- 2 hours ago
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1988) [Full Movie] [Full Storyline]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip, somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight, while the
00:00:16moon is bright.
00:00:20He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys, to give the goniest of the girls and boys so did.
00:00:28Santa comes on big.
00:00:32He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most, when all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast.
00:00:38Dad, you're gonna flip when old Santa Nick plays a lick on a peppermint stick.
00:00:45He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place, and fill the stockings by the fireplace.
00:00:50So you'll have your lips cool.
00:01:00I'llとって.
00:01:25touchscreen
00:01:54He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:02:11He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:02:27He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:00He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:11He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:13He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:17He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:45Good morning, ladies.
00:03:46Hi, Jake.
00:03:48Do those things really work?
00:03:49Yeah, I want to see.
00:03:50No, no, no.
00:03:50It's okay.
00:03:57Hi.
00:04:02Ah, zone defense, huh?
00:04:05Guess I'm not going to be able to get in, unless...
00:04:08What's this?
00:04:10Cherry crunch?
00:04:11Would I bring you anything else?
00:04:19Sierra?
00:04:20I'm sure that tastes good here, but I bet it would taste even better someplace else.
00:04:23Shoo-shoo.
00:04:45Hey.
00:04:46Oh, hi.
00:04:48What are you doing here?
00:04:50Well, you always said you wanted to see what it would be like to wake up next to me.
00:04:54Ooh, good line.
00:04:56Premeditated or spontaneous?
00:04:58Oh, totally off the cuff.
00:04:59I was inspired by the lovely side of you drooling on your French book.
00:05:03I wasn't drooling.
00:05:04I was sleeping.
00:05:07Sleeping.
00:05:08S-s-s-I-I can't sleep.
00:05:09I've got to study.
00:05:10You were studying, uh, subliminally in your sleep.
00:05:12You were absorbing it off the page through osmosis.
00:05:14Not funny.
00:05:15Gimme that.
00:05:16Look, Jake.
00:05:17My final is in three hours, and you're here just distracting me.
00:05:20So would you please get out of here?
00:05:22Okay, okay.
00:05:23Suit yourself.
00:05:23I just wanted to let you know there's a freak storm outside.
00:05:26Looks like it's snowing.
00:05:28Snow.
00:05:29We're in the middle of Southern California.
00:05:31It's not snow.
00:05:33My God.
00:05:36It's snowing.
00:05:39Jake, you lunatic.
00:05:41Where did you get a snow machine?
00:05:45Oh, hey, Ian.
00:05:47Hiya.
00:05:47Holly.
00:05:51It's a white Christmas, just like home.
00:05:54And here's a little Christmas cheer.
00:05:57Eggnog.
00:05:57My mother makes this from scratch.
00:05:59And one more thing.
00:06:02More?
00:06:03Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
00:06:05Just read it.
00:06:07Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas, Christmas on the beach.
00:06:12Amazing.
00:06:13Well, I knew you'd be pissed.
00:06:18This is the most inconsiderate thing I've ever heard.
00:06:20I have plans that are important to me, Jake.
00:06:22Allie, it's not like I'm asking you to sleep in a port-a-potty.
00:06:25This is a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean.
00:06:27Forget it, Jake.
00:06:28You know I'm driving home with Sierra to visit my family.
00:06:30So tell him what I told my dad last year.
00:06:32You're gonna be stuck in the gym eight hours a day for the next two weeks in preparation for your
00:06:35appearance in the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
00:06:38That's what you told him?
00:06:39Well, sure.
00:06:40And then when he found out I really wanted to stay here and surf, he was so relieved he didn't
00:06:43argue.
00:06:44But I wanna go home.
00:06:46I want a traditional Christmas with snow and stockings and eggnog and carolers.
00:06:51I just thought we could have some fun this Christmas.
00:06:54No, you just thought that you could have some fun.
00:06:56But what about everybody else?
00:06:58My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home.
00:07:01And what about your dad? And your sister and Carolyn?
00:07:04You know, bringing up my dad's new wife just drains me of all my Christmas spirit.
00:07:09Look, all I'm saying is don't you think it's about time you went home?
00:07:14Hey there. Looking good today.
00:07:17Thanks, Eddie. You're looking nice today, too.
00:07:20I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson.
00:07:23Hey, Allie, what kind of perfume are you wearing today?
00:07:25Excuse me?
00:07:26I guess I got three words for you.
00:07:28New, car, smell, and it would smell so good on you.
00:07:31Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
00:07:33Eddie, I got one word for you.
00:07:36Beamer.
00:07:39Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:41You've got to be kidding me.
00:07:44Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:46You are too close to the vehicle.
00:07:49Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:52So it's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room, right?
00:07:55And it's me and the Murph Man and the Ed Man and the Ken Man, right?
00:07:59And we were waiting in line for like half the night, right?
00:08:01And the bouncer, he finally gives us the nod.
00:08:04So we go over there and debut our brand new IDs.
00:08:08And the dude goes, buh-bye.
00:08:11And no one, no one says buh-bye to the Brant Man.
00:08:16Fellas, fellas, fellas, what can I say?
00:08:18Hey, my subcontractor's been slacking off, but I want to make this up to you.
00:08:22I have a foolproof method that'll guarantee you ace your history, finally.
00:08:27But if you'd rather see your grades crash and burn, it's up to you.
00:08:34No cost, right?
00:08:36Of course there's no cost for the answers.
00:08:38I couldn't do that to you guys. You guys are my buds.
00:08:41However, there is a nominal fee for the Viper rental.
00:08:51Wilkinson residence.
00:08:53Oh, I'm sorry. He can't come to the phone right now.
00:08:56He's busy accessorizing.
00:08:58Oh, okay. Jake, it's your dad.
00:09:03See ya.
00:09:11Dad, hey. How are things at the office?
00:09:14Fine. We're all off for the holidays.
00:09:16I sent everybody home at noon today.
00:09:18Great. Getting ready for ski season?
00:09:20Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed.
00:09:22Look, Jake, I'm calling to find out about you.
00:09:24Are you, uh, still planning on coming home for Christmas?
00:09:28Gosh, you know, I'd like to, but I gotta stick around campus
00:09:31and finish up that extra credit lab work.
00:09:33Because I got a call from my travel agent.
00:09:35He says that the ticket I sent you was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas.
00:09:39He says somebody sabotaged his computer file.
00:09:43What kind of a world are we living in?
00:09:46Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?
00:09:49Who would do such a thing? Where will it end, Dad?
00:09:52Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California,
00:09:54but you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died.
00:09:58I think it's time that we become a family again.
00:10:02Dad, Dad, Dad. If you were 18 years old, where would you rather be for Christmas?
00:10:06At home with your family or in Cabo on the beach with a beautiful girl?
00:10:11Allie's parents say she's coming home just like always.
00:10:15I just really want you home, son.
00:10:18Me, too.
00:10:19Ask this Carolyn.
00:10:20No.
00:10:21And Tracy. We all want you home.
00:10:24Well, I just don't think I can get there.
00:10:28Not even if I, uh, give you the Porsche?
00:10:33Excuse me?
00:10:36The Porsche?
00:10:38The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:40The same 1957 Porsche that we rebuilt by hand together with the Kid Glove interiors and the original paint?
00:10:45The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:48I'll tell you what.
00:10:49If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner, 6 o'clock, Christmas Eve, the car's yours.
00:10:556 o'clock, not one minute past. You understand?
00:10:57Yes, sir.
00:10:58We'll see you then.
00:11:00Great. Bye.
00:11:03You are mine.
00:11:06All mine.
00:11:09Okay. Uh, he cashes in the tickets and you offer him a bribe.
00:11:15Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
00:11:17Yeah. Yeah, I do. But...
00:11:20But what?
00:11:22Jake's coming home for Christmas.
00:11:29Okay, I gotta go back, you guys. I'll see you in an hour.
