Duck Soup (1933) [Full Movie] [Full Story]Full EP - Full - video Dailymotion

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Duck Soup (1933) [Full Movie] [Full Story]Full EP - Full

Transcript

00:00:29Transcription by CastingWords

00:00:41CastingWords

00:01:05CastingWords

00:01:18CastingWords

00:01:47CastingWords

00:01:48And now, you're asking for another $20 million.

00:01:53But it will only be for a few months to meet this present emergency.

00:01:56With $20 million in the Treasury, we can announce an immediate reduction in the taxes.

00:02:00That's all that the people are asking for.

00:02:01I am sorry, but I'm inclined to agree with the people.

00:02:04The government has been mismanaged.

00:02:06What?

00:02:06I will lend the money, but only on condition that His Excellency withdraw

00:02:10and place the government in new hands.

00:02:12You asked me to give up my office?

00:02:13Yes, Your Excellency.

00:02:15In a crisis like this, I feel Fredonia needs a new leader.

00:02:18A progressive, fearless fighter.

00:02:20A man like Rufus T. Firefly.

00:02:23A Rufus T. Firefly?

00:02:24I will lend the money to Fredonia only if Firefly is appointed leader.

00:02:52The Honorable Secretary of Finance and Party.

00:03:05His Excellency Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania.

00:03:18Ambassador.

00:03:19Mrs. Deasdale.

00:03:21It was so good of you to come.

00:03:23I'm anxious for you to meet the new leader of our country.

00:03:25No matter who rules in Fredonia, Mrs. Deasdale, to me, you will always be the first lady of the land.

00:03:31Oh, permit me.

00:03:32This is Miss Vera Markell, Ambassador Trentino.

00:03:35Miss Markell needs no introduction.

00:03:36I've seen her dance many times at the theater.

00:03:41The Honorable Pantu of Muff Pan.

00:03:43I'm Mr. Greasy's honor.

00:03:52What have you found out?

00:03:53Nothing.

00:03:53I'll be waiting to hear from you.

00:03:55I've given up the idea of a revolution.

00:03:56I have a better plan.

00:03:57Oh, yes.

00:03:58I can gain control of Fredonia much easier by marrying Mrs. Deasdale.

00:04:02Maybe that's not going to be so easy.

00:04:04Eh?

00:04:05Oh, from what I hear.

00:04:06You see, Mrs. Deasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly.

00:04:10Oh, well, that's where you come in.

00:04:11I'm going to place him in your hands.

00:04:13And I don't have to tell you what to do or how to...

00:04:16Careful.

00:04:18I want you to meet His Excellency's secretary, Bob Roland.

00:04:22Ambassador Trentino.

00:04:23How do you do, sir?

00:04:24How do you do?

00:04:24Miss Markell.

00:04:25We've met.

00:04:26Of course.

00:04:27Well, I hope His Excellency gets here soon.

00:04:30His Excellency makes it a point always to be on time.

00:04:32As long as I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment.

00:04:35His Excellency is due to take his station

00:04:39Beginning his new administration

00:04:42He'll make his appearance when

00:04:45The clock on the wall strikes ten

00:04:49When the clock on the wall strikes ten

00:04:52All you loyal ladies and you chaotic men

00:04:57Let's sing the national anthem when

00:05:01The clock on the wall strikes ten

00:05:12His Excellency is due to take his station

00:05:15His Excellency is due to take his station

00:05:34The clock on the wall strikes ten

00:05:35To show him we're glad he's here

00:05:37Hail!

00:05:38Hail!

00:05:39Hail!

00:05:39Freedom!

00:05:47Freedom!

00:05:50Young!

00:05:51Young!

00:05:52Young!

00:05:53Land of the Great!

00:05:56And the Great!

00:06:08And the Great!

00:06:13Hail!

00:06:14Hail!

00:06:15Hail!

00:06:17Young!

00:06:19Young!

00:06:21Young!

00:06:30Young!

00:06:33Young!

00:06:34Young!

00:06:35Young!

00:06:36Young!

00:06:37Young!

00:06:44You're expecting somebody?

00:06:46Yes.

00:06:56Oh, Your Excellency.

00:06:59We've been expecting you.

00:07:01As chairwoman of the reception committee,

00:07:03I extend the good wishes of every man, woman, and child of Fredonia.

00:07:07Never mind that stuff. Take a card.

00:07:09Card? What will I do with the card?

00:07:10You can keep it. I've got 51 left.

00:07:12Now, what were you saying?

00:07:13As chairwoman of the reception committee,

00:07:16I welcome you with open arms.

00:07:18Is that so? How late do you stay open?

00:07:20I've sponsored your appointment

00:07:22because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Fredonia.

00:07:25Well, that covers a lot of ground.

00:07:27Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself.

00:07:28You better beat it.

00:07:29I hear they're going to take you down

00:07:30and put up an office building where you're standing.

00:07:32You can leave in a taxi.

00:07:33If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff.

00:07:35If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

00:07:37You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here.

00:07:39You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

00:07:41The future of Fredonia rests on you.

00:07:45Promise me you'll follow in the footsteps of my husband.

00:07:49How do you like that?

00:07:50I haven't been on the job five minutes

00:07:51and already she's making advances to me.

00:07:53Not that I care, but where is your husband?

00:07:55Why, he's dead.

00:07:57I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

00:07:59I was with him till the very end.

00:08:01No wonder he passed away.

00:08:03I held him in my arms and kissed him.

00:08:06Oh, I see.

00:08:07Then it was murder.

00:08:08Will you marry me?

00:08:09Did he leave you any money?

00:08:10Answer the second question first.

00:08:11He left me his entire fortune.

00:08:13Is that so?

00:08:14Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you?

00:08:15I love you.

00:08:17Oh, Your Excellency.

00:08:19You're not so bad yourself.

00:08:21Oh, I want to present you Ambassador Trentino of Salvania.

00:08:26Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.

00:08:29Thank you, but I can't stay very long.

00:08:31That's even a greater pleasure.

00:08:33Now, how about lending this country $20 million, you old-skinned Flint?

00:08:36$20 million is a lot of money.

00:08:37I'd like to take that up with my Minister of Finance.

00:08:40Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $12 until payday?

00:08:42$12?

00:08:43Don't be scared.

00:08:44You'll get it back.

00:08:45I'll give you my personal note for 90 days.

00:08:46If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note.

00:08:48Your Excellency, haven't we seen each other somewhere before?

00:08:52I don't think so.

00:08:52I'm not sure I'm seeing you now.

00:08:53It must be something I ate.

00:08:55Look here, sir.

00:08:56Are you trying to...

00:08:57Don't look now.

00:08:59But there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

00:09:02Oh, I'm so sorry.

00:09:05I want you to meet a very charming lady.

00:09:08And it's about time.

00:09:09Just a moment.

00:09:11I want to present Miss Vera Markell.

00:09:13Go ahead.

00:09:14I can take it.

00:09:15Oh, you don't understand.

00:09:16This is Vera Markell, the famous dancer.

00:09:20Is that so?

00:09:20Can you do this one?

00:09:25I danced before Napoleon.

00:09:27No, Napoleon danced before me.

00:09:29In fact, he danced 200 years before me.

00:09:31Here's one I picked up in a dance hall.

00:09:35Here's another one I picked up in a dance hall.

00:09:39Perhaps sometime we get a chance to dance together, huh?

00:09:43I can dance with you until the cows come home.

00:09:45On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows than you come home.

00:09:49Where's my secretary?

00:09:50Here I am.

00:09:51Good heavens, Your Excellency.

00:09:53Uh, take a letter.

00:09:54Who to?

00:09:55To my dentist.

00:09:56Uh, dear dentist.

00:09:58Enclosed fine check for $500.

00:10:00Yours very truly.

00:10:00Send that off immediately.

00:10:02I'll, uh, I'll have to enclose the check first.

00:10:04You do, and I'll fire you.

00:10:05Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you.

00:10:09Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor.

00:10:13This is a gala day for you.

00:10:15Well, a gala day is enough for me.

00:10:16I don't think I can handle anymore.

00:10:18If it's not asking too much.

00:10:21For our information, just for illustration,

00:10:26tell us how you intend to run the nation.

00:10:31These are the laws of my administration.

00:10:36No one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke,

00:10:39and whistling is forbidden.

00:10:41We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke.

00:10:45We'll, we'll, we'll go young.

00:10:47If chewing gum is chewed, the chewer is pursued,

00:10:50and in the hoos cow hidden.

00:10:52If we choose to chew, we'll be pursued.

00:10:55If any form of pleasure is exhibited,

00:10:58report to me, and it will be prohibited.

00:11:01I'll put my foot down, so shall it be.

00:11:04This is the land of the free.

00:11:08The last man nearly ruined this place.

00:11:09He didn't know what to do with it.

00:11:11If you think this country's bad off now,

00:11:12just wait till I get through with it.

00:11:19The country's taxes must be fixed,

00:11:20and I know what to do with it.

00:11:22If you think you're paying too much now,

00:11:23just wait till I get through with it.

00:11:31I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair.

00:11:34I'm strictly on the up and up, so everyone beware.

00:11:37If anyone's caught taking graft,

00:11:39and I don't get my share,

00:11:41we stand them up against the wall,

00:11:42and up goes the weasel.

00:11:44So everyone beware, crooked or unfair.

00:11:47I want to take a piece of graft,

00:11:49and I don't get my share.

00:11:53If any man should come between a husband and his bride,

00:11:56we find out which one she prefers by letting her decide.

00:11:59If she prefers the other man,

00:12:01the husband steps outside.

00:12:03We stand them up against the wall,

00:12:04and pop goes the weasel.

00:12:12You have an appointment at the House of Representatives.

00:12:19Good heavens!

00:12:20You can't go with your trousers up.

00:12:22I can, eh?

00:12:23Well, they'll never catch me any other way.

00:12:25My car.

00:12:26His Excellency's car.

00:12:27His Excellency's car.

00:12:29His Excellency's car.

00:12:32His Excellency's car.

00:12:53I'm in a hurry.

00:12:53To the House of Representatives.

00:12:54Ride like fury.

00:12:56If you run out of gas, get Ethel.

00:12:57If Ethel runs out, get Mabel.

00:12:58Now step on him.

00:13:07Well, it certainly feels good to be back again.

00:13:25I have failed, Ambassador.

00:13:27I know it.

00:13:27I know it, you idiot.

00:13:28I'm sorry.

00:13:29You have muddled everything.

00:13:31If you'd started the revolution as I planned,

00:13:33during the turmoil, I could have stepped in

00:13:35and placed Fredonia under the Sylvainian flag.

00:13:37Our flag.

00:13:38But Firefly blocked us.

00:13:40Your Excellency, you have no idea

00:13:42how popular he is in Fredonia.

00:13:43Oh, yes.

00:13:44I've known of that, too.

00:13:45That's why I have two spies shadowing him.

00:13:48I want to find out something about him.

00:13:49Something to disgrace him.

00:13:51To discredit him with the people.

00:13:54Ambassador, Ciccolini and Pinky are here.

00:13:56Ah, these are my spies.

00:13:57Show them in.

00:13:58Wait outside.

00:13:58All right.

00:14:07We fool you good, eh?

00:14:10Gentlemen!

00:14:19Gentlemen, what is this?

00:14:21Shh!

00:14:21This is spy stuff.

00:14:28I have a telegram for you, sir.

00:14:30Oh.

00:14:36He gets mad because he can't read.

00:14:38Oh, I see.

