- 4 hours ago
In the Army Now 1994 [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:01See how I just blow those guys? Look, and there's the thing.
00:00:04Look up, look up, look up!
00:00:05No under-
00:00:06Huh?
00:00:09Game over you again!
00:00:11Shouldn't we get back to work?
00:00:12I'm working. Look, I'm testing on new products.
00:00:15What are you so paranoid for anyways? Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
00:00:18Look, Quinn's gonna fire your ass from this place.
00:00:21Do you think I'm scared of that?
00:00:22What is he? Looks like a lurch.
00:00:25I'm Quinn.
00:00:26Are you afraid of him? No.
00:00:28Bones!
00:00:30Quinn's looking for you.
00:00:32I told him you were playing video games.
00:00:34Here, hold this, okay? I gotta do something.
00:00:36Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
00:00:38Bop, bop, bop!
00:01:05This is all for you. See all the money I'm saving?
00:01:09Wow, Quinn, look at you. You're looking fantastic. Is that a new suit?
00:01:12It's gotta be Armando.
00:01:15Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Well, at least you wear it well.
00:01:19Is that brood I smell?
00:01:20What did we say about leaving the sales floor?
00:01:24You told me not to, and I won't. If this place catches fire, I'm selling tape decks to the firemen.
00:01:29You're not selling anything to anybody. That's why we're letting you go.
00:01:33Where?
00:01:33Home.
00:01:34No, no, no, Quinn. Hey, hey, you can't fire me. Come on. I'm a crazy boy. I'm a dedicated crazy
00:01:39boy.
00:01:40Bones, let's not drag this out.
00:01:41No, Quinn, hey, look. Come on, please. I mean, my rent's due. My mom, she needs another tummy tuck. Please,
00:01:47come on.
00:01:47No, Bones. No, not this time.
00:01:49Please, there's a lot of personal things. Please don't let me. Please don't let me go, Quinn. I could be
00:01:54crazier.
00:01:55Let go of my life.
00:01:56I could be totally insane.
00:02:00Bones, let go of my life.
00:02:01Bones, you have a customer waiting.
00:02:05You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn. I have a customer. A customer who evidently asked for me by name.
00:02:15Hi. May I help you, miss?
00:02:16Yes. You sold me this watchman last week, and I'm afraid I have to return it.
00:02:21See, I knew you'd be returning it. It's too small to ruin your eyesight.
00:02:25And besides, I can tell the one you really want is this one.
00:02:27This is our top of the line.
00:02:29Our very best 35-inch projection stereo color monitor with advanced super digital PMP.
00:02:36I'm sorry. That's way out of my price range.
00:02:38Not with our $200 rebate. No money down. 10-month deferred, 64-month layaway plan.
00:02:43You ask yourself, how could it be? Right?
00:02:47Because we're a crazy voice.
00:02:51Sorry, they make us do that.
00:02:52That's a very nice offer, but this is just...
00:02:55Plus this screen, though, it promotes good eyesight.
00:02:58Really?
00:02:59Uh-huh. Four out of five optometrists recommend it.
00:03:03Okay. I'll take it.
00:03:06Okay. Here you go.
00:03:07Fantastic. I'm gonna take this to the cashier, and I'm gonna arrange everything.
00:03:11Thank you very much.
00:03:12Come to the front. You're needed for a carry-out.
00:03:15Huh?
00:03:17Hmm?
00:03:18Come on. Am I not still a crazy boy?
00:03:23That is brute I smell, you pervert.
00:03:30Bones!
00:03:35Come on.
00:03:42Gabriella, you were outstanding.
00:03:44Yeah, right. This is the last time I save your butt. Okay? I work, too, you know?
00:03:49I know. It was an emergency. The guy was about to fire me.
00:03:52Right. It's always an emergency. They better take that TV back.
00:03:55Hey, they're gonna take it back.
00:03:57Now, how about just giving your little Italian sausage man a little kissy-poo?
00:04:03Chad, the U.S. has issued strong warnings that...
00:04:08You are so irresponsible.
00:04:11You should be serious for one minute.
00:04:13It's okay. I'll be serious. Let's get naked.
00:04:17Not now. Not here.
00:04:19Why? Don't you love me anymore?
00:04:21Yes, yes, of course I love you.
00:04:23Yeah, but look, your boss is gonna catch us.
00:04:27I don't care about that perverted fat's on a JCPenney suit.
00:04:32Bones!
00:04:34Jack, turn it off.
00:04:35Turn it off!
00:04:47Well, I can't...
00:04:54I can't believe he actually fired us.
00:04:57Oh, come on. Bones, we blew up 22 TV sets.
00:05:00Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
00:05:01I'm sorry, man. You know, I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all those TVs.
00:05:05No problemo, my friend. I was sick of getting down on my knees for that guy anyways.
00:05:10Whoa. Bones. I had no idea.
00:05:13Begging for my job.
00:05:15You know what, Jack, though? This is amazing. You know what this does?
00:05:18Yeah.
00:05:19This brings us one step closer to the, uh, store.
00:05:23No, no, no. What this does is it brings us one step closer to living in the dumpster.
00:05:27How are we gonna get the rent for the store if we don't have rent for our apartment?
00:05:31Excuse me, can we play through?
00:05:33Yeah.
00:05:35Sorry, we're just...
00:05:36Disgusting.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:42Hey, Army!
00:05:44Navy!
00:05:45Air Force!
00:05:46Marines!
00:05:47No.
00:05:48Did you order a code red?
00:05:51Answer me! Did you order a code red, man?
00:05:54You want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
00:05:57Yay. He's goofing off.
00:06:00Wow, that was my Nicholson impression.
00:06:03Good.
00:06:04I do it sometimes when I play golf.
00:06:08Bones, come on, man.
00:06:09See, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
00:06:11When you join the Army, is it true that you have to give your whole life away?
00:06:14Nah, something like that with us.
00:06:16We're in the reserves.
00:06:18What's that?
00:06:20Let's just get this straight here.
00:06:22After our basic training, we owe you two weeks a year, one week and a month, for which we get
00:06:26paid.
00:06:27And then on top of it, you're gonna throw in $2,500 just for signing up?
00:06:33Basically, yes.
00:06:35Wow.
00:06:36Well, then how come everybody isn't in the reserves?
00:06:39Do people actually know about this stuff?
00:06:42Well, we do try to advertise.
00:06:45Oh, yeah, it's not a job, it's an adventure.
00:06:48No, that's the Navy.
00:06:50The few and the proud?
00:06:51No, that's the Marines.
00:06:53Keep going, going, and gone?
00:06:55No, no, that's the Energizer, buddy.
00:06:58Gentlemen, we're be-all-you-can-be.
00:07:01Yeah.
00:07:02In the Army.
00:07:05You need us, and we need you.
00:07:07It's a win-win situation.
00:07:09I got one more question.
00:07:11Can I get a pen?
00:07:12Oh, no, actually, could we just have a second, uh, amongst ourselves?
00:07:16Certainly.
00:07:17Take all the time you need.
00:07:19Just hold that ballpoint.
00:07:23Whew.
00:07:25This is insane!
00:07:27Why doesn't everybody join when you're listening to him in there?
00:07:30Shh.
00:07:31It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
00:07:34Oh, my God, you're going nuts.
00:07:35Okay, we are the beneficiaries.
00:07:37We get a guaranteed check for eight years and a special skill.
00:07:41A special skill.
00:07:42Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:07:43Look at the payments.
00:07:44Here we go.
00:07:45Land combat missile op.
00:07:48Opportunities.
00:07:48Tactical fire specialist.
00:07:50You heard him talking about combat pay, right?
00:07:52You know, you have to be in combat to get paid for that, right?
00:07:56He said reserves aren't called up unless there's a major conflict.
00:07:59When was the last war, huh?
00:08:01Yeah.
00:08:02World War II?
00:08:02No.
00:08:03Twenty years ago.
00:08:04Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
00:08:06Huh?
00:08:06Desert storm?
00:08:08No.
00:08:08Uh-uh.
00:08:09What?
00:08:10I'm kidding.
00:08:11Give me the brochure.
00:08:12We're going to go to the unemployment office.
00:08:14No, just let me see.
00:08:15Let me just try it.
00:08:16Tank tour repair, land mining specialist, water purification?
00:08:21Water purification.
00:08:23That's it.
00:08:24What?
00:08:25Water purification.
