- 10 hours ago
Taskmaster - S18E03 - The Gangsters of the Sea [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:16I
00:16Know you
00:30I
00:36Welcome to taskmaster the olympics for funny people and like elite athletes
00:41Archimedes have been in training for this their whole careers and similarly one slip-up could see them never compete
00:48again
00:48Lose their homes and end up singing sweet Caroline in a high street having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:54they stole from a garden center
00:56The stakes are high and the rewards are low
01:01Let's meet them now, please welcome Andy's
01:05Goldsmith
01:21Next to me a man who secretly confided in me that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:29Challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:44Okay, let's begin yes, and what a way to begin because the prize category this week is the object with
01:51the most soul
01:54Okay, I
01:55Know oh indeed as a guy in a band I get a lot of people stopping me and saying you
02:00are
02:01soul
02:02But it's not about me. It's about Greg
02:05Giving maximum points to the object with the most soul all right, Rosie. Should we start with you?
02:10No
02:13It was rhetorical
02:15It's we are starting with you
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful is a saxophone
02:28Yes, it is
02:30Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No
02:36Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes
02:44Yeah
02:45No
02:45No
02:46No
02:47No
02:50That's not your soul
02:51That is going to score badly
02:54Badly
02:56What's your favourite saxophone song?
03:01If you can give me one then I'm Mike Scissorrd not putting you at the bottom
03:19Oh
03:20You bought something in that has the most soul I've brought in a Furby Oh
03:33If anybody remembers what furbies would get up to but basically they're kind of
03:40And they start off like that then as time goes on they start to learn from you and eventually they're
03:46able to say I love you
03:51Also it opens it little be it with a little tongue
03:56And you put your finger in and it's like love that. Oh la la la soul
04:00My finger in your mouth you wouldn't mind it and that's so I
04:07Like a Furby as much as the next person okay, but you think that a plastic
04:12Fur based toy going dib-dub-dub-dub is sold
04:16I'm not going to be able to convince you of this. I just know it to be my truth
04:25She's good she's good
04:28Yeah, what have you brought in I bought James Brown in
04:33Technically not not actually James Brown, but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown, which is all singing
04:39all dancing
04:39Um the budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing so if I did it without the
04:45tune
04:46Oh, I feel good
04:50So
04:52We're not allowed to say lyrics either
04:55Oh, I feel good
05:00Are you ready to see the godfather of soul? I am here. Yes. Here we go
05:05He goes oh, I feel wood. Oh, I feel wood
05:18Jesus Christ this is gonna be a low-scoring right Andy. Yes, what soulful thing have you brought? I brought
05:24a shoe
05:25Ready to see
05:29Obviously a shoe has a soul, but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles
05:37There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes. It's programmed to play only soul music the likes of
05:43James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Bananarama
05:46We'll imagine
05:47We'll imagine it. Yeah, there's a picture of the Sun in Spain or soul
05:54I'm sorry, I'm not finished yet Greg
05:57Also
05:58Harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard. I also
06:03Fixed into the shoes the soul of your late great great great uncle Brian
06:10Do you know what Andy? Yeah, I mean it says something is the best yet
06:13Yeah, I
06:15Brought in a Nigerian talking drum you see how they make this is quite mythical right what they do once
06:22they build it
06:23They put it in the streets of Lagos or whatever town in Nigeria and what it does
06:28They believe it absorbs the language of the people as they're in the streets talking
06:33So when you hit it, it sounds like the language being spoken so I tried this out tried it out.
06:39I live in Stevenage
06:44The capital of soul yeah, I put it outside
06:48I hit it and it literally said you prick and so
06:53That's the most soulful thing in this whole line up right now the Nigerian talking drum people
06:59Thank you very much
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself
07:08Right, let's score it and move on. What is the least soulful? What do you think?
