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Taskmaster - S15E03 - I Love to Squander Promise [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
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00:02Brace! Brace!
00:03I'm bracing!
00:12No, no, no, no, no!
00:18No!
00:23Ah!
00:25What?
00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Oh, and welcome! I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
00:39In my quest to ensure the tasks we set are righteous challenges,
00:43I have attempted to consult with many wise people of influence.
00:47Ursula von der Leyen's people said she was too busy to meet.
00:50I discovered, to my great dismay,
00:52that Nelson Mandela was no longer with us
00:54and the Dalai Lama was especially insistent
00:57he would not grant me an audience.
00:58It was left to 90s film star Steven Seagal
01:02to give me the advice
01:03that became the foundation for the whole series.
01:06In a 90-minute Zoom call, he only said two words.
01:09Break them.
01:12Let's meet those about to be broken.
01:14They are Frankie Boyle!
01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:17Ivo Graham!
01:19Jamie Eclair!
01:21Kyle Smith-Brino!
01:23And Mae Martin!
01:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:27And next to me, a man who told me
01:29he doesn't know much about politics,
01:30but he thinks that poor people should stop moaning
01:33and pull their flipping fingers out.
01:35LAUGHTER
01:35It's...
01:36Little Alex Hall!
01:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:40APPLAUSE
01:42Hello, everyone.
01:44So, here we are.
01:45What are we chatting about?
01:46Well, I thought I might just answer a couple of the viewers' emails,
01:48if that's all right?
01:49Yep.
01:49They keep flooding in these questions.
01:51Thanks for your message, Maxine.
01:52Yes, the iPad is real.
01:54It controls the screen
01:55and also the heating in Greg's throne.
01:58Patricia, you win this week's cash prize, £40,
02:01because you were the only one
02:02who correctly located my third nipple.
02:04Well, you can see it if you want.
02:05There.
02:06And that's the end of my section.
02:08Yes!
02:10APPLAUSE
02:14Let's crack on the prize task.
02:16OK.
02:17Yes, please.
02:17On we go.
02:18I can't bloody wait.
02:19And for show three,
02:20they've each brought in what they think is the most heroic thing.
02:25OK.
02:26Greg's going to judge them.
02:27And the most heroic thing should get five points,
02:29as long as he doesn't go all wacky with his scoring.
02:32Nine points.
02:33No, one point.
02:34I don't know.
02:34Everyone can have 17 points.
02:35He's a wonderful boss.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:37On the episode,
02:39we'll, of course, take home all five heroic things.
02:41Yowzers!
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44Ivo.
02:44How are you?
02:45I'm extremely well.
02:46Great.
02:46I'm excited about this prize, if I may.
02:48I've handcrafted a model of your face out of hero's chocolates.
02:52LAUGHTER
02:53Looks like someone's got himself five sweet points.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:57Let's have a look, though.
02:58I would have a look.
02:59Here it is.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:02LAUGHTER
03:06It's heroic.
03:11It's a pretty strong opener to have my face made out of chocolates.
03:14Heroic.
03:14Heroic.
03:15And you're my hero.
03:16Yeah.
03:17Oh, no.
03:18A bit desperate, that, but you've got to get everything you can
03:22before he starts talking to someone else.
03:25Hello, Jenny.
03:26What have you brought in?
03:27OK, the biggest hero in my life was my father, who's now dead,
03:31so obviously I'll get some points for that.
03:33LAUGHTER
03:34And I've got some of his DNA.
03:36I brought his DNA in.
03:37Here it is.
03:38Jenny Eclair's father's DNA.
03:40It's his hair.
03:41Oh, God.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43How the hell can I score a chocolate face above this?
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48It's an incredible prize task.
03:51Incredible.
03:52In the truest sense of the word.
03:54Kael.
03:55OK, so...
03:57LAUGHTER
03:57Actually, before that, if you do get a point for Dead Dad,
04:01count me in.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:06Is your Dead Dad anything to do with this heroic task?
04:10It can be, if it helps.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14Do you want me to press the button?
04:15Yeah, yeah.
04:15Right, Kael's brought in this.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:19It's a cape made out of a sheep,
04:21made out of Julio Iglesias' son's face,
04:25and that's Enrique.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:30Unusual way of introducing Enrique and Iglesias.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:33Talk about why this is heroic.
04:36Um, cos he can be your hero baby.
04:39Oh, it's quite a literal thing because you did the song.
04:42APPLAUSE
04:46Sometimes the simple ideas come through and win.
04:49Sometimes.
04:49Sometimes.
04:51Not always.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:53Who's next funky? You all right?
04:55I have brought in this superhero fan art.
04:59OK.
05:00Deep breath, ready?
05:03It's Wolverine and Captain America.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08LAUGHTER
05:10I'm not being heroic.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:14I'm not being heroic.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:18LAUGHTER
05:19Why are...
