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Taskmaster - S16E09 - Fagin at the Disco [Full Movie] [High Quality]Full EP - Full
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00:05İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
00:43İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
01:26İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
01:30İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
01:33İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
01:35İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
01:38İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
01:38Evet.
01:38Evet.
01:38Evet.
01:38Evet.
01:39Evet.
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01:41Evet.
01:42Evet.
01:42Evet.
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01:49Evet.
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01:55Evet.
02:02Evet.
02:03İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
02:33Evet.
02:40Evet.
02:42Evet.
02:58Evet.
03:28Evet.
04:02Evet.
04:03Evet.
04:17Evet.
04:20Evet.
04:20Evet.
04:22Evet.
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07:59Evet.
08:04Evet.
08:05Evet.
08:06Evet.
08:07Evet.
08:07İngiltere şarkı bir şarkıya dolu.
08:08İçim yorumlar.
08:10İçim yorum yorum yaparısı.
08:11Teşekkürler.
08:11İçim yorumları.
08:13Çok neymiş.
08:15Şarkı bir şarkı.
08:19EtimWhat.
08:20Şarkı bir şarkı.
08:21Şarkı.
08:21Kovalıca.
08:22Öğrenç.
08:23Öğrenç.
08:24Öğrenç.
08:25Öğrenç.
08:35Öğrenç.
08:37İlkOhrenç.
08:49İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
09:07Can you drive, Sam?
09:08You can drive people crazy.
09:10Do you have a licence?
09:11No, I only have a licence, Alex.
09:13I am a member of the Advanced Motorists Association.
09:16So stick that in your pipe.
09:19Drive. That's good. The first word.
09:21Drive across the finish line.
09:25You must obey all the rules of the road.
09:26You must only stop your vehicle at a traffic signal.
09:33If you disobey a rule, Alex will blow his whistle
09:37and you must return to the start.
09:39Back here. Back here.
09:41For a ten-second driving lesson.
09:43Fastest wins.
09:44Your time starts when the traffic signals first change.
09:49So I'm going to teach you about this vehicle.
09:51Right.
09:52This is the horn.
09:54Alex.
09:55Sorry.
09:57No, no, but not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Yep.
09:59The lesson hasn't quite finished or started.
10:02It goes up to ten miles an hour.
10:04Oh, I'm going to push this bitch.
10:06I'm going to push it.
10:07I'm not entirely clear about these signals.
10:09No.
10:10I'm assuming red means stop.
10:12No.
10:13It doesn't.
10:13No.
10:14You start when the traffic signals change.
10:16OK.
10:26There were things that surprised me about the intro.
10:29I'm going to push this bitch.
10:32That's the reason it took 14 years to get the licence.
10:37Julian, you're an advanced driver.
10:39Well, my father was a traffic policeman,
10:42so he knew about this organisation.
10:44They teach you how to drive extra safely
10:47and you get a sticker to put in your car.
10:50But can you also do doughnuts in a car park and stuff?
10:53I have been known.
10:58Things that didn't surprise me.
11:00Sam and Lucy can't drive
11:01and Radha sits on the front of trains
11:03and pretends she's the driver.
11:06I'm happy to see their attempts.
11:08So, neither of these two have a licence
11:10and neither of them should ever have a licence.
11:12It's Lucy and it is also Sam.
11:14Here we go.
11:15You can start when the traffic signals change.
11:17Right.
11:28What's up?
11:31Please come back for a driving lesson.
11:38Hello, Sam.
11:39How are you?
11:40Welcome to your first driving lesson.
11:47Hello, Lucy.
11:48You clearly didn't obey the amber signal there.
11:51I don't know what it means.
11:52Well, amber means to activate your brushes.
11:54What does red mean?
11:55You've got two seconds left.
11:56Red means go.
11:56Off you go.
12:11You did very well with the brushes that time,
12:12but then you hit the purple one.
12:14And, of course, that purple you must get out of your vehicle,
12:16walk round it and get back in it and carry on.
12:19What's green mean?
12:20Green.
12:21Wait.
12:21For three seconds.
12:22Off you go.
12:22Ready to go.
12:23Go, go, go.
12:32Blue means you have to come back to the previous signal and then carry on.
