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00:03EFESCUS
00:45Oh, God, look at this.
00:53She has risen!
00:56Oh, no!
00:58I was never dead.
01:00TMZ got a bad tip.
01:01They issued a retraction this morning.
01:03But they said they carried your body off a boat in Singapore
01:05and you didn't make it.
01:06What?
01:07They said they carried your body off a boat in Singapore
01:11and you didn't make it.
01:13No, yeah.
01:14No, no, no.
01:14I didn't make it to the hospital.
01:17I came to it in the ambulance.
01:19I had them reroute me to my hotel.
01:21Hallelujah!
01:24We didn't want to believe it,
01:25that it made sense because of your,
01:26you know, your...
01:28your breakdown.
01:30My breakdown?
01:31Yeah.
01:32At late night,
01:33it was all over the news
01:35that you went...
01:36cuckoo.
01:42Debra Vance is alive!
01:58Motherfuckers!
01:59These headlines are horrible.
02:02How Debra Vance lost her way and lost late night in the process.
02:05Oh, diva down.
02:07Talk show host's bizarre behavior raises serious concerns.
02:11Ever since you went to Singapore, Bob Lipka has been smearing you in the press.
02:14But I defended you in all the comments with my burner at Joyce Goldblood Chang.
02:19Oh my god, Debra Vance is on-air break, why they cut the feed before her meltdown.
02:23What?
02:23That's a bad one.
02:24Oh, once an arsonist, always an arsonist.
02:26Debra Vance burns down late night?
02:28God, I knew that social media detox was going to bite me in the ass.
02:32First, I was tagging some very unflattering photos.
02:34Now this?
02:35There are hundreds of these.
02:37World articles calling me a free speech warrior.
02:39Well, there were some positive ones, but they've been buried.
02:41Well, of course!
02:42Because that bastard owns almost every news outlet.
02:45Oh my god.
02:46I think we've all read the stories.
02:47Speaking of.
02:48Yeah, it's tragic.
02:49Of course, I wish Debra had spoken to us first, but hey, it is a tough gig.
02:53Oh!
02:54Not everyone's built for it.
02:56We all just hope she gets well.
02:58Gets well?
02:58Gets well?
02:59Gets well!
03:01No wonder the obituary was so bad.
03:03They needed someone to blame, so they blamed me, the crazy lady.
03:06It's a fucking house fire all over again.
03:08Um, we need to sue, okay?
03:10And we need to get these websites to issue a retraction.
03:13I don't think that's good.
03:13No.
03:14Damage is already done.
03:16Fuck.
03:16We need to shift the narrative with something bigger than all of this.
03:20Like what?
03:22I'll figure something out.
03:30Sorry, that's bad.
03:31Good.
03:32We need to do a couple's costume for Halloween.
03:37Well, what are you thinking?
03:38Or Lisa or...
03:39Knock, knock.
03:40Hey.
03:41May I?
03:42Sure.
03:45Regret to inform you that Jeff Dunham is signing elsewhere.
03:49Fuck!
03:50But the meeting went so well, I even got along with a stupid-ass puppet.
03:53All of our meetings go well.
03:54And then they find out we can't do business with Bob Lipka's companies and they ghost us.
03:57Well, it doesn't help that our client list is older female and losing bone density by the minute, Jimmy.
04:02You don't have to tell me twice.
04:03We lost two clients to Bad Falls this month alone.
04:05It's sad.
04:06And I don't want to visit the hospital again.
04:08Parking is a nightmare.
04:09I didn't want to tell you this, but we lost Lassie.
04:13The dog signed somewhere else?
04:14No, I mean we literally lost her.
04:16She ran away.
04:17And she's not fixed, Jimmy.
04:18She's probably taking loads of every pity from here to Santa Clarita, stupid whore.
04:21All right, look.
04:22I know this isn't popular.
04:23No one's going to want to hear this.
04:24But I think we should revisit the conversation about downsizing this office.
04:27We're not downsizing.
04:29Don't make me say that again.
04:31Kayla, the office, the rent, the phones, the insurance.
04:34It costs $30,000 a month to be here.
04:36It's worth it.
04:37We're projecting success to the industry.
04:39I mean, there's already nasty gossip going around about us ever since you beat the shit out of Bob Lipko.
04:42I didn't beat the shit out of him.
04:44I just knocked his phone out of his hand.
04:45We had a little scuffle.
04:46The assistant slack is still a buzz, boss.
04:48Not good.
04:49If we move now, it's a death bill.
04:52Okay.
04:53Fine.
04:54It's Damien.
04:55Says Deborah wants to have lunch in Vegas this afternoon.
04:57Oh my God.
04:57The last minute flights are going to be so expensive.
04:59This is what I'm talking about.
05:00Do you know what's free?
05:01The BMW.
05:02Which I just had vacuumed.
05:03It's spotless.
05:04You could eat an omicassee off the dash.
05:06Sure, but if we're going to drive and be there at lunch, we've got to go now.
05:08Road trip.
05:09All right, don't worry.
05:10I just got my license.
05:11Just?
05:12Shotgun.
05:13Okay, I guess I'll sit in the back of my own car.
05:15I'm going to go with me.
05:21Wake up!
05:22Woo!
05:24I figured it out.
05:26What time is it?
05:27Actually, what day is it?
05:28Every obituary leads with a person's greatest achievement or failure.
05:32That's why I need a win.
05:33A legacy-defining win that they cannot spin.
05:35Okay.
05:36I refuse to be remembered on other people's terms as a quitter or the person who killed
05:40late night or some hysterical woman.
05:42I have worked too hard and I have fought far too long.
05:45I will be remembered for my accomplishments.
05:48Yes.
05:49So I have decided to EGOT.
05:53Uh, EGOT?
05:55Emmy, Grammy, Oscar Tony.
05:56Oh, I know.
05:57Well, actually, I didn't.
05:58I thought the G was for a Golden Globe.
05:59But I, I love that.
06:02I love that.
06:02Oh, good.
06:03I kind of assumed you'd think it was crazy.
06:05No.
06:06I think it'd be crazy if you did not do that.
06:08Right?
06:09Great.
06:10Come on, get up.
06:10We're having lunch with the team.
06:11Now!
06:12Lunch?
06:13I'm still on Singapore Standard Time.
06:17Midnight snack would be good.
06:31Let's try it!
06:31It's mail alive!
06:33It's hard, but it's worth it.
06:36I mean, I know EGOT is ambitious, but I'm already halfway there.
06:39I have a daytime Emmy for hosting Begongle.
06:42Yes!
06:42Oh my god.
06:43Begongle.
06:43Yeah.
06:44Wait, what?
06:44Oh, Begongle was a game show on the USA Network in 1992
06:48where celebrities played Begongle on a constantly shaking floor.
06:51So funny.
06:52And I already have my Tony for producing.
06:53In a post-coital haze, Eric Idle convinced me to put some money into Spamalot.
06:57Anyway, I already have my T and my E,
07:00so now I need you to get me my O.
07:03O.
07:05Well, O was for Oscar.
07:06No, I know what O stands for.
07:07I just meant O, like a reaction.
07:09Oh, that's crazy!
07:10Wow!
07:11Anyway, Debra, I'm going to have to review your contract
07:13because I have to see what you can even do legally.
07:16Busman, permission to speak?
07:18Sure.
07:19Now, the network paid out Debra's contract
07:20and they did it all through her exclusivity clause,
07:22not the non-compete.
07:24Technically, she can't do anything scripted or paid.
07:26TV, film, no new media.
07:27They control her socials.
07:28No live public performances.
07:30And the contract specifies Florida law governs.
07:33And because Debra already signed her injunctive relief clause,
07:35if she violates the contract,
07:36they can come out of her with a restraining order or worse!
07:39You memorized all that?
07:41Inadvertently.
07:41Someone recently told me they thought I was autistic.
07:43That was me this morning.
07:45Oh, yeah!
07:46Anyway, she can technically still film something now
07:48as long as it's not released until the non-compete is over.
07:51I like this young man.
07:53The thing about an Oscar is...
07:53Jimmy, it's not that difficult.
07:56I mean, award voters love it when funny people go dead serious.
07:59Just find me my Monique moment.
08:01Well, I can set you up as a girl's guy.
08:02Oh, now, onto the grounds.
