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Taskmaster - S18E03 - The Gangsters of the Sea [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
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00:16I
00:16Know you
00:30I
00:36Welcome to taskmaster the olympics for funny people and like elite athletes
00:41Archimedes have been in training for this their whole careers and similarly one slip-up could see them never compete
00:48again
00:48Lose their homes and end up singing sweet Caroline in a high street having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:54they stole from a garden center
00:56The stakes are high and the rewards are low
01:01Let's meet them now, please welcome Andy's
01:05Goldsmith
01:21Next to me a man who secretly confided in me that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:29Challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:44Okay, let's begin yes, and what a way to begin because the prize category this week is the object with
01:51the most soul
01:54Okay, I
01:55Know oh indeed as a guy in a band I get a lot of people stopping me and saying you
02:00are
02:01soul
02:02But it's not about me. It's about Greg
02:05Giving maximum points to the object with the most soul all right, Rosie. Should we start with you?
02:10No
02:13It was rhetorical
02:15It's we are starting with you
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful is a saxophone
02:28Yes, it is
02:30Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No
02:36Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes
02:44Yeah
02:45No
02:45No
02:46No
02:51No
02:52No
02:53No
02:53score badly. What's your favourite saxophone song? If you can give me one, then I'm Mike Scissor,
03:04not putting you at the bottom. Err, oh, right, there is, like, Simpsons.
03:13LAUGHTER, do that, do that, do it, do that. Emma, have you brought something in that
03:21has the most soul? I've brought in a Furby. Oh. Someone's back in the day. Here's Emma's
03:30soulful Furby. I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbies would get up to, but basically,
03:37they're kind of... And they start off like that. Then, as time goes on, they start to learn
03:45from you, and eventually, they're able to say, I love you. LAUGHTER
03:51Also, it opens it with a little tongue, you're like, la-la-la. LAUGHTER
03:56And you put your finger in and it's like, love that. Oh, la-la-la, soul. If I put my
04:01finger
04:02in your mouth, you wouldn't mind it, and that's soul. LAUGHTER
04:07I like a Furby as much as the next person. OK. But you think that a plastic fur-based
04:13toy going dib-dub-dub-dub-dub, a soul? I'm not going to be able to convince you of this.
04:19I just know it to be my truth. LAUGHTER
04:25That is good. She is good. Jack. Yeah. What have you brought in?
04:30I brought James Brown in. Technically, not actually James Brown, but I have brought in
04:36an effigy of James Brown, which is all singing, all dancing. The budget on this show won't allow
04:42us to hear him singing. So if I did it without the tune, oh, I feel good.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:50So...
04:52We're not allowed to say lyrics either.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:55All right. Oh, I feel wood.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59There you go.
05:00Are you ready to see The Godfather of Soul? I am.
05:03Here he is. Here we go.
05:05He goes, oh, I feel wood.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Ooh, I feel wood.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13APPLAUSE
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15APPLAUSE
05:17LAUGHTER
05:17Jesus Christ, this is going to be a low-scoring round.
05:21Andy. Yes.
05:23What soulful thing have you brought in? I brought a shoe.
05:25Ready to see it?
05:27LAUGHTER
05:27LAUGHTER
05:29Obviously, a shoe has a sole, but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:35There's a...
05:36There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes.
05:40It's programmed to play only soul music, the likes of James Brown, Aretha Franklin,
05:45Bananarama...
05:46We'll imagine. We'll...
05:47We'll imagine it.
05:48Yeah.
05:48There's a picture of the sun in Spain, or...
05:51soul, as it's also...
05:54I'm sorry, did...
05:55I've not finished yet, Greg.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57Also, harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard,
06:01I also fixed into the shoes the sole of your late great-great-great-uncle Brian.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:10Do you know what, Andy?
06:11Yeah.
06:11I mean, it says something, it's the best yet.
06:13Right.
06:14Who's next, brother?
06:15I brought in a Nigerian talking drum.
06:18You see, how they make this is quite mythical, right?
