- 12 hours ago
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1988) [Full Movie] [Full Series]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip, somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight, while the
00:00:16moon is bright.
00:00:20He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys, to give the goniest of the girls and boys so did.
00:00:28Santa comes on big.
00:00:32He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most, when all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast.
00:00:38Dad, you're gonna flip when old Santa Nick plays a lick on a peppermint stick.
00:00:45He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place, and fill the stockings by the fireplace.
00:00:50So you'll have your lips cool.
00:01:07So you can come a-by-callin' to the men's balls.
00:01:54He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys
00:01:56To get the tallest of the boomers and boys
00:02:00So dig, Santa comes on big
00:02:06He'll come a-calling when the snow's the most
00:02:09When all the cats are sleeping warm as toast
00:02:12And you're gonna flip when old same is
00:02:16Blaze a lick on the peppermint stick
00:02:19He'll come a-fly it from a higher place
00:02:22And fill the stockets by the fireplace
00:02:25So you, have you let's cool
00:02:31Have you let's cool
00:02:41Hey, Dom
00:02:42Hey, Jake
00:02:43Hi
00:02:43Hi, I see you
00:02:4512.32.14
00:02:4712.32.14
00:02:50Hideout, hike
00:02:51Jake, thank God, let me out
00:02:53Did you get my mail?
00:02:56Math test
00:02:59Hey, minus
00:03:01All right, you made it look just good enough
00:03:03You score me those backstage passes to Dave Matthews at the Coliseum?
00:03:06All right
00:03:07Oh, that's my man
00:03:09All right
00:03:10Uh, 12.32
00:03:12Uh, what was that last number again, Ian?
00:03:15168?
00:03:1614, Jake
00:03:1614
00:03:17All right, all right
00:03:18Calm down, I got you
00:03:22Thanks, Jake
00:03:22You're welcome
00:03:23Now, Ian, what is the deal with you being sardined into your locker again?
00:03:27It was Eddie Taffin and his troglodyte trio
00:03:29They're bugged about the phony IDs we sold them
00:03:32All right, I'll take care of them later
00:03:33Right now, I need you to get on the net
00:03:34Change that ticket
00:03:35My dad got me to New York
00:03:37And the two seats to Cabo San Lucas
00:03:38Okay
00:03:39Will you be taking Allie?
00:03:41Working on that now
00:03:45Morning, ladies
00:03:46Hi, Jake
00:03:48Do those things really work?
00:03:49Yeah, I want to see
00:03:50No, no, no, it's okay
00:03:57Hi
00:04:02Ah
00:04:02Ah, zone defense, huh?
00:04:05Guess I'm not going to be able to get in
00:04:07Unless
00:04:08What's this?
00:04:10Cherry crunch
00:04:10Would I bring you anything else?
00:04:19Sierra
00:04:20I'm sure that tastes good here
00:04:21But I bet it would taste even better someplace else
00:04:23Shoo-shoo
00:04:45Hey
00:04:46Oh, hi
00:04:47What are you doing here?
00:04:49Well, you always said you wanted to see
00:04:51What it would be like to wake up next to me
00:04:53Ooh, good line
00:04:56Premeditated or spontaneous
00:04:57Oh, totally off the cuff
00:04:59I was inspired by the lovely side of you drooling on your French book
00:05:03I wasn't drooling
00:05:04I was sleeping
00:05:07Sleeping
00:05:08I can't sleep
00:05:09I've got to study
00:05:10You were studying
00:05:11Subliminally in your sleep
00:05:12You were absorbing it off the page through osmosis
00:05:14Not funny
00:05:15Give me that
00:05:16Look, Jake
00:05:17My final is in three hours
00:05:19And you're here just distracting me
00:05:20So would you please get out of here?
00:05:22Okay, okay
00:05:23Suit yourself
00:05:23I just wanted to let you know
00:05:24There's a freak storm outside
00:05:26Looks like it's snowing
00:05:28Snowing?
00:05:29We're in the middle of Southern California
00:05:30It's not snow
00:05:32Oh
00:05:33My God
00:05:36It's snowing
00:05:39Jake, you lunatic
00:05:41Where did you get a snow machine?
00:05:45Oh, hey, Ian
00:05:46Hi, Ollie
00:05:51It's a white Christmas, just like home
00:05:53And here's a little Christmas cheer
00:05:57Eggnog
00:05:57My mother makes this from scratch
00:05:59And one more thing
00:06:02More?
00:06:02Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
00:06:05Just read it
00:06:07Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas
00:06:09Christmas on the beach
00:06:12Amazing
00:06:12Well, I knew you'd be
00:06:15Pissed
00:06:18This is the most inconsiderate thing I've ever heard
00:06:20I have plans that are important to me, Jake
00:06:22Allie, it's not like I'm asking you to sleep in a port-a-potty
00:06:24This is a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean
00:06:27Forget it, Jake
00:06:28You know I'm driving home with Sierra to visit my family
00:06:30So tell him what I told my dad last year
00:06:32You're going to be stuck in the gym eight hours a day
00:06:33For the next two weeks
00:06:34In preparation for your appearance
00:06:36In the Ultimate Fighting Championship
00:06:38That's what you told him?
00:06:39Well, sure
00:06:40And then when he found out I really wanted to stay here and surf
00:06:42He was so relieved he didn't argue
00:06:44But I want to go home
00:06:46I want a traditional Christmas with snow and stockings and eggnog and carolers
00:06:51I just thought we could have some fun this Christmas
00:06:54No, you just thought that you could have some fun
00:06:56But what about everybody else?
00:06:58My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home
00:07:01And what about your dad?
00:07:02And your sister and Carolyn?
00:07:05You know, bringing up my dad's new wife just drains me of all my Christmas spirit
00:07:09Look, all I'm saying is
00:07:10Don't you think it's about time you went home?
00:07:14Hey there, looking good today
00:07:17Thanks, Eddie
00:07:18You're looking nice today, too
00:07:20I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson
00:07:23Hey, Allie
00:07:23What kind of perfume are you wearing today?
00:07:25Excuse me?
00:07:26I guess I got three words for you
00:07:28New, car, smell
00:07:30And it would smell so good on you
00:07:31Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
00:07:33Eddie
00:07:34I got one word for you
00:07:36Beamer
00:07:39Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:41You gotta be kidding me
00:07:44Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:46Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:47You are too close to the vehicle
00:07:49Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:52So it's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room, right?
00:07:55And it's me and the Murph Man
00:07:57And the Ed Man
00:07:58And the Ken Man, right?
00:07:59And we were waiting in line for like half the night, right?
00:08:02And the bouncer, he finally gives us the nod
00:08:04So we go over there and debut our brand new IDs
00:08:08And the dude goes
00:08:09Bye-bye
00:08:11And no one
00:08:12No one says
00:08:13Bye-bye
00:08:14To the Brant Man
00:08:15Fellas, fellas, fellas
00:08:17What can I say?
00:08:18My subcontractor's been slacking off
00:08:20But I want to make this up to you
00:08:22I have a foolproof method that'll guarantee you ace your history finally
00:08:26But if you'd rather see your grades crash and burn
00:08:29It's up to you
00:08:34No cost, right?
00:08:36Of course there's no cost for the answers
00:08:38I couldn't do that to you guys
00:08:39You guys are my buds
00:08:41However, there is a nominal fee for the Viper rental
00:08:51Wilkinson residence
00:08:53Oh, I'm sorry
00:08:54He can't come to the phone right now
00:08:55He's busy accessorizing
00:08:58Oh, okay
00:08:59Jake, it's your dad
00:09:03See ya
00:09:11Dad, hey
00:09:12How are things at the office?
