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00:22Hello and welcome to Top Gear, ambitious but rubbish.
00:27As highbrow TV programmes go, this is not one of them.
00:34Top!
00:35That was majestic!
00:38Stop!
00:40I may be going sideways slightly.
00:45Now, every winter in Britain, people complain that roads get blocked by snow and there aren't enough snow ploughs.
00:52That's because snow ploughs are expensive, but do they have to be?
00:57We thought not, so we set out to create a cheaper snow plough by basing it on an existing vehicle,
01:03one that usually lies idle during winter months, the combine harvester.
01:11This is the result of our endeavours.
01:25And straight away, you can see, we've removed the rotating, cutty, harvesty blade thing off the front,
01:30and replaced it with this snow blade.
01:33It's V-shaped because that makes it more easy to cut through the snow.
01:37And this should be able to move through snow up to three feet deep. No problem.
01:44Power comes from a V8 diesel engine which drives these chunky front wheels.
01:50And in the snow, as any BMW driver will tell you, front wheel drive is a lot better than rear
01:55wheel drive.
01:56And the combine, when you think about it, it's almost as though it was designed with snow clearance in mind.
02:01It's uncanny, everything about it, you've got the ground clearance, knobbly tyres, front wheel drive, the weight of it.
02:06It's all there.
02:08It's one of those times on Top Gear where you look and think, actually, actually...
02:12We've accidentally been a bit clever.
02:14This might work.
02:17Since the Dominator has a top speed of just 12 miles an hour,
02:21it was easy to decide which one of us would be the driver.
02:27What happens if I put it on full?
02:31I don't like that.
02:34Give me the beans!
02:35Faster!
02:37It's not like a rally car.
02:40You can see rear wheel steering, look.
02:43It's not very sensitive steer.
02:49Oh, .
02:50There is, of course, one tiny drawback to the combine as a snowplough
02:56because it was designed to work in August.
02:59It has no heater.
03:00Yeah.
03:01Which is why there's a drum in there.
03:03You can probably see through the window.
03:05And that's...
03:05Well, it's an urn.
03:07We've put that in there.
03:09Full of...
03:09Well, we wanted tea.
03:11But James said, I want Bovril.
03:12Because he's in 1950.
03:14We all know that when it's snowing and it's cold, you have Bovril.
03:17That's a rule of life.
03:20He likes to paint himself all over in it.
03:22It's like...
03:22It's like baby oil to him.
03:24That's what he does.
03:25Bovril.
03:26Him and his lorry driver friends all Bovruled up.
03:29And then they slip about.
03:30That's what they do.
03:35Besides attaching a plough on the front, we'd also converted the tube that normally shoots out the harvested wheat into
03:42a makeshift gritter.
03:47I shall be responsible for shoveling the grit from here into this hopper there.
03:51Should be good at this because my first job was in fact shoveling grit into a water filtration plant.
03:56Go on then. Shovel.
03:58Right.
03:58Late shoveling.
03:59And while he's doing that, I shall explain my role.
04:03I can use this lever here to swing the arm to direct the flow of grit either onto the pavement
04:10or onto the road behind.
04:12Yes.
04:13Look at this.
04:14OK, James.
04:16Initiating gritting.
04:19Revs.
04:25Yes!
04:26And there was grit!
04:28We've made a gritting machine!
04:31But there was one more check we wanted to do.
04:37You know what it's like when you're following the gritting lorry on the motorway and there's that...
04:40You think, oh, no, it's turning my car into a DeLorean.
04:44Yeah, exactly.
04:44So, to make sure this isn't too powerful, we've got Hammond in a car who's just going to come in
04:49here.
04:50We're going to do a little experiment, fire the gritter at it, make sure it doesn't actually take the paint
04:54off.
04:54OK?
04:54It'll be all right sideways, won't it?
04:56Yeah, yeah.
05:00OK, James.
05:01Engage.
05:03Initiating gritting.
05:08Oh, God! Stop it, James! There's been a problem! Make it stop!
05:14Gritting ceased.
05:19Apart from the fact the grit would kill the occupants of any car it hit, we felt the Dominator was
05:24ready to start work.
05:28But there was a problem.
05:34It's not going to snow, is it?
05:36With crossed fingers, we tuned into the weather forecast.
05:40Matthew, good afternoon.
05:41We're going to see a change in our weather later on this week.
05:43Temperatures really starting to climb, things heading much milder.
05:46We've had a fair bit of cloud around already.
05:48Good evening.
05:49Well, the good news is there's absolutely no sign of the cold air returning in the near future.
05:53It's a very mild outlook.
05:54The reason we've got all this warm air, it's pumping up from the tropics.
05:58What is it?
05:58Oh, all right.
05:59We don't have to rub it in, doesn't he?
06:01He sounds all gleeful about it.
