Taskmaster - S19E01 - Sometimes Spit [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full

dramacat

8 hours ago

Transcript

00:02This was a mistake!

00:04Shut up!

00:05Button?

00:14You're mad.

00:16Wow.

00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

00:35Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davies.

00:37Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!

00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

00:44I have never felt so full of hope.

00:48The tasks are new, the contestants are new,

00:50and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,

00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,

00:58ready for battle, so they all smell just great...

01:01for now.

01:02So let's meet the new recruits,

01:04ready to risk it all to take home Daddy's golden head.

01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny,

01:13is a sentence I forgot I wrote.

01:17Please welcome...

01:18Fatia Al Gorey!

01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

01:21Jason Mandzuka!

01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

01:24Matthew Baker!

01:27Rosie Ramsey!

01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

01:30And Stevie Martin!

01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

01:33And next to me, a man who is a life-long supporter

01:36of Liverpool Football Club

01:38and tells me that the only downside to that

01:40is meeting the other fans,

01:42who he finds to be universally stupid

01:45and physically disgusting.

01:47LAUGHTER

01:49It's been Alex Hall!

01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

01:52Nice to be here.

01:54OK.

01:55Hello, everyone.

01:57I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,

02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.

02:01I love magic.

02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.

02:03It's called the magic pen.

02:04It looks like an ordinary pen.

02:06Mm-hm.

02:07But I've signed it using the pen.

02:11How?

02:12How?

02:13I'll tell you how.

02:15Magic.

02:16Magic.

02:17LAUGHTER

02:19Magic.

02:20Magic pen.

02:20How's it done?

02:21I know you're thinking,

02:22maybe I've used a second pen.

02:24Well, look.

02:24Here is another pen.

02:25Also signed.

02:26How?

02:27I'll tell you how.

02:28Magic.

02:30Magic.

02:31LAUGHTER

02:31Could there be another pen?

02:33Yes, but also signed.

02:35Magic.

02:36Yeah.

02:37I know the man well,

02:38and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.

02:42LAUGHTER

02:43Magic.

02:45Yeah, I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.

02:47I did, actually,

02:48and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.

02:49I could...

02:50Anyway, that's the magic trick.

02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.

02:55Series, Jason.

02:57LAUGHTER

02:59I'm with him, you're a guest in this country.

03:03You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.

03:05LAUGHTER

03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.

03:10OK, and we're starting the series with

03:12the object that reminds you of school the most in a good way.

03:16Mm.

03:16We all know Greg used to be a teacher.

03:18Mm.

03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,

03:21and as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.

03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.

03:26Five points...

03:27LAUGHTER

03:27I've not got range!

03:29LAUGHTER

03:30I'm amazed you're in showroom!

03:32LAUGHTER

03:33You should be at most an assistant bank manager.

03:37LAUGHTER

03:39So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,

03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes

03:46in a great big school satchel.

03:48Peace out, man.

03:49OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.

03:51What have you brought me?

03:52So, I brought in a golf club.

03:54Here it is.

03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.

03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,

04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,

04:03if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,

04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...

04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?

04:12No, he would pretend to. Are you mad?

04:14Am I mad?

04:17LAUGHTER

04:17He would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me into being a good girl.

04:21So, the thing that you brought in that reminds you of school

04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to threaten you with.

04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.

04:30LAUGHTER

04:31The glass is half full.

04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?

04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous in my high school.

04:41It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the blackboard

04:45that you pulled down like this.

04:47Oh, sweet.

04:48Right? See, I thought you might like that.

04:50Here it is.

04:51Oh, yeah.

04:51Oh, yeah, nice.

04:52I mean, how satisfying is that?

04:54That's nice.

04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world.

04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?

05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.

05:05Wow.

05:05It's both heartwarming and tragic.

05:08Who's next?

05:09Oh, I've got some facts about America, if you want.

05:12No facts.

05:14Matthew.

05:15I have brought the TV trolley.

05:19Oh, what a TV trolley!

05:21Another blinding move!

