- 22 minutes ago
The Young Offenders S05E05 [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:03You hear a lot of mams going on about how being a mom is like a real job.
00:06But how hard is it really?
00:10Okay there's the pregnancy bit.
00:13Tony!
00:14And then there's the birth.
00:15But that's just popping it out.
00:18And I reckon I was actually the one who ended up doing most of the work there.
00:22And after all that you have a baby.
00:24And you get months off work where you get free money for doing absolutely nothing.
00:27Oh Jesus Christ he's eating my nipples red raw.
00:30You could try bottle feeding him?
00:32Oh yeah and have everyone tell me I hate my baby.
00:35No thanks.
00:35The whole thing seems like a bit of a scam really.
00:37Bottle you?
00:39Oh Christ's sake.
00:41Who's taking the pass?
00:43What are we going to do?
00:44There's nothing to be afraid of okay.
00:46I'm just going to tell her to calm down.
00:48No no no no.
00:49You want to be killed.
00:50You can't tell a woman to calm down.
00:52How are you going to auto relax again?
00:54Where is the suit?
00:55It'll be over soon.
00:56Her mam's coming to town and she's just a bit worked up.
00:59It won't last forever.
01:00Mam's mam?
01:01I thought she was dead.
01:02No she's not dead.
01:03She just left Mairead when she was a little girl.
01:06Starts a new family.
01:08Who put water in the pass?
01:11Hey Mairead.
01:12Hey Mairead.
01:13Conrad Jack.
01:14I can tell you're going through a little bit of a tough time here at the moment.
01:18And you're probably mad about that tough time.
01:22Yeah.
01:23But you think it would help a little if you just, if you just calmed the fuck down?
01:34They say getting your driver's license is a rite of passage.
01:38But really it's just 50 quid an hour to get honked at for stalling in front of strangers.
01:42But today's the day I can finally prove that I'm more than just a passenger.
01:45It wouldn't have good driving if it hit you in the face.
01:48I can't.
01:51Why?
01:52They have to fail a certain percentage boy.
01:54Everybody knows that.
01:55It's just like a statistic thing boy.
01:56No it's fine.
01:57No it's fine.
01:58No it's fine.
01:58You know what I just want to go to bed.
01:59I can't.
01:59We don't even need a driver's license to drive.
02:02I know.
02:04But I got it anyway.
02:06Shut up.
02:06I got it.
02:07You're joking me boys boy.
02:09Jesus.
02:10That's like Killian Murphy with your acting boy.
02:12Yeah what's my Oscar like?
02:14When you get a bit shy around you know.
02:15You're like the Taoiseach or something boy.
02:17Michael the Higgins.
02:17Jesus boy.
02:18The King of Ireland.
02:19Boy we can get drive-thrus now.
02:21Drive-thrus.
02:23Drive-thrus.
02:23Drive-thrus.
02:24Holy shit Conboy.
02:25Oh.
02:27You are.
02:29You're my Oscar on the road.
02:31You deserve it my kid.
02:34Very classy.
02:35Here get your manky hands off them they're not for ye.
02:37Yes they are it's my party.
02:39How is it your party?
02:40It's my party because we passed the driving test.
02:43We.
02:43Both of you did did you?
02:45Well the guy was sitting on the seat with the wheel but he was in my head so it was
02:48like it was a giant effort like.
02:49Exactly yeah.
02:50A rising tide lifts all the boats my head.
02:52What are you on about?
02:53He's talking about tides.
02:54Boats.
02:55A rising tide.
02:56When jock rises we all rise.
02:58Yeah.
02:58Alright well look who's this party for so if it's not for your award winning son?
03:02Passing a test designed for teenagers isn't exactly award winning.
03:05It is for you boy.
03:07And besides it's Bridget's birthday.
03:09What Bridget as in?
03:10Bridget.
03:10Bridget as in your mime Bridget.
03:12I thought you hated your mime.
03:14I do she's a self-centered witch.
03:16She's a witch?
03:18Every time I look in the mirror I see half of her and I hate her so much I hate
03:21half myself.