06:04So, if the snow wouldn't come to the Dominator, we would take the Dominator to the snow.
06:14Here in Norway, we decided to clear the snow from a frozen lake to make a runway.
06:20And then a gnaw would land his plane on it.
06:25This is quite snowy.
06:27It must have snowed.
06:29We knew the ice would be thick enough for a light aircraft.
06:32But what about our heavy snowbine?
06:37Oh!
06:38Oh!
06:39I thought you'd been drilling for hours!
06:41That was ten seconds and you...
06:42Don't move.
06:43Just...
06:44Has that gone through?
06:45Yes.
06:48Norwegians actually have a chart to say how much weight you can put on various thicknesses of ice.
06:55So, how thick is it?
06:5745 centimetres.
06:5845 centimetres.
06:59So, it's, well, say 50.
07:00No, let's say 40.
07:01Well, it's 45.
07:02So, 50 centimetres of ice, 12 tonnes.
07:07Combine's more than the tonnes.
07:0913 tonnes.
07:09It's 13 tonnes.
07:10So, we can't do it?
07:12Well, it's only a tonne over.
07:16Bravely, Hammond and the optimistic Jeremy decided not to be on board as I gingerly drove the snowbine out of
07:22the woods.
07:25Bloody big, this thing.
07:27Towards the ice.
07:29Three yards to the lake.
07:31This is it!
07:37I don't like that noise.
07:45Eventually, though, I made it.
07:47Did I or did I not say we'd be all right?
07:50Yeah.
07:50Was that not based entirely on guesswork anyway?
07:53Yes.
07:57But, as my guesswork was correct, we set to work.
08:05We're ploughing.
08:09We're ploughing, chaps. Look at this.
08:14Yeah!
08:15Here we go!
08:17The snowbine is done.
08:20It works!
08:23Yeah!
08:25Come on!
08:26Come on!
08:28Yeah, yeah!
08:30This is...
08:31Ooh!
08:34I think we've just gone through it.
08:37Yeah, we have.
08:38That's not an emergency.
08:39It's just time to empty your bowels.
08:42Sinking!
08:43Sinking!
08:45Bravely, Jeremy dismounted.
08:47Hi, James. Back it up.
08:49And started issuing orders.
08:54That is sinking badly.
08:56Put your blade down, James.
08:58Because that's just gone through again.
09:00When the combine finally moved, we could see the scale of the peril.
09:05Oh!
09:07Oh!
09:08That's 300 metres deep.
09:10Oh, it's just...
09:12It's just water.
09:15However, unlike the snowplough people at Heathrow Airport, we decided not to just give up.
09:22Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Heathrow last year because of the weather?
09:303,700.
09:31Do you know how many flights were cancelled at Oslo because of the weather?
09:36Two times.
09:38Two.
09:39Heathrow, 3,700.
09:41Because we had one bit of snow.
09:43And as we were proving, all that misery was completely unnecessary.
09:49There really is no excuse.
09:51Heathrow, BAA, if you're watching this, you're pathetic.
09:55And if anybody in a meeting says, oh, well, the reason why it was shut is, sack him.
10:00There is no reason why it was shut because it isn't difficult to clear a runway.
10:06It just isn't.
10:07My rant was interrupted at this point by news from below decks.
10:12The bovril's boiling...
10:15The bovril's boiling over.
10:17And up top, Hammond was still fretting about the ice.
10:23Oh, my God.
10:25That's another crack there, look.
10:27Yeah.
10:28When we go through, it's going to be worse for him.
10:32Oh, God, yes.
10:33Because he will be pawing at the glass.
10:35Desperate.
10:36Right now, though, he was pawing at the steering wheel.
10:40James!
10:42James, stay right, you idiot.
10:44Stay right. It's a straight line we're looking for.
10:47Yeah, I think this will be a tricky landing, actually, James.
10:49They got into a tank slapper.
10:52Look where we're pointing.
10:54James, the trees indicate land.
10:57Eventually, though, James mastered the rear wheel steer.
11:01I'm waiting to look behind us and see a runway completely light and everything.
11:05That isn't happening, but it's not bad, look.
11:08And pretty soon, the runway was finished.
11:13So we pulled over and radioed the pilot, giving him permission to laugh.
11:19It's not the smoothest runway.
11:22No, but there's less snow on it than there was.
11:26It is smooth enough, isn't it?
11:27Well, we're about to find out who he comes.
11:37Look at that.
11:38Job done.
11:39Ladies and gentlemen.
11:41We did that.
11:44Sadly, though, our celebrations were premature.
11:50Oh, oh, my God.
11:52Yeah, that is quite bumpy.
11:56He's crashed.
11:57He has pretty much crashed there.
12:00At a time like this, there's only one thing a man can do.
12:03Right, quick.
12:05Go.
