7 Days (NZ) Season 18 Episode 3

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Transcript

00:20Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and anyone who doesn't identify with those rather narrow

00:25definitions of a human being, welcome along to Seven Days, I'm your host, my name is Jeremy

00:28Corbett. Tonight we will look back at the week of news and test these six clever comedians on what's

00:33stuck in their brilliant brains. Let's meet them, shall we? Leader of Team One is currently touring

00:37the country on his stick tour. Go look that up. It's the roll-on deodorant that put on a shirt

00:42and

00:42became a real man, Paul Ego. Thank you, Geoffrey Crayfish. We've got a great team on Team One

00:53tonight. First of all, someone who's smashing comedy despite that voice and somebody who's

00:58smashing comedy despite that face. Yes, it's Becky Umbers and Josh Thompson. Yeah. Wow.

01:06Holy cow. Wow. Hey, it's March, which the leader of Team Two claims is an actual sport, while

01:13Hayley Sproul. How dare you call them something like that, everyone knows. Anyway, listen, I'm a little bit

01:20nervous to be the captain of Team Two tonight because she's currently pregnant and his wife

01:25is currently pregnant. So I really want them to keep their fertile seeds away from me. It's

01:30Elyse MacLeod Whiting and Tony Lyra. Well, disappointing teams, but that'll make a disappointing night.

01:39Here we go. Newsmakers is where we start this week. We talk about the two biggest news stories

01:43of the week. Actually, might just skip over the biggest news story, eh? Go straight to the others.

01:48Team One. You get to fill in the blanks in this situation. Have a look at this. This is your

01:54cue

01:54for a news story. Fill in the blank and tell me what the story is. Why is it a newsmaker?

01:59Um, is it Corbett's search history? Oh, looks like Tomo's getting on the show a little bit more

02:05often now. Interesting. Always delete it. Would you pay $360 for your family back?

02:15Uh, is the answer $500 worth of meat? You can in some places.

02:22I did see something this week that was around the $300-ish mark. A story a couple of days ago

02:29about,

02:30it was prices for camping like next summer and how exorbitant they become. So is it maybe that?

02:36Ah, yeah. Well done, Paul. The price of camping in New Zealand is getting out of hand. Reports of a

02:40beachside campground setting you back almost $360 for a single night. Many are crying foul,

02:46claiming the classic Kiwi camping dream is dying. Man, things have really changed, haven't they?

02:51I remember just a few years ago when you could find a nice camping spot on Parliament Lawn.

02:56That's all gone up in flames. And they had all those cool activities.

02:59Yes! Fireworks fights wrecked up. And the music was pumping. Oh, such a good vibe.

03:06Whatever happened to those days? Oh, it just all went up in flames.

03:10Like, the prices have gone up. Like, seriously, when I was young, you could go camping for like

03:15a week for $40. I went like on a scout camp for $40. Most of the time was spent hiding

03:20though.

03:22Do you feel like now that it's so expensive, it'll just be rich people camping and kind of

03:26cosplaying as, like poverty cosplay. Yeah. For like $360, experience the unique thrill of

03:32homelessness or something. Yeah, the unique thrill of the government going, move on, move on.

03:37Isn't it thrilling, darling? They'd be explaining to their rich friends,

03:39it's like glamping, only for poverty. Yes. I was legitimately cold all night. I was legitimately cold.

03:45Just talking to their neighbours, they're like, what's the thread count on your tent?

03:49We bought owls from Kath Mandu. Not the store, Richard Mandu's wife, Kath.

03:55She sells the most amazing tents, Kath. But $360 is a lot for a campsite. You'd think there'd be some

04:03extras thrown in. But there are extras thrown in, like when you go to the shower, you get to see

04:06someone else's urine scurry past the bottom. That's exciting. That unique brand of fungus as well from

04:12those camp showers. The athlete's foot without the hassle of being an athlete. Yes. Those showers at

04:18campgrounds are great because if you're in there, the only way anyone can see you're in the shower

04:22is through the bottom of the door. Yeah. Or over the top of the door. Yeah. Or through the holes

04:28in

04:28the door. That's right. Or from standing on the broken toilet that's next to it. Yeah. So it's really

04:33private. You've really investigated this quite a bit. I mean, if you think the price of camping

04:37is expensive, wait until you find about the price of living in a house. Yeah. Well, take two,

04:43are you ready for a bit of a newsmaker? Hell yeah. We'll give it a go. I've got a photo

04:46for you.

04:47Have a look. Oh, hello. That's just Ariel after she is a Brazilian. I was going to say, it looks

04:53like

04:53the photo of a bin at the back of a Disneyland fish and chippy. Oh, yeah. I reckon that is

04:58what you put

04:59in the magic bullet to make glitter. Oh, yeah. Moolied up mermaid fish. You get a few mermaids,

05:06what? And then you go, there you go. Shut up. No, this is, isn't there like a rise in people

05:13who

05:13are making like online content as mer people and they put on these like latex sort of thin tubes

05:20and swim in the water? Yeah. Bang on, Hayley. Yeah. I like that you didn't yuck their yum.

05:25New viral trend, taking the world by storm. It's mermaiding where people put on fish tails

05:29and film themselves flopping around doing the full Ariel impersonation. And you know what,

05:34I actually get it. Do you? Yeah, I can relate to the mer community. Because one time I accidentally

05:38put both legs into the same hole in my wetsuit. Yeah. And initially I was like, this is really

05:43uncomfortable. Then you get in the water and it's like, I see why you do it now. That's my problem

05:51with the whole, because I'd love to be a mermaid, but finding shells big enough for these bad boys

05:54are real. Like, I mean, sure, like, yeah, your scallops are a waste of time. Powers have no support

05:59whatsoever. And just a tip guys, if you are getting into the mermaid community, it's worth taking the

06:04time and spending the money to get your shell bra fitted properly. Yeah. I've been a mermaid before.

