- 7 hours ago
Ghosts US S05E01-3 [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:02I know Elias showed up and revealed that he had tricked Jay into selling his soul and is now actively
00:07trying to kill him, but it was a lovely book launch party.
00:11It's true. It'll be pretty bitchin' as one of Jay's last memories.
00:14How is Jay doing today, Samantha? Still on edge?
00:18Yes, we're both on edge. An emissary if the devil is trying to kill my husband and drag him to
00:22hell, so we're on high alert, okay? It's DEFCON 5.
00:25Actually, DEFCON 1 is the most dangerous.
00:27Not now, Pete.
00:28Sam? Did the bubble wrap I ordered arrive?
00:32I'm gonna need you to wrap me up, babe.
00:34Poor Jay. An eternity in hell. I know what that's like. I want to spend a weekend in Boston.
00:41Jay, I don't think this is gonna cut it. We need a better solution than hockey pads and some bubble
00:46wrap.
00:46You're thinking I should put on my stormtrooper armor?
00:49I wish I had mithril, which, as you know, protected Frodo from an orc spear at the Mines of Moria.
00:53Oh, I see. He's intentionally trying to shrivel your desire for him in order to make his upcoming absence more
00:59bearable for you.
01:00That's thoughtful.
01:01I don't think the answer is that we just keep evading attempts on your life.
01:04We need to figure out how to get you out of this deal.
01:06How are Jay's fiddling skills?
01:09Do people not get the reference?
01:10The Devil Went Down to Georgia? It's a phenomenal song.
01:13What are you talking about?
01:14Oh, come on.
01:15The Devil Went Down to Georgia. He was looking for a soul to steal.
01:18And he was in a bind because he was way behind and he was willing to make a deal.
01:21When he came across a young man sawing on a fiddle and playing at hocks.
01:24So he hopped up on a hickory stump and said, boy, let me tell you what.
01:27What's going on? Are the ghosts concerned for me?
01:30Uh-huh.
01:30Fire on the mountain, run, boys, run!
01:34Devil in the house of the rising sun!
01:38Are you tapping your toe? Why are you tapping your toe?
01:41It's just a nervous tick. We're all nervous, Jay.
01:45Thank you, guys.
01:52What's going on here?
01:53Small man fixing ghost trap in quixotic bed to circumvent you with Devil.
01:58If you're wondering about all the big words, Sam got a word at the day calendar and Thor has been
02:01following along.
02:02Thor never skipped day. Thor very ambidextrous.
02:05He doesn't always nail it.
02:06Jay, I was thinking maybe we should start pureeing all your food.
02:09You know, cut down on choking hazards while we're figuring out this whole Elias thing.
02:13Wait, what are you doing?
02:14Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said, and I can't keep worrying about Elias trying to kill
02:19me, so I've come up with a plan.
02:21And it is nuts.
02:23I got in touch with Yannis.
02:25The Latvian ghost trap repairman.
02:26And he talked me through how to fix the ghost trap. If I live, we're having pierogies with him and
02:30his mom next week.
02:31Cool.
02:32Anyways, the plan is, if Elias kills me in the few seconds I have before he drags my soul to
02:36hell, I'm just gonna touch the ghost trap and get sucked right on in.
02:40So in this scenario, you're still dead, but instead of going to hell, you're just stuck in a little box
02:43for eternity?
02:44No, just until you guys figure out a way to extricate me from the devil's bargain.
02:48Ask him about the tiny furniture. It's crazy.
02:50And the tiny doll furniture?
02:52Well, I might be in there for a while and I thought I might as well be comfortable.
02:55It actually doesn't cost much to live a luxurious doll's life.
02:58He's lost it.
03:00Check this out.
03:02Huh? You never let me have one of those in real big life.
03:05I honestly can't tell what he's rooting for.
03:07Jay, I've just gotta be honest here. This seems like a terrible plan.
03:10Well, it's the one to beat.
03:12Uh, Sam Elias Woodstone is here in demon form and he would like to talk to Jay.
03:16No! Jay! Elias is here!
03:18Okay, yeah. Let's just hear what he has to say.
03:22Wait! Wait!
03:25Now I'm ready.
03:27And a turnic cookie!
03:29That's genius.
03:32Hey, there's my partner in crime.
03:35If kissing were a crime, which it's not, although arson is.
03:38And we did almost burn this place down.
03:39You're damn right we did.
03:41So, how are we planning to tell everyone about us?
03:44Oh, I'd like to maximize jealousy and ideally it should involve me singing.
03:50Well, I mean, I know it's not the same, but when Carol and I got engaged,
03:53we announced it in the Kiwanis newsletter.
03:54There'd been a float collision at the Rhubarb Days Parade,
03:57so most of the other announcements were pretty somber.
04:00Oh, well, maybe we should just go downstairs and tell everyone the good news.
04:03We could.
04:04Although, is it a little insensitive to put our happiness on display
04:07with all Sam and Jay are going through?
04:09That's partly based on some feedback I got after the Rhubarb tragedy.
04:12Sure, I get that.
04:14It's just, as far as everyone in the house is concerned,
04:17I profess my love to you in front of everyone,
04:19and then you immediately fled the property.
04:21Oh, boy. Yeah, I didn't think about it that way.
04:24Although, I mean, with all this Jay stuff going on,
04:26I doubt that's on anyone's radar.
04:28Yeah, I guess you're right.
04:30Leave the man alone, Alberta. He's not interested.
04:35I filled her in on the whole day of humiliation thing.
04:38We're friends now. We walked.
04:40Well, Carol, if you must know, I can't take a hint.
04:46Can't blame a girl for trying.
04:47Is there anyone for her in the basement?
04:50Creepy Dirk is newly single, but he's pretty picky.
04:54I'll do a temp check.
04:59I'm here to talk about the timeline of your death.
05:02Wait, what is that?
05:05It's an air fryer.
05:06I'm looking for healthier ways to eat chicken nuggets.
05:09Ah, at last we come face to face, Hellspawn.
05:14Who is this little freak?
05:15Patience just came in and is confronting Elias.
05:18Seriously?
05:19I knew I was right when I sensed the Devil's presence in this house.
05:23And now, it is my destiny to smite thee.
05:26Oh, damn. It's about to go down.
05:28She says she's gonna smite him, Jay.
05:30Say goodbye, demon.
05:35What's happening?
05:37Is she shooting lasers out of her eyes?
05:39Are there flames?
05:40Not exactly.
05:42Smite!
05:42Smite!
05:43Smite!
05:44Smite!
05:45Smite!
05:47SMITE!
05:48Is this your whole plan?
05:50Just to yell smite?
05:51I mean, it does leave one wanting.
05:53Patience, have you ever done this before?
05:55Well, not exactly, but I just assumed on account of my holiness and his wickedness.
06:00Patience no need to feel ashamed.
06:02Very ambidextrous effort.
06:04It didn't work, Jay.
06:06Damn it!
06:07I mean, yay, my publicist is saved.
06:11This doesn't make any sense!
06:13Patience!
06:14Patience!
06:15Now, where were we?
06:16Ah, yes.
06:17I am not here to kill you.
06:19Okay.
06:20Could be trick.
06:21I often tell Dane, not going to kill you.
06:23But then I do kill.
06:24Very funny.
06:25I realized it was unsporting of me to take your soul before I made good on my end of the
06:30bargain.
06:30I mean, you made a deal with the devil, you should get something in return.
06:33So, in exchange for Jay's soul, I promised to take him to new heights of success.
06:38To put him and his restaurant on the map.
06:40So, how long exactly do I have left to live?
06:43Gosh, I mean, a rise from obscurity to the top of the culinary heap could take decades.
06:48Decades?
06:49Okay, I can work with decades.
06:50No, I was saying it could take decades, if I were a less incredible publicist.
