:48see just how disgusting it is.
12:50Yeah, not that disgusting really.
12:51It's so pretty.
12:53It's so pretty.
12:54I cannot believe how beautiful these wooden houses are.
12:56And then like the big mountain behind them.
12:58Bergen means seven mountains or something?
13:01What does Bergen mean?
13:03Seven mountains?
13:05Seven?
13:05It's a seven-long mountain.
13:07But Bergen is also one of Norway's busiest ports, with over 300 cruise ship visits a year,
13:14taking passengers to see the beautiful fjords.
13:16But I've found a way of getting out on the water without spending a penny.
13:20Or whatever they spend in Norway.
13:23Norwegian pennies.
13:24This is exciting.
13:25This is getting right on a fjord.
13:28Couldn't be more Norwegian.
13:29It's free, which also couldn't be less Norwegian.
13:33Oh, it doesn't cost money, but I think that's because it's work technically.
13:37Hello.
13:37Hello there.
13:38Hi, I'm Sarah.
13:39I'm Andreas.
13:40I'm Roshi.
13:41Nice to meet you.
13:42So, what is this experience?
13:44It's basically a concept where you get to rent a kayak for free.
13:49You get out here and you explore the scenery, and then you pick up rubbish by the coastline.
13:54What kind of rubbish do you have out there?
13:56We have all kinds.
13:57Beer cans.
13:58We even have those electric scooters.
14:01And can we keep anything we find, like an electric scooter?
14:03If you want to, but the last time that happened, it exploded outside here.
14:08What?
14:08So, don't do that.
14:09So, basically, you don't have to pay for it if you go and do a job.
14:12Exactly.
14:13But something might explode.
14:14And then when you come back here, you get to weigh the trash, and it's reported so they'll
14:19know how much trash has been picked.
14:21Okay.
14:21And what about turning over?
14:22What are the chances of us capsizing?
14:24Basically, none.
14:26Will you hear us if we scream?
14:27Oh, Christ.
14:28I have a good hearing.
14:29Okay, great.
14:30Well, let's hope so.
14:31So, this is all our stuff.
14:32Today, we're going out canoeing, getting rubbish, saving the world.
14:36As a favour to Norway, you're welcome.
14:39I think we'll probably get our NBEs, or whatever the equivalent is in Norway.
14:44Do they have a royal family here?
14:45No, of course they don't.
14:46They do have a royal family.
14:47Okay, well, I think the king's going to give us a surprise.
14:50So, how often do you do this?
14:52Well, I help people with it.
14:55You don't actually ever do it yourself?
14:57Nah.
15:00He's never done it.
15:01I mean, that does worry me, Roche.
15:03Well, of course it should.
15:04I'm quite scared of open water.
15:06I lost my voice in open water as a child.
15:09It feels like I'm going to tip you.
15:10It won't, I promise.
15:11It does feel like I'm going to tip you.
15:12It's not going to tip.
15:13It's a cold, open water.
15:14I always think if I tip over, I'm going to scream, but no one's going to hear me.
15:20Are you going to do us?
15:21Let's see.
15:23All you want is someone who you trust to explain how it works.
15:26Okay, that was the wrong key.
15:28It's the wrong key.
15:29Andreas, do you even work here?
15:30Andreas comes out and he said, oh, I've never been on a kayak.
15:33Then he couldn't do the keys.
15:35I don't think you work here.
15:36You've never done it before.
15:37You don't have the right keys.
15:38I just wandered up here.
15:40Very lovely.
15:41It's a little bit frightening.
15:43Eric to the rescue.
15:43Okay, we're ready.
15:45We're ready.
15:46Woo!
15:46There we go.
15:48It's time for us to get out there and clean up this filthy town.
15:51Watch out.
15:52We're about to hit something.
15:53Oh, God.
15:53Sorry.
15:54It's just I've not been very elegant.
15:55There we go.
15:56We sort of need to left and right at the same time.
15:59Okay.
16:00There we go.
16:01Do you reckon next year they'll do Oxford, Cambridge and then Roshid and Sarah in the third boat?
16:06Woo!
16:07Fucking hell.
16:08Try again.
16:10Right.
16:10Oh, the wind's not in our favour.
16:12No.
16:12Are you rowing?
16:13Yeah.
16:14Okay, let's go.
16:15Find some litter.
16:17But first, we need to make it out of the harbour.
16:20We need to go round.
16:21We're going to hit this boat if we just drift.
