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00:34Hello! Hello, everybody, and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39It's a brand-new series, and I am a brand-new Greg Davis.
00:43Why? What's that, Greg? Have you been working out?
00:45Of course I haven't.
00:46I've just started the inevitable age-related slide
00:49towards more indefensible right-wing views.
00:52And selfishness.
00:54If this carries on, at this rate,
00:55this show will be run by a fat Jacob Rees-Mogg.
00:59As if things weren't sexy enough round here.
01:05So what of our latest crop of contestants?
01:07Well, I'm not one to judge people I don't know yet,
01:10but gut instinct and on-set gossip tell me
01:13that three of the five will be eye-wateringly bad at this.
01:16LAUGHTER
01:17With those sort of statistics,
01:19to whet your appetite, let's not waste any more time,
01:21please welcome...
01:23..Julian Clary!
01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:25Lucy Vermont!
01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:28Sam Campbell!
01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:30Sue Perkins!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32And Susan Wakoma!
01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:36We all know the following slogans.
01:39Just do it.
01:40Always the real thing.
01:41I'm loving it.
01:42The most enduring brands all have one.
01:44So why shouldn't he?
01:46Please welcome friendless oddball...
01:49..LITTLE ARRY TALLS!
01:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53APPLAUSE
01:54Hello, Greg.
01:56Hello there.
01:57Are you hungry?
01:57I'm really hungry.
01:58What have you bought for me?
01:59Well, I think you like canapes, am I right?
02:01I love canapes.
02:02Oh, they're so small and delicious, aren't they?
02:03Oh, my God, pop them in.
02:04Oh, well, here they are.
02:05There we go.
02:06Canapes.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08Small and delicious.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:18Right, onwards.
02:20What's the first prize task, Alex?
02:22Well, I think it's fair to say we're all in for a bit of a laugh
02:24because you asked them to bring in the most wonderful wooden thing
02:28that they've owned for a while.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:32Bonkers.
02:33The wooden thing Greg deems is the most wonderful will get five points
02:36to jumpstart their series and, at the end of the episode,
02:38the winner will take home five wonderful wooden things
02:41to show all their friends and families will burn.
02:44LAUGHTER
02:45All right.
02:45Julian Clary, hello.
02:46Hello there.
02:47How are you?
02:48Bearing up under the strain, thank you.
02:50Perfect.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:54Erm, what wooden thing have you brought in for me, Julian?
02:56I brought in a wooden table that I once had commissioned.
02:59Here is his wooden table.
03:03Oh!
03:04LAUGHTER
03:06And we're off.
03:07Yes.
03:08Start as we mean to go on.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:10My friend was married to a furniture maker
03:13and I suggested what I would like and he made it.
03:16About 30 years ago, I think.
03:18And now you think you've outgrown it?
03:20Well, it was hard to part with,
03:22but I thought it might win me a point.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:27What have you brought us, Lucy Beaumont?
03:30It's erm, a wooden picture of a boxer dog.
03:33Aww.
03:35It's not a wooden picture of a boxer dog,
03:36it's a picture of a boxer dog in a wooden frame.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:39No, you're wrong, erm, because it's possessed.
03:44But, sorry, you obviously misheard me.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:48Why is it possessed?
03:50Because, in the house we lived in, erm,
03:53basically I got into bed,
03:55er, I was just about to fall asleep,
03:56and erm, what felt like a boxer dog got in bed with me,
04:01erm, obviously we don't have a dog, but I could...
04:06LAUGHTER
04:06..feel, could feel...
04:07It's a very specific feeling.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11For you to know the breed of dogs.
04:13LAUGHTER
04:14Because of its limbs,
04:15and then, erm, when we converted the garage,
04:18we found that.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:21Are you genuinely claiming
04:23that you've felt the spirit of a boxer dog
04:25climb into bed with you?
04:27When I...
04:27And then you found this picture?
04:28Yeah.
04:29Right.
04:31Sam, what have you brought us?
04:33A Pinocchio.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:36Would you...
04:37Would you like to see Sam's Pinocchio?
04:39I'd like to enjoy his pronunciation one more time.
04:42It's a Pinocchio.
04:43Oh!
04:46LAUGHTER
04:51Oh!
04:52Oh!
04:52It's disgusting!
04:54Oh!
