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Taskmaster - S18E03 - The Gangsters of the Sea [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:16I
00:16Know you
00:30I
00:36Welcome to taskmaster the olympics for funny people and like elite athletes
00:41Archimedes have been in training for this their whole careers and similarly one slip-up could see them never compete
00:48again
00:48Lose their homes and end up singing sweet Caroline in a high street having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:54they stole from a garden center
00:56The stakes are high and the rewards are low
01:01Let's meet them now, please welcome Andy's
01:05Goldsmith
01:21Next to me a man who secretly confided in me that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:29Challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:44Okay, let's begin yes, and what a way to begin because the prize category this week is the object with
01:51the most soul
01:54Okay, I
01:55Know oh indeed as a guy in a band I get a lot of people stopping me and saying you
02:00are
02:01soul
02:02But it's not about me. It's about Greg
02:05Giving maximum points to the object with the most soul all right, Rosie. Should we start with you?
02:10No
02:13It was rhetorical
02:15It's we are starting with you
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful is a saxophone
02:28Yes, it is
02:30Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No
02:36Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes
02:44Yeah
02:45No
02:45No
02:50That is going to score badly
02:56What's your favourite saxophone song
02:58Oh
03:01You can give me one then I might
03:10You at the
03:11You bought something in that has the most soul I brought in a Furby
03:34I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbies would get up to but basically they're kind of
03:40And they start off like that then as time goes on they start to learn from you and eventually they're
03:46able to say I love you
03:51Also it opens it little beat it with a little tongue
04:00Soul my finger in your mouth
04:03You wouldn't mind it and that's so
04:06I like a Furby as much as the next person okay, but you think that a plastic
04:12Fur based toy going dib-dab-dub-dub is sold
04:16I'm not going to be able to convince you of this. I just know it to be my truth
04:25She's good. She's good
04:28Yeah, what have you brought in I bought James Brown in
04:31Um
04:33Technically not not actually James Brown, but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown, which is all singing
04:39all dancing
04:41The budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing. So if I did it without the tune.
04:46Oh, I feel good
04:50So
04:51So
04:52We're not allowed to say lyrics either
04:55Oh, I feel wood
04:58There you go
05:00Are you ready to see the godfather of soul?
05:02I am
05:02Here he is
05:04Here we go
05:04He goes
05:06Oh, I feel wood
05:07Oh, I feel wood
05:17Jesus Christ this is gonna be a low-scoring round
05:22Andy
05:22Yes, what soulful thing have you brought?
05:24I brought a shoe
05:25Ready to see it?
05:28Ready to see it?
05:29Obviously a shoe has a sole, but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles
05:36There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes
05:40It's programmed to play only soul music the likes of James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Bananarama
05:46We'll imagine
05:46We'll imagine it
05:48Yeah
05:48There's a picture of the sun in Spain
05:50or
05:51soul
05:53as its
05:53also
05:54I'm sorry
05:55I've not finished yet, Greg
05:57Also
05:58Harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard
06:01I also
06:03fixed into the shoes the soul of your late great great great uncle Brian
06:10Do you know what, Andy?
06:11Yeah
06:11I mean it says something, it's the best yet
06:13Right
06:14Who's next, Bubba?
06:15I bought in a Nigerian talking drum
06:18You see how they make this is quite mythical
06:20Right
06:21What they do once they build it
06:23They put it in the streets of Lagos
06:25Or whatever town in Nigeria
06:27And what it does
06:28They believe it absorbs the language of the people
06:31As they're in the streets talking
06:33So when you hit it
06:35It sounds like the language being spoken
06:37So I tried this out
06:39Tried it out
06:39I live in Stevenage
06:41And I
06:41I
06:44The capital of soul
06:46Yeah
06:47I put it outside
06:48I hit it
06:49And it literally said
06:50You prick
06:51And so
06:53That's
06:54The most soulful thing
06:56In this whole line-up right now
06:58The Nigerian talking drum people
06:59Thank you very much
07:11What do you think?
07:13I think
07:14The saxophone
07:15Yeah of course
07:16One point
07:17Got it
07:17OK
07:18I'll give Emma two points
07:19For daring to suggest there's any soul in a Furby
07:23Jack
07:23At least he chose the godfather of soul
07:26But then
07:27He had him behead himself on television
07:29So he could only have three points
07:32Got it
07:32Andy made an effort
07:34Sure it's a series of awful puns around the world
07:37Soul
07:37We know that
07:38Sure he's dressed as a wizard
07:40For no reason
07:41And he gets four points
07:43And the only person
07:44Who actually brought anything
07:45Of any consequence in is Baba
07:47So he gets five
07:48These are my judgements
07:49Well done
07:49APPLAUSE
07:54OK
07:54Task time
07:55Shall we begin Alex?