16:23Let's just...
16:24Oh, dear.
16:25Okay.
16:25Are you okay?
16:26Yep.
16:27Yep.
16:27Yep.
16:28Oh, no.
16:29Not again.
16:30It's just too late.
16:31We're going to hit this one.
16:32Oh.
16:33Shit, they're bad.
16:35We've got our own system, really, when you think about it.
16:38We have, yeah.
16:38We sort of boat like pinball.
16:44That way or that way?
16:45I'll just go straight out, head for home.
16:48The English Channel.
16:50Here we come.
16:53Are there any Norwegian songs for sailing?
16:56Er, they must be, mustn't they?
16:59I don't know what we can clear there.
17:00They don't yodel, do they?
17:00We need, like, a sea shanty.
17:02Yeah.
17:03There you go high and we go low.
17:05Like, Norse, it can't be that different from, like, Scottish.
17:08Imagine Vikings arriving on these boats.
17:11We should have worn little horns in our hats.
17:13Maybe that would be offensive, actually.
17:16What's that going to be a bit more litter?
17:19Should we collect some seaweed?
17:21Well, that's the only thing.
17:22I think they've...
17:23They're very clean.
17:25I haven't seen a single crisp packet.
17:27Not so much as a cigarette butt.
17:28Not seen one thing.
17:30It's a really weird feeling to be disappointed
17:33that there's not more litter.
17:35It's been ravaged by other kayakers.
17:37They've gone in, there's nothing left.
17:39Norway's too clean!
17:40They've had an absolute run-on of people in the green kayaks.
17:44But suddenly, we had bigger problems to deal with.
17:48It's getting very choppy now, Sarah.
17:49I think we need to get away from these rocks.
17:51Sarah, we need to move.
17:53It's mad.
17:53I know, but we're going the along way.
17:55We're going to hit the wall.
17:56I know, we are. It's too wavy.
17:57Is this what seamen see just before they die?
18:00Quick, quick, we've got to turn round.
18:02This is going to tip us.
18:03Fuck!
18:05Oh, there's a GoPro in the water.
18:07The GoPro's on the rocks!
18:08The GoPro's in the water!
18:09Oh, fuck, it's gone.
18:11We then did smash the GoPro.
18:14It's gone, it's gone!
18:15No, it's not. It's there.
18:16I need the net.
18:16And Sarah went to climb out of the boat
18:18in the open water to get it.
18:20Don't stand out of the boat!
18:21Don't stand out of the boat!
18:22I'm just kneeling, I'm just kneeling.
18:24You're going to tip me in the water!
18:25I won't tip you in the water!
18:26Fucking hell!
18:27I thought that was mad.
18:29I can't believe our littering is just rescuing a GoPro.
18:33We did rescue something.
18:35We just sort of had to lose it first.
18:37It's quite an odyssey, really.
18:40I'm soaking.
18:42We were heading back with nothing to show but wet socks
18:45and a camera that would never GoPro again.
18:47But then...
18:49Oh, there's something!
18:50There's something in the water!
18:51It's a banana peel!
18:52A banana peel!
18:53It's a banana peel!
18:55Get it!
18:55Get it!
18:56Oh, my God.
18:58Yeah!
18:59Woo!
19:01A biodegradable banana peel!
19:04Doesn't matter.
19:05It was unsightly.
19:06Banana peel!
19:07Yes, it may only be one banana skin, but I have contributed to the removal of rubbish from this beautiful
19:12water.
19:13Oh, if that banana was still in the sea, I wouldn't have slept tonight.
19:17Oh, shit.
19:19Oh, that was lovely and relaxing.
19:24Andreas, we've worked really hard.
19:26Norway is welcome for our service.
19:28Can you just tell us how many kilograms of rubbish we collected?
19:32Yeah, let's see.
19:33I'm gonna turn this thingy on.
19:34Pretend you've used it before.
19:36Yeah.
19:37Stare at it.
19:38Like an alien...
19:39Oh, yes.
19:39...concept.
19:40Yeah, well, it's 0.0 kilograms, 0.0 pounds.
19:44Well, I'm gonna throw it back in the water!
19:46I like weight.
19:47They're very healthy.
19:48They weigh nothing.
19:49It's organic.
19:50Listen, Norway's very clean.
19:52Why are you luring people out here with this sort of, like, we need help, come and clean our waters?
19:56It's absolutely spotless out there.