03:23But if she wants the best party ever that's what we're gonna throw her.
03:26So you hate this woman so much that you're gonna throw her the best party you've ever thrown in your
03:30entire life?
03:30I am not giving her the satisfaction of having a bad word to say.
03:33We've had parties before like it's not that hard.
03:36Alright I'm off to pick up the witch.
03:38We'll come with you.
03:39No you are not.
03:39We will.
03:40We won't let's go get you.
03:41You might get to drive the car if I think about it.
03:44But she's actually a witch.
03:45Of some kind.
03:46I feel it.
03:47Aye.
03:49After all I really love you.
03:52Love you.
03:53Lads.
03:55After all that we've been true.
03:59Ho ho ho.
04:01Daisy goodbye.
04:02That's up.
04:03That's up.
04:06Hey.
04:06We've had some crack in this car over the years.
04:08Haven't we?
04:09You remember the time that we went and held you with the fridge.
04:13And you thought we murdered a load of dogs.
04:15Ha.
04:15With a hammer like.
04:17That was so good.
04:18Just a car joke.
04:19Ah come on though.
04:20It's not though.
04:20It's more than that.
04:22It's memories on wheels.
04:23Ah do you remember the time we went up to Dublin to go to therapy.
04:26And then the therapist told us that you were the one that was fucked up.
04:29Alright like.
04:30Can you believe that?
04:31The look on your face.
04:33You were like.
04:35I paid all this money for some quack to tell me that.
04:38That's a good one.
04:39That was class.
04:42Eh.
04:43Rayad I think you're looking a little bit tired.
04:45Tired?
04:46Piss off jock.
04:47Stay to you.
04:48You have a face like the first pancake.
04:50You know the bad one that comes out all munted and shaked so they have to throw it out.
04:54Jeez that's a bit below the belt no?
04:56I just thought that maybe you could eh.
04:58Just do a little break from driving is all.
05:00That will keep your thoughts to yourself.
05:02I think he's just a bit worried eh.
05:04You shouldn't be driving in your condition.
05:06Condition?
05:06What condition is that?
05:07Arsehole ladies.
05:10Sorry man.
05:11In all seriousness.
05:13He's right like.
05:14Yeah.
05:14I don't think you at the moment have the mental capacity to focus on the road.
05:18You know thinking about your mammonod.
05:20That's serious stuff.
05:21Do you know what might be a good?
05:23Thought experiment.
05:24Thought experiment?
05:25Yeah.
05:26Did you learn that from the prison therapist was this?
05:28No man alright.
05:29Imagine alright that you've never met your mam.
05:32And you're just on your way now to just make a new friend.
05:36So you can leave all the baggage at the door.
05:41Are you serious?
05:43Rave!
05:44Rave!
05:46What the fuck?
05:48What are you doing?
05:49That's obviously not what we meant like.
05:51I was my mam's baggage when she left me outside the car.
05:53And she took off with a handbag full of freedom and selfishness.
05:56So what?
05:57Or just your baggage?
05:58Yes.
05:59You are my baggage.
05:59The type of baggage that has no value.
06:01And I get stuck in it cause nobody else wants it.
06:03We forgive you.
06:04He always got as useful as a bag full of Mickeys.
06:06Soft Mickeys at that.
06:07Shush it.
06:08No no no.
06:09Don't you shush me.
06:10I just.
06:10Shush it.
06:11We understand.
06:12Get in.
06:17Shush.
06:17Well he should be sleeping.
06:19I know that, Mairead.
06:20But he won't stay down.
06:21Arrows.
06:22No.
06:23Did you ask nicely?
06:25Airbag.
06:26Seriously, Mairead?
06:27I had an airbag.
06:28Shit.
06:28I can't help from here.
06:30Animals!
06:30See the cows there?
06:31Animals!
06:32No.
06:33Healey, what was that?
06:35I gotta go.
06:37I know, but give me a flu.
06:38It is all around us.
06:41It is all around us.
06:43Come on, boy.
06:43Use your brain.