06:55But I pulled some strings and worked my connections.
06:58I secured you an appearance on Good Hang with Amy Poehler.
07:03Oh, that's actually a really big podcast.
07:05Yeah.
07:06So, what does this mean?
07:07It means that I fulfilled my end of a deal.
07:09Oh, one more thing.
07:10It tapes tomorrow, after which you die.
07:13So, make it a good hang.
07:16For it shall be your last hang.
07:21I can't believe you married this guy, Eddie.
07:23I had two cousins to choose from.
07:26And the other one had weird teeth.
07:34I had three clever anecdotes for Jay to talk about on the podcast.
07:41We've all heard the pasta story.
07:43That's not gonna cut it.
07:43Okay, here's what I'm thinking.
07:45I fill a Ziploc bag full of water, put it in the ghost trap, and now little Jay has a
07:50water bed.
07:51Wait a minute.
07:52The ghost trap.
07:53Yes, sweetie, that's what it's called.
07:55No, I'm saying, what if we trick Elias into going inside it and hold him hostage until he lets Jay
08:00out of the deal?
08:01It's like what the cult did to get that radio DJ to read Bruce's manifesto on air.
08:06A good idea undermined by a disturbing example.
08:08The ghosts are saying we should try to trap Elias in the ghost trap.
08:12Interesting.
08:13Either he lets me out of the deal, or we use the evisceration function to destroy him.
08:18But we can't trap a demon in a ghost trap.
08:20We need to get him back to ghost form.
08:21Right.
08:22How are we gonna do that?
08:23Jay, the good hang folks want to know what you'd like for lunch in the green room tomorrow.
08:28I don't know.
08:29Big deal with double sonic smasher, I guess.
08:31You're a chef, man.
08:32What if I just refuse to go to the podcast?
08:35Is that some kind of loophole?
08:36Sadly, it's not.
08:38And honestly, it's just rude to pull her.
08:39Who is lovely?
08:41Speaking of lovely, nice to see you again, Alberta.
08:47Well, that must feel like a nice shot in the arm after the brutal public rejection from Peter.
08:52Still think you're a super lady.
08:55Hey, Elias seems like he's really into Alberta.
08:57Maybe we could use that to lure him into ghost form.
08:59What do you mean?
09:00I'm just saying, if Elias were made to think he's got a shot with Birdie here,
09:03he'd have to turn into a ghost to make a move.
09:05You're suggesting a classic Hoboken honeypot.
09:07And before anything happens, we make him come into contact with the ghost trap, and boom, in he goes.
09:12Sounds exciting.
09:13I'm in.
09:14Oh, Birdie's about to get flirty.
09:15The ghosts are suggesting we have Alberta hit on Elias to get him back into ghost form.
09:20Interesting.
09:20And her confidence isn't shot from that whole Pete debacle.
09:23Forget it.
09:23Send his man to hell.
09:25She can do it, Jay.
09:26I certainly believe in her.
09:27Shut up, Pete.
09:30Well, I come to bid thee farewell.
09:32Following my failed smiting, I am returning to the dirt, where I shall live out eternity in shame.
09:39Okay.
09:40Bye.
09:40Nice seeing you.
09:41Wait, patience.
09:43Are you okay?
09:44I don't know.
09:46For centuries I've wondered why God hath abandoned me to this purgatory.
09:50And then Elias came, and it all made sense.
09:54I was kept here to defeat the devil.
09:57I think I'm here to entertain others with my stories.
10:00Have I ever told you about the time I found a weird apple?
10:03It just doth make no sense.
10:05A good and pure soul should be able to vanquish evil.
10:09Well, maybe, and don't take this the wrong way, it's possible that your soul isn't so pure.
10:16Patience?
10:17It's true.
10:18Patience spent much time saying others bad, but not much time doing good.
10:25Patience.
10:26Oh, so you're saying, Patience talketh the talk, but don't walketh the walk.
10:31Yes, ma'am.
10:33Patience know what you need to do.
10:36Patience.
10:40Now back to the apple story.
10:42It was a red, but it was a weird red.
10:45No, he doesn't want something better.
10:48He wants Sonic.
10:52A man who goes after what he wants.
10:54I wonder if there's anything else he has his eyes on?
10:57Excuse me?
10:59It's just, we don't get a lot of handsome strangers around here.
11:04I'm sorry.
11:06Is it hot in here?
11:08Mm-hmm.
11:08I'm not the best judge.
11:10My condo is in the fiery pits of hell.
11:12Ooh, a homeowner.
11:16That's right.
11:18When you're a demon, I can't touch you.
11:21Oh, there's an easy fix for that.
11:26Hello.
11:28Oh, my.
11:29So you in ghost form now?
11:31Indeed.
11:32I believe you were about to touch something.
11:35No.
11:36You're about to touch something.
11:40He's in, Jay.
11:44What's going on?
11:45You're in a ghost trap, Elias.
11:46And I just hit the evisceration button.
11:48You have five minutes to release me from our deal, or you're toast.
11:52Now I'm going to wait for you to say something and have Sam tell me what you said.
11:55Mm-hmm.
11:55Why is everyone screaming?
11:57Who is that?
12:00Who are you?
12:01Oh, no.
12:02Uh, Jay, I think we have a problem.
12:04It seems as if Carol is also in the ghost trap.
12:07Oh, crap.
12:12Carol, what are you doing in there?
12:14Well, I was in the kitchen sniffing baked goods.
12:17And Jay walked in with this strange little box.
12:20I tried to poke my head in to see what was inside.
12:23Next thing you know, I'm in this weird little room.
12:26Carol, I was holding the ghost trap for the last 20 minutes.
12:29Why didn't you yell for help?
12:30Oh, I must have fallen asleep.
12:32There's this really comfortable chair in here.
12:35The Barca lounger.
12:36Great.
12:37She would have been rescued, but she fell asleep in your doll chair.
12:40I would have been comfortable.
12:41Oh, this is rich.
12:42You thought you had me.
12:44Threatening to eviscerate me unless I release Jay's soul.
12:47But you can't destroy me unless you destroy your precious Carol.
12:51I don't know about precious.
12:52Three minutes until evisceration.
12:53Can we stop the clock?
12:55Maybe we can just hold them hostage for a while.
12:57The only way to stop the countdown is to let them out.
12:59Or let them both, you know, move.
13:02Hetty.
13:03I am just talking it out.
13:05I mean, it would save Jay.
13:07And it's Elias.
13:09Carol, if we had to choose two ghosts to be eviscerated,
13:12would we be anywhere different right now?
13:13Really?
13:14Hmm?
13:14Alright, so Carol's not quite the bargaining chip I thought I'd looked into,
13:17but we all know you don't have it in you to eviscerate an innocent ghost.
13:21Innocent is strong.
13:23She cuckolded Pete for years with his best friend.
13:25And then she lied to him about his entire career,
13:27leaving him to believe he was a legitimate travel agent
13:30when he was actually an unwritten front for the mob.
13:32Some of those trips were real.
13:33Although, some in retrospect appear to have been assassinations.
13:36You can also just kind of tell she voted for Nixon.
13:39When you put it all together, she was kind of a bad person.
13:43Jay, the ghosts are sort of implying that maybe it's okay if we sacrifice Carol.
13:46Not all the ghosts.
13:48Look, I know Carol is far from perfect, but deep down, way, way down,
13:53I know there's good inside her.
13:56I don't want to go to hell, but I signed that deal.
14:01I can't do that to somebody else.
14:03Even Carol.
14:09You tricked me, Jay.
14:12Not cool.
14:15He went back down.
14:17Okay, so maybe the danger's past?
14:20Yes, I'm sure that's it.
14:23Jay's life ends now.
14:25Elias, please, just...
14:27Silence!
