- 7 hours ago
Holiday in Handcuffs (2007) [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:14I'm not crazy.
00:00:16I'm a long way from crazy.
00:00:20Doing one crazy thing does not make a person crazy.
00:00:24Though I have to admit this isn't how I expected to be spending my Christmas.
00:00:28And I'm sure it's not how David Martin planned on spending his.
00:00:33So, you've been walking for what, about an hour?
00:00:36And you've gone exactly 1.8 miles.
00:00:39The nearest gas station is 20 miles away.
00:00:42You do the math.
00:00:45Look, why don't you just come back to the house, we'll make some hot chocolate, okay?
00:01:00Are you okay?
00:01:02Nothing smart to say?
00:01:04Is your face frozen?
00:01:08You are the devil.
00:01:35The day started out like every other day.
00:01:37Which lately, is not necessarily a good thing.
00:02:07Is there?
00:02:08The only thing you can do when it's crazy.
00:02:13Is I'm sure if I can reach up to the sky.
00:02:18Believe you got something special.
00:02:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:02:22There's no matter who's behind.
00:02:24Oh, crap.
00:02:26Trudy, that word is so tacky.
00:02:28Hi, Mom.
00:02:29Hi, honey.
00:02:30We're just getting organized here.
00:02:31We had to bring everything.
00:02:32You never know with a rental.
00:02:34So, you have directions and everything?
00:02:36I do.
00:02:36I'm going to be doing seating arrangements for dinner, so I just wanted to make sure that
00:02:40Nick is still coming with you.
00:02:42Of course he is.
00:02:45Cocktails?
00:02:45At six sharp?
00:02:47I know, Mom.
00:02:51We are so excited to meet him, honey.
00:02:53It's going to be a very special Christmas.
00:02:55Do you think he could be the one?
00:02:56I don't know, Mom.
00:02:58Oh.
00:02:59Yeah, maybe he could.
00:03:01Look, I don't have time to talk about this right now.
00:03:03Um, I've got to get ready for the interview.
00:03:05Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.
00:03:06Wear your Christmas dress.
00:03:07It's a great color on you, and the style really slims your hips.
00:03:12Mom, no, I'm already dressed.
00:03:14And please, for Christmas this year, no more pink sweaters.
00:03:17Please.
00:03:17Honey, pink is the best color on you with your blue eyes and your hair.
00:03:21Well, I don't even know if it fits anymore.
00:03:22I am telling you, you have to dress some job.
00:03:24Okay.
00:03:25Okay.
00:03:26Okay.
00:03:27No, no, no, no, no.
00:03:28I don't have time to talk to...
00:03:29Hi, Dad.
00:03:30Listen, um, you told Mr. Portnoy that...
00:03:32I don't have any sales experience, right?
00:03:34Well, what do you mean?
00:03:35You sold him lemonade.
00:03:35I sold him lemonade when I was 10, when he called me little pootie.
00:03:40Listen, never take no for an answer, and do not leave that room until the job is yours,
00:03:44okay?
00:03:44Okay, well, what did you tell him I've been doing?
00:03:47Well, I didn't.
00:03:47I just said you were a late bloomer, but that you're ready to get your life together.
00:03:51You make me proud.
00:03:52I can't wait to see you.
00:03:53Love you.
00:03:53Okay.
00:03:54Drive safe, okay?
00:03:55Bye.
00:03:55Love you.
00:03:57I can feel it, honey.
00:03:58I think things are turning around for you.
00:04:01Okay.
00:04:01Bye, Mom.
00:04:02Oh, honey, honey.
00:04:03Be sure to do something with your hair.
00:04:06Oh, my God.
00:04:08Oh, no.
00:04:10This can't be happening.
00:04:13Yep, the day started out like any other, except it was almost Christmas, and the constant
00:04:18pressure from my parents to get a real job and a serious boyfriend was taking its toll.
00:04:24It was enough to drive anyone nuts.
00:04:26But aren't most of us just a hair away from crazy anyway?
00:04:30I think the difference between sanity and insanity often comes down to timing.
00:04:40You f***ed.
00:04:56Hi, Trudy Chandler.
00:04:57I have a...
00:04:57You're late.
00:04:58I know.
00:04:58I'm sorry.
00:04:59I...
00:04:59He can't see you now.
00:05:00Oh, no, no.
00:05:01I know I'm a little late, but you don't understand.
00:05:03You see, my parents and Mr. Portnoy are neighbors, so my dad set this appointment,
00:05:06so it's very important that I see him.
00:05:08If it was so important, you should have been on time.
00:05:11He's in with his next interview.
00:05:14No.
00:05:15No, he can't be.
00:05:16No.
00:05:16I can't miss this interview.
00:05:22Don't even think about it.
00:05:29Mr. Portnoy, it's me.
00:05:31Little pootie.
00:05:32From the corner.
00:05:32Come on.
00:05:34Come on.
00:05:34You know I can sell.
00:05:35I made more money than any of those other girls on the street.
00:05:38We have a code red up here.
00:05:44Things are finally turning around for me.
00:05:59How'd it go?
00:06:00I'm pretty sure I didn't get it.
00:06:02Hey, hey, what are you doing?
00:06:03I don't pay you to chitty-tap with a friend, okay?
00:06:05Get to work, or you'll be out in the gutter.
00:06:07Shut up, Taj.
00:06:08You're gonna fire me like I'm gonna sleep with you.
00:06:11He would not keep his great-grandfather's gun here if he knew how close I come to killing him every
00:06:15day.
00:06:17Oh, my God.
00:06:18Oh, I left it in too long.
00:06:20My mom's always complaining that my hair hangs in my face.
00:06:22Oh, my God.
00:06:25It's my Christmas dress.
00:06:27My mom got it for me.
00:06:28Taj is really into Christmas this year, but he's Hindu.
00:06:35How do I look?
00:06:37Oh, sweetie.
00:06:39Oh, Lucy, I completely blew the interview.
00:06:42I can't believe I have to go home today.
00:06:43There's gonna be nowhere to hide.
00:06:45I mean, my mom wanted this to be a special Christmas,
00:06:46so she rented a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
00:06:49We're gonna be trapped like the Shining.
00:06:52I'm sorry.
00:06:54I'd offer to come with you, but Steve and I are having our first Christmas alone together.
00:06:58That's okay.
00:06:58I still have one more chance for survival.
00:07:00Nick's coming with me.
00:07:01Table two wants that check.
00:07:02Table two.
00:07:02What?
00:07:03That's a little fast, isn't it?
00:07:05No, it's been a couple months.
00:07:07Besides, I have nothing to offer these people.
00:07:08No husband, no grandchildren.
00:07:10My dad already thinks I'm a lesbian.
00:07:12So you're using Nick to get your parents off your back?
00:07:14Yes.
00:07:15No.
00:07:15He's just great at first impressions.
00:07:17My parents are gonna love him.
00:07:18I don't know what you have against him anyway.
00:07:20I guess Elita's jackhouses aren't my type.
00:07:22They're not yours either.
00:07:24So his family owns banks.
00:07:25And what's wrong with wealthy and successful for a change?
00:07:27It's easy to be wealthy and successful
00:07:29if you're born into wealth and handed success.
00:07:31Well, he's coming to pick me up at two o'clock,
00:07:32so can you please try to control the chronic bitchitis, please?
00:07:36Check, check.
00:07:36Table two, check.
00:07:38Hurry up.
00:07:40I said I wanted a hot fudge, you chowder head.
00:07:45Nice.
00:07:47Excuse me.
00:07:52When are you gonna quit this heinous job?
00:07:54Oh, you're here.
00:07:55Yes.
00:07:57Oh my God.
00:07:59What happened to you?
00:08:00Believe it or not, I was trying not to attract attention from my parents.
00:08:03Yeah, about that.
00:08:04I think I'm gonna pass on the whole holiday song and dance.
00:08:07What is that supposed to mean?
00:08:09Oh, just meeting your parents is a whole other level
00:08:10and I don't think we're there yet.
00:08:12Oh, uh-huh.
00:08:13Okay, okay.
00:08:14Uh-huh.
00:08:14Well, um, do you think that maybe in, like, the next ten minutes
00:08:17we could get to that level?
00:08:18Because my parents are expecting you to come home with me.
00:08:21I don't think we're ever gonna get there, sweetheart.
00:08:23You can't bail on me now, Nick.
00:08:25Nick, I mean, you know, cocktails are at six o'clock sharp.
00:08:29I need you.
00:08:30Yeah, the needy thing, not a turn-on.
00:08:33I can't believe this.
00:08:34I mean, this is not happening.
00:08:36Why did you tell me you were gonna come home with me for Christmas
00:08:38if you were never gonna do it?
00:08:40Because I knew that that's what you wanted to hear.
