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Taskmaster - S16E10 - The Final - Always Forks and Marbles [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
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00:33Hello!
00:35Hello, everyone!
00:37I'm Greg Davies.
00:40And I would like to welcome you to the Taskmaster Grand Final!
00:52This is where we finally sort the wheat from the chaff.
00:56The culmination of ten weeks of fundamentally pointless activity pops its cork right here, right now.
01:03At the end of this episode, one of our fearless five will be able to hold aloft my gilded dome
01:07and scream like a feral wolf into the night sky.
01:10My parents may well have thought my chosen career path was disappointing given the opportunities I was afforded in life.
01:17But no one, no one can take this from me!
01:21Please give them a huge round of applause for the final time.
01:24They are Julian Clary!
01:26.
01:27.
01:27.
01:27.
01:28.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:30.
01:30.
01:30.
01:37And now, for a man who once confided in me that he considered Welsh people
01:42to only be suited to menial work.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:46It gives me a lot of time!
01:49Hello.
01:55Hello there.
01:56Oh, I'm so excited. It's the live final.
01:58Oh, it is. Are you excited?
01:59Well, I am, cos it's live. It's the first ever live edition of Taskmaster.
02:04Anything could happen.
02:05OK.
02:07Cos we're live on Channel 4.
02:08Yeah, we're not.
02:09Ooh, we're live. Look.
02:11Look at the watch just after 9pm.
02:13So it must be live.
02:14Yeah, you've changed your watch.
02:15You can't change a watch, Greg.
02:17Oh.
02:18I'll send a tweet right now.
02:20So, look at your phones.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:23We've just got that.
02:25If you're watching the show, go to your windows,
02:27and I want you to shout...
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30What's the weather like?
02:32Mild.
02:33It's mild?
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36How would I know it's mild?
02:37Yeah, God, it doesn't sound like two people planted in the same room as us.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:42Right, it's time to find out what the final prize task category is.
02:46The thing that, when you turn it round, gives you the biggest shock.
02:52Ooh!
02:54Five points for the most shocking thing when turned around.
02:57And at the end of the show, the overall winner will take them all home.
03:00What a shocking turnaround.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:02That's comedy.
03:04C!
03:05Um, what's the thing that you've brought in that, when you turn around,
03:08will give me a shock?
03:09Well, let's see the thing from the first position.
03:13Pre-turn round.
03:14Pre-turn round.
03:15Right.
03:16Uh-oh.
03:17Let's turn it round.
03:19What could be there?
03:19Here we go.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:24LAUGHTER
03:28Not a penis.
03:29Wow.
03:30Why are you smooth in the back?
03:33LAUGHTER
03:34I do sort of rub, I guess, I rub around a bit.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:40I rub more on the back than the front.
03:43Fidgeting will otter a man down.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:47Sam.
03:48Yes.
03:48You all right?
03:49I'm good.
03:49Have you done something different with your...?
03:51It was all a bit grey.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56Um, what thing have you brought in that, when you turn it round,
03:59will shock me?
03:59A baby.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:03So, here's the baby from the back.
04:07Oh, oh.
04:08Look at it.
04:10Oh, yeah.
04:10Look at it.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13No way!
04:16You can't be serious!
04:18LAUGHTER
04:19Jesus Christ.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:21And I'm not that shocked, because I knew it would be something like that.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:26Susan.
04:28My prize is some vanilla ice cream.
04:31And I actually have it here for you, Greg.
04:34OK.
04:36Is there something horrible, though?
04:38Um...
04:39LAUGHTER
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42Mmm.
04:42It's made out of human breast milk.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:47Now, would you turn the label round?
04:50Yeah, and that's the ingredients.
04:52Yeah.
04:52Make sure of the secretions and urine of beavers.
04:55Yeah, it's a standard ingredient in vanilla ice cream.
04:58Castorium.
04:58Are you serious?
04:59I'm serious.
05:01They've all got beaver piss in there.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:04Not all of them, but that one, yes.
05:05It's normally categorised under natural ingredients,
05:08so you won't know that you're sucking on some secretion of beaver.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12Well, where are all these beavers?
05:16LAUGHTER
05:20OK, yeah, that's genuinely horrific.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:24Julian, what have you brought in?
05:26It's an urn containing the ashes of a friend of mine.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32It's a first for the show.
05:34So, here's the urn from the front.
05:37Turn the urn!
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41So, let me explain.
05:43Please!
05:44I was on tour in Norwich,
05:46and I saw this in a shop window,
05:48and I really liked it.
05:49So, I bought it,
05:50and then a week later, my friend died.
05:53And that was his favourite word.
