- 6 hours ago
No Doubt (2019) [Full Movie] [Recommended]Full EP - Full
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00:00:28You
00:00:31All right
00:00:32So
00:00:34Mano y Mano
00:00:35How many girls ask you if Picasso is your real name?
00:00:39One I'd like to talk about
00:00:41Especially since a lot of them argue with me when I tell them it is my real name
00:00:44Like how are you going to tell me what my name is?
00:00:46I think I know more about it than you do
00:00:50She's cute
00:00:52Got you 20 bones she has a kid
00:00:54How can you tell that from one inconspicuous photo?
00:00:57Always trust the bubbling stomach
00:00:59Why is your stomach bubbling?
00:01:01Just scroll
00:01:06Ew, Maddie, you're right
00:01:09Of all the photos you're going to post of your kid
00:01:11Why would you post the one directly after you gave birth?
00:01:14She looks hideous
00:01:15I guess she was going for the natural beauty thing
00:01:17Nothing beautiful about that
00:01:19Is that her placenta?
00:01:21Gladly swiping left
00:01:23Wait, wait, wait, wait
00:01:24Okay, which one is she?
00:01:26Every photo is her with the same four girls
00:01:29I'm trying to find this right now
00:01:31And she wants to play Where's Fucking Waldo?
00:01:33I detest that shit
00:01:34You know when girls do that?
00:01:35It's usually because they're the ugliest one out of their group of friends
00:01:38Then it must be this one
00:01:41Duff, you have been spotted
00:01:43Ooh, she looks like fucking Beetlejuice
00:01:47She does
00:01:47To the left
00:01:50To the left
00:01:51Oh yeah, you're 25
00:01:5325 times 2
00:01:57Oh, here we go
00:01:58Officially head over heels
00:02:00Check it out
00:02:00Close up of her eye
00:02:02And
00:02:02Yep, that's her only photo
00:02:04Who wouldn't want to swipe right?
00:02:07Beats me
00:02:10Oh, hold on
00:02:10Let me see something
00:02:13You've got quite a few messages
00:02:16Master Picasso
00:02:16A lot more than I thought you'd have
00:02:18Well, if you open up the conversation
00:02:19You'll see that they're mostly just lonely hey's
00:02:21That no one ever responded to
00:02:23You can't just say hey to these girls
00:02:25The second you match with them
00:02:27You gotta do something to show them
00:02:29That you're not just one of the millions of guys
00:02:30That want to make bacon with them
00:02:31But I do want to make bacon with them
00:02:33Well, you're not gonna put anything in the pan
00:02:34With a dry fucking DM like hey
00:02:37Every hot girl's DM
00:02:38Is 50% lewd messages
00:02:4050% haze
00:02:41You gotta find the middle ground
00:02:43You gotta do something unique
00:02:44Well, my haze did work on someone
00:02:47Oh, this girl
00:02:48Sissany
00:02:49Yeah
00:02:50We've been talking for like two weeks
00:02:51And I can actually keep a conversation going with her
00:02:54No lags
00:02:55No
00:02:55Pretending to be interested
00:02:56And it's a good deal
00:02:58And we text like every day
00:03:00You guys met in person yet?
00:03:02No
00:03:03Is a face-to-face meeting in the works?
00:03:06Nope
00:03:14Dude, what are you stop
00:03:15What is that for?
00:03:16That's for preferring to talk to an attractive young woman
00:03:18On your phone
00:03:19Than talking to her pussy lips in real time
00:03:21I've seen catfish
00:03:23And if I've learned anything from Neve and Max
00:03:25Is that anything that seems too good
00:03:26Really is too good
00:03:27Right now this girl's on a pillar, you know
00:03:30She's cool, she's chill
00:03:31And I don't want to ruin what we have by meeting her in person
00:03:34Like what if she's a guy?
00:03:36Or what if she is who she says she is
00:03:38But her real-life personality pales in comparison to her online personality
00:03:42When I'm not looking for girls to fuck
00:03:44I can just sit back, unwind, and shoot the shit with Sissany
00:03:50What the-what-stop!
00:03:51Stop!
00:03:52What the fuck kind of logic is that?
00:03:53This girl responded to your boring-ass hay
00:03:56And has sustained conversation with you for weeks
00:03:58She's pretty
00:03:59She clearly likes the same things as you
00:04:01Look, she's gotten a courage in the cowardly dog shirt for crying out loud
00:04:04This girl will fuck the potatoes out of you
00:04:06Yeah, but what if she's a catfish?
00:04:08What if she's not a catfish?
00:04:09Picasso
00:04:11Listen to me with both ears, alright?
00:04:14If you haven't at least discussed the possibility of meeting this girl in person
00:04:18By the next time I see you
00:04:19I will personally give you a vasectomy with a rusty safety pin
00:04:24Capisce?
00:04:26Her vagina is calling your name, dude
00:04:30Oh, Picasso
00:04:33Oh, Picasso
00:04:34Just give me that salami
00:04:36Just give me that sausage
00:04:38I can take it
00:04:40Come on, shove it in there, big boy
00:04:42Come on, shove it in there, big boy
00:04:43Come on, shove it in there
00:04:44Please, stop it
00:04:45Please, stop it
00:04:45Please, stop it
00:04:46You're a sex body
00:04:46Stop it
00:04:47Oh, my God
00:04:47Oh, my God
00:05:03Look, I graduated
00:05:05Get through anything
00:05:06If magic made it
00:05:07That's magic, ain't it
00:05:09Graduated from public school
00:05:10That's special
00:05:11And
00:05:11That's football teams
00:05:13Since 13
00:05:14They're football dreams
00:05:15Most people waiting
00:05:17On the sideline
00:05:18Waiting for one time
00:05:19In the limelight
00:05:20But tonight
00:05:21I'ma shine in the moonlight
00:05:23Made moves like Michael Jackson
00:05:25So it's time for action
00:05:26I go
00:05:27Graduated to a party bus
00:05:29I'm going to college
00:05:30I had enough
00:05:31Gonna live it up
00:05:32Pour a drink in the red cup
00:05:33Trunk white
00:05:34Gonna throw it up
00:05:34We're gonna celebrate
00:05:36We're gonna celebrate
00:05:40We're gonna celebrate
00:05:44All night
00:05:47All night
00:05:49We're gonna celebrate
00:05:52We're gonna celebrate
00:05:56Ugh, so many stairs.
00:05:59Well, technically, I can get shot anywhere.
00:06:01The fact that this is Inglewood should make a difference.
00:06:05It's actually not that sketch.
00:06:07Looks pretty nice inside.
00:06:10Asshole.
00:06:12No, but are you sure you know the plan?
00:06:14Because you tend to have selective memory,
00:06:15and I want to make sure my plan is foolproof.
00:06:18Okay, sad face means call me so I can make an exit elegantly,
00:06:23and happy face means I can stay.
00:06:27Okay, thank you very much.
00:06:30Bye, bitch.
00:06:41It'll be fine.
00:06:44It'll be fine.
00:06:47It'll be fine.
00:06:51Yeah.
00:06:53I think it'll be fine.
00:07:09Hi.
00:07:09Hey.
00:07:14You're welcome.
00:07:14Hey!
00:07:15I can't go!
00:07:15Hey!
00:07:15I can't go!
00:07:16Hey!
00:07:16You're right.
00:07:17It's all right.
00:07:17No,that's not good.
00:07:19I can't!!!
00:07:24You're right?
00:07:27I can't go!
00:07:44This is a fucking maze.
00:07:46Yeah, there's a side entrance that's closer to my apartment,
00:07:49but I thought for the sake of presentation, I might as well meet you in front.
00:07:52Well, you should know that I hate walking.
00:07:54If I could ride around in one of those electric shopping carts for the rest of my life, I would.
00:08:00Well, we don't have any electric shopping carts, but there's a few janky ones lying around that could push you
00:08:04in one.
00:08:05I might just take you up on that, but only if the cart's missing a wheel and it smells like
00:08:09this.
00:08:10Well, I'll see if I can muster up.
00:08:14How long have you been walking?
00:08:17Less than a minute.
00:08:18My feet hurt already.
00:08:19You really do hate walking.
00:08:21I did warn you.
00:08:23This hallway is kind of sketch.
00:08:25Yeah, I thought the same thing.
00:08:27Sometimes when I'm by myself, I turn around just to make sure I'm not being followed.
00:08:30Oh my god, imagine if you were.
00:08:32Like, Leatherface was just posted up at the end of the hallway.
00:08:35Like, what's up, bro?
00:08:37I think I'd turn into Usain Bolt.
00:08:40Not today.
00:08:43See, not me.
00:08:44I am one of those people that would royally piss off the horror movie audience.
00:08:48I just wait to be killed.
00:08:50I mean, what is the point in wasting Leatherface's time giving this illusion that I'm capable of engaging in foot
00:08:56chase?