12:35Oh, yeah, yeah.
12:36What's yellow?
12:37Yellow means you've got to beep your horn and carry on.
12:38We're getting there.
12:39Yeah.
12:40Oh, bye-bye.
12:42What the hell?
12:43You've failed to activate your brushes.
12:48Orange means go.
12:49No.
12:50Ah!
12:52Should I come back on foot?
12:54If you want.
12:55Hello, Lucy.
12:56Turn them on.
12:57Purple is spin.
12:58Obviously, I would be able to do it if I had that with me.
13:01You want my piece of paper?
13:02Yeah.
13:06Lovely.
13:09Very good.
13:12Very good.
13:25I've stopped the clock.
13:32What?
13:32You're not allowed to stop unless you're next to a traffic signal.
13:35Can you come back for a driving lesson, please?
13:37What the hell?
13:38That was good.
13:40What happens if this goes forever?
13:42Don't you have other things to film?
13:57Thank you, sir.
13:58You should be ashamed.
14:00You should be ashamed.
14:02You should be ashamed.
14:06Well, firstly, you enjoyed your flashing blue hat and your authority too much, didn't you?
14:10I enjoyed it a lot.
14:11You did?
14:12Hello in his little whistle.
14:14What a knob.
14:15Now, Lucy, and I say this only in driving terms, I think there's something wrong with you.
14:22That's what the instructor said.
14:25Sir, you seemed very annoyed when you were called back at one point.
14:29Yes, I think I know what you mean.
14:30It's this bit.
14:36WHISTLE BLOWS
14:37He kept whistling and the authority figure, his hat was pissing me off, man.
14:42Yeah.
14:42And he was smirking and he was nasty.
14:45He's a spiteful little shit, isn't he?
14:47Ooh, they're not doing my task right.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:51He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds.
14:54Is that good?
14:55No.
14:57Lucy, 24 minutes and 30 seconds.
14:59They're pretty similar times, but Lucy's in the lead at the moment.
15:01Well done, Lucy.
15:03APPLAUSE
15:05Over that time, it's a real opportunity to practise mindfulness.
15:09Close your eyes and breathe.
15:11Then make a list of all the things you haven't done.
15:13Jesus, you're behind.
15:14Get up.
15:14Panic.
15:15No-one thinks you're up to the job.
15:16Argh!
15:20APPLAUSE
15:28Hello!
15:29Hello again.
15:30Welcome to part two of Taskmaster, where our Canadians are learning the Taskmaster rules of the road.
15:36Yes, Greg, it's our way or the highway code.
15:39We've seen Sam and Lucy now for Sue Perkins and our resident advanced motorist, Mr Julian Clary.
15:45Off we go.
15:50Sorry, Julian.
15:51Would you mind coming back for a driving lesson?
15:57Hello, Julian.
15:58Hello.
15:58Did I do something wrong?
16:00So, you failed to obey the amber signal, which is, of course, activate the brushes.
16:04And red means?
16:04Go.
16:05Blue.
16:05Blue means return to the previous signal and obey that signal as well.
16:09OK.
16:12I'm returning.
16:13Yeah, I knew it.
16:15Do you have a pen?
16:16Father taught me to drive.
16:17Really?
16:18I passed on my 17th birthday.
16:20Oh.
16:20Happy days.
16:21Happy birthday.
16:23I, um...
16:24Well, enough about you.
16:25Yeah, OK.
16:27Let's go.
16:31Oh, dear.
16:33I can't read my own hands!
16:36Oh, don't...
16:38So annoying!
16:40Bye-bye.
16:41Bye.
16:42Activate brushes.
16:49All right, so far?
16:50Really nice.
16:51Really nice.
17:02I don't want it to end!
17:10I've stopped the clock!
17:16What was yellow?
17:18Ten-second driving lesson, please.
17:32Ten-second driving lesson, please.
17:36APPLAUSE
17:38I'm not sure, in the history of this show, we've ever had such a chillingly calm meltdown.
17:44It's not that...
17:44It just smelt freedom.
17:47It was like a lightbulb filament burnt out.
17:50And then, nah, I'm out.
17:52It's not for me.
17:54I mean...
17:55All that blowing...
17:56I don't know how long I was there for, but it was a long time.
