- 2 hours ago
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1988) [Full Movie] [English Subs]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip, somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight, while the
00:00:16moon is bright.
00:00:20He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys, to give the goniest of the girls and boys so did.
00:00:28Santa comes on big.
00:00:32He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most, when all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast.
00:00:38Dad, you're gonna flip when old Santa Nick plays a lick on a peppermint stick.
00:00:45He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place, and fill the stockings by the fireplace.
00:00:50So you'll have your lips cool.
00:00:59Ken-Rats
00:01:22Oh, my God.
00:01:53Yeah, he's gonna have a bag of crazy toys
00:01:57To get the tallest of the moon as a boy, and so did Santa comes on big
00:02:06He'll come a-calling when the snow's the most
00:02:09When all the cats are sleeping warm as toast
00:02:12And you're gonna flip for an old St. Nick
00:02:16Blaze a lick on the bevelman's dick
00:02:19He'll come a-fly it from a high place
00:02:22And fill the stockets by the fireplace
00:02:25So you, have you let's cool
00:02:31Have you let's cool
00:02:41Hey, Dom
00:02:42Hey, Jake
00:02:43Hi
00:02:43Hi, Z
00:02:4512.32.14
00:02:4712.32.14
00:02:50How'd that hike?
00:02:51Jake, thank God, let me out
00:02:53Did you get my mail?
00:02:55Math test
00:02:59Hey, minus
00:03:01All right, you made it look just good enough
00:03:03You score me those backstage passes to Dave Matthews at the Coliseum?
00:03:07Oh, that's my man
00:03:09All right
00:03:10Uh, 12.32
00:03:12Uh, what was that last number again, Ian?
00:03:15168?
00:03:1614, Jake
00:03:1614
00:03:17All right, all right
00:03:18Calm down, I got you
00:03:22Thanks, Jake
00:03:22You're welcome
00:03:23Now, Ian, what is the deal with you being sardined into your locker again?
00:03:27It was Eddie Taffin and his troglodyte trio
00:03:29They're bugged about the phony IDs we sold them
00:03:32All right, I'll take care of them later
00:03:33Right now, I need you to get on the net
00:03:34Change that ticket
00:03:35My dad got me to New York
00:03:37Into two seats to Cabo San Lucas
00:03:38Okay
00:03:39Will you be taking Allie?
00:03:41Working on that now
00:03:45Morning, ladies
00:03:46Hi, Jake
00:03:48Do those things really work?
00:03:49Yeah, I want to see
00:03:50No, no, no, it's okay
00:03:57Hi
00:04:02Ah, zone defense, huh?
00:04:05Guess I'm not going to be able to get in
00:04:07Unless
00:04:08What's this?
00:04:10Cherry crunch
00:04:10Would I bring you anything else?
00:04:19Sierra
00:04:20I'm sure that tastes good here
00:04:21But I bet it would taste even better someplace else
00:04:23Shoo-shoo
00:04:45Hey
00:04:47Oh, hi
00:04:48What are you doing here?
00:04:50Well, you always said you wanted to see
00:04:51What it would be like to wake up next to me
00:04:53Ooh, good line
00:04:56Premeditated or spontaneous?
00:04:58Oh, totally off the cuff
00:04:59I was inspired by the lovely side of you drooling on your French book
00:05:03I wasn't drooling
00:05:04I was sleeping
00:05:07Sleeping!
00:05:08I can't sleep, I've got to study
00:05:10You were studying
00:05:11Subliminally in your sleep
00:05:12You were absorbing it off the page through osmosis
00:05:14Not funny
00:05:15Give me that
00:05:16Look, Jake
00:05:17My final is in three hours
00:05:19And you're here just distracting me
00:05:20So would you please get out of here
00:05:22Okay, okay, suit yourself
00:05:23I just wanted to let you know
00:05:24There's a freak storm outside
00:05:26Looks like it's snowing
00:05:28Snowing
00:05:28We're in the middle of Southern California
00:05:30It's not snow
00:05:33My God
00:05:36It's snowing
00:05:39Jake, you lunatic
00:05:41Where did you get a snow machine?
00:05:45Oh, hey, Ian
00:05:46Hey, Allie
00:05:51It's a white Christmas, just like home
00:05:53And here's a little Christmas cheer
00:05:57Eggnog, my mother makes this from scratch
00:05:59And one more thing
00:06:02More?
00:06:02Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
00:06:05Just read it
00:06:07Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas
00:06:09Christmas on the beach
00:06:12Amazing
00:06:13Well, I knew you'd be
00:06:15Pissed
00:06:18This is the most inconsiderate thing I've ever heard
00:06:20I have plans that are important to me, Jake
00:06:22Allie, it's not like I'm asking you to sleep in a port-a-potty
00:06:24This is a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean
00:06:27Forget it, Jake
00:06:28You know I'm driving home with Sierra to visit my family
00:06:30So tell him what I told my dad last year
00:06:32You're going to be stuck in the gym eight hours a day
00:06:33For the next two weeks
00:06:34In preparation for your appearance
00:06:36In the Ultimate Fighting Championship
00:06:38That's what you told him?
00:06:39Well, sure
00:06:40And then when he found out I really wanted to stay here and surf
00:06:42He was so relieved he didn't argue
00:06:44But I want to go home
00:06:46I want a traditional Christmas
00:06:47With snow and stockings and eggnog and carolers
00:06:51I just thought we could have some fun this Christmas
00:06:54No, you just thought that you could have some fun
00:06:56But what about everybody else?
00:06:58My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home
00:07:00And what about your dad?
00:07:02And your sister and Carolyn?
00:07:04You know, bringing up my dad's new wife
00:07:06Just drains me of all my Christmas spirit
00:07:09Look, all I'm saying is
00:07:10Don't you think it's about time you went home?
00:07:14Hey there, looking good today
00:07:17Thanks, Eddie
00:07:18You're looking nice today, too
00:07:20I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson
00:07:23Hey, Allie
00:07:23What kind of perfume are you wearing today?
00:07:25Excuse me?
00:07:26Because I got three words for you
00:07:28New, car, smell
00:07:30And it would smell so good on you
00:07:31Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
00:07:33Eddie
00:07:34I got one word for you
00:07:36Beamer
00:07:41You've got to be kidding me
00:07:44Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:46You are too close to the vehicle
00:07:49Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:52So it's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room, right?
00:07:55And it's me and the Murph Man
00:07:57And the Ed Man
00:07:58And the Ken Man, right?
00:07:59And we were waiting in line for like half the night, right?
00:08:02And the bouncer, he finally gives us the nod
00:08:04So we go over there
00:08:05And debut our brand new IDs
00:08:08And the dude goes
00:08:09Bye-bye
00:08:11And no one
00:08:12No one says
00:08:13Bye-bye
00:08:14To the Brant Man
00:08:15Fellas, fellas, fellas
00:08:17What can I say?
00:08:18My subcontractor's been slacking off
00:08:20But I want to make this up to you
00:08:22I have a foolproof method
00:08:24That'll guarantee you
00:08:25Ace your history, finally
00:08:27But if you'd rather see your grades crash and burn
00:08:29It's up to you
00:08:34No cost, right?
00:08:36Of course there's no cost for the answers
00:08:38I couldn't do that to you guys
00:08:39You guys are my buds
00:08:41However, there is a nominal fee
00:08:43For the Viper Rental
00:08:51Wilkinson residence
00:08:52Oh, I'm sorry
00:08:54He can't come to the phone right now
00:08:55He's busy accessorizing
00:08:58Oh, okay
00:08:59Jake, it's your dad
00:09:03See ya
00:09:11Dad, hey
00:09:12How are things at the office?
00:09:14Fine
00:09:14We're all off for the holidays
00:09:16I sent everybody home at noon today
00:09:17Great
00:09:18Getting ready for ski season?
00:09:20Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed
00:09:22Look, Jake
00:09:23I'm calling to find out about you
00:09:24Are you, uh
00:09:25Still planning on coming home for Christmas?