06:10My kids will, um, on the beach, they make me lie down and they cover you in sand and make

06:14a tail

06:14and they build sort of sand boobies and they're like, can we break down the sandcastle now, daddy?

06:18And I'm always like, not just you. Didn't they start as the sirens on the rocks that would lure sailors

06:25to their death? Isn't that where the mermaids would sing? Yeah, they'd sing you a song. Yes. Yeah.

06:29Sirens. Sirens. Yeah. And I think in real life, they were just sex deprived sailors who would see

06:34a manatee and be like, you know what, I might give it a go. Yeah. It would be gutted, wouldn't

06:39you,

06:40if you ended up, like, you've spent all this time learning how to swim underwater and then suddenly you get

06:43fished up

06:44and you just end up in some guy's Tinder profile pic like, check out this giant mermaid I've walked in.

06:49Yeah. I've actually been mermaiding. You've been mermaiding?

06:54Yeah. Well, I took my top off at the fish market, but I still made the news. No, I haven't.

07:01No, when I was younger, I made a tail from some plastic from para rubber and some flippers,

07:05because I saw on 60 Minutes these girls that said they had tails and they said you could swim fast,

07:11as fast as a dolphin. Whoa. Yeah. No, I couldn't swim that fast, but I do try and have sex

07:17with tourists at the beach a lot. Okay. I've tried going the other way, like just having fish

07:22up top and just fully nude downstairs. Yeah. But the police don't like that either.

07:27No. It doesn't matter if you get a fresh dolphin scalp and put it on your head,

07:31you're not allowed to have it out. All right, good round of newsmakers. We go to the scores now.

07:36Team one, you can have 576. That's how many days new AB's head coach Dave Rennie has to sort the

07:42team

07:42now pre-World Cup. Lol. Jokes. Actually, 575. Clock is ticking, Dave. Congratulations on the job.

07:47Team two, you can have 20. That's the number of writers hired for the UK version of Saturday Night Live.

07:53One, and while I mention it, being our very own Joseph Moore from Seven Days. Well done, Joseph.

08:00If you need a host or anything, you've got my number. I mean, you don't return my calls,

08:05but you've got my number. Pretty sure you've got, I gave you my number. Anyway, 384,000 beats 20.

08:09The star for newsmakers goes to team one. Oh, good stuff. But hey, Corby, I hear you ask.

08:18What's the point of the stars? Well, the most stars at the end of the show wins a highly sought

08:23after prize ripped straight from the headlines. And here it is. Yeah, check that out. Now you can

08:28be a mermaid too. Your very own DIY mermaid kit slides smoothly and effortlessly into your shiny,

08:35shimmery new fishtail made 100% from the finest scales from proven sustainable sources. The saw,

08:41of course, for hacking off your now useless legs. Won't need them anymore. Pro tip, measure twice,

08:46cut once. Time to move on. I've got an incredible mystery guest hiding behind this wall, itching to

08:52get into a round of Guess Who. Game's pretty simple. We track down a local hero, steal them away from

08:57their

08:57cushy lifestyle, stuff them into a smelly sack, and then they have to answer yes or no questions from the

09:02comedians until someone guesses their identity. Pretty simple. Please clap and cheer for our

09:06Guest Who guests.

09:10This way. I'm going to jump behind you now and I'll guide you in.

09:15There you are. That's perfect.

09:17All right.

09:20Your job is a straightforward guest. Just answer yes or no. Teams, you get a no. It goes to the

09:24other team. Team one, you can start.

09:26Guest, does the story you're involved with involve sport?

09:31Yes.

09:32Ooh. Great question. Are you the person when I was at the pub the other day and I went to

09:36the toilet

09:37and you came out of the toilet and you said, oh, don't worry, the flush doesn't work. I'm not just

09:41an

09:41animal. But then, you left without washing your hands.

09:46Oh.

09:48No.

09:49No. That is not.

09:49Wait, so involved in sport? Have they just got back from Italy?

09:53Oh, yeah.

09:54Speak in Italian.

09:56Yeah, uh,

09:56Jemma Peltoli.

09:58No, that's me.

09:59Emma, you recently have been in Italy.

10:02Perfect.

10:03No.

10:04No.

10:04Ooh.

10:05It's a no. Team one.

10:06Okay, so not Winter Olympics, but sport. I've seen a lot of social meds, sock med recently.

10:12Go on.

10:13About our, um, football ferns.

10:16Oh, yes.

10:17Oh, yes.

10:18Do you play soccer slash football?

10:21No.

10:22Idiot!

10:22You're an idiot!

10:23I am an idiot.

10:24I'm sorry, man.

10:25Team two.

10:25Other than the, um, noted sport of marching, sport's not really my area of expertise.

10:32But Tony, you spend a lot of time, you do some commentating?

10:34Yeah, well, I was wondering when you were talking about the Winter Olympics, but I wonder,

10:39have you gone to an Olympics?

10:41Yes.

10:41Ooh.

10:42This is big.

10:43And I'm out.

10:45Did you win a medal at that Olympics?

10:48Yes.

10:48Ooh.

10:49Rugby.

10:50Rugby.

10:50And was it a, was it a gold medal?

10:53Yes.

10:53Rugby.

10:54Go.

10:54Please.

10:55Have you run a Women's Rugby World Cup?

10:58Yes.

10:58Have you recently retired?

11:01Yes.

11:02Are you Portia Wood?

11:03Yes!

11:05Oh!

11:07Thank you so much.

11:11Welcome to the show.

11:13All right.

11:16This is amazing.

11:19See, it's amazing.

11:21Absolutely right.

11:22Well done, Tony.

11:23You are the best.

11:24Like, literally, the rugby coach of both...

11:28She's the highest try scorer out of anyone in New Zealand's history.

11:33That's amazing.

11:34Didn't you one time score, like, eight tries in a game?