17:59Well, it wasn't that long.
18:02Thirteen minutes.
18:04You've got a shorter fuse than you thought, Julian.
18:07He was the only one there to talk to.
18:09Oh, God.
18:10Awful.
18:11So, Julian gets no points, but, you know, what a glorious crash and burn.
18:15It's all worth it.
18:17Sue, I've just realised that whatever we've asked you to do for this whole series,
18:21you look like it's your job.
18:23I'm really pittable, that's the thing.
18:25I'm told to do something, I go, absolutely, and then I'm just it.
18:27You really did push that bitch.
18:29No!
18:30She was an exhausted bitch by the time.
18:34She pushed the bitch.
18:37For a total of 11 minutes and 43 seconds.
18:39Wow!
18:43Who's next?
18:44Here is Susan on the sweep.
18:52What do I do?
18:54Please come back for a driving lesson.
18:56Oh, my God!
18:56All right.
19:01Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
19:07Wait, wait, wait, hang on, wait, wait, I've got it.
19:09Everyone calm down.
19:11Good.
19:11No, stop, stop, stop!
19:15I'm sorry, I need to kill you.
19:17I'm so sorry.
19:19Why does it keep doing that?
19:21Why does it do that?
19:22Oh, my God!
19:27Oh, my God!
19:28Oh, my God!
19:29Oh, my God!
19:31Oh, my God!
19:32Welcome to your first driving lesson.
19:33Unfortunately, you didn't obey the amber signal.
19:35Amber, of course, means you have to activate your brushes.
19:38Bye.
19:47Please come back for a driving lesson.
19:48What?
19:48No, no, wait!
19:49Well, I need to tell you what blue does.
19:52Lovely means to wait.
19:53Blue means to come back to the previous set of signals.
19:55Off you go.
19:56What does yellow mean now?
19:58It means you have to come back for a driving lesson.
20:00Careful.
20:05Yellow has beat the horn and carry on.
20:07Right, bye!
20:07Bye-bye!
20:11And do I kick them off?
20:21I've already got it on, so I just carry it on.
20:23I'm going.
20:24I'm bloody going.
20:26You can't stop me!
20:28You can't stop me!
20:33We got there.
20:38Well, here's a sentence I never thought would be said out loud.
20:42You're a worse driver than Lucy Beaumont.
20:46Well, I don't have a driver's licence and...
20:48No way!
20:49No, no, no!
20:50I had so much fun.
20:52Oh, good!
20:53Yeah.
20:54Especially when I nearly killed one.
20:56Didn't I hit that thing twice?
20:57Twice.
20:58The thing with the man behind?
20:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:00She didn't fulfil the task.
21:02She learnt really quickly.
21:04So, at first, you were turning left,
21:05but not understanding why it went left.
21:08But you managed to time it better than anyone else with the flag.
21:11So, you did it in 13 minutes, 50 seconds.
21:14Oh, God, that's...
21:14Oh, wow!
21:17It was amazing.
21:19But it means Sam gets two points, three for Lucy, four for Susan,
21:22but Sue Perkins gets five points!
21:24There we are!
21:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:27And a scoreboard, please.
21:28Maximum points at the moment goes to Sue Perkins in the lead with ten.
21:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:35May we have another task, please, Felix?
21:37Yes!
21:37And it's another one that really is just for you, Greg.
21:41GASP
21:41GASP
21:42GASP
21:58Hello.
21:59Oh, hi, Susan.
21:59Oh, hi.
22:03Hi, Sam.
22:04Ooh, there's something in your pigeon hole.
22:06GASP
22:06GASP
22:07GASP
22:08That's proper 50.
22:09GASP
22:14Coin fever, hey?
22:16Make Greg the best gift.
22:18You have five minutes to order your items, then 15 minutes to make your gift.
22:25Your items must cost no more than 50 pounds.
22:28I will need that money.
22:30So I've got to pick these up like an animal.
22:33OK, your time starts now. Right.
22:35OK.
22:40Have you thought of anything you want me to buy yet?
22:42Yeah.
22:43OK.
22:44Shall I tell you?
22:45Yes, please.
22:50Can you get me a box?
22:52Corrugated cardboard.
22:53Something furry, fluffy.
22:55A blanket.
