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Taskmaster - S17E03 - Some Impropriety [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
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00:02Oh
00:35Oh
00:39Or as my nan calls it yeah being as she is long since dead
00:46Comedians hurtling ever faster towards a total loss of credibility. So please give them an uplifting cheer as we welcome
00:53back
01:08Oh
01:09A man who confided in me that he finds his neighbor's wife hot as hell and twice as spicy
01:18Specifically the neighbors to the left if you're looking at the house from the road
01:31She's nice she said they watch the show yep you said you like it when she puts the washing out
01:39Hi, Greg
01:40Great great actually now you thinking about her no packing those
01:46Packing those sheets up
01:48Anyway, I've got some statistics for you. Yeah from the channel about how people watch the show. This is interesting
01:53Okay, 20% of people apparently now watch it on a device like a mobile reducer. We've got six
02:0064% of people most people projected onto a large bit large building into it in a town
02:06Normally a big hall and the other 16% traditional flat-screen TV still right on the floor and looking
02:13down there and dancing around it with some music on that's
02:16Statistics about the show. Okay. Yep. That was my bit. All right. We're off to an absolute buzzing start
02:23All right, what's the prize category this week Alex? It's the best thing for a person that is meant for
02:29an animal
02:30Okay, Greg will give the best thing five points and Greg will give the worst thing one point John starting
02:36with you
02:36Well, I wanted to get something that was fitting of a man of your standing and stature
02:41Lovely, so I have brought an elephant chair. Yes here it is. It's called a howdah
02:51actually like it though
02:54It's meant for an elephant's back and you would sit on it on long journeys in the past. However, sorry.
03:01Yeah. Oh, I see
03:04I mean, I genuinely did imagine an elephant with a bad back sitting
03:10However, they are
03:12Quite cruel to be used on elephants. They're damaging to their skin and their back. So by taking one off
03:19the open market
03:20I feel we're all doing a little bit of good today. Wow. So if I give this five points, I'm
03:25taking one for the elephant team
03:27Big time big time. You're sending out a message. You're welcome big ears
03:33Nick what have you brought in you know when a pet is ill yeah, and you give it one of
03:37those cones
03:37Just say one of those I just think one of those for a human if you had like an itch
03:43or something you could wear one on your
03:45hand to prevent you from
03:47Itching. Shall I show you his cone that he's brought in? Thank you. I mean you can if you want,
03:51but I already know
03:51I already know how many points it's getting. I already regress it, Greg. Here's the cone. I'm not going to
03:57be a surprise, but there you go
04:00Well, cheers Nick. Thank you. It's pretty bad
04:06Steve
04:07It's a scratching brush
04:09Here is your scratching brush
04:11Now this promotes skin health
04:14Gets rid of parasites and
04:17I was imagining you in the shower
04:19Were you?
04:21Yes
04:22Before the task was set?
04:23Yeah
04:25You've got one of these attached to your towel rail
04:27Yes
04:28And yeah, you go up and down on that
04:30And give yourself a good scratch
04:33You've imagined that I have some
04:36Difficult skin to slew off, have you?
04:39No, it's skin health
04:40It's an impressive load of bullshit for a brush
04:44Joanne
04:45Yes
04:45Can you beat a brush? Yes, you can
04:47The present I've brought you this week, Greg, is a trough
04:54Here is Joanne's trough
04:56Meant for an animal, but better for a human
05:00Yes
05:01It's both insulting and yet appeals
05:05Keep talking
05:06People are going back to the earth building their own vegetable patches
05:09I feel the trough is next
05:10Is it?
05:12You're imagining trough parties, are you?
05:15Yeah
05:15It's all very Bear Grylls survival
05:17Is it?
05:18Yeah
05:19It's very...
05:21You know fans, they love making their own ham
05:23This is...
05:24I feel like...
05:26This is what's next
05:27It'll be like...
05:28We can often make our own ham
05:28They're always making our own ham
05:30It's all...
05:31They're all going back to the land with the moustaches
05:33And eating off the ham hock and all
05:34And I feel like this is next
05:39Sophie, come on
05:40I've gone in a different direction
05:42Thank God
05:44Well, I've got a pet feeder
05:47Yes, one of these timed cat feeders
05:49Timed cat feeder
05:51Oh, yeah
05:51I thought it could be quite good for you
05:53For me?
05:55Just a little bit of discipline and structure in your mind
06:00I mean, basically what you're saying in that prize is you're saying
06:03I think you're fat
06:05I was worried about fat shaming
06:07Yeah
06:08I did ask the producer
06:09They said, no, no, it'll be fine
06:11He needs to hear it
06:21Well
06:21I'll hand out some points
06:24OK, you're going to start with the...