00:11:32Okay, okay. Bye.
00:11:37Nice try, but no chance.
00:11:39Hmm. Must be defective.
00:11:41You know, I estimated it'd be another five hours till you tried to make up.
00:11:45Huh. That's funny.
00:11:46Because I estimate that it takes five hours to fly to Larchmont, New York.
00:11:51I thought you cashed your ticket in for Cabo.
00:11:53I cashed it back in for two tickets to New York.
00:11:56Will you please accept my apology and come home with me for Christmas?
00:12:04You're unbelievable.
00:12:05Tell me about it. Ripley's doing a special on me.
00:12:08So, why the sudden change of heart?
00:12:10Well, I guess you kinda got to me with all that sentimental family stuff.
00:12:14Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around.
00:12:16Hey, if you don't have family, what do you have, right?
00:12:19So you wanna come over and help me pack?
00:12:25No, I can. I gotta go tutor some jocks.
00:12:28Oh, you're such a compassionate man.
00:12:30I am a giver.
00:12:32Pick you up tomorrow morning, eight o'clock.
00:12:34Okay.
00:12:41This better work.
00:12:47Run.
00:12:56Look out, look out!
00:12:57Hey!
00:13:04What's taking him so long?
00:13:10I'm sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:13:12Coach likes to stay in touch.
00:13:32I'm sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:13:55I'm sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:13:58What'd you do?
00:13:59I'm sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:14:00I'm sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:14:01Oh, my God.
00:14:01What'd you do?
00:14:02hail for two o'clock.
00:14:04Like it knows you, and it's listening, and just responding.
00:14:07That is so true.
00:14:09And downshifting? You don't know what downshifting can do to downshift it in a Porsche.
00:14:13You are a lucky man, Wilkinson.
00:14:15That is so true.
00:14:18So, uh, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
00:14:20Immensely.
00:14:21Well, I think that's all about to change.
00:14:27Something wrong, fellas?
00:14:29You think you're some kind of wise guy, right?
00:14:30You think it's real funny to make us look like morons, right?
00:14:33What are you talking about?
00:14:35The beepers, dipstick.
00:14:37Ian, where's Ian?
00:14:39Twelve! Thirty-two! Fourteen!
00:14:42Oh, man!
00:14:45Look, I'm sure there's some explanation for this. Let me make a couple photographs.
00:14:48No, I think we're done explaining.
00:14:52Boys?
00:14:53Come on, guys. Fellas, fellas.
00:15:02All right, see you guys later. Have a good break.
00:15:08All right, Jake, where are you?
00:15:21I'm dreaming of a white Christmas with every Christmas card I try.
00:15:35May those days, may your days, may your days be merry and bright.
00:15:44Oh, God. I wish I were dead.
00:15:50I said I wished I were dead.
00:15:58What the?
00:16:05Let's see you sweet-talk your way out of this one.
00:16:07Eddie and the boys.
00:16:09It's the last time I do business with those guys.
00:16:13Go on, get out of here.
00:16:18Ow!
00:16:20You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks?
00:16:25The hat, too?
00:16:27This is not acceptable!
00:16:41Sit.
00:16:43Roll over.
00:16:45Die.
00:16:52Hey, it's Jake. You found me.
00:16:56Idiot!
00:16:58Who's an idiot?
00:16:59I am.
00:17:00Jake Flaked, huh?
00:17:02What a surprise.
00:17:04Well, lucky for you, the Ed Man's here to the rescue,
00:17:07so what do you say we blow this popsicle stand,
00:17:09because I got butt warmers in the seats?
00:17:11You're loving this, aren't you?
00:17:14Pretty much, yeah.
00:17:17Okay, let's go.
00:17:18All right!
00:17:19Oh, no, no, no, no, allow me.
00:17:21I got it, I got it.
00:17:23The ultimate in irony.
00:17:25Seventeen Academy kids are driving back east this winter,
00:17:28and I get a ride with you.
00:17:30Just the two of us,
00:17:31riding the crest of Destiny's Rainbow,
00:17:34sharing, caring,
00:17:37pair for the ages.
00:17:39Okay, hold on.
00:17:40First, the ground rules.
00:17:42If you say too many stupid things like that,
00:17:44I'll have to slug you.
00:17:45If you say anything nasty about Jake,
00:17:47I'll have to slug you.
00:17:48If you try to feel me up, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:51If you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes,
00:17:56I'm gonna have to slug you.
00:17:58And finally, I might just have to slug you from time to time,
00:18:01simply because I find the prospect of driving across the country with you
00:18:04incredibly stressful!
00:18:06All right, sounds like a party to me.
00:18:11So, uh, what should we listen to?
00:18:13Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
00:18:15I'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
00:18:17Cut the crap, Eddie. I'm already in the car.
00:18:19All right, let's burn this baby!
00:18:21New York fans!
00:18:23New York fans!
00:18:30They'll be singing, gonna be singing, Christmas carols by the old parade.
00:18:44Celebrating, congregating, and exchanging greetings by the old parade.
00:18:53There'll be lots of little children, and I think their eyes open.
00:18:58Say you love birds.
00:18:59They'll see what Santa left around the tree.
00:19:03They'll be merry, singing those merry, Christmas carols by the old parade.
00:19:16Hey, it's Allie, you got the machine, you know the...
00:19:19Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so so...
00:19:29Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:30Desert Santa Buzzer Tumbleweed!
00:19:33This totally sucks.
00:19:36You got a mean disposition for a Santa.
00:19:40I need to make another phone call.
00:19:42Long distance?
00:19:44What from here is not long distance?
00:19:58Hello?
00:19:59Tracy, it's Jake.
00:20:01Oh, hi.
00:20:02Where are you?
00:20:03I'm in the middle of nowhere dressed like Santa Claus being attacked by a killer Tumbleweed.
00:20:08Cool.
00:20:08Get me, Dad.
00:20:10When did I become your slave?
00:20:11The day you were born.
00:20:14Oh, right.
00:20:16Oh, Dad.
00:20:18It's the prodigal son.
00:20:21Hello?
00:20:23Hello, Father.
00:20:24Dad.
00:20:25Jake, you sound funny.
00:20:26Are you at the airport?
00:20:28Well, I've had some setbacks, but if you wire me some money I'll make it home for Christmas.
00:20:33Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?
00:20:36He's in the middle of nowhere dressed as Santa Claus being attacked by a killer bumblebee.
00:20:40That's Tumbleweed.
00:20:41Otherwise, it's just like she said.
00:20:43That is the worst alibi in a long line of bad alibis, Jake.
00:20:47But it's all true.
00:20:49That's what you always say.
00:20:50I know, but I really need your help if I'm gonna make it home on time.
00:20:54Now look, we had a deal.
00:20:55It is up to you to get yourself home on Christmas Eve or you can forget about the Porsche.
00:21:00Dad?
00:21:04Uh, excuse me.
00:21:06I couldn't help overhearing.
00:21:08You're trying to get home for Christmas and your father won't help you?
00:21:12Oh, it's not that.
00:21:14It's just...
00:21:19He's so worried about the operation.
00:21:21He's not thinking clearly.
00:21:24Operation?
00:21:26Yeah.
00:21:27The whole family chipped in and got him a triple bypass for Christmas.
00:21:31I sent home every last dollar I earned working as a shopping mall Santa.
00:21:37The operation's on Christmas Eve.
00:21:39And now I won't be home until after the anesthesia wears off.
00:21:44Oh dear.
00:21:47You know, me and the girls are driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones.
00:21:52We're Tom Tom girls.
00:21:55You wanna ride with us?
00:21:57Do you have What's New Pussycat?
00:21:59Do we have What's New Pussycat?
00:22:03Watch New Pussycat.
00:22:05Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:22:07Watch New Pussycat.
00:22:09Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:22:13Could, uh, we crack open a window?