00:09:14Fine
00:09:14We're all off for the holidays
00:09:16I sent everybody home at noon today
00:09:17Great
00:09:18Getting ready for ski season?
00:09:20Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed
00:09:22Look, Jake
00:09:23I'm calling to find out about you
00:09:24Are you, uh
00:09:25Still planning on coming home for Christmas?
00:09:28Gosh, you know
00:09:29I'd like to
00:09:29But I gotta stick around campus
00:09:31And finish up that extra credit lab work
00:09:33Because I got a call from my
00:09:34My travel agent
00:09:35He says that the ticket I sent you
00:09:37Was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas
00:09:39He says somebody sabotaged his computer file
00:09:43What kind of a world are we living in?
00:09:46Is the convenience of technology
00:09:47Worth the loss of our privacy?
00:09:49Who would do such a thing?
00:09:50Where will it end, Dad?
00:09:51Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California
00:09:54But you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died
00:09:58I think it's time that we become a family again
00:10:02Dad, Dad, Dad
00:10:03If you were 18 years old
00:10:05Where would you rather be for Christmas?
00:10:06At home with your family
00:10:08Or in Cabo on the beach with a beautiful girl
00:10:11Allie's parents say she's coming home just like always
00:10:15I just really want you home, son
00:10:18Me too
00:10:19Ask this Carolyn
00:10:19Yeah
00:10:21And Tracy
00:10:22We all want you home
00:10:24Well, I just don't think I can get there
00:10:28Not even if I, uh
00:10:31Give you the Porsche
00:10:34Excuse me?
00:10:36The Porsche?
00:10:38The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:40The same 1957 Porsche
00:10:42That we rebuilt by hand together
00:10:43With the Kid Glove interiors
00:10:44And the original paint
00:10:45The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:48I'll tell you what
00:10:48If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner
00:10:51Six o'clock, Christmas Eve
00:10:53The car's yours
00:10:54Six o'clock, not one minute past
00:10:56You understand?
00:10:57Yes, sir
00:10:58We'll see you then
00:10:59Great, bye
00:11:03You are mine
00:11:05All mine
00:11:09Okay
00:11:10He cashes in the tickets
00:11:12And you offer him a bribe
00:11:14Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
00:11:17Yeah
00:11:17Yeah, I do
00:11:18But
00:11:19But what?
00:11:21Jake's coming home for Christmas
00:11:29Okay, I gotta go back
00:11:30You guys
00:11:30I'll see you in an hour
00:11:32Okay
00:11:32Okay
00:11:32Bye
00:11:37Nice try, but no chance
00:11:38Hmm
00:11:39Must be defective
00:11:41You know, I estimated it'd be another five hours
00:11:44Till you tried to make up
00:11:45Huh
00:11:45That's funny
00:11:46Because I estimate that it takes five hours
00:11:49To fly to Larchmont, New York
00:11:51I thought you cashed your ticket in for Cabo
00:11:53I cashed it back in for two tickets to New York
00:11:56Will you please accept my apology
00:11:58And come home with me for Christmas?
00:12:04You're unbelievable
00:12:05Tell me about it
00:12:06Ripley's doing a special on me
00:12:08So
00:12:08Why the sudden change of heart?
00:12:11Well, I guess you kind of got to me
00:12:12With all that sentimental family stuff
00:12:14Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around
00:12:16Hey
00:12:16If you don't have family
00:12:18What do you have, right?
00:12:20So you want to come over
00:12:21And help me pack?
00:12:25No, I can't
00:12:26I gotta go tutor some jocks
00:12:28Oh, you're such a compassionate man
00:12:30I am a giver
00:12:32Pick you up tomorrow morning, eight o'clock
00:12:34Okay
00:12:41This better work
00:12:47Run
00:12:56Look out, look out
00:12:57Hey
00:12:58Hey
00:13:04What's taking him so long?
00:13:11Sorry, Ms. Peterson
00:13:12Coach likes to stay in touch
00:13:19I'm sorry, Ms. Peterson
00:13:27What's taking him so long?
00:13:41Shit
00:14:01and when you're driving a Porsche it's like you have a relationship with it like it knows you
00:14:05and it's listening and just responding that is so true and downshifting you don't know what
00:14:10downshifting you do you downshift it in a Porsche you are a lucky man Wilkinson that is so true
00:14:18so uh Jake are you feeling lucky I'm instantly well I think that's all about to change
00:14:27something wrong fellas you think you're some kind of wise guy right think it's real funny to make us
00:14:32look like morons right what are you talking about the beepers dipstick Ian where's Ian
00:14:3812 32 14 oh man look I'm sure there's some explanation for this let me make a couple
00:14:48phone calls I think we're done explaining
00:14:53boys come on guys fellas fellas
00:15:02all right see you guys later have a good break
00:15:08all right Jake where are you
00:15:19yeah yeah yeah yeah dreaming of a white Christmas with every Christmas card I cry
00:15:44oh god wish I were dead
00:15:47I said I wished I were dead
00:15:58what the
00:16:05let's see you sweet talk your way out of this one Eddie and the boys
00:16:09the last time I do business with those guys go on get out of here
00:16:19ow you glued it on didn't you you jerks
00:16:25the head too this is not acceptable
00:16:42sit roll over
00:16:45die
00:16:53hey it's Jake you found me
00:16:56idiot
00:16:57who's an idiot
00:16:59I am
00:17:00Jake flaked huh
00:17:02what a surprise
00:17:04well lucky for you the end man's here to the rescue so
00:17:07what do you say we blow this popsicle stand because I got butt warmers in the seats
00:17:11you're loving this aren't you pretty much yeah
00:17:17okay let's go all right oh no no no no allow me I got it I got it
00:17:23the ultimate in irony 17 academy kids are driving back east this winter and I get a ride with you
00:17:29just the two of us riding the crest of destiny's rainbow sharing caring pair for the ages
00:17:39okay hold on first the ground rules if you say too many stupid things like that I'll have to slug
00:17:45you if you say anything nasty about Jake I'll have to slug you if you try to feel me up
00:17:50I'll have to slug you if you make me listen to any sexist racist or homophobic jokes I'm gonna have
00:17:57to slug you and finally I might just have to slug you from time to time simply because I find
00:18:02the prospect of driving across the country with you incredibly stressful
00:18:06all right sounds like a party to me
00:18:11so uh what should we listen to Jewel Sarah Fiona I'm in a sensitive mood aren't you
00:18:17cut the crap Eddie I'm already in the car
00:18:19all right let's burn this baby
00:18:21New York
00:18:31they'll be singing
00:18:33gonna be singing
00:18:36Christmas carols
00:18:39by the old
00:18:40carol
00:18:42celebrating
00:18:45hungry
00:18:45and exchanging
00:18:49greetings by the old
00:18:51carol
00:18:52there'll be lots of little
00:18:55children and how big
00:18:57their eyes will be
00:18:58they love birds
00:18:59see what Santa left around the tree
00:19:03they'll be merry
00:19:05singing those merry
00:19:08Christmas carol
00:19:11by the old
00:19:12carol
00:19:15hey it's Ali
00:19:17you got the machine
00:19:18you know the
00:19:18Ali it's me
00:19:20listen I am so
00:19:33you got a mean disposition for a Santa
00:19:39I need to make another phone call
00:19:42long distance
00:19:43what from here
00:19:46is not long distance
00:19:58hello
00:19:59Tracy it's Jake
00:20:00oh hi
00:20:01where are you
00:20:03I'm in the middle of nowhere
00:20:04dressed like Santa Claus
00:20:06being attacked by a killer tumbleweed
00:20:07cool
00:20:08get me dad
00:20:09when did I become your slave
00:20:11the day you were born
00:20:14oh right
00:20:16oh dad
00:20:18it's the prodigal son
00:20:21hello
00:20:23hello father
00:20:23dad
00:20:25Jake you sound funny
00:20:26are you at the airport
00:20:28well
00:20:28I've had some setbacks
00:20:30but if you wire me some money
00:20:31I'll make it home for Christmas
00:20:33just what kind of a bind
00:20:34are you in Jake
00:20:35he's in the middle of nowhere
00:20:37dressed as Santa Claus
00:20:38being attacked by a killer bumblebee
00:20:39that's tumbleweed
00:20:41otherwise it's just like she said
00:20:43that is the worst alibi
00:20:45and a long line of bad alibis
00:20:47Jake
00:20:47but it's all true
00:20:48that's what you always say
00:20:50I know but I really need your help
00:20:52if I'm gonna make it home on time
00:20:53now look
00:20:54we had a deal
00:20:55it is up to you to get yourself home
00:20:57on Christmas Eve
00:20:58or you can forget about the Porsche
00:21:00dad
00:21:05excuse me
00:21:06I couldn't help overhearing
00:21:08you're trying to get home for Christmas
00:21:10and your father won't help you
00:21:12oh it's not that
00:21:14it's just
00:21:19he's so worried about the operation
00:21:21he's not thinking clearly
00:21:24operation?