00:08:57Nope.
00:08:57Just cut me open.
00:08:59I can handle it.
00:09:00Sure about that?
00:09:02Nope.
00:09:03This hallway still reminds me of The Shining, though.
00:09:05Yeah, well, if they ever do another remake, they could do it right here.
00:09:09Isn't that infuriating, another remake?
00:09:12The Shining is one of those films that should never be remade.
00:09:15No one will ever come close to what Jack Nicholson was able to achieve.
00:09:20You were supposed to agree with me?
00:09:22I'm not really crazy about The Shining.
00:09:25Well, date's over.
00:09:26Oh, well, I just think it's overrated.
00:09:28And before you draw your sword, I'm not saying it's a bad movie.
00:09:31It definitely had its effective moments, but to say it was the greatest horror movie of all...
00:09:38...tile over genuine horror.
00:09:40Plus, Cooper put his team through hell.
00:09:43If a director can't destroy the mental health of their cast and crew, they shouldn't call themselves a director.
00:09:50Um, that's a problematic statement.
00:09:53So, but here's what I think.
00:09:55Remakes give filmmakers this opportunity to resurrect previously awful movies.
00:10:00I mean, I can think of so many shitty horror films that could be remade and enriched, but instead, people
00:10:06choose to remake the classics.
00:10:08The films that should have a do-not-touch sign on them.
00:10:11You can say that again.
00:10:13Do I have to?
00:10:19Oh, not too shabby.
00:10:21Not too shabby at all.
00:10:22This is the abode.
00:10:23I live in a shoebox compared to this.
00:10:27And you have a staircase.
00:10:28See, staircases and apartments to me are just like a fuck you to the rest of us studio apartment folk.
00:10:35Like, not one, but two of my floors are bigger than your entire living space.
00:10:40Oh, there's just a bedroom up there.
00:10:41It's not that great.
00:10:42But here's the test.
00:10:44How many bathrooms do you have?
00:10:46Two.
00:10:47Ugh, that is exceptional.
00:10:49So no one can blow up your bathroom because you have one down here for all your visiting bowel unloads,
00:10:54huh?
00:10:55You don't even use the bathroom down here, do you?
00:10:57Not really.
00:10:59You young guy have got it made.
00:11:02This apartment's not that great.
00:11:04I get that you're trying to be unpresuming, but this is a pretty sick pad.
00:11:10I do not see one blemish.
00:11:12Hmm.
00:11:13Well, then you haven't looked hard enough.
00:11:14Bring your eyes this away.
00:11:17Oh, hiya.
00:11:18Destruction.
00:11:19What happened here?
00:11:20Bronx.
00:11:22Bronx as in the borough of New York City?
00:11:25No.
00:11:25Bronx as in my friend's dog, Bronx.
00:11:28Oh, goddamn, Gertrude.
00:11:29My friend Hutt got himself a husky.
00:11:32A very unwise decision.
00:11:33And why is that?
00:11:35Huskies are cuteness overload.
00:11:37Like, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and hug your face.
00:11:40No.
00:11:41The cuteness of a husky hampers people's ability to make sound decisions.
00:11:45My friend Hutt got himself a husky purely on the basis that it was his little wolfie pie.
00:11:50His words, not mine.
00:11:52Hutt got this dog and didn't read up on it.
00:11:55Huskies are balls of energy.
00:11:57They get bored easily, and when they're not stimulated, it's chewing time.
00:12:02But huskies are little wolfie pies.
00:12:04Oh, I'd love to have a husky.
00:12:06They're always so happy, and their fur is like, they're like little hairy marshmallows.
00:12:12Well, Bronx, the hairy little marshmallow, he'd be left alone in Hutt's apartment, and
00:12:17in no time, he was tearing the place apart.
00:12:19And Hutt didn't want to get mad at the dog because it was his little pup pup.
00:12:23Hutt had to get a new couch, new curtains, new shoes.
00:12:26All thanks to Bronx.
00:12:29You get off Bronx's back, all right?
00:12:32Also, if you knew what he was capable of, why did you let him stay at your apartment?
00:12:37Especially since you don't seem like a dog person.
00:12:40I'm not a dog person, but I was doing a friend a favor.
00:12:43Hutt had to go on a business trip.
00:12:45Plus, Hutt had told me that Bronx was taking puppy training classes, so I thought I didn't
00:12:51have anything to worry about.
00:12:53I left Bronx downstairs while I went upstairs to bed, and the next morning, I saw that the
00:12:57little wolfie pie had snapped on my apartment.
00:13:01And the shedding?
00:13:02These guys shed like nobody's business, just white hair clumps everywhere.
00:13:07Turned my living room into an Alaskan winter.
00:13:10So, are you gonna fix the wreckage?
00:13:13I got a guy coming next week.
00:13:15And Hutt gave me money to pay for the damages.
00:13:18But this looks terrible, doesn't it?
00:13:21Yeah, but doesn't take away from how bitchin' this pad is.
00:13:25I'd still take your place over mine any day of the week.
00:13:29For a second, though, I thought those scratches were the result of the victim trying to escape.
00:13:37You're welcome.
00:13:39I tried to go along with the last girl who made that joke, but apparently I was too convincing
00:13:44because her whole demeanor changed, and she called the Uber with the quickness.
00:13:49Well, this is kind of American cycle-y.
00:13:52You know, a young guy living in a nice place by himself, nonetheless, right?
00:13:57Yeah.
00:13:58You could so be a serial killer.
00:14:01The same could be said about you.
00:14:03People always think it's the guy who invites the girl over to kill her.
00:14:06But what about the girl that comes over the guy's house to kill him?
00:14:10You're right.
00:14:11Femme Patels, they are out there.
00:14:13Online dating requires so much trust.
00:14:16My biggest fear is that I'm gonna meet Justine,
00:14:19only to find out that she's really Justin.
00:14:23But the fact that I could be meeting someone that could possibly end my life
00:14:27or cause me great harm,
00:14:30something I don't think about as much as I should.
00:14:33Well, that's a reality I've experienced set on.
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:42It was a little over three years ago.
00:14:44I met this guy on this app.
00:14:47It was on a different one I used to use.
00:14:49I don't use it anymore.
00:14:52Um, but we'd been talking for a couple months and I thought he was...
00:15:02I was trying to think of another word for Mr. Perfect, but whatever, he was Mr. Perfect.
00:15:07I should have known that Mr. Perfect is never Mr. Perfect.
00:15:13He was Mr. Perfect at pretending to be Mr. Perfect.
00:15:17But anyway, we decided to meet up and I had the bright idea of inviting him over to my place.
00:15:25As soon as he got there, I knew that he didn't actually want to spend time with me.
00:15:29He just...
00:15:30He wanted to do the deed.
00:15:33Everything he said had something to do with sex and I immediately knew this was gonna suck.
00:15:42So, I wanted to watch a movie on my shitty little couch, but he insisted that we watch it on
00:15:47my bed.
00:15:48Another trap I fell into.
00:15:51But I just...
00:15:53I felt uncomfortable and I thought,
00:15:56be nice, watch the movie, and maybe he'll go home.
00:16:01And not five minutes into the movie, he's kissing me and just being really rough.
00:16:08And I tried pushing him off, but then he just got stronger and he made this really awkward eye contact.
00:16:15And he said,
00:16:17You want me to leave, right?
00:16:19Well, I will.
00:16:20Right after this.
00:16:24And here's the kicker.
00:16:26I...
00:16:28I didn't fight back.
00:16:31I didn't scream.
00:16:33I...
00:16:33I could have done anything in my power to get him off.
00:16:37I could have done all these things I always told myself I'd do if something like this would ever happen
00:16:42to me.
00:16:44But then I thought I could be the next headline on one of those Facebook articles.
00:16:52Woman raped and murdered by online date.
00:16:57So, I just lied there.
00:17:01And I cried.
00:17:04And I guess that turned him off because he got off of me and left.
00:17:11And then he blocked me and I never heard from him again.
00:17:19I'm sorry.
00:17:20Things just got really fucking dark.
00:17:22Note to self, don't tell almost getting raped stories.
00:17:26And now I'm trying to make light of it.
00:17:28Oh my god.
00:17:29There's no coming back from this, is there?
00:17:33Thanks for sharing that with me.
00:17:35And now you're thanking me.
00:17:37I don't even know what to say.
00:17:39Oh my god.
00:17:40This is like something you share on the 15th date.
00:17:43No, it's...
00:17:45You're right.
00:17:45I don't know what I should be saying, but...
00:17:47That guy's...
00:17:49That's the hideous fucking guy.
00:17:51Yeah, it wasn't a great time for me.
00:17:53I mean, I almost stopped online dating altogether, but it's like...
00:17:57If you get attacked at a grocery store, you're going to stop food shopping?