00:08:26I'm telling you it's a snap.
00:08:27My brother's a pool man.
00:08:29Hey, look.
00:08:29You take dirty water and you make it clean.
00:08:32How hard can that be?
00:08:33I don't know.
00:08:34And hey, if there is a war, what are we going to go in there with?
00:08:37Water balloons?
00:08:40That's...
00:08:40I mean, but...
00:08:41But...
00:08:41Yeah.
00:08:42This is for our future.
00:08:44Okay.
00:08:44If we could sign up right now, we'd get a guarantee check for $2,500.
00:08:48A few times that times two.
00:08:50Wow.
00:08:53That's $6,000.
00:08:56That's a nice chunk of change.
00:08:57Yeah.
00:08:58But...
00:08:59Hey, this is for our storm.
00:09:03Yeah.
00:09:04Look, I'll even give you first billing.
00:09:06No, you don't have to do that.
00:09:07Jacks and bones and sp...
00:09:10Oh.
00:09:11Atlas of Stereos.
00:09:13I did too much.
00:09:13All right, all right, all right.
00:09:14Let's do it.
00:09:15Oh.
00:09:16Yes!
00:09:16Get a haircut, get a real job
00:09:20Get a real try, get a real try
00:09:36I told myself that it was a bad dream
00:09:40I found a bad, it's a good song today
00:09:46Hi
00:09:47Um, see
00:09:51Everybody knows me for my hair
00:09:55Okay, what I need you to do is just
00:09:56Just a little bit on the side, not a whole bunch
00:09:59And kind of keep like it soaked still
00:10:01I'd like to see you in something short but sassy
00:10:03A real 90s look, something that works as well
00:10:06On the rifle range as it does in the disco
00:10:08Okay, that's perfect
00:10:12Get a haircut
00:10:42Get a real try
00:10:43It looks macho
00:10:46All right
00:10:47Look at these, man, look at these
00:10:49Army issue
00:10:51See, I think those are unique
00:10:53Idiotic
00:10:54No, those are unique
00:10:55See, you're distinctive
00:10:56No one has them
00:10:57Really?
00:10:58You're king
00:10:58All right
00:10:59One of a kind
00:11:00They broke them all
00:11:02When they made you
00:11:02Jack
00:11:22I can't, I can't do it
00:11:24Jack, come on
00:11:25I can't do it, man
00:11:26I can't do it
00:11:27This is just like your childhood
00:11:29Remember
00:11:32Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right
00:11:34That guy is exactly like my dad
00:11:36See, come on
00:11:38Wait a minute, though
00:11:39My childhood sucked
00:11:40No, I can't do it, man
00:11:41I can't handle being yelled at by some
00:11:44Muscle-bound drill sergeant
00:11:46No, man, I can't do it
00:11:47Get the hell off the truck
00:11:52Oh, whoa
00:11:54She can drill me anytime
00:11:56On the double right now
00:11:58Come on, move it, move it
00:12:00Hello, sweet pants
00:12:02Get down, get down
00:12:05Rust up
00:12:06And take those glasses off
00:12:08What do you think, you want something
00:12:09Beat yourself
00:12:09No
00:12:10What's your name, private?
00:12:11Bones car, we're reporting for
00:12:13Duty, sir
00:12:14All right
00:12:15I mean, man, sergeant
00:12:17Whatever
00:12:17You will address me as drill sergeant
00:12:21Don't you understand?
00:12:25Yes, but you don't need to yell
00:12:26Because look, I'm standing right here
00:12:28I'm not yelling at you, private
00:12:29Drill sergeants do not yell
00:12:31We simply speak in a voice loud enough
00:12:33So everyone can hear
00:12:34That way we all learn from each other's mistakes
00:12:37Oh, okay, thanks for explaining it
00:12:39From here on out, your buddy's mind
00:12:42You will obey every order
00:12:45Without question
00:12:48Grunt
00:12:51Oh, you a funny boy, huh?
00:12:54Cutie pie, right?
00:12:55Well, I don't know you, but I don't even like you
00:12:57And I make it my personal mission
00:12:59To turn you into a soldier
00:13:00For the next eight weeks
00:13:02I'll be all over your butt
00:13:04Like white old rice
00:13:06Is that a promise?
00:13:09Give me 20
00:13:11I want my wallet
00:13:12Drop and give me 20
00:13:14I can't hold this
00:13:15Boy, you better get on that ground
00:13:16And give me them push-ups
00:13:19It's been a while
00:13:21All the way up and down, right?
00:13:24Pump
00:13:27One
00:13:28Is that good?
00:13:38Get up!
00:13:39Get up!
00:13:42Everybody up!
00:13:46I'm getting me up
00:13:48I'm going to crash right now
00:13:49Sleepy beauties
00:13:56Get your butt off that rack
00:14:06Get up!
00:14:08I'm out!
00:14:09I'm out!
00:14:10I'm out!
00:14:12Next hand to the lamp
00:14:14Next hand to the lamp
00:14:16All right
00:14:17All right
00:14:40Yeah
00:14:42Where'd the sun go?
00:14:44All right
00:14:44There is no sun anymore, Barnes
00:14:47All right
00:14:47The sun is gone
00:14:50We died
00:14:52And this is hell
00:14:53Oh, okay
00:14:54Thanks for splitting
00:14:55All right
00:15:01Private
00:15:01He's got that weapon
00:15:02Around backwards
00:15:04Thanks
00:15:14See the picture on the front
00:15:15Of this weapon
00:15:20It's put there for
00:15:21Privates like you
00:15:25It's idiot proof
00:15:28Damn it!
00:15:30I'm dead!
00:15:33The gig line
00:15:34Runs down the seam
00:15:35Of your shirt
00:15:36Through the edge
00:15:37Of your belt buckle
00:15:38Down the seam
00:15:38Of your zipper
00:15:40This is a straight gig line
00:15:42See it
00:15:44Learn it
00:15:45Do it
00:15:52From here on out
00:15:53Anyone without a straight gig line
00:15:56Will have to answer to me
00:16:02Conway
00:16:04What the hell
00:16:05Is this?
00:16:06Just sergeant
00:16:06I guess my gig line
00:16:08Needs straightening
00:16:08Huh?
00:16:12Oh
00:16:14Oh
00:16:18Thank you
00:16:19Just sergeant
00:16:19Don't thank me
00:16:21Thank your recruiter
00:16:29Come on
00:16:30Come on
00:16:30Come on
00:16:30You can't do it
00:16:31I know you can't do it
00:16:35There are two types
00:16:36Of baronet fighters
00:16:36The quick and the dead
00:16:37What are you?
00:16:38What are they?
00:16:39Dead!
00:16:40What are you?
00:16:40What are they?
00:16:41Dead!
00:16:42What are you?
00:16:43What are they?
00:16:44Dead!
00:16:44They need volunteers
00:16:46Yeah!
00:16:48Are you crazy?
00:16:49I sure am
00:16:50I'm a crazy boy
00:16:53Hello
00:16:55Conway
00:16:56Yes ma'am
00:16:57Come here
00:16:57I'm on my way
00:17:00Woo!
00:17:03Hi
00:17:04Hit me
00:17:04Let's not fight
00:17:06Come here
00:17:07Hit me or you'll be sorry
00:17:09I can't hit you
00:17:10You're a girl
00:17:11And
00:17:12I love you
00:17:16You got two seconds
00:17:17To hit me
00:17:22Okay
00:17:23But this is gonna hurt
00:17:25Any other volunteer?
00:17:28Oh shit
00:17:29I'm sorry
00:17:30I was just gonna
00:17:31I'm gonna teach you a lesson
00:17:34Never!
00:17:35No!
00:17:36Drop!
00:17:39You're gone!
00:17:43Oh
00:17:43Got it
00:17:46Can I
00:17:46Can I please throw up now?
00:17:49Move!
00:17:51Get up!
00:17:52Fuck!
00:17:52Get mad!
00:17:53You get mad you!
00:17:54Get mad on me!
00:17:56Now listen to me very carefully
00:17:57Private
00:17:57This is exactly the same as practice
00:17:59But this is a real live grenade
00:18:01I want you to do exactly as you've been trained
00:18:03Yes Joe Sergeant
00:18:04When I give the command to execute
00:18:06I want you to drop the pin
00:18:08Throw the grenade
00:18:09Yes Joe Sergeant
00:18:10Drop the pin
00:18:11Throw the grenade
00:18:12Yes Joe Sergeant
00:18:14Execute
00:18:18Move it!
