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Taskmaster - S18E07 - Captain Jackie and the Hotdog [Full Movie] [Full Series]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:16I
00:16Mean you're useless
00:37My job is simple objectively judge the performative attempts of five comedians
00:42The complication is I don't have a rational mind being as I am
00:46Drunk on testosterone and out of my mind on cake
00:52Combine this with the undeniable facts that some of our contestants are incompetent and we've got ourselves a recipe for
00:58one hell
00:59Of a car park fight. Let us meet them again. Now. They are
01:17Sitting next to me a man who looks like a haunted lighthouse keeper drawn by a friendless child
01:31Thank you
01:35What is the price task young fellow my lad yes showtime and for this episode's prize task
01:40They've been asked to bring in the object that is bigger than your head
01:44That you would most like to carry with you for the rest of your life if you had to carry
01:48an object with you for the rest of your life
01:50Five points for the one Greg thinks is best and all five will be carried home by the episode winner
01:55J'ai fini
01:55Merci
01:58Rosie Jones what objects have you brought in you would most like to carry around with you for the rest
02:03of your life?
02:03Okay, I'm very happy
02:07Yeah
02:11Your head
02:14Here it is
02:16Here it is
02:24So here's how I will carry it
02:28For the rest of her life
02:34I
02:37I
02:38Really think it will open doors for me
02:42Do you Rosie?
02:44People would see me come in and be like
02:49Greg
02:52Well that implies I look visually
02:55Like a relatively small woman with a massive puppy and maché hair
03:01I mean it's absolutely incredible
03:03Who's next Baba?
03:05Oh no
03:06After that like mine's genuinely boring like it's practical though. I bought speakers subwoofer speakers
03:13Yes Baba brought in this
03:17Boring innit?
03:19But I'm a lover of music and I
03:22That's the only thing I could find that was bigger than my head that I would genuinely love to carry
03:26around for the rest of my life
03:27You give me Bob Marley's greatest hits and that I'm sorted
03:30You're not one of those blokes in my local park who carries one of those
03:34Hell yes I am
03:34You're that guy
03:35I am that guy
03:36Mr. Middle Class
03:37Yes I am
03:40No, I don't
03:41I think you're more
03:41You're too considerate to be the speaker guy
03:43For who? I don't give a shit about anybody
03:47What I like about it Baba
03:48Yes
03:48Is that you genuinely would like to have a speaker
03:51100
03:51And it speaks very sweetly of your love of music
03:54Ever
03:55Okay, I wanted something that looked good
03:57Yeah
03:58And was lightweight and useful to me
04:01Sick
04:01Okay, so I brought in a hat
04:03This is a hat
04:04Okay
04:05Yes
04:06I like it
04:07To be fair it is a good hat
04:08Now
04:09But obviously I wanted it to be of some use to me
04:12Okay, so within the hat is inbuilt moisturiser
04:24Is moisturising very important to you?
04:26Absolutely
04:27I'm proudly
04:29Er
04:30No
04:30I'm proud to say that I suffer with
04:33I know
04:33Say it
04:34You're proudly what?
04:35I'm proudly dry
04:36I'm a dry woman
04:37And I like to be moist
04:40Oh, that's last
04:41Look, someone say that
04:42That's it
04:43That
04:46As you know I'm a singer songwriter
04:48Oh, I didn't know that
04:49Well, get over it
04:51LAUGHTER
04:52If I have to carry around an item for the rest of my life
04:55It's bigger than my head
04:56Yeah
04:56It would be this
04:57I wrote a ditty because as I said I'm a singer songwriter
05:01And it explains the prize a bit more
05:03So here you go
05:08This is my prize
05:11It's bigger than my head
05:13This is my prize
05:15I brought him for Greg
05:20It's not for Alex
05:21Nothing rhymes with his name
05:24That's not his fault
05:26He's got his parents to blame
05:28This is the good bit, right?
05:31Oh, can you believe your eyes
05:36It's my taskmaster prize
05:40There you go
05:41How about that?