05:23Just a sweet nostalgia.

05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes

05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode of...

05:36Equinox.

05:38Science documentary.

05:39And you would ignore the educational content and you would just be

05:42sort of laughing at the fashion.

05:44Well, having been a teacher, I can give you a bit of a glance

05:47behind the magician's curtain here.

05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday

05:52and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.

05:56And I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.

06:03Every Friday?

06:04And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.

06:10Thank you, I like your trolley.

06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less and less appealing.

06:16Rosie, welcome.

06:18What have you brought in?

06:19I brought me school dinner.

06:21Oh!

06:22So that's chicken with gravy.

06:25Is it?

06:26The TV should not stand up.

06:29It's all the way to the left next to the brown turd.

06:32Oh, that's stuffing.

06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.

06:36Yeah.

06:37So you could go in your...

06:38That's all right, it all goes in the same stomach.

06:40Bold.

06:42This is good.

06:43Stevie!

06:44School, good times?

06:45No.

06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,

06:50which involves the prize task.

06:52Right, cultural cachet.

06:53Yes.

06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?

06:59Stay with me.

07:02It is.

07:29You said that you were in your 70s or something.

07:31I don't know.

07:32They had Superman, didn't they?

07:33Yes.

07:33No, they did.

07:36I'm not Victorian.

07:38Sorry.

07:39Sorry, yes, yes.

07:40Five objects there, Greg.

07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?

07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.

07:47One point to Fatty.

07:48Well done, we're off the mark.

07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go,

07:51ah, the most, so I have to give Stevie two points,

07:53because gel pens are a little bit new for me.

07:55Two to Stevie.

07:56Three to the school dinner.

07:58OK.

07:59For no other reason than we need to move on.

08:01OK.

08:03I love the VHS trolley, but it also slightly reminds me

08:06of my own teaching days.

08:08I love the romance of the map.

08:09So, five points to Jason.

08:11Four points to the map.

08:12Well done, Jason.

08:17Let's get going.

08:18OK.

08:18Well, hands down and heads up as we kick off proceedings

08:21in the lab.

08:36Hello, hello, hello.

08:38Fancy seeing you here.

08:41Jason.

08:43Alex.

08:47Hi.

08:48Excellent entrance.

08:55Is this the lab?

08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?

09:00It's the lab, isn't it?

09:05Bit mad.

09:06I'm going to read this.

09:07Not wasting any time.

09:08Right.

09:09Hello.

09:10Stevie?

09:11Yes.

09:11Did you get lost?

09:12I went to the wrong room.

09:14Let's go.

09:18Put your hands on the hands.

09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut until you hear the whistle.

09:24Time starts now.

09:25Put your hands on the hands.

09:26Yes, please.

09:27Oh, I'm scared.

09:29OK.

09:33Are they shut?

09:34Yeah, they're shut.

09:36Marvellous.

09:37I can't.

09:40Well, you don't make me look silly, innit?

09:42I wouldn't dream of it.

09:44Wow.

09:49Can I open my eyes now?

09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.

09:54Ah!

09:57What?

09:58What is it?

10:00Yeah, that's what I thought.

10:02Two jars of piss.

10:05You've got your glasses on again if you want.

10:07Son of a bitch.

10:09OK, you can read the next part of the task now.

10:11Are you taking a mic?

10:12How am I going to do that?

10:16Oh, I hate this.

10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.

10:22Fastest winds for every millimetre spilled.

10:24One second will be added to your time.

10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.

10:29OK.

10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?

10:31Let me guess.

10:32It's underneath me?

10:34Is that a fish tank?

10:36Is this a fish tank?

10:40APPLAUSE

10:43Good.

10:44Fatia said,

10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?

10:47And all I've written is,

10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.

10:54She was furious from the moment we said,

10:56Shut your eyes.

10:56Oh, for goodness.

10:57Yeah.

10:58That's how I am, honestly.

11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted

11:02and I called the police.

11:04You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed with his chocolate supply.

