- 4 hours ago
In the Army Now 1994 [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:01See how I just blow those guys? Look, and there's the thing.
00:00:04Look up, look up, look up!
00:00:05No under-
00:00:06Huh?
00:00:09Game over you again!
00:00:11Shouldn't we get back to work?
00:00:12I'm working. Look, I'm testing on new products.
00:00:15What are you so paranoid for anyways? Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
00:00:18Look, Quinn's gonna fire your ass from this place.
00:00:21Do you think I'm scared of that?
00:00:22What is he? Looks like a lurch.
00:00:25I'm Quinn.
00:00:26Are you afraid of him? No.
00:00:28Bones!
00:00:30Quinn's looking for you.
00:00:32I told him you were playing video games.
00:00:34Here, hold this, okay? I gotta do something.
00:00:36Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
00:00:38Bop, bop, bop!
00:01:05This is all for you. See all the money I'm saving?
00:01:09Wow, Quinn, look at you. You're looking fantastic. Is that a new suit?
00:01:12It's gotta be Armando.
00:01:15Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Well, at least you wear it well.
00:01:19Is that brood I smell?
00:01:20What did we say about leaving the sales floor?
00:01:24You told me not to, and I won't. If this place catches fire, I'm selling tape decks to the firemen.
00:01:29You're not selling anything to anybody. That's why we're letting you go.
00:01:33Where?
00:01:33Home.
00:01:34No, no, no, Quinn. Hey, hey, you can't fire me. Come on. I'm a crazy boy. I'm a dedicated crazy
00:01:39boy.
00:01:40Bones, let's not drag this out.
00:01:41No, Quinn, hey, look. Come on, please. I mean, my rent's due. My mom, she needs another tummy tuck. Please,
00:01:47come on.
00:01:47No, Bones. No, not this time.
00:01:49Please, there's a lot of personal things. Please don't let me. Please don't let me go, Quinn. I could be
00:01:54crazier.
00:01:55Let go of my life.
00:01:56I could be totally insane.
00:02:00Bones, let go of my life.
00:02:01Bones, you have a customer waiting.
00:02:05You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn. I have a customer. A customer who evidently asked for me by name.
00:02:15Hi. May I help you, miss?
00:02:16Yes. You sold me this watchman last week, and I'm afraid I have to return it.
00:02:21See, I knew you'd be returning it. It's too small to ruin your eyesight.
00:02:25And besides, I can tell the one you really want is this one.
00:02:27This is our top of the line.
00:02:29Our very best 35-inch projection stereo color monitor with advanced super digital PMP.
00:02:36I'm sorry. That's way out of my price range.
00:02:38Not with our $200 rebate. No money down. 10-month deferred, 64-month layaway plan.
00:02:43You ask yourself, how could it be? Right?
00:02:47Because we're a crazy voice.
00:02:51Sorry, they make us do that.
00:02:52That's a very nice offer, but this is just...
00:02:55Plus this screen, though, it promotes good eyesight.
00:02:58Really?
00:02:59Uh-huh. Four out of five optometrists recommend it.
00:03:03Okay. I'll take it.
00:03:06Okay. Here you go.
00:03:07Fantastic. I'm gonna take this to the cashier, and I'm gonna arrange everything.
00:03:11Thank you very much.
00:03:12Come to the front. You're needed for a carry-out.
00:03:15Huh?
00:03:17Hmm?
00:03:18Come on. Am I not still a crazy boy?
00:03:23That is brute I smell, you pervert.
00:03:30Bones!
00:03:35Come on.
00:03:42Gabriella, you were outstanding.
00:03:44Yeah, right. This is the last time I save your butt. Okay? I work, too, you know?
00:03:49I know. It was an emergency. The guy was about to fire me.
00:03:52Right. It's always an emergency. They better take that TV back.
00:03:55Hey, they're gonna take it back.
00:03:57Now, how about just giving your little Italian sausage man a little kissy-poo?
00:04:03Chad, the U.S. has issued strong warnings that...
00:04:08You are so irresponsible.
00:04:11You should be serious for one minute.
00:04:13It's okay. I'll be serious. Let's get naked.
00:04:17Not now. Not here.
00:04:19Why? Don't you love me anymore?
00:04:21Yes, yes, of course I love you.
00:04:23Yeah, but look, your boss is gonna catch us.
00:04:27I don't care about that perverted fat's on a JCPenney suit.
00:04:32Bones!
00:04:34Jack, turn it off.
00:04:35Turn it off!
00:04:47Well, I can't...
00:04:54I can't believe he actually fired us.
00:04:57Oh, come on. Bones, we blew up 22 TV sets.
00:05:00Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
00:05:01I'm sorry, man. You know, I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all those TVs.
00:05:05No problemo, my friend. I was sick of getting down on my knees for that guy anyways.
00:05:10Whoa. Bones. I had no idea.
00:05:13Begging for my job.
00:05:15You know what, Jack, though? This is amazing. You know what this does?
00:05:18Yeah.
00:05:19This brings us one step closer to the, uh, store.
00:05:23No, no, no. What this does is it brings us one step closer to living in the dumpster.
00:05:27How are we gonna get the rent for the store if we don't have rent for our apartment?
00:05:31Excuse me, can we play through?
00:05:33Yeah.
00:05:35Sorry, we're just...
00:05:36Disgusting.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:42Hey, Army!
00:05:44Navy!
00:05:45Air Force!
00:05:46Marines!
00:05:47No.
00:05:48Did you order a code red?
00:05:51Answer me! Did you order a code red, man?
00:05:54You want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
00:05:57Yay. He's goofing off.
00:06:00Wow, that was my Nicholson impression.
00:06:03Good.
00:06:04I do it sometimes when I play golf.
00:06:08Bones, come on, man.
00:06:09See, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
00:06:11When you join the Army, is it true that you have to give your whole life away?
00:06:14Nah, something like that with us.
00:06:16We're in the reserves.
00:06:18What's that?
00:06:20Let's just get this straight here.
00:06:22After our basic training, we owe you two weeks a year, one week and a month, for which we get
00:06:26paid.
00:06:27And then on top of it, you're gonna throw in $2,500 just for signing up?
00:06:33Basically, yes.
00:06:35Wow.
00:06:36Well, then how come everybody isn't in the reserves?
00:06:39Do people actually know about this stuff?
00:06:42Well, we do try to advertise.
00:06:45Oh, yeah, it's not a job, it's an adventure.
00:06:48No, that's the Navy.
00:06:50The few and the proud?
00:06:51No, that's the Marines.
00:06:53Keep going, going, and gone?
00:06:55No, no, that's the Energizer, buddy.
00:06:58Gentlemen, we're be-all-you-can-be.
00:07:01Yeah.
00:07:02In the Army.
00:07:05You need us, and we need you.
00:07:07It's a win-win situation.
00:07:09I got one more question.
00:07:11Can I get a pen?
00:07:12Oh, no, actually, could we just have a second, uh, amongst ourselves?
00:07:16Certainly.
00:07:17Take all the time you need.
00:07:19Just hold that ballpoint.
00:07:23Whew.
00:07:25This is insane!
00:07:27Why doesn't everybody join when you're listening to him in there?
00:07:30Shh.
00:07:31It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
00:07:34Oh, my God, you're going nuts.
00:07:35Okay, we are the beneficiaries.
00:07:37We get a guaranteed check for eight years and a special skill.
00:07:41A special skill.
00:07:42Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:07:43Look at the payments.
00:07:44Here we go.
00:07:45Land combat missile op.
00:07:48Opportunities.
00:07:48Tactical fire specialist.
00:07:50You heard him talking about combat pay, right?
00:07:52You know, you have to be in combat to get paid for that, right?
00:07:56He said reserves aren't called up unless there's a major conflict.
00:07:59When was the last war, huh?
00:08:01Yeah.
00:08:02World War II?
00:08:02No.
00:08:03Twenty years ago.
00:08:04Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
00:08:06Huh?
00:08:06Desert storm?
00:08:08No.
00:08:08Uh-uh.
00:08:09What?
00:08:10I'm kidding.
00:08:11Give me the brochure.
00:08:12We're going to go to the unemployment office.