05:47It's really sweet, Jack
05:48There's only one left
05:49Andy Zaltzman
05:50You look fabulous
05:51Thanks, mate
05:52You're welcome
05:53Eyes up
05:56The object I brought in that's bigger than my head
05:57That I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life
05:59Is a rhinoceros's head
06:01That fires cricket balls out of its mouth
06:04Oh, God
06:05Yeah, here we go
06:06Action
06:14I guarantee you carry that with you for the rest of your life
06:16You'll have a lot of interesting chats with strangers
06:19Is that something that the rest of you would like to win?
06:22If that was on my street
06:23That going on
06:24I would go
06:25Well, look
06:26I'm not safe
06:27I have to move boroughs
06:28Right
06:28She is mad
06:30She is mad
06:31And then, as soon as you finish that sentence
06:33Off comes the lid
06:38All right, let's give some points, though
06:40Yes, please
06:41Right
06:41Right, I'm going to give five points to Emma
06:43Oh, God
06:44I can't really distinguish between a papier-mâché rhinoceros that fires balls and a papier-mâché me with breasts
06:50So I'll give those two four points
06:52I'll give Jack three points
06:54And I'm giving Baba two just because I like the fact that he loves music
06:57And why not reward sweetness?
06:58There it goes
06:59Five points
07:02Well, first of all, we're going to see how the cast copes with ropes
07:26Good morning, Andy
07:27Morning
07:27Morning, Alex
07:28Thanks
07:29So what's happening?
07:31Well, I don't want you to look up
07:33You don't want me to look up?
07:34No, thank you
07:35OK
07:37Don't look up, please, Rosie
07:38No, is that why you're wearing the hat?
07:43That's exactly why you're wearing the visor
07:46Ring the bell
07:50You may not look up
07:53Fewest ropes pulled wins
07:55You have a maximum of ten minutes
08:00Your time starts now
08:02The S of starts is with a five
08:04I think someone was supposed to put an S, but they put a five
08:08Right
08:08So it's time start five now
08:11You don't think that was deliberate?
08:12Oh, so what? I've only got five minutes
08:15No, you've got ten minutes
08:16LAUGHTER
08:21So the five font thing is causing consternation
08:25Oh, it got in their heads, Greg
08:26Got into their heads
08:28Let's go
08:29We're going to see Andy first
08:30Let's see if this rings a bell
08:32So I want to assume there's a bell above me
08:37OK, right
08:40I feel like I'm missing a clue somewhere
08:44There's nothing in there
08:45Could be B-11 rather than bell
08:48Well, maybe I'll try number one
08:53A lot of balls
08:54No bells
08:56Oh, hang on
08:59Have you pulled rope number eight yet?
09:01Well, no, I haven't
09:03Right
09:03Yes
09:04Does that mean I should pull it?
09:05I mean
09:06Again, I...
09:07Are there any other messages in there?
09:08That's...
09:08That's half your time gone, Andy
09:10Right, okay
09:12I can't, like, call Ian Bell the cricketer on my phone
09:15That doesn't count
09:15Do you have his number?
09:17No, I don't
09:18Well, I'll try an eight rope
09:28I see I've pulled eight
09:29Yeah, it's just a long rope
09:30I feel like this has nothing to do with the ropes
09:37That's not a bell by the looks of it
09:40Oh, it's like a number seven
09:42Might as well
09:46Why not four?
09:52Oh, that's the cat, obviously
09:56Doesn't appear to have a bell in
09:57No, Bell, no
09:58You never know
09:59Some breeds of cat do
10:00Right
10:02There's no real way of emerging from this with any form of dignity
10:06No!
10:07Is that Ian Bell up there?
10:08Did I just ring Ian Bell?
10:09Right, there's two ropes left
10:16Okay
10:17That's the end of the time
10:19I didn't ring a bell particularly there
10:22No, I didn't hear any bells
10:23Right
10:23No
10:23That's a shame
10:24Quite a mess as well
10:31So it's taken me a long time to work out about you
10:34Yeah
10:34You sort of have the countenance and employ the vernacular of a scientist
10:37Yes
10:37But I wrote down what you actually did there
10:40Yeah
10:40Which was to randomly pull all the ropes
10:43Yes
10:43Fail the tasks
10:45Whilst occasionally banging on about cricket again
10:48Yeah
10:50Yeah, but then you look back through the history of science, Greg
10:52What did Isaac Newton do?