06:21What they do, once they build it, they put it in the streets of Lagos,
06:25or whatever town in Nigeria, and what it does,
06:28they believe it absorbs the language of the people
06:31as they're in the streets talking.
06:33So, when you hit it, it sounds like the language being spoken.
06:38So, I tried this out, tried it out.
06:40I live in Stevenage, and I...
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44That's the capital of Seoul.
06:46Yeah.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47I put it outside, I hit it, and it literally said,
06:50you prick.
06:51And so...
06:52LAUGHTER
06:54That's the most soulful thing in this whole line-up right now.
06:58The Nigerian talking drum, people.
06:59Thank you very much.
07:00APPLAUSE
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself.
07:08LAUGHTER
07:08Right, let's score it and move on.
07:10OK. What is the least soulful?
07:12What do you think?
07:13LAUGHTER
07:13I think the saxophone.
07:15Yeah, of course.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:16One point.
07:17OK, I'll give Emma two points.
07:20For daring to suggest there's any soul in a Furby.
07:23Jack, at least he chose the godfather of Seoul.
07:26But then he had him behead himself on television.
07:29So he could only have three points.
07:32Got it.
07:33Andy made an effort.
07:34Sure, it's a series of awful puns around the world.
07:37So, we know that.
07:38Sure, he's dressed as a wizard.
07:40For no reason.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42And he gets four points.
07:43And the only person who actually brought anything
07:45of any consequence in is Baba.
07:47So he gets five.
07:48These are my judgments.
07:49Right on, guys.
07:50APPLAUSE
07:54OK, task time.
07:55Shall we begin, Alex?
07:56Yes, Greg.
07:58Commence...
07:59Countdown!
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01MUSIC
08:16Oh, hey.
08:18Baba!
08:19Emma!
08:20You all right?
08:22This brings back some memories.
08:24Good ones?
08:25Done.
08:28Terrifying.
08:29Is that being operated manually, or is it a machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening, actually.
08:35It's a warning system.
08:36Oh, right, OK.
08:37It's a warning system.
08:38Yeah.
08:39Yeah.
08:39OK, yes.
08:40Not yet.
08:40OK, no, sorry.
08:44Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
08:53LAUGHTER
09:04Oh, cheers, bro.
09:05It was meant to fire off.
09:06Oh, unlucky, bro.
09:08Mm.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:09Put a rocket in your pocket.
09:12Fastest wins.
09:13Your time starts now.
09:15That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.
09:17That's just a tube.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24I'm so sorry.
09:27But what are the asterisks?
09:31There's an asterisk, is there?
09:33There are two.
09:35What do them two stars mean?
09:36Yeah, they're both asterisks.
09:37OK.
09:42Double star.
09:43Dot.
09:45Oh, I'll just ignore that.
09:46The font.
09:47Is this the rocket, this red bit?
09:48No.
09:48None of those bits are rockets.
09:50So, where's the rocket?
09:51Yes.
09:53What do you mean, yes?
09:55Where is the rocket?
09:59Yes.
10:00No, no.
10:01Where?
10:04APPLAUSE
10:10Baba, I might be suggesting here that you don't know what a rocket is.
10:14I know what a rocket is.
10:16I see, like, the space people, they do that.
10:19That's a rocket, right?
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:20Oh, yeah, sorry.
10:21I didn't realise you had a degree.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:25Hey, listen, Greg, we still, we've got to go outside after this, bro.
10:29Like, I mean...
10:30Oh, you're physically threatening me?
10:36I've got to say, it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight
10:39in all these series.
10:40And I've got to tell you, Baba, it was exhilarating.
10:44Woo!
10:48OK, let's crack up.
10:49First to recce for rockets, it is Baba.
10:53Is there a rocket here?
10:54That's the question.
10:55Ooh!
10:57Listen, I've got two children, yeah?
10:59I've got time for this.
11:01Where's the rocket?
11:02Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not going to do this.
11:05We're not going to do this.
11:06Right.
11:18Let's go.
11:19Look.
11:20A rocket.
