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Taskmaster - S15E06 - It's My Milk Now [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full
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00:02Brace! Brace!
00:03I'm bracing!
00:12No, no, no, no, no!
00:18No!
00:23Ah!
00:25What?
00:34APPLAUSE
00:37Hello!
00:38Hi, everyone, Javis. Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41Spoiler alert, I don't know everything.
00:43I don't know how the pyramids were built.
00:46I can't explain nuclear fusion.
00:48I don't know what butter is. What is it? No-one knows, really.
00:50Off milk? Try spreading off milk on your kids' toast.
00:53They'll be off school for a fortnight, you idiot!
00:55So, why would five comedians risk everything to win a trophy
00:59that doesn't look like anyone?
01:01It's not me. I've had a beard for five years.
01:03It doesn't matter.
01:04The point is, we don't need to know the answer to everything.
01:08Sometimes we just need to...
01:10..drink it in.
01:11So, please, raise your glasses...
01:15..to Frankie Boyle!
01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:17I'm Rob Brayan!
01:19Julia Clare!
01:21Kyle Smith-Coinel!
01:23And Mae Martin!
01:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:29And next to me, the chips to my fish,
01:32the nut to my bolt,
01:33the toilet bowl to my heavy-beef lunch.
01:37It is!
01:40Little Alex Hall!
01:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:44Hello, Greg. You all right? Yeah.
01:46Do you want to get any of ice pie?
01:47Yes, please.
01:48OK, well, let's play.
01:51What sort of pie is this?
01:53It's an ice...
01:55It's an ice pie, isn't it?
01:57You've got a guess to filling.
01:58That's the game?
01:59That's the game.
02:00And then we crack it open and find out if you're right.
02:03It's really wet.
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05OK, I think it's a chicken pie.
02:07It is a chicken pie.
02:08OK.
02:08He's won ice pie!
02:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:12On with the prize task.
02:14For today's prize task,
02:16you demanded the comedian's brought in
02:17the best thing to play about with in your bathroom.
02:20The winner of the episode is guaranteed
02:22some seriously top-level bathroom fun.
02:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:26Hi, and I'll start with you.
02:27What do you like playing with in your bathroom?
02:29I like playing with a piano.
02:32Here it is.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:37Does it drown out unfortunate sounds?
02:40Um, it depends how high you turn it up.
02:43So you're saying you could provide the soundtrack to the moment?
02:47Is that what...? You call it the moment?
02:49Do you not call it the moment?
02:50He's always called it the moment.
02:52What tunes could a man play on this piece of tat?
02:54Oh, we're talking three blind mice...
02:57LAUGHTER
02:59Um...
02:59End of sentence.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:02LAUGHTER
03:03Shit!
03:05LAUGHTER
03:05That is...
03:07That is a disappointing start.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:10May?
03:11Well, I guess if people stay around my house,
03:15I want them to have a very exciting and thrilling time,
03:17and I like to live on the edge dangerously.
03:20So I've made a toothpaste Russian roulette.
03:25Here's a picture of it.
03:27Toothpaste Russian roulette.
03:28OK, so...
03:29There's different things in each tube.
03:31So one has mayonnaise, one has cream cheese,
03:33one has face cream and one has toothpaste.
03:35Oh!
03:35I've never felt such danger as brushing my teeth with cheese.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40OK.
03:41Quite fun, though.
03:42It's fun and you've made an effort.
03:45Yeah.
03:45Yeah.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47Frankie!
03:48You know how when you have a bath,
03:50you set up a lot of candles, you create an atmosphere?
03:53Why not...
03:54One does.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:56Why not...
03:57Why not use that atmosphere to contact the dead...
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03..with a laminated Ouija board
04:05specifically designed to contact the dead members
04:08of the group, the Bee Gees.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11LAUGHTER
04:12Wow.
04:13Here is Frankie's waterproof Bee Gees Ouija board.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:19LAUGHTER
04:22APPLAUSE
04:24APPLAUSE
04:26APPLAUSE
04:27I really like it, Frankie.
04:29I probably shouldn't. I do, though.
04:30And I'm a big fan of the Bee Gees.
04:32R.I.P. R.I.P.
04:33Hello, Barry.
04:36Hi, fam.
04:37Greg, I've brought in a prize task that combines a lovely bit of music,
04:43a lovely bit of danger and even a little bit of death.
04:46It's a scale model of the Titanic.