22:59What colour?
23:00Brown.
23:02And if there's any Mr Sheen spray and a duster, if you can afford that as well.
23:08I'd like a hairdryer.
23:09Nothing with nuts.
23:11The craziest straws that you can see.
23:13So that's up to about eight pounds now, do you think?
23:15You've got 30 seconds and probably about two pounds left to spend.
23:18Let's put some little sweets in.
23:20Maybe he's a crisps.
23:20I think he might be a crisps man.
23:22For every wish, yeah.
23:24We're going to spoil him.
23:25Cheap crisps.
23:26Cheap crisps.
23:27Because then we can have a few.
23:28Yeah, like that.
23:30Cheap crisps.
23:31OK.
23:31Will you open?
23:32OK.
23:33Yeah, I'm going to the shop.
23:34Whatever's left over, just buy yourself something.
23:36Right.
23:38All right.
23:39You've got 15 minutes to create your gift for Greg Davis.
23:42Fabulous.
23:46Is it appropriate to call him sir?
23:48Definitely.
23:51It sort of looks like you know what you're doing.
23:52I don't.
23:53Wear this one.
23:55Yeah.
23:55And then I'd like you to come out naked.
23:56Look at that.
23:57Let's know.
23:58Yeah.
23:59I'm sorry I started this.
24:01Yeah.
24:02And you finished, do you?
24:03Yeah.
24:03Yeah.
24:04This is really good, by the way.
24:06You want me to pass it on?
24:08Yeah.
24:08I've got a real feeling this is going to be quite wonderful.
24:13We sort of set Sam up there a little bit by giving him coins where everyone else had a note.
24:18Yeah.
24:18But I think we set him up because we always know he's going to say something amazing.
24:22And I just loved coin fever, eh?
24:26Why did you have an orange tie on?
24:28I was under instructions to spend whatever money was left over on something for myself.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34I'm very excited by all of these.
24:36Well done for the sir thing.
24:38It puts me in mind of my teaching days.
24:40I thought it might.
24:41Advert time.
24:42A wise man once said, never a borrower nor a lender be.
24:46And did that guy have an air fryer or a soda stream?
24:49No.
24:49What a loser.
24:50Apply for a new credit card immediately.
24:52The neighbours are talking about you.
24:54LAUGHTER
25:07Hello.
25:09Welcome back to Taskmaster.
25:11Well, I've been a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex?
25:14Such a patient boy, Greg, but the waiting is about to pay off.
25:17Are you ready?
25:18Yes.
25:19Let's go and get your presents.
25:20Come on.
25:22APPLAUSE
25:26Happy birthday, Greg.
25:27Present time.
25:28Yes.
25:29Let's start this end.
25:30This one is from Mr Julian Clary.
25:33Do you remember the box he made?
25:34Yes.
25:34Enjoy.
25:36Oh, that is a lovely box with pink spots on it.
25:41This could change your life.
25:43Oh.
25:44Oh, God.
25:49Oh, God.
25:51That is...
25:53There's more.
25:53Oh.
25:55What's that?
25:55Polish?
25:57Oh.
25:59Julian's written, have fun, in the bottom.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:02This is what the...
26:04Shorts.
26:05Oh, God.
26:07I mean, you know, it's getting to the time where I should consider retiring,
26:11so why don't I go out with a bang and put this on?
26:14Thank you for my...
26:17Gimp costume?
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18OK, second present.
26:20This is from Susan Wakoma.
26:23Oh.
26:24Oh, I like that.
26:25Homemade.
26:26Oh, that is nice.
26:27I think you should put it on.
26:29Pop that on.
26:30Get that on, yeah?
26:31A more cynical man would say this was just some crudely cut pieces of material...
26:36..that have been glued onto a fur coat.
26:38No, no, you've been mistaken.
26:40Do you want to go out to the fur?
26:41Oh.
26:41Look at that, look at that!
26:42Give it a spin!
26:45APPLAUSE
26:49Pop these on.
26:50Yeah!
26:53They're nice.
26:54Yeah.
26:55They're nice present so far, aren't they?
26:57Honestly, they do feel quite nice.
27:01Lucy Beaumont's...
27:02Den.
27:04Oh.
27:06That's quite clever, though, because I do like a den.