00:08:43You know, we hadn't had sex yet, so...
00:08:48Yeah, see you later.
00:08:51Wait!
00:08:53If you walk out that door now, we are so over.
00:08:59Uh, yeah.
00:09:01Okay.
00:09:09Oh, my God.
00:09:10Oh, my God.
00:09:11Oh, my God.
00:09:12Oh, my God.
00:09:12Hey, what's up?
00:09:13I'm waiting for Jessica.
00:09:14Right over there.
00:09:15Dude, of course I'm sure.
00:09:17So wish me luck, okay?
00:09:19Bye.
00:09:25Hey, hey, hey, wake up.
00:09:27Come on, hurry up.
00:09:28Customer, table 10.
00:09:29Go, go, go.
00:09:30Took you long enough.
00:09:35What can I get for you?
00:09:38Uh, I'll take a cheeseburger and fries and a Caesar salad, please.
00:09:42Dressing on the side.
00:09:47Do you need to write it down?
00:09:54Do you need to write it down?
00:10:12I don't think we're ever going to get there, sweetheart.
00:10:19You okay?
00:10:20Where's Nick?
00:10:22Oh, Merry Christmas.
00:10:26Hey, what is that ringing?
00:10:31Oh, what is that?
00:10:35Hello, Mom?
00:10:37Trudy?
00:10:37I knew it. You haven't left yet, have you?
00:10:39I'm sorry, Mom.
00:10:40I said six o'clock.
00:10:41Honey, what part of that did you not understand?
00:10:44You know, Trudy, the entire world can manage to be on time.
00:10:47Why can't you do this one thing for me?
00:10:48Are you trying to ruin Christmas?
00:10:52Trudy?
00:10:53We're leaving now.
00:10:54Nick's bringing dinner clothes, right?
00:10:56Yeah.
00:10:57He's wearing a blue blazer, dress shirt, pink tie.
00:11:01Did you plan the matching thing?
00:11:02No.
00:11:03We didn't plan it.
00:11:04Get in the car.
00:11:12Excuse me.
00:11:13You're not going to the bathroom?
00:11:14Oh, this isn't the restroom?
00:11:15You're coming with me.
00:11:17No, I'm going to the bathroom.
00:11:21Look, I'm not sure what kind of government-sponsored work program you're a part of, but I...
00:11:26What the hell is that?
00:11:27It's a gun.
00:11:28Are you sure?
00:11:29Yeah, it's a gun.
00:11:30It was used to fight the British.
00:11:32Maybe you heard of a little thing called the Indian War of Independence, 1857?
00:11:36You're kidding, right?
00:11:38Move it.
00:11:39Hey, watch it.
00:11:53For the love of God!
00:12:00Wake up.
00:12:02Wake up.
00:12:08Ah, you.
00:12:10Blitzen.
00:12:11Excuse you?
00:12:12Mm-hmm.
00:12:13I'm looking for my boyfriend.
00:12:14Handsome.
00:12:15Nice dimples.
00:12:16Handsome.
00:12:17Nice dimples.
00:12:17Don't see him.
00:12:19Maybe this is his way of dumping you.
00:12:22Mom!
00:12:38Hi!
00:12:41How's your head?
00:12:43How about I take the blindfold off now?
00:12:45How'd that be?
00:12:50Hi.
00:12:58Look, I'm not sure what's going on or what you want from me, but this plan doesn't seem very
00:13:04well thought out.
00:13:06Let's face it, I'm a guy, and sooner or later, I will overpower you.
00:13:09Yeah, good point.
00:13:11Unless you knock yourself out first.
00:13:13Or I shoot you.
00:13:17You seem like a nice girl.
00:13:20Probably nothing a little lithium couldn't fix.
00:13:23Come on, you're not really going to shoot me with that thing.
00:13:30Oh, my God!
00:13:33Oh, my God!
00:13:34Oh, my God!
00:13:39Sorry.
00:13:52So this is the deal.
00:13:53You're coming home with me to spend Christmas with my family, as my boyfriend, Nick, who,
00:13:57unfortunately, couldn't make it.
00:13:59I'm not doing anything like that, Lonely Toons.
00:14:01You don't exactly have a choice, Dwayne.
00:14:04It's David, and...
00:14:09Your boyfriend dumped you.
00:14:11No, I told you, he couldn't make it.
00:14:13Right.
00:14:14You're one of those hairy lady, man-hater types, who's been rejected time after time,
00:14:20and now, you're taking it out on an innocent bystander.
00:14:23What?
00:14:23No, I'm not!
00:14:40Gas, gas station.
00:14:42Green and white sign.
00:14:42Green and white.
00:14:44Hey.
00:14:46You know there's no way you're going to pull this off, right?
00:14:48What are you going to do, hold the gun on me during Christmas dinner?
00:14:51The second I get to your house and tell your family how demented you are...
00:14:54Hey!
00:14:55Hey, that's getting personal.
00:14:57Hey, what are you doing?
00:14:59No cell phone?
00:15:01It's in my coat.
00:15:03At the diner.
00:15:04Where I left it before I was kidnapped.
00:15:14Man, what is this stuff made of?
00:15:19Oh, hello.
00:15:20Uh, hi.
00:15:23Uh, just $10 worth and this.
00:15:42I usually pump the gas for the pretty ladies.
00:15:46Oh, please, that's not necessary.
00:15:48Oh, you wouldn't want to deny an old man one of the few pleasures he has left.
00:15:52Oh, no, really.
00:15:54You don't have to do that.
00:15:55I can handle it.
00:15:56Whoa, what's going on here, sweetheart?
00:15:59Oh, that's my boyfriend.
00:16:01I'm surprising him with a weekend in the woods.
00:16:02You know, the wild kind of weekend, the time-me-up, time-me-down kind.
00:16:07Yeah, you better come with me, young lady.
00:16:09Oh, I really don't have time.
00:16:29These are on the house, honey.
00:16:31Oh, oh.
00:16:33Thanks.
00:16:36Well, you better watch out or I'll come back for you next.
00:16:38Oh, Jesus.
00:16:43Okay.
00:16:49So, this kidnapping just got a little bit more professional.
00:16:54You're kidding.
00:17:01And more comfy, too, right?
00:17:04And just slightly more humiliating.
00:17:08Lucky little bastard.
00:17:25Look, I'd like to apologize for earlier for raising my voice and for, you know, shooting near your manhood.
00:17:37Beef jerky?
00:17:42That's very kind.
00:17:43Okay, so I think we should share a few important facts about each other.
00:17:50You're some sort of vice president of a company your father owns.
00:17:57Okay, that's a yes.
00:18:00Um, your parents bought your first house.
00:18:04You sail and golf.
00:18:06I'm guessing a 14 handicap.
00:18:09And you're probably some sort of a Zeta, Beta, Beta, Shmeta.
00:18:15Okay, yes, yes, and yes.
00:18:18I'm a 10 handicap.
00:18:20Oh, great for you.
00:18:22Well, I think it's safe to say I've lost my job at Taj's Diner Deluxe.
00:18:25I live in a crappy loft downtown.
00:18:27I don't golf.
00:18:28Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
00:18:53Okay, I'll be right back.
00:19:11Oh, there she is.
00:19:13Look who's here.
00:19:14Oh, my baby.
00:19:18Mom, don't cry.
00:19:19Let me look at you.
00:19:20Oh, my gosh, what have you done to your hair?
00:19:22You look like one of those actresses in a pornographic movie.
00:19:25I have porn star hair.
00:19:26How do you even know what a porn star looks like?
00:19:28Trudy.
00:19:30Oh, well, let me look at the dress.
00:19:31Ah, it looks gorgeous.
00:19:33What do you think, Richard?
00:19:34It gets too tight.
00:19:35Hi, Dad.
00:19:36So, what the hell happened today?
00:19:38I don't know.
00:19:39I was late.
00:19:39Mr. Portnoy did this as a favor.
00:19:41You know what?
00:19:42It's a reflection on me.
00:19:43I know, and I'm sorry.
00:19:44I'm sorry.
00:19:44Could we not talk about this now?
00:19:46I don't want to ruin Christmas by all this negative talk.
00:19:49Where's Nick?
00:19:50Oh, he's in the car.
00:19:51But I wanted to tell you guys.
00:19:53You know when we go to a restaurant and Dad tells jokes to the waitresses and they're stupid
00:19:56and embarrassing, but he thinks it's funny?
00:19:58Mm-hmm.
00:19:59Well, sometimes when Nick feels awkward in a social situation, he does this whole,
00:20:04I didn't want to be here, I've been kidnapped thing.
00:20:06It's kind of weird, but he thinks it's funny, so just laugh along so it doesn't make him
00:20:11feel bad, okay?
00:20:15Okay.
00:20:17We're very excited to meet him.