07:14The saxophone there. Yeah, of course
07:17Okay, I'll give emma two points for daring to suggest as any soul in a furby
07:23Jack at least he chose the godfather of soul, but then he had him behead himself on television
07:31Three points on it Andy made an effort sure it's a series of awful puns around the world
07:37Oh soul, we know that sure he's dressed as a wizard for no reason
07:41And he gets four points and the only person who actually brought anything of any consequence in is Baba
07:47So he gets five these are my judgments
07:54Okay, task time shall we begin Alex yes, Greg commence countdown
08:16Oh
08:17Hey, Baba
08:19Emma, you're right
08:22Just bring back some memories good ones
08:25Done
08:28Terrifying
08:30Is that being operated manually or is it a machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening actually, it's a warning system
08:36Oh, right, okay, it's a warning system
08:38Yeah
08:38Yeah, okay
08:39Not yet
08:40Okay, no, sorry
08:43Five
08:44Four
08:45Three
08:47Two
08:48One
08:50Zero
09:04Two
09:04Oh
09:05It was meant to fire off
09:06Oh, unlucky bro
09:09Put a rocket in your pocket
09:12Fastest wins
09:13Your time starts now
09:15That's not a rocket. I'm so sorry
09:17That's just a tube
09:18Your time starts now
09:20That's not a rocket unfortunately
09:22That's just a tube. I'm so sorry.
09:27But what are the asterisks?
09:31There's an asterisk, is there?
09:33There are two.
09:35What do them two stars mean?
09:36Yeah, they're both asterisks.
09:37OK.
09:42Double star. Dot.
09:45Oh, I'll just ignore that, the font.
09:47Is this the rocket, this red bit?
09:48No, none of those bits are rockets.
09:50So where's the rocket?
09:52Yes.
09:53What do you mean, yes?
09:55Where is the rocket?
09:59Yes.
10:00No, no.
10:02Where?
10:04APPLAUSE
10:10Baba, I might be suggesting here that you don't know what a rocket is.
10:14I know what a rocket is.
10:16I see, like, the space people, they do that, that's a rocket, right?
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:20Oh, yeah, exactly.
10:21Sorry, I didn't realise you had a degree.
10:25Listen, Greg, we still, we've got to go outside after this, bro.
10:29Like, I mean...
10:30Oh, you're physically threatening me?
10:33LAUGHTER
10:36I've got to say, it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight in all these series.
10:40And I've got to tell you, Baba, it was exhilarating.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45Ooh!
10:48OK, let's crack on.
10:49First to wreck you for rockets, it is Baba.
10:53Is there a rocket here?
10:54That's the question.
10:56Ooh!
10:57Listen, I've got two children, yeah?
10:59I've got time for this.
11:01Where's the rocket?
11:02Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not going to do this.
11:05We're not going to do this.
11:06Right.
11:18Let's go, look.
11:19One rocket.
11:21That's not a rocket, that's like a telescope, thinking of you.
11:24Anything under here?
11:26Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
11:29Ah, that's half a rocket.
11:31What onto something?
11:33What's that?
11:34What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket.
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket.
11:43Yes, you have.
11:44Bah!
11:46That was the rocket.
11:48It was in the...
11:50This is an orca.
11:51This is an orca's mouth.
11:52It was in the orca's mouth.
11:53Let's say killer world, because that sounds gangster.
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth.
11:58LAUGHTER
12:04APPLAUSE
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is.
12:07He found it quickly, and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:14Absolute textbook.
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is, but...
12:17Yeah, I know.
12:18You didn't believe in me, but you've seen us...
12:19I've learned that now, and now I believe there's no need for it to come to blow.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25Good.
12:25Who is next?
12:26Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments.
12:30Zolts and pep...
12:30Zolts and Emma.
12:31Zolts and Peppers.
12:32Zolts and Emma.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35It looks like a rocket.
12:37That's not a rocket.
12:37No, well, it's not a rocket until it's fired.
12:39It's a potential rocket.
12:40Even then, that is not a rocket.
12:42I don't see why.
12:43Why can that not be a rocket?
12:44It hasn't got fins.
12:46I'm just thinking...
12:48Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:50Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, well, that's better.
12:54Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:55I made myself a rocket but it didn't go in my pocket.
12:58Right, OK.
13:03Oh, shit.
13:07Right.
13:08Are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah.
13:10In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket,
13:16that doesn't count as an actual rocket unless you are a rocket scientist.
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist, you must now put two rockets in your pockets.
13:25Are you a rocket scientist?
13:26No, I'm not.
13:26Right.
13:28I did languages.
13:30Two rockets.
13:31Yes, please.
13:31Am I allowed out of the room?
13:32Absolutely.
13:33Oh, right, OK.
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before.
