- 6 hours ago
No Doubt (2019) [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:28You
00:00:31All right
00:00:32So
00:00:34Mano y Mano
00:00:35How many girls ask you if Picasso is your real name?
00:00:39One I'd like to talk about
00:00:41Especially since a lot of them argue with me when I tell them it is my real name
00:00:44Like how are you going to tell me what my name is?
00:00:46I think I know more about it than you do
00:00:50She's cute
00:00:52Got you 20 bones she has a kid
00:00:54How can you tell that from one inconspicuous photo?
00:00:57Always trust the bubbling stomach
00:00:59Why is your stomach bubbling?
00:01:01Just scroll
00:01:06Ew, Maddie, you're right
00:01:09Of all the photos you're going to post of your kid
00:01:11Why would you post the one directly after you gave birth?
00:01:14She looks hideous
00:01:15I guess she was going for the natural beauty thing
00:01:17Nothing beautiful about that
00:01:19Is that her placenta?
00:01:21Gladly swiping left
00:01:23Wait, wait, wait, wait
00:01:24Okay, which one is she?
00:01:26Every photo is her with the same four girls
00:01:29I'm trying to find this right now
00:01:31And she wants to play Where's Fucking Waldo?
00:01:33I detest that shit
00:01:34You know when girls do that?
00:01:35It's usually because they're the ugliest one out of their group of friends
00:01:38Then it must be this one
00:01:41Duff, you have been spotted
00:01:43Ooh, she looks like fucking Beetlejuice
00:01:47She does
00:01:47To the left
00:01:50To the left
00:01:51Oh yeah, you're 25
00:01:5325 times 2
00:01:57Oh, here we go
00:01:58Officially head over heels
00:02:00Check it out
00:02:00Close up of her eye
00:02:02And
00:02:02Yep, that's her only photo
00:02:04Who wouldn't want to swipe right?
00:02:07Beats me
00:02:10Oh, hold on
00:02:10Let me see something
00:02:13You've got quite a few messages
00:02:16Master Picasso
00:02:16A lot more than I thought you'd have
00:02:18Well, if you open up the conversation
00:02:19You'll see that they're mostly just lonely hey's
00:02:21That no one ever responded to
00:02:23You can't just say hey to these girls
00:02:25The second you match with them
00:02:27You gotta do something to show them
00:02:29That you're not just one of the millions of guys
00:02:30That want to make bacon with them
00:02:31But I do want to make bacon with them
00:02:33Well, you're not gonna put anything in the pan
00:02:34With a dry fucking DM like hey
00:02:37Every hot girl's DM
00:02:38Is 50% lewd messages
00:02:4050% haze
00:02:41You gotta find the middle ground
00:02:43You gotta do something unique
00:02:44Well, my haze did work on someone
00:02:47Oh, this girl
00:02:48Sissany
00:02:49Yeah
00:02:50We've been talking for like two weeks
00:02:51And I can actually keep a conversation going with her
00:02:54No lags
00:02:55No
00:02:55Pretending to be interested
00:02:56And it's a good deal
00:02:58And we text like every day
00:03:00You guys met in person yet?
00:03:02No
00:03:03Is a face-to-face meeting in the works?
00:03:06Nope
00:03:14Dude, what are you stop
00:03:15What is that for?
00:03:16That's for preferring to talk to an attractive young woman
00:03:18On your phone
00:03:19Than talking to her pussy lips in real time
00:03:21I've seen catfish
00:03:23And if I've learned anything from Neve and Max
00:03:25Is that anything that seems too good
00:03:26Really is too good
00:03:27Right now this girl's on a pillar, you know
00:03:30She's cool, she's chill
00:03:31And I don't want to ruin what we have by meeting her in person
00:03:34Like what if she's a guy?
00:03:36Or what if she is who she says she is
00:03:38But her real-life personality pales in comparison to her online personality
00:03:42When I'm not looking for girls to fuck
00:03:44I can just sit back, unwind, and shoot the shit with Sissany
00:03:50What the-what-stop!
00:03:51Stop!
00:03:52What the fuck kind of logic is that?
00:03:53This girl responded to your boring-ass hay
00:03:56And has sustained conversation with you for weeks
00:03:58She's pretty
00:03:59She clearly likes the same things as you
00:04:01Look, she's gotten a courage in the cowardly dog shirt for crying out loud
00:04:04This girl will fuck the potatoes out of you
00:04:06Yeah, but what if she's a catfish?
00:04:08What if she's not a catfish?
00:04:09Picasso
00:04:11Listen to me with both ears, alright?
00:04:14If you haven't at least discussed the possibility of meeting this girl in person
00:04:18By the next time I see you
00:04:19I will personally give you a vasectomy with a rusty safety pin
00:04:24Capisce?
00:04:26Her vagina is calling your name, dude
00:04:30Oh, Picasso
00:04:33Oh, Picasso
00:04:34Just give me that salami
00:04:36Just give me that sausage
00:04:38I can take it
00:04:40Come on, shove it in there, big boy
00:04:42Come on, shove it in there, big boy
00:04:43Come on, shove it in there
00:04:44Please, stop it
00:04:45Please, stop it
00:04:45Please, stop it
00:04:46You're a sex body
00:04:46Stop it
00:04:47Oh, my God
00:04:47Oh, my God
00:05:03Look, I graduated
00:05:05Get through anything
00:05:06If magic made it
00:05:07That's magic, ain't it
00:05:09Graduated from public school
00:05:10That's special
00:05:11And
00:05:11That's football teams
00:05:13Since 13
00:05:14They're football dreams
00:05:15Most people waiting
00:05:17On the sideline
00:05:18Waiting for one time
00:05:19In the limelight
00:05:20But tonight
00:05:21I'ma shine in the moonlight
00:05:23Made moves like Michael Jackson
00:05:25So it's time for action
00:05:26I go
00:05:27Graduated to a party bus
00:05:29I'm going to college
00:05:30I had enough
00:05:31Gonna live it up
00:05:32Pour a drink in the red cup
00:05:33Trunk white
00:05:34Gonna throw it up
00:05:34We're gonna celebrate
00:05:36We're gonna celebrate
00:05:40We're gonna celebrate
00:05:44All night
00:05:47All night
00:05:49We're gonna celebrate
00:05:56Oh, so many stairs
00:05:59Well, technically
00:06:00I can get shot anywhere
00:06:01The fact that this is Inglewood
00:06:03Should make a difference
00:06:05It's actually not that sketch
00:06:07Looks pretty nice inside
00:06:10Asshole
00:06:11No, but
00:06:12Are you sure you know the plan?