19:58It gives you an opportunity to explore the coastline in ways you wouldn't otherwise.
20:04We definitely explored.
20:05We saw some of those rocks really close up.
20:07Yeah.
20:08Exactly.
20:10Anyway, it was really lovely to meet you.
20:12Likewise.
20:12Oh, it was wonderful fun.
20:14Loads of the bad reviews in Norway are because of how expensive things are.
20:18So it's a real boon to find something that is completely free and enjoyable.
20:21But I can't say if this is a great freeway to see Bergen because I only saw this bit here.
20:28And you can see that from here.
20:32So we decided to see more of the city using a method so budget-friendly it was invented before money
20:38was even a thing.
20:39Walking.
20:42Oh, it's lovely.
20:44It's lovely.
20:45It's lovely.
20:45It's kind of pumping.
20:47Yeah.
20:47On a Saturday afternoon.
20:49Yeah.
20:50And my number one criteria for judging the quality of a city, dog vibes.
20:55Hello, snuggles.
20:56Oh, hello.
20:58Good morning.
20:58Can I say hello to the doggy?
21:00Oh, my God.
21:01Hello, doggy.
21:02Oh, hi.
21:03Oh, hi.
21:04Oh, buddy.
21:07Good morning.
21:10I think the dogs are outstanding and I think that is, for me, a big green flag.
21:16Do you reckon you could live here?
21:17Yeah, if I run away from my family.
21:21If I did live here, one thing I'd probably end up doing is the country's national sport.
21:26Skiing.
21:2770% of Norwegians own a pair of skis.
21:30The other 30% presumably just go down on a tea tray.
21:33But how do they practise when there's no snow on the slopes?
21:36We've come to an empty car park to find out.
21:41It feels...
21:42Like we're going to Fight Club.
21:43Yeah.
21:43Like we're meeting the Romford lot.
21:45Meeting the Romford lot behind the ice rink.
21:48Sort this out once and for all.
21:51And where...
21:52I can't see anyone.
21:53I can't even imagine what a roller ski looks like.
21:56I think they do it to practise in when they can't get on the slopes.
21:59It's a real...
21:59This is genuinely where they practise, apparently.
22:02Erm, would you like to hear some reviews?
22:05One star, the first time I ever saw this here in Norway, my first thought was,
22:09OK, Norwegians have finally lost it.
22:12It's excessive, isn't it?
22:14And it's just not a very...
22:15As a review, it lacks any sort of, like, pizzazz.
22:21Look, to add wheels and then go really fast in a car park,
22:24that's fun, right?
22:25Yeah.
22:26If indeed it even exists.
22:28Yeah, we haven't seen them yet.
22:29No.
22:30It does feel like we're going to get mugged,
22:32like we've arranged to come and buy drugs.
22:34No-one would mug you in such sort of open space.
22:40Wow.
22:41Oh, God, this must be them.
22:43Here they are.
22:44The cavalry is arriving.
22:47That is a weird sport.
22:50OK, they're coming now.
22:51We've got to stop laughing.
22:52Look serious.
22:53Wow, they're fast.
22:55Hi.
22:55Hi.
22:56Hi.
22:58Hi.
22:58Oh, they're very...
23:00Oh!
23:02Hello.
23:03Hello.
23:04Very good.
23:05Are you allowed to do that in the streets?
23:07Yeah.
23:08We do it anyway.
23:09Oh, OK.
23:09Bad boys.
23:10Like your style.
23:11I'm Roisin.
23:11I'm Sarah.
23:12Hi.
23:13Hi.
23:13How long have you been doing this for?
23:15And are you a gang?
23:17Yeah, I would say so.
23:18Yeah, I would say so.
23:18So we've been practising since we was 12, I think.
23:22Oh, wow.
23:23Is this very popular in Norway, what you're doing?
23:25Yeah.
23:25As we say, Norwegian are born with skis on their feet.
23:29If someone has given birth twice, I'm like, ugh.
23:33And do you have to practise for the actual slope,
23:35or is it a separate thing on its own?
23:37Yeah, we're practising for the cross-country skis in the winter.
23:41OK.
23:41You'd compete...
23:42Yeah, in the summer we compete with warm skis sometimes,
23:45but it's more often in the winter.
23:47OK, I see.
23:48How long do you think it will take us to learn how to do this?
23:50So have you been skiing before, or...
23:52No, we've not been skiing ever, so this is going to be interesting.
23:55Yeah.