00:08:14No, just let me see.
00:08:15Let me just try it.
00:08:16Tank tour repair, land mining specialist, water purification?
00:08:21Water purification.
00:08:23That's it.
00:08:24What?
00:08:25Water purification.
00:08:26I'm telling you it's a snap.
00:08:27My brother's a pool man.
00:08:29Hey, look.
00:08:29You take dirty water and you make it clean.
00:08:32How hard can that be?
00:08:33I don't know.
00:08:34And hey, if there is a war, what are we going to go in there with?
00:08:37Water balloons?
00:08:40That's...
00:08:40I mean, but...
00:08:41But...
00:08:41Yeah.
00:08:42This is for our future.
00:08:44Okay.
00:08:44If we could sign up right now, we'd get a guarantee check for $2,500.
00:08:48A few times that times do you.
00:08:50Wow.
00:08:53That's $6,000.
00:08:56I mean.
00:08:56That's a nice chunk of change.
00:08:57Yeah.
00:08:58But...
00:08:59Hey.
00:09:00This is for our storm.
00:09:03Yeah.
00:09:04Look.
00:09:04I'll even give you first billing.
00:09:06No, you don't have to do that.
00:09:08Jacks and bones and sp...
00:09:10Oh.
00:09:11And Alice's and Rios.
00:09:12I did too much.
00:09:13All right, all right, all right.
00:09:14Oh, let's go.
00:09:15Yes!
00:09:17You get a haircut, you get a real job.
00:09:21You get a real job.
00:09:33You get a real job.
00:09:34You got a try, and nice to...
00:09:37You got a card나 Akamaani.
00:09:39You got a true dream.
00:09:41You got a bad child from age as far.
00:09:47hi um see everybody knows me for my hair okay what i need you to do is just just a
00:09:57little bit
00:09:58on the side not a whole bunch and kind of keep like it so still i'd like to see you
00:10:02in something
00:10:02short but sassy a real 90s look something that works as well on the rifle range as it does in
00:10:07the disco okay that's perfect
00:10:15all right
00:10:16my head i mean look at it does it look bigger than it i mean do i look like a
00:10:37big potato
00:10:37honestly yeah honestly it looks great it really does really really it looks macho all right
00:10:47look at these man look at this army issue see i think those are unique idiotic no those are
00:10:55unique see you're distinctive no one has them really your king all right one of a kind
00:11:00they broke them all when they made you jack
00:11:22moms i can't i can't do it
00:11:27this is just like your childhood remember
00:11:32yeah yeah you're right you're right that guy is exactly like my dad
00:11:36see come on wait a minute though my childhood sucked no i can't do it man i can't i can't
00:11:42handle being
00:11:43yelled at by some muscle-bound drill sergeant no man i can't do it get the hell off the truck
00:11:52oh whoa she can drill me anytime
00:11:56on the double right now come on move it move it
00:12:00hello sweet pants
00:12:02get down here get down
00:12:04rough stuff
00:12:06and take those glasses off
00:12:08what do you think you want some beach or something
00:12:09what's your name private
00:12:11bones car we're reporting for
00:12:13duty sir
00:12:14all right
00:12:15i mean man sergeant whatever
00:12:17you will address me as drill sergeant
00:12:21don't you understand
00:12:25yes but you don't need to yell because look i'm standing right here
00:12:28i'm not yelling at you private drill sergeants do not yell
00:12:31we simply speak in a voice loud enough so everyone can hear
00:12:34that way we all learn from each other's mistakes
00:12:37oh okay thanks for explaining it
00:12:39from here on out your butt is mine
00:12:42you will obey every order
00:12:45without question
00:12:48grunt
00:12:52oh you a funny boy huh
00:12:54cutie pie right
00:12:55well i don't know you but i don't even like you
00:12:57and i make it my personal mission to turn you into a soldier
00:13:00for the next eight weeks i'll be all over your butt like white old rice
00:13:06is that a promise
00:13:09give me 20
00:13:11i want my wallet
00:13:12drop and give me 20
00:13:14i can't hold this
00:13:15boy you better get on that ground and give me them push-ups
00:13:18ah it's been a while
00:13:21all the way up and down right
00:13:24pump
00:13:28is that good
00:13:56get your butt off that rack
00:13:59get your butt off that rack
00:14:08i'm off i'm off i'm off
00:14:11i'm off
00:14:12next hand to the lamb
00:14:14next hand to the lamb
00:14:16all right
00:14:22all right
00:14:23i want to stand the champs up again grassfield
00:14:25happy day running plate
00:14:26but i say go go
00:14:39jack
00:14:42where'd the sun go
00:14:45there is no sun anymore
00:14:46the sun is gone
00:14:51we died and this is hell
00:14:53oh okay thanks for splitting
00:15:00private he's got that weapon around backwards
00:15:14see the picture on the front of this weapon
00:15:20let's put there for privates like you
00:15:25it's idiot proof
00:15:28damn it
00:15:33the gig line runs down the seam of your shirt
00:15:36through the edge of your belt buckle
00:15:38down the seam of your zipper
00:15:39this is a straight gig line
00:15:42see it
00:15:44learn it
00:15:45do it
00:15:52from here on out
00:15:53anyone without a straight gig line
00:15:56will have to answer to me
00:16:02can we
00:16:04what the hell is this
00:16:05just sergeant
00:16:07i guess my gig line needs straightening huh
00:16:12oh
00:16:18thank you just sergeant
00:16:19don't thank me
00:16:21thank your recruiter
00:16:29come on boy come on
00:16:30you can't do it
00:16:31i know you can't do it
00:16:34there are two types of baronet fighters
00:16:36the quick and the dead
00:16:37what are you
00:16:38what are they
00:16:39what are you
00:16:40what are they
00:16:41what are you
00:16:43what are they
00:16:44they need volunteers
00:16:45yeah
00:16:47are you crazy
00:16:49i sure am
00:16:50i'm a crazy boy
00:16:53hello
00:16:55conway
00:16:56yes ma'am
00:16:57come here
00:16:57i'm on my way
00:17:02whoo
00:17:03hi
00:17:04hit me
00:17:04let's not fight
00:17:06come here
00:17:07hit me or you'll be sorry
00:17:09i can't hit you
00:17:10you're a girl
00:17:11you're a girl
00:17:12and i love you
00:17:16you've got two seconds
00:17:17to hit me
00:17:23okay but this is gonna work
00:17:24idiot about it dear
00:17:28oh shit
00:17:29i'm sorry i was just gonna
00:17:31i'm gonna teach you a lesson
00:17:34never
00:17:35never
00:17:36drop
00:17:39you're
00:17:40go
00:17:42oh
00:17:44got it
00:17:45can i please throw up now
00:17:51get up
00:17:52get mad
00:17:53you get mad
00:17:54you get mad
00:17:55now listen to me very carefully private
00:17:57this is exactly the same as practice
00:17:59but this is a real live grenade
00:18:01i want you to do exactly as you've been trained
00:18:03yes joe sergeant
00:18:04when i give the command to execute
00:18:06i want you to drop the pin
00:18:08throw the grenade
00:18:09yes joe sergeant
00:18:10drop the pin
00:18:11throw the grenade
00:18:12yes joe sergeant
00:18:14execute
00:18:18move it
00:18:31thanks joe sergeant
00:18:33you saved my life
00:18:34i owe you one
00:18:35no you owe me
00:18:4850
00:18:50mama mama can't you see
00:18:53mama mama can't you see
00:18:56drill sergeant lab made a man out of me
00:18:59drill sergeant lab made a man out of me
00:19:01and then i will obey the orders of the president of the united states
00:19:06and i will obey the orders of the president of the united states
00:19:09and the orders of the officers appointed over me
00:19:13and the orders of the officers appointed over me
00:19:16according to regulations
00:19:18according to regulations
00:19:20and the uniform code of military justice
00:19:23and the uniform code of military justice
00:19:25so help me god
00:19:27so help me god
00:19:29nice to meet you
00:19:30bye
00:19:31be good
00:19:32take care
00:19:33bye