00:09:28Gosh, you know
00:09:29I'd like to
00:09:29But I gotta stick around campus
00:09:31And finish up that extra credit lab work
00:09:33Because I got a call from my travel agent
00:09:35He says that the ticket I sent you
00:09:37Was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas
00:09:39He says somebody sabotaged his computer file
00:09:43What kind of a world are we living in?
00:09:46Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?
00:09:49Who would do such a thing?
00:09:50Where will it end, Dad?
00:09:51Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California
00:09:54But you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died
00:09:58I think it's time that we become a family again
00:10:02Dad, Dad, Dad
00:10:03If you were 18 years old
00:10:05Where would you rather be for Christmas?
00:10:06At home with your family
00:10:08Or in Cabo on the beach with a beautiful girl
00:10:11Allie's parents say she's coming home just like always
00:10:15I just really want you home, son
00:10:18Me too
00:10:19Ask this Carol
00:10:19No
00:10:21And Tracy
00:10:22We all want you home
00:10:24Well, I just don't think I can get there
00:10:28Not even if I, uh
00:10:31Give you the Porsche
00:10:33Excuse me?
00:10:36The Porsche?
00:10:38The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:40The same 1957 Porsche
00:10:42That we rebuilt by hand together
00:10:43With the KidGlove interiors and the original paint?
00:10:45The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:48I'll tell you what
00:10:48If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner
00:10:51Six o'clock, Christmas Eve
00:10:53The car's yours
00:10:54Six o'clock, not one minute past
00:10:56You understand?
00:10:57Yes, sir
00:10:58We'll see you then
00:10:59Great, bye
00:11:03You are mine
00:11:06All mine
00:11:09Okay, uh
00:11:10He cashes in the tickets
00:11:12And you offer him a bribe
00:11:15Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
00:11:17Yeah
00:11:17Yeah, I do
00:11:18But
00:11:19But what?
00:11:22Jake's coming home for Christmas
00:11:29Okay, I gotta go back, you guys
00:11:30I'll see you in an hour
00:11:32Nice try, but no chance
00:11:39Must be defective
00:11:41You know, I estimated it'd be another five hours
00:11:44Until you tried to make up
00:11:45Huh
00:11:46That's funny
00:11:46Because I estimate
00:11:48That it takes five hours
00:11:49To fly to Larchmont, New York
00:11:51I thought you cashed your ticket in for Cabo
00:11:53I cashed it back in
00:11:55For two tickets to New York
00:11:56Will you please accept my apology
00:11:58And come home with me for Christmas?
00:12:04You're unbelievable
00:12:05Tell me about it
00:12:06Ripley's doing a special on me
00:12:08So
00:12:08Why the sudden change of heart?
00:12:11Well, I guess you kind of got to me
00:12:12With all that sentimental family stuff
00:12:14Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around
00:12:16Hey, if you don't have family
00:12:18What do you have, right?
00:12:20So you want to come over
00:12:21And help me pack?
00:12:25No, I can't
00:12:26I gotta go tutor some jocks
00:12:28Oh, you're such a compassionate man
00:12:30I am a giver
00:12:32Pick you up tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock
00:12:34Okay
00:12:41This better work
00:12:47Run
00:12:56Look out, look out
00:12:57Hey
00:13:04What's taking him so long?
00:13:11Sorry, Ms. Peterson
00:13:12Coach likes to stay in touch
00:13:15Shh
00:13:16Shh
00:13:16Shh
00:13:17Shh
00:13:17Shh
00:13:22I don't know.
00:14:01And when you're driving a Porsche, it's like you have a relationship with it.
00:14:04Like it knows you and it's listening and just responding.
00:14:08That is so true.
00:14:09And downshifting, you don't know what downshifting can do to downshift it in a Porsche.
00:14:13You are a lucky man, Wilkinson.
00:14:15That is so true.
00:14:18So, uh, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
00:14:20I'm instantly.
00:14:21Well, I think that's all about to change.
00:14:27Something wrong, fellas?
00:14:29You think you're some kind of wise guy, right?
00:14:31You think it's real funny to make us look like morons, right?
00:14:33What are you talking about?
00:14:35The beepers, dipstick.
00:14:37Ian, where's Ian?
00:14:39Twelve, thirty-two, fourteen.
00:14:42Oh, man.
00:14:45Look, I'm sure there's some explanation for this.
00:14:47Let me make a couple phone calls.
00:14:48No, I think we're done explaining.
00:14:52Boys?
00:14:53Come on, guys.
00:14:55Fellas, fellas.
00:15:02All right, see you guys later.
00:15:03Have a good break.
00:15:04See you.
00:15:05Yeah.
00:15:08All right, Jake.
00:15:09Where are you?
00:15:21I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
00:15:44Oh, God.
00:15:46I wish I were dead.
00:15:50I said I wished I were dead.
00:15:58What the?
00:16:05Let's see you sweet talk your way out of this one.
00:16:07Eddie and the boys.
00:16:09It's the last time I do business with those guys.
00:16:13Go on, get out of here.
00:16:18Ow!
00:16:20You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks?
00:16:25That, too?
00:16:27This is not acceptable!
00:16:29This is not acceptable!
00:16:41Sit.
00:16:43Roll over.
00:16:45Die.
00:16:47Hmm.
00:16:53Hey, it's Jake.
00:16:54You found me.
00:16:56Idiot!
00:16:58Who's an idiot?
00:16:59I am.
00:17:00Jake Flaked, huh?
00:17:02What a surprise.
00:17:04Well, lucky for you, the Ed Man's here to the rescue,
00:17:07so what do you say we blow this popsicle stand
00:17:09because I got butt warmers in the seats?
00:17:11You're loving this, aren't you?
00:17:14Pretty much, yeah.
00:17:17Okay, let's go.
00:17:18All right!
00:17:19Oh, no, no, no, no, allow me.
00:17:21I got it, I got it.
00:17:23The ultimate in irony.
00:17:25Seventeen Academy kids are driving back east this winter,
00:17:28and I get a ride with you.
00:17:30Just the two of us,
00:17:31riding the crest of destiny's rainbow,
00:17:34sharing, caring,
00:17:37pair for the ages.
00:17:39Okay, hold on.
00:17:40First, the ground rules.
00:17:42If you say too many stupid things like that,
00:17:44I'll have to slug you.
00:17:45If you say anything nasty about Jake,
00:17:47I'll have to slug you.
00:17:48If you try to feel me up,
00:17:50I'll have to slug you.
00:17:51If you make me listen to any sexist, racist,
00:17:54or homophobic jokes,
00:17:56I'm gonna have to slug you.
00:17:58And finally,
00:17:59I might just have to slug you from time to time
00:18:01simply because I find the prospect
00:18:02of driving across the country with you
00:18:04incredibly stressful!
00:18:06All right.
00:18:07Sounds like a party to me.
00:18:11So, what should we listen to?
00:18:13Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
00:18:15I'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
00:18:17Cut the crap, Eddie.
00:18:18I'm already in the car.
00:18:20All right, let's burn this baby.
00:18:21New York, go!
00:18:31They'll be singing,
00:18:34gonna be singing,
00:18:37Christmas carols
00:18:39by the old charell.
00:18:43Celebrating,
00:18:46congregating,
00:18:47and exchanging greetings
00:18:49by the old charell.
00:18:53There'll be lots of little children
00:18:56and how thick their eyes will be
00:18:58till they see what Santa loves.
00:19:01and stuff around the tree.
00:19:04There'll be merry,
00:19:06singing those merry,
00:19:09Christmas carols
00:19:11by the old pharell.
00:19:16Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:17You got the machine.
00:19:18You know the...
00:19:18Allie, it's me.
00:19:20Listen, I am so sorry.
00:19:29Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:30Desert Santa Buzzer Tumbleweed.
00:19:33This totally sucks.
00:19:36You got a mean disposition for a Santa.
00:19:40I need to make another phone call.
00:19:42Long distance?
00:19:44What from here
00:19:46is not long distance?
00:19:58Hello?
00:19:59Tracy, it's Jake.
00:20:01Oh, hi.
00:20:02Where are you?