10:53He just sat under trees till something fell on his head
10:56So is it really that different?
10:58Said something about Googlies?
10:59Yeah, yeah
11:01Basically, Andy did very badly
11:03He pulled all the ropes
11:04There were lots of numbers hidden around the ropes
11:05But they didn't mean anything at all
11:06Next
11:07Okay
11:07Right, next it's the Dee family
11:10Jack Dee and Bubba Tundee
11:11Here we go
11:13Not all of them are connected to a bell
11:15Okay
11:16It's a game of luck
11:18You know, so I'm slightly lost interest
11:20Right
11:20But we'll go for it
11:23Oh!
11:24Ah!
11:25I don't want to pull anything!
11:28Oh, I like that
11:29Yeah
11:30Okay
11:31You know what?
11:32This one's furthest away
11:37No bell
11:38I'm not just going to go through them
11:39There's no skill in this
11:42Right
11:45No, I see, yeah
11:47See what I mean?
11:48I was
11:49Yeah, I guess so
11:50What am I supposed to do?
11:50React
11:53No!
11:56No!
11:59That's a watermelon
12:02Umbrellas
12:04I'm tempted to do this one
12:06But I don't want to
12:07Because I just don't want nothing weird falling on me
12:10Oh, that's not traumatising
12:26Nooo!
12:26Boom!
12:28There's no bell
12:29There's no bell
12:30There's no bell
12:32There's no bell?
12:34Wait, what?
12:35You've got seven minutes left
12:38Oh!
12:44There might be a bell in the music
12:48Yeah
12:52Great, yeah
12:53Happy?
12:54Yeah, I've stopped the clock
12:55Are you happy?
12:56Yeah, I've found the bell
12:57Yeah
12:57I've found the bell
12:59I'll go and get dry now
13:01I'll just, yeah
13:02Yeah
13:04It's great fun
13:05Isn't it?
13:08Oh!
13:08Oh!
13:10Oh!
13:10Oh!
13:19Father, you look like you're having the time in your life pulling those ropes
13:21No, I was a bit traumatised to be fair
13:24Were you?
13:25Yes, because I don't like these
13:26I don't like doing things where I don't know what's on the other end
13:30Yeah
13:31You came to the wrong show
13:34Two more contrasting catchphrases you couldn't hear
13:37Baba shouting, life is about the now
13:41And Jack saying, it's entirely random so I've lost interest
13:44It was like day 34 of these tasks
13:49And it was beginning to wear thin on me and...
13:52No way!
13:53Yeah, I know, I put all my energy into concealing that
13:56Because I know it's a fun show
13:58Yeah
13:59And they both did eventually ring a bell after pulling ten ropes
14:03So they got exactly the same result
14:05Break time now and a chance to continue the housework
14:08Maybe make the kids pack lunches, load the dishwasher
14:11Or chuck that lump you married into the street
14:14Imagine having the bed to yourself
14:16It's not like it's been used for anything else
14:18LAUGHTER
14:20We'll see you in a minute
14:22APPLAUSE
14:28APPLAUSE
14:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:34Well again, welcome back into The Fold. It's part two
14:37and there's a rope-pulling bell ring in Tuscan play.
14:40We've only got two perspective campanologists to go
14:43It's Rosie and Emma!
14:55What are you doing, Emma?
14:57I'm just, erm...
14:59I'm... I'm walking backwards
15:02Right
15:03It says you pulled it, but can I shake it?
15:10When you use something, you can zoom in
15:12But in real life, you have to do it with your body
15:14So if you want to see something close up
15:16You're zooming out?
15:17Yeah, I'm zooming out
15:18Right
15:19I'm not pulling it!
15:21I'm not pulling it!
15:27That didn't help, actually, quite as much as I wanted
15:30MUSIC PLAYS
15:39Fuck
15:41Does any of your whole feel quite like?