13:37Two rockets in your pockets.
13:39One like that?
13:40No, that's not a rocket.
13:41That's a can of Coke with a sweet in.
13:43Fuck's sake.
13:44Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:45I'm going to have to give you this.
13:47If you swear at any point after drawing, making or writing your own rocket,
13:51you must now put three rockets in your pockets.
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket, though.
14:09Was it on the rocket?
14:10You're saying that's a rocket?
14:11No, no.
14:12Oh, well, there is a rocket there.
14:14Well, there you go.
14:15You found a rocket?
14:16I found one.
14:17I need another rocket.
14:21No, no, no, no.
14:23We're going back inside.
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:26Not a shark.
14:27There's a rocket in there.
14:30Walker?
14:33I stopped the clock.
14:34Right, that took a long time.
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:40No.
14:42Well, if you want.
14:48Oh, like, in this pot.
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket.
14:55Well, you'd better put it in your pocket, then.
14:56OK, now I'm on board with it.
14:58All right, fine.
15:00Any other little rockets about?
15:02Oh, my God!
15:03There's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go.
15:08Time's up!
15:09I've stopped the clock.
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me.
15:11Yeah, sorry.
15:12Oh, well, well.
15:21Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on.
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it.
15:25Me?
15:26Yeah.
15:26Oh, sorry.
15:27Well, I'm at it.
15:28Mm-hmm.
15:28I also found it really irritating when you opened the plug and there was a rocket inside,
15:31and you looked at the camera as if to say...
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly that the yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket.
15:40Yeah.
15:42Repeatedly.
15:42You know, what...
15:43If you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it.
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket, does it?
15:50Become a rocket.
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket.
15:53Yeah.
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant.
15:55Yes.
15:56LAUGHTER
15:59Er...
15:59Emma?
16:00Yeah?
16:01Now, I'm no rocket scientist.
16:03Fine.
16:03But putting a sweet inside a can of Coke...
16:08How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision, and also, it didn't even fizz.
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:19LAUGHTER
16:20Well, look, Bubba took 5 minutes 52.
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10.
16:24Emma, 39 minutes.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27Wow.
16:27Oh, my God.
16:28Get in!
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30All right, part one is over.
16:31It never really loved you anyway.
16:33Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum.
16:35It's finished!
16:36Let it go!
16:36Make a life with part two!
16:38It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom.
16:40We'll see you in a bit.
16:46APPLAUSE
16:51Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part two.
16:54Please remind us what was happening before the break,
16:57my sad little otter.
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket
17:01and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:07Can I go extra boring?
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it will be...
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it?
17:17That's the thing.
17:18Mm.
17:18I know what you mean.
17:20It's so annoying.
17:21Yeah, it is.
17:22OK.
17:23OK.
17:24Is it rocket salad?
17:36That's what I was looking for.
17:38It stinks.
17:40Done.
17:44I've stopped the clock.
17:46You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:48Have you enjoyed that?
17:50Well done, me!
17:53APPLAUSE
17:53Wow!
17:56OK.
17:57Great moment.
17:59Two grown adults.
18:02Genuinely thrilled that they put salad in their pockets.
18:05Oh, come on.
18:06You should try it sometime.
18:07It's good.
18:07Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.
18:09Yeah, I'd like that.
18:10Yeah.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:14Rosie, that well done me was genuine, wasn't it?
18:17Yeah.
18:19Honestly, that's the best thing I've ever done.
18:24LAUGHTER
18:26The wizard has a point.
18:27I just...
18:29What was the wording of the task?
18:32It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.
18:35Right.
18:35It's like a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, didn't it?
18:38A rocket.
18:39Do you want me to take Rosie's point off her?
18:43Yeah.
18:44LAUGHTER
18:45Just look at Rosie...
18:46Look at Rosie when you say it.
18:48Yeah, I do.
18:50LAUGHTER
18:50Does the word A mean nothing these days?
18:54You are a prick today.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:57That's...
18:58That's perfectly fine.
19:00That's...
19:00I'm not...
19:01I'm not some pricks.
19:03I'm a prick.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:13Do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:15What's the timing of theirs?
19:17Yeah, yeah.
19:18You haven't yet said that.
19:20All right, let's get to that first.
19:21OK.
19:22Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket in 2 minutes 40.
