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Taskmaster - S15E09 - A Show About Pedantry [Full Movie] [Full Version]Full EP - Full
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00:02Brace! Brace!
00:03I'm bracing!
00:12No, no, no, no!
00:18No!
00:23Ah!
00:25What?
00:31APPLAUSE
00:35Hey!
00:38Yes!
00:39Welcome to Taskmaster with me, your Taskmaster Greg Davies.
00:43Oh, you can feel it, can't you?
00:45That end-of-series atmosphere.
00:47Things are getting tense as we go into this penultimate episode,
00:50with several of our competitors jostling for the coveted top spot
00:54that will lead them into the Taskmaster history books.
00:57Also, Ivo Graham is here.
01:00It's at testing times like this that our competitors might look
01:03to the wisdom of those that have trodden life's rocky path before.
01:07I remember only too well the wisdom of my own grandmother
01:10gave me the day before a big swimming contest.
01:14I wrote it down immediately,
01:14and I hope it will inspire our brave competitors tonight.
01:18She said,
01:19I can't feel my legs!
01:22Don't just stand there, boy!
01:23Call someone!
01:24Do something!
01:28We're thinking about, isn't it?
01:29Please shout hello with your hands to...
01:33Frankie Boyle!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:36Ivo Graham!
01:37Jenny Clare!
01:39Ayal Smith-Vino!
01:42And Mae Martin!
01:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:03I used to send a lot of letters as a child.
02:06I bet you did.
02:09May I ask for a prize task, please?
02:11You may indeed, you mighty steed.
02:13This time, they've all brought in what they believe to be
02:15the sneakiest thing.
02:17Greg will hand over five points to the thing he thinks is sneakiest,
02:21and then the sneaky winner of the show will sneak home
02:23with five sneaky things.
02:24Hello, Jenny Clare.
02:26Hello, Greg.
02:26Hello, Alex.
02:27What sneaky thing have you snuck in?
02:29To represent sneakiness,
02:31I have brought in a mask.
02:33Well, this is the mask that Jenny has brought in.
02:36Uh-oh.
02:37Yeah.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:40I mean, honestly,
02:42how you're going to sell this to me as sneaky...
02:45Sneaky!
02:45..is a mystery to me.
02:47What's behind the mask?
02:51It's her own book.
02:52Yeah.
02:54So, this came out,
02:57and it didn't really get the publicity I felt it deserved,
02:59so I thought if I could sneak it on a programme set as this...
03:03APPLAUSE
03:04..and then I'll buy it!
03:07Jenny, I take it all back.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:09You are one sneaky sneak.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13Hey, Frankie, what have you brought in?
03:14I've brought in a book.
03:16It's a children's book called
03:18Orlando the Marmalade Cat.
03:20Here it is.
03:21It has a virtue in that it would send my children,
03:25when they were little, straight to sleep.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28But what I found was they were quite resistant
03:30to Orlando the Marmalade Cat being brought out.
03:34They learned that it was essentially chloroform.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39And thus, I got an artist friend to knock up a fake cover,
03:44which was this.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48LAUGHTER
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51LAUGHTER
03:51LAUGHTER
03:52And what I would do,
03:54is I'd start to improvise some of Harry Potter and the Kung Fu Death Cult,
03:59and then I would gradually go into the soothing rhythms
04:02of Orlando's seaside holiday.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:04Lovely work.
04:05Oh, God.
04:06Yeah.
04:06So far...
04:07Unusually good.
04:08Those are both great prizes.
04:10Uh-oh, Ivo.
04:11Oh, dear.
04:12I've got some great news for you.
04:14It's another book,
04:15and it's the sneakiest book of them all.
04:19It's the English Dictionary.
04:21Here it is.
04:22Sneaky.
04:23What a fickle mistress our language is.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:28What I'm interested in, Ivan, I suspect you know this,
04:31is how you define that book as sneaky.
04:34Let's open it up and find out.
04:36Oh, my goodness!
04:39It's not a book, it's a box!
04:42LAUGHTER
04:44What's in the book?
04:46Because I know that you're missing the dictionary, Greg,
04:48so just for you, I've chucked in...
04:50Here we go.
04:50The smallest dictionary in the world!
04:54LAUGHTER
04:54Are you excited to have Pearson's miniature dictionary
04:58in probably the pocket inside your pocket?
05:00Oh, God, I wouldn't say...
05:00I wouldn't say I'm in any way excited.
05:02LAUGHTER
05:03Hello, May.
05:05Hi.
05:05Can you beat a sneaky dictionary?
05:07I hope so, yeah, yes.
05:09I think that the sneakiest thing is, um, a knock-knock joke.
05:13This is what May's brought in.
05:16OK, so...
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18But what if...
05:20you didn't realise but you already know the answer
05:23to the knock-knock joke,
05:24because part of it is currently in one of your breast pockets?
05:28Have a look, Greg.
05:29Oh, dear.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:34It says May.
05:35But that's not the full answer.