14:29Oh, my God!
14:31He's got the Force!
14:32Oh, my God, was that the Force?
14:33Not important right now, but did Pete say something about the Force?
14:36Yes, Jay.
14:36My man.
14:38Look out!
14:39Look out!
14:45Is Jay making lightsaber sounds?
14:48It helps him focus.
14:48He's practiced this in the mirror.
14:49You're ready, Jay!
14:50You've got this!
14:53Your soul will soon be mine, Jay, and with it, my promotion from Vice President to Senior Vice President with
15:00shared assistance.
15:01Oh!
15:02Oh!
15:03Just stop, Elias!
15:05Say goodbye, Samantha.
15:06Wait!
15:10Would you accept another soul in his stead?
15:14What happened, babe?
15:15Why would you stop trying to kill me?
15:16I think Patience is volunteering to take your spot?
15:20No way.
15:21It's about time Patience walketh the walk.
15:24Cool.
15:24Let's make it official.
15:27Oh, wow.
15:28Wow, you can really feel the heat.
15:32Um...
15:32It's...
15:33It's pretty toasty.
15:34Patience?
15:35I'm so touched.
15:38Yeah, I'm out.
15:39This is just beyond generous of you.
15:42Seriously, I don't know how I'm ever gonna...
15:43Jay, she bailed.
15:44Dammit, that fair little dirt ball.
15:46Alright, Jay.
15:48Time to die.
15:52I'm scared, Sam.
15:53I'm sorry I signed that contract.
15:55I give you my blessing to remarry after a respectful seven years, as long as it's not to Kyle.
16:00I hate Kyle.
16:02I love you, Sam.
16:03I love you, Jay.
16:05I love you, Jay.
16:05Not as much as I do.
16:07Elias, take me instead.
16:08Pete!
16:09No!
16:09Peter!
16:10Jay's my best friend.
16:11He's got his whole life to live.
16:13Works for me.
16:19Oh my God!
16:20Carol, what did you just do?
16:21Something I should have done a long time ago.
16:24Done right by you.
16:25Carol just sacrificed herself to save Pete, who also stepped up.
16:29Oh my God!
16:31Alright, I haven't had one since high school, but I need a cigarette.
16:34Carol, you didn't have to do this.
16:36You weren't a bad person.
16:38We were just... different.
16:40Like donuts.
16:41And donut holes.
16:43How do you mean?
16:44You know, because they come from different machines.
16:46But it's all donut material.
16:47No, I don't think so.
16:50Okay.
16:51Time to go.
16:52Ta-ta.
16:55Jay, you are officially free.
16:58I was going to do it.
17:00Some could say I sort of got the ball rolling.
17:03Oh!
17:04Well, this is new.
17:06No, no, no, no!
17:08What's happening?
17:54I'll miss Isaac.
17:56I'm right here.
17:57Okay, well, if you're Isaac, then who's Doug?
18:01There is no Doug.
18:03We lost Doug? No! Doug!
18:07Alright.
18:08Everyone, we have an announcement.
18:10Now that the danger has passed, we'd like to let you all know that...
18:14Pete and I finally smooched last week!
18:17Oh, sick! It's just like the doll version.
18:20That is amazing!
18:21It is amazing.
18:22No, I'm talking to Pete and Alberta. Apparently they kissed last week.
18:26Well, let me get this straight. You kissed Peter and then he immediately volunteered to go to hell?
18:30No, that's not. The two are unconnected.
18:34I don't like this narrative.
18:36Oooh, real big life is fixing to be a-okay.
18:44I just can't stop thinking about it.
18:46Carol, our newest and arguably worst ghost, an adulterous mob accountant, does one good deed and up she goes.
18:54I mean, it was a doozy of a good deed though. You know, she saved Jay, she saved me.
18:58Well, in truth, she didn't really end up saving you, but rather took your spot up there.
19:02She robbed you of the suck-off that was rightfully yours.
19:06Damn it, Carol!
19:07What's with all the water bottles?
19:09The company that delivers Sam and Jay's water got bought out by some big conglomerate and now the service has
19:14fallen completely off a cliff.
19:15Sam has been trying to cancel for days, but she can't get a human on the phone.
19:19She's slowly going insane and it is a joy to watch.
19:23Representative! Representative!
19:25Still no luck, Sam?
19:26No, this company is so annoying. They still haven't picked up the empties.
19:30Wait, did they drop off more bottles?
19:32Okay, got it. You're requesting more bottles. Is that right?
19:35What? No!
19:36This is why in the cult we always got water from the stream and milk from the neighbor's dog.
19:42Get this bad boy! Class A extended cab!
19:46Oh, I bet that baby's got some sweet slide-outs!
19:50Hello there, Samantha!
19:52Hi!
19:53What do you think of the old girl? I mean the RV, not Margaret.
19:56Oh!
19:58I kid. I am still very sexually attracted to her.
20:02I hired a truck! Is that the water delivery guys?
20:05Oh. Hey, Farnsby's.
20:07Hello, Jay. We just wanted to stop by to let you two know that we'll be leaving for a while.
20:12We're embarking on an autumnal tour.
20:14We're doing a little peeping. I bet you are.
20:16Oh, wow. Well, how long are you thinking you'll be gone?
20:19Several months. We've rented out the house to a lovely young couple.
20:22We're going to hit all the major swinger communities. Apparently Harrisburg goes hard.
20:27It's true. It does.
20:29So, would you like to take a quick tour of the RV?
20:31Yeah, I would not go inside that bus.
20:32No, thank you. We're good, but have fun and drive safe.
20:37And, uh, do other things safe.
20:40All right, Margaret. All aboard the Pineapple Express.
20:44Bye, everyone.
20:47Father! We have big news! Judy and I are getting married! That is wonderful!
20:53We were waiting till my pervert son and his degenerate wife moved out, and now that day has finally come!
20:59Do you not want to risk orgy breaking out during wedding ceremony?
21:04Wolf and completely understand! Orgy meant for after ceremony!
21:12This is wonderful news, Thor.
21:14Yeah, really happy for you, big guy. Representative!
21:17And they're doing ceremony in front of screaming windows so Thor can watch.
21:22I miss plus one, and I know exactly what I'm wearing. This.
21:26Bjorn also bestow great honor upon Thor. He asked Thor to speak at wedding. Thor, most touched.
21:33Oh, that's great, Thor. And if you need someone to sing.
21:37We all good.
21:38Hey, guys. Just got back from the Farnsby's. Heard the big news, Thor. Mazel tov.
21:42Huh?
21:43Please don't say Jewish things and point at me.
21:44Anyway, Sam, guess who's renting the Farnsby's house? The names Garrett and Libby mean anything to you?
21:49Get out. Seriously? They're this great couple we know from Brooklyn. Jay Garrett and Libby are renting the Farnsby's.
21:56This is huge! So are we just moving on from Thor thing?
22:00What is so great about Garrett and Libby?
22:02They're like the social chairs of the friend group. They plan these great couples trips every year. They look so
22:07fun.
22:07Last year, they went whitewater rafting in the Yellowstone River. And then this year, I hear they're planning a scavenger
22:12hunt in Bimini.
22:13I don't know where that is, but we need to be there.
22:15Oh, these two needed numbskulls. God love them.
22:18Why wouldn't they have reached out to us, though? They know we live up here.
22:21Very simple explanation for that. They think you're both nuts.
22:24Oh no, Jay, they think we're nuts.
22:27Did they talk to Nico and Sasha?
22:28Oh, the couple that thought you wanted to murder them on Halloween?
22:31Bingo.
22:32Silver lining, apparently you two are a favorite topic at some very cool dinner parties in the city.
22:36Samantha, let not one setback define your social standing. Your failure at Halloween is just a rumor to these people.