00:18:31Thanks Joe Sergeant
00:18:33You saved my life
00:18:34I owe you one
00:18:35No you owe me
00:18:38Fifty
00:18:49Fifty
00:18:50Mama
00:18:51Mama
00:18:52Can't you see?
00:18:53Mama
00:18:54Mama
00:18:55Can't you see?
00:18:56Drill Sergeant
00:18:57Lamb
00:18:57Made a man out of me
00:18:59Drill Sergeant
00:19:00Lamb
00:19:00Made a man out of me
00:19:01And then I will obey
00:19:03the orders of the President
00:19:04of the United States
00:19:06And I will obey
00:19:07the orders of the President
00:19:08of the United States
00:19:09And the orders of the officers
00:19:11appointed over me
00:19:13And orders of the officers
00:19:15appointed over me
00:19:16According to regulations
00:19:18According to regulations
00:19:20and the Uniform Code
00:19:21of military Justice
00:19:25So help me God
00:19:27So help me God
00:19:29Nice to meet you
00:19:30Bye
00:19:31It're good
00:19:32Take care. Bye.
00:19:34Ah, it's the uniforms, man.
00:19:38Private Conway.
00:19:43Never thought I'd say this, but I think I've done the impossible I've turned you into soldiers.
00:19:48Thank you, drill sergeant.
00:19:50Carry on.
00:20:01Uh, is this, uh, unit 341?
00:20:05That's us, soldier.
00:20:06Hey, Bones Conway here. This is my partner, Jack.
00:20:08Hi, Christine.
00:20:09Nice to meet you. You look like we'll be working together.
00:20:12Christine a la G.I. Jane, right?
00:20:15What brings a pretty little lady like you to water up here?
00:20:18I want an infantry, but until they ask that crap about women not being allowed in combat,
00:20:23I'll just have to settle for kicking your little butt.
00:20:26Oh, that would be nice.
00:20:30Heisty one, huh?
00:20:31I like that.
00:20:34Shut up.
00:20:39I'm gonna have to kill your friend.
00:20:41Hey, Bones Conway.
00:20:43Hey, uh, Fred Ostorf. Good to meet you.
00:20:46You okay, Fred?
00:20:47Oh, man, I'm fine. Yeah.
00:20:49Thanks.
00:20:52So, uh, what do you do when you don't purify water?
00:20:55Well, I'm going into my, uh, final year of dental school.
00:20:59Wow.
00:21:00And now that is great.
00:21:01No, it's not.
00:21:03Why?
00:21:04Did you know that dentists are more feared and loathed than any other profession?
00:21:09That's including lawyers.
00:21:10No, see, I don't think people hate dentists.
00:21:13It's just the sound of that drill.
00:21:14Oh, yeah, and then they stick that sucking thing in the back of your mouth, like this.
00:21:19And the nurse says, oh, yeah, that.
00:21:21And then they jam those cardboard x-ray things.
00:21:24And then they, and you know when there's, you have a cabinet, and they do that little pointy thing,
00:21:29and then they, a V, a V, right?
00:21:32The nurse leaves, and she goes to lunch.
00:21:35And she dances out there, right?
00:21:37Meanwhile, there is a lead apron, right, on the thing.
00:21:40And you're sitting there, and you're like,
00:21:47See, see, that's what I'm talking about.
00:21:51If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay.
00:21:53Oh, no, no, no, it's good.
00:21:53We should talk about it.
00:21:54Because my therapist said that I need to get it out, kind of like an emotional enema.
00:21:59So we talked about it, and said, why not join the Army Reserve?
00:22:04Be all that you can be on the weekends.
00:22:09Maybe it'd help me to face those things in my life that I'm most afraid of.
00:22:14And what are you afraid of?
00:22:16Um, well, I'd have to say, uh, damn near everything.
00:22:21Floss?
00:22:23Hey.
00:22:24Keep it.
00:22:29Good morning.
00:22:30Purifying our water is one of the most vital operations in the military.
00:22:35It is absolutely vital that you know your equipment inside and out.
00:22:47Two soldiers must man the hose at all times.
00:22:50This is for your own safety, people.
00:22:53Okay.
00:22:53Never lose control of your hose.
00:22:58Turn it off.
00:23:00Turn it off.
00:23:05After careful training, you will be able to produce potable water from the most disgusting,
00:23:11swampy, parasite-infected, diseased water.
00:23:14Guys, look.
00:23:16It's our first glass of purified water.
00:23:19All right.
00:23:22Go for it, man.
00:23:23Try it.
00:23:24Nah.
00:23:25I'm not gonna try.
00:23:26Hey, you try it.
00:23:27I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:29We should get Christine.
00:23:31Yeah.
00:23:32She'll taste anything.
00:23:38I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:40I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:41Let's get Freddy.
00:23:42Okay.
00:23:43Oh, Freddy.
00:23:44No, no, thanks.
00:23:44I'm allergic.
00:23:45It'll make me break out.
00:23:48Well, then who's gonna try it?
00:24:07Who's the leader of this outfit?
00:24:10He is.
00:24:13Son, I've been doing this for a long time, and I gotta say, this is the best damn glass
00:24:19of purified water I ever had.
00:24:21Congratulations.
00:24:22You keep this up, and I'll be putting you in for private first class.
00:24:26Thank you, Sergeant.
00:24:27But I could not have done it without the inspirational guidance of my brother, the poor man.
00:24:40We're back, honey.
00:24:44Excuse me.
00:24:46Gonna go freshen up.
00:24:50You're not gonna.
00:25:28You're not gonna.
00:25:47Oh, man.
00:25:49Honey, wait, wait.
00:25:50Hold it here a second.
00:25:51Listen, hey, we're in the middle of the party here.
00:25:53You know, your friends might come in.
00:25:54That'd be cool.
00:25:55I don't think so.
00:25:56I think it's very rude if we stay away more than a couple of minutes.
00:25:59Two minutes?
00:26:00That's perfect.
00:26:01We'll have time to cuddle afterwards.
00:26:07Hold that thought.
00:26:09Somebody better be dead.
00:26:11Hello?
00:26:12This is an official message.
00:26:14I saw a flock of wild geese migrating south.
00:26:19I say again.
00:26:20The geese are migrating south.
00:26:23Yeah, well, uh, my goose is about to lay a golden egg.
00:26:26So you're gonna have to cruise the south solo, okay?
00:26:29Have a nice flight.
00:26:31Who was it?
00:26:32Someone who's into birds.
00:26:33What?
00:26:33I don't know here.
00:26:34Uh-uh.
00:26:40Look, you saw the goose.
00:26:42I'm the walrus.
00:26:43And tall is dead.
00:26:43And I'm trying to bury my beak here.
00:26:45So give it a rest.
00:26:46All right, that's it.
00:27:01Jack, get the phone.
00:27:03Who is it?
00:27:04It's a freak going on about wild geese migrating.
00:27:07Hello?
00:27:08Phone!
00:27:12What?
00:27:12No.
00:27:13No, no.
00:27:14Christine, don't.
00:27:14Don't.
00:27:15What?
00:27:16Which way?
00:27:17Who cares?
00:27:18North or south?
00:27:19South.
00:27:21Yes!
00:27:22Yes, yes!
00:27:23What?
00:27:26You guys, don't you remember?
00:27:28About the code?
00:27:29So that if we got called up for active duty, then we would know that it was for real.
00:27:33It's gotta be a mistake.
00:27:35It's gotta be Chad.
00:27:36Hello, Mama?
00:27:38It's Frederick.
00:27:39Uh, you sitting down?
00:27:42Chad is in the African country, the one that Libya's about to invade.
00:27:45Uh, turn off the music.
00:27:50You remember when you told me that every black man should visit the motherland?
00:27:54Bones, why do you think I chose water purification?
00:27:56Hmm, is your brother a poor man?
00:27:59No, it's because Chad is in a desert.
00:28:02And water purification is the reserve occupation most likely to be called up if there's a desert war.
00:28:08And there's a desert war, and we're going!
00:28:11Ha ha ha ha!
00:28:12That's it, Bones.
00:28:13I'm gonna kill you.
00:28:14Well, go ahead.
00:28:14You gotta relax here, okay?