04:49And here it is.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54Come on, Greg.
04:56God.
04:56Don't you want to bathe with her?
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59I don't want to recreate one of the worst maritime disasters in history.
05:05But you don't have to recreate it.
05:07You can keep your scale model of the Titanic afloat in the bar.
05:10Afloat?
05:10That's the beauty of the prize task.
05:12God.
05:12You can change history for the better.
05:14I don't think you can change history.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18Hello, Jenny.
05:19Hello, boys.
05:20Hello.
05:21Hello, both.
05:22I don't know whether either of you or any of my teammates here are
05:26clenchers or grinders. The world does divide.
05:29Clencher or grinder?
05:30Grinder.
05:31Grinder.
05:32Grinder.
05:32I'm a clencher, terrible clencher,
05:35and this is a charming mouth brace I have to wear at night.
05:37And I can put...
05:40Have you lost your mind?
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44OK.
05:45So, I start like that, like...
05:47..and it's disgusting.
05:49And you can now get it properly cleaned.
05:52So, on the market, there's this digital brace cleaner that you can get.
05:57In short, Jenny has brought in a dental pod.
06:00Yeah.
06:01I know what she's brought in.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:03Have some fun in the bathroom.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:06OK.
06:08They also are quite expensive, and I haven't treated myself to one.
06:12I thought, if I ask them to get me one on this, I'll go home with it.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16Even if I don't win.
06:18If I don't win.
06:19You're going to have to judge this, Greg.
06:21Jenny's definitely helped me out.
06:22Yes.
06:23One point for Jenny and Claire.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:25Two points to May.
06:29Three to Ivo, I think.
06:31Right.
06:31Four to Kyle.
06:33So, Frankie Boyle takes the five points.
06:34With a Ouija board.
06:35Frankie Boyle, five points.
06:37Frankie Boyle.
06:41OK, let's have a poppy task.
06:42Yes, I know.
06:44I agree.
06:45OK, here is a task right now.
07:02Hello.
07:03Hello.
07:03Hello, everyone.
07:04Anyone have a seat?
07:07Mmm.
07:09Two chairs.
07:10That's a bit ominous.
07:11Oh, I've got a heart.
07:14What's all this about?
07:17LAUGHTER
07:22Invent an imaginary companion.
07:26I do that every day.
07:28Then complete a domestic task with your imaginary companion.
07:32Your imaginary companion must either be much taller or much littler than you.
07:36Most poignant scene wins.
07:39Interesting criteria.
07:40You have 20 minutes.
07:41Your time starts now.
07:43Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
07:45Yep.
07:45Who wore the same jacket?
07:47LAUGHTER
07:49It's really just a dramatic scene with just myself.
07:53How much any story of a 49-year-old man with an imaginary friend is going to have a certain
07:58poignancy.
07:58What are you thinking?
08:00Wash it up.
08:01It's a poignant.
08:02If I can get a tear out, that's got to be worth a point.
08:05Would the thought so?
08:06Yeah.
08:06OK.
08:07Do I want this fragile-headed, tall bloke or a tiny little knife in my pocket then?
08:14I've got to keep in my bra like a bone.
08:16There we go.
08:17It's in there.
08:18Wow.
08:18So, are we off to the kitchen?
08:20Sure.
08:21I'll be in the kitchen.
08:23Are you all right in there?
08:24You're right in there, aren't you?
08:25You're all right in there.
08:26OK, we're going to go for a little walk to the kitchen.
08:28Come on.
08:29Let's do that.
08:34I might ask you why never at any point did you seek to open the oven door?
08:41Choosing to let him carry on burning.
08:45Cheaper than a cremation.
08:49Um, May, heartbreaking.
08:51The only thing that slightly brought me out of the narrative,
08:55and perhaps moved me away from the great tragedy, just for a beat,
08:58was the notion that Salvatore used to, and I quote, rock your body.
09:04I'd like more people at funerals to give speeches about how they were going to miss the sex.
09:08No!
09:09No!
09:12OK, hold up.
09:13That's the end of part one, and my chance to find out what it's like to sit on someone's lap.
09:18See you soon.
09:19No.
09:19No.
09:19Not...
09:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:31Hello!
09:33Welcome back to Taskmaster, and the conclusion of our imaginary friend, Task.
09:37Did you have an imaginary friend, Alex?
09:39No, Greg.