27:08Well, you can hide in there waiting for your victims.
27:12LAUGHTER
27:13There's a trailer crisps, you know, where someone might go,
27:16Ooh, crisps!
27:16And then they'll come in the den and then you can get them.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:20Can you fit in there, OK?
27:22Oh.
27:28Let's see, shall we?
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31Oh, you're going in backwards.
27:33Yes.
27:34Do you like the present, Greg?
27:37No.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41Bit more delicate, this one.
27:42This is, er, from Sam Campbell.
27:45All for you.
27:47Oh.
27:48What is, at the bottom of the bucket, there's snow.
27:51I mean, I have to say, this is Sam's actual credit card.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:55So, that's incredible.
27:57Yeah, it's a gentleman's basket.
28:00What was I thinking?
28:02Well, I thought when we saw you were so stylish,
28:03I know you're going to start dressing like Fagin at a disco.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:10Last one.
28:11And now you can enjoy a lovely bit of art.
28:15Oh!
28:16Is that you? That's you.
28:18Yeah, we did that in the garden.
28:19There's a version on the back with the artist in the frame.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:23I just wanted you to see Alex in a more aesthetic, romantic,
28:28perhaps even sexual way.
28:30Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful.
28:32Which is your least favourite gift, Greg?
28:34I don't want to give any of them one point.
28:36Right.
28:37I'm going to give two points to Sam's gentleman's basket
28:40because I think, well, it's insane.
28:43Lovely stuff.
28:44And I think I'm going to give three points to Susan's coat.
28:49Do you know why?
28:50I can imagine.
28:51It's rubbish.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:54I'm going to give four points to Lucy's crisp den,
28:58and I'm going to give four points also to Julian's rubber outfit
29:02because it's just something I've never considered before.
29:05LAUGHTER
29:05And I'm going to give five points to this beautiful painting
29:08of my favourite man in the world.
29:09Aww.
29:10Aww.
29:10Well, there we go.
29:11Sue Perkins wins the task!
29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:14Let's go right down.
29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:18Shall we try for another?
29:19Yes, please.
29:20OK, Greg.
29:21Here is some more clowning about.
29:38MUSIC PLAYS
29:44Hello!
29:45Hello there.
29:46Oh, that's a creepy clown.
29:49Don't go any closer to the clown.
29:50I don't want to.
29:51It's a clown.
29:51Good.
29:52OK, here we go.
29:53Feed the clown the most cards.
29:57No part of you must cross the threshold of the stage.
30:01BUZZER
30:03This is the stage.
30:04Don't go any closer than that.
30:04Exactly.
30:06Even if a hair goes over it.
30:08BUZZER
30:08You have ten minutes.
30:09Your time starts now.
30:11APPLAUSE
30:13Pretty straightforward.
30:15Get the cards into the clown's mouth.
30:17Mm-hm.
30:17Do not cross the threshold.
30:19And I will be ruthless on this.
30:21I think we should just get on with it.
30:22OK, well, let's begin, as we so often have,
30:25with Lucy and Susan.
30:28I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying.
30:33Cool!
30:34Have you got a fishing rod and a magnet?
30:38What I've got is a shed.
30:39I'll try it again, just so that we're all aware
30:41that this is not how we're going to do this.
30:45Useless.
30:47Hello, Lucy.
30:48Hiya.
30:48You got a plan?
30:49Yeah.
30:50Yeah.
30:53All right, so we've done that.
30:54Yeah, I've done that.
31:06That was about six.
31:08Do you mind telling me your plan?
31:09I want to see if you'll, erm...
31:12if you'll sit on there.
31:13I don't mind sitting on a sledge.
31:14I can't cross the threshold.
31:21Can you cross the threshold?
31:23Yeah, I can. I can do what I want.
31:24Can you get me all the cards, please?
31:25No, thank you.
31:26No, thank you.
31:26What?!
31:27I don't really like clowns.
31:29No, nobody does, do they?
31:31I'm just going to give you this card.
31:33You might need to just shuffle forward a bit.
31:36I won't be putting them in the clown's mouth.
31:38You won't be?
31:39I don't think so.
31:41Right.
31:42Hmm.
31:43May I go in the shed, please?
31:45Thanks.
31:48Oh.