22:43They weren't there to see how truly embarrassing your behavior really was.
22:46Yeah, just go say hey!
22:48The ghosts think we should go try to smooth things over.
22:50Yeah, I don't know. That sounds like it might get weird.
22:53It doesn't have to be weird. Just go ask for a cup of sugar. Or, if their dog is postpartum,
22:58some milk.
22:59If they just went for a jog, they'll probably be back in a couple minutes.
23:02Let's get out to the mailboxes. Pete says they'll be jogging by any second.
23:05What about Evercreek? I don't think the reception will go that far.
23:07Oh, we could just call them back later.
23:10Are you joking? We're six hours in. We're not hanging up. I showered with this phone in a bag.
23:17He looked ridiculous. I mean, I imagine he looked ridiculous.
23:22Sam, allow me. We ghosts can't do much, but we can wait on hold.
23:26And certain very powerful ghosts can even press one to remain on the line.
23:31Ha! My man can leave the property.
23:33You know he can.
23:35Ooh, so powerful.
23:37That's right, baby.
23:38Oh, God. Where do we look?
23:41Okay, so the ghosts are in place for the yelling line in case anyone from Evercreek picks up the phone.
23:45Penny! Give a test yell!
23:48Samantha's posture is not that of someone attempting to make a good first impression!
23:53Loud and clear!
23:55Here they come. Here they come.
23:57Oh, my God! Garrett Libby! Hi!
24:00Hey!
24:01What are you guys doing here? We're checking our mail.
24:04Good improv, Jay. A little first thought, but sometimes the first thought's the best thought.
24:07Uh, we actually just rented a house in the neighborhood. The Farnsby's.
24:11Oh, no way! We live just down the road. Welcome.
24:14We love it here. It's so nice to get out of the city, huh?
24:16Oh, yeah. The city was driving us crazy.
24:20I mean, not crazy. Crazy was a poor choice of words.
24:22Oh, because they heard that you were crazy. Oh, that's sensitive of them.
24:26Yeah, it's a great area. We just got a new brunch spot. Nina's.
24:29Oh, we tried to go there this morning.
24:30Yeah, but the line was like nuts. Not nuts. It was long. The line there was long.
24:38How are you liking the Farnsby's?
24:39It's great. You know, we were thinking about turning one of the bedrooms into a media room,
24:43but is it rude to move all the furniture around in a rental?
24:47I'm sure they wouldn't mind.
24:49Oh, really? That's great.
24:51Yeah.
24:51Strike while the iron is hot! Extend a social invitation!
24:55So, speaking about great restaurants in the area, which is something we recently talked about before we talked about something
25:01else.
25:02We're through.
25:03Anyway, we have a restaurant. Jay is the chef.
25:06It's called Mahesh. You guys should join us for dinner there tonight.
25:09Yeah. It'll be so fun.
25:12Sure. Why not?
25:14They got a why not! Resigned acceptance!
25:19We'll take it!
25:21Fallout! Wedding is tomorrow!
25:23So happy to get to share this special day with you!
25:28Me too, son!
25:29We'll be momentary jazz for eternity!
25:35Wait! What's happening?
25:38You don't think it's weird in front of the window?
25:40No, babe. The point of a home theater is that it's dark. This is good!
25:44Father! The intent to block the window! Your attendance at the wedding is in jeopardy!
25:56To our victory at the mailbox!
25:59What are they celebrating?
26:00The most incremental bit of forward movement in a potential friendship with the couple running the Farnsby House?
26:07Disaster struck!
26:08What's wrong, Thor?
26:09Your renters move furniture in front of the screaming window!
26:12Thor can't see, son! We'll miss wedding!
26:15This time next year, we're gonna be scavenger hunting on a beach in Bimini!
26:19That is if, in fact, Bimini is by the ocean.
26:22I'm 80% sure it's an island.
26:23I'm 100 years dead, and even I know you can look that up!
26:26Jay, Garrett and Libby moved a bookcase in front of the screaming window.
26:29But how's Thor gonna see the wedding?
26:31Yeah, that's the problem.
26:33Thor, this is solvable.
26:34Samantha and Jay will simply broach the subject at their upcoming dinner tonight and get the couple to remove the
26:39offending object.
26:40Yes! So simple!
26:42You look troubled.
26:43Why are you looking troubled?
26:44Samantha, I would hate for you to tremble this nascent friendship with an awkward request for something that should be
26:50none of your concern.
26:51Samantha, please!
26:53Son's wedding means everything to Thor.
26:55Thor not there for son's first kill.
26:58Thor not there for Bjorn's first war chief.
27:01That's so sad.
27:02Thor not there for Bjorn's first wedding.
27:05Thor need to be there for this one.
27:09Okay!
27:11If there's an opening, we'll bring up moving the bookcase.
27:14Damn it, we were on such a not weird roll with this couple.
27:18I mean, the successful interaction at the mailbox.
27:22Oh, okay, I guess that's all there was.
27:25Please continue to hold, and thank you for choosing Evergreen, the Hudson Valley's only choice in water delivery.
27:31Why are they so proud of that?
27:32Dude, you're still on hold?
27:34It's been a nightmare.
27:35I mean, I did get a brief chuckle when she said I was 69th in line, but other than that,
27:39it's been a slog.
27:40So just walk away.
27:41Who cares?
27:42The thing is, I have a theory.
27:44Carol hit the mother load.
27:46She did a mitzvah so huge it resulted in an immediate ticket upstairs.
27:50I should have jumped on that grenade.
27:51We blew it.
27:52Exactly.
27:53And opportunities to do good deeds that giant don't come around very often.
27:57But maybe there's a way to do a bunch of little good deeds.
28:02Like waiting on hold.
28:03And then eventually they add up, and boom!
28:05Team Money's hitching a ride on the suck-off express.
28:07I want in.
28:08I can help you wait on hold.
28:10No, no, no, no.
28:11This is my tiny good deed.
28:13You start helping, you're gonna take half my points.
28:15No, no, no, but you letting me in and sharing it with me?
28:18That feels like its own tiny good deed.
28:21Oh, that's true.
28:22Okay, fine.
28:24But no one else.
28:25Deal.
28:25We appreciate your patience.
28:27Press any button or say anything to hang up.
28:30What are these options?
28:31It's a great game.
28:32These guys are good.
28:34This whole property is so cute.
28:36And the food is amazing.
28:38Well, if you do have any complaints, I can take them right to the chef.
28:43My man, that mailbox magic was not just imagined.
28:46Enough tiny talk.
28:48Bring up bookies.
28:49They are getting to it.
28:50This is conversational foreplay.
28:52What is foreplay?
28:53It's true.
28:54He has no idea.
28:55Um, do you guys know about these couples trips that we organize every year?
28:59Oh, my God.
29:01It's happening.
29:02Uh, I don't know.
29:03I think we've seen something on Instagram, maybe?
29:06Well, uh, this year we are organizing a scavenger hunt on this beautiful island called Bimini.
29:13Yes, an island.
29:14I knew it.
29:15Well, I don't know what your schedule's like this winter, but we do have one slot open if you guys
29:19think you can make it.
29:21We'll check.
29:22It's very interesting.
29:23Sounds fun.
29:24Cool as a cucumber.
29:25I have rarely been proud of you, but never more so than now.
29:29Bookcase now!
29:31So, uh, shifting gears.
29:34Oh, I hate this.
29:36What ended up happening with the media room?
29:38Is it all set up?
29:39Yeah, I mean, it's not a professional job, but it works.
29:42There was a lot of light in the room, so we just moved a bookcase in front of the window.
29:46Ooh.
29:47Is that that?
29:48Yes!
29:49Bring it home, Samantha.
29:50It's just not great in terms of, um, feng shui.
29:54Okay.
29:55Whatever.
29:57It's fine.