19:27Yeah, let's take away the point.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:32Jack pocketed rocket in 1 minute 59.
19:35Wow!
19:36That's crazy.
19:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:41Yeah, everything he said, I'm going to back it.
19:46I've got news for you.
19:47I am going to allow rocket, and I want you to know this.
19:51I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:58Rocket stands.
19:59In that case, it's one point to Emma, two to Andy, three to Bubba,
20:02four to Rosie, but five to Mr Jack Dean.
20:05APPLAUSE
20:09Is it scoreboard time?
20:11It is Bubba with your speedy rocket.
20:13You are in joint first place with Jack Dean on eight points.
20:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:22Please do have another task.
20:24Oh, yes.
20:25Now, for some physical art.
20:29BUZZER
20:31BUZZER
20:34BUZZER
20:34BUZZER
20:36BUZZER
20:36BUZZER
20:38BUZZER
20:39Yo!
20:40What's going on?
20:41Hello, Bubba.
20:41Man-like.
20:42You're on dry land.
20:44Dry land, yeah.
20:45Yeah.
20:46You've been at sea.
20:48No, it's a caravan, bro.
20:49BUZZER
20:49BUZZER
20:50BUZZER
20:54BUZZER
20:56Do I?
20:57You do.
20:59BUZZER
21:00BUZZER
21:01BUZZER
21:11BUZZER
21:12most creative recreation recreation wins do i look like i i go to art exhibitions
21:19i'll go to the art exhibition my guy you have 20 minutes your time starts now right famous 2d
21:29piece of art in 3d you understand it of course i understand it what's the matter of you
21:34of course what do you think i'm sick you kept saying recreation instead of recreation but you
21:38um they are the same spelling aren't they well i'm just excited to see these 3d art okay would you
21:49like to see a montage of them arting hard i want to see a hard art montage okay here you
21:55are oh my god
22:01noisy it's really noisy i hate bloody flowers don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers
22:10it needs to go far corner far back as it goes i think
22:18all right are you all right yeah i'm all right uh shall i sit here
22:27you're just too dutch you see oh yeah okay
22:31so the andy warhol ones
22:36did they do baked beans soup baked beans is a lumpy soup
22:51does this look like a human mother
22:53i need to get my thug pose on let me look like a thug no gang affiliation over here bruv
23:01apart from the church i go church i gang bang for jesus you get me okay
23:08i don't know if you're celebrating a goal but really upset oh upset yeah
23:15did you do that did you do that yeah wow yeah did that i'm slipping in
23:22oh that feels gross
23:33who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much jack d looks like
23:37oh my god
23:46did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers why you're the only person i've
23:50ever met who hates flowers i quote i don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers
23:56you know what it is i'm traumatized by how much my wife requests flowers because when i'm walking on
24:01street people be like oh he's in the dog house it's like i ain't no damn dog house you know
24:05what i'm saying
24:06how often do you buy your wife flowers
24:12not including the ones you take off lampposts
24:20um emma i'm already quite impressed because i already know what your painting is really
24:25it's clipped right yeah well look i'm going to show you emma's 3d version of the well-known painting
24:30and let's see it in all its glory here we go
24:50i mean so rarely on this show that i just have to just say oh that's good yeah it was
24:57good
24:57the original sparked a sexual revolution do you think hers will
25:02i can't feel anything really good okay well should we see another yes well as you might have
25:10worked out andy's altzman took on the almighty guernica by pablo picasso wow so first of all
25:16we're going to look at the original now picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful
25:21anti-war painting to help raise awareness and raise money during the spanish civil war it's harrowing
25:25good afternoon and here's andy's altzman's 3d recreation
25:28i mean we have to reward ambition
25:48it's incredibly ambitious i mean i just feel amongst the many things this show doesn't address
25:54the pity of war is right up there cow's the wrong way around
26:04sorry emma have you you've spotted an inaccuracy in this paper
26:10well done wizard okay well next up with his 3d nod to self-portrait with bandage
26:14right well we already know this looks exactly like it because we've got his face in the room
26:19yep it's vincent jank goth here we go
26:37who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted than vincent van gogh
26:47van gogh looks like it's his birthday by comparison
26:52another one really good this is the worst episode of taskmaster ever
26:57okay time for another break and probably some more adverts for holidays in the sun cost
27:02the living crisis yeah more like costa del sol living la vida loca crisis let's whack it over
27:08of the credit cards wayne lineker call me yolo
27:24hello again here we are it's part three and some classic artworks are being brought to life in a
27:31three-dimensional way cool yeah i love 3d but i also like harry styles's solo stuff
27:37next up what's the artist currently known as rosie jones
27:44and they warhol
27:47lab
27:48and
27:49bullshit
27:51yeah
27:51yeah
27:52yeah
27:52yeah
27:52yeah
27:52yeah
27:52yeah
27:52yeah
28:02I
28:09It's really good. Yeah, it's good everyone liked it
28:13Not that much
28:18Yes, one left and this man doesn't go to art galleries. He hates flowers. It's Bubba's turn
28:24Ah
28:29Ah
28:30Ah
28:30It is good
28:32It is good
28:37Turn on back
28:50Yes
28:51Of course I do
28:52Yes, you do
28:53You see the angle? You know what I'm saying?