23:56Balance must be important.
23:57Yeah, yeah.
23:58Check this out.
23:58Maybe the most important.
24:00That's good.
24:00I'm going to stay for ages.
24:02Look, they're all like, oh, she's going to be good.
24:06Now to practise for a sport we've never done before
24:08on a hard tarmac surface.
24:11When he's taking his left foot down,
24:14his right pole is going there.
24:15OK, it's the opposite.
24:16It's the opposite line.
24:17OK.
24:19Always when we come to a country,
24:20I want to try things that normal tourists don't get a chance to do.
24:24When you watch other people going really fast on something,
24:26you think, ah, that's really fun, let me at them.
24:28And then I was instantly chastened by the danger element.
24:33Oh, shit.
24:34There we go, there we go.
24:35It doesn't feel very elegant when you turn back round.
24:38Oh, you turn, though.
24:39Shoo, shoo, shoo.
24:40All right, OK, going too far.
24:42Stop.
24:43It feels like it's something that someone's cursed us with.
24:46For the rest of your days, you will have wheels for feet.
24:50Yeah, I'm sort of getting the hang of it.
24:51Shoo, shoo, shoo.
24:54Yeah, like that.
24:56You're doing really great for doing it the first time.
24:58Ha-ha.
24:59Oh, it was very much an enjoyable experience.
25:01Oh, boo!
25:03If Roisin had been a bit more steady,
25:05I think we'd have had more fun, because I was partly worried.
25:08Oh, God.
25:10It's too fast.
25:11How do I stop?
25:12Oh!
25:13It's very frightening,
25:15because you just think you're going to fall the whole time.
25:17Help me!
25:20It's like ice skating,
25:21but you normally have something you can hold on to for ages,
25:24and I did, but it was a 16-year-old, or, you know,
25:27I was just like...
25:29Oh, God!
25:29Just stay with your knees a bit tucked.
25:32I want to stop.
25:33But what I'm hoping is, in this edit,
25:35you'll just speed me up really fast
25:37and put really good music on it and make me look cool.
25:42Morning!
25:46Help! Help!
25:48Fuck this.
25:49Have you ever done this with anyone worse?
25:52Er...
25:52No, not that great.
25:55See, that feels fantastic.
25:56Maybe I would like skiing as long as it was sort of flat.
26:00I didn't want to look like I was having a great time
26:02while Roisin was struggling, but it was really fun.
26:04I absolutely disagreed with the reviews.
26:06I don't think the Norwegians have finally lost it.
26:08This seems to me like common sense.
26:09You can't ski on snow, you pop some wheels on.
26:11Clogs, on the other hand, from Denmark.
26:14Wooden shoes.
26:15You know?
26:17They've lost it.
26:20They're very honest, the Norwegians.
26:22I like it.
26:22He said I was the worst person he'd ever done it with
26:24and I'd improved that much.
26:26It sounds exactly like when I lost my virginity.
26:31OK.
26:31Thank you very much.
26:33It's lovely to meet you.
26:34I tell you what, turning round is so inelegant.
26:38Bye, guys.
26:38Thanks for teaching us.
26:40Bye.
26:40Goodbye.
26:41Bye.
26:43Do you think we should skate to our next thing?
26:46What is the next thing?
26:47I don't know.
26:47The hospital.
26:53We're in Norway, known for fjords,
26:57fishermen's cabins,
26:58oh, and black metal.
27:02Famous for its up-tempo songs,
27:04Satan worship and church burnings,
27:07black metal is Norway's biggest cultural export.
27:10So to see why the lovely Norwegian people are so keen on this dark music,
27:14we've arranged to meet a local band at their rehearsal space.
27:18Would you like to hear some reviews of black metal music,
27:22which is so huge in parts of Norway?
27:24Such a big question.
27:25I sort of feel like this is the gateway drug to going in there.
27:28Go on, then.
27:30One star.
27:31Does anyone else think black metal is just noise,
27:34like the vocals are basically just growling?
27:36Yes.
27:36Forgettable riffs,
27:37boring, melodic leads, cliched lyrics about Satan.
27:40I'm quite scared of death.
27:42I don't like Satan and stuff.
27:43Is it pro-Satan or anti-Satan?
27:45Well, he's just getting a lot of air time.
27:47Yeah.
27:48What's the band called?
27:49I don't know.
27:50We're going to find out.
27:51Oh, Christ.
27:52I don't think it's that.
