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Taskmaster - S18E08 - The Nexus of Truth [Full Movie] [High Quality]Full EP - Full
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00:16I
00:16Know you
00:31I
00:35A bluebell of light entertainment popping up in a forest of Married at First Sight Australia horse dung
00:43Let us begin the next round of the competition and meet our mighty competitors once more, please welcome
01:09Sidney
01:10You drunkenly confided in me that whenever the presenter Fiona Bruce comes on the television
01:14He can't help but rub himself against the arm of his
01:26So
01:28Money-making plan for me and you yes, I've been watching a lot of motor racing and they look cool
01:33Don't they the guys the motor racing guys, you know why they look cool?
01:36Because they've got they've got adverts all over their clothing, so I'm releasing little areas of my of my coat
01:4315 pounds 15 pounds advertised there on the back
01:4820 pounds
01:50Yeah, yeah
01:51It works people have already taken out advertising power milk and outdoor crisps have bought in
01:59That's my idea great. Are you in I'm not in no
02:03Let's start the show
02:09The prize category this week is the thing that most makes Greg scratch his chin
02:17Yes, what a strong chin it is to be scratched by such a mighty bare paw on the end of
02:24such a funny hairless arm
02:27Legs are also hairless
02:30Corby
02:32Five points for the thing that causes the most chin scratching and then five fairly useless prizes for the winner
02:37of the episode
02:38Take it away Greg who is first today?
02:41Bubba. Oh, no
02:43Why are you saying that?
02:44I really tried to get something to make you scratch your chin, but in a way which which you're like
02:49confused
02:50So that's why I chose a paper plate
02:54Yes, you did here is Bubba's paper plate
03:00You're gonna explain the paper plate. No
03:12Very good good Andy. I've got you some some aftershave
03:21It's made out of mosquitoes is it it's made out of mosquito bite so it's actually the saliva of the
03:26mosquito that that creates the allergic reaction
03:29So I'm gonna get a lovely old big chin with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have a look at the other
03:32side. Look who uses it
03:40The absolute highlight for me is now I scratch my chin like a real man
03:47Hello, I brought in a book and it's called the the Colin Phillips book of information
03:53Okay, take a take a look at the book. Okay, it's a genuine book from Jack
04:05Do you know why the screwdriver is in there to try and escape from prison? No, no, no, no
04:10No, see metaphorically. You're already scratching your chin even though you haven't done it dramatically
04:14No, because you you're puzzled now, but in the introduction. He explains how he is
04:20very loosely related to the man who developed the Phillips head screwdriver and that was a promotional version of the
04:26book which he thought would launch it
04:37So I brought in fake chin acne
04:43They look like you've knocked into a tray of canopies
04:50Yeah
04:50Spots on your chin yeah back in the 80s and what would you do to kind of get rid of
04:55them?
04:55I used to love squeezing spots. Yeah. Yeah, go on. What did it like? It's on my nose
04:59I'll probably give it up even if it was on my chin. I'd probably give it that
05:05Squeeze
05:09Rosie
05:09Hello
05:10Hello there
05:11I have brought a genuine question for you
05:19Okay
05:19And I really want you to think about it so I made it into a scroll
05:30Yes, here we go. Lovely
05:32LAUGHTER
05:33Would you rather make sweet love to make...
05:39My body
05:44Or...
05:45With Alex's head
05:51Or...
05:53Alex's body
05:54With my head
05:55LAUGHTER
05:59APPLAUSE
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Wow
06:04No, it's going
06:05That was brilliant
06:07Answer me
06:08She said answer me
06:10She
06:10I want to know too
06:12You want to know me
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14OK
06:16I would make sweet love to Alex's body
06:20Ooh
06:20Hello
06:21Because...
06:22Because I think the humiliation that he will suffer for the rest of his life
06:26Yeah
06:27Will delight me
06:28Yeah
06:29And I quite enjoy chatting to you
06:32Whereas I...
06:34Despise him
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37OK
06:38Let's give some points there
06:39We all know who
06:41Pimples get one
06:42One to you, Emma
06:43OK
06:43Absolutely rubbish
06:45Barbara and Jack take three
06:47Joint third
06:47Got it
06:48I'll tell you, because it doesn't exist
06:49But it's very imaginative
06:50You get four points
06:52This...