06:44There's no more words beginning with A.
06:46I don't know.
06:47You only guessed like six of them.
06:48I can't think under this pressure.
06:50Healey!
06:51You want me to tell me?
06:52That's what I said.
06:52Tell me.
06:52No worries.
06:54Air.
06:55Air.
06:56Air.
06:57Tony!
06:57But you can't see air.
06:59Tony!
06:59Of course you can, boys.
07:00It's all around us.
07:02Yeah.
07:02I can't see air right now, can I?
07:03I can feel the air in my eyes.
07:04Healey, what is going on?
07:05Will you answer me?
07:06You can feel the effects of air, but you can't see air.
07:08No, no, no.
07:09Air is see-through.
07:10You see through it.
07:11Okay.
07:12Then why don't you call this thing?
07:15Why don't you call that thing?
07:16No, no, no, no.
07:17That's not air.
07:18That's like saying, I spy with my light W.
07:20I'm picking water vapor.
07:21After I had to work, man.
07:23Blames his tools.
07:24I spy with my little eye somebody gave an A and an I and fuck.
07:27I am surrounded by adult children.
07:34I spy with my little eye an absolute ride.
07:39Look at her.
07:39What a gig.
07:40She is like fine white.
07:42What?
07:42That's a bit of me, you know.
07:43She's right up your street, man.
07:45She's stunning.
07:45Is she hot, man?
07:46Stop hitting on your granny.
07:48Granny?
07:48Who's granny?
07:50No, no, no, no.
07:51No, no, no, no.
07:52No, no, no, no.
07:52No, no, no.
07:53That's not.
07:53That was granny.
07:54She's not hot at all, but she might be.
07:57Bridget.
07:58Call me mom.
08:00There's the witch.
08:04Look at those muscles.
08:06You go to the gym or what?
08:08No, boy.
08:10My mom said I was actually born with a six pack.
08:12Yeah, all the doctors took photos of it in the hospital and all.
08:14Looks like a washboard to me.
08:16Yeah, well, he's full of shit, all right?
08:17I swear to God.
08:18I was almost in the paper, but I got bumped because they found a missing guard.
08:21All right, yeah, as if, Jack.
08:23Be nice.
08:24Handsome lad like him.
08:25He's going to make a lot of money.
08:26Doing what?
08:27Being an escort.
08:28Connor!
08:29That is disgusting.
08:31Horse spit.
08:32It's just science.
08:33Good-looking lads make more money.
08:35He wasn't even taught by best-looking people in our school.
08:37Jealous fight.
08:38Oh, yeah.
08:39Relax.
08:39It's okay.
08:41Brides only hang out with brides.
08:45It reflects well on you, too.
08:48Who says that?
08:49Everybody.
08:50Isn't that right, Moraed?
08:53That's why she had such difficulty at school making friends.
08:57Weren't enough other middling children?
09:00You're only middling, Moraed.
09:01Woo!
09:02We are done here.
09:03Jack is too young for you.
09:04It's disgusting.
09:04He's basically like your grandson.
09:06No, not by blood.
09:08Ah, she's got a point there.
09:09I mean, it wouldn't be illegal now, would it?
09:11No, but that doesn't make it right.
09:12Yeah, it's still messed up, all right?
09:14Like, spiritually.
09:15Yeah, spiritually.
09:17So why don't you just stop trying to score with him and be normal for once?
09:24Over this way, my lady.
09:25She didn't say you down on yourself.
09:27Enough!
09:28That is a gorgeous Jackie.
09:31I'm going to be your granddad, boy.
09:32I'm not going to be my granddad.
09:34I'm not calling you granddad.
09:35I'm going to be your granddad.
09:36I'm going to be your granddad.
09:37I'm your granddad, boy.
09:38I'm your granddad, boy.
09:39I'm expecting you.
09:39I'm your granddad.
09:44No, no, what are you doing?
09:47Oh, fuck.
09:50Oh god.
09:59So, how've you been anyway?
10:02Fine.
10:02No thanks to you.