08:03Tragically, I have been nominated for my stand-up record
08:05seven times I have never won.
08:07Seven?
08:08I know so.
08:08Mm-hmm.
08:09A lot of ants in hell.
08:11Hunter the Knife over the drama.
08:12Live at the Mall of America.
08:14Your Lester Diaries.
08:15Live for your diet.
08:17The Death Commandments.
08:18And the best things in life are at Sears.
08:20Different events live sponsored by Sears.
08:22So, yeah.
08:22Seven.
08:23Robbed.
08:23Now, I know I can't do stand-up right now,
08:25so I'm taking a different route.
08:26I'm going to compete in the best audiobook category
08:29by recording my memoir.
08:30You wrote a memoir?
08:31That's great.
08:32Well, no, not yet.
08:32But I happen to know the best writer in the world.
08:36Oh.
08:37Tony Kushner.
08:39Hey, what about me?
08:40You can't write my memoir.
08:41You're too obsessed with me.
08:42It's cool.
08:43I give up on developing my prose skills
08:45when I realize Gen Alpha can't read.
08:47All right, everybody, let's go.
08:48G-O stands for Grammy, Oscar.
08:51Yeah.
08:52I'm not scared.
08:53Woo!
08:53A Grammy and an Oscar favor.
08:56No, I know, okay?
08:57But you don't understand how bad it got in Singapore.
08:59She was sleeping all day.
09:01She was drinking till noon.
09:01Jimmy, she wore Crocs in public.
09:04Did the Crocs have a heel?
09:05No.
09:06But she keeps her heels on during surgery.
09:08Yeah, so that's why whatever she wants to do,
09:10we need to get on board, okay?
09:12Okay, yeah.
09:13And you know what?
09:14I guess she has done crazier things, right?
09:15Yes, of course.
09:17She can do anything.
09:18We can do anything.
09:19Speaking of which,
09:20I need you to write and sell a huge international hit
09:23that has potential for sequels.
09:24Can you do that?
09:25I...
09:25Look, I would never normally pressure a client
09:27to help our firm financially,
09:29but we really need a...
09:31We've had a tough few months.
09:33Jimmy, she gave up the show for me.
09:35You know, I have to stay and help her.
09:36I'm sorry.
09:37No, no, no, I get that.
09:39Actually, I did finish my Mall Girl script in Singapore.
09:41I can send you that.
09:42Amazing.
09:43Okay, great.
09:44You send me that,
09:44and I guess I'll go get Deborah an Academy Award.
09:49Perfect.
09:50Great to see you.
09:56Mr. Kushner,
09:58I just want to say,
09:59it's such an honor to observe the writing process
10:02of one of my heroes.
10:03I mean, Angels in America was just,
10:05yeah, so formative for me.
10:06Oh, that's sweet.
10:07She's just shadowing,
10:08so feel free to ignore her.
10:09I often do.
10:10Oh.
10:11So, Tony, where do we start?
10:13I'm thinking a chapter a day,
10:1415 chapters.
10:15We should be able to wrap this up
10:16in two weeks.
10:17Easy.
10:18We're going to need far longer than that.
10:20I really believe in an immersive process.
10:23Oh.
10:24Okay.
10:25Well, I don't tend to love
10:27those whiny childhood parts
10:30of most celebrity memoirs,
10:31but then again,
10:32I was a very strong child.
10:34I held up my own head
10:35at three months old.
10:36My little blonde head.
10:37Oh, wow.
10:38I know.
10:39Oh, that would make
10:39a great opening sentence.
10:41Quote,
10:42I was born blonde.
10:43I actually want to start
10:45way before that.
10:46Since your people
10:48descend from Scotland,
10:49I've been reading
10:50The Lion in the North,
10:521,000 years of Scotland's history.
10:54Did you know
10:55that your eighth great-grandfather
10:57was a prominent figure
10:58in the Battle of Glenfruin?
11:01I didn't.
11:02It's really fascinating stuff.
11:04It starts with the McGregor clan.
11:05They were in a feud
11:06with the Coughlin clan
11:07over cattle thefts
11:09and land thefts.
11:09It's like the beginning
11:10of the 17th century
11:11when James VI,
11:12there was a big homo,
11:14moved to England
11:15to become James I.
11:16And it was the start
11:17of the Jacobean era
11:18and the translation
11:19of the D.J. 5.
11:25Okay.
11:26What if Deborah produces
11:27a documentary short?
11:28That's got to be
11:28an easy category, right?
11:29There's no way
11:30Deborah's getting into
11:31that category this year.
11:32Do you see
11:33how many ongoing lores
11:34we have going on right now?
11:35There's at least
11:36a nominee coming out of each.
11:38Unless Deborah wants
11:39to drag a film crew
11:40through the Congo,
11:41it's not happening.
11:42God, this is impossible.
11:43It is.
11:44Is it, though?
11:45Because correct me
11:46if I'm wrong,
11:46there already is a movie
11:47with early Oscar bus
11:48that Deborah
11:48has a connection to.
11:49Which one?
11:50The Fatty Arbuckle movie, Jimmy.
11:52The one you're producing.
11:53Hello?
11:54Ah, yeah, no.
11:55That's the only project
11:56we have without Deborah
11:56or a rabid dog attached.
11:58Absolutely not, no.
11:59And dare I say
12:00I'm proud of my work on it.
12:01Thank you very much.
12:02It's an awards season dream.
12:04It's a biopic.
12:05It's got famous actors
12:06playing a game's type.
12:07It's a period piece.
12:08It's got everything.
12:09She just seems a small part.
12:10Do you know that
12:10Beatrice Strait
12:11won the Oscar for Network
12:12despite having only
12:13five minutes of screen time?
12:14Five minutes!
12:16I didn't know that.
12:16I had no idea.
12:17But it doesn't matter.
12:18We're already finished shooting.
12:19Don't we have to do reshoots?
12:20No, we are doing
12:21additional photography.
12:22Reshoot!
12:22We are doing
12:23additional photography
12:23that's different than a reshoot.
12:24Christopher Plummer
12:25was nominated
12:26for a performance
12:27not entirely within
12:28additional photography.
12:31Wow, how do you know
12:32all this stuff?
12:33Once I started learning
12:33about Hollywood
12:34I couldn't stop.
12:35Such a fascinating mix
12:36of culture and business
12:37and art and history.
12:39It's America.
12:40I mean,
12:41maybe if she was Australian
12:42I could see it.
12:42Mm.
12:43But, no, look.
12:45The Arbuckle movie
12:46is the only thing
12:47that's going well for her.
12:48I can't mess it up.
12:49Alright, whatever you say.
12:50Maybe she could learn
12:51sound mixing
12:52and rise to the top
12:53of her field
12:54in the next few weeks.
12:55The worst idea
12:56I've ever heard.
12:57Hey, there are no
12:57bad ideas, but...
12:58No, it's okay.
12:59I probably shouldn't
13:00have said anything.
13:02Fuck!
13:03You've got to be
13:03more sensitive to her, okay?
13:05Kayla, Kayla,
13:06honey, it's okay.
13:07You know what?
13:07There are no bad ideas
13:08in a brainstorm
13:08and it's really hard
13:09to get an Oscar.
13:09We've got a break
13:10or up our home
13:12But God
13:13has a child
13:14that's out of the song
13:17Okay, so today
13:18let's start with high school.
13:20I was gorgeous,
13:21smart, and popular.
13:22College, same.
13:23Now that's when
13:23Frank came in.
13:24Before we get into that,
13:25let me just play you something.
13:28I stood there
13:29shivering in my pajamas
13:30and...
13:31I think this is the soundtrack
13:32for the first chapter
13:34of the book.
13:36Books don't have soundtracks.
13:38No, the soundtrack
13:38I'll listen to
13:39while I write
13:40that section of your life.
13:41Oh my God,
13:42that is such
13:43a cool way to do it.
13:45God, when I write
13:45I just change out
13:46of my sleep pajamas
13:47to my daytime pajamas.
13:50Maybe close your eyes
13:51to really feel it?
13:54I don't know.
13:55I have a Pulitzer.
13:57I have a Pulitzer.
14:01Oh, wow.
14:03This does feel good.
14:04Right?
14:05She gets it.
14:11Oh, I love this song.
14:14Hi, Tony.