00:28:16I'm gonna get us out of this one.
00:28:19Trust me.
00:28:30At ease.
00:28:32Sir, I know we're going to Chad, but there's something that you need to know about Jack and I before
00:28:38we go, sir.
00:28:39Yes?
00:28:41Uh, uh, Bones and I are very close, uh, friends.
00:28:47Very.
00:28:48Oh, I see.
00:28:51In that case, boys, I guess you're not going to Chad.
00:28:57Sorry to disappoint you, sir.
00:29:03Uh, just one thing.
00:29:08Anything.
00:29:10Kiss him.
00:29:12Excuse me?
00:29:14Kiss your friend.
00:29:16You don't have a problem with that, now, do you?
00:29:20Oh, no.
00:29:22He kisses me every day.
00:29:41I'll just do it.
00:29:49Shit.
00:29:50Is it hot in Chad?
00:29:52As the Libyan raids against U.N. forces near the border continue,
00:29:56this U.S. force is being ready to deter the invasion threatened by the Libyan leader in his television broadcast
00:30:03last night.
00:30:04And as the buildup here continues, the first Army Reserve units arrive here today.
00:30:09These units will aid in the supply and logistical support of the growing U.S. presence here.
00:30:14These troops are in high spirits, and the morale is high, and their hopes are high.
00:30:19All right, so let's go.
00:30:20And this mission will remain at the East Coast.
00:30:22Reporting live from Chad for World Wide News Report, this is Stu Krieger.
00:30:43I am First Sergeant Brandon T. Williams.
00:30:46It is my intention to run this company like a clock.
00:30:50If one gear slips in my clock, my clock will tell the wrong time.
00:30:54If one spring is loose in my clock, my clock will tell the wrong time.
00:30:58First Sergeant Williams likes his clock to tell the right time.
00:31:00Do you understand me?
00:31:02Yes, Sergeant!
00:31:04What did he just say?
00:31:05I don't know, something about his clock being broken.
00:31:10Have my words fallen upon deaf ears?
00:31:12Yes, Sergeant!
00:31:15I mean, no, Sergeant.
00:31:17Don't you know I'm your First Sergeant?
00:31:21Well, actually, I wish you were my First Sergeant, but I already had a couple ones already.
00:31:27Drop!
00:31:28And give me push-ups!
00:31:29You will continue to do push-ups until you learn to address me as First Sergeant.
00:31:33Is that clear?
00:31:34Yes, First Sergeant!
00:31:36Call!
00:31:36One for Sergeant, two for Sergeant, three for Sergeant, four for Sergeant, five for Sergeant, six for Sergeant, seven for
00:31:45Sergeant, eight for Sergeant, nine for Sergeant, ten for Sergeant, eleven for Sergeant, twelve for Sergeant, thirteen for Sergeant, fourteen
00:31:56for Sergeant, fourteen for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-three for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one
00:32:01hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant,
00:32:01one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for
00:32:01Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four
00:32:01for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty
00:32:02-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and
00:32:02twenty-four for Sergeant, one hundred and twenty-four for Sergeant
00:32:06when you were in basic training, didn't you?
00:32:07Yes, first sergeant.
00:32:09Well, you just did your last push-up, soldier.
00:32:11I will never ask you to do another.
00:32:12Thank you, first sergeant.
00:32:14You just graduated peeling potatoes.
00:32:176,543, first sergeant.
00:32:216,544, first sergeant.
00:32:24First sergeant.
00:32:256,50...
00:32:27Five!
00:32:296,001...
00:32:31600,000, 50, 452, first sergeant.
00:32:34Cut.
00:32:35Shit, I lost count.
00:32:37We got it, we got it, we got it!
00:32:39Look!
00:32:42That's my butt.
00:32:43I couldn't help it.
00:32:44I was just trying to figure you guys get...
00:32:47Oh, my...
00:32:48Stop it!
00:32:49Okay, good job.
00:32:53Oh, my God.
00:32:55Oh, look.
00:32:59Hey, it's the sunroof.
00:33:20Oh, look.
00:33:22Gabrielle tucked in a little note into my duffel bag.
00:33:26Oh.
00:33:26Yeah.
00:33:28Dear Bones, by the time you read this, I will already be...
00:33:33Well, I will already be in Milan with Guido.
00:33:39Oh, she dumped you.
00:33:42Sorry, Bones.
00:33:43I must say, though, this guy sounds really nice.
00:33:45He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea.
00:33:47Jack, don't rub it in.
00:33:48No, no, you're better off.
00:33:50She's a horrible speller.
00:33:52There's only one S in loser.
00:33:54Look at that.
00:33:54And immature-ish?
00:33:55I don't even think that's a word.
00:33:57Gabriella.
00:33:59She broke my heart.
00:34:01Sorry.
00:34:02Well, fortunately, I'm too shallow to stay bummed for too long.
00:34:06Oh, would you mind turning the light off, please, Jack?
00:34:12Oh, yeah.
00:34:13Fred, you checked your bag for scorpions, right?
00:34:17Scorpions?
00:34:18He's messing with you, Fred.
00:34:20No, I'm not.
00:34:22Chad is the scorpion capital of the world.
00:34:25Yep, Fred.
00:34:25They're big ones, too, about as big as my fist.
00:34:28They outnumber people two to one.
00:34:30And that margin grows with every sting.
00:34:34So have a good sleep, Fred.
00:34:36Good night, everybody.
00:34:37Good night, Bones.
00:34:38Good night, Sue Allen.
00:34:40Good night, John, boy.
00:34:42Scorpions.
00:34:45All right.
00:34:55I got one.
00:34:56I got one.
00:34:57I got one.
00:34:58I got one.
00:35:00I got one.
00:35:01I got one.
00:35:03I got one.
00:35:04I got one.
00:35:05I got one.
00:35:06I got one.
00:35:07I got one.
00:35:08Ah!
00:35:11Very funny.
00:35:12We're just trying to help you get over your fears, Fred, really.
00:35:16Fred, don't worry about it. You come and sleep with me.
00:35:18Yeah, well, I'd rather take my chances with a scorpion. Thank you.
00:35:25God, I hate this.
00:35:27It's not that bad. It's like camp.
00:35:32John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:36That's my name, too
00:35:38Whenever we go out
00:35:39Whenever we go out
00:35:41There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:44John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith
00:35:49Come on
00:35:50That's my name, too
00:35:53Show!
00:35:54Look out!
00:35:58Go!
00:36:10Get out!
00:36:12Go!
00:36:13Go!
00:36:17Go!
00:36:18Go!
00:36:23Don't eat the chicken.
00:36:25And it tastes just like frog.
00:36:28Thanks.
00:36:30Enjoy.
00:36:36Ready.
00:36:37Go.
00:36:42Who are you, Zach?
00:36:44Special forces.
00:36:4914.11 seconds.
00:36:51Damn.
00:36:52Try it again.
00:36:55Go.
00:36:56He's incredible.
00:36:58Time me.
00:37:01All right.
00:37:03Go.
00:37:05Go.
00:37:16Well, that is not good.
00:37:18What happened?
00:37:18But that is not good.
00:37:20Take it again.
00:37:27Oh, great.
00:37:28It's coming over.
00:37:29Just don't look at him.
00:37:32You lose something?
00:37:35Yeah.
00:37:36Thanks.
00:37:38Put it in my lasagna.
00:37:40You better call 911.
00:37:42Get an ambulance.
00:37:42Find a doctor.
00:37:43Order a toe tag.
00:37:44Because I'm going to tear off your head and spit down your neck.
00:37:46Do you understand me, boy?
00:37:49Hey, hey.
00:37:52You have to relax a little.
00:37:54Take it easy.
00:37:56We're in the middle of a war, and we're on the same side.
00:38:03Would America have won the civil war if Benjamin Franklin did not get along with Eleanor Roosevelt?
00:38:12Right on.
00:38:12A little knowledge.
00:38:14A little knowledge to partay.
00:38:17Go ahead, man.
00:38:18If our soldiers, our American soldiers, acted like this in Desert Storm, Saddam Hussein would still be running Iraq.
00:38:35So maybe we're a bunch of reservists fresh off the plane, right?
00:38:38It's obvious.
00:38:40But you regular guys, you've been here so long that your brains are fried.
00:38:45So I guess what I'm really trying to say is, that doesn't mean we all can't be friends.