31:49I mean, there's nothing in here.
31:52Well, no, that's cos that's not the shed.
31:55Why am I sitting on a sledge?
31:57I was going to push you if you needed me to.
31:59OK.
32:01No.
32:03You were fine.
32:04Just.
32:04Was I?
32:05Yep.
32:06I'm over it.
32:08I've got a feeling this isn't the best way, but I don't know...
32:12I'm sort of committed to it.
32:14I don't know any other way now.
32:23Well, there are some cards in the clown's mouth.
32:27APPLAUSE
32:31What's great about Taskmaster is that people sometimes try a method,
32:35but then they evolve as the task goes on.
32:37Not in Susan's case.
32:39No, no, no.
32:40It was just the throw the cards, route one.
32:42Yep.
32:43Throw the cards into the clown's mouth.
32:44Yep.
32:45How many did you get in?
32:46Was it three?
32:47How many did you get in?
32:48Actually, twelve.
32:49Oh, was it twelve?
32:50Four insanity.
32:51That's pretty good.
32:52Well, that's a disappointing start.
32:55You thought no-one would be worse than that.
32:58You would have thought.
32:59Hello, Lucy.
33:01Hi.
33:01Why were you wearing two hats?
33:03I think just cos they were in there.
33:06Yeah, pop them on.
33:07Fine.
33:07Perfect answer.
33:08Probably the same reason that when Susan failed,
33:11she maniacally laughed.
33:13Lucy.
33:14Did you really think you could use a leaf blower
33:16to blow that card into the clown's mouth?
33:19Yeah.
33:19Yeah, she did.
33:20Cos when a blower leaves at her...
33:21Into a clown's mouth.
33:22Well, I mean, they go...
33:23They go really far.
33:24They go miles.
33:25Yeah.
33:28So it's twelve and zero to beat.
33:30Who's next?
33:30We're going to see Sam Clownbull and Julian Clowney.
33:33Fine?
33:34Yes.
33:34Here we go.
33:42I've got an idea.
33:44OK.
33:46I need some string.
33:47Am I allowed to go back into the house?
33:48Oh, all the information's on the task, Sam.
33:52If I look in the shed, might I find some elastic bands?
33:55It's a really nice shed.
33:56Do you come with me or not?
33:57Do I go on my own?
33:58That's up to you.
33:59You come with me.
34:00Great!
34:02Is this your stage persona or is this what you're like?
34:05I don't know what you mean.
34:13Why did you do that?
34:15Just to test my thrust.
34:17How was your thrust?
34:18Yeah.
34:20You've done this before.
34:30Oh, fuck!
34:31Fuck!
34:35What I want to do is just shove the whole thing in.
34:38Oh, I see.
34:39Oh.
34:39Oh.
34:40No.
34:42Oh, I can still get it in now then.
34:55That's in the clown.
34:56That's what you wanted?
34:58There's still one card not in.
35:00Erm, have I got time to go and get a broom or something?
35:03You've got two minutes.
35:04I'll go on my own this time.
35:06OK.
35:07I'll miss you.
35:08How lucky did I get with that little bit, the lip?
35:11Really lucky, Sam.
35:13Oh, no.
35:13Oh, no.
35:13Oh, no.
35:13Oh, no.
35:16Are you giving me some sort of countdown?
35:18Do you want it to be dramatic?
35:20Well, let's see how dramatic you are.
35:22You've got 45 seconds left, Julian.
35:26Oh, now I've done it.
35:28Oh, well, I give up.
35:29I don't...
35:31..remind about the last card.
35:40Thanks, Sam.
35:42That's the end of the time.
35:43Thank you.
35:44Thank you.
35:45It's nice to go to the show with you.
35:46You're not the first.
35:51Sam.
35:51My feeling was that probably when you did that successful power throw
35:56of the cards, that you ran off and you just kept running for days.
36:00Erm, incredible.
36:02It must have been quite a rush.
36:03This woman came to my school.
36:05She died but she came back to life and she came in to tell us about it
36:09because she said she saw God and he was a giant pink crystal
36:11and that's how that felt.
36:17Cheers, Sam.
36:19Julian, your system worked really well.
36:21The only question I've got really is why did you mount the cards
36:23like two feet from the top of the rod?