00:06:14Because you tend to have
00:06:14Selective memory
00:06:15And I want to make sure
00:06:16My plan is foolproof
00:06:18Okay
00:06:19Sad face means
00:06:20Call me
00:06:21So I can make an exit
00:06:22Elegantly
00:06:23And happy face means
00:06:24I can stay
00:06:27Okay
00:06:28Thank you very much
00:06:29Bye, bitch
00:06:41It'll be fine
00:06:44It'll be fine
00:06:48It'll be fine
00:06:49It'll be fine
00:06:51Yeah
00:06:53I think it'll be fine
00:07:08Hi
00:07:09Hey
00:07:13Thank you
00:07:14You're welcome
00:07:40Thank you
00:07:41Thank you
00:07:44This is a fucking maze
00:07:46Yeah
00:07:47There's a side entrance
00:07:48That's closer to my apartment
00:07:49But I thought for the sake
00:07:50Of presentation
00:07:50I might as well meet you in front
00:07:52Well
00:07:52You should know
00:07:53That I hate walking
00:07:54If I could ride around
00:07:56In one of those
00:07:56Electric shopping carts
00:07:57For the rest of my life
00:07:58I would
00:08:00Well, we don't have
00:08:00Any electric shopping carts
00:08:01But there's a few
00:08:02Janky ones lying around
00:08:03That could push you in one
00:08:04I might just take you up on that
00:08:06But only if the cart's
00:08:07Missing a wheel
00:08:08And it smells like this
00:08:09Well, I'll see
00:08:10If I can muster up
00:08:14How long have you been walking?
00:08:15Uh, less than a minute
00:08:18My feet hurt already
00:08:19You really do hate walking
00:08:21I did warn you
00:08:23This hallway is kind of sketch
00:08:24Yeah
00:08:25I thought the same thing
00:08:26Sometimes when I'm by myself
00:08:28I turn around
00:08:28Just to make sure
00:08:29I'm not being followed
00:08:30Oh my god
00:08:31Imagine if you were
00:08:32Like, Leatherface
00:08:33Was just posted up
00:08:34At the end of the hallway
00:08:34Like, what's up, bro?
00:08:36Uh, I think I'd turn into
00:08:38Usain Bolt
00:08:38That's what I'm saying
00:08:40Not today
00:08:43See, not me
00:08:44I am one of those people
00:08:45That would royally
00:08:46Piss off the horror movie audience
00:08:47I just wait to be killed
00:08:49I mean, what is the point
00:08:51In wasting Leatherface's time
00:08:53Giving this illusion
00:08:54That I'm capable
00:08:55Of engaging in foot chase
00:08:56Nope
00:08:57Just cut me open
00:08:59I can handle it
00:09:00Sure about that?
00:09:02Nope
00:09:03This hallway still reminds me
00:09:05Of The Shining, though
00:09:05Yeah, well, if they ever
00:09:06Do another remake
00:09:07They could do it right here
00:09:08Isn't that infuriating?
00:09:10Another remake?
00:09:12The Shining is one of those films
00:09:13That should never be remade
00:09:15No one will ever come close
00:09:16To what Jack Nicholson
00:09:17Was able to achieve
00:09:20You were supposed to agree with me?
00:09:22I'm not really crazy
00:09:23About The Shining
00:09:24Well, date's over
00:09:26Oh, well, I just think
00:09:27It's overrated
00:09:28And before you draw your sword
00:09:29I'm not saying
00:09:30It's a bad movie
00:09:31It definitely had
00:09:32It's effective moments
00:09:33But to say it was
00:09:34The greatest horror movie
00:09:35Of all
00:09:38I'll over genuine horror
00:09:40Plus, Cooper put his team
00:09:42Through hell
00:09:43If a director can't destroy
00:09:45The mental health
00:09:46Of their cast and crew
00:09:47They shouldn't call
00:09:48Themselves a director
00:09:50Um, that's a problematic statement
00:09:52So, but here's what I think
00:09:55Remakes give filmmakers
00:09:57This opportunity
00:09:58To resurrect
00:09:58Previously awful movies
00:10:00I mean, I can think of
00:10:02So many shitty horror films
00:10:03That could be remade
00:10:04And enriched
00:10:04But instead
00:10:05People choose
00:10:07To remake the classics
00:10:08The films that should have
00:10:09A do not touch sign on them
00:10:11You can say that again
00:10:12Do I have to?
00:10:19Oh, not too shabby
00:10:20Not too shabby at all
00:10:22This is the abode
00:10:23I live in a shoebox
00:10:25Compared to this
00:10:27And you have a staircase
00:10:28See, staircases and apartments
00:10:30To me are just like
00:10:31A fuck you
00:10:32To the rest of us
00:10:33Studio apartment folk
00:10:35Like, not one
00:10:36But two of my floors
00:10:37Are bigger than your entire
00:10:39Living space
00:10:39Oh, there's just a bedroom
00:10:40Up there
00:10:41It's not that great
00:10:42But here's the test
00:10:44How many bathrooms
00:10:45Do you have?
00:10:46Two
00:10:46Ugh, that is exceptional
00:10:48So no one can blow up
00:10:50Your bathroom
00:10:51Because you have one down here
00:10:52For all your visiting
00:10:53Bowel unloads, huh?
00:10:55You don't even use
00:10:55The bathroom down here
00:10:56Do you?
00:10:57Not really
00:10:59You
00:11:00Young guy
00:11:01Have got it made
00:11:02The apartment's not that great
00:11:04I get that you're trying
00:11:06To be unpresuming
00:11:07But this is a pretty sick pad
00:11:10I do not see one blemish
00:11:12Hmm
00:11:13Well then you haven't
00:11:14Looked hard enough
00:11:14Bring your eyes
00:11:16This away
00:11:17Oh, hiya
00:11:18Destruction
00:11:19What happened here?