12:05Go.
12:05Just get in.
12:06Go.
12:08Right, James, run.
12:22I am the God of Hellfire.
12:25And I bring you fire.
12:28Yes!
12:29I like it.
12:31As we entered the town, we all went to action stations.
12:34I'm turning the bubble roll on.
12:37Give him more revs.
12:40Yeah, we got grit.
12:41Hammond, you got good grit.
12:44Unfortunately, the communications were a bit ropey.
12:48James!
12:49Stop!
12:51Stop!
12:52We've hit the building!
12:53Fans are on.
12:54Going forwards.
12:56Oh, God!
12:56Stop!
12:57Don't stop!
12:58Stop!
12:59James, James, stop!
13:01No, drive.
13:02No, don't stop.
13:03Drive.
13:03Drive, James.
13:04Drive.
13:04Just drive away.
13:06He did it!
13:07Annoyingly, it was a dead end, so James had to do a three-point turn,
13:12which he's not that good at in a normal car.
13:18Stop!
13:18Stop!
13:19Stop!
13:20Stop!
13:20But, if I'm honest, Jeremy and I weren't much help.
13:25Now!
13:26Now!
13:26Hard turn left!
13:27Hard left!
13:28Hard left!
13:28Hard left!
13:29Up to the right!
13:29To the right!
13:30Not now!
13:31Yeah, not now. To the top of the slope, not now.
13:33Oh, maybe straighten up a bit now.
13:37Straighten up now.
13:38I've also had a wing.
13:39Can you give me sort of clear instructions rather than a load of hysteria?
13:43I've no idea what's going on here.
13:47After much palaver, we finally broke free.
13:51We've damaged it quite badly at the back.
13:53And that house?
13:55Yeah, but it's OK because we have gritted at least 30 feet of road.
14:00Yeah.
14:05On the high street, we had yet more success.
14:14I'm in a Ford Sierra Cosmos seat with a flamethrower.
14:19Not possible to be happier than that.
14:22Here we go, burning the bank.
14:25We're gritting.
14:27We're flamethrowing.
14:29We've done a bit of ploughing.
14:30It's all marvellous.
14:34It's like we're International Rescue.
14:37We are Thunderbirds, cruising Norway, looking for people who need our services.
14:42I have to do the three-point turn now, champs.
14:45We're at the end.
14:46I'll provide the rear lighting.
14:49It's like a reversing light, though.
14:51Yeah, kind of.
14:52It is.
14:52Look.
14:54When Jeremy fires his flamethrower, I can see a little bit in that mirror.
14:59Keep going backwards, Jeremy.
15:00Keep going backwards.
15:01Keep going backwards.
15:01Keep going backwards.
15:03Oh, look.
15:04No, no, no, no, no, no.
15:05Look what I've done.
15:06What have you done?
15:07Run, go.
15:08Go, go, go.
15:10Again, there was only one thing to do.
15:13Are we running away?
15:15I've no idea what's happening.
15:19After much driving around and doing things, we were hungry, and the tank was empty.
15:26Dive in here for fuel and a bag of crisps, mate, and then we'll carry on.
15:32Whoa!
15:33Does he realise how much the back swings out?
15:38I'm going to clear this thing of snowfall, and that'll make him happy.
15:42Watch this.
15:45Cock!
15:51I was trying to clear that thing of snow. It's got a car in it.
15:56I was going to be helpful and clear that, and it just, there was a car.
15:59What, a car?
16:00No, no, it was covered in snow. I thought it was a pile of snow.
16:02It's not covered in snow.
16:03No, it's not now, you moron. It was. I thought, I said...
16:05Why did you run the car?
16:06You ran into a car.
16:08I didn't. I was trying to be helpful.
16:10There was only one thing to do.
16:12Go, run away, run away. Run, run.
16:18So far then, we'd crashed a plane, ruined a car, burned a sign and smashed a house.
16:24And then, things got worse.
16:30Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
16:31I'm jammed. The flamethrower's jammed. The flamethrower is jammed.
16:36What are you doing, James?
16:38God the... I can see a yellow, a yellow mist in the mirrors.
16:44Oh, God.
16:46There's a man on fire.
16:48James, Jeremy, set fire to a skier and run away.
16:51Run away.
16:52I think if we do get reported to the police,
16:56it's not going to take them very long to find us.
16:59Still, as we weren't actually being stoned by an angry mob,
17:03we went to bed that night, feeling quite cheerful.
17:07Oh, God.
17:08However, the next morning, there was bad news.
17:18What does it actually say? Is it upbeat?
17:21I don't think it's going to be upbeat, is it?
17:28An incredibly small man knocked my house.
17:32Morning.
17:33We're in the paper.
17:36No, no, no, no.
17:37That's good if it says, well, a good service would provide it with cleared snow.