07:56Yes Greg
07:58Commence
07:58Countdown
08:16Oh
08:17Hey
08:18Baba
08:19Emma
08:20You alright?
08:22Just bring back some memories
08:23Good ones?
08:25Done
08:28Terrifying
08:29Is that being operated manually or is it a machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening actually it's a warning system
08:36Oh right OK it's a warning system
08:38Yeah
08:38OK
08:39Not yet
08:40OK sorry
08:41Five
08:43Five
08:44Four
08:45Three
08:46Two
08:47One
08:49Zero
08:50Zero
08:56Oh
09:03Two
09:04It was meant to fire off
09:05Oh
09:07Unlucky bro
09:08Mm
09:09Put a rocket in your pocket
09:11Fastest wins
09:13Your time starts now
09:15Your time starts now
09:16That's not a rocket
09:16I'm so sorry
09:17That's just a tube
09:19Your time starts now
09:20That's not a rocket unfortunately
09:22That's just a tube
09:24I'm so sorry
09:27But what are the asterisks?
09:31There's an asterisk is there?
09:33There are two
09:34What do them two stars mean?
09:36Yeah they're both asterisks
09:37OK
09:41Double star
09:42The
09:43Dot
09:45I'll just ignore that
09:46The font
09:46Is this the rocket this red bit?
09:48No
09:48None of those bits are rockets
09:49So where's the rocket?
09:51Yes
09:53What do you mean yes?
09:55Where
09:55Is
09:56The
09:57Rocket
09:59Yes
10:00No no
10:01Where
10:03Yes
10:04Yes
10:04Yes
10:10Baba
10:10I might be suggesting here that you have to go
10:12But you don't know what a rocket is
10:14I know what a rocket is
10:16I know what a rocket is
10:17I see like the space people they do that
10:19That's a rocket right?
10:20Yeah
10:20Oh yeah sorry
10:21I didn't realise you had a degree
10:25Listen Greg we still we gotta go outside after this bro like
10:29I mean
10:30Oh you're physically threatening me
10:32No
10:35I can't say it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight
10:39In all these series and I've got to tell you Baba it was exhilarating
10:52Is there a rocket here?
10:54That's the question
10:55Oh
10:57Listen I've got two children yeah?
11:00I've got time for this
11:00Where's the rocket?
11:02Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not gonna do this
11:05We're not gonna do this
11:06Right
11:18Let's go on look
11:19What a rocket?
11:21That's not a rocket that's like a telescope thing you would do
11:24Anything under here?
11:26Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
11:29Ah that's half a rocket
11:30What onto something?
11:33What's that?
11:34What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:37What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket
11:43Yes you have
11:44Bah!
11:46That was the rocket
11:48It was in the
11:50This is an orca
11:51This is an orca
11:51This is an orca's mouth
11:52It was in the orca's mouth
11:53Let's say killer world cause that sounds gangster
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is
12:07He found it quickly
12:09And he labelled the orcas
12:11The gangsters of the sea
12:14Absolute textbook
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is but
12:17Yeah I know
12:17You didn't believe in me
12:19I've learnt that now
12:20And now I believe
12:21There's no need for it to come to blow
12:23Yeah
12:24Good
12:25Who is next?
12:26Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments
12:30Zolts and pep-
12:30Zolts and Emma
12:31Zolts and Peppers
12:32Zolts and Emma
12:35It looks like a rocket
12:36That's not a rocket
12:37No, well it's not a rocket until it's fired
12:39It's a potential rocket
12:40Even then
12:41That is not a rocket
12:42I don't see why
12:43Why can that not be a rocket?
12:44Hasn't got fins
12:46I'm just thinking
12:48Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:50Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better
12:54Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:55I made myself a rocket but it didn't go in my pocket
12:58Right, okay
13:03Oh shit
13:07Right, are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah
13:10In that case
13:11I'm going to have to give you that
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket
13:16That doesn't count as an actual rocket unless you are a rocket scientist
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist, you must now put two rockets in your pockets
13:25Are you a rocket scientist?