11:21That's not a rocket, that's like a telescope thing in a jig.
11:24Anything under here?
11:26Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
11:29Ah, that's half a rocket.
11:31What onto something?
11:33What's that?
11:34What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:37What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket.
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket.
11:43Yes, you have.
11:44Bah!
11:46That was the rocket.
11:48It was in the...
11:50This is an orca.
11:51This is an orca's mouth.
11:52It was in the orca's mouth.
11:54And let's say killer world, because that sounds gangster.
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth.
12:00APPLAUSE
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is.
12:07He found it quickly, and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea.
12:14Absolute textbook.
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is, but...
12:17Yeah, I know.
12:18You didn't believe in me, but you've seen us.
12:19I've learned that now, and now I believe there's no need for it to come to blow.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:24Good.
12:25Who is next?
12:26Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments.
12:30Zoltz and pep...
12:30Zoltz and Emma.
12:31Zoltz and Pepper.
12:32Zoltz and Emma.
12:35It looks like a rocket.
12:36That's not a rocket.
12:37No.
12:38Well, it's not a rocket until it's fired.
12:39It's a potential rocket.
12:40Even then, that is not a rocket.
12:42I don't see why.
12:43Why can that not be a rocket?
12:44It hasn't got fins.
12:46I'm just thinking...
12:48Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:50Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better.
12:54Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:56I made myself a rocket, but it didn't go in my pocket.
12:58Right, OK.
13:03Oh, shit.
13:07Right.
13:08Are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah.
13:10In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket,
13:16that doesn't count as an actual rocket,
13:17unless you are a rocket scientist.
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist,
13:21you must now put two rockets in your pockets.
13:25Are you a rocket scientist?
13:26No, I'm not.
13:26Right.
13:28I did languages.
13:30Took two rockets.
13:31Yes, please.
13:31Am I allowed out of the room?
13:32Absolutely.
13:33Oh, right, OK.
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before.
13:37Two rockets in your pockets?
13:39One like that?
13:40No, that's not a rocket.
13:41That's a can of Coke with a sweet in.
13:43Fuck's sake.
13:44Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:45I'm going to have to give you this.
13:48If you swear at any point after drawing, making,
13:50or writing your own rocket,
13:51you must now put three rockets in your pockets.
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket, though.
14:09Was he on the rocket?
14:10You're saying that's a rocket?
14:11No, no.
14:12Oh, well, there is a rocket there.
14:14Well, there you go.
14:16You found a rocket?
14:16I found one.
14:17I need another rocket.
14:21No, no, no, no.
14:23We're going back inside.
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:26Not a shark.
14:27There's a rocket in there.
14:30Walker?
14:33I stopped the clock.
14:34Right, that took a long time.
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:40No.
14:41Well, if you want.
14:45Oh, like, in this pot.
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket.
14:55Well, you'd better put it in your pocket, then.
14:56OK, now I'm on board with it.
14:58All right, fine.
15:00Any other little rockets about...?
15:02Oh, my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go.
15:08Time's up!
15:09I've stopped the clock.
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me.
15:11Yeah, sorry.
15:12Oh, no, no.
15:15APPLAUSE
15:21Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on.
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it.
15:25Me? Yeah.
15:26Oh, sorry.
15:27Well, I'm at it.
15:28I also found it really irritating when you opened the plug
15:30and there was a rocket inside and you looked at the camera as if to say...
15:35Yeah.
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly that a yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket.
15:40Yeah.
15:42Repeatedly.
15:42You know, if you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it.
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket, does it?
15:51Become a rocket.
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket.
15:53Yeah.
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant.
15:55Yes.
15:56LAUGHTER
15:58Er, Emma.
16:00Yeah.
16:00Now, I'm...
16:01I'm no rocket scientist.
16:03Fine.
16:03But putting a sweet inside a can of Coke...
16:07LAUGHTER
16:08How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision and also it didn't even fizz.
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20LAUGHTER
16:20Well, look, Bubba took 5 minutes 52.
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10.