36:25Well, I think there was something wrong with that rod.
36:28It wasn't quite as euphoric an experience for me as your brush with God.
36:34To me, it was just a packet of playing cards and a rusty old clown's mouth.
36:39Yes.
36:40It didn't make you think of a rebirth and crystals, no?
36:44Not at any point.
36:46No.
36:46You know, so Julian still had time to get that last card.
36:49He didn't get it, which meant he got 51 in, whereas Sam got 52.
36:53The full 52 cards.
36:54That one card was the difference.
36:56We've reached the end of part three once more.
36:59The prizes today include a sellotaped leaf, a cassette tape
37:02of a national insurance number and some mouse droppings.
37:05And yet, you will still watch.
37:08You will still watch.
37:24Hello.
37:26Welcome back to the final part of the show,
37:28where there's a big old clown head that still needs feeding.
37:31Oh, dear. Hungry, are you?
37:34LAUGHTER
37:38No, I suppose you mean the clown head in the current task.
37:41The last person to launch is Sue Perkins.
37:44These are the most funnily things I could find,
37:46but I think they might mean I have to cross the threshold.
37:50Right, OK.
37:52That's not going to work.
37:53I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things.
38:00Yeah, we're running out of cards, so...
38:02So, launch plan C, is it now?
38:03Can I bring the clown nearer me?
38:05As long as you don't cross that threshold.
38:07Right.
38:07How's it going, Sue?
38:08Is there any gaffer tape in the shed?
38:10Yes, would you like me to get it for you?
38:11Oh, thanks so much.
38:13Also, if you find anything longer than this, that'd be great.
38:15You've got five minutes left.
38:17No!
38:39Take that, you hungry clown.
38:42Are there more cards?
38:43Oh!
38:45Oh!
38:49Hello, Sue.
38:51Hello.
38:51How long have I got?
38:52You've got 30 seconds.
38:53Oh!
38:56Is there another whole packet?
38:57Yeah.
38:59The classic 72.
39:00The classic 72.
39:02Is it 72?
39:06Thanks, Sue.
39:08Classic 72, mate.
39:09It's the classic 72.
39:10Added to the 87 that were there.
39:12We're talking big numbers.
39:17What did you think the classic 72 was?
39:19One pack or two?
39:21I thought it was one pack.
39:22And it's just the way I said the classic 72.
39:24And I just went, 72.
39:25And then I just thought, I have just become the biggest cock on all.
39:29The plan works a treat.
39:31You've got the classic 72.
39:32Oh, don't you?
39:33Thank you.
39:33I do need to show you some more stuff.
39:34Oh, there's a but, isn't there?
39:36I think we all felt there might be.
39:37It was actually a birthday card.
39:41He's excited because he's going to crush me again.
39:43Let's see what the dream crusher's got in store.
39:46That's what my children call me.
39:48OK, here we go.
39:49I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things.
39:52Yeah, wash that hand.
39:54I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying.
39:59Cool.
40:00Mmm.
40:15The dream crusher.
40:18That's fingertip cruel, mate.
40:20He's right.
40:21It's fingertip cruel, mate.
40:23You look so nice, but underneath it all, you're just a shit.
40:27Oh, that is.
40:28That's awful.
40:29But rules are rules, unfortunately.
40:31Yeah, it means Julian Clary was the only one who completed the task.
40:34Wow.
40:35Oh, really?
40:3651 cards.
40:36And you would have won the task if you hadn't done anything at all.
40:38Well done.
40:41So, look at the scores.
40:42The winner so far is Sue with 15 points.
40:48Oh, can you please stay where you are
40:51while Alex and I make our way to the stage...
40:55..for the final task of the show!
41:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:04Hello there.
41:05Who will be reading the task out?
41:06It's me.
41:07OK.
41:10Ahem.
41:11Watch Alex's parade.
41:14Ooh.
41:15Then answer the questions.
41:17Most correct answers wins.
41:21You may not make any notes during the parade.
41:25Let the parade commence.
41:27And here he comes.
41:29The furry watsit.
41:31Oh, he's wearing a lollipop person's outfit.
41:35I remember my lollipop lady when I was a boy, Mandy.
41:39She was an angry lady who hated children.
41:44Ooh.