14:16Is that all there is?
14:19Is that all there is?
14:23If that's all there is,
14:26my friends,
14:27then let's keep dancing.
14:32Oh, Freddy.
14:33I can't be alone.
14:35I wish I could hold you
14:36just one more time.
14:38Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
14:40Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
14:42I can't believe I'm saying this,
14:44but Debra actually
14:44would be better for this part.
14:45Uh, yeah, anybody would.
14:47Let's go out.
14:48Freddy!
14:49I'm sorry, guys.
14:50I'm really having trouble
14:51accessing the emotions today.
14:53No, no, no, darling.
14:54You're doing fantastic.
14:55We love it.
14:57I hate it.
14:58She's so bad.
14:59Yeah, she's been horrible all day.
15:01Do you think that maybe
15:01she'd be better
15:02if we put peanut butter
15:03on the roof of her mouth?
15:05What?
15:05We recently did the last reboot.
15:07She's kidding, I think.
15:07I'm not kidding.
15:08I hope.
15:09Look, I hate to say this,
15:10but I do think
15:11we should recast her.
15:12You do?
15:13That's a good idea.
15:14I mean, this movie's
15:14about a comedian, right?
15:15It's leaning a little maudlin.
15:17I think you should put
15:18a comedian in the role, right?
15:20What about Debra Vance?
15:23It's an interesting idea.
15:24Does she act at all?
15:25Are you kidding?
15:26She was the lead
15:26of Who's Making Dinner?
15:27Groundbreaking sitcom
15:28in the 70s.
15:29She's great at that.
15:30You know what is crazy?
15:30Her story is exactly like Fatty's.
15:32I mean, she was cast aside
15:33by the public.
15:34She was maligned,
15:35but then she rose from the ashes.
15:36It's actually really good
15:37for the narrative,
15:37and I think she'd be amazing
15:38in the park.
15:39That was very inspiring, Kayla.
15:40I just totally came up with it.
15:42Didn't she go crazy
15:42or something recently?
15:43No, no, no.
15:44That was a coordinated
15:44smear campaign.
15:45That is absolutely false.
15:46I can tell you,
15:47all those things are rare.
15:48Something not true.
15:49She's sassier than ever.
15:50Okay, great.
15:50I love it.
15:51Let's do it.
15:56I'm going to direct with people.
15:56You're a director.
15:58I know.
15:59Okay.
16:00Great.
16:01Cool.
16:02Moving on, everyone.
16:03All right, moving on.
16:06God, I can't believe
16:07you're recording a book already.
16:08Oh, no, no.
16:09The book's not happening.
16:10I fired Kushner.
16:11You fired Tony Kushner?
16:13Hmm?
16:14Oh, Deborah!
16:15God!
16:16I was going to slowly develop
16:17a relationship with him
16:18over the course of years
16:19and then eventually ask him
16:20to read my script,
16:21and he was going to love it.
16:22You know how it is with men.
16:23If they're not moving at your pace,
16:24it just gets boring
16:25and painful after a while.
16:26Okay, so why are we
16:27in a recording studio, then?
16:29I had McKinsey run the numbers
16:31to see if I could still get
16:33a Grammy this year.
16:34Deborah, we talked about
16:36you not using McKinsey.
16:37You said I could do it
16:38if it was for a good cause.
16:39No, I didn't.
16:40Well, it is, and I did.
16:42Apparently, it is an incredibly weak year
16:44for one Grammy category.
16:46Regional Mexican music album,
16:48including Tejano.
16:50And...
16:51And if I'm featured
16:52with the frontrunner
16:52and they win,
16:53which they will
16:54because it's a weak year,
16:54I get my G.
16:56Yay!
16:58Hey, Deborah.
16:59We're ready for you.
17:00Thanks.
17:02Okay.
17:02Wish me luck.
17:06Did you know about this?
17:07Yes.
17:11Hi, how are you doing?
17:13All right.
17:14Yeah.
17:15Hit it!
17:36Oh, God.
17:37I hate firing people.
17:39Let's do good cop, bad cop.
17:40I'll be bad cop.
17:41They're sexier.
17:42Okay.
17:43Just...
17:44Okay.
17:44We should see a concert soon.
17:46I'm kind of in the mood
17:46for a concert.
17:48All right.
17:49Come in on.
17:52Hi there.
17:52It's Jimmy and Kayla.
17:53Yeah.
17:54Hi.
17:54Hi.
17:56We need to talk to you, honey.
17:57Okay.
17:58Sure.
17:58Come on in.
18:00Oh, thank you so much
18:01for welcoming us
18:03into your space.
18:03Of course.
18:05Um, we should start
18:07by saying that you,
18:08madam, have been just
18:10so punctual.
18:12Of course I'm punctual.
18:13That being said,
18:14you're bad.
18:15You're acting's ass.
18:17And you're being outperformed
18:18by a dead corpse, mama.
18:19Okay.
18:19Sorry about her.
18:20Give us a second.
18:21That was insane.
18:22But honestly, it's on me.
18:23I should have never let you be bad cop.
18:24You be good cop.
18:25Okay.
18:26Kind of an oxymoron, though.
18:28Fucking pigs.
18:28Just be as nice as you possibly can, okay?
18:30Okay.
18:31I'll be the nicest girl
18:32in the whole world.
18:33Sorry about that, hon.
18:34I'm super bipolar.
18:36Oh, my God.
18:36I did not know that.
18:38Oh, um, yeah.
18:39I, uh, I'm really sorry about that.
18:41But unfortunately,
18:42I do have some bad news.
18:44Okay.
18:45Those are your real lips.
18:47If so, your boyfriend's
18:48one lucky son of a bitch.
18:50I have a wife.
18:52Oh, gay ass.
18:53Listen, there's no easy way
18:55to say this.
18:56You are being recast.
18:57What?
18:58Oh, my God.
18:59You are terminated and effective immediately.
19:01Please pack up your things
19:01and return your costume
19:02and the wig cap.
19:03Fuck you, Jimmy.
19:04Seriously?
19:05What?
19:06I mean, this is so unfair, right?
19:08Insane.
19:08Wrong.
19:09Let's get the union involved.
19:11You jackass.
19:12No, we're not getting the union involved.
19:13We're just recasting.
19:14It happens every day.
19:14No, I mean, seriously,
19:15you've been mistreated in the workplace.
19:16No, she hasn't.
19:17This is just a recasting.
19:18It happens every day in Hollywood.
19:19I've never seen something like this.
19:21It happens a lot, okay?
19:22Unfortunately, this decision is final.
19:24You're fired.
19:24But you're also signed by us as a client.
19:28Really?
19:29Mm-hmm.
19:29Kayla.
19:30I am seeking representation.
19:32Well, you found it.
19:32It was Schaefer and Lusak.
19:33Welcome to the family.
19:35Oh, my God.
19:35Yeah, we should definitely get a dinner on the books.
19:38Yay!
19:39Fuck it!
19:40Fuck it!
19:41Fuck it!
19:42To us will come back to our hands,
19:46tell the truth to the story.
19:47I'm a screenwriter.
19:49I consider myself a playwright who's learned to write screenplays.
19:52Or perhaps I should say,
19:53I'm a playwright who's learned to write screenplays for Steven Spielberg.
19:56Hello.
19:57Hey, what's up?
19:58I've been thinking the real way to cement my legacy is for me to primary AOC.
20:05What do you think?
20:07Oh, um, yeah.
20:10Yeah, totally.
20:11That sounds good.
20:12I guess we'd have to get you a New York address first.
20:15In the Bronx.
20:15That could be cool.
20:16We could hang out there.
20:16I heart New York.
20:17I would love to hang out in New York City a lot more.
20:19I would love that.
20:20Okay, that's it.
20:21What is wrong with you?
20:23Nothing.
20:23What are you talking about?
20:24You're not challenging me in your normal,
20:26why haven't you ever considered Ava way?
20:29I'm just trying to be supportive.
20:30Well, I don't need a yes man.
20:31I need a no woman to ignore.
20:35Okay, well...
20:38Fine.
20:38Uh, yeah.
20:39Things got really dark in Singapore,
20:41and it was really scary seeing you that way.
20:43And now you're back, and you're motivated,
20:45and it's just nice to see you getting out of bed every day excited.
20:49Well, okay.