00:19:34ah it's the uniforms man
00:19:36i know
00:19:38private conway
00:19:43never thought i'd say this but i think i've done the impossible i've turned you into soldiers
00:19:47thank you drill sergeant
00:19:50carry on
00:20:01uh is this uh unit 341
00:20:04that's us soldier
00:20:05hey bones conway here this is my partner jack
00:20:08hi christine
00:20:09nice to meet you look like we'll be working together
00:20:12christine a la gi jane
00:20:14right what brings a pretty little lady like you to water pure
00:20:18i wanted infantry but until they ask that crap about women not being allowed in combat
00:20:23i'll just have to settle for kicking your little butt
00:20:25oh
00:20:27that would be nice
00:20:30heisty one huh
00:20:31like that
00:20:33shut up
00:20:39i'm gonna have to kill your friend
00:20:41hey bones conway
00:20:43hey uh fred austroff good to meet you
00:20:46you okay fred
00:20:47oh man i'm fine yeah
00:20:49thanks
00:20:49thank you
00:20:52so uh what do you do when you don't purify water
00:20:55well i'm going into my uh final year of dental school
00:20:59wow
00:20:59and then now that is great
00:21:01no it's not
00:21:03why
00:21:03did you know
00:21:04that dentists are more feared
00:21:06and loathed than any other profession
00:21:09that's including lawyers
00:21:10no see i don't think people hate dentists
00:21:13it's just the sound of that drill
00:21:15yeah and then they stick that sucking thing in the back of your mouth
00:21:18like this
00:21:18and the nurse says
00:21:20i'll do that
00:21:20and then they jam those cardboard x-ray things
00:21:24and then they
00:21:25and you know when there's
00:21:26you have a cavity
00:21:27and they do that little pointy thing
00:21:31the nurse leaves
00:21:33and she goes to lunch
00:21:35and she dances out there right
00:21:37meanwhile there is a lead apron
00:21:39right
00:21:40on the thing
00:21:40and you're sitting there like
00:21:48see see that's what i'm talking about
00:21:50if you don't want to talk about it it's okay
00:21:52oh no no no it's good
00:21:53we should talk about it
00:21:54because my therapist uh said that i need to get it out
00:21:58kind of like an emotional enema
00:21:59so we talked about it
00:22:01and uh said
00:22:02why not join the army reserve
00:22:04be all that you can be
00:22:05on the weekends
00:22:09maybe it'd help me to
00:22:10face those things
00:22:12in my life
00:22:12that i'm most afraid of
00:22:13and what are you afraid of
00:22:15uh
00:22:17well i'd have to say
00:22:19uh
00:22:19damn near everything
00:22:21floss
00:22:23hey
00:22:23keep it
00:22:29good morning
00:22:30purifying our water
00:22:31is one of the most vital operations
00:22:33in the military
00:22:34it is absolutely vital
00:22:37that you know your equipment
00:22:38inside and out
00:22:47two soldiers must man the hose
00:22:49at all times
00:22:50this is for your own safety people
00:22:53okay
00:22:53never lose control of your hose
00:22:56turn it off
00:23:00turn it off
00:23:05after careful training
00:23:07you will be able to produce potable water
00:23:09from the most disgusting
00:23:11swampy
00:23:11parasite infected
00:23:13diseased water
00:23:14guys
00:23:15look
00:23:16it's our first glass of purified water
00:23:19all right
00:23:21go for it man
00:23:23try it
00:23:23nah
00:23:25i'm not gonna try
00:23:26hey you try it
00:23:27i'm not gonna try it
00:23:29we should get christine
00:23:31yeah
00:23:31she'll taste anything
00:23:37i'm not gonna try it
00:23:40let's get freddy
00:23:42okay
00:23:42oh freddy
00:23:43no thanks
00:23:44i'm allergic
00:23:45it'll make me break out
00:23:48well then who's gonna try it
00:24:07who's the leader of this outfit
00:24:10he is
00:24:12son
00:24:13i've been doing this for a long time
00:24:15and i gotta say
00:24:17this is the best damn glass of purified water i ever had
00:24:21congratulations
00:24:22you keep this up
00:24:23and i'll be putting you in for private first class
00:24:26thank you sergeant
00:24:27but i could not have done it
00:24:29without the inspirational guidance
00:24:31of my brother the pool man
00:24:40we're back honey
00:24:43excuse me
00:24:45gonna go freshen up
00:24:50you're not gonna
00:25:17you're not gonna try it
00:25:17you're not gonna try it
00:25:17you're not gonna try it
00:25:18you're not gonna try it
00:25:18you're not gonna try it
00:25:18you're not gonna try it
00:25:18you're not gonna try it
00:25:48Oh, man.
00:25:49Wait, wait, hold it here a second.
00:25:51Listen, hey, we're in the middle of the party here.
00:25:53You know, your friends might come in.
00:25:54That'd be cool.
00:25:55I don't think so.
00:25:56I think it's very rude if we stay away more than a couple of minutes.
00:25:59Two minutes?
00:26:00It's perfect.
00:26:01We'll have time to cuddle afterwards.
00:26:06Hold that thought.
00:26:09Somebody better be dead.
00:26:11Hello?
00:26:12This is an official message.
00:26:14I saw a flock of wild geese migrating south.
00:26:19I say again, the geese are migrating south.
00:26:23Yeah, well, my goose is about to lay a golden egg.
00:26:26So you're going to have to cruise the south solo, okay?
00:26:29Have a nice flight.
00:26:31Who was it?
00:26:32Someone who's into birds.
00:26:33What?
00:26:33I don't know here.
00:26:34Uh-uh!
00:26:40Look, you saw the goose, I'm the walrus, and tall as dead.
00:26:43And I'm trying to bury my beak here, so give it a rest.
00:26:46All right, that's it.
00:27:01Jack, get the phone.
00:27:03Who is it?
00:27:04Who is it?
00:27:04It's a freak going on about wild geese migrating.
00:27:07Bone!
00:27:12What?
00:27:12No.
00:27:13Christine, don't.
00:27:14Don't.
00:27:15Which way?
00:27:17Who cares?
00:27:18North or south?
00:27:19South.
00:27:21Yes!
00:27:22Yes, yes!
00:27:23What?
00:27:25You guys, don't you remember?
00:27:27About the code?
00:27:30So that if we got called up for active duty, then we would know that it was for real?
00:27:33It's gotta be a mistake.
00:27:35It's gotta be Chad.
00:27:36Hello, Mama?
00:27:38It's Frederick.
00:27:40Uh, you sitting down?
00:27:42Chad is in the African country.
00:27:43The one that Libby's about to invade?
00:27:45Uh, turn off the music.
00:27:50You remember when you told me that every black man should visit the motherland?
00:27:54Bones, why do you think I chose water purification?
00:27:57Is your brother a poor man?
00:27:59No, it's because Chad is in a desert.
00:28:02And water purification is the reserve occupation most likely to be called up if there's a desert war.
00:28:08And there's a desert war, and we're going!
00:28:12That's it, Bones. I'm gonna kill you.
00:28:14Well, go ahead, and you gotta relax here, okay?
00:28:16I'm gonna get us out of this one.
00:28:19Trust me.
00:28:30At ease!
00:28:32Sir, I know we're going to Chad, but there's something that you need to know about Jack and I before
00:28:38we go, sir.
00:28:39Yes?
00:28:41Uh, uh, Bones and I are very close, uh, friends.
00:28:47Very.
00:28:48Oh, I see.
00:28:50In that case, boys, I guess you're not going to Chad.
00:28:57Sorry to disappoint you, sir.
00:29:03Uh, just one thing.
00:29:07Anything.
00:29:10Kiss him.
00:29:12Excuse me?
00:29:14Kiss your friend.
00:29:16You don't have a problem with that, now, do you?
00:29:20Oh, no.
00:29:21Uh-uh.
00:29:22He kisses me every day.
00:29:25Uh-uh.
00:29:41I'll just do it.
00:29:43Uh-uh.
00:29:49Is it hot in Chad?
00:29:51As the Libyan raids against UN forces near the border continue, this U.S. force is being ready to deter
00:29:59the invasion threatened by the Libyan leader in his television broadcast last night.
00:30:04And as the buildup here continues, the first Army Reserve units arrived here today.