10:05It's a fine day for a drive, isn't it?
10:08Yeah, beautiful blue skies, isn't it?
10:11Brilliant.
10:11God, he's the dead spit of your father.
10:15You barely knew, Dad.
10:16You couldn't pick him out of a line-up.
10:17I stayed around long enough to have you, didn't I?
10:20What more do you want?
10:21Oh, no, no.
10:22That's plenty.
10:22Thank you very much.
10:24Thank you so much for having me and then abandoning me.
10:27Boy, I think we should block our heroes or something.
10:29This feels sort of private, no?
10:31I didn't abandon you, for heaven's sakes.
10:34I had to leave.
10:35You seem to do fine with that other family.
10:37Where are they now anyway?
10:38Why aren't you bothering them for your birthday?
10:40I wanted to meet Neil.
10:41His name's Noel.
10:44Oh.
10:45Noel, Neil, whatever.
10:47He's still my grandson.
10:49Also, I don't speak to the others.
10:51We fell out.
10:53What?
10:54I stayed around for a bit.
10:56But then the Boomtown Rats went on tour.
11:00You toured with them?
11:02I followed them around, yeah.
11:05He's very sick.
11:07Anyway, I wasn't meant to be a mother.
11:11Honestly, it's a shit job.
11:13No, that's what I say too.
11:15I always say, be a dad.
11:17Much easier, more fun.
11:19Well said.
11:23What now?
11:23He took a shit in the bath.
11:25And?
11:25I didn't even know that was a thing.
11:28Oh, he's pissing on me now already.
11:30He's pissing on me.
11:31Grow up and deal with it, all right?
11:32He's your kid too.
11:37Is she always this moody?
11:39I'll answer this one.
11:42Yes.
11:43I even got my driver's license and she won't let me behind the wheel.
11:45Can you believe that?
11:46Yeah.
11:47Even despite her condition.
11:48I don't have a condition.
11:50Are so light.
11:51Exactly, that's it.
11:53That's what I said you had, ma'am.
11:55Gosh, she is a witch.
11:56You predict this.
12:00You're like a cat that's lived a thousand lives.
12:03A thousand rides, more like.
12:04Oh, Van used to say that sort of stuff to me all the time.
12:08Van Morrison.
12:10I used to babysit him.
12:12I've heard of him.
12:12You're not full of shit, you know that.
12:13Van Morrison is older than you.
12:14You couldn't babysit him.
12:15Brown-eyed girl, that one's about me.
12:17You have blue eyes.
12:19For a sec.
12:20All right to smoke in here.
12:23No, no, I quit smoking.
12:25Boys?
12:26Oh, yeah.
12:26Go any further and you will be walking home.
12:29That is so unfair.
12:32Yeah, my age, we never told us our man was such a legend.
12:34Yeah, she's like a proper lad.
12:36Like not a small one, like a big one, like a massive one.
12:39Yeah, well, you didn't grow up with her.
12:40Yeah, well, yeah, neither did you.
12:45All right, I'm relaxed, like.
12:46I was only making a good pint.
12:48It's hard too.
12:49Yoo-hoo!
12:50This is Killian.
12:53He's looking for a ride.
12:55And I said we have room.
12:58Absolutely not.
12:59Oh, come on.
13:00Share and share alike.
13:01No offence, Luke, but I don't think he looks a bit like a murderer.
13:05Silly.
13:07Just watching my address.
13:09Do you, Killian?
13:11No, it's hard.
13:12Mm-hmm.
13:13See?
13:15Wait, was that a yes or a no?
13:17Well, he said it's a yes, but his mouth said no.
13:19Look, there's no room.
13:20Fine.
13:21But if you're not going to let my new friend come, then you're going to have to let Connor
13:27drive.
13:28We all have to make compromises.
13:32Fine, Connor can drive.
13:34Holy shit.
13:35All right, tell him what I taught you.
13:37What we talked about, right?
13:38You get the game.
13:40I'll never forget you.
13:43No, no, no, not that way.
13:45No, no, that way.
13:46Ten and two.