00:18:00No.
00:18:02No, I'm really not trying to make light of this.
00:18:05I just...
00:18:05No, you're fine.
00:18:09So, I thought I'd give it another chance.
00:18:11And I know most people in my position wouldn't do that, but...
00:18:16You're strong.
00:18:19Yeah, if you say so.
00:18:23It took me a long-ass time to get back here, but...
00:18:27Here I stand, and...
00:18:29Thankfully, since then, all I've had to deal with is harmless hoosers.
00:18:33I hope.
00:18:34I don't become one of those harmless losers.
00:18:36Oh, only the night will come.
00:18:38Okay, I know it'll get us back on track.
00:18:40You got any outpeak?
00:18:41Yes.
00:18:41What do you want?
00:18:42Bud Light?
00:18:43No.
00:18:45Budweiser?
00:18:46No.
00:18:47Sam Adams?
00:18:49No.
00:18:50Okay, what do you have?
00:18:51I have Apple Ale.
00:18:52Anything else?
00:18:57No.
00:18:58So, you asked me what I wanted when you already knew you only had one selection of Alki.
00:19:03I was hoping you'd ask for Apple Ale.
00:19:05That's not even a real beer.
00:19:07That's like promising me a ticket to a Destiny's Child reunion concert, only to find out Beyoncé won't be there.
00:19:14Michelle and Kelly are talented in their own right.
00:19:17In their own right.
00:19:18That was such a backhanded compliment.
00:19:20That's not what I meant.
00:19:21They are talented.
00:19:22The only thing they did was elevate Beyoncé's eminence.
00:19:25They'd sing and dance circles around you.
00:19:27Well, of course they would.
00:19:28I'm not musically or rhythmically inclined.
00:19:30I think Michelle has a great voice.
00:19:33And so does Kelly.
00:19:34You cannot underplay their journey.
00:19:36Their journey on Beyoncé's back?
00:19:38Technical foul.
00:19:40Okay, but who's the first person you think of when you hear the words Destiny's Child?
00:19:44Beyoncé.
00:19:45No, I actually think of Michelle.
00:19:47Have you ever been thrown out of your own apartment?
00:19:49Picasso, the only reason Destiny's Child exists was to prepare Beyoncé for the phenomenal solo career that she was destined
00:19:56for.
00:19:57That's all any boy or girl group is.
00:19:59They're meant to showcase how great the lead singer is so they can go solo and become megastars.
00:20:04Look at NSYNC.
00:20:05Who's the first person you think of?
00:20:06Justin Timberlake.
00:20:07No, J.C.
00:20:08I always thought he had a better voice than J.Tims.
00:20:11J.Tims?
00:20:12What is he, your fucking golf buddy?
00:20:15Okay, fine.
00:20:16Forget NSYNC.
00:20:17What about Backstreet Boys?
00:20:18Who do you think of?
00:20:19Bryant.
00:20:20No, actually AJ.
00:20:22Okay, now you're deliberately disagreeing with me.
00:20:24You know I'm right.
00:20:26Okay, here we go.
00:20:28B2K, who drove that group?
00:20:30Omarion.
00:20:31Yes, IMX.
00:20:33Marcus Houston.
00:20:34H-Town.
00:20:36Dino.
00:20:37Can you imagine what that feels like?
00:20:39To know the group you're in wouldn't be shit without the lead singer.
00:20:42To know your millions of fans are probably just fans of the lead singer.
00:20:47Wait, so did you still want that appaleo?
00:20:50I mean, since there's nothing else, fine.
00:21:05Thank you, thank you.
00:21:06Yep, yep.
00:21:10So what's the deal with your name?
00:21:12I gotta get to the bottom of this.
00:21:13What do you mean, what's the deal with it?
00:21:15Is Picasso your real name?
00:21:16I'm sure you've answered that a million times, but you've never answered me.
00:21:19My real name is Picasso.
00:21:21It's spelled like Picasso, but it's pronounced Pic-a-so.
00:21:25And who decided Picasso is the name for you?
00:21:28The legend goes that my mom had a list of names, and she didn't know which one to pick.
00:21:34And my dad was very, very impatient.
00:21:37Annoyingly so.
00:21:39Pick.
00:21:40Pick.
00:21:41Pick a fucking name, you trick-ass bitch.
00:21:44My dad would never talk to my mom about that.
00:21:46I was just taking some creative liberties.
00:21:48Okay, I think I know how this ends.
00:21:49Your dad kept telling your mom to pick.
00:21:52She got fed up and named you Picasso as a former rebellion.
00:21:55No.
00:21:56Picasso was actually one of the names on her list.
00:22:0024 years later, and I still don't know where she got it from.
00:22:03She swears it had nothing to do with Pablo Picasso, and she gets really upset when people
00:22:07say, well, isn't his name Picasso?
00:22:11She's adamant that I was named Picasso, and I shouldn't let anyone call me Picasso.
00:22:15Well, wouldn't she be proud?
00:22:17I've been calling you Picasso all night, and you haven't corrected me.
00:22:19I won't correct anyone.
00:22:20I wish my name was Picasso.
00:22:22That's why I answered to it.
00:22:23Picasso sounds like the villain in an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog.
00:22:26I could so see that.
00:22:28For some reason, I'm envisioning a spider-like scarecrow that comes to life and eats your
00:22:35happiness.
00:22:35Oh, I'd watch that episode.
00:22:37Bet your ass you'd watch that episode.
00:22:40So I have something.
00:22:42Why online dating?
00:22:45Because it's there.
00:22:46I feel like that's so generation-wide.
00:22:49We're too school for cool.
00:22:51We refuse to find romance the way our parents did.
00:22:54We have to do it technologically.
00:22:56Isn't that so ironic, though?
00:22:58That we're connecting with someone on a device that isolates us from any and everyone?
00:23:05I was so Jaden Smith just then.
00:23:07Wait, I have a Jaden Smith-ism.
00:23:09I wish I had a giant toilet to flush away the world's problems.
00:23:14Whoa.
00:23:15Thank you, thank you.
00:23:16If baby goats are called kids, can kids be called baby goats?
00:23:20Mmm, bah.
00:23:24Haircuts are cranial abortions.
00:23:28Are we reading books?
00:23:30Are books reading us?
00:23:34So what about you?
00:23:36Why was online dating the way to go?
00:23:37Phone's a safety net.
00:23:39Online, you can be anyone.
00:23:41You can say anything.
00:23:42If you get rejected by a girl, you can just block her.
00:23:45But if you get shut down in real life, you've got to wallow in that defeat.
00:23:48You can't just act like nothing happened like you can online.
00:23:52Yeah, but in the same respect, when you meet someone in person, even if they're not interested,
00:23:58they still have to acknowledge you.
00:24:00I mean, at least the manly person will acknowledge you.
00:24:02You're there in the flesh making your interests known, whereas online you get so many messages
00:24:08that people don't respond to.
00:24:10You know, there's nothing that compels people to give you a chance.
00:24:13Yeah, but there's thousands of options online.
00:24:15You'll get it in eventually.
00:24:17I didn't mean that.
00:24:19I was just like...
00:24:20Removes foot for mouth?
00:24:28Hello, nurse.
00:24:32Are you afraid of the dark?
00:24:34The complete series.
00:24:37That sounded unenthusiastic.
00:24:39Are you afraid of the dark is such a whatever show.
00:24:41Oh, when it comes to children's horror anthology, Goosebumps takes the cake.
00:24:45You think Goosebumps was a better show than Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:48Sissony, I'm worried about you.
00:24:50It was Light Years better than Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:24:53Ask anyone.
00:24:54Clearly you need a mental evaluation if you're going to put Goosebumps over Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:24:59I mean, on a crappy acting scale, sure.
00:25:03Are You Afraid of the Dark had less crappy performances.
00:25:06But come on, if we're talking about the nostalgia factor, nothing will trump Goosebumps.
00:25:12This is a series that won the kiddies over in television and literature.
00:25:16Mad props to R.L. Stine, all right?
00:25:19Nah.
00:25:20There's just something so accessible about Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:25:23Here you have a diverse group of kids.
00:25:25Well, as diverse as you can get for a Canadian-based program set in the 90s.
00:25:30But these kids had their own little clique, the Midnight Society.
00:25:34And they sit around and tell campfire tales.
00:25:37What kid can't relate to telling ghost stories with their friends?
00:25:40The concept alone stole my heart.
00:25:44But Goosebumps was just so goddamn fun.
00:25:48See, there it is.
00:25:48Fun.
00:25:49I will agree that Goosebumps was funner.
00:25:51Or more fun.
00:25:53Why isn't funner a real word?
00:25:55It sounds like a real word.
00:25:57I think it sounds like a real word.
00:25:59Papasso, please focus.
00:26:01Goosebumps was fun.