00:14:39Well, gentlemen, we have serious matters to discuss.

00:14:41So, please be seated.

00:14:44Rock-a-bye.

00:14:45Gentlemen, gentlemen.

00:14:45Now, then, about that information...

00:14:47Wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:14:48Here.

00:14:49Have a cigar.

00:14:50That's a good quarter cigar.

00:14:52I smoked the other three quarters myself.

00:14:53Yes, well, no, thank you.

00:14:54I have one of my own.

00:14:55Here.

00:14:55Try one of these.

00:14:59Yeah, it's no good.

00:15:08That's the good cigar.

00:15:09That's the fine.

00:15:11That's the good cigar.

00:15:16Now, let's concentrate.

00:15:17Have you been trailing Firefly?

00:15:20Have we been trailing Firefly?

00:15:22Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.

00:15:25Really?

00:15:26Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

00:15:30Look, we find out all about this Firefly.

00:15:32Here, look at this.

00:15:33Ah, very good, very good.

00:15:35Wait a minute.

00:15:35We must not be disturbed.

00:15:39Yes, sir?

00:15:40This is a very important conference,

00:15:42and I do not wish to be interrupted.

00:15:43Yes, sir.

00:15:46Ah, ah, ah, ah.

00:15:48Gentlemen, we are not getting anywhere.

00:15:56Get out!

00:15:59Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

00:16:00And now, gentlemen, please,

00:16:03will you tell me what you found out about Firefly?

00:16:06Well, you remember you gave us a picture of this man

00:16:08and said, follow him?

00:16:09Oh, yes.

00:16:10Well, we get on the job right away.

00:16:12And in the one hour, even in less than one hour.

00:16:14Yes?

00:16:15We lose to the pigs.

00:16:16That's a pretty quick word, eh?

00:16:18But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly.

00:16:21Did you bring me his record?

00:16:24No, no!

00:16:28And the boy gets a cigar.

00:16:30Ah!

00:16:33Now, Ciccolini, I want a full, detailed report of your investigation.

00:16:38All right, I tell you.

00:16:39Monday, we watched Firefly's house, but he no come out.

00:16:42He wasn't home.

00:16:44Tuesday, we go to the ball game, but he fool us.

00:16:46He no show up.

00:16:47Wednesday, he go to the ball game, and we fool him.

00:16:49We no show up.

00:16:51Thursday, it was a doubleheader.

00:16:52Nobody show up.

00:16:53Friday, it rained all day.

00:16:55There was no ball game.

00:16:55So, we stayed home, we listened to her over the radio.

00:16:57Then you didn't shadow Firefly.

00:17:00Oh, sure, we shadow fire.

00:17:02We shadow him all day.

00:17:03But what day was that?

00:17:04Saturday.

00:17:05That's some joke, eh, boss?

00:17:08Now, will you tell me what happened on Saturday?

00:17:11I'm glad you asked me.

00:17:13We follow this man down to a roadhouse.

00:17:15And at this roadhouse, he meet a married lady.

00:17:17A married lady?

00:17:18Yeah, I think it was his wife.

00:17:19Firefly has no wife?

00:17:20No.

00:17:21No!

00:17:22Then you know what I think, boss?

00:17:23What?

00:17:24I think we followed the wrong man.

00:17:27Oh, gentlemen, I am disappointed.

00:17:30I entrusted you with a mission of great importance, and you failed.

00:17:35However, I am going to give you one more chance.

00:17:38I have credentials here that will get you into any place in Fredonia.

00:17:43If I can only...

00:17:44Ah, here we are.

00:17:47Now, are you sure that you can trap Firefly?

00:17:54Remember this time, I expect results.

00:17:55Goodbye, and good luck.

00:17:57Okay, Cap.

00:17:59Come on, Pinky.

00:18:00Goodbye.

00:18:02Goodbye.

00:18:27All right.

00:18:28Meeting's called to order.

00:18:29Your Excellency, here's the Treasury Department's report.

00:18:33I hope you'll find it clear.

00:18:35Clear?

00:18:36Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report.

00:18:39Run out and find me a four-year-old child.

00:18:41I can't make a head or tail out of it.

00:18:43And now, members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.

00:18:46I wish to discuss the tariff.

00:18:48Sit down.

00:18:48That's new business.

00:18:50No old business?

00:18:51Very well.

00:18:51And we'll take up new business.

00:18:53No about that tariff.

00:18:54Too late.

00:18:54That's old business already.

00:18:55Sit down.

00:18:57Gentlemen, as your Secretary of War, I...

00:18:59The Secretary of War is out of order.

00:19:01Which reminds me, so is the plumbing.

00:19:03Make a note of that.

00:19:04Never mind.

00:19:04I'll do it myself.

00:19:08The Department of Labor wishes a report that the workers of Fredonia are demanding shorter hours.

00:19:13Very well.

00:19:13We'll give them shorter hours.

00:19:14We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.

00:19:17And now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new treasurer.

00:19:20But you appointed one last week.

00:19:22That's the one I'm looking for.

00:19:23Gentlemen, gentlemen, enough of this.

00:19:26How about taking up the tax?

00:19:27How about taking up the carpet?

00:19:29I still insist we must take up the tax.

00:19:31He's right.

00:19:31You've got to take up the tax before you can take up the carpet.

00:19:34I gave all my time and energy to my duties, and what do I get?

00:19:38You get awfully tiresome after a while.

00:19:40Sir, you try my patience.

00:19:41I don't mind if I do.

00:19:42You must come over and try mine sometime.

00:19:44That's the last straw.

00:19:45I resign.

00:19:46I washed my hands of the whole business.

00:19:49A good idea.

00:19:49You can wash your neck, too.

00:19:53Peanuts.

00:20:08Repent.

00:20:08Come here.

00:20:10Trust a guy I want to see.

00:20:12What do you find out about this guy, Firefly?

00:20:15You find out of something?

00:20:17You know find out of something?

00:20:18Spy on them?

00:20:20You no spy on them?

00:20:22That's about all the time I talk, you no say nothing.

00:20:24That's about you, no speak.

00:20:26I ain't that.

00:20:27Let's stop.

00:20:28What do you find?

00:20:30What do you find?

00:20:32That's no good.

00:20:34Hey, come here.

00:20:34You act crazy.

00:20:35What's the matter for you?

00:20:36What do you make a face like this?

00:20:37What's the matter for you?

00:20:38Ah, come on.

00:20:39You want to fight?

00:20:40You want to fight?

00:20:41Come on.

00:20:41I give you a fight.

00:20:43Hey, upstairs this time.

00:20:44No downstairs.

00:20:46Come on.

00:20:48Think of you what, huh?

00:21:01Hey, what's the idea of fighting in front of my place and driving my customers away?

00:21:05Hey, mister, you got a mistake of some place.

00:21:07I no fight.

00:21:08You understand that this guy, he's a worker for me.

00:21:10I ask him something and he's telling me nothing.

00:21:12I ask him why he no speak.

00:21:13All the time he no speak.

00:21:14What do you think he do?

00:21:15He make a fight, he go like this.

00:21:16Hey, what's the idea?

00:21:18Oh, that's not my idea.

00:21:19That's his idea.

00:21:20All the time I say something, he no say nothing.

00:21:23Every time I say...

00:21:23Will you shut up?

00:21:26Hey, listen.

00:21:27What are you doing around here?

00:21:29Who are you?

00:21:32Hey, can't you say...

00:21:35Can't you say anything?

00:21:36No, he no say nothing.

00:21:37Oh, shut up.

00:21:38I am a shut up, but mister, you don't understand.

00:21:40Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy.

00:21:41He work for me.

00:21:42I want him to find out of something, but he no find out what I want to find out.

00:21:45Now, how am I going to find out what I want to find out if he no find out what

00:21:48I got to find out?

00:21:49Will you quit annoying me?

00:21:50All right, I quit.

00:21:51All you got to do is make him stop doing this.

00:21:54Oh.

00:21:56Now, just for that, I'm going to tell you to live from live, live from live.

00:22:03I'm going to take them to do the same thing.

00:22:16Now, you see, I no say one thing.

00:22:18Mister, before will you?

00:22:19No.

00:22:20No, Ernest?

00:22:23Don't!

00:22:25Don't!

00:22:27Don't!

00:22:40Don't!

00:22:44Okay.

00:23:07Have it!

00:23:11Oh, now, now, I'm going to get you...

00:23:20What are you doing?

00:23:26Why...

00:23:50I'll teach you to kick me.

00:23:52You don't have to teach me. I know how.

00:23:57Stop it, Ellie. Look out, then.

00:24:02Oh, that's so good, eh?

00:24:09Peanuts!

00:24:10Hey!

00:24:15You want to be a public nuisance?

00:24:17Sure. How much does the job pay?

00:24:19I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

00:24:23Peanuts to you.

00:24:24Have you got a license?

00:24:26License? No, but my dog, he's got millions of them.

00:24:29Believe me, he's some smart dog.

00:24:31You know he went with Admiral Byrd to the pole?

00:24:34I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

00:24:36You win.

00:24:37Come on up here. I want to scare the cabinet.

00:24:42Hello? Hello?

00:24:44No. No, he's not in.

00:24:47All right, I tell him. Goodbye.

00:24:49That was for you.

00:24:51I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you.

00:24:53Now, listen here.

00:24:54You give up that silly peanut stand,

00:24:55and I'll get you a soft government job.

00:24:58Now, let's see.

00:24:59How would you like a job in the mint?

00:25:01Mint?

00:25:01No, no. I don't like a mint.

00:25:04What other flavor you got?

00:25:07Hello? Hello?

00:25:09No, not yet.

00:25:11All right, I tell him. Goodbye. Thank you.

00:25:14That was for you again.

00:25:15I wonder whatever became of me.

00:25:17I should have been back here a long time ago.

00:25:20Now, listen here.

00:25:20I've got a swell job for you,

00:25:22but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions.

00:25:25Now, what is it that has four pair of pants,

00:25:28lives in Philadelphia,

00:25:30and it never rains but it pours?

00:25:33That's a good one.

00:25:34I give you three guesses.

00:25:36Now, let me see.

00:25:36Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia,

00:25:39is it male or female?

00:25:40No, I don't think so.

00:25:42Is he dead?

00:25:43Who?

00:25:44I don't know.

00:25:46I give up.

00:25:47I give up, too.

00:25:48Now, I ask you another one.

00:25:50What is it?

00:25:51He's got a big black mustache,

00:25:53smokes a big black cigar,

00:25:55and he's a big pain in the neck.

00:25:57Now, don't tell me.

00:25:58Has a big black mustache,

00:26:01smokes a big black cigar,

00:26:03and has a big pain in...

00:26:06Does he wear glasses?

00:26:08That's right. You guess it quick.

00:26:09Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you.

00:26:11What job?

00:26:12Secretary of War.

00:26:13All right, I take it.

00:26:14Sold.

00:26:34You know, I'd be lost without a telephone.

00:26:36Hey, don't go away.

00:26:37I want to talk to you.

00:26:38Now, where were we?

00:26:39Oh, yes.

00:26:39Now that you're Secretary of War,

00:26:41what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

00:26:42Well, I'll tell you what I think.

00:26:44I think we should have a standing army.

00:26:46Why should we have a standing army?

00:26:48Because then we save money on chairs.

00:26:54Peanuts.

00:26:57Scat!

00:27:07Say, who are you anyway?

00:27:12I don't go on much for modern art.

00:27:13Have you got anything by one of the old masters?

00:27:20Not bad.