09:40They never wanted to hang out with me, but I didn't care because I had wood lice.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:46But, yes, the current task involves creating a poignant scene
09:50with either a very small or a very tall imaginary friend.
09:52We've had three smalls, but now it's time for a biggie with Jenny Eclair.
09:58LAUGHTER
09:59Oh, Eddie, you're so funny.
10:01You make me laugh all the time.
10:03We have such fun together, don't we?
10:06I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye.
10:09That's not really possible, is it?
10:11Well, you've been reached so tall and all that.
10:15This is quite hard and hot work.
10:18Gosh, I could do with a cold drink or something like that.
10:23Hold on.
10:24Ice-cream!
10:25Oh!
10:26Ez!
10:26Your head!
10:31Oh!
10:33Oh!
10:35Oh!
10:36Oh!
10:37Oh!
10:39Oh!
10:42Oh!
10:45Oh!
10:47Oh!
10:48Oh!
10:48I'm sorry!
10:49Oh!
10:50Oh!
10:51It's got another imaginary friend now!
10:54Oh!
10:55Oh!
10:56Oh!
10:57Oh, oh!
11:00APPLAUSE
11:04I'm not sure I've ever felt less moved.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:09I don't know, I've changed my mind to have my little bra friend
11:12and then I don't know what happened.
11:15Well, sheer hysteria seemed to set in.
11:18There's not a court in the land that wouldn't convict you of murder there.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23Next up, it's Ivo.
11:25Whoa!
11:27What could be nicer?
11:29Hot summer's day,
11:31couple of lads cleaning their cars.
11:35Make sure you're thorough.
11:38Look.
11:39Really get every bit there, you see?
11:44Oh, it's looking great.
11:46I'm so proud of you.
11:48I'm so proud of us.
11:50Most people wouldn't give their imaginary friend their own set of wheels
11:53and one day we're going to go on the sweetest road trip together.
11:58LAUGHTER
12:00Not in the same car,
12:02but driving side by side,
12:04singing each other songs through our windows.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08And you'll be so...
12:11LAUGHTER
12:18What about our road trip?
12:22You teach them to wash their car,
12:24and then they just drive off into the sunset without you.
12:29If you love something, set it free.
12:36APPLAUSE
12:40In many ways, more tragic.
12:42Because your friend chose to leave you.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:47Yes, I drew on some powerful real experience.
12:51LAUGHTER
12:51It speaks to a certain level of social status, though, doesn't it,
12:55when your imaginary friend has a car?
12:57LAUGHTER
13:00Time to score them.
13:01Who's in last place, Greg?
13:02I'm going to give Jenny two points.
13:04Oh, thank you.
13:04Because I did enjoy the act of beheading.
13:08Then I'm going to go up to Kyle.
13:09It was a poignant set-up.
13:11I didn't...
13:12I wasn't as moved at the end.
13:14And I can't...
13:15At the back of my head, I think he might have lived.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:18OK, three points to Kyle.
13:20May and Ivo, I would probably give four points to,
13:23because when Frankie shouted Jesus Christ...
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27I actually out loud went,
13:28Oh, my God!
13:29LAUGHTER
13:29And therefore, he must take the five points.
13:32There we go. Well done, Frankie Boyle.
13:37Let's see a scoreboard, then.
13:39All right.
13:39Well, he's not won an episode yet,
13:42but currently a maximum score of ten.
13:44It's Frankie Boyle in the lead.
13:45APPLAUSE
13:45APPLAUSE
13:50What's next, Alex?
13:52It's time for breakfast!
13:54Mmm!
14:04MUSIC PLAYS
14:08Hello.
14:10Oh, one of my favourites.
14:12Eggs.
14:14Good morning.
14:15Hi.
14:17Hi.
14:18I said something funny about an egg.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:21May I?
14:22You may.
14:26Efficiently shell an egg.
14:28You may not touch any part of any egg.
14:30With your hands.
14:32I thought it was going to be pretty simple for a while.
14:34Yeah.
14:35And you may only break the shell of one of the eggs.
14:40What does that mean?
14:41Why have I got all these eggs if I'm only doing one egg?
14:44That's a great question.
14:46LAUGHTER
14:47Fewest pieces of eggless shell wins.
14:50Why is this so confusing?
14:52Fewest pieces of eggless shell.
14:54I'm going to go into Phil Crisis here.
14:57I just don't understand what's been asked of me.
14:58Right.