00:26:02But Are You Afraid of the Dark was scary.
00:26:06That's why it will always fart on Goosebumps.
00:26:09The Goosebumps episodes, for the most part, were watered down.
00:26:13You could tell they were made for kids.
00:26:15But Are You Afraid of the Dark had zero chill.
00:26:19The villains were scary.
00:26:21The storylines were dark.
00:26:23And they had no problem ending a tale on a down note.
00:26:26They went there.
00:26:27I always appreciate kid content that doesn't censor itself.
00:26:32Because kids are basically pint-sized adults, right?
00:26:35We can handle the bleak shit.
00:26:38I'm just saying, if I had the choice to binge watch Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark,
00:26:45I'm always going to go with Goosebumps.
00:26:47Even if my preference is solely based on the fond memories I have of buying as many Goosebumps stories as
00:26:54I could at the school book fair
00:26:56or watching the show on Saturday mornings, the happiness that Goosebumps brought me ranks it leaps and bounds above Are
00:27:03You Afraid of the Dark?
00:27:09I know what I wanted to ask you.
00:27:11How much is rent here?
00:27:12Uh, like 200-something?
00:27:14Fall off a cliff.
00:27:15You pay 200-something to live here?
00:27:16Uh, well, I own it.
00:27:17That's why.
00:27:18You're a homeowner?
00:27:20Yeah.
00:27:21You own a home?
00:27:23That is what homeowner means.
00:27:25Are you like low-key a millionaire or something?
00:27:27No.
00:27:29My grandfather built cars for Ford.
00:27:31He worked there for almost 30 years.
00:27:35He made some very nice money.
00:27:36And when he passed, he left me a little dough.
00:27:39A little dough to buy a fucking condo.
00:27:42How much did this place cost?
00:27:44No, you don't have to answer that.
00:27:46Wait, yes you do.
00:27:47How much?
00:27:48It was not cheap.
00:27:50That's what I will say.
00:27:52So, what kind of car do you drive, Beamer?
00:27:55No, a Prius.
00:27:56A Prius?
00:27:57What's wrong with Priuses?
00:27:59Do you know how much gas you save with a Prius?
00:28:01Priuses are such anticlimactic cars, you know?
00:28:04They're also fugly and they're in abundance.
00:28:07I see like 40 Priuses a day and they always make me upset.
00:28:10Why?
00:28:12Prius drivers are so smug.
00:28:14Like, ooh, look at me.
00:28:15I drive the most fuel-efficient gasoline-powered car in the country.
00:28:18And that's not a good thing?
00:28:20No, it is.
00:28:22Then why so hostile?
00:28:24I don't know.
00:28:25I'll get back to you on that.
00:28:27Also, why are you driving a Toyota car when your grandfather put his blood, sweat, and tears
00:28:33into proudly serving the Ford Motor Company?
00:28:36You can probably get discounts on Ford products.
00:28:39Not at all.
00:28:40Well, you're still lucky.
00:28:42Not that your grandpa died.
00:28:43I'm sorry about that.
00:28:44But leaving you the inheritance?
00:28:47I wish my grandpa would die and leave me some money.
00:28:50Actually, I don't need the money.
00:28:52I just wish my grandpa would die.
00:28:54I don't like my grandpa.
00:28:56He can't say anything without yelling.
00:28:58He always spits when he talks.
00:29:00He can't say thank you.
00:29:02And he always smells like olives when he doesn't even eat olives.
00:29:05Isn't it interesting how in our old age we revert back to infancy?
00:29:09We shit on ourselves freely.
00:29:11We drool when we're excited.
00:29:13Soft foods are marvelous.
00:29:15And we can say whatever we want without any backlash.
00:29:18I remember I was at the mall with my grandpa and this really obese lady walked by.
00:29:25And my grandfather said very loudly, she got the nod of neck syndrome.
00:29:33Grandpa, what is nod of neck?
00:29:36And he said, no damn neck.
00:29:41The lady heard him.
00:29:43She turned around, looked at him, and then walked away.
00:29:48Now, if I had said that...
00:29:50She would have beaten the ambition out of him.
00:29:52Exactly.
00:29:53And that wasn't the first or the last time my grandfather said something crazy like that.
00:29:58Now, my mom isn't the best cook.
00:30:01But she tries.
00:30:02Every Sunday, she would make us breakfast.
00:30:05Pancakes, eggs, fruit, you name it.
00:30:08Now, her eggs weren't so bad, but her pancakes were a calamity.
00:30:14Now, my father and I, we never say anything about it.
00:30:18We just eat the pancakes and pretend they were the best flapjacks that we ever had.
00:30:24My grandfather came over one Sunday.
00:30:27And he ate the food, no problem.
00:30:29But after breakfast, my mom asked him how he liked the pancakes.
00:30:33And he said he would like them better if they didn't taste like hot shit.
00:30:38Goddamn, Gertrude.
00:30:40My mom didn't even get offended.
00:30:42She just looked at him, laughed, and walked away.
00:30:46I look forward to that.
00:30:48Just being an old dude who doesn't know how to censor himself.
00:30:50You and me both.
00:30:52I'm going to mow kids down in my electric shopping cart.
00:30:58Thought of our generation being grandparents, though, is a little scary.
00:31:02We don't have the same sensibilities our grandparents had.
00:31:05Sock hops.
00:31:06Having to wait a whole week just to see a new episode of a TV show.
00:31:11Using landlines.
00:31:13Respecting our elders.
00:31:14Actually working to get what you want.
00:31:16Actually having talent to find success in the film and music industry.
00:31:21Having to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents before you can actually call yourselves a couple.
00:31:25I think our biggest downfall are the pop culture figures.
00:31:29Our parents and grandparents grew up with legit legends.
00:31:33Who are we supposed to brag about to our kids or grandkids?
00:31:36Fetty Wap?
00:31:37Lil Yachty?
00:31:38Bieber the Boy Wonder?
00:31:39We have J. Cole, Bryson Tiller, and your girl Beyonce.
00:31:44We've got a few icons among us, but you're right.
00:31:47It's nowhere near as special as it used to be.
00:31:50This is making me sad now.
00:31:52Wait.
00:31:53Random realization.
00:31:55You grilled me about my name, but I've never met anybody named Sisany.
00:32:00Your name's pretty out there, too.
00:32:02Well, it's a pretty uninspired story.
00:32:05I was conceived in Sisany.
00:32:07That's pretty much it.
00:32:08Where's Sisany?
00:32:09It's in Greece.
00:32:10My parents were vacationing there.
00:32:13Things got a little frisky, and then nine months later, I was plunged into consciousness.
00:32:18The only difference is my name is spelled with an E at the end.
00:32:21Isn't that unpleasant that your name brings to mind your parents having sex?
00:32:24No.
00:32:25If my parents named me after the place where they got it on, I could never hear my name
00:32:29without thinking of my parents doing unspeakable things.
00:32:34You may have some things you need to work out, then.
00:32:39You are such a guy.
00:32:42I feel like I should be offended by that.
00:32:44No, that's not a bad thing.
00:32:45It's just your apartment is a guy's apartment.
00:32:48Minimal furniture, TV larger than necessary, and I'm getting a vision that in one of your
00:32:54cabinets, you have a family-sized bag of chips in it.
00:32:57Sour cream and onion?
00:32:59How do you do it?
00:33:01As good.
00:33:03So, what do you do for fun around here?
00:33:15Kobe.
00:33:16Oh, you lucky little shit.
00:33:17Is it luck to win seven times in a row?
00:33:19This is skill, Chica.
00:33:21No, reset that shit.
00:33:22Why are you doing this to yourself?
00:33:25Hmm?
00:33:31Three, two, one.
00:33:34Ray Allen with the shot.
00:33:36Booyah!
00:33:38Where's the sportsmanship?
00:33:39It is up my ass and down the street.
00:33:43You don't have to do that.
00:33:44I'll pick it up.
00:33:45Can you get me another ale, though?
00:33:47You sure can.
00:33:48Loser.
00:33:51Oh, goodness.
00:33:52Everywhere.
00:34:11Look what I found.
00:34:12This is actually impressive.
00:34:14You could easily get your rocks off of you the internet, but you are taking it back to
00:34:19the old school with the hard copy porn.
00:34:21That deserves a slow clap.
00:34:25I actually forgot I had that.
00:34:27So, you're taking ownership, Ben.
00:34:29No cockamamie excuses?
00:34:31What could I say?
00:34:32Your friend hot left it?
00:34:34Nope.
00:34:35Tell me.
00:34:37You've had a lot of these?
00:34:38Not a lot, but there are others.
00:34:41More honesty.
00:34:42Good for you.
00:34:43One thing I will say is I don't always look through that for gratification.
00:34:48I also do it because I find something feministic about porn stars.
00:34:51You're doing so well.