17:40No, it's not.
17:40A man who looked like a dog crashed into one of my trees.
17:44I don't think it's a good idea to stay here anymore.
17:47Can I make a suggestion?
17:48Yes.
17:48Since this is a sort of prototype and we're testing it,
17:51why don't we go and test it on, I don't know, a country road where there's just snow.
17:55No people.
17:56No people or cars or buildings or trees or benches.
17:59Let's just try and clear some snow.
18:02This was a good idea.
18:04So we fired up the Dominator and headed for a road so remote even the Norse had abandoned it to
18:10the weather.
18:15A mountain pass called the road of terror, probably.
18:23If we can open this road, the only one the Norse...
18:27We did.
18:28Yeah.
18:29We've proven we can.
18:30We've proven the worth of this machine internationally.
18:33And I think we'll be forgiven for the small things we've done wrong.
18:36The man on fire, houses, car, side.
18:42Eventually, we arrived at the gates to a frozen hell.
18:47One of the problems we found yesterday, one of them, was that you tend to get snow sticking to the
18:52plough and building up and it doesn't work as well.
18:54So, an idea that I had is to cover the plough itself with a mixture of oil and diesel.
19:01And I'm now doing it because it's my idea.
19:03He's claiming it's his idea.
19:06I happened to know he was talking to a snow plough driver in the bar last night.
19:11Nothing's going to stick to that.
19:13With the preparations done, we set off.
19:16All right.
19:21Come on, Dominator!
19:25Our destination was a desolate hamlet, ten kilometres away.
19:31Oh, look at that!
19:34Boldly ploughing where no Norwegian has ploughed so far this winter.
19:43This is a 1980s machine, so that is a cassette player.
19:48Do you think James is getting lonely out there?
19:50He'll love it.
19:52About £10 million says he's fantasising about being a lone skipper of some rain-weather-battered trawler out on the
20:00North Sea.
20:00Oh, no, he didn't hurt me, he'd be a lone skipper, but with just one quite attractive man in the
20:05galley.
20:06Ha, ha, ha, ha!
20:14With the oiled plough siding nicely through the snow, Jeremy and I swung into action.
20:28Let's grit!
20:30Oh, yeah!
20:34The gritting is going well, Hammond.
20:38He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he
20:42-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he
20:45-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he
20:47-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he
20:55-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he
20:59-he-he!
21:06Soon, though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring.
21:11Oh, hang on.
21:12Whoa!
21:15What's that?
21:16It nearly went through the windscreen.
21:18But a snowy hillock was no match for the Dominator.
21:22Right, take this, Snow.
21:25Charge!
21:27Roast, roast, roast.
21:31Yes!
21:32The clue. Yes!
21:33Yeah!
21:36However, while the battering ram was OK in this lonely place...
21:40No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't do it.
21:44..the rear-wheel steering was a nightmare.
21:48Do it. No, no, no, no.
21:50It's a tank slapper.
21:53Whoa, on top.
21:55No, don't. It's got a mind of its own.
21:58And on the hills, we had a serious power shortage.
22:03James, is that full-speed?
22:06Yes, it is.
22:09Oh, OK, that's enough. Go back to digging holes. Don't do that.
22:16Stuck.
22:17If you think about it, a combine harvester is designed to never work in the snow, or the rain, or
22:23on a hill.
22:23It's always flat ground on lovely summer's evenings.
22:26It's out of its comfort zone, here.
22:29Which meant that, sadly, so was I.
22:35Jesus.
22:37He'll want the Victoria Cross now for using a shovel.
22:41Yeah, he will.
22:44Shall I just raise the plough and take his head off?
22:46Yes.
22:47Ah, for God's sake!
22:50Each kilometre was now a gruelling challenge.
22:54Oh, go!
22:56Stop!
22:57And my ingenious snow-measuring tactic didn't go brilliantly.
23:03Wow!
23:04That's a lot harder there.
23:07But the Top Gear Snowbine kept on moving.
23:11Go! Full power!
23:12Come on!
23:19Look at us carving a path. Look, that's us.
23:21I know.
23:23This road is open, and will remain so until it snows again.
23:27Tonight, probably.
23:29Well, tomorrow.
23:31Warning, the Top Gear Snowbine Harvester is approaching.
23:34Warning, the Top Gear Snowbine Harvester is approaching.
23:39It's really annoying, this.
23:40For the first time in my life, I've got one of those tannoy things,
23:42because there's absolutely nobody to talk to.
23:50James, there's one kilometre to go.
23:53One kilometre.
23:54This road is open.
23:56Who fancies a celebratory Bovril when we get there?
24:00Unless Bovril's the code word for something dirty,
24:03I don't want to do that.
24:05Hang on, I'm getting a bit of a tang slapper.
24:08It's wandering off.
24:11Oh, no!