04:56But everything is long except the nose.
04:59Oh, I see.
05:00Why?
05:01Why?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:02He's never lied, this guy.
05:04It's when other people lie to him.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:07That's a great tragedy, in a way.
05:11I've heard enough.
05:11You've heard enough?
05:12Yeah.
05:13I mean, it's insane, isn't it?
05:14It's insane.
05:15Sue, hello.
05:17I've bought, erm, a...
05:19an original piece of art painted by Henry,
05:21the liberated chimpanzee.
05:23Here we go.
05:24Oh!
05:25Wow!
05:25That's mixed media.
05:28Erm...
05:28Acrylic, wood, banana puree.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32So, I went to a chimp sanctuary...
05:34...where all the chimps had been sadly experimented on,
05:37but they'd been released into this beautiful, sort of,
05:40forest environment.
05:41And the boys had never met girls before.
05:43And there was an introduction day.
05:45And all I can describe is...
05:47sex-getting.
05:48So, the chimpanzees ran at each other with real...
05:51real need.
05:52Apart from Henry, who just climbed the top of a pole,
05:55and he stayed there.
05:57And later, when I left the sanctuary, they sent me this.
05:59It's signed at the back.
06:00So, if I've got this right, you observed a monkey orgy.
06:05Yes!
06:06A morgy, yes.
06:07Well, a morgy.
06:08Yes.
06:10One of the monkeys wasn't interested in a morgy.
06:12He climbed a stick, looked lonely, he painted you a picture.
06:15Yes!
06:16He did.
06:18Weirdly, ever since I've had it, every night when I get into bed,
06:21I feel...
06:23LAUGHTER
06:32Well, incredibly more believable than the spirit of a boxer dog.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:38Susan, welcome.
06:39Hi.
06:40What wooden thing have you brought me?
06:41A wind chime.
06:43It's not haunted.
06:44Ooh.
06:46There it is.
06:47It's not really wooden, are you?
06:49LAUGHTER
06:50I mean, to be fair, it seems more shell-based.
06:53Yeah.
06:53Talk us through your wind chime.
06:55I went to have a look at a volcano in Costa Rica,
06:58and when I saw the volcano, I thought it was really beautiful,
07:00and so I started crying.
07:02And then this lovely lady came up to me and she said,
07:04why are you crying?
07:05And I said, because this is really beautiful.
07:07And she went, well, then you can take something with you.
07:10And she pulled out this wind chime and she gave it to me.
07:13Oh, God.
07:14And then I looked in the gift shop and she just basically bought it
07:17and was trying to palm it off.
07:19LAUGHTER
07:20Mm-hm.
07:21It's quite a sweet story.
07:24Unfortunately, it's an awful object.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:27It's fairly easy to score this, isn't it?
07:29I'm sorry, Lucy, it was an enchanting story,
07:31but I don't want that, so I'm only giving you one point.
07:35One point to you.
07:35Well done, Lucy.
07:36And you can get two points and thank me for them.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:40What do I want?
07:41I'm quite frightened of yours, Sam.
07:44I'm giving it three points.
07:45And I think just because it's such a big, heavy bum table,
07:49it has to take the five points.
07:51OK.
07:51So four to Sue, five to Julian.
07:53Well done, Julian.
07:55APPLAUSE
07:58All right, well, let's see them in action.
08:01What's first, please?
08:01Little Alex Hone.
08:03Well, Greg, Davis, we start with a canny little task.
08:07Ooh.
08:21Hello?
08:24Oh, it's you.
08:25Hi.
08:26This is the living room and that is Greg Davis.
08:30Don't look him in the eye, thank you.
08:33Hi.
08:34Hi, Julian.
08:35I'm Alex.
08:38Sam Campbell.
08:40Do you think anyone's going to find the secret task?
08:45I don't know about that.
08:46I was just wondering, do you think anyone's going to find the secret task this series?
08:51I don't know.
08:52Yeah.
08:52Yeah?
08:53Yeah.
08:54Not me.
08:55No.
08:56They look lovely like that.
08:58Why did they bother putting labels on them?
09:06Build a tower out of the cans in the lab.
09:09You must...
09:10Oh, for...
09:10Oh, what?
09:11You must put on your blindfold in this room and wear it properly for the rest of the task.
09:18Tallest tower wins.