14:59I'm not thick.
15:01OK.
15:01OK.
15:02I'll write that down.
15:03So, do you understand the task?
15:05Not really, Alex, no.
15:07So, you've got to get a shell of an egg?
15:09That's about right.
15:10You have a maximum of ten minutes.
15:12Your time starts now.
15:15APPLAUSE
15:18There seemed to be some collective confusion over this task there.
15:22Yes, all five of them.
15:23Were you surprised that they didn't understand the task?
15:25Completely.
15:25Yeah.
15:25Yeah.
15:26They couldn't use their hands.
15:28They had to peel the egg in as fewer pieces as possible.
15:30We gave them a choice of eggs because that might be important,
15:32it might not.
15:33Right that, then!
15:36APPLAUSE
15:40Here we go.
15:42Some of these eggs aren't going to break, are they?
15:44Some of them are not real eggs.
15:46OK.
15:50Just sort of test the weight.
15:52That's quite a sensible thing to do, isn't it?
15:54They all sound real to me.
15:56How were they?
15:57All roughly the same weight.
15:59That's all right.
16:00Fused pieces of eggless shell.
16:03Eggless shell.
16:04You've taken a shoe off.
16:06Yeah.
16:07Well, what about if I had a tea towel and an egg in it,
16:12and I wouldn't be touching it with my hands,
16:14I'd be touching it with the...
16:23Right, OK.
16:25Were you aiming for the middle of the egg?
16:27Yes, I was.
16:28Can I use a practice egg here?
16:30Well, all I can say, Pibo,
16:32is that all the information is on the task.
16:35So, if I get that egg out...
16:38Ah.
16:39Right.
16:42Eggless shell.
16:42Yep.
16:43How am I doing for time?
16:44Mmm, 3 minutes 44 left.
16:46Seriously?
16:46Mm-hmm.
16:47Let's get the rest of this out.
16:54It's just going to be three pieces.
16:55Are you sure?
16:56Yeah.
16:57Mmm.
17:03We're definitely keen that you shell an egg.
17:04Yeah, you...
17:09That's quite a crunchy bit of egg you're eating.
17:10I'll stop it, shut up.
17:16Doesn't feel good, does it?
17:17Putting it in my mouth.
17:19Or just a knife.
17:22It's a tiny sliver shell.
17:29It's turning into so many bits of small shell.
17:31I can hear them.
17:33That's a nice big bit.
17:37Now what are you doing?
17:37Nothing.
17:38Just finishing off my egg.
17:42Another crunchy bit.
17:49Thanks, Jenny.
17:50Right.
17:51I'm a bit egged out now.
17:55APPLAUSE
17:58Well, first things first, Jenny.
17:59Why did you take your shoe off?
18:01I just wondered whether I could do something with a shoelace.
18:05I don't know why.
18:07I mean, normally I see you as, you know, quite a person of action.
18:11You normally think, right, I'll have a go at this,
18:13but you just seem lost for a long time.
18:16I think the only good thing I did in that ten minutes
18:18was keep both of my shoes on.
18:21Why did you try to work out the weight of the eggs?
18:23What did you think was going on with the eggs?
18:25Well, I don't think even the successful shellers amongst us
18:30would have provided any answer as to why there were five eggs.
18:34Oh, one of them has.
18:35Well, several.
18:38Me and Jenny.
18:41Over in Thicco Corner.
18:43Jenny and I.
18:45LAUGHTER
18:50Thicco Corner.
18:52Oh, God, I know.
18:53I can't believe I'm being told off by Jenny for ruining our friendship
18:57and told off by Alex for using bad grammar at the same time.
19:01It's really gone badly, hasn't it?
19:03Well, look, I had the slightly sad job of having to count the pieces afterwards.
19:07Ivo, 13 pieces of eggshell.
19:09Jenny, 20 pieces.
19:10And that's not including the pieces you ate.
19:12Yeah.
19:13Which were many.
19:14All right, then, it's time for Kael and Frankie.
19:17I've got to somehow select the hardest egg.
19:21You're looking for a hard egg?
19:22I'm looking for the hardest possible egg.
19:33What about that?
19:40I think this one is up for it.
19:43I had an idea.
19:45Maybe the hard-boiled egg will sink furthest to the bottom.
19:50What's your method, Kael?
19:52Uh, pick it up and drop it.
19:54That one had a better slow trajectory.
20:00What do people normally use?