28:54This is what I'm trying to say. I keep telling people I'm amazing.
29:01Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D picks.
29:05Well, I'm going to have to give everyone a really high score, aren't I?
29:07And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:10So I'll give everyone five points.
29:18OK, what's next, please, Mr Alex Hall?
29:21OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub. Ooh!
29:36In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:42Lovely!
29:44Oh, we have company.
29:45Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:52Do you want... Yes, please.
29:53Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:56Yes.
29:59Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:13This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys.
30:26Are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Great.
30:31I'll come and get your team name soon.
30:32Have I got time to go to the toilet?
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking.
30:40Yeah.
30:40There's your answer sheet.
30:41Are you all right?
30:42OK.
30:43There's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK, enjoy.
30:46Anyone need anything?
30:47Good luck.
30:48Enjoy.
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:53I got my phone.
30:55What's that?
30:55Do you think?
30:57I'm going to take a piece of beer.
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:05It's all common, you.
31:07Keep, keep.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's up?
31:11One of you look after you.
31:12A little book of...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone?
31:16Save that now.
31:178-7-2.
31:18Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:20Cheers, mate.
31:21OK.
31:22Team name, please.
31:23GK, picky people.
31:25We're team honesty.
31:26Team honesty.
31:27That's funny.
31:28And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs, but like they're animals.
31:33Cheetahs?
31:34Just Cheetahs with a Z.
31:35C-H-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:40Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right.
31:42I'm just going to get my microphone and then we'll be off.
31:43Yeah.
31:43Yeah.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hm.
31:50I'm also married.
31:52Mm-hm.
31:52I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss and cheat.
31:54Right.
31:55Handshake?
31:56I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:58Yeah.
31:58Check that.
32:04I can remember what's in there.
32:06OK.
32:07All right, remember.
32:09Um, what's in your right hand?
32:11Nothing.
32:13It's just falling on the floor there.
32:15I will put the books in my area.
32:17Can I have the guide to the Beavers, please?
32:19And also AirPods out.
32:21You're so strict!
32:22Yes.
32:23Sorry, I didn't see it down there.
32:24Mm-hm.
32:24Sorry about that, bro.
32:25Excuse me.
32:27Hello? Hello?
32:28Pretty much back to square one.
32:29Hello?
32:30Is everyone here?
32:36Are you pub quizzers before we start?
32:38No.
32:39I think it's a waste of pub time.
32:42Every Monday.
32:43Thank you, Emma.
32:44Do you really, Emma?
32:45Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Hugh, what's your team called?
32:49Um, no arguments.
32:52Cos we have a problem with arguing,
32:55so one day we realised,
32:56oh, if we called no arguments,
32:57maybe we'll stop.
32:58Oh.
32:59So now we just argue on the way home.
33:02It's me and my husband.
33:06All right, then.
33:06You want to see the quiz?
33:07I want to see the quiz.
33:08OK, pens down, heads up or something.
33:11It's time to quiz!
33:13Welcome to the ship.
33:14Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:16OK, question one.
33:17What is the largest species of rodent?
33:20What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that.
33:24It's got a mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary Queen of Scots executed by her cousin?
33:31Elizabeth First, of course.
33:33In what year...
33:34I'm just going to faint choking.
33:36I got cramp.
33:38Oh!