00:27:21You don't happen to have her telephone number.

00:27:29Say, you could be a big help to me.

00:27:31Where do you live?

00:27:36Well, it's not much of a place, but it's home.

00:27:45Well, I know one thing.

00:27:46I bet you haven't got a picture of my grandfather.

00:27:52Uh-uh.

00:27:53Not now.

00:27:55Some other time.

00:28:09Your Excellency.

00:28:10Quiet!

00:28:12This led us to work at Trentino.

00:28:13The man is trying to undermine you.

00:28:15Now, what are you going to do about it?

00:28:16I've got a good mind to ring his doorbell and run.

00:28:19We've got to get rid of that man at once.

00:28:21Now, I've got a plan.

00:28:22You say something to make him mad, and he'll strike you.

00:28:25And we'll force him to leave the country.

00:28:27That's a swell plan.

00:28:28Why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?

00:28:30Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man.

00:28:32Perhaps if you insult him.

00:28:34He's very easy to insult.

00:28:36Well, I said something to Vera Markell in his presence once,

00:28:38and he slapped my face.

00:28:39Why didn't Vera slap your face?

00:28:41She did.

00:28:41What'd you say to her?

00:28:46You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

00:28:48Where'd you hear that story?

00:28:49Well, you told it to me.

00:28:50Oh, yes.

00:28:51I remember.

00:28:52I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.

00:28:55Where is Trentino?

00:28:56At Mrs. Teasdale's tea party.

00:28:58Was I invited?

00:28:58No.

00:28:59Take a letter.

00:29:02You are cordially invited to attend my tea party.

00:29:06Sign Mrs. Teasdale's name and tell her I accept.

00:29:08Come on, let's go.

00:29:18I've got an appointment to insult Ambassador Trentino.

00:29:21I don't want to keep him waiting.

00:29:21Step on her.

00:29:27This is the fifth trip I've made today, and I haven't been anywhere yet.

00:29:43You don't seem to be making much progress with Mrs. Teasdale, huh?

00:29:47How can I?

00:29:48Every time I get her in the right mood to say yes, Firefly pops in.

00:29:53Well, this is your opportunity.

00:29:55He won't be here today.

00:29:57Are you sure?

00:29:58Positive.

00:30:00I have Mrs. Teasdale with the invitation.

00:30:03Oh.

00:30:04His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly.

00:30:09Hail!

00:30:10Hail!

00:30:11Hail!

00:30:12Rilonia!

00:30:15Welcome, friend!

00:30:18I'm free!

00:30:24Gloria, I've waited for years.

00:30:26I can't be put off any longer.

00:30:27I love you.

00:30:28I want you.

00:30:28Can't you see I'm at your feet?

00:30:30When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine.

00:30:33If that isn't an insult, I don't know what is.

00:30:35Gloria, I love you.

00:30:36I realize how lonely you are.

00:30:38Can't we go someplace where we can be by ourselves?

00:30:40What can this mug offer you?

00:30:41Wealth and family?

00:30:43I can't give you wealth, but we can have a little family of our own.

00:30:47Oh, Rufus.

00:30:48All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.

00:30:51Your Excellency, I really don't know what to say.

00:30:55I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place.

00:30:57Maybe you can suggest something.

00:30:59As a matter of fact, you do suggest something.

00:31:01To me, you suggest a baboon.

00:31:03What?

00:31:03I, uh, I'm sorry I said that.

00:31:06It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.

00:31:08This man's conduct is inexcusable.

00:31:10Gentlemen, gentlemen!

00:31:11I did not come here to be insulted.

00:31:13That's what you think.

00:31:15You swine.

00:31:15Come again?

00:31:16You worm.

00:31:17Once more?

00:31:18You upstart.

00:31:19That's it.

00:31:21Touché.

00:31:22Mrs. Teeley, I'm afraid this regrettable occurrence may plunge our countries into war.

00:31:25Oh, this is terrible.

00:31:26I've said enough.

00:31:27I'm a man of few words.

00:31:29I'm a man of one words.

00:31:30Scram.

00:31:31The man doesn't live.

00:31:32Who can call a firefly an upstart?

00:31:34Why, the Mayflower was full of fireflies.

00:31:36And a few horseflies, too.

00:31:37The fireflies run the upper deck and the horseflies run the fireflies.

00:31:43Good day, my sweet.

00:31:44Oh, Your Excellency, I must speak to you.

00:31:47I'll see you at the theater tonight.

00:31:48I'll hold your seat until you get there.

00:31:50After you get there, you're on your own.

00:31:51His Excellency's car.

00:31:53His Excellency's car.

00:31:57No, no, you don't.

00:31:58I'm not taking any more chances.

00:31:59You can only fool a firefly twice.

00:32:01This time you ride in the sidecar.

00:32:17This is the only way to travel.

00:32:23Hey, Pinky.

00:32:24Come here.

00:32:26Watch this thing.

00:32:27Come on, Apostami.

00:32:29Come on.

00:32:29Come on, come on.

00:32:31Come on.

00:34:15His Excellency will listen to reason.

00:34:17I am prepared to pocket my pride and forget about the whole matter if he is.

00:34:21Ambassador, that's wonderful of you, but I'm afraid His Excellency won't hear of it.

00:34:25Oh, perhaps he will listen to you.

00:34:27Do you think so?

00:34:29Yes, of course.

00:34:30I'll call him.

00:34:41I hate to disturb you.

00:34:43I know you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once.

00:34:46Where are you?

00:34:48Oh, why not come over here?

00:34:50You can come in the back way.

00:34:51No one will see you.

00:34:53Well, if you think of it, bring some cheese.

00:34:57But, Your Excellency, you must come over.

00:34:59It's a long story.

00:35:00I can't tell it to you over the phone.

00:35:02Oh, it's that kind of a story.

00:35:04You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

00:35:05I'll be right over.

00:35:07He'll be right over.

00:35:08Perhaps you'd better wait outside until I've had a chance to talk to him.

00:35:11Very well.

00:35:11We'll be out here if you want us.

00:35:26How'd you get in here?

00:35:27Oh, Your Excellency, I'm so sorry to have to disturb you.

00:35:30Will you ever forgive me?

00:35:32After I leave here tonight, will you ever forgive me?

00:35:35Here are the plans of war.

00:35:37They're as valuable as your life, and that's putting them pretty cheap.

00:35:39Watch them like a cat watches her kittens.

00:35:42Have you ever had kittens?

00:35:43No, of course not.

00:35:44You're too busy running around playing bridge.

00:35:46Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you?

00:35:47I love you.

00:35:48Why don't you marry me?

00:35:49Why, marry you?

00:35:51You take me, and I'll take a vacation.

00:35:52I'll need a vacation if we're going to get married.

00:35:55Married.

00:35:56I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove.

00:35:59But I can't see the stove.

00:36:01Come, come, say the word, and you'll never see me again.

00:36:05Gloria.

00:36:12Griffiths, what are you thinking of?

00:36:15Oh, I was just thinking of all the years I've wasted collecting stamps.

00:36:19Oh, I suppose you'll think me a sentimental old fluff, but would you mind giving me a lock of your

00:36:27hair?

00:36:28A lock of my hair?

00:36:31Oh, I had no idea.

00:36:32I'm letting you off easy.

00:36:33I was going to ask for the whole wig.

00:36:35I'm going to ask for the whole wig.

00:36:42So, you've come to ask for clemency.

00:36:44Your Excellency, the ambassador's here on a friendly visit.

00:36:47He's had a change of heart.

00:36:49A lot of good that'll do him.

00:36:50He's still got the same face.

00:36:53I'm sorry we lost our tempers.

00:36:54I'm willing to forget, if you are.

00:36:56Forget?

00:36:56You ask me to forget?

00:36:58A firefly never forgets.

00:37:00Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves and I'd only have to bury them again.

00:37:04Nothing doing.

00:37:05I'm going back and cleaning the crackers out of my bed.

00:37:07I'm expecting company.

00:37:09Please wait.

00:37:09Let go of me, you bully.

00:37:13I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.

00:37:16It's too late.

00:37:17I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

00:37:19Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do?

00:37:23Yes, but I'll talk to you about that later.

00:37:25Won't you reconsider?

00:37:27Please relent, for my sake.

00:37:30Well, maybe I am a little headstrong, but I come by it honestly.

00:37:34My father was a little headstrong.

00:37:36My mother was a little armstrong.

00:37:38Their headstrongs married the armstrongs, and that's why darkies were born.

00:37:43It was silly of me to lose my temper on account of that little thing you called me.

00:37:47The little thing I called you?

00:37:48Why, what did I call you?

00:37:50Gosh, I don't even remember what it was.

00:37:54Well, do you mean a word?

00:37:57No, that wasn't it.

00:37:59I know.

00:38:00Swine.

00:38:01Uh-uh.

00:38:02No, it was a seven-letter word.

00:38:05Oh, yes, Upstart.

00:38:07That's it, Upstart.

00:38:08Oh, please, please.

00:38:09Mrs. Teasdale, this man is impossible.

00:38:11This is an outrage.

00:38:11My course is clear.

00:38:12This means war.

00:38:14Oh.

00:38:14You runt.

00:38:15I still like Upstart the best.

00:38:17I shan't stay here a minute longer.

00:38:20Go and never darken my towels again.

00:38:21My hat, my towel.

00:38:24Oh.

00:38:26I happen to know that Fredonia's plans of war are in Mrs. Teasdale's possession.

00:38:31I must get hold of them.

00:38:32Yes, but how?

00:38:33We have a weekend guest in Mrs. Teasdale's house, Miss Markell.

00:38:39Now, gentlemen, do you mind waiting for me outside?

00:38:42I'll join you in a moment.

00:38:43Certainly.

00:38:48Excuse me.

00:39:00Yes, I am alone.

00:39:01No, not yet.

00:39:03But, Vera, we've got to work fast.

00:39:04You must get hold of those plans tonight.

00:39:07Chikilini and his partner should be there any minute.

00:39:09Do everything you can to help them.

00:39:10But I must be very careful.

00:39:12There's another guest staying here for the weekend.

00:39:15Firefly.

00:39:16I don't know.

00:39:17I think he's asleep.

00:39:31Ring the bell.

00:39:36Push the button.

00:39:37I don't know.

00:39:39I don't know.

00:39:41I don't know.

00:39:51I don't know.

00:39:56I don't know.

00:40:29You got the plans?

00:40:31No, but they're somewhere in the house, and you must find them.

00:40:34Oh, for heaven's sakes, whatever you do, don't make a sound.

00:40:37If you're found, you're lost.

00:40:38Oh, you're crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

00:40:44Got a flashlight?

00:40:48Shh, shh, shh.

00:40:50You don't know how serious this is.

00:40:52If they catch you, you'll be court-martialed and shot.

00:40:55Oh, Vera?

00:41:00I must go before she looks for me.

00:41:02Now remember, whatever you do, don't make a sound.

00:41:32You don't know what you do, don't make a sound.

00:41:56You stay here, but keep quiet.

00:41:58Remember what she said.

00:41:59If we get caught, we're going to get, uh, court-plasted.

00:42:11Your Excellency, I'm worried. I can't sleep.

00:42:14What?

00:42:15You're worried?

00:42:16You can't sleep?

00:42:18That's fine. Now you woke me up.

00:42:20Now I can't sleep.

00:42:21It's about those plans.

00:42:22I won't rest until they're back in your hands.

00:42:27Won't you please come over and get them?

00:42:29Oh, the plans?

00:42:30Okay, I'll be right over.