13:26No I'm not
13:26Right
13:28I did languages
13:30Took two rockets
13:31Yes please
13:31Am I allowed out of the room?
13:32Absolutely
13:33Oh right, okay
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before
13:37Two rockets in your pockets?
13:39One like that?
13:40No, that's not a rocket, that's a can of Coke with a sweet in
13:43Fuck's sake
13:44Oh, I'm so sorry
13:45I'm meant to give you this
13:47If you swear at any point after drawing, making or writing your own rocket
13:51You must now put three rockets in your pocket
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket though
14:09Was it on the rocket?
14:10You're saying that's a rocket?
14:11No, no
14:12Oh, there is a rocket there
14:14Well, there you go
14:15You found a rocket?
14:16I found one, I need another rocket
14:21Nope, nope, nope, nope
14:23We're going back inside
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:26Not a shark
14:27There's a rocket in there
14:30Walker?
14:33I stopped the clock
14:34Right, that took a long time
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:40No
14:41Well, if you want
14:45Oh, like, in this pot
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket
14:54Well, you'd better put it in your pocket then
14:56OK, OK, now I'm on board with it
14:58Alright, fine
15:00Any other little rockets about?
15:02Oh my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go
15:08Time's up!
15:09I've stopped the clock
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me
15:11Yeah, sorry
15:12Oh!
15:13Oh!
15:20Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on
15:23Incredibly irritating, I find it
15:25Me?
15:26Yeah
15:26Oh, sorry
15:27Well, I'm at it
15:28I also found it really irritating when you opened the plug
15:30and there was a rocket inside
15:31and you looked at the camera as if to say
15:34Yeah
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly that the yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket
15:40Yeah
15:42Repeatedly
15:42You know, if you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket
15:50Become a rocket
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket
15:53Yeah
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant
15:55Yes
15:58Er, Emma
16:00Yeah
16:00Now, I'm no rocket scientist
16:02I'm
16:03But putting a sweet inside a can of Coke
16:08How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision
16:16and also, it didn't even fizz
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20Well, look, Bubba took 5 minutes 52
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10
16:24Emma, 39 minutes
16:27Wow
16:27Get in!
16:30Alright, part 1 is over
16:31It never really loved you anyway
16:33Part 1 didn't even make an effort with your mum
16:35It's finished!
16:36Let it go!
16:36Make a life with part 2
16:38It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom
16:40We'll see you in a bit
16:50Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part 2
16:54Please remind us what was happening before the break
16:56My sad little otter
16:58Well, they're all trying to find a rocket
17:01and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible
17:03Finally, it's Jack and Rosie
17:07Can I go at some boring?
17:11You may
17:12I mean, it will be...
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it? That's the thing
17:17Mm-hmm
17:18I know what you mean
17:19It's so annoying
17:21Yeah, it is
17:21OK
17:23OK
17:24Is it rocket salad?
17:36That's what I was looking for
17:39It stinks
17:40Done
17:44I've stopped the clock
17:45You've got rocket in your pocket
17:47And you've enjoyed that
17:50Well done, me!
17:53LAUGHTER
17:54APPLAUSE
17:54Wow!
17:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:57OK, great moment
17:59Two grown adults
18:02Genuinely thrilled that they've put salad in their pockets
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05Oh, come on!
18:06Should you try it sometime? It's good
18:07Maybe you and I could hang out sometime
18:09Yeah, I'd like that
18:11Yeah
18:11LAUGHTER
18:14Rosie
18:14That well done me was genuine, wasn't it?
18:17Yeah
18:20Honestly, that's the best thing I've ever done
18:25The wizard has a point
18:27Just, erm...
18:29What was the wording of the task?
18:32It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket
18:35Right
18:35It's like a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, didn't it?
18:38A rocket
18:39Do you want me to take Rosie... Rosie's point off her?
18:43Yeah
18:43LAUGHTER
18:44Just look at Rosie... Look at Rosie when you say it
18:47Yeah, I do
18:48LAUGHTER
18:51Does the word a mean nothing these days?
18:54You are a prick today
18:56LAUGHTER
18:58That's...
18:58That's perfectly fine
18:59That's...
19:00I'm not...
19:01I'm not some pricks
19:02I'm a prick
19:03LAUGHTER
19:06APPLAUSE
19:13Do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:15What's the timing of this?