00:34:53Now you're flinging shit in my face.
00:34:55I mean, doing porn isn't a glamorous line of work, despite the way it's advertised, but
00:35:01I still find something feministic about women in the porn industry.
00:35:05Yeah.
00:35:06Come in my face, Mr. Postman.
00:35:08What freedom fighters they are.
00:35:10Well, on a cursory level, it seems very demeaning, but these women are loaded.
00:35:17Loaded with semen?
00:35:19No.
00:35:20Well, yeah, but they're also loaded with cash.
00:35:23They get paid to screw.
00:35:26So, if you had a daughter and she ended up being a porn star, you'd support her?
00:35:31I wouldn't want that, but if she's of age, she can make a living however she'd like,
00:35:36as long as it's legal.
00:35:37You don't mean that.
00:35:38Look, women are sexualized every day against their will.
00:35:42Porn stars are totally and completely in control of what goes in or out of their bodies.
00:35:47They're not doing anything that they don't want to do.
00:35:50Yeah, but what about those videos where the dudes take it too far?
00:35:54They go way past their co-star's comfort level without an ounce of compassion.
00:35:57Those guys are dick shits, but for the most part, the porn industry has stipulations that
00:36:02are respected.
00:36:03I'm not saying that women should set their sights on doing porn.
00:36:05Of course not.
00:36:07I am saying those women that, for whatever reason, find themselves in that world, the
00:36:12ones with tough skin, the ones who know that they're more than just fat, tittied, bimbo
00:36:16number two, they deserve recognition for paying the bills with the assets that they've
00:36:20been blessed with.
00:36:21The assets they were blessed with.
00:36:24Um, like, 90% of porn stars have fake asses, fake boobs, fake hair, fake lips, fake eyes.
00:36:32Well, they were blessed with the money to adorn themselves.
00:36:34Yeah, but why are they doing that?
00:36:36They're doing that to follow some beauty chart that was created by some fucking vermin who
00:36:42thinks he has the authority to decide what makes a woman attractive.
00:36:44Yeah, but they're doing what they have to do to stay in the game.
00:36:47Yeah, but in the end, it's the men who call the shots.
00:36:50Hardly feministic.
00:36:52But the face of porn, the ones that are keeping this industry as popular as it is, are the
00:36:58women.
00:36:58Yeah, but look at the side effects.
00:37:00You got those guys out there that only know how to relate to women by what they see on
00:37:04their computer screens.
00:37:05Did you forget what happened to me?
00:37:07You're totally right.
00:37:09I'm just saying that porn stars are just doing their jobs.
00:37:11You can't blame them for the dummies out there that don't know the difference between
00:37:15reality and fantasy.
00:37:16That's like watching Man of Steel and saying, oh, Superman can fly.
00:37:22So can I.
00:37:23You both tried.
00:37:24And they're dummies, like I said.
00:37:26But porn can be a means to better oneself.
00:37:29Like, look at that girl who did porn to pay her tuition.
00:37:31She used what she had to get what she needed.
00:37:34And that's awesome.
00:37:35I know a guy that has sex with grannies to keep himself financially satiated, and he's
00:37:39hailed for it.
00:37:41Female porn stars deserve praise, too.
00:37:43You have a friend that has sex with old ladies for money.
00:37:48That is revolting.
00:37:50Gotta eat.
00:37:51No pun intended.
00:37:52That pun was so intended.
00:37:54How old is this guy?
00:37:5624.
00:37:57Of course he is.
00:37:59Yet another generation-wide distinction.
00:38:02Only a 90s baby would mitigate his probity by investing in his dick.
00:38:06You act like prostitution and being a sugar baby are new professions.
00:38:11They've been around for centuries.
00:38:13I know that, but back then people had to sell their bodies because they had no other way
00:38:18to provide for themselves.
00:38:19They also weren't proud of what they were doing.
00:38:22Does this guy enjoy having sex with grannies?
00:38:25Oh, yeah.
00:38:26Ew.
00:38:27Sex is for pleasure, not profit.
00:38:29I've always thought that any work that was legal was good work.
00:38:33And porn is legal.
00:38:35Prostitution isn't legal.
00:38:36It is in Nevada.
00:38:37Being a sugar baby isn't legal either.
00:38:39It actually is.
00:38:41The guy I told you about, he actually explained how it works.
00:38:43He hangs out with the grannies, but there's never an explicit deal to exchange money for
00:38:48sex.
00:38:48This guy, he's pretty vulgar.
00:38:52He talks about sex a lot, but it's more than that.
00:38:55His sugar mamas take care of him, and he provides them with companionship.
00:38:59Sex is just a bonus.
00:39:01It doesn't matter which way you frame it.
00:39:04Prostitution, sugar babying, porn, none of that's reputable.
00:39:08What is reputable?
00:39:09A job that requires you to keep your clothes on.
00:39:12You're in finance, right?
00:39:14Yeah.
00:39:16That's a real job.
00:39:17But it's not a job that I enjoy.
00:39:19Then why do you do it?
00:39:21Because it pays well.
00:39:23Look, for a person like my grandpa, he worked to take care of his family.
00:39:27I don't even know if he liked working for Ford, but he did it.
00:39:29That's the old school mentality.
00:39:31Work to provide, not work to enjoy.
00:39:34That's something our generation does get right, though.
00:39:37We don't do shit unless it makes us happy.
00:39:40I missed the memo, apparently.
00:39:43So, how did you get into finance if you don't like it?
00:39:48You're probably going to think I'm flinging more shit in your face, but seeing a year of high school, I
00:39:52saw everyone around me latch onto a field of study.
00:39:57I saw everyone find something that they really connected with.
00:40:01I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't know what
00:40:06I wanted to do.
00:40:06So, literally, I looked up the top 10 most popular professions.
00:40:12I wrote them all down on separate pieces of paper.
00:40:15I put them in a hat, and I picked one, and started counting.
00:40:21So, you spent four years studying something you have no interest in.
00:40:26Yeah.
00:40:27I thought by the time I turned 18, I should have found my calling, and when I hadn't, I was
00:40:31worried.
00:40:32Even now, I don't really know where I'd be if I hadn't done that college major raffle.
00:40:49The only time I don't feel out of place is when I'm sitting on my futon watching TV.
00:40:55That's why I salute porn stars and the people that you may call degenerates, because at least they're doing what
00:41:00they enjoy.
00:41:03And speaking of doing things you enjoy, you're a dramaturg.
00:41:06I've never even heard of that before you, but it's something that you're keen on.
00:41:11You contextualize the world of a play.
00:41:14You're the bridge that connects the text, the actors, and the audience.
00:41:20Do you know what any of that means, or are you just snowballing the shit I told you before?
00:41:25A little bit of both, but I'm mostly snowballing.
00:41:29We're theatrical gurus, basically.
00:41:33We're critical thinkers to the highest degree.
00:41:36We take literary info, cultural info, artistic info, and symbolic info, though that's pretty much in line with artistic info.
00:41:45And we provide all of that to our team, before and during the show.
00:41:49And then sometimes after, depending on how much of a mindfuck the play was.
00:41:54And you're working on an ecological piece now, right? The Shakespeare one?
00:41:58Yeah, we're doing an interactive adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
00:42:02There's no actual set. It takes place all outside.
00:42:04We're really playing with nature's role in this world that Shakespeare created.
00:42:09Whether he knew it or not, he really gave a voice to nature in the form of fairies.
00:42:14The forest is their home. The forest is what they know.
00:42:17And the fairies, creatures that embody nature, they're the strongest characters in the entire play.
00:42:23And the fact that they're proficient in enchantment conveys just how dominant nature is.
00:42:30So, we're really trying to bring all that out.
00:42:33I'd really like to see that.
00:42:34I can get you a ticket.
00:42:37But here's my thing about ecological theater.
00:42:40I saw this play once.
00:42:41I don't know what it was called.
00:42:43But it was about these two polar bears that were struggling to survive in a changing climate.
00:42:47One thing I could not get over was why these polar bears spoke like people.
00:42:52And not just any people.
00:42:53They spoke like characters in a mammoth play.
00:42:55Like F-words and all.
00:42:57I think I know what play you're talking about.
00:42:59Ben and Bart.
00:43:00Sure.
00:43:01But if you really want to create an ecological theater piece, wouldn't it be best to show animals and nature
00:43:06as they really are?
00:43:08I mean, I understand what you and your team are doing.
00:43:10But that's different because you're working with material that already exists.
00:43:14But this Ben and Bart stuff?
00:43:17Polar bears don't talk.
00:43:19This little buddy comedy approach, it diminished how serious climate change is.
00:43:23And it humanized a very non-human narrative.
00:43:27It would have been much more compelling to let actors that actually look like bears move around the space and
00:43:33react to what's going on without talking.
00:43:36I'd be all for that.