06:53Dilemma is awful
06:54Five points for OCOs, four points for Andy Zaltzman
06:56There we go
06:57Well done, well done
07:02Task time
07:03Well, well, well
07:04Yes, it's time for a task, sure
07:05But also time for an eye test
07:09Oh
07:23Oh
07:25What's this?
07:27LAUGHTER
07:29And that's the first time the helmet's come into use
07:31Yep
07:33Oh, yeah
07:34I know what this is
07:35It's...
07:38That's to wedge your head into
07:41Oh, I like this
07:44It's comfy, isn't it?
07:46Can I have it?
07:49No
07:49Please
07:50No
07:51But
07:53No
07:56Ah
07:59Put on the special glasses
08:02Fastest wins
08:04Yeah
08:08No, they're not glasses
08:10No, they're not glasses
08:10I hate opticians
08:11Because you can never tell if the eye chart is actually in focus
08:16Or whether it's just a big scam
08:19APPLAUSE
08:25Rosie's immediate reaction is, I love this chair and I want to take it home
08:30And Jack posits the theory that all opticians are part of an international scam
08:36It could be
08:37It could be
08:39It could be
08:39It could be
08:50Who's that?
08:51T-i-r-t-r-t-r-trop-w-o-l-eb-hise-d-sh
08:57Pardon?
08:57I didn't understand it either
08:59Oh
08:59Cheesed
09:02I'm not able to work with that
09:05All right
09:07Where are these special glasses?
09:09Cheesed.
09:10See if there's anything in here.
09:13Oh!
09:16Oh, that was bad with me. Sorry.
09:25MUSIC PLAYS
09:26Oh, for goodness sake, I don't want to open any more.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:32I was really hoping that was going to be, like,
09:34a sort of Temple of Doom moment where, you know,
09:37just...
09:37or something, but it's not done anything there.
09:41No, different budgets.
09:43I don't know how to speak... What's this? French?
09:46I can't speak French!
09:48Cheese. There's the cheese...
09:51I'm actually against the clock.
09:52There's a cheese dome, and I'm just going to look in there very quick.
09:58MUSIC PLAYS
10:04Yeah, brilliant. All right, well, that took a minute.
10:08Vous devez regarder l'intérieur d'un socle.
10:17What's screwed, bro?
10:19Vous devez regarder à l'intérieur d'un socle.
10:21LAUGHTER
10:22Oh, my God.
10:24So, I did French at uni.
10:26What did you get?
10:262-1.
10:27Tell you what you get if you get a first.
10:30The vocabulary of socle.
10:32I don't know what that means.
10:37MUSIC PLAYS
10:38You must look in the inside of a socle.
10:42That is such an incredible shame. Socle.
10:46I'm about to call Eddie Caddy.
10:48He's Congolese, but they speak French.
10:50I might just have to quickly use word reference.
10:52Can you hear me?
10:54Try and translate this for me, please.
10:57Uh, vos devez a...
11:00Ah, man.
11:01What?
11:01Don't do that.
11:03Superfugie in the car.
11:04Bro, I don't know French!
11:05I've consented to the cookies.
11:07You haven't allowed all the cookies, have you?
11:08I'm under a lot of stress. I've allowed them all.
11:10Oh, my God.
11:11All right, I've sent it to you, bro.
11:15What's going on?
11:16One second, one second, one second.
11:18Yeah?
11:18Basically, you should look at the inside of the base.
11:20The inside of the base?
11:22Base?
11:24Yeah, pedestal, pedestal.
11:28Imagine.
11:31So insane.
11:33Bang!
11:35APPLAUSE
11:42You increasingly make really strange noises.
11:45I know.
11:46Have we got a couple of the noises that came out during that attempt?
11:49I always isolate the noises. Here they are.
11:51Mm-mm.
11:54Oh, parr!
12:01But we knew what she meant.
12:03I know what she means.
12:04Do you know what I mean?
12:04Yeah.
12:05I'm going to start using parr!
12:07But the point is, they both found the special glasses.
