00:04AHHHHH!
00:05AHHHHH!
00:05Good evening.
00:08AHHHHH!
00:10AHHHHH!
00:12AHHHHH!
00:13We trained at RADA.
00:15What if I created?
00:18And we laughed.
00:21AHHHHH!
00:34AHHHHH!
00:34Hello, everybody.
00:36I'm Greg Davis and this is Taskmaster.
00:38I hope you don't mind, but I thought I'd take this opportunity
00:40to quickly answer some of the questions
00:42from members of the public.
00:44Here we go.
00:45Do I watch the show back? No.
00:47My physical decline is deeply upsetting to me.
00:49Do I wear those socks by choice?
00:52No, I don't. It's a novelty format
00:53point forced upon me by those more excited
00:56by contrived, broad eccentricity.
00:58Is Alex actually tall?
01:00No, he's just over five foot.
01:03Why do I keep insulting him?
01:05Because he's had a soft upbringing
01:06and it has made him weak.
01:08Now, questions over.
01:10Let's ask some more pertinent ones.
01:13Who are the five chosen ones
01:15who will dance through the fire
01:16of Olympic level endurance this week?
01:18Well, I'll tell you.
01:19They are.
01:20Julian Clary!
01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:23Lucy Beaumont!
01:25Sam Campbell!
01:27Sue Patti!
01:29And Susan Wakona!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:34And sitting next to me, a man who once privately told me
01:37that if it was up to him, Scotland would be physically
01:40sawn off from the UK and floated into the North Sea.
01:44To quote him, we'll soon find out how much they want independence
01:47when all they've got to eat is shortbread.
01:51It's...
01:51Little Alex Hall!
01:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:57Well, I'm very busy at the moment.
01:58Phew!
02:00Guy got asked to do the Christmas lights in Chesham where I live.
02:03Oh, yeah?
02:03Yeah!
02:04Put them up.
02:05Put them up.
02:06Store them in my spare room where I was sleeping,
02:09so I'm now in the living room.
02:11And Russell Grant's turning them on.
02:13Good.
02:14OK, let's move on to the prize task.
02:15Yes, please.
02:16I'm on it, you big bad boy.
02:18And today you've...
02:19LAUGHTER
02:19..you've asked them to bring in the best sign.
02:22The best sign will get five points
02:23and the winner of the episode will take home five signs
02:25and that's me signing off.
02:27Susan, welcome back to the show.
02:28Hello.
02:29Have you got a great sign?
02:31It's the sign...
02:33Of...
02:33..of...
02:33..Cock Pond Clapham Common!
02:35Here it is.
02:36Ooh!
02:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:40A few years ago I was like,
02:41oh, I was born in London but I don't really know London.
02:44So then I started going on London walks,
02:46which is when you wake up really early on a Sunday
02:49and you follow normally a jaded actor around bits of London
02:54and there is a walking tour where you go and look at dirty signs
03:00around London and this is one of my favourites
03:03because I'm a child, apparently.
03:05Yeah.
03:05Yeah.
03:06I like Cock Pond.
03:07Thanks.
03:08You can quote me on that.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:12Sue, pot and full of cocks, can you beat it?
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16This is a sign from a well-known and beloved broadcasting institution.
03:20Here's Sue's sign.
03:22Do you remember that the BBC sold the BBC television studios?
03:26I do remember.
03:27Yeah, it was a terrible dark day.
03:28Terrible decision.
03:28And I filmed the last pilot in there.
03:31OK.
03:32On the day that it was shut down.
03:33Yeah.
03:33When we came out, it was like the end of the...
03:35It was like the end of days.
03:37It was...
03:37People were just pulling down signs, pocketing treasures.
03:41They were basically asset-stripping the BBC from the inside out.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:46And I thought, this is awful and I can't...
03:48I...
03:49And I just saw the signs and then Claudia Winkleman said,
03:53I'll give you a bunk-up.
03:54And so...
03:55She gave me a...
03:56She gave me a boost, ripped them off the wall,
03:59she took a stage door one, popped it down and off we trundled.
04:03I mean, to be honest, Sue,
04:04Winkleman's got Petty Thief written all over her.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:06It's a great prize.
04:07It might get you a few points.
04:09OK.
04:09Sam.
04:10Let me take you away from this, um, studio.
04:13We're at the British...
04:14The Great British Library.
04:15Wow.
04:17Have you nicked that?
04:19Yeah.
04:19I mean, it's fairly irresponsible.
04:21You could...
04:21How good is it, though?
04:22Oh, it's great, sorry.
04:24Please take care.
04:25Piazza Slippery.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27It sounds like a European spy.
04:29Is it?
04:29Be careful, Piazza Slippery.
04:31Yeah, yeah.
04:32This is a very slippery mission.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:35Lucy, what have you bought it?
04:37I've brought, um...
04:38I've brought, um, a pub sign.
04:40OK.
04:41For, um, a home pub.
04:44Whose pub was it?
04:46Um, ours, mine.
04:47Your one and your husband's?
04:49And his husband's, yeah.
04:50It's a pub sign.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:53I think it's got a warm feeling to it.
04:56Is there a landlord or a landlady at the Dog & Bastard?
04:59Me.
05:00Well, it's nice, cos if you do get drunk,
05:02sometimes you forget you're not in a real pub,
05:04and then...
05:05Like, there was one time I went to bring a taxi
05:07and someone had to say,
05:08you're next to your house.
05:10You don't...
05:11It's your pub.
05:12Yeah.
05:13It's a good sign.
05:14OK. Julian.