15:47Is it all there?
15:50I'll be honest with you, it's not going well at all
15:53Look
15:54Mmm
15:57Fuck me
15:58Her bell
16:03That's her bell!
16:06Oh my god!
16:10I think I joined it
16:13Zero ropes pulled
16:14I'm just zooming out again
16:17Yep, yep
16:18Don't pull off a chair
16:20I rang it one
16:26Okay
16:27I'm good at this
16:29See you later
16:30See you later
16:30I'm very, very good
16:36Yet again, another example of your crushingly low self-esteem
16:40Mm-hmm
16:41The last thing you said as you leave
16:42I'm good at this
16:43Beat
16:44I'm very good
16:46Can you argue with me though?
16:50Yeah, sure
16:51Why did you spend ages shaking the ropes?
16:54You need to get some footage!
17:10That's how she knew the odds
17:13That's how she knew the odds
17:13I don't believe it!
17:14Yeah
17:14You can feel what?
17:16Nothing!
17:17Nothing!
17:18So you were shaking to see if there was a bow
17:20Yeah
17:21Okay
17:21You need to wake up, mate
17:26And this coming from a woman who appears to have a zoom lens system
17:34As it went on, I was like, this is actually, there's something in this
17:39There's something in zooming in and out of things
17:42With your body
17:43With your body and head
17:45People did that for thousands and thousands of years
17:47The original zoom
17:49Yeah
17:49And you would know
17:50Yeah
17:51The original zoom
17:53Oh, she's turned on you, Andy
17:56She's turned on you
18:00X2, Emma
18:03She ran the bell though
18:04Yeah, she ran the bell
18:05She only pulled one rope
18:06Okay
18:06And so it's pretty clear
18:07Andy doesn't get any points
18:09He didn't do the task
18:10Joint third
18:11Bubba and Jack both get three points
18:13Emma gets four points
18:14Rosie didn't pull any
18:15She gets five points
18:16That's it
18:17Yay
18:20Do you want to look at a scoreboard, then?
18:22We can
18:22Both at the top of the leaderboard with nine points
18:24Emma and Rosie
18:25Joint first
18:26CHEERING
18:29I'd like another task, please
18:30I don't believe you, but here you go anyway
18:51Rosie!
18:53Oh, I see
18:53Yep
18:54Hello
18:57You're dressed as a hot dog, Rosie?
18:59Yeah
19:00I'm feeling confident
19:03Andy, you're in this chair, so would you mind just popping this on your lap and then poking your head
19:08through the hole?
19:09If you pop your head through there, it should go
19:11LAUGHTER
19:13Oh, that's perfect
19:14That's dope
19:15Suits you, brother
19:16You look lovely, Jackie
19:19Thank you
19:20Thank you
19:21Captain Jackie and the hot dog
19:30Look out what is in the box
19:32You must not look, feel or inspect the box in any way
19:37Your teammate must not show you the contents of the box
19:46They may only make silent facial expressions unless answering Alex's questions
19:52Your teammate must not nod or shake the head
20:01Fastest to work out what's in the box wins
20:04Your time starts and ends on Alex's whistle
20:07Here I come
20:14Mm-hmm
20:15OK
20:15Yep
20:17Can you get your bum out of our face, man?
20:28LAUGHTER
20:30I've got something just for you there
20:31Oh, right, OK
20:34You must lie throughout the next task
20:39Born to do it
20:40Every time you tell the truth, everyone in your team will lose an actual taskmaster point
20:45Your time starts when you walk into the task room
20:48And ends when you leave after the task is complete
20:55Stick out your tongue if it was a food
21:05Did you not realise that this little weasel had implemented the opposite system?
21:10I feel quite sad
21:15I've been let down my jacket
21:18I was doing it for your best interest, Rosie
21:22I was...
21:23Honestly...
21:24I would never let you down ordinarily
21:25But there were points to play for here
21:29It's really sweet to see that there's such sadness between two very tight teammates
21:34Yeah
21:35Yeah
21:35And I think implementing the Joker on a team task shows a great deal of faith in your team mate
21:41Yeah
21:41Because as soon as I found out that I was on a team of Jackie
21:49I was like, he's my comedy hero
21:55And...