29:58Okay, Sam.
29:59They heard you out.
30:00Samantha, with Bimini in the balance, I do not advise you to pursue this any further.
30:04What?
30:05Keep pressing!
30:06Here's the moment of truth, where she chooses between our own prospects and Thor's happiness.
30:10I'm rooting for Thor, but also Sam.
30:12Samantha, please.
30:15So tell us more about this scavenger hunt.
30:17Coward!
30:17She did what she had to do.
30:21Ugh, this is so boring.
30:22Before Sam, this would have at least been something to do, but we have TV now.
30:27I love TV.
30:28TV's the best.
30:29Ugh, why is a play so boring, but TV is so good?
30:33Look, we're like 50th in line.
30:35Why don't we go upstairs and watch one show and then get right back on hold?
30:38Right.
30:39We get a little break, and then we come down and we help Sam and collect our suck-off points.
30:42Great, one show.
30:43One show.
30:43Maybe two, if it's good.
30:44Or a cliffhanger.
30:45You are now 49th in line.
30:47Plenty of time.
30:52Vimini, here we come, babe.
30:54Oh, very happy livings get to go on precious trip, while Thor miss out on most important
30:59moment of afterlife.
31:01Thor, I tried to bring up moving the bookshelf, but you saw?
31:04It was awkward.
31:05I'm sorry.
31:06I didn't want to push.
31:07You have to push.
31:09You think village elders just agreed to jump off cliff?
31:12No!
31:13Sometimes people need a little push.
31:15I mean, need.
31:16It was a little strong.
31:17You could've just, you know, let them turn 35.
31:20Okay, so, I just came back from Libby and Garrett's.
31:23And man, are they singing your praises.
31:25Oh, you are in, girlfriend.
31:27Maybe we should keep the momentum going with like a little housewarming gift.
31:30Cookies.
31:31Well, you better get over there quickly, because they also said they're about to head back to
31:33the city for the weekend.
31:34Yes!
31:35That's amazing timing.
31:36Sam, all you need to do is break into fond of these nude book gifts for a wedding,
31:40then move back so new friends never know.
31:43Ooh, a candle!
31:44Uh, Jay, Pete said that Garrett and Libby are going back to the city for the weekend.
31:48No doubt with tales of our normalness for the friend group.
31:50Right, but then Thor wants us to break into their house and move their bookcase.
31:54Okay, no, that's nuts.
31:55You know I am doggedly protective of your social advancement, but they will be gone anyway.
32:01Plus, if you guys get caught, at least that'd be exciting.
32:03I mean, we got a couple girls sitting on hold overnight.
32:06We need this!
32:06If it helps, I happen to know that the lock on the back door is broken over there,
32:10which is probably why Mrs. Farnsby is always telling people to come in the back door.
32:13Samantha.
32:15Thor's own father died before Thor got married.
32:18He was not there to see Thor wedding.
32:21It was a wonderful day, but touched with sadness, his absence felt moved strongly.
32:28Thor says his own father wasn't able to attend his wedding.
32:31Oh, that's rough.
32:33We drank mead and had great feast.
32:36The table, four, many, many rams testicles.
32:41But two testicles were missing.
32:44Those of my father.
32:46That was beautiful.
32:48Sort of.
32:50Jay, I-
32:51We're breaking into the Farnsby's, aren't we?
32:53Yep.
33:00Yes, Pete was right.
33:01I'll take things Carol never said for 600, Alex.
33:05She stole my slot in heaven, the final insult.
33:08Come on.
33:08This way.
33:09Bet she's hanging out with Alex right now.
33:11Laughing at me.
33:15Okay.
33:16That is heavy.
33:17Someone's muscles are pumped.
33:18George the Puritan ghost says hi.
33:21Samantha, thank you so much for making it possible for father to attend ceremony.
33:25The all can see!
33:26Grateful!
33:27So glad you could make it!
33:29Oh yeah, there is a glare on the TV.
33:31I can see why they did that.
33:32Okay, let's get you kids married!
33:34The wedding's about to start.
33:35And I shouldn't watch TV during the wedding.
33:39No, Jay.
33:40Okay, cool.
33:41I'll just be on my phone.
33:42Idea.
33:43The Golden Bachelor, but for young people.
33:46They have that.
33:47It's called The Bachelor.
33:49What?
33:50Then why are we watching these old bags?
33:53I'll be right back.
33:55Whoa, aren't you gonna watch The Final Rose?
33:57I feel like Gertrude's about to get crushed.
34:00Just gotta stretch my legs.
34:05Who am I kidding?
34:06I get with all these ladies.
34:08And so, by the power vested in me, via Sam, via the internet,
34:13I now pronounce you man and wife!
34:16Yes!
34:17Take her now!
34:18And we watch as Odin commands!
34:20Okay, I was thinking maybe just a classic kiss the bride!
34:29They're married now, Jay.
34:31Great!
34:32It's an honor to be here.
34:33Now it's time we all hear from the father of the groom!
34:37Thor, buddy!
34:38Take it away!
34:42Bjorn!
34:43Julie!
34:46Congratulations!
34:51Oh, I think that's it.
34:53So beautiful, father!
34:55It really was.
34:58What was that?
35:00Oh, no!
35:02The renters are back!
35:04George says Garrett and Libby are back!
35:06What?
35:06No!
35:07What happening?!
35:08Garrett and Libby are back!
35:10Pete, you don't need to whisper.
35:11Oh, right.
35:12Garrett and Libby are back!
35:14Stay on the line.
35:15We're thirsty to help you.
35:17The worst.
35:18What are you doing?
35:20I was just checking to make sure we had time for another episode.
35:23Oh, yeah, right.
35:24You're trying to steal this good deed for yourself so you can get all the suck-off points!
35:28Fine, okay, you're right.
35:29But I deserve them!
35:30I've been here way longer than you!
35:32So what?!
35:32This whole thing was my idea!
35:34You're being selfish.
35:35Yes, you're being a baby.
35:36You are the next caller in line!
35:38You nincompoops!
35:39What are you doing?!
35:40We're next in line!
35:42I'll alert, Samantha!
35:44The hell you will!
35:45He's trying to get in on our good deed so he gets one step closer to getting sucked off!
35:48Hold on.
35:49You're only performing this kind act to accrue credit towards an eventual ascension?
35:55That's genius.
35:56And it's mine.
35:58Samantha!
35:59Get back here!
36:00This is my good deed!
36:01I thought they went to the city!
36:03Cool, well we'll just tell them that when they catch us in their house.
36:06Go out the window!
36:07That's what the milkman did when my husband almost caught us in 1952.
36:10We're not going out the window!
36:12I'm just saying that trellis held Tommy.
36:14And he was quite sturdy.
36:15Milk did that body good.
36:17Samantha!
36:17Huh?!
36:18Samantha!
36:19You're next in the-
36:20Oh!
36:21My hair!
36:21You gotta get back here now!
36:23Next caller!
36:24They're saying you're next in line, Sam!
36:26You gotta go pick up the phone!
36:27Jay!
36:28Effort Creek!
36:28We're next in the queue!
36:29No!
36:30That's a minute!
36:30Wait time!
36:31Two minutes!
36:33Behind there, Isaac!
36:35What are you wearing?
36:36Yeah.
36:37Same thing, George!
36:39Okay.
36:40You go out the window, and I'll move the bookcase back.
36:43I don't want to leave you.
36:44Watch and learn, you two.
36:45That's how you do a marriage.
36:46I'll figure something out.
36:48It's Ever Creek, babe.
36:49We can't let them win.
36:51The traffic was crazy.
36:54Absolutely.
36:55Why don't we just stay in and watch a movie tonight?
36:58Right?
36:59Like, we have that whole video room.
37:00I like that.
37:06So, what movie do you want to watch?