20:53But you know, I do, sometimes.
20:56Need you to be honest with me.
21:00Okay, well...
21:01I don't think performing Tejano music
21:03is how you want to rewrite your legacy.
21:05Por que no?
21:08I just...
21:09I don't know that, like,
21:10trying to find some loophole to game the system
21:12in an obscure awards category
21:14is what you want to be remembered for, is it?
21:16Maybe.
21:18I mean, this non-compete could be a blessing in disguise.
21:20I could discover something new I'm brilliant at.
21:22My true calling.
21:23I mean, look at Woody Allen.
21:24He's a gifted clarinetist.
21:26Doll, Woody Allen is not going to be remembered
21:28for playing the clarinet,
21:29or the movies,
21:30or the bucket hat.
21:31It's going to be the other thing.
21:32Okay?
21:33And you are going to be remembered for comedy,
21:35because you're a comedian.
21:37You said it yourself in your final monologue, remember?
21:39Oh, God, I don't remember what I said.
21:42I certainly haven't watched it.
21:43Yeah, well, maybe you should.
21:47Okay.
21:48What is the biggest achievement for a comedian?
21:51Leading a rape trial.
21:53Seriously?
21:54Hosting a late-night show.
21:56Come on, anything else?
21:59Selling out Madison Square Garden.
22:01Okay!
22:02Great!
22:04But I can't do that.
22:07I can't perform.
22:08I know, and I don't know how to get around that.
22:11I don't know what to do.
22:12So you have a bump, but no pitch.
22:17Yeah, I'm sorry.
22:19Yeah, me too.
22:27I'm going to bed.
22:32I'm going to bed.
23:06No results.
23:08Unbelievable.
23:09Yeah, they've taken down every late-night clip.
23:11This is criminal.
23:12Hang on.
23:14Oh, shit.
23:15What?
23:17They took down my bad, too.
23:20What?
23:24Why would my special be gone?
23:26Because it's on their streamer.
23:28Bob Luka controls that, too.
23:30They fucking scrubbed everything.
23:33Everything.
23:35Everything that we have worked on for the past five years is gone.
23:39They're not just rewriting me.
23:41They are erasing me.
23:43I'm so sorry.
23:45You know, the last time the press smeared me,
23:48I just let them.
23:49I leaned into it.
23:50But not this time.
23:51This time, I am writing my story.
23:53Because you're right.
23:53I am a comedian.
23:55And I'm doing comedy.
23:56And I'm doing it tomorrow night.
23:58Totally.
23:59Super support you.
24:00But how are you going to call Jimmy, manager?
24:02Being let go is a normal part of the business.
24:05I'm sure she'll be okay.
24:06Thank you, Warner.
24:07But again, I do want to revisit working on your boundaries with clients.
24:11I've been thinking about that a lot.
24:12And I, um...
24:13Oh, you know what?
24:14Debra's calling.
24:15Same time next week?
24:16Great.
24:18Hey, Debra.
24:19Hi.
24:19Hi, hi, hi.
24:19I hope it's not too late.
24:20No, no.
24:21This is great.
24:21I actually wanted to talk to you.
24:22I just figured it was too late for you.
24:24Are you ready for your close-up, Mr. Vance?
24:26What?
24:27I got you a part.
24:28Your Oscar is just one great performance, nomination, flawless campaign, and win away.
24:33No.
24:33I'm over that.
24:34Don't need an Oscar anymore.
24:35No.
24:35Yes, you do.
24:36You need it.
24:37You told me you needed it.
24:37And we recast somebody.
24:39We're putting you on the call sheet right now.
24:40Jimmy, I'm doing stand-up tomorrow.
24:42Oh, no.
24:43You're sundown in Darlin'.
24:44You cannot perform.
24:46No, I'm going to do a secret show.
24:48We're going to confiscate phones.
24:49Well, no venue's going to agree to that.
24:51They don't have to.
24:53I know a guy.
24:56Password?
24:57Hermes Kelly 28 Kroc Gold Hardware.
25:03Follow me.
25:04They're just a type.
25:15Phones, please.
25:16If your babysitter calls, Damien here will handle it.
25:19And if you try to sneak in a device, you will be tased.
25:22They are good.
25:22Follow me and watch your step.
25:24We are not liable before, ladies.
25:25Open any hard candy now.
25:27So help me God, if I hear a rustle, you're gone.
25:31Sit.
25:31Right this way.
25:32Front row, best seat in the house.
25:34You do have to sit on the floor, though.
25:35Sorry about that.
25:35Did you get your mom yet?
25:37The Arbuckle movie is freaking out.
25:38All right, let me try her again.
25:44I'm so sorry, everybody.
25:45I'm so sorry.
25:47Oh, it's my son calling.
25:49He's been trying to reach me.
25:51Hi, honey.
25:51What's going on?
25:52You know that we shoot until midnight every night.
25:54I know.
25:54I'm sorry.
25:54Just listen.
25:55I got you a role in the Fatty Arbuckle movie.
25:57Okay.
25:58Say more.
25:59Here's the only issue.
25:59We lose our location Saturday, so we have to shoot tomorrow.
26:02Can you be off book for eight pages by morning?
26:04Baby, are you kidding?
26:05I'm in soaps.
26:06I could be off book for Hamlet in 20 minutes.
26:08Oh, great.
26:09Okay.
26:10Oh, the show's starting.
26:11I gotta go.
26:11I'll text you.
26:12All right, love you.
26:13Okay.
26:14When the mom is in, she's gonna do it.
26:16Yes.
26:17Debra.
26:18Debra.
26:19Debra.
26:20Debra.
26:21Debra.
26:22Debra.
26:23Debra.
26:23Debra.
26:24Debra.
26:25Debra.
26:26Debra.
26:27Debra.
26:28Debra.
26:29Debra.
26:29Debra.
26:30Debra.
26:31Debra.
26:34Debra.
26:35Debra.
26:36Debra.
26:36Debra.
26:37Debra.
26:37Debra.
26:38Debra.
26:38Debra.
26:39Debra.
26:39Debra.
26:39Debra.
26:39Debra.
26:41Debra.
26:41Debra.
26:42Debra.
26:43Debra.
26:49Debra.