24:13I'm getting a tang slapper. It's flat out.
24:20This time, we come off the road and into a massive snowdrift.
24:30Jesus, wet.
24:31That's a lot of snow.
24:33The snow out here that we're in is incredibly deep.
24:37Yes, that's what I feared.
24:39It felt quite deep as it went off the edge.
24:42You see, the extent of the problem is quite big.
24:46The whole machine is...
24:52So, one wheel was stuck and one was spinning uselessly.
24:56Full power!
25:03It's not going to do it.
25:08Spurred on by the previous day's failures, we dug furiously.
25:16Just for once, I want to do something properly.
25:20You know what I mean? I want to clear this road and do it.
25:24No cocking about.
25:33This is coming out of here.
25:35Rocket bag, now forwards.
25:38Ah, it feels abusive.
25:42I'm wearing the clutch out. Hang on, it's starting to smell.
25:45Don't stop, James, don't stop, don't stop.
25:48With darkness falling and the temperature dropping,
25:50this was no time for mechanical sympathy.
25:53Come on, James, come on, we can do this.
25:58A bit less left.
26:01Oh, nearly!
26:03Ah, go, go, yes, you sober!
26:10Yes, come on, come on, come on!
26:15It's out!
26:17Yes!
26:19Yes!
26:20Yes, yes, yes!
26:21That's it, climb aboard.
26:25The Dominator surged forwards.
26:29And soon, our destination hoved into view.
26:33He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he!
26:38We are so nearly there.
26:41Look at that!
26:47That is a blaze of glory.
26:50A blaze of glory, grit and bovrum.
26:55Ladies and gentlemen, the top gear snowmine harbester has arrived.
27:02And so, there we are.
27:04For once in our wretched lives on this programme,
27:07we'd actually done what we set out to do.
27:11You know what?
27:12What?
27:13We've been ambitious and brilliant,
27:16and it's all thanks to the Dominator.
27:18Successful.
27:18Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure ploughing with you.
27:20It's been a joy and an honour.
27:22That was the right road, wasn't it?
27:29A few years back, the mayor of London decided to get rid of the city's hated bendy buses.
27:35But what to replace them with?
27:37I decided to help this decision-making process
27:40by organising a highly scientific bus test
27:43that would in no way end up with everything crashing and getting broken.
27:49To find out what sort of bus is best for a busy city,
27:53obviously, you should form some committees and the focus group,
27:56and then do some intensive studies
27:58into running costs, safety, passenger usage, and the environmental impact.
28:03But all of that takes time.
28:05So, instead, we're going to sort this
28:07using the ultimate crucible of excellence, motorsport.
28:11For anything on four wheels, this is the white heat of the anvil of the spearhead of evolution.
28:17If you want to improve the breed, you go motorsport.
28:20Second is the first of the losers.
28:22You have to win to win, etc., etc.
28:28Our testing ground is here.
28:31Lydden Hill Circuit in Kent.
28:33A place often described as the Monza of southern England.
28:38By people who've never been to Monza.
28:41It's normally a rallycross circuit,
28:42so it is a challenging mix of hairpins and fast sweepers,
28:46tarmac and loose gravel.
28:48Much like central London, in fact.
28:51So, let's meet the candidates for the next London bus.
28:56Representing the double-decker, a 1987 Leyland Olympian.
29:01Representing the single-decker, we have a 1993 Dennis Dart.
29:07Then, on behalf of the current London champion,
29:09we have the Mercedes-Benz 0305 G.
29:12This, of course, is a bendy bus.
29:15And that means it'll probably spend the day causing crashes and bursting into flames for no obvious reason.
29:20Which is why we've got two of them.
29:25Finally, representing the compact hopper bus,
29:27we have a 1997 Metro rider.
29:33Now, because there is so much at stake here,
29:37we can't leave the driving to any old bus driver.
29:40So, we've brought in our old friends, the touring car drivers.
29:45Their precise and delicate touch certainly got motorhome racing off to a great start last year.
29:51So, please welcome...
29:54Touring car legend, Anthony Reid.
29:57Touring car legend, Matt Neal.
30:00Touring car legend, Gordon Shedden.
30:07And hairdressing legend, Tom Chilton.
30:11To be honest, they're not that good on passenger usage per mile.
30:15But if you want to sort out the other important bus stuff,
30:18understeer, lift-off, oversteer, then these are your men.
30:21Each driver went for their preferred mount,
30:24leaving me with the blue and yellow bendy bus.
30:28Now, last time this lot got together with the motorhomes,
30:31to be honest, it all degenerated into a bit of a demolition derby.
30:36But this time, because we're carrying out important research,
30:40they have promised me absolutely no contact.
30:44Yeah.
30:54This is it. We are off.
30:56We'll let the investigations begin.