11:36Yeah.

11:37Wow, great.

11:38Did your coach, when you were young, never take you to pass?

11:40Reading much, literally.

11:42I can't pass, so I just got to run.

11:46So you've just announced your retirement?

11:48Yes, again.

11:48For reals this time?

11:49For reals this time.

11:50Because that was number two.

11:51I want to go back.

11:53Really quickly, call me.

11:54Yeah, go.

11:54No, you go.

11:55It's as nice as someone who knows when to retire.

11:57Yeah.

11:59You've got to feel your exit, you know.

12:01Oh, yeah.

12:01When time's up.

12:02Mine'll be when my heart stops.

12:04That'll be the sign.

12:06Fantastic.

12:07I want to go back to when you first went.

12:10Because you were quite a speedster from a very young age, weren't you?

12:12Yeah, I used to run track and field when I was...

12:14But, like, wasn't it even primary school?

12:16You were four years old beating the six-year-olds?

12:18Yeah.

12:19My biggest dream was just to beat the boys.

12:21So whatever age group, I just wanted to beat the boys.

12:23And your...

12:24So your dad and your uncle, ex-All Blacks, but your mum was into netball.

12:28Was she...

12:29Did she push the netball?

12:30How did...

12:30Big time.

12:31Big time wanted me to be a sofa and wanted me to have the black dress and everything.

12:35I wanted to be the next Timurputta George.

12:37Yeah, of course.

12:38Clearly you didn't listen to her because you said you can't pass.

12:40No.

12:42It's all about running.

12:43It's so nice to know that I've actually got, like, something in common with you, because

12:46I'm a big speed guy as well.

12:47Like, I took some and I love the prodigy.

12:49Yeah.

12:52When did you know it was rugby then?

12:53Because you actually...

12:54Because I think...

12:54Was it Mount Albert Grammar didn't have that as an option initially?

12:56No.

12:57When I had my interview at Mount Albert Grammar, my dean at the time was like,

13:01I hope you're one of those girls that don't play rugby, because we don't have rugby at

13:04the school.

13:04Wow.

13:06And, like every kid in New Zealand, loved rugby, but just wasn't able to play it.

13:10And netball was the career for women at that time.

13:12And then, somehow, you got into the rugby, and did you just know, all of a sudden,

13:16oh, this is the sport?

13:17Yeah, yeah.

13:17Disappoint, Mark.

13:18When it became an Olympic sport, when it was going to turn up at 2016 Olympics, I was like,

13:22oh, yeah, this is me.

13:23I get to run 100 metres, run away, run over, run through people.

13:27That was a dream for me.

13:28Amazing.

13:29Speaking of running through people, in the Rugby World Cup final at Eden Park, I was there with

13:34my son, someone tried to run through you, and you got KO'd.

13:37Yeah.

13:37And they got a red card, and that sort of led to the comeback and that famous victory.

13:43Do you think you're a bit robbed for Player of the Day for getting knocked out?

13:46Well, I feel like we won because of it, right?

13:49Yeah.

13:49Down to 14 people.

13:51Nah, it was a dream finish.

13:53Obviously, I had to sit underneath the stadium and listen to the crowd.

13:56Yeah.

13:56Was it English crowd?

13:57Is it a New Zealand crowd?

13:58That was probably the hardest part.

13:59That didn't get you out to watch?

14:01No, I wasn't allowed to.

14:02Because that was one of the greatest moments in New Zealand, rugby, the steel, the line-out

14:05steel.

14:05Yeah, the line-out, the hand, everything.

14:06From England that have been scoring regularly from that.

14:08No, I missed it all.

14:09I was underneath the stadium.

14:11Oh, wow.

14:12What's next for you?

14:13Commentary.

14:14That would be a dream.

14:15Yes, all right, yeah.

14:15So, we'd love to do some work with Sky.

14:17Yeah, look, yeah, no, proper applause.

14:22I reckon we can make that stand-up, Tommy.

14:25Sure.

14:26So, just do some commentary on this.

14:28So, I've got the ball, and I'm running.

14:30He's the defender.

14:31Just commentate this live, all right?

14:32Oh, oh!

14:33Stuff's getting real.

14:34Oh, the goosey and his hammy.

14:36He's torn his hammy.

14:37Oh, dear.

14:37We're going to have to go to break after this.

14:39Back to you, Jeremy.

14:40Great.

14:41That was lovely.

14:47Portia Woodman-Witcliffe, ladies and gentlemen.

14:48Give it up for you.

14:50Thank you so much.

14:50Thank you, Anthony.

14:52So, champion.

14:54Wow.

14:55Boom, and there it is.

14:56A star goes to team two.

14:58Well done, Tony.

14:59All right.

15:03It is time now for the Burger Fuel Brain Grill,

15:06brought to you by Burger Fuel,

15:06who are not only our sponsors,

15:08but also my best friends now.

15:09In this game, we're jumping in a time machine

15:11to check whether these comedians,

15:12who regularly forget their own pin numbers,

15:14can remember moments from the year 2003.

15:18Team one, you're up first.

15:19Here's your clip from 2003.

15:21A lot of people thought that New Zealand

15:24couldn't pull this off.

15:26Well, they were wrong.

15:28Is it New Zealand escapes being on another map for something?

15:35Was it they didn't think we could get 200,000 road cones

15:38onto the streets of Auckland?

15:42That was from the premiere of Lord of the Rings Return of the King.

15:45Won the Oscar for Best Picture.

15:47Orcs, trolls and hobbits flooded the streets of Wellington

15:49for the first screening, and that was just public servants.

15:52Stick around.

15:55Both team two and team you at home

15:57will get a chance at your very own Burger Fuel Brain Grill

15:59later in the show.

16:00We've got a cracking game at Club Topicana

16:01you won't want to miss.

16:02It's right after this break on Seven Days.

16:15Welcome back to Seven Days.

