00:02Brace! Brace!
00:03I'm bracing!
00:12No, no, no, no, no!
00:18No!
00:23Ah!
00:25Fuck!
00:33APPLAUSE
00:35Hello!
00:36Hello, everyone!
00:38Hello!
00:40I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
00:43It's funny what counts as entertainment these days.
00:46We see people clamouring for true crime stories,
00:48and anyone can start a podcast and chat about socks or whatever,
00:52but what happened to the good old-fashioned tradition
00:54of humiliating people?
00:56As a young man, my father regularly pulled my trousers down
00:59at public events.
01:02And I always found it funny,
01:05even during the backlash at my grandmother's funeral.
01:09Can we please get back to wholesome fun?
01:12Can we?
01:12It's a complicated world, guys.
01:14Let's pull together.
01:15Let's identify the victims and all pile on.
01:18Boop, boop!
01:19Oh, here comes the victim train now!
01:20Please welcome,
01:23Frankie Boyle!
01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:26Ivo Graham!
01:28Jenny O'Claire!
01:30Payal Smith-Baino!
01:32And Mae Martin!
01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:36And next to me, a man who told me his father
01:39has only ever given him one Christmas present in his life,
01:42a beautifully wrapped piece of Welsh slate
01:44that had one solitary word engraved upon it.
01:47That word?
01:48Toad!
01:49LAUGHTER
01:51It's...
01:51Little Harry Toad!
01:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:54Hi, Dad.
01:56Hello, everyone.
01:58What have you got tonight?
02:00Well, I've invented a new feature for the show.
02:02Oh.
02:02It's called Taskmaster Karaoke.
02:05Yes.
02:05Yes.
02:06So all you've got to do is turn down the volume of your TVs
02:08and turn on the subtitles
02:11and then you can speak along with the show.
02:13I think you can do this with any TV show.
02:16I think it's a really good idea.
02:18It's really good.
02:19I don't know, it might be fun.
02:20It's a really good thing.
02:21It might be fun.
02:21It might catch on.
02:22I do it with the news.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:25And, er, is it all well with the world?
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30Shall we begin with the prize, Task?
02:32Yes.
02:32We have to, because that's the format.
02:34And we're simply the eye candy, Greg.
02:36Let's go.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:37This week they've been asked to bring in
02:39the best thing you take everywhere with you,
02:42but struggle to fit in your bag.
02:44Best ill-fitting thing wins five points
02:46and the best winner of the show
02:47takes them all home in a skip-sized bag, Greg.
02:51Right.
02:51First up, Frankie.
02:53It's a struggle because I do take it everywhere.
02:56This photograph of when I was doing a gig
02:58and my son wandered on stage to tell a joke.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:03He's six foot one now,
03:04but he had a uniquely penetrating voice as a child
03:08and I took him to the Scotland women's football game.
03:11The women's football, they all have their hair up in some fashion,
03:13it's all kind of scrunched up in some way,
03:14and he had a look around and he went,
03:16there's a lot of tight buns out there!
03:18LAUGHTER
03:22Quite the voice he had on him.
03:24Quite the voice.
03:25And he was going to tell a joke which,
03:27little did that crowd know,
03:28would have been an astonishing volume,
03:31but he didn't.
03:31I didn't let him.
03:32Do you know what the joke was that he had planned?
03:33He was simply going to say the word yellow.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:39How big is it?
03:40Doesn't look that big.
03:41Mmm, it's not that big, but I have quite a small bag.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:45Ivo, what did you bring in?
03:48I'm going to unusually follow Frankie down a sentimental route.
03:52I've had very few points for LOLs-based prize tasks,
03:56so here's some goddamn feeling.
03:58LAUGHTER
03:59You sound like a psychopath.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03I've brought in one of several puzzles that I do
04:06with my daughter, who is three.
04:08Here it is.
04:09My daughter and I will occasionally have to kill half an hour
04:13between nursery and ballet, for example.
04:16Nursery for her, ballet for you?
04:18That's exactly it.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:20Obviously, the box is an absolute faff,
04:22so what I've taken to doing is pouring out the pieces of the puzzle
04:25and while this is very useful for compact packing,
04:29it does mean that occasionally I've just got random pieces
04:31of dismembered horse just rolling around the bottom of my bag.