00:38:55Please.
00:38:56There's only one problem with you newbies.
00:39:00You don't eat enough.
00:39:01No, that's...
00:39:05Watch it!
00:39:06Shut it!
00:39:19As you were.
00:39:28Son.
00:39:29I bet the mess sergeant could use a volunteer to peel potatoes.
00:39:33Yes, sir.
00:39:34Can I count on you?
00:39:35Yes, sir.
00:39:37Carry on.
00:39:40I happen to know, on this base there's not one unpeeled potato.
00:39:58I heard the Libyans are already backing down and we're going to be out of here in two weeks.
00:40:02Yeah?
00:40:03Well, I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops and we're going to be here until Christmas.
00:40:07Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:40:10Where are you going?
00:40:13Sound like I got bad breath.
00:40:20Help!
00:40:22And until they comply with you in resolution 991, I don't think anybody's going anywhere.
00:40:29Oh, you're amazing, Christine.
00:40:31How do you keep up with all that stuff?
00:40:36Christine?
00:40:38Christine?
00:40:42All right, quit screwing around.
00:40:46Chris, send some water with this mud.
00:40:56Chris!
00:41:01Jack?
00:41:07Fred!
00:41:13How does it feel to be dead, motor boy?
00:41:18I don't know.
00:41:19How does it feel to be a dick, dick?
00:41:29Damn it!
00:41:30Where's my water?
00:41:31There was none delivered last night, first sergeant.
00:41:37Goddamn piece of shit, newbies.
00:41:40How am I going to run a decent HQ without my coffee?
00:41:48That is truly a pathetic sight.
00:41:51Who perpetrated this?
00:42:05Who did this to you?
00:42:08I can't tell you for a sergeant.
00:42:10What?
00:42:10You have too much honor?
00:42:12Oh, I've been threatened with death.
00:42:16Untie these clowns.
00:42:18And give me some water!
00:42:26Ah!
00:42:27I have an announcement.
00:42:29Do you guys want your water?
00:42:31Because you're looking a little bit crispy.
00:42:33You better what?
00:42:33Oh, I know, I know, I know.
00:42:35Tell me if this is right.
00:42:36I better call 976.
00:42:38Find a doctor and tag an ambulance.
00:42:40Because you're going to tear off my toe and spit down my head, right?
00:42:43Do you guess what you're watered or not?
00:42:45Sergeant, report to Captain Roberts.
00:42:48You've got a mission.
00:42:50Water, boys.
00:42:53Report to First Sergeant Williams.
00:42:54You've got a mission, too.
00:42:56Listen up!
00:42:57Captain Denby says we're going to resupply the forward UN peacekeeping base.
00:43:02This is a very simple, routine mission.
00:43:06You will fall into line in the very large, very prepared convoy.
00:43:09All you have to do is follow the truck in front of you.
00:43:13When your troops get thirsty, you will give them water.
00:43:16Conway, you look confused.
00:43:18Are you sure you want to send us to a forward area?
00:43:20We're just water boys.
00:43:21You are soldiers.
00:43:23You will get in that convoy.
00:43:24And you will be a credit to the United States Army.
00:43:27Is that clear?
00:43:27Yes, First Sergeant!
00:43:29Then muscle your lollygagging bus for getting ticket.
00:43:31Move out!
00:43:31Yes, First Sergeant!
00:44:01Damn it!
00:44:02Forget it.
00:44:03They're going to send a tow truck.
00:44:08Man, what I wouldn't do for a double meat chili cheeseburger right now.
00:44:13No.
00:44:14A margarita on the rocks.
00:44:16Mmm.
00:44:18Or some fresh buttery jiffy pop.
00:44:21That's not popcorn, boys.
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:24That convoy's under attack.
00:44:29Really?
00:44:30I don't think so.
00:44:35Maniac shooting at us!
00:44:37Maniac, it's the enemy!
00:44:38What the hell are you doing?
00:44:39Surrendering!
00:44:40Don't shoot!
00:44:41Surrendering!
00:44:45Oh!
00:44:52Bill!
00:44:56Nice going, Christine.
00:44:58Did you have to shoot so close, huh?
00:45:00You scared the shit out of me.
00:45:02Well, excuse me for living.
00:45:03I was just trying to save your worthless little life.
00:45:05Christine, are you aware that after a near-death experience, there's often a desire to have sex?
00:45:11Yeah, Jack.
00:45:12That's right.
00:45:13That's right.
00:45:14I feel it.
00:45:15All right.
00:45:17Just not with you.
00:45:19Ever.
00:45:20Got it?
00:45:21Yeah.
00:45:22Got it.
00:45:23I'm glad we could have this little talk.
00:45:25I didn't feel anything.
00:45:27You guys, let's get out of here.
00:45:29The truck's on fire.
00:45:44The truck's on fire.
00:45:48Day-long, it's gonna...
00:45:56Explode.
00:45:59Where's phone?
00:46:03Hello!
00:46:11Now, rickety-tick, you're mustering lollygaggin' let's lollygaggin' out of here!
00:46:27Is it the road that way?
00:46:29I'm taking the shortcut.
00:46:30Is there one?
00:46:31Uh-huh.
00:46:32The road curves around like this.
00:46:34All we gotta do is cut the desert here and catch up the convoy over there.
00:46:39Watch out!
00:46:40Come on!
00:46:40I think I know what I'm doing here.
00:46:42I guess this is the wrong time to tell you guys I get very easily car-seamered.
00:46:47Uh-huh.
00:46:48Yeah!
00:47:02Bones, I don't see a road.
00:47:05I have the best sense of direction of anyone you know.
00:47:08The road's over there.
00:47:10Three miles.
00:47:11Maybe four.
00:47:13Oh, yeah.
00:47:13Maybe ten.
00:47:15Maybe twenty.
00:47:17Maybe our truck is sinking.
00:47:21No!
00:47:39Push!
00:47:40Ah!
00:47:42Hey, forget it, okay?
00:47:43Just shut it down.
00:47:44We'll kick it out.
00:47:45Now, stand back.
00:47:46Stand back!
00:47:47I'm gonna rock it!
00:47:48Ugh!
00:47:54You quit it.
00:47:54It's not working.
00:47:56You're sucking too much sand into the air filter.
00:47:58I order you to shut it down.
00:48:02You order me?
00:48:04Yeah, but I'm private first class, okay?
00:48:06I'm ordering you.
00:48:07Come on.
00:48:08The only reason you made private first class is because your brother's a poor man.
00:48:20Huh?
00:48:22You happy?
00:48:22You're happy?
00:48:23You're happy?
00:48:26You're happy?
00:48:26Yeah, well, I hope you brought your triple-A card.
00:48:29Let's see.
00:48:36Well, look, you cracked the block.
00:48:38I could have done it if you hadn't stopped me.
00:48:40Yeah, you're so full of it.
00:48:42You know what?
00:48:43Shut up!
00:48:44We gotta figure out what we're gonna do!
00:48:46Well, then why don't you just ask our fearless leader here?
00:48:49Private first class bones, the one with the highest rank.
00:48:52All you had to do, Jack, was just listen to me, okay?
00:48:55I was trying to...
00:48:56All I've ever done is listen to you, and look where it's taken me.
00:48:58Look!
00:49:00We're in the middle of some African hellhole!
00:49:02Under a flesh-frying sun, with the sky filled with vultures, ready to pluck out my eyeballs.
00:49:09Vultures don't come around unless something's about to die.
00:49:13Hey!
00:49:29What are you...
00:49:30Are you ripping the sleeves off your jacket?
00:49:33Oh, that's gonna look sexy.
00:49:36Jack, tomorrow, we have to walk away from this water truck.
00:49:40We have two canteens between us.
00:49:42We're gonna fill up the sleeves of our jackets with water, and then we have more water.
00:49:45Am I the only person who paid attention in survival class?
00:49:52There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:54There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:55That's enough!
00:49:57There's not a scorpion on your back!
00:50:00Uh-uh.
00:50:02There is a scorpion on my back!
00:50:04Frank, there's nothing on your back!
00:50:07You keep on imagining things!
00:50:08Yes!
00:50:13I needed that.
00:50:16I'm sorry I snapped.
00:50:18Look, you don't have to apologize.
00:50:20You're right!
00:50:22I see things very clear now.
00:50:25All right, Fred!
00:50:26Look, guys, I wanna apologize to everybody, okay?