05:21Why is this heroic?
05:22I know that they're literally heroes.
05:24This is a huge step forward.
05:26Yeah, that's great.
05:26We had a gay Superman from DC last year,
05:30which I love the idea of.
05:32It's just...
05:33It's just that things have to be approached carefully
05:35with the gay superhero.
05:36Yeah.
05:36Cos if you've got a blowjob off Superman,
05:37he might suck you inside out.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40I think Frankie wants to be part of this show.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45I mean, there is a fair amount of fan fiction in this show
05:48anyway about you and I, Craig.
05:49Yeah, there is.
05:50Do you know that?
05:50There's just lots of stories imagining Alex and I
05:54as lovers online.
05:55Some of the titles are
05:56I Wanna Ruin Our Friendship.
05:58LAUGHTER
06:01Filthy little ferret.
06:02Tenderness.
06:03Masterness of the...
06:04Master of the...
06:05Hang on, hang on.
06:05Let me just enjoy filthy little ferret.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:12Hello, mate.
06:12Let's go.
06:13A hero is somebody that looks out for the little guy.
06:17You know what I mean?
06:18Yeah, I do.
06:18So, with that in mind, I've created and designed
06:22the coward's glasses.
06:24Phew.
06:25This one's safe.
06:26These are the coward's glasses.
06:29Oh, thank God.
06:30OK, so, wait.
06:30So, let's say Ivo is on a date with a brave woman.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:35Just your go-to coward.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:38Yeah.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41So...
06:42Or let's say he's, like, he's trying to impress his dad, Frankie,
06:45by being tough and they're, like, watching a football game
06:47and he's scared someone's going to get injured
06:49and you want to close your eyes, you flip down the glasses.
06:52Like this.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:55Nobody can tell that you're a coward.
06:58Everyone can tell.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:00All right, you have to judge now, Greg.
07:02I'll go from the top to the bottom.
07:04I think you should.
07:05Right.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09LAUGHTER
07:11Obviously, Jenny's father, RIP, gets five points.
07:14Five points to Jenny and Claire!
07:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:20Now, then.
07:22Let's put the hero sculpture above the, um, above Wolverine.
07:26Oh, all right.
07:27So, it's four points to Ivo, three to Frankie.
07:28Yeah, that's correct.
07:29APPLAUSE
07:30Yeah.
07:33So, it's just between the glasses...
07:37..and that shit cape.
07:39Right.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:41I don't think mine's that shit.
07:42I don't think mine's that shit.
07:44I don't think mine's that shit.
07:44And I designed them myself.
07:45You didn't, um, you didn't make that cape.
07:47I think you did make those glasses.
07:49I did.
07:50Two points to May, one point to Claire.
07:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:56Well done, Greg.
07:58Let's have a task.
08:00You did really well, Greg.
08:01Good boy.
08:02And if you maintain a herb garden, this one's for you,
08:05because it involves some careful and dedicated timekeeping.
08:09Oh, get fun.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:27Hi.
08:28Hello, mate.
08:29Hello.
08:30Have fun in my house.
08:32Hi, Al.
08:33All right.
08:34You may enter my fun palace.
08:36Sick.
08:38Oh, it's damp in here, isn't it?
08:41Eh?
08:42Eh?
08:42Damp.
08:45Do you like it?
08:46It's very nice.
08:51Exit the caravan exactly 20 minutes after you entered the caravan.
08:56Also, to complete the task, you must write down and say 40 words.
09:01Each word must either be the same length or shorter than the previous word.
09:10Closest to exactly 20 minutes wins.
09:15When do we go?
09:16When do we start?
09:16Well, it started when you entered the damp caravan.
09:18Oh, what? It started already?
09:19Is this a minute?
09:20Are these minutes?
09:21Oh, I don't know.
09:22No.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24The problem is, while you're working out your method,
09:30time is passing inexactly.
09:33It's doing its best.
09:36APPLAUSE
09:43Well, I think it's pretty straightforward.
09:45Yes, it is.
09:45So I'm sort of quite keen to crack on.
09:47Shall we?
09:47Yes.
09:48And up first, it's the two people for whom time moves quickest,
09:52because they are older than the others.
09:55LAUGHTER
09:56It's Jenny and Frankie, of course.
09:58Here we go.
10:00Well, having been a stand-up comedian for a lot of years,
10:04where we worked in 20-minute sets,
10:06maybe I know what 20 minutes is.
10:08So I'm going to trust my internal clock for that.
10:12And I'm going to find a pen.
10:14Right, I'm going to concentrate on the words,
10:16so 40 words.
10:17You're concentrating on that rather than the time?
10:19Yeah.
10:20Yeah.
10:21I'm trying to think of a 20-minute stand-up set.