16:17Well, we are now firmly in the thongs of autumn.

16:20What better time to get firmly in your thongs of autumn

16:22for a trip to the beach?

16:23It's Club Topicana.

16:24Play the steel drum!

16:35Yes, Club Topicana is brought to you by Dole Pineapples.

16:39George Michael of Wham! sang that Club Tropicana drinks are free.

16:42Well, the drinks at Club Topicana are also free.

16:45They're also all pineapple juice.

16:46If you ask for any other type of drink,

16:48you're escorted from the beach and locked away in prison

16:49for the rest of your life.

16:50Inside this delicious Dole Pineapple,

16:52a selection of ace news stories

16:54that have me fizzing to hear more about.

16:56Let's see what made the cut this week.

16:58Yes, private schools.

16:59Private schools throughout New Zealand

17:00have seen a rise in interest from parents

17:02wanting to enrol their kids.

17:03Well, sounds pretty flash to me.

17:05Teams, I want you to show me scenes

17:07from New Zealand's richest private school.

17:14Sorry, it was a question.

17:16So the blankets that they gave the Maoris,

17:20were they at least like a high-thread count

17:22or was it like microfibre from Briscoes?

17:29Attention students, it's time to take the roll.

17:32Today's roll is an artisan ciabatta.

17:37Your choices are crayfish or caviar.

17:45Fisher?

17:49Paykel?

17:52Guthrie?

17:55Balrog?

18:00The Warehouse, are you here?

18:06You haven't been colouring inside the lines, Theodore.

18:10That's OK.

18:11We'll have the lines moved.

18:13LAUGHTER

18:14LAUGHTER

18:17Good morning, Mr. Corbett.

18:22Morning, children.

18:24Today, I bring you a tomo.

18:28You will all be issued with a tomo

18:30to do with as you please.

18:31LAUGHTER

18:32Today, he will be the globe.

18:35Turn, tomo.

18:36Turn.

18:37LAUGHTER

18:38Turn, or I will whip your Venezuela.

18:44LAUGHTER

18:46LAUGHTER

18:47LAUGHTER

18:48LAUGHTER

18:49Yeah, we do have a zero-tolerance approach

18:51to bullying.

18:52LAUGHTER

18:55No, no, no, I mean it, I mean it.

18:56The girls don't play any mind games.

18:59LAUGHTER

19:01LAUGHTER

19:05LAUGHTER

19:06I've got a substitute teacher today.

19:09We should totally prank her.

19:10Yeah, I reckon we should get her KiwiSaver

19:12and change her from a growth fund to a conservative fund.

19:16LAUGHTER

19:17She's going to lose thousands.

19:20LAUGHTER

19:26Today, there will be a note going home to all parents

19:29about school pick-up time.

19:32Oh, my dear, that when picking up your children

19:35from the marina...

19:37LAUGHTER

19:38..in your jet ski,

19:40please accelerate accordingly

19:42because there has been a lot of wash

19:44onto the teacher's yacht.

19:46LAUGHTER

19:47LAUGHTER

19:48All right, back to the pineapple for our next story.

19:51Ah, all right, OK.

19:52Yeah, this week, Air New Zealand pilots

19:54Alice and Sarah McElroy

19:55flew together for the first time.

19:56Quite a feat, as they are mother and daughter.

19:59Very cool.

19:59Working with your family can be stressful

20:01at the best of times, let alone at 38,000 feet.

20:03I'd like you to show me, team,

20:05some other examples of working with your mum, please.

20:09Oh, darling, darling, join me in the lunchroom.

20:12Oh, is that what you're having?

20:14Mm-hmm.

20:14So you've just given up on the diet, have you?

20:17LAUGHTER

20:18LAUGHTER

20:20LAUGHTER

20:21Ah...

20:21I don't want to file the quarterly report, Mum.

20:25Oh, I did my KPIs already, uh...

20:28LAUGHTER

20:30LAUGHTER

20:34She's making me work before I'm even born.

20:37LAUGHTER

20:39She's not even cutting me in on her feet.

20:41Shush, look, play nice,

20:42and I'll give you a little sip of wine later.

20:44LAUGHTER

20:45Ooh!

20:46It kicked.

20:47OK, a sip of wine and a cigarette.

20:49LAUGHTER

20:51LAUGHTER

20:52Oh, darling, what did you think of my presentation?

20:55Oh, you didn't like it?

20:56OK, well, I'll just say nothing then.

20:57Oh, just say nothing?

20:58No, I'll just sit here and I'll say, no, here's us a bit, I have an opinion.

21:01LAUGHTER

21:04LAUGHTER

21:07LAUGHTER

21:07All right, everyone get ready.

21:10And...

21:10Ooh.

21:11Oh, Mum.

21:12Ooh, I don't think we should be working on the same adult film.

21:16LAUGHTER

21:19LAUGHTER

21:20LAUGHTER

21:23LAUGHTER

21:23As long as you don't look at each other...

21:24It's actually an incredibly popular category.

21:27LAUGHTER

21:31OK.

21:32A charity in Whangarei has banded together

21:34and purchased the Kamo Wildlife Sanctuary

21:36so the lions who live there can remain in the peaceful tranquillity

21:39that is suburban Whangarei.

21:40Imagine heading along to day one of bossing those big cats around.

21:43I'd like to see that.

21:45Give me some scenes from the first day owning a lion park, please.

21:55LAUGHTER

22:01Thank you, that's all I wanted.

22:03LAUGHTER

22:04Kill the rest.

22:06LAUGHTER

22:08LAUGHTER

22:10Well, welcome, everybody.

22:11This is our first school group today, so everyone here is very excited.

22:14I had an interesting question before from the little boy

22:17who's been talking all morning and not listening.

22:19LAUGHTER

22:20He said, can you ride the lions?

22:22Let's find out.