00:22:16Do you think it's funny how easily old people can catch pneumonia?
00:22:20Do you think that's a joke? Ha, ha, ha.
00:22:23No, it's just I had a hard night and I'm not feeling so well.
00:22:27Hey, get out of there.
00:22:30Aw.
00:22:31Darlene, Mama's teeth have fallen out of her mouth again.
00:22:35Just wedge them back in, dear.
00:22:38Okay, Santa Claus, make yourself useful and just put those right back in her mouth.
00:22:44Gurkens, anyone?
00:22:47Aw, for Pete's sake.
00:22:50Oh, well, that's lovely.
00:22:53What happened?
00:22:54Santa just yammied in your handbag.
00:22:57There he goes again.
00:22:59Well, stop him!
00:23:01Okay, here, Santa.
00:23:03Santa, get up.
00:23:05Ow!
00:23:07Did I hurt you, Santa?
00:23:10Good.
00:23:11All right, Buster, out you get.
00:23:14Out!
00:23:14Out you get out!
00:23:16Get out of here!
00:23:17Get out of here, you!
00:23:20And take your beard with you!
00:23:22Oh, never heard of such a...
00:23:24Imagine yammeing in my sister's handbag!
00:23:36There you go, there's a five.
00:23:40Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
00:23:42Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
00:23:45Oh, oh, oh, I love this game.
00:23:47Pick which one is not like the others.
00:23:48Uh, Santa.
00:23:50No, idiot.
00:23:51It's a message Jake left on my machine.
00:23:54Wow.
00:23:56Bizarre, huh?
00:23:57Yeah.
00:24:00Thanks.
00:24:10Allie?
00:24:14Eddie?
00:24:16Eddie.
00:24:19Eddie.
00:24:27Oh, my God.
00:24:30Allie!
00:24:31What's wrong with you?
00:24:33Uh, we gotta go.
00:24:34We're just way behind schedule.
00:24:37Allie, wait!
00:24:39Allie!
00:24:41Stop!
00:24:44Wait!
00:24:53I'll have a blue Christmas
00:24:59without you
00:25:03I'll be so blue
00:25:06just thinking
00:25:09about you
00:25:15decoration
00:25:17a red
00:25:19on a green
00:25:23Christmas tree
00:25:24it won't
00:25:28mean a thing
00:25:30if you're not here
00:25:32or would be
00:25:35This is the worst day
00:25:37of my life
00:25:39Snowflakes
00:25:41and it just got worse
00:25:45That's when those blue
00:25:49Memories
00:25:51start calling
00:25:56You'll be doing
00:25:58All right
00:26:00All right
00:26:02With your Christmas
00:26:03Oh, white
00:26:06But I'll have
00:26:08A blue
00:26:10Blue, blue
00:26:13Christmas
00:26:32Ho, ho, ho, tubby
00:26:34Secret fat man handshake
00:26:36All right
00:26:38You know, confidentially speaking
00:26:40Just between us Santas
00:26:42Don't you ever get tired
00:26:43of wearing this suit
00:26:44I mean, every year
00:26:45It's the same suit
00:26:45Red, red, red, red, red
00:26:47I mean, does any guy
00:26:48really look good in red?
00:26:50I don't think so
00:26:53Got room on the sled for two?
00:26:56Thanks
00:26:57I really appreciate it
00:26:58You're a pal
00:27:07No
00:27:08You
00:27:33Whoa, you're not so cute in the morning, I'm kind of glad nothing happened.
00:27:38Ow, you just slugged me.
00:27:40As per our agreement.
00:27:47Wake up, Chief. Time to feed the reindeer.
00:27:54Alright, I'm going, I'm going.
00:28:04Here comes Sandler, here comes Sandler, riding down Sandler's land.
00:28:10Six, seven, seven, I'll leave the reindeer pulling on the rain.
00:28:17Wells are ringing till anything at all is merry and bright.
00:28:23Hang your stockings and say good prayer.
00:28:26Hi there!
00:28:28Yeah, Merry Christmas, you too.
00:28:31Come Sandler, come Sandler, ride down Sandler's land.
00:28:35He's gonna bang up, and we'll talk for boys and girls again.
00:28:41Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle.
00:28:44What a beautiful sound.
00:28:48Oh, where's your hand?
00:28:52I'm coming.
00:28:56Bang!
00:28:56Bang!
00:28:57He's gonna bang.
00:29:01He's gonna bang it.
00:29:05Oh, he's gonna bang it.
00:29:08Oh, he's gonna bang it.
00:29:13Oh, he's gonna bang it.
00:29:16Oh, that's whoop!
00:29:19Oh, it's what's going on here!
00:29:24Oh, man, I went and killed Santa.
00:29:32Oh, no.
00:29:35Santa!
00:29:38Santa!
00:29:40Oh, thank God!
00:29:52Hang on, Santa, I'm coming!
00:29:55I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
00:29:57Hold on, hold on.
00:30:03Am I alive?
00:30:05Sir, I have never been happy to answer that question in my life.
00:30:09Yes, you are alive!
00:30:12You've been asked that question before?
00:30:14Oh, maybe 10, 12 times.
00:30:21Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, wake up now.
00:30:28Oh, yippee-yah-ee-oo.
00:30:30Oh, yippee-yah-ee-ay.
00:30:32Oh, yippee-yah-ee-oo.
00:30:33Uh-huh.
00:30:34Uh, Alia, can I ask you something?
00:30:37Shoot.
00:30:38Look, I'm a millennial type of guy, you know, I dig world music, I think Freon should
00:30:43be banned, you know, I'm all about yoga and macrobiotic food.
00:30:46I mean, I'm in touch with my inner child, for God's sake.
00:30:49Is the question coming before Ohio?
00:30:51Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is, what does Jake have that I haven't gotten?
00:30:58It's the stuff he comes up with.
00:31:01Funny things.
00:31:03Amazing things.
00:31:04Things that, just give me the chills.
00:31:07Yeah, give me an example of one of these chills things, huh?
00:31:10Okay.
00:31:12Okay, there was this one time I was feeling really bad, it was, it was just a really down
00:31:17day, and Jake took my hand in his, and being really sweet, he said, not even the rain has
00:31:25such small hands.
00:31:27Not even the rain has such small hands?
00:31:31What a nerd!
00:31:32It's E.E.
00:31:33Cummings.
00:31:34Huh?
00:31:36Poetry, Eddie?
00:31:38And that gave you chills?
00:31:41You wouldn't understand.
00:31:45Allie?
00:31:47What?
00:31:49Not even the corn had such big ears.
00:31:53Oh, that's beautiful.
00:31:54I'm really moved, Eddie.
00:31:55Oh, look, because if it's poetry you want, I got it, baby.
00:31:59There once was a man from Nantucket.
00:32:01Just drive the car, Eddie.
00:32:09Man, oh man, I was sure you were a goner.
00:32:12Nolan, it's been two hours.
00:32:14I can't have this conversation with you anymore.
00:32:17What conversation?
00:32:18The one where you go, you were sure I was a goner, and I go, yeah, that was really a
00:32:21close one.
00:32:22Oh, okay.
00:32:28Hey, that's a Pathfinder.
00:32:29Catch up with them.
00:32:30Who's them?
00:32:31My girlfriend.
00:32:33No kidding?
00:32:33All the way out here?
00:32:36Wait a minute.
00:32:37Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car with another guy?
00:32:41Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa and letting some other guy down the chimney?
00:32:46Why that two-time and hoe?
00:32:49Uh, Nolan, reality check?
00:32:51You say no more, Santa.
00:32:52I'm after them.
00:33:02Nolan, I said catch them.
00:33:04Try not to kill us.
00:33:05All right, all right.
00:33:08Nolan, there's a cop behind us with his lights on.
00:33:10Slow down.
00:33:12Oh, man.
00:33:13Cops make me nervous.
00:33:15I'm gonna make a run for it.