10:23Oh, that's a good idea.
10:25Progression.
10:26I'm going for at the top.
10:28So that's...
10:2911.
10:30What's your first word there, Jenny?
10:32Imagination.
10:33Lovely.
10:36Progressive was also 11.
10:38I've just thought of something.
10:40Well, it doesn't say it can't be the same word.
10:43It could be the same word done 40 times.
10:47How long have you been in the caravan?
10:49I reckon five minutes.
10:53Which word are you going to write down 40 times?
10:55Well, I like imagination.
10:57It's slightly ironic writing imagination down 40 times.
10:59Yeah, I know.
11:03How many words have we done?
11:06Nine.
11:06Nine.
11:07OK.
11:07I suppose the real one is this is going to take a lot longer than 20 minutes.
11:12How much time have I got left?
11:14How much time do you think you've got left?
11:15About 12 minutes.
11:19Can I check how long you've been in the caravan for?
11:21I reckon I've been here about nine minutes.
11:24The crowd is just starting to turn ugly.
11:27That'll be nine minutes then.
11:28Yeah.
11:29How much time have I got left?
11:31How much time have you got left?
11:31You asked me again?
11:32Yeah.
11:33Right, no, I still can't tell you.
11:34I thought I might catch you off guard.
11:36Always on guard.
11:37This isn't working, is it?
11:39Well, it's indoors.
11:41Does that make any difference?
11:43I'll do the 40 words now.
11:46Imagination, imagination, imagination.
11:49Imagination, imagination, imagination.
11:51Jolly, lolly, sorry, silly, willy.
11:54I thought about not going from silly to willy.
11:56I tried to stop myself but I circled back.
11:59Imagination, imagination.
12:00Lamp, rams, ram, no.
12:04Imagination, imagination, broken.
12:09Powerful.
12:11Right, that's either 20-ish or I've panicked at 17.
12:17I reckon I've done 20 minutes.
12:19OK.
12:19I think that that's a 20-minute set at the Bearcat Club night.
12:25I think I might have done half an hour.
12:27I've always outstayed my welcome.
12:29I disagree.
12:30I'm very sorry.
12:30Bye-bye.
12:31Bye-bye.
12:36What a big thing in the world of stand-up, getting the 20 minutes right.
12:39Neither of them used any of the timekeeping devices that we...
12:43I didn't even notice there were any there.
12:44No, you didn't, no.
12:45You didn't need them.
12:46It's sort of terrifying how accurate you are.
12:48He walked out on 23 minutes 21.
12:52Wow.
12:53It's not bad.
12:53And what do I call?
12:57What about Janet and Clare at the Bearcat, circa 1993?
13:01Yes, well, she feared the worst.
13:02She feared she'd done half an hour.
13:04In fact, it was 10 minutes 57.
13:06No!
13:10Ten minutes?
13:11Is that all I did?
13:12Just over.
13:12I got bored of myself, didn't I?
13:15Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:17Oh.
13:20Oh.
13:20Ha-ley.
13:20Bye!
13:31Hello, everybody!
13:33Welcome to the second part of the show, where the cast are trying to know obvious way to keep track
13:37of the passing time.
13:38They also need, it's time for May and Kyle.
13:45No idea how to use one of them.
13:48Ooh.
13:50That's interesting.
13:51That leads me to believe there may be a clock hidden somewhere.
13:59Oh.
14:00Oh.
14:02What have you got there?
14:04A little mirror.
14:05Maybe I could see something from here.
14:07Uh-huh.
14:09What are you looking at?
14:11Not much, do you?
14:13Can I step in the sink?
14:14Yeah, you can step in the sink.
14:17Oh, yeah.
14:18So, right now it's 1.31.
14:21Right.
14:21So, I want it, when that long hand is about here.
14:26Is that how clocks work?
14:27Same length.
14:28Or shorter.
14:30What, in letters or syllables?
14:32That's up to you, I suppose.
14:34You know what I could do?
14:35Look in a book.
14:36I could look in a...
14:37If there's a book around.
14:38Yeah, there are books around.
14:39They're full of words.
14:41Licentiousness.
14:42Licentiousness.
14:45How many letters has the word balloon got?
14:48Is this a joke?
14:51Misanthropic.
14:52Prefitter rolls?
14:541920.
14:55I have to pick it up, but I'm going to check on the point.
14:57We're going up, are we?
14:57Yeah.
15:00Uh-oh.
15:02It's not moving.
15:04The clock's not moving.
15:06The clock's not moving?
15:07No.
15:07Right.
15:09Really annoying that cameraman just took his watch off.
15:12That's going to cause some problems.
15:14Did you spot a cameraman's watch?
15:15Yeah.
15:16It's gone now.
15:19Don't come now.
15:21You're with it.