04:35I think I enjoy this. Thanks.
04:36OK. Jenny, what have you brought in that's massive
04:40and you carry around?
04:41I get very tired, Greg, I don't know about you.
04:43Oh, God.
04:44But, you know when you...
04:44You have no idea.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:46This time I just want to lie down.
04:49So, it's an inflatable bed.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:54It's a small double.
04:55It's a small double.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:58The fact that you carry a bed around with you is insane.
05:02Yes.
05:03Have you ever considered that that's maybe why you're tired?
05:06LAUGHTER
05:09David Schwimmer always sleeps in an inflatable bed.
05:12Even at home?
05:13Why does David Schwimmer sleep in an inflatable bed?
05:15It's a guess.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:19OK.
05:21Very good.
05:23Kyle?
05:24GD.
05:24Can you beat these three?
05:26Well, I mean, mine's the same as Jenny's.
05:29A folding chair.
05:31Do you carry a chair around with you, really?
05:33Occasionally.
05:34Yeah.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36I saw a make-up artist do it once, and I was like,
05:38that's sick.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:40Would it help if I told you that Matthew Perry always sits
05:42on a folding chair?
05:44LAUGHTER
05:44I think that's true.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:47One left.
05:48OK.
05:49It's up to you to save this.
05:50May?
05:51It's not going to happen.
05:53Whatever it is, I can't wait to hear about Jennifer Aniston using it.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:57What I bring around everywhere is a very fine...
06:02..whiskey.
06:03A very fine whisky.
06:05Yeah.
06:05Do continue.
06:06In a flask.
06:07Here it is.
06:08This is the reason I wish I'd gone before Frankie,
06:11because I also have a very small bag.
06:14And I have also, like, a really tiny wallet.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:26When Frankie said, oh, I've got a really small bag,
06:28you went, argh!
06:30Did you see my face?
06:31Yeah, it was exactly the same as Kael's face
06:33when Jenny brought out the bed, which is better than a chair.
06:36Yeah.
06:37How's a bed, bed and a chair?
06:38Bigger, better.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:40Wait, no.
06:41Yeah.
06:41Because you can sit down in public, right?
06:43Oh, yeah.
06:43I can lie down in public.
06:45I've got to do something.
06:46Why is your photograph of a child better than...
06:49..a bed, Frankie?
06:50Who gives a fuck?
06:54LAUGHTER
06:56LAUGHTER
06:59I mean, unbelievably.
07:00I'm going to give the bed five points.
07:01Yeah!
07:06Don't look at me, Kael.
07:07You don't even carry that...
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09You don't even carry that bloody thing anywhere.
07:12I mean, I do like that May made an effort.
07:15OK.
07:15You know, they put a joke together, but it's not a great one.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:20If you want to hear a good joke...
07:22YELLOW!
07:27Even though these prizes have been rubbish...
07:30Let's start the show on a high-scoring, uplifting...
07:34Why not?
07:35OK.
07:36Why not?
07:36Let's say Jenny gets five and everyone else gets four.
07:39Why not?
07:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:43Well done, everyone.
07:45We're off.
07:46Do you have a fruit-based task to start us off today, please?
07:49Would have thought so.
07:50Ready?
07:51And...
07:51make it a pitch.
08:04Ah.
08:05Hi.
08:06Hello.
08:07Welcome to the...club.
08:08Oh, thank you so much.
08:10Hello, Alex.
08:11Hmm.
08:11And you are?