00:21:26yeah
00:21:26the whole family chipped in
00:21:29and got him a triple bypass
00:21:30for Christmas
00:21:31I sent home every last dollar
00:21:33I earned working
00:21:34as a shopping mall Santa
00:21:36the operation's on Christmas Eve
00:21:39and now I won't be home
00:21:40until after the anesthesia wears off
00:21:44oh dear
00:21:47you know
00:21:48me and the girls
00:21:50are driving to Vegas
00:21:51to see Tom Jones
00:21:52we're Tom Tom girls
00:21:54you wanna ride with us?
00:21:57do you have
00:21:58what's new pussycat?
00:21:59do we have
00:22:00what's new pussycat?
00:22:03what's new pussycat?
00:22:04whoa whoa whoa whoa
00:22:07what's new pussycat?
00:22:09whoa whoa whoa whoa
00:22:14could we crack open a window?
00:22:16do you think it's funny
00:22:17how easily old people
00:22:19can catch pneumonia?
00:22:20do you think that's a joke?
00:22:22ha ha ha
00:22:22no
00:22:23it's just
00:22:24I had a hard night
00:22:25and I'm not feeling so well
00:22:27hey
00:22:28get out of there
00:22:29aw
00:22:31Darlene
00:22:32Mama's teeth
00:22:33have fallen out of her mouth again
00:22:35just wedge them back in dear
00:22:37okay Santa Claus
00:22:39make yourself useful
00:22:41and just put those
00:22:42right back in her mouth
00:22:43a Gertens anyone?
00:22:46oh
00:22:47oh for Pete's sake
00:22:50oh well that's lovely
00:22:52what happened?
00:22:54Santa just yammied
00:22:56in your handbag
00:22:57there he goes again
00:22:59well stop him
00:23:01okay
00:23:01here Santa
00:23:02Santa get up
00:23:07did I hurt you Santa?
00:23:10good
00:23:10all right Buster
00:23:12out you get
00:23:14out you get out
00:23:16get out of here
00:23:17get out of here
00:23:19you
00:23:19and take your beard with you
00:23:22never hurt us
00:23:24imagine yammy-ing
00:23:26in my sister's handbag
00:23:36there you go
00:23:37there's five
00:23:37thank you
00:23:39desert Santa
00:23:40buzzard tumbleweed
00:23:42desert Santa
00:23:44buzzard tumbleweed
00:23:45oh I love this game
00:23:46pick which word is not like the others
00:23:48uh Santa
00:23:49no idiot
00:23:50it's a message Jake left on my machine
00:23:53wow
00:23:54bizarre huh
00:23:56yeah
00:24:00thanks
00:24:10Ali?
00:24:15Eddie?
00:24:17Eddie
00:24:26oh my god
00:24:30Ali!
00:24:31what's wrong with you?
00:24:33uh we gotta go
00:24:34we're just
00:24:34way behind schedule
00:24:35Ali wait!
00:24:39Ali!
00:24:41stop!
00:24:43wait!
00:24:53I'll have a blue
00:24:57Christmas
00:24:59without you
00:25:03I'll be so blue
00:25:06just thinking
00:25:09about you
00:25:15decoration
00:25:17a red
00:25:19on a green
00:25:23Christmas tree
00:25:24it won't
00:25:28mean a thing
00:25:30if you're not here
00:25:32would mean
00:25:35this is the worst day of my life
00:25:40and it just got worse
00:25:42and it just got worse
00:25:45that's when those blue
00:25:49memories
00:25:50start calling
00:25:56you'll be doing
00:25:58you'll be doing
00:25:59alright
00:26:00with your Christmas
00:26:03for white
00:26:07but I'll have
00:26:08a blue
00:26:10blue blue
00:26:13Christmas
00:26:22oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:26:23but I'll have
00:26:24a blue
00:26:26blue blue
00:26:28Christmas
00:26:32oh-oh-oh
00:26:33tubby
00:26:34secret fat man
00:26:35handshake
00:26:36alright
00:26:38you know
00:26:39confidentially speaking
00:26:40just between us
00:26:41Santas
00:26:42don't you ever get tired
00:26:43of wearing this suit
00:26:44I mean every year
00:26:45it's the same suit
00:26:45red red red red red
00:26:47I mean does any guy
00:26:48really look good in red
00:26:49I don't think so
00:26:53got room on the sled
00:26:54for two
00:26:56thanks
00:26:57I really appreciate it
00:26:58you're a pal
00:27:00you're a pal
00:27:11fuck
00:27:11you
00:27:11you
00:27:13you
00:27:13you
00:27:16you
00:27:33Whoa, you're not so cute in the morning.
00:27:35I'm kind of glad nothing happened.
00:27:38Ow, you just slugged me.
00:27:40As per our agreement.
00:27:46Wake up, chief.
00:27:48Time to feed the reindeer.
00:27:53All right, I'm going, I'm going.
00:27:58Oh!
00:28:04Here comes Sandler, here comes Sandler, right down Sandler's land.
00:28:10Thanks for the sail.
00:28:13I'll leave the reindeer pulling on the rain.
00:28:17Wells are ringing till everything in all is merry bright.
00:28:23Hang your stock and then say good prayer.
00:28:26Hi there!
00:28:28Yeah, Merry Christmas, you too.
00:28:31Come inside the cold, right down Sandler's land.
00:28:35He's gonna beg a spell with toys for boys and girls again.
00:28:45Oh, where's the game?
00:28:52Bang!
00:29:23Oh, man, I went and killed Santa.
00:29:32Oh, no.
00:29:35Santa!
00:29:38Santa!
00:29:46Oh, thank God.
00:29:52Hang on, Santa.
00:29:53I'm coming.
00:29:55I'm coming.
00:29:57I'm coming.
00:29:57Hold on.
00:29:58Hold on.
00:30:03Am I alive?
00:30:05Sir, I have never been happy to answer that question in my life.
00:30:09Yes, you are alive.
00:30:12You been asked that question before?
00:30:14Oh, maybe 10, 12 times.
00:30:24Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, wake up now.
00:30:28Oh, yippee-yah-ee-oo.
