- 32 minutes ago
The Young Offenders S05E03 [Full Movie] [Full Story]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:01There was an old wise man who I met in prison.
00:03Well, he couldn't be that wise because he was in prison.
00:06But he warned me that the hardest thing about being locked up
00:08isn't the thought of where you are, it's the thought of where you're not.
00:12It's knowing that life outside is continuing on without you.
00:15And that the girl of your dreams is now the girl of some other prick's dreams.
00:19Linda is getting married to Gavin fucking Madigan.
00:23But, after a lot of soul searching, I decided that I was going to be the bigger man.
00:27For better or worse, she was going to stay completely loyal and faithful to him
00:32for the rest of their entire life.
00:39Easy, mate. Looking good, kid.
00:42I hope that the lashes ran on the way to the waiting.
00:44And that the whole place is flooded.
00:46Oh, yeah, well, I see what you're saying.
00:48And then Gavin's driving along and his tire hits a puddle,
00:51and he aqua plays, and he crashes,
00:53and he's paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life,
00:55and he's to talk using one of those machines.
00:57Oh, I'm Gavin Madigan.
00:59It is nice to meet you.
01:01Jesus, buddy.
01:03Is that a little bit dark, no?
01:04Oh, sorry.
01:05I thought that was the direction we were going.
01:07I hope he doesn't die, like, just gets bruised up a bit.
01:10You can throw the suits on.
01:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:11Oh, look at you. Don't you look lovely?
01:19Oh, I need a hook.
01:20Oh, what's this?
01:23Oh, Connor, for God's sake.
01:24They must have forgotten to take the tag off in the shop.
01:28We bothered him.
01:29You're on probation.
01:30Do you want to go back to jail?
01:31No.
01:34What do we do?
01:35Go on, get the good scissors quickly.
01:41There.
01:42Do you think it's a good idea you go into this wedding today?
01:45Linda invited me, like, so...
01:46Look, hon, I know this is hard to hear, but...
01:49You will find your someone.
01:51Or if I've already found my someone, but I'm not her someone.
01:59What's this, stolen goods?
02:01Jesus Christ, Tony, can you not be a guard for one day in your life?
02:04Mom and Healy were in that phase of their relationship all couples go through.
02:08Oh, I'll just go and see the Noel's soul, eh?
02:09The hating each other phase.
02:11Do you know what?
02:11That would be lovely.
02:12Because he probably wouldn't even recognise you at the moment.
02:14Healy was working a lot of triple overtime to pay for nappies and nipple cream.
02:18Alright, I'll just turn a blind eye to whatever it is I'm supposed to be turning a blind eye to.
02:22So will I?
02:23Jesus Christ.
02:24But deep down, love was still in the air.
02:26Wanker.
02:29Try that.
02:33Marie.
02:34Thanks, Leigh's bag.
02:35No, no, no.
02:36Claire, sit down for a second.
02:39What?
02:40Nothing.
02:48Is it noticeable?
02:49Eh, you'd have to be really looking for it.
02:52Yeah, they're after leaving the security tag on the blazer.
02:55Oh, God's sake.
02:56They have to doing the same to mine, Jack.
02:58They have to do something else, no.
03:00Hand it over, Jack.
03:01Thanks for being in my hand.
03:02Sure.
03:03Here, I've got to head over to Siobhan's there.
03:05I want to see Starr in the flower girl costume.
03:08Is this one of your unsupervised access days?
03:10No, but something tells me Siobhan won't be ringing her solicitor today.
03:15Well, you know what they say about weddings.
03:17No.
03:18What do they make women horny, like?
03:22It seems like they do nothing for me.
03:23Oh, fierce horny, Marie.
03:25Yeah.
03:26If I'm going to get back with Siobhan, this is my big chance, like.
03:28So, so wish me luck, yeah?
03:29All right, Jack.
03:30Go ahead.
03:30Good luck.
03:31Thanks.
03:32It's a randy day.
03:42Oh.
03:50Morning, girl.
03:56Morning.
03:58Jeez.
03:59You need to go.
04:00Now.
04:01The trousers.
04:02I have them.
04:03I have them.
04:04That's great.
04:06Shit.
04:07You can't go down there.
04:08You have to go to the window.
04:09The window?
04:10Yeah.
04:11Are you having that?
04:13Baby, what's wrong?
04:14I'm going.
04:15I'm going.
04:15Okay, I'm going.
04:17Just go.
04:19I'm going.
04:20I'm going.
04:24Shit.
04:26Handsome Dan, the painter man.