19:17Yeah, yeah, yeah
19:17You haven't yet said that
19:19You haven't...
19:20Alright, let's get to that first
19:21OK
19:22Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket in two minutes forty
19:27Yeah, let's take away the point
19:29LAUGHTER
19:32Jack pocketed rocket in one minute fifty-nine
19:35Wow
19:36That's...
19:36LAUGHTER
19:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's my boy
19:39That's my boy
19:41Yeah, it is...
19:42Everything he said
19:43I'm a back it
19:44Sorry?
19:46I've got news for you
19:47I am going to allow rocket
19:48And I want you to know this I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard
19:58Rocket stands in that case. It's one point to Emma two to Andy three to Bubba four to Rosie, but
20:03five to mr
20:04Jack Dean
20:10It is Bubba with your speedy rocket you are in joint first place with Jack D on eight points
20:22You
20:23Please do have another task. Oh, yes now for some physical art
20:39Yo, what's going on? Hello, Bubba man like you're on dry land dry land. Yeah. Yeah, you've been at sea
20:46No, it's a caravan bro. It's a submaravan
20:55There are you do
21:01We create a very much
21:05to the piece of art in
21:103D
21:12Most creative recreation recreation wins do I look like I go to our exhibitions
21:19I'll go to our exhibition my guy you have 20 minutes your time starts
21:25now
21:26right
21:27Famous 2d piece of art in 3d you understand it because I understand it was my
21:35You kept saying recreation creation instead of recreation, but yeah, um, they are the same spelling, aren't they?
21:45Well, I'm just excited to see these 3d art. Okay, we don't see a montage of them arting hard
21:51I want to see a hard art montage
22:01Noisy it's really noisy. I hate bloody flowers. Don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers
22:10It needs to go far corner far back as it goes, I think
22:22Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right. Uh, it's the last shit here
22:26Oh
22:28You start to see. Oh, yeah
22:30Yeah, okay
22:32The Andy Warhol ones
22:36Did he do baked bean tins?
22:41Soup?
22:41Baked beans is a lump of soup
22:51Does this look like a human mother?
22:53I need to get my thug pose on. I'm gonna look like a thug
22:58No gang affiliation over here, bruv
23:01Apart from the church. I go church. I gang bang for Jesus. You get me?
23:08I don't know if you're celebrating a goal, but really upset
23:10Oh, upset?
23:12Yeah
23:15Did you do that?
23:16Yeah
23:17Wow
23:18Yeah, did that
23:19I'm slipping in
23:21Oh
23:21Oh
23:22That feels gross
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:40He looks literally like the man came back to life
23:43Oh my God
23:45Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers?
23:49Why?
23:49You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers
23:51I quote
23:52I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers
23:56You know what it is?
23:57You know what it is?
23:57I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers
24:00Because when I'm walking on the street people will be like
24:02Oh, he's in the doghouse
24:03It's like I ain't in no damn doghouse
24:04You know what I'm saying?
24:06How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:08Uh oh
24:12Not including the ones you take off lampposts
24:21Emma, I'm already quite impressed because I already know what your painting is
24:24Really?
24:25It's Klimt, right?
24:26Yeah
24:27Well look, I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting
24:30Let's see it in all its glory
24:32Here we go
24:33MUSIC PLAYS
24:42That was quite a good one
24:47Thank you
24:49I mean, so rarely on this show that I just have to just say, oh, that's good
24:55Yeah, it was good
24:57The original sparked a sexual revolution, do you think hers will?
25:02I can't feel anything
25:05LAUGHTER
25:06Really good, Emma
25:07OK, well shall we see another?
25:09Yes
25:09Well, as you might have worked out, Andy Zaltzman took on the almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso
25:14Wow
25:15So first of all, we're going to look at the original
25:18Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful anti-war painting to help raise awareness
25:23and raise money during the Spanish Civil War, it's harrowing
25:26And here's Andy Zaltzman's 3D recreation
25:29LAUGHTER
25:38APPLAUSE
25:40LAUGHTER
25:40APPLAUSE
25:40It's good, isn't it?
25:43It's not beautiful, it could be fair
25:44I mean, we have to reward ambition
25:48It's incredibly ambitious
25:50I mean, I just feel, amongst the many things this show doesn't address, the pity of war is right up
25:56there
25:56LAUGHTER
25:58Cow's the wrong way round
26:00LAUGHTER
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you... you've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting?