00:33:16What are you, nuts?
00:33:17Look, my daddy always said it's better to go out in a blaze of glory than to rot in a
00:33:21state correctional facility.
00:33:25Let me guess, you're about to tell me the stuff in the bag's stolen, right?
00:33:30I won't if you don't want me to.
00:33:33Stop the car, Nolan.
00:33:35Stop the...
00:33:36Stop the car.
00:33:41Woo-hoo!
00:33:43All right, come on, Jake.
00:33:44Think, think, think, think, think.
00:33:46I know.
00:33:47Put this on.
00:33:48Act like my elf.
00:33:50All right, all right.
00:33:51How do elves act?
00:33:52I don't know.
00:33:54Happy.
00:33:55Happy.
00:33:56Happy.
00:34:07Merry Christmas, officer.
00:34:08Problem?
00:34:10You in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
00:34:12Well, that's my fault.
00:34:13Busy time of year for me.
00:34:15Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:16I'm an elf.
00:34:18So it seems.
00:34:19Do you realize you were going 79 in a 65-mile-per-hour zone?
00:34:23You should try catching me in my sleigh.
00:34:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:26Heh, heh.
00:34:28You see, officer, my elf Snowpuff and I are heading to the children's hospital in the next town.
00:34:33You mean Redcliffe?
00:34:35Yeah, Redcliffe, exactly.
00:34:36To distribute toys to the youngsters.
00:34:39You know, I'm sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit, but every second counts to a bedridden
00:34:43child.
00:34:46All right.
00:34:47I tell you what.
00:34:48No more speeding.
00:34:50Okay, Santa?
00:34:5165, stay alive.
00:34:53Merry Christmas.
00:34:55Thank you, officer.
00:34:57And that is how the big boys do it.
00:35:00You know what?
00:35:02My shift ends in a few minutes.
00:35:04Why don't you follow me?
00:35:05I'll get you there in no time.
00:35:09So that's how the big boys do it?
00:35:12Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:22So close, yet so far.
00:35:33Please stay in the car.
00:35:34Please stay in the car.
00:35:35Please stay in the car.
00:35:36Oh, man.
00:35:38I guess he couldn't hear you.
00:35:46Hey, thank you, officer.
00:35:47Say, do you all mind if I go in there with you?
00:35:49I kind of like to see the kids' faces, you know, when you give them their gifts.
00:35:54The more the merrier.
00:35:57And I want a pony and a Barbie Dreamhouse and Lightbrite Deluxe and...
00:36:02Now, that's all great stuff, but Santa's going to give you something even better.
00:36:06A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster with exclusive AcuToast sensor for consistent toasting time after time.
00:36:13Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of the usual two.
00:36:19Okay, thank you, Santa.
00:36:20You're welcome.
00:36:21But, Santa, this toaster was already promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
00:36:29Hand it over to the kids' snowpuff.
00:36:35All right, let's get this line moving.
00:36:37Who's next?
00:36:39All righty.
00:36:40And what do you want for Christmas?
00:36:44And finally...
00:36:45Ho, ho, ho!
00:36:47Merry Christmas!
00:36:48And what's your name, little boy?
00:36:50Esteban.
00:36:51Esteban.
00:36:52All right, let's see what we have here today for Esteban.
00:36:58Look at this.
00:37:00A Eureka Boss Cordless Rechargeable Vacuum Cleaner.
00:37:03No, thank you.
00:37:07Well, uh, I don't know what else I have here for you, buddy.
00:37:11What do you want for Christmas?
00:37:13To go home.
00:37:18I want to be with mi mamá, mi papá, mi hermana Maribel, mi hermano Mario, tío Carlos y mi tío
00:37:27Ramón, tía Cristina, tía María, grandmothers and grandfathers and my dog, Sorrito, and have Christmas tree and lights and angels
00:37:40and Christmas cookies.
00:37:42With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding and Christmas carols and...
00:37:48Oh, sugar doll, I miss you so much.
00:37:51I don't want to offend stolen goods no more.
00:37:53I just want to beg you to come home for Christmas.
00:37:55Please, Marjorie, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
00:37:58I don't know how I'm going to get through the holidays without you.
00:38:01I just need to talk to my dad or Tracy.
00:38:04Are either of them there?
00:38:06Oh, gee, your dad and Tracy went to the mall.
00:38:09It's just me holding down the fort.
00:38:12Uh-huh.
00:38:13We are all so excited you're coming home.
00:38:16We've got the tree all set up.
00:38:18It looks great.
00:38:19And I've just been shopping and cooking and cooking and shopping.
00:38:23Speaking of which, your sweater size.
00:38:26Are you a...
00:38:27You're a 38, right?
00:38:29Yeah, I guess.
00:38:31Where are you now?
00:38:33Are you on your way home?
00:38:34Yeah, look, I got to run.
00:38:36So, uh, you take care now, okay?
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Bye.
00:38:41Bye.
00:38:54I gotta tell you, Santa, sir,
00:38:56although I've only been your elf for a very short time,
00:38:59I feel like a new man, changed.
00:39:02Do I look changed to you?
00:39:06Well, maybe you've changed on the inside where it counts.
00:39:09Yeah, that's it.
00:39:10I've changed on the inside,
00:39:11and I'm going home for Christmas.
00:39:14Home?
00:39:15I thought you were going east.
00:39:17Nope, back the other way.
00:39:18But, Nolan,
00:39:19I saved your buck back down the road.
00:39:21Don't you think you owe me something?
00:39:23Uh, yes, I do.
00:39:28I didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.
00:39:30Whoa!
00:39:32Merry Christmas!
00:39:36What?
00:39:36Can I have a word with you?
00:39:38What is it?
00:39:39Well, it's my wife, Marjorie.
00:39:41She left me last month,
00:39:42and, well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas,
00:39:45I know we could start again.
00:39:47Why are you telling me this?
00:39:48She won't listen to me,
00:39:49but I got a hunch she might listen to Santa.
00:39:52See, if you walked into the restaurant where she works
00:39:54and asked her to forgive me,
00:39:55I know she'd come home.
00:39:57She left you, right?
00:39:58Yeah.
00:39:59So where's your dignity?
00:40:01Don't go crawling back to her.
00:40:02Let her come groveling back to you.
00:40:04Yeah, maybe you're right.
00:40:05Why drive all the way to Nebraska
00:40:07just to get slammed again?
00:40:09Wait, Nebraska?
00:40:11As an Easter here?
00:40:12It's about a six-hour trip.
00:40:14What's the matter with you, man?
00:40:15You love her enough to marry her,
00:40:16but you won't take a little drive.
00:40:20So, Max,
00:40:21what'd you do that made your wife so mad
00:40:22that you'd take a job 300 miles away?
00:40:25Oh, I stayed out at Smitty's till 3 one morning.
00:40:28Doesn't seem so bad.
00:40:30With an old girlfriend.
00:40:33All right, here's the deal.
00:40:34If I get Marjorie to come home for Christmas,
00:40:36you buy me a bus ticket to New York.
00:40:39If you can get Marjorie to come home for Christmas,
00:40:41I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.
00:40:44All right.
00:40:48All right.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:49Looking good.
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51I got kind of a weird call from Jake while you were out.
00:40:54He didn't say where he was calling from,
00:40:56but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.
00:40:58I hope he's going to make it okay.
00:41:00There is not an obstacle in this world
00:41:02that will keep my son from this car.
00:41:05Oh, my God, there's a scratch!
00:41:06There's a scratch!
00:41:07Where? Where?
00:41:08Get a life, Dad.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:21Well, she's ready for you, son.
00:41:25Wherever you are.
00:41:35There she is, right there.
00:41:37Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
00:41:41Yeah, no doubt.
00:41:42So what do you want me to tell her?
00:41:43That if she doesn't come home,
00:41:46I'll die.
00:41:48Good.
00:41:48Die!