12:10They did.
12:11Who should we see next?
12:12Andy and Rosie?
12:13Yes, I think so.
12:13Oh, Alex.
12:13Great job on all the admin, etc.
12:15Here we go!
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17It feels like there should be a clue in there somewhere.
12:21No, it's some strange tongue.
12:22Hmm.
12:24I think there's special glasses.
12:29Is this enough?
12:31Oh, that's not very special.
12:32Oh, sorry.
12:33Right.
12:34OK.
12:36That feels like it might come off.
12:39Right.
12:41I don't understand.
12:45Special glasses.
12:46Special glasses.
12:48I feel like I'm missing one of your clues again.
12:53Why was that here?
12:56There's nothing behind you.
12:57There's nothing.
12:58There's nothing.
12:59That comes off.
13:01And you know I'm strong.
13:04So if I break this, that's on you.
13:09I'm missing something here, Alex.
13:10Glasses.
13:11OK.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Other than the glasses.
13:14Right.
13:23OK.
13:25OK.
13:25I mean, that was kind of obvious, wasn't it?
13:27Is it special?
13:28I don't know.
13:28Depends your attitude to Flamingo.
13:30I'll stop the clock.
13:30They're special.
13:31I mean, it was right there.
13:32I could have got that within seconds.
13:34Yeah!
13:35Baby!
13:39What the hell?
13:41What the hell?
13:42What the hell?
13:48I just think that two grown adults being told to look for some magic glasses
13:52and it being both their instincts to go, are these the magic glasses?
13:57Sort of smacks of some sort of unravelling of something.
14:02Andy looked at the optician's board for quite a while,
14:05but he was just reading it forwards over and over again.
14:07Ironically, I'm Jewish and the Hebrew text is written right to left,
14:11but I'm equally, unfortunately, I'm a very, very lapsed Jew.
14:16I didn't seem to read right to left.
14:18How did they do?
14:19Give me some scores.
14:20Both of them were quicker than...
14:22In French.
14:24Le...
14:25Le...
14:26Zoltzman?
14:27Oui, ah.
14:28Zoltzman a...
14:29Jones.
14:30Oui.
14:33Vite...
14:33Plus vite que les autres.
14:36Oh!
14:38Oui.
14:38Part one is complete.
14:39It's...
14:41Here's the fucking adverts.
14:46APPLAUSE
14:58Hello!
14:59Welcome back to the show.
15:00It's part two and our cast have been busy looking for some special glasses.
15:04So busy, Greg.
15:05I mean, so busy.
15:08We've had four successes so far and the answer is right under their noses.
15:12Talking of noses, finally, here's a man with a really lovely one.
15:16It's Jack Dee.
15:20Is there anything that's not...
15:23LAUGHTER
15:24I need to look round the house, I think, if it's not these ones.
15:28Unless they've been hidden in here, that would be...
15:31You went...
15:33I didn't mean to...
15:34I didn't mean to do that.
15:35Oh, OK.
15:35But I did do that.
15:36Yeah.
15:42MUSIC
15:42MUSIC
15:48Um...
15:49LAUGHTER
15:49I think this is special.
15:53I'm slightly surprised.
15:55Why?
15:55But I don't know, I can deny that those are special glasses.
15:57I think...
15:59APPLAUSE
16:01Oh, come on.
16:03It's quite exciting when you put your hand near the special glasses
16:06and then you just wandered off and came back in with any old glasses.
16:10It's just a shame we didn't nail what special glasses were.
16:13It wasn't defined.
16:14What was the task?
16:16Well, it was to put on the special glasses.
16:18And isn't the elephant in the room here that they're goggles?
16:22LAUGHTER
16:23Shall I tell you the times?
16:24Tell me the times.
16:26Well, Bubba was the slowest in 13.20.
16:28Emma, 9.40.
16:29Rosie and Andy, only 30 seconds between them.
16:32Rosie, 5 minutes 24.
16:34Andy, 4 minutes 53.
16:35Oh!
16:36Jack, the quickest, 4 minutes 23.
16:38Well then, come on.
16:40But he must be punished.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:43He must be punished for not finding the special glasses.