27:58I don't think it's that.
28:02Winter Briss are a melodic black metal band.
28:05Their name may sound Satanic, but actually it means winter's breeze.
28:10I think I've got a candle called that.
28:13Are you ready?
28:14Yeah.
28:15Ready?
28:16How are you?
28:17We just have to go in.
28:19Ready?
28:19Yeah.
28:29The first impressions, it was too loud.
28:32If it is like, can you survive this?
28:36I'm probably not going to be that relaxed.
28:39Sarah did some good dancing.
28:40I actually thought it might be my new thing.
28:43Imagine that.
28:44Is Sarah coming?
28:44Which one?
28:45Oh, the other one is into black metal.
28:48What, the mum of two from North London?
28:50Yeah, she's into black metal now.
28:53Ooh.
28:54It's very much like a panic attack.
28:58And I guess that's the vibe.
28:59Yeah.
28:59It's an extreme genre that kind of has a lot of feelings.
29:02And the thing is to get that creature out of you.
29:05And heavy metal's huge in Norway.
29:08Certain parts of it, for sure.
29:09Yes.
29:09Black metal it's called, isn't it?
29:11Black metal.
29:11Black metal.
29:11Black metal over heavy metal.
29:13More distortion, more kind of gritty sound.
29:16And so, what is the vocal?
29:18How do you sing?
29:19It's kind of like screaming, you know?
29:21But it is, at some point.
29:23Yes, the scream singing.
29:24Yeah.
29:24You're supposed to, like, use all the capacity in your lungs.
29:27Yeah.
29:28And it would be, like,
29:29Ah!
29:30But then you would add even more volume.
29:33You banged your toe.
29:33So it would be,
29:34Ah!
29:35Banged one by the elbow!
29:37And then you could pitch it with your mouth, so it can go deeper.
29:41So it could be, like,
29:42Oh!
29:44Sorry.
29:45But Roisin's got a really scary voice.
29:47Oh, yeah.
29:47I don't know if this is right.
29:49I used to climb inside a duvet cover.
29:51And I tend to my sister that I was going to another side.
29:53And I used to do this voice.
29:55I'm going to the other side.
29:56You'll never mind me again.
30:00Really scary.
30:00So you inhale, right?
30:02Ah.
30:02That's another type of style.
30:03Well, I've never done it to, like, a song.
30:05Why don't you do the drums and I do the song?
30:08Can't we?
30:08Sorry, we've just invited ourselves into your band.
30:10We're very dark of heart.
30:12Yeah.
30:12Then you're welcome.
30:14Great.
30:17We're going to do this one and the leg at the same time.
30:20And then in between.
30:22Actually, I can't do the rhythm.
30:27That's the same.
30:35I couldn't hear you because I was drumming so loud.
30:38Were you singing well?
30:39No.
30:39I was just trying to put...
30:40I just said things like, I like cornflakes.
30:42Just positivity.
30:44It didn't look like I was having a great time.
30:46I don't think anyone's going to think, oh, this person's a natural.
30:48Like, if black metal Simon Cowell will pass.
30:51I'd only be like, these girls look like they got something.
30:54I like going through the wind when we're seeing all the men wins.
31:01That was a very positive song.
31:03A natural.
31:04Safe to say, our metal's more beige than black, so it's over to Vinta Brit for one last tune.
31:14Yeah, it's not for me.
31:15Yeah, it's not for me.
31:15That's war music.
31:17Sorry, and don't everyone start emailing me going, you're not listening right.
31:19Well, I couldn't because I've already gone deaf.
31:22I'm buzzing.
31:23Yeah.
31:24I feel like it's a very short concert.
31:26My ears are buzzing.
31:28We had to run out.
31:29I'm being very mean.
31:31Yeah.
31:31And they seem very nice.
31:32But listen, they all think the music, I like shit, so...
31:35No-one's ever gone on a killing spree after listening to Boyzone.
31:38You're absolutely right, Sarah.
31:41After seeing the dark side of Norwegian culture,
31:45it's time to visit somewhere even more unpleasant.
31:48The olden days.
31:50This is very nice.
31:51A living museum.
31:52Hello, walls.
31:54Are you alive?
31:55I feel like a living museum sometimes.
31:57A living museum to what happened in the 90s.
32:00The museum shows visitors what life was like in 1800s Bergen,
32:04with a cast of actors bringing the small town dramas to life.