00:20:19Okay.
00:20:19Well, Dad, please try not to embarrass him, okay?
00:20:21Yeah.
00:20:22Fine.
00:20:30Okay, we're on.
00:20:32No, I'm not going.
00:20:34Well, it's nice and warm in the house.
00:20:35You'll freeze to death out here.
00:20:38Fine.
00:20:38Okay, the charade's about to end right now.
00:20:51Welcome.
00:20:53Oh, this is so, so special.
00:20:55You are the first boyfriend Trudy's ever brought home.
00:20:57Yeah, we thought maybe she liked the innies.
00:21:00You know, not the outies.
00:21:02Richard.
00:21:05Okay, listen to me very carefully.
00:21:08She forced me to come here.
00:21:10This woman held me at gunpoint, kidnapped me, and brought me to this house as her hostage.
00:21:22I see what you mean.
00:21:24What are you laughing at?
00:21:25Did you just hear me?
00:21:26Yeah.
00:21:27Your daughter is a crazy, dangerous criminal.
00:21:30Yes, she is.
00:21:32Would you like some eggnog?
00:21:33I have a secret ingredient that makes all the difference.
00:21:36It's ground cloves.
00:21:39What's the matter with you people?
00:21:40Are you all nuts?
00:21:42All right, honey, that's enough.
00:21:43I will be right back.
00:21:44You have yourself a seat, Nick.
00:21:45My name is not Nick.
00:21:47Yeah, he does that too.
00:21:48And I will not have a seat.
00:21:49Okay, well, I'm going to go help Mom with the eggnog.
00:22:00You're kidding.
00:22:01Come on.
00:22:02Nick, have a seat.
00:22:03Come on.
00:22:05Mom, I was wondering if I could be key master this year.
00:22:08Really?
00:22:09Usually you hate the idea of key master.
00:22:11Yeah, you know, the idea of being forcibly trapped at the holidays used to bother me.
00:22:14But now I see the higher social purpose.
00:22:18Uh-huh.
00:22:18Well, are you sure you can handle Grandma?
00:22:20You know how she is.
00:22:21And that's before she dips into the eggnog.
00:22:23She's like 75 years old.
00:22:25Yes, but she's still freakishly strong.
00:22:27I think I can handle it.
00:22:30I'm trusting you.
00:22:43I'm trusting you.
00:23:07Hello!
00:23:13Hello!
00:23:14No! Is anyone out there?
00:23:23Help.
00:23:37Look, sir, I think I can clear up the situation
00:23:40and we can forget the whole thing ever happened.
00:23:42I just need to use the phone.
00:23:44No phones in the house.
00:23:46What about a cell phone?
00:23:47Ah, the key master's got all the cell phones.
00:23:50Apparently, it interferes with our quality family time.
00:23:54You're a little kid. What are you gonna do?
00:23:58Oh, wow.
00:23:59Gang's all here.
00:24:01Hey!
00:24:02How my kids get so good looking.
00:24:04Oh, hi.
00:24:04Most beautiful girl in the world.
00:24:06Merry Christmas.
00:24:06Yeah, I want to hear all about school.
00:24:08Hey!
00:24:09I'm sorry, Dad.
00:24:10I'm good.
00:24:11That's my boy.
00:24:12So glad you're here.
00:24:12Gosh, you look stunning.
00:24:14Have you lost weight?
00:24:15No.
00:24:15I cut out dairy, though.
00:24:17You look fantastic.
00:24:18Thanks, Mom.
00:24:19Mom.
00:24:19Hi!
00:24:20Wow.
00:24:21Mom, you have really made it look perfect and Christmassy.
00:24:24Yeah, some digs.
00:24:26Mom, would you cash in Dad's 401k?
00:24:28Hey.
00:24:29Hey, where's Jen?
00:24:30I thought she was coming.
00:24:30I told you she had to stay in town to work.
00:24:32I'm lucky I could take the time off.
00:24:33You work too hard.
00:24:34Well, markets don't stop when I'm not there, Ma.
00:24:37Hey, numbnuts, come here.
00:24:39Look at his hair.
00:24:39What is that?
00:24:40What is that?
00:24:41Jake, Jake, we have company.
00:24:43I would like you to meet Trudy's boyfriend, Nick.
00:24:45Hey, nice to meet you.
00:24:46I'm not her boyfriend!
00:24:48I met her today when she poked a musket in my ribs, tied me up with furry handcuffs,
00:24:52and drove me to wherever I am right now.
00:24:55Furry handcuffs.
00:24:56Now I'm embarrassed.
00:25:02He's...
00:25:02Oh, it's a whole thing.
00:25:04All right, come here.
00:25:05Look, Jake.
00:25:05Is it Jake?
00:25:06You look like a reasonable person.
00:25:08Listen to me, man.
00:25:09You may think your sister is normal, but she's not.
00:25:13Believe me.
00:25:14She is a psychopath.
00:25:16Tell me about it.
00:25:17Huh?
00:25:19All right.
00:25:19I want eggnog.
00:25:21Eggnog.
00:25:21Come on, Nick.
00:25:23Merry Christmas.
00:25:24Come on.
00:25:32Okay, Nick.
00:25:33You'll be in here.
00:25:34And Trudy.
00:25:35I am 27 years old.
00:25:36I'm gonna sleep in the same room as my boyfriend.
00:25:38End of story.
00:25:41Okay, dear.
00:25:46Yeah, you better get used to these bunk beds.
00:25:48Because that's what you're gonna be sharing with your new jail buddies, Mad Dog and Roz.
00:25:53Why don't you try and relax?
00:25:55Oh, make no mistake, freak show, I will find a way out of here.
00:25:59And what's gonna keep me going is the look on your twisted face as they haul you off to the
00:26:03slammer.
00:26:05You know, you might as well settle down, because there's no way out of here.
00:26:08See, as the key master, I have control of all the car keys and cell phones, which I've hidden quite
00:26:12well, if I do say so myself.
00:26:15So, you might as well try and get a good night's sleep, because we have a couple of big days
00:26:18ahead of us, schnookums.
00:26:46Be the key master, be the key master.
00:26:49Okay, let's make sense.
00:27:10There's got to be a neighbor somewhere.
00:27:33So, you've been walking for what, about an hour?
00:27:41Look, why don't you just come back to the house, we'll make some hot chocolate, okay?
00:27:54No hot chocolate for you then?
00:28:17Hello?
00:28:19Hey, it's me. What happened to you yesterday? You looked kind of strange and then I turned
00:28:23around and you were gone, are you okay?
00:28:24Yeah, I'm fine. Well, not exactly fine. I think I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown.
00:28:31I didn't know they came in sizes.
00:28:33Yeah, and I did something kind of crazy.
00:28:47Hey! Good morning.
00:28:49Morning.
00:28:49Come on, sit down. I'll make you a special breakfast.
00:28:52It's not that big of a deal.
00:28:54It's not that big of a deal?
00:28:57You have to let him go right now.
00:28:58What are you gonna do after the holiday?
00:29:00You can't keep him. He's not a puppy.
00:29:02I know. Look, I haven't thought that far ahead, but I'll figure it out.
00:29:05I hope you like eggs, Benedict, and I hope you're hungry.
00:29:07Okay. Little fruit salad. Here you go.
00:29:19You didn't sleep in those clothes, did you?
00:29:22Yeah, I'm trying to tell you that.
00:29:23Oh, you know, in all the chaos, we forgot his suitcase.
00:29:27That's right. I left it at the diner. You know, I should really call about that bunny.
00:29:32Could I borrow your phone, please?
00:29:34Sorry, I didn't bring my phone, sweet pea.
00:29:36Yes, you did. It's in your...
00:29:40Trudy!
00:29:43You were supposed to put that away, right?
00:29:46Forgot.
00:29:48I'll go get you something to wear while I wash your clothes.
00:29:50Richard always brings a few things he thinks he'll be able to fit into if you lose ten pounds.
00:29:59Give me the phone.
00:30:00Come and get it.
00:30:01Get in!
00:30:02No!
00:30:08You know, I ran track in high school.
00:30:10I played football. My nickname was Flash.
00:30:12Ooh, scary.
00:30:19You know, I was also really good at home ec.
00:30:23Really? That's useful.
00:30:25Right. It is. Because I was really good at making one dish.
00:30:28What's that?
00:30:30Beef tenderloin.
00:30:33Extra tender.
00:30:34Don't do it!
00:30:35Don't do it!
00:30:42Here you go, Nick.
00:30:56This sucks.
00:30:58That's what the sheepdog says.
00:31:00The sheepdog don't talk.
00:31:02Is that...
00:31:02You get it?
00:31:04No!
00:31:07Oh, you don't care, Nick.
00:31:09Oh, nice look.
00:31:10Yeah, oreganomics!