31:02Interestingly, both Fendi buses, 57 feet in length.
31:06But his is min-engined, mine is rear.
31:10So a good race should sort out which one's best.
31:13True to their word,
31:15the touring car races avoided body contact
31:17for, ooh, at least half a lap.
31:22Ah, whore.
31:27This is their sensitive touch.
31:31Yeah, that cost me a mirror.
31:34Thinking about it, we have missed one thing out on this test.
31:39Cyclists.
31:40Should have had bicycles on the circuit,
31:43perhaps being pedalled by bus drivers.
31:49After two or three laps,
31:51I realised that finding the best bus would be harder than I thought.
31:56Because all of them had their good and bad points.
32:02Now, the double-decker,
32:03aluminium body, air suspension,
32:06it should have potential here on the track.
32:10But it is compromised in other ways.
32:15No low floor means forward disabled access.
32:22Wow, look at our single-decker go.
32:24What a manoeuvre!
32:26And I believe you have the tail abs.
32:28That was majestic!
32:31But it is only licence to carry 24 seated,
32:34with a further 21 standing.
32:36And that is where the Fendi bus comes in.
32:39Licence to carry 98.
32:41Whoa!
32:44And the seating is pretty flexible.
32:48So, with all the buses putting forward a good case,
32:52if we were to find a winner,
32:54we'd have to turn up the wick.
32:55Oh, my God!
32:59Oh, my God!
33:05Common everyday scene from London streets.
33:09This is important work.
33:15First to suffer was the little hopper,
33:18which didn't do too well in the
33:20I'm a bus driver and when I pull out,
33:22I never use my bloody mirrors manoeuvre.
33:27Oh, that's an evil move being pulled on the diddy hopper there.
33:31Thankfully, nobody would dare mount such an attack
33:33on a bus as big as mine.
33:42Whoa!
33:43Where did he come from, you bloody idiot?
33:50I was limping, and frankly, the other bendy
33:53was scoring low on passenger comfort.
33:59The final lap.
34:01Oh, my word!
34:02Double-decker coming through.
34:04The last few corners were a straight duel
34:07between the single-decker and the double-decker.
34:11But then...
34:18Ignore that, babe.
34:20Just tell the mayor that was a crash test or something.
34:23Our investigation was complete.
34:26You've been thorough, comprehensive.
34:28I've just driven over that man's bonnet.
34:31But we can announce a decision he's made.
34:33The best bus for London and any other city
34:36is the good old single-decker.
34:39Cos it's quick.
34:41I think what we should do now
34:42is collate all those findings
34:44and get them straight to the mayor's office.
34:47Yeah.
34:48Well done, everyone.
34:49You know what that was?
34:51It was science.
34:53As long as you accept that science
34:54can sometimes be quite stupid.
34:57In which case, science.
34:58Anyway, we must now move on
35:00to my colleague, James May.
35:01And one of Top Gear's oldest nemesis...
35:05Nemes...
35:06Nemesis...
35:06Nemes...
35:07Nemesis...
35:07Enemies!
35:12Yes, it's the caravan.
35:15Now, as regular viewers will know,
35:17we have done our very best
35:19to rid the world of the caravan menace.
35:26I think there's one more, actually.
35:31That is, I think you'll agree,
35:33sterling work in our battle
35:34to free the roads of these mobile traffic jams.
35:38Sadly, it's a battle we're losing.
35:40There are now almost half a million caravans
35:44on UK roads.
35:45And the British are the most prolific
35:47caravanning nation in Europe.
35:49A title we've held for almost four years,
35:51according to the Caravan Council.
35:54In short, they're building them
35:55faster than we can destroy them.
35:57So, we need a scientific approach
35:59to getting them off the roads.
36:01And I may have found it.
36:03The Caravannes
36:04of the Caravan
36:06There is no more
36:06this spirit of the caravan
36:06The Port of Elf
36:15is because,
36:15but you're not the English
36:15You're not the English
36:15It's true to you.
36:19The Caravan has gone
36:21because,
36:21disappointments
36:22or things
36:23And that's
36:25what
36:25doing,
36:27and that's
36:31quel
37:08It works.
37:23What you're witnessing here, viewers, is the maiden voyage of the world's first caravan airship.
37:28And I believe this is the solution to all our problems.
37:33There are only two ways to go caravanning.
37:35You can have your two-liter diesel, tow your caravan, obscure the view of all the people you're annoying,
37:41or you can bring it up here.
37:43Everybody wins.
37:44Driving is more fun.
37:46Caravanning is more exciting.
37:49However, as with all cutting-edge engineering projects, there are teething problems.
37:55Normally, you drive along with your caravan and your car, and when you get to your caravan site, you have
37:59a car to use.
38:00Now, I don't, of course, so I need somebody to take the car to the caravan site for me.