00:30:09These units will aid in the supply and logistical support for the growing U.S. presence here.
00:30:14These troops are in high spirits, and the morale is high, and their hopes are high, and this mission will
00:30:20remain a peaceful.
00:30:22Reporting live from Chad for World Wide News Report, this is Stu Krieger.
00:30:44I am 1st Sergeant Brandon T. Williams.
00:30:46It is my intention to run this company like a clock.
00:30:50If one gear slips in my clock, my clock will tell the wrong time.
00:30:54If one spring is loose in my clock, my clock will tell the wrong time.
00:30:581st Sergeant Williams likes his clock to tell the right time.
00:31:00Do you understand me?
00:31:02Yes, Sergeant!
00:31:04What did he just say?
00:31:05I don't know. Something about his clock being broken.
00:31:10Have my words fallen upon deaf ears?
00:31:13Yes, Sergeant!
00:31:15I mean, no, Sergeant.
00:31:17Don't you know I'm your 1st Sergeant?
00:31:21Well, actually, I wish you were my 1st Sergeant, but I already had a couple ones already.
00:31:27Drop! And give me push-ups!
00:31:29You will continue to do push-ups until you learn to address me as 1st Sergeant!
00:31:33Is that clear?
00:31:34Yes, 1st Sergeant!
00:31:36Call!
00:31:361st Sergeant, 2st Sergeant, 3st Sergeant, 4st Sergeant, 5st Sergeant, 6th Sergeant, 7th Sergeant,
00:31:451st Sergeant, 8th 1st Sergeant, 9th 1st Sergeant, 10th 1st Sergeant, 11th 1st Sergeant, 12th 1st Sergeant, 13th 1st Sergeant,
00:31:5514th 1st Sergeant, 123 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st
00:32:02Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124
00:32:021st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant,
00:32:07124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st
00:32:08Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124 1st Sergeant, 124
00:32:15potatoes 6543 for sergeant 6544 for sergeant for sergeant 650 50 452 for sergeant okay
00:32:35shit i lost count
00:32:37we got it we got it we got it look
00:32:39oh
00:32:41that's my butt
00:32:43I couldn't help it
00:32:45you guys get
00:32:46oh
00:32:48oh
00:32:49oh
00:32:58oh look hey
00:33:00it's the sunroof
00:33:20oh
00:33:22look
00:33:22Gabrielle tucked in a little note into my duffel bag
00:33:26oh
00:33:26yeah
00:33:28dear bones
00:33:29by the time you read this I will already be
00:33:33what
00:33:33I will already be in Milan with
00:33:37Guido
00:33:39oh
00:33:39she dumped ya
00:33:42sorry bones
00:33:43I must say though this guy sounds really nice he's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea
00:33:47Jack don't rub it in
00:33:48no no you're better off
00:33:50she's a horrible speller
00:33:52there's only one S in loser look at that
00:33:54and immatureish
00:33:55I don't even think that's a word
00:33:57Gabriella
00:33:59she broke my heart
00:34:01sorry
00:34:01well fortunately I'm too shallow to stay bummed for too long
00:34:08mmm
00:34:09would you mind turn the light off please Jack
00:34:11oh yeah
00:34:13Fred you checked your your bag for scorpions right
00:34:17scorpions
00:34:18he's messing with you Fred
00:34:20no I'm not
00:34:22Chad
00:34:22Chad is the scorpion capital of the world
00:34:25yep Fred they're big ones too about as big as my fist
00:34:28they outnumber people two to one
00:34:30and that margin grows with every sting
00:34:34so have a good sleep Fred
00:34:35good night
00:34:36good night
00:34:37nice to Alan
00:34:39good night John boy
00:34:42scorpions
00:34:45alright
00:34:47sigh
00:34:50sigh
00:34:53sigh
00:34:54I got one
00:34:55I got one
00:34:57I got one
00:34:58I got one
00:34:59I got one
00:35:05I got one
00:35:06I got one
00:35:07I got one
00:35:08ah
00:35:10very funny
00:35:12we're just trying to help you get over your fears Fred really
00:35:16Fred don't worry about it you come and sleep with me
00:35:18yeah well I'd rather take my chances with a scorpion thank you
00:35:25god I hate this
00:35:27it's not that bad
00:35:28it's like camp
00:35:32John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
00:35:35that's my name too
00:35:38whenever we go
00:35:39whenever we go
00:35:41whenever we go
00:35:41there goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
00:35:44John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
00:35:48John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
00:35:49come on
00:35:50that's my name too
00:35:53to
00:35:53to
00:35:53to
00:35:55to
00:35:55to
00:35:55to
00:35:56to
00:36:11to
00:36:11to
00:36:11to
00:36:11to
00:36:11to
00:36:11to
00:36:11to
00:36:11to
00:36:16to
00:36:21to
00:36:22to
00:36:22to
00:36:24to
00:36:24to
00:36:24to
00:36:25to
00:36:26to
00:36:26to
00:36:28to
00:36:28to
00:36:30to
00:36:30to
00:36:36to
00:36:38to
00:36:46to
00:36:50to
00:36:51to
00:36:53to
00:37:06to
00:37:07to
00:37:08to
00:37:10to
00:37:17to
00:37:18to
00:37:23to
00:37:27to
00:37:38to
00:37:42to
00:37:43to
00:37:44to
00:37:45to
00:37:45to
00:37:45you
00:37:52we're
00:37:53in the middle of a war
00:37:57and we're on the same
00:37:59side
00:38:03would
00:38:04America
00:38:05have won the Civil War
00:38:07Or, uh, if Benjamin Franklin did not get along with Eleanor Roosevelt.
00:38:12Right on.
00:38:12A little knowledge.
00:38:14A little knowledge to partay.
00:38:17Go ahead, man.
00:38:19If our soldiers, our American soldiers, acted like this in Desert Storm,
00:38:26Saddam Hussein would still be running Iraq.
00:38:29What?
00:38:35So maybe we're a bunch of reservists fresh off the plane, right?
00:38:38It's obvious.
00:38:40But you regular guys, you've been here so long that your brains are fried.
00:38:44Right.
00:38:45So I guess what I'm really trying to say is...
00:38:48Come on, genius.
00:38:49Come on.
00:38:52That doesn't mean we all can't be friends.
00:38:55Please.
00:38:56There's only one problem with you newbies.
00:38:58Telling the truth, man.
00:39:00You don't eat enough.
00:39:02No, that's...
00:39:05Watch it, son!
00:39:19As you were.
00:39:28I bet the mess sergeant could use a volunteer to peel potatoes.
00:39:33Yes, sir!
00:39:34Can I count on you?
00:39:35Yes, sir!
00:39:37Carry on.
00:39:40I happen to know, on this base, there's not one unpeeled potato.
00:39:58I heard the Libyans are already backing down, and we're going to be out of here in two weeks.
00:40:02Yeah?
00:40:03Well, I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops, and we're going to be here until Christmas.
00:40:07Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
00:40:10Where are you going?
00:40:13Sound like I got bad breath.
00:40:20Help!
00:40:22And until they comply with you and Resolution 991, I don't think anybody's going anywhere.
00:40:29Oh, you're amazing, Christine.
00:40:31How do you keep up with all that stuff?
00:40:36Christine?
00:40:38Christine?
00:40:42All right, quit screwing around.
00:40:46Chris, send some water with this mud.
00:40:56Chris!
00:41:01Jack?
00:41:07Fred!
00:41:13How does it feel to be dead, motor boy?
00:41:18I don't know.
00:41:19How does it feel to be a dick, dick?
00:41:29Damn it!
00:41:30Where's my water?
00:41:31There was none delivered last night, first sergeant.
00:41:37Goddamn piece of shit, newbies.
00:41:40How am I going to run a decent HQ without my coffee?
00:41:48That is truly a pathetic sight.
00:41:51Who perpetrated this?
00:42:00Ow!
00:42:06Who did this to you?
00:42:08I can't tell you, first sergeant.
00:42:10What?
00:42:10You have too much honor?
00:42:12Oh!
00:42:14I've been threatened with death.
00:42:16Untie these clowns!
00:42:18And get me some water!
00:42:19Ow!