20:02To do this?
20:02Yeah.
20:03Spoon.
20:04OK.
20:07Or this.
20:08And this.
20:10Ah.
20:13What have you found?
20:14I don't know what that is.
20:18Ooh.
20:19That, to me, seemed quite hard.
20:22Go on, get in.
20:28Right.
20:32I don't really understand how that's covered.
20:34So that's the egg you've chosen, is it?
20:35Yeah.
20:36This is the moment.
20:44I think it's going to be like those.
20:46This is very sharp.
20:49There we go.
20:50All right.
20:52Awww.
20:53A little mess.
20:56I mean, I don't think I've seen anyone peel an egg this badly.
21:01I think I'm smashing this.
21:03Is that a pun?
21:04No.
21:08Oh, that's better.
21:11It kind of came together at the end there.
21:14Finished?
21:15Yeah.
21:16Tell us about that.
21:20Bye-bye.
21:28Did your drop an egg in the water system help much?
21:31No.
21:32I think I hadn't entirely understood the task and also I stopped caring.
21:39That's very much true.
21:41And, um...
21:42Welcome to Thick O' Corner.
21:44You are welcome.
21:48Kyle accidentally found the solution, which is you're looking for a raw egg, because then you can get the egg
21:51out in one, so you could make a little hole and blow the egg out in one.
21:54I'm not going to be blowing the egg out.
21:56But you nearly did blow the egg out.
21:57You did a good job using some drawing implements.
22:00I did have to count all the little bits.
22:01There were six little bits, but that's a lot fewer than Frankie, who had 83.
22:06APPLAUSE
22:10Right, and that is the end of part two.
22:12All good things must come to an end, my auntie always says.
22:15She remains to this day one of the most boring human beings I've had the misfortune to spend time with.
22:20See you in a bit.
22:28APPLAUSE
22:30Hello, we're back.
22:31It's the third part of tonight's show, and once again we find ourselves in the company of eggs.
22:35Hi.
22:36Is there something funny about an egg?
22:38Yes.
22:39The current task involves efficient shelling.
22:43They can't use their hands.
22:44Only one egg can be touched.
22:47And fewest pieces of egg shell wins.
22:50Here's May's attempt.
22:52OK.
22:53I'm just going to take my shoes and socks off.
22:55Yes.
22:55Yeah, me too.
22:57OK.
22:58Are you allowed to put them on the floor for me?
23:00Yeah, OK.
23:05It looks like I'm wanking off an egg with my foot.
23:08That's a bit.
23:09Oh, God, it really does.
23:10No, fuck this.
23:11OK.
23:12OK.
23:12And now I'm going to put my mouth on them.
23:18Hmm.
23:20Mm-hm.
23:23So would you prefer to work with a boiled egg or an unboiled egg?
23:27Mm.
23:29I'm going to get a pin, and then I'm going to hope it's a raw egg, and I'm going to
23:34make a pin-sized hole.
23:37Right?
23:39I'm not sure this is the way.
23:45Well, that's the way.
23:48You've pretty much finished the task.
23:51OK, I'm going to get the rest of the egg out.
23:55I mean, I don't know why I had my feet and my mouth involved, and I could have used any
24:00utensil.
24:03Fewest pieces of eggless shell.
24:05If I'm being completely honest, there's three.
24:08Yes, you should be.
24:10I'm done.
24:11Yes.
24:12Three.
24:12Three.
24:19What does it say?
24:21Frankie, Frankie, Jenny, Frankie, Frankie.
24:25What does that mean?
24:27Well, I presume Jenny's boiled.
24:30No, Jenny was the raw one.
24:32Yeah, because Frankie.
24:34Frankie and Benny.
24:36No, what?
24:39Frankie boil.
24:41Yeah, that's infuriating.
24:50What was the plan when your shoes and socks came off?
24:52Oh, I was going to use my feet to expertly shell it.
24:56I don't know.
24:58You were going to peel the egg with your toes?
24:59I feel nauseous from watching that.
25:01Like, that was...
25:02We've all been quite traumatised.
25:04Yeah.
25:04I don't know if you can tell, like...
25:06But the pin idea was amazing.
25:08Oh, the pin idea was amazing.
25:09Yeah, yeah.
25:10But then, a happy accident, right?
25:11It was a very happy accident.
25:12Like Kyle, really.
25:14And it worked.
25:15Just the three pieces.