00:11:20Bronx
00:11:21Bronx as in
00:11:23The borough of New York City?
00:11:25No
00:11:25Bronx as in
00:11:26My friend's dog Bronx
00:11:27Oh, god damn
00:11:28Gertrude
00:11:29My friend Hutt
00:11:30Got himself a husky
00:11:31A very unwise decision
00:11:33Why is that?
00:11:35Huskies are cuteness overload
00:11:37Like, I need to stop
00:11:38Whatever I'm doing
00:11:39And hug your face
00:11:40No
00:11:40The cuteness of a husky
00:11:42Hampers people's ability
00:11:43To make sound decisions
00:11:44My friend Hutt
00:11:45Got himself a husky
00:11:46Purely on the basis
00:11:48That it was his little
00:11:49Wolfie pie
00:11:50His words
00:11:51Not mine
00:11:52Hutt got this dog
00:11:53And didn't read up on it
00:11:54Huskies are
00:11:55Balls of energy
00:11:57They get bored easily
00:11:59And when they're not stimulated
00:12:00It's chewing time
00:12:01But huskies are
00:12:03Little wolfie pies
00:12:05I'd love to have a husky
00:12:06They're always so happy
00:12:08And their fur is like
00:12:10They're like
00:12:10Little hairy marshmallows
00:12:11Well, Bronx
00:12:13The hairy little marshmallow
00:12:14He'd be left alone
00:12:15In Hutt's apartment
00:12:16And in no time
00:12:17He was tearing the place apart
00:12:19And Hutt didn't want
00:12:20To get mad at the dog
00:12:21Because it was his
00:12:22Little pup pup
00:12:23Hutt had to get a new couch
00:12:25New curtains
00:12:25New shoes
00:12:26All thanks to Bronx
00:12:28You get off
00:12:29Bronx's back
00:12:30All right
00:12:32Also
00:12:32If you knew
00:12:33What he was capable of
00:12:34Why did you let him
00:12:35Stay at your apartment?
00:12:37Especially since
00:12:38You don't seem
00:12:39Like a dog person
00:12:40I'm not a dog person
00:12:41But I was doing
00:12:42A friend a favor
00:12:43Hutt had to go
00:12:44On a business trip
00:12:45Plus
00:12:45Hutt had told me
00:12:47That Bronx was taking
00:12:48Puppy training classes
00:12:49So I thought
00:12:51I didn't have anything
00:12:51To worry about
00:12:52I left Bronx downstairs
00:12:54While I went upstairs
00:12:55To bed
00:12:55And the next morning
00:12:57I saw that the little
00:12:58Wolfie pie
00:12:59Snapped on my apartment
00:13:00And the shedding
00:13:02These guys shed
00:13:03Like nobody's business
00:13:05Just white hair clumps
00:13:06Everywhere
00:13:07Turned my living room
00:13:08Into an Alaskan winter
00:13:10So are you gonna
00:13:12Fix the wreckage?
00:13:13I got a guy
00:13:14Coming next week
00:13:15And Hutt gave me
00:13:16Money to pay
00:13:17For the damages
00:13:18But this looks
00:13:19Terrible doesn't it?
00:13:21Yeah but
00:13:22Doesn't take away
00:13:23From how bitchin'
00:13:24This pad is
00:13:25I'd still take
00:13:26Your place
00:13:27Over mine
00:13:27Any day of the week
00:13:29For a second though
00:13:30I thought those
00:13:31Scratches were the result
00:13:32Of the victim
00:13:33Trying to escape
00:13:37You're welcome
00:13:38I tried to go along
00:13:40With the last girl
00:13:41Who made that joke
00:13:41But apparently
00:13:43I was too convincing
00:13:44Because her whole
00:13:45Demeanor changed
00:13:46And she called
00:13:47The Uber
00:13:47With the quickness
00:13:49Well this is
00:13:51Kind of American
00:13:51Cycle-y
00:13:52You know
00:13:53Young guy
00:13:54Living in a nice place
00:13:55By himself
00:13:56Nonetheless
00:13:56Right?
00:13:57Yeah
00:13:57You could so be
00:13:59A serial killer
00:14:00The same could be
00:14:01So about you
00:14:02People always think
00:14:04It's the guy
00:14:04Who invites the girl
00:14:05Over to kill her
00:14:06But what about
00:14:07The girl that comes
00:14:08Over the guy's house
00:14:09To kill him?