00:31:12Huh?
00:31:13No!
00:31:17I forgot the extra virgin olive oil.
00:31:19How could that have happened?
00:31:29I'd be happy to go to the store for you.
00:31:31No, Mom.
00:31:33I should go.
00:31:34It'd be rude to send a guest.
00:31:36It is a long drive.
00:31:37No, really.
00:31:38It'd be my pleasure.
00:31:40Well, Nick, thank you so much.
00:31:42But you know what?
00:31:42Richard will drive.
00:31:43You go with him.
00:31:44Mom!
00:31:44No!
00:31:44Trudy!
00:31:45Trudy!
00:31:45I'm gonna need your help, honey.
00:31:46And this is a good opportunity for the men to, you know, have some quality time together.
00:31:49Mom!
00:31:50Gertrude!
00:31:50Marie!
00:31:54Well, come on, Nick.
00:31:56Richard will drive.
00:31:57You go get the keys.
00:32:13This should undo the damage.
00:32:15I don't know what you were thinking.
00:32:17Who perms their hair anymore?
00:32:20No offense, but this look says desperate.
00:32:23Guys can tell when you're trying too hard.
00:32:26So you dating anyone at law school, Katie?
00:32:28I'm dating a few guys.
00:32:30Katie?
00:32:31I didn't say I slept with them.
00:32:33I'm not a slut.
00:32:35I know.
00:32:36I just want to know how Trudy hooked up with Nick.
00:32:39He is so hot.
00:32:41Oh, I just gave him no choice.
00:32:44But to love me.
00:32:45Yeah, well, he is something.
00:32:47He's well-spoken.
00:32:48He's successful.
00:32:49He's handsome.
00:32:50I think your father's taking a liking to him.
00:32:52I'm sure they're bonding.
00:33:04Mr., you have to help me.
00:33:06I've been kidnapped.
00:33:07Let me guess.
00:33:08By a sexy lady in a pink dress.
00:33:11Yes, yes, you remember.
00:33:13And she tied you up in blindfolded.
00:33:16Yes, yes, that's right.
00:33:17That's right.
00:33:18And she spanks you and does naughty things.
00:33:21What are you doing?
00:33:23That's disgusting.
00:33:25Extra virgin olive oil.
00:33:28What does that mean?
00:33:30Can you really be an extra virgin?
00:33:35That little woman at home loves to have everything lathered up in oil.
00:33:40Not that I'm complaining.
00:33:41That's the best thing about the holidays.
00:33:44No guilt.
00:33:46Right, son?
00:33:50Oh.
00:34:03Where in God's name are we?
00:34:05I'm freezing my ta-tas off.
00:34:07Well, Merry Christmas to you too, Grandma.
00:34:09No, don't call me that.
00:34:24All right, old man.
00:34:25I'm not leaving here until you help me.
00:34:27I'm coming back there and I'm gonna use that phone.
00:34:28There's not going to be any trouble in my store, Super Freak.
00:34:33Now back that ass up nice and slow.
00:34:52I'm gonna turn the radio-
00:35:00Get out of here!
00:35:03Calm down, son.
00:35:05I just wanna go home.
00:35:07Oh, I know.
00:35:08Relationships can seem suffocating at times.
00:35:10But, you know, it'll get out.
00:35:17Now, don't you worry.
00:35:18This will be our little secret.
00:35:29There it is.
00:35:30Sweet.
00:35:31Don't take the pieces from my side, please.
00:35:33There's pieces missing.
00:35:34Hey, hey!
00:35:35How'd it go?
00:35:37Everything's fine, honey.
00:35:38Yeah?
00:35:39Everything's fine.
00:35:43Uh-oh.
00:35:47Oh, just like Paul Newman.
00:35:51Nice, firm...
00:35:52Grandma!
00:35:53A Dolores Grant.
00:35:55Nice to meet you.
00:35:57Hey, dude, I got some clothes you can borrow.
00:35:59Come on.
00:36:01Whatever.
00:36:01Thanks, man.
00:36:10I didn't like those pants anyway.
00:36:13Here.
00:36:15Try those.
00:36:22You have a phone?
00:36:24Yeah.
00:36:25Keep it to yourself that you know how my mom is about phones at Christmas.
00:36:29Uh, I need to make a call.
00:36:32Could I borrow it for a minute?
00:36:35Sure.
00:36:38Thanks.
00:36:56I'll be out in a minute!
00:36:58Let's go in there, sunshine.
00:37:00Hi, you've reached Jessica's voicemail.
00:37:01Damn it.
00:37:10Maria.
00:37:14Hello?
00:37:16Mrs. Barber, it's David.
00:37:17Hello, darling.
00:37:19Merry Christmas.
00:37:20I was looking for Jessica, but I don't have time for that.
00:37:22Listen, I've been taken...
00:37:24Maria!
00:37:25I can't reach my drink!
00:37:29Mrs. Barber, are you there?
00:37:30Let me get Jessica for you, darling.
00:37:32Jessica!
00:37:33No, no, no, Mrs. Barber!
00:37:34Wait, wait, wait!
00:37:35Maria!
00:37:37Maria!
00:37:38Oh, no, Mrs. Barber.
00:37:41Not again.
00:37:44Hey, where's Nick?
00:37:46He's on the phone.
00:37:48Phone? What phone?
00:37:49My phone.
00:37:51Oh, man!
00:38:01Hello?
00:38:03Jessica!
00:38:04Who's this?
00:38:05It's David.
00:38:06Look, I've got something really important to tell you.
00:38:08Really?
00:38:09Because you said that you had something important to say yesterday.
00:38:12And then you stood me up.
00:38:16Is my boyfriend in there?
00:38:17Daisy May has been in there primping for ten minutes.
00:38:20Open this door!
00:38:21I was getting my Gamma Pie Delta alumni luncheon to meet you.
00:38:24Jessica, please listen to me.
00:38:25And I am sure that Betsy Palmer jumped at the chance to campaign for my spot as social chair.
00:38:31Open this door!
00:38:33I was on Broadway once.
00:38:36Hey!
00:38:37I was kidnapped from the restaurant yesterday by a waitress.
00:38:40She's about 5'2", she's got crazy hair and crazy eyes.
00:38:47If this is your way of getting out of Christmas Eve with my parents.
00:38:50Listen to me!
00:38:51I'm a couple hours outside the city.
00:38:53North, I think.
00:38:55It's a log cabin.
00:38:56Six plus four.
00:38:57Rustic charm.
00:38:58Are you drunk?
00:39:00Please, sweetheart.
00:39:01I love you.
00:39:02The important thing yesterday?
00:39:04I was going to propose.
00:39:07Propose?
00:39:09Go to the police and tell them what's happened.
00:39:13Jessica, are you there?
00:39:16You're serious?
00:39:18Yes!
00:39:21I have to go.
00:39:34Did you talk to someone on the phone?
00:39:36Nope.
00:39:37Couldn't get any reception in the bathroom.
00:39:39I don't believe you.
00:39:40You talk to someone!
00:39:42Okay.
00:39:43You're right.
00:39:44I did.
00:39:44And it's only a matter of time now until I'm broken out of this asylum.
00:39:50But I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
00:39:52Until that time, I've decided I'm going to help you.
00:39:56I'm going to be the best boyfriend ever and your parents are going to fall in love with me.
00:40:02Why would you do that?
00:40:03Because it's going to be more satisfying for me when your family learns the truth about you.
00:40:17You have to swing your hips in conjunction with your shoulders.
00:40:20If you watch Tiger, it's all connected.
00:40:23One fluid motion.
00:40:25There you go.
00:40:26Playing through.
00:40:28Okay.
00:40:30So, what is it you do, Nick?
00:40:32I work for a real estate development company.
00:40:35Really? Which one?
00:40:36Barber & Partners.
00:40:37I know Barber & Partners. That's a good company.
00:40:40My friend did some legal work for you on the Pinehurst condos.
00:40:42Oh, okay.
00:40:43What do you do there?
00:40:45I'm a vice president of new business.
00:40:47You know, there was a time we thought Trudy, with all her causes, might go to law school like her
00:40:52sister Katie.
00:40:53Being a Democrat is not a cause, Dad.
00:40:56But she got her degree in liberal arts.
00:40:59Fine arts, Dad.
00:40:59I don't even know what that means.
00:41:01It's an expensive way to say, do you want fries with that?
00:41:06Yeah, that's...
00:41:09Homemade ornaments.
00:41:10Yeah. Trudy made that when she was five.
00:41:13She was a little withdrawn as a child.
00:41:15Okay, Mom.
00:41:16You know, her brother and sister are so outgoing and they had so many friends, but Trudy was, I don't
00:41:20know, a little antisocial.
00:41:22Really?