00:20:03I'm in the middle of nowhere
00:20:04dressed like Santa Claus
00:20:06being attacked by a killer Tumbleweed.
00:20:08Cool.
00:20:09Get me, Dad.
00:20:10When did I become your slave?
00:20:11The day you were born.
00:20:14Oh, right.
00:20:16Oh, Dad.
00:20:18It's the prodigal son.
00:20:21Hello?
00:20:23Hello, Father.
00:20:24Dad.
00:20:25Jake, you sound funny.
00:20:26Are you at the airport?
00:20:28Well, I've had some setbacks,
00:20:30but if you wire me some money,
00:20:32I'll make it home for Christmas.
00:20:33Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?
00:20:36He's in the middle of nowhere
00:20:37dressed as Santa Claus
00:20:38being attacked by a killer Bumblebee.
00:20:40That's Tumbleweed.
00:20:41Otherwise, it's just like she said.
00:20:43That is the worst alibi
00:20:45in a long line of bad alibis, Jake.
00:20:47But it's all true.
00:20:49That's what you always say.
00:20:50I know,
00:20:51but I really need your help
00:20:52if I'm going to make it home on time.
00:20:54Now, look,
00:20:54we had a deal.
00:20:55It is up to you
00:20:56to get yourself home
00:20:57on Christmas Eve
00:20:58or you can forget about the Porsche.
00:21:00Dad?
00:21:04Excuse me.
00:21:06I couldn't help overhearing.
00:21:08You're trying to get home for Christmas
00:21:10and your father won't help you?
00:21:13Oh, it's not that.
00:21:14It's just...
00:21:19He's so worried about the operation.
00:21:21He's not thinking clearly.
00:21:24Operation?
00:21:26Yeah.
00:21:26The whole family chipped in
00:21:29and got him a triple bypass for Christmas.
00:21:31I sent home every last dollar
00:21:33I earned working
00:21:34as a shopping mall Santa.
00:21:37The operation's on Christmas Eve.
00:21:39And now I won't be home
00:21:40until after the anesthesia wears off.
00:21:44Oh, dear.
00:21:47You know,
00:21:48me and the girls are driving to Vegas
00:21:51to see Tom Jones.
00:21:53We're Tom Tom girls.
00:21:55You want to ride with us?
00:21:57Do you have
00:21:58What's New Pussycat?
00:21:59Do we have
00:22:01What's New Pussycat?
00:22:03What's New Pussycat?
00:22:05Whoa!
00:22:07What's New Pussycat?
00:22:09Whoa!
00:22:10Whoa!
00:22:13Could, uh,
00:22:14could we crack open a window?
00:22:16Do you think it's funny
00:22:17how easily old people
00:22:19can catch pneumonia?
00:22:20Do you think that's a joke?
00:22:22Ha, ha, ha!
00:22:23No.
00:22:24It's just,
00:22:24I had a hard night
00:22:25and I'm not feeling so well.
00:22:27Hey!
00:22:28Get out of there!
00:22:30Aw.
00:22:31Darlene!
00:22:32Mama's teeth
00:22:33have fallen out of her mouth again.
00:22:35Just wedge them back in, dear.
00:22:38Okay, Santa Claus.
00:22:40Make yourself useful
00:22:41and just put those
00:22:42right back in her mouth.
00:22:44Uh, gherkins, anyone?
00:22:47Oh, for Pete's sake.
00:22:50Oh, well, that's lovely.
00:22:53What happened?
00:22:54Santa just yammied
00:22:56in your handbag.
00:22:57There he goes again.
00:22:59Well, stop him!
00:23:00Okay, here, Santa.
00:23:03Santa, get up!
00:23:05Ow!
00:23:07Did I hurt you, Santa?
00:23:10Good.
00:23:11All right, Buster.
00:23:13Out you get.
00:23:14Out you get out!
00:23:16Get out of here!
00:23:17Get out of here, you!
00:23:20And take your beard with you!
00:23:22Oh, never heard of Santa.
00:23:24Imagine yammeing
00:23:26in my sister's handbag!
00:23:36There you go, there's a five.
00:23:40Desert Santa Buzzard Tumbleweed.
00:23:43Desert Santa Buzzard Tumbleweed.
00:23:45Oh, oh, oh, I love this game.
00:23:47Pick which word is not like the others.
00:23:48Uh, Santa.
00:23:50No, idiot.
00:23:51It's a message Jake left on my machine.
00:23:54Wow.
00:23:56Bizarre, huh?
00:23:56Bizarre, huh?
00:24:01Thanks.
00:24:11Allie?
00:24:15Eddie?
00:24:17Eddie.
00:24:18Eddie.
00:24:21Eddie.
00:24:27Oh, my God.
00:24:30Allie!
00:24:31What's wrong with you?
00:24:33Uh, we gotta go.
00:24:34We're just way behind schedule.
00:24:37Allie, wait!
00:24:39Allie!
00:24:41Stop!
00:24:43Wait!
00:24:53I'll have a blue Christmas
00:24:59without you
00:25:03I'll be so blue
00:25:06just thinking
00:25:09about you
00:25:16Decorations
00:25:17A red
00:25:19on a green
00:25:23Christmas tree
00:25:26It won't
00:25:27mean a thing
00:25:30if you're not here
00:25:33I would mean
00:25:35This is the worst day of my life.
00:25:39Snowflakes
00:25:41And it just got worse
00:25:45That's when those blue
00:25:49Memories
00:25:51Start calling
00:25:56You'll be doing
00:25:58All right
00:26:00All right
00:26:02With your Christmas
00:26:03All right
00:26:05All right
00:26:07But I'll have
00:26:08A blue
00:26:10Blue, blue
00:26:28With your Christmas
00:26:32Oh, oh, oh
00:26:33Oh, oh, tubby
00:26:35Secret fat man
00:26:35Handshake
00:26:36All right
00:26:38You know, confidentially speaking
00:26:40Just between us Santas
00:26:42Don't you ever get tired
00:26:43Of wearing this suit
00:26:44I mean, every year
00:26:45It's the same suit
00:26:45Red, red, red, red, red
00:26:47I mean, does any guy
00:26:48Really look good in red?
00:26:50I don't think so
00:26:53Got room on the sled
00:26:54For two
00:26:55Thanks
00:26:56I really appreciate it
00:26:58You're a pal
00:27:00You
00:27:01Ugh
00:27:06Ugh
00:27:08Ugh
00:27:09Ugh
00:27:10Ugh
00:27:10Ugh
00:27:32Whoa
00:27:33You're not so cute in the morning
00:27:35I'm kind of glad nothing happened
00:27:37Ow
00:27:38You just slugged me
00:27:40As per our agreement
00:27:46Wake up, chief
00:27:48Time to feed the reindeer
00:27:54All right
00:27:54I'm going
00:27:55I'm going
00:27:56Ugh
00:27:58Ugh
00:28:04Here comes Saddle
00:28:06Here comes Saddle
00:28:08Right
00:28:08Down Saddle's land
00:28:10Six
00:28:11Seven
00:28:12Seven
00:28:12Alaves
00:28:13Reindeer
00:28:14Pulling on the rain
00:28:16Wells are ringing
00:28:18Till anything
00:28:19All is merry and bright
00:28:22Hang your stockings
00:28:24And say good prayer
00:28:25Hi there
00:28:28Yeah, merry Christmas you too
00:28:30Come Saddle's ride
00:28:32Down Saddle's land
00:28:35He's gonna bang up
00:28:36Hell with toys for boys and girls again
00:28:40Come Saddle's
00:28:41Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle
00:28:44All is merry and bright
00:28:48Or is this
00:28:49Here comes the
00:28:51Of course you hate
00:28:52Bang
00:28:52I love you
00:28:53To the
00:28:54To the
00:28:54To the
00:28:55To the
00:28:55To the
00:28:55To the
00:28:55To the
00:28:56To the
00:28:56To the
00:28:56To the
00:28:57To the
00:29:09To the
00:29:09Oh, man, I went and killed Santa.
00:29:32Oh, no.
00:29:35Santa!
00:29:39Santa!