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10Well done, wizard
26:11OK, well, next up, with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear
26:15Well, we already know this looks exactly like it
26:17LAUGHTER
26:17So we've got his face in the room
26:19Yep, it's Vincent Jack Goff, here we go
26:23LAUGHTER
26:37Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted than Vincent van Gogh?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:47Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday by comparison
26:50LAUGHTER
26:52Another one, really good
26:53This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57OK, time for another break
26:58And probably some more adverts for holidays in the sun
27:01Cost of living crisis
27:03Yeah, more like Costa del Sol living la vida loca crisis
27:07Let's whack it over to the credit cards
27:09Wayne Lineker, call me YOLO!
27:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24Hello again!
27:25Here we are, it's part three
27:28Some classic artworks are being brought to life in a three-dimensional way
27:32Cool, yeah, I love 3D
27:34But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff
27:36LAUGHTER
27:37Next up, who's the artist currently known as Rosie Jones?
27:42Blumer!
27:45Andy Warhol
27:47Clam
27:49Campbell suits
27:50LAUGHTER
27:53APPLAUSE
28:09It's really good, yeah, it's good
28:11Everyone liked it
28:12Did you like it?
28:14Not that much
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16One left, Greg
28:17Yes
28:18One left
28:19And this man doesn't go to art galleries
28:21He hates flowers
28:22It's Baba's turn
28:43Yes
28:44Of course I do
28:44Yes, yes
28:44Yes
28:44Do you like that, Greg?
28:50Tell me about that
28:50Yes
28:50Yes
28:51Yes
28:51Yes
28:51Yes
28:51Yes
28:51Yes
28:52Yes
28:52Yes
28:52Yes
28:52Yes, you do. You see the angle? You know what I'm saying?
28:54This is what I'm trying to say. I keep telling people I'm amazing.
28:58LAUGHTER
29:01Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D picks.
29:05Well, I'm going to have to give everyone a really high score, aren't I?
29:07And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:10So I'll give everyone five points.
29:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:18OK, what's next, please, Mr Alex Hall?
29:21OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub. Ooh!
29:27MUSIC PLAYS
29:28MUSIC PLAYS
29:36In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:42Lovely!
29:44Oh, we have company. Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:48LAUGHTER
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:51Do you want...? Yes, please. Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...?
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:56Yes.
29:58Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:12This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:20Oh, my God.
30:23Hiya.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys.
30:26You doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Great.
30:31I'll come and get your team name soon.
30:32I've got time to go to the toilet.
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking.
30:40Yeah.
30:40There's your answer sheet.
30:41You all right?
30:42OK.
30:43There's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK, enjoy.
30:46Anyone need anything?
30:47Good luck.
30:48Enjoy.
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:53I got that pub.
30:55Oh, my God.
30:55Do you think?
30:57I'm going to take a piece of beer.
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:05It's all common, you.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's up?
31:11One of you look after you.
31:12A little book of...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone?
31:16Save that now.
31:178-7-2.
31:18Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:20Cheers, mate.
31:21OK.
31:22Team name, please.
31:23GK, picky people.
31:25We're team honesty.
31:26Team honesty.
31:27That's funny.
31:28And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs, but like they're animals.
31:33Cheetahs?
31:34Just Cheetahs with a Z.
31:35C-H-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:40Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right.
31:42I'm just going to get my microphone and then we'll be off.
31:43Yeah.
31:43Yeah.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hm.
31:50I'm also married.
31:52Mm-hm.
31:52I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss and cheat.
31:54Right.
31:55Handshake?
31:56I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:58Yeah.
31:58Check that.
32:04I can remember what's in there.
32:06OK.
32:07All right, remember.
32:09Um, what's in your right hand?
32:11Nothing.
32:13It's just falling on the floor there.
32:15I will put the books in my area.
32:17Can I have the guide to the Beavers, please?
32:19And also AirPods out.
32:21You're so strict!
32:22Yes.
32:23Sorry, I didn't see it down there.
32:24Mm-hm.
32:24Sorry about that, bro.
32:25Excuse me.
32:27Hello? Hello?
32:28Pretty much back to square one.
32:29Hello?
32:30Is everyone here?
32:36Are you pub quizzers before we start?
32:38No.
32:39I think it's a waste of pub time.
32:42Every Monday.
32:43Thank you, Emma.
32:44Do you really, Emma?
32:45Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Hugh, what's your team called?