15:24Great.
15:26What happens now?
15:27I think I've been in here about 20 minutes.
15:29I really do think so.
15:31I've got to write some more words down fast,
15:33and then I'll get out of here, I think.
15:36Outrageous, I'm writing.
15:37Quite all right.
15:38Humiliate.
15:4240 words.
15:43Vile.
15:45Oh, this is taking too long.
15:46Dress.
15:47Cross.
15:47Point.
15:48Course.
15:48Badge.
15:50Stop the clock, please.
15:51Get me out of here.
15:58Thank you, Kyle.
16:03APPLAUSE
16:09How does it make you feel that Alex would mount a clock that doesn't work on the roof of the
16:13caravan?
16:14Now, I need to point out here the clock was working, but it rained during May's attempt and then stopped
16:19working.
16:19Oh.
16:20I thought it was one of your sneaky things that makes you go all fizzy under your duvet.
16:27I was outraged.
16:29Yeah.
16:29Shall I tell you how long they spent in the caravan?
16:32Tell me how long they spent in the caravan.
16:34OK.
16:34Well, remember that Frankie was just over 23 minutes.
16:38Yeah.
16:39Kael, 24 minutes, 20.
16:40Ah, good.
16:41May left the caravan in 19 minutes and 48 seconds.
16:46Oh!
16:46APPLAUSE
16:52That is a tight set.
16:53Next, it's Ivo.
16:55So, let's say we've had 80 seconds.
17:03Probably had two minutes now.
17:06Broken the skull.
17:09What are you doing?
17:11I'm looking for something that measures time in the caravan.
17:14Oh, OK.
17:15I reckon I've had three minutes now.
17:18Oh, I can just work out what unit of time one of these is.
17:22Of course.
17:23One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, eight Mississippi.
17:2940 Mississippi, 21 Mississippi, five Mississippi, 48 Mississippi.
17:34It looks like it's a minute.
17:35Right.
17:36So, that's a minute.
17:40I couldn't check it again.
17:43Let's see if it's a set of multi-coloured one-minute egg timers.
17:50One Mississippi, two Mississippi, 30 Mississippi, 40 Mississippi,
17:5635 Mississippi, 39 Mississippi, 40 Mississippi, 41 Mississippi, 42 Mississippi.
18:07That's only 45 seconds.
18:08These ones are still going.
18:10There are ways of working this out.
18:13Maybe that is a minute.
18:14One minute.
18:14I can't put you through the Mississippi again.
18:21I lost camp.
18:22I was doing a silent round of Mississippi.
18:30There's a clock on the roof.
18:34It's not making it easier.
18:40We're getting quite close to exiting the caravan.
18:44Excuse me.
18:46What's the time?
18:5025 past five.
18:54So, at 30 minutes into the task, it was 5.25.
18:58So, the task will finish at 5.32.
19:01Better let's get on with these words, though.
19:03Establishment.
19:05Establishing.
19:06That's a minute.
19:08Taps.
19:08Tops.
19:09Hits.
19:10That's another minute.
19:12Pest.
19:13Post.
19:15That's 40.
19:18Excuse me.
19:19What's the exact time, please?
19:225.30.
19:25We'll just have one more of those, I think.
19:28Nearly there.
19:30It's now 5.32.
19:31It's been 20 minutes.
19:38I think it went brilliantly.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:50Sometimes confidence is all it takes, isn't it?
19:54With the wisdom of hindsight, do you regret the Mississippi system?
19:57Yes.
19:59Obviously quite galling to watch four videos of the other contestants
20:02not using the egg timers at all.
20:05Knowing quite how emotionally dependent on them I became.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:10But then, are you very cleverly opposite for screaming at golfers?
20:13Screaming at golfers.
20:15He thinks it went brilliantly.
20:17He does?
20:18Yeah.
20:19You know what, I agree.
20:20What?
20:21It did go pretty brilliantly.
20:22May, of course, 1948.
20:24Frankie, 23-21.
20:26Ivo, 23-17.
20:28It's not bad.
20:29Oh.
20:31But you led him to believe he'd won.
20:34I did, but that's partly because there's a little bit of extra admin
20:38I looked at the word length again for some of the contestants.
20:41Yeah.
20:42I've got to show you this.
20:43Each word had to be the same length or shorter than the previous.
20:48I don't need this.
20:51Painfully, schoolmaster, principal.
20:53Confessions, disturbing, outrageous, humiliate, canonise, wealthy.
20:57Balloon.
20:58Crisps.
20:59Dress.
20:59Cross.
21:00Point.
21:00Course.
21:00Zero to May, zero to Kyle.
21:02Frankie gets four, but Ivo wins.
21:04Potato-tal.
21:06Potato-tal.
21:07Highest potato-tal wins.