00:43:37But most audiences won't pay to see something like that.
00:43:40That's why you see talking trees or talking polar bears.
00:43:43We try to wrap an ecological message into the play without the audience knowing.
00:43:48Then don't advertise them as ecological plays.
00:43:51Just call them plays.
00:43:53You got any food?
00:43:56I think some chips would make you happy.
00:43:58I think you're right.
00:44:00Okay, here's one.
00:44:02Kill, fuck, marry.
00:44:04Meg, Princess Jasmine, and Princess Tiana.
00:44:09That is quite the roster.
00:44:11I would...
00:44:14It's not giving it to her, right?
00:44:16I would marry Princess Tiana because I really think she'd make me feel invincible.
00:44:21Sorry, Meg.
00:44:22Of course you'd kill the most underrated Disney princess in the world.
00:44:27What other princess gives you cynicism, beauty, and background?
00:44:30Still got to kill her.
00:44:31You're such an ass dragon.
00:44:33Okay.
00:44:33I was getting serious.
00:44:35Hmm.
00:44:36Prince Charming, Lee Shang, and the beast in human form.
00:44:41Um, jeez.
00:44:43Okay.
00:44:43Kill Prince Charming.
00:44:44He's too much of a square for me.
00:44:46Marry Lee Shang because I think he'd make a man out of me.
00:44:49And fuck the beast because he's a beast.
00:44:53Ah, that's a noble selection.
00:44:56Oh, yes.
00:44:57Ursula.
00:44:58Cruella de Vil.
00:44:59Mm-hmm.
00:44:59And Lady Tremaine.
00:45:01Ooh.
00:45:01I'd kill Cruella immediately.
00:45:02She's too skinny for me.
00:45:04I would marry Lady Tremaine, and I would fuck Ursula.
00:45:08I'm swimming all up in that octopussy.
00:45:10Just...
00:45:11Oh, my God.
00:45:11You really just said that.
00:45:13Ugh.
00:45:14Okay.
00:45:15I get very involved in my play-inscams, okay?
00:45:17All right.
00:45:18Jafar, Hades, and Gaston.
00:45:23Now, you'd think I'd fuck the muscle-bound Gaston, right?
00:45:26Hell no.
00:45:27He'd rather fuck himself, so I'm gonna kill him.
00:45:30Mm-hmm.
00:45:31Marry Hades because he's the ruler of the underworld.
00:45:34Can someone say sovereignty?
00:45:36Mm-hmm.
00:45:36And fuck Jafar because underneath that rough exterior, I think he'd be a generous lover.
00:45:41Now, that deserves a slow clap.
00:45:44Wait.
00:45:44I have to do it with you.
00:45:55You sure you want to do this?
00:45:56Did you not hear me when I said I'm the Riddler?
00:45:58Okay.
00:45:59Last chance to tap out.
00:46:00I don't need to tap out.
00:46:01I'm the Riddler.
00:46:02Are you really?
00:46:03Yes.
00:46:04As an only child, you have a lot of downtime.
00:46:07I read riddle books all day.
00:46:09That's not something I'd brag about.
00:46:11Whatever.
00:46:12I'm ready like SpongeBob, all right?
00:46:14Okay.
00:46:15You know what happens if you get one wrong.
00:46:16I do know, but that's not something that I need to worry about because I'm gonna ace this shit.
00:46:22Okay.
00:46:22Coming at you.
00:46:24Five of the hardest riddles.
00:46:26Five of the easiest riddles.
00:46:28Number one.
00:46:29It's more powerful than God.
00:46:30It's more evil than the devil.
00:46:32The poor have it.
00:46:33The rich need it.
00:46:34If you eat it, you'll die.
00:46:35What is it?
00:46:35Nothing.
00:46:36I have two arms, but fingers none.
00:46:38I have two feet, but cannot run.
00:46:40I carry well, but I found I carry best with my feet off the ground.
00:46:43What am I?
00:46:44Beyond wheelbarrow.
00:46:46The more you take, the more you leave behind.
00:46:48What am I?
00:46:49Fingerprints.
00:46:49You can't handle me.
00:46:51What disappears as soon as you say its name?
00:46:54Silence.
00:46:55Last one.
00:46:55Come on.
00:46:56What type of dress cannot be worn?
00:46:59That was your last one?
00:47:00Really?
00:47:00You could have done better.
00:47:02Much, much better.
00:47:04An address.
00:47:08Okay, now I have a bonus one for you.
00:47:11That wasn't a part of the deal.
00:47:12I thought you were the riddler.
00:47:14Fine.
00:47:15Riddle my boots.
00:47:16Okay.
00:47:17Went to a football game, right?
00:47:18Mm-hmm.
00:47:19The quarterback threw a pass to the wide receiver.
00:47:22The wide receiver caught it in the end zone,
00:47:24but no guys scored a touchdown.
00:47:26How can that be?
00:47:27What?
00:47:28This has to be a trick question.
00:47:29Was there a penalty or something?
00:47:31No, it was a very clean touchdown.
00:47:33They're just wearing any guys on the field.
00:47:35That can't be.
00:47:36You can't score a touchdown without any guys on the field.
00:47:39I'm telling you, no guys were playing.
00:47:41Was it an imaginary game or something?
00:47:43No, it was a very real game.
00:47:46You gotta be pulling my leg.
00:47:49You can't score a touchdown without any guys.
00:47:52What are you talking about?
00:47:53It was an all-girls football game.
00:47:56God damn, Gertrude!
00:48:00Gonna do some relish.
00:48:03Mmm.
00:48:04I think we'll top it off with some chocolate sauce.
00:48:09Oh, yeah.
00:48:12Stir that bad boy up.
00:48:14Mmm.
00:48:15One disaster on the rocks for the overconfident young bloke.
00:48:20Can I tap out now?
00:48:21I thought you didn't need to tap out.
00:48:23You're the Ritla, remember?
00:48:26Drink up.
00:48:27And if you're gonna barf, do it that way.
00:48:32Oh, yeah.
00:48:35Go.
00:48:55Go.
00:48:58Bye.
00:48:59Ugh. We won't be doing that anymore now, will we? You fucking dummy.
00:49:33You okay? I am now. Nice barf fest. Oh yeah. Yeah, I know all about that. At my old apartment,
00:49:42I accidentally ate a roach. How do you accidentally eat a roach? I was making food in my kitchen. I
00:49:49turned my back for like two seconds and the little dirt bag made a break for my sandwich. Of course,
00:49:54I didn't notice, so I put the other piece of bread on top of the roach and didn't realize I
00:49:58was sharing my sandwich.
00:49:59Until it was too late. I would have needed a tongue transplant after that. Oh yeah, I was in the
00:50:04bathroom for the rest of the night. Was there at least a small roach? Oh no. Small roaches were not
00:50:10welcome in my old apartment, only the big ones. These were the kind of roaches that could go to the
00:50:14bank and take out a loan. That's how big they were. As much as I loathe roaches, I'd rather eat
00:50:21one than drink that nasty shit again. I didn't think you were actually going to drink it. I thought you
00:50:26would have been like, I'm not drinking that shit, are you knocking futz?
00:50:29And I would have been like, okay, I wouldn't have drank it either. But you went above and beyond.
00:50:35You could have stopped me.
00:50:37You could have, but there's no entertainment value in that.
00:50:52What's this?
00:50:53It's a poke war. I'm at my wit's end.
00:50:56Make my day, twat scratch.
00:51:00Trench. Trench, screech.
00:51:01Yeah, you are.
00:51:01Yeah, you are.
00:51:02I'm at home, yeah, yeah.
00:51:04Yeah, yeah.
00:51:04There's a look.
00:51:05There's a look.
00:51:06There's a look.
00:51:06Oh, you got one.
00:51:07You got one, you got one.
00:51:08Oh, you got one.
00:51:09You got one.
00:51:09I got you.
00:51:20Do you, do you want, do you want, do you want some more chips?
00:51:26Um, yeah, chip me.
00:51:46Now, as much as I'd like to relive my childhood, there are some perks to being an adult, like
00:51:52soiling the things that made being a kid so great.
00:51:54I'm a huge children's show conspiracist.
00:51:57Me too.
00:51:58Let me hear one of your theories.
00:52:00Let me hear one of yours.
00:52:00I asked you first.
00:52:01I asked you second.
00:52:03Okay.
00:52:04I have one for Out of the Box.
00:52:06You remember that show?
00:52:07Of course.
00:52:09Okay, well get ready to hate me because your beloved Out of the Box glorified pedophilia.
00:52:15What?
00:52:16Look at the premise.
00:52:17A bunch of kids go and play in a box with a grown-ass man and a grown-ass woman.
00:52:22Tony and Vivian were saints.
00:52:23Were they?
00:52:25Were they?
00:52:25Did you ever ask yourself what do they really want?