05:36What if, without knowing it,
05:38Kyle also had part of the answer on his person?
05:42LAUGHTER
05:42What would you do in your pocket, Kyle?
05:44Other one?
05:45This one?
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48Oh...
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50Pinhead.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:51That's my nickname.
05:53Ivo, have a look in your pocket as well.
05:55I get to be part of it.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:57LAUGHTER
05:59Oh!
06:00There.
06:01Oh, I've got it.
06:02OK.
06:03Martin.
06:04So, Mon Hakuza, May Pinhead Martin...
06:07I didn't think hard about the joke itself.
06:09It was more about, like, the delivery of the joke.
06:11That was sneaky.
06:12I also got, um, Alex's wife to mail me two of his socks.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19APPLAUSE
06:23That's very weird.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28Kyle, the heat is on.
06:31It is, isn't it?
06:32Yeah.
06:33There's been a lot of literature, all written,
06:36and they couldn't be written without this.
06:38It's a pen.
06:39Do you recognise that pen?
06:41I do not.
06:42Do you recognise this?
06:44Oh, yes.
06:45Oh, yeah, I signed that.
06:47You signed this?
06:48Yeah.
06:49They told me that Dr Segler had passed the test of some kind.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:56Wow!
06:57That is good.
06:59APPLAUSE
07:01But that's not all.
07:03Please.
07:03Because when you signed this, you said...
07:07Who's this character?
07:09Well done.
07:11For your five points.
07:13Yeah.
07:14Yeah.
07:14And that was recorded on that pen.
07:17It's a spy pen.
07:18Oh!
07:20God, all I'm thinking was, how long was it in the room?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24LAUGHTER
07:25But that's not all.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28Because the name Sekhna Ensgit is an anagram of sneakiest thing.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36APPLAUSE
07:36Wow.
07:39Wow.
07:41Wow.
07:41This is impossible to judge.
07:43And yet...
07:46I vote system yes.
07:47We can agree on that, can't we?
07:48Yes.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:50I think we should give him two points.
07:52OK.
07:53OK.
07:54APPLAUSE
07:58I can't differentiate between May, Jenny and Frankie, is the truth of it.
08:03So how many points for that?
08:04I'm going to give them four points.
08:06Oh, all right.
08:07And anyone who does a three-tier sneak on me deserves the five.
08:10There we go.
08:11Four points for 12.
08:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:14She's fine.
08:17Please, can we watch a nice little film, Alex?
08:20Oh, go on then, you big brute.
08:22And this is a nice, messy team one.
08:31Hello.
08:34Hello, team.
08:35Hi, Alex.
08:36There are three spots.
08:38You must each go to a spot, please.
08:41Speedy of me.
08:45I wanted to read the task, you know?
08:48I don't mind who goes where.
08:52And how did you make that decision?
08:54Frankie started walking.
08:55It was too late.
08:57Just to be clear, the plan is to load it up with paint
09:01and then to throw it back.
09:04That is the plan.
09:07Well, we've got that carnage to look forward to then.
09:09Shall we crack on?
09:10OK, well, here are the three-ers.
09:13I can see the aubergine, potato at the back
09:15and then mangoes easy, red and green.
09:17Well, should we not start with a potato?
09:19We should start with a potato.
09:20OK.
09:20Because that is white and yellow.
09:22White and yellow.
09:23OK, Jenny, why don't you try the yellow first?
09:25OK.
09:25How many minutes have we got for this?
09:27You've got eight left.
09:28Oh, God, no!
09:29Go, go, go!
09:30OK.
09:39That's white.
09:40Oh, no!
09:41They have the wrong colours in them.
09:43OK, they screwed us over.
09:43You wanted some white.
09:44You did want some white.
09:46That's rude.
09:46OK, there's blue in this.
09:47This is yellow.
09:48Black here.
09:49OK, do yellow, Kyle.
09:50Yellow.
09:50OK, ready?
09:50You're doing a stamp?
09:52Yeah.
09:52Fucking brilliant.
09:54OK, three, two, one.
10:01Nice one.
10:02Nice one.
10:03You've got enough on the palate.
10:04That's potato.
10:06You're doing beautifully.
10:07What's the middle one?
10:08It's mango.
10:09Which is red and green.
10:10Red and green.
10:11This is black, I think.
10:13Let's just get another colour going.
10:15If I give you some blue, then you can make some green.
10:17Great.
10:18I'm hoping this is blue.
10:20Ready?
10:27So sorry.
10:31We've only got one squeezer.
10:33This is it.
10:38Yeah, great!
10:40OK, red's coming.
10:41Some red coming.
10:43That's it.
10:44That's it.
10:45That's not red from the mango.
10:47Right, you've got one and a half minutes to it.
10:49OK, I need, like, black.
10:51Black coming to you.
10:52Yeah.
10:57We've got that 30 seconds.
10:58I'm gonna be ready for it.
11:00It's coming!
11:00It's there!
11:04Why am I so shit at this?
11:06Oh shit, we've got some yellow on the mango.
11:11Well done, mate.