32:07We're looking forward to Ibsen meets Emmerdale.
32:10You ain't my heron-pickler!
32:12Yes, I am!
32:13So, do you want to hear a review?
32:15Yes, please.
32:16OK.
32:16One star.
32:17Oh.
32:18The professions are portrayed less convincingly.
32:22The so-called actors are completely wrong,
32:26with unnecessary, comma, out-of-place performances.
32:30OK.
32:31I've been called a so-called comedian many, many times,
32:34so I'm going to give these so-called actors the benefit of the doubt.
32:39Yeah, this sounds like someone who didn't get the gig.
32:42A rival from another museum.
32:44Yeah.
32:45Shitting all over them.
32:46Yeah.
32:46Also, I've done jobs like this.
32:47Yeah.
32:48I've done historical acting in places,
32:50you know, in the Meridian in Greenwich,
32:52telling people about when time was discovered.
32:55You can join in, then.
32:56Yeah, I will join in.
32:57As soon as I know the facts, I'll be in there.
32:59I'll be like, my turn.
33:00Right, let's go and see it, cos it starts in four minutes.
33:03Oh, great, let's go.
33:05I could have told you that if we were on the Meridian.
33:07LAUGHTER
33:09We're just in time to catch a short play
33:12about our favourite topic, dental care.
33:15So, ladies and gentlemen, come closer,
33:18it's nothing to be afraid of.
33:20I'm the dentist, by the way.
33:22But as it turns out, only one of the actors has turned up.
33:26I'm just waiting for some customers.
33:29They will arrive quite soon, I hope.
33:35I just have to wait, I'm afraid.
33:37This is where we could get up and do a song and dance for everyone.
33:41What's the best time to visit the dentist?
33:432.30.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:45Let's get warmed up, let's stop.
33:49So, erm, we wait for a few minutes, and then we are ready.
33:56The trouble is, I'm coming up on my third coffee,
33:58I do need something to happen.
34:02Oh, God.
34:03I thought they would be on time.
34:04I don't like waiting.
34:07Are you ready?
34:08Not yet.
34:09Not yet.
34:11Oh, my God.
34:13I think we should just create a bit of drama.
34:15Yeah?
34:17Oh, no!
34:18It's OK, I'm fine.
34:20I'm fine.
34:21It's OK.
34:21She's got a sore tooth.
34:24You all right?
34:25Yeah, she's just...
34:28Good acting.
34:30Here we go.
34:31But why?
34:32You know why.
34:33Oh, my God.
34:34You're getting married,
34:35so you have to get all your teeth pulled up now
34:37so your husband don't have to pay for it in the future.
34:40Yes.
34:40All of them?
34:42I got mine out for my confirmation,
34:44and then you got nice new dentures in.
34:46It will be all right.
34:48Welcome, welcome.
34:48I bid you welcome.
34:49It's nothing to worry about.
34:51It takes about half an hour.
34:53Half an hour?
34:54I'll wait for you here.
34:55This way.
34:56Come on.
34:57We need to help that lady.
34:59I disagree with the reviews.
35:00It's good stuff.
35:01Calling it a play is pushing it,
35:04but it's an oddly immersive piece,
35:05and they use the space very well.
35:06When she runs upstairs and comes out the window,
35:08you're like, lovely stuff.
35:09It's like a Western.
35:09PHONE RINGS
35:13I'm not finished.
35:14She's covered in blood.
35:15I found out awful things.
35:17It was quite informative that all women
35:19had to get all their teeth removed
35:20before you got married
35:21so that your husband didn't have to pay for it.
35:22But good performers,
35:24a little bit of gore,
35:24a tiny little bit of smell.
35:26Come with me,
35:26and I shove you my instruments.
35:29Excuse me?
35:30It was a little bit of a,
35:31this is theatre, baby.
35:33I'm all for it.
35:34APPLAUSE
35:38Right, Sarah.
35:39What next?
35:42Boss.
35:43OK.
35:43Camping, outdoors, stars, women bonding.
35:46And so we've done quite a lot in Bergen,
35:48and now we're going to go and see a bit more of the countryside,
35:51and we're going to go, dare I say it,
35:53hellish camping, but somewhere beautiful.
35:57So, go somewhere nice, do an awful thing.
35:59That's sort of the vibe, right?
36:01LAUGHTER
36:04We're exploring Norway,
36:06a country which has prompted this review.
36:08Expensive, cold and wet.
36:10What's not to like?