08:13Ivo Graham ah yes your name is down you can come in you may not leave I mean I
08:20leave but you may go anywhere in that direction this is the opposite of when
08:24I go to clubs trapped in VIP not a bad life I'm getting an intense whiff of
08:31kind of sewage yeah anyway unless it's you
08:41pile the pineapples on the path pile the pineapples on the path you must not get
08:48wet most pineapples piled on the path wins you have 15 minutes your time starts now
09:01is the path that's the path that's a couple of pineapples how many pineapples
09:05mmm there's the big gold pineapple there's a real pineapple there's a little
09:11lampshade there's an inflatable pineapple I don't really know what's on the
09:16inflatable pineapple it's clearly a candy floss pineapple it's a candy floss
09:19pineapple and then well then there's a tin which I reckon has got some pineapples
09:25in correct chunks
09:32okay somebody bouncer let's see them retrieve some pineapples all right then our first
09:36two golden pineapple retrievers are Frankie and Kyle okay well that's a start a
09:42magnet's a start great that sort of made things worse
10:06that's bad wow you really don't want to get this near metal well let's look at it this way we've
10:14now anchored that successfully
10:43I've got to get some points of that oh
10:49I'm just throwing a log at a pineapple
10:57what's that made out of? pineapple
11:00this whole time you've watched me trying to get that magnet on a piece of rubber
11:05yeah maybe it's my technique that's wrong
11:13good for Destin's over here oh no no no look no it's gonna fall
11:18ah three minutes 40
11:25something's in the water gotcha
11:30one pineapple five to go five wait that one's floating down a bit 45 seconds Frankie
11:43I think he's bloody got it yes
11:51it was a slightly sad end
11:53hi Kyle
11:58ah
11:59great
12:12no good for you
12:15I'm glad
12:23quite an act of aggression there kicking that one plant pot over
12:26he knows what he's up to this is his life energy he hides those pineapples he'd be like
12:34did you not notice the pineapples or did you just not care I thought it was just they'd left him
12:39there to set up for the next contestant
12:41I don't think they were supposed to anger me anyway
12:45I don't think that we had to be on something that was magnetic I think that was bad choice
12:50I couldn't have enjoyed it more
12:53you've got twice as many pineapples as Frankie who got one
12:57if I had a good strategy for fishing rubbish out of some sewage what sort of person would I be
13:05that's very good
13:07it is the end of part one then and if you can hear your neighbors noisily making love instead of
13:12watching Taskmaster
13:13just think maybe they are watching Taskmaster
13:17maybe you're the one doing this wrong
13:29oh hello we're just in a minute for time for part two of Taskmaster
13:33phew yes we're in the thick of a pineapple retrieval task
13:37most pineapples piled up wins
13:38and we even put easy to retrieve ones around the corner for them
13:42much easier to get than the ones in the middle of the mill pond
13:44now for the attempts of Jenny and Ivo Ivo it's off to work he goes
13:53does that is that the longest it'll go
13:55yes it's it's not very good
13:57that's rubbish
14:01it's not long enough
14:04what does this do
14:12I don't think that's happening
14:30I've done it I've done a Taskmaster task
14:44five
14:46I can't just sort of rest on those laurels
14:50my trousers are falling down
14:53what's this going to do nothing nothing
15:04I can't even hear it anymore
15:09it's so far away
15:14if I had longer arms
15:16you just pick up the pineapple
15:21is it tethered?
15:22it might be
15:24use the scissors
15:30no
15:31I think standing in the wheelbarrow is a non-starter
15:38oh my god
15:40is she coming downstream?
15:44getting even one will be the triumph of the century
15:48come to mummy
15:49come to mummy
15:51oh no
15:53oh
15:54oh
15:54okay
15:55okay
15:56okay
15:57okay
15:59oh
15:59oh
16:01I'm getting a bit wet
16:02but like only magnet retrieval wet not falling off a wheelbarrow wet
16:10too far
16:14come on big boy
16:16come on big boy
16:17please
16:18please
16:1930 seconds
16:20please
16:23ah
16:23ah
16:24ah
16:24I don't want something
16:28where are my chunks?
16:33oh not more fucking pineapples
16:42how did Jenny do using her come to mummy long arms technique?
16:46that technique yielded zero pineapples
16:49but when you cut the thread that was tethering the pineapple
16:51she piled four pineapples
16:53not bad
16:54there were two little phrases that came involuntarily out of Ivo
16:58that I think will come to define him
17:00at first I thought it was this one
17:03please
17:04please
17:05please
17:05please
17:09the escalating pleases haunted me
17:12but in fact I think this one cancelled it out
17:15where are my chunks?