11:13Well done, mate.
11:19Sometimes in Taskmaster I find that you hear lines that belong somewhere else.
11:23And Jenny did a line that belonged in an action thriller film.
11:26When she realised it was the wrong colour, it went,
11:28like, ha!
11:29They screwed us over!
11:36Overall though, I thought teamwork was genuinely touching.
11:39It was good.
11:39May at one point said,
11:40guys, we need to think about the potato.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:44That's the end of part one.
11:45If you have a child under ten,
11:47you've just got time to go and wake them up
11:49and say you've had a bad dream before screaming,
11:52there!
11:52How do you like it?
11:53Good luck concentrating at school tomorrow.
11:56P.S.
11:56I've wet myself!
12:08Hello!
12:09No, it can't be.
12:11It is.
12:12It's the start of part two.
12:13And the current team task involves matching colours with paints
12:16and vegetables and fruits and things like that.
12:18They're trying to match the colours of an aubergine,
12:20a potato and a mango by mixing paints.
12:22Only the paints have to travel to the painter first.
12:24Just a team of two to go.
12:26Let's see how they got on.
12:28LAUGHTER
12:29Frankie.
12:30Yes?
12:31Are you sure there's nothing we're...
12:34..like?
12:35No.
12:36Ooh!
12:38Paint them white!
12:41It says the same colours.
12:44Will you really think if we paint those white,
12:46that will be not a colour?
12:48Have you seen the show?
12:49It's a show about pedantry.
12:51So you could just put two colours on there.
12:54We'll paint that and those.
12:57Brilliant!
12:58A compromise between our two methods.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:00So one long squeeze of yellow.
13:02One long squeeze of red.
13:03One long squeeze of red.
13:04It's white!
13:06That's one squeeze.
13:07It's white!
13:10Argh!
13:13And that's...
13:15What?!
13:15It's the same absence of colour as the luck.
13:18Well, you're stamping now.
13:19Stamp me a couple of colours.
13:20But that's...
13:21Not white.
13:22It's not colour.
13:24LAUGHTER
13:25That's one stamp.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:28We need a lot more.
13:30Just stamp right on it.
13:31Stamp on it.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:36That's an absence of a colour as well.
13:39No, don't do that.
13:40We can use the blue.
13:42Yeah, so I'm starting again on this side.
13:46Right.
13:52You happy with that?
13:54I'm pretty happy.
13:55Right.
13:56Wing it to me, baby.
13:57Don't mess this, because I can't get off this thing.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:06LAUGHTER
14:08LAUGHTER
14:11I think I nearly ended my stamps.
14:13Your two left.
14:14Oh, OK.
14:15That was the mask when I was stamping into my own face.
14:18Just leap.
14:19Leap.
14:19With your heels.
14:20No.
14:20Leap.
14:29You've still got one more stamp.
14:31Just do it better.
14:38I don't think that helped.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:42That's the end of your time.
14:53So, you probably wouldn't describe yourself as a natural stamper.
14:57No.
14:59I thought you got better at it.
15:00I thought that you learnt the art of stamping during this tusk.
15:03Can I just say, I think his stamp improved after I said,
15:06pretend it's your father.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:11The task was just make these things the same colour as those things.
15:14So, to make them all the same colour is very clever.
15:16Very clever.
15:17If they could pull it off.
15:18Yeah.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:20Shall we have a look at them, then?
15:21Oh, I cannot wait.
15:22OK.
15:23So, the team of three tried to make the white items look like
15:26the original items, and that's what they did.
15:29That is so good.
15:31APPLAUSE
15:34This is a team of two, the tent.
15:36Yeah.
15:36Oh!
15:38APPLAUSE
15:41Again, both quite good.
15:44Really good.
15:46Smaller team, wetter conditions, better outside the box thinking,
15:50give us some fucking points.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:55Didn't Ivo come off his circle?
15:58Yeah.
15:58Oh!
16:00Didn't Jenny take more than two squeezes?
16:04I don't think so.
16:05Yeah, there were one too many squeezes and Ivo did step off the spot.
16:09Right, so I could disqualify them both and there would be no points all round.
16:14Or, because there was a mistake on both teams, we can overlook it.
16:18I'm happy that they cancel each other out.
16:20I think that's fair enough.
16:21It's not up to me.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25That's right, Jenny.
16:27That's right.
16:28LAUGHTER
16:29Five points to everyone.
16:31They all win!
16:32APPLAUSE
16:33There we go.
16:35I've got the scores for you.
16:37They're so exciting.
16:38Ivo's on seven and then three people on nine and Kael on ten points.
16:42Ooh!
16:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:44Ooh!
16:45Ooh!
16:46OK.
16:47What have we got next?
16:48Well, we've got another team task.
16:51Not really.
16:52No, it's prize task time.
16:53No, it isn't.
16:54Twice there, I was having a big laugh about what's next in the show.
16:58LAUGHTER
17:01But it's actually time for us all to learn some valuable lessons.