25:16They've definitely won.
25:17Should we just score it and move on?
25:18Let's just agree, it's been the worst...
25:22...task and the worst response to the task in 15 series.
25:26And let's move on.
25:27By some distance.
25:28By some distance.
25:31APPLAUSE
25:35And yet, Frankie gets a point.
25:37Jenny, two.
25:37I vote three.
25:38Kyle, four.
25:38But May Martin, five points.
25:40APPLAUSE
25:44Do I dare ask for another?
25:46Thankfully, we do have another one.
25:48And I've been busy doing a spot of landscaping.
25:50MUSIC PLAYS
26:03Oh!
26:07Ha!
26:10This looks great.
26:12Yeah, it's an improvement.
26:13Yeah.
26:14Bowling ball?
26:15Uh-huh.
26:16Right.
26:17Oh, do the...
26:17Open the task.
26:19Yep, that's the first task.
26:21Bash the big bell with a bowling ball.
26:24Fastest gets five points.
26:26Slowest gets four points.
26:28Nobody else gets any points.
26:31Interesting.
26:32You must stay off the grass unless you're wearing gold shoes.
26:37If anything other than the bowling ball or gold shoes touches the grass,
26:40you are disqualified.
26:42You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
26:44The time starts...
26:46now.
26:51Pretty straightforward.
26:52I'm looking forward to just getting on with it.
26:53Crack on.
26:54All right.
26:54First up to give it a bash are Jenny and May.
26:57Oh, no.
26:58I'm not going to be able to do that.
27:00Well, it might hit.
27:03No, now you can't reach it.
27:04No.
27:05I've got to find some golden shoes.
27:07Gold shoes.
27:08Well...
27:09I'm just going to have a look for some gold shoes quickly.
27:11OK.
27:15I found one.
27:16Oh, well done.
27:17Yeah.
27:18That didn't take long.
27:19That pineapple was calling to me.
27:28There's a golden shoe!
27:30Is there another one?
27:32They normally come in pairs.
27:33They do, normally.
27:36There's no gold shoe in here, is there?
27:38But where's the other golden shoe?
27:40Found the golden spray.
27:42They lent me a kicking shoe.
27:44I'm going to gold spray it.
27:46Yeah.
27:50No!
27:51No!
27:52No!
27:53Why would they do that?
27:57I only have one.
27:59So what's the plan?
28:01Go on one foot.
28:02Can you do that?
28:03Yeah.
28:06I think I can.
28:10They're so golden.
28:11That's so golden.
28:13That's more like it.
28:14Golden shoes.
28:19OK.
28:23How does it feel?
28:25Scary.
28:29Yep.
28:31I'm allowed on the grass in my golden shoes.
28:35Kicking the ball with my golden shoes.
28:39Oh, bloody hell.
28:44Oh, stop the clock.
28:45Come on!
28:46Come on!
28:47Yeah!
28:48Oh, stop the clock.
28:58I think if you ever decide you want to do pantomime, that would serve as a very good audition tape.
29:02She was literally cackling like a lunatic.
29:06I'm not very good with children en masse.
29:11Why didn't you pick up the ball at any point?
29:17Why would you say that now?
29:22You both did really well.
29:25Jenny bashed the bell in 3 minutes 40.
29:273 minutes 40?
29:28If you got the right paint first time round, you would have beaten May, who got 2 minutes 57.
29:32You both did extremely well.
29:34Good start.
29:35Well done.
29:36Good start.
29:37Good.
29:38Two big bell-bangers now.
29:41It's Kael and Frankie.
29:48LAUGHTER
29:49LAUGHTER
30:03I should try to hit it before I do this, shouldn't I?
30:10May I have your shoes?
30:13You want my shoes?
30:14Yeah.
30:21Alex will give you his shoes if you do one of the following.
30:24Deposit Ā£100 in this bank account, give him a perfect dippy boiled egg with buttered soldiers and a glass of
30:31milk.
30:31Physically remove them.
30:34LAUGHTER
30:36How's it going Frankie?
30:37Well, I took an assessment of my bowling ability.
30:41I thought, time to make me some gold shoes.
30:47LAUGHTER
30:57You know, it's not terrible.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:08LAUGHTER
31:23Come on!
31:28BUZZER
31:30BUZZER
31:32BUZZER
31:33BUZZER
31:34BUZZER
31:38BUZZER
31:38Did you bash the bell? Yeah!
31:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:45What was your plan when you were rolling up the green?
31:49You were sort of pawing at Alex like a cartoon cat.
31:53I thought I could wrestle him to the ground and take his shoes.
31:57LAUGHTER
31:58I didn't expect to see Frankie Boyle
32:00creeping across a green with two swing ball bats.
32:04Swing ball bats or golden snowshoes?
32:10Yeah. Yellow.
32:11We all know it's not gold. It is yellow.
32:14Well, what is gold?
32:16Gold is a deep, lustrous yellow or yellow-brown colour.
32:20That was neither.
32:20Only the fastest and the slowest gets points here.
32:24And it's interesting.
32:25May, of course, 2 minutes 57.
32:27Jenny, 3 minutes 40.
32:29That's not relevant now, Jenny, because...
32:31Frankie, 6 minutes 50 is the slowest.
32:34Kyle, 3 minutes 45.
32:35So, also not relevant.
32:36Other than Frankie one end, May the other,
32:38if we allow the gorgeous golden shoes on Frankie's feet.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:42We'll carry on the gold-yellow debate after the break.
32:45Right. Nearly there. Only one part to go.
32:47A task to be finished.
32:48A studio task.
32:49And then a winner.
32:50A winner of Nanny's Dental Pod.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:53Lance Dustmaster!
32:56APPLAUSE
33:05Hello!
33:06Welcome back to the last part of tonight's show.
33:08Forgive me if I'm wrong, Alex, but isn't there still a big bell to be bashed with a bowling ball?
33:13Ooh, bang on, big boy.
33:15But they can't walk on the grass unless they're wearing golden shoes.
33:20We've isolated one player.
33:22Or should I say I-vo-lated?
33:24It's Mr Graham again. Here we go.
33:29What if it doesn't come back?
33:31You can't live your life like that.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:47I've got to leave the complex, really.
33:49No, I've got to get the gold shoes.
33:51Ah, OK.
33:52Can I wear those gold shoes?
33:54Thank you very much.
33:55For sure.
33:56Alex will give you his shoes if you do one of the following.
33:58Deposit Ā£100 in his bank account,
34:01give him a perfect dippy boiled egg with buttered soldiers and a glass of milk,
34:05physically remove them.
34:16Yes, the egg isn't totally submerged.
34:22He's not got long.
34:24Seven minutes.
34:26Oh, this is disgusting.
34:28What I'm doing is disgusting.
34:32Good for an omelette.
34:34It's cost us another four minutes.
34:37The stench of failure hangs over this task.
34:41Failure and egg.
34:43Two minutes left.
34:45Another big moment now.
34:47Yes.
34:48Beautiful.
34:50Hello.
34:51Hello, Alex.
34:53Ooh.
34:55Lovely.
34:5930 seconds.
35:00I've lured you with a bad egg.
35:07I've lured you with a bad egg.
35:08APPLAUSE
35:12APPLAUSE
35:16APPLAUSE
35:16That was my milk.
35:18It's my milk now.
35:21LAUGHTER
35:23APPLAUSE
35:26What's always your plan just to attack him when he came near?
35:30I didn't really have a plan.
35:31I did want to commit some sort of physical assault,
35:33but I was also seduced by the romance of trying to cook the perfect dippy egg.
35:37It did take him about 17 minutes to boil an egg, but that's in your favour,
35:40cos if you're the last person, you get four points.
35:43Slowest. Yeah.
35:43Yeah.
35:44And he did complete the task with 16 seconds to go.
35:47Ooh.
35:48Really neat stuff, actually.
35:52Well, then.
35:53Well, then.
35:53Well, then.
35:54So, it looks like May gets the five and Ivo gets the four.
35:58Right.
35:59But it is worth doing one last check.
36:01Remember, if anything touches the grass, other than golden shoes,
36:05you're disqualified.
36:08Your time starts now.
36:15Can I have a look in the bath?
36:16Well, you're not allowed to stand on the grass.
36:22Don't step on the...
36:25Ah!
36:26What's happened?
36:28Nothing.
36:30Don't go on the grass!
36:31What?
36:36So close!
36:37So close!
36:38So close!
36:38So close!
36:44Ivo, you also put the podium on the grass.
36:47Please don't take my four points with three other people
36:49getting zero away from me.
36:52The only things that went on the grass that were golden
36:55were the shoe over here and the shoes over here.