09:20You have five minutes.
09:23No, no, no.
09:25Where's the blindfold?
09:29In the can.
09:30Can you get a can of blindfold?
09:33Yeah, I think so.
09:35Is it in the can?
09:36Where do you buy blindfolds and cans from?
09:44So, do...
09:45What's this?
09:47OK.
09:48Can you see anything, Sam?
09:49Nah.
09:50Sam?
09:51What's up?
09:52Great.
09:53You've now only got four and a half minutes.
09:55What?
09:56No.
09:56Five minutes.
09:57Oh, yeah.
09:57It did say five minutes.
10:00See you later.
10:01Bye!
10:02No, no, no, no.
10:03You've got to put it on in this room.
10:04Huh?
10:07Where's the room now?
10:13Is that a dar?
10:15Why, the dar was here.
10:18What is that?
10:19It's quite sharp.
10:24Well, the dar's there.
10:26Just a little.
10:27What's that?
10:29Just further.
10:30Ah!
10:33Yeah, that's a whole minute gone now.
10:36Here it is.
10:36Off we go.
10:37Here's a little dar.
10:43Just to remind you to everyone, the task was not get out of this room.
10:48Julian, you seem to have a sizzling contempt for Alex, I detected early on.
10:53Oh, really?
10:54Well, yes.
10:55Yeah.
11:00It sort of evolved, but, I mean, it's ever so nice, really.
11:03But he does great.
11:04You're right.
11:05And Susan, I felt quite sorry for initially, because she seemed quite defeatist.
11:09She went, who'll find the secret task, not me.
11:11And I thought, don't be so negative.
11:13Be positive, talk yourself up.
11:15And then I watched the rest of the video, and I thought, no, it won't be you.
11:19OK, we're going to start by seeing these two people, Lucy Beaumont and Susan Wakoma.
11:27It's not something you want to do fast, is it, really?
11:31Because you don't want to be injured.
11:35Why does the corridor feel like it's getting narrower?
11:37It's like a nightmare.
11:39Oh, Christ.
11:40Oh, yeah, here we are.
11:41Whoa, whoa, whoa!
11:43This is the door!
11:45Oh, Christ.
11:46Oh, yeah, here we are.
11:58What was that?
12:00You're meant to be political...
12:16MUSIC PLAYS
12:19I think there was a tower there, you know.
12:36Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.
12:40Still got two minutes.
12:44Alex? Yes? Where are you? I'm just here.
12:53One minute left.
12:57Why? These are not sufficient...
13:03Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
13:07Do I have to build these from scratch?
13:10All the information's on the...
13:11Oh, I don't... Well, I can't read it, can I?
13:16Last one.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:21You've got 30 seconds. Yeah.
13:24Ten seconds, Lucy.
13:30Do you know what I feel?
13:31You've got five seconds left.
13:32Just stop there.
13:33Are you sure?
13:34Yeah, I feel like I'm going to ruin it.
13:35Are you going to do it or not?
13:37No.
13:40WHISTLE BLOWS
13:42WHISTLE BLOWS
13:43WHISTLE BLOWS
13:44WHISTLE BLOWS
13:44WHISTLE BLOWS
13:47OK.
13:48I'll measure the tower.
13:49You can leave now.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:56You can leave now.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:19APPLAUSE
14:19Do you remember what you said when you were ineffectually putting one can on top of each other and they
14:24kept falling off?
14:24Because I've written it down.
14:25Yeah.
14:26You said, these are not sufficient.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:30She is the winner so far.
14:31She is the winner so far.
14:32Eleven cans high.
14:33And I've given Lucy a six-can tower.
14:36Is that because there were six cans left standing from the tower that she knocked out?
14:39That she made.
14:40How did she make it?
14:41By knocking it down.
14:43LAUGHTER
14:43Right.
14:44Now for a smidge of Julian Clary and a smudge of Sam Campbell.
14:49Can I take this can with me?
14:51Yes.
15:06Oh shit.
15:10Oh shit.
15:32Oh shit.
15:36Just a moment.
15:39Evelyn's...
15:40Hi.
15:41Well, no.
15:41It's about 20.
15:41There's about two hours.
15:41What is the pen?
15:43I'm sorry.
15:43I'm sorry.
15:43I can't see.
15:43I can see.
15:46Alright.
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