00:41:23We even paid a little boy down the street to be her friend, but he gave us our money back.
00:41:27All right.
00:41:30So, from then on, it was Trudy and her projects and, of course, Bobo Blonkers.
00:41:37Bobo Blonkers?
00:41:38Her imaginary friend.
00:41:39Thanks, Mom. Thanks a lot.
00:41:41What? What was that?
00:41:42Are you talking to Bobo Blonkers right now?
00:41:45I have an idea.
00:41:46Why don't we let Nick put the angel up on the tree this year?
00:41:49Mom, I've been doing it since I was four years old.
00:41:52Remember when Dad used to hold me up to the top of the tree and I was so cute up
00:41:55there?
00:41:56I don't know, honey. Don't be selfish.
00:42:00Dad, it's my thing. I mean, this is my moment.
00:42:02You know, it's tradition. Does anyone care about that anymore?
00:42:05Trudy, what's wrong with starting a new tradition?
00:42:08Nick, up the tree.
00:42:10Oh, thanks. All right.
00:42:15Hey, there she is.
00:42:19Give up!
00:42:20I got him!
00:42:21Oh!
00:42:22Ok.
00:42:23Ah!
00:42:25Put that, put that, put that, put that!
00:42:28Ah!
00:42:30Oh!
00:42:51This is really a great place.
00:42:53You know, there's an incredible craftsmanship that goes into a cabin like this.
00:42:57I'd say this is Adirondack style with a contemporary twist.
00:43:00Yes, in the Adirondacks, I starred in a revival of Madea.
00:43:05Yes, we know that, Mother.
00:43:07You don't need to shout, dear. I'm not deaf.
00:43:13Nick, would you like another piece of pie?
00:43:15Sure.
00:43:17Trudy, would you get another piece of pie, please?
00:43:20Well, he knows where the kitchen is.
00:43:23Are you trying to ruin Christmas?
00:43:28Aw, thank you, Bunnykins.
00:43:30Oh, my goodness.
00:43:34Nick, every Christmas Eve we read,
00:43:37"'Twas the Night Before Christmas,"
00:43:38and I was wondering if maybe you would like to do the honors?
00:43:42Yeah.
00:43:42Yes, yes.
00:43:43Come on, Nick.
00:43:45Really?
00:43:46Oh, wow.
00:43:48Okay.
00:43:49That's it.
00:43:50I've had enough.
00:43:59Uh, I'm gonna...
00:44:01Yeah.
00:44:03Yeah, smart.
00:44:09What's the matter with you?
00:44:11What's the matter with me?
00:44:12They're fawning all over you like the last piece of filet mignon.
00:44:15That's what you wanted.
00:44:16Isn't that the whole point of all this?
00:44:17Yeah, but...
00:44:19But what?
00:44:20My family likes you more than they like me.
00:44:29I didn't even want to read the stupid story.
00:44:31So don't read the story.
00:44:32I don't care if you read the story.
00:44:35Well, then fine.
00:44:35Then I'm gonna read the story.
00:44:38Fine.
00:44:39Fine.
00:44:45Love this pie.
00:44:51Is, um...
00:44:53Everything okay?
00:44:54Yeah, it's fine, Mom.
00:44:56Okay, here we go.
00:44:59"'Twas the Night Before Christmas."
00:45:02Went all through the house.
00:45:03Not a creature was stirring.
00:45:05not even a mouse the stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that saint nicholas
00:45:12soon would be there the children were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of sugar
00:45:37mom we don't have to leave oreos and milk for santa this year what if santa's hungry
00:45:42will you put that away mom come on we're all adults here we don't have to write letters
00:45:48how is santa going to know what you want good night you can't eat those what's it going to look
00:46:04like
00:46:04if santa doesn't eat his cookies well it figures you're a dunker of course what are you a twister
00:46:12oh it's so wrong in so many ways all right let's get this over with
00:46:20oh this is so dumb i hope you're not expecting much from santa a federal offense probably
00:46:25puts you on the naughty list this year laugh it up you gotta do one too
00:46:34this may take a while
00:46:44i'm gonna ask for a new fully loaded suv
00:46:47hmm interesting i'm gonna ask for an end to global warming
00:46:52what you think my list is superficial i don't know let me see it
00:46:55no you want a pasta machine i like to cook well don't you want something more you know meaningful
00:47:03i have everything i want great job beautiful girlfriend
00:47:13let me see yours
00:47:16tiki lights chinese teapot stop disappointing my parents
00:47:25come on i'm sure that's not true
00:47:28believe me it's true look your parents are good people they love you
00:47:35i just wish for once they'd look at me
00:47:39you know the way they look at you
00:47:41they do
00:47:42they don't
00:47:46the best christmas i ever had i was 10
00:47:49i was taking figure skating lessons and i was supposed to have this big recital on christmas eve
00:47:54there was this huge snowstorm and they cancelled it
00:47:56oh i was so upset
00:47:59but our house had this patio on the back and my dad shoveled it and ran the hose over it
00:48:03and made ice
00:48:04and my mom put lights in all the trees in the backyard
00:48:08the glow was so beautiful
00:48:12it was so quiet
00:48:16that christmas eve i skated my little routine with my parents watching
00:48:20it was like i was the only person in the whole world
00:48:24they were so proud of me
00:48:29somewhere along the way things changed and
00:48:32i just wish they still felt that way about me you know
00:48:41you know i think parents want the best for their kids
00:48:45but
00:48:47sometimes they don't know what that is
00:48:53i should probably hide the evidence
00:49:13hello
00:49:16hello
00:49:18hello
00:49:20excuse me there's a concerned citizen here who needs help from her civil servants
00:49:24i'm never gonna guess
00:49:26yoohoo
00:49:27hey
00:49:30somebody better pay attention to me
00:49:32it's all yours now
00:49:36let me guess
00:49:37domestic disturbance
00:49:41no
00:49:41thank you very much
00:49:44i'm here to report
00:49:45a kidnapping
00:49:48dancing through the stone
00:49:50and a one horse over slain
00:49:53so why
00:49:54whenever i was sick
00:49:55oh my god i took a baby last night
00:49:57i'm sure
00:49:57merry christmas
00:49:59merry christmas
00:50:27warm jackets and stuff by the back door presents are at four dinner will be at seven
00:50:32that's it
00:50:34you know about last night i didn't mean to get personal and you know
00:50:42what
00:50:44oh my god never mind
00:50:47what
00:50:48wait
00:50:49wait it's great you're just checking out my sister i mean why wouldn't you be of course you are
00:50:53she's gorgeous and graceful and
00:50:56your sister's very limber
00:51:00you're jealous
00:51:01i am not
00:51:02i'm not
00:51:04i'm not
00:51:07george kids even play hockey
00:51:08i played my fair share
00:51:10well i've been playing with my brother since i could walk
00:51:12so let's go
00:51:17um
00:51:18i'm okay
00:51:20i'm okay
00:51:20i'm okay
00:51:23uh
00:51:24you sure you wanna do this
00:51:26yeah
00:51:26come on
00:51:28but i've been concentrating
00:51:30until i make your mind
00:51:31oh my god
00:51:35oh
00:51:35oh
00:51:35oh
00:51:36oh
00:51:38sorry
00:51:39now i gotta give it to you
00:51:40pretty scrappy
00:51:42Um, I think you've had enough for now.
00:51:47So what do you do for fun?
00:51:48For fun?
00:51:49You know, what are you interested in?
00:51:52I paint.
00:51:53Really? What kind of paintings?
00:51:55Uh, portraits mostly.
00:51:57You know, I like post-impressionist stuff.
00:52:00Um, to focus on color over line.
00:52:01I know what post-impressionism is.
00:52:03Like Cezanne? Or more like Alice Neel?
00:52:06I love Alice Neel. You know Alice Neel?
00:52:08You shouldn't jump to conclusions about people.
00:52:12So what do you do besides build cookie-cutter condominiums for the masses?
00:52:17I didn't start out to do that.
00:52:19I actually studied architecture.
00:52:22For a while there, I thought I was going to go out on my own.
00:52:24Why didn't you?
00:52:26Eh, what's risky, and there's no money in it unless you're established.
00:52:29Well, what about your parents? Wouldn't they have helped you get started?
00:52:32Yeah, they would have if they had two nickels to rub together.
00:52:36They were both schoolteachers.
00:52:37They died in a car accident when I was nine.
00:52:40Oh.
00:52:42I'm so sorry.
00:52:44But you said you grew up well off.
00:52:46No, you did.
00:52:48I lived with my grandfather in a one-bedroom apartment until I was 18.
00:52:52I worked my way through college mowing lawns for the city.
00:52:56That must have been tough.
00:52:58You know, it actually helped me in certain ways.
00:53:00I learned at an early age that we're all on our own.
00:53:17Would you go, please?