17:10MUSIC PLAYS
17:11Who's that?
17:13It's me.
17:15Ah, two envelopes.
17:16Mm-hm.
17:17A little, um, theatre, perhaps.
17:20Markers, chalks, felt tips.
17:22Oh, I had a sudden rush of blood to my groin at the sight of those.
17:26It's lovely.
17:27LAUGHTER
17:28Should I read them both?
17:30No.
17:31Oh, just pick one?
17:32No.
17:34No.
17:36Which one do you want to read?
17:38That one.
17:39Correct.
17:39Yeah.
17:41Put three single-digit numbers in the slots
17:44and open the second task.
17:48Two.
17:49Lovely.
17:49Going in there.
17:50Mm-hm.
17:54And then I read this?
17:55Uh-huh.
17:55OK.
17:56Deliver a one-minute lecture about the year you selected.
18:01Mm-hm.
18:02Your lecture must start in 15 minutes from now.
18:07Most informative lecture wins.
18:09You may not leave the lab.
18:12Ivo, you selected the year...
18:141125.
18:15LAUGHTER
18:171123.
18:18Oh, it's the year 1500.
18:20Of course there's a word in front of it.
18:22Shit and fuck, why did I do that?
18:251417.
18:26What was going on then?
18:27Presumably Hastings is recovering from a big war.
18:31It was 500 years after the Battle of Hastings...
18:35...ish.
18:37Oh, God.
18:38Oh, no.
18:38I'm getting into the fetal position now, because this is so awful.
18:421642.
18:43It's not...
18:44Pangea, then.
18:46Pardon?
18:47You know, when all the earth was just one chunk.
18:49Oh, I see.
18:50Right.
18:50Yeah.
18:51No, no, no.
18:51I don't know what's wrong with that.
18:52You've written the Germans.
18:54Yeah.
18:54I'm trying to write doing a list of things that people didn't know in 1417.
18:58Right.
19:01So...
19:03Witches.
19:04When were witches?
19:05I just need to go to the loo.
19:07Can I just go to the loo?
19:07Not allowed to go to the loo.
19:09I can't.
19:09I go to the loo.
19:10I started a period.
19:12I started a period, Alex.
19:13Jesus died, we think, around zero.
19:17There's a few Edwards about it, then.
19:18Sword in the Stone.
19:20Excalibur.
19:20Merlin.
19:22APPLAUSE
19:27It seems to me, at this stage, that the only historical event
19:30that anyone here is aware of is 1066.
19:34Can I just point out that Ivo and I have a really similar year.
19:37Yeah.
19:38Ivo went to Eton and I spent high school on acid.
19:41I didn't go to high school.
19:44Odd to look at our two outfits and think that you're the acid one.
19:48LAUGHTER
19:51OK.
19:52First up to the lectern are Dr Graham and Doc Martin.
19:57Your minutes start on the whistle.
19:591123.
20:00The year is not 1124 or 1122.
20:03Rome has fallen.
20:05This is medieval.
20:06Something you could shout at literally any point in 1125.
20:09Who?
20:10William I, the conqueror, dead.
20:12But his son or relative William II, William Rufus, I think, is king.
20:16Christianity sweeps Europe.
20:18We're talking monotheism, baby.
20:22When 1125 is established, what?
20:24Fighting illness.
20:25Why?
20:25Life hard, death frequent, tension constant.
20:28We're very far from the Renaissance.
20:30Monks.
20:31Some of them are bald.
20:32The UK.
20:33I didn't include Ireland because I was mainly focused on this.
20:35I'm sorry.
20:36The main threat was from France.
20:38Uh, constant threat.
20:401123.
20:41Numerically, one plus one plus two plus three equals seven.
20:44Seventh letter of the alphabet.
20:46G.
20:46G. God.
20:47A.K.A.
20:48What I said before.
20:49Christianity.
20:50Swooping.
20:51Europe.
20:52Because Rome has fallen.
20:55I've also done my own family tree to put myself into the story.
20:58Uh, I'm one of three.
21:00My parents ran slightly out of time.
21:02Um, oh, no.
21:03I'm inbred.
21:07There's some stuff in there, right?
21:09Yeah, there's some stuff in there.
21:09I wonder if any of it's true.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:14LAUGHTER
21:15Thanks for having me again.
21:17Thanks, Ivo.
21:24When I was a kid, the BBC would play out open university films,
21:28and it was always some eccentric professor sort of rabbiting on
21:32about something that, as a child, he didn't understand,
21:34and I was taken right back there, Ivo.
21:37Yes, we had a historian called Dan Jones,
21:39to verify your facts.
21:43Right up to whether he's inbred.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:45You said that everyone could shout medieval.
21:48That was your opening gambit.
21:49Yeah.
21:50Yes, 1125 was medieval from our perspective,
21:52but could you shout it in 1125?
21:54No, because the concept...
21:55Come on, Dan Jones, give me a...
21:56The concept is a product of the Reformation.
21:58You will not speak over the historian's words.