04:28Yeah, boy, I'm telling you.
04:29Are you sure?
04:30What do you mean, boy?
04:31Should I know his arse as well as I know my own face?
04:34Handsome once posed for an ad for hemorrhoid cream.
04:37The billboard company went bust, which meant the poster stayed up for three years
04:41and became one of Cork's biggest tourist attractions.
04:44Fair play to her, Lee.
04:45What are you on about, Con?
04:46His name is Handsome Dan, Jack.
04:49She's gorgeous.
04:50You're not getting what I'm telling you.
04:52If she's shagging Handsome Dan the night before her wedding.
04:55It means she obviously doesn't want to marry Gavin Madigan.
04:57It's a proxy ride.
04:59A proxy ride?
05:00A proxy ride, okay?
05:02Yeah, sure.
05:03She might have gotten up and down.
05:05But she was thinking about you by the whole time.
05:07Wait.
05:08Sure.
05:11She's thinking about me.
05:12Yes, you, boy.
05:13She's still in love with you.
05:15This was going to be my last chance to win Linda back.
05:18And what's more of a romantic place to do it than a wedding.
05:21Her wedding.
05:22Half a sausage just left your fork there, aren't I?
05:25Right.
05:25This sausage is going to sort me out now.
05:28She's sick.
05:29I'm done.
05:30Bart, take it away from me.
05:31Whoa.
05:33Why'd you have that?
05:35To take her Auntie Linda into her dress.
05:37Don't want her tits spilling over when she's saying her I do's.
05:39Okay, girls.
05:4040 minutes and we head to the church, yeah?
05:41But we're not going to the church, remember?
05:44You know what I mean.
05:44It's a great idea Gavin's to have the wedding in the place where you two first met.
05:48He's too tight to spend his own money is what he's saying.
05:50Well, I think it's mad romantic.
05:52Let's try and get him even.
05:55I don't want one for mine.
05:56The other one in Charleville.
06:01Where are you?
06:02It's in there?
06:05Where are you?
06:06Time to enter!
06:19You're alright there, lads, yeah?
06:21I don't know, I have a question for you.
06:24Connor has a question.
06:26Yeah, Connor has a...
06:28I just want to ask, did you have sex with Linda Walsh last night at the inn?
06:32Yeah, mind now, lads.
06:33Know yourselves, a gentleman never tells.
06:36Yeah, but if you did sleep with her,
06:38I just want you to know she was probably thinking of someone else the whole time.
06:41Yeah.
06:42Now that you say it, she actually did keep shouting out some other lads name the whole night.
06:46Well, you should have heard her. She was all...
06:49Oh!
06:50Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:52Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:54Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:56Look, whatever happened between you and Linda, all right?
06:58She didn't know for kind, all right?
07:00And now she's gonna marry some other fella.
07:02All right, cool.
07:03So what's with me, lads?
07:04We want you to come to the wedding and tell Gavin Madigan that you slept with Linda.
07:08What, and humiliate her?
07:09Yeah?
07:09Yeah.
07:09It's one of all of her friends and family?
07:11Yeah, if you don't mind.
07:13Do we, we should be ashamed of ourselves?
07:14Yeah.
07:15The answer's no.
07:16Get lost.
07:18I hate to admit it, but maybe Hanson was right.
07:21He was more than just a six pack and a cute arse.
07:25Come on, wedding guests, please.
07:26We see you in the assembly hall.
07:29I'm happy to get married at school.
07:32Cheapest thing I've ever heard in my life.
07:33It's all garb of a matter.
07:35It was time to bow out grace, William.
07:41So the better man won in the end, huh?
07:42It's not a competition, Lee.
07:44Of course it was a competition.
07:45And I wiped your eye for you.
07:49A wedding doesn't count if it's in a school.
07:52I think that's actually true, you know.
07:54Would you look at the state of them?
07:58Would you stop being such a snob?
08:00It's amazing what you can find in a charity shop if you're not fussy.
08:05One sec.
08:08Or I'll make your eye.
08:13Siobhan would like you to sit next to her for the mass.
08:15Really?
08:17What about...
08:18Don't mind what Barry thinks.
08:20As Linda said, your star is daddy.
08:23Which makes you family.
08:25Yeah.
08:26Aw, thanks.
08:27Man.
08:27Alright, con.
08:29A smile wouldn't kill you.
08:31I told you.
08:32Horny to hear.
08:39The rumour is this could be Father Rooney's last mass.
08:43Supposed to be going through a crisis of faith.
08:46Yeah.