00:42:27I have an announcement.
00:42:29Do you guys want your water?
00:42:31Because you're looking a little bit crispy.
00:42:32You better what?
00:42:33Oh, I know, I know, I know.
00:42:35Tell me if this is right.
00:42:36I better call 976.
00:42:38Find a doctor and tag an ambulance,
00:42:40because you're going to tear off my toe
00:42:41and spit down my head, right?
00:42:43Do you guys want your water or not?
00:42:45Sergeant!
00:42:47Report to Captain Roberts.
00:42:48You've got a mission.
00:42:50Water, boys.
00:42:53Report to First Sergeant Williams.
00:42:54You've got a mission, too.
00:42:56Listen up!
00:42:57Captain Denby says we're going to resupply the forward UN peacekeeping base.
00:43:02This is a very simple, routine mission.
00:43:06You will fall into line in a very large, very prepared convoy.
00:43:09All you have to do is follow the truck in front of you.
00:43:13When your troops get thirsty, you will give them water.
00:43:16Conway, you look confused.
00:43:18Are you sure you want to send us to a forward area?
00:43:20We're just water, boys.
00:43:21You are soldiers.
00:43:23You will get in that convoy,
00:43:24and you will be a credit to the United States Army.
00:43:27Is that clear?
00:43:27Yes, First Sergeant!
00:43:29Then muscle your lollygagging bus, we're getting taken.
00:43:31Move out!
00:43:31Yes, First Sergeant!
00:44:01Damn it!
00:44:02Forget it.
00:44:03They're going to send a tow truck.
00:44:08Man, what I wouldn't do for a double meat chili cheeseburger right now.
00:44:13No.
00:44:13A margarita on the rocks.
00:44:18Or some fresh buttery jiffy pop.
00:44:21That's not popcorn, boys.
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:25That convoy's under attack.
00:44:29Really?
00:44:30I don't think so.
00:44:35Maniacs shooting at us!
00:44:37What a maniac is the enemy!
00:44:38What the hell are you doing?
00:44:39Surrendering!
00:44:40Don't shoot!
00:44:41Surrendering!
00:44:45Oh!
00:44:56Nice going, Christine.
00:44:58Did you have to shoot so close, huh?
00:45:00You scared the shit out of me.
00:45:02Well, excuse me for living.
00:45:03I was just trying to save your worthless little life.
00:45:05Christine, are you aware that after a near-death experience,
00:45:09there's often a desire to have sex?
00:45:11Yeah, Jack.
00:45:12That's right.
00:45:13I feel it.
00:45:15All right.
00:45:17Just not with you.
00:45:19Ever.
00:45:20Got it?
00:45:21Yeah.
00:45:22Got it.
00:45:23I'm glad we could have this little talk.
00:45:25I didn't feel anything.
00:45:27You guys, let's get out of here.
00:45:29The truck's on fire!
00:45:44The truck's on fire!
00:45:48Day long!
00:45:49Let's get out of here!
00:45:57Explode.
00:46:00Where's the phone?
00:46:04Hello!
00:46:11Now, rickety-tick, you're mustering lollygaggin'
00:46:14let's lollygaggin' out of here!
00:46:27Isn't the road that way?
00:46:29I'm taking the shortcut.
00:46:31Is there one?
00:46:31Uh-huh.
00:46:32The road curves around like this.
00:46:34All we gotta do is cut the desert here
00:46:37and catch up the convoy over there.
00:46:39Watch out!
00:46:40Come on!
00:46:40I think I know what I'm doing here.
00:46:42I guess this is the wrong time to tell you guys
00:46:44I get very easily cars in.
00:46:46Uh-huh.
00:46:48Yeah.
00:47:02Bones, I don't see a road.
00:47:05I have the best sense of direction of anyone you know.
00:47:08The road's over there.
00:47:10Three miles.
00:47:11Maybe four.
00:47:12Oh, yeah.
00:47:13Maybe ten.
00:47:15Maybe twenty.
00:47:16Maybe our truck is sinking.
00:47:21No!
00:47:39Push!
00:47:42Hey, forget it, okay?
00:47:43Just shut it down.
00:47:44We'll kick it out.
00:47:45Now, stand back.
00:47:46Stand back!
00:47:47I'm gonna rock it!
00:47:54You're quitting.
00:47:54It's not working.
00:47:56You're sucking too much sand into the air filter.
00:47:59I order you to shut it down now.
00:48:02You order me?
00:48:03Yeah, but I'm private first class, okay?
00:48:06I'm ordering you.
00:48:07Come on.
00:48:08The only reason you made private first class
00:48:12is because your brother's a poor man.
00:48:20Huh?
00:48:21You happy?
00:48:22You happy?
00:48:26Yeah, well, I hope you brought your triple-A card.
00:48:29Let's see.
00:48:36Well, look, you cracked the block.
00:48:38I could have done it if you hadn't stopped me.
00:48:40Yeah, you're so full of it.
00:48:42You know what?
00:48:43Shut up!
00:48:44We gotta figure out what we're gonna do!
00:48:46Then why don't you just ask our fearless leader here?
00:48:49Private first class bones,
00:48:51the one with the highest rank.
00:48:52All you had to do, Jack,
00:48:53was just listen to me, okay?
00:48:55I was trying to...
00:48:56All I've ever done is listen to you,
00:48:57and look where it's taken me.
00:48:58Look!
00:48:59We're in the middle of some African hellhole!
00:49:02Under a flesh-frying sun,
00:49:04with the sky filled with vultures,
00:49:06ready to pluck out my eyeballs.
00:49:09Vultures don't come around
00:49:11unless something's about to die.
00:49:13Shh!
00:49:29What are you...
00:49:30Are you ripping the sleeves off your jacket?
00:49:33Oh, that's gonna look sexy.
00:49:36Jack, tomorrow,
00:49:38we have to walk away from this water truck.
00:49:39We have two canteens between us.
00:49:42We're gonna fill up the sleeves
00:49:43of our jackets with water,
00:49:44and then we have more water.
00:49:45Am I the only person
00:49:46who paid attention in survival class?
00:49:48Yeah!
00:49:49Yeah!
00:49:50Yeah!
00:49:50Yeah!
00:49:51Yeah!
00:49:52Yeah!
00:49:52Yeah!
00:49:52There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:54There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:55That's enough!
00:49:57There's not a scorpion on your back!
00:50:01Uh-uh.
00:50:01There is a scorpion on my back!
00:50:04Frank!
00:50:05There's nothing on your back!
00:50:06You keep on imagining things!
00:50:13I needed that.
00:50:16I'm sorry I snapped.
00:50:18Look, you don't have to apologize.
00:50:20You're right!
00:50:22I see things very clear now.
00:50:25All right.
00:50:25Hey, Brad.
00:50:26Look, guys, I want to apologize to everybody.
00:50:28He's okay?
00:50:29He's okay.
00:50:30I feel like a brand new man.
00:50:31All right.
00:50:31Now, can we get some rest?
00:50:33Okay.
00:50:34Okay.
00:50:44What are you doing?
00:50:47Just felt like...
00:50:50He's always playing.
00:50:52Did you guys see that thing?
00:50:54It was...
00:51:04Follow me.
00:51:05I know exactly where I'm going.
00:51:09Trust me.
00:51:35You guys, get down.
00:51:36I see something.
00:51:37Get down!
00:51:49It's a truck.
00:51:50There's the road.
00:51:51We are safe.
00:51:52I told you I had a flawless sense of direction.
00:51:56What a coincidence.
00:51:58That truck looks...
00:52:00It looks like our truck.
00:52:09Hey, listen, you guys.
00:52:10Hey, I figured out why we went in circles.
00:52:14Do you remember our map reading class?
00:52:16We didn't follow the sun.
00:52:22Look, this stream is due west.
00:52:25All we have to do is walk away from the sun in the morning and towards the sun in the
00:52:30afternoon.
00:52:30We should be there by nightfall.
00:52:32Oh, so you're saying we should risk being dried up into human jerky again just to follow another one of
00:52:38your half-baked plans.
00:52:40I'm not saying anything, okay?
00:52:42I mean, I'm pretty sure this is going to work.