22:04Dan Jones is a piece of shit.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07Can you get money back from Eton?
22:13APPLAUSE
22:17I didn't know you'd been on my dad's search history.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:24Made it all right.
22:25Monotheism was the name of the game everywhere.
22:27It was.
22:28Yes.
22:29But that was the very broad point that May made.
22:32David.
22:33Rome is dead.
22:34Christianity swept the world are the only two facts I ticked off.
22:37And then you did some spurious maths equation.
22:39LAUGHTER
22:39I have a beautiful mind.
22:44OK, now, two experts on the classic years, 1417 and 1500.
22:49It's Frankie and Cael.
22:52Welcome to my lecture on Britain in 14...17.
22:57LAUGHTER
22:59..15...
23:01..100...
23:02..or so.
23:04What do we know about Britain then?
23:05We don't know who the king was.
23:06All we know is that he was some sort of brutal English bastard.
23:08Things they didn't know about then include germs,
23:11atomic theory, radio waves, central heating, the rapture and tobacco.
23:15It was a good year of farmers.
23:18Britain as a concept didn't fully exist yet
23:22and we didn't have a sense of British identity.
23:25Water...
23:27..wasn't invented in the 1500s, but used in the 1500s.
23:31Yes.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:33And that's what happened in 14...17.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38Ten seconds left.
23:40Is that real?
23:41What?
23:41That's like...
23:42Um, 1500s, there was a lot going on.
23:44There was witches that came later.
23:46What they do have in the 1500s that they still have now
23:49is, like, dogs and people in a hut.
23:51That's the minute.
23:52Was that a real minute?
23:56I had so much prepared.
23:58I think it was pretty informative.
24:00Some of it was true.
24:01No, Frankie. Thank you.
24:04APPLAUSE
24:09Yeah.
24:10Did Frankie tell us anything that happened in 1417?
24:13I mean, the man forgot his year as he started.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:19Dan Jones might think differently.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:22Dan agrees there was no fully formed sense of British identity at the time.
24:26Yep.
24:27And Frankie's summary list of stuff we didn't know about in Britain
24:29is largely correct.
24:31Largely correct, yes!
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34Kyle, I think you're going to clean up on this.
24:36Yeah, same.
24:37We don't even need to ask Dan whether there were dogs and people and huts.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:44Let's zoom in on...
24:46Water hadn't been invented yet.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:48But it was being used.
24:51Dan says the water thing is unarguable.
24:53I've never heard it put like that before, though.
24:55APPLAUSE
24:59OK, it's the end of part two.
25:01While we pause and reflect, pour your partner another glass of wine.
25:04The drunker you get them, the less chance they'll make it to bed
25:07and you can starfish in a snore-free environment.
25:10At last!
25:11My God, that wedding day is a blip in your rear-view mirror, isn't it?
25:16LAUGHTER
25:20APPLAUSE
25:23Hello, all of them!
25:25It's part of your Taskmaster and it's about time we continued our education.
25:29There's only one person left to deliver their one-minute lesson.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:35One minute on the year 1642.
25:38Here is Jenny's minute.
25:42Hello, hello, hello, everybody.
25:44It's a joy to be at the campus this afternoon to spend some time with you all.
25:49And so I'd like to begin the lecture today by writing 1642.
25:55Now, does anybody in the audience know what the significance of this date, 1642, is?
26:04It's a time of turmoil, it's a time of conflict, it's a time of weather
26:10and it's a time of women really not having the kind of underwear that we have today.
26:16We have little pants, don't we? And bras.
26:21I think men might have been wearing the codpiece, but we're not concentrating on them at the moment.
26:26You see, this is what they didn't have, women didn't have that.
26:29They didn't have the pill either, they had, and they didn't have Rivita.
26:33Quite often, you know, depending on your budget and stuff like that,
26:38people liked to have swans in 1642.
26:42That's a swan now, but 1642, they were slightly different.
26:46They were more like that.
26:48So, does anybody have any questions?
26:51Was that a minute?
26:54Roughly, yeah. Do you want me to blow my whistle?
26:55Yes, please.
26:57Thank you, Jenny. Thank you very much.
26:58Great work.
27:05Five minutes, 29 seconds.
27:08Yeah, I tried to stop you, but it was not possible.
27:12What did Dan have to say about Jenny's long, long lecture?
27:20Well, Dan says I'm not an expert on women's underwear, but I did a quick Google.
27:27Yeah.
27:28She's about right on the women's underwear.
27:30Codpiece, you're wrong.
27:31The heyday of the codpiece had finished about 50 years previously.
27:34Oh, my God.
27:34That's one of your only facts.
27:37I can't speak to the history of Rivita, but Jenny's point does feel plausible.
27:42So, I give some points out.
27:43I'm awarding points according to how many actual facts there were.
27:46In Jenny's, there were two facts, but you spoke for one week.
27:52Kyle had minus one fact.
27:56But because I enjoyed both your lectures, despite them being clearly horse shit,
28:01I'm going to give you two points each.
28:02Congratulations.