00:42:39Let me out.

00:42:40Let me out.

00:42:46Let me out of here.

00:42:47Hey, let me out of here or throw me a magazine.

00:42:54Well, that's your game, eh?

00:42:56I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your door in.

00:43:08Come in.

00:43:12Oh, Your Excellency, I'm so glad you've come.

00:43:15I'm glad I've come, too.

00:43:16You got other plans?

00:43:18Oh, Your Excellency, you sound so strange.

00:43:21Why are you talking like that?

00:43:22Oh, well, you see, maybe sometime I'll go to Italy

00:43:24and I'm practicing the language.

00:43:35I'll see my lawyer about this

00:43:36as soon as he graduates from law school.

00:43:41Your dialect is perfect.

00:43:43I could listen to you all night.

00:43:45That's all right, but I can't stay here all night.

00:43:47Where's the plans?

00:43:48They're in the safe downstairs.

00:43:50I'd write out the combination.

00:44:03Oh, there you are.

00:44:05Here's the combination.

00:44:07Is that clear?

00:44:10Is there anything else you want to know?

00:44:13What's the matter with you?

00:44:14Have you lost your voice?

00:44:17Let me get you a glass of water.

00:44:19Your Excellency.

00:44:25Your Excellency, here's your water.

00:44:28What in the world's the matter with you?

00:44:34Your Excellency, I thought you left.

00:44:36Oh, no, I no leave.

00:44:38But I saw you with my own eyes.

00:44:40Well, who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

00:44:45Your Excellency, I'm sorry,

00:44:46but this excitement's too much for me.

00:44:48I feel faint.

00:44:50Wait, I'll get you a glass of water.

00:45:07How about my glass of water?

00:45:09I give up.

00:45:09How about your glass of water?

00:45:12How about your glass of water?

00:45:45How about your glass of water?

00:46:02What's that?

00:46:03Sounds to me like mice.

00:46:05Mice? Mice don't play music.

00:46:07No? How about the old maestro?

00:46:30Get me headquarters.

00:46:31Not hindquarters. Headquarters.

00:46:34Hello?

00:46:35Rush the guards right over to Mrs. Teazales and have them surround the house.

00:54:131,000,

00:54:18This is the last straw.

00:54:19There's no turning back now.

00:54:20This means war.

00:54:26Then it's war.

00:54:27Then it's war.

00:54:28Then it's war.

00:54:29Then it's war.

00:54:35Freedom is going to war

00:54:37Each native son will grab a gun

00:54:38And run away to war

00:54:40At last we're going to

00:54:41Freedom on the streets of war

00:54:43At last the country's going to war

00:54:45At last the country's going to war

00:54:47At last the country's going to war

00:54:49We're going to war

00:54:50This is a fact we can't ignore

00:54:51We're going to war

00:54:53This is a fact we can't ignore

00:54:54We're going to war

00:54:56In case you haven't heard before

00:54:57I think they think we're going to war

00:54:59I think they think we're going to war

00:55:00We're going to war

00:55:02I think they think we're going to war

00:55:03We're going to war.

00:55:05We're going to war.

00:55:06We're going to war.

00:55:08We're going to war.

00:55:33We're going to war.

00:56:35Elfidonia, oh don't you cry for me

00:56:37As I'm coming around the mountain with a banjo on my knees

00:56:43Elfidonia, oh don't you cry for me

00:56:45As I'm coming around the mountain with a banjo on my knees

00:57:10To war, to war, to war we gotta go

00:57:14To war, to war, to war

00:57:27To war, to war, you soon will say goodbye

00:57:31Oh, how would you cry for Firefly if Firefly should die

00:57:35On the waiting and in, on the waiting and in

00:57:37On the waiting and in, on the waiting and on

00:57:39The dawn of victory, we're here to lead the waves

00:57:42Our parents don't have legs, until the death of days

00:57:45We're rallying on the banks, the banks, the banks, the banks

00:57:53The enemy is coming, there'll be two lamps in the steeple

00:57:56If they're coming by land and one if they're coming by sea

00:58:03They've double-crossed me, they're coming by land and sea

00:58:07Glide through every village and town

00:58:08Wake every citizen uphill and down

00:58:10Selling the enemy comes from afar

00:58:12With a hey-nan-nani and a ha-cha-cha

00:58:14Be off, my lad

00:58:27ify wizard

00:58:28Of the falch

00:58:36The movement of the club

00:58:39We find the Meru

00:58:39Here of the cross

00:58:39Of the bridge

00:58:39Firefly

00:58:39Fifty

00:58:40Ben

00:58:40With

00:58:40Three

00:58:45Quicks

00:59:09My husband!

00:59:10Quickly, hide your name.

00:59:13What a...

00:59:19Redonia is going to war.

00:59:21I'm going to take a bath.

01:00:06I'm going to take a bath.

01:00:29I'm going to take a bath.

01:00:50I'm going to take a bath.

01:00:52I'm going to take a bath.

01:00:57We'll buy them ready-made.

01:00:58Here, run out and get some trenches.

01:00:59Yes, sir.

01:01:00Wait a minute.

01:01:01Get them this high and our soldiers won't need any pants.

01:01:03Yes, sir.

01:01:03Wait a minute.

01:01:04Get them this high and we won't need any soldiers.

01:01:06Yes, sir.

01:01:07Ciccolini, your partners deserted us, but I'm still counting on you.

01:01:10There's a machine gun nest near Hill 28.

01:01:11I want it cleaned out.

01:01:12All right.

01:01:13I'll tell the janitor.

01:01:15Message from the front, sir.

01:01:16Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front.

01:01:18Don't we ever get a message from the side?

01:01:22What is it?

01:01:23General Smith reports a gas attack.

01:01:24He wants to know what to do.

01:01:25Tell them to take a teaspoon full of bicarbonate soda and a half a glass of water.

01:01:28Yes, sir.

01:01:32Any answer to that message?

01:01:34No, sir.

01:01:34Well, in that case, don't send us.

01:01:46Gentlemen, this is the last straw.

01:01:48Where's my Stradivarius?

01:01:49Here, sir.

01:01:51I'll show them they can't fiddle around the old Firefly.

01:01:59Look at them run.

01:02:00Now they know they've been in a war.

01:02:01Your Excellency.

01:02:03They're fleeing like rats.

01:02:04But, sir, I've got the chance.

01:02:05Remind me to give myself the Firefly medal for this.

01:02:07Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men.

01:02:10What?

01:02:11You're shooting your own men.

01:02:13Here's five dollars.

01:02:14Keep it under your hat.

01:02:15Some of mine.

01:02:16I'll keep it under my hat.

01:02:18Now we've got to have more men or we're lost.

01:02:20Don't be alarmed.

01:02:21I've got a man combing the countryside for volunteers.

01:02:29Your Excellency.

01:02:31The army's morale is crumbling.

01:02:32The men are breaking ranks.

01:02:33Where's the Secretary of War?

01:02:34That's it.

01:02:35Where is the Secretary of War?

01:02:36The soldiers are waiting for his orders.

01:02:38His Excellency, the Secretary of War.

01:02:46Awfully decent of you to drop in today.

01:02:48Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat?

01:02:51What do you intend to do about it?

01:02:52I've done it already.

01:02:53You've done what?

01:02:54I've changed to the other side.

01:02:55So, you're on the other side, eh?

01:02:56Well, what are you doing over here?

01:02:58Well, the food is better over here.

01:03:05Ciccolini, I need you badly right now.

01:03:07Why don't you take the comeback and wait for me again?

01:03:09I'll take a vacation.

01:03:10Good.

01:03:10You're hired.

01:03:12Now, go out on that battlefield and lead those men to victory.

01:03:15Go on.

01:03:15They're waiting for you.

01:03:17I wouldn't go out there unless I was in one of those big iron things.

01:03:21Go up and down like this.

01:03:21What do you call all those things?

01:03:23Tanks.

01:03:23You're welcome.

01:03:26Your Excellency, you must come over here at once.

01:03:28There's danger here.

01:03:30Why not come over here?

01:03:31There's no danger here.

01:03:45Shh.

01:03:46Rupert.

01:03:53Wait a minute.

01:03:55I want to find out something.

01:04:00Just as I thought.

01:04:01The coast is clear.

01:04:03Tanks!

01:04:04Tanks!

01:04:05Tanks!

01:04:06Tanks!

01:04:06Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor,

01:04:08which is probably more than she ever did.

01:04:10You may continue.

01:04:12There goes my gun.

01:04:13Run out and get that like a good girl.

01:04:15Oh, I hate you!

01:04:16We can't last much longer.

01:04:17Our ammunition supplies are very low.

01:04:18Man the boats, Lieutenant.

01:04:19I'll get help.

01:04:28Call the all nations.

01:04:29Call the all nations.

01:04:30Call the all nations.

01:04:30This is Rupert.

01:04:33This is Rupert, T-

01:04:34Firefly, coming to you through the courtesy of the enemy.

01:04:36We're in a mess, folks.

01:04:37We're in a mess.

01:04:38Rush to Fredonia.

01:04:39Three men and one woman are trapped in the building.

01:04:40Send help at once.

01:04:42If you can't send help, send two more women.

01:04:45Make it three more women.

01:04:48Your Excellency, we can't hold out much longer.

01:04:50We must have help.

01:04:57One of us has got to break through the lines

01:04:58and get word of General Cooper and his men.

01:05:00Which one of us...

01:05:02Why back there?

01:05:03Which one of us is going to have the rare privilege

01:05:05of sacrificing his life for his country?

01:05:07We draw a lot.

01:05:07Sweet.

01:05:08I got it.

01:05:10Rinsepot.

01:05:11One shot, two shot, zig zag, zap.

01:05:12Pop die, can he get ten light, half head him,

01:05:14scared him, watch and tear him, tear it, tore.

01:05:17I did it wrong.

01:05:18Wait, wait, wait.

01:05:19I start here.

01:05:21Rinsepot.

01:05:21One shot, two shot, zig zag, zap.

01:05:22Pop die, can he get ten light, half head him,

01:05:24scared him, watch and tear him, tear it, tore.

01:05:26That's no good, too.

01:05:27Oh, I got it, I got it.

01:05:29Rinsepot.

01:05:31You're a brave man.

01:05:32Go and break through the lines.

01:05:34And remember, while you're out there

01:05:35risking life and limb through shot and shell,

01:05:37we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.

01:05:39Goodbye, moment blank, goodbye.

01:05:42Oh, Fredonia.

01:05:43Oh, Fredonia.

01:05:44Oh, Fredonia.

01:05:48Who are you?

01:05:49Who are you?

01:05:50Where did they get you?

01:05:53Hey, careful with the water.

01:05:55It's the only water we got.

01:05:56Well, it's the only woman we got.

01:06:05We're surrounded.

01:06:06They're attacking from the rear.

01:06:07They're coming this way.

01:06:08We'll battle people along.

01:06:09Let's go.

01:06:19This is Firefly talking.

01:06:21Send a help at once.

01:06:22Help is on the way.

01:06:23Carry on, men.

01:06:25Help is on the way.

01:06:50They got me.

01:06:51They got me.

01:06:53Water.

01:06:59Water.

01:07:03Oh.

01:07:06Get me out of this.

01:07:07Get me out of this.

01:07:08Get me out of this.

01:07:10The last time this happened to me,

01:07:12I was crawling under a bed.

01:07:14Oh, it helped.

01:07:15Would only come.

01:07:17Your Excellency.

01:07:29Any mail from me while I was gone?