37:09I don't know.
37:09They have a ton of DVDs.
37:16It's been a minute since I've been in the closet.
37:19They have swingers.
37:20I love this movie.
37:21Oh, no.
37:22It's not what they think it is.
37:23Let's watch it.
37:24Right.
37:26No.
37:28No.
37:28Not on my wedding day.
37:33Well, isn't this a rare string of wins for our young couple?
37:37You pulled off a Viking wedding, you managed not to alienate your new friends, and you are
37:41soon to be biminy bound.
37:42And don't forget, you successfully cancelled your water account, thanks to me.
37:46And me.
37:47Mostly me.
37:48Wait, why does Jay seem so upset?
37:50While Jay was trapped in the closet, Garrett and Libby put on some unfortunate viewing material.
37:54You okay, babe?
37:56The sounds.
37:57I can still hear them.
37:58You're lucky you just heard them.
38:00I saw things.
38:01Bad things.
38:02I'm confused.
38:03Why didn't Garrett and Libby just turn off the septuagenarian erotica?
38:07None of us could move.
38:08So many knees popping.
38:11I thought it was the Fourth of July.
38:12Wow.
38:14Who am I kidding?
38:15I'd watch that.
38:22Pack that carefully.
38:23It's a precious relic.
38:25This is a travesty.
38:26You know not what you do.
38:28Just let him rest in peace.
38:31A curse on whoever is responsible for this.
38:34A curse upon their descendants.
38:38She's beautiful, isn't she?
38:39the centerpiece of my new farm-to-table menu,
38:43the blue heirloom squash grown from seed right here at Woodstone.
38:47Have you ever seen anything like her?
38:49Sam, do not leave that man alone with this hash table.
38:52Jay is very excited about the fall menu.
38:54We really want to get the restaurant back on track.
38:56Yeah, and since we don't have Satan or any of his dark powers helping us,
38:59I had to do something splashy.
39:01Nothing more splashy than old squash.
39:04Guess who just sold four more tickets to our first annual Halloween Haunted House?
39:08Bela, the answer is Bela.
39:10She's also forcing the kitchen staff to work the event,
39:12which warmed my labor-exploiting heart.
39:15I still think it's crazy you're resorting to a bunch of fake blood and fakakta costumes
39:18when you've got the real deal right here, baby. We're ghosts.
39:21Yeah, but your guys' stuff isn't exactly scary.
39:23Excuse me?
39:24Don't poke the ghosts, Sam.
39:26Hey, I can move a Dixie cup a little bit if I try real hard.
39:29And my humming can be heard in the world of the living,
39:31if the room tone is quiet enough.
39:33And if you wait until St. Patrick's Day,
39:35now why do I even bother?
39:36Thor have the power to harness electricity.
39:40Strike fear under the hardest of hearts.
39:47Now, was that Thor?
39:49See?
39:51Bela terrified.
39:52Jumbled before Thor.
39:53Hey, Bela, thanks so much for taking the lead with all the haunted house stuff.
39:57Yeah, I just wish the house was a little spookier.
40:00I mean, it's derelict, that's good,
40:02but I feel like we could use some more creepy decorations or something.
40:04Well, there's a bunch of creepy stuff in the basement.
40:06We could bring some of that crap up here.
40:08Excuse you, son of crap.
40:10Jay, it was a little insensitive to refer to Hetty's family heirlooms that way.
40:15Insensitive?
40:15Her husband tried to kill me and drag me to hell.
40:17Come on, Sam.
40:19You would never treat me like this.
40:21I'm telling you, get rid of that thing, Sam.
40:23Puree it, chuck it, just get it out of the damn house.
40:26Gosh, I love a good haunted house.
40:28The peeled grapes that are supposed to be eyeballs,
40:31the zombie brains that are just cold spaghetti.
40:33Zombies are a trip, man.
40:36Can you imagine being dead, but still, like, walking around and stuff?
40:40Yeah, that's really hard to picture.
40:42And no matter what they do,
40:44this home will never be more frightening than the scariest house of all.
40:47The U.S. House of Representatives.
40:51Guts of the Dysfunction.
40:54How wonderful it is to see you all.
40:56Hi, Nigel. You're in a good mood.
40:59Well, it is All Hallows' Eve,
41:01which means we can bring back a ghost who's been sucked off.
41:04And I plan on bringing back Chris,
41:06the skydiving exotic dancer who stole my heart.
41:10Right, because he was sucked off,
41:12as we all remember and lament.
41:14Right, guys?
41:14That is the story that I heard and have no reason to question.
41:18Although, um, here's the thing,
41:20and you might not have been aware of this, Nigel,
41:21but in order for a ghost to come back,
41:23the living who's doing the seance
41:25must have an object that the ghost had on their person when they died.
41:31Oh, dear.
41:32No, I didn't realize that was necessary.
41:35Yes, and we don't have such an object,
41:36so I guess there's nothing we can do except
41:38just go on with our afterlives
41:40and never think of this again.
41:43Oh.
41:44Well, what about the pima straws the stripper died with?
41:46Excuse me?
41:47He was going to pass them out to the bachelorette party,
41:49but then Sam took them off his dead body and kept them.
41:52Why would she do that?
41:53I don't know.
41:54She's a secret freak.
41:55Stop shaming her, you square.
41:56Well, this is outstanding news.
41:59Yes, so great.
42:01Oh, thank you, Flower.
42:03I shall go talk to Samantha forthwith.
42:06It's been a hard few months,
42:07but it appears my luck has started to turn.
42:10God.
42:12Flower, what have you done?
42:14You mean like ever?
42:15That's a toughie.
42:16Um, acid, quaaludes.
42:18I smoked a toad once.
42:19No, I was lying when I said that Chris got sucked off.
42:22As you all know,
42:24he floated away on his own accord,
42:26and Nigel will be crushed when he finds out.
42:28Furious at me for deceiving him.
42:31Oh, no.
42:32Okay, I have to go find Samantha to get our story straight.
42:38Wait, I'm sorry, you smoked a toad?
42:40Yeah, but if I didn't, he was going to smoke me.
42:44At least that's what he told me after I smoked him.
42:49What's this weird little clamp thing?
42:50Huh?
42:51It's an elbow clamp.
42:52Well-bred children wore them during adolescence
42:54to ensure their elbows stayed nice and pointed.
42:56Oh, that's terrible.
42:58Says the girl with the rounded baker's elbows.
43:00I don't know what kind of theme Bela's working with here,
43:02but this Egyptian stuff looks pretty real.
43:04But because it is real, there's an actual mummy in there.
43:07We were the first in the county to have one,
43:09which was very important,
43:11as the Vanderbilts had just acquired the skull of a pig boy.
43:13Yeah, you can't be out pig-boyed.
43:15Jay, apparently that's a real mummy in that sarcophagus
43:17that Hetty somehow acquired.
43:19That doesn't sound like something we should have.
43:21Still very cool, though.
43:23We bought it from an unscrupulous antiquities dealer
43:26in the early 1890s.
43:28Back then, mummies were all the rage.
43:30Their wrapping's a popular cure-all.
43:32She eats his toe.
43:34The watch was gross.
43:36People ate mummies?
43:37Oh, yeah.
43:38They never did much for my insomnia,
43:39though to be fair,
43:40at the time I was consuming cocaine by the hillock.
43:42Oh, it comes with a manual.
43:44Ooh, these hieroglyphics?
43:46I got an app for this.
43:47He pays $29 a month for that,
43:49and this is the first time he's used it.
43:51The Egyptian Book of the Dead?
43:54Dope.
43:54Oh, thou only one who shinest from the moon,
43:58when Tuat is opened to the gods,
44:00let me come forth to do his pleasure upon Earth amidst the living.
44:05Yahoo!
44:06Greetings.