11:08Yeah.

11:09Wow.

11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.

11:14And Matt.

11:16And Stevie.

11:19And that's it.

11:20Sorry, Rosie, here we go.

11:26Laughing doesn't help.

11:29Oh, my God.

11:32What happens if it's a smash?

11:38Oh.

11:40It's going to take some time.

11:42And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.

11:46Your fingers bend the wrong way.

11:48Why are you laughing, bro?

11:53It's all science-y in here.

11:55This season's theme, science.

11:57Oh, God.

11:58You're laughing.

12:03It's probably in the shed.

12:05Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.

12:06A pint of vinegar in the fish tank.

12:09If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it.

12:11Okay.

12:11I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.

12:14Okay.

12:14Well, I hope it's you in a way.

12:16This is a tank.

12:18No, it's not a tank.

12:19Well, that's a submarine.

12:21Mmm.

12:22All right.

12:23Have I lost my mind?

12:28Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.

12:30What's this?

12:32What's it look like?

12:33You fucking assholes.

12:36Wait.

12:37Oh!

12:38This tank!

12:48Oh, fuck.

12:50I just spilled some.

12:52This is popping everywhere.

12:56Ooh.

12:57Okay.

12:58Okay.

12:58I don't like that.

12:59Son of a bitch.

13:06Oh!

13:07This is good.

13:09Okay.

13:09All the winning is in the fish tank?

13:11Yeah, yeah.

13:11I've stopped the clock.

13:12Done.

13:13Woo!

13:13That was exciting.

13:15Yeah, for you.

13:15You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?

13:18Have I gone past it and just not seen it?

13:21I genuinely don't know.

13:22I can't imagine so.

13:23You genuinely don't know.

13:27Bullshit.

13:31He's doing laps now.

13:35I'm going back in here.

13:41Fuck off!

13:43Hey, Matthew.

13:45You found a fish tank?

13:46Yeah.

13:47Found a fish tank?

13:48Do you remember I said I'd either hate myself or you?

13:51Yeah.

13:53It's you.

14:02It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year.

14:06Matthew ran around a garden.

14:07What were you thinking when you were just running around the garden?

14:11Looking for a fish tank.

14:14And then when you did find it, you were very angry.

14:17Yes.

14:17Were you angry at the pun?

14:19Yeah.

14:20Yeah.

14:21I think that's what we all got.

14:23I think collectively.

14:25I mean, it was irritating.

14:27So irritating.

14:28Stevie, I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting that if you didn't find the tank soon,

14:33you were going to drink the liquid.

14:35Especially as in the early part, you'd identified it as piss.

14:39It was quite dehydrating, the process.

14:42And also, as well, I just completely ignored the two jar lids.

14:47It messes with your brain, doesn't it?

14:48Yeah.

14:48And this is the stuff that he loves.

14:50Yeah.

14:50And this gets at home going...

14:52Yeah.

14:56And I can tell you that, so far, the person who's doing the best in the task is Stevie.

15:00You did seven minutes, 42.

15:02And you didn't spill anything.

15:03Matt didn't spill anything either.

15:04Took 12 minutes, three seconds.

15:06Looked worse than that.

15:07But because of the lack of spillage, you were fine.

15:09Jason, you were much quicker.

15:09But your milliliters, or spiller-liters, you could call them spiller-liters.

15:14Let's not.

15:15Let's not do that.

15:16Tipped you over to 17 minutes, 29.

15:18I'm so sorry.

15:19Because I was penalised for spilling.

15:20Penalised.

15:21And Fatia, you were...

15:23Yeah, yeah.

15:24And Fatia, 10 minutes, 12.

15:25But we're not going to find out how Rosie's done until after the break.

15:27Oh!

15:28Ooh, that builds the tension.

15:29It must be really shit.

15:33Go on then, off you pop.

15:34I said it's break time.

15:36Go!

15:42Hey!

15:48Welcome back to Trustmaster.

15:50Our first task is underway and the new contestants have been trying

15:53to pour all of their vinegar into a fish tank.