01:07:33Hold up with me.

01:07:34She's away from me.

01:07:37Let's go.

01:07:38Go, go, go.

01:07:40Go, go.

01:07:41Go.

01:07:41Oh.

01:07:47Hey, Trentino.

01:07:49Trentino, eh?

01:07:50That's a game.

01:07:54Trentino.

01:07:55Get this.

01:07:56Call me an upstart, eh?

01:07:59I surrender! I surrender!

01:08:01I'm sorry, I'll have to wait until the food runs out.

01:08:04Victory is on!

01:08:06Hail, hail, friend Junior!

01:08:12Let me go!

01:08:28Go on, come on, come on, go!

01:08:31Let me go, come on, come on...

01:08:33Go!

01:08:53Go on, come on, come on, come on!

01:10:28Mrs. Teasdale.

01:10:29Yes, Your Excellency.

01:10:31I again ask you to reconsider.

01:10:33Gentlemen, I've already loaned Fredonia more than half the fortune my husband left me.

01:10:37I consider that money lost.

01:10:39And now, you're asking for another $20 million.

01:10:44But it will only be for a few months to meet this present emergency.

01:10:47With $20 million in the Treasury, we can announce an immediate reduction in the taxes.

01:10:50That's all that the people are asking for.

01:10:52I'm sorry, but I'm inclined to agree with the people.

01:10:54The government has been mismanaged.

01:10:56What?

01:10:56I will lend the money, but only on condition that His Excellency withdraw and place the government in new hands.

01:11:02You asked me to give up my office?

01:11:04Yes, Your Excellency.

01:11:05In a crisis like this, I feel Fredonia needs a new leader.

01:11:08A progressive, fearless fighter.

01:11:10A man like Rufus T. Firefly.

01:11:13A Rufus T. Firefly?

01:11:14I will lend the money to Fredonia, only if Firefly is appointed leader.

01:11:43The Honorable Secretary of Finance and Party.

01:11:56His Excellency, Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania.

01:12:08Ambassador.

01:12:09Mrs. Deasdale.

01:12:11It was so good of you to come.

01:12:13I'm anxious for you to meet the new leader of our country.

01:12:15No matter who rules in Fredonia, Mrs. Deasdale,

01:12:17to me, you will always be the first lady of the land.

01:12:21Oh, permit me.

01:12:22This is Miss Vera Markell, Ambassador Trentino.

01:12:25Miss Markell needs no introduction.

01:12:26I've seen her dance many times at the theater.

01:12:31The Honorable Pantu of Muff Pan.

01:12:34I must greet his honor.

01:12:42Now, what have you found out?

01:12:43Nothing.

01:12:44I'll be waiting to hear from you.

01:12:45I've given up the idea of a revolution.

01:12:46I have a better plan.

01:12:47Oh, yes.

01:12:48I can gain control of Fredonia much easier by marrying Mrs. Deasdale.

01:12:53Maybe that's not going to be so easy.

01:12:54Eh?

01:12:55Oh, from what I hear.

01:12:56You see, Mrs. Deasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly.

01:13:00Oh, well, that's where you come in.

01:13:01I'm going to place him in your hands.

01:13:03And I don't have to tell you what to do or how to...

01:13:06Careful.

01:13:08I want you to meet His Excellency's secretary, Bob Rowland, Ambassador Trentino.

01:13:13How do you do, sir?

01:13:14How do you do?

01:13:14Miss Markell.

01:13:15Who you've met?

01:13:16Of course.

01:13:17Well, I hope His Excellency gets here soon.

01:13:20His Excellency makes it a point always to be on time.

01:13:23As long as I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment.

01:13:25His Excellency is due to take his station, beginning his new administration.

01:13:33He'll make his appearance when the clock on the wall strikes ten.

01:13:39When the clock on the wall strikes ten, all you loyal ladies and you patriotic men,

01:13:47let's sing the national anthem when the clock on the wall strikes ten.

01:14:02His Excellency is due to take his station, beginning his new administration.

01:14:09He'll make his appearance when the clock on the wall strikes ten.

01:14:23We'll give him a rousing cheer to show him we're glad he's here.

01:14:28Hail, hail, hail, freedom, young!

01:14:45I am great!

01:15:09To be continued...

01:15:34You're expecting somebody?

01:15:36Yes.

01:15:47Oh, Your Excellency.

01:15:49We've been expecting you.

01:15:51As chairwoman of the reception committee,

01:15:53I extend the good wishes of every man, woman, and child of Fredonia.

01:15:57Never mind that stuff. Take a card.

01:15:59Card? What will I do with the card?

01:16:00You can keep it. I've got 51 left.

01:16:02Now, what were you saying?

01:16:03As chairwoman of the reception committee,

01:16:06I welcome you with open arms.

01:16:08Is that so? How late do you stay open?

01:16:10I've sponsored your appointment

01:16:12because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Fredonia.

01:16:15Well, that covers a lot of ground.

01:16:17Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself.

01:16:19You better beat it.

01:16:19I hear they're going to take you down

01:16:20and put up an office building where you're standing.

01:16:22You can leave in a taxi.

01:16:23If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff.

01:16:25If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a half.

01:16:27You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here.

01:16:29You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

01:16:32The future of Fredonia rests on you.

01:16:35Promise me you'll follow in the footsteps of my husband.

01:16:39How do you like that?

01:16:40I haven't been on the job five minutes

01:16:41and already she's making advances to me.

01:16:43Not that I care, but where is your husband?

01:16:45Why, he's dead.

01:16:47I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

01:16:49I was with him till the very end.

01:16:51No wonder he passed away.

01:16:53I held him in my arms and kissed him.

01:16:56Oh, I see.

01:16:57Then it was murder.

01:16:58Will you marry me?

01:16:59Did he leave you any money?

01:17:00Answer the second question first.

01:17:02He left me his entire fortune.

01:17:03Is that so?

01:17:04Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you?

01:17:05I love you.

01:17:07Oh, Your Excellency.

01:17:09You're not so bad yourself.

01:17:12Oh, I want to present you

01:17:14Ambassador Trentino of Salvania.

01:17:16Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.

01:17:19Thank you, but I can't stay very long.

01:17:21That's even a greater pleasure.

01:17:23Now, how about lending this country $20 million,

01:17:25you old-skinned Flint?

01:17:26$20 million is a lot of money.

01:17:28I'd like to take that up with my Minister of Finance.

01:17:30Well, in the meantime,

01:17:31could you let me have $12 until payday?

01:17:33$12?

01:17:33Don't be scared.

01:17:34You'll get it back.

01:17:35I'll give you my personal note for 90 days.

01:17:37If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note.

01:17:39Your Excellency,

01:17:40haven't we seen each other somewhere before?

01:17:42I don't think so.

01:17:43I'm not sure I'm seeing you now.

01:17:44It must be something I ate.

01:17:45Look here, sir.

01:17:46Are you trying to...

01:17:47Don't look now.

01:17:49But there's one man too many in this room,

01:17:51and I think it's you.

01:17:52Oh, I'm so sorry.

01:17:55I want you to meet a very charming lady.

01:17:58And it's about time.

01:17:59Just a moment.

01:18:01I want to present Miss Vera Markell.

01:18:04Go ahead.

01:18:04I can take it.

01:18:05Oh, you don't understand.

01:18:07This is Vera Markell,

01:18:09the famous dancer.

01:18:10Is that so?

01:18:11Can you do this one?

01:18:16I danced before Napoleon.

01:18:17No, Napoleon danced before me.

01:18:19In fact, he danced 200 years before me.

01:18:21Here's one I picked up in a dance hall.

01:18:25Here's another one I picked up in a dance hall.

01:18:29Perhaps sometime we get a chance to dance together, huh?

01:18:33I can dance with you till the cows come home.

01:18:35Yeah.

01:18:35On second thought,

01:18:36I'd rather dance with the cows than you come home.

01:18:39Where's my secretary?

01:18:40Here I am.

01:18:41Good heavens, Your Excellency.

01:18:43Take a letter.

01:18:44Who to?

01:18:45To my dentist.

01:18:47Dear dentist,

01:18:48enclosed fine check for $500,

01:18:50yours very truly.

01:18:51Send that off immediately.

01:18:52I'll have to enclose the check first.

01:18:54You do, and I'll fire you.

01:18:55Your Excellency,

01:18:56the eyes of the world are upon you.

01:18:59Notables from every country

01:19:01are gathered here in your honor.

01:19:02This is a gala day for you.

01:19:05Well, a gala day is enough for me.

01:19:06I don't think I can handle any more.

01:19:08If it's not asking too much.

01:19:11For our information,

01:19:13just for illustration,

01:19:16tell us how you intend to run the nation.

01:19:21These are the laws of my administration.

01:19:26No one's allowed to smoke

01:19:28or tell a dirty joke

01:19:29and whistling is forbidden.

01:19:31We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke.

01:19:35We'll, we'll, we'll go young.

01:19:38If chewing gum is chewed,

01:19:39the chewer is pursued.

01:19:41And in the hooskow hidden,

01:19:42if we choose to chew,

01:19:44we'll be pursued.

01:19:45If any form of pleasure is exhibited,

01:19:48report to me and it will be prohibited.

01:19:51I'll put my foot down,

01:19:53so shall it be.

01:19:54This is the land of the free.

01:19:58The last man nearly ruined this place.

01:20:00He didn't know what to do with it.

01:20:01If you think this country's bad off now,

01:20:03just wait till I get through with it.

01:20:09The country's taxes must be fixed,

01:20:10and I know what to do with it.

01:20:12If you think you're paying too much now,

01:20:13just wait till I get through with it.

01:20:21I will not stand for anything

01:20:23that's crooked or unfair.

01:20:24I'm strictly on the up and up,

01:20:26so everyone beware.

01:20:27If anyone's caught taking graft,

01:20:29and I don't get my share,

01:20:31we stand them up against the wall

01:20:33and up goes the weasel.

01:20:34So everyone beware,

01:20:36crooked or unfair.

01:20:43If any man should come between

01:20:45a husband and his bride,

01:20:47we find out which one she prefers

01:20:48by letting her decide.

01:20:50If she prefers the other man,

01:20:51the husband steps outside.

01:20:53We stand them up against the wall

01:20:54and up goes the weasel.

01:20:59The husband steps outside,

01:21:01we need to share his bride.

01:21:03We stand them up against the wall

01:21:04and take him for the light.

01:21:06You have an appointment

01:21:07at the House of Representatives.

01:21:09Good heavens!

01:21:11You can't go with your trousers up.

01:21:13I can, eh?

01:21:13Well, they'll never catch me

01:21:14any other way.

01:21:15My car!

01:21:16His Excellency's car!

01:21:17His Excellency's car!

01:21:20His Excellency's car!

01:21:22His Excellency's car!

01:21:43You just have to pay for the

01:21:43I'm in a hurry!

01:21:44To the House of Representatives!

01:21:45Ride like fury!

01:21:46If you run out of gas,

01:21:47get Ethel.

01:21:47If Ethel runs out,

01:21:48get Mabel.

01:21:48Now, step on him.

01:21:57Well, it certainly feels

01:21:58good to be back again.

01:22:16I have failed, Ambassador.

01:22:17I know it. I know it, you idiot.

01:22:19I'm sorry.

01:22:20You have muddled everything.

01:22:21If you'd started the revolution as I planned,

01:22:23during the turmoil, I could have stepped in

01:22:25and placed Fredonia under the Sylvainian flag.

01:22:27Our flag.

01:22:28But Firefly blocked us.