16:46We're giving him a sympathy point,
16:48so the winner is Andy Zaltzman on this occasion.
16:50OK, so it's 1 to Jack, 2 to Bubba, 3 to Emma, 4 to Rosie,
16:535 to Andy Zaltzman.
16:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:58In this episode, two leaders at the top.
17:01It's Andy and Rosie on nine points.
17:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:09Next, well, this one really is a great big barrel of laughs.
17:13MUSIC PLAYS
17:30WHISTLE BLOWS
17:36Hello, Rosie. Oh, yeah!
17:41Hello. Hello, Emma. Hi.
17:44Couple of questions for you before we start. OK.
17:46How far do you think you've just walked?
17:48That's probably 40 metres. Yeah, 40 yards, 40 metres.
17:5250 yards. A few yards.
17:5625 metres.
18:0143...yards.
18:02Briefly, how are you and yourself?
18:04Well, good. I'm great, bro.
18:06Yeah, I have my good days, I have my bad days.
18:09Six? Six? Yeah.
18:11Did you sleep well last night? Um, eight.
18:15Ten hours!
18:16No, I have a four-month-old.
18:18I wore socks. Middle of the night, I had to take them off,
18:21so that disrupted it a tiny bit.
18:23Knowing I was coming to a theme park,
18:25I had a precautionary crap.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29Did you have any peculiar dreams?
18:31I mean, he's running the 100-metre final on a...
18:34whilst riding a pig. Is that peculiar?
18:35Can't remember my dreams, man.
18:37I don't dream.
18:39Er, yeah. I think some admin stuff.
18:43OK, so should I open?
18:45Yes, you should now.
18:46All right.
18:48Be at the highest number barrel when Alex blows his whistle again.
18:53You're at number one currently.
18:54Number two is to your right.
18:56All right.
18:57OK.
18:58You may only move to the next barrel
19:00when you have completed the challenge at the previous barrel.
19:05If you fail a barrel challenge twice in a row,
19:07you must move back to the first barrel.
19:10I'm going to fail this barrel.
19:12If you are at an even number barrel at the end of the barrel task,
19:15you are disqualified.
19:15That seems harsh, Alex.
19:17Um, you have as long as it took you to walk to this barrel
19:20and read up to this line.
19:23Three minutes and four seconds.
19:24OK.
19:24I went really quick.
19:26You ran, yes, yes.
19:27You've got two and a half minutes.
19:29You've got four minutes and ten seconds to play with here.
19:31I wish my dream had been longer.
19:32I could have told you more about it.
19:34That's two minutes 42 you've got.
19:36I didn't know that, though.
19:37You guys didn't tell me, yo, slow down.
19:39You've got six minutes and eight seconds to start.
19:41This is where the policy comes in handy.
19:48Yes!
19:50Your time started when you said the word barrel for the ninth time.
19:55We're off.
20:00You never dream?
20:02I never dream because I'm already living the dream.
20:09I never dream.
20:12Emma, you dream about admin and you have to take your socks off
20:16in the middle of the night.
20:17Um, when women...
20:22OK.
20:24Women are much likelier to orgasm if their feet are kept warm.
20:29What?
20:31This is new territory.
20:33I know.
20:34People don't talk to me.
20:35I don't know what the hell's going on.
20:38I don't need to go into it, do I?
20:40I'm sorry.
20:40You're serious?
20:41Women are more likely to orgasm if they're wearing socks?
20:44No.
20:45If their feet are cold, they're less likely to orgasm.
20:50And you took them off.
20:51LAUGHTER
20:57OK.
20:58Let's see some stuff.
21:00Right, I'm going to double barrel to begin with.
21:02It's Baba and Rosie.
21:05Throw an odd number with this dice.
21:11Come on.
21:16Number five.
21:17Yes!
21:19Answer Alex's question correctly.
21:22True or false, Baba?
21:23True or false?
21:23Humans have the same number of neck bones as giraffes.
21:26False.
21:27False.
21:28It's true.
21:28True or false?
21:30All the electricity powering the internet weighs the same
21:32as a school bus.
21:33No.
21:34False.
21:34Correct.
21:35You can move on.
21:36True.
21:37It's false.