00:30:30Oh, yippee-yah-ee-ay.
00:30:32Oh, yippee-yah-ee-oo.
00:30:33Uh-huh.
00:30:34Uh, now you go.
00:30:35Can I ask you something?
00:30:37Shoot.
00:30:38Uh, look, I'm a millennial type of guy, you know?
00:30:41I dig world music.
00:30:42I think Freon should be banned, you know?
00:30:44I'm all about yoga and macrobiotic food.
00:30:46I mean, I'm in touch with my inner child, for God's sake.
00:30:49Is the question coming before Ohio?
00:30:51Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is, what does Jake have that I haven't gotten?
00:30:58It's the stuff he comes up with.
00:31:01Funny things.
00:31:03Amazing things.
00:31:04Things that...
00:31:05Just give me the chills.
00:31:07Yeah, give me an example of one of these chills things, huh?
00:31:10Okay.
00:31:13Okay, there was this one time I was feeling really bad.
00:31:15It was...
00:31:16It was just a really down day, and...
00:31:19Jake took my hand in his, and being really sweet, he said,
00:31:23Not even the rain has such small hands.
00:31:27Not even the rain has such small hands?
00:31:31What a nerd!
00:31:32It's E.E. Cummings.
00:31:34Huh?
00:31:36Poetry, Eddie?
00:31:38And that gave you chills?
00:31:41You wouldn't understand.
00:31:45Allie?
00:31:47What?
00:31:49Not even the corn had such big ears.
00:31:53That's beautiful.
00:31:54I'm really moved, Eddie.
00:31:55Oh, look, because if it's poetry you want, I got it, baby.
00:31:59There once was a man from Nantucket.
00:32:01Just drive the car, Eddie.
00:32:04No, no, no.
00:32:08Man, oh, man.
00:32:10I was sure you were a goner.
00:32:12Nolan, it's been two hours.
00:32:14I can't have this conversation with you anymore.
00:32:16What conversation?
00:32:18The one where you go, you were sure I was a goner, and I go, yeah, that was really a
00:32:21close one.
00:32:22Oh.
00:32:23Okay.
00:32:28Hey, that's a pathfinder, catch up with them.
00:32:31Who's them?
00:32:31My girlfriend.
00:32:33No kidding?
00:32:33All the way out here?
00:32:36Wait a minute.
00:32:37Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car?
00:32:40With another guy?
00:32:41Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa and letting some other guy down the chimney?
00:32:46Why that two-time and ho?
00:32:48Uh, Nolan, reality check?
00:32:51You say no more, Santa.
00:32:52I'm after them.
00:33:02No, I said catch them, try not to kill us.
00:33:05All right, all right.
00:33:08I know him there's a cop behind us with his lights on, slow down.
00:33:12Aw, man.
00:33:13Cops make me nervous.
00:33:14I'm gonna make a run for it.
00:33:16What are you, nuts?
00:33:17Look, my daddy always said,
00:33:19it's better to go out in a blaze of glory
00:33:20than to rot in a state correctional facility.
00:33:25Let me guess, you're about to tell me the stuff in the back's stolen, right?
00:33:30I won't if you don't want me to.
00:33:33Stop the car, Nolan.
00:33:35Stop the?
00:33:36Stop the car.
00:33:43All right, come on, Jake, think, think, think, think, think.
00:33:46I know, put this on, act like my elf.
00:33:49Uh, all right, all right.
00:33:51How do elves act?
00:33:52I don't know.
00:33:54Happy.
00:33:55Happy.
00:34:06Merry Christmas, officer.
00:34:08Problem?
00:34:10You in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
00:34:12Well, that's my fault.
00:34:13Busy time of year for me.
00:34:15Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:16I'm an elf.
00:34:18So it seems.
00:34:19Do you realize you were going 79 in a 65-mile-per-hour zone?
00:34:23You should try catching me in my sleigh.
00:34:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:28You see, officer, my elf Snowpuff and I
00:34:31are heading to the children's hospital in the next town.
00:34:33You mean Redcliffe?
00:34:35Yeah, Redcliffe, exactly.
00:34:36To distribute toys to the youngsters.
00:34:39You know, I'm sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit,
00:34:41but every second counts to a bedridden child.
00:34:46All right.
00:34:47I tell you what.
00:34:48No more speeding, okay, Santa?
00:34:5165, stay alive.
00:34:53Merry Christmas.
00:34:54Thank you, officer.
00:34:57And that is how the big boys do it.
00:35:00You know what?
00:35:02My shift ends in a few minutes.
00:35:04Why don't you follow me?
00:35:05I'll get you there in no time.
00:35:09So that's how the big boys do it?
00:35:12Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:22So close, yet so far.
00:35:33Please stay in the car.
00:35:34Please stay in the car.
00:35:35Please stay in the car.
00:35:36Please stay in the car.
00:35:36Oh, man.
00:35:38I guess he couldn't hear you.
00:35:46Hey, thank you, officer.
00:35:47Say, do you all mind if I go in there with you?
00:35:49I kind of like to see the kids' faces, you know,
00:35:51when you give them their gifts.
00:35:54The more the merrier.
00:35:58And do you want a pony and a Barbie dream house and light bright deluxe and...
00:36:02Now, that's all great stuff, but Santa's gonna give you something even better.
00:36:06A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster with exclusive AccuToast sensor for consistent toasting time after time.
00:36:13Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of the usual two.
00:36:19Okay, thank you, Santa.
00:36:20You're welcome.
00:36:21But, Santa, this toaster was already promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
00:36:29Hand it over to the kids' snowpuff.
00:36:35All right, let's get this line moving.
00:36:37Who's next?
00:36:39All righty.
00:36:40And what do you want for Christmas?
00:36:43And finally...
00:36:44Ho, ho, ho!
00:36:47Merry Christmas.
00:36:48And what's your name, little boy?
00:36:50Esteban.
00:36:51Esteban.
00:36:52All right, let's see what we have here today for Esteban.
00:36:58Look at this.
00:37:00A Eureka Boss Cordless Rechargeable Vacuum Cleaner.
00:37:03No, thank you.
00:37:07Well, uh, I don't know what else I have here for you, buddy.
00:37:11What do you want for Christmas?
00:37:13To go home.
00:37:18I want to be with mi mamá, mi papá, mi hermana Maribel, mi hermano Mario, tío Carlos y mi tío
00:37:27Ramón, tía Cristina, tía María, grandmothers and grandfathers and my dog, Sorito, and have Christmas tree and lights and angels
00:37:40and Christmas cookies.
00:37:42With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding and Christmas carols and...
00:37:49Oh, sugar doll, I miss you so much. I don't want to offend stolen goods no more. I just want
00:37:54to beg you to come home for Christmas.
00:37:56Please, Marjorie, you know I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know how I'm gonna get through the holidays
00:38:00without you.
00:38:00I just need to talk to my dad or Tracy. Are either of them there?
00:38:06Oh, gee, your dad and Tracy went to the mall. It's just me holding down the fort.
00:38:11Uh-huh.
00:38:13We are all so excited you're coming home. We've got the tree all set up. It looks great.
00:38:19And I've just been shopping and cooking and cooking and shopping. Speaking of which, your sweater size. Are you a...
00:38:27you're a 38, right?
00:38:29Yeah, I guess.
00:38:31Where are you now? Are you on your way home?
00:38:34Yeah, look, I gotta run. So, uh, you take care now. Okay?
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Bye.
00:38:41Bye.
00:38:54I gotta tell you, Santa, sir, although I've only been your elf for a very short time, I feel like
00:38:59a new man. Changed.
00:39:01Do I look changed to you?