05:55And this was his favourite programme,
05:56so I thought he'd love to appear on this show.
05:58Oh!
06:01Well, you're clearly going to win.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:06Because the idea that you might make...
06:08genuinely might make me feel moved
06:10with an urn that's got shit written.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14You're doing very well, Julian.
06:16Hi, Lucy.
06:17Erm, it's a lamp.
06:19So, my daughter had a hair braid,
06:22and then it sparked a memory.
06:23My mum was at our house, and I said,
06:25well, I used to have one of them,
06:27cos I untaffled my daughters when she didn't want it in,
06:30and I said...
06:31Er...
06:31I'm fairly sure untaffled isn't a word.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:35What?
06:37Untaffled.
06:37Are you joking me?
06:39Your search did not match any documents.
06:40Did you mean unruffled, unmuffled, unravelled or unbaffled?
06:43No!
06:43OK.
06:46I'll tell you what,
06:47the people screaming at the TV now...
06:49Well, we can listen.
06:50Fuck off.
06:54APPLAUSE
06:59Bad play to the boy.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:01OK.
07:02You were untaffling, I think.
07:04So, I untaffled it,
07:04but my mum, I said,
07:06you just cut mine out of my hair.
07:09And she said, yeah, no.
07:10And she said, I've still got it.
07:12Have you never noticed?
07:14It's the light pulley for the downstairs toilet.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18And it's on this lamp here.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22But has it shocked you?
07:24Yeah, I don't know why I find it so unsettling.
07:27Jesus Christ.
07:28Do you need a second?
07:29Are you all right?
07:29Well, we're live, aren't we?
07:31Yeah.
07:31So I should...
07:32..speed through it if I can.
07:35Honestly, I knew it was going to be its horrible bottom.
07:37One point to Sam Perkins.
07:39I mean, I am shocked by Sam's baby,
07:41but I'm not shocked,
07:42because Sam's put something like that in every week.
07:45OK.
07:46Two points to Sam.
07:47I'll give three points to Azusa.
07:49Four points inexplicably for that braid.
07:52It's unsettled to me.
07:53And five points because he pulled a sweet story
07:56out of one of the darkest things ever to appear on the show.
07:59Julian Clowey gets five points.
08:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:05OK, what's next, Alex?
08:07OK, well, we're sticking with the shocking theme, Greg,
08:10and combining it with one of your five-a-day.
08:25Hello.
08:26Hello, Julian.
08:26I like a sitting-down task.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:30Oh, wow.
08:32I love donuts.
08:34Do something shocking.
08:36But family-friendly with this donut.
08:39Do something shocking,
08:40but family-friendly with this donut.
08:43Because, I mean, obviously,
08:44you would want to put it on a penis, wouldn't you?
08:47LAUGHTER
08:47The most shocking donut deed wins.
08:51You've got 15 minutes.
08:53All right.
08:54And what did your time do?
08:56Oh, yes.
08:57The time starts now.
08:58Um, yeah.
09:00Nothing going through my head is family-friendly.
09:03Oh, really?
09:04Not one idea.
09:05Well, I...
09:06What if I, like, tried to marry it or something?
09:08Like, just...
09:09You're just like, that's crazy.
09:10What did my child find shocking?
09:14Anything to do with feces she finds shocking.
09:17Can't do that.
09:18Put a poo through it.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:22No, every single thing is filthy.
09:26No, it's filthy.
09:27It's filthy.
09:30That's filthy.
09:31Hadn't it been a jam donut, then,
09:33there could have been all kinds of, you know,
09:35slight filth.
09:37I thought for something.
09:38Is it family-friendly?
09:40Well, my family wouldn't mind.
09:45APPLAUSE
09:49I think Lucy spoke for the nation, really,
09:51by voicing the first thing that we all think of,
09:53which is to pop it on a penis.
09:55Yeah.
09:55I agree on that.
09:56But I'm intrigued, Susan,
09:57that you thought of at least three more filthy things internally.
10:01Yeah.
10:02Do you want to share any of them?
10:03Oh, really?
10:03Just one.
10:05Um, bite it apart and then shove the rest up your arse.
10:11Well done, man.
10:12APPLAUSE
10:15That's the number two thing you've got to do.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:18OK, thanks, Susan.
10:19Yeah, of course.
10:20Let's crack on.
10:21OK, we're going to begin with Lucy and Sam.
10:27What do you find more shocking and saucy out of these two?
10:30It's got to be red.
10:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:38APPLAUSE
10:46Are you hungry, baby bird?
10:50Yes, I'm quite hungry, actually.
10:53I'm going to get you something to eat.