00:14:10You're right
00:14:10Femme Patels
00:14:11They are out there
00:14:12Online dating
00:14:13Requires so much trust
00:14:16My biggest fear
00:14:17Is that I'm gonna
00:14:18Meet Justine
00:14:19Only to find out
00:14:20That she's really
00:14:21Justin
00:14:23But the fact
00:14:24That I could be
00:14:24Meeting someone
00:14:25That could possibly
00:14:26End my life
00:14:27Or cause me
00:14:29Great harm
00:14:30Something I don't
00:14:31Think about as much
00:14:32As I should
00:14:33Well
00:14:34That's a reality
00:14:35I've experienced
00:14:36Set on
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:39Yeah
00:14:42It was a little
00:14:43Over three years ago
00:14:44I met this guy
00:14:46On this app
00:14:47It was
00:14:48On a different one
00:14:48I used to use
00:14:49I don't
00:14:50Use it
00:14:51Anymore
00:14:53But
00:14:53We've been
00:14:54Talking for a couple
00:14:55Months
00:14:55And
00:14:57I thought
00:14:58He was
00:15:02I was trying
00:15:02To think of
00:15:03Another word
00:15:03For Mr. Perfect
00:15:04But
00:15:05Whatever
00:15:05He was Mr. Perfect
00:15:07I should have
00:15:08Known that
00:15:09Mr. Perfect
00:15:10Is never
00:15:11Mr. Perfect
00:15:13He was Mr. Perfect
00:15:14At pretending
00:15:15To be Mr. Perfect
00:15:16But
00:15:17Anyway
00:15:18We decided
00:15:19To meet up
00:15:19And
00:15:20I had
00:15:21The bright
00:15:21Idea
00:15:22Of inviting
00:15:22Him over
00:15:23To my place
00:15:25As soon
00:15:26As he got
00:15:26There
00:15:26I knew
00:15:27That he
00:15:27Didn't
00:15:27Actually
00:15:28Want to
00:15:28Spend time
00:15:29With me
00:15:29He just
00:15:29He wanted
00:15:31To do
00:15:31The deed
00:15:33Everything
00:15:33He said
00:15:34Had something
00:15:35To do
00:15:35With sex
00:15:35And
00:15:36I
00:15:37Immediately
00:15:38Knew
00:15:38This
00:15:39Was
00:15:39Gonna
00:15:39Suck
00:15:41So
00:15:42I
00:15:43Wanted
00:15:43To watch
00:15:43A movie
00:15:44On my
00:15:44Shady
00:15:45Little couch
00:15:45But
00:15:46He
00:15:46Insisted
00:15:46That
00:15:47We
00:15:47Watch
00:15:47It
00:15:47On my
00:15:48Bed
00:15:48Another
00:15:49Trap
00:15:49I
00:15:50Fell
00:15:50Into
00:15:50But
00:15:51I
00:15:53Just
00:15:53I felt
00:15:54Uncomfortable
00:15:54And
00:15:55I
00:15:55Thought
00:15:55Be
00:15:57Nice
00:15:57Watch
00:15:57The
00:15:57Movie
00:15:58And
00:15:58Maybe
00:15:58He'll
00:15:59Go
00:15:59Home
00:16:00And
00:16:01Not
00:16:02Five
00:16:03Minutes
00:16:03Into
00:16:03The
00:16:03Movie
00:16:04He's
00:16:04Kissing
00:16:05Me
00:16:05And
00:16:06Just
00:16:06Being
00:16:07Really
00:16:08Rough
00:16:08And
00:16:09I
00:16:09Tried
00:16:09Pushing
00:16:10Him
00:16:10Off
00:16:10But
00:16:10Then
00:16:10He
00:16:10Just
00:16:11Got
00:16:11Stronger
00:16:11And
00:16:12He
00:16:13Made
00:16:13This
00:16:13Really
00:16:14Awkward
00:16:14Eye
00:16:15Contact
00:16:15And
00:16:15He
00:16:16Said
00:16:17You
00:16:17Want
00:16:18Me
00:16:18To
00:16:18Leave
00:16:18Right
00:16:18While
00:16:20I
00:16:20Will
00:16:20Right
00:16:21After
00:16:21This
00:16:23And
00:16:24Here's
00:16:25The
00:16:25Kicker
00:16:26I
00:16:28I
00:16:28Didn't
00:16:29Fight
00:16:29Back
00:16:30I
00:16:31Didn't
00:16:31Scream
00:16:32I
00:16:33I
00:16:34Could
00:16:34Have
00:16:34Done
00:16:35Anything
00:16:35In my
00:16:36Power
00:16:36To
00:16:36Get
00:16:37Him
00:16:37Off
00:16:37I
00:16:37Could
00:16:37Have
00:16:37Done
00:16:38All
00:16:38These
00:16:39Things
00:16:39I
00:16:39Always
00:16:40Told
00:16:40Myself
00:16:40I
00:16:40Do
00:16:41If
00:16:41Something
00:16:41Like
00:16:41This
00:16:41Would
00:16:42Happen
00:16:42To
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00:44:25Princess
00:44:25In
00:44:26The
00:44:26World
00:44:26What
00:44:27Other
00:44:27Princess
00:44:27Gives
00:44:28You
00:44:28Cynicism
00:44:28Beauty
00:44:29And
00:44:29Backflow
00:44:30Still
00:44:30Got
00:44:31A
00:44:31Killer
00:44:31You're
00:44:31Such
00:44:32An
00:44:32Ash
00:44:32Dragon
00:44:32Okay
00:44:33This
00:44:34Getting
00:44:34Serious
00:44:35Prince
00:44:36Charming
00:44:37Lee
00:44:38Shang
00:44:38And
00:44:39The
00:44:40Beast
00:44:40In
00:44:40Human
00:44:41Form
00:44:41Um
00:44:42Jeez
00:44:42Okay
00:44:43Kill
00:44:43Prince
00:44:44Charming
00:44:44He's
00:44:44Too
00:44:45Much
00:44:45Of
00:44:45A
00:44:45Square
00:44:45For
00:44:45Me
00:44:45Marry
00:44:47Lee
00:44:47Shang
00:44:47Because
00:44:47I
00:44:48Think
00:44:48He
00:44:48Make
00:44:48A
00:44:48Man
00:44:49Out
00:44:49Of
00:44:49Me
00:44:49And
00:44:50Fuck
00:44:51The
00:44:51Beast
00:44:51Because
00:44:52He's
00:44:52A
00:44:52Beast
00:44:52Ah
00:44:53That's
00:44:54A
00:44:54Noble
00:44:54Selection
00:44:55Oh
00:44:56Yes
00:44:56Ursula
00:44:58Cruella
00:44:58Deville
00:44:59And
00:45:00Lady
00:45:00Tremaine
00:45:01I'd kill
00:45:02Cruella
00:45:02Immediately
00:45:02She's
00:45:03Too
00:45:03Skinny
00:45:03For
00:45:03Me
00:45:03I
00:45:04Would
00:45:04Marry
00:45:05Lady
00:45:05Tremaine
00:45:06And
00:45:07I
00:45:07Would
00:45:07Fuck
00:45:07Ursula
00:45:08I'm
00:45:08Swimming
00:45:09All up
00:45:09In
00:45:09That
00:45:09Octopussy
00:45:10Oh
00:45:11My
00:45:11God
00:45:11You
00:45:11Really
00:45:12Just
00:45:12Said
00:45:12That
00:45:14Okay
00:45:15I
00:45:15Get
00:45:15Very
00:45:15Involved
00:45:16In
00:45:16My
00:45:16Play
00:45:16Scams
00:45:16Okay
00:45:16Alright
00:45:18Jafar
00:45:19Hades
00:45:20And
00:45:21Gaston
00:45:23Now
00:45:23You
00:45:23Think
00:45:24I'd
00:45:24Fuck
00:45:24The
00:45:24Muscle
00:45:25Bound
00:45:25Gaston
00:45:26Right
00:45:26Hell
00:45:27No
00:45:27He'd
00:45:28Rather
00:45:28Fuck
00:45:28Himself
00:45:28So
00:45:29I'm
00:45:29Gonna
00:45:29Kill
00:45:29Him
00:45:30Marry
00:45:31Hades
00:45:31Because