33:39Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:41Oh, my God!
33:43Yeah.
33:44Oh, man.
33:46It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp.
33:48Oh, yes.
33:49Right.
33:49She just needs to be...
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Wait.
33:55Oh!
33:57There's a hat there, though.
33:58Moo!
34:00Moo!
34:03Moo!
34:03Moo!
34:04Moo!
34:04Yeah.
34:05Feeling better now.
34:06See you later.
34:08We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:09See you later.
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:14It's 500.
34:15Yeah.
34:15Do you think it's that?
34:16Yes.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:25Come down!
34:26Come down and help!
34:27What do you...
34:28Come down and help, mate!
34:29That's not really how it works.
34:30No, you don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:33Basically...
34:33Yeah.
34:34I feel so sick.
34:35OK.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:40OK, yeah, please.
34:45OK.
34:46Phone's away, please.
34:48I see what you're doing there.
34:53Round two.
34:54Sport!
34:55If I potted a red, then a black, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a pink,
35:03then a red, then a yellow, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a brown, then a
35:06red, then a green, then all the colours, what would my break be worth?
35:09I'll be honest with you, I think this is when we do a quick romantic cheat.
35:13Right.
35:15So can I just give you a quick...
35:17There we go.
35:18Let's never speak of it again.
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:28What is Sue...
35:29I need a sick bucket now!
35:31A big bucket.
35:33Yeah.
35:35Cool, Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry, I can't take your call.
35:39Come on, Sue!
35:40I'm going to need some water hockey.
35:41What?
35:41Hockey.
35:42Hockey.
35:43Hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey.
35:44Come to have a look.
35:47What is Sue Perkins?
35:52Hello, everyone.
35:53OK.
35:53Hiya!
35:54The answers.
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56No, sorry, we just got them all mixed up.
35:58Quick as you can, please.
36:00Let's swap with...
36:02As long as you don't have your own.
36:04As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course, please sit down,
36:09Kapubara.
36:1015.87.
36:12356 points.
36:13That would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is, football.
36:19It's hockey.
36:21It's not, it's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got a hand before we give her a call.
36:32Give her a call.
36:32I'm sorry, I don't want to be worried about this.
36:34Can we call her now?
36:34Give her a call now.
36:36Call her now.
36:36Put it on the speaker, let's hear it.
36:38Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry, I can't take your call, but I'm at the underwater hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, because I actually really love football.
36:52Underwater football.
36:53Have you just caught up the scores?
36:56The sporty foodie flag, guys.
36:59Yep.
36:59Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:07Didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two.
37:12Well, we got three.
37:14We thought we had got more.
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is...
37:17Well, misspelling.
37:17It's misspelling.
37:19Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:21Well done, guys.
37:22All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:26APPLAUSE
37:31I mean, some of the most ludicrous over acting.
37:34I mean, Jones went down within seconds, didn't she?
37:38Yeah, good friend.
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress
37:41when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:44I never trained, darling.
37:45I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show.
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he?
37:51Wasn't over acting?
37:53Yes.
37:53But there's more to come, right?
37:55They're only halfway through.
37:56They've both pretty much neck and neck.
37:57I've caught them a few times,
37:58but there is a second half to come.
37:59That's the end of part three.
38:01Come back for part four
38:02and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:05It'll be like watching your kid in a school play,
38:07except shorter and fun,
38:09and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:10by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:13Just me?
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show
38:29where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz
38:33where the two teams have to win by cheating
38:35at least five times
38:37without being caught by old eagle-eyes horn,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:40Here's how they get on.
38:43Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one.
38:45What is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again.
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro.
38:59Come on, man.
39:00We're getting drunk.
39:01Question three.
39:01Please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:04A delivery?
39:04Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:07This is the pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:10Yeah, you're right.
39:16Yeah, I don't think anyone saw that.
39:18Oh!
39:20Oh!
39:21Oh!
39:22What?
39:23What?
39:24There's no one there.
39:25Oh, God.
39:26What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33What?
39:41You're going on.
39:42Oh, God.
39:43Here we go.
39:47Yo!
39:47Yo!
39:48Yo!
39:49Ooh!
39:49HE SIGHS
39:51HE SIGHS
39:53HE SIGHS
39:55OK.
39:58This thing is inside.
40:01Hello, everyone.