00:52:43But since I let us down before, I say from here on in, we put everything to a vote.
00:52:49We can't vote.
00:52:51You order, we follow.
00:52:53Okay, well, I order us to vote.
00:52:55That is not how the army goes.
00:52:57You have to tell us what to do.
00:53:00Well, what if I'm wrong?
00:53:04Then we die.
00:53:11I order us to do a sun-baked plan thing.
00:53:17We're dead.
00:53:21Hey, guys, just think of it as a very long day on a very big beach in a very dry
00:53:29year.
00:53:49Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
00:53:51It's the ocean.
00:53:53I don't see anything.
00:53:55What are you, blind?
00:53:56The waves.
00:53:57It's the ocean.
00:53:58It's a mirage.
00:54:01It is a mirage.
00:54:03And there's Caesars.
00:54:04And right across the street is the Barbary Coast.
00:54:07We can get a $3.99 buffet.
00:54:09And it's the ocean.
00:54:11Come on.
00:54:13Come on.
00:54:14Go.
00:54:16Come on.
00:54:18We're running.
00:54:20Come on.
00:54:23Come on.
00:54:25Come on.
00:54:34Here's the canteen.
00:54:35Go get your boy, because he's bugging.
00:54:51You okay, man?
00:54:53You okay?
00:54:54Here, take a sip.
00:54:57Listen.
00:54:59Look, Jack, we've got two choices.
00:55:02One, we can put your clothes back on.
00:55:04We can get ourselves out of this mess.
00:55:05Go back to Glendale.
00:55:06Start up our own store.
00:55:07Become rich and famous.
00:55:09Or two, you can lie here butt naked and crushed away, leaving your skull to be found by a young
00:55:15arabic prince that's going to use it for an ashtray.
00:55:21You don't want that in your head.
00:55:23You make the call.
00:55:25Come on.
00:55:25Let's get out of here.
00:55:27What do you say?
00:55:28Come on.
00:55:29Here.
00:55:31Here.
00:55:33Here.
00:55:34Here.
00:55:35Here.
00:55:35Here.
00:55:35Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:37Come on.
00:55:39Here.
00:55:44Come on.
00:55:45Look at that ass.
00:55:46Maybe you should stay naked.
00:55:47Get some sun on those cheeks.
00:55:57What?
00:55:58Oh, man.
00:55:59Man, now I'm seeing things.
00:56:01The palm tree's right on the horizon.
00:56:03Oh, it's another mirage.
00:56:05Oh, my God.
00:56:06I see it, too.
00:56:07It's not a mirage.
00:56:09Those are the palm trees.
00:56:11It's the oasis.
00:56:12Oh, man.
00:56:13You saved our life.
00:56:20Where's my kiss?
00:56:23Christine.
00:56:30The street was due west, right?
00:56:33It was on the map, right?
00:56:35Where's the water?
00:56:39This is sand.
00:56:47Nobody move.
00:56:50There is a big snake right by your feet.
00:56:55No!
00:56:57Thanks for not moving, Jack.
00:57:01Throw me the gun.
00:57:04If you don't attack it, it'll go away.
00:57:07I don't want it to go away.
00:57:09I want to have it for dinner.
00:57:10Throw me the gun.
00:57:24You want some of this, baby, huh?
00:57:26There you go.
00:57:27Come on!
00:57:28Oh, oh.
00:57:29Oh, no.
00:57:31I'm still gonna get you.
00:57:36Let's die for me.
00:57:37I'll kill you.
00:57:42Huh?
00:57:43Shoulda, but da, da, da, da, da.
00:57:50Huh?
00:57:52It's a win-win situation.
00:57:57Will you look at that?
00:57:59Water from the bullet hole.
00:58:05Water!
00:58:06Water!
00:58:07Water!
00:58:08Water!
00:58:10Water!
00:58:10Fresh water!
00:58:12I can't believe it!
00:58:13Water!
00:58:14Is it snake yet?
00:58:16Depends how you like it.
00:58:18Well done.
00:58:20Used to be afraid of scorpions.
00:58:22Now he's eating snake.
00:58:23That is impressive for him.
00:58:27I thought we were all gonna die.
00:58:30But you pulled us through.
00:58:32I don't know how, but thank you.
00:58:47That was, uh, pretty exceptional.
00:58:53So what are you gonna do if I get us rescued?
00:58:59Um, I will take off all your clothes.
00:59:06Tie you to the bed.
00:59:10Rub warm oil all over your body.
00:59:15From the bottom of those feet to the top of that head.
00:59:19And proceed to have the nastiest, freakiest sex with you that you have ever imagined.
00:59:30Oh, that's it.
00:59:31Damn it!
00:59:32I saw her first.
00:59:33And look what happens.
00:59:35Same thing that happened with Gabriella.
00:59:37I saw her first.
00:59:39And, and, and Wanda Tushman in the third grade.
00:59:41I saw her first.
00:59:42And that girl in Palm Springs.
00:59:44It turned out to be the guy.
00:59:45I saw that thing first, too.
00:59:47You know why I'm not just strangling you right now?
00:59:51Because you can't cook a snake?
00:59:53No.
00:59:55Because no matter how long we've been friends,
00:59:58I never thought you'd be the kind of guy that would save our lives.
01:00:02Let alone kill a snake.
01:00:05But you did.
01:00:06Oh, hey, man.
01:00:07Thanks.
01:00:08Yeah.
01:00:09I, I think it's the UN flag.
01:00:12We're safe!
01:00:14Guys, Christine and I are going to need some time alone.
01:00:17Sure, man.
01:00:18I'm not trying to do that.
01:00:20I'm not going to have a dog.
01:00:22The President is in the Situation Room of the White House today,
01:00:26and the President is scheduled to address the nation tomorrow
01:00:28at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
01:00:31We will, of course, bring that to you live on...
01:00:33Welcome.
01:00:33You are the Reservists from Glendale, California, correct?
01:00:36This all fuels...
01:00:37According to WNR, you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
01:00:42Um, where are we?
01:00:45You're on a military base, well inside Libya.
01:00:48That is all you need to know.
01:00:50Oh, I forgot to mention.
01:00:53The war is starting tomorrow.
01:00:55How'd you know that?
01:00:57American TV.
01:00:59Your country is expected to start bombing our air bases tomorrow.
01:01:03And when that happens, we will unleash missiles with chemical warheads against your bases.
01:01:09Consider yourself lucky to be here.
01:01:11Sleep well.
01:01:14You know, this is fine.
01:01:16It's like the time you got us arrested, Tijuana.
01:01:18Except we're in Libya.
01:01:20And your dad's not gonna pick us up here, brother.
01:01:25Yo, it's...
01:01:26Aren't you guys also American?
01:01:32Oh, see, I see.
01:01:34I was wounded, and I don't feel well.
01:01:36Please, sing a song to comfort me.
01:01:38Sing a song?
01:01:39Any song.
01:01:43Oh, okay.
01:01:46Rescue me.
01:01:48Sing.
01:01:49Uh-huh.
01:01:50What?
01:01:50I want your tender chance.
01:01:52Cause I'm alone now.
01:01:55My team was on strategic recon.
01:01:58Huh?
01:01:59You know, that's when you go behind enemy lines and you try to locate their assets.
01:02:03Like tanks and bunkers.
01:02:04We were on our way to a resupply drop.
01:02:06We were ambushed.
01:02:07The other guys were killed.
01:02:08Killed?
01:02:13I took a bullet in the leg, and they brought me here.
01:02:16Uh-huh.
01:02:18I don't know any words to this song.
01:02:20Kiss me, baby.
01:02:21Kiss me, baby.
01:02:22Kiss me, baby.
01:02:24Hold me, baby.
01:02:25Hold me, baby.
01:02:26Hold me, baby.
01:02:26Hold me, baby.
01:02:27Use this to dig around the base of the bars on the window.
01:02:30I got one of them loose all over there.
01:02:32One of them escape?
01:02:33What are you, crazy?
01:02:38Look, it's the duty of every POW to try and escape.
01:02:41We're in the middle of a desert.
01:02:42What good is it going to do for us to escape?
01:02:44To complete the recon mission, soldier.