00:29:41Oh, thank God.
00:29:52Hang on, Santa, I'm coming.
00:29:55I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
00:29:57Hold on, hold on.
00:30:01Ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:30:04Am I alive?
00:30:05Sir, I have never been happy to answer that question in my life.
00:30:09Yes, you are alive!
00:30:12You been asked that question before?
00:30:14Oh, maybe 10, 12 times.
00:30:22Don't keep going.
00:30:24Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, wake up now.
00:30:28Oh, yippee-ya-yoo.
00:30:30Oh, yippee-ya-yay.
00:30:32Oh, yippee-ya-yay.
00:30:33Oh, yippee-ya-yoo.
00:30:52What I'm getting at is, what does Jake have that I haven't gotten?
00:30:58It's the stuff he comes up with.
00:31:01Funny things.
00:31:03Amazing things.
00:31:04Things that just give me the chills.
00:31:06Yeah, give me an example of one of these chills things, huh?
00:31:10Okay.
00:31:13Okay, there was this one time I was feeling really bad.
00:31:15It was just a really down day, and Jake took my hand in his, and being really sweet, he said,
00:31:23not even the rain has such small hands.
00:31:27Not even the rain has such small hands?
00:31:31What a nerd!
00:31:32It's E.E. Cummings.
00:31:34Huh?
00:31:36Poetry, Eddie?
00:31:38And that gave you chills?
00:31:40You wouldn't understand.
00:31:45Allie?
00:31:46What?
00:31:49Not even the corn had such big ears.
00:31:53Oh, that's beautiful. I'm really moved, Eddie.
00:31:55Oh, look, because if it's poetry you want, I got it, baby.
00:31:59There once was a man from Nantucket.
00:32:01Just drive the car, Eddie.
00:32:09Man, oh man, I was sure you were a goner.
00:32:12Nolan, it's been two hours. I can't have this conversation with you anymore.
00:32:17What conversation?
00:32:18The one where you go, you were sure I was a goner, and I go, yeah, that was really a
00:32:21close one.
00:32:22Oh.
00:32:23Okay.
00:32:28Hey, that's a Pathfinder. Catch up with them.
00:32:30Who's them?
00:32:31My girlfriend.
00:32:33No kidding? All the way out here?
00:32:36Wait a minute.
00:32:37Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car? With another guy?
00:32:41Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa and letting some other guy down the chimney?
00:32:46Why that two-time and ho?
00:32:48Uh, Nolan, reality check?
00:32:50Mm-mm.
00:32:51You say no more, Santa. I'm after them.
00:33:02Nolan, I said catch them. Try not to kill us.
00:33:05All right, all right.
00:33:08No one, there's a cop behind us with his lights on. Slow down.
00:33:12Aw, man.
00:33:13Cops make me nervous. I'm gonna make a run for it.
00:33:16What are you, nuts?
00:33:17Look, my daddy always said, it's better to go out in a blaze of glory than to rot in a
00:33:21state correctional facility.
00:33:24Ha, let me guess you're about to tell me the stuff in the back's stolen, right?
00:33:30I won't if you don't want me to.
00:33:33Stop the car, Nolan.
00:33:35Stop the... Stop the car.
00:33:43All right, come on, Jake. Think, think, think, think, think.
00:33:46I know. Put this on. Act like my elf.
00:33:49Uh, all right, all right. How do elves act?
00:33:52I don't know. Happy.
00:33:55Happy.
00:34:07Merry Christmas, officer.
00:34:08Problem?
00:34:10You in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
00:34:12Well, that's my fault. Busy time of year for me.
00:34:15Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:16I'm an elf.
00:34:18So it seems.
00:34:19Do you realize you were going 79 in a 65 mile per hour zone?
00:34:23You should try catching me in my sleigh.
00:34:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:28You see, officer, my elf Snowpuff and I are heading to the children's hospital in the next town.
00:34:34You mean Redcliff?
00:34:35Yeah, Redcliff. Exactly.
00:34:36To distribute toys to the youngsters.
00:34:39You know, I'm sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit, but every second counts to a bedridden
00:34:43child.
00:34:46All right. I'll tell you what. No more speeding. Okay, Santa?
00:34:5165 stay alive.
00:34:53Merry Christmas.
00:34:55Thank you, officer.
00:34:57And that is how the big boys do it.
00:35:00You know what?
00:35:02My shift ends in a few minutes. Why don't you follow me? I'll get you there in no time.
00:35:09So that's how the big boys do it?
00:35:11Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:14Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:22So close, yet so far.
00:35:33Please stay in the car. Please stay in the car. Please stay in the car. Please stay in the...
00:35:36Oh, man. I guess he couldn't hear you.
00:35:46Hey, thank you, officer.
00:35:47Say, uh, do you all mind if I go in there with you?
00:35:49I kind of like to see the kids' faces, you know, when you give them their gifts.
00:35:54The more the merrier.
00:35:57And they want a pony and a Barbie Dreamhouse and Lightbrite Deluxe and...
00:36:02Now, that's all great stuff, but Santa's gonna give you something even better.
00:36:06A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster with exclusive AccuToast sensor for consistent toasting time after time.
00:36:12Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of the usual two.
00:36:19Okay, thank you, Santa.
00:36:20You're welcome.
00:36:21But, Santa, this toaster was already promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
00:36:29Hand it over to the kids' snowpuff.
00:36:35All right, let's get this line moving. Who's next?
00:36:39All righty. And what do you want for Christmas?
00:36:43And finally...
00:36:44Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
00:36:48And what's your name, little boy?
00:36:50Esteban.
00:36:51Esteban.
00:36:52All right, let's see what we have here today for Esteban.
00:36:58Look at this.
00:37:00A Eureka Boss Cordless Rechargeable Vacuum Cleaner.
00:37:03No, thank you.
00:37:07Well, uh, I don't know what else I have here for you, buddy.
00:37:11What do you want for Christmas?
00:37:13To go home.
00:37:18I want to be with mi mamá, mi papá, mi hermana Maribel, mi hermano Mario, tío Carlos y mi tío
00:37:27Ramón, tía Cristina, tía María, grandmothers and grandfathers and my dog, Sorrito, and have Christmas tree and lights and angels
00:37:40and Christmas cookies.
00:37:42With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding and Christmas carols and...
00:37:49Oh, sugar doll, I miss you so much. I don't want to offend stolen goods no more. I just want
00:37:54to beg you to come home for Christmas.
00:37:56Please, Marjorie, you know I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know how I'm gonna get through the holidays
00:38:00without you.
00:38:00I just need to talk to my dad or Tracy. Are either of them there?
00:38:06Oh, gee, your dad and Tracy went to the mall. It's just me holding down the fort.
00:38:12Uh-huh.
00:38:12We are all so excited you're coming home. We've got the tree all set up. It looks great. And I've
00:38:19just been shopping and cooking and cooking and shopping.
00:38:23Speaking of which, your sweater size. Are you a... you're a 38, right?
00:38:29Yeah, I guess.
00:38:31Where are you now? Are you on your way home?
00:38:34Yeah, look, I gotta run. So, uh, you take care now. Okay?
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Bye.
00:38:41Bye.
00:38:54I gotta tell you, Santa, sir, although I've only been your elf for a very short time, I feel like
00:38:59a new man. Changed.
00:39:01Do I look changed to you?
00:39:06Well, maybe you've changed on the inside where it counts.
00:39:09Yeah, that's it. I've changed on the inside and I'm going home for Christmas.
00:39:15Home? I thought you were going east.
00:39:17Nope, back the other way.
00:39:18But, Nolan, I saved your buck back down the road. Don't you think you owe me something?
00:39:23Uh, yes, I do.
00:39:28Didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.
00:39:30Oh!
00:39:32Merry Christmas!
00:39:36What?
00:39:36Can I have a word with you?
00:39:38What is it?
00:39:39Well, it's my wife, Marjorie. She left me last month.
00:39:42And, well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas, I know we could start again.
00:39:47Why are you telling me this?
00:39:48She won't listen to me. But I got a hunch she might listen to Santa.