10:59How does that grab you I'm quite excited really I know you're a married man but
11:54Oh
11:55Nice
11:59Oh
12:01Ah
12:16Oh
12:21She's very high up close to the heavens you finished let's go back inside
12:51Oh
12:54My god
12:56We all knew as soon as you came out as a bird I went on
13:02Because if you ask Alex to eat anything he always says yes we were at a wedding together once I
13:07made him eat a whole pot of butter
13:10I'm not the one who gobbled a beaver's anal gland
13:12Oh
13:17Genuinely absolutely disgusting
13:20But that's nature I mean Richard Attenborough wouldn't find David
13:30It's
13:31So I don't know
13:35Yeah, it's not really that complicated so I created a small bikini clan doing that I know that
13:41Kind of I guess a femme fatale yeah
13:45She was feasted upon by this bird but we can't give you credit for the bird that happened to come
13:50along that was nature
13:51It was part of his plan we're not allowed to work with nature
13:57Yeah
13:57Pretty good documentary they had all those foxes
14:06Okay
14:07New rule if you cook tonight someone else makes the teas if you went to work today someone else makes
14:13the teas
14:13I'm saying if you're a child who gets to go to school and talk about tick tock and taylor swift
14:18or whatever
14:18You make the bloody tees they're parasites children of parasites
14:37We're in a state of shock and awe
14:39Oh
14:44See he's absolutely right yes the finalists are all trying to do the most shocking yet family-friendly thing with
14:50a doughnut and next it's sue perkins
14:55Oh
15:06Prepare to face the doughnut of doom excuse the American spelling are you ready?
15:23Shocking
15:26Okay, this is it
15:43Listen I know some element of the surprise is gone now you've got four minutes left see we'll do it
15:56Oh
16:07Well, I think the studio audience would have a good long think about what they just cheered
16:14It might be the least shocking thing
16:16The shocking thing is actually managed to hit him once
16:24Who's next please?
16:25Well here are julian and
16:27Susan, okay
16:29Could you come over here please right? Yes, of course. I'd like you to kneel down here, right?
16:58What is something like that?
17:00I'd like you to get a good idea
17:01I'd like to drink this
17:10Let's go
17:11I'll...
17:12Christy
17:13Why'd I taste so tiny?
17:22Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
17:23wait, wait, wait, wait here
17:23Oh, ketchup.
17:49It's all in, is it?
17:51Mm.
17:53Oh, my God.
18:07Oh, my God.
18:08Good luck.
18:18Thank you, man.
18:22Oh
18:27Family friendly we should probably encourage people not to do it too often at home. Okay. Yeah, thanks Julian. Good
18:32luck to you and your family
18:43Susan it's the first congratulations. You made me retch on time
18:47I actually get we were all expecting there to be a point to it, but
18:52Things were coming out that hadn't gone in
19:00Look on everybody's faces was like the high point of taskmaster for me as I did that like that day.
19:05That's the thing. She's enjoyed most
19:10Julian I was not expecting that no
19:13I wasn't really knowing if I would follow through as it were
19:18But once it started he was going to get it
19:23There's some points guess who only gets one point if it's me uncle Greg
19:42Come on
19:43Getting in four points, but if a woman regurgitates a donut into a man's mouth. She takes five points
19:56Julian Lucy both have nine points
20:05Yes, sir, and it's time for PE
20:25There you are what can it be I thought we were going to be trampolining, but that was wrong wasn't
20:29it I'm sorry you're not
20:31Trampolining it's very good for your liver
20:32Is it yes shakes it all up gets the toxins out oh for goodness sake demonstrate the most effective high
20:40intensity four part exercise routine
20:43Each of your four exercises must be original and must take place on this mat
20:48The first must last eight seconds
20:51The second far
20:53The third two and the fourth one second long
20:57Also each move must up with a whoops and yeah is how it ends each move must start with a
21:05yeah and end with a scream
21:08Must start with a scream and end with a gasp must start with a gasp and end with an ah
21:15Must start with an ah and end with a whoops. I think most things I do do that
21:22You have a maximum of 15 minutes your time starts now when I think exercise I think exorcism
21:30So when you think exercise you think of a different word yeah
21:35I'm guessing this is just for fuel just a bit of like
21:39Yes hydration yeah, just because I want to increase my body temperature. I think let's gaffer me up real good
21:48So you've got to be speaking in tongues could you give me a little demonstration of that
21:52Oh
21:56Okay
22:02Hey, what's the stage now Sam? Well, I'm not even surprised anymore
22:06We know each other. We we do know each other
22:11Do you know what phrase I want to take us into the break it's gaffer me up real good
22:33I
22:35Think it's about time. We had a decent workout Alex. Yes time to see their exercise routines. Let's go to