06:25With Nick, correct
06:26Right
06:27So Nick gets one point
06:28Steve, sorry, two points
06:30There we go, OK
06:31I don't want Sophie to be in control of when I can have a treat
06:34LAUGHTER
06:35Are you sure?
06:36I'm pretty sure, so I'm giving her three points
06:38OK, three to you, Sophie
06:39It's something about these young lads
06:41Munching on the ham hocks
06:44Jan, four points
06:46And I just want the elephant chair, so...
06:48Fair enough, five points to John Robbins
06:50APPLAUSE
06:54Let's have a task proper, shall we?
06:56I don't want to alarm you, Greg
06:57But there's something mysterious lurking in our tent
07:00GASP
07:00GASP
07:01GASP
07:02GASP
07:03GASP
07:04GASP
07:05GASP
07:06GASP
07:08GASP
07:09GASP
07:10GASP
07:10GASP
07:11GASP
07:11GASP
07:12GASP
07:13GASP
07:14GASP
07:17Hi, Joanne
07:20Hello, Joanne
07:20Hello, Alex
07:22You're taking extreme measures to keep the sun off your face
07:24Yeah, I feel like I should be in Gilead or something
07:27I feel like I'm in Handmaidens' Tale
07:31Hey Alex
07:32Hello Nik
07:33How are ya
07:34How are ya?
07:35Wowzys
07:36Work out who is following you
07:39Oh
07:39Oh gosh
07:41Work out who is following ya
07:43You must stare at the duck at all times
07:46Yes
07:47And take an average length step towards
07:50the duck every time it quacks
07:52If the person following you agrees with you
07:55They will say the name of a mammal if the person following you disagrees with you
08:00They will say the name of a bird if the person following you doesn't know if they agree or disagree
08:06with you
08:06They'll say the name of an amphibian of course. I'm very little
08:11Animal experience. Why have you got so little animal experience because I didn't study to see ology
08:15I don't know what an amphibian is right the correct answer furthest from the talk wins your time starts in
08:21the duck quacks
08:23When I say now press the green button, okay, I'm gonna release the follower. You need to keep looking at
08:28the duck
08:31Okay, Steve you may press the green button
08:44Are you okay, yes
08:50Go on. Tell me about your lack of experience with animals. Isn't that terrible? I don't know what an amphibian
08:55is. Yeah
08:56What is it?
08:57It's like a fishy
08:58You don't know what it is
08:59An amphibian has an aquatic gill-breathing larval stage followed by typically a terrestrial lung-breathing adult stage
09:06Yes, okay newt salamanders and obviously cacillians love them
09:13We begin with keen golfer John Robbins being chased by a keen golf trolley
09:20Wait for the quack
09:24Are you a man badger are you a sportsman right are you a actor Kiwi are you a politician
09:35Turtle dove are you famous
09:38Are you a chef common ostrich I don't know what are you a comedian
09:47Buddy duck are you are you human typical pigeon
09:52Are you a male are you an animal yellow hammer are you a robot
09:57Gouldian finish see your
10:01Male but you're not human and you're not an animal are you some kind of connection for like a do
10:08you a cable?
10:10Short toad tree creeper
10:12Short toad tree creeper
10:13Uh
10:14Does your name begin with A?
10:17Emu
10:18Does your name begin with B?
10:20Olive baboon
10:21And you're not human are you a human?
10:25Californian condor
10:27Do you have genitals?
10:29Toad and press frog
10:30That's ambiguous
10:32How is they ambiguous?
10:34Is your second letter of your name an R?
10:36Grey parrot
10:37An L?
10:38Tapybara
10:41Is the third letter of L?
10:44Malayan tapir
10:45Is it A?
10:47Golden pheasant
10:47Is it E? Is it I O?
10:50Pygmy hippopotamus
10:51Okay, so B L O
10:55Are you Mr. Blobby?
10:57Bachelor in Camel
10:58Yeah, so you're Mr. Blobby
11:00You may have a look
11:01Oh
11:08Fucking hell
11:09Not bad
11:12Come on you
11:13Let's get you home
11:17Well done John
11:18Well I guess we should briefly discuss are you a cable?
11:23Cable
11:24Cable is surely the only thing that's not human that has a gender
11:27Like male to female connections
11:29Oh I see, okay
11:30So I thought it might be a scart lead
11:36Well he got there
11:37He was 19 paces from the duck
11:39Okay, let's see how Steve and Joanne got on with
11:42To quote Joanne from episode one
11:44The best physical comedian of our generation
11:49Jesus Christ
11:53Hey, it's good being a man isn't it
11:55Badger
11:56Are you a human?
11:58Kiwi
11:58Is a kiwi a mammal? What the fuck is a kiwi?