00:39:06Well, maybe you've changed on the inside where it counts.
00:39:09Yeah, that's it. I've changed on the inside and I'm going home for Christmas.
00:39:15Home? I thought you were going east.
00:39:17Nope, back the other way.
00:39:18But, Nolan, I saved your buck back down the road. Don't you think you owe me something?
00:39:23Uh, yes, I do.
00:39:28Didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.
00:39:30Oh!
00:39:32Merry Christmas!
00:39:36What?
00:39:36Can I have a word with you?
00:39:38What is it?
00:39:39Well, it's my wife, Marjorie. She left me last month.
00:39:42And, well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas, I know we could start again.
00:39:47Why are you telling me this?
00:39:48She won't listen to me. But I got a hunch she might listen to Santa.
00:39:51See, if you walked into the restaurant where she works and asked her to forgive me, I know she'd come
00:39:56home.
00:39:57She left you, right?
00:39:58Yeah.
00:39:59So, where's your dignity? Don't go crawling back to her. Let her come groveling back to you.
00:40:04Yeah, maybe you're right. Why drive all the way to Nebraska just to get slammed again?
00:40:09Wait, Nebraska? As an easter here?
00:40:12It's about a six-hour trip.
00:40:14What's the matter with you, man? You love her enough to marry her, but you won't take a little drive.
00:40:20So, Max, what'd you do that made your wife so mad that you'd take a job 300 miles away?
00:40:24Uh, I stayed out at Smitty's till three one morning.
00:40:28Doesn't seem so bad.
00:40:30With an old girlfriend.
00:40:33All right, here's the deal. If I get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, you buy me a bus ticket
00:40:37to New York.
00:40:38If you can get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.
00:40:44All right.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:49Looking good.
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51I got kind of a weird call from Jake while you were out.
00:40:54He didn't say where he was calling from, but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.
00:40:58I hope he's gonna make it okay.
00:41:00There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car.
00:41:05Oh, my God! There's a scratch! There's a scratch!
00:41:07Where? Where?
00:41:08Get a wife, Dad.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:19Uh...
00:41:20Well...
00:41:22She's ready for you, son.
00:41:25Wherever you are.
00:41:35There she is, right there.
00:41:37Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
00:41:41Yeah, no doubt. So what do you want me to tell her?
00:41:43That if she doesn't come home, I'll die.
00:41:48Good. Die!
00:41:49Now, don't you think you're being a little bit harsh now, Marjorie?
00:41:52Harsh? After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?
00:41:57Well, you know, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right? Like brother-sister.
00:42:00There was tongue.
00:42:02There was not!
00:42:04There was too, you big pig!
00:42:06Everybody saw it!
00:42:07Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her. It was the Eggermeister!
00:42:12We made a commitment, Max, to honor and obey for better or for worse.
00:42:17Okay, this is worse.
00:42:19Ugh! He really burns my biscuits.
00:42:21Let me handle this one, okay, Max?
00:42:25Don't you think you should give Max another chance?
00:42:27I mean, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.
00:42:29He kissed her. How do you misunderstand that?
00:42:32Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.
00:42:35You know, it's just like this other couple I know.
00:42:37We're all upset about a misunderstanding.
00:42:39Oh, yeah? What's wrong with them?
00:42:40Well, they had a trip planned to go back east, and he canceled last minute
00:42:43because he wanted to take her to Cabo San Lucas for Christmas instead.
00:42:46But she thought he was being selfish, which was a misunderstanding.
00:42:50No, it wasn't. He sounds like a jerk.
00:42:51No, he's not.
00:42:53I mean, if she had understood, she would have realized
00:42:55that the guy's got a stepmother that he doesn't like very much.
00:42:57Well, what's wrong with the stepmother?
00:42:59Well, the dad married her only ten months after his wife died.
00:43:02She must be a babe.
00:43:04Why is this guy mad at the stepmother? It's not her fault.
00:43:07Don't you think ten months is a little soon?
00:43:09No, she's a babe.
00:43:12Look, what does any of this have to do with me and Max?
00:43:16Misunderstandings can be overcome if both people just try.
00:43:20Look, right now Max is sitting out there with a broken heart, and all he's asking for is a second
00:43:25chance.
00:43:26Just give him another shot.
00:43:30Hey, Marge.
00:43:32Sounds about a topper on this coffee.
00:43:35You know what? I've got a job to do.
00:43:44How'd it go?
00:43:45Well, you know what a swirly is?
00:43:47You mean when somebody jams your head in a toilet bowl and flushes it?
00:43:50Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:52Now get in there. Say something romantic.
00:43:55Huh?
00:43:56Something apologetic?
00:43:59Something in English!
00:44:02Here's us!
00:44:03All right already!
00:44:14I got an idea.
00:44:28Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:41Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:53I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night.
00:45:01I hope that singing this song will make everything all right.
00:45:09You're not the only one.
00:45:11Oh, Marjorie, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby.
00:45:23I'll make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree.
00:45:31You're your walking away.
00:45:35See, you're my wife.
00:45:39I'd give
00:45:40my life
00:45:45If you just
00:45:48come
00:45:52home
00:45:57Now on your knees
00:45:59Now on your knees
00:46:01No, we don't sing it
00:46:08Marjorie, I'm so sorry, baby
00:46:11Won't you please
00:46:29Here's your ticket
00:46:30Your bus will be here in ten minutes
00:46:33Thanks, thank you
00:46:40Well, see ya
00:46:42Hey, Santa
00:46:43Yeah
00:46:44I, uh, I hope that other couple, you know, works through their misunderstandings
00:46:51Me too
00:46:55Well, they're a couple
00:46:57No, it doesn't matter
00:46:59It's just you and me, baby
00:47:08You know what I've always wondered?
00:47:11What?
00:47:12Out of all the planets in the universe
00:47:14How is it that this is the only one that spawned intelligent life?
00:47:20Yeah
00:47:22You know what I always wonder about?
00:47:24What's that?
00:47:25How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet?
00:47:29Like Denny's
00:47:29I mean, think about it
00:47:30They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan
00:47:33Man, that rocks
00:47:34Or like when a homeless guy, he comes up to you and he says he's the messiah
00:47:37And then he asks you for money and you're just like
00:47:39You know, you just want to walk away
00:47:40But then you think to yourself
00:47:41What happens if he is the messiah?
00:47:43And I'm just blowing the dude off
00:47:47Think about it
00:47:49I take back what I said about intelligent life on earth
00:47:56Hey, look at that
00:47:58Ugh
00:48:00Velveeta, come on now
00:48:02That's why we have to stay there
00:48:04Come on, where would you rather go?
00:48:06Another dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere?
00:48:11I don't think it's very Eddie
00:48:13Well, I think it's totally Eddie
00:48:15It's completely cheesy and trying to be cool
00:48:19When are you going to stop being mean to the Ed man, huh?
00:48:22When do you stop referring to yourself in the third person?
00:48:39Maybe I should just go with it
00:48:50Hey
00:48:51Hey
00:48:53Check this out
00:48:54Tell me what's better
00:48:56Ho, ho, ho
00:48:57Merry Christmas
00:48:59Ho, ho, ho
00:49:00Merry Christmas
00:49:02Ho, ho, ho
00:49:03Merry Christmas
00:49:06Well, the first one's good for really little kids
00:49:09Like my sister
00:49:10Who's three
00:49:11And the second one's good for big kids
00:49:14Like my friends and me
00:49:15And the third one's good if you want to scare people
00:49:18And watch them run away screaming
00:49:22Okay, cool, thanks
00:49:23Whatever
00:49:24Whatever
00:49:26Whatever
00:49:31Whatever
00:49:32Whatever
00:49:53Well, look at that.