01:22:30Your Excellency, you have no idea how popular he is in Fredonia.

01:22:34Oh, yes. I've known of that, too.

01:22:35That's why I have two spies shadowing him.

01:22:38I want to find out something about him.

01:22:40Something to disgrace him.

01:22:41To discredit him with the people.

01:22:44Ambassador, Ciccolini and Pinky are here.

01:22:46Ah, these are my spies. Show them in.

01:22:48Wait outside.

01:22:48All right.

01:22:57We fool you good, eh?

01:23:00Gentlemen!

01:23:09Gentlemen, what is this?

01:23:11Shh! This is spy stuff.

01:23:18I have a telegram for you, sir.

01:23:20No.

01:23:26He gets mad because he can't read.

01:23:28Oh, I see.

01:23:29Well, gentlemen, we have serious matters to discuss.

01:23:31So, please be seated.

01:23:34Rock-a-bye.

01:23:35Gentlemen, gentlemen.

01:23:36Now, then, about that information...

01:23:37Wait, wait, wait, wait.

01:23:38Here, have a cigar.

01:23:40That's a good quarter cigar.

01:23:42I smoked the other three quarters myself.

01:23:44Yes, well, no, thank you.

01:23:44I have one of my own.

01:23:45Here, try one of these.

01:23:49Yeah, it's no good.

01:23:58That's a good cigar.

01:23:59That's a fine.

01:24:01That's a good cigar.

01:24:06Now, let's concentrate.

01:24:08Have you been trailing Firefly?

01:24:11Have we been trailing Firefly?

01:24:13Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.

01:24:15Really?

01:24:16Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

01:24:20Look, we find out all about this, Firefly.

01:24:23Here, look at this.

01:24:24Ah, very good, very good.

01:24:25Wait a minute.

01:24:26We must not be disturbed.

01:24:29Yes, sir?

01:24:30This is a very important conference,

01:24:32and I do not wish to be interrupted.

01:24:34Yes, sir.

01:24:38Let's go.

01:24:39Gentlemen, we are not getting anywhere.

01:24:47Get out!

01:24:50And now, gentlemen, please, will you tell me what you found out about Firefly?

01:24:56Well, you remember you gave us a picture of this man and said, follow him?

01:24:59Oh, yes.

01:25:00Well, we get on the job right away.

01:25:02And in the one hour, even in less than one hour, we lose the pics.

01:25:06That's a pretty quick work, eh?

01:25:08But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly.

01:25:11Did you bring me his record?

01:25:14No, no!

01:25:18And the boy gets a cigar.

01:25:24Now, Ciccolini, I want a full, detailed report of your investigation.

01:25:28All right, I tell you.

01:25:30Monday, we watched Firefly's house, but he no come out.

01:25:33He wasn't home.

01:25:34Tuesday, we go to the ball game, but he fool us.

01:25:36He no show up.

01:25:37Wednesday, he go to the ball game, and we fool him.

01:25:40We no show up.

01:25:41Thursday, it was a doubleheader.

01:25:42Nobody show up.

01:25:43Friday, it rained all day.

01:25:45There was no ball game.

01:25:46So, we stayed home, we listened to her over the radio.

01:25:48Then you didn't shadow Firefly.

01:25:50Oh, sure, we shadow fire.

01:25:52We shadow him all day.

01:25:53But what day was that?

01:25:54Saturday.

01:25:55That's some joke, eh, boss?

01:25:58Now, will you tell me what happened on Saturday?

01:26:02I'm glad you asked me.

01:26:03We follow this man down to a roadhouse.

01:26:05And at this roadhouse, he meet a married lady.

01:26:07A married lady?

01:26:08Yeah, I think it was his wife.

01:26:09Firefly has no wife?

01:26:11No.

01:26:12Then you know what I think, boss?

01:26:14What?

01:26:14I think we followed the wrong man.

01:26:17Oh, gentlemen, I am disappointed.

01:26:20I entrusted you with a mission of great importance, and you failed.

01:26:25However, I am going to give you one more chance.

01:26:28I have credentials here that will get you into any place in Fredonia.

01:26:34If I can only...

01:26:35Ah, here we are.

01:26:37Now, are you sure that you can trap Firefly?

01:26:44Remember this time, I expect results.

01:26:46Goodbye, and good luck.

01:26:47Okay, Cap.

01:26:49Come on, Pinky.

01:26:50Goodbye.

01:26:51Goodbye.

01:27:18All right.

01:27:19Meetings call to order.

01:27:20Your Excellency, here's the Treasury Department's report.

01:27:23I hope you'll find it clear.

01:27:25Clear?

01:27:26Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report.

01:27:29Run out and find me a four-year-old child.

01:27:31I can't make a head or tail out of it.

01:27:33And now, members of the Cabinet, we'll take up all business.

01:27:36I wish to discuss the tariff.

01:27:38Sit down.

01:27:39That's new business.

01:27:40No old business?

01:27:41Very well.

01:27:42Then we'll take up new business.

01:27:43No about that tariff.

01:27:44Too late.

01:27:44That's old business already.

01:27:46Sit down.

01:27:47Gentlemen, as your Secretary of War, I...

01:27:50The Secretary of War is out of order.

01:27:51Which reminds me, so is the plumbing.

01:27:53Make a note of that.

01:27:54Never mind.

01:27:55I'll do it myself.

01:27:59The Department of Labor wishes a report that the workers of Fredonia are demanding shorter hours.

01:28:03Very well.

01:28:03We'll give them shorter hours.

01:28:04We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.

01:28:07And now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new treasurer.

01:28:10But you appointed one last week.

01:28:12That's the one I'm looking for.

01:28:14Gentlemen, gentlemen, enough of this.

01:28:16How about taking up the tax?

01:28:18How about taking up the carpet?

01:28:19I still insist we must take up the tax.

01:28:21He's right.

01:28:22You've got to take up the tax before you can take up the carpet.

01:28:25I give all my time and energy to my duties, and what do I get?

01:28:28You get awfully tiresome after a while.

01:28:30Sir, you try my patience.

01:28:32I don't mind if I do.

01:28:32You must come over and try mine sometime.

01:28:34That's the last straw.

01:28:35I resign.

01:28:36I washed my hands of the whole business.

01:28:39Good idea.

01:28:39You can wash your neck, too.

01:28:43Peanuts.

01:28:58Hey, come here.

01:29:00Trust the guy I want to see.

01:29:03What do you find out about this guy Firefly?

01:29:05You find out of something?

01:29:07You know find out of something?

01:29:09You spy on him?

01:29:10You know spy on him?

01:29:12What's the matter?

01:29:13All the time I talk, you no say nothing.

01:29:15What's the matter?

01:29:16You no speak, eh?

01:29:17Let's stop this.

01:29:18What do you find, eh?

01:29:20What do you find?

01:29:23That's no good.

01:29:24Hey, come here.

01:29:24You act crazy.

01:29:25What's the matter for you?

01:29:26What do you make a face like this?

01:29:27What's the matter for you?

01:29:28Oh, come on.

01:29:29You want to fight?

01:29:30You want to fight?

01:29:31Come on.

01:29:32I give you a fight.

01:29:33Hey, upstairs this time.

01:29:34No downstairs.

01:29:36Come on.

01:29:39Think of you are, eh?

01:29:51Hey, what's the idea of fighting in front of my place and driving my customers away?

01:29:55Hey, mister, you got a mistake of some place.

01:29:57I no fight.

01:29:58You understand that this guy, he's a worker for me.

01:30:00I ask him something and he's telling me nothing.

01:30:02I ask him why I no speak.

01:30:03All the time he no speak.

01:30:04What do you think he do?

01:30:05He make a fight, he go like this.

01:30:06Hey, what's the idea?

01:30:08Oh, that's not my idea.

01:30:10That's his idea.

01:30:11All the time I say something, he no say nothing.

01:30:13Every time I say...

01:30:13Will you shut up?

01:30:16Hey, listen.

01:30:17What are you doing around here?

01:30:19Who are you?

01:30:22Hey, can't you see...

01:30:25Can't you say anything?

01:30:26No, he no say nothing.

01:30:27Oh, shut up.

01:30:28I am a shut up.

01:30:29But mister, you don't understand.

01:30:30Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy.

01:30:32He work for me.

01:30:32I want him to find out something, but he don't find out what I want to find out.

01:30:35Now, how am I going to find out what I want to find out if he don't find out what

01:30:38I've got to find out?

01:30:39Will you quit annoying me?

01:30:41All right, I quit.

01:30:42All you've got to do is make him stop doing this.

01:30:46Now, just for that, I'm going to tell you to live from live, live from live.

01:30:53I'm going to take them to do the same thing.

01:31:07Now, you see, I must say one thing, mister, before one of you.

01:31:09No.

01:31:10No, honest.

01:31:14Don't.

01:31:58Have it.

01:32:01Oh, no.

01:32:02Now, now, I'm going to get you.

01:32:10What are you doing?

01:32:15Why?

01:32:40I'll teach you to kick me.

01:32:42You don't have to teach me.

01:32:43I know how.

01:32:47Stop it, Dully.

01:32:48Look out, then.

01:32:52Oh, that's so good, eh?

01:33:05You want to be a public nuisance?

01:33:07Sure.

01:33:07How much does the job pay?

01:33:09I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

01:33:12Peenuts.

01:33:13Peenuts.

01:33:14To you.

01:33:14Have you got a license?

01:33:16License?

01:33:16No, but my dog, he's got millions of them.

01:33:19Believe me, he's some smart dog.

01:33:22You know, he went with Admiral Boyd to the pole.

01:33:24I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

01:33:26You win.

01:33:27Come on up here.

01:33:28I want to scare the cabinet.

01:33:33Hello?

01:33:34Hello?

01:33:35No.

01:33:36No, he's not in.

01:33:37All right.

01:33:38I tell him.

01:33:38Goodbye.

01:33:39That was for you.

01:33:41I'm sorry I'm not in.

01:33:42I wanted to have a long talk with you.

01:33:43Now, listen here.

01:33:44You give up that silly peanut stand, and I'll get you a soft government job.

01:33:48Now, let's see.

01:33:49How would you like a job in the mint?

01:33:51Mint?

01:33:52No, no.

01:33:53I don't like a mint.

01:33:55What other flavor you got?

01:33:58Hello?

01:33:59Hello?

01:33:59No, not yet.

01:34:01All right.

01:34:02I tell him.

01:34:02Goodbye.

01:34:04That was for you again.

01:34:05I wonder whatever became of me.

01:34:08I should have been back here a long time ago.

01:34:10Now, listen here.

01:34:11I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions.

01:34:15Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?

01:34:23That's a good one.

01:34:24I give you three guesses.

01:34:26Now, let me see.

01:34:27Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia,

01:34:29is it male or female?

01:34:30No, I don't think so.

01:34:32Is he dead?

01:34:33Who?

01:34:34I don't know.

01:34:36I give up.

01:34:37I give up, too.

01:34:38Now, I ask you another one.

01:34:40What is it?

01:34:41Got a big black mustache, smokes a big black cigar, and he's a big pain in the neck.

01:34:47Now, don't tell me.

01:34:49Has a big black mustache, smokes a big black cigar, and there's a big pain in the...

01:34:56Does he wear glasses?

01:34:58That's right.

01:34:58You guess it quick.

01:34:59Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you.

01:35:01What job?

01:35:02Secretary of War.

01:35:03All right, I take it.

01:35:04Sold.

01:35:24You know, I'd be lost without a telephone.