00:41:49Now, don't you think you're being a little bit harsh now, Marjorie?
00:41:52Harsh?
00:41:53After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?
00:41:56Well, you know, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right?
00:41:59Like brother, sister.
00:42:00There was tongue.
00:42:02There was not!
00:42:04There was too, you big pig!
00:42:06Everybody saw it.
00:42:07Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her.
00:42:10It was the Eggermeister.
00:42:12We made a commitment, Max, to honor and obey for better or for worse.
00:42:17Okay, this is worse.
00:42:19Ugh, he really burns my biscuits.
00:42:21Let me handle this one, okay, Max?
00:42:25Don't you think you should give Max another chance?
00:42:27I mean, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.
00:42:30He kissed her.
00:42:30How do you misunderstand that?
00:42:32Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.
00:42:35You know, it's just like this other couple I know.
00:42:37We're all upset about a misunderstanding.
00:42:39Oh, yeah?
00:42:39What's wrong with them?
00:42:40Well, they had a trip planned to go back east,
00:42:42and he canceled last minute
00:42:43because he wanted to take her to Cabo San Lucas for Christmas instead.
00:42:46But she thought he was being selfish,
00:42:48which was a misunderstanding.
00:42:50No, it wasn't.
00:42:50He sounds like a jerk.
00:42:51No, he's not.
00:42:53I mean, if she had understood,
00:42:54she would have realized that the guy's got a stepmother
00:42:56that he doesn't like very much.
00:42:57Well, what's wrong with the stepmother?
00:42:59Well, the dad married her only ten months after his wife died.
00:43:02She must be a babe.
00:43:04Why is this guy mad at the stepmother?
00:43:06It's not her fault.
00:43:07Don't you think ten months is a little soon?
00:43:09No, she's a babe.
00:43:11Look,
00:43:13what does any of this have to do with me and Max?
00:43:16Misunderstandings can be overcome if both people just try.
00:43:20Look,
00:43:21right now Max is sitting out there with a broken heart,
00:43:23and all he's asking for is a second chance.
00:43:26Just give him another shot.
00:43:30Hey, Marge.
00:43:32Sounds about a topper on this coffee.
00:43:35You know what?
00:43:36I've got a job to do.
00:43:44How did it go?
00:43:45Well,
00:43:46you know what a swirly is?
00:43:47You mean when somebody jams your head in a toilet bowl and flushes it?
00:43:50Yeah,
00:43:50it was pretty much like that.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:52Now get in there,
00:43:53say something romantic.
00:43:55Huh?
00:43:57Something apologetic?
00:43:59Something in English.
00:44:02Here's us.
00:44:03All right, already.
00:44:04Come on.
00:44:15I got an idea.
00:44:27Oh, Margery.
00:44:31Oh, Margery.
00:44:33I need to have you home.
00:44:52I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night.
00:45:00I hope that singing this song will make everything all right.
00:45:09You're not the only one.
00:45:11Oh, Margery.
00:45:15Oh, baby.
00:45:18Oh, baby.
00:45:20Oh, baby.
00:45:23I'll make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree.
00:45:36See, you're my wife.
00:45:39If I'd give my life
00:45:45If you just come home
00:45:56Now on your knees.
00:45:59Now on your knees.
00:46:01No, I don't sing it.
00:46:08Margery.
00:46:09I'm so sorry, baby.
00:46:11Won't you please?
00:46:29Here's your ticket.
00:46:30Your bus will be here in ten minutes.
00:46:33Thanks.
00:46:40Well, see ya.
00:46:43Hey, Santa.
00:46:44Yeah?
00:46:45I, uh, I hope that other couple, you know, works through their misunderstandings.
00:46:58It's just you and me, baby.
00:47:05It's just you and me, baby.
00:47:08You know what I've always wondered?
00:47:10What?
00:47:12Out of all the planets in the universe, how is it that this is the only one that spawned intelligent
00:47:18life?
00:47:20Yeah.
00:47:22You know what I always wonder about?
00:47:24What's that?
00:47:25How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet?
00:47:29Like Denny's.
00:47:30I mean, think about it.
00:47:30They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan.
00:47:33Like that man that rocks.
00:47:34Or like when a homeless guy, he comes up to you and he says he's the messiah.
00:47:37And then he asks you for money and you're just like, pfft, you know, you just wanna walk
00:47:40away.
00:47:40But then you think to yourself, what happens if he is the messiah?
00:47:43And I'm just blowing the dude off.
00:47:47Think about it.
00:47:49I take back what I said about intelligent life on earth.
00:47:56Hey, look at that!
00:47:58Ugh.
00:48:00Velveeta.
00:48:00Come on now.
00:48:02That's why we have to stay there.
00:48:04Come on, where would you rather go?
00:48:06Another dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere?
00:48:11I don't think it's very Eddie.
00:48:13Well, I think it's totally Eddie.
00:48:15It's completely cheesy and trying to be cool.
00:48:19When are you gonna stop being mean to the Ed man, huh?
00:48:22When you stop referring to yourself in the third person.
00:48:39Maybe I should just go with it.
00:48:50Hey.
00:48:52Hey.
00:48:53Check this out.
00:48:54Tell me what's better.
00:48:56Ho, ho, ho.
00:48:57Merry Christmas.
00:48:59Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:00Merry Christmas.
00:49:02Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:03Merry Christmas.
00:49:06Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:08Merry Christmas.
00:49:09Like my sister,
00:49:11Who's three.
00:49:12And the second one's good for big kids.
00:49:13And the second one's good for big kids,
00:49:14Like my friends and me.
00:49:15And the third one's good if you want to scare people,
00:49:18and watch them run away screaming.
00:49:21Okay, cool, thanks.
00:49:23Whatever.
00:49:53Well, look at that.
00:49:55The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady.
00:49:58How typical.
00:50:00Uh, don't witness it.
00:50:01You might have to testify.
00:50:04Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
00:50:07Hey, I'm a witty guy.
00:50:08I mean, you think this astonishing physique
00:50:11is all the Ed man has to offer, huh?
00:50:13Well, take this, Ed man.
00:50:17Oh, my God, you're dead.
00:50:18You're so dead.
00:50:19I'm gonna get it, so dead.
00:50:20Oh, my God.
00:50:25This is Wendy Richards reporting live from Adelbrook, Iowa,
00:50:28site of the Strudelstrasen and world-famous human clock.
00:50:31Now, the temperature outside stands at 31 degrees,
00:50:34but, of course, the temperature's always a little bit warmer
00:50:37underneath the mistletoe arch, and, uh, here's a couple now.
00:50:40I hope you kids know where you're standing.
00:50:48I'll kill him.
00:50:49Your attention, please.
00:50:50Bus 33 to New York is now boarding.
00:50:53All passengers with tickets, please.
00:50:54I'll say to Kerr.
00:50:59Hey, I think you just stopped being mean to me.
00:51:17Excuse me.
00:51:18Conway?
00:51:18Get behind the yellow line.
00:51:20Hey, just a second.
00:51:20I need to ask you a favor.
00:51:21Just get behind the yellow line.
00:51:23I realize you're on a schedule, but it being the holidays and all.
00:51:26I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a small detour to Adelbrook.
00:51:28I think everyone would really enjoy it.
00:51:30But I wouldn't.
00:51:32But what if we...
00:51:33No.
00:51:33How about we...
00:51:34No.
00:51:34But...
00:51:35No.
00:51:36Got it.
00:51:41That is very good.
00:51:43Look at that.
00:51:45Here, why don't you try to use the yellow line?
00:52:02Sorry, we only had one room left tonight.
00:52:04It being Christmas and all.
00:52:06But, uh, you'll find that it's very special.
00:52:12Feel coming to your honeymoon suite.
00:52:35Is this yours?
00:52:37Hmm?
00:52:38No.
00:52:39Not yours either.
00:52:41Whose is it?