13:47Ten and two.
13:51Nice family.
13:52Then there was a time when she came home from school and told me she needed glasses.
13:57I did need glasses, all right?
13:59I couldn't see the blackboard.
14:01I said to her, come here.
14:04Yeah?
14:04Do you see that moon up there?
14:06I said that moon is 400,000 miles away.
14:11It's fuck all wrong with your eyesight.
14:13That's good.
14:14Ten and two, okay?
14:15You can say that, but I don't know what that means.
14:17It's like a clock, okay?
14:19Hands at ten and two.
14:20Yeah, well, the clock's on my phone, so that doesn't make any sense.
14:22Let the boy just do it.
14:24It's his way.
14:25It's my son, okay?
14:25I'll handle it how I like.
14:26I'm just trying to help.
14:28Okay, thanks, but don't.
14:29Can you just sit down?
14:31He don't.
14:31Will you just sit back, all right?
14:43Thank God he's breathing.
14:45Hey, what we could do?
14:47CPR?
14:49Come in!
14:51Jesus Christ.
14:52You're an animal.
14:53Sorry, like it was the humane thing to do, Con.
14:56Sorry, sorry, boy, sorry.
14:58Somebody put me out of my misery.
14:59We can't just leave him here.
15:01We need to give him a proper burial.
15:02Oh, you're so emotional.
15:05You're definitely your mother's child.
15:12Mommy's brain fell out.
15:19So, we're gathered here today to celebrate the life of Rabbit De Niro.
15:24He's gone, but certainly not forgotten.
15:29Would anyone like to say a few words?
15:32Listen, when I go, keep these two boys away from me with their tears.
15:38Dancing and drinking, that's the way you're supposed to send someone off.
15:43I'll be in the car having a fag or doing anything other than this.
15:53I didn't know you too well, Rabbit De Niro.
15:57I know you like carrots.
16:00Hopping around.
16:02And shagging.
16:04Rabbits love shagging.
16:07Once saw a rabbit looking out a fox.
16:11I'm sorry for what I did to you.
16:15Gone, but not forgotten.
16:20It's good.
16:20Oh, Danny boy, the pubes, the pubes are calling.
16:30From glen to glen and down the mountainside.
16:37The summer's guide, and I am going to win.
17:01Cheer up, boys.
17:03You're bringing my mood down.
17:05Even be with you, he'll get over it in his own time.
17:07That's the problem with your generation.
17:10You're too soft on your kids.
17:11They don't grow up.
17:13Is that what you were doing with me, is it?
17:15Forcing me to grow up.
17:17I think I was a bit young for that, don't you?
17:19I'm getting a bit sick of your poor me stuff.
17:22You had more than I ever have.
17:24You don't see me complaining.
17:25All you do is complain.
17:27You complain about being a mother.
17:28No, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
17:30Yeah, well, I do, okay?
17:31You at least owe me that.
17:33I gave you life.
17:35I was sick every day for nine months, cooking you inside me.
17:39What more do you want?
17:42A mother.
17:43Oh, don't be so dramatic.
17:47Dramatic?
17:48You abandoned me.
17:49You took the easy way out.
17:51I didn't want a kid.
17:53I didn't bail on him, did I?
17:56Well, somehow it's always about you.
17:59And it's my birthday.
18:01It is never about me.
18:03It's literally never about me.
18:04I wish for just once it was about me.
18:06Yelling is exhausting me.
18:09I'm going to have a nap.
18:11Have your nap.
18:13Hope you don't wake up.
18:18I, um, I might try for a nap, too.
18:28No, please, come on.
18:30I'm trying to do it here, all right?
18:46Give me a chance, all right?
18:53Give me a chance, all right?
19:01Hello.
19:03Are we glad to see you?
19:05How was it?
19:06Fine, she's still asleep in the car.
19:07Probably a drunken coma.
19:12How is she?
19:13I'm just the idiot who ruined everybody's life,
19:15so how would I know?
19:15Very good.
19:30Bridget?
19:31Sleepy head.
19:33Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.