21:55Oh...
21:56Yeah
21:59Oh...
22:00That's...
22:02Um...
22:03He won't let me down
22:05You won't let me down
22:06Do you think that the faith that you have in Jackie, your comedy hero, is reciprocated the other way?
22:14Let's have a look at this clip
22:16Um...
22:17Get to Jackie and the hot dog
22:25Hmm...
22:26There are loyalties about to be stretched
22:28There are friendships at risk
22:30Well, first we're going to see the team of three
22:32And Andy's little face doing its best to convey what's in the box to Baba and Emma
22:37whilst lying
22:40Stick out your tongue if it was a food
22:46So it wasn't a food
22:46Wasn't food
22:48Um...
22:49Andy, stick out your tongue if it's related to one of us
22:55There you go
22:56Stick out your tongue if it's figurines of us
23:02Figurines of us?
23:03Have they worked out what's in the box yet, Andy?
23:04Er, yes
23:06Well, I don't think you have, sir
23:07Well, you two gotta have it out now because who thinks it is?
23:12OK, is the lining plush like velvet?
23:18Velvet lining
23:19Andy, do you actually know what velvet is?
23:21Ooh
23:21No
23:23Andy is lying!
23:25Everything that Andy says is a lie
23:27Are you lying, Andy?
23:29No
23:29This man doesn't know what velvet is
23:31Look at him, he's Andy's altzman
23:33He knows what velvet is
23:34Right
23:35Is it something you can eat?
23:37Stick out your tongue
23:39So it is something you can eat
23:42Is it cheese?
23:44Is it canned fish?
23:47Is it fish?
23:48Is it baked beans?
23:50Is it old bread?
23:51Is it something that a prepper would have in their house?
23:54What's a prepper?
23:56You know, so the end of the world is coming
23:58You stock up all your cans
23:59The end of the world isn't coming
24:02Alex!
24:03What do we do?
24:06Andy, is it peas?
24:09Is it brussel sprouts?
24:11Is it kale?
24:12Andy
24:12Andy
24:13Andy, is it boiled?
24:14Did it smell?
24:15Could you pickle it?
24:16Was it an onion?
24:17Is it a cucumber?
24:17Is it an orange?
24:19Is it a mango?
24:20Is it strawberry?
24:21Oh my god
24:27Blueberries
24:28Kiwi
24:29Lime
24:30Lemon
24:31Lemon
24:32It's lemons
24:33I think it's lemons, you know
24:35Andy
24:36Is it like lemons and Bible or something?
24:41Interesting
24:42Lemons and the dictionary
24:44Is it written text?
24:46Could you read it?
24:48Could you read it and enjoy it?
24:52No
24:52It's boring
24:53It's like numbers
24:55It's lemons and reams of data
24:57Are there any numbers in there, Andy?
24:59No
25:01Money
25:02It's lemons and money
25:04It's lemons and ten quid
25:06It's lemons and a five pound note
25:11I don't think you should set the clip
25:13You're half right
25:14It's lemons and
25:15Two and pound fifty
25:16There's one lemon
25:18There's one lemon
25:19One lemon and a five pound note
25:21Oh my god
25:22You've got to be kidding me, Glenn
25:24Oh my god
25:26Are you joking?
25:32It's just genuinely impressive, wasn't it?
25:35Yes, it is
25:37The turning point when you realise the system
25:40Based on the fact that it was preposterous that Andy Zaltzman wouldn't know what velvet is
25:46You think that Zaltzman doesn't know what velvet is?
25:50He sleeps atop a velvet bed!
25:53It's our little secret, Greg
25:54So Emma worked out the opposite system
25:57She worked out it was opposites day fairly early, within about eight minutes
26:00Yeah
26:01But then there was another half an hour before
26:03Before they got it
26:04116 guesses altogether
26:06I can tell you that Andy did not tell the truth at any point
26:09So there's no points docked
26:11Yes, indeed
26:12Right, time to watch some adverts and wipe those crumbs off your chest
26:18Yeah, they've been there the whole time
26:27APPLAUSE
26:33Hi!