12:01Keep stepping Joanne
12:03So reading the news
12:05Do you enjoy that?
12:06Vulturing guinea fowl
12:07Another step please Steve
12:08Okay, every quack
12:09Are you
12:12Food
12:12Blocus gulp
12:14Are you a famous thing?
12:15Badger
12:16Are you the Eiffel Tower?
12:18Like something like that
12:18Tony frogmouth
12:22What else is there?
12:23Being operated by another human
12:26Is tough, right?
12:27Hairy ear dwarf lemur
12:28Shhh
12:29Can I get inside you?
12:33Oh look
12:37Shhh
12:37Are you a glove puppet?
12:39Gordian Finch
12:40Are you some kind of children's TV character?
12:43Shhh
12:44Pigme Jagoa
12:44Jagoa
12:45Please step
12:47Do you have a one word name?
12:49Northern Shubbler
12:50Oh, is it Mr. Something?
12:52Rondon Woolf Bush Baby
12:54Shhh
12:54Okay, Mr. Something
12:56Have I met you?
12:57Have I been in you?
12:58Shhh
12:59Common Midwife Toad
13:00What's that?
13:01We don't know if you've met him
13:02Or her
13:03It's coming for you baby
13:05LAUGHTER
13:11APPLAUSE
13:15Well Steve
13:16If someone's at Mr. B
13:18I wouldn't have gone Bojangles
13:20Hearing the quacks with the handmaid's tail bonnet on
13:23Thinking about statements that had to be not questions
13:27Being chased by Mr. Fucking Blobby
13:29And that is actually his first name
13:31Who kept hitting you
13:31But like John, I only came up with the sort of alphabet thing
13:35When the duck was pretty close
13:3615 paces from the duck
13:38Joanne
13:39Yeah
13:39It's quite the contrast to the forensic things we've seen so far
13:44Uh-huh
13:44Uh, is a kiwi a mammal?
13:47Pause
13:48What's a fucking kiwi?
13:50And then you went, if you're not human
13:53You must be the Eiffel Tower
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59Then your next question was
14:01Can I get inside you?
14:03So I'm thinking, is it a building?
14:06Ah
14:07You know, can I step inside you?
14:09Not can I, like, penetrate you
14:10Oh, right
14:11But you were kind of hurling out just objects
14:13And then suddenly Blobby
14:14Yeah
14:15And that's because your go-to thing is Blobby
14:18I genuinely am a really big Mr Blobby fan
14:20I think he's amazing
14:21I tried to buy his outfit
14:22Do you remember he went on sale?
14:24Yeah, yeah, yeah
14:24I mean, the woman's Blobby obsessed
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26And it really helped
14:28She got to the correct answer much before the other two
14:30She got 26 steps away from the duck
14:32And that was after not believing it was Blobby
14:34She carried on stepping for quite a while
14:35After getting the correct answer
14:36And she was overjoyed when she turned around and saw her hero
14:39Right
14:40So, yeah, at the moment it's Joanne, then John, then Steve
14:43Alright, advert time now
14:44Hopefully one of them will make health claims for a food
14:47That they know full well is pumped full of sugar
14:50See you in a minute
14:57Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster
15:04What were our contestants doing in a field, young man?
15:08Well, it's a fine question
15:09They were trying to work out who's following them
15:10On an automatic golf trolley, Greg
15:12They can ask questions or make statements
15:14If the person agrees, they'll hear a mammal in response
15:16If they disagree, it's a bird
15:17And if it's ambiguous, they'll hear an amphibian
15:19Because it sounds a little bit like ambiguous
15:22Finally, how long will it take Nick and Sophie
15:24To work out that Mr. Blobby's following them?
15:26Here we go
15:28Um, no, no, no, no, no, no
15:31Have you got blunder?
15:32Kiwi
15:32Kiwi?
15:34That's a fruit
15:36Are you, er, human?
15:40Kiwi
15:41Are you smaller than a large tree?
15:44Donkey
15:45Are we friends from school?
15:47No, no, no, no
15:47Did I meet you in the last five years?
15:52Common midwife toad
15:54Do you have four legs?
15:56Californian condor
15:57Do you have two legs?
15:59Bengal tiger
16:00Are you over 30?
16:03Donkey
16:03OK
16:04Have you used an Excel sheet?
16:10Raucous girl
16:11Are you on TV?
16:12Take me to boa
16:13Are you on BBC?
16:15Puppy Barrow
16:17Oh, no, this duck's approaching
16:19Have we ever been drunk together?
16:23Common mud puppy
16:24That means yeah, I think
16:26Don't say
16:28Oh, I can't wait for the duck
16:30You can just keep sort of pacing at the duck
16:32And we'll just go on time instead
16:33Er, British?