21:37Back to the dice, please.
21:38Oh, God!
21:42Three.
21:43You can move on.
21:45Pick any single red playing card.
21:47I'll pick the first one.
21:48OK.
21:49Correct.
21:49Wow!
21:50Come on!
21:50Let's go!
21:51One in every 15 people has a third nipple.
21:54True.
21:54False.
21:55True or false?
21:56Wayne Rooney's middle name is Paul.
21:58False.
21:58It is false.
21:59It's Mark.
21:59Yes!
22:01That one.
22:02OK.
22:05There we go.
22:06Oh, shit!
22:07Hey!
22:08Predict which hand Alex Whistle is in.
22:11Your right hand.
22:13Give one more go.
22:16Your left hand.
22:17Correct.
22:17Come on.
22:17Let's go.
22:18Select an even number bingo ball.
22:21OK.
22:22Yeah?
22:23Maybe a bit slower.
22:25Bro, you're wasting my time.
22:27There's one.
22:27What number is it?
22:2855.
22:29Right.
22:29Try again.
22:3229.
22:32Try back to barrel number one.
22:34Oh, what?
22:35You've got one minute and one second left.
22:37Oh, man.
22:39Three.
22:40Two.
22:41One.
22:42Let's go.
22:42One in every 15 people has a third nipple.
22:45That's false.
22:45Correct.
22:46Come on.
22:47True or false?
22:47The high five was invented in 1977.
22:50False.
22:51True.
22:51True or false?
22:52True or false?
22:53True or false?
23:03True or false?
23:04Pineapples take two years to grow.
23:07True.
23:08Correct?
23:10I'll pick this one.
23:11Come on.
23:13That one.
23:14Correct.
23:14Come on.
23:1520 seconds left.
23:17That one.
23:18Yeah!
23:20Which hand is my whistling?
23:21Wow.
23:22No.
23:23Can't my whistle no?
23:25Correct?
23:25Yes!
23:27Come out.
23:29This thing is rigged.
23:31That's your time up?
23:32you are on barrel number five you've got a minute and 30 seconds okay you got
23:46barrel number five it was right it was racist don't talk yourself down just
24:08because you a grown woman think that lobsters can live forever
24:20that's not how it works Rosie they both got the same score both got the same score five
24:26barrels it seems like a reasonably strong start who's next well she ran to the
24:32barrels and spoke very quickly reducing the time she had quite dramatically so
24:35good luck to Emma city ah you've got two and a half minutes
24:41throw an odd number with this dice cool you've done it answer Alex's question correctly go on
24:46hello Emma true or false humans have the same number of neck bones as giraffes true no I can
24:55ask you a second one true or false all the electricity powering the internet weighs the
24:59same as a school bus okay that's false it's the same as a plum back we go you got two
25:04wrong
25:07hello Emma yeah true or false one in every 15 people has a third nipple false it is false one
25:13in
25:1380 pick a single red playing card predict which hand Alex's whistle is in you're right well I'm not
25:23you're right hello I'm oh yes it is just turn the handle 18
25:36eat the chocolate covered coffee bean oh I know which that was coffee that was coffee yes
25:45it's also head oh now you must go back to one you did it twice wrong how many
25:51don't where do I have to go back to the beginning yep you've got 45 seconds I don't
25:59care true or false wait Wayne Rooney's middle name is Paul actually no it's Mark I can ask you
26:04another one no true or false yeah the high five was invented in 1977 false no it's true back to
26:11the dark that's not true come on wait true or false J was the last letter added to the alphabet
26:17true it is true okay there you go all right okay uh right no not right where now I'll do
26:28it again if
26:28you want okay no it's still not right no come on you've got ten seconds true or false lobsters
26:37are biologically immortal no it's false you die Australia is wider than the moon you've got two seconds
26:43no true true it is true I'm at three just I am at three though okay
26:56fascinating this Emma was patently shit at that task but had the demeanor of someone who was excellent
27:06and was speaking to you as if you were getting in the way of her genius yes
27:09come on yep yep I think I was in a playful mood is that playful I would have sworn the
27:19socks were off up
27:19there that's the end of part two time for a break and a chance to look at that fitness watch
27:26that you've
27:27been wearing let me guess time to stand put the cheese puffs down your children need you
27:44welcome back to taskmaster where our speedy comedians are in a theme park surrounded by barrels yes Greg at