26:54you know when a man does that
26:55he's the son of God
26:56when a woman does
26:57that she's held for questioning
26:58at LAX
27:01the only other time
27:02I was mistaken for a corpse
27:03is when I let a straight man
27:04do my makeup
27:10you know when you're
27:11away from the spotlight
27:14you have time to think about
27:15what really matters
27:18the spotlight
27:35oh can I try the kitty cat
27:37oh that is fierce
27:40stunning
27:40excuse me
27:43are you Deborah Vance
27:44yes I'm alive
27:45and you've been sown
27:51bitch
27:53shit
27:53there's a video of you
27:54from the show online
27:55I can't believe
27:56Vance people found it so quickly
27:58looks like we're going to court
27:59ma'am
27:59we need that ring back
28:00she'll give it back
28:01when she's ready
28:27we've just learned the judge has ruled
28:29that due to Comstar's investment
28:30in promoting Deborah Vance
28:31as the host of Late Night
28:32the clause barring her
28:33from performing
28:34is in fact enforceable
28:35a temporary restraining order
28:37will be put in place
28:37until a full trial
28:38can be set
28:39this is a huge loss
28:40for Ms. Vance
28:41and her team
28:42we'll be covering
28:44free speech
28:44give us some space please
28:48free speech is under attack
28:49in this country
28:50today I have been told
28:52that I cannot so much
28:53as perform
28:53one single joke
28:55or I will go to jail
28:57but they can't censor me forever
28:59the moment that my contract expires
29:01I will be speaking my truth
29:02in fact
29:02I'll be shouting it
29:04at my comeback show
29:06at the world's most famous arena
29:08Madison Square Garden
29:10thank you
29:11excuse us guys
29:12excuse us please
29:13back it up
29:14back up
29:14give us some room
29:16thank you
29:18the garden
29:18yeah
29:20it's the ultimate wing
29:21for a comedian
29:21if I sell it out
29:22I'll be one of only a handful
29:23who've ever done it
29:24and that
29:25will be my legacy
29:26you know for women
29:27who can't be on camera
29:28you've just got a lot of air time
29:30mmhmm
29:31wait
29:32he leaked that video
29:33didn't you
29:33no
29:34I did
29:35that was a great pitch
29:37we have to announce somehow
29:40oh my god
29:51I'm back
29:52back to the new york
29:56I'm back
29:57back to the new york
30:00learn how to drive you
30:02I'll see you in the butt
30:03of the fucking hudson
30:07isn't it great to be back
30:09in the new york
30:09yeah
30:09what
30:10right
30:11oh
30:13here I am
30:15in this shit
30:16with a fist
30:18full of doubt
30:18and baby
30:20you better believe
30:21I'm back
30:22back in the new york
30:26I'm back
30:26I'm bearing gifts
30:27wow
30:28I see that
30:29hi pretty
30:34oh look at that
30:35look at that view
30:36that's
30:37gorgeous
30:40you know I can't accept bribes
30:42bribes
30:42I don't like to say bribes
30:43oh no
30:44I just have a little
30:45I was thinking
30:45it was like a
30:45first
30:46this is
30:47yes
30:49well I heard
30:50that you were
30:51understandably
30:52less than pleased
30:53that I announced
30:54I was doing a show
30:54at your esteemed venue
30:56before I had
30:57actually booked it
30:58and I just wanted
30:58to come in person
30:59and apologize
30:59and say
31:00I cannot wait
31:01to work together
31:01you're right
31:02I was very pissed off
31:03because that is not
31:04how things work
31:05around here
31:06no
31:06I'm sorry
31:07and if you would
31:08come to me
31:09I would have told you
31:10that I don't think
31:11you're right for MSG
31:11I think you're right
31:13for Radio City
31:14I think you're right
31:15for Webster Hall
31:16ha
31:17I know this bitch
31:18and just say Webster Hall
31:19oh okay
31:20I can tell you're a whole
31:22deal
31:23she is
31:23but we do feel
31:24very strongly
31:25that the garden
31:25is the best venue
31:26for someone of Deborah's stature
31:27okay
31:28the talk show was great
31:30but you don't have the cops
31:32you haven't toured in years
31:33you barely have
31:34any social media presence
31:35it's just
31:36it's too much of a gamble
31:37I will sell out
31:40and even if I don't
31:41what does it matter to you
31:42I mean we will front
31:42the rental cost
31:43you'll be off the hook
31:44it's not just
31:44about the money
31:45if you are playing MSG
31:47you are the center
31:48of cultural conversation
31:49I mean our venue
31:50is a major part
31:51of New York City's history
31:52we can't just let
31:53anyone perform here
31:54I'm sorry
31:55isn't there a live
31:55true crime podcast
31:57playing tonight
31:57Murder My Stupid Ass
31:58Please
31:58has over 90 million
32:00monthly listeners
32:00it is hosted by
32:01two of the most popular
32:02people in America
32:04they swayed
32:05the presidential election
32:06you know
32:06I think you might be
32:07underestimating Deborah's fans
32:08because they are rabid
32:09they abducted me once
32:10I got free
32:11but I didn't call the cops
32:12because they are so sweet
32:14my point is
32:15they're enthusiastic
32:16and these tickets
32:17are going to sell
32:18I just don't see it
32:19this won't be just
32:20a stand-up show
32:20this will be historic
32:21I'm taking down
32:23Bob Lipka
32:23and his censorship of me
32:24and speaking truth to power
32:25this is bigger than just me
32:27I'm sorry Deborah
32:30I'm so sorry
32:31I should not have
32:32wasted your time
32:33with this petty
32:35gifting business
32:37I had two shares
32:38of Berkshire Hathaway
32:38Class A stocks
32:39thank you so much
32:40for coming by
32:41absolutely
32:42thanks
32:42we'll leave these
32:43with your sister
32:45have a nice day
32:46I guess
32:49that MSG booker is dumb
32:51and her leather jacket
32:51was stupid
32:52no it was a full grain leather
32:53and a sophisticated cup
32:54fine she's rich
32:55cool and ruining our lives
32:56look we just need to
32:57reignite the base
32:59the little debbies
32:59would help me with anything
33:00you remember in 93
33:01they started that hunger strike
33:03so I could get reinstated
33:04at the spokesperson for snack wells
33:05or when they crashed
33:06the Eileen Fisher website
33:07the day your casual duster's dropped
33:08exactly
33:09what about that autograph
33:10you mentioned in Vegas
33:10you passed on
33:11the little debbies
33:11will love that
33:12you're a genius
33:13we get my biggest fans
33:15together in one place
33:16I shower them
33:17with love and affection
33:17and then we ask them
33:18to organize a grassroots
33:19movement to get me
33:21Madison Square Garden
33:22when is it?
33:23three weeks
33:23the 21st
33:24that's Ava's birthday
33:25it's fine
33:26are there any other options?
33:27no
33:27no no no
33:28honestly I don't care
33:29about my birthday
33:29I really don't
33:31you have to at least
33:32take the day off
33:33and hang out with who?
33:35I only have one friend
33:36remember?
33:36what are you talking about?
33:39remember the last night
33:39in Singapore
33:40you said it was weird
33:40you were my only friend?
33:43you probably don't remember
33:44you're pretty drunk girl
33:45it's fine
33:46don't worry
33:46I didn't survive
33:47growing up in Massachusetts
33:48by letting a drunk person's
33:49insults affect me
33:51seriously
33:51you should do it
33:52so should I cook it?
33:54yeah
33:54here Jimmy
33:56get the shot
34:00perfect
34:02that's what we've been waiting for?
34:04yeah
34:04for content
34:05I need a chill
34:06I need one content
34:07I'm looking for my baby
34:10been searching for a long long time
34:13I got to find my baby
34:17got to get this feeling off my mind
34:20you need to hug us
34:22good morning
34:24my favorite ladies
34:25and Damien
34:26so we've talked to the organizers
34:27slipped them a hundo
34:28and guess what
34:29they moved Heather Locklear
34:29to the other side of the building
34:30good
34:32she's still my exact shade of blonde
34:33in 98
34:33and look
34:34I know you want to be out by 3
34:35so I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin
34:36and see if he'll give you his time slot
34:37in the photo studio
34:38perfect yeah
34:38I don't want to be here too late
34:39okay
34:39I'm going to head to the table
34:40alright
34:41see you over there
34:43and you
34:44happy birthday
34:45birthday girl
34:46oh