32:49Um, no arguments.
32:52Cos we have a problem with arguing,
32:55so one day we realised,
32:56oh, if we called no arguments,
32:57maybe we'll stop.
32:58Oh.
32:59So now we just argue on the way home.
33:02It's me and my husband.
33:06All right, then.
33:06You want to see the quiz?
33:07I want to see the quiz.
33:08OK, pens down, heads up or something.
33:11It's time to quiz!
33:13Welcome to the ship.
33:14Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:16OK, question one.
33:17What is the largest species of rodent?
33:20What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that.
33:24It's got a mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary Queen of Scots executed by her cousin?
33:31Elizabeth First, of course.
33:33In what year...
33:34I'm just going to faint choking.
33:36I got cramp.
33:38Oh!
33:39Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:41Oh, my God!
33:43Yeah.
33:44Oh, man.
33:46It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp.
33:48Oh, yes.
33:49Right.
33:49She just needs to be...
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Wait.
33:55Oh!
33:57There's a hat there, though.
33:58Moo!
34:00Moo!
34:03Moo!
34:03Moo!
34:04Moo!
34:04Yeah.
34:05Feeling better now.
34:06See you later.
34:08We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:09See you later.
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:14It's 500.
34:15Yeah.
34:15Do you think it's that?
34:16Yes.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:25Come down!
34:26Come down and help!
34:27What do you...
34:28Come down and help, mate!
34:29That's not really how it works.
34:30No, you don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:33Basically...
34:33Yeah.
34:34I feel so sick.
34:35OK.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:40OK, yeah, please.
34:45OK.
34:46Phone's away, please.
34:48I see what you're doing there.
34:53Round two.
34:54Sport!
34:55If I potted a red, then a black, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a pink,
35:03then a red, then a yellow, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a brown, then a
35:06red, then a green, then all the colours, what would my break be worth?
35:09I'll be honest with you, I think this is when we do a quick romantic cheat.
35:13Right.
35:15So can I just give you a quick...
35:17There we go.
35:18Let's never speak of it again.
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:28What is Sue...
35:29I need a sick bucket now!
35:31A big bucket.
35:33Yeah.
35:35Cool, Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry, I can't take your call.
35:39Come on, Sue!
35:40I'm going to need some water hockey.
35:41What?
35:41Hockey.
35:42Hockey.
35:43Hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey.
35:44Come to have a look.
35:47What is Sue Perkins?
35:52Hello, everyone.
35:53OK.
35:53Hiya!
35:54The answers.
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56No, sorry, we just got them all mixed up.
35:58Quick as you can, please.
36:00Let's swap with...
36:02As long as you don't have your own.
36:04As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course, please sit down,
36:09Kapubara.
36:1015.87.
36:12356 points.
36:13That would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is, football.
36:19It's hockey.
36:21It's not, it's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got a hand before we give her a call.
36:32Give her a call.
36:32I'm sorry, I don't want to be worried about this.
36:34Can we call her now?
36:34Give her a call now.
36:36Call her now.
36:36Put it on the speaker, let's hear it.
36:38Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry, I can't take your call, but I'm at the underwater hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, because I actually really love football.
36:52Underwater football.
36:53Have you just caught up the scores?
36:56The sporty foodie flag, guys.
36:59Yep.
36:59Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:07Didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two.
37:12Well, we got three.
37:14We thought we had got more.
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is...
37:17Well, misspelling.
37:17It's misspelling.
37:19Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:21Well done, guys.
37:22All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:26APPLAUSE
37:31I mean, some of the most ludicrous over acting.
37:34I mean, Jones went down within seconds, didn't she?
37:38Yeah, good friend.
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress
37:41when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:44I never trained, darling.
37:45I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show.
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he?
37:51Wasn't over acting?
37:53Yes.
37:53But there's more to come, right?
37:55They're only halfway through.
37:56They've both pretty much neck and neck.
37:57I've caught them a few times,
37:58but there is a second half to come.
37:59That's the end of part three.
38:01Come back for part four
38:02and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:05It'll be like watching your kid in a school play,
38:07except shorter and fun,
38:09and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:10by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:13Just me?
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show
38:29where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz
38:33where the two teams have to win by cheating
38:35at least five times
38:37without being caught by old eagle-eyes horn,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:40Here's how they get on.
38:43Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one.
38:45What is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again.
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro.
38:59Come on, man.
39:00We're getting drunk.
39:01Question three.