00:50:29He's okay!
00:50:30I feel like a brand new man!
00:50:31All right.
00:50:31Now, can we get some rest?
00:50:33Okay.
00:50:33Okay, thank you.
00:50:34Okay.
00:50:35It's fucking awesome.
00:50:37All right.
00:50:37It's all right.
00:50:44It's all right.
00:50:45What are you doing?
00:50:46It just felt like...
00:50:49He's always playing.
00:50:53Did you guys see that thing?
00:50:54It was...
00:51:04Follow me.
00:51:05I know exactly where I'm going.
00:51:09Trust me.
00:51:35You guys, get down.
00:51:36I see something.
00:51:37Get down!
00:51:49It's a truck.
00:51:50There's the road.
00:51:51We are safe.
00:51:52I told you I had a flawless sense of direction.
00:51:56What a coincidence.
00:51:58That truck looks...
00:52:00That looks like our truck.
00:52:09Hey, listen, you guys.
00:52:10Hey, I figured out why we went in circles.
00:52:14Do you remember our map reading class?
00:52:16We didn't follow the sun.
00:52:22Look, this stream is due west.
00:52:25All we have to do is walk away from the sun in the morning and towards the sun in the
00:52:30afternoon.
00:52:30We should be there by nightfall.
00:52:32So you're saying we should risk being dried up into human jerky again just to follow another one of your
00:52:38half-baked plans.
00:52:40I'm not saying anything, okay?
00:52:42I mean, I'm pretty sure this is going to work, but since I let us down before, I say from
00:52:46here on in, we put everything to a vote.
00:52:49We can't vote.
00:52:51You order, we follow.
00:52:53Okay, why order us to vote?
00:52:55That is not how the army goes.
00:52:57You have to tell us what to do.
00:53:00Well, what if I'm wrong?
00:53:03Then...
00:53:04We die.
00:53:10I order us...
00:53:13To do a sun-baked plan thing.
00:53:17We're dead.
00:53:21Hey, guys.
00:53:23Just think of it as a very long day on a very big beach in a very dry year.
00:53:49Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:53:50Wait a minute.
00:53:51It's the ocean.
00:53:53I don't see anything.
00:53:55What are you, blind?
00:53:56The waves.
00:53:57It's the ocean.
00:53:59It's a mirage.
00:54:01It is a mirage.
00:54:03And there's Caesars.
00:54:05And right across the street is the Barbary Coast.
00:54:07We can get a $3.99 buffet.
00:54:09And it's the ocean.
00:54:11Come on.
00:54:13Come on.
00:54:14Go.
00:54:16Come on.
00:54:18We're spotted.
00:54:20Come on.
00:54:25Come on.
00:54:27Come on.
00:54:34Here's the canteen.
00:54:35Go get your boy, because he's bugging.
00:54:51You okay, man?
00:54:53You okay?
00:54:54Here, take a sip.
00:54:57Listen.
00:54:59Look, Jack, we got two choices.
00:55:02One, we can put your clothes back on and get ourselves out of this mess, go back to Glendale,
00:55:06start up our own store, become rich and famous.
00:55:09Or two, you can lie here butt naked and crushed away, leaving your skull to be found by a young
00:55:15Arabic prince that's going to use it for an ashtray.
00:55:21You don't want that in your head.
00:55:23You make the call.
00:55:25Come on.
00:55:25Let's get out of here.
00:55:27What do you say?
00:55:28Come on.
00:55:29Here.
00:55:31Here.
00:55:32Here.
00:55:32Here.
00:55:33Here.
00:55:34Here.
00:55:35Here.
00:55:35Here.
00:55:35Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:37Here.
00:55:38Come on.
00:55:39Here.
00:55:41Hey.
00:55:43Oh.
00:55:43Oh, Jack.
00:55:44Look at that ass.
00:55:45Maybe you should stay naked.
00:55:47Get some sun on those cheeks.
00:55:57What?
00:55:58Oh, man.
00:55:59Man, now I'm seeing things.
00:56:01The palm trees right on the horizon.
00:56:03Oh, it's another mirage.
00:56:05Oh, my God.
00:56:06I see it, too.
00:56:07It's not a mirage.
00:56:09Those are the palm trees.
00:56:11It's the oasis.
00:56:12Oh, man.
00:56:13You saved our life.
00:56:15Ha, ha, ha.
00:56:21Where's my kiss?
00:56:23Christine.
00:56:30The street was due west, right?
00:56:33It was on the map, right?
00:56:35Where's the water?
00:56:39This is sand.
00:56:47Nobody move.
00:56:50There is a big snake right by your feet.
00:56:55No!
00:56:57Thanks for not moving, Jack.
00:57:01Throw me the gun.
00:57:04If you don't attack it, it'll go away.
00:57:07I don't want it to go away.
00:57:09I want to have it for dinner.
00:57:10Throw me the gun.
00:57:24You want some of this, baby, huh?
00:57:26There you go.
00:57:27Come on.
00:57:28Oh, oh.
00:57:30Oh, no.
00:57:31I'm still going to get you.
00:57:36It's time for me.
00:57:37I'll kill you.
00:57:42Huh?
00:57:43Shoulda, but da, da, da, da, da.
00:57:51It's a win-win situation.
00:57:56Will you look at that?
00:57:59Water from the bullet hole.
00:58:04Water!
00:58:06Water!
00:58:07Water!
00:58:08Water!
00:58:09Fresh water!
00:58:11I can't believe it!
00:58:14Is it snake yet?
00:58:16Depends how you like it.
00:58:18Well done.
00:58:20Used to be afraid of scorpions.
00:58:22Now he's eating snake.
00:58:23That is impressive for him.
00:58:27I thought we were all going to die.
00:58:30But you pulled us through.
00:58:32I don't know how, but thank you.
00:58:47That was, uh, pretty exceptional.
00:58:53So what are you going to do if I get us rescued?
00:58:58Um, I will take off all your clothes, tie you to the bed, rub warm oil all over your body
00:59:14from the bottom of those feet to the top of that head,
00:59:19and proceed to have the nastiest, freakiest sex with you that you have ever imagined.
00:59:30Oh, that's it.
00:59:31Damn it!
00:59:32I saw her first.
00:59:33And look what happens.
00:59:35Same thing that happened with Gabriela.
00:59:37I saw her first.
00:59:39And, and, and Wanda Tushman in the third grade.
00:59:41I saw her first.
00:59:42And that girl in Palm Springs that turned out to be the guy.
00:59:45I saw that thing first, too.
00:59:47You know why I'm not just strangling you right now?
00:59:51Because you can't cook a snake?
00:59:53No.
00:59:55Because no matter how long we've been friends, I never thought you'd be the kind of guy that would save
01:00:01our lives, let alone kill a snake.
01:00:05But you did.
01:00:06Oh, hey, man.
01:00:07Thanks.
01:00:08Yeah.
01:00:10I think it's the UN flag.
01:00:12We're safe!
01:00:15Guys, Christine and I are going to need some time alone.
01:00:17Sure, man.
01:00:19I'm going to take him.
01:00:20I'm going to take him.
01:00:21I'm going to take him.
01:00:22I'm going to take him.
01:00:23The president in the Situation Room of the White House today, and the president is scheduled to address the nation
01:00:28tomorrow at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
01:00:31We will, of course, bring that to you live on...
01:00:33You are the reservist from Glendale, California, correct?
01:00:36This all fuels...
01:00:37According to WNR, you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
01:00:42Um, where are we?
01:00:45You are on a military base, well inside Libya.
01:00:48That is all you need to know.
01:00:50Oh, I forgot to mention.
01:00:53The war is starting tomorrow.
01:00:55How did you know that?
01:00:57American TV.
01:00:59Your country is expected to start bombing our air bases tomorrow.
01:01:03And when that happens, we will unleash missiles with chemical warheads against your bases.
01:01:08Consider yourself lucky to be here.
01:01:11Sleep well.
01:01:15You know, this is fine.
01:01:16It's like the time you got us arrested, Tijuana.
01:01:18Except we're in Libya.
01:01:20And your dad's not going to pick us up here, brother.
01:01:25Yo, it's...
01:01:26Aren't you guys also American?
01:01:32Oh, see, I see.
01:01:34I was wounded, and I don't feel well.
01:01:36Please, sing a song to comfort me.
01:01:38Sing a song?