16:34Pick me a pepapotamus
16:36Oh, you are British
16:37Are you an athlete?
16:38Northern traveller
16:39Are you a cartoon character?
16:41Are you a big grasshopper?
16:42Are you a mascot of some kind?
16:44Are you on the box of any kind of food-related stuff?
16:48Is it Alex?
16:49All right
16:50Yeah
16:50I think you're just gonna stay here with the duck
16:52Am I all right?
16:53OK
16:54Are you on a particular time of day?
16:56Mid-afternoon
16:57Crane
16:58Early evening
17:00Possum
17:02OK
17:02Right
17:03I can take the duck where I want
17:05You want, yeah
17:06Oh!
17:07I'm so sorry I saw him
17:09I saw him
17:11It's Mr. Blobby
17:14You're welcome to say hello to Mr. Blobby
17:16Yeah, thank you, God
17:19BBC
17:20Larger than a human but smaller than a large tree
17:23Walks on two legs
17:28On BBC One
17:33Pangolin
17:33Psh
17:36Psh
17:36Psh
17:36Psh
17:37Psh
17:38Psh
17:40Psh
17:41What's on at that time?
17:42Mr. Blobby
17:44King Fairy Elma Dino
17:47APPLAUSE
17:48Yay!
17:52APPLAUSE
17:54APPLAUSE
17:55The question I've got, Nick, is that you asked every question about every subject ever before you arrived at Blobby
18:03Yeah, well that was, I mean, just to do it by process of elimination, I guess that's what that was
18:07By eliminating everything in the world
18:08In the world, in the universe, yeah, yeah
18:11I like the question
18:13Are you smaller than a large tree?
18:15LAUGHTER
18:17Because how tall is a tree? A tree can be very small, so...
18:21Oh, my God, isn't it? I mean, one of the great philosophical questions of my time
18:23How large is large?
18:25How large is large?
18:27You're larger than me, yeah
18:29LAUGHTER
18:30Yeah
18:32Was there a logic to Sophie's questions?
18:37I've written some down
18:39Have I got drunk with you?
18:42Have you used an Excel sheet?
18:44LAUGHTER
18:46I mean, you literally sound like a dropped Alexa
18:49LAUGHTER
18:50I'm surprised!
18:52I thought you were going to...
18:53I thought I was really thinking she was going to pop out
18:55And then we mounted her on a golf trolley
18:58LAUGHTER
18:58Obviously, Sophie can't have a point, can she?
19:00Because she saw Blobby
19:03You're terrible, actually
19:04Fucking tough shit
19:06LAUGHTER
19:06Have we got the points?
19:07Yes
19:07Well, it's Sophie, unfortunately zero
19:09Two points to Nick, three to Steve, four to John
19:11But the winner, the future Mrs Blobby, is Joanne McNally!
19:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:18May I see a scoreboard, please?
19:20At the bottom, and it's been typical of the series so far
19:22We've got Sophie and Nick with three points
19:24At the top, it's John and Joanne, both with nine points
19:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:31Good, what's next?
19:32Oh, oh, no, it's childcare
19:47Hi
19:49Hi, and congratulations
19:50Thank you
19:51This takes me back
19:54Have you worn one of them before?
19:55Well, in my head it's a bulletproof vest
19:58And I am Detective Robin's homicide
20:01Oh, hi, Joanne
20:03What's going on?
20:04You've got to look after a baby
20:07What is it?
20:09I'll pop her or him in
20:10I can't remember the gender
20:12Oh, God
20:13Aww
20:15There we go
20:16Nothing to be frightened of
20:17This is actually quite comfortable
20:19Good
20:20Nice on the shoulders
20:23Complete the jobstical course
20:25Each job must be completed to a satisfactory quality level
20:30The baby must remain in the baby carrier at all times
20:32Except during nappy change
20:34Yes
20:34Yes
20:35You must complete the jobstical course within eight minutes
20:38The least babies will win
20:41I'd actually like to spill a bit of it
20:45We want a wet baby and a dry Steve
20:49Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle
20:51Oh, God
20:56Nick looks terrified of the baby
20:58I've got three kids
20:58Have you really got three kids?
21:00Yeah, Jenny, it's weird, isn't it?