21:10The conveyor belt will start moving in three minutes from now.
21:14OK.
21:15Fuck!
21:16Oh, this sounds brilliant.
21:17I'll be so bad at this.
21:21APPLAUSE
21:26Who of the five do you think would most likely wear the potato hat anyway?
21:32In free time?
21:33After three?
21:34One, two, three.
21:36Jenny, you're clear.
21:38It was one of the best moments of my life, this next task.
21:42I just thought it was great.
21:43I can't recommend it enough.
21:45Yeah.
21:45Set one up at home.
21:46God, what a laugh.
21:48Come on, then.
21:49Let's see these potato hutted goons.
21:51All right.
21:51First of the goons, it's Jenny, Frankie and Kyle.
21:55Now, then, I've got three minutes to sort of think about this.
21:59I see.
22:00I should memorise the order.
22:02Not potato, two potatoes, not...
22:04Oh.
22:05Not, not, not, not, not, not, not.
22:10Potato, potato.
22:11I'm going to open the door.
22:13Miss three.
22:15And then I go...
22:17Not, pot, pot, not, not, not, not.
22:20Would I be like a piece of paper and a pencil?
22:23If you'd like that.
22:24Have I got a pen or something?
22:26Not, pot, pot, not, not, not, not, pot.
22:29Potato, potato, not, not, not.
22:32Turning it on in 30 seconds.
22:36Okey-doke.
22:37This is terribly exciting.
22:39I want to miss the first one, so I'm leaning out.
22:41Once that goes, I'll spring into action.
22:44OK.
22:45I'm going to turn on the machine in five seconds, Kyle.
22:47Yep.
22:47Pot, pot.
22:50Good luck.
22:52And here we go.
22:54Oh!
22:55Here comes the one to miss.
22:57Where is he?
22:58He's helping me.
22:59First of all, it's not.
23:02Pot.
23:03Pot.
23:04Oh, I fucking...
23:05They're not going in the fucking hat.
23:08Oh, God.
23:11No.
23:12Oh.
23:13Oh, God!
23:14Oh!
23:15Oh!
23:20Oh!
23:24Oh!
23:30Oh!
23:32That is...
23:33Oh!
23:33That's not.
23:34And now these two are.
23:35Not pot.
23:36No pot.
23:37Where are we in your secret?
23:39I might wet myself.
23:41I don't know.
23:41I've got so much pot in peace.
23:43Pot.
23:45Oh.
23:45Oh.
23:45Another one.
23:46Oh, shit.
23:47Ah, gosh.
23:49What was it worth of that?
23:50Do you still remember the pattern, Kyle?
23:52Yeah, but, like...
23:53It's finished now.
23:55It might repeat.
23:56Repeat!
23:57There's a lot of stuff there.
23:59It doesn't keep going even after what I saw, I see.
24:03No, I didn't want that one!
24:04Oh, God! There! That's salt potato-y!
24:08I don't want to catch the last two.
24:10I'm just happy to have some stuff in the hat at this stage.
24:13How's the system?
24:14The system is that.
24:17Oh, that hurt.
24:19Oh, no, that was light. I don't want that.
24:21Shake it out, shake it out.
24:22And I'm like...
24:25And that was the last one.
24:28Finished.
24:29Thank you very much, Kale. Thank you.
24:31Would you mind giving me your potato hat back?
24:35Slightly disappointing today.
24:37Oh, man!
24:39I mean, you could pretty much eat that. That's gone well.
24:41Cheeky, that.
24:44Very cheeky.
24:54And I honestly don't know where to start, really.
24:56I mean, it was a collective disaster.
25:01Kale, how confident were you in the pot-not system?
25:04I was like, I've smashed this.
25:05Yeah?
25:06And I was confident that no-one else would have thought of that process.
25:09Well, and indeed they didn't.
25:11And before I sat down, I was like, I've won.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:16None of them banked on the pattern repeating.
25:18We didn't warn them of that, and that was a sneaky trick.
25:21It was sneaky.
25:21But it did repeat exactly, so if you stuck to your pot-pot-not-pot-pot system,
25:26you could have reclaimed glory.
25:28Yeah, now you tell me.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:30OK, well, Frankie, who just ended up loading his hat full of everything.
25:3521 potatoes and 23 animals.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:39A potato total of minus two.
25:43Oh, well done, Frankie.
25:46APPLAUSE
25:47Positive potato totals, the other two.
25:50Kale, 22 potatoes, 19 not-atoes.
25:53Jenny, 10 potatoes, 6 not-atoes.
25:55So, Jenny, 4, Kale, 3.
25:58Frankie, minus two at this stage.
26:00Oh, God, it's 10.
26:01Well played.
26:02Well played.
26:02It's so 10.
26:03APPLAUSE
26:06Serious stuff.