00:49:55The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady.
00:49:58How typical.
00:50:00Don't witness it.
00:50:01You might have to testify.
00:50:04Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
00:50:07I'm a witty guy.
00:50:08I mean, you think this astonishing physique is all the Ed-Man has to offer, huh?
00:50:13Well, take this, Ed-Man.
00:50:17Oh, my God, you're dead.
00:50:18You're so dead.
00:50:19I'm gonna get it so bad.
00:50:20Oh, my God.
00:50:25This is Wendy Richards reporting live from Adelbrook, Iowa,
00:50:28site of the Strudelstraw sin and world-famous human clock.
00:50:31Now, the temperature outside stands at 31 degrees,
00:50:34but, of course, the temperature's always a little bit warmer
00:50:37underneath the mistletoe arch, and, uh, here's a couple now.
00:50:40I hope you kids know where you're standing.
00:50:48I'll kill him.
00:50:49Your attention, please.
00:50:50Bus 33 to New York is now boarding.
00:50:53All passengers with tickets, please proceed to Kerr.
00:50:59Hey, I think you just stopped being mean to me.
00:51:17Excuse me.
00:51:18Conway?
00:51:18Get behind the yellow line.
00:51:20Hey, just a second.
00:51:20I need to ask you a favor.
00:51:21Just get behind the yellow line.
00:51:23I realize you're on a schedule, but it being the holidays and all.
00:51:26I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a small detour to Adelbrook.
00:51:28I think everyone would really enjoy it.
00:51:30But I wouldn't.
00:51:32What if we...
00:51:33No.
00:51:33How about we...
00:51:34No.
00:51:34But...
00:51:35No.
00:51:36Got it.
00:51:41That is very good.
00:51:43Look at that.
00:51:45Here.
00:51:46Why don't you try using the yellow line?
00:52:02Sorry, we only had one room left tonight.
00:52:04It'd been Christmas and all.
00:52:06But, uh, I think you'll find it's very special.
00:52:12Feel coming to your honeymoon suite.
00:52:35Is this yours?
00:52:37Hmm?
00:52:38No.
00:52:39Not yours either.
00:52:41Whose is it?
00:52:44Human liver?
00:52:47Organ donation?
00:52:48Oh, my God.
00:52:49We've got a live liver here.
00:52:51It says deliver to Allie Henderson in Adelbrook, ASAP.
00:52:54You think it's real?
00:52:55Let's take a look.
00:52:57Oh, we move.
00:52:58We need to get to Adelbrook.
00:53:01Okay, everybody sit down.
00:53:04What the hell is wrong with you, man?
00:53:06Dude, get behind the yellow line.
00:53:07Don't give me your lip.
00:53:08I don't believe you, man.
00:53:10There's a little girl in Adelbrook that needs a liver transplant.
00:53:14We gotta schedule the key.
00:53:15Schedule schmedule.
00:53:16Shame on you.
00:53:17This isn't about schedules, man.
00:53:19It's the gift of life.
00:53:21The greatest Christmas gift ever.
00:53:23And we've even got Santa to bring it to her.
00:53:25This is a nonstop bus to New York.
00:53:27This is happening for a reason.
00:53:29We were put on this bus to take this organ to Adelbrook.
00:53:33Adelbrook!
00:53:34Adelbrook!
00:53:35Adelbrook!
00:53:36Adelbrook!
00:53:38You think I don't care about that little girl?
00:53:41Well, you're wrong.
00:53:42We're going to Adelbrook, all right, but because I say we are.
00:53:46Hey, hey, hey, now, everybody behind the yellow line and sit up!
00:53:57It's funny, Adelbrook.
00:53:59I never thought I'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you, and yet somehow with you
00:54:03here, I feel safe.
00:54:06You want me to put on any more clothes?
00:54:08Nah, that should be fine.
00:54:10Good night, Adelbrook.
00:54:11Good night.
00:54:15Adelbrook.
00:54:23I'm giving you ten minutes!
00:54:25You fired that girl, Santa!
00:54:27Go, Santa!
00:54:28Go, Santa!
00:54:29Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:31Everybody, shut up!
00:54:47Hi, can you tell me if there's an Ali Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
00:54:51I'm sorry, Santa, I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
00:54:54Listen, ma'am, I have a full plate of activities tonight, not to mention a pesky Grinch who has
00:54:58kidnapped Mrs. Claus in an attempt to make my life miserable.
00:55:00I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
00:55:04Policy?
00:55:05Policy does not apply to me.
00:55:06I override policy.
00:55:08I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:40Ta-to-to-to
00:55:56Maidenance!
00:56:02where is he jake what are you doing here and why are you dressed like santa claus i had to
00:56:09hijack
00:56:10a bus eddie and his buddies left me in the desert like this the other night desert santa buzzard
00:56:16tumbleweed so what gives with you kissing that slimy moron it's not what you think jake what
00:56:21are you doing here bud this love nest is full calm down jake nothing happened where's the trust man
00:56:27i saw you kissing her on tv you dirtbag he got me under the mistletoe for two seconds big deal
00:56:33it was more like five seconds and they were good
00:56:40foul fighting foul
00:56:45how could you let that idiot give you a ride i thought you left me high and dry what was
00:56:49i
00:56:49supposed to do beam myself home ali i was stuck in the desert i couldn't get to you i had
00:56:55no choice
00:56:58okay forgive you
00:57:07so you're still mad at me
00:57:10yo if anyone should be mad here it's me okay because i've had to listen to non-stop natalie
00:57:15merchant easy cummings it's ee cummings i have been stuck in a santa suit for two days fighting
00:57:20off buzzards dentures and thugs and later hosen i'm tired i'm hungry i stink and because of you
00:57:26i'm not going to be home by six o'clock tonight why do you have to be home by six
00:57:31o'clock
00:57:32what's that you heard the question why do you have to be home by six
00:57:39because that's when dinner will be ready
00:57:42ow if you have even one decent chromosome in your dna you will not lie to me right now jake
00:57:47all right
00:57:51it's just that if i get home by then my dad's gonna give me the porsche
00:57:59the porsche ali let me wait so you didn't trade cabo for me you traded it for a car
00:58:04it's not like that you two deserve each other
00:58:11all right ali wait will you just stop and listen to me look if i had to do it all
00:58:16over again i
00:58:17probably wouldn't mention the stupid car oh what i was kidding you don't care about anybody but
00:58:23yourself you're a manipulator and a liar i am not a liar hey wait a minute you're the girl who
00:58:29needs
00:58:29the transplant is that what santa told you uh-huh right i'm taking his place on the bus
00:58:38no wait ali give me another chance why because i care about you you gotta believe me
00:58:44santa if you showed up on my doorstep in a one horse open sleigh i wouldn't believe you
00:58:50ali i'm sorry you know i can't take fake remorse from a fake santa making fake apologies
00:58:56you might be a fake boyfriend jake but i'll tell you one thing you're a genuine butthole
00:59:05bye santa
00:59:34oh man i've seen guys get dumped before but that was nuclear i mean she wasn't even aiming at me
00:59:39and i'm gonna be walking funny for like a week how do girls do that i don't know it's like
00:59:43that
00:59:43whole chick verbal skills thing it's it's deadly oh man you know what i gotta tell you bro i would
00:59:50have never thought i'd ever help you out after that massacre man i just wouldn't be human i never
00:59:55thought i'd be driving home with you either it's pretty wild oh it sure is all right now i get
01:00:00home in time to get the porsche i'll drive it back to school in january figure out how to get
01:00:04ali
01:00:05back everything's gonna be great thanks edman sure
01:00:16get out what uh all that stuff you just said i'm i'm sorry man i just can't do that much
01:00:23good
01:00:24stuff for another person you know it'd be way bad for my rep what are you talking about i mean
01:00:29what
01:00:29about that stuff you just said about being human helping out another guy and me dude i just took
01:00:33you to wisconsin besides what am i doing helping you out so you can get a porsche and be cooler
01:00:38than me
01:00:40not very smart not very yet
01:00:48uh you're uh gonna have to take that off yeah i know that
01:01:04father christmas just tell me what you want from me
01:01:20better hurry
01:01:49it's called carbo loading best thing you can do before a race like this
01:01:55hi i'd like a number please okay that'll be a ten dollar entrance fee
01:02:00you know i nailed that in oh okay so we sent you a receipt
01:02:04yes yes you did but you see here's the dilly there was a house fire and everything got torched you
01:02:10know personal papers family photos that little clay handprint ashtray i made when i was three oh tragic
01:02:16tale i'll cover the kid hey thanks jake wilkinson jeff wilson here's your hat and beard you gotta have
01:02:26put them on when you cross the finish line or you'll be disqualified here we go again
01:02:34can anyone in this race actually run well sparky fanaloni won the state marathon 10 years ago
01:02:39that was before the two pack a day habit and subsequent lung removal
01:02:45okay this guy will give us a run for our money
01:02:49kenyan yes all senses to the starting line all senses to the starting line
01:02:56come back we'll see you at the finish line all right
01:03:00go santa's go
01:03:02go santa's go
01:03:07santa's to your mark
01:03:12on your mark
01:03:15get set
01:03:26go
01:03:26go
01:03:26go
01:03:26go
01:03:27go
01:03:28go
01:03:28go
01:03:28go
01:03:29go
01:03:29Love of a reindeer, you know you're the mastermind.