00:53:18Don't rush me.
00:53:27Oh, for the love of God.
00:53:31Ha.
00:53:34Ha.
00:53:35Aw, that's too bad.
00:53:37Making a move like that must be killing you.
00:53:40Hey.
00:53:41Oh, why didn't you keep hitting yourself?
00:53:44Seriously, what are you doing?
00:53:45Trudy, I'm starting to worry about you now.
00:53:47Oh my gosh, you have to stop that right now.
00:53:48Stop.
00:53:49No.
00:53:50Give it back.
00:53:50I didn't mean to do that.
00:53:51But you did it.
00:53:52It's done.
00:53:53It was a mistake.
00:53:54You can't take something back once it's already done.
00:53:58Even if you realize right away it was wrong and you're sorry.
00:54:08Fine.
00:54:10But know that you're a cheater.
00:54:16Such a cheater.
00:54:22I'm going to go get some milk for these.
00:54:28Oh, well, we're not into public displays of affection.
00:54:36Right.
00:54:36Come on, don't be such a prude.
00:54:38Yeah, sorry, you have no choice.
00:54:40It's mistletoe.
00:54:48Dun, dun, da-da.
00:54:51Mom!
00:54:52Get the milk.
00:54:55Oh, this is it.
00:54:57The scene of the crime.
00:54:59Are you going to draw your guns?
00:55:03Merry Christmas.
00:55:04Welcome to Taj's Diner Deluxe.
00:55:06We have a delicious ho-ho hot dog special today.
00:55:10We're not here to eat.
00:55:11We're here because my boyfriend was kidnapped by one of your waitresses yesterday.
00:55:15Yeah, female, 5'2", crazy hair, crazy eyes.
00:55:20Do you know anyone who fits that description?
00:55:22Apparently he was taking a gunpoint.
00:55:24Do you know where she may have gotten a gun?
00:55:26Oh.
00:55:27Huh?
00:55:28No, no, no, no.
00:55:29I don't know.
00:55:30I don't know anything.
00:55:31I don't know.
00:55:38Mom, isn't it time for presents?
00:55:40Oh, is it?
00:55:41It's 4 p.m.
00:55:43Hmm.
00:55:43What are you doing?
00:55:44Um, oh, I'm folding your father's jockey shorts.
00:55:48Sometimes I have dreams that hundreds of pairs of underwear envelop me.
00:55:53Do you ever have dreams like that?
00:55:55No.
00:55:56Mom, are you okay?
00:55:59Do you know that your father's the only man I have ever slept with?
00:56:03Have you slept with more than one man?
00:56:08No.
00:56:09Oh, of course you have.
00:56:10It's the way of the modern world.
00:56:11You boink a whole lot of different people.
00:56:13You don't just pick one and hope for the best.
00:56:19Well, I'm pretty sure it's time for presents.
00:56:22Come on.
00:56:25Oh, honey, you're right.
00:56:27Yes, okay.
00:56:28Let's go, go, go.
00:56:32Let's go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
00:57:02Wee.
00:57:04Have you noticed anything strange about Mom?
00:57:07Like more than usual?
00:57:08Yeah, I don't know, I just had a weird conversation with her, and I think she might not be so
00:57:13happy with Dad.
00:57:14What?
00:57:15That's crazy.
00:57:16She used the word boink.
00:57:18Yeah.
00:57:20I don't care.
00:57:21Nick, for you.
00:57:23Judy, for you.
00:57:25Can I?
00:57:26Okay.
00:57:28Nick's hand.
00:57:29Oh.
00:57:30It's a backscrubber.
00:57:31Wow.
00:57:32Expoliation is the key to good skin.
00:57:34Yeah.
00:57:34That's totally true.
00:57:35Wow, good job, Mom.
00:57:37Good, yeah.
00:57:38Good.
00:57:44It just lights up your face.
00:57:45Pink.
00:57:46Smile.
00:57:48Oh, beautiful.
00:57:50Great.
00:57:51Gone with the parts, son.
00:57:53Greed is good.
00:57:55Wow.
00:57:57Wow.
00:57:57Chad found that.
00:57:58It lists every law firm in America.
00:58:00Okay.
00:58:02Wait, I was saying you don't have enough underwear?
00:58:04Oh, my gosh.
00:58:05This is really heavy.
00:58:08Oh, great for tightening screws.
00:58:15Oh, I peeped that out.
00:58:17Oh, right.
00:58:17Oh, Trudy.
00:58:18One more gift.
00:58:19It's for you.
00:58:23It's Christmas time.
00:58:24It's Christmas time.
00:58:33Well, we just thought that, yeah.
00:58:38Hey, look, Trudy, I don't know what happened the other day
00:58:40with Mr. Portnoy, but I think it's time
00:58:44to get your head out of the clouds.
00:58:45What do you mean?
00:58:46You need to grow up and get focused on a legitimate career.
00:58:50You're unsettled.
00:58:51You're unfocused.
00:58:52You need to find something to do really well.
00:58:54But I have.
00:58:55I do.
00:58:56It's painting.
00:58:57I mean, it's the only thing I care about.
00:58:58It's the only thing that makes me feel like me.
00:59:00That has nothing to do with what I'm talking about right now.
00:59:03You can paint or draw or color in your spare time.
00:59:07I am talking about your life here.
00:59:09So am I.
00:59:10Don't you want to do something with your life?
00:59:12Yes, but...
00:59:13Honey, we just...
00:59:14We were just trying to help.
00:59:24Um, Mr. Chandler, if you don't mind me saying, sir,
00:59:29I've seen Trudy's paintings, and, well, they're raw and expressive.
00:59:36Complex and, well, a little strange, but really beautiful.
00:59:49And, I have one more gift for her.
01:00:00Gertrude Chandler?
01:00:01Oh!
01:00:02Oh!
01:00:03Will you marry me?
01:00:08Ah!
01:00:11Yes?
01:00:17Oh, my...
01:00:18Oh, my...
01:00:19Oh, my...
01:00:21Oh, my God!
01:00:23This is the best Christmas present you could ever give me!
01:00:27Oh, my God.
01:00:28I'm so excited!
01:00:30Oh, I can't wait to start planning the wedding!
01:00:33Sorry.
01:00:35Congratulations.
01:00:36Okay, um, next on the agenda is, um, dinner in three hours, so, um...
01:00:41I'm sorry.
01:00:42Everybody just get changed and do whatever,
01:00:44and, um, we'll meet back in the dining room at 7 o'clock.
01:00:50That's it!
01:00:51I have it.
01:00:58I know, I...
01:01:00That was...
01:01:01Something.
01:01:02Well, you know, I figured we may as well give them all the bells and whistles.
01:01:05At least for a couple more hours, right?
01:01:12I assume you made up the part about the paintings.
01:01:14I saw your album.
01:01:15It was sticking out of your purse.
01:01:18Oh, you were looking at my bag.
01:01:20Well, the keys aren't there.
01:01:22No, it was an accident.
01:01:23Relax.
01:01:26So do you just carry an engagement ring in your pocket all the time?
01:01:29Yeah.
01:01:31Right.
01:01:34Well, look, I just want to say I'm sorry about everything.
01:01:41To tell you the truth,
01:01:43it hasn't been that bad.
01:01:47Well, if you can just hang in there through Christmas dinner,
01:01:49I promise I'll take you wherever you want to go tomorrow.
01:02:00Hey, Mom, can I help you with anything?
01:02:02Oh, yeah.
01:02:03Um, you can bundle up and take out the garbage.
01:02:05Thank you very much, honey.
01:02:14Hey, what are you doing out here?
01:02:16I'm just enjoying a little downtime.
01:02:18Well, well, that sounds good to me.
01:02:24Hey.
01:02:26Want one?
01:02:27Yeah.
01:02:31So you're engaged.
01:02:34Man.
01:02:36I'm so happy for you, Trude.
01:02:42You know, I...
01:02:43I really hope that happens for me someday.
01:02:45What do you mean?
01:02:46It has happened for you.
01:02:47Jen's great.
01:02:48Yeah, about that.
01:02:51Um...
01:02:52Jen and I broke up like six months ago.
01:02:55Shut up.
01:02:57And I've started seeing someone else.
01:02:59Shut up!
01:03:01And his name is Ryan.
01:03:04Oh, my gosh.
01:03:08Well, you know...
01:03:10I think maybe I knew.
01:03:14Yeah, I knew.
01:03:15What?
01:03:16You didn't know?
01:03:17Come on, I didn't even know.
01:03:18I mean, I guess I kind of knew, but...
01:03:21Well, does anyone else know?
01:03:25I thought I'd tell everyone at dinner.
01:03:28Are you out of your mind?
01:03:50Dolores!
01:03:59What are you doing?