00:45:32He's
00:45:32The
00:45:32Ruler
00:45:33Of
00:45:33The
00:45:33Underworld
00:45:33Can
00:45:34Someone
00:45:34Say
00:45:35Sovereignty
00:45:35And
00:45:37Fuck
00:45:37Jafar
00:45:37Because
00:45:38Underneath
00:45:38That
00:45:39Rough
00:45:39Exterior
00:45:39I
00:45:40Think
00:45:40He'd
00:45:40Be
00:45:40A
00:45:40Generous
00:45:41Lover
00:45:41Now
00:45:42That
00:45:42Deserves
00:45:43A
00:45:43Slow
00:45:43Clap
00:45:44Wait
00:45:44I
00:45:44Have
00:45:44To
00:45:45Do
00:45:45With
00:45:45You
00:45:55Sure
00:45:55You
00:45:55Want
00:45:55To
00:45:55Do
00:45:56This
00:45:56Did
00:45:56You
00:45:56Not
00:45:56Hear
00:45:57Me
00:45:57When
00:45:57I
00:45:57Said
00:45:57I'm
00:45:58The
00:45:58Riddler
00:45:58Okay
00:45:59Last
00:45:59Chance
00:45:59To
00:45:59Tap
00:46:00Out
00:46:00I
00:46:00Don't
00:46:00Need
00:46:00To
00:46:00Tap
00:46:01Out
00:46:01I'm
00:46:01The
00:46:02Riddler
00:46:02Are
00:46:03You
00:46:03Really
00:46:03Yes
00:46:03As
00:46:04An
00:46:04Only
00:46:05Child
00:46:05You
00:46:05Have
00:46:05A
00:46:05Lot
00:46:06Of
00:46:06Downtime
00:46:06I
00:46:07Read
00:46:07Riddle
00:46:07Books
00:46:07All
00:46:08Day
00:46:08That
00:46:09Not
00:46:09Something
00:46:10I
00:46:10Brag
00:46:10About
00:46:11Whatever
00:46:11I'm
00:46:12Ready
00:46:12Like
00:46:13Spongebob
00:46:13Right
00:46:14Okay
00:46:14You
00:46:15Know
00:46:15What
00:46:15Happens
00:46:15If
00:46:15You
00:46:15Get
00:46:16One
00:46:16Wrong
00:46:16I
00:46:16Do
00:46:17Know
00:46:17But
00:46:17That's
00:46:17Not
00:46:17Something
00:46:18I
00:46:18Need
00:46:18To
00:46:18Worry
00:46:18About
00:46:19Because
00:46:19I'm
00:46:19Gonna
00:46:20Ace
00:46:20This
00:46:20Shit
00:46:22Okay
00:46:22Coming
00:46:23At
00:46:23You
00:46:24Five
00:46:24Of
00:46:24The
00:46:25Hardest
00:46:25Riddles
00:46:25Five
00:46:26Of
00:46:26The
00:46:26Easiest
00:46:27Riddles
00:46:27Number
00:46:28One
00:46:28It's
00:46:29More
00:46:29Powerful
00:46:30Than
00:46:30God
00:46:30It's
00:46:31More
00:46:31Evil
00:46:31Than
00:46:31The
00:46:31Devil
00:46:32The
00:46:32Poor
00:46:32Have
00:46:33It
00:46:33The
00:46:33Rich
00:46:33Need
00:46:33It
00:46:35If
00:46:37You
00:46:37Arms
00:46:37But
00:46:38Fingers
00:46:38None
00:46:38I
00:46:38Have
00:46:39Two
00:46:39Feet
00:46:39But
00:46:39Cannot
00:46:40Run
00:46:40I
00:46:40Carry
00:46:40Well
00:46:41But
00:46:41Have
00:46:41Found
00:46:41I
00:46:42Carried
00:46:42Best
00:46:42With
00:46:42My
00:46:42Feet
00:46:43Off
00:46:43The
00:46:43Ground
00:46:43What
00:46:43Am
00:46:44I
00:46:44Beyond
00:46:45Wheelbarrow
00:46:46The
00:46:46More
00:46:46You
00:46:46Take
00:46:47The
00:46:47More
00:46:47You
00:46:47Leave
00:46:47Behind
00:46:48What
00:46:48Am
00:46:48I
00:46:48Fingerprints
00:46:49You
00:46:49Can't
00:46:50Handle
00:46:50Me
00:46:51What
00:46:51Disappears
00:46:52As
00:46:52Soon
00:46:52As
00:46:52You
00:46:53Say
00:46:53Its
00:46:53Name
00:46:54Silence
00:46:54Last
00:46:55One
00:46:55Come
00:46:55On
00:46:56What
00:46:57Type
00:46:57Of
00:46:57Dress
00:46:57Cannot
00:46:58Be
00:46:58Worn
00:47:08Okay
00:47:09Now
00:47:09I
00:47:09Have
00:47:10A
00:47:10Bonus
00:47:10One
00:47:11For
00:47:11You
00:47:11That
00:47:11Wasn't
00:47:11A
00:47:12Part
00:47:12Of
00:47:12The
00:47:12Deal
00:47:14Fine
00:47:14Riddle
00:47:15My
00:47:15Boots
00:47:16Went
00:47:17To
00:47:17A
00:47:17Football
00:47:18Game
00:47:18Right
00:47:18The
00:47:19Quarterback
00:47:19Threw
00:47:20A
00:47:20Pass
00:47:20To
00:47:21The
00:47:21Wide
00:47:21Receiver
00:47:21The
00:47:22Wide
00:47:22Receiver
00:47:23Caught
00:47:23It
00:47:23In
00:47:23The
00:47:23End
00:47:23Zone
00:47:24But
00:47:24No
00:47:24Guys
00:47:25Scored
00:47:25A
00:47:25Touchdown
00:47:26How
00:47:26Can
00:47:26That
00:47:26Be
00:47:26What
00:47:28This
00:47:28Has
00:47:28To
00:47:28Be
00:47:28A
00:47:29Trick
00:47:29Question
00:47:29Was
00:47:30There
00:47:30A
00:47:30Penalty
00:47:31Or
00:47:31Something
00:47:31No
00:47:32It
00:47:37Without
00:47:37Any
00:47:37Guys
00:47:38On
00:47:38The
00:47:38Field
00:47:38I
00:47:39Telling
00:47:39You
00:47:39No
00:47:40Guys
00:47:40Were
00:47:40Playing
00:47:41Was
00:47:41It
00:47:42An
00:47:42Imaginary
00:47:42Game
00:47:43Or
00:47:43Something
00:47:43No
00:47:44It
00:47:44Was
00:47:44A
00:47:44Very
00:47:44Real
00:47:45Game
00:47:46You
00:47:46Gotta
00:47:47Be
00:47:47Pulling
00:47:47My
00:47:47Lake
00:47:49You
00:47:49Can't
00:47:50Score
00:47:50A
00:47:50Touchdown
00:47:50Without
00:47:51Any
00:47:51Guys
00:47:52What
00:47:53Are
00:47:53You
00:47:53Talking
00:47:53About
00:47:53It
00:47:54Was
00:47:54An
00:47:54All
00:47:54Girls
00:47:54Football
00:47:55Game
00:47:56God
00:47:57Damn
00:47:57Gertrude
00:48:00Gonna
00:48:00Do
00:48:01Some
00:48:01Relish
00:48:03Mmm
00:48:04I
00:48:05Think
00:48:05We'll
00:48:05Top
00:48:06It
00:48:06Off
00:48:06With
00:48:06Some
00:48:06Chocolate
00:48:07Sauce
00:48:09Oh
00:48:10Yeah
00:48:12Stir
00:48:12That
00:48:13Bad
00:48:13Boy
00:48:13Up
00:48:16One
00:48:16Disaster
00:48:17On
00:48:17The
00:48:17Rocks
00:48:17For
00:48:17The
00:48:17Over
00:48:18Confident
00:48:18Young
00:48:18Bloke
00:48:20Can
00:48:21I
00:48:21Tap
00:48:21Out
00:48:21Now
00:48:21Thought
00:48:22You
00:48:22Didn't
00:48:22Need
00:48:22To
00:48:22Tap
00:48:23Out
00:48:23You
00:48:23The
00:48:23Ritla
00:48:24Remember
00:48:26Drink
00:48:26Up
00:48:27And
00:48:28If
00:48:28You
00:48:28Are
00:48:28Going
00:48:28To
00:48:28Bar
00:48:28Do
00:48:29It
00:48:29That
00:48:29Way
00:48:32This
00:48:33Boy
00:48:34Thing
00:48:34Is
00:48:38Well
00:48:40I
00:48:42Did
00:48:47Did
00:48:47That
00:48:50I
00:48:52Know
00:49:02we won't be doing that anymore now will we you fucking dummy
00:49:33you okay i am now nice barf fest oh yeah yeah i know all about that at my old apartment