01:01:39Any song.
01:01:41Oh, because I think I'm sitting there.
01:01:44Oh, okay.
01:01:46Rescue me.
01:01:48Sing.
01:01:49Uh-huh.
01:01:50What?
01:01:50I want your tender chance, cause I'm so mad.
01:01:55My team was on strategic recon.
01:01:58Huh?
01:01:59You know, that's when you go behind enemy lines, and you try to locate their assets, like tanks and bunkers.
01:02:04We were on our way to a resupply drop, and we were ambushed.
01:02:07The other guys were killed.
01:02:08Killed?
01:02:13I took a bullet in the leg, and they brought me here.
01:02:16Uh-huh.
01:02:18I don't know any words to this song.
01:02:20Kiss me, baby.
01:02:21Kiss me, baby.
01:02:22Kiss me, baby.
01:02:23Hold me, baby.
01:02:25Hold me, baby.
01:02:26Hold me, baby.
01:02:27Use this to dig around the base of the bars on the window.
01:02:30I got one of them loose all over there.
01:02:32One of them escape?
01:02:33What are you, crazy?
01:02:38Look, it's the duty of every POW to try and escape.
01:02:41We're in the middle of a desert.
01:02:42Sir, what good is it going to do for us to escape?
01:02:44To complete the recon mission, soldier, a special operations cargo plane was instructed to make a supply drop at a
01:02:50rendezvous point about 15K north here.
01:02:53If we can get off this base, I can get us to the run if we want.
01:02:56You're insane, okay?
01:02:57The Libyans are going to launch chemical weapons.
01:02:59We're much safer here.
01:03:00No.
01:03:00No, I'm a soldier, and I got a job to do.
01:03:03So are you.
01:03:05Now get to work.
01:03:07Private.
01:03:08I'm lonely.
01:03:11Rescue me.
01:03:12Good morning, baby.
01:03:24Bye.
01:03:25Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, my heart.
01:03:30You know what?
01:03:31You didn't scare me.
01:03:33I just fell out screaming.
01:03:34Don't worry about it.
01:03:35Most men think I'm scary.
01:03:40So you can't sleep, huh?
01:03:42I'm too excited.
01:03:44Excited?
01:03:44They might torture us tomorrow.
01:03:46They might even kill us.
01:03:48I know.
01:03:48It's just like the night before Christmas.
01:03:51Yeah, well, at my house, we got presents.
01:03:53I'm talking about the anticipation.
01:03:57We might die.
01:03:59We might escape it.
01:04:01We don't know what's going to happen.
01:04:02That's the coolest thing in the whole world.
01:04:05Most girls are into horses and stuff.
01:04:08You're weird.
01:04:11Most men say that, too.
01:04:14I like it.
01:04:17You do?
01:04:20Yeah.
01:04:21Horses are boring.
01:04:31So, if I do get us out of here, and I will, is it true what you said about tying
01:04:37me up
01:04:37and all that wild, sick stuff?
01:04:40I'll have you kiss me again.
01:04:44Okay.
01:04:50I think I got it.
01:04:52Wait, look.
01:04:53Look at it.
01:04:54You got it?
01:04:54Yeah.
01:04:55Look, look.
01:04:56Oh!
01:04:57Oh!
01:05:00Oh!
01:05:01Stern!
01:05:03Stern!
01:05:04You gotta wake up.
01:05:05I can't turn the alarm off.
01:05:06It's not an alarm.
01:05:07It's an air raid siren.
01:05:08Oh, thank God!
01:05:11I thought I was having another panic attack.
01:05:18Oh!
01:05:33It's okay.
01:05:53Yes.
01:05:58Almost.
01:06:00Try again.
01:06:02Okay, Kush.
01:06:09that was good just a little more to the left we got him yeah you guys just keep trying do
01:06:14you guys
01:06:15realize what we are doing right now this is a scene from pirates of the Caribbean all we need
01:06:21is that mangy dog right and then we can go why just try it again
01:06:30yeah
01:06:38oh
01:06:38oh
01:06:38oh
01:06:39oh
01:06:39oh
01:06:39oh
01:06:39oh
01:06:39oh
01:06:57How much do you love me?
01:07:09I'm sorry. I don't get it. What is it with us and trucks?
01:07:12I mean, we get them, we break them, we smash them, we crash them, we run out of gas. I
01:07:16don't get it.
01:07:16Yes, yes, yes, I understand that, but we're not getting tortured by Baba Gadoosh right now, okay?
01:07:21No, instead we're lost in the desert, again, without food and water, again, stuck with this special forces guy.
01:07:30He can't even walk because he got his legs shot up.
01:07:32Fred, we're free.
01:07:33Damn, we're gonna die free.
01:07:35Or maybe not.
01:07:4455 American dollars.
01:07:47And then on top of it, see this, Chuck?
01:07:51Serious, bona fide, Libyan army fighting machine.
01:07:54And it's all part of this amazing offer, my friend.
01:07:58And maybe if you're lucky, you might even have a Koi track.
01:08:00You can play abu-da-ba-da-ba-da stuff on it.
01:08:04Huh? And you ask me, how could it be?
01:08:07Why such a deal? Because we're crazy, boys!
01:08:11We're giving it away!
01:08:21You like this watch? Is it interesting?
01:08:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:08:25Come on, he likes it.
01:08:27Come on, I just got the phases of the moon and the compass.
01:08:32what this has a compass yeah really yeah well we've been stuck in the desert for three days
01:08:37and you're telling me this watch has a compass sorry oh jack oh you're gonna get some noogies
01:08:43later i'm gonna just pound you like this i forgot yeah well uh about the compass well you're gonna
01:08:48forget about your little watch here jack because it's gone uh-huh here you go my friend hey you
01:08:54guys in my life i've seen a lot of camel's toes but i never see one in a camel i
01:09:03think he's got a
01:09:04crush on you bones really how can you tell because he's been nibbling on your ears yeah and licking
01:09:12on your neck it's okay you're just a camel
01:09:20our supply drops on the other side of that libyan base what libyan base paul are you blind
01:09:27it's a libyan base covered with a camo tent what are you talking about i guess we're gonna have
01:09:32to go around it around what see that jeep right there i see the jeep okay but i certainly don't
01:09:41oh you mean that libyan base the one under the camo tent i thought you guys were talking about
01:09:47some other libyan base will there be medical supplies medical supplies uniforms food water
01:09:54radio everything you need yeah but where is it it's supposed to be right here
01:09:59hey you guys come on
01:10:02hey come on you guys come on
01:10:26hot wheels
01:10:43stern these things are intense no wonder people join the army be all that you can be in the
01:10:51army what happened to him his leg looks pretty bad i think it's infected because he lost a lot of
01:10:57blood but look at his gums they're fabulous man not a touch of gingivitis he's been flossing
01:11:03yeah but why is he acting so wasted oh that's the morphine absolutely the morphine better
01:11:12hello somebody answer us please you gotta believe us we're stuck out here in the middle please just
01:11:18get a hold of yourself soldier oh thank god it's you listen don't say my name what did i say
01:11:25to you
01:11:25when you first arrived in chad uh something about your clock being broken
01:11:30close enough okay calm down son we're gonna get you out of there now listen carefully your call
01:11:37sign is now glendale our call sign is now burbank did you recover the fast attack vehicles glendale
01:11:45oh you mean those doom buggies yeah those things are intense good this equipment was intended for
01:11:51the special forces team to carry out a vital mission you are our only assets on the ground
01:11:57with the right equipment in the right place say what you have to take over glendale
01:12:04listen let me explain something first of all sergeant we're water boys okay please your soldiers first
01:12:11glendale now listen up the libyans have a mobile scud launching base right in your area
01:12:18these scuds are loaded with chemical weapons and targeted at u.s bases our aerial photographs
01:12:25haven't been able to find them you want us to find them well what about stern stern can find them
01:12:30he'll be up pretty soon stern daddy why can't i go to ballet class teacher says i'm a natural
01:12:38these scuds can't be spotted from the air because of heavy camouflage camouflage why didn't you say so
01:12:46in the first place listen we saw the thing this morning stern wrote down the coordinates right