22:41the gym
22:53I
22:53Know I know but I wouldn't even ask you to
22:57May the power of Christ control you
23:11Oops
23:16I think the hydration
23:39May the power of Christ compel you
23:41Ah
23:48whoops
23:53yeah
24:03may the power of Christ compel you
24:11yeah
24:12yeah
24:20whoops
24:22yeah
24:36I think you only did one exercise
24:39let me tell you what was going on there all right
24:41yeah hot yoga it's a thing is that why you gathered yourself up real good for hot yoga reasons
24:47of course my kidneys were
24:49kidneys
24:52wow you were so over hot you started pronouncing the name of organs again
24:55no
24:56tell that to my liver
25:01Lucy
25:01what exercises were there within yours
25:04there was head football
25:06you did call it head football yeah
25:08head intensity
25:08you reminded me of one of those birds from the 70s
25:11what like that go on top of the pops
25:13yeah on top of the pops
25:17you
25:17Susan you lost me a little bit when you were rolling those little dumbbells on the floor
25:21ah no and that does look deceptive but it's to help get hench wrists
25:29you want to get nice and thick
25:31Julian my observation is none of them involved you doing very much work
25:36oh no there was the pelvic floor
25:39do you want me to tell you what you called them
25:41yes
25:41well the first what you call it stirrups
25:44the third was called the flying homosexual
25:48the fourth was called horsey hamstrings
25:50remember the second was called the one where you were punching me with your feet
25:53punch the
26:02and to the eternal quandary
26:07what I'll need you to do is to justify how you exercising Alex exercised you
26:14we had to get rid of his de heathens
26:20we'll just flip around the last two I was exercising him he was upside down the last one
26:24oh yeah
26:25right I'll just score them
26:27I can't separate Sue Susan and Lucy I don't think
26:32I don't think I deserve that many
26:34all right great
26:35oh
26:37nice
26:38so if I give Lucy two points
26:41I'll give the Susans three
26:43I think there was a variety in the weird exorcism I'm going to give him four points
26:47with Julian I think there were four distinct exercises I'll give him five points
26:51there we go
26:51thank you
26:54do we have something special lined up for our last task Alex
26:58oh we certainly do Greg and for the very first time I'd like to welcome everybody to the taskmaster hotel
27:04thank you
27:29SueAL
27:29do we put these on?
27:31Yeah
27:31kind of confused
27:33okay Alex isn't here oh okay exciting I've got some reservations oh we're busy
27:40Brian O yogurt is in room one which is good that's good do you want me to yeah
27:47give your guest the best service he has 30 minutes his time starts now his time
27:55starts now who's our guest should we go find Alex we go find a mannequin guess
28:00you can come in normally they ah good evening hi can I check in please hotel
28:15taskmaster I know what you two are gonna be like playing together as hotel
28:20managers right up your street I wouldn't be surprised if you opened to B&B on
28:27and the other group I imagine it's a case of Uncle Julian managing the two
28:31lunatics okay so first up let's see how Susan and Sue do it being hoteliers I put to
28:40room so if I could check in that'd be great yeah are you mr. Brian O yogurt why do you
28:45think I'm mr. Brian O yogurt well I don't think that but we just had a mistake sir what
28:49is your name sir Chris Chris Chris what's your surname tough works is okay how do you spell that t
28:55-u-b-w-x-y-z
28:59how do you spell cross qr-s I don't we have it here here we have room 13 room 13
29:05okay
29:09I'm here room 13 right we'll just bring your backs in as well lovely thank you very much thank you
29:15thank
29:16you so much thank you okay you've worked in the hospitality industry I have yeah I think he's
29:22gonna ring us that's what I think check check this is these different rooms right these are different
29:28rooms yeah should we ring and see if he's okay no that's that's oppressive well done hello to us
29:35Moscow hotels who speaking oh hello Sue it's Chris tough works is in room 13 I was hoping to order
29:40some room service if that's all right absolutely have you got the menu do you know what you'd like
29:44it's a hot cucumber sandwich and a glass of milk thank you bye-bye cucumber surf between two warm
29:51slices of bread okay yep got you got you do you think you'd like butter oh hello Taskmaster Hotel how
30:01may I help you when I booked I asked for a room with a view and all I can see
30:05is a hedge I would love a
30:07better room I can double check and see whether room 20 is free that's a much nicer view I think
30:13well that would have been nice to have been in that to begin with if I'm honest I'm ever so
30:16sorry sir
30:17I have been waiting for quite some time for the food so I prefer Alex okay
30:37you
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