16:24Emma, 39 minutes.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27Wow.
16:27Oh, my God.
16:28Get in!
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30All right, part one is over.
16:32It never really loved you anyway.
16:33Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum.
16:35It's finished!
16:36Let it go!
16:36Make a life with part two.
16:38It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom.
16:41We'll see you in a bit.
16:43APPLAUSE
16:50Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part two.
16:54Please remind us what was happening before the break,
16:57my sad little otter.
16:59LAUGHTER
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket
17:01and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:07Can I go watch the ballroom?
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it'll be...
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it?
17:17That's the thing.
17:18Mm-hm.
17:19I know what you mean.
17:20It's so annoying.
17:21Yeah, it is.
17:21OK.
17:23OK.
17:24Is it rocket salad?
17:36That's what I was looking for.
17:38It stinks.
17:40Done.
17:44I've done the clock.
17:45You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:47I've done the clock.
17:49You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:49I've enjoyed that.
17:50Well done, me.
17:54Wow!
17:56APPLAUSE
17:57OK.
17:57Great moment.
18:00Two grown adults.
18:02Genuinely thrilled that they put salad in their pockets.
18:05Oh, come on.
18:06You should try it sometime.
18:07It's good.
18:07Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.
18:09Yeah, I'd like that.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:14Rosie.
18:15That well done me was genuine, wasn't it?
18:17Yeah.
18:20Honestly, that's the best thing I've ever done.
18:25The wizard has a point.
18:27Just, um...
18:29What was the wording of the task?
18:32It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.
18:35Right.
18:35It's like a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, didn't it?
18:38A rocket.
18:39Do you want me to take Rosie's point off her?
18:43Yeah.
18:45Just look at Rosie when you say it.
18:48Yeah, I do.
18:48Yeah.
18:51Does the word A mean nothing these days?
18:54You are a prick today.
18:56LAUGHTER
18:58That's perfectly fine.
19:00That's what I'm not...
19:01I'm not some pricks.
19:03I'm a prick.
19:06APPLAUSE
19:12Sarah, do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:15What's the timing of this?
19:16Yeah, yeah, it is.
19:18You haven't yet said that.
19:20All right, let's get to that first.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:22Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket in 2 minutes 40.
19:27Yeah, let's take away the point.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:32Jack pocketed rocket in 1 minute 59.
19:35Wow!
19:37APPLAUSE
19:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:41Yeah, everything he said, I'm going to back it.
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46I've got news for you.
19:47I am going to allow rocket.
19:49And I want you to know this.
19:51I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:58Rocket stunts.
19:59In that case, it's one point to Emma, two to Andy, three to Bubba,
20:02four to Rosie, but five to Mr Jack Dean.
20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:09Is it scoreboard time?
20:11It is Bubba with your speedy rocket.
20:13You are in joint first place with Jack Dean on eight points.
20:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:39Yo!
20:40What's going on?
20:41Hello, Bubba.
20:41Man like?
20:43You're on dry land.
20:44Dry land, yeah.
20:45Yeah.
20:46You've been at sea.
20:48That's a caravan, bro.
20:49It's a submaravan.
20:51LAUGHTER
20:53Oh.
20:55Do I?
20:57You do.
21:01We create a famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:12Most creative recreation wins.
21:17Do I look like I go to art exhibitions?
21:19I'll go to an art exhibition, my guy.
21:22You have 20 minutes.
21:23Your time starts now.
21:26Right.
21:28Famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:31You understand it?
21:32Of course I understand it.
21:33What's the matter with you?
21:35You kept saying recreation.
21:36I said recreation instead of recreation,
21:38but, you know, they are the same spelling, aren't they?
21:42APPLAUSE
21:45Well, I'm just excited to see these.
21:483D art.
21:49OK, would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?
21:51I want to see a hard art montage.
21:54OK.
21:55Here you are.
21:56Oh, my God.
22:01Noisy?
22:01It's really noisy.
22:03I hate bloody flowers.
22:05Don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:10It needs to go far corner.
22:12Far back as it goes, I think.