08:47Everything alright, Linda?
08:48Yeah.
08:49You're not thinking of jilting him at the altar, are you?
08:52It's just, you know, the reception's after costing me a fortune.
08:54Dad!
08:55It was a joke.
08:59He's a good man, Linda.
09:01Solid, you know.
09:03And the best thing about marrying a teacher, as your mother knows well,
09:06you can't be sacked.
09:07No matter how bad you are at your job.
09:10You know the way you love them spring rolls from the paddy field above at Bishopstone?
09:14Yeah.
09:15There's nothing wrong with not wanting those spring rolls every night for the rest of your life.
09:19What?
09:20You've lost us.
09:21Last night?
09:22You fancied the spring rolls from Walk This Way in Tokar.
09:25And there's no shame in that.
09:28I'm gonna be sick.
09:30I'm gonna get sick.
09:36Siobhan, the caterer said the money is non-refundable.
09:39Piss off, guys!
09:41I'm good.
09:42I'm good.
09:44I'm fine.
09:46I'm fine.
09:47I'm fine.
09:48I'm fine.
10:00I'm fine.
10:23I'm fine.
10:30I'm fine.
10:31I'm fine.
10:32I think we're gonna have to cancel this wedding.
10:34And how do you suppose we do that, Billy?
10:36We suppose we could drag Handsome Diamond here and he can confess in front of the whole congregation.
10:41I tried that.
10:41He said no.
10:42I asked.
10:42That's your big mistake.
10:44You asked him.
10:46Are you okay?
10:48No, Billy.
10:49I'm really sad.
10:50Okay.
10:52God, he is so intense.
10:55It's just not my heart gathering's feelings.
10:57That's the worst reason to get married.
11:00Especially when it's stopping you from getting what your heart really wants.
11:02He's a good person, Siobhan.
11:04If he's a good person, he'll understand that you want to go back to your first love.
11:10You heard what that said.
11:12Everything's paid for now.
11:14Sir?
11:15You ready to be a flower girl?
11:17Yay!
11:28Hiya.
11:31You would have been on time if you hadn't stopped at every orange light.
11:35I'm on time.
11:36We're here before the bride.
11:37Oh yeah, thanks to you.
11:39I can't believe you got overtaken by a mobility scooter.
11:42Could you maybe stop him crying?
11:44Oh, will I switch him to flight mode, will I?
11:45Just take him outside.
11:47Oh, maybe you should take him outside.
11:48Oh, Jesus.
11:58Can you pop?
12:00Please, what do you-?
12:01Look, I'm not going to hurt you.
12:03Fingers crossed.
12:04I'm just going to bring you to this wedding and you're going to tell everyone how you rode the bride
12:08last night.
12:09All right, just mind my ass going in as the money maker, all right?
12:12All right?
12:13All right.
12:13You're not claustrophobic, yeah?
12:15No.
12:15No?
12:16You might be after this.
12:18No, no, no, no.
12:20Do you notice they all have the same tash?
12:23Yeah.
12:24They're like the three musketeers.
12:26Except there's four of them always going.
12:31Can we have a quick chat?
12:33A quick chat?
12:35A couple of words?
12:36No.
12:38Somewhere in private.
12:51Listen.
12:55I want to say I'm sorry.
12:58For being such an asshole to you just now.
13:01Is this some sort of joke, like?
13:02I was standing on the altar, and it dawned on me that I should be thanking you.
13:09For why?
13:11Because you'll be something I'll never be.
13:14It's Linda's first love.
13:17And you know, she said to me, she wouldn't have fell in love with me if you didn't teach her
13:22to love in the first place.
13:24Linda, Linda said that?
13:27Would you do me a favor?
13:31Linda, would you do the readings for us?
13:35I know it would mean a lot to Linda.
13:42Garvin, the whole thing.
13:46For the second time that day, I realized that humiliating Linda in front of her family and friends might not
13:52be the right thing to do.
13:53Billy, I changed my mind.
13:56Crank.
13:58Careful now, I don't want to hurt you.
14:00Whoa, here we go.
14:03I tell you something, you're going to get your steps in today.
14:17That's a really long car.
14:22What's that about?
14:23It's great.
14:25She's here.
14:28Where'd you go?
14:29It's gonna be okay.
14:30Here.
14:33Oh, Jesus Christ.
14:45And remember, the least any of us deserve is to be happy.
14:48Thanks, Ron.
14:53Come on.
15:04Are they going to a community like this?
15:07No.
15:08What?
15:08Wait.