26:34Welcome back!
26:35It's part three of Taskmaster and a tricky team task is in the final throws
26:39Yes, there's only Jack and Rosie to go and Rosie's dressed as a hot dog
26:43So double points for her at the end of the task
26:46But actual points can be lost if Jack tells the truth to her
26:49So maybe potentially double negative points for Rosie?
26:52We don't know
26:52It's all very exciting
26:54And here we go
26:55Is it food?
26:58Is it a fruit?
27:02A banana?
27:05Apple?
27:07Grapes?
27:12Ah!
27:13Ah!
27:15Ah!
27:16Ah!
27:17Ah!
27:17Um, is it a citrus?
27:20Ah!
27:21Ah!
27:24Lemon!
27:26Ah!
27:29Lemon...
27:30Lemon...
27:30Bleach!
27:34Ah!
27:35Ahh!
27:37Jack, it's sweet
27:38Along the right lines definitely. I think it's only a matter of seconds before she guesses all the items right
27:45in the box
28:05I don't think it is a book a living creature
28:12I told a rubber duck
28:21Jack do you think Rosie should ask much much more specific questions? I think her approach of just scattergun guesses
28:28is
28:29He's eventually gonna do it
28:31All right
28:32It could take a few months
28:33Is it made of glass?
28:37Metal
28:39Is it made of paper?
28:51Oh
28:54Oh morning
28:56Oh
28:58Is it five pounds?
29:01Woohoo
29:02Five pounds and eleven
29:10I put it to you that Rosie's guesses were entirely arbitrary and that wasn't helped by Jack who was openly
29:17talking at times
29:18and
29:19Never at any point as far as I could work out doing what he was told and doing the opposite
29:24Oh, that's not fair
29:28You can't tell a lie with a facial expression
29:30Yes, you can Joe
29:31No, no, no you can't
29:33Otherwise my wife has been lying to me for a long time
29:37That I do not accept
29:39We'll repeat two of the rules
29:41They may only make silent facial expressions
29:44They must not nod or shake their head
29:47Yes
29:47Yes
29:47Okay, okay
29:48So that part of the task was told to me at least 20 minutes before that happened
29:53Yeah
29:54I can't remember stuff for that long and just make it work
29:58Oh, oh, well then four points to cut it
30:00How are you feeling in all this Rosie?
30:04Why did you pop me with granddad?
30:11So the rules for the liars were a point docked for their team every time they told the truth
30:17Yes
30:18I would say there was generally only three occasions where she asked a question and he openly nodded or shook
30:24his head
30:24So we're docking three points
30:26So I guess the question is do you want to dock the hot dog six points?
30:31Dock six, dock six
30:34Yes
30:35My understanding if you play your joker you get double points
30:38Correct, that's always said
30:40There's no suggestion in the event of an abject failure that you should be docked double points
30:46But I also think that they had to stick to the rules and they didn't stick to them
30:49So this team won the task, they get five points each?
30:51Correct
30:52Minus three to the table of two
30:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:57That's okay
30:58I've got, let's pack on, what's next though?
31:01OK, well, Greg, all the information is in the snacks
31:15Hello
31:16Emma
31:17Great to see you
31:18Great to see you
31:19That's what I said
31:21OK
31:22I love fortune cookies
31:28Eat and obey five fortune cookies
31:30Fastest wins, your time starts now
31:36Oh, man
31:39I don't want to do, like, some weird stuff, bro
31:43So I could get pedantic about what obey means
31:46I'm into obey a fortune cookie, you know
31:48Jump up and down
31:50You know
31:51LAUGHTER
31:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:56Secretly on this show, Baba has announced that he doesn't want to do something weird
31:59And he's just come to the wrong show
32:01LAUGHTER
32:03Genuinely loved this one
32:04It's Rosie and Baba
32:06LAUGHTER
32:09We're off
32:10Erm
32:39LAUGHTER
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