22:18Hi, Alex.
22:22Are you all right?
22:24Yeah, I'm all right.
22:24Shall I shit here?
22:27LAUGHTER
22:27Oh, I shit.
22:31OK.
22:32So, the Andy Warhol ones,
22:36did he do baked bean tins?
22:41Soup?
22:41Baked beans is a lump of soup.
22:51Does this look like a human mother?
22:55I need to get my thug pose on.
22:58Let me look like a thug.
22:59No gang affiliation over here, bruv.
23:01Apart from the church.
23:03I go to church.
23:04I gang bang for Jesus.
23:05You get me?
23:06OK.
23:08I don't know if you're celebrating a goal,
23:10but really upset.
23:11Oh, upset?
23:12Yeah.
23:15Did you do that?
23:16Yeah.
23:17Wow.
23:18Yeah, did that.
23:19I'm slipping in.
23:21Oh!
23:22That feels gross!
23:26APPLAUSE
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:38LAUGHTER
23:41It's literally like the man came back to life.
23:45Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers?
23:49Why?
23:49You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.
23:51I quote,
23:52I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:56You know what it is?
23:57I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers.
24:00Because when I'm walking on the street, people will be like,
24:02oh, he's in the doghouse.
24:03It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse.
24:05You know what I'm saying?
24:06LAUGHTER
24:06How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:08Oh, oh.
24:12Not including the ones you take off lampposts.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:20Um, Emma?
24:21I'm already quite impressed,
24:23cos I already know what your painting is.
24:24Really?
24:24It's clipped, right?
24:26Yeah.
24:26Mm-hm.
24:27Well, look, I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting.
24:31Let's see it in all its glory.
24:32Here we go.
24:33MUSIC
24:42Ah, that's good.
24:44APPLAUSE
24:44Well done.
24:46That was quite a good one.
24:49Wow.
24:51I mean, so rarely on this show that I just have to just say,
24:55oh, that's good.
24:55Yeah.
24:56It was good.
24:57It was good.
24:57The original sparked a sexual revolution.
24:59Do you think hers will?
25:01Meh.
25:02I can't feel anything.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:06It's really good, Emma.
25:08OK.
25:08Well, shall we see another?
25:09Yes.
25:09Well, as you might have worked out,
25:11Andy Zoltzman took on the almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso.
25:14Wow.
25:15So, first of all, we're going to look at the original.
25:18Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful
25:21anti-war painting to help raise awareness and raise money
25:24during the Spanish Civil War.
25:25It's harrowing.
25:26And here's Andy Zoltzman's 3D recreation.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:38APPLAUSE
25:44I mean, we have to reward ambition.
25:48It's incredibly ambitious.
25:50I mean, I just feel, amongst the many things this show doesn't address,
25:54the pity of war is right up there.
25:58Cow's the wrong way round.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you...
26:05You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting?
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10Well done, wizard.
26:11OK.
26:11Well, next up, with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear.
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it.
26:17Cos we've got his face in the room.
26:19Yep, it's Vincent Jack Goff. Here we go.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:37Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted than Vincent van Gogh?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46LAUGHTER
26:47Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday by comparison.
26:52Another one.
26:53Really good.
26:54This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:57OK, time for another break,
26:58and probably some more adverts for holidays in the sun.
27:01Cos the living crisis?
27:03Yeah.
27:04More like Costa del Sol living la vida loca crisis.
27:07Let's whack it over to the credit cards.
27:10Wayne Lineker, call me YOLO!
27:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24Come on, then.
27:25Here we are.
27:27It's part three,
27:28and some classic artworks are being brought to life in a three-dimensional way.
27:32Cool.
27:32Yeah, I love 3D.
27:34But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:37Next up, there's the artist currently known as Rosie Jones.
27:42BLOOMER!
27:45Andy Warhol from Campbell's Soup.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:57APPLAUSE
27:58APPLAUSE
28:02It's some Campbell's Soup.
28:06I get it.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:08It's really good, yeah.
28:10It's good.