34:47I know we normally get you a gift
34:49but we are a little low on funds
34:50this year
34:50I'm sorry about that
34:51don't even worry about it
34:52oh my god
34:52I finished your mall girl script last night
34:54Ava
34:54it is so good
34:56oh
34:57yeah I laughed
34:57I cried
34:58it's like
34:58it's emotional and cinematic
35:00it's really special
35:00and I can't wait to send it around
35:01oh my god
35:02amazing
35:02thank you
35:03I'm proud of you
35:04oh
35:04coffee birthday girl
35:06wow this is a really fancy tray
35:08had it custom made
35:10heaters built in
35:11USB charging
35:12patent
35:12you're a really good assistant
35:15you know
35:15in Hollywood
35:16it's not about good or bad
35:17it's about power
35:18nice watch
35:25honey I would love to sign it
35:26but I can't
35:27legally
35:27and I'll do that
35:29bye
35:32they're probably
35:33filming at the mouth
35:34hey my little
35:36jemmies
35:41hi
35:45hello
35:48oh wow
35:49the DV industry
35:50swiss army knife
35:50it's got it all
35:51it's got the tweezers
35:52it's got the brow spoolie
35:54and come on
35:55who could ask for more than that
35:56very rare item
35:57actually it's widely available
35:59on the internet
35:59which you'd know
36:00if you were still active
36:01on the DV message boards
36:03how would you
36:04how would you like
36:04just your name please
36:10it's great to see
36:13hey
36:14how's it going
36:15oddly
36:16I see
36:16well
36:17I just met the actor
36:18who gave Dawson a blowjob
36:19on the boat
36:19and sees him very something
36:20on starstruck
36:21and amazing
36:21one autograph
36:22hi there
36:23hi
36:25oh hey
36:26sorry
36:26I think the line
36:27starts back there
36:28oh no
36:28I'm actually here for you
36:30I am a huge fan
36:32of me
36:33yeah
36:34I was obsessed with girl town
36:36and you always wrote
36:36the best episodes
36:37oh my god
36:38I left college for that job
36:40I know
36:41and then I followed you
36:42on twitter
36:43even now I'll just
36:44randomly look up
36:44your old tweet sometimes
36:45oh no
36:46don't do that
36:47anyway
36:48then I saw my bad
36:49because I heard
36:50that you'd worked on it
36:51yeah
36:52I'd never even seen
36:53Debra before
36:53I mean
36:54it's kind of crazy
36:55how you've changed
36:56the whole trajectory
36:56of her career
36:58she's mad lucky
36:59to have you
37:00wish you said that
37:01a little louder
37:01but thank you
37:02will you sign
37:03your times magazine cover
37:06yes
37:07I've never
37:08never signed anything
37:09for anyone before
37:10wow
37:11this is amazing
37:12I really now understand
37:13why parasocial relationships
37:14are replacing real ones
37:16but seriously
37:17thank you for all
37:18that you contribute
37:18to society
37:21anytime
37:25I'll catch you around
37:26yeah
37:27I'll be around all day
37:28coolly
37:29coolly
37:31cool
37:31can't tell you
37:33sorry
37:34it's on me
37:35thank you
37:35thanks
37:36thanks for coming
37:37oh Ezekiel
37:38nice to see a familiar face
37:40what can I sign for you
37:41I've actually signed
37:42something for you
37:43it's my resignation letter
37:45as president
37:45of the Debra Vance
37:46fan club
37:46southwest branch
37:47is he
37:48is he
37:48you've been a pillar
37:49of the little
37:50debbie community
37:50for years
37:51I heard that
37:52Kathy Griffin
37:52is looking for
37:52an infusion
37:53into her base
37:54so I am taking
37:54my talents
37:55elsewhere
37:56okay
37:56okay
37:57what
37:57what is going on
37:58what is the problem
37:59the problem
38:00is that you
38:01went hollywood
38:02I did not go hollywood
38:04yes you did
38:05you haven't sent out
38:06Debra's do's and don'ts
38:07in almost two years
38:08I don't know what to do
38:09or what not to do
38:09sometimes I just sit
38:10in the dark
38:11yeah
38:12you discontinued
38:13your car insurance plan
38:15and now I'm uninsured
38:16oh honey
38:17you gotta have insurance
38:19and you discontinued
38:20the Debra Vance
38:20red light mask
38:21I liked the burns
38:22it eventually turned to tan
38:23you want to make
38:25you're a lizard
38:28hey
38:28get into a single file line
38:30or you will be tased
38:31do not fuck with me
38:36you should address
38:37the lizard thing
38:38it's not gaining traction
38:41who's next
38:42and you really don't mind
38:43switching with Debra
38:43oh no no no
38:44not at all
38:44that rant she did
38:45against Lipka
38:46gold
38:47legend
38:48that's a friggin' animal
38:49tell me about it
38:50plus she always invites me
38:50to her 4th of July party
38:51I never go
38:52but uh
38:53the invite's always nice
38:54well you're gonna be
38:55on the list forever
38:56ma'am
38:56we appreciate you
38:57I'm not too big Jimmy
38:59never too big
39:00my man
39:00alright
39:01okay
39:02now that's a guy
39:03I could be friends with
39:03I love him
39:04exactly what I like
39:05to hear from you boss
39:05because I do not
39:06want to see you
39:07fall prey to the male
39:07loneliness epidemic
39:09no
39:09I know it's terrible
39:10my uncle more
39:11he shot himself
39:11through the head
39:12it's Renee O'Connor
39:14who's that
39:14from Xena Warrior Princess
39:16the show
39:16the show on the WB
39:17oh TV show
39:18yeah
39:19I haven't made it to TV yet
39:20I'm still making it
39:20through all the movies
39:22she's Xena
39:23no that's Gabrielle
39:24that's Xena's battle partner
39:26her confidant
39:26she's a traveling bard
39:27well you gotta go say hi
39:28hell no
39:29I would be so nervous
39:30I would faint
39:30no I couldn't
39:31I mean I've seen
39:32every episode multiple times
39:33I even still have
39:33a recurring dream
39:34that I'm helping Xena
39:35save Prometheus
39:36so that humans
39:36don't lose their capacity
39:37for healing and fire
39:38Jimmy you're meeting her
39:39you'll regret it
39:40if you don't
39:40you think
39:41I know so
39:42okay
39:43okay god I wish
39:44I had a beta blocker
39:44alright let's go
39:46woo
39:47so are you working
39:48on anything else
39:49other than writing
39:49for Debra
39:50yeah
39:51yeah I actually
39:51just read a movie
39:52about a girl
39:52who lives at the mall
39:53oh such a good idea
39:55got my tickets
39:56I am so russat
39:57you're so sweet
39:59shit wait
39:59this is just occurring
40:00to me
40:01are you gonna have
40:02to leave Debra
40:02no no
40:03I mean
40:04especially not
40:04after what she did
40:05for me at late night
40:08so
40:09what's your
40:10like
40:11dream
40:12you know I've always
40:12wanted to create
40:13my own show
40:14I was voted
40:15most likely to show run
40:17my high school yearbook
40:18I mean I did create
40:19the superlative
40:20but still
40:20really hope this isn't
40:21weird that I know this
40:22but um
40:23it's your birthday today
40:24right
40:25yes it is
40:27and you're turning
40:2730 right
40:28yeah
40:29poof
40:30pretty big milestone
40:32are you like
40:33freaking out
40:33about where you're at
40:34in your life
40:34no no
40:35I mean
40:36no not really
40:37I don't think
40:37should I
40:38no
40:38no I'm not
40:39well
40:41I'd love to get you
40:41something for your birthday
40:42like a cupcake
40:43or
40:44you don't have to
40:45but if they have
40:46chocolate cake
40:46I'd take chocolate icing
40:47or if they have
40:48vanilla cake
40:49I still would want
40:50chocolate icing
40:50but if funfetti's in the mix
40:52of course
40:52I'd have
40:52they just have corn muffins
40:53perfect
40:55it's your day
40:57why are you performing
40:58only at Madison Square
40:59London up for
40:59New Hampshire
41:00I mean
41:00we're important
41:01too
41:01we've built a
41:02revolutionary war fleet
41:03and we so appreciate that
41:05you stopped doing
41:06your annual
41:06Christmas conference call
41:07now how are we
41:08supposed to sync up
41:09our micro thing
41:09you never published
41:10another book of
41:11debokus
41:11and the regular
41:12sudokus
41:13are just too hard
41:14I'm mad you left
41:15QVC
41:15and I'm mad you didn't
41:16leave QVC earlier
41:19work it out
41:20I miss Marcus
41:20Damien never sends us
41:22locks of your hair
41:25you didn't endorse
41:26a candidate
41:26in the presidential election
41:27so I didn't vote
41:29and now my kids
41:30won't talk to me
41:31I sent you two
41:31suspicious packages