38:06And for that, I'm calling on my old caravan-destroying mate, Mr. Richard Hammond.
38:13Yes, and because it doesn't have to lug the caravan around, it can be a nice car.
38:22This car will never, ever hitch itself to a swift rapide.
38:26It's a Lamborghini, probably the least caravanish car company ever.
38:30And this is their new Gallardo Balboni.
38:35It's a tribute to Valentino Balboni, Lamborghini's most famous test driver.
38:41Now, although he wore a cardigan to work, he was a mentalist.
38:46And as a tribute to his mentalness, this particular Gallardo is the most mental Lambo there's been for a while.
38:53But more of that later, because first, I shall ring James and offer him some encouragement.
39:01Haven't made.
39:02Hello.
39:03That thing is going to crash and burn and explode and you'll be scattered in a million pieces across the
39:08English countryside.
39:09Oh, don't be so defeatist.
39:11Anyway, listen, I've got an address for you.
39:13It's Hunter's Moon Caravan Club, which is just outside Wareham in Dorset.
39:18I've made the booking, they're expecting an airship and I'll take you for lunch by the river.
39:23Right, see you in a bit.
39:25Caravanning in a Lamborghini.
39:27I think you might actually be on to something.
39:37Well, let me tell you a bit about the caravan airship.
39:39It's 125 feet long, 110,000 cubic feet of hot air holding it up.
39:45And it's a very, very ingenious solution because all the caravan attachments are still here.
39:49Instruments flip up out of the table.
39:51The gas burners go where the cooker would be and can be used for cooking.
39:55The beds fit where I'm sitting here.
39:57It is still a caravan.
39:59It's just a flying caravan.
40:02You float in the infinite blue.
40:05It's superb.
40:09Meanwhile, on the ground, this was turning into the best drive to a caravan site ever.
40:14According to Top Gear Research, 37% of caravaners enjoy wife swapping.
40:20Well, think what's going to happen when the keys to this baby come out of the pot.
40:24Oh, yeah.
40:27Now, as I was saying, because this is a tribute to their looniest test driver,
40:30Lamborghini have ditched the usual four-wheel drive for a Gallardo and gone back to the old, hairy-chested rear
40:36-wheel drive.
40:38That makes it 120 kilograms lighter.
40:42If ordinary steel brakes, instead of carbon ceramic fancy ones, it's Lamborghini's punk album.
40:48Oh, hello.
40:49You're alive!
40:50How are you?
40:51I'm very well.
40:52How's it going?
40:53Pretty good.
40:54Slight issue on the horizon, though.
40:56What?
40:56It's not the fastest aircraft in the world.
41:01How not quick, is it?
41:03Well, top speed's about 17.
41:0570 miles an hour's not bad.
41:07In a straight line, you don't have...
41:08No, 17 miles an hour.
41:11Oh, God.
41:12But look, I think Dorset might be a bit fast.
41:14I've got a new address for you.
41:15Are you ready?
41:16What, another address?
41:18Dale Acres Caravan Club site.
41:20That's in Kent.
41:21Kent?
41:22Probably not my first choice of caravanning destination.
41:24I know, but it's not miles from Air Bay.
41:26I'll buy you an ice cream.
41:27I'll see you there.
41:30Right.
41:32Campsite number two.
41:33Here we come.
41:39It's now time for a spot of airborne lunch.
41:44This is unfassionably the most powerful cooker ever fitted to a two-bird caravan.
41:50It's very well cooked on one side.
41:56Okay, another B-road through another village somewhere.
41:59It's all part of the adventure of caravanning.
42:02Back to the Balboni.
42:05The thing is, the basicness just makes it better to drive.
42:09The steering feels so much quicker because there's no four-wheel drive in the way.
42:14And this gear change, the manual box, it just feels...
42:18It's like shaking hands with an old friend.
42:23The only thing that isn't the basic is the price.
42:27Because weirdly, this stripped out, strictly functional Gladiado costs £163,000,
42:33which is £18,000 dearer than the ordinary four-wheel drive one.
42:37So maybe less really is more.
42:42The Balboni propelled me towards our campsite in Kent.
42:47And then James rang again.
42:50Hello?
42:51Hello?
42:51Are you ringing from the grave?
42:53No, not at all.
42:54It's going marvellously up here, mate.
42:56You'd love it.
42:57There is one slight hitch, though.
42:58All right, what's up now?
43:00The performance is slightly marginal.
43:02If I get a headwind of more than 30 knots, I sort of...
43:04Well, I start to go backwards, really.
43:06What, you can't go into a wind more than 13 knots?
43:10No.
43:10What's the wind speed now?
43:12Well, it was 12.
43:13So what you're telling me is you've just been blown around Britain?
43:16Er, it takes too long to get down to Kent,
43:19so I'm going to turn around and go the other way up to Suffolk.