05:14Oh, I think you'll like this.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17It's very endearing.
05:19It's a sign that I saw in the green room
05:21when I was at the Hull Literary Festival.
05:24A highbrow sign?
05:25Mm.
05:25You're in good company.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:27What's your sign?
05:29LAUGHTER
05:32It's an unpretentious event.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:38Did you actually steal this?
05:39No, I couldn't, cos the artist wouldn't have known where to eat.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44Jesus Christ, that is low-run, isn't it?
05:47I'm going to do this based on which signs I'd like to take home the most.
05:51OK.
05:51I personally wouldn't want two post-its.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55Well, I did laugh, so it seems really cruel,
05:57but I'm going to give Julian one point. Sorry, Julian.
05:59OK, one point to Julian.
06:00Oh, I understand.
06:01I don't want to take your pub sign,
06:03because I think it belongs on your pub.
06:05No, I've brought it!
06:06LAUGHTER
06:06Two points.
06:07Two points to him.
06:08Three points to Sam.
06:09Well done, Sam.
06:10I genuinely want that BBC sign,
06:12so I'm giving that five points,
06:13and unbelievably, I'm giving Cockpond four.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17There we are.
06:17There we are.
06:18So, five to two questions.
06:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:22Here we go.
06:23Do you have something special lined up?
06:25Oh, I do.
06:26In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's legendary.
06:44MUSIC PLAYS
06:46Oh!
06:47Huh.
06:48Look at that.
06:49How's it going?
06:50Yeah, pretty good.
06:52What have you brought?
06:54James Bond would never go on a mission
06:56without his favourite gadgets.
06:58I've never seen him bringing a tape measure to a mission.
07:01You only measure twice.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:04This is my Excalibur moment.
07:06Maybe.
07:07Oh!
07:08I'm actually quite good with the sword.
07:10Why?
07:10Oh, cos I went to drama school.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:13I mean, no surprise, it's the first line.
07:16Pull the sword from the stone.
07:18Many have tried.
07:19You may not force the sword or break the stone.
07:22The champion is the one who releases the sword fastest.
07:26Your time starts...
07:30..now.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33Can I have the sword, please?
07:36Go on, give me the sword.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:39This is amazing.
07:41I feel like I'm in Dubai.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:46APPLAUSE
07:47I'm sure the rulers of Dubai will be thrilled.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52That comparison.
07:54Um, Susan, you seem a little apologetic about the fact
07:56that you went to drama school.
07:57Yeah.
07:59LAUGHTER
07:59Is it a sort of embarrassment for you?
08:01No, no, no, no, no.
08:02I'm in enough debt because of it.
08:03No, it's absolutely fine.
08:05Yeah.
08:05Well, it really pays off.
08:06We can tell from your performance of the Arthurian-sounding,
08:11er...
08:11Can I have the sword, please?
08:13LAUGHTER
08:13Well, let's have a look.
08:14OK, then.
08:15And we're going to begin with Loose B and Sue P.
08:17Here we go.
08:18I mean, for form's sake.
08:20Urgh!
08:22It doesn't come on.
08:23No, it's a magic sword.
08:25So, something releases the sword.
08:27Well, could it be Lucy?
08:30BUZZER
08:30BUZZER
08:30Beaumont.
08:31BUZZER
08:32So, clues.
08:33Well, I love an old...
08:35Oh, my God!
08:35Yes!
08:36Join the Women's Institute, darling daughter.
08:3899-0...
08:401000B.
08:41That's just plain gibberish.
08:44None of it makes sense.
08:45I like it when I just get to run around.
08:48You can run around.
08:49It won't do anything, will it?
08:51Can I ring somebody?
08:52Could I ring the Women's Institute?
08:56Let's hunt further.
08:58Thank you for calling the NFWI.
09:01The Constitution-related inquiry.
09:04I think it's that one.
09:05I think it's the Constitution inquiry.
09:09BUZZER
09:10Welcome to the messaging office.
09:11Oh, God!
09:13Alex, would you pour this cracker for me?
09:15Oh, I'd love to.
09:16Thanks, darling.
09:17One, two, three.
09:18Yay!
09:19BUZZER
09:20Which comedian knows how to make their hair smarts?
09:24None of them.
09:26Is this relevant?
09:28What?
09:29Look at...
09:30Ooh!
09:30There's a cross.
09:32I don't even know what part of the world that is.
09:35Is that Africa?
09:36No.
09:36Is it Australia?
09:37No.
09:38America?
09:39No.
09:39Europe?
09:39It's somewhere in Europe.
09:40I don't think I can tell you much more than that.
09:42He's got an U.
09:43Wait a minute.
09:45I've seen little letters.
09:48France?
09:48No.
09:49Netherlands?
09:50Uh-uh.
09:50Moldova?
09:51No.
09:51Croatia?
09:52Ah, no.
09:53Is it the UK?
09:55There's an E.
09:56There's an I.
09:57I feel like I'm in James Bond.
09:59No, it don't count it.
10:01Really?
10:02Cornwall.
10:02Devon.
10:03Devon!
10:06Devon!
10:08BUZZER
10:08Don't make you say anything, Sue.
10:10I've got a D.
10:11A D.
10:12W.
10:12U.
10:12I.
10:13E.
10:14C.
10:14N.
10:15Bed.
10:16Wuh-wee-muh-bay.
10:18E.
10:19E-wadi.
10:20E-wadi-wadi.
10:22Bed.
10:22Wuh-wee-muh-bay.
10:35T.
10:37E-waux.
10:37E-wadi-wadi.
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