22:24LAUGHTER

22:25LAUGHTER

22:27Welcome to the lion park, where it's Pride Month every month.

22:32LAUGHTER

22:34LAUGHTER

22:34Simba, everything the light touches...

22:38..is actually owned by the bank.

22:40LAUGHTER

22:42LAUGHTER

22:44OK, like, what, like, what if, though, what if I just open the gate?

22:50LAUGHTER

22:50Like, bleh, you know what I mean?

22:53BLEH!

22:54Because I kind of only wanted the land for townhouses.

22:58LAUGHTER

23:00Hi, yeah, it's me, the new owner.

23:02I just, I know you said the keepers are here to feed the lions,

23:06but what do I do now that I'm out of keepers?

23:09LAUGHTER

23:10LAUGHTER

23:14Well, welcome, everybody.

23:15It's pretty early in the morning, so the lions might not be up.

23:18In fact, they might be having a...

23:20..lie-in.

23:22LAUGHTER

23:24LAUGHTER

23:24That's my main joke.

23:27LAUGHTER

23:28LAUGHTER

23:28We'll go to the next story from the pineapple.

23:32There was chaos at the marathon in Atlanta, Georgia this week

23:35when the race leaders were sent the wrong way,

23:37throwing the whole thing into disarray.

23:39I've never done a marathon, never will,

23:40a bit too much running for me.

23:42But take us there, teams.

23:43Give us some examples of unlikely things to hear at a marathon, please.

23:49No, no Band-Aids on the nipples for me.

23:52I like the way it feels.

23:54LAUGHTER

23:56LAUGHTER

24:00And the runners are off,

24:01and to make it extra interesting this year,

24:02we've added a little something special.

24:05Release the dogs.

24:07LAUGHTER

24:11Oh, I think I just passed another Kenyan.

24:15LAUGHTER

24:17LAUGHTER

24:22Do you know what's really helping my pace?

24:24These tits.

24:26LAUGHTER

24:27Me too.

24:28Do you know what's really helping me run?

24:30Those tits.

24:32LAUGHTER

24:40Hot gravy?

24:42LAUGHTER

24:43Hot gravy!

24:44Get your hot gravy!

24:45Hot gravy!

24:46Throw it on your face!

24:48Hot gravy for your face!

24:50LAUGHTER

24:52A waste of time!

24:54All right, that is it.

24:56The flags have been stolen by those mermaid hussies.

24:58Beach is closed.

24:59Swim back to your discs.

25:00Play those steel drums.

25:02CHEERING

25:03Come on, everybody.

25:06Come on, everybody.

25:09Come on, everybody.

25:10Come on, everybody.

25:12Ah, all right, well, after that, the scores.

25:15Team one, you can have the kilometres I'm going to walk in April.

25:18200 kilometres is to raise money for the Malligan Institute

25:21so we can do car tea therapy to cure cancer right here in New Zealand.

25:25Sponsor me.

25:25Google Go the Distance

25:27and maybe add the word cancer to narrow it down.

25:29All right.

25:30That's what you get, 200.

25:31Now, team two, you get 384,400 kilometres to the moon.

25:34Hope you enjoy the blood moon on Tuesday.

25:36Thanks to the lunar eclipse, team two gets the star.

25:40CHEERING

25:43Team two, you get your chance to melt your mind

25:45with your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.

25:48I'll show you a clip from our year of the Lord, 2003.

25:51You simply tell me where it is from.

25:53Have a look at this.

25:54OK.

25:54Well, it's beautiful, anyway.

25:57It's something to be very proud of, that we've achieved that.

26:00And nobody's done anything better since...

26:02This is my mum talking about my older brother.

26:06LAUGHTER

26:09All right, yes, that was actually taken at Heathrow Airport in London in 2003.

26:13Final flight of the Concorde.

26:15Supersonic plane that can fly Mark 2, 2,000 kilometres per hour.

26:18Do Wellington to Auckland in just under 30 minutes.

26:20But why would you want to go to Wellington?

26:22All right, your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill

26:24is approaching faster than Concorde.

26:26Stay tuned for that.

26:27And also, after the break, we're playing History.

26:29See you soon.

26:30CHEERING

26:36CHEERING

26:38CHEERING

26:41CHEERING

26:42Nau mai, hukibai.

26:43Welcome back to Seven Days.

26:45This week, Split Ends reunited.

26:46What better way to celebrate Split Ends than by proving them wrong

26:49and showing that history does, in fact, repeat with a game of history.

26:53In this game, I put four punters on parade,

26:55one of whom is a famous face from New Zealand's past.

26:58Let's see what we're serving up tonight.

27:00She's become our most successful table tennis player,

27:03winning national champs, a Commonwealth gold,

27:06and coaching hundreds of up-and-comers at her local club.

27:15The way she stayed in that point points for the New Zealander,

27:21Lee Chun-Li.

27:27What a way to finish it.

27:29There's a glorious victory for the 40-year-old Lee Chun-Li.

27:33Representing New Zealand, Lee Chun-Li.

27:36Lee Chun-Li, a very, very happy winner.

27:4240-year-old who's represented New Zealand for a long, long time.

27:46One of the people in our line-up this evening

27:48is New Zealand's most successful ever,

27:50table tennis player Chun-Li,

27:52who won a gold, a silver and two bronze medals

27:54from the 2002 Commonwealth Games.

27:56Joining Chun-Li is a typographer, a Latin dancer

27:59and a salesperson, team two.

28:02You can go first.

28:04Try and identify Chun-Li.

28:05Well done to all of you.

28:07Can I just ask all four of you just to go like this,

28:09as if you were typing?

28:11You can just go like this with the fingers.

28:13Look, two's got the bubble, the curl.

28:15Number one's clueless.

28:15I don't think it's a typographer.

28:19What's a typographer?

28:21I think the typographer is someone who types.

28:23A typist.

28:24It's in the f***ing name.