26:07Right, break time.
26:08You, get off that sofa, drop to the floor and give me 10.
26:11You've let yourself go.
26:12Look at the state of that dressing gown.
26:14Is there any wonder she suggested separate rooms?
26:16It's got nothing to do with your snoring!
26:24APPLAUSE
26:30Hello, welcome back again.
26:32I guess it's the start of part three, then.
26:35You guess.
26:36Right, congratulations, Greg.
26:38Before the break, they were trying to catch as many potatoes as possible
26:41in their potato hat.
26:42Any non-potato counts against the potato tool.
26:44Three have been, and sure, they gave it a go.
26:47But now for two top hat potato titans, hopefully.
26:50It's May and Ivo.
26:52No, yes, yes.
26:54No, no, no, yes.
26:56No, yes, yes.
26:57No, no, no.
26:58No, yes, yes.
27:00No, no, no, yes.
27:02No, no, no, yes.
27:03No, yes, yes.
27:05I just, I can't learn it in time.
27:06One minute.
27:07Have you got a pen?
27:08Do you want a pen?
27:09Yes, please.
27:09Oh, no, I can't touch anything at any point.
27:11You'll be sitting there facing forwards.
27:15Hey, what, what are those?
27:17No, yes, yes.
27:19No, no, no, yes.
27:21There they are.
27:23Yes.
27:23Davis is the potato.
27:25No, hang on.
27:29Davis.
27:30Yep.
27:31Here it goes.
27:39No, no.
27:41Fuck.
27:42There's the potato.
27:44There's no potato.
27:46Two potatoes, please.
27:48Oh, I've lost it.
27:50Yes.
27:50Yes.
27:51No.
27:53No.
27:53No, that was yes.
27:55No.
27:56Back on the no potato.
27:58I've got, I mean, I've got no idea now, obviously.
28:00So that's a potato.
28:01That's a potato.
28:03That's a potato.
28:03That's not a potato.
28:04We've just had a double potato.
28:08What a waste of time the three minutes before this work.
28:11What a complete waste of time.
28:13Yes.
28:14Yes.
28:16No.
28:17No.
28:19Yes.
28:20No.
28:22Yes.
28:23No.
28:24I can't recover this now.
28:28No.
28:29Yes.
28:31Yes.
28:32Yes.
28:32Look at it.
28:33It's fat as air as well.
28:34Well, maybe follow the pattern.
28:36Yeah, but, so that's a potato.
28:37So that means...
28:41There's probably more.
28:43Ah!
28:44No.
28:46No.
28:46I fucked.
28:47I lost it.
28:48Yes.
28:49I think it might be my least favourite task.
28:51Of the whole thing.
28:53What is...
28:54What...
28:54What...
28:54And we should all be ashamed.
28:56Well, that's your lot.
28:59I think I've done pretty well.
29:01So, did anything you planned work?
29:04No.
29:04No?
29:05But I don't care.
29:07Because it's...
29:08So stupid.
29:11APPLAUSE
29:16So promising now, Ivo, right?
29:19You crack the system.
29:20Yeah, I love to squander promise.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:24So, Ivo refused the pen because he thought,
29:28if you touched a pen, you'd be disqualified.
29:29You're not meant to touch anything.
29:30Obviously, Frankie and Jenny did touch a pen.
29:33How do you feel about that?
29:34Oh, God, in heaven, I can't bear this thing.
29:37Now she's doing that right.
29:39I don't want to know.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42Oh, no.
29:43It was one of the happiest days of my life,
29:45and now you want to spoil it.
29:48I don't touch it!
29:49Yeah!
29:51LAUGHTER
29:51Well, shall I tell you how Ivo and May did first?
29:54Yeah, yeah, and I'll make a call on it afterwards.
29:56OK.
29:57May, they cracked the system and stuck to it
30:00and didn't get phased by the pattern repeating like Ivo did.
30:03There was no panic.
30:04Seven animals in the hat, but 22 potatoes!
30:07APPLAUSE
30:11Ivo, on the other hand...
30:12Yeah.
30:12Eleven potatoes, ten animals, potato total, one.
30:16Positive.
30:17It's a positive score.
30:23So, without the pen problem...
30:25Yes.
30:26..it would be one point to Frankie, two to Ivo, three to Kael,
30:29four to Jenny and five.
30:30It's definitely five points to May Martin.
30:32LAUGHTER
30:36Are we changing the numbers?
30:38On this occasion, we'll let it slide.
30:41What?!
30:41LAUGHTER
30:42Has he let it slide?
30:43Has he let it slide?
30:44Has he let it slide?
30:45Has he let it slide?
30:46Has he let it slide?
30:47He has!
30:47He's let it slide!
30:49LAUGHTER
30:52Can I have a task featuring my favourite type of thing, please, Alex?