41:32and didn't even receive
41:33a cease and desist letter
41:34you used to care
41:35okay that's it
41:36I need a break
41:37ten minute break
41:41these people are
41:41impossible to please
41:43I mean my fans seem to think
41:44I owe them every single
41:45moment of my life
41:46think of it this way
41:47today you are being paid
41:48to be yelled at
41:49for some people
41:49that's a kink
41:53oh yeah this is classic
41:54heavy yeah
41:55oh she looks the exact
41:56same
41:57did you know it was
41:58actually the fans that
41:58saw Xena as a guest
41:59character on Hercules
42:00and they were so
42:01enthusiastic
42:01that they actually helped
42:02get the spin-off series
42:03made
42:03grassroots movements
42:04are always so inspiring
42:06that is until they turn
42:07bloodthirsty
42:09next
42:09here we go
42:10here we go
42:10we paid
42:12I'm Renee
42:12I'm Renee
42:13I'm you're Renee
42:13I'm Renee
42:14you're Renee
42:14I'm Renee
42:15I'm Jimmy
42:16I am so sorry
42:17I'm so sorry
42:18this is weird because
42:19I'm a manager in LA
42:20so I never get starstruck
42:21but I think that you
42:22were such a talent
42:23and the series meant
42:24so much to me
42:25I was so lucky to be
42:26a part of that world
42:27have you ever thought
42:28about doing a rewatch
42:28podcast you know
42:29they're really big right
42:30now where you go
42:30through old episodes
42:31and discuss them
42:31I don't think enough
42:32people want to hear
42:33me talk about that
42:33girl shut up
42:35we love the show
42:36we watched it all
42:37people would love
42:37that content
42:38like the hope storyline
42:39you know
42:39when did you realize
42:40your daughter was
42:41going to be evil
42:41was it from the
42:42beginning or did it
42:42slowly dawn on you
42:43well her father was a
42:44wicked demigod
42:45so it kind of
42:45tipped it off for me
42:46right mysteriously
42:47impregnated at a
42:48demon ritual
42:49I was like
42:49that's going to come
42:49back
42:50do you mind if we
42:52get a photo
42:52of course
42:53I'm sorry
42:54I'm sweating
42:57smile big
42:59bigger
43:01not that big
43:01split the difference
43:02split the difference
43:03you should just
43:04start over
43:04get all new fans
43:05I mean there are
43:06people born every day
43:06right
43:07I gotta tell you
43:07I mean as someone
43:08who just got their
43:09first fan
43:09you really need to
43:10cherish these
43:10it's been 12 minutes
43:11and I said 10
43:12oh
43:13okay hey
43:14just try to keep
43:14together
43:15right
43:16no promises
43:19hello
43:20how can I do
43:21better for you
43:22oh no
43:22I just wanted to
43:23say thank you
43:25oh
43:27you're welcome
43:27for what
43:28well my mom and I
43:29have been like
43:30huge fans of yours
43:31ever since
43:32live for your diet
43:33and we came to
43:34Vegas and we
43:35saw you at the
43:35palmetto
43:36and then we were
43:37like literally
43:37quoting your jokes
43:39for 10 hours
43:40the entire car
43:41ride home
43:42it was like
43:42the best weekend
43:43I'm so glad
43:44thank you
43:45anyway
43:46we made you
43:47something
43:47to say thank you
43:51it's you
43:52Barry and Kara
43:54wow
43:54and we made this
43:56completely out of
43:57natural seeds and
43:58grains
43:5829 types
43:59we were sorting
44:01yellow peas
44:02for an entire winter
44:03just to nail your
44:04light honey blonde
44:05it's gotten a little
44:06warped because we
44:07made it three years ago
44:08but you haven't been
44:09to any of these
44:09so we we couldn't
44:10get it to you
44:11but here you go
44:15that's beautiful
44:16that's beautiful
44:18is your mom here
44:19so I can thank her
44:21oh no
44:23she passed
44:24in May
44:26I'm so sorry honey
44:28thank you
44:28she would be so
44:30happy that I was
44:31finally able to get
44:31this to you
44:32she really loved you
44:35thank you
44:37thank you
44:45I need a minute
44:48it's okay
44:49Damien it's okay
44:54oh
45:06oh yeah
45:07been there
45:08it's carpal tunnel
45:09you need one of
45:10these
45:11no
45:11it's not bad
45:12it's
45:14it's
45:14ah
45:15fan art
45:17so ugly
45:18it moves you to tears
45:19something like that
45:20I once had a guy
45:21paint a portrait of me
45:22using a stamp pad
45:23and his anus
45:26it's framed in my
45:27bathroom
45:27no it's not that
45:29it's ugly
45:29I mean
45:30it is
45:31it's just
45:32this woman
45:34and her mother
45:36spent months of their
45:37lives
45:38making this
45:39oh yeah
45:40but so what
45:40they love doing it
45:42they support us
45:44we show up for them
45:45that's the freaking
45:46deal mama
45:47well that's the thing
45:49I haven't been
45:50showing up for them
45:51and
45:52they're very mad
45:53at me for it
45:54they'll forgive you
45:56I don't deserve it
45:59I just came here
46:00to exploit them
46:00because I need their help
46:03well
46:05just tell them
46:05what you need
46:07they want to feel like
46:08they're in a relationship
46:09with you
46:09and that you need them
46:10more than anyone else
46:11and it sounds like
46:12you might
46:13the truth will set you free
46:15baby doll
46:17that's all they want
46:23that
46:23and a t-shirt
46:25that only some people
46:26are allowed to get
46:42little debbies
46:44I have news
46:47Madison Square Garden
46:48won't give me a date
46:48because they say
46:50I'm not big enough
46:50to play it
46:52so I came here
46:53to get you
46:55to rally for me
46:57which is unfair
47:00because
47:01you're right
47:03I have neglected you
47:05and
47:06I am
47:07so sorry
47:08hold on
47:09they're saying
47:10you're not big enough
47:11to play an SG
47:12fuck that
47:12the garden would be
47:14lucky to have you
47:15thank you
47:17well in time
47:18I hope
47:18that I can regain
47:19your trust
47:19they don't get to tell you
47:20what you can and can't do
47:22that's our job
47:23I'm the greatest comedian
47:24of all time
47:25yes
47:26so the Knicks
47:27can play MSG
47:28but not Deborah Vance
47:30misogynistic bullshit
47:31I don't care
47:32if you are a lizard
47:33you deserve to play MSG
47:36as president
47:37of the Little Debbie's
47:38Tucson chapter
47:38this will not stand
47:40wait sorry
47:40sorry
47:41I thought you were my fan
47:43what are you talking about
47:44that's Cindy
47:44she's the third generation
47:45Little Debbie
47:46that's right
47:47I'm here for Deborah
47:48I just wanted to replace you
47:50and write for her
47:50you stupid bitch
47:52oh my god
47:54so you didn't like
47:55any of my tweets
47:55they're not jokes
47:57they're thought poems
47:58okay
47:59Deborah
47:59who do we talk to
48:00about this
48:02Amanda Weinberg
48:03at MSG
48:04dash
48:05entertainment
48:06dot com
48:07one
48:07Madison Square Garden
48:09Plaza
48:09suite 3H
48:11Deborah
48:11we will get you
48:13that motherfucking venue
48:14that's a promise
48:14you know what
48:15if you can do that
48:16I'm making the tickets
48:18it's $20
48:18so you all can come
48:19and you know what
48:21I'm bringing back
48:22Deborah Plus
48:23and you know what else
48:25this year's Christmas theme
48:26is fuchsia and cherry
48:28the 1997 redox
48:36good actually
48:37I didn't think it would be
48:38but the macchiato
48:39perfect amount
48:39why
48:39Jimmy
48:40the macchiato was really good
48:41Jimmy
48:41Jimmy
48:41over there
48:42hey
48:43you know
48:44I want to thank you
48:44for your advice
48:45I reached out to Lucy
48:47and she loves the
48:47Xena rewatch podcast idea
48:49Lucy Lawless knows my idea
48:50yeah
48:51well you know
48:51it's really nice
48:52to talk about business
48:53with someone who
48:53is familiar with my work
48:55I never had a rep
48:56pitch me any ideas
48:57much less actually
48:57watch the whole show
48:58what
48:59people are insane
49:00people are sick
49:00people are sick
49:01sick people
49:02piece of shit
49:03I'm sure your roster
49:04is crowded
49:04but would you
49:06ever consider
49:07representing me
49:08us
49:09absolutely
49:10alright
49:10well then
49:11I mean I probably
49:12should give you
49:1310% of what I made today
49:15no no no
49:15that's not necessary
49:16but thank you
49:16are you okay
49:17with hundreds
49:18yes
49:19love that
49:20we are
49:20we are
49:21thank you
49:21this is difficult
49:22okay well this was amazing