00:52:28And more importantly, did these kids' parents give Tony and Vivian permission to play with
00:52:34their kids for hours on end in a box?
00:52:37Unsupervised?
00:52:38I think not.
00:52:39Mmm.
00:52:40I would have never gotten pedophilia from out of the box.
00:52:42Of course not.
00:52:44But who were Tony and Vivian?
00:52:46What did they do for a living?
00:52:48And why did they have so much free time to play with these kids alone in a fucking box?
00:52:54The whole, come play with us ploy was just a way to lure these innocent children away
00:52:59so Tony and Vivian, these so-called saints, could have their way with them.
00:53:03That sounds like a defamation lawsuit in the works.
00:53:06What?
00:53:06These are just theories.
00:53:08Fictitious notions to help people like me who wish they could live in the 90s forever.
00:53:13Cope with the lost early years.
00:53:15If I ruin the images of my favorite childhood shows, cuts back on the sense of longing.
00:53:20I'm just having a little fun with you.
00:53:22I'm in the same boat.
00:53:23I know.
00:53:24So, tell me one of your theories.
00:53:26I have a Johnny Bravo theory.
00:53:29Let's hear it.
00:53:31Okay.
00:53:35So, I always found myself asking after watching Johnny Bravo why he never gets any girls.
00:53:41Yes, he's an asshole.
00:53:42Yes, he's arrogant.
00:53:44Yes, he lacks subtlety.
00:53:45But in the real world, how many girls go after jerks?
00:53:49A lot.
00:53:50So, every girl that Johnny has any type of interaction with always hates him?
00:53:56I don't buy it.
00:53:57Well, he did live at home with his mom.
00:53:59These girls don't know that.
00:54:01How could they know that?
00:54:02They're just meeting him for the first time.
00:54:05But, that's something else.
00:54:07Here's my theory on why he's so unlucky with the ladies.
00:54:10The Johnny Bravo that we, as audience members see, isn't the real Johnny Bravo.
00:54:14The real Johnny Bravo is short, bald, possibly smelly, rotund.
00:54:21See, in his distorted mind, he created an idealized projection of his inner self, the person he aspired to be.
00:54:28So, on the inside, he's tall, good-looking, strapping, the quintessential manly man.
00:54:35In the Johnny Bravo universe, the women that interact with Johnny Bravo aren't seeing the Johnny Bravo that we see.
00:54:41They're seeing a loser, his true self.
00:54:46I'll never look at Johnny Bravo the same way.
00:54:48That's all I wanted.
00:54:51So, tell me something.
00:54:53Is it true that girls hate it when guys send hey as the first message?
00:54:57I'm indifferent to the whole creative first message thing, but I do have some friends that get pretty flustered.
00:55:04Hmm.
00:55:04Is it also true that girls' DMs are 50% graphically perverted and 50% bland as hell?
00:55:11No, it's more like 80% graphically perverted and 20% bland as hell.
00:55:18So, what's the weirdest thing a guy said to you?
00:55:21Oh, I have a hall of fame of weird messages.
00:55:24Most of them I don't like to repeat, but I did have this one guy ask if he could lick
00:55:28the back of my neck.
00:55:30What?
00:55:30Yep.
00:55:31He didn't lead into it, didn't prepare me for his creepazoidery, he just went for it.
00:55:36And usually, I'd block eyes like that immediately, but I was kind of curious.
00:55:41So, I asked, why do you want to lick the back of my neck?
00:55:44And he said he wanted to know what a champion tastes like.
00:55:50Oh, I hate people sometimes.
00:55:52Sometimes?
00:55:54Oh, and I can't tell you how many dick pics I get.
00:55:56I get one like every fucking day.
00:55:58I got one this morning.
00:56:00Shit.
00:56:01Have you ever sent a dick pic?
00:56:02Nope.
00:56:03That's not even a consideration.
00:56:04That shit travels online like an oil spill.
00:56:08I'm not going to lose my job because there's pictures of me and Mr. Pink floating around.
00:56:13Why is your penis called Mr. Pink?
00:56:16Because he goes in vaginas, and vaginas are pink.
00:56:20Not all of them?
00:56:23Ew.
00:56:24So, what's the weirdest thing a girl's ever said to you?
00:56:27I once had this girl ask me if she could borrow $20,000 to bail her dad out of jail.
00:56:33Are you serious?
00:56:34Very.
00:56:35And I told her that I couldn't because I just spent $20,000 bailing my own dad out of jail.
00:56:41Trats.
00:56:42I also had this one girl ask me if I was interested in letting her stick a stalk of celery
00:56:47up my ass.
00:56:48Goddamn, Gertrude.
00:56:50My messages are split in four categories.
00:56:53The weirdy pants, the tireless spam bots, the racist bozos, and the chill chicas.
00:57:00Am I a chill chica?
00:57:01You are.
00:57:02I fucking better be.
00:57:04I think it's funny how online dating has become a legitimate way to make a connection with someone, but I
00:57:11still won't admit that I use it.
00:57:12You have no idea how true that is.
00:57:14I think, like, three of my friends know that I use dating apps.
00:57:18Because, I mean, yes, it's commonplace, but you still get judged so hard for it.
00:57:23Like, why are you talking to people online?
00:57:25That's so weird.
00:57:26You can't find a boyfriend online.
00:57:28Like, is it my life or is it yours?
00:57:32Please say that again for our listeners at home.
00:57:36Is it my life or is it yours?
00:57:40Tell it, tell it like a T.I. is.
00:57:44Give me some.
00:57:46Put your hand down.
00:57:47There you go.
00:57:48There you go.
00:57:49Oh, you got it.
00:57:50Do you like this?
00:57:52No, that's wrong.
00:57:53Yeah.
00:57:56Okay.
00:58:00Look at the puppy.
00:58:02My friend just sent me this.
00:58:04Look at his little ears.
00:58:07If you do not think this is cute, you have the devil in you.
00:58:10No, it is.
00:58:11I just don't understand why people go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs every time they see a puppy or any other
00:58:15furry pint-sized animals.
00:58:17Because they're the cutest things ever.
00:58:19And they represent all that's good in the world.
00:58:22But here's what I'm trying to understand.
00:58:24People die every day.
00:58:26No one seems to care.
00:58:28But let a puppy die or a kitten die in this mass hysteria.
00:58:32Did you not hear what I just said?
00:58:34Cute animals represent all that's good in the world.
00:58:37Their only responsibility is to be cute and fluffy.
00:58:40And let me hug you little five chairs.
00:58:43Is the baby voice necessary?
00:58:45Yes.
00:58:47Ms. Popular.
00:58:49Okay, you want to see one of the messages guys send me?
00:58:52Here.
00:58:53That violates so many health codes.
00:58:56Welcome to my DMs.
00:58:58Sorry, ZanzyStan46, but your ass is getting blocked.
00:59:02These guys are barbarians.
00:59:04I appreciate how disgusted you are, but I'm sure you've sent your tail-lating messages.
00:59:08Nope.
00:59:09Hmm?
00:59:09I'm the boring guy, really.
00:59:11I usually start off with, hey, or what's your favorite TV show?
00:59:16I mean, look at our convos.
00:59:18I haven't said anything too racy.
00:59:19That's actually true.
00:59:21You have been pretty racy tonight, though.
00:59:23It's because I'm comfortable.
00:59:25I have that effect on people.
00:59:27Okay, Colonel Comfortable.
00:59:29How many girls have you brought back here?
00:59:31Not including me.
00:59:33Well, that certainly escalated.
00:59:35Look, the past is the past.
00:59:37I'm not going to hold anything against you.
00:59:39I'm just curious.
00:59:39I mean, in total, six girls have been here, one of whom was underage.
00:59:48Um...
00:59:49I didn't do anything with her.
00:59:51I thought she was 24.
00:59:52The second I realized that she was born post the Amanda show, I made her leave.
00:59:58So, one of the six girls you didn't do anything with, what about the other ones?
01:00:03You're not even trying to approach this with any delicacy.
01:00:08Why not just ask what you really want to ask?
01:00:10How many girls have I slept with?
01:00:12How many?
01:00:13In my whole life?
01:00:15Four.
01:00:16Only four?
01:00:17Only four.
01:00:19You want to get specific?
01:00:21I was a virgin all through high school.
01:00:23I lost my virginity when I was 20 and only had one other partner in college.
01:00:29After graduating, I started using the dating apps and only managed to hook up with two girls.
01:00:34No game?
01:00:35Actually, and I'm not saying this to brag, my body count could have been higher.
01:00:40I had opportunities.
01:00:41So, why didn't you get it in?
01:00:43I don't know any guys to shy away from sex.
01:00:46Why are you shaking your head?
01:00:48Because I'm going to sound like such a wimp after saying this?
01:00:50Let me decide that, alright?