01:35:26Hey, don't go away.

01:35:27I want to talk to you.

01:35:28Now, where were we?

01:35:29Oh, yes.

01:35:30Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

01:35:32Well, I'll tell you what I think.

01:35:34I think we should have a standing army.

01:35:36Why should we have a standing army?

01:35:38Because then we save money on chairs.

01:35:44Peanuts.

01:35:47Scat.

01:35:57Say, who are you anyway?

01:36:02I don't go on much for modern art.

01:36:03Have you got anything by one of the old masters?

01:36:10Not bad.

01:36:11You don't happen to have her telephone number.

01:36:19Say, you could be a big help to me.

01:36:21Where do you live?

01:36:26Well, it's not much of a place, but it's home.

01:36:31Well, I know one thing.

01:36:37I bet you haven't got a picture of my grandfather.

01:36:43Uh-uh.

01:36:43Not now.

01:36:46Some other time.

01:36:59Your Excellency.

01:37:00Quiet!

01:37:02This led us to work at Trentino.

01:37:04The man is trying to undermine you.

01:37:05Now, what are you going to do about it?

01:37:07I've got a good mind to ring his doorbell and run.

01:37:09We've got to get rid of that man at once.

01:37:11Now, I've got a plan.

01:37:12You say something to make him mad.

01:37:14And he'll strike you.

01:37:16And we'll force him to leave the country.

01:37:17That's a swell plan.

01:37:19Why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?

01:37:20Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man.

01:37:23Perhaps if you insult him.

01:37:24He's very easy to insult.

01:37:26Why said something to Vera Markell in his presence once

01:37:28and he slapped my face?

01:37:29Why didn't Vera slap your face?

01:37:31She did.

01:37:32What'd you say to her?

01:37:36You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

01:37:38Where'd you hear that story?

01:37:39Well, you told it to me.

01:37:40Oh, yes, I remember.

01:37:42I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face

01:37:44when she told it to me.

01:37:45Where is Trentino?

01:37:46At Mrs. Teasdale's tea party.

01:37:48Was I invited?

01:37:48No.

01:37:49Take a letter.

01:37:52You are cordially invited to attend my tea party.

01:37:56Sign Mrs. Teasdale's name and tell her I accept.

01:37:59Come on, let's go.

01:38:08I've got an appointment to insult Ambassador Trentino.

01:38:11I don't want to keep him waiting.

01:38:12Step on her.

01:38:17This is the fifth trip I made at A and I haven't been anywhere yet.

01:38:33You don't seem to be making much progress with Mrs. Teasdale, huh?

01:38:37How can I?

01:38:38Every time I get her in the right mood to say yes, Firefly pops in.

01:38:43Well, this is your opportunity.

01:38:45He won't be here today.

01:38:47Are you sure?

01:38:48Positive.

01:38:50I helped Mrs. Teasdale with the invitation.

01:38:53Oh.

01:38:55His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly.

01:39:00Hail, hail, Ritonio, welcome, friends, and friends.

01:39:15Gloria, I've waited for years.

01:39:16I can't be put off any longer.

01:39:17I love you.

01:39:18I want you.

01:39:18Can't you see I'm at your feet?

01:39:20When you get through with her feet, you can start out of mine.

01:39:23If that isn't an insult, I don't know what is.

01:39:25Gloria, I love you.

01:39:26I realize how lonely you are.

01:39:28Can't we go someplace where we can be by ourselves?

01:39:30What can this mug offer you?

01:39:32Wealth and family?

01:39:33I can't give you wealth, but we can have a little family of our own.

01:39:38Oh, Rufus.

01:39:39All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.

01:39:41Your Excellency, I really don't know what to say.

01:39:45I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place.

01:39:47Maybe you can suggest something.

01:39:49As a matter of fact, you do suggest something.

01:39:51To me, you suggest a baboon.

01:39:53What?

01:39:53I, uh, I'm sorry I said that.

01:39:56It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.

01:39:58This man's conduct is inexcusable.

01:40:00I did not come here to be insulted.

01:40:04That's what you think.

01:40:05You swine.

01:40:06Come again?

01:40:06You worm.

01:40:07Once more?

01:40:08You upstart.

01:40:09That's it.

01:40:11Touché.

01:40:12Mrs. Teevier, I'm afraid this regrettable occurrence may plunge our countries into war.

01:40:15Oh, this is terrible.

01:40:17I've said enough.

01:40:17I'm a man of few words.

01:40:19I'm a man of one word.

01:40:20Scram.

01:40:21The man doesn't live.

01:40:22Who can call a firefly an upstart?

01:40:24Why, the Mayflower was full of fireflies.

01:40:26And a few horseflies, too.

01:40:28The fireflies run the upper deck, and the horseflies run the fireflies.

01:40:33Good day, my sweet.

01:40:34Oh, Your Excellency, I must speak to you.

01:40:37I'll see you at the theater tonight.

01:40:38I'll hold your seat until you get there.

01:40:40After you get there, you're on your own.

01:40:41His Excellency's car.

01:40:43His Excellency's car.

01:40:47Oh, no, no, you don't.

01:40:48I'm not taking any more chances.

01:40:49You can only fool a firefly twice.

01:40:51This time, you ride in the sidecar.

01:41:07This is the only way to travel.

01:41:13Hey, Pinky, come here.

01:41:16Watch at the stand.

01:41:17Come on, Pastor Tommy.

01:41:19Come on.

01:41:20Come on.

01:41:23Hey, Pinky, come here.

01:41:54Hey, Pinky, come here.

01:42:47Mrs. Teasdale.

01:42:49I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with His Excellency, but His attitude left me no alternative.

01:42:54Maybe we can still avoid this terrible war.

01:42:57Oh, if we only could.

01:42:59Oh, yes, I do, I do.

01:43:00Mrs. Teasdale, I have been recalled by my president.

01:43:04Then it's too late?

01:43:05Not if His Excellency will listen to reason.

01:43:07I am prepared to pocket my pride and forget about the whole matter if he is.

01:43:11Ambassador, that's wonderful of you, but I'm afraid His Excellency won't hear of it.

01:43:15Oh, perhaps he will listen to you.

01:43:18Do you think so?

01:43:19Yes, of course.

01:43:20I'll call him.

01:43:21I'll call him.

01:43:31I hate to disturb you.

01:43:33I know you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once.

01:43:37Where are you?

01:43:39Oh, why not come over here?

01:43:40You can come in the back way.

01:43:41No one will see you.

01:43:43Well, if you think of it, bring some cheese.

01:43:47But, Your Excellency, you must come over.

01:43:49It's a long story.

01:43:50I can't tell it to you over the phone.

01:43:52Oh, it's that kind of a story.

01:43:54You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

01:43:55I'll be right over.

01:43:57He'll be right over.

01:43:58Perhaps you'd better wait outside until I've had a chance to talk to him.

01:44:01Very well.

01:44:01We'll be out here if you want us.

01:44:15Oh!

01:44:16How'd you get in here?

01:44:17Oh, Your Excellency, I'm so sorry to have to disturb you.

01:44:21Will you ever forgive me?

01:44:22After I leave here tonight, will you ever forgive me?

01:44:25Here are the plans of war.

01:44:27They're as valuable as your life.

01:44:28And that's putting them pretty cheap.

01:44:30Watch them like a cat watches her kittens.

01:44:32Have you ever had kittens?

01:44:33No, of course not.

01:44:34You're too busy running around playing bridge.

01:44:36Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you?

01:44:38I love you.

01:44:38Why don't you marry me?

01:44:40Why, marry you?

01:44:41You take me and I'll take a vacation.

01:44:43I'll need a vacation if we're going to get married.

01:44:45Married.

01:44:46I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove.

01:44:49But I can't see the stove.

01:44:51Come, come, say the word and you'll never see me again.

01:44:55Gloria.

01:45:02Ruffins, what are you thinking of?

01:45:05Oh, I was just thinking of all the years I've wasted collecting stamps.

01:45:09Oh, I suppose you'll think me a sentimental old fluff.

01:45:15But would you mind giving me a lock of your hair?

01:45:18A lock of my hair?

01:45:21Oh, I had no idea.

01:45:23I'll lever you off easy.

01:45:24I was going to ask for the whole wig.

01:45:33So, you've come to ask for clemency.

01:45:34Your Excellency, the ambassador's here on a friendly visit.

01:45:38He's had a change of heart.

01:45:39A lot of good that'll do him.

01:45:40He's still got the same face.

01:45:43I'm sorry we lost our tempers.

01:45:45I'm willing to forget, if you are.

01:45:46Forget?

01:45:47You asked me to forget?

01:45:48A firefly never forgets.

01:45:51Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves and I'd only have to bury them again.

01:45:55Nothing doing.

01:45:56I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed.

01:45:58I'm expecting company.

01:45:59Please wait.

01:46:00Let go of me, you bully.

01:46:03I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.

01:46:06It's too late.

01:46:07I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

01:46:09Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do?

01:46:13Yes, but I'll talk to you about that later.

01:46:15Won't you reconsider?

01:46:17Please relent, for my sake.

01:46:20Well, maybe I am a little headstrong.

01:46:22But I come by it honestly.

01:46:24My father was a little headstrong.

01:46:26My mother was a little armstrong.

01:46:28Their headstrongs married the armstrongs, and that's why darkies were born.

01:46:33It was silly of me to lose my temper on account of that little thing you called me.

01:46:38The little thing I called you?

01:46:39Why, what did I call you?

01:46:41Gosh, I don't even remember what it was.

01:46:45Well, do you mean a worm?

01:46:47No, that wasn't it.

01:46:49I know.

01:46:50Swine.

01:46:51Uh-uh.

01:46:52No, it was a seven-letter word.

01:46:56Oh, yes.

01:46:56Upstart.

01:46:57That's it.

01:46:58Upstart.

01:46:59Oh, please, please.

01:46:59Mrs. Teasdale, this man is impossible.

01:47:01This is an outrage.

01:47:02My course is clear.

01:47:03This means war.

01:47:04Oh.

01:47:04You runt.

01:47:06I still like Upstart the best.

01:47:08I shan't stay here a minute longer.

01:47:10Go, and never darken my towels again.

01:47:12My hat.

01:47:13My towel.

01:47:14Oh.

01:47:16I happen to know that Fredonia's plans of war are in Mrs. Teasdale's possession.

01:47:21I must get hold of them.

01:47:22Yes, but how?

01:47:23Well, we have a weekend guest in Mrs. Teasdale's house, Miss Markell.

01:47:30Now, gentlemen, do you mind waiting for me outside?

01:47:32I'll join you in a moment.

01:47:33Certainly.

01:47:38Excuse me.

01:47:48Hello?

01:47:50Yes, I am alone.

01:47:52No, not yet.

01:47:53But, Vera, we've got to work fast.

01:47:54You must get hold of those plans tonight.

01:47:57Chikilini and his partner should be there any minute.

01:47:59Do everything you can to help them.

01:48:00But I must be very careful.

01:48:02There's another guest staying here for the weekend.

01:48:05Firefly.

01:48:06I don't know.

01:48:07I think he's asleep.

01:48:21Ring the bell.

01:48:27Push the button.

01:48:29Push the button.

01:49:19You got out the plans?

01:49:21No, but they're somewhere in the house, and you must find them.

01:49:24Oh, for heaven's sakes, whatever you do, don't make a sound.

01:49:27If you're found, you're lost.

01:49:29Oh, you're crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

01:49:34Got a flashlight?

01:49:40You don't know how serious this is.