28:03Two to Jenny, two to Kyle.
28:05Right.
28:07We think that May actually said one fact.
28:11Great.
28:13Three points to May.
28:14OK.
28:17I have two facts.
28:19So, he gets four points.
28:23Look how happy he is.
28:24And at the...
28:26At the top of the tree, it's Professor Graham with five sweet points.
28:31Well done, I have a good one.
28:37OK.
28:37Tusk me rotten, Alex.
28:39Ooh.
28:40I will.
28:40Right now, get ready for some serious perforation, Greg.
28:50Hi, Frankie.
28:51Watch out.
28:52There's quite a lot of bird shit.
28:54Hello.
28:55What?
29:03OK.
29:04Make exactly 99 holes in this piece of paper.
29:09Your holes must have a diameter of at least three millimetres.
29:15And form a recognisable picture or pattern.
29:19If you make more or fewer than 99 holes, you are disqualified.
29:23Mm.
29:24Also, if you look at Alex or speak to Alex at any point,
29:29you are disqualified.
29:30Fastest wins.
29:32Your time starts now.
29:35APPLAUSE
29:39That's a sneaky little trick of yours.
29:41No speaking to you, no looking at you.
29:42Mm.
29:43Cos it's quite a simple task, really.
29:44Just make 99 holes as fast as possible.
29:46Of course, but they're used to speaking and looking at you,
29:47so people are going to fall at that hurdle, you sneaky little boy.
29:51Well, maybe they won't.
29:52Maybe they will.
29:53Do you want to see?
29:54Yeah.
29:54OK, well, I know someone who's been looking forward to seeing this one,
29:57and it's you.
29:57May Martin.
30:00I can't look at you or speak to you.
30:04Uh-huh.
30:06What's going on here?
30:11I shouldn't use brute force on the...
30:13I looked at you.
30:14Well, you're still looking at me in a way.
30:16LAUGHTER
30:20Well, what do you want to do?
30:23I don't know.
30:24I'm disqualified.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:26I'm so sorry to my parents.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:32Well...
30:32Goodbye.
30:34Goodbye.
30:35APPLAUSE
30:36Well, it's very sweet that you feel that sympathetic.
30:39But, as my auntie used to say,
30:41May shat in the milk.
30:44LAUGHTER
30:46Within seconds they looked at me and I...
30:48We looked at each other,
30:49and I was happy and you were sad.
30:51Yeah.
30:52LAUGHTER
30:54It's happening now.
30:55I'm lost in your eyes right now.
30:56I can't look away.
30:57Yeah.
30:57Maybe every single...
30:59Every single one of these people has made the same mistake.
31:02Wouldn't that be great?
31:02Oh, that would be...
31:03Five Rs an ounce.
31:05Amazing.
31:05What if there's worse mistakes?
31:07LAUGHTER
31:08Or did you actually shitten some milk?
31:11LAUGHTER
31:13Who are we going to see now, Alex?
31:15OK, well, I'm very excited to announce an incredibly special guest.
31:18It's one of the biggest reality stars in the world.
31:20It's Kylie Jenner.
31:22No, sorry.
31:23It's Kyle and Jenny.
31:25LAUGHTER
31:28Now...
31:32You OK?
31:35Kyle?
31:37Do you understand all the rules?
31:38I understand all the rules.
31:40I'm going to...
31:40What?!
31:42What?!
31:43That's not fair!
31:45Oh, no!
31:46No!
31:47No!
31:48I was being polite.
31:49I'm not stopping.
31:50You're doing...
31:50I'm doing this.
31:51I don't care.
31:56Oh, that's mean!
31:58That was the meanest thing I've ever heard anybody do.
32:01Nasty, nasty trickery.
32:03Why are you taking a shit off?
32:04I'm going to use my, um, this.
32:06You know, I've got weak hands.
32:08Right.
32:0910.
32:1040.
32:1180.
32:1316.
32:1596.
32:16You're right.
32:1720.
32:18Am I allowed to use anything that's in this area?
32:21Yeah, absolutely.
32:33What's this paper made out of?
32:36Who are you asking that to?
32:39Better than a shoelace?
32:40Yeah.
32:41Good.
32:44This piece of paper.
32:50Let's go to writing shit.
32:52Right.
32:52About me?
32:54Yeah.
33:00Shall I stop the clock?
33:03I've stopped the clock.
33:05You can look at me if you want.
33:07I'm really talking to you.
33:11399.
33:12Right.
33:12I've took the clock.
33:15That's a lovely pattern.
33:17These don't count.
33:18And that should not be counted.
33:21Thank you very much indeed.
33:23I'm joking.
33:37You, erm, delight me, Kael.
33:39You have across the whole series by how angry Alex's little nerdy little traps make you.
33:45You cannot write on this paper on a piece of paper.
33:51I don't think that was a sneaky trick.
33:54There was an enormous piece of green paper.
33:57You joking?
34:00Jenny, why did you carry on when you knew that you'd been disqualified?
34:04I thought I might enjoy the task.