28:11Everyone liked it.
28:12Everyone...
28:12Did you like it?
28:14Not that much.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16One left, Greg.
28:18Yes.
28:18One left.
28:19And this man doesn't go to art galleries.
28:21He hates flowers.
28:22It's Bubba's turn.
28:25Oh!
28:30Very good.
28:31It is good.
28:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:43Oh, sorry.
28:44Sorry about that.
28:45You like that, Greg?
28:50Well, now, yes.
28:51Of course I do.
28:52Yes, you do.
28:53You see the angle?
28:54You know what I'm saying?
28:54This is what I'm trying to say.
28:55I keep telling people I'm amazing.
28:58LAUGHTER
29:01Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D pics.
29:05Well, I'm going to have to give everyone a really high score, aren't I?
29:07And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:10So I'll give everyone five points.
29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:18OK.
29:19What's next, please, little Alex Hall?
29:21OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub.
29:23Ooh!
29:36In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:42Lovely!
29:44Oh, we have company.
29:45Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:51Do you want...
29:52Yes, please.
29:53Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:58Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:13This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:20Oh, my God.
30:23Hiya.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys, are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Great.
30:31I'll come and get your team name soon.
30:32I've got time to go to the toilet.
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking.
30:40Yeah.
30:40There's your answer sheet, you all right?
30:42D.
30:43OK, there's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK, enjoy. Anyone need anything?
30:47Good luck, enjoy.
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:53I got my phone.
30:55Oh, my God.
30:55Oh, my God.
30:55Oh, my God.
30:56Oh, my God.
30:59Oh, my God.
30:59Oh, my God.
31:00Oh, my God.
31:05Oh, my God.
31:10Oh, what's up?
31:11One of you look after you.
31:12A little book of...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone?
31:16Save that now.
31:18872.
31:19Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:20Cheers, mate.
31:21OK.
31:22Team name, please.
31:23GK Piki People.
31:25We're team honesty.
31:26Team honesty.
31:27That's funny.
31:29And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs.
31:31But, like, they're animals.
31:33Cheetahs?
31:34Just Cheetahs with a Z.
31:35C-H-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:40Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right, let's go get my microphone and then we'll be off.
31:43Oh, yeah.
31:44Yeah.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hmm.
31:50I'm also married.
31:52Mm-hmm.
31:52I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss and cheat with the cheating.
31:55Handshake or whatever?
31:56I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:58Yeah.
31:58Check that.
32:04I can't remember what's in there.
32:06OK.
32:07All right, everybody.
32:09Erm, what's in your right hand?
32:11Nothing.
32:13It's the form of the floor there.
32:15I will put the books in my area.
32:17Can I have the guide to the Beavers, please?
32:20And also AirPods out.
32:21You're so strict!
32:22Yes.
32:23Sorry, I didn't see it down on.
32:24Mm-hmm.
32:24Sorry about that, bro.
32:25Excuse me.
32:27Hello, hello!
32:28Pretty much back to square one.
32:29Hello?
32:30Everyone here?
32:36Are you pub quizzes before we start?
32:38No.
32:39I think it's a waste of pub time.
32:42Every Monday.
32:43Thank you, Emma.
32:44Do you really, Emma?
32:45Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Q, what's your tinkle?
32:48Erm, no arguments.
32:52Because we have a problem with arguing, so one day we realise, oh, if we called no arguments,
32:57maybe we'll stop.
32:59Oh, quite...
32:59So now we just argue on the way home.
33:02It's me and my husband.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06All right, then.
33:06You want to see the quiz?
33:07I want to see the quiz.
33:08OK, pens down, heads up or something.
33:11It's time to quiz!
33:13Welcome to the ship.
33:14Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:16OK, question one.
33:17What is the largest species of rodent?
33:20What is the largest species of rodent?
33:22Not that.
33:24It's not a mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary Queen of Scots executed by her cousin?
33:31Elizabeth Firth, of course.
33:33In what year...
33:34I'm just going to faint choking.
33:36I got cramped.
33:39Oh!