01:03:35Run, run Rudolph, right? Nothing too far behind.
01:03:41Run, run Rudolph, Shannon's got to make it down.
01:03:47Shannon, make it open down, he can take the freeway down.
01:03:53Run, run Rudolph, cause I really like a merry-go-round.
01:03:59Hey, Jingle Balls, move your candy canes.
01:04:11Go, Shannon, go!
01:04:18Come on, Shannon, keep going!
01:04:22Want a cookie?
01:04:24Hot lunch?
01:04:24Shannon, make it open down, he can take the freeway down.
01:04:28Oh, man.
01:04:30Oh, yeah.
01:04:31Run, run Rudolph, in the middle of the mountain.
01:04:34Oh, yeah!
01:04:38Oh, yeah!
01:04:40Oh, yeah!
01:04:41Oh, yeah!
01:04:43Oh, yeah!
01:04:45Oh, yeah!
01:04:45Oh, yeah!
01:04:46Get up!
01:04:47I'm gonna see her!
01:04:48Oh, my God!
01:04:49Yeah!
01:04:50Oh, yeah!
01:04:50Oh, yeah!
01:04:56Well, that's the end of that.
01:05:02Or not.
01:05:04Here you go, easy.
01:05:05You okay?
01:05:06Looks like it's just you and me now.
01:05:08Ready to make a run for it?
01:05:10I was born ready.
01:05:17Oh, yeah!
01:05:26I got you hands!
01:05:28You did it!
01:05:29You did it!
01:05:29It's not the half!
01:05:30Go!
01:05:34Go!
01:05:37Wait, go!
01:05:39Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:43Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:46Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:50Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:50Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:51Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:56Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:02Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:07Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:08Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:09Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:09Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:09Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:09Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:10Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:12Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:27Jake, Jake, thank God, dude, they're going to try to arrest me, they're going to try
01:06:30to arrest me.
01:06:31Come down and meet me at the station, please, man, I'm sick!
01:06:35Taxi!
01:06:38Santa says take me to the airport.
01:06:48One, one hundred, two, one hundred, three, one hundred.
01:06:56Hey there, all right.
01:06:58Hey, you're the kid who beat Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.
01:07:01Yep, that's me.
01:07:03Wait a minute, Mayor Wilson?
01:07:05Oh, you didn't know?
01:07:06Well, he wins every year, a lot of us folks wish he'd won this year, too.
01:07:09Yeah, he seemed like a good guy.
01:07:11Keeps the potholes filled, huh?
01:07:13Yeah, he keeps the potholes filled.
01:07:14He also donates his entire winnings every year to buy turkeys for people who can't afford
01:07:18them.
01:07:22He had to be the mayor.
01:07:28Can you turn around, please?
01:07:37I'll be right back.
01:08:01Hey.
01:08:04When did Santa start using the mailbox?
01:08:06Oh, didn't you hear about the new work exchange program?
01:08:10Postman should be coming down your chimney a little later.
01:08:13You got some place to go?
01:08:15Yeah, it's Christmas Eve.
01:08:17Who doesn't?
01:08:20I could set a place for you.
01:08:23No, thanks.
01:08:24I'll be fine.
01:08:27Jake.
01:08:29Merry Christmas.
01:08:31You too.
01:08:51Yes, operator, it's collect from Jake.
01:08:55Tracy, accept the...
01:08:58My, my, dear brother.
01:08:59You are sounding slightly stressed.
01:09:01Is it the bumblebees again?
01:09:02Look, Tracy, I'm not gonna make it home and I want you to tell Dad, okay?
01:09:06What do you mean you're not gonna make it home?
01:09:08Is this about Carolyn?
01:09:10No.
01:09:11It's about being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no money.
01:09:14The rate I'm going I'll show up sometime in January, so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and I'll see you
01:09:19around.
01:09:20Wait, what about the Porsche?
01:09:22What about it?
01:09:24Wow, you really must be in trouble.
01:09:27Would you fly home right now if you could?
01:09:30Uh, like, yeah.
01:09:31I've got at least four years of birthday money stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag.
01:09:35If I went to a ticket agent right now and bought you a plane ticket home, you'd make it in
01:09:39time for Christmas, right?
01:09:41You'd do that for me?
01:09:43No.
01:09:44I'd do it for Dad.
01:09:46Plus, think of the incredible pleasure I'll have holding this over your head for the rest of our lives.
01:09:51Okay, fine. Whatever you want.
01:09:52I'm near Madison, Wisconsin. I'll hitch a ride to the airport. I'll see you soon.
01:09:56Wait, uh, I don't have any ID. How am I gonna pick up the ticket?
01:10:00I know. I'll make up a secret password to go with your reservation that only you would know.
01:10:05Great. What's it gonna be?
01:10:06I am a smelly and revolting jerk who doesn't deserve to live and my sister is a mad cool goddess.
01:10:11Bingo. Wilkinson comma Jake.
01:10:14It's an unusual password.
01:10:16Unusual everything.
01:10:17So, what time's the flight leave?
01:10:18In 20 minutes. I'll need to see a picture ID.
01:10:21Well, I just gave you my password.
01:10:23That's right, sir, but I can't let you on the plane without proper identification.
01:10:26Then what was the point of my password?
01:10:28I don't make the rules, sir. It's just...
01:10:30Policy. I know. Thank you.
01:10:34Next.
01:10:36Oh, shit.
01:10:41Hi.
01:11:03Good Ringo!
01:11:05Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo. Good Ringo.
01:11:11Oh, Pateringo! Pateringo!
01:11:21Hey! Hey, Billy! Get him!
01:11:24Hurry!
01:11:25Move! Come here!
01:11:27Get him away! Come back!
01:11:31Oh, no, no, no!
01:11:32Oh, no, no!