34:07She did the holes very well.
34:08She doubled up the paper, which is very clever.
34:10Quite quick.
34:11Yeah.
34:12And she did 109 holes.
34:14What was Kael's hole count?
34:15Er, 99.
34:17Oh.
34:19Yeah, he definitely never looked at me.
34:23And, er, well, he barely spoke to me during the whole process.
34:26So, yep.
34:28Yeah, I mean, let's put it out there.
34:30Kael does not like Alex.
34:31LAUGHTER
34:33Good.
34:35It's the end of part three.
34:36Join us again for the last part of the show,
34:39when one lucky winner will take home a knock-knock joke in a pen.
34:43Whoo!
34:44APPLAUSE
34:54Welcome back to Testmaster.
34:56It's the last part of show nine.
34:58There is still a task to finish, though,
35:00and in it they have to puncture 99 holes in a piece of paper
35:04in a recognisable picture or pattern,
35:06and, most importantly, they can't look at or speak to me.
35:09Two left.
35:10Frankie and Ivor.
35:16This golf tee seems an early fave.
35:23Ah.
35:25Do be careful.
35:29This hole punch is certainly not to be sniffed at.
35:36What number are we on?
35:39LAUGHTER
35:40And what's that first hole representing?
35:42I am focusing on my job.
35:45LAUGHTER
35:45Happy with the tool?
35:48Frankie?
35:4918, 19, positively demonic.
35:5320, 21...
35:55That must be about, what, 65?
35:5884?
35:5956, 27, 28.
36:00Count.
36:011, 2, 3, 4...
36:0272?
36:0338?
36:0464?
36:15Shall I stop the clock?
36:18LAUGHTER
36:23Check it again.
36:25Exactly 99.
36:26Yes.
36:26And that's my face.
36:29Off the clock.
36:32APPLAUSE
36:35Good.
36:37I sensed that Ivo's way of dissipating the irritation and stress
36:41that Alex was trying to cause was just to keep talking.
36:45Block him out with my own miserable internal monologue.
36:47LAUGHTER
36:48And it was very effective.
36:49Frankie's was different.
36:50And it was to absorb it all...
36:53LAUGHTER
36:53..to the point where I genuinely thought
36:55that you might throw those scissors at me.
36:58LAUGHTER
36:58But both men did a lovely drawing by the end of the day.
37:02Lovely drawings, consisting of 99 holes exactly each of them.
37:05Whoa.
37:06Yeah.
37:07And fast.
37:08Kyle was 11 minutes 47,
37:09cos he didn't see the enormous piece of paper.
37:12LAUGHTER
37:15LAUGHTER
37:16No, they're the bad ones.
37:18They're not the good ones.
37:19LAUGHTER
37:21Frankie, 5 minutes 51.
37:24Oh.
37:24Much, much quicker.
37:25Ivo, 5 minutes and 9 seconds.
37:28Whoa.
37:28Impressive stuff.
37:29Wow.
37:30How did I do?
37:32LAUGHTER
37:32Very, very quick.
37:3415 seconds.
37:36There's only one question, I think, with one of them,
37:38which I want to play a clip, to get your judgement on.
37:41Oh, yeah, sure.
37:42Have a look at this and see if anyone's broken a rule.
37:4622, 23...
37:47It's got to be a recognisable picture.
37:4924.
37:50You'll recogn...
37:51You, plural, will recognise it at home.
37:5325, 26, 27.
37:55I've lost count.
37:56Aww.
37:57As cool as it is undeniable.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:03But...
38:04You just couldn't shut the fuck up, could you?
38:06LAUGHTER
38:11Which means it's zero points to Ivo, as well as May and Jenny.
38:15Four to Kael, but five to Frankie Boyle!
38:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:20Well, let's look at the scores before I launch them,
38:22one by one, onto the stage.
38:24Quite right, too.
38:25Yes, it's turned it into a bit of a two-horse race,
38:26which is between Kael and Frankie, who's in the lead with 18 points.
38:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:33OK.
38:35Please head up to the stage for the final task of the show!
38:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:45Hello, young fellow new lads.
38:46Hello, mate.
38:48Who will be reading the, er, task out?
38:51My favourite one, Kael.
38:54Whoa!
38:56I'm trying to win him back.
38:58No chance, mate.
39:01Combine two of your things to equal the height of the thing said by Greg.
39:06You may not use any of your things twice.
39:09Worst guess each round is eliminated.
39:12So they've got 30 seconds to combine two things to equal the height of what, Greg, in round one?
39:18Reece Witherspoon.
39:19Now, look at your paddles.
39:20Combine two things to be the height of Reece Witherspoon.
39:23Remember, you don't need to show us or squat.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:29No changing, thank you.
39:30So you may now exchange your paddles for the objects.
39:34You're over or through the gap, it's fine.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:41She's ever so tall.
39:44Would you like me to get Reece Witherspoon out?
39:46I really would.
39:48I think Jenny's going to be disappointed.
39:51Here she comes.