33:39Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:41Oh, my God!
33:43Yeah.
33:44Oh, man.
33:46It's quite early in the quiz to get cramped.
33:48Right.
33:49She just needs to be...
33:52Yeah, yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Yeah.
33:55Oh!
33:57There's a hat there, though.
33:59Yeah.
34:00Yeah.
34:02Yeah.
34:03Yeah.
34:04Yeah.
34:04I'm feeling better now.
34:06Right.
34:07See you later!
34:08We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:09See you later!
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:14It's 500.
34:15Yeah.
34:15Do you think it's that?
34:16Yes.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:25Come down!
34:26Come down and help!
34:27What do you...
34:28Come down and help, mate!
34:29That's not really how it works, then.
34:31You don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:33Basically...
34:33Yeah.
34:34I feel so sick.
34:35Okay.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:40Okay, yeah, please.
34:45Okay.
34:46Phone's away, please.
34:51I see what you're doing there.
34:55If I potted a red, then a black, then a red, then a pink, then a red, then a yellow,
35:05then a red, then a black, then a red, then a brown, then a red, then a green, then all
35:07the colours, what would my break be worth?
35:09Yeah.
35:09I'll be honest with you.
35:10I think this is when we do a quick romantic cheat.
35:15So can I just give you a quick...
35:17There we go.
35:19Let's never speak of it again.
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:28What is Sue...
35:29I need a sick bucket, now!
35:31A big bucket.
35:33Yeah.
35:35Cool, Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry I can't take your call.
35:39Come on, Sue!
35:40I need a underwater hockey.
35:41What?
35:41Hockey.
35:42Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:44Hockey.
35:45Hockey.
35:45Hockey.
35:46Hockey.
35:52Hello, everyone.
35:53Okay.
35:53Hiya!
35:54The answers.
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56No, sorry, we've just gotten them all mixed up.
35:58Quick as you can, please.
36:00Let's swap with them.
36:02As long as you don't have your own.
36:03As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course, please sit down.
36:09Kapubara.
36:1015.87.
36:12356 points.
36:13That would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is...
36:19Football.
36:19It's hockey.
36:21It's not, it's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got a hand before we give her a call in the break.
36:32I'm sorry, I don't want to be afraid about this.
36:34Can we call her now?
36:34Give her a call now.
36:36Yeah, please.
36:36Call her now.
36:36Put it on the speaker.
36:37Let's hear it.
36:39Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry I can't take your call, but I'm at the underwater hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, because I actually really love football.
36:52Underwater football.
36:53Have you just caught up the scores?
36:56The sporty foodie flag, guys.
36:59Yep.
36:59Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:07Didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two.
37:12Well, we got three.
37:14We thought we had got more.
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is...
37:17Well, misspelling apparently.
37:18Well, I've misspelled the word misspelling.
37:21BUZZER
37:21Well done, guys.
37:23All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:26APPLAUSE
37:31I mean, some of the most ludicrous overacting.
37:35I mean, Jones went down within seconds.
37:37Yeah, good friend.
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress
37:41when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:43I never trained, darling.
37:45I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show.
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he?
37:51He wasn't overacting.
37:53Yes.
37:53But there's more to come, right?
37:55We're only halfway through.
37:56They've both pretty much neck and neck.
37:57I've caught them a few times,
37:58but there is a second half to come.
37:59That's the end of part three.
38:01Come back for part four
38:02and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:05It'll be like watching your kid in a school play,
38:07except shorter and fun,
38:09and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:10by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:13Just me?
38:25Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show
38:29where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz,
38:33where the two teams have to win by cheating
38:36at least five times
38:37without being caught by old eagle-eyes horn,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:40Here's how they get on.
38:43Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one, what is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phone's away, please.
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again.
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro.
38:59Come on, man.
39:00We're getting drunk.
39:01Question three, please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:04A delivery?
39:04Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:06Yeah.
39:07This is a pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:11Yeah, you're right.
39:16I don't think anyone saw that.
39:18Oh!
39:20Oh!