01:04:00I'm going back to the city to get a decent steak and a cognac.
01:04:05You can't drive.
01:04:06Give me the keys.
01:04:07You want to come along for the ride, Rosebud?
01:04:09Come on.
01:04:10Let's blow this rinky-dink log cabin.
01:04:14Dolores!
01:04:27Oh, my God.
01:04:28Rams?
01:04:32Oh, my God.
01:04:33Are you okay, Grandma?
01:04:35Don't touch me and don't call me that.
01:04:38Are you all right?
01:04:40Yeah.
01:04:41What happened to I'm not trying to escape anymore?
01:04:44I was just trying to make sure she didn't hurt herself.
01:04:47Well, I'm glad you're okay.
01:04:54Swear to God, Mary had better be giving birth to baby Jesus outside.
01:04:59Oh, just as good.
01:05:01Police officers...
01:05:02Mrs. Claus, it's time for Stevie Weepy to open another place.
01:05:05You're headed out, Steve.
01:05:07What can I do for you?
01:05:09The owner said that you were her best friend.
01:05:13I don't know where they went.
01:05:14She just took off.
01:05:16You know, when we catch her, you'll be put away, too.
01:05:19For her accessory to kidnapping, obstructing justice.
01:05:24It's not her fault.
01:05:27It's men.
01:05:31They drive women crazy.
01:05:48Oh, I'm sorry.
01:05:50It's okay.
01:05:52I, um, just needed the, uh, the toothpaste.
01:06:04Do you, uh, do you need to take a shower?
01:06:09No, I'll, I'll wait till you're dry.
01:06:11Um, dressed.
01:06:12Done.
01:06:15Whew.
01:06:17Okay.
01:06:20Well, I should probably go now.
01:06:24But we're away.
01:07:00I didn't, uh, mean to scare you off back there.
01:07:03You didn't scare me off.
01:07:06You look great.
01:07:10So do you.
01:07:11Come on. I want to show you something.
01:07:17I'm not giving you a rematch right now.
01:07:20Hold on just one sec.
01:07:23Huh?
01:07:26Okay, put these on, please.
01:07:27What? It's almost dinner time and I'm going to dress you, moron.
01:07:30Please, shut up.
01:07:31Shut up?
01:07:32Just put these on.
01:07:35Hi.
01:07:47Whoa.
01:07:57Oh, my gosh.
01:08:00Oh, I can't believe you did all this.
01:08:05It's beautiful.
01:08:10You're welcome.
01:08:12But you owe me something in return.
01:08:15What?
01:08:16A show.
01:08:17No way.
01:08:18Come on.
01:08:19I want to see this infamous routine.
01:08:22Really?
01:08:24Okay, but if you laugh...
01:08:38I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you
01:08:41know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this,
01:08:43you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see
01:08:43this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to
01:08:43see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want
01:08:43to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I
01:08:43want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know,
01:08:46I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you
01:08:51know, I want to see this, you know, I want to see this, you
01:09:13Oh, there you go.
01:09:14Warm bread.
01:09:16Your tie's crooked.
01:09:19You tied it.
01:09:20Still crooked.
01:09:20Come on here, Blue.
01:09:21Probably.
01:09:24Oh!
01:09:26All right.
01:09:31Mom?
01:09:32Aren't you going to make your annual toast?
01:09:37I'm hungry, let's just eat.
01:09:42Um, excuse me.
01:09:44I, uh, I have something I'd like to share with everyone.
01:09:48Actually, I have something I'd like to say first.
01:09:53It's about school.
01:09:55Oh.
01:09:56I'm not going to law school.
01:10:00What did you say?
01:10:02It's just not for me.
01:10:05I dropped out last semester.
01:10:07Last semester?
01:10:08Well, what have you been doing with all the tuition that I've been sending?
01:10:13I used it as a down payment.
01:10:15Down payment? On what?
01:10:16On a Pilates studio in California.
01:10:20Pilates?
01:10:21I don't know what that is.
01:10:23Somebody translate that.
01:10:25Dad, it's great.
01:10:27It's a type of exercise mixing ballet techniques with yoga used to stretch and lengthen the muscles.
01:10:33Moving to the land of fruits and nuts, gonna lay around all day and stretch.
01:10:40I think it's very creative.
01:10:42Kudos, Katie.
01:10:44Thanks, Mom.
01:10:45What are you talking about?
01:10:47Our daughters just made a fool out of us.
01:10:49Yeah, you did put one over on us, didn't you?
01:10:54You're not dropping out of school. No, no, that's not what's happening. I'm going to tell you what's going to
01:10:58happen. You're going to get the money back and you're going to re-enroll.
01:11:03Oh, lighten up, Dick.
01:11:14Um, everyone, I, uh, I want to say something, too.
01:11:23I'm gay.
01:11:27Oh, honey, I know. I'm sorry.
01:11:42For God's sake, Catherine, what is wrong with you?
01:11:46What's wrong with me? Huh, let me think. Um, I hate the way you moan when you chew your food.
01:11:52What are you talking about?
01:11:56It's disgusting. It makes me want to throw up.
01:11:59And also, I hate that we never talk about anything important.
01:12:03Maybe that's because we all live in your world, Catherine, where nobody can say anything honest because it might be
01:12:10upsetting.
01:12:12You are the puppet master and I am your little clown.
01:12:16Boom!
01:12:17Stop it!
01:12:18God, you two, what are you guys doing?
01:12:20You think I am controlling? You are the ass who is forcing your children to become mini versions of yourself!
01:12:26This isn't my world, because if this was my world, I wouldn't have to picture Clint Eastwood just to get
01:12:31through our annual birthday sex!
01:12:34Ugh.
01:12:50Aren't you glad you're gay?
01:12:54Everybody, freeze!
01:12:55They're up there! Freeze!
01:12:57Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:12:58Calm down, everybody. Just relax.
01:13:00Wait. What is going on?
01:13:02Reason to believe that woman's guilty of kidnapping.
01:13:05That can't be. That's absurd.
01:13:06Kidnapping? Who?
01:13:08David Martin.
01:13:09Who's David Martin?
01:13:14No, that's her boyfriend, Nick.
01:13:18No, Mom.
01:13:19It's not.
01:13:24I'm not her boyfriend.
01:13:29This is getting weird.
01:13:31I don't know who brought home the bacon, but I'm gonna fry it up in a pan.
01:13:37Mother, no!
01:13:38Somebody has to protect this family. It looks as though it's got to be me.
01:13:42Man, put the gun down.
01:13:43Is she having a Civil War flashback?
01:13:45She's just had a little too much eggnog.
01:13:47Um, she's an actress, and the gun is probably just a prop.
01:13:51You take the big one.
01:13:53Dolores.
01:14:03I was on Broadway once.
01:14:10I know.
01:14:16Merry Christmas.
01:14:29You were the present under my tree.
01:14:36One perfect danger...
01:14:38Mom.
01:14:39Kidnapping?
01:14:43Kidnapping?!
01:14:43Mom, look at me.
01:14:45Where did I go wrong?
01:14:47Was I not a good mother?
01:14:49Yeah, of course you were.
01:14:50This is not your fault.
01:14:51We won't talk about it.
01:14:53Dad!
01:14:54Not now, Trudy.
01:15:00Horse muck didn't press charges.
01:15:06You're free to go.
01:15:07Thank God.
01:15:12Hi.
01:15:23That was not you, Grambo.
01:15:26My officer.
01:15:28What did you have in mind?
01:15:31One change purse.
01:15:33One can opener slash keychain.
01:15:36Comes in handier than you'd think.
01:15:38One...
01:15:39Holy crap!
01:15:40Look at that rock.
01:15:42Girl, you hold on to that man.
01:15:48Yeah.
01:15:50One day I'll walk you
01:15:54Hand in hand
01:15:58In the sun and
01:16:02You and I are talking
01:16:10Realize
01:16:11Realize
01:16:12We've become
01:16:18Hi.
01:16:19Hi.
01:16:20Just wanted to say thanks for...
01:16:22Not pressing charges.
01:16:25Can't say I ever imagined saying that in a sentence.
01:16:29Is, uh...
01:16:31Everyone okay?
01:16:31Yeah, they're fine.
01:16:33They're not too happy with me right now.
01:16:36I really did it this time.
01:16:39I wanted to give this back to you.
01:16:43Thanks.
01:16:45Listen, uh...
01:16:46This whole situation's sort of confusing.
01:16:49But I wanted to say...
01:16:51David!
01:16:51Let's get out of here, honey.
01:16:54Give me one minute, okay?
01:16:55Who's this?
01:16:57Is this her?
01:17:01You have some nerve.
01:17:02Look, I wanted to apologize again to both of you.
01:17:05Save it.
01:17:05You and your band of hooligans would still be in jail if it were up to me.