39:01Please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:04A delivery?
39:04Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:07This is the pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:10Yeah, you're right.
39:16Yeah, I don't think anyone saw that.
39:18Oh!
39:20Oh!
39:21Oh!
39:22What?
39:23What?
39:24There's no one there.
39:25Oh, God.
39:26What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33What?
39:39Oh, God.
39:41Oh, God!
39:42We are...
39:46Yo!
39:47Yo!
39:48Yo!
39:49Yo!
39:49Yo!
39:51Yo!
39:51Oh!
39:55OK.
39:57OK.
39:58This thing is inside.
40:01Hello, everyone.
40:02Hiya.
40:03Hiya.
40:04OK.
40:05The answers.
40:06Please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:09OK, what was I holding?
40:10What was redacted there?
40:12A colander.
40:15How did you know that?
40:17It's just the expression.
40:19It's a colander.
40:20And it was a colander?
40:21Yeah.
40:22I love the colander.
40:24Mmm.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Woo!
40:29Please get out.
40:29Thank you. Bye-bye.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:31Cheers, guys.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Bubba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God.
40:46But we subtract points from the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times,
40:54which means the team of three win the quiz.
40:56Wow!
40:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:59There we go.
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go.
41:07So four is the team of two.
41:08Five is the team of three!
41:09APPLAUSE
41:10Very good!
41:10Very good!
41:11Very good!
41:12Very good!
41:14Can we get the scores out?
41:15Yes, we can have a first look at the series scores if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Mm.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:21We've got Andy on 37, Bubba on 40, Emma on 42,
41:24then we jump to Rosie on 46, Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:28Woo!
41:29APPLAUSE
41:32OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:46What is going on?
41:49We found their doppelgangers!
41:51LAUGHTER
41:55It's uncanny!
41:57Are you just going to read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:04Russell Russell, Phil Phil, Mark Mark, Rob Rob and Pat Pat.
42:09When Alex blows his whistle,
42:11you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you
42:15or perform one action.
42:17The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark,
42:33Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50LAUGHTER
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:56If you correctly fill Phil or Mark Mark or Rob Rob or Russell Russell,
43:00you will get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:13Let's go.
43:14Rob.
43:16No.
43:16Phil.
43:17No.
43:18Russell.
43:18No.
43:19Mark.
43:20No.
43:20Pat.
43:21No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24Phil.
43:25No.
43:26Rob.
43:26Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark.
43:32Yes.
43:32Pat.
43:33Yes.
43:35Not yet!
43:36Sit down!
43:37Hey!
43:39Move!
43:40Now move!
43:41Now move!
43:42Move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:54It's Mark, Pack, Russell, Robin, Phil.
43:59Rob.
43:59Rob.
44:00Rob.
44:01Move!
44:01For...
44:02Good.
44:05Rob.
44:06Not mine.
44:07There has been a successful action.
44:10Move!
44:20We have a disqualification.
44:21Baba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair.
44:24He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Baba.
44:26At this rate, I don't care!
44:27Right.
44:29Move!
44:30OK.
44:32Oh, shit!
44:36That's definitely not his name.
44:41OK, we've got some more action.
44:42This is good.
44:43Move.
44:48We have more actions.
44:50Move, please.
44:50Move.
44:53We have action.
44:54I'm clear.
44:55I have a sticker.
44:56Please move.
45:02We have a disqualification.
45:03Jack D is gone.
45:04Jack's gone.
45:05Only three left in the game.
45:07Ray, you're going to kill me.
45:13Rosal.
45:14Mark.
45:15Phil.
45:17Yes!
45:19Go!
45:20OK.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:24Emma has one sticker.
45:25The Wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers.
45:29She's got two.
45:30I know.
45:31She's playing you, Emma.
45:32She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:37Move, move, move.
45:40Some action going on.
45:43The Wizard has another sticker.
45:45And move.
45:47We have more action here.
45:49The Wizard has three stickers.
45:55Four stickers.
45:59We could be approaching the end game.
46:04We are first.
46:05We are first.
46:09We will add those scores to the final score.
46:12Come down and join me.
46:13Yay!
46:20What a rush.
46:23All right.
46:24Well, as you saw, there was only five points to one person there and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:28The wizard
46:29Table today looks like this. He's only gone and done it the winner with 21 points
47:02You
47:06You
47:10You
47:12You
47:12You
47:12You
47:13You
47:14You
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