28:26No, they choose your font and all the rest of it.

28:28The typographer.

28:29I am aware.

28:31I reckon we could get the dancer to sort of light up.

28:35So if I say ten, just say ten.

28:37Sure, sure.

28:37Okay, judges.

28:38All right.

28:38Ten!

28:39Ten!

28:40Number four, back time.

28:42For me, I have such a drawing towards number four

28:46being our table tennis player.

28:50It's literally she's wearing the sportiest outfit.

28:52Yeah, that's true.

28:53She does have some Lululemon on, potentially.

28:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.

28:55It's giving big Lululemon.

28:57I mean, number two is wearing very jazzy shoes.

29:00I would say, like, very nimble shoes that she can move in quickly.

29:03You know, like salsa around the room.

29:05Number one's eyes are really selling me like a house.

29:09Yeah.

29:09And I want to buy it.

29:10I can imagine her face on the side of a car.

29:13Yes!

29:13Yeah, I think number one's a salesperson.

29:15Like this, yeah.

29:16So, are we...

29:17Okay, I think we're going to say number one is our salesperson.

29:20Okay.

29:21Number two is our dancer.

29:24Dancer, yeah.

29:25Number three is our typographer.

29:27And number four is our table tennis champion.

29:30Are you happy?

29:30Traditionally is number four.

29:32All right, team one, your turn.

29:34Okay, Jeremy, first of all, did you say one of them is a Latin dancer?

29:37Yes.

29:38Okay, I'm going to do a little bit of a cha-cha noise.

29:41And I want each of you to interpret that in a Latin dance.

29:45Are you ready?

29:50I don't think you can make them dance.

29:52This is crazy.

29:54Wait, I'll get the Latin dancer.

29:56Are you ready?

29:58In domini laude no...

30:02Good, good.

30:04Okay, two's got pretty good rhythm.

30:06Can we get each of you, or maybe all together,

30:09to do the motion of a table tennis serve, your best serve?

30:13On three, one, two, three.

30:15And serve?

30:16Oh, you've got to be quicker than that.

30:19I don't know.

30:20Either they're all shit,

30:23or one of them is throwing us off the scent.

30:26Yeah, I reckon it's three.

30:29Yeah, I think three, too.

30:30I think three would probably have a penhold grip

30:33as opposed to a C Miller.

30:35Oh, four!

30:36Four!

30:36I don't want to go on it, but I've played a bit of table tennis before.

30:39So you think it could be four?

30:40Four, the little...

30:41Did you say something else?

30:43What do you say?

30:43I think it's three.

30:44Okay, fine.

30:45Okay.

30:46Fine.

30:46Let's say three.

30:47Let's just...

30:48Look.

30:48Let's just do what you want.

30:49Okay.

30:50I think four is our typographer.

30:52Mm-hmm.

30:53I think one is our salesperson.

30:55Mm-hmm.

30:55And I think two is our Latin dancer.

30:57Okay.

30:57What about what me and Tom, I think?

30:59As I said, just repeat what I said.

31:01Okay.

31:02All right.

31:03So, team one, you think Chun-Li is number three.

31:06Team two, you think Chun-Li is number four.

31:08Can I ask our most successful table tennis player ever, Chun-Li Lee, to step forward, please?

31:15Oh!

31:17Yeah!

31:18Get up!

31:26Thank you so much for joining us.

31:29Take me back.

31:30When did you first pick up a racket, a paddle, a bat?

31:34You got it, Jeremy.

31:35Great research, cool.

31:36Yeah, great, yeah.

31:37Nailed it.

31:38What do you call it in table tennis?

31:40Racket.

31:41Oh!

31:41When did you first pick up a racket?

31:44Um, about eight or nine years old.

31:47Eight or nine years old?

31:48At a school.

31:49Did you play tennis first before you inserted the table?

31:53I played tennis sometimes.

31:55Yeah.

31:56Sometimes.

31:57Do you ever play the same game?

31:58Like, you get the table, but you put, like, cups on the table, and then you throw it up.

32:03Ping pong ball.

32:04And then you go, boofka.

32:06Do you do that?

32:07Are you really good at that?

32:08We're not allowed to do that.

32:11You won the medals at the Commonwealth Games.

32:14You went to four Olympics, I believe.

32:16Yes.

32:17Four Olympics.

32:17And then you actually came out of retirement, was it last year?

32:21Two years ago.

32:22I replayed two years ago.

32:24Two years ago.

32:24Yeah.

32:25You're with all these people who don't know when to retire.

32:29What do you do with the medal now?

32:31Obviously, a gold medal from the Commonwealth Games.

32:33Like, does it sit above the fireplace?

32:34Or do you, like, wear it around the house?

32:36Leave it to my mother.

32:39Oh.

32:40Chun-Li, can I ask something of you?

32:42Tomo's been talking a big game.

32:44Big game.

32:44He reckons he can beat you at table tennis.

32:47You've never been beaten in New Zealand, have you?

32:49Would you be prepared to take on Tomo in a quick game?

32:53Yeah.

32:53Yeah!

32:59I didn't know there was going to be a table here.

33:07Before we go to that, can I ask our typographer to step forward, please?

33:12At number four.

33:13Well done.

33:16Who is our Latin dancer?

33:18Latin dancer.

33:19There it is.

33:20And our salesperson, if you'd like to step forward as well.

33:24Fantastic stuff.

33:25That means team one gets the start.

33:27Congratulations.

33:30Commonwealth Games gold medalist Chun-Li up against Timaru High School.

33:35Top five, were you?

33:37We didn't even play at a school.

33:39I'm not at my prime.

33:40I'm not at my prime.

33:41I've hurt my shoulder, like, lifting some mungalorn.

33:43She should have to play with the big ping-pong ball on her head.

33:45Okay.

33:46Okay.

33:46Fine.

33:47Here we go.

33:49Okay.