40:02Hiya. Hiya.
40:04OK, the answers.
40:06Please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:09OK, what was I holding? What was redacted there?
40:12Oh, come on, Linda.
40:15How did you know that?
40:17It's just the expression.
40:19It was a colander.
40:20It was a colander. Yeah.
40:22I love quizzes.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Please get out. Thank you.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Bubba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God.
40:46But we subtract points from the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times.
40:54Which means the team of three win the quiz.
40:56Wow!
41:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:02It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go, so four for the team of two, five for the team of three!
41:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:14We can have a first look at the series scores, if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Mm.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:21We've got Andy on 37, Bubba on 40, Emma on 42,
41:24then we jump to Rosie on 46,
41:26Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:32OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:54It's uncanny!
41:57Are you just going to read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:05Russell Russell, Phil Phil, Mark Mark, Rob Rob and Pat Pat.
42:09When Alex blows his whistle,
42:11you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you
42:15or perform one action.
42:17The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions
42:28to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody
42:32who's either called Mark, Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark,
42:37you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil,
42:47you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark
42:55to mark Mark.
42:57If you correctly fill Phil or Mark Mark
42:59or Rob Rob or Russell Russell,
43:00you will get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:13Let's go.
43:15Rob.
43:16No.
43:16Phil.
43:17No.
43:18Russell.
43:18No.
43:19Mark.
43:19No.
43:20Pat.
43:21No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24Phil.
43:25No.
43:26Rob.
43:26Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right,
43:29you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark.
43:32Yes.
43:32Pat.
43:33Yes.
43:35Not yet!
43:36Sit down!
43:37Make you sit down.
43:38Hey!
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:54It's Mark, Pack, Russell, Rob and Phil.
43:59What's up?
44:00Yes.
44:01Move.
44:01For...
44:02Good.
44:06No, no.
44:07There has been a successful action.
44:10Move!
44:12WHISTLE BLOWS
44:13WHISTLE BLOWS
44:14WHISTLE BLOWS
44:18WHISTLE BLOWS
44:19WHISTLE BLOWS
44:20WHISTLE BLOWS
44:20WHISTLE BLOWS
44:20We have a disqualification.
44:21Bubba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair.
44:24He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Bubba.
44:26At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:29Move!
44:30OK.
44:30Oh, shit!
44:35That's definitely not his name.
44:40OK.
44:41We've got some more action.
44:42This is good.
44:43Move.
44:48We have more action.
44:50Move, please.
44:50Move.
44:53We have more action.
44:54We have action over there.
44:55Another sticker.
44:56Please move.
44:58WHISTLE BLOWS
44:59WHISTLE BLOWS
45:01WHISTLE BLOWS
45:02WHISTLE BLOWS
45:02We have a disqualification.
45:03Jack D is gone!
45:04Jack's gone.
45:05Only three left in the game.
45:07Ray, you're going to kill me!
45:10LAUGHTER
45:15Mark.
45:15Mark.
45:16Phil.
45:17Mark.
45:19Go!
45:20OK.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:24Emma has one sticker.
45:25The wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers.
45:29SHE LAUGHS
45:29She's got two!
45:30I know!
45:31She's playing you, Emma.
45:32She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:36WHISTLE BLOWS
45:37Move, move, move.
45:39WHISTLE BLOWS
45:40Some action going on.
45:43The wizard has another sticker.
45:44And move.
45:46WHISTLE BLOWS
45:47We have more action here.
45:49The wizard has three stickers.
45:53WHISTLE BLOWS
45:55Four stickers!
45:59He could be approaching the end game.
46:01WHISTLE BLOWS
46:04We are first!
46:06WHISTLE BLOWS
46:09We will add those scores to the final score.
46:12Come down and join me!
46:20What.
46:21A.
46:21Rush.
46:23All right.
46:24Well, as you saw, there was only five points to one person there,
46:27and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:29The wizard had his revenge.
46:31WHISTLE BLOWS
46:31That means the final table today looks like this.
46:37He's only gone undone it.
46:38The winner with 21 points is Andy Zaltzman!
46:59WHISTLE BLOWS
47:01Littleinteck.
47:11You're welcome,
47:12who is it?
47:12We are only five to five.
47:13Chi?
47:17Are you?-
47:18.
Comments