19:36Uh, Bridget?
19:42Bridget, I'm Tony.
19:43Oh, Jesus.
19:44Uh, okay.
19:45Okay, don't panic.
19:46Don't panic.
19:46Uh, pulse.
19:48Um, oh, shit.
19:49Okay, no pulse.
19:50Maureen!
19:51Maureen!
19:53Maureen!
19:53Come quick!
19:54She's done this on purpose.
19:56We shouldn't be doing this.
19:57We should be informing the guards.
19:59You are the guards.
20:00Consider yourself informed.
20:01Well, keep our legs up, will you?
20:02God, she's heavy.
20:05Oh, I must be able to.
20:06Oh, God.
20:11What do you think I should give her a hug?
20:14Hope's not going to bring her back to life, boy, is it?
20:17No, Jack.
20:17Not her.
20:20The other one.
20:24The funeral at home said they can't come and pick her up until tomorrow.
20:29What?
20:29So, like, she's just staying tonight with her?
20:31Yeah.
20:32Why?
20:33Do you think we'll get to eat the dinner?
20:35We have some respect, but our mom's mom is dead.
20:38I'm starving.
20:39I'll be the one dead if we won't eat soon.
20:41You know, I can hear you two idiots.
20:43Our hands are all.
20:44Yeah.
20:47We should eat.
20:48We promised her we'd throw her the best party we could, so that's what we're going
20:50to do.
20:52Love, I think you might still be in shock.
20:53Look, she's not going to ruin the party we're throwing for her by deciding to die.
20:56I have one question.
20:58Does she still have a soul?
21:00Yeah.
21:02Or is that dead as well?
21:07Is it right?
21:08This is good stuff.
21:09Well, that's so bad, you know.
21:10Yeah.
21:11Except for the prick garden stuff.
21:13Yeah.
21:13Except for that.
21:17This isn't right.
21:18It's too much salt.
21:20No.
21:22She's over there on her own like this is supposed to be her party.
21:29Why did I have to be the one sat next to her?
21:34Well, I'm not doing that.
21:35That's creepy, but...
21:44A toast.
21:45To the old witch.
21:46To the old witch.
21:49Cheers.
21:53Hey, do you want to tell me?
21:54I'm going to wait, boy.
21:57I'm not nice.
21:59See you.
22:02When I passed you in the doorway, well you took me with a glance.
22:09I should have took that last bus home, but I asked you for a dance.
22:15Now we go steady to the pictures, I always get chocolates.
22:34I'll definitely be illegal now.
22:37On this long, hot summer night.
22:51Happy birthday, ma'am.
22:54I threw this party for you. I hope you liked it.
22:59I don't know why I did. You wouldn't have done it for me.
23:02You never did anything for me.
23:06When I had Connor, I was all alone and you weren't there for me.
23:12All I needed was someone to talk to and tell me everything was going to be alright.
23:20It's all I needed and you weren't there for me.
23:25And I miss my ma'am. And I love my ma'am.
23:30Can I just wish you loved me back?
23:39I'm so sorry I was a shit ma'am.
23:41Oh no, don't say that.
23:44I was scared when I was young.
23:47I love you so much, I'd never have it any other way, you know that.
23:53You did your best, ma'am.
23:55You always did your best.
23:59And you know what, in some way, I'd say she did too.
24:08I was, but I hadn't heard that, wasn't I?
24:10Oh yeah, we're better.
24:14To Bridget.
24:16To Bridget.
24:19And to Marie.
24:21Right?
24:22To Marie.
24:35You're off his nose and about to sparkle.
24:39I know, wait, wait, wait.
24:41Let Healy get it.
24:45Even the bomb going off wouldn't make that man.
24:48One thing about being a man, is that once you are one, it never ends.
24:52And a job that never ends, that's got to be the toughest job in the world.
24:57Right. Say Granny.
24:59So just maybe, we should give all mothers a break.
25:03Because even the ones that do jump ship, they've already done more work than any man.
25:07They deserve a rest.
25:09Rest in peace, Granny Bridget.
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