00:39:51See, if you walked into the restaurant where she works and asked her to forgive me, I know she'd come
00:39:56home.
00:39:57She left you, right?
00:39:58Yeah.
00:39:59So, where's your dignity? Don't go crawling back to her. Let her come groveling back to you.
00:40:04Yeah, maybe you're right. Why drive all the way to Nebraska just to get slammed again?
00:40:09Wait, Nebraska? As an easter here?
00:40:12It's about a six-hour trip.
00:40:14What's the matter with you, man? You love her enough to marry her, but you won't take a little drive.
00:40:20So, Max, what'd you do that made your wife so mad that you'd take a job 300 miles away?
00:40:24Uh, I stayed out at Smitty's till three one morning.
00:40:28Doesn't seem so bad.
00:40:30With an old girlfriend.
00:40:33All right, here's the deal. If I get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, you buy me a bus ticket
00:40:37to New York.
00:40:38If you can get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.
00:40:44All right.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:49Looking good.
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51I got kind of a weird call from Jake while you were out.
00:40:54He didn't say where he was calling from, but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.
00:40:58I hope he's gonna make it okay.
00:41:00There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car.
00:41:05Oh, my God! There's a scratch! There's a scratch!
00:41:07Where? Where?
00:41:08Get a wife, Dad.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:19Uh...
00:41:20Well...
00:41:22She's ready for you, son.
00:41:25Wherever you are.
00:41:35There she is, right there.
00:41:37Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
00:41:41Yeah, no doubt. So what do you want me to tell her?
00:41:43That if she doesn't come home, I'll die.
00:41:48Good. Die!
00:41:49Now, don't you think you're being a little bit harsh now, Marjorie?
00:41:52Harsh? After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?
00:41:57Well, you know, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right? Like brother-sister.
00:42:00There was tongue.
00:42:02There was not!
00:42:04There was too, you big pig!
00:42:06Everybody saw it!
00:42:07Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her. It was the Eggermeister!
00:42:12We made a commitment, Max, to honor and obey for better or for worse.
00:42:17Okay, this is worse.
00:42:19Ugh! He really burns my biscuits.
00:42:21Let me handle this one, okay, Max?
00:42:25Don't you think you should give Max another chance?
00:42:27I mean, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.
00:42:29He kissed her. How do you misunderstand that?
00:42:32Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.
00:42:35You know, it's just like this other couple I know.
00:42:37We're all upset about a misunderstanding.
00:42:39Oh, yeah? What's wrong with them?
00:42:40Well, they had a trip planned to go back east, and he canceled last minute
00:42:43because he wanted to take her to Cabo San Lucas for Christmas instead.
00:42:46But she thought he was being selfish, which was a misunderstanding.
00:42:50No, it wasn't. He sounds like a jerk.
00:42:51No, he's not.
00:42:53I mean, if she had understood, she would have realized
00:42:55that the guy's got a stepmother that he doesn't like very much.
00:42:57Well, what's wrong with the stepmother?
00:42:59Well, the dad married her only ten months after his wife died.
00:43:02She must be a babe.
00:43:04Why is this guy mad at the stepmother? It's not her fault.
00:43:07Don't you think ten months is a little soon?
00:43:09No, she's a babe.
00:43:12Look, what does any of this have to do with me and Max?
00:43:16Misunderstandings can be overcome if both people just try.
00:43:20Look, right now Max is sitting out there with a broken heart, and all he's asking for is a second
00:43:25chance.
00:43:26Just give him another shot.
00:43:30Hey, Marge.
00:43:32Sounds about a topper on this coffee.
00:43:35You know what? I've got a job to do.
00:43:44How'd it go?
00:43:45Well, you know what a swirly is?
00:43:47You mean when somebody jams your head in a toilet bowl and flushes it?
00:43:50Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:52Now get in there. Say something romantic.
00:43:55Huh?
00:43:56Something apologetic?
00:43:59Something in English!
00:44:02Here's us!
00:44:03All right already!
00:44:14I got an idea.
00:44:28Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:41Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:53I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night.
00:45:01I hope that singing this song will make everything all right.
00:45:09You're not the only one.
00:45:11Oh, Marjorie, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby.
00:45:23I'll make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree.
00:45:31Anyway, see?
00:45:37You're my wife, I'd give my life if you'd just come home.
00:45:57Now on your knees
00:45:59Now on your knees
00:46:01No, we don't sing it
00:46:08Marjorie, I'm so sorry, baby
00:46:11Won't you please
00:46:29Here's your ticket
00:46:30Your bus will be here in ten minutes
00:46:33Thanks, thank you
00:46:40Well, see ya
00:46:42Hey, Santa
00:46:43Yeah
00:46:44I, uh, I hope that other couple you know
00:46:47Works through their misunderstandings
00:46:51Me too
00:46:55Well, they're a couple
00:46:57No, it doesn't matter
00:46:59It's just you and me, baby
00:47:08You know what I've always wondered?
00:47:11What?
00:47:12Out of all the planets in the universe
00:47:14How is it that this is the only one
00:47:17That spawned intelligent life?
00:47:20Yeah
00:47:22You know what I always wonder about?
00:47:24What's that?
00:47:25How come more breakfast joints
00:47:26Don't serve your food right in the skillet
00:47:29Like Denny's
00:47:29I mean, think about it
00:47:30They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds
00:47:32Right in the pan, man, that rocks
00:47:34Or like when a homeless guy
00:47:35He comes up to you and he says he's the messiah
00:47:37And then he asks you for money
00:47:38And you're just like
00:47:39You know, you just want to walk away
00:47:40But then you think to yourself
00:47:42What happens if he is the messiah
00:47:44And I'm just blowing the dude off
00:47:47Think about it
00:47:49I take back what I said about intelligent life on earth
00:47:56Hey, look at that
00:47:59Oh, Velveeta, come on now
00:48:02That's why we have to stay there
00:48:04Come on
00:48:05Where would you rather go?
00:48:06Another dumpy motel
00:48:08Or a fake Bavarian village
00:48:09In the middle of nowhere
00:48:11I don't think it's very Eddie
00:48:13Well, I think it's totally Eddie
00:48:15It's completely cheesy
00:48:17And trying to be cool
00:48:19When are you going to stop being mean to the Ed man, huh?
00:48:22When do you stop referring to yourself in the third person?
00:48:39Maybe I should just go with it
00:48:50Hey
00:48:51Hey
00:48:53Check this out
00:48:54Tell me what's better
00:48:56Ho, ho, ho
00:48:57Merry Christmas
00:48:59Ho, ho, ho
00:49:00Merry Christmas
00:49:02Ho, ho, ho
00:49:03Merry Christmas
00:49:06Well, the first one's good for really little kids
00:49:09Like my sister
00:49:10Who's three
00:49:11And the second one's good for big kids
00:49:14Like my friends and me
00:49:15And the third one's good if you want to scare people
00:49:18And watch them run away screaming
00:49:22Okay, cool, thanks
00:49:23Whatever
00:49:24Whatever
00:49:53Well, look at that.
00:49:55The clockman is sexually harassing the clock lady. How typical.
00:50:00Uh, don't witness it. You might have to testify.
00:50:04Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
00:50:07I'm a witty guy. I mean, you think this astonishing physique is all the Ed-Man has to offer, huh?
00:50:13Well, take this, Ed-Man.
00:50:17Oh, my God, you're dead. You're so dead. I'm gonna get it so bad. Oh, my God.
00:50:25This is Wendy Richards reporting live from Adelbrook, Iowa, site of the Strudelstrasen and world-famous human clock.
00:50:31Now, the temperature outside stands at 31 degrees, but, of course, the temperature's always a little bit warmer underneath the
00:50:37mistletoe arch.
00:50:38And, uh, here's a couple now. I hope you kids know where you're standing.
00:50:48I'll kill him.
00:50:49Your attention, please. Bus 33 to New York is now boarding. All passengers with tickets, please proceed to Kerr.
00:50:59Hey, I think you just stopped being mean to me.
00:51:17Excuse me. Conway?
00:51:18Get behind the yellow line.
00:51:20Hey, just a second. I need to ask you a favor.