01:49:43If they catch you, you'll be court-martialed and shot.

01:49:45Oh, Vera?

01:49:50I must go before she looks for me.

01:49:52Now, remember, whatever you do, don't make a sound.

01:50:07This is the new one.

01:50:08I have no point in your mind.

01:50:18I have no point in your mind.

01:50:19It is all a life.

01:50:46You stay here, but keep quiet.

01:50:49Remember what she said.

01:50:49If we get caught, we're going to get, uh, caught plastered.

01:51:01Your Excellency, I'm worried.

01:51:04I can't sleep.

01:51:05What?

01:51:06You're worried?

01:51:07You can't sleep?

01:51:09That's fine.

01:51:09Now you woke me up.

01:51:10Now I can't sleep.

01:51:11It's about those plans.

01:51:13I won't rest until they're back in your hands.

01:51:17Won't you please come over and get them?

01:51:19Oh, the plans.

01:51:20Okay, I'll be right over.

01:51:29Let me out.

01:51:30Let me out.

01:51:36Let me out of here.

01:51:38Hey, let me out of here or throw me a magazine.

01:51:45Well, that's your game, eh?

01:51:46I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your door in.

01:51:58Come in.

01:52:02Oh, Your Excellency, I'm so glad you've come.

01:52:05I'm glad I've come too.

01:52:06You got other plans?

01:52:08Why, Your Excellency, you sound so strange.

01:52:11Why are you talking like that?

01:52:12Oh, well, you see, maybe sometime I'll go to Italy and I'm practicing the language.

01:52:25I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.

01:52:31Your dialect is perfect.

01:52:33I could listen to you all night.

01:52:35That's all right, but I can't stay here all night.

01:52:37Where's the plans?

01:52:38They're in the safe, downstairs.

01:52:40I'd write out the combination.

01:52:54Oh, there you are.

01:52:55Here's the combination.

01:52:58Is that clear?

01:53:00Is there anything else you want to know?

01:53:03What's the matter with you?

01:53:05Have you lost your voice?

01:53:08Let me get you a glass of water.

01:53:09Your Excellency.

01:53:16Here's your water.

01:53:18What in the world's the matter with you?

01:53:24Your Excellency, I thought you left.

01:53:26Oh, no, I no leave.

01:53:28But I saw you with my own eyes.

01:53:30Well, who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

01:53:35Your Excellency, I'm sorry, but this excitement's too much for me.

01:53:39I feel faint.

01:53:40Wait.

01:53:41Wait.

01:53:41I'll get you a glass of water.

01:53:57How about my glass of water?

01:53:59I give up.

01:54:00How about your glass of water?

01:54:01I don't know where I could hide.

01:54:08Go out.

01:54:12I if I'm bored.

01:54:14Go out.

01:54:17I have no questions, I'm sure.

01:54:17Go out.

01:54:18Go out.

01:54:20Come out.

01:54:22Go out.

01:54:26Go out.

01:54:27Go out.

01:54:28Go out.

01:54:29Go out.

01:54:52What's that?

01:54:54Sounds to me like mice.

01:54:55Mice? Mice don't play music.

01:54:57No? How about the old maestro?

01:55:00Let's go.

01:55:20Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters. Headquarters.

01:55:24Hello?

01:55:25Rush the guards right over to Mrs. Teazales and have them surround the house.

01:55:35Let's go.

01:56:01Let's go.

01:56:06Here we go.

01:56:08Here we go.

01:56:28I'm sorry.

01:56:29Should they select your phone number?

01:56:29No.

01:56:30When I go to the house you'll have a window, go to where I say that.

02:06:44The enemy is coming.

02:06:45There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land and one if they're coming by sea.

02:06:53They've double-crossed me.

02:06:54They're coming by land and sea.

02:06:57Glide through every village and town.

02:06:59Wake every citizen uphill and down.

02:07:00Selling the enemy comes from afar.

02:07:02With a hey-na-na-ny and a ha-cha-cha.

02:07:05Be off, my lad.

02:07:15Be off, my lad.

02:07:59My husband!

02:08:00Quickly, hide in there.

02:08:09Fredonia's going to war!

02:08:11I'm going to take a bath.

02:08:44Let's go.

02:08:51Oh, my God.

02:09:26They're all wires.

02:09:28The enemy has captured Hill 27 and 28.

02:09:30Throwing 13 hillbillies on the way.

02:09:32Last night, two snipers crept into our machine gun nest and laid an egg.

02:09:35Send reinforcements immediately.

02:09:37Send it off to Lake.

02:09:39Your presidency, our men are being badly beaten in open warfare.

02:09:42I suggest we dig trenches.

02:09:44Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies, there isn't time to dig trenches.

02:09:47We'll buy them ready-made. Here, run out and get some trenches.

02:09:49Yes, sir.

02:09:50Wait a minute. Get them this high and our soldiers won't need any pants.

02:09:53Yes, sir.

02:09:54Wait a minute. Get them this high and we won't need any soldiers.

02:09:56Yes, sir.

02:09:57Ciccolini, your partners deserted us, but I'm still counting on you.

02:10:00There's a machine gun nest near Hill 28. I want it cleaned out.

02:10:02All right, I'll tell the janitor.

02:10:05Message from the front, sir.

02:10:06Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front.

02:10:08Don't we ever get a message from the side?

02:10:12What is it?

02:10:12General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.

02:10:15Tell them to take a teaspoon full of bicarbonate soda and a half a glass of water.

02:10:18Yes, sir.

02:10:23Any answer to that message?

02:10:24No, sir.

02:10:24Well, in that case, don't send it.

02:10:36Gentlemen, this is the last straw.

02:10:39Where's my Stradivarius?

02:10:40Here, sir.

02:10:41I'll show them they can't fiddle around with old firefly.

02:10:49Look at them run. Now they know they've been in a war.

02:10:52Your Excellency.

02:10:53They're fleeing like rats.

02:10:54But, sir, I've got the chance.

02:10:55Remind me to give myself the firefly medal for this.

02:10:58Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men.

02:11:00What?

02:11:01You're shooting your own men.

02:11:03Here's five dollars. Keep it under your hat.

02:11:05Never mind. I'll keep it under my hat.

02:11:08Now we've got to have more men or we're lost.

02:11:10Don't be alarmed.

02:11:11I've got a man combing the countryside for volunteers.

02:11:20Your Excellency, the army's morale is crumbling.

02:11:22The men are breaking ranks.

02:11:24Where's the Secretary of War?

02:11:25That's it. Where is the Secretary of War?

02:11:27The soldiers are waiting for his orders.

02:11:28His Excellency, the Secretary of War.

02:11:37Awfully decent of you to drop in today.

02:11:38Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat?

02:11:41What do you intend to do about it?

02:11:42I've done it already.

02:11:43You've done what?

02:11:44I've changed to the other side.

02:11:45So, you're on the other side, eh?

02:11:47Well, what are you doing over here?

02:11:48Well, the food is better over here.

02:11:55Ciccolini, I need you badly right now.

02:11:57Why don't you take the comeback and work for me again?

02:11:59I'll take a vacation.

02:12:00Good. You're hired.

02:12:02Now, go out on that battlefield and lead those men to victory.

02:12:05Go on. They're waiting for you.

02:12:08I wouldn't go out there unless I was in one of those big iron things.

02:12:11Go up and down like this.

02:12:12What do you call all those things?

02:12:13Tanks.

02:12:13You're welcome.

02:12:16Your Excellency, you must come over here at once.

02:12:19There is danger here.

02:12:20Why not come over here? There's no danger here.

02:12:44Wait a minute. I want to find out something.

02:12:50Just as I thought. The coast is clear.

02:12:56Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor,

02:12:58which is probably more than she ever did.

02:13:00You may come, Steve.

02:13:02There goes my gun.

02:13:03Run out and get that like a good girl.

02:13:05Go on the page!

02:13:06We can't last much longer.

02:13:07Our ammunition supplies are very low.

02:13:08Man the boats, Lieutenant, and I'll get help.

02:13:18Call the all-nations. Call the all-nations.

02:13:20This is Rupert Steve...

02:13:23This is Rupert Steve Firefly coming to you through the courtesy of the enemy.

02:13:26We're in a mess, folks. We're in a mess.

02:13:28Rush to Fredonia.

02:13:29Three men and one woman are trapped in the building.

02:13:31Send help at once.

02:13:32If you can't send help, send two more women.

02:13:35Make it three more women.

02:13:38Your Excellency, we can't hold out much longer.

02:13:40We must have help.

02:13:47One of us has got to break through the lines

02:13:48and get word of General Cooper and his men.

02:13:50Which one of us...

02:13:52Why back there?

02:13:53Which one of us is going to have the rare privilege

02:13:55of sacrificing his life for his country?

02:13:57We draw lots.

02:13:58Wait. I got it.

02:14:00Rinse pot.

02:14:01One shot, two shot, zigzag, zap.

02:14:02Pop, die, can you get ten light, tap.

02:14:04Head him, scare him, merchant, tear him, tear him, tear it, tore.

02:14:07I did it wrong.

02:14:08Wait, wait, wait.

02:14:09I'll start here.

02:14:11Rinse pot.

02:14:11One shot, two shot, zigzag, zap.

02:14:13Pop, die, pin, like half-head him, scare him,

02:14:14watch him, tear him, tear it, tore.

02:14:16It's no good, too.

02:14:18Oh, I got it.

02:14:18I got it.

02:14:19Rinse pot.

02:14:20Pop.

02:14:21You're a brave man.

02:14:22Go and break through the lines.

02:14:24And remember, while you're out there

02:14:25risking life and limb through shot and shell,

02:14:27we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.

02:14:29Goodbye.

02:14:30Boom, blank.

02:14:31Goodbye.

02:14:32Oh, Fredonia.

02:14:33Oh, Fredonia.

02:14:35Oh, Fredonia.

02:14:39Who are you?

02:14:40Who are you?

02:14:41Where did they get you?

02:14:44Hey, careful with the water.

02:14:45It's the only water we got.

02:14:46Well, it's the only woman we got.

02:14:55We're surrounded.

02:14:56They're attacking from the rear.

02:14:57They're coming this way.

02:14:58We'll battle people in the aisle next door.

02:15:09This is Firefly talking.

02:15:11Send a help at once.

02:15:12Help is on the way.

02:15:14Carry on, men.

02:15:15Help is on the way.

02:15:16Ah!

02:15:40They got me.

02:15:42They got me.

02:15:43Water.

02:15:44Water.

02:15:56Get me out of this.

02:15:57Get me out of this.

02:16:01The last time this happened to me,

02:16:02I was crawling under a bed.

02:16:04Oh, it's help.

02:16:05We don't lick her.

02:16:07Your Excellency.

02:16:19Any mail from me while I was gone?

02:16:23Don't jump into me.

02:16:24She's away from me.

02:16:27Crap.

02:16:28Oh!

02:16:29Oh!

02:16:30Oh!

02:16:38Hey, Trentino!

02:16:39Trentino, eh?

02:16:40That's game.

02:16:44Trentino!

02:16:45Trentino, eh?

02:16:46Yeah!

02:16:47Call me an upstart, eh?

02:16:49I surrender!

02:16:50I surrender!

02:16:51I'm sorry.

02:16:52You'll have to wait till the foot runs off.

02:16:53Victory is on!

02:16:56Hail, Hail, hey, hey, great Junior!

02:17:00La-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a

02:17:06-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.

Duck Soup (1933) [Full Movie] [Full Story]Full EP - Full

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