36:11So, we've decided to see the most fit landscapes in the world
36:15via the worst thing ever invented, camping.
36:18We've come to the station.
36:20We've been lent this stuff for free.
36:22There's a place called Boer,
36:25and it's like a Christian missionary,
36:26and in Norway, they lend it to you for free,
36:28so you don't, like, have to buy it and have waste.
36:30Just give it back, it's amazing.
36:32And we're going to Boss.
36:33Boss.
36:34Now I'm camping.
36:36Beautiful place, terrible activity.
36:38Do you think it will convert me?
36:39Yeah.
36:40That's my...
36:41That's what I'm going to do.
36:42I'm going to convert you.
36:43You're going to become a camping gal.
36:45Right, let's go and get the train, then.
36:46All right.
36:48You managed to get off a bit lightly there, didn't you?
36:50I did.
36:53We have left it a little bit late.
36:54I mean...
36:55We've got so much stuff.
36:56Quick, quick, quick.
36:58Oh, hello.
37:01Snazzy.
37:01Your Majesty.
37:05We're heading east to the small town of Vos,
37:07on a train one passenger described as bad and unreliable.
37:11So we'll fit right in.
37:15Do you want to hear a review of this train, Sarah?
37:17I'd absolutely love one.
37:18I can't imagine anyone saying anything negative.
37:20One star.
37:22The train is not particularly clean or well-maintained.
37:25The toilets had no soap and the seats very loose.
37:29The worst train I've ever been on.
37:31Is that King Charles and Camilla?
37:33Who...
37:33It is, actually. They've signed it themselves.
37:35I don't know.
37:36At the end, you didn't even see much of the landscape either.
37:40What?
37:41Do you know what I reckon they were doing?
37:42They were so busy just typing in their phone moaning
37:44that they forgot to look out.
37:47So pretty.
37:49Wow.
37:50This is it, isn't it?
37:51This is being on holiday.
37:52The bridge, the water.
37:54It's so relaxing.
37:56Shrubbery and the big black tunnels.
37:57I guess that's the thing, isn't it?
37:59You've sort of got to keep your eyes out, because then...
38:01Fjord!
38:02Yeah.
38:03Here we go.
38:03Let's get...
38:04Let's see if we can see it.
38:04Let's gulp down some beauty.
38:06Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
38:07Oh, gone, yeah.
38:10Feels like a supermarket dash.
38:12Maybe it's like a philosophical lesson.
38:15Go on.
38:15Appreciate the view while it's there.
38:17Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
38:17Are your eyes eating it?
38:18Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
38:19I'm trying...
38:20Oh, it's gone.
38:22I'm trying to get the beauty in...
38:24Yeah.
38:24..in a sort of gluttonous way.
38:25Because I'm trying to enjoy the view, and in my ear,
38:27I can hear...
38:28Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
38:30Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
38:31It's sort of...
38:32..sort of undermine it.
38:33Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
38:37Here we are.
38:39Voss, baby.
38:40Look, a lovely hotel.
38:42Why can't we stay in a hotel in Voss?
38:44Because the reviews are too good.
38:45But not all reviewers think Voss is boss.
38:48Some of them are gross.
38:51One star.
38:52Voss is a small town with little interest in itself.
38:54I was bored.
38:56Hmm.
38:57There's a three star.
38:57This is more positive.
38:59I'd say there are plenty to do there.
39:01You just need to be creative.
39:03That's us.
39:04Yeah, we're creative.
39:05That is us, baby.
39:06Let's go show these mountains a good time.
39:10Voss is mainly a ski resort,
39:12but as it's summer and we've been banned
39:14from ever roller-skiing again,
39:16we're setting up camp by the lake
39:18to enjoy the Nordic concept of free Luftsliff,
39:21or open-air life.
39:24I mean, it is absolutely stunning.
39:27I can't hear anything, apart from us.
39:30Sometimes zero stars comes up in our favour.
39:32Yeah.
39:35It's overwhelmingly beautiful.
39:36I can't believe people got bored here.
39:39I don't think you need to do anything but sit and smell that air.
39:44I should have looked up whether Norway has snakes.
39:47Before we went camping.
39:48You say things like this as we approach the campsite.
39:53Right, so it's free roam, right to roam or whatever,
39:55so you can just camp anywhere?
39:56Yeah.
39:57So we can just sit by the beach then?
39:59Yeah, let's go down here.
40:01Are you sure it's legal, Sarah?