01:02:47A special operations cargo plane was instructed to make a supply drop at a rendezvous point about 15K north here.
01:02:53If we can get off this base, I can get us to the rendezvous if we want.
01:02:56You're insane, okay?
01:02:57The Libyans are going to launch chemical weapons.
01:02:59We're much safer here.
01:03:00No, I'm a soldier, and I got a job to do.
01:03:03So are you.
01:03:05Now get to work, private.
01:03:08I'm lonely.
01:03:11Rescue me.
01:03:13Rescue me, baby.
01:03:24Bye.
01:03:28My heart.
01:03:30You know what?
01:03:31You didn't scare me.
01:03:33I just fell out screaming.
01:03:34Don't worry about it.
01:03:35Most men think I'm scary.
01:03:40So you can't sleep, huh?
01:03:42I'm too excited.
01:03:44Excited?
01:03:44They might torture us tomorrow.
01:03:46They might even kill us.
01:03:48I know.
01:03:48It's just like the night before Christmas.
01:03:51Yeah, well, at my house we got presents.
01:03:52I'm talking about the anticipation.
01:03:57We might die.
01:03:59We might escape it.
01:04:01We don't know what's going to happen.
01:04:02That's the coolest thing in the whole world.
01:04:05Most girls are into horses and stuff.
01:04:08You're weird.
01:04:11Most men say that, too.
01:04:12I like it.
01:04:17You do?
01:04:20Yeah.
01:04:21Horses are boring.
01:04:31So, if I do get us out of here, and I will, is it true what you said about tying
01:04:37me up and all that wild, sick stuff?
01:04:40I'll have you kiss me again.
01:05:06I'll have you kiss me again.
01:05:11I thought I was having another panic attack.
01:05:16Jesus.
01:05:32Oh, it's okay.
01:05:35It's okay.
01:05:35It's okay.
01:05:51It's okay.
01:05:54It's okay.
01:05:58Almost.
01:06:00Try again.
01:06:02Okay, I can't.
01:06:09that was good just a little more to the left we got him yeah you guys just keep trying do
01:06:14you guys realize what we are doing right now this is a scene from pirates of the
01:06:20Caribbean all we need is that mangy dog right and then we can go why just try it again
01:06:57how much do you love me
01:07:09I'm sorry I don't get it what is it with us and trucks I mean we get them we break
01:07:13them we smash
01:07:14them we crash them we run out of gas I don't get it yes yes yes I understand that but
01:07:18we're not
01:07:18getting tortured by Baba Gadoosh right now okay no instead we're lost in the desert again without
01:07:25food and water again stuck with this special forces guy he can't even walk because he got his
01:07:31legs shut up Fred we're free damn we're gonna die free or maybe not
01:07:4455 American dollars and then on top of it see this Chuck serious bona fide Libyan army fighting machine
01:07:54and it's all part of this amazing offer my friend and maybe if you're lucky might even have a cool
01:08:00great track you can play a Buddha Buddha Buddha stuff on it huh and you ask me how could it
01:08:07be why such a deal
01:08:08because we're crazy boys we're giving it away
01:08:21you like this watch is it interesting no no no no no no no no no no not he likes
01:08:26it
01:08:27come on it's got the phases of the moon and the compass
01:08:32what this has a compass yeah really yeah well we've been stuck in the desert for three days and
01:08:38you're telling me this watch has a compass sorry oh jack oh you're gonna get some noogies later
01:08:43i'm gonna just pound you like this i forgot yeah well uh about the compass well you're gonna forget
01:08:48about your little watch here jack because it's gone uh-huh here you go my friend hey you guys
01:08:55in my life i've seen a lot of camel's toes but i never see one in a camel i think
01:09:04he's got a
01:09:04crush on you bones really how can you tell because he's been nibbling on your ears yeah
01:09:11and licking on your neck it's okay you're just a camel
01:09:20our supply drops on the other side of that libyan base what libyan base paul are you blind
01:09:27it's a libyan base covered with a camo tint what are you talking about i guess we're gonna have
01:09:32to go around it around what see that jeep right there i see the jeep okay but i certainly don't
01:09:41oh you mean that libyan base the one under the camo tent i thought you guys were talking about some
01:09:48other libyan base will there be medical supplies medical supplies uniforms food water radio everything
01:09:55yeah but where is it it's supposed to be right here
01:10:00hey you guys come on
01:10:04hey come on you guys come on
01:10:07oh
01:10:07oh
01:10:08oh
01:10:12oh
01:10:13oh
01:10:13oh
01:10:13oh
01:10:13oh
01:10:14oh
01:10:15oh
01:10:17oh
01:10:17oh
01:10:17oh
01:10:19oh
01:10:26oh
01:10:29oh
01:10:30oh
01:10:33oh
01:10:34oh
01:10:36oh
01:10:36oh
01:10:37oh
01:10:42Stern, these things are intense.
01:10:45No wonder people joined the army.
01:10:48Be all that you can be in the army.
01:10:52What happened to him?
01:10:54His leg looks pretty bad.
01:10:55I think it's infected because he lost a lot of blood.
01:10:58But look at his gums.
01:10:59They're fabulous, man.
01:11:00Not a touch of gingivitis.
01:11:02He's been flossing.
01:11:03Yeah, but why is he acting so wasted?
01:11:05Oh, that's some morphine.
01:11:07Absolutely.
01:11:08The morphine, the better.
01:11:12Hello? Somebody answer us, please.
01:11:14You gotta believe us.
01:11:15We're stuck out here in the middle.
01:11:17Please, just help us.
01:11:18Get a hold of yourself, soldier.
01:11:20Oh, thank God it's you.
01:11:22Listen.
01:11:22Don't say my name.
01:11:24What did I say to you when you first arrived in Chad?
01:11:28Uh, something about your clock being broken?
01:11:31Close enough.
01:11:32Okay, calm down, son.
01:11:34We're gonna get you out of there.
01:11:35Now, listen carefully.
01:11:36Your call sign is now Glendale.
01:11:39Our call sign is now Burbank.
01:11:43Did you recover the fast attack vehicles, Glendale?
01:11:45Oh, you mean those doom buggies.
01:11:47Yeah, those things are intense.
01:11:49Good.
01:11:49This equipment was intended for the special forces team to carry out a vital mission.
01:11:54You are our only assets on the ground with the right equipment in the right place.
01:12:00Say what?
01:12:01You have to take over, Glendale.
01:12:04Listen, let me explain something.
01:12:06First of all, sergeant, we're water boys.
01:12:08Okay, please.
01:12:10Your soldiers first, Glendale.
01:12:12Now, listen up.
01:12:14The Libyans have a mobile scud launching base right in your area.
01:12:19These scuds are loaded with chemical weapons and targeted at U.S. bases.
01:12:23Our aerial photographs haven't been able to find them.
01:12:26You want us to find them?
01:12:28Well, what about Stern?
01:12:29Stern can find them.
01:12:30He'll be up pretty soon.
01:12:31Stern?
01:12:31Daddy, why can't I go to ballet class?
01:12:35Teacher says I'm a natural.
01:12:38These scuds can't be spotted from the air because of heavy camouflage.
01:12:43Camouflage?
01:12:44Why didn't you say so in the first place?
01:12:47Listen, we saw the thing this morning.
01:12:49Stern wrote down the coordinates, right, Stern?
01:12:52We'll tell you where it is.
01:12:53You guys can come here and bomb the hell out of it.
01:12:56Come on, send the Air Force.
01:12:57It's not enough to tell us.
01:12:59You have to go back there and paint it.
01:13:02Paint it?
01:13:04Trust me, it looks perfectly fine the way it is.
01:13:06I mean paint it with the laser.
01:13:08The laser target designator is in your equipment.
01:13:12All you have to do is return to that base, point the laser at it, and call me back on
01:13:17the radio.
01:13:18The Air Force will do the rest.
01:13:20You can be a mile away in perfect safety.
01:13:24All right, wait a minute.
01:13:26Chris!
01:13:27What?
01:13:28Get over here.
01:13:29No, Bones, they can't make us do anything.
01:13:30We don't know how to use this stuff.