15:55A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish.

15:59It's clever.

16:00It's funny.

16:01And it winds Greg up.

16:02Tick, tick, tick.

16:03For every millilitre spilt, one second will be added to their time.

16:07Rosie has watched all of her rivals' attempts,

16:09and now she has to watch herself back knowing what's happened before her.

16:13So, good luck, Rosie.

16:21Mmm.

16:23Well done.

16:25Can I go in here?

16:26OK.

16:27Fish tank.

16:32How's it going, Rosie?

16:33Erm, it's...

16:34No, I haven't found anything yet.

16:36This is a bath.

16:39That's a good...

16:39That's not a fish tank.

16:41I don't think...

16:41I've not seen a fish tank anywhere.

16:46No.

16:47I'm just looking for a fish tank.

16:49Anything could be a fish tank, really, couldn't it?

16:52OK.

16:58Is that a fish tank or a jar?

17:01It's a jar, isn't it?

17:03LAUGHTER

17:07Do you want me to stop the car, Rosie?

17:08Yeah, I'll stop the car.

17:09OK, bye.

17:10OK, bye.

17:11Watch them fish.

17:12APPLAUSE

17:16I mean, should I disqualify you or not?

17:18No.

17:19No.

17:19What?

17:21LAUGHTER

17:22It's not a fish tank.

17:23Do you want me to tell you the definition of a fish tank?

17:24I do want you to tell me.

17:25Well, it's a tank driven by a fish...

17:29LAUGHTER

17:30..or a transparent container of water in which live fish

17:33and other water creatures and plants are kept.

17:35I thought outside the box.

17:37You did think outside the box.

17:38I did think outside the box.

17:39Well, shall I tell you the times and you can decide what to do?

17:42Stevie was the quickest, was 7.42.

17:43Then Fatia, 10 minutes.

17:45Matt, 12 minutes.

17:46Rosie was 15 and a half minutes.

17:48OK.

17:49Didn't spill a drop.

17:50Jason, because of his spillage, was 17 minutes 29.

17:53If it had been a normal fish tank,

17:55then I would be penalising Rosie,

17:56but because it was a stupid play on words,

17:58I'm going to allow her fish tank.

18:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

18:03Yes.

18:04OK.

18:05So you're saying that Jason comes last,

18:07one point, two points to Rosie, three to Matt,

18:10four to Fatia, but Stevie gets the full five points.

18:12Very nice.

18:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

18:16Let's have our first scoreboard, please.

18:19Joint leaders, with seven points, are Matt and Stevie.

18:22Lovely look.

18:26What's next, my cylindrical little piglet?

18:29LAUGHTER

18:31Don't mind that.

18:32Backwards and forwards thing Cool are doing involves task.

18:35Next, this, Greg.

18:36Well...

18:36Oh, God.

18:50You look very cool.

18:51I know.

18:53You look nice.

18:55I look...

18:57Cool.

18:59Cool guy.

19:03If you could use one word to describe me, what would it be?

19:06Ridiculous.

19:07LAUGHTER

19:09Not what that's happening for.

19:11Do something really cool.

19:13You have a maximum of ten minutes.

19:16Your time starts...

19:17..now.

19:21Is there a bed?

19:23Cool's sort of not caring.

19:25Yeah, I don't care.

19:26Or is it actually cool to be passionate?

19:30Now, super quick question.

19:32Can I get on the roof?

19:33I would say you definitely can't do that.

19:35LAUGHTER

19:37Really?

19:38I can't go out into traffic.

19:40No.

19:41Can't get on the roof.

19:42Can't go on the road.

19:43You know what?

19:44Comedy thrives on yes and, not no but.

19:48It wasn't even no but, it was...

19:50You definitely can't.

19:50Ooh, that's anti-cool.

19:53Ugh.

19:53OK.

19:54What cool things can you do?

19:56Let's think of cool things I can't do.

19:59Right.

20:00And then we try to find something that I can do.