01:12:51stern we'll tell you where it is you guys can come here and bomb the hell out of it come
01:12:56on send the
01:12:56air force it's not enough to tell us you have to go back there and paint it paint it trust
01:13:04me looks
01:13:04perfectly fine the way it is i mean paint it with the laser the laser target designator is in your
01:13:11equipment all you have to do is return to that base point the laser at it and call me back
01:13:17on the radio
01:13:18the air force will do the rest you can be a mile away in perfect safety
01:13:24all right wait a minute chris what get over here no bones they can't make us do anything we don't
01:13:31we
01:13:31don't know how to use this stuff fred do you use lasers in dentistry right i know what's going on
01:13:37you're gonna try to make the brother hold the laser right no my laser was a little itty bitty laser
01:13:41this is a big laser there's a difference glendale glendale no no can't they just evacuate the bases
01:13:48yeah or we can take an hour out of our busy lives hop in these cool doom buggies pop the
01:13:53base with
01:13:53the laser and let the air force blow the hell out of it now you listen to me glendale please
01:13:58hold
01:13:58yourself there one second i'm just trying to have a moment with my friends is that okay just have a
01:14:03cup of java please chill fred when you first got here you were completely freaked right yeah and now
01:14:13look at you huh you're a regular gi joe a fighting man from head to toe and chris you wanted
01:14:20infantry
01:14:22well now's your chance let's see what you got
01:14:27and jack my friend you were a complete screw-up but now look at you you're still a screw-up
01:14:34but if
01:14:35you did this and you survived you'd have stuff to tell your little screw-up grandkids
01:14:39basically you guys up to a few months ago we were all a bunch of minimum wage losers from glendale
01:14:44but this whole event has changed our lives you know who we owe it to the army this is something
01:14:51we gotta do come on go with it chris i know you're with me yeah boy fred listen if you
01:15:00can't handle it
01:15:00i understand man i can handle it jack what do you say man oh i say i say you're crazy
01:15:08i think you're
01:15:09all nuts but you're the the private first class i'm the private i'm gonna follow you my friend
01:15:15wherever
01:15:17all right you guys let's do this thing kick it man dan you ready let's go bone i know i
01:15:26know it's just
01:15:27a little bit of business i have to take care of
01:15:33i you're gonna have to go now you're gonna have to go be all the camel that you can be
01:15:48all right all right troops let's go bust some scuds
01:15:55all right
01:16:10all right
01:16:11all right
01:16:11all right
01:16:21all right
01:16:49glendale to burbank come in i wish we had cooler code names what was that
01:16:53glendale
01:16:54nothing i was just saying that these code names suck
01:16:57can i call you general sweetpants you better remember who you're talking to glendale are you
01:17:02in position guys got no sense of humor yeah we can see the target have you painted it with
01:17:07the laser
01:17:11just did good going glendale the airstrike is inbound you should acquire the target in seven minutes
01:17:19it is vital that you do not take the laser off the target until the target is destroyed
01:17:24can you hold it there for seven minutes
01:17:26i got it propped up here on the rock i can hold it here all day long i'm good to
01:17:30go
01:17:30no problem burbank
01:17:32good
01:17:33lay low
01:17:34and report any change in situation
01:17:37we'll be standing by
01:17:38out
01:17:55come on
01:17:57come on
01:17:59come on
01:17:59come on
01:18:00come on
01:18:01come on
01:18:01come on
01:18:04tell me again about the store
01:18:07oh
01:18:07the store
01:18:08well it's gonna be great
01:18:10we're gonna have our own room where people can get their feet massaged
01:18:14sorrow
01:18:14oh
01:18:35hooray
01:18:36hooray
01:18:37and keep that laser on the target
01:18:41On the target? We are the target!
01:18:47Tell him to hurry up!
01:18:48You better hurry. We got 60 pissed-off Libyans heading towards us.
01:18:52Stay with it. Stay with it.
01:18:57Let's get these guys here. Come on.
01:19:00Okay.
01:19:02Get out of here.
01:19:03All right. This is for the Glendale Waterboy.
01:19:16Not bad, huh?
01:19:17Woo!
01:19:41Reload.
01:19:42No, no, no!
01:19:50Get out of here!
01:20:19Oh, shit!
01:20:20It missed.
01:20:21Yeah, well, at least they didn't blow up my head.
01:20:25Where are you going, soldiers? We know you can do it.
01:20:27Oh, perfect.
01:20:28I'm gonna find you the biggest bottle of champagne in Chad.
01:20:32Yeah, well, don't pop the cork yet. The bomb's missed.
01:20:35The base wasn't hit.
01:20:37You better send another airstrike here and send it fast.
01:20:40Wait one.
01:20:49We're down.
01:20:49Glendale.
01:20:50The backup strike of F-111s is being diverted to your target.
01:20:54ETA, three minutes.
01:20:55Three minutes?
01:20:56What are you, crazy? We don't have three minutes.
01:20:59In three minutes, we're gonna be shish kebabs.
01:21:01We're under serious attack.
01:21:03You'll have to hold them.
01:21:05Yeah!
01:21:06There he is!
01:21:08There he is!
01:21:18Oh, shit.
01:21:19Oh, my God.
01:21:21You better get the planes here sooner. The Scuds are ready to fire.
01:21:24Two minutes and 30 seconds.
01:21:29Hey!
01:21:30Hey!
01:21:31Where's he going?
01:21:39Hey!
01:21:40Hey!
01:21:40Hey!
01:21:47All right!
01:21:48My man!
01:21:50You stay right here.
01:21:52I gotta go.
01:21:53What do you do?
01:21:54What do you do?
01:21:55What do you do?
01:21:57What do you do?
01:22:01Yo!
01:22:04You guys, move over.
01:22:05Move over.
01:22:06Oh.
01:22:09Cock-firing mechanism.
01:22:11Report the situation.
01:22:14Shut up.
01:22:28Aim to set range if known or estimate.
01:22:31Who came up with these directions?
01:22:33I don't know.
01:22:34Tell me to shut up one more time
01:22:35and I'm gonna rip your spine out
01:22:36and use it for a putting iron.
01:22:38Shut up.
01:22:39I'm not good with directions.
01:22:42Push.
01:22:43Safety.
01:22:44And hold down.
01:22:46Okay, now everybody back.
01:22:48Fire.
01:22:49By pushing trigger.
01:22:50Stop.
01:22:55Suck on this a one time!
01:23:03Oh.
01:23:05Sorry.
01:23:10Last chance, my friend.
01:23:20this ladder is trying to pull just a visit.
01:23:27Whoa!
01:23:29Yeah!
01:23:31Yeah!
01:23:32Whoa!
01:23:37Whoah!
01:23:38Yeah!
01:23:39Yeah!
01:23:40Yeah!
01:23:41Woohoo!
01:23:42Yes!
01:23:43Yaaay!
01:23:45Yeah!
01:23:46Yeah! Oh, man!
01:23:50That's my signal. Everybody scream like crazy.
01:23:54Make them think we got 50 guys up here, okay?
01:23:57One and go!
01:24:14We scared them!
01:24:17I can't believe the signal!
01:24:20Come on!
01:24:22Yeah! Don't mess with the Glendale Reserves!
01:24:29Two weeks a year!
01:24:32One week in a month! We're the few!
01:24:35We're the proud!
01:24:37We're the water boys!
01:24:41Oh, Chuck!
01:24:43Get down!
01:25:08Oh, no!
01:25:11Oh, no!
01:25:14Oh, yeah, woo!
01:25:34Yeah! Hey!
01:25:36All right, start the poles.
01:25:37Not bad for a bunch of waterboys, huh?
01:25:40No! Soldiers!
01:25:42I'm proud of you guys!
01:25:44Not now!
01:25:53You ought to be damn pleased with yourselves.
01:25:56Congratulations. You did an outstanding job.
01:25:59It wasn't a job for a sergeant.
01:26:01It was an adventure.
01:26:35You're gonna have to go get a blood test bone.
01:26:37Come on!
01:27:07I'm gonna have to go get a blood test bone.
01:27:08I've been a proud of you guys.
01:27:08I'm good.
01:27:08I'm gonna have to go get my blood test bone.
01:27:12You just made a blood test bone.
01:27:17I'm, like, I'm gonna have to go get a blood test bone.
01:27:21I'll be where you guys are.
01:27:21You're good.
01:27:25I've been bringing this back!
01:27:26All right!
01:27:26I mean, I've got the breast bone.
01:27:26You know, the cello, the cello,
01:27:36the cello, the cello has a lot of work.
01:27:37You
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