01:13:32Fred, do you use lasers in dentistry, right?
01:13:35Uh-uh, I know what's going on.
01:13:37You're gonna try to make the brother hold the laser, right?
01:13:39No.
01:13:39My laser was a little itty-bitty laser.
01:13:41This is a big laser.
01:13:42There's a difference.
01:13:44Glendale!
01:13:45Glendale!
01:13:45No, no, no, no, no.
01:13:46Can't they just evacuate the bases?
01:13:48Yeah, or we can take an hour out of our busy lives, hop in these cool dune buggies,
01:13:53pop the base with the laser, and let the Air Force blow the hell out of it!
01:13:56Now you listen to me, Glendale.
01:13:57Glendale, please, hold yourself there.
01:13:59One second.
01:14:00I'm just trying to have a moment with my friends.
01:14:02Is that okay?
01:14:03Just have a cup of java.
01:14:04Please, chill.
01:14:08Fred, when you first got here, you were completely freaked, right?
01:14:12Yeah.
01:14:13And now look at you, huh?
01:14:15You're a regular G.I. Joe, a fighting man from head to toe.
01:14:19And Chris, you wanted infantry.
01:14:22Well, now's your chance.
01:14:24Let's see what you got.
01:14:27And Jack, my friend, you were a complete screw-up.
01:14:31But now look at you.
01:14:33You're still a screw-up, but if you did this and you survived,
01:14:36you'd have stuff to tell your little screw-up grandkids.
01:14:39Basically, you guys, up to a few months ago,
01:14:41we were all a bunch of minimum-wage losers from Glendale.
01:14:44But this whole event has changed our lives.
01:14:47You know who we owe it to?
01:14:48The Army.
01:14:50The Army, this is something we gotta do.
01:14:52Come on, just go with it.
01:14:54Chris, I know you're with me.
01:14:57Yeah, boy.
01:14:58Fred, listen, if you can't handle it, I understand, man.
01:15:02I can handle it.
01:15:04Jack, what do you say, man?
01:15:07Oh, I say, I say you're crazy.
01:15:09I think you're all nuts.
01:15:11But you're the private first class.
01:15:13I'm the private.
01:15:14I'm gonna follow you, my friend, wherever.
01:15:17All right, you guys, let's do this thing.
01:15:20Pick it, man.
01:15:21Darren, you ready?
01:15:23Let's go, bone.
01:15:25I know, I know.
01:15:26It's just a little bit of business I have to take care of.
01:15:33I, you're gonna have to go now.
01:15:36You're gonna have to go be all the camel that you can be.
01:15:48All right, troops!
01:15:53Let's go bust some scuds!
01:16:57Can I call you General Sweetpants?
01:16:59You better remember who you're talking to, Glendale.
01:17:01Are you in position?
01:17:03Guy's got no sense of humor.
01:17:04Yeah, we can see the target.
01:17:06Have you painted it with the laser?
01:17:11Just did.
01:17:12Good going, Glendale.
01:17:14The airstrike is inbound.
01:17:16You should acquire the target in seven minutes.
01:17:19It is vital that you do not take the laser off the target until the target is destroyed.
01:17:24Can you hold it there for seven minutes?
01:17:26I got it propped up here on the rock.
01:17:28I can hold it here all day long.
01:17:29I'm good to go.
01:17:31No problem, Burbank.
01:17:33Good.
01:17:34Lay low and report any change in situation.
01:17:37We'll be standing by.
01:17:38Out.
01:17:55Come on.
01:17:57Come on.
01:18:04Tell me again about the store.
01:18:07Oh, the store.
01:18:08Well, it's going to be great.
01:18:10We're going to have our own room where people can get their feet massaged.
01:18:14Sorrow.
01:18:15No!
01:18:35Burbank!
01:18:36Burbank!
01:18:36Burbank!
01:18:37Hold your position, Glendale.
01:18:40And keep that laser on the target.
01:18:42On the target?
01:18:42We are the target!
01:18:47Tell them to hurry up!
01:18:48You better hurry.
01:18:49We got 60 pissed off Libyans heading towards us.
01:18:52Stay with it.
01:18:53Stay with it.
01:18:57Let's get these guys here.
01:18:59Come on.
01:19:00Okay.
01:19:02Get out of here.
01:19:03All right.
01:19:04This is for the Glendale Waterboy.
01:19:13Get out of here.
01:19:13Get out of here.
01:19:16Not bad, huh?
01:19:17Woo!
01:19:41Reload.
01:19:42No!
01:19:43No!
01:19:44No!
01:19:45No!
01:19:50Help me!
01:20:19Shit!
01:20:21Missed.
01:20:21Yeah, at least they didn't blow up my head.
01:20:25Where are you going, soldiers? We know you can do it.
01:20:27Oh, perfect.
01:20:28I'm gonna find you the biggest bottle of champagne in Chad.
01:20:32Yeah, well, don't pop the cork yet. The bomb's missed.
01:20:35The base wasn't hit. You better send another airstrike here and send it fast.
01:20:40Wait one.
01:20:49Lindalee, the backup strike of F-111s is being diverted to your target.
01:20:54ETA, three minutes.
01:20:56Three minutes? What are you, crazy? We don't have three minutes.
01:20:59In three minutes, we're gonna be shish kebabs. We're under serious attack.
01:21:03You'll have to hold them.
01:21:18Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
01:21:21You better get the planes here sooner. The scuds are ready to fire.
01:21:25Two minutes and 30 seconds.
01:21:29Hey! Hey! Where's he going?
01:21:39Hey, hey! Where's he going? Where's he going?
01:21:47All right, my man!
01:21:50You stay right here. I gotta go.
01:21:53Where's he going? Where's he going? Where's he going?
01:21:59Hey!
01:22:00Hey!
01:22:01Hey!
01:22:03Hey, guys! Move over! Move over!
01:22:06Oh, whoa!
01:22:08Cock-firing mechanism.
01:22:11Report the situation.
01:22:14Whoa!
01:22:15Shut up!
01:22:28Aim to set range if known or estimate.
01:22:31Who came up with these directions?
01:22:33I don't know.
01:22:34Tell me to shut up one more time when I'm gonna rip your spine out and use it for a
01:22:37putting iron.
01:22:38Shut up! I'm not good with directions.
01:22:42Push, safety, and hold down.
01:22:46Okay, now, everybody back!
01:22:48Fire by pushing trigger.
01:22:51Whoa!
01:22:55Suck on this at once time!
01:23:03Oh, sorry.
01:23:10Last chance, my friend.
01:23:13Whoa!
01:23:15Whoa!
01:23:30Yeah!
01:23:31Yeah!
01:23:34Yeah!
01:23:35Yeah!
01:23:38Yes!
01:23:39Yeah!
01:23:40Yeah!
01:23:40Yeah!
01:23:42Yeah!
01:23:43Yeah!
01:23:45Yeah!
01:23:47Oh, man!
01:23:48Yeah!
01:23:49Oh!
01:23:50Oh!
01:23:51That's my signal.
01:23:52Everybody scream like crazy.
01:23:54Make them think we've got 50 guys up here, okay?
01:23:57One and go!
01:24:00Yeah!
01:24:14We scared them!
01:24:17I can't believe we scared them!
01:24:20Yeah!
01:24:25Don't mess with the Glendale Reserves!
01:24:29Two weeks a year, one week in a month, we're the few!
01:24:35We're the browns!
01:24:36We're the water boys!
01:24:41All stuck!
01:24:42Get down!
01:25:08Oh, yes!
01:25:11Oh, yes!
01:25:14Oh, yes!
01:25:16Oh!
01:25:34Yeah!
01:25:35Woo!
01:25:37Not bad for a bunch of waterboys, huh?
01:25:40No! Soldiers! I'm proud of you guys!
01:25:44Handheld!
01:25:52You ought to be damn pleased with yourselves.
01:25:56Congratulations. You did an outstanding job.
01:25:59It wasn't a job for a sergeant. It was an adventure.
01:26:21üzerkryoon
01:26:23Hey! Hey!
01:26:26Woho!
01:26:28Was AKA I!
01:26:30Ha ha ha ha!
01:26:35You're going to have to go get a blood test phone.
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