00:51:21Just get behind the yellow line.
00:51:23I realize you're on a schedule, but it being the holidays and all.
00:51:26I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a small detour to Adelbrook.
00:51:28I think everyone would really enjoy it.
00:51:30But I wouldn't.
00:51:32But what if we...
00:51:33No.
00:51:33How about we...
00:51:34No.
00:51:34But...
00:51:35No.
00:51:36Got it.
00:51:41That is very good.
00:51:43Look at that.
00:51:45Here, why don't you try using the yellow line?
00:52:02Sorry, we only had one room left tonight. It'd been Christmas and all. But, uh, I think you'll find it's
00:52:07very special.
00:52:12Feel coming to your honeymoon suite.
00:52:35Is this yours?
00:52:37Hmm? No. Not yours either.
00:52:41Whose is it?
00:52:45Human liver?
00:52:47Organ donation? Oh, my God. We've got a live liver here.
00:52:51It says, deliver to Allie Henderson in Adelbrook, ASAP. You think it's real?
00:52:55Let's take a look.
00:52:57Oh, we move.
00:52:58We need to get to Adelbrook.
00:53:01Okay, everybody sit down.
00:53:04What the hell is wrong with you, man?
00:53:06Dude, get behind the yellow line.
00:53:07Don't give me your lip.
00:53:08I don't believe you, man.
00:53:10There's a little girl in Adelbrook that needs a liver transplant.
00:53:14We gotta schedule the key.
00:53:15Schedule Schmedjul.
00:53:16Shame on you.
00:53:17This isn't about schedules, man. It's the gift of life. The greatest Christmas gift ever. And we've even got Santa
00:53:24to bring it to her.
00:53:25This is a non-stop bus to New York.
00:53:27This is happening for a reason. We were put on this bus to take this organ to Adelbrook.
00:53:33Adelbrook! Adelbrook! Adelbrook! Adelbrook! Adelbrook!
00:53:36Hey, okay! Okay!
00:53:38You think I don't care about that little girl?
00:53:41Well, you're wrong.
00:53:42We're going to Adelbrook, all right, but because I say we are.
00:53:46Hey, hey, hey! Now, everybody behind the yellow line and sit up!
00:53:57It's funny, Adelbrook.
00:53:59I never thought I'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you, and yet somehow with you here, I
00:54:03feel safe.
00:54:05You want me to put on any more clothes?
00:54:08Nah, that should be fine.
00:54:10Good night, Addy.
00:54:11Good night.
00:54:23I'm giving you ten minutes!
00:54:25You fired that girl, Santa!
00:54:27Go, Santa! Go, Santa! Go, Santa! Go, Santa! Go, Santa! Go, Santa! Go, Santa! Go, Santa!
00:54:31Everybody shut up!
00:54:47Hi. Can you tell me if there's an Ali Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
00:54:51I'm sorry, Santa. I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
00:54:54Listen, ma'am. I have a full plate of activities tonight.
00:54:57Not to mention a pesky Grinch who has kidnapped Mrs. Claus in an attempt to make my life miserable.
00:55:01I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
00:55:04Policy? Policy does not apply to me. I override policy. I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:12Sleigh Phillips is a Siegelist.
00:55:13While the team has helped all of us, let us see the story on theirinterest.
00:55:15Oh, let me know what I wish.
00:55:19Because some ladies say to say to myself,
00:55:20I love to know where we are my muscles face.
00:55:21I don't know where I'm from here, but I will...
00:55:33Maybe I'll give you some Intpanism, that would've gone for me,
00:55:35but one of them all 40 minutes for me like that.
00:55:36But I'm afraid I'll give you somefashionedTuans.
00:55:36I'll give you a meer of my favorite muscle for?
00:55:38I polskie Grinch the mat downpost.
00:55:57Maintenance.
00:56:02Where is he?
00:56:04Jake, what are you doing here?
00:56:07Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
00:56:08I had to hijack a bus. Eddie and his buddies left me in the desert like this the other night.
00:56:14Desert Santa buzzard tumbleweed.
00:56:16So what gives with you kissing that slimy moron?
00:56:19It's not what you think.
00:56:21Jake, what are you doing here, bud? This love nest is full.
00:56:24Calm down, Jake. Nothing happened.
00:56:26Where's the trust, man?
00:56:28I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag.
00:56:30He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds. Big deal.
00:56:33It was more like five seconds.
00:56:36And they were good.
00:56:40Fal. Fighting Fal.
00:56:45How could you let that idiot give you a ride?
00:56:47I thought you left me high and dry. What was I supposed to do? Beam myself home?
00:56:51Allie, I was stuck in the desert. I couldn't get to you.
00:56:54I had no choice.
00:56:58Okay, forgive you.
00:57:08So, you still mad at me?
00:57:10Yo, if anyone should be mad here, it's me.
00:57:12Okay, because I've had to listen to non-stop Natalie Merchant, E.Z. Cummings.
00:57:16It's E.E. Cummings.
00:57:17I have been stuck in a Santa suit for two days, fighting off buzzards, dentures, and thugs in lederhosen.
00:57:23I'm tired, I'm hungry, I stink, and because of you, I'm not going to be home by six o'clock
00:57:27tonight.
00:57:29Why do you have to be home by six o'clock?
00:57:32What's that?
00:57:34You heard the question, why do you have to be home by six?
00:57:39Because that's when dinner will be ready?
00:57:41Ow!
00:57:42If you have even one decent chromosome in your DNA, you will not lie to me right now, Jake.
00:57:48All right.
00:57:51It's just that, if I get home by then, my dad's going to give me the Porsche.
00:57:58The Porsche.
00:57:59Allie, let me...
00:58:00Wait!
00:58:01So you didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car.
00:58:04It's not like that!
00:58:05You two deserve each other.
00:58:11Allie, wait.
00:58:13Will you just stop and listen to me?
00:58:15Look, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn't mention the stupid car.
00:58:20What?
00:58:21I was kidding!
00:58:22You don't care about anybody but yourself.
00:58:24You're a manipulator and a liar.
00:58:26I am not a liar.
00:58:27Hey, wait a minute.
00:58:28You're the girl who needs the transplant?
00:58:30Is that what Santa told you?
00:58:33Uh-huh.
00:58:35Right.
00:58:36I'm taking his place on the bus.
00:58:38No, wait.
00:58:38Allie, give me another chance.
00:58:40Why?
00:58:41Because I care about you.
00:58:43You gotta believe me.
00:58:45Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh, I wouldn't believe you.
00:58:50Allie, I'm sorry.
00:58:52You know, I can't take fake remorse from a fake Santa making fake apologies.
00:58:56You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake, but I'll tell you one thing.
00:59:00You're a genuine butthole.
00:59:05Bye, Santa.
00:59:26I got a road.
00:59:28The one I love is gone.
00:59:31I got a road.
00:59:34Oh, man.
00:59:35I've seen guys get dumped before, but that was nuclear.
00:59:37I mean, she wasn't even aiming at me, and I'm gonna be walking funny for like a week.
00:59:41How do girls do that?
00:59:42I don't know.
00:59:43It's like that whole chick verbal skills thing.
00:59:45It's deadly.
00:59:47Oh, man, you know what?
00:59:48I gotta tell you, bro, I would have never thought I'd ever help you out.
00:59:52After that massacre, man, I just wouldn't be human.
00:59:55God, I never thought I'd be driving home with you either.
00:59:57It's pretty wild.
00:59:58Oh, it sure is.
01:00:00All right, now I get home in time to get the Porsche.
01:00:02I'll drive it back to school in January, figure out how to get Allie back.
01:00:05Everything's gonna be great.
01:00:07Thanks, Edman.
01:00:10Sure.
01:00:12Sure.
01:00:13Sure.
01:00:15Sure.
01:00:15Sure.
01:00:16Sure.
01:00:17Get out.
01:00:17What?
01:00:19All that stuff you just said.
01:00:21I'm sorry, man.
01:00:22I just can't do that much good stuff for another person, you know?
01:00:26It'd be way bad for my rep.