17:19I love where's my chunks
17:21I got where's my chunks tattooed on my shin
17:23I love where's my chunks
17:26I mean he got loads of chunks didn't he?
17:29yeah we've doubled each time
17:30one two four now
17:31nine
17:32nine
17:36one left
17:37one left
17:38of course
17:39it's May Martin
17:41are there any hidden pineapples?
17:43that's what I want to know
17:44like there must be
17:46hidden pineapples
17:52okay
17:54this is pretty good
18:00oh
18:02fuck
18:03no
18:04no
18:05no
18:06no
18:06no
18:06no
18:06no
18:06no
18:07no
18:10one pineapple
18:14oh
18:16pineapple I presume
18:19yeah
18:21I like doing a task like this where I'm just on my own
18:24and I don't have to deal with anyone else's uh
18:29ideas
18:30you don't miss your teammates
18:33no
18:33no
18:34no
18:34yeah
18:37can I have some help?
18:39yeah
18:39thank you
18:41oh yeah
18:42oh what is that?
18:45there's a pineapple in there
18:48five pineapples
18:49five pineapples
18:49oh
18:50okay
18:51now I'm looking for hidden pineapples
18:53all right you've got five minutes ten seconds
19:08do you have a pen and paper?
19:11yeah
19:1713 pineapples there
19:18mm-hmm
19:23I lost your pen
19:24yeah that was my pen
19:26okay you're done mate
19:27oh no
19:28right
19:29you owe me a pen
19:30I owe you a pen
19:32sorry
19:35oh no
19:45I just want to remind you that Frankie has argued with such passion that the word banana written on a
19:52card constitutes a banana
19:54and I will argue that again
19:56a drawing of a pineapple can be called a pineapple
20:00hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
20:03Kyle wherever you go I'm ready to follow
20:10you did very well
20:11um
20:11bringing the prepared pineapples out
20:14it's just whether I allow the drawn pineapples isn't it
20:16well it's not
20:17it's not a question
20:19there are several pineapple effigies involved here that aren't really pineapples
20:24they're a bit more real than those drawings
20:27but all words and images are metaphors for the things they represent
20:36in no other environment does that sentence get whoops and cheese
20:41I think most pineapples look more like the pineapple than the candy floss pineapple as well
20:46yeah
20:46yeah
20:47that you designed for the show that's your show and we're trying to do our best on
20:50in a conventional fashion
20:53also
20:54I've got something else as well
20:56go on some weird reverie about how you like being on your own because your teammates just ruin it for
21:01you
21:01and then immediately saying to Alex can you help me get this pineapple out of the water
21:06pathetic
21:07I am going to allow the drawn pineapples
21:09what
21:13what cause of the banana?
21:15no cause of the nature of language man
21:18so we're allowing the pineapples are we?
21:20I'm afraid we are
21:21fuck's sake
21:24okay well Frankie well done you get one point
21:26two to Kael
21:27three to Jenny
21:28four to Ivo
21:29and five to May Martin
21:30CHEERING
21:34scoreboard time
21:35in this episode it's tight
21:36Frankie on the bottom with five
21:38May Martin's in the lead with nine points
21:40here we are
21:40APPLAUSE
21:44do you have a really good touch standing by Alex?
21:47let's have a look
21:47yes
21:48I think this one's probably okay
21:51LAUGHTER
22:02May
22:03hi
22:04hiya
22:04Frankie
22:05oh
22:06brolly mad in here
22:08barrel full of brollies
22:11before
22:12you do that
22:12pick an umbrella
22:14any umbrella
22:18Tartu
22:18a classic
22:21simple black
22:22oh god
22:24oh dear
22:25I know that a lot will depend on this
22:26I'm going to go big bugger
22:32very nice
22:34repurpose this umbrella and demonstrate its new purpose
22:37most inventive repurposing of an umbrella wins
22:40you have 20 minutes
22:41and that's yours to do what you want with
22:43they were all going to be discarded
22:45these are the rescue umbrellas
22:47they are rescue umbrellas
22:48we're doing our bit
22:49I hate my umbrella
22:52there's a punch
22:53one
22:53i
22:53i
22:53i
23:09ook
23:20i
23:20he
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