21:01Yeah, I have
21:03Sorry, kids
21:07Let's crack on
21:07All right, then
21:08The first to look after the big wet baby are Joanne and Sophie
21:12I think my approach is going to be to glide
21:15Swift, fast and smooth
21:17Like a swan
21:19Do the dishes
21:21They're in the caravan
21:22I am curious about motherhood
21:24So I think this will be good for me
21:25Yeah, this will be a good test
21:27Like a swan
21:30Daddy horn hanging around outside you
21:33Fuck off
21:37That's it
21:38Done
21:40Oh
21:40This is unfortunate
21:43Oh, no
21:45Alex
21:46Pick up the basket
21:47Pick up the basket
21:49And the thing
21:50I can't pick up the thing
21:53Bend from the knees
21:56Now
22:03His shoes need cleaning now
22:09Stay to your shoes, Greg
22:11Trying to raise a jug of water here
22:15There's a suffragette turn in her grave somewhere
22:20Copy last
22:20Done
22:22Okay
22:22Does your big work baby have a name?
22:25Juicy
22:28Get in
22:29Get in
22:30This is why women breastfeed
22:31Because this is a pain in the hell
22:33Get your own baby
22:35Yeah
22:36Last one done?
22:37Yeah
22:39Whack it in
22:39Whack it in
22:41Thank you
22:46I think it's very impressive, Joanne, for you to make points about the patriarchy
22:51When you've got a bucket of water strapped to you
22:53Any excuse?
22:54Can you tell me statistics about who was the most effective parent?
22:57Sophie spilt a fifth of her baby
22:59Use some of the baby to clean the shoes with
23:01I spilt some out at the start
23:05Because I was like, that's going to go anyway
23:06Might as well get rid of it
23:07Not stressing
23:08Speed up
23:09Yeah, you only spilt a sixth of your baby
23:10So you are currently in the lead, Joanne
23:12Next up, it's two dads of three
23:15It's Nick
23:15And it's Steve
23:18Okay, let's do the shoes first
23:21Oh, God
23:22Right, here we go
23:23Four...
23:23Oh, what am I going to clean them with?
23:25Oh, I can't use the baby
23:27Sorry, baby
23:29Just... I'm patting the baby's head
23:30Baby's fine, though
23:32Ahhhh
23:33Baby's fine
23:33You're not cleaning with the baby at all, you?
23:35A little bit of it
23:36I went in the, um, in the sappy water
23:39With a really on her fingers
23:41And bells on her toes
23:47Think your baby's been sick
23:49Hang the laundry, Twixly cow in the caravan
23:52Bit of baby spilt on your knee, then
23:54Yeah, but that...
23:55Oh, a lot of...
23:56That's handy
23:56I'm assuming I have to create my own line, yeah?
24:01To hang me
24:01Sure, yeah
24:04Laundry
24:05Da-da-da-da-da
24:08There we go
24:08Is that... Are you satisfied with that?
24:10Well, yeah
24:11Yeah?
24:12Hand the laundry, dust the carpet
24:13Oh, was that dusting the carpet?
24:16LAUGHTER
24:18Okay, best way to dust the carpet
24:26Is that a slide?
24:28No
24:30Ooh, baby's not happy with this
24:34You thirsty?
24:36Oh, there we go!
24:39Now let's get that nap-nap changed
24:41Yeah
24:44She loves that
24:45There you go, that's not bad
24:47Yeah
24:47You've got three seconds left
24:48Er...
24:50Love you
24:50LAUGHTER
24:53APPLAUSE
24:57To actual fathers
24:59And, er, with very contrasting approaches
25:02LAUGHTER
25:02Nick, you seem very cautious and caring parent, I thought
25:06Yeah
25:07Did Nick spill a lot of baby?
25:09Yes, Nick spilled a quarter of his baby
25:11Whereas Steve, in the end, only 7% of babies spilt
25:14Who would have thought that you would come across in this competition
25:16as a more effective parent
25:18by force-feeding your baby?
25:20LAUGHTER
25:20I feel like I have to apologise to my own children now
25:23if that was anything like the upbringing they had
25:25Yeah
25:26Time for a break now
25:27I say that
25:28It doesn't seem to matter how much pressure I apply to Alex's pelvis
25:32It just won't snap
25:35LAUGHTER
25:44APPLAUSE
25:48Hello! Yes! You're back with us on Taskmaster
25:51Mm-mm
25:52Comedy entertainment at its finest
25:54Am I right, guys?
25:55The current task...
25:58..sees our comedians busy trying to complete a jobstical course
26:01of household chores
26:02whilst looking after their water bottle in a baby carrier
26:04Least baby spilled wins
26:06Last up, Ron Jobbins
26:09LAUGHTER
26:11What are you going to do first, John?
26:12Well, I'm going to take the baby out of this
26:14It must stay in the baby carrier
26:16It must remain in the baby carrier
26:19But the baby carrier doesn't have to remain on me
26:22Oh!