01:00:27What are you talking about?
01:00:28I mean, what about that stuff you just said about being human, helping out another guy and me?
01:00:32Dude, I just took you to Wisconsin.
01:00:35Besides, what am I doing helping you out so you can get a Porsche and be cooler than me?
01:00:40Not very smart.
01:00:42Not very Eddie.
01:00:49Uh, you're, uh, gonna have to take that off first.
01:00:51Yeah, I know that.
01:01:05Father Christmas, just tell me what you want from me.
01:01:19Better hurry!
01:01:49It's called carbo loading.
01:01:51Best thing you can do before a race like this.
01:01:55Hi.
01:01:56I'd like a number, please.
01:01:57Okay, that'll be a $10 entrance fee.
01:01:59You know I nailed that in.
01:02:01Oh, okay.
01:02:02So we sent you a receipt.
01:02:04Yes, yes, you did.
01:02:06But, you see, here's the dilly.
01:02:08There was a house fire and everything got torched.
01:02:10You know, personal papers, family photos, that little clay handprint ashtray I made when I was three.
01:02:16Oh, tragic tale.
01:02:18I'll come to the kid.
01:02:20Hey, thanks.
01:02:21Jake Wilkinson.
01:02:22Jeff Wilson.
01:02:24Here's your hat and beard.
01:02:26You gotta have them on when you cross the finish line or you'll be disqualified.
01:02:29Here we go again.
01:02:34Can anyone in this race actually run?
01:02:37Well, Sparky Fanaloni won the state marathon ten years ago.
01:02:40That was before the two-pack-a-day habit and subsequent lung removal.
01:02:45Okay, let's go.
01:02:46Give us a run for our money.
01:02:48Kenyon?
01:02:49Yes.
01:02:51All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:54All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:58See you at the finish line.
01:02:59All right.
01:03:00Go Santas, go!
01:03:02Woo-hoo!
01:03:04Go Santas!
01:03:07Santas!
01:03:08For your mark!
01:03:12On your mark!
01:03:15Get set!
01:03:17Go Santas!
01:03:22Yes!
01:03:22Woo!
01:03:22Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:03:28Oh!
01:03:29The Earth of the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind.
01:03:35Run, run, Rudolph, right? Nothing too far behind.
01:03:41Run, run, Rudolph, Shannon's got to make you down.
01:03:47Shannon makes you look down, he can take you through and down.
01:03:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:03:53Run, run, Rudolph, cause I really like a merry-go-round.
01:03:59Hey, jingle balls, move your candy canes.
01:04:11Go, Shannon, go!
01:04:12Go, Shannon!
01:04:21Go, Shannon!
01:04:22Go, Shannon!
01:04:22Go, Shannon!
01:04:23Find a cookie?
01:04:24That's it!
01:04:26Go, Shannon!
01:04:31Oh, yeah!
01:04:32Go, Shannon!
01:04:36Go, Shannon!
01:04:43Go, Shannon!
01:04:45Get up!
01:04:47I couldn't see her!
01:04:48Go, Shannon!
01:04:49Go!
01:04:50Go, Shannon!
01:04:51Oh, yeah!
01:04:52Oh, yeah!
01:04:53Go, Shannon!
01:04:54Oh, yeah!
01:04:56Oh!
01:04:56Well, that's the end of that.
01:05:02Or not
01:05:05Looks like it's just you and me now
01:05:08Ready to make a run for it?
01:05:10I was born ready
01:05:13Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:15Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:20Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:23Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:26Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:37Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:39Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:43Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:46Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:50Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:50Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:51Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:55Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:02Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:07Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:08Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:09Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:09Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:09Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:10Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:12Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:27Jake, Jake, thank God, dude, they're gonna try to arrest me, they're gonna try to arrest
01:06:31me.
01:06:31Come down and meet me at the station, please, man, I'm sick.
01:06:35Taxi!
01:06:38Santa says take me to the airport.
01:06:48One, one hundred, two, one hundred, three, one hundred.
01:06:56Hey there, all right.
01:06:58Hey, you're the kid who beat Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.
01:07:01Yep, that's me.
01:07:03Wait a minute, Mayor Wilson?
01:07:05Oh, you didn't know?
01:07:06Well, he wins every year, a lot of us folks wish he'd won this year, too.
01:07:09Yeah, he seemed like a good guy.
01:07:11Keeps the potholes filled, huh?
01:07:13Yeah, he keeps the potholes filled.
01:07:14He also donates his entire winnings every year to buy turkeys for people who can't afford
01:07:18him.
01:07:22He had to be the mayor.
01:07:28Can you turn around, please?
01:07:37I'll be right back.
01:08:01Hey.
01:08:04When did Santa start using the mailbox?
01:08:06Oh, didn't you hear about the new work exchange?
01:08:08Postman?
01:08:10Postman should be coming down your chimney a little later.
01:08:13You got some place to go?
01:08:15Yeah, it's Christmas Eve.
01:08:17Who doesn't?
01:08:20I could set a place for you.
01:08:23No, thanks.
01:08:24I'll be fine.
01:08:27Jake.
01:08:29Merry Christmas.
01:08:31You too.
01:08:51Yes, operator, it's collect from Jake.
01:08:55Tracy, accept the...
01:08:58My, my dear brother, you are sounding slightly stressed.
01:09:01Is it the bumblebees again?
01:09:02Look, Tracy, I'm not gonna make it home and I want you to tell Dad, okay?
01:09:06What do you mean you're not gonna make it home?
01:09:08Is this about Carolyn?
01:09:09No.
01:09:11It's about being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no money.
01:09:15The rate I'm going, I'll show up sometime in January, so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year,
01:09:18and I'll see you around.
01:09:20Wait, what about the Porsche?
01:09:22What about it?
01:09:24Wow, you really must be in trouble.
01:09:27Would you fly home right now if you could?
01:09:30Uh, like, yeah.
01:09:31I've got at least four years of birthday money stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag.
01:09:35If I went to a ticket agent right now and bought you a plane ticket home,
01:09:39you'd make it in time for Christmas, right?
01:09:41You'd do that for me?
01:09:43No.
01:09:44I'd do it for Dad.
01:09:46Plus, think of the incredible pleasure I'll have holding this over your head for the rest of our lives.
01:09:51Okay, fine, whatever you want.
01:09:52I'm near Madison, Wisconsin.
01:09:54I'll hitch a ride to the airport.
01:09:55I'll see you soon.
01:09:56Wait, uh, I don't have any idea.
01:09:58How am I gonna pick up the ticket?
01:10:00Hmm.
01:10:00I know.
01:10:01I'll make up a secret password to go with your reservation that only you would know.
01:10:05Great.
01:10:05What's it gonna be?
01:10:06I am a smelly and revolting jerk who doesn't deserve to live,
01:10:09and my sister is a mad cool goddess.
01:10:11Bingo.
01:10:12Wilkinson, comma, Jake.
01:10:14Hm.
01:10:14It's an unusual password.
01:10:16Unusual everything.
01:10:17So, what time's the flight leave?
01:10:18In 20 minutes.
01:10:20I'll need to see a picture ID.
01:10:21Well, I just gave you my password.
01:10:23That's right, sir, but I can't let you on the plane without proper identification.
01:10:26Then what was the point of my password?
01:10:28I don't make the rules, sir.
01:10:30It's just...
01:10:30Policy.
01:10:31I know.
01:10:34Next.
01:10:37Oh...
01:10:41Hi.
01:10:46Hello.
01:10:47Hello.
01:10:48Hello!
01:10:49Hello.
01:10:49Hello.
01:10:50Hello.
01:10:52Hello.
01:11:03Good, Ringo. Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo. Good, Ringo.
01:11:10Fat Ringo, fat Ringo.
01:11:21Hey, hey, Billy. Get him.
01:11:24Hurry.
01:11:25Move. Come here.
01:11:27Get him away.
01:11:28Come on.
01:11:30No.
01:11:31Oh, no.
01:11:32No.
01:11:33No.
01:11:33Oh, my God.
01:11:35Stop.
01:11:36Oh, my God.
01:11:49Excuse me, come over. Excuse me.