44:07I am Aminhotep,
44:08son of Horemheb and Merisank.
44:10Oh, my God!
44:12What happened to his toe?
44:18I'm sorry.
44:19What just happened?
44:20Uh, Jay,
44:21when I just read that thing,
44:22an Egyptian ghost came out of the mummy.
44:24What?
44:25How?
44:26Perhaps I could shed some light on the matter?
44:28The mummy's gonna explain.
44:29Sorry, I'm Sam.
44:30I'm a living,
44:31but I can see and talk to ghosts.
44:33My husband, Jay, can't.
44:34Pretty hard to see on that cant there, Sam.
44:36Felt aggressive.
44:36Three thousand years ago,
44:38when I died,
44:39the priest who was supposed to oversee
44:41my mummification rituals was waylaid,
44:43and his replacement was
44:45not what you would call
44:47experienced.
44:48You got a second string, priest.
44:50Continue.
44:50The rituals were performed incorrectly,
44:52and as such,
44:53my spirit was confined to my mummified corpse.
44:56Jay, you better fire up the ghost notes.
44:58This one is a doozy.
44:59Much later.
44:59I was stolen
45:01from my tomb in Egypt
45:02and transported to a strange land.
45:05A despicable family
45:06known as the Woodstones
45:07paraded me around
45:08like a trophy
45:09at their parties
45:10and even
45:12ate my toe.
45:14Thor, sir,
45:15was gross.
45:16Who is Thor?
45:17Thor.
45:18Thor.
45:20Uh, how did you learn English?
45:22I was unable to see my surroundings,
45:24but from inside my wrappings,
45:26I could hear what was going on.
45:28Slowly, I learned the language of this land.
45:31So if you were to ever hear the voice of a Woodstone,
45:34I would recognize it instantly.
45:36Their evil cadence is burned into my brain.
45:39If I were ever to encounter a Woodstone,
45:42I would take revenge
45:43by raining pestilence
45:45and death down upon them.
45:47Well, good thing there are no Woodstones here anymore.
45:50What?
45:52There aren't, Jay.
45:53They're all gone, right?
45:55Yep.
45:56No more Woodstones.
45:57That is good.
45:58Forgive me.
45:59I have not asked your names.
46:00Oh, well, you've already met the livings here
46:03and Thor and Trevor
46:04and I'm Alberta.
46:06And, um,
46:10this is...
46:11Oh, hi.
46:13Hiya.
46:14I'm Marge, don't you know?
46:16I died at a costume party in 1995.
46:19So nice to meet ya.
46:23Wait, why were you doing an impression
46:25of the cop lady from Fargo?
46:26It was the first thing that came to mind.
46:28I don't know why.
46:29When you encounter a man
46:30whose digits you've consumed,
46:31you panic.
46:32Okay, wait.
46:33So this mummy ghost,
46:34if he finds out that Hedy's the one
46:36who brought his remains over from Egypt
46:37and that you're one of her descendants,
46:38he's gonna...
46:39I'm sorry, what was the quote?
46:40Uh, rain, pestilence, and death down upon us.
46:44That's hard to misinterpret.
46:46Oh, where the hell did he come from?
46:48I hate this haunted house.
46:50Gabe, we're not haunted house customers.
46:52It's Sam and Jay.
46:53Your employers.
46:55Oh, my bad.
46:57In my defense, I'm pretty baked.
47:00That's not the best defense.
47:02This isn't good.
47:03It's only a matter of time
47:04before Amenhotep figures out
47:05that Hedy and I are Woodstones
47:06and then...
47:08Then what?
47:09I don't know.
47:10But we watched The Mummy.
47:11It wasn't good, man.
47:13Wasn't good?
47:13It was some of Brendan Fraser's best work.
47:15Plus Rachel Weisz.
47:17You want to give that review another run, Pete?
47:19It was fine.
47:19It wasn't really my thing.
47:21Okay, let's just talk this out.
47:22It was a scroll spell that unleashed him,
47:24so maybe if we do a counterspell,
47:26that'll get him back into his bandages.
47:27That's worth a shot.
47:29Pete and Alberta,
47:29you guys distract Amenhotep,
47:31take him on a tour of the mansion or whatever,
47:32while we figure out how to try to get him back in.
47:35On it?
47:35Pete, let's go.
47:36Are you mad?
47:37Oh, Pete, I was just messing with you.
47:39Okay, because I don't even think she's pretty.
47:40More like Rachel, yikes.
47:42Samantha, where have you been?
47:44I've been looking for you.
47:45I need your help.
47:46Nigel's going to ask you to summon Chris the Stripper
47:48using the penis straws you kept for some reason
47:50after his demise.
47:51I did not keep the penis straws.
47:53Wait, what's happening?
47:55Chris the Stripper had this package of
47:57novelty drinking straws on him when he perished,
47:59and I held on to them,
48:00thinking maybe they could be used as evidence.
48:02And when the cops laughed,
48:04I thought about returning them to his family.
48:05That's a hard call to make.
48:07Sorry your son died.
48:08I got his penis straws if you want something to remember him by.
48:10Samantha, please just tell Nigel that you don't have the straws.
48:14Okay, I can see this is important to you.
48:16There's more to life than a couple of penis straws,
48:20don't you know?
48:21Oh, just so you're aware,
48:22I'm not Hetty.
48:23I am Marge Gunderson,
48:25a small-town policewoman
48:26whose husband paints pictures of birds.
48:27Okay, Marge, this is crazy.
48:29You look just like my friend Hetty.
48:32And that is Manchin.
48:34Before Manchin,
48:35you all lived here for many centuries alone.
48:38I have been trapped in my mummified corpse
48:40for 3,000 years.
48:42They took my brain out through my nose with a hook.
48:45Okay, it's not competition.
48:47You know who else looks like
48:48her brain was sucked out through her nose?
48:50It's Rachel Weisz.
48:51Yuck.
48:52I was just messing with you.
48:53Move on, Pete.
48:54If I could give you too little advice,
48:56don't waste your time fighting
48:58because you never know
48:59when fate will rip you apart.
49:01What do you mean, friend?
49:02It is a sad tale, Thor.
49:03My wife and I were entombed together,
49:06but then the woodstones stole me
49:08from our resting place.
49:09Too rich to leave me alone,
49:11too poor to buy the both of us.
49:13Oh, that's so sad.
49:15So it's true.
49:17There is a new hunky ghost.
49:19I am Aminhotep.
49:22Aminhotep.
49:22More like, I'm a tat-bat.
49:26What is that?
49:28Why is there a painting of that woman, Marge,
49:31who died at a costume party in 1995?
49:33It's not.
49:34I don't think that looks like her.
49:35Marge, what are you talking about?
49:37That's Hedy Woodstone,
49:38the lady that built the house?
49:39She doesn't know what she's talking about.
49:41Yes, I do.
49:42It's Hedy.
49:43Am I crazy?
49:45That is Hedy Woodstone.
49:50Okay, this one might work,
49:51but it says that we need an amulet blessed by a priest.
49:54Is there any chance that we have an amulet blessed by a priest around here?
49:57I don't,
49:58but I do have a stuffed albino alligator.
50:01Is that anything?
50:02No amulet.
50:03Sorry, Jay.
50:03Okay, I'll keep looking.
50:06Well, well, well.
50:08Oh, hey there.
50:10Yes, I'm stranger.
50:10The chick is up.
50:11He knows everything.
50:12Oh, Jay.
50:13Amenhotep knows about Hedy.
50:15What?
50:15Does he know that you're a Woodstone too?
50:17What?
50:18He's also in the room.
50:19Well, you gotta lead with that.
50:21You shall pay.
50:22You shall all pay.
50:23A curse upon you.
50:30What was that?
50:32A 3,000-year-old mummy curse descending upon us.