39:53Right.
39:54How tall is Reece Witherspoon?
39:56Reece is a little bit smaller than a chicken standing on a cello.
39:58She's about the same as a chicken sitting on a cello.
40:00So I'm going to compare it to the...
40:02What is that? A traffic cone on a cello.
40:05Let's have a look.
40:05The difference in centimetres is...
40:0849 centimetres.
40:10All right, I thought she might be wearing heels.
40:12LAUGHTER
40:1349 centimetres to beat.
40:15Great game.
40:16She's 27 centimetres taller than a chicken standing on a space hopper.
40:20We've lost Jenny.
40:21Jenny's gone.
40:22APPLAUSE
40:27Is that a present? An old lady chair?
40:29Yes.
40:31Like in The Chemist?
40:32LAUGHTER
40:35Next up, Greg is...
40:38The Taskmaster's inside leg.
40:40Off you go.
40:463...
40:472...
40:481...
40:49Yes.
40:51I'd have gone for that.
40:52Oh, dear.
40:55OK.
40:58LAUGHTER
41:00APPLAUSE
41:03That's an interesting association.
41:06What we were looking for, of course, is a meerkat on a space hopper.
41:09We haven't got that.
41:10We've got four water hogs.
41:12LAUGHTER
41:15Yeah, well, here is the inner leg.
41:18The slit goes all the way to right there.
41:21That's where it is compared to me.
41:23And, er...
41:24No, I think we found our loser, yeah.
41:26LAUGHTER
41:27That means we have lost Frankie Boyle.
41:29Unlucky, Frankie.
41:29No salt.
41:31APPLAUSE
41:36What's round three, Greg?
41:38Alpaca.
41:39Yes.
41:39It's an adult male alpaca, please.
41:41MUSIC PLAYS
41:48OK.
41:49Swap away.
41:54Ooh!
41:57Interesting.
41:59They look taller in the adverts.
42:01LAUGHTER
42:04Let's get out an alpaca and see how he compares to that.
42:08Aren't you, Pop?
42:08There he is.
42:10Oh, he's big.
42:12He's big.
42:12He's a big one.
42:13Oh, what a big lad.
42:15I think we know who's safe.
42:16Congratulations, Ivor.
42:17You've made it to the final.
42:18Yes, well done.
42:19CHEERING
42:21So it's a tie-break to see who gets through to the final.
42:24All you've got to do in the tie-break is write on the back of your meerkat
42:27how tall you think a meerkat and a traffic cone is combined in centimetres.
42:32Closest guess wins.
42:33You've got ten seconds.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:37Have you finished?
42:39OK.
42:40Kyle, what is your answer?
42:4190.
42:42OK.
42:43What's your answer, May?
42:45Up at 84.
42:46Ooh!
42:48The correct answer is...
42:50108 centimetres.
42:51Kyle's in the final!
42:52Well done, Kyle!
42:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:59All right, so it's the final.
43:01Looking forward to the final, guys.
43:03Well, I've only got one paddle left, so I assume there's a thrilling twist.
43:07LAUGHTER
43:07The last item is, Greg?
43:09Yoda.
43:11Exchange your paddle for the thing you think is the same height as Yoda.
43:15Grrr.
43:17LAUGHTER
43:18Oh, I don't know.
43:20Is Yoda the same height as a space hopper or a standing-up chicken?
43:24I genuinely don't know!
43:26LAUGHTER
43:27He's not tall.
43:28No, he's little.
43:29We know that.
43:29Short he is.
43:31LAUGHTER
43:31There he is.
43:34It's still...
43:35It's still close.
43:37I can't tell.
43:38No, it's cut.
43:39Ooh!
43:40It is close.
43:41Or this.
43:43LAUGHTER
43:45We have a nine centimetre difference
43:47and an 11 centimetre difference.
43:49We have a winner!
43:50Come on!
43:50APPLAUSE
43:54Right, we'll have those up.
43:55We'll have them to your final scores.
43:56Come and join me!
44:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:05Well, now.
44:06Well, now, Greg.
44:07So, in the task, Jenny, of course, one point.
44:10Two to Frankie, three to May, four to Ivo, five to Kael Smith-Bino.
44:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:17Very good.
44:18Very good.
44:20And with one episode to go, it's tightened things up.
44:22It's a two-horse race for the overall winner.
44:25There is now seven points separating May and Kael.
44:28It's exciting.
44:30And this episode, it's his third win in a row.
44:33Once more, the winner is Kael Smith-Bino!
44:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:38Kael Smith-Bino wins.
44:41Please slink up to slip away with your sneaky things!
44:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:47So, what have we learnt today?
44:52You may think you know someone, your friends, your family,
44:54but everyone is capable of being sneaky.
44:57Even me.
45:00Open your mouth.
45:02LAUGHTER
45:07Jenny Eclair's new book is out now!
45:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:14Just one sweet final to go,
45:18but just one sweet winner tonight,
45:19and that person was Kael Smith-Bino!
45:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:43APPLAUSE
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