01:12:01Merry Christmas, Santa. Got a ticket?
01:12:04No.
01:12:08The station is held. Next stop, New Rochelle, followed by Larchmont.
01:12:12Larchmont.
01:12:23Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
01:12:27He still has 15 minutes.
01:12:34Hey.
01:12:35Hey, hey, hey.
01:12:38Hey, lady.
01:12:39Give me a ride?
01:12:40Please?
01:12:44Hey, give Santa a ride?
01:12:46Yeah.
01:12:48Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:12:51No.
01:12:52No.
01:12:53No.
01:12:54No.
01:12:55No.
01:12:55No.
01:12:57No.
01:12:58No.
01:12:58No.
01:12:59No.
01:13:08I understand the class.
01:13:21Wait!
01:13:21Wait, wait.
01:13:22No, no, no.
01:13:22Don't turn left.
01:13:23Don't turn left.
01:13:24Are you ok?
01:13:25Don't turn.
01:13:26Go straight.
01:13:27Hey!
01:13:50All right, everybody, who's going to vote for the day to go?
01:13:57Package, people, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:00I repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:03You unwrap yourself, you are out of my parade.
01:14:06Do I make myself clear?
01:14:15Hey!
01:14:16Hey!
01:14:17All right.
01:14:18What do you think you're doing?
01:14:19Hey!
01:14:21Buddy!
01:14:26I could have swore I parked that sleigh right here.
01:14:30Silent night, all is night.
01:14:38All is calm, all is bright.
01:14:46Round yon virgin, mother and child.
01:14:52What?
01:14:53What?
01:14:53What?
01:14:55Sorry!
01:15:04Come on, Jake.
01:15:06You can make it.
01:15:12Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:15:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
01:15:21whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
01:15:21whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
01:15:22whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
01:15:27whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
01:15:29whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
01:15:48Nice ride.
01:15:50Thanks.
01:15:51Just got him back from the shop.
01:15:53Alves upgraded his shoes to the new Firestone radials.
01:15:58Not bad.
01:15:59Maybe you should have thought about snow tires.
01:16:04You know, you said even if Santa showed up on your doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh,
01:16:09you still wouldn't believe that I cared about you.
01:16:13So I don't expect this to work.
01:16:16But I gotta give it a shot.
01:16:18I mean, you know, I'm not the real Santa, and contrary to all appearances, this is not a real sleigh.
01:16:28But, Allie, for all the times I've been a genuine jerk,
01:16:33this is a real apology.
01:16:36If you'll accept it.
01:16:40I might.
01:16:45And this
01:16:48is a real kiss.
01:17:10Come with me to my house.
01:17:11I have to be there in two minutes.
01:17:12Is this still about the worst?
01:17:13Just come with me.
01:17:14But I don't want to.
01:17:15Don't.
01:17:16trust me.
01:17:18I don't want to.
01:17:20I don't want to.
01:17:24I don't want to.
01:17:54What time is it?
01:17:57It's 5.59.
01:17:58You made it.
01:18:01Yeah, I guess I did.
01:18:03Tell me when it's after 6, okay?
01:18:06What do you mean?
01:18:07Aren't you going in?
01:18:09No, not yet.
01:18:11But I thought...
01:18:12Shh, shh, shh.
01:18:13Just watch.
01:18:16Watch what?
01:18:18My family.
01:18:42Well, guess it's about time I went home for Christmas.
01:18:45Care to join me?
01:18:47You bet.
01:18:50All right.
01:18:58Hey, everybody.
01:18:59Merry Christmas.
01:19:02You made it.
01:19:06Hey, you made it.
01:19:10Glad you're here.
01:19:11Me, too.
01:19:13Did you have a hard time getting here?
01:19:14Oh, piece of cake.
01:19:16What's, uh, what's with this Santa suit?
01:19:19Long story, Dad.
01:19:21Hey.
01:19:21Hey, uh, hi.
01:19:22Oh, you stink.
01:19:25Farting dog cargo hold longer story.
01:19:28Well, son, she's yours.
01:19:32But, Dad, I didn't make it home on time.
01:19:34Don't be silly.
01:19:34You were just a few seconds left here.
01:19:36No, no, no, deal's a deal.
01:19:38Besides, she isn't ready yet.
01:19:40What do you mean?
01:19:41Well, we're not really finished fixing her up yet, are we?
01:19:44I mean, I'm sure it's gonna take us a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done.
01:19:49Don't you think?
01:19:51Yeah.
01:19:5230 or 40, at least.
01:19:5636.
01:19:58Excuse me?
01:19:59My sweater says I'm a 36, or a medium.
01:20:02Either will work.
01:20:05What's yours?
01:20:07Mine?
01:20:09Yeah, you know, for, uh, future information.
01:20:14Eight.
01:20:16Eight.
01:20:18I'll remember that.
01:20:21What the heck is that?
01:20:23That would be my parade.
01:20:25Excuse me?
01:20:26Excuse me?
01:20:37Wait a minute.
01:20:39That's our sled.
01:20:41That's the guy.
01:20:43Come on!
01:20:49Hey, buddy.
01:20:50You stole our sleigh.
01:20:52You're just so lucky you're wearing that suit.
01:20:56You know, a few days ago, I might not have agreed with you.
01:20:59Nice wings.
01:21:01Thanks.
01:21:02Took a sewing class.
01:21:04It shows.
01:21:06Peace.
01:21:07Okay.
01:21:09Come on, Santa.
01:21:10Give me a ride home.
01:21:10Let's all go for a ride.
01:21:11Come on.
01:21:13Oh, I love it.
01:21:14I've never been in a sleigh before.
01:21:15You better be careful.
01:21:16It's a rental.
01:21:17Woo!
01:21:21Let's go for a ride car.
01:21:22Let this buggy rip, bro.
01:21:23No!
01:21:24Yeah, come on!
01:21:26Oh, God.
01:21:27Take it!
01:21:28Run!
01:21:30Run!
01:21:34Oh!
01:21:37Run!
01:21:37Run!
01:21:38Run!
01:21:40Run!
01:21:40Run!
01:21:42Run!
01:21:42Run!
01:21:42Run!
01:21:42Run!
01:21:43Run!
01:21:43Run!
01:21:46Run!
01:21:46Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:21:53Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:22:06We've been waiting all here for this ride.
01:22:12When the snow is glistening on the trees outside.
01:22:16And all the stockings are hung by the fireside.
01:22:22Waiting for Santa to arrive.
01:22:27And all the love will show.
01:22:29As everybody knows, it's Christmas time.
01:22:33And all the kids will see the gifts under the tree.
01:22:38It's the best time of year for the family.
01:22:42It's a wonderful feeling.
01:22:44And the love in the room on the floor to the ceiling.
01:22:48It's that time of year.
01:22:50Christmas time is here.
01:22:53And with the blessings from above.
01:22:55God sent you his love.
01:22:57And everything's okay.
01:22:59Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:23:03Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:23:20See you next time.
01:23:21And everybody's playing, cause school's out, celebrating, special times we share, happiness cause love is in the air, and all
01:23:36the love will show, cause everybody knows, it's Christmas time and all the kids will see, gifts under the tree,
01:23:46it's just the best time of year for the family.
01:23:51It's a wonderful feeling, with the love in the room, from the floor to the ceiling, it's that time of
01:23:58year, Christmas time is here, and the blessings from above, God sent you his love, and everything's okay, Merry Christmas,
01:24:09Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holiday.
01:24:21Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holiday.
01:24:29No matter what's your holiday, it's a time to celebrate.
01:24:37Put your worries aside, and open up your mind, cause you do all right, fine.
01:24:43Your time is Christmas time.
01:24:47Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday.
01:25:09It's that time of year, it's that time of year, Christmas time is here, and the blessings from above, God
01:25:17sent you his love, and everything's okay, Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday.
01:25:23Come on now, Merry Christmas, let me hear ya.
01:25:28Merry Christmas, and happy holidays.
01:25:33Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, oh yeah.
01:25:37Merry Christmas, and happy holidays.
01:25:42Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.
01:25:50Peace!
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