33:51Okay.

33:52Okay.

33:53Okay.

33:55Okay.

33:55One mil.

33:56Okay.

33:57So you're doing the pen hold grip.

33:59Okay.

33:59Fine.

33:59Okay.

34:00Here we go.

34:01Here we go.

34:04Don't remember this bit.

34:05No, you don't know.

34:07Oh.

34:09Oh.

34:11Two now.

34:12These balls are from, like, Kmart.

34:14They're out of here.

34:14Okay.

34:16Okay.

34:17Okay.

34:17How are you?

34:18What are you?

34:19Okay.

34:22Oh!

34:24Oh!

34:25Oh!

34:26Ice!

34:27Ice!

34:29Ice!

34:30Ice!

34:32There you go.

34:33It was down the same side.

34:35I think she's being nice.

34:39Come on!

34:40There we go.

34:41That's it.

34:41The game is over.

34:42Tono, you were beaten.

34:43Chun-Li is our champion.

34:54We're going to take a break while Josh picks up all those balls, tries to get his breath

34:59and his dignity back.

35:00This isn't the last we've seen at this table, tennis table, because coming up is Jeremy's

35:04special game.

35:06Alright, we'll see you soon.

35:19Welcome back to Seven Days, all of you in Aotearoa.

35:22It's time to whip out your balls and make quite a racket with a round of Jeremy's special game.

35:25This week, my special game is Ping Pong the News.

35:28In this round, a player from each team will go head-to-head in a high-stakes table tennis

35:33match, during which they must answer my topical trivia questions.

35:36Most correct answers after we've summed up all the games will win and that team will

35:41get the star.

35:41Got it?

35:42Really doesn't matter.

35:43We're going to play it anyway.

35:44Alright, Paul and Hayley, you're first up.

35:45Grab your rackets.

35:46Grab your balls.

35:47Here we go.

35:48Yeah!

35:50Yeah!

35:51Yeah!

35:54So Paul is serving.

35:5545 seconds on the clock.

35:56You want to get the questions right, but you also want to win the table tennis.

35:59Okay.

35:59I'm going to get my dinger just to make sure you know when the game is over.

36:02Alright, here we go.

36:03Are you ready?

36:04Yep.

36:04Start playing.

36:05Which iconic New Zealand band reunited at Electric Avenue this week?

36:08Yes.

36:08What happens to the hair when the cuticle is damaged leaving the inner to dry out and

36:12unravel?

36:13It curls!

36:14Nope.

36:15It's the same as the first question.

36:16Split ends.

36:17The Warriors opened their season this weekend.

36:19Where is their home ground?

36:20Mount Smart.

36:21Mount Smart.

36:21Go Media, Mount Smart.

36:22Correct.

36:22Which former Prime Minister was spotted house hunting in Sydney?

36:25Jacinda Ardern.

36:26What city has a new fault line discovered under this week?

36:28Hamilton.

36:29No.

36:29I can't hear you, Corby!

36:31What city has a new fault line discovered under it this week?

36:33Wellington.

36:34No.

36:35Auckland.

36:36Yes, correct.

36:36Hayley gets one.

36:38The New Zealand Open was last weekend.

36:40If one under is a birdie, what's one over?

36:42A chookie.

36:44Bogey.

36:44Correct.

36:45Paul gets correct.

36:45When was the most recent blood moon?

36:47Last night!

36:48Not on Wednesday!

36:50Tuesday!

36:51Tuesday!

36:52Tuesday!

36:53That is it.

36:53It was Tuesday.

36:56Oh my god.

36:58Oh my god.

36:59Wow.

37:00You're really good.

37:01You're really good.

37:02Really good.

37:03Yeah.

37:04My scores...

37:05Good game.

37:06Good game.

37:07By my measure, Paul got five and Hayley you got two.

37:10So the scores do accumulate though.

37:13Next two up.

37:14Becky and Lisa.

37:15Come on Becky.

37:16Come on Becky.

37:18Come on Becky.

37:19Come on Becky.

37:19This is a Bears two on one.

37:24Get it.

37:2445 seconds.

37:26Go.

37:26What New Zealand snack was King Charles recently seen with?

37:29The snack.

37:30No.

37:31Chocolate slab.

37:32No.

37:34Wow.

37:34No hitting the host.

37:35What are you doing?

37:37F1 start...

37:38Jesus.

37:39What are you doing?

37:39You've got to add it to me.

37:40F1 starts this weekend in Melbourne.

37:42What does the F stand for in F1?

37:44Football.

37:45Formula.

37:45No.

37:46Yes formula.

37:46Correct.

37:47One for you.

37:47Saturday was the last day of summer.

37:48She hit my baby.

37:49What season are we in now?

37:51What did you say?

37:53Saturday was the last day of summer.

37:54What season are we in now?

37:55Autumn.

37:56Autumn is correct.

37:57That is two for you.

37:58We move on.

37:58Jim Carrey was accused of wearing a mask this week.

38:00Nothing real.

38:01In which movie does he famously wear a mask?

38:02Oh the mask.

38:03The mask.

38:04Recent reports about health star ratings came out this week.

38:06Which rating is better for you?

38:07One star or five star?

38:08Five star.

38:09Five is correct.

38:10That is time.

38:11Wow.

38:12Lisa.

38:18That is fantastic.

38:19Becky you can sit down.

38:21Tomo and Tony you are up.

38:23Now at the stage.

38:24Oh yeah.

38:26You can do it too man.

38:31Before we start, I just want to say, Corby, great game man.

38:35You don't need to battle me up because at this stage I have team one on five and team

38:40two on six.

38:41So you are leading by one point.

38:43Okay, 45 seconds.

38:44I know what that means.

38:45Three, two, one, go.

38:47The town of Pairo is the home of Antiques.

38:48What else is it known for?

38:49Alan Peas.

38:50Who climbed the Empire State Building?