41:45Here he comes again.
41:48Born in 1972 and found as a baby in a car park in Natwich.
41:54Alex is now dressed as a doctor,
41:56which is ironic as he's currently suffering from ugly hemorrhoids.
42:02Ooh.
42:04Who's Alex?
42:05He's Alex the handyman.
42:07He could fix your immersion heater
42:10or do a very workmanlike strip at a hen-do.
42:14But in real life he couldn't do anything like that
42:17because he's had a soft upbringing and he's incompetent.
42:22Ooh, who could this be?
42:23Who ordered the limp white meat?
42:27The limp white meat?
42:29No.
42:30That's just Alex the chef.
42:32He's always unappetising and when he eats he has to shut his eyes
42:37because he can only open one orifice at a time.
42:41There he is again, as a magician.
42:46Alakazam!
42:47Wow.
42:47He can literally turn any situation into a lifeless vacuum.
42:52What's his magician's name?
42:54Why?
42:55It's the mysterious bacteriosis.
43:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:05Wow!
43:06He's got legs!
43:07Look at his legs!
43:09Look at it!
43:10Right, it's time for the parade test.
43:13You may now pick up your blackboards and pens.
43:16Question one.
43:19What three-word phrase did I use to describe Alex's chef character?
43:27Julian.
43:28Limp white meat.
43:30Lucy.
43:31Swirling meat man.
43:32I don't remember telling you my stage name.
43:39Sam.
43:39A good bloke.
43:42Sue.
43:43I got the wrong character so I said kill any vacuum.
43:47Yep.
43:49Susan.
43:50My mind was sort of nearly their soft white meat I got.
43:54Very close.
43:55Yeah.
43:55And no cigar.
43:58Question two.
44:00In what year was Alex born according to me?
44:05Julian.
44:071972.
44:08Lucy.
44:08He was born in 2015, our 1800s.
44:13Absolutely incredible.
44:15Sam.
44:161984.
44:18Sue.
44:191972.
44:20Susan.
44:211972.
44:22Well done.
44:24Question three.
44:25What was my magic word?
44:30Julian.
44:32Alakabaz.
44:33Ah.
44:34Lucy.
44:35Cheesecake.
44:38What's that?
44:40Alakazam.
44:41Sue.
44:42Alakazam.
44:43Susan.
44:44Alakazam.
44:44Very close, Julian.
44:46Very close.
44:48Question four.
44:49What couldn't handyman Alex fix?
44:52What couldn't he fix?
44:54Julian.
44:55Big end.
44:58Lucy.
44:59His tripod.
45:02Sam.
45:03His personal wife.
45:05Exciting.
45:06Sue.
45:07Immersion heaters.
45:08Susan.
45:09Immersion heaters.
45:10Wow.
45:12And finally, question five.
45:15What was I holding when Alex took his trousers off?
45:20Julian.
45:21Rubber duck.
45:22Lucy.
45:23A penis, brackets, cock ring, or cheese triangle.
45:28Sam.
45:29The holy bible.
45:33Sue.
45:34Yeah, I guess a duck as well.
45:36Susan.
45:36A duck as well, yeah, yeah.
45:38Seriously?
45:38Yeah.
45:40It was a delicious satsuma.
45:41Oh, magic!
45:42Well, I didn't take any of it in at all.
45:46We know.
45:49So, we'll add all of those and we'll put them onto the final scores.
45:52We'll come down there and join you.
45:54That's the doke club.
45:58APPLAUSE
46:02That's put the cat amongst the pigeons, hasn't it?
46:04Yes, I changed my clothes really fast and you produced a satsuma secretly.
46:07Yeah.
46:08Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get any right but still gets one point for coming fifth.
46:12So, well done.
46:13Aw, thanks.
46:14And that feels like charity.
46:15Yes.
46:16Sam, you got one right, so you get two points for coming fourth.
46:19Julian, you come third, you get three points.
46:22Sue and Susan with suspiciously similar answers.
46:26You both win the task and get five points each.
46:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31And so, the winner of the episode with 20 points is Sue Perkins!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38Sue Perkins wins!
46:40Please go and collect your bits of crap!
46:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:45Just one sweet final to go and one sweet winner tonight.
46:50Sue Perkins!
46:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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