15:10I'm hungry.
15:11First love's day with you forever, forever, forever.
15:15First love's day with you forever, forever, and ever.
15:17Oh, this is so great.
15:19Rumpied like an earthly dreamer forever, and ever.
15:23First love's day with you forever, forever, and ever.
15:35The way to school I tried to meet you
15:40Your father used to drop you off
15:44You'd step out of red car, Gina
15:49You looked so pretty on those winter mornings
15:53First love stands with you forever
15:57I know you're not used to me giving you advice
16:01But you found your someone
16:04I don't want you to mess it up
16:06You should go get him
16:13Not now
16:15Go after him
16:18We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of
16:21Gavin Madigan, Linda Walsh
16:25Yeah, first reading
16:26Who is for the first reading
16:31First reading, thank you
16:33Connor
16:34Is it Connor?
16:36Are we Connor?
16:37Are you the first reading?
16:39Yeah, I know
16:40And then
16:41Come on
16:42Come on
16:43What's yours?
16:44There he is, I have a record
16:45Yeah
16:46I have a good head
16:47Yeah
16:47Okay
16:50What's it?
16:51Yeah
16:52Hurry, I'm not going to read the whole thing
16:59Okay
17:01Hey, Linda said you have a Mickey on your second pocket of Rolos
17:10And can you please get a move on, I'm playing golf at three
17:13Public speaking isn't my strong point
17:15But I was going to nail this
17:16For Linda
17:17The first reading
17:20A reading from a book of
17:22Or sorry, the book
17:24What's wrong with you?
17:25Come on, guy
17:26You can't read, is it?
17:27I can read
17:28I'm just a bit dyslexy
17:29Or just make it up and say anything
17:34Do I speak
17:35With the tongues of men
17:38And of angels
17:40Angels
17:41Oh, eh
17:42Ain
17:42Dash
17:43Angels
17:45But have not love
17:47I have become
17:50Brass
17:52And a resounding
17:54Gong
17:54Resounding gong, alright
18:07I'm sorry
18:08I wanted to be happy for Linda
18:10But I can get a bit hormonal at weddings
18:12And I have the tendency to mess with my decision-making process
18:15But fuck it
18:16Back to the old plan
18:24Connor
18:24Billy
18:26I changed my mind again
18:27Okay
18:29Operation Handsome Hand Grenade is a go-go
18:33Every other hour that I spend with you is not the least
18:36It's sad
18:38Why is the opposite impact?
18:40And if you don't believe me, here's the proof
18:41Ask me if I
18:43And they'll say I
18:44What?
18:44I do
18:45Dan, Dan, Dan
18:47Change your plan
18:48Mind your head
18:51And now before Gavin and Linda make their solemn commitment to each other
18:54They've written their own vows
18:56Which they're now going to recite to each other
19:00The mind of my phone
19:01Brilliant
19:04Shit
19:04What?
19:05It's asking for a software update
19:07I'm after saying yes
19:09Why don't you just print them out?
19:11I don't know
19:11You're the only one always saying we're living in a paperless world
19:15Do you not like, I don't know, remember them?
19:19Three guesses as to who's singing this
19:21I don't know
19:22No
19:23Your man
19:24No
19:25Go on, have another guess
19:27Is it Daniel actually?
19:28Gilbert O'Sullivan
19:29He's actually from Waterford
19:32What could it be?
19:34Woo
19:34That's matrimony
19:39Won't take long
19:40Look, it's initializing
19:46Where's Billy?
19:49Look at this prick with ears
19:52There's nobody on the road
19:56Look, come here
19:57I've got somewhere I've got to be
19:59Chop, chop
20:00Sorry, lad
20:01I'm only messing with you
20:02Go on
20:02Go ahead
20:03In your own time
20:09I'm sorry about this
20:10It took me hours to ride him
20:13And there's a little bit of something in there for everyone
20:16Cries
20:17Laughters
20:18Zero care chases, sir
20:20Well, we're all on tender hooks, I'm sure
20:22It's 80%
20:24You'll be caught in the cake when we get there
20:26Shut up, you
20:29Steve McQueen
20:30Fuck
20:31All right
20:32Tell your therapist
20:33I say hello
20:35What's happening, Shakespeare?