38:51King Kong.

38:52Yes.

38:53Well done.

38:54What is the currency of Vietnam?

38:56Dong?

38:56Yes.

38:57Dang it.

38:58What sport are you currently playing?

38:59Pig Kong.

39:00Correct.

39:01Tauranga council received 34 complaints about poo from which flying animal?

39:05A duck.

39:06No.

39:07It's a small one.

39:08A human?

39:08Bat.

39:09Cow?

39:10No.

39:11It's bees.

39:11I'm going to move on.

39:12A couple are in custody after crashing a stolen Watt and two or three in Hastings.

39:15Uh, motorbike.

39:17Motorbike.

39:18Lime scooter.

39:19Sex wagon.

39:20No, no, no.

39:21A dog.

39:22A father and son couple bikes around the world say which country's drivers are the most

39:25aggro?

39:25New Zealand.

39:26Correct.

39:26What is the term?

39:27Opportunity.

39:28Shop-a-tunity often shortened to.

39:30That is time.

39:31Thank goodness because I don't think the table can take it anywhere else.

39:42It looks to stay calm.

39:44Team one, you got five.

39:46Team two, you got eleven.

39:46Team two gets the stun.

39:50I've got a sore shoulder.

39:53Okay.

39:54Alright.

39:54Uh, it's your turn at home now to fire up your brains for the burger fuel brain grill.

39:58Take a look at this image.

39:59It is from 2003.

40:01Have a look at that.

40:02What is going on in that image?

40:04Uh, have a look on our Facebook or Instagram pages.

40:06Send in your funniest answer you could win thanks to burger fuel.

40:09You do that.

40:10We'll prepare for a game of Caption That.

40:11Don't miss it.

40:12See you soon on Seven Days.

40:14Oh, this is Seven Days.

40:26Welcome back.

40:27I hope it's the show you're meant to watch.

40:28It's the final part of the show we're playing now.

40:30Caption That for the first time in ages.

40:31Can't wait.

40:32Teams, I will show you a picture from the last seven days.

40:34All you need to do is caption it for me.

40:36Pretty simple.

40:37Paul, you're simple.

40:38You can start.

40:40Um, is this what happens inside my boyfriend's brain when I ask him, what are you thinking?

40:46Is this, um, trying to find your kid after the school trip to Motat?

40:51Is this just some of the people Tomo hasn't beaten in table tennis?

40:58Oh, that's me in the middle immediately after becoming single last year.

41:05I see my milkshake has brought all the boys to the house.

41:09Is this when you open the door to Corbett's basement?

41:13Yeah.

41:14Sunlight!

41:15Sunlight!

41:16Sunlight, please!

41:16Please!

41:17Please!

41:18My scrape of water, sir!

41:21Is this Tomo sheets under the microscope?

41:24Oh!

41:25Oh!

41:26Oh!

41:27Oh!

41:27Please!

41:27Sunlight soap again!

41:29Please!

41:30Sunlight soap again!

41:32That is a small snapshot.

41:34A small portion of the approximately 10,000 men in loincloths trying to snatch a lucky wooden

41:39stick during the EO Naked Festival in Okiyama in Japan.

41:44Oh!

41:44Must go.

41:44That's worse than what we were saying.

41:47Back to you, team one.

41:48What's the caption for this picture?

41:49Oh!

41:50Oh, yeah.

41:52Scientists attempt to grow a new Trump.

41:57Lab workers at Ozempic asked people to stop sending the fat you've lost back to us.

42:03Brad just couldn't work out what went wrong with his first pavlova.

42:09Is this transplant doctors looking at my liver after I ticked non-drinker on my donor phone?

42:16I think it's what comes out of your baby's car seat any time you tip it up.

42:20Yeah.

42:21That's horrific.

42:22Two young first home buyers are shown what they actually can afford.

42:28The real caption there.

42:29Trainees produce various rubber compounds at the Continental Rubber Plant in Korbach,

42:33which is in Germany.

42:34Team two, your turn now.

42:36Caption this.

42:37Oh, that's my boyfriend when he tells me to back dad ass up.

42:43Man's friends don't want to tell him that when they advertise donkey rides...

42:51Um, is it, ninja donkey attacks man?

42:56Is it, despite being the only donkey in the group, Geoff insisted on playing Mary in the Nativity?

43:03LAUGHTER

43:07The real caption is,

43:08An Afghan athlete carries a donkey on his shoulders to show his strength.

43:12And we are impressed.

43:13Both teams, you did great captioning, but for points, let's give team one $334,800.

43:19The prize Daniel Hillier earned for winning the New Zealand Golf Open in Queenstown.

43:23He also got married eight days earlier, so it's cool to play golf on your honeymoon.

43:28What do you mean?

43:29All right, team two, we're going to stick with golf.

43:32You can have the score.

43:33Stuart Duff shot at Hastings Golf Course last week.

43:35He shot a 62, which is a great score, but notable because he is 63.

43:40Which means he achieved a rare feat of golfing by beating his age on the scorecard.

43:45Congratulations, Stuart.

43:46Congratulations.

43:47Team one, you get the stars.

43:50APPLAUSE

43:51Then we have a winner.

43:53And that means if we look at the star chart, the overall winner for the night is both teams.

43:58It's a draw.

43:59What a waste of time.

44:01What a waste of time.

44:03You can have this to the first week.

44:05You have the sore.

44:06You can have the bottom.

44:09Enjoy your new lives as mermaids and mermens.

44:13Like you all know, Evil Octopus Queen steal your voice.

44:16All right, that just leads me to thank you so much for watching.

44:18And please join me in thanking Paul, Becky, Josh, Hayley, Lisa and Clean Tony.

44:22We'll see you in seven days on Seven Days.

44:29Thank you, New Zealand On Air.

44:30Thanks to you, I can afford two nights at a campsite.

44:35Imagine me camping.

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