49:24consider yourself a client
49:25of Shaped from the Sack
49:26yeah let me put you on an email
49:27with Lucy and I
49:28next week
49:28when you're back in LA
49:29we'll take you to dinner
49:30you like Greek
49:30I love Greek
49:31I don't need octopus though
49:33anymore
49:33they're too intelligent
49:34that's right
49:39Eric Estrada
49:50I love you girl
49:52thank you
49:53happy birthday love
49:57happy birthday honey
49:59look who's here
50:01oh wow
50:02hi
50:02hi
50:03hi
50:03honey Regan
50:04it's me
50:04yup hey
50:05how are ya
50:05nice to see ya
50:06hi
50:07it's so nice to see you
50:08it's been forever
50:098th graduation
50:10how could I forget
50:11yeah when Deborah called
50:12I told her how inseparable
50:13you two were
50:14and how it would mean
50:15the world to you
50:16to be together
50:17on your 30th
50:17so here we all are
50:18absolutely
50:19yup
50:19yup
50:20how are you
50:21amazing
50:21yeah
50:22I married Greg Holland
50:24remember him
50:25um
50:26he ran through a glass door
50:27his cousin drove in the quarry
50:29oh
50:29yes Greg
50:30he used to put girls
50:30in his hockey bag
50:31him
50:31anyway
50:32we have 4 kids under 6
50:33whoa
50:33yup
50:34all natural
50:35sorry for you
50:36anyway
50:37needless to say
50:38I am thrilled to be here
50:38yeah
50:39I should tell you
50:40Mr. Mertz just died
50:40oh
50:41that's so sad
50:42no it's not
50:42he was a pedophile
50:43convicted
50:44multiple times over
50:46let's party
50:47come on
50:51oh oh my god
50:53and we got just a few
50:55of your favorite things
50:56the entire jack and box menu
50:58a cranberry kombucha
51:00oh yes
51:01cupcakes from a queer bakery
51:02and of course
51:03oh my god
51:04for two cheese rolls
51:05and pompocino papanos
51:07I haven't flown in this morning
51:08I miss these rolls
51:10I don't want them
51:13the spray cleans the screen
51:15while the brush wipes the crumbs
51:17from the keyboard
51:18thank you so much
51:20please use it
51:21oh well sorry
51:21ladies and gentlemen
51:23we have one last surprise
51:25please give a warm welcome
51:27to Jesse McCartney
51:31yes bitch
51:34this one goes out
51:35to the most special girl
51:36in the world
51:37you know who you are
51:39it's me
51:40happy birthday
51:41I've heard about this
51:42in my middle school journal
51:42it's coming true
51:44I know
51:44I read your journals
51:46that's why
51:47that's why he's here
51:50I don't want another
51:51pretty face
51:52I don't want just anyone
51:54to hold
51:55I don't want my love
51:56to go to waste
51:57I want you
51:58and your beautiful soul
52:02and your beautiful soul
52:05I know that you
52:08are something special
52:10and to you
52:12I'd be
52:13always faithful
52:15and I want
52:17to be
52:18what you always needed
52:20then I hope you see
52:22the heart in me
52:24I don't want another
52:25pretty face
52:26I don't want just anyone
52:28to hold
52:29I don't want my love
52:30to go to waste
52:31I want you
52:33and your beautiful soul
52:36okay I'm sleeping
52:38in late tomorrow
52:39you can bowl
52:40your own cantaloupe
52:41goodnight
52:42night
52:42well you know what
52:43I'm going to say
52:44goodnight now too
52:45I have a 4.15am flight
52:47to Papayate
52:47to see my boyfriend
52:48in the senior world
52:49windsurfing competition
52:50I'm sorry
52:51you have a boyfriend?
52:51well I emailed you
52:52about him
52:53I emailed her
52:53uh no
52:54I don't think you did
52:54well I'm seeing someone Eva
52:56and it's become physical
52:58the first since your father
52:59well
52:59depends what you count
53:01oh god
53:02uh
53:02well
53:03I love you
53:03okay
53:04bye
53:04love you
53:05night
53:06bye
53:06awesome
53:09wow
53:10oh my god
53:11that was a successful party
53:13yeah
53:13it's so many friends
53:15who showed up for you
53:17and that Jenny
53:18you know the one who
53:19drank vodka
53:20out of one of my
53:20really nice
53:21wine glasses
53:22yes
53:22Jenny Regan
53:23the girl I only befriended
53:25so that I could play
53:25with her hermit crabs
53:26and then she stopped
53:27being my friend
53:27when she got her period
53:28before me
53:30oh
53:31friend's a friend
53:33and you got a lot
53:34of them here
53:38Deborah
53:40did you only throw me
53:41at this party
53:41because you feel bad
53:42about what you sent
53:42on the boat
53:42in Singapore
53:44no
53:46I mean it's your
53:46birthday
53:47you deserve a party
53:48a birthday party
53:49wow
53:50did you ever hear
53:50one of those
53:51guilt looks good
53:52on you
53:53Deborah
53:53you don't have
53:54to feel guilty
53:54about that
53:56you're not wrong
53:58you are my only friend
54:01what hurt me
54:02was that you said
54:02it was weird
54:03because I don't
54:03think it is
54:06you know I think
54:07you're the reason
54:08that I
54:09haven't been there
54:10for the Little
54:10Debbies
54:12I used to spend
54:13so much time
54:13with my fans
54:14but it wasn't
54:16for them
54:17it was for me
54:19I mean
54:20they were my friends
54:23because I never
54:23really had any
54:25yes you did
54:26you had friends
54:27you've always had
54:28friends
54:28you have tons of
54:29friends
54:29I was popular
54:33I never had
54:34a best friend
54:38well I mean
54:38you know
54:39my sister
54:41you know
54:42we know how that
54:42went
54:43so I just
54:44relied more
54:45and more
54:45on the Little
54:46Debbies
54:46and it was
54:48as much
54:48for me
54:49as it was
54:50for them
54:52but then
54:52I met you
54:56and I didn't
54:57need them
54:57so much
54:58anymore
54:59that makes
55:00sense
55:02I'm your
55:03number one
55:03fan
55:06hey
55:06oh
55:07oh
55:07oh
55:08you've got
55:0850 minutes
55:09left on your
55:09birthday
55:10what do you
55:10want to do
55:18that's a new
55:19phone background
55:21someone smoking
55:22the Cheech
55:22hey you
55:23you're still
55:24here
55:25oh yeah
55:26I just
55:27fucked Jesse
55:27McCutney
55:28yeah
55:29you cheated
55:30on Greg
55:31okay you
55:32don't know
55:32our arrangement
55:32wow okay
55:33you open
55:34no
55:36hey you mind
55:36if I rinse
55:37off in your
55:38swimming pool
55:38I don't like
55:38a UTI
55:39sure
55:40wonderful
55:40thank you
55:43wow
55:43a lot of
55:43salt and
55:44peppa shakers
55:44you think
55:44you got
55:45enough
55:46sorry about
55:47that
55:47oh here
55:48try this
55:51what is it
55:52it's my
55:53pumpkin yogurt
55:53bread batter
55:54I want to
55:55include a
55:55fat free
55:56recipe in
55:56my newsletter
55:57tomorrow
55:58because my
55:58little debbies
55:59are going to
55:59need all the
55:59energy they
56:00can get
56:02absolutely
56:03absolutely
56:03I was going
56:03to say get
56:04out of my
56:04head because
56:05when he
56:05when he
56:06took the
56:06old
56:06step
56:10can't take
56:11away
56:12these remains
56:12were never
56:13recovered from
56:14that creek
56:14put your shoes
56:17on honey
56:17this episode of
56:18murder my
56:18stupid ass
56:18please is
56:19sponsored by
56:19dev for
56:20msg go to
56:21change.org today
56:21and add your name
56:22to the petition
56:22Amanda
56:31oh good
56:32this is all
56:32for you
56:33what
56:33oh my god
56:37they're from
56:37my home address
56:38oh my god
56:39no I
56:39I don't want
56:40anything to do
56:40with this
56:41return to sender
56:42except the old
56:43name
56:43I got three
56:45other bands
56:45I am being
56:46stuck and harassed
56:47return to sender
56:48grassy ass
57:14I understand
57:15many of you
57:15have been waiting
57:16for me to speak
57:17on this
57:17so hear me now
57:18I am not
57:20a lizard
57:21and I know
57:22that is something
57:23a lizard would
57:23say
57:24however
57:25that was really
57:26really believable
57:27though
57:27yeah
57:27thanks
57:29the harassment
57:30has got to
57:31stop
57:32still don't think
57:32it's a good
57:33idea
57:34but I'm giving
57:35you a date
57:35at the garden
57:36oh okay
57:37wow
57:38that's fantastic
57:39yeah great
57:40thanks Amanda
57:41we'll talk
57:42real soon
57:45we're going
57:46to msg
57:46yes
57:48one
57:49september 11
57:509-11
57:51was the only date
57:52available
57:52grant
57:54here we go
57:55ow that hurt
57:57god it's like
57:57high-fiving the
57:58hole
57:59of your step
58:00no
58:01no
58:02no
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