27:51last the fast cast were asked to do a cast task in a vast park two manly guys left to
27:57go that's right
27:58it's Jeff capes and Monty Don not really it's Jack T and Andy Vick throw an odd number with this
28:04dice
28:06one yeah welcome to barrel number two true or false humans have the same number of neck bones as
28:12giraffes true correct it could be a stacked deck where they're all that's black okay that's black again
28:20back to beginning now Jack okay predict which hand my whistle is in left this one yep correct correct
28:28correct yes yes we move on 88 we move on ah two oh that's an even number oh it is
28:42yeah yeah
28:42eat the chocolate covered coffee bean yeah that's coffee bean first time that was lucky do you promise
28:54check that was a lie toss ahead as in with the coin just please
29:03it's head what black cameras enough yes pull a lemon out from this from this box is there a lemon
29:09in the
29:09box to find out congratulations you have reached the ninth barrel you've done very well good stuff
29:15stop the clock
29:19yeah that was coffee that sounded more coffee yeah okay you've got 20 seconds left toss ahead
29:26okay
29:29i mean you've got two seconds congratulations you have reached the ninth barrel you've done really well
29:34good stuff
29:35i think alex is extra sweet with jack
29:44no no i'm thinking a little bit nervous
29:50i'm not sweet with jack couldn't give a
29:52shit
29:53you've changed
29:57yeah so both of them did very well i mean looking at jack you wouldn't know he'd
30:00nailed the task but congratulations jack why didn't you just kiss him
30:07all five contestants ended on odd number barrels so well done tick tick emma you came last though so
30:12one point to you rosie and bubba both managed to barrel five so you come joint third with three
30:16points andy and jack both got to barrel nine so both get five points each
30:24okay this one involves just three simple requests
30:29so
30:41oh
30:42yo yo yo
30:47hello
30:49you weirdly don't look much different
30:51what what do you mean by that can i pretend that's a death of course you can
31:00there's a task oh yeah yeah if it looks like it's floating that's floating okay label a part
31:06of your body make a surprising noise and do something interesting with your legs
31:14you have one minute the time starts now i just greased my hands there we go why did he grease
31:21your
31:22hands well because my hands were dry my head um my upper nose area jemma
31:33and put that on the elbow i think what does it say i saw the words of truth nexus surprising
31:43noise
31:49then do something interesting with your legs still got 40 seconds oh
31:54so they're sort of perpendicular and crossed okay yeah
32:00just doing something with my legs it's not lovely yeah
32:15that's your time up rosie yeah you've still got 10 seconds oh we'll shake at the end of it
32:23really quite low
32:27okay thank you so how does that work then is that a sort of subjective judgment right points
32:33wise yeah well it depends what you do now do these three things again and again and again
32:42in that same order oh blood man what the hell most sequences completed within 10 minutes 10 minutes
32:49um wins oh my word well i think we're probably both regretting what's just happened
33:03who tricked them into doing something that will be difficult to replicate over and over again
33:08particularly when it involves the nexus of truth the nexus of truth yeah it is now in urbandictionary.com
33:16we've added it it's nice to leave a legacy for future generations that's lovely okay well with a
33:24woof meow and an oof it's andy and rosie here we go what is it upper nose area it's quite
33:29long
33:29phrase i wish i'd chosen a shorter phrase but you know a nickname's a nickname all right uh
33:46lovely yeah right come on up you get up you get i haven't got to
33:51this is not the way we wanted our careers to go
33:53oh sorry sorry again quick please
34:05i've assumed the position
34:09yes
34:12oh
34:17oh
34:18not everywhere
34:20hi rosie
34:22oh
34:22oh
34:25slide it down
34:33that's on oh yeah
34:37no you're getting it all wrong ready for the noise
34:45yeah
34:46yeah i'm back on like a hundred yeah if we round it up
34:54now 18
34:5518
34:55one more
35:10city
35:13so
35:22you
35:23you
35:23you
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