50:35Seriously?
50:36Oh, geez.
50:43Is that?
50:45Yeah.
50:45It's a cloud of locusts approaching.
50:47Amenhotep cursed us.
50:49You're heading straight for the garden, Sam.
50:50The entire farm-to-table menu hangs on the ballots.
50:53You know, a part of me can't help but feel responsible.
50:56Oh, really?
50:58Well, I know I'm being silly.
51:00Sam, I know you've got a lot on your plate right now,
51:03but Amenhotep has reanimated his mummified corpse
51:06and sent it to kill you.
51:13Oh, no.
51:14We could source the squash from elsewhere.
51:16I mean, it's a farm-to-a-table.
51:17Jay, there's actually bigger fish.
51:19Oh, I'm sorry.
51:20Bigger fish than my heirloom squash?
51:25Amanda, is that you?
51:26Great costume.
51:28No, that's not the line cook, Jay.
51:29That's the real mummy reanimated.
51:31He's trying to kill me.
51:32To the crapper!
51:39Oh, we're gonna die!
51:40Oh, we were ghosts.
51:42We can't die.
51:42Oh, but we could lose our living butler.
51:44It might be centuries before we find another freak like her.
51:48I hate this.
51:49Why do we live here?
51:51Oh, good.
51:52There you are, Samantha.
51:53I have a rather intelligible question.
51:55A little busy right now, Nigel.
51:57Oh, God.
51:58Right.
51:59Well, my thing is rather urgent, too.
52:00It's come to my attention that you're in the possession of some novelty penis straws.
52:04Oh, for God's sake.
52:05Chris didn't get sucked off, okay?
52:07He flew away.
52:07Isaac lied to you.
52:09What?
52:10Damn, Samantha.
52:11Ice cold.
52:12I'm sorry, Nigel.
52:14I see.
52:16Okay, next Halloween, we're going on vacation.
52:19Oh, poor Nigel.
52:20God's broken-hearted.
52:22Wait a minute.
52:23Broken heart?
52:24Maybe that's how we can get Amenhotep to cease this reign of terror.
52:27What do you mean, Pete?
52:28Oh, that's right.
52:28He said when he was taken from Egypt, his mummy got separated from his wife's mummy.
52:32They had been in tune together.
52:33Oh, jeez, Hedy.
52:34You couldn't spring for the pair.
52:36It was just very expensive to bring both.
52:38And I mean, two mummies.
52:40There's a little show-offy.
52:42You had a pearl toilet.
52:44Jay, I think I know how he can write things with Amenhotep.
52:47Wait, do you hear that?
52:48Silence.
52:49I think the mummy gave up.
52:55Oh, yes.
52:56It's gone.
53:05This isn't that scary.
53:06Well, just you wait.
53:12I'm sorry.
53:13Did you scream?
53:14It was scary.
53:15You knew it was coming, man.
53:17Isaac.
53:19I spoke with Samantha about the straws.
53:22Oh.
53:22Oh.
53:23What did she say?
53:24She has the straws and will perform the seance straight away.
53:28What?
53:29Does that surprise you?
53:30You knave!
53:31She told me the truth.
53:32Chris wasn't sucked off.
53:33He was blown.
53:35Sorry?
53:36By the wind.
53:37The parachute.
53:39Why did you lie to me?
53:40Okay, well, Samantha wasn't supposed to say that part, but yes, it's true.
53:44I lied.
53:45Unbelievable.
53:46After all you've done to me, you couldn't help but put your finger in my bullet hole and
53:51wiggle it around.
53:52Oh.
53:53Trying to be lying, Warbur, but must point out that it seems Isaac only do what he do to
53:58and Nigel to be nice, so that you not think Chris just leave you.
54:03Is that true, Isaac?
54:05Well, at the time, you were still reeling from being left at the altar.
54:09Doesn't matter by whom.
54:11You were just trying to spare my feelings.
54:13That's a bit of a surprise.
54:15Well, it shouldn't be.
54:17I care about you, Nigel.
54:19I always have.
54:20And your happiness is important to me.
54:23Thank you, Isaac.
54:25Although it does bring into focus the stark reality that the man I thought I shared a spark
54:30with couldn't even care enough about me to say goodbye.
54:35I'm a sad, sad little man.
54:39You know, now that I think back, Chris did mention something about a return date.
54:44Really?
54:45When?
54:48Christmas Eve.
54:49For real?
54:52No!
54:52I don't know why I said that.
54:53I just don't like the uncomfortable moments,
54:55but I course corrected in real time,
54:58and that is growth.
54:59You need help.
55:01I know.
55:03The mansion was actually built in the ruins of a cholera pest house.
55:08I'm just happy our story's getting out there.
55:14So fake.
55:16Almanhotep, please!
55:17Call off the curses!
55:19Why would I do that?
55:20Because we, the Woodstones, have learned the error of our ways.
55:24I should have never separated you from your beloved.
55:27My husband and I were products of our time,
55:29but that doesn't excuse us disrespecting your remains the way we did.
55:33Though, not to toot my own horn, there were nine toes I did not eat.
55:36Hetty.
55:36The point is, I'm sorry.
55:38We might be able to help right this wrong.
55:41Almanhotep, we can reunite you with your wife.
55:44Tell him, Jay.
55:44We did some research.
55:45There's this thing called the internet.
55:47Turns out you were quite a notable fellow.
55:49So notable, in fact, that we found your wife's mummy.
55:52Where is she?
55:53She's in a museum in Egypt, and you can join her along with your remains if you want.
55:59I'm going home.
56:00That's right, buddy.
56:01And I'm going to go with you.
56:02And when we get there, I can recite the incantation and free her from her mummy as well.
56:06You and your wife can finally be together.
56:10Thank you so much.
56:11What's he saying, babe?
56:12Is he happy?
56:13He's very pleased, Jay.
56:14Okay, so he's going to call off the locusts and the mummy?
56:17And the herd of rats said it your way.
56:19Oh, didn't know about the rats.
56:21They were going to eat the locusts and then prove to be a much bigger problem.
56:24I had this whole thing planned.
56:26Now, Peter, are you sure you will be able to memorize this incantation?
56:30You're talking to a guy who does a word-perfect version of Bill Murray's
56:33It-Just-Doesn't-Matter monologue from Meatballs.
56:35What is Meatballs?
56:36Oh, buddy.
56:38We got a whole plane ride to Cairo.
56:39We're going to get into Rudy, the sad kid.
56:41We'll talk about Marty, the camp director,
56:43whose bed they hilariously put in the middle of the lake.
56:45Oh, and when we're done with Meatballs,
56:47we'll move on to the extended Ivan Reitman universe.
56:50Can I drive through my books?
56:51Nope.
56:52So, it all starts in a parking lot full of buses
56:55where a bunch of ragtag hormonal teenagers
56:57are about to have the summer of their lives.
57:00Yeah.
57:04It was really lovely, you guys.
57:07I did the spell, and sure enough,
57:09Amenhotep's wife came out of the mummy.
57:11Oh, the moment when they first saw each other.
57:14Tingles.
57:14Pete says it was really sweet reuniting Amenhotep and his wife.
57:17I love that.
57:18Hey, Jay, do you hope we spend eternity together?
57:21This is a must-say-yes situation.
57:24Yes.
57:25There you go.
57:26It was a layup, but you still got to make those.
57:29Oh, I will be sorry to retire, Marge Gunderson.
57:32But okie-dokie.
57:34Say, you happen to do a Philly accent.
57:36Well, that depends on whether or not you can move that glass of water.
57:41Say more.
57:42I saw on the boob tube that eagles are going to be good this year.
57:45Yeah.
57:46Let's go through batteries and Santa Claus.
57:49You like that?
57:50Mm-hmm.
Comments