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Taskmaster - S18E07 - Captain Jackie and the Hotdog [Full Movie] [Full Version]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:16I
00:16Mean you're useless
00:37My job is simple objectively judge the performative attempts of five comedians
00:42The complication is I don't have a rational mind being as I am
00:46Drunk on testosterone and out of my mind on cake
00:52Combine this with the undeniable facts that some of our contestants are incompetent and we've got ourselves a recipe for
00:58one hell
00:59Of a car park fight. Let us meet them again. Now. They are
01:17Sitting next to me a man who looks like a haunted lighthouse keeper drawn by a friendless child
01:31Thank you
01:35What is the price task young fellow my lad yes showtime and for this episode's prize task
01:40They've been asked to bring in the object that is bigger than your head
01:44That you would most like to carry with you for the rest of your life if you had to carry
01:48an object with you for the rest of your life
01:50Five points for the one Greg thinks is best and all five will be carried home by the episode winner
01:55J'ai fini
01:55Merci
01:58Rosie Jones what objects have you brought in you would most like to carry around with you for the rest
02:03of your life?
02:03Okay, I'm very happy
02:07Yeah
02:11Your head
02:14Here it is
02:16Here it is
02:24So here's how I will carry it
02:28For the rest of her life
02:34I
02:37I
02:38Really think it will open doors for me
02:42Do you Rosie?
02:44People would see me come in and be like
02:49Greg
02:52Well that implies I look visually
02:55Like a relatively small woman with a massive puppy and maché hair
03:01I mean it's absolutely incredible
03:03Who's next Baba?
03:05Oh no
03:06After that like mine's genuinely boring like it's practical though. I bought speakers subwoofer speakers
03:13Yes Baba brought in this
03:17Boring innit?
03:19But I'm a lover of music and I
03:22That's the only thing I could find that was bigger than my head that I would genuinely love to carry
03:26around for the rest of my life
03:27You give me Bob Marley's greatest hits and that I'm sorted
03:30You're not one of those blokes in my local park who carries one of those
03:34Hell yes I am
03:34You're that guy
03:35I am that guy
03:36Mr. Middle Class
03:37Yes I am
03:40No, I don't
03:41I think you're more
03:41You're too considerate to be the speaker guy
03:43For who? I don't give a shit about anybody
03:47What I like about it Baba
03:48Yes
03:48Is that you genuinely would like to have a speaker
03:51100
03:51And it speaks very sweetly of your love of music
03:54Ever
03:55Okay, I wanted something that looked good
03:57Yeah
03:58And was lightweight and useful to me
04:01Sick
04:01Okay, so I brought in a hat
04:03This is a hat
04:04Okay
04:05Yes
04:06I like it
04:07To be fair it is a good hat
04:08Now
04:09But obviously I wanted it to be of some use to me
04:12Okay, so within the hat is inbuilt moisturiser
04:24Is moisturising very important to you?
04:26Absolutely
04:27I'm proudly
04:29Er
04:30No
04:30I'm proud to say that I suffer with
04:33I know
04:33Say it
04:34You're proudly what?
04:35I'm proudly dry
04:36I'm a dry woman
04:37And I like to be moist
04:40Oh, that last
04:41Someone say that
04:42That's it
04:43That
04:46As you know, I'm a singer songwriter
04:48Oh, I didn't know that
04:49Well, get over it
04:52If I had to carry around an item for the rest of my life
04:55It's bigger than my head
04:56Yeah
04:56It would be this
04:57I wrote a ditty because, as I said, I'm a singer-songwriter
05:01and it explains the prize a bit more.
05:03So, here you go.
05:08This is my prize.
05:11It's bigger than my head.
05:13This is my prize.
05:16I brought him for Greg.
05:20It's not for Alex.
05:22Nothing rhymes with his name.
05:24That's not his fault.
05:26He's got his parents to blame.
05:28This is the good bit, right?
05:30Ooh, can you believe your eyes?
05:36It's my taskmaster prize.
05:40There you go. How about that?
05:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:47It's really sweet, yeah.
05:48There's only one left.
05:50Andy Zaltzman.