00:49:42i
00:49:42accidentally ate a roach how do you accidentally eat a roach i was making food in my kitchen i
00:49:49turned my back for like two seconds and the little dirt bag made a break for my sandwich
00:49:53of course i didn't notice so i put the other piece of bread on top of the roach and didn't
00:49:58realize i was sharing my sandwich till it was too late i would have needed a tongue transplant
00:50:02after that oh yeah i was in the bathroom for the rest of the night was at least a small
00:50:08roach oh
00:50:09no small roaches were not welcome in my old apartment only the big ones these were the
00:50:13kind of roaches that could go to the bank and take out a loan that's how big they were
00:50:18as much as i loathe roaches i'd rather eat one than drink that nasty shit again i didn't think
00:50:24you were actually going to drink it i thought you would have been like i'm not drinking that
00:50:28shit are you knocking futz and i would have been like okay i wouldn't have drank it either but
00:50:33you went above and beyond you could have stopped me i could have but there's no entertainment value in
00:50:52what's this it's a poke war i'm at my wit's end make my day twat scratch
00:50:59french french yeah you are
00:51:06you got one you got one you got one oh you're a classic you got one i got you
00:51:20do you
00:51:24do you want do you want do you want some more chips um yeah chip me
00:51:46now as much as i'd like to relive my childhood there are some perks to being an adult
00:51:51like soiling the things that made being a kid so great i'm a huge children's show conspiracist
00:51:57me too let me hear one of your theories let me hear one of yours i asked you first i
00:52:02asked you
00:52:02second okay i have one for out of the box you remember that show of course okay well get ready
00:52:10to hate me because your beloved out of the box glorified pedophilia what look at the premise a
00:52:17bunch of kids go and play in a box with a grown-ass man and a grown-ass woman tony
00:52:22and vivian were
00:52:23saints were they did you ever ask yourself what do they really want and more importantly did these
00:52:30kids parents give tony and vivian permission to play with their kids for hours on end in a box
00:52:37unsupervised i think not i would have never gotten pedophilia from out of the box of course not
00:52:44but who were tony and vivian what did they do for a living and why did they have so much
00:52:50free time
00:52:50to play with these kids alone in a fucking box the whole come play with us ploy was just a
00:52:56way to
00:52:57lure these innocent children away so tony and vivian these so-called saints could have their way with
00:53:03them that sounds like a defamation lawsuit in the works what these are just theories fictitious notions
00:53:09to help people like me who wish they could live in the 90s forever cope with the lost early years
00:53:15if i ruin the images of my favorite childhood shows cuts back on the sense of longing i'm just having
00:53:21a
00:53:21little fun with you i'm in the same boat i know so tell me one of your theories i have
00:53:27a johnny bravo
00:53:28theory let's hear it okay so i always found myself asking after watching johnny bravo why he never gets
00:53:40any girls yes he's an asshole yes he's arrogant yes he lacks subtlety but in the real world how many
00:53:48girls go after jerks a lot so every girl that johnny has any type of interaction with always hates him
00:53:55i don't buy it well he did live at home with his mom these girls don't know that how could
00:54:02they know
00:54:02that they're just meeting him for the first time but that's something else here's my theory on why
00:54:08he's so unlucky with the ladies the johnny bravo that we as audience members see isn't the real johnny
00:54:14bravo the real johnny bravo is short bald possibly smelly rotund see in his distorted mind he created an
00:54:24idealized projection of his inner self the person he aspired to be so on the inside he's tall good
00:54:30looking strapping the quintessential manly man in the johnny bravo universe the women that interact
00:54:38with johnny bravo aren't seeing the johnny bravo that we see they're seeing a loser his true self
00:54:45i'll never look at johnny bravo the same way that's all i wanted so tell me something is it
00:54:54true that girls hate it when guys send hey is the first message i'm indifferent to the whole creative
00:54:59first message thing but i do have some friends that get pretty flustered is it also true that girls dms
00:55:07are 50 graphically perverted and 50 bland as hell no it's more like 80 graphically perverted and 20
00:55:16percent bland as hell so what's the weirdest thing a guy said to you oh i have a hall of
00:55:22fame of weird
00:55:23messages most of them i don't like to repeat but i did have this one guy ask if he could
00:55:28lick the back
00:55:28of my neck what yep he didn't lead into it didn't prepare me for his creepazoidery he just went for
00:55:36it and usually i'd block eyes like that immediately but i was kind of curious so i asked why do
00:55:42you
00:55:42want to lick the back of my neck and he said he wanted to know what a champion oh i
00:55:51hate people
00:55:51sometimes sometimes oh and i can't tell you how many dick pics i get i get one like every fucking
00:55:58day
00:55:58i got one this morning shit have you ever sent a dick pic nope that's not even a consideration
00:56:04that shit travels online like an oil spill i'm not gonna lose my job because there's pictures of me
00:56:11and mr pink floating around why is your penis called mr pink because he goes in vaginas and vaginas are