00:52:45Human liver?
00:52:47Organ donation.
00:52:48Oh, my God.
00:52:49We've got a live liver here.
00:52:51It says, deliver to Ali Henderson in Adelbrook, ASAP.
00:52:54You think it's real?
00:52:55Let's take a look.
00:52:57Oh, we moved.
00:52:58We need to get to Adelbrook.
00:53:01Okay, everybody sit down.
00:53:04What the hell is wrong with you, man?
00:53:06You get behind the yellow line.
00:53:07Don't give me your lip.
00:53:08I don't believe you, man.
00:53:10There's a little girl in Adelbrook that needs a liver transplant.
00:53:14We've got a schedule to keep.
00:53:15Schedule schmedule.
00:53:16Shame on you.
00:53:17This isn't about schedules, man.
00:53:19It's the gift of life.
00:53:21The greatest Christmas gift ever.
00:53:23And we've even got Santa to bring it to her.
00:53:25This is a nonstop bus to New York.
00:53:27This is happening for a reason.
00:53:29We were put on this bus to take this organ to Adelbrook.
00:53:33Adelbrook!
00:53:34Adelbrook!
00:53:35Adelbrook!
00:53:37Adelbrook!
00:53:37Okay!
00:53:38You think I don't care about that little girl?
00:53:41Well, you're wrong.
00:53:42We're going to Adelbrook, all right, but because I say we are.
00:53:46Hey, hey, hey, now everybody behind the yellow line and sit up!
00:53:56It's funny, Eddie.
00:53:58I never thought I'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you, and yet somehow with you
00:54:03here, I feel safe.
00:54:05You want me to put on any more clothes?
00:54:08Nah, that should be fine.
00:54:10Good night, Addy.
00:54:11Good night.
00:54:14Good night.
00:54:23I'm giving you ten minutes!
00:54:25You fired that girl, Santa!
00:54:27Go, Santa!
00:54:28Go, Santa!
00:54:29Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:31Everybody shut up!
00:54:46Hi.
00:54:47Can you tell me if there's an Ali Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
00:54:50I'm sorry, Santa.
00:54:52I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
00:54:54Listen, ma'am, I have a full plate of activities tonight, not to mention a pesky Grinch who
00:54:58has kidnapped Mrs. Claus in an attempt to make my life miserable.
00:55:01I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
00:55:04Policy?
00:55:05Policy does not apply to me.
00:55:06I override policy.
00:55:08I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:14I want to know where her boyfriend is.
00:55:18Hello!
00:55:57Maintenance.
00:56:02Where is he?
00:56:04Jake? What are you doing here?
00:56:07Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
00:56:09I had to hijack a bus.
00:56:10Eddie and his buddies left me in the desert like this the other night.
00:56:14Desert Santa buzzard tumbleweed.
00:56:16So what gives with you kissing that slimy moron?
00:56:19It's not what you think.
00:56:21Jake, what are you doing here, bud?
00:56:22This love nest is full.
00:56:24Calm down, Jake. Nothing happened.
00:56:26Where's the trust, man?
00:56:28I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag.
00:56:30He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds. Big deal.
00:56:33It was more like five seconds.
00:56:36And they were good.
00:56:40Foul. Fighting foul.
00:56:45How could you let that idiot give you a ride?
00:56:47I thought you left me high and dry.
00:56:49What was I supposed to do? Beam myself home?
00:56:51Allie, I was stuck in the desert. I couldn't get to you.
00:56:54I had no choice.
00:56:58Okay, forgive you.
00:57:08So, you still mad at me?
00:57:10Yo, if anyone should be mad here, it's me.
00:57:12Okay?
00:57:13Because I've had to listen to non-stop Natalie Merchant, Easy Cummings.
00:57:16It's E.E. Cummings.
00:57:17I have been stuck in a Santa suit for two days,
00:57:20fighting off buzzards, dentures, and thugs in lederhosen.
00:57:23I'm tired, I'm hungry, I stink, and because of you,
00:57:26I'm not going to be home by six o'clock tonight.
00:57:29Why do you have to be home by six o'clock?
00:57:32What's that?
00:57:34You heard the question, why do you have to be home by six?
00:57:39Because that's when dinner will be ready?
00:57:42Ow!
00:57:42If you have even one decent chromosome in your DNA,
00:57:45you will not lie to me right now, Jake.
00:57:48All right.
00:57:51It's just that, if I get home by then,
00:57:55my dad's going to give me the Porsche.
00:57:58The Porsche.
00:57:59Allie, let me...
00:58:00Wait!
00:58:01So you didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car.
00:58:04It's not like that.
00:58:05You two deserve each other.
00:58:11Allie, wait.
00:58:13Will you just stop and listen to me?
00:58:15Look, if I had to do it all over again,
00:58:17I probably wouldn't mention the stupid car.
00:58:19Ugh!
00:58:20What? I was kidding!
00:58:22You don't care about anybody but yourself.
00:58:24You're a manipulator and a liar.
00:58:26I am not a liar.
00:58:27Hey, wait a minute.
00:58:28You're the girl who needs the transplant?
00:58:30Is that what Santa told you?
00:58:33Uh-huh.
00:58:35Right.
00:58:36I'm taking his place on the bus.
00:58:38No, wait. Allie, give me another chance.
00:58:40Why?
00:58:41Because I care about you.
00:58:43You gotta believe me.
00:58:45Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep
00:58:47in a one-horse open sleigh,
00:58:48I wouldn't believe you.
00:58:50Allie, I'm sorry.
00:58:52You know, I can't take fake remorse
00:58:54from a fake Santa making fake apologies.
00:58:56You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake,
00:58:58but I'll tell you one thing,
00:59:00you're a genuine butthole!
00:59:05Bye, Santa.
00:59:08Bye, Santa.
00:59:26I got rolled.
00:59:28The one I love is gone.
00:59:31I got rolled.
00:59:34Oh, man, I've seen guys get dumped before,
00:59:36but that was nuclear.
00:59:37I mean, she wasn't even aiming at me,
00:59:39and I'm gonna be walking funny for like a week.
00:59:41How do girls do that?
00:59:42I don't know.
00:59:43It's like that whole chick verbal skills thing.
00:59:45It's deadly.
00:59:47Oh, man.
00:59:48You know what?
00:59:48I gotta tell you, bro.
00:59:49I would've never thought I'd ever help you out.
00:59:52I have to tell you, bro.
00:59:52After that massacre,
00:59:53man, I just wouldn't be human.
00:59:55God, I never thought I'd be driving home with you either.
00:59:57It's pretty wild.
00:59:58Oh, it sure is.
01:00:00All right, now I get home in time to get the Porsche.
01:00:02I'll drive it back to school in January,
01:00:04figure out how to get Allie back.
01:00:05Everything's gonna be great.
01:00:07Thanks, Ed man.
01:00:09Sure.
01:00:17Get out.
01:00:17What?
01:00:19All that stuff you just said.
01:00:20I'm sorry, man.
01:00:22I just can't do that much good stuff for another person,
01:00:25you know?
01:00:26It'd be way bad for my rep.
01:00:27What, what, what?
01:00:28What are you talking about?
01:00:28I mean, what about that stuff you just said
01:00:30about being human, helping out another guy and me?
01:00:32Dude, I just took you to Wisconsin.
01:00:35Besides, what am I doing helping you out
01:00:37so you can get a Porsche and be cooler than me?
01:00:40Not very smart.
01:00:42Not very Eddie.
01:00:49Uh, you're, uh, gonna have to take that off first.
01:00:51Yeah, I know that.
01:01:05Father Christmas, just tell me what you want from me.
01:01:07Okay.
01:01:20Better hurry!
01:01:34Oh, baby!
01:01:36I
01:01:36H
01:01:36What's this here, Dan?
01:01:37Come on, come on.
01:01:40Let's see again.