26:25BUZZER
26:26BUZZER
26:27Barry
26:28Right
26:30Do the dishes
26:31Caravan
26:34BUZZER
26:34BUZZER
26:35BUZZER
26:35Dish is done
26:37BUZZER
26:39BUZZER
26:39BUZZER
26:40Thank you, Greg
26:40Dust the carpet
26:42Four minutes left
26:43Four minutes
26:45BUZZER
26:46Never done this before
26:48BUZZER
26:48The way my life's going, I'll probably never do it again
26:52BUZZER
26:52BUZZER
26:52Oh!
26:53A lot easier without a baby on your front
26:55Oh, it's so much easier
26:57And honestly, that baby's been driving me crazy
27:01BUZZER
27:01One minute left, John
27:04Just taking a bit of care with this, Alex
27:06How much more time have I got?
27:08Five
27:10Four
27:11Three
27:13Two
27:22BUZZER
27:24BUZZER
27:25BUZZER
27:25BUZZER
27:26BUZZER
27:26But, you know, fast, wasn't it?
27:28Yeah, and it wasn't even about that, there was zero percentage of the baby spilt
27:32BUZZER
27:33Oh, don't leave a silence where there's a butt coming and you...
27:37BUZZER
27:37No, there's no butt, I'm just allowing you to enjoy it
27:39BUZZER
27:40Oh, that's sweet
27:40How long do you want to give him to enjoy it?
27:43BUZZER
27:44BUZZER
27:45We give him ten more seconds, shall we?
27:48BUZZER
27:51BUZZER
27:54BUZZER
27:54BUZZER
27:54No, I unfortunately don't have another VT, he has genuinely nailed it
27:57I know he has, yeah
27:59BUZZER
28:00BUZZER
28:01BUZZER
28:01BUZZER
28:03BUZZER
28:03So the points are, Nick gets one, Sophie two, Joanne three, Steve four,
28:07five points to John Robbins, well done, John
28:08BUZZER
28:09BUZZER
28:10BUZZER
28:12BUZZER
28:13OK, what's next, please, Alex?
28:15You're going to like this, Greg, we started off in a tent
28:17and now we're going to be in tents, in tents
28:20That's ya, yeah?
28:35BUZZER
28:49BUZZER
28:50Are you all right?
28:52Oh, no.
28:54What now?
29:01Is this right?
29:07Hello?
29:09You OK?
29:11Have you seen something bad?
29:12Have you had an accident?
29:25Oh, thank you.
29:30Create tension.
29:32You've just given me a masterclass.
29:34Create tension.
29:35Oh!
29:37You were acting and you did it well.
29:40Most tension created wins.
29:43You have 20 minutes, your time starts now.
29:48Have you started the attention?
29:50I've started. This is tension.
29:51Yeah.
29:56So, like, just make it really awkward.
29:58What do you think of my tension that I created?
30:00Didn't feel tense.
30:02No, no.
30:02Oh, well.
30:03Give it a two out of ten.
30:04Right.
30:05Sexual tension?
30:08I'm going to need some kind of elasticated roping.
30:13I would like to challenge you to a duel of hangman.
30:25It's not quite working, that, is it?
30:28A tablecloth.
30:30Mm-hm.
30:30Yeah.
30:31I'm going to get some bits and bobs.
30:36APPLAUSE
30:41This will be interesting, because I know how to make you tense.
30:44Yes, you do.
30:46And I'm not going to be the only one, I suspect.
30:49Let's go.
30:50First of all, we're going to see three lots of tension-makers,
30:53Sophie, John and Joanne.
30:56Tension.
30:58What is tension?
30:59Tension is the apprehension that something bad's going to happen,
31:03isn't it?
31:04It's tense.
31:05We're worried.
31:06Alex, sit with me.
31:10Sit down beside me.
31:11There?
31:11Actually, no.
31:12Actually, hop up here.
31:12Hop up.
31:14Facing you?
31:15Like this?
31:15This is perfect, yeah.
31:17Go relax?
31:18No, don't relax.
31:19I want you on edge.
31:21In order to actually measure the tension,
31:24we've got both analogue and digital tension scales.
31:33Like Tyra walking but on a chair?
31:36Yeah.
31:39What's your salary?
31:42Don't lie.
31:43Don't lie to your mother.
31:44I don't get there.
32:01Are you ready?
32:03Yeah, I'm ready.
32:04Increase the tension.
32:05Oh!
32:07Alex, stand firm.
32:08Let's take a reading. Alex, that's 10 kilos of tension.
32:15Our genitals are not tension, just to be clear.
32:19Sadly.
32:32That was tense.
32:37That's so good.
32:39You smell just like him.
32:45What am I doing with the net, John?
32:46What are you doing with the net? You're catching the marble of certain death.
32:49Oh, I see.
32:50OK.