39:23There's no one there.
39:25What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right.
39:29We'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33What?
39:41What are we going on?
39:42We are...
39:44We are...
39:46YO!
39:47YO!
39:48YO!
39:49YO!
39:50YO!
39:51YO!
39:52YO!
39:55OK.
39:57Oh, this thing is inside.
40:01Hello, everyone.
40:02Hiya.
40:03Hiya.
40:04OK.
40:05The answers.
40:06Please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:09OK, what was I holding?
40:10What was redacted there?
40:12A colander.
40:15How did you know that?
40:17It's just the expression.
40:19It's a colander.
40:20And it was a colander?
40:21Yeah.
40:22I love the colander.
40:24Mmm.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Woo!
40:29Please get out.
40:29Thank you. Bye-bye.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:31Cheers, guys.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Bubba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God.
40:46But we subtract points from the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times,
40:54which means the team of three win the quiz.
40:56Wow!
40:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:59There we go.
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go.
41:07So four is the team of two.
41:08Five is the team of three!
41:09APPLAUSE
41:10Very good!
41:10Very good!
41:11Very good!
41:12Very good!
41:14Can we get the scores out?
41:15Yes, we can have a first look at the series scores if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Mm.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:21We've got Andy on 37, Bubba on 40, Emma on 42,
41:24then we jump to Rosie on 46, Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:28Woo!
41:29APPLAUSE
41:32OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:46What is going on?
41:49We found their doppelgangers!
41:51LAUGHTER
41:55It's uncanny!
41:57Are you just going to read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:04Russell Russell, Phil Phil, Mark Mark, Rob Rob and Pat Pat.
42:09When Alex blows his whistle,
42:11you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you
42:15or perform one action.
42:17The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark,
42:33Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50LAUGHTER
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:56If you correctly fill Phil or Mark Mark or Rob Rob or Russell Russell,
43:00you will get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:13Let's go.
43:14Rob.
43:16No.
43:16Phil.
43:17No.
43:18Russell.
43:18No.
43:19Mark.
43:20No.
43:20Pat.
43:21No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24Phil.
43:25No.
43:26Rob.
43:26Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark.
43:32Yes.
43:32Pat.
43:33Yes.
43:35Not yet!
43:36Sit down!
43:37Hey!
43:39Move!
43:40Now move!
43:41Now move!
43:42Move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:54It's Mark, Pack, Russell, Robin, Phil.
43:59Rob.
43:59Rob.
44:00Rob.
44:01Move!
44:01For...
44:02Good.
44:05Rob.
44:06Not mine.
44:07There has been a successful action.
44:10Move!
44:18There has been a successful action.
44:20We have a disqualification.
44:21Bubba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair.
44:24He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Bubba.
44:26At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:29Move!
44:30Okay.
44:32Oh, shit!
44:36That's definitely not his name.
44:41OK, we've got some more action.
44:42This is good.
44:43Move.
44:48We have more actions.
44:50Move, please.
44:50Move.
44:53We have action over there.
44:55Another sticker.
44:56Please move.
45:02We have a disqualification.
45:03Jack D is gone.
45:04Jack's gone.
45:05Only three left in the game.
45:07Ray, you're going to kill me.
45:13Rosal.
45:14Mark.
45:15Phil.
45:17Yes!
45:19Go!
45:20OK.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:24Emma has one sticker.
45:25The Wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers.
45:29She's got two.
45:30I know.
45:31She's playing you, Emma.
45:32She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:37Move, move, move.
45:40Some action going on.
45:43The Wizard has another sticker.
45:45And move.
45:47We have more action here.
45:49The Wizard has three stickers.
45:55Four stickers.
45:59seem to be very close.
46:00We could be approaching the endgame.
46:04We have five stars.
46:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09We will add those scores.
46:11The final score, come down and join me!
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:20What a rush
46:23All right, well as you saw there was only five points to one person there and that person was mr.
46:28Andy Zaltzman
46:34Table today looks like this. He's only gone and done it the winner with 21 points
46:49I
47:19You
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