30:55Ooh, do you mean unreasonable and prolonged violence?
30:57Yes, please!
30:58All yours!
31:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:11BUZZER
31:11Ow!
31:12I hit my head.
31:14Oh, dear.
31:15It's a shame you got hit.
31:16Yeah.
31:16Hello, May. Hello.
31:18Hello, Jenny.
31:18Hello.
31:19Hello, Kael.
31:20Yo.
31:20Hi.
31:21Hello, Ivo.
31:22Hello, Alex.
31:23This is Frankie.
31:25Hello.
31:26Are you all ready?
31:27Yeah.
31:28Ish.
31:29Are you ready?
31:30Very ready.
31:32Here it comes.
31:35BUZZER
31:35BUZZER
31:36Oh!
31:38BUZZER
31:39BUZZER
31:40Oh!
31:42Well, it's nut-hate.
31:43Yeah.
31:44Back to you.
31:46Watch out!
31:48Choreograph the most elaborate and enthralling fight scene,
31:52then perform it in slow motion.
31:54Your fight scene must take five minutes and will then be sped up so that it lasts one minute.
32:00You have a total of 30 minutes. Your time starts now.
32:04How about you fight both of us?
32:08Well, you come at me together?
32:09Yeah.
32:10OK.
32:11OK.
32:11OK.
32:12Right.
32:13How's your fight?
32:14Er, I am weak, er, and cowardly, so I'm very happy to take the role of victim.
32:21LAUGHTER
32:21OK.
32:22BUZZER
32:23Wow.
32:23That's pretty good.
32:25There's one thing that I can do.
32:26My initial thought is we start hand-to-hand and then move to weapons.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:31Erm, yep.
32:33Yeah.
32:33You say that every task.
32:37APPLAUSE
32:42Well, I'm very much looking forward to this.
32:44I thought that the introduction from Ivo and Frankie looked like the world's most sinister children's show.
32:51LAUGHTER
32:51Welcome to the caravan.
32:53Yeah.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:56Hello, children.
32:58We're going to be making some stuff with gaffer tips, don't we?
33:02LAUGHTER
33:03Is it time to fight?
33:05Yes, I'm very much looking forward to seeing hand-to-hand followed by weapons.
33:10LAUGHTER
33:10The first fight of the night sees Kael and May bravely taking on Jenny Eclair.
33:14Mm!
33:25Edda!
33:28Uh!
33:33Uh!
33:35Him!
33:41Ichelyn!
33:43Oh!
33:45Ah!
33:57This will do everything.
33:59Thank you!
34:00Oh, no!
34:03Ah!
34:05The day is cold!
34:09Ah!
34:09Ah!
34:15What?
34:16This was a bad idea!
34:21Oh, no!
34:31I had plans for this evening.
34:40APPLAUSE
34:41I'm very interested to drill down into the narrative of your fight,
34:45if that's OK.
34:46Who were you?
34:47You were just a lady?
34:48I was a baddie.
34:49An arty villain.
34:50You were the baddie?
34:50Super-villain.
34:51Oh, yes.
34:53You snuck up on the super-villain in the shed,
34:55but she came out of her snooze.
34:57She opened the door and knocked you both out briefly.
35:00She...
35:00Who-mulated us?
35:01Yeah.
35:03LAUGHTER
35:04APPLAUSE
35:07Well, that's the end of part three,
35:09but a world of wonder awaits us in part four,
35:12by which I mean one of these doofuses
35:13is going to have to try and celebrate on stage
35:15with an Enrique Iglesias cape
35:16and some of Jenny's dad's hair!
35:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:31Hello, here we go then, part four,
35:33and we're in the middle of a melee, Alex.
35:35Yes, we saw Jenny, Klobber, team-mates, May and Kael
35:38into submission,
35:39but now it's Frankie Boyle versus Ivo Graham.
35:48Oh, hello.
35:52No.
35:52Hello!
36:11WHISTLE BLOWS
36:40Oh, shit.
36:45LAUGHTER
36:48APPLAUSE
36:48That's pretty good.
36:50APPLAUSE
36:52I mean, it was powerful.
36:55Frankie was the taskmaster in a different universe, is that right?
36:58A bailiff coming to evict Ivo.
37:01And then Ivo seemed to call in some kind of clone army.
37:05A couple of whom were my actual children.
37:08LAUGHTER
37:09My actual children who, let's be honest, put the boot in.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:15It was such a lovely moment when Frankie Boyle's children
37:17agreed to help beat him up.
37:20The criteria were the most elaborate and enthralling fight scene wins.
37:25Right, well, they were both elaborate and they were both...
37:27Both of them enthralled me, one slightly more than the other.
37:30Ah.
37:31But I'm going to give them both high marks for this.
37:33Oh!