00:56:19pink not all of them ew so what's the weirdest thing a girl's ever said to you i once
00:56:28had this girl ask me if she could borrow twenty thousand dollars to bail her dad out of jail
00:56:32are you serious very and i told her that i couldn't because i just spent 20k bailing my own dad
00:56:40out of
00:56:40jail trats i also had this one girl ask me if i was interested in letting her stick a stalk
00:56:46of celery
00:56:47up my ass god damn gertrude my messages are split in four categories the weirdy pants the tireless
00:56:55spam bots the racist bozos and the chill chicas am i a chill chica you are i fucking better be
00:57:04i think it's funny how online dating has become a legitimate way to make a connection with someone
00:57:10but i still won't admit that i use it you have no idea how true that is i think like
00:57:15three of my
00:57:16friends know that i use dating apps because i mean yes it's commonplace but you still get judged so hard
00:57:22for it like why are you talking to people online that's so weird you can't find a boyfriend online
00:57:28like is it my life or is it yours please say that again for our listeners at home
00:57:36is it my life or is it yours tell it tell it like a t-i is
00:57:43give me some
00:57:46put your hand down there you go there you go oh
00:57:49look at the puppy my friend just sent me this
00:58:04look at his little ears if you do not think this is cute you have the devil in you
00:58:09no it is i just don't understand why people go cuckoo for coco pups every time they see a puppy
00:58:15or
00:58:15any other furry pint-sized animals because they're the cutest things ever and they represent all that's
00:58:21good in the world but here's what i'm trying to understand people die every day no one seems to
00:58:28care but let a puppy die or kitten die in this mass hysteria did you not hear what i just
00:58:33said cute
00:58:35animals represent all that's good in the world their only responsibility is to be cute and fluffy and
00:58:41let me hug your little five chairs is the baby voice necessary yes
00:58:47miss popular okay you want to see one of the messages guys send me here that violates so many
00:58:55health codes welcome to my dms sorry zanzi stan 46 but your ass is getting blocked these guys are
00:59:02barbarians i appreciate how disgusted you are but i'm sure you've sent your titillating messages
00:59:08nope i'm the boring guy really i usually start off with hey or what's your favorite tv show
00:59:17i mean look at our combos i haven't said anything too racy that's actually true you have been pretty
00:59:22racy tonight though because i'm comfortable i have that effect on people okay colonel comfortable how
00:59:30many girls have you brought back here not including me well that's certainly escalated look the past
00:59:36is the past i'm not gonna hold anything against you i'm just curious i mean in total six girls have
00:59:43been here one of whom was underage um i didn't do anything with her i thought she was 24 the
00:59:53second i
00:59:53realized that she was born post the amanda show i made her leave so one of the six girls you
01:00:00didn't
01:00:00do anything with what about the other ones you're not even trying to approach this with any delicacy
01:00:08why not just ask what you really want to ask how many girls have i slept with how many in
01:00:13my whole
01:00:14life four only four only four you want to get specific i was a virgin all through high school
01:00:23i lost my virginity when i was 20 and only had one other partner in college after graduating i started
01:00:31using the dating apps and only managed to hook up with two girls no game actually and i'm not saying
01:00:37this to brag my body count could have been higher i had opportunities so why didn't you get it in
01:00:43i
01:00:43know any guys to shy away from sex why are you shaking your head because i'm gonna sound like
01:00:49such a wimp after saying this let me decide that all right i haven't had many partners because i guess
01:00:57i like the idea of being a mac more than actually being a mac now of course in the presence
01:01:05of my boys
01:01:06i've had women all around town but i want to return the honesty that you shared with me with a
01:01:11little
01:01:12honesty of my own i say a lot of things but i'm not having sex like that i mean i
01:01:19can be very
01:01:20sexually explicit with the things that i say but actually going out there and knocking them dead
01:01:27the only person aside from you that knows this is my friend hutt and even he gets the edited version
01:01:33he thinks i've just hit a dry spell he doesn't know my low number of sexual partners is purposeful
01:01:45all right i give you full permission to rag on me i just don't want you thinking that i'm just
01:01:50the
01:01:50average fuck boy because i'm really not so so does this mean your dick isn't really named mr pink
01:01:58his real name is sheldon but he has been known to answer to mr pink sometimes
01:02:05i don't know you're telling me the truth what if this is just a line you feed all the other
01:02:09girls
01:02:10i would do that even if i was trying to run game one year i wouldn't do it by downplaying
01:02:15the number
01:02:16of girls i've slept with why not sensitive guys are in nothing that i'm saying is a line this is
01:02:22the real
01:02:22picazo isn't there women's intuition you have a knack for sensing the
01:02:29shit of the bull is there anything telling you that i'm being dishonest
01:02:36i'm all talk truthfully the idea of hooking up with hundreds of girls
01:02:43kind of gives me anxiety but i wear the pimp hat because you're a chameleon
01:02:52i've only been with five guys for the record i haven't had sex in over three years