20:02What's cool?

20:03What is cool?

20:05Lemonade?

20:06Yeah, lemonade is cool.

20:08What do you do that's cool?

20:10Sometimes spit.

20:11LAUGHTER

20:14What?

20:15Yuck.

20:15I'm going to go and get a guitar.

20:19It's time, Horne.

20:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

20:25Yeah?

20:26Happy with that?

20:26Yeah, see you later, mate.

20:28Move.

20:28Oh, actually, we're going to have to go down.

20:30I'm so sorry.

20:31It's actually rude rather than cool.

20:33I know.

20:33Um, sorry, sorry, sorry.

20:35There is one more...

20:36thing.

20:39Great.

20:40Do your cool thing backwards!

20:42The cool thing backwards, played backwards,

20:44that looks most like the forwards cool thing,

20:48played forwards, wins.

20:52You're 15 minutes.

20:54APPLAUSE

20:58Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say,

21:01I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards.

21:04LAUGHTER

21:06It's time, Horne.

21:14Yes, I'm joined.

21:27So, that was the footage reversed, obviously.

21:29Oh, was it?

21:30Yes.

21:31Stevie, I'm not one for platitudes.

21:33It might be the single coolest thing I've ever seen.

21:36I enjoyed the addition of the little man popping out of the bin.

21:39LAUGHTER

21:41I've got no notes.

21:43Fine.

21:44It will go downhill, right?

21:45Well, there's Matt playing guitar next.

21:47Here we go.

21:49LAUGHTER

21:51I'm Matthew Bainton, and this is Cool.

21:57Don't turn that big frown upside down

22:00You'd be a fool

22:02If you thought that not caring was cool

22:11I was like,

22:14I'm not friends糖

22:16I'm like,

22:26but I'm not two,

22:29I'm not two.

22:30If you thought that not caring

22:35That's something you could do

22:47I mean, I thought you were this generation's Morrissey before I saw it reversed quite Eurovision in this one

22:5670s Eurovision it straddles the genres I mean if this is the last thing you achieve in your life you've

23:03done well

23:05I think it's powerful. Thank you. Can I get a rewind? You can because it's time for Rosie Ramsey

23:11Can you give me a sick sick beat? Okay

24:04I've got kids.

24:05I... I felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.

24:11LAUGHTER

24:14Really bad.

24:16LAUGHTER

24:19And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions,

24:24it's time for a break.

24:26APPLAUSE

24:35Hello. Welcome back to the third part of the show,

24:38where our cool new contestants have to be cool

24:41and then do that cool thing backwards.

24:43Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.

24:45Next up, good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg.

24:48It's Fatia's attempt.

24:51MUSIC

24:52MUSIC

24:54MUSIC

24:56Yes, yeah, well, that's it. You know, I've said we're running you sick. Oh, yeah, okay, like

25:11I'm gonna know for help

25:29What the fuck's going on do you want to see it going forward well, I need to because at the

25:35moment I just feel angry

25:39Okay, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards then let's see if you understand it after that

25:43If we get some sweets and then you eat one and I can tell which one it is by the

25:49way you're chewing

25:50For real man for real. I'm not even playing with you. Well, that's quite cool. I'm so good at that

25:55game. Yeah, let go

26:02It's in right start chewing it

26:11Is it this

26:15Is it this

26:21It's not going to plan

26:30I only had seven goes and I got it on the eighth one pleased yeah if we were holding hands

26:36I would have got it on the first one

26:37Mm-hmm

26:44Okay, what's going on here because that's not a known game it is me my friend play all the time

26:51and I always win

26:55Only with him because you have to have a connection do you know what it didn't work because muppet features

27:00over there had glasses on

27:01Oh

27:01It was why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off because I

27:17I thought

27:17Any of us he doesn't bring them. Do you call the police on it?

27:21I think one left to see greats. Yeah, it's Jason manzuka

27:39Oh

27:44Locked door lockpick set

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Taskmaster - S19E01 - Sometimes Spit [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full

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