01:11:33Oh, my God!
01:11:49Excuse me.
01:11:51Excuse me.
01:11:53Excuse me.
01:12:01Merry Christmas, Santa. Got a ticket?
01:12:04No.
01:12:04No.
01:12:08The station is parallel. Next stop, New Rochelle, followed by Larchmont. Larchmont.
01:12:23Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
01:12:27He still has 15 minutes.
01:12:34Hey!
01:12:35Hey, hey, hey!
01:12:38Hey, lady!
01:12:39Can you give me a ride? Please?
01:12:41Yeah.
01:12:44Hey, give Santa a ride?
01:12:47Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:12:58Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:13:02Yeah!
01:13:08I used to stay in the class.
01:13:21Wait! Wait, wait! No, no, no!
01:13:22Don't turn left! Don't turn left!
01:13:24No, no, no, no! What are you doing?
01:13:25Don't turn and go straight! Hey!
01:13:27Hey!
01:13:32Hey!
01:13:41Hey!
01:13:43Hey!
01:13:56package people do not unwrap yourselves i repeat do not unwrap yourselves you unwrap
01:14:04yourself you are out of my parade do i make myself clear
01:14:16hey hey all right what do you think you're doing hey buddy
01:14:26i could have swore i parked that sleigh right here
01:14:43all is right round yon virgin mother and child
01:14:55sorry
01:15:04come on jake you can make it
01:15:12oh
01:15:13whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
01:15:43whoa
01:16:16okay
01:16:17i gotta give it a shot i mean you know i'm not the real santa and
01:16:22contrary to all appearances this is not a real sleigh
01:16:28but ali for all the times i've been a genuine
01:16:30one jerk
01:16:33this is a real apology
01:16:36if you'll accept it
01:16:40i might
01:16:45and this
01:16:48is a real kiss
01:17:10come with me to my house i have to be there in two minutes
01:17:12is this still about the worst
01:17:13just come with me but i don't want
01:17:15don't trust me
01:17:18shepherds
01:17:20shepherds quake
01:17:21ow
01:17:22ow
01:17:24ow
01:17:25ow
01:17:36okay
01:17:38okay
01:17:39let's eat
01:17:54what time is it
01:17:57okay
01:17:57it's 5 59
01:17:58you made it
01:18:01yeah i guess i did
01:18:03tell me when it's after six okay
01:18:05okay
01:18:06what do you mean aren't you going in
01:18:09no not yet
01:18:11but i thought
01:18:12shh shh just watch
01:18:15watch what
01:18:18my family
01:18:31okay
01:18:41well
01:18:42guess it's about time i went home for christmas
01:18:46care to join me
01:18:46you bet
01:18:57hey everybody
01:18:59merry christmas
01:19:02you made it
01:19:06hey
01:19:07you made it
01:19:10glad you're here
01:19:11did you have a hard time getting here
01:19:14oh piece of cake
01:19:16what's uh
01:19:17what's with this santa suit
01:19:19long story dad
01:19:21hey
01:19:22oh you stink
01:19:25farting dog cargo hold longer story
01:19:28well son
01:19:30she's yours
01:19:32but dad i didn't make it home on time
01:19:34don't be silly you were just a few seconds late here
01:19:36no no deal's a deal
01:19:37besides she isn't ready yet
01:19:40what do you mean
01:19:41well we're not really finished fixing her up yet are we
01:19:44i mean i'm sure it's gonna take us a bunch more christmases together to get all the work done
01:19:49don't you think
01:19:51yeah
01:19:5230 or 40 at least
01:19:5636
01:19:58excuse me
01:19:59my sweater says i'm a 36
01:20:01or a medium either will work
01:20:05what's yours
01:20:07mine
01:20:09yeah you know for uh future information
01:20:14eight
01:20:16eight
01:20:18i'll remember that
01:20:21what the heck is that
01:20:23that would be my parade
01:20:24excuse me
01:20:26excuse me
01:20:36hey
01:20:37wait a minute
01:20:38that's our sled
01:20:41that's the guy
01:20:42come on
01:20:48hey buddy
01:20:49you stole our sleigh
01:20:52you're just so lucky you're wearing that suit
01:20:56you know a few days ago i might not have agreed with you
01:20:59nice wings
01:21:01thanks
01:21:02took a sewing class
01:21:04it shows
01:21:06peace
01:21:06come on santa give me a ride home
01:21:10let's all go for a ride
01:21:11come on
01:21:13oh i love it i've never been in a sleigh before
01:21:15you better be careful
01:21:21get ready to go for that
01:21:26you know
01:21:26november
01:21:26even now
01:21:26no
01:21:26hang on
01:21:26no
01:21:27isn't
01:21:27Merry Christmas!
01:21:57Merry Christmas!
01:21:59Happy Holidays!
01:22:06We've been waiting all here for this ride
01:22:12When the snow is glistening on the trees outside
01:22:16And all the stockings hung by the fireside
01:22:21Waiting for Santa to arrive
01:22:26And all the love will show
01:22:28Cause everybody knows
01:22:31It's Christmas time and all the kids will see
01:22:35The gifts under the tree
01:22:37It's the best time of year for the family
01:22:42It's a wonderful feeling
01:22:44And the love in the room on the floor to the ceiling
01:22:47It's that time of year
01:22:50Christmas time is here
01:22:52And with the blessings from above
01:22:55God sent you His love
01:22:57And everything's okay
01:22:59Merry Christmas!
01:23:00Happy Holidays!
01:23:02Oh yeah!
01:23:04Merry Christmas!
01:23:05Merry Christmas!
01:23:08Happy Holidays!
01:23:20Merry Christmas!
01:23:21Merry Christmas!
01:23:21Merry Christmas!
01:23:36Merry Christmas!
01:23:50Merry Christmas!
01:23:53Merry Christmas!
01:24:01Merry Christmas!
01:24:02Is from above
01:24:03God sent you his love
01:24:06And everything's okay
01:24:07Merry Christmas
01:24:09Happy Holidays
01:24:12Merry Christmas
01:24:13Merry Christmas
01:24:16And Happy Holidays
01:24:19Merry Christmas
01:24:23Oh yeah
01:24:24Merry Christmas
01:24:25And Happy Holidays
01:24:28No matter what's your holiday
01:24:31It's a time to celebrate
01:24:35Put your worries aside
01:24:39And open up your mind
01:24:41You'll see the world right by
01:24:43Your time is Christmas time
01:24:48Merry Christmas
01:24:50Merry Christmas
01:24:50Merry Christmas
01:24:51Merry Christmas
01:24:52Happy Holidays
01:24:55Merry Christmas
01:24:57Merry Christmas
01:24:59Let me hear you
01:25:00Merry Christmas
01:25:01And Happy Holidays
01:25:04It's a wonderful feeling
01:25:06Feel the love in the room
01:25:08From the floor to the ceiling
01:25:09It's that time of year
01:25:11Christmas time is here
01:25:14And the blessings move on
01:25:16God sent you his love
01:25:19And everything's okay
01:25:20Merry Christmas
01:25:22Happy Holidays
01:25:23Come on now
01:25:25Merry Christmas
01:25:26Let me hear you
01:25:27Merry Christmas
01:25:29And Happy Holidays
01:25:32Merry Christmas
01:25:35Merry Christmas
01:25:35Oh yeah
01:25:36Merry Christmas
01:25:38Yeah
01:25:38And Happy Holidays
01:25:41Merry Christmas
01:25:43Merry Christmas
01:25:45Merry Christmas
01:25:47Merry Christmas
01:25:47Happy Holidays
01:25:49On the day!
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