01:02:58been on some dates but nothing got physical not since mr not so perfect
01:03:05do you go to these guys houses at first i vowed to keep meetings in public areas you know just
01:03:11in
01:03:11case i had to deal with another psycho but then i realized a lot of guys wear their mr perfect
01:03:18masks
01:03:19they say what they think they need to say to get the second date anything to get the final prize
01:03:25which is boom boom boom when i finally got my zing back and stopped thinking every guy was a predator
01:03:33i started accepting invitations to houses which i know is a very unsafe thing to do but
01:03:40i think the best way to observe someone is in their natural habitat their home
01:03:46i'm not a complete lame brain i do have mace and other defensive materials on deck
01:03:51no i'm the scared one just what i wanted
01:03:56okay i want to see something i want to see your best fuck boy what act like i'm not me
01:04:03you're not you
01:04:05we're strangers in the night how would you approach me if you were actually the player you pretend to be
01:04:11isn't it too early for role playing shut up come on this is your chance to authenticate your
01:04:16smoothness i want to see you pick me up but i already got you to my apartment we're not in
01:04:22your
01:04:22apartment pretend we're in a cafe i'm already here drinking my raspberry iced latte you come in for
01:04:31your usual double espresso and crumb cake you see me over yonder attached to my phone whatever does the
01:04:38big player player do you really want to do this i wasn't oddly specific for nothing okay
01:04:57okay cut can you not walk like you're about to backhand me i was just feeling out the character all
01:05:03right do it again
01:05:25hi hello what's that raspberry latte yes it is hmm sweet drink for a sweet lady
01:05:35okay you're not good at this no no no no let me let me do it again sweet drink for
01:05:40a sweet lady that
01:05:41works on some girls doesn't work on this girl start over start over but you're really not doing
01:05:47well oh everybody's a critic
01:06:09hey hi
01:06:12i see you're enjoying your drink and i don't want to take up too much of your time but
01:06:17i knew i'd kick myself later if i didn't come over and say something even if nothing comes of it
01:06:22i'm daryl you don't have to tell me your name i'll just i'll just call you beautiful
01:06:30i've seen you in here every day this week coming in drinking your latte and i've always wanted to talk
01:06:36to you but i'm sure you've got guys kicking down your door all the time so
01:06:41the original plan was just to let you have this time to yourself but seven times i've seen you here
01:06:50seven times usually i don't believe in signs but this can't be ignored i had to come talk to you
01:06:58now
01:07:01i'm not asking for your number and i'm not asking you on a date i just wanted to introduce myself
01:07:08so i'm gonna go over there and grab my double espresso and crumb cake then go sit over there and
01:07:16if you wanted to join me
01:07:20i would not mind that
01:07:24nice to meet you beautiful
01:07:50not too shabby daryl not too shabby at all i'm not a wizard but i got the magic saying
01:07:57shit like that is gonna null everything you just did so don't wear that okay do i get your stamp
01:08:03of
01:08:03approval though i suppose then where's my reward what do you want some heroin would be nice sure let
01:08:11me just grab some from my purse no but there is something that i do want and what would that
01:08:18be
01:08:21um um
01:08:24i uh
01:08:28oh my god
01:08:38you're terrible at being yourself you know that you know i wanted to kiss you
01:08:44duh we've been leaning up to it for a while now you should have kissed me when we're by the
01:08:47stairs
01:08:48i know i wanted to that would have been a moment i just i usually like to ask girls before
01:08:54i kiss them
01:08:55why i don't want to throw myself on someone that's weird you wouldn't have been throwing
01:09:02yourself on me i wanted it too what if you didn't that's what the mace is for
01:09:09after you shave do you slap on the aftershave or do you dab it on gently dab it on gently
01:09:14of course you
01:09:16do sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind you talked about women's intuition right guys have
01:09:22it too you knew i wanted to kiss you you felt exactly what i felt you should have just went
01:09:28for it
01:09:38much better but next time do it without us having to talk about it next time next time
01:09:49where are we supposed to watch a movie tonight i think we were we still can young is the night
01:09:56you want to pick i shall pick the genre comedy all the way there's comedy you want it's comedy
01:10:03you'll get i know exactly what to choose
01:10:32this new edition of big bang creation up i'm more just placing the headphones to turn on and start
01:10:37them flip my keyboard and say beg your pardon as i pursue to join the squadron astronaut is starting and
01:10:43starving no comedy like stevie and harvey cause they did not regard me proportions of gold
01:10:48control is gold space is powered by produce and flow this fast food grab produce and go from low
01:10:54hopefully how we can go go and the people of earth are so low and i'm just an alien awaiting
01:11:01them
01:11:01in a starship from the motherland in another land just another man the beat funky make it rough
01:11:08say brother man like 70s sold by your future man where we go where we go where we go where
01:11:17we go
01:11:20up we go up we go up we go up up we go up we go up we go up
01:11:30and where we go up we go up
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