01:01:50It's called carbo-loading, best thing you can do before a race like this.
01:01:55Hi, I'd like a number, please.
01:01:57Okay, that'll be a $10 entrance fee.
01:01:59You know I nailed that in.
01:02:01Oh, okay, so we sent you a receipt.
01:02:04Yes, yes, you did, but you see, here's the dilly.
01:02:08There was a house fire and everything got torched.
01:02:10You know, personal papers, family photos,
01:02:12that little clay handprint ashtray I made when I was three.
01:02:16Oh, tragic tale.
01:02:18I'll cover the kid.
01:02:20Hey, thanks. Jake Wilkinson.
01:02:22Jeff Wilson.
01:02:24Here's your hat and beard.
01:02:26You've got to have them on when you cross the finish line or you'll be disqualified.
01:02:29Here we go again.
01:02:34Can anyone in this race actually run?
01:02:37Well, Sparky Fanalone won the state marathon ten years ago.
01:02:40That was before the two-pack-a-day habit and subsequent lung removal.
01:02:45Okay, this guy will give us a run for our money.
01:02:48Kenyon?
01:02:49Yes.
01:02:51All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:54All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:58See you at the finish line.
01:02:59All right.
01:03:00Go Santas, go!
01:03:03Go Santas!
01:03:05Go Santas!
01:03:06Go Santas!
01:03:07Santas!
01:03:08To your marks!
01:03:12On your marks!
01:03:15Get set!
01:03:17Come on.
01:03:59Hey, jingle balls. Move your candy canes.
01:04:11No, no, no!
01:04:18Come on.
01:04:20Come on.
01:04:21Come on.
01:04:22Want a cookie?
01:04:24That's it.
01:04:26Come on.
01:04:28Come on.
01:04:44Get up.
01:04:47I couldn't see her!
01:04:48No!
01:04:49No!
01:04:51No!
01:04:51No!
01:04:53No!
01:04:56No!
01:04:57No!
01:04:57It's the end of that.
01:05:02Or not.
01:05:04Here you go, easy.
01:05:06Looks like it's just you and me now.
01:05:08Ready to make a run for it?
01:05:10I was born ready.
01:05:27I got your hands!
01:05:28You can't sit without the hands!
01:06:06Nice. Thanks a lot.
01:06:11Congratulations. Thanks.
01:06:14Thank you very much. Merry Christmas.
01:06:17Merry Christmas.
01:06:27Jake, Jake, thank God, dude.
01:06:29They're gonna try to arrest me.
01:06:30They're gonna try to arrest me.
01:06:31Come down and meet me at the station, please, man.
01:06:35Taxi!
01:06:38Santa says take me to the airport.
01:06:48One-one-hundred, two-one-hundred, three-one-hundred.
01:06:56Hey there, all right.
01:06:58Hey, you're the kid who beat Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.
01:07:01Yep, that's me.
01:07:03Wait a minute, Mayor Wilson?
01:07:05Oh, you didn't know?
01:07:06Well, he wins every year.
01:07:07A lot of us folks wish he'd won this year, too.
01:07:10Yeah, he seemed like a good guy.
01:07:11Keeps the potholes filled, huh?
01:07:12Yeah, he keeps the potholes filled.
01:07:14He also donates his entire winnings every year
01:07:17to buy turkeys for people who can't afford them.
01:07:22He had to be the mayor.
01:07:28Can you turn around, please?
01:07:38I'll be right back.
01:08:01Hey.
01:08:04When did Santa start using the mailbox?
01:08:07Oh, didn't you hear about the new work exchange program?
01:08:10Postman should be coming down your chimney a little later.
01:08:13You got some place to go?
01:08:15Yeah, it's Christmas Eve. Who doesn't?
01:08:19I could set a place for you.
01:08:23No, thanks. I'll be fine.
01:08:27Jake.
01:08:29Merry Christmas.
01:08:31You too.
01:08:51Yes, operator, it's collect from Jake.
01:08:55Tracy, accept the...
01:08:58My, my dear brother, you are sounding slightly stressed.
01:09:01Is it the bumblebees again?
01:09:02Look, Tracy, I'm not gonna make it home,
01:09:04and I want you to tell Dad, okay?
01:09:06What do you mean you're not gonna make it home?
01:09:08Is this about Carolyn?
01:09:09No.
01:09:11It's about being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere
01:09:13with absolutely no money.
01:09:15The rate I'm going, I'll show up sometime in January,
01:09:17so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year,
01:09:18and I'll see you around.
01:09:20Wait, what about the Porsche?
01:09:22What about it?
01:09:24Wow, you really must be in trouble.
01:09:27Would you fly home right now if you could?
01:09:30Uh, like, yeah.
01:09:31I've got at least four years of birthday money
01:09:33stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag.
01:09:35If I went to a ticket agent right now
01:09:37and bought you a plane ticket home,
01:09:39you'd make it in time for Christmas, right?
01:09:41You'd do that for me?
01:09:43No.
01:09:44I'd do it for Dad.
01:09:46Plus, think of the incredible pleasure
01:09:47I'll have holding this over your head
01:09:49for the rest of our lives.
01:09:51Okay, fine.
01:09:52Whatever you want.
01:09:52I'm near Madison, Wisconsin.
01:09:54I'll hitch a ride to the airport.
01:09:55I'll see you soon.
01:09:56Wait, uh, I don't have any idea.
01:09:58How am I gonna pick up the ticket?
01:10:00Hmm.
01:10:00I know.
01:10:01I'll make up a secret password
01:10:02to go with your reservation
01:10:03that only you would know.
01:10:05Great.
01:10:05What's it gonna be?
01:10:06I am a smelly and revolting jerk
01:10:08who doesn't deserve to live
01:10:09and my sister is a mad cool goddess.
01:10:11Bingo.
01:10:12Wilkinson, comma, Jake.
01:10:14Hm.
01:10:14It's an unusual password.
01:10:16Unusual everything.
01:10:17So, what time's the flight leave?
01:10:18In 20 minutes.
01:10:20I'll need to see a picture ID.
01:10:21Well, I just gave you my password.
01:10:23That's right, sir,
01:10:24but I can't let you on the plane
01:10:25without proper identification.
01:10:26Then what was the point of my password?
01:10:28I don't make the rules, sir.
01:10:30It's just...
01:10:30Policy.
01:10:31I know.
01:10:32Well, thank you.
01:10:34Next.
01:10:41Hi.
01:10:46Hello, how are you?
01:10:47Hello, how are you?
01:10:48Hello, how are you?
01:10:52Hello.
01:10:54Hi.
01:10:58Hello, how are you?
01:11:03Good, Ringo. Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo. Good, Ringo.
01:11:11Fat Ringo, fat Ringo.
01:11:21Hey! Hey, Billy! Get him! Get him!
01:11:25Come here!
01:11:27Come here!
01:11:27Get him away! Come here!
01:11:32No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
01:11:50Excuse me. Come over. Excuse me.
01:11:54I checked out. I just haven't left you.
01:11:56I checked out. I just haven't left you.
01:12:01Merry Christmas, Santa. Got a ticket?
01:12:04No.
01:12:08The station is public. Next stop, New Rochelle followed by Larchmont. Larchmont.
01:12:23Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
01:12:27He still has 15 minutes.
01:12:34Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
01:12:38Hey, lady! Give me a ride, please!
01:12:44Hey, give Santa a ride?
01:12:47Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:13:08I understand the glass.
01:13:21Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
01:13:22No, no, no! Don't turn left! Don't turn left!
01:13:24No, no, no! What are you doing?
01:13:25Don't turn! Go straight!
01:13:27Hey!
01:13:34Oh!
01:13:56Package, people! Do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:00I repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:03You unwrap yourself, you are out of my parade.
01:14:05Do I make myself clear?
01:14:15Hey!
01:14:16Hey!
01:14:17All right.