01:17:10Let's go.
01:17:16I, uh...
01:17:16David!
01:17:23Take care of yourself.
01:17:25Yeah, you too.
01:17:50Sure you don't want your old job back?
01:17:54You want lunch?
01:17:55Sure.
01:17:57Here.
01:17:59What about Taj?
01:18:00Ah, please.
01:18:02You know, he's a softy under all that bluster.
01:18:04Besides, we've reached a new stage in our relationship.
01:18:07Oh, what's that?
01:18:07Partners.
01:18:08That's great!
01:18:11Yeah.
01:18:12So, how's the real job search going?
01:18:15Not so great.
01:18:16Apparently I have no real skills.
01:18:19Mm-hmm.
01:18:20I don't know, my parents are right.
01:18:22I have to be realistic.
01:18:24I can't just wish for something that's never gonna happen.
01:18:27There is no perfect job, perfect family, perfect guy.
01:18:31So you haven't heard from him then?
01:18:32No.
01:18:34See, this is what I'm talking about.
01:18:35I can't believe I actually thought I had feelings for some guy I kidnapped.
01:18:39I mean, what did I think was gonna happen?
01:19:02I like the nuptial script.
01:19:04All right.
01:19:05Done.
01:19:07Where is Maria with the next dress?
01:19:10Maria!
01:19:11We have three more dresses to go.
01:19:13Where are you?
01:19:26Do you like that font?
01:19:29David.
01:19:32Font.
01:19:32What?
01:19:34Uh...
01:19:35I'm sorry.
01:19:36I...
01:19:37I need some air.
01:19:39Oh.
01:19:51Hey.
01:19:53Hey.
01:19:55Could be a bit overwhelming in there.
01:19:57As you don't say.
01:19:58You all right?
01:19:58Yeah.
01:20:00Yeah, I'm fine.
01:20:02Well, we need you inside.
01:20:04Okay.
01:20:10Jess, um...
01:20:12Do you, uh...
01:20:15Ever have any doubts about us?
01:20:17What?
01:20:19Well, it's just that you could be with any number of guys.
01:20:24Why me?
01:20:26Because we make sense.
01:20:29And we're gonna lead a life that most people dream of.
01:20:31All right?
01:20:32You and I are gonna have a fairytale wedding,
01:20:35and a fairytale life.
01:20:43Maria!
01:20:43Where?
01:20:45I hate my life.
01:21:16Hello?
01:21:16Trude, hey, it's me.
01:21:18Hey.
01:21:19How's it going?
01:21:20Hmm, I've been better.
01:21:22Did you talk to Mom and Dad yet?
01:21:24No, I've been avoiding them.
01:21:26Trude, you should call them.
01:21:29Oh my God, Jake.
01:21:31I'm just saying, you know, be the bigger person.
01:21:34No, no, no, no, no.
01:21:34I've been accepted into a show at Gallery 717.
01:21:37Wow, that's great.
01:21:38It's a new artist exhibit.
01:21:40They want a piece from me.
01:21:41Trude, that's fantastic.
01:21:43When is it?
01:21:44A week from Saturday.
01:21:45Will you come with me, please?
01:21:46Yes, of course I will.
01:21:49Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?
01:21:50No, no, I don't want to fight with them.
01:21:52I just want this to be my night, you know?
01:22:20I'm so happy you're here.
01:22:22You wouldn't miss it for the world.
01:22:24So, um, this is Ryan.
01:22:27Hi.
01:22:28Jake, you didn't do her justice.
01:22:30It's so nice to finally meet you.
01:22:31So, listen, I'm a little nervous.
01:22:33I don't know what people are saying about the piece, so go over and eavesdrop for me.
01:22:37Okay, okay.
01:22:38But listen, um, there is one other thing.
01:22:41What?
01:22:42Now, don't freak out, but I, uh, I brought a few more people with me.
01:22:53I told you I didn't want them here.
01:22:58I don't have time to do this tonight, okay?
01:22:59I won't do this.
01:23:00Just for one night.
01:23:01I don't want to feel like the black sheep, the weird one, the wrong one, okay?
01:23:05Okay.
01:23:05We hear you.
01:23:07What?
01:23:08Your father and I have found that keeping open lines of honest communication is the only
01:23:12way to restore a healthy relationship.
01:23:15What?
01:23:16They've been in therapy.
01:23:20It really is working.
01:23:22So, what else, honey?
01:23:23Just let it out.
01:23:26I'm tired of trying to live up to your ideals, you know?
01:23:29And I won't live my life to please you.
01:23:31I mean, sometimes I feel like you have no idea who I am.
01:23:34I'm a slob.
01:23:35I mean, sometimes, if I leave a dish in the sink too long, I just throw it away instead
01:23:39of washing it.
01:23:40And, Mom, I hate pink.
01:23:40I hate it.
01:23:41And I don't want a job in computer sales, Dad.
01:23:43You know, I'm an artist.
01:23:44That's who I am.
01:23:46And I love you guys, but if you make me choose between me and you, I choose me.
01:23:52Okay.
01:23:54Okay?
01:23:57Yes, okay.
01:23:58We hear you.
01:24:00Okay.
01:24:03You know, we worry about you, kiddo.
01:24:06We don't want you to get hurt.
01:24:07We want you to be safe.
01:24:08I mean, if I could, I'd have you live inside of a plastic bubble, but I was told that's
01:24:12a little too impractical.
01:24:13And we never meant to make you feel weird or wrong.
01:24:18We love you.
01:24:22Whatever you want, that's what we want for you.
01:24:33Thanks, Dad.
01:24:33Come here.
01:24:37I love you so much.
01:24:39I love you too, Mom.
01:24:42Oh, no, sis.
01:24:51I love your paintings.
01:24:53I love it.
01:24:54The compositions are amazing.
01:24:59Hey.
01:25:00Hey.
01:25:01Oh, jeez.
01:25:02It's great to meet you.
01:25:07You okay, sweetheart?
01:25:09It's fine.
01:25:10Someone bought it.
01:25:11I know.
01:25:12It's wonderful.
01:25:16What's the matter?
01:25:18It just feels different than I thought it would.
01:25:20Oh?
01:25:21How?
01:25:22I don't know.
01:25:23It's just...
01:25:24It's...
01:25:25Nick?
01:25:26No, not Nick.
01:25:28Well, maybe.
01:25:29Well, no.
01:25:29I mean, it's not Nick.
01:25:30It's David.
01:25:31Stupid is what it is.
01:25:33It's not stupid.
01:25:38If there's one thing I know, it's the corrosive nature of silence.
01:25:43It leads to regret, and it'll eat away at you bit by bit.
01:25:47Look at your dad and me.
01:25:48It's never too late.
01:25:51Actually, it is.
01:25:53He got married today.
01:25:59Cheers.
01:26:15Hey.
01:26:16Hey.
01:26:18Just so you know, I have a black belt, and my hands are considered lethal weapons.
01:26:23Ooh, scary.
01:26:23David?
01:26:25What's going on here?
01:26:26Payback.
01:26:27It's a bitch.
01:26:28Aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon or something?
01:26:32Okay, how about I take that blindfold off now?
01:26:34Huh?
01:26:35How'd that be?
01:26:39Wow.
01:26:41Where are we?
01:26:44Trudy, you are...
01:26:48unorganized.
01:26:49And pushy.
01:26:51And crazy.
01:26:52I know, and I'm working on those things, and if you'll just listen to me...
01:26:55And you talk too much.
01:26:56Okay.
01:26:59I lost a lot because of you.
01:27:03But I've realized that I don't want any of those things.
01:27:07Wait.
01:27:08You don't?
01:27:10Everything I want is right here.
01:27:17Martin art and architecture.
01:27:21Gallery and studio.
01:27:24Wow.
01:27:26It's amazing.
01:27:27And I've just acquired my first piece.
01:27:38I don't know what to say.
01:27:40That's a first.
01:27:47I've spent my entire life striving for things that I didn't even want, because I thought that's what I was
01:27:52supposed to do.
01:27:53I thought I had something to prove.
01:27:56But I don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore.
01:28:00You don't?
01:28:05Well, maybe one more thing.
01:28:25Can you take these off me now?
01:28:38There may be no such thing as a perfect job, a perfect family, or a perfect life.
01:28:43But there is such a thing as a perfect moment.
01:28:46So I take back what I said.
01:28:48Doing one crazy thing probably does make you crazy.
01:28:52But it can also make you happy.
01:29:24And then the time it's a perfect moment.
01:29:24I don't have to believe inside me.
01:29:24I never know.
01:29:33I don't want to believe inside.
01:29:33I don't want to believe inside me.
01:29:39Well, I know.
01:29:40I don't want to believe inside a table.
01:29:41Why can't they have anyedness?
01:29:41You
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