40:02I don't want to wake up with a feds round me.
40:04I don't want to wake up with a bear
40:06poking his head through.
40:07Oh, I'd love that.
40:08Would you?
40:08A cow, a bear, a horse.
40:10Yes, please.
40:11Yeah, all those big animals.
40:12Yeah, I like a big animal.
40:13If you know what I mean.
40:17Right, so I think tent is the most important thing
40:19to get up first.
40:21Do you think it's a pop-up or no?
40:22It's definitely not a pop-up.
40:23These are separate.
40:24OK.
40:25Woo!
40:26And I will not do this in Epsley.
40:28Oh, no.
40:28Women everywhere.
40:29Roche, we're doing this for women, I was about to say.
40:31I'm not doing it for women.
40:32Some women don't give a shit about camping,
40:35and that's me.
40:36OK.
40:37Right, how do you get in there, then, man?
40:40There's this, but there's no in.
40:42Yeah, that's what I thought.
40:42There could be a tube inside, normally.
40:45Camping is taking everything that you do in your normal life
40:47and going, make it more difficult so that when you get home
40:49you really appreciate having a toilet.
40:53OK.
40:54No, that's definitely...
40:55I've got it definitely in the wrong...
40:56Stop it!
40:57This is a silly...
40:58This is silly.
40:59Oh.
41:00Do you think the yellow one's supposed to go in the yellow one
41:01and the red one's supposed to go in the red one?
41:03I think that now.
41:03Yeah.
41:04Yeah.
41:06They're Norwegian.
41:07Don't mansplain us tent-making.
41:11Right.
41:12This goes in the end of a tube here.
41:14So this does go here.
41:16God damn, yeah.
41:17It's got...
41:17That's it!
41:18You got it!
41:19Yes!
41:19I got my fingers!
41:20You got in it!
41:24Yeah, you fucker.
41:26It's a lot of admin camping.
41:28That's the fun of it.
41:29That's why it's not like one style, nothing to do.
41:32You've got loads to do.
41:33Just survive.
41:34Yeah.
41:35You don't get this view from a hotel.
41:37This is nice, to be fair.
41:38It is nice.
41:39Our tent was up.
41:42Now, make flames.
41:44Oh, my God!
41:45Roisin, you made a fire!
41:47Yeah.
41:47Irish holidays.
41:50They didn't have a central heating in my nan's house.
41:52It was fires.
41:54It's very close to our seating area.
41:58I don't think you should put that on there.
42:00No, I'm not!
42:01I'm putting it here for you to sit on!
42:03Because they can enjoy the fire you made.
42:05Oh, my God.
42:05Because I'm a gentleman.
42:08My lady.
42:09We need to get our snacks.
42:10I think you have to run across really fast, like this.
42:12What do you need?
42:13Grab them all!
42:18Careful, it's very flamey.
42:20This is fun, isn't it?
42:21Yeah.
42:21I just thought of a pun.
42:22Do you want to hear it?
42:23Go on.
42:24Roast in, Conaty.
42:30The fire's lovely now, isn't it?
42:31Lovely and warm.
42:32Camping is a thing I don't love, but this has been actually very fun.
42:37I hate when I sort of enjoy things that I sort of am against.
42:41This is a lovely end to what has been a pretty amazing trip.
42:45Yeah.
42:45Did you like Bergen?
42:46Loved Bergen.
42:47I'm going to say something.
42:48It might be my favourite.
42:51Norway might be expensive, but I think our trip was good value.
42:55It doesn't cost anything to enjoy the scenery or hang out with teenagers in an empty car park.
43:01And most importantly, spend some quality time with a friend.
43:04Oh, no!
43:06You've got yourself in there.
43:07My review is four fjord banana peels out of five.
43:13Norway, I love you.
43:15Five stars.
43:16Absolutely wonderful place.
43:17That blue coat I bought in Bergen, I lost it.
43:19So I'm using this time to appeal for anyone to find that coat.
43:22I lost it in Wales.
43:23Or someone in Norway sent me another one.
43:24Look how nice it is on me.
43:25Five stars, Norway.
43:26Love you.
43:27Wow.
43:28You've got a long night ahead.
43:30Yeah.
43:30We need to tell scary stories or something.
43:33I was once camping with Roshini.
43:34We both caught fire.
43:36LAUGHTER
43:56We want to meet you.
44:04I'm out of here.
44:06Bye.
44:07Bye.
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