43:23Right.
43:24Anyway, listen, I've got an address for you.
43:25Why didn't you just ring up and book us into every caravan site in Britain before we left?
43:30Stop nitpicking, will you?
43:35What a Norbert.
43:36If this airship caravan scheme of his cat is on,
43:40what we'll have is the skies full of airships crashing into each other
43:44whenever the wind gets up,
43:45and then the roads full of cars crashing into each other
43:47because they have to keep turning round.
43:51OK, campsite number three.
43:58With the wind behind me, I headed for our new destination.
44:02Good morning, Caravan.
44:03Public press speaking, how can I help?
44:05Oh, hi, I was wondering if there were any pictures available
44:07at the White House Beach Club this afternoon, please.
44:10What's your surname?
44:12Er, May, M-A-Y.
44:13Could I just ask if you have facilities for people arriving by airship?
44:17By airship?
44:18Right, OK.
44:19Er, are you actually a member of the Caravan Club?
44:27Here I am in the village of here, this village,
44:33and it's somewhere I would never have seen.
44:36OK, that's a really, really big tower over there,
44:40and that's...
44:41Well, that's clearly just a danger to caravans, isn't it?
44:44I mean, look at it.
44:45I must remember to tell James about that.
44:48As it turned out, at that moment,
44:51James had more than a tower to worry about.
44:55Mayday, Mayday, Mayday.
44:57Er, Norwich Golf, Papa Golf,
44:59I am about to enter your airspace.
45:03Golf Tang, Oscar, Papa Golf, Norwich,
45:05you are entering an area of intense aerial activity at the moment.
45:09It is imperative that you remain clear and well clear.
45:13Er, Norwich Golf, Papa Golf, sorry,
45:15cannot comply, have no control over airship,
45:18going to wind conditions.
45:20Tang, Oscar, Papa Golf, remain well clear.
45:23Norwich cannot comply.
45:25Papa Golf, you have traffic left, 11 o'clock,
45:28range of half a mile, fast moving, similar left.
45:31Roger, have visual, Gold, Papa Golf.
45:33Gold, Papa Golf, further traffic in your right,
45:36three o'clock, right, left.
45:38I've been cocked.
45:41BBC Radio 1.
45:42News beat.
45:43Right, that's the news report.
45:44No news of a massive fireball burning over Northamptonshire
45:48or of people in the streets being hit by
45:50pieces of long, burning hair and bad jumper.
45:54Anyway, I'm probably being pessimistic.
45:58Sure it's going very well.
46:04No!
46:05Stay where you are, man!
46:06Gold, Papa Golf, I'm heading very close to the KLM City Hopper.
46:10Can you advise the police not to start up or take off?
46:13From Papa Golf, the police helicopter will surely be approaching.
46:18Gold, Papa Golf, police helicopter, really not necessary.
46:20I will attempt to clear your zone at this altitude.
46:23Gold, Papa Golf, please don't call the police.
46:28Gold, Papa Golf, police helicopter.
46:29Oscar, India, 9-9 to Golf.
46:32I'm going to call, Gold, we'll see you in heaven.
46:35Roger, Gold, Papa Golf.
46:38Car.
46:39KLM City Hopper, 9-9, I'm not really aware of your intentions,
46:43but you've traded to the controlled airspace at Norwich Airport.
46:46I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.
46:58Suffolk.
46:59Popular holiday destination.
47:02Just a few miles away now.
47:06James will have landed,
47:09set the van up,
47:10organised our little home from home.
47:13Probably got the kettle on.
47:18With the wrath of the sky cops still ringing in my ears,
47:21finally I reached a caravan site.
47:24I didn't know if it was the one I'd booked into, but it'd do.
47:28Here we go for a landing you won't even notice.
47:31This is a lovely approach over the trees.
47:34Just a matter of arresting this set with little bursts of gas.
47:38What I'm actually doing here is helping to realise
47:41a dream that was held by many great men.
47:45People who envisaged the elegance and the majesty of lighter than air flight.
47:50Count Zeppelin, Neville Suites, Barnes-Wallis, this is for them.
47:57There's a bit of drift, a bit of drift.
47:59Drifting, oh God.
48:01Topping Nora, this is typical.
48:03Gas, gas.
48:05It's going down.
48:08No!
48:11Keep it upright.
48:14I may be going sideways slightly.
48:19Mayday!
48:21No!
48:24Oh bloody hell, stop!
48:27Stop!
48:28Stop!
48:32And I'm sorry to report that following that incident,
48:36James's stripy shirt was not ruined.
48:40Maybe next time.
48:41But that's it for this programme.
48:42Join us again soon when more things will be broken, burnt and shouted at.
48:47Goodbye.
48:47Bye-bye!
48:48Bye-bye.
48:50Bye-bye.
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