37:01I'm really throwing myself fully behind yellow isn't gold now.
37:04I mean, I would say...
37:07What I would say is that if we just qualify Frankie,
37:10then May is both the fastest and the slowest and we'll get nine points.
37:13Ooh!
37:17Frankie, I loved your gold shoes.
37:20So everyone's perfectly happy with the golden bats now?
37:24Yeah, I love them.
37:25Love them.
37:25I'm not.
37:28Sorry, May.
37:28I'm going to allow it.
37:29OK.
37:30Congratulations.
37:30Frankie, you get four points.
37:32May, Martin, another five points.
37:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:38Let's take a look at the scores.
37:39May's on 16 and Frankie's on 15.
37:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:02Walk around the chairs, listening to Greg's story.
38:06Then sit on a chair when you hear a word containing two letter Ls.
38:11If you stop walking or touch a chair incorrectly,
38:15you are disqualified.
38:17If you fail to sit on a chair when you hear a word containing
38:20two letter Ls, you are disqualified.
38:23Best listener wins.
38:25So it's basically going to be like musical chairs,
38:27but instead of music, it's going to be Greg reading a story to you.
38:30There are four stories and each story will have a different rule.
38:33So it's two Ls in the first story.
38:36Oh, man.
38:38Please read the first story and walk when he talks.
38:41The sun was setting.
38:44The light was magical.
38:46And the water lapped to the shore of the lake.
38:50Right, said Greg.
38:52Get your clothes off, you're going in.
38:55I don't want to, said the scrawny, sausage-shaped man.
39:00I need you to retrieve the stone I just threw in,
39:04whispered Greg noisily.
39:06It's one of my favourite stones, I think.
39:10And...
39:13So...
39:15..little Alex Horne.
39:27You did that very badly.
39:29Very, very badly.
39:31You missed.
39:32You missed.
39:33You missed.
39:33You missed.
39:36Kyle first struck a chair, so was pretty much disqualified,
39:39and then just walked over to me.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:41Greg, what's the rule for the next story?
39:43The next story, you should sit down when you hear a word
39:46with a U in it.
39:48Off we go.
39:48Story two.
39:49In the morning, I like to have a pot of coffee
39:54and a slice of cake.
39:57Little Alex Horne brings them in when I ring my little bell.
40:02I let him wear his yellow cape if he is a very lucky boy.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:16Frankie Boyle shoulder barging Jenny Eclair.
40:21Are you OK, Jenny?
40:23I can't believe that happened.
40:25Can we remove a chair?
40:26Yeah.
40:27Fuck yes.
40:27LAUGHTER
40:31This time, you should sit down when you hear a word
40:34that starts and ends with the same letter.
40:36These are the clothing rules.
40:39The taskmaster expects those around him to adhere to at all times.
40:45One.
40:45The shirt should be tucked in.
40:47Really tucked in.
40:48Right in.
40:50Two.
40:53I mean, Ivo was following, but there was no words there
40:57that started and ended with the same letter.
40:59We've lost Frankie Boyle.
41:00Frankie, we've lost him.
41:03As soon as the Boyle bottom went, mine was swiftly following.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09This is the final, Greg.
41:11Right, this time you should sit down when you hear a six-letter word.
41:14Are you ready?
41:15Yes.
41:16OK.
41:16I don't remember much about that fateful night.
41:19It was cold.
41:21The moon was full.
41:22I know that.
41:23Not an idiot.
41:24And I can't be held responsible for the terrible accident
41:28that happened to Little Alex Hall.
41:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:34We have a winner.
41:35Little's got six letters.
41:40We'll come down here.
41:42We'll hear that's affected the final scores.
41:43Oh, no, no, no.
41:46APPLAUSE
41:51Very good.
41:52Well, that was exciting, I thought.
41:55Yes, Kyle was the worst listener,
41:57but the best was May Martin with five points,
41:59and that does mean this episode has been won by May Martin!
42:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:04Again, 21 points.
42:08There we go.
42:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:12May Martin wins.
42:14Please go and back your bathroom booty!
42:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:21What have we learnt today?
42:22If you ever find yourself lying in bed alone
42:25and you get a pleasant feeling that you maybe haven't felt for a long time,
42:28relax.
42:29It's good news.
42:31Salvatore lived, and you're about to get your body rocked.
42:36Please clap once again for the winner of tonight's show.
42:39It's May Martin!
42:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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