32:51OK.
32:52Three, two, one.
32:57And there you go.
32:58The marble of certain death, caught by Alex under pretty extreme tension here.
33:03That's 10 kilos of tension.
33:04That's your time up, John.
33:06Four.
33:09I'm taking time. My whistle's right down here, though.
33:12Excuse me?
33:13Ignore the whistle. It's just me and you now.
33:15I've got to give the whistle.
33:16I've asked the cameraman to leave.
33:19It's open.
33:33I told you someone would crack the code.
33:36I got consent at every point.
33:39Every point there was consent.
33:40What the audience didn't hear is what you said as you walked out, which was, never look at me again.
33:48Sophie, watching you, um, standing on one leg, with a cup on your head, hissing like a fucking snake, is
33:56the least tense I've ever felt.
34:00You've never been in that position, because you've never been in that position, because you're always taller, aren't you?
34:04Yeah.
34:04But actually having somebody...
34:30What about Johnny? Just a very literal version of tension. Did he create much tension?
34:34Well, yes, one kilogram on earth is 9.8 newtons of tension, we know this, and you had 10 kilos.
34:41So it was, yeah, it was 98 newtons of tension he created, which is about the same as a small
34:45monkey swinging on a tree.
34:47LAUGHTER
34:49How heavy is the monkey?
34:52LAUGHTER
34:52It said a small monkey.
34:54How many pounds of tension did he create?
34:57LAUGHTER
34:58Tension's not measured in...stones or pounds.
35:01It's not measured in monkeys, mate.
35:03It's measured in...
35:05APPLAUSE
35:10Who's left?
35:11Next up, time to vamp up the tension with Nick Muhammad.
35:16Ooh.
35:24MUSIC PLAYS
35:27How long, Alex?
35:29One minute, Nick.
35:54That's what I intended.
35:56And that then goes over that.
35:57What can we do with that?
35:59And there's a little...
36:01little finish.
36:03LAUGHTER
36:06APPLAUSE
36:08APPLAUSE
36:11APPLAUSE
36:11Thanks, Alex. See you later.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:18APPLAUSE
36:20APPLAUSE
36:22The old egg misses the glass trick, eh?
36:25That was genuinely stressful, just re-watching that.
36:28LAUGHTER
36:28Yeah, there was tension there.
36:30And I've got to say, it's not looking bad for you on this one.
36:32Oh, great.
36:32Yeah. And bear in mind...
36:34..who you're sitting there.
36:38Right, we're nearly at the end of the show,
36:40when one of the comedians will scream with delight
36:43as they head home with their very own trough.
36:46But first...
36:47LAUGHTER
36:47..have some badverts.
36:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:58Hello, welcome back to the final part of the show,
37:01where things have been pretty damn tense.
37:03Oh, you've been pretty, I've been tense.
37:04And that's because we've come to the end of our create tension task,
37:08and it ends with me versus Steve at Hangman.
37:11It doesn't matter.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:18LAUGHTER
37:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:22MUSIC PLAYS
37:24MUSIC PLAYS
37:24MUSIC PLAYS
37:27MUSIC PLAYS
37:28Love house.
37:34P.
37:38MUSIC PLAYS
37:41MUSIC PLAYS
37:41MUSIC PLAYS
37:41T.
37:51R.
37:58L.
38:02D.
38:05H.
38:07M.
38:09F.
38:11N.
38:20P.
38:22C.
38:26B.
38:30H.
38:33C.
38:36G.
38:40C.
38:41C.
38:42C.
38:44C.
38:47C.
38:48C.
38:49C.
38:50C.
38:50C.
38:51C.
38:52C.
38:53C.
38:53C.
38:55C.
38:59C.
38:59C.
38:59C.
38:59C.
39:01C.
39:03C.
39:05C.
39:05C.
39:06C.
39:08C.
39:08C.
39:08C.
39:08C.
39:09C.
39:09C.
39:20C.
39:21C.
39:28C.
39:30C.
39:31C.
39:32C.
39:33C.
39:33C.
39:34C.
39:35C.
39:35C.
39:36C.
39:36C.
39:36C.
39:36C.
39:37C.
39:37C.
39:38C.
39:38C.
39:38C.
39:39C.
39:39C.
39:39C.
39:39C.
39:40C.
39:40C.
39:41C.
39:42C.
39:43C.
39:43C.
39:43C.
39:43C.
39:44C.
39:44there's a gulf between Sophie and the others, so we jump up to three points.
39:49Right, who's getting three points?
39:51John is.
39:52I felt tense with Nick and with Steve.
39:56Steve, I felt deliberately tense,
39:58and with Nick, I felt his gross incompetence was...