37:34I'm going to give Frankie and Ivo five.
37:35Congratulations.
37:36I really loved theirs as well, so I'm going to give them four.
37:39I can cope with that. Five points and four points!
37:42APPLAUSE
37:48Let's have a quick look at the scores.
37:50Of course.
37:50Oh, you won't believe it.
37:52Two people have got twice as many points as Kael.
37:54They're joint leaders.
37:55Ivo and Jenny both have 16 points!
37:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:00Here we go, then.
38:00Please text the stage for final task of the show!
38:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:19Know the most facts about sausages.
38:21LAUGHTER
38:22If you have 100 seconds to learn some facts about sausages,
38:26best score in the sausage exam wins.
38:31Inside their desks, they've got a sausage fact sheet.
38:34They've got 100 seconds to look at it and learn it,
38:36and then Greg Davis will host the sausage exam.
38:41LAUGHTER
38:41Hello, Frankie.
38:43If we already know quite a lot about sausages...
38:45LAUGHTER
38:46..do we have to recuse ourselves?
38:48The more pre-knowledge you have, the better, Frankie.
38:50OK, so 100 seconds to learn your sausage facts,
38:53and those seconds start...
38:56WHISTLE BLOWS
38:56Sausage!
38:58MUSIC
39:06What's Frankie writing down?
39:08I think this is his preparation.
39:10Oh!
39:12LAUGHTER
39:23Please put your facts away.
39:24Please put your facts away.
39:25Please put your facts away.
39:25Please put your facts away.
39:25Back in the box, please.
39:26Back in the box, please.
39:27There you go.
39:28More writing.
39:29Right.
39:30It's time for the sausage exam.
39:32Ding, ding!
39:34LAUGHTER
39:37OK, here we go.
39:38Question one.
39:39What was the first name of the Sausage Queen of 1955?
39:45If you know the answer, please keep it to yourself.
39:48LAUGHTER
39:48LAUGHTER
39:51Question number two.
39:52How did Queen Victoria like the meat in her sausage?
39:57LAUGHTER
40:00Question three.
40:02What is the minimum meat content of a pork sausage in the United Kingdom?
40:08We're looking for a percentage there.
40:10Question four.
40:12What nationality is a democracy sausage?
40:16Oh, my God.
40:17Who's in suggest?
40:18Come on, question five.
40:19And finally, question five.
40:22What is the casing of a sausage traditionally made from?
40:28Ding, ding!
40:29WHISTLE BLOWS
40:31Ports down, please. Ports down!
40:33APPLAUSE
40:35Display the boards on the front of the desk, please.
40:37They hang on the front.
40:38Yes.
40:39Lovely stuff.
40:40Well, I'm going to ask Ivo to give me the correct answers.
40:45Would you mind handing me the correct answers, Ivo?
40:47Do you think you know where they are?
40:49Swat?
40:51You know what you did.
40:52I know what I did.
40:54And it was pretty swatty.
40:58Here's the sausage facts.
40:59And here is a sentence saying,
41:01Jean chopped 42 Australian intestines.
41:04Oh!
41:05Oh, my God!
41:08APPLAUSE
41:10OK, here are the scores.
41:14APPLAUSE
41:17A small observation.
41:19Kyle looks genuinely furious.
41:21LAUGHTER
41:23Again.
41:24So, we'll add all those up.
41:25We'll add them to your final scores.
41:27Please, come down and join me.
41:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:37How did the sausage exam go?
41:39Yes.
41:39Ivo was the only one who turned the exam paper over.
41:42You should always do that.
41:43Always turn it over.
41:44Well, that's not true.
41:44I also turned the exam paper over.
41:46I thought...
41:48LAUGHTER
41:48I thought it was going to be a secret question.
41:50And that was going to be the answer to the last question.
41:54LAUGHTER
41:58Well, I can tell you that in the series, because of all this,
42:02Kyle is now last by quite some distance.
42:04LAUGHTER
42:06This episode, well, well, well, for the second show in a row,
42:09Ivo Graham is the winner with 21 points.
42:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:14Ivo Graham wins the show!
42:17Your heroic Paul the Wingshoe!
42:23So, what have we learnt today?
42:27If you get wrapped up in the stresses and strains of life,
42:30perhaps you've been humiliated at work.
42:32Take a moment, breathe, revisit this show
42:35and enjoy this beautiful moment all over again.
42:38LAUGHTER
42:40LAUGHTER
42:42LAUGHTER
42:43LAUGHTER
42:44LAUGHTER
42:45APPLAUSE
42:48We can't go yet.
42:50Not all, Sam.
42:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:13LAUGHTER
43:15LAUGHTER
43:15APPLAUSE
43:18MUSIC
43:19MUSIC
43:21MUSIC
43:21MUSIC
43:21MUSIC
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