01:00:54I haven't had many partners because I guess I like the idea of being a Mac more than actually being
01:01:02a Mac.
01:01:03Now, of course in the presence of my boys, I've had women all around town, but I want to return
01:01:09the honesty that you shared with me with a little honesty of my own.
01:01:13I say a lot of things, but I'm not having sex like that.
01:01:17I mean, I can be very sexually explicit with the things that I say, but actually going out there and
01:01:24knocking them dead.
01:01:27The only person aside from you that knows this is my friend Hutt, and even he gets the edited version.
01:01:33He thinks I've just hit a dry spell.
01:01:37He doesn't know my low number of sexual partners is purposeful.
01:01:45Alright, I give you full permission to rag on me.
01:01:48I just don't want you thinking that I'm just the average fuckboy because I'm really not.
01:01:53So, does this mean your dick isn't really named Mr. Pink?
01:01:58His real name is Sheldon, but he has been known to answer to Mr. Pink sometimes.
01:02:05I don't know you're telling me the truth.
01:02:07What if this is just a lie and you feed all the other girls?
01:02:10I would do that.
01:02:12Even if I was trying to run game one year, I wouldn't do it by downplaying the number of girls
01:02:16I've slept with.
01:02:17Why not? Sensitive guys are in.
01:02:19Nothing that I'm saying is a lie.
01:02:21This is the real Picasso.
01:02:24Isn't there women's intuition?
01:02:26You have a knack for sensing the shit of the bull.
01:02:31Is there anything telling you that I'm being dishonest?
01:02:36I'm all talk.
01:02:39Truthfully, the idea of hooking up with hundreds of girls kind of gives me anxiety, but I wear the pimp
01:02:47hat because...
01:02:48You're a chameleon.
01:02:52I've only been with five guys for the record.
01:02:55I haven't had sex in over three years.
01:02:58Been on some dates, but nothing got physical.
01:03:01Not since Mr. Not-So-Perfect.
01:03:05Do you go to these guys' houses?
01:03:06At first I vowed to keep meetings in public areas.
01:03:10You know, just in case I had to deal with another psycho.
01:03:14But then I realized a lot of guys wear their Mr. Perfect masks.
01:03:19They say what they think they need to say to get the second date.
01:03:23Anything to get the final prize, which is...
01:03:26The boom boom boom.
01:03:28When I finally got my zing back and stopped thinking every guy was a predator, I started accepting invitations to
01:03:35houses.
01:03:36Which I know is a very unsafe thing to do, but I think the best way to observe someone is
01:03:43in their natural habitat.
01:03:45Their home.
01:03:46I'm not a complete lame brain.
01:03:48I do have mace and other defensive materials on deck.
01:03:51No, I'm the scared one.
01:03:53Just what I wanted.
01:03:56Okay, I want to see something.
01:03:58I want to see your best fuckboy.
01:04:01What?
01:04:02Act like I'm not me, you're not you, we're strangers in the night.
01:04:07How would you approach me if you were actually the player you pretend to be?
01:04:11Isn't it too early for role playing?
01:04:13Shut up, come on!
01:04:14This is your chance to authenticate your smoothness!
01:04:17I want to see you pick me up!
01:04:19But I already got you to my apartment.
01:04:21We're not in your apartment.
01:04:23Pretend we're in a cafe.
01:04:26I'm already here drinking my raspberry iced latte.
01:04:30You come in for your usual double espresso and crumb cake.
01:04:34You see me over yonder, attached to my phone.
01:04:37Whatever does the big player player do?
01:04:41You really want to do this?
01:04:42I wasn't oddly specific for nothing.
01:04:46Okay.
01:04:57Okay, cut.
01:04:59Can you not walk like you're about to backhand me?
01:05:01I was just feeling out the character, alright?
01:05:03Do it again.
01:05:05Do it again.
01:05:24Hi.
01:05:26Hello.
01:05:27What's that?
01:05:28Raspberry latte?
01:05:30Yes it is.
01:05:31Hmm.
01:05:32Sweet drink for a sweet lady.
01:05:35Okay, you're not good at this.
01:05:37No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:05:37Let me do it again.
01:05:39Sweet drink for a sweet lady?
01:05:41That works on some girls.
01:05:42Doesn't work on this girl.
01:05:44Start over?
01:05:44Start over.
01:05:46But you're really not doing well.
01:05:47Oh.
01:05:48Everybody's a critic.
01:06:08Hey.
01:06:09Hi.
01:06:12I see you're enjoying your drink and I don't want to take up too much of your time, but
01:06:17I knew I'd kick myself later if I didn't come over and say something, even if nothing
01:06:20comes of it.
01:06:22I'm Daryl.
01:06:24You don't have to tell me your name.
01:06:25I'll just, I'll just call you beautiful.
01:06:30I've seen you in here every day this week.
01:06:33Coming in, drinking your latte, and I've always wanted to talk to you.
01:06:37But I'm sure you've got guys kicking down your door all the time.
01:06:40So the original plan was just to let you have this time to yourself.
01:06:45But seven times?
01:06:49I've seen you here seven times.
01:06:52Usually I don't believe in signs, but this can't be ignored.
01:06:56I had to come talk to you.
01:07:00Now, I'm not asking for your number.
01:07:03And I'm not asking you on a date.
01:07:05I just wanted to introduce myself.
01:07:08So I'm going to go over there and grab my double espresso and crumb cake.
01:07:13Then go sit over there.
01:07:15And if you wanted to join me, I would not mind that.
01:07:24Nice to meet you.
01:07:27Beautiful.
01:07:49Not too shabby, Daryl.
01:07:51Not too shabby at all.
01:07:53I'm not a wizard, but I got the magic.
01:07:57Saying shit like that is going to annul everything you just did.
01:08:00So don't worry that, okay?
01:08:02Do I get your stamp of approval though?
01:08:04I suppose.
01:08:06Then where's my reward?
01:08:07What do you want?
01:08:09Some heroin would be nice.
01:08:11Sure, let me just grab some from my purse.
01:08:14No, but there is something that I do want.
01:08:17And what would that be?
01:08:21Um...
01:08:22Um...
01:08:24Um...
01:08:24I, uh...
01:08:28Oh my god!
01:08:37You're terrible at being yourself, you know that?
01:08:42You know I wanted to kiss you?
01:08:44Duh!
01:08:44We've been leaning up to it for a while now.
01:08:46You should've kissed me when we were by the stairs.
01:08:48I know!
01:08:48I wanted to!
01:08:50That would've been a moment.
01:08:52I just...
01:08:52I usually like to ask girls before I kiss them.
01:08:55Why?
01:08:57I don't want to throw myself on someone, that's weird.
01:09:00You wouldn't have been throwing yourself on me.
01:09:03I wanted it too.
01:09:04What if you didn't?
01:09:06That's what the mace is for.
01:09:09After you shave, do you slap on the aftershave or do you dab it on gently?
01:09:13Dab it on gently?
01:09:15Of course you do.
01:09:17Sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind.
01:09:19You talked about women's intuition, right?
01:09:21Guys have it too.
01:09:23You knew I wanted to kiss you.
01:09:25You felt exactly what I felt.
01:09:27You should've just went for it.
01:09:38Much better.
01:09:39But next time, do it without us having to talk about it.
01:09:43Next time?
01:09:44Next time.
01:09:49Weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight?
01:09:52I think we were.
01:09:53We still can.
01:09:55Young is the night.
01:09:56You wanna pick?
01:09:57I shall pick the genre.
01:09:59Comedy all the way.
01:10:01If it's comedy you want, it's comedy you'll get.
01:10:04I know exactly what to do.
01:10:32This new edition of Big Bang creation.
01:10:34I'm more thanim The hit notifications.
01:10:36To turn on and start them
01:10:37Flip my keyboard and say beg your pardon
01:10:40As I pursue to join the squadron
01:10:42Astronaut is starting and starving
01:10:43No comedy like Stevie and Harvey
01:10:45Cause they did not regard me
01:10:46Propulsion is a gold, control is gold
01:10:49Spaceship is powered by produce and flow
01:10:51This fast food grab produce and go from low
01:10:54Hopefully how we can go
01:10:56And the people of Earth are so low
01:10:59And I'm just an alien awaiting them
01:11:01In a starship from the motherland
01:11:04In another land
01:11:05Just another man
01:11:06The beat funky make it rough
01:11:08Say brother man
01:11:09Like 70's soul by your future man
01:11:11Where we go?
01:11:13Where we go?
01:11:14Where we go?
01:11:17Where we go?
01:11:19Where we go?
01:11:19Where we go?
01:11:20Up
01:11:21We go up
01:11:22We go up
01:11:24We go up
01:11:25Up
01:11:26We go up
01:11:27We go up
01:11:29We go up
01:11:30And where we go up
01:11:31We go up
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