20:37It's the wheel of death
20:38I think it's frozen
20:39We're going to leave the vows
20:41Well, that's ruined everyone's day, I'm sure
20:44Right, let's zip through this
20:45Right, Gavin, Jimmy, Barry, Madigan
20:48When do you take Linda Anastasia Walsh
20:50To be your lawfully wedded wife
20:51Sickness and health
20:52Up and down
20:53Deathly apart
20:53I do
20:54Great
20:54Linda, do you take Gavin
20:55Lawfully wedded husband
20:56Sickness and health
20:57Rest your days
20:58I
21:03Uh, I
21:05Say yes
21:08What did she grab her stick?
21:12When I saw Linda's face
21:14I realised the desperate lengths
21:15That love had driven me to
21:17Oh, mother of God
21:19Who's this now?
21:20It's Dan Fogarty
21:22He's a good-looking fella, isn't he?
21:25Yeah, and he's got something to tell you
21:27Wait, wait, wait, wait
21:32Dan, you can go home
21:34Yeah
21:34But I brought him for you, God
21:36Are you the fella from the poster?
21:37What is he doing here?
21:39He had sex with the bride last night
21:41He what?
21:43Fuck
21:45No, he didn't
21:46Sure, how could he?
21:48He was with me
21:49All night
21:51God, playing cards
21:52Like, there
21:54You don't have to lie for me, Con
21:57I'm so sorry, Gavin
21:59Was it the full ride?
22:01Because I'm over the braction
22:02I can forgive
22:03I don't want your forgiveness
22:06I don't want to marry you
22:11I thought I did
22:13But then I realised I wasn't being true to myself
22:15And what I want more than anything in this whole world
22:19Is to be with my first true love
22:24You're not talking about that fucking lang ball, are you?
22:28Dolphins
22:30Dolphins?
22:31Yeah
22:32I want to go to UCC and study marine science
22:35How are you going to say me there, Linda?
22:37Then I'm going to work with an NGO and clear all the plastic from the Pacific Ocean
22:41You really thought you were going to say me?
22:42I'm sorry
22:44To both of you
22:46But you're holding me back
22:48Did anyone else think she was going to say me?
22:50Ah, right
22:51Well, I'm teeing off at 3.30
22:53Good luck
22:56Sorry
22:58Are you sure, young?
23:00Well
23:02It's the software update finished
23:05You shouldn't even worry about the nice things that I had to say
23:07Because
23:09It'd be wasted on someone like you
23:13They were all wrote by ChatGPT anyway
23:23Hey
23:31Look, I know you've been working really hard
23:32Yeah, to provide for our child's future
23:34I know, but I'm saying you don't have to
23:37I've already raised a son
23:38I did it by myself
23:39Without a penny to my name
23:40He turned out all right, didn't he?
23:42Yeah, is that the one who's just done three years in prison?
23:44Eh, that's a fair point
23:48Look, all I'm saying is
23:49What kind of future is our little boy going to have
23:51If his mother and father are strangers to each other?
23:55Yeah, I suppose it is a bit early to start thinking about which college to send him to
24:01Keep him alive, show him love, that's the job
24:04Everything else you just make up as you go along
24:14Are we going to this wedding then?
24:16Oh, the wedding's off
24:18It's off?
24:19Long story
24:22Maybe you and me could go home while he's asleep
24:27Guess it's true what they say about weddings
24:40Ah, this is your fucking fault
24:41Oh yeah, it was my fault
24:43You're the one that told Billy to put an answer to the church
24:45To the church?
24:45Boy, that's hardly a church
24:46You were too stingy to afford a real win
24:48Ah, she was out of your league anyway
24:51I love you enough
24:52I love you more
24:58Out of his league, is it?
24:59Well, it's true
25:00Hasn't he got a good job and isn't a permanent and pensionable?
25:03We pay for half of this wedding, all right?
25:04Oh, and you can sing for us
25:06Oh, yeah
25:06Claddle him back
25:08Oh, being married to a school teacher isn't the end of everyone's rainbow, you know
25:13And neither has been married to a slapper
25:17You're never going to get married again, boy
25:18Well, you're married to myself
25:19Guys, are all right?
25:20Alright, guys, that's we're confused
25:22Oh my God.
25:52Let's go.
25:52Okay.
25:53Let's go.
25:56Let's go.
25:58Let's go.
26:00Let's go.
26:01Let's go.
26:04Let's go.
26:05Let's go.
26:05We're not down.
26:07Keep playing for Cork when he can't play today.
26:10Come in and fuck that one again.
26:13We're not down.
26:15Mr. Wines.
26:18In the end, no one got what they wanted.
26:21Except for Linda.
26:22And she won.
26:24The day didn't turn out the way any of us imagined it would.
26:27Except Jock was right what he said.
26:30Weddings really do make women horny.
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