40:01LAUGHTER
40:02..as a magician was going to result in someone being hurt.
40:05So I can draw a parallel there and say four points for both,
40:08but we all know where the most tension was in the room,
40:10and it was a grown woman sniffing your beard.
40:13LAUGHTER
40:14So five points to Joanne and that's it.
40:17APPLAUSE
40:21Scoreboard, Troy.
40:22Right, OK, well, unfortunately, Sophie, that means you've only got six points,
40:26whereas John and Joanne are in the lead with 17 points.
40:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:33All right, then!
40:34Please can you vacate your chairs, head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:48Who's going to read the task out?
40:50Joanne McNally, my friend.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:53Don't look at me, Alex.
40:54Don't look at me.
40:55Catch the most monsters in your boxes.
40:58The monsters must propel themselves from the table.
41:01Most monsters in boxes after two minutes wins.
41:04And I should also say, if you catch one in your arm, that's worth one monster.
41:09In your hat, that's worth two monsters.
41:11It's three on the leg, four on the back bucket, five on the shoulder.
41:16Isn't the leg one a bit unfair?
41:19Someone's got an advantage.
41:21LAUGHTER
41:25OK, so it's two minutes, Greg.
41:27Let's dance.
41:29WHISTLE BLOWS
41:29And they're off.
41:30Oh!
41:32It's hard to even get in front.
41:34Oh!
41:35How do you do it?
41:36They're not bouncing.
41:38Oh!
41:45Now I'm so fatious.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:53LAUGHTER
42:00Yes, yes!
42:02APPLAUSE
42:04Nick is pulling away, Ian.
42:12Yes!
42:16Oh, Steve, that was so close.
42:17Tip the table, tip that table.
42:23BUZZER
42:23Stop!
42:26Oh!
42:28My class, I want you to go.
42:30You did say in the task, the monsters must propel themselves from the table.
42:33Are we happy that the stage is a table for sushi?
42:36LAUGHTER
42:36I mean, isn't it?
42:36It's an act of charity, I think.
42:39LAUGHTER
42:39OK, I'm going to quickly count the monsters.
42:42We have one in the top.
42:44That's two monsters for Joanne.
42:45Lovely.
42:47We have one in the top.
42:48We also have two bucket monsters, so that's a total of ten monsters.
42:55Two in the leg, that's six monsters.
42:59Unfortunately, the arm is the lowest scoring.
43:01There are six in there, which is also a total of six monsters.
43:05APPLAUSE
43:07There is one in the hat and there are two in the bucket,
43:10so that's a total of ten monsters.
43:12APPLAUSE
43:15So, why don't you all come down here
43:17and we'll see what that's done to the final scores.
43:20APPLAUSE
43:26Greg, I need to show you a couple of things.
43:27Oh, good. Is it related to the show?
43:30LAUGHTER
43:31Unfortunately, yes.
43:32I need to get your judgement on a couple of little bits I caught
43:35during the task.
43:40Some impropriety.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:43You need them, otherwise you can't see.
43:45LAUGHTER
43:46OK, have a look up here.
43:47The first thing I saw was this.
43:49APPLAUSE
43:49Great armour.
43:51Oh!
43:53Woo!
43:55Outrageous.
43:56Yeah, so do you want to dock him one monster or more?
43:58Oh, I mean, he's disqualified from the whole...
44:00I'm joking, I'm joking.
44:03Yeah, just dock him one point, yeah.
44:05One monster's gone.
44:06And then it's whether or not Steve's final hat monster
44:08was before or after the whistle.
44:12APPLAUSE
44:13Stop!
44:16Well, it was about three years afterwards.
44:19LAUGHTER
44:19So there's not a lot of tension in that decision, is it?
44:22LAUGHTER
44:22So that means Joanne is last with the two monsters,
44:26then it's Nick with five, Sophie with six,
44:28Steve with eight,
44:29and John takes all five points with the ten monsters!
44:32There it is!
44:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:36Excited what that's done to the final scoreboard,
44:38because, so far, only Steve has won, of course.
44:40Correct.
44:41In this episode, Joanne was pipped to the post.
44:44She got 18 points and John got 22 points!
44:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:47He's been a man!
44:48John Robbins is the winner of episode three!
44:51Going down with your creative animal obsession!
44:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:58So, what have we learnt from today's show?
45:00Well, we've learnt that everyone finds themselves
45:03in tense situations,
45:04a difficult negotiation, perhaps,
45:06a feud with a neighbour,
45:07an argument with a partner.
45:09But remember,
45:10there's always a way to defuse that awful tension.
45:13And this is it.
45:15I see...
45:16LAUGHTER
45:21But there's only one real winner tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
45:24and that is John Robbins!
45:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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