01:14:18What do you think you're doing?
01:14:19Hey!
01:14:21Buddy!
01:14:27I could have swore I parked that sleigh right here.
01:14:30All right.
01:14:34All is fine.
01:14:38All is calm.
01:14:42All is bright.
01:14:46Round yon virgin,
01:14:50Mother and child.
01:14:52Sorry!
01:14:53Wait!
01:14:54Sorry!
01:14:56Sorry!
01:14:57Sorry!
01:14:58Sorry!
01:14:59Sorry!
01:15:00I'm sorry!
01:15:00I'm sorry!
01:15:04Come on, Jake. You can make it.
01:15:12Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:15:47Nice ride. Thanks. Just got him back from the shop.
01:15:53Alves upgraded his shoes to the new Firestone radials.
01:15:57Not bad. Maybe you should have thought about snow tires.
01:16:04You know, you said even if Santa showed up on your doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh,
01:16:09you still wouldn't believe that I cared about you.
01:16:13So I don't expect this to work.
01:16:16But I gotta give it a shot.
01:16:18I mean, you know, I'm not the real Santa, and contrary to all appearances, this is not a real sleigh.
01:16:28But, Allie, for all the times I've been a genuine jerk, this is a real apology.
01:16:36If you'll accept it.
01:16:39I might.
01:16:45And this...
01:16:47is a real kiss.
01:17:10Come with me to my house. I have to be there in two minutes.
01:17:12Is this still about the worst?
01:17:13Just come with me.
01:17:14But I don't want...
01:17:15Don't trust me.
01:17:21Shepherds quake...
01:17:22I'm coming through!
01:17:24I'm coming through!
01:17:25I'm coming through!
01:17:37Okay.
01:17:39Let's eat.
01:17:54What time is it?
01:17:57It's 5.59.
01:17:58You made it.
01:18:01Yeah, I guess I did.
01:18:03Tell me when it's after 6, okay?
01:18:06What do you mean? Aren't you going in?
01:18:07No, not yet.
01:18:11But I thought...
01:18:12Shh, shh, shh.
01:18:13Just watch.
01:18:15Watch what?
01:18:18My family.
01:18:41Well, guess it's about time I went home for Christmas.
01:18:45Care to join me?
01:18:47You bet.
01:18:50All right.
01:18:58Hey, everybody!
01:18:59Merry Christmas!
01:19:02You made it.
01:19:06Hey!
01:19:08You made it!
01:19:09Ah, glad you're here.
01:19:11Me too.
01:19:13Did you have a hard time getting here?
01:19:14Oh, piece of cake.
01:19:16What's, uh...
01:19:17What's with this Santa suit?
01:19:19Long story, Dad.
01:19:21Hey!
01:19:21How are you?
01:19:22Oh, you stink!
01:19:25Farting dog cargo hold longer story.
01:19:28Well, son, she's yours.
01:19:32But, Dad, I didn't make it home on time.
01:19:34Don't be silly.
01:19:34You were just a few seconds left.
01:19:36Here.
01:19:36No, no.
01:19:36Deal's a deal.
01:19:38Besides, she isn't ready yet.
01:19:40What do you mean?
01:19:41Well, we're not really finished fixing her up yet, are we?
01:19:44I mean, I'm sure it's gonna take us a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done.
01:19:49Don't you think?
01:19:51Yeah.
01:19:5230 or 40, at least.
01:19:5636.
01:19:58Excuse me?
01:19:59My sweater says I'm a 36.
01:20:01Or a medium.
01:20:02Either will work.
01:20:05What's yours?
01:20:07Mine?
01:20:09Yeah, you know, for future information.
01:20:14Eight.
01:20:16Eight.
01:20:18I'll remember that.
01:20:21What the heck is that?
01:20:23That would be my parade.
01:20:25Excuse me?
01:20:26Excuse me?
01:20:36Hey!
01:20:37Wait a minute!
01:20:38That's our sled!
01:20:41That's the guy!
01:20:43Come on!
01:20:48Hey, buddy.
01:20:50You stole our sleigh.
01:20:52You're just so lucky you're wearing that suit.
01:20:56You know, a few days ago I might not have agreed with you.
01:20:59Nice wings.
01:21:01Thanks.
01:21:02Took a sewing class.
01:21:04It shows.
01:21:06Peace.
01:21:09Come on, Santa.
01:21:10Give me a ride home.
01:21:10Let's all go for a ride.
01:21:11Come on.
01:21:13Oh, I love it.
01:21:14I've never been in a sleigh before.
01:21:15Well, you better be careful.
01:21:16There's no rental.
01:21:17Whoo!
01:21:21Let this buggy rip, bro.
01:21:23Yeah!
01:21:24We're going to go!
01:21:25Up!
01:21:26We're going to go!
01:21:28We're going to go!
01:21:30We're going to go!
01:21:47Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:21:53Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:22:06We've been waiting all here for this ride.
01:22:12When the snow is glistening on the trees outside.
01:22:16And all the stockings are hung by the fireside.
01:22:22Waiting for Santa to arrive.
01:22:27And all the love will show.
01:22:29As everybody knows, it's Christmas time.
01:22:33And all the kids will see the gifts under the tree.
01:22:38It's the best time of year for the family.
01:22:42It's a wonderful feeling.
01:22:44And the love in the room on the floor to the ceiling.
01:22:48It's that time of year.
01:22:50Christmas time is here.
01:22:53And with the blessings from above.
01:22:55God sent you his love.
01:22:57And everything's okay.
01:22:59Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:23:02Oh yeah.
01:23:03Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:23:14Oh, bells are ringing.
01:23:17It's time to scream and shout.
01:23:20Scream and shout.
01:23:21And everybody's praying.
01:23:23Cause schools are celebrating.
01:23:25It's special times we share.
01:23:30Happiness cause love is in the air.
01:23:35And all the love will show.
01:23:38Cause everybody knows.
01:23:39It's Christmas time.
01:23:42And all the kids will see.
01:23:44The gifts under the tree.
01:23:46It's the best time of year for the family.
01:23:51It's a wonderful feeling.
01:23:53Wonderful feeling.
01:23:53And the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling.
01:23:56It's that time of year.
01:23:58That time of year.
01:23:59Christmas time is here.
01:24:01Oh yeah.
01:24:02And with the blessings from above.
01:24:04God sent you his love.
01:24:06And everything's okay.
01:24:08Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:24:12Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.
01:24:16And happy holiday.
01:24:21Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, and happy holiday.
01:24:29No matter what your holiday, it's a time to celebrate.
01:24:37Put your worries aside and open up your mind.
01:24:41You'll see the world right by your time.
01:24:45It's Christmas time.
01:24:48Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.
01:24:50Oh yeah.
01:24:50Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:24:54Sing it up, everybody.
01:24:56Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.
01:24:59Let me hear you.
01:25:00Merry Christmas, and happy holiday.
01:25:04It's a wonderful feeling.
01:25:06Feel the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling.
01:25:10It's that time of year.
01:25:11It's that time of year.
01:25:12It's that time of year.
01:25:13It's that time of year.
01:25:13Christmas time is here.
01:25:14Oh yeah.
01:25:15Oh yeah.
01:25:15The blessings move on.
01:25:17God sent you his love.
01:25:19Oh yeah.
01:25:19Everything's okay.
01:25:21Yeah.
01:25:21Yeah.
01:25:22Merry Christmas, happy holiday.
01:25:24Come on now.
01:25:26Merry Christmas, let me hear you.
01:25:28Merry Christmas, and happy holiday.
01:25:33Merry Christmas.
01:25:34Merry Christmas.
01:25:35Merry Christmas.
01:25:36Oh yeah.
01:25:36Merry Christmas
01:25:38And happy holidays
01:25:41Merry Christmas
01:25:43Merry Christmas
01:25:45Merry Christmas
01:25:47Happy holidays
01:26:06Merry Christmas
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