05:51You look fabulous.
05:52Thanks, mate.
05:52You're welcome.
05:53Eyes up.
05:56The object I've brought in that's bigger than my head
05:57that I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life
05:59is a rhinoceros's head
06:02that fires cricket balls out of its mouth.
06:04Oh, God.
06:06Yeah, here we go.
06:07Action.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:14I guarantee you carry that with you for the rest of your life,
06:16you'll have a lot of interesting chats with strangers.
06:19Is that something that the rest of you would like to win?
06:22If that was on my street, that going on,
06:24I would go, well, look, I'm not safe.
06:27I have to move boroughs.
06:28She is mad.
06:29She is mad.
06:31And then, as soon as you finish that sentence,
06:34off comes the lid.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:39All right, let's give some points, though.
06:40Yes, please.
06:41Right.
06:41Right, I'm going to give five points to Emma.
06:43I can't really distinguish between a papier-mâché rhinoceros
06:47that fires balls and a papier-mâché me with breasts.
06:50So I'll give those two four points.
06:52I'll give Jack three points.
06:54And I'm giving Baba two,
06:55just because I like the fact that he loves music.
06:57And why not reward sweetness?
06:58There you go.
07:02Well, first of all, we're going to see how the cast copes with ropes.
07:26Good morning, Andy.
07:27Morning.
07:28Morning, Alex.
07:29So what's happening?
07:31Well, I don't want you to look up.
07:33You don't want me to look up?
07:34No, thank you.
07:35OK.
07:37Don't look up, please, Rosie.
07:39No.
07:39Is that why you're wearing the hat?
07:43That's exactly why you're wearing the visor.
07:46Ring the bell.
07:50You may not look up.
07:53Fewest ropes pulled wins.
07:55You have a maximum of ten minutes.
08:00Your time starts now.
08:02The S of starts is with a five.
08:04I think someone was supposed to put an S, but they put a five.
08:08Right.
08:08So it's time start five now.
08:11You don't think that was deliberate?
08:12In my...
08:13Oh, so what?
08:14I've only got five minutes.
08:15No, you've got ten minutes.
08:21So the five font thing is causing consternation.
08:25Oh, it got in their heads, Greg.
08:27Got into their heads.
08:28Let's go.
08:29We're going to see Andy first.
08:31Let's see if this rings a bell.
08:32Oh, so I assume there's a bell above me.
08:40Okay, right.
08:41I feel like I'm missing a clue somewhere.
08:44There's nothing in there.
08:45Could be B11 rather than bell.
08:48Well, maybe I'll try number one.
08:53A lot of balls.
08:54No bells.
08:56Oh, hang on.
08:59Have you pulled rope number eight yet?
09:01Well, no, I haven't.
09:03Right.
09:04Does that mean I should pull it?
09:05I mean...
09:06Again, I don't...
09:06Are there any other messages in there?
09:08That's half your time gone, Andy.
09:10Right, okay.
09:12I can't, like, call Ian Bell the cricketer on my phone.
09:15That doesn't count.
09:15Do you have his number?
09:16No, I don't.
09:18Well, I'll try an eight, bro.
09:28I see I've pulled eight.
09:30Yeah, it's just a long rope.
09:31I feel like this has nothing to do with the ropes.
09:37That's not a bell, by the looks of it.
09:40Oh, it's like a number seven.
09:42Might as well.
09:46Why not four?
09:52Oh, that's the cat, obviously.
09:56Doesn't appear to have a bell in...
09:57No, bell, no.
09:58You never know.
09:59Some breeds of cat do.
10:00Right.
10:02There's no real way of emerging from this with any form of dignity.
10:07No!
10:07Is that Ian Bell up there?
10:08Did I just ring Ian Bell?
10:09Right, there's two ropes left.
10:13BUZZER
10:14BUZZER
10:15BUZZER
10:16BUZZER
10:16BUZZER
10:18That's the end of the time.
10:19I didn't ring a bell, particularly there.
10:22No, I didn't hear any bells.
10:23Right.
10:23No.
10:24That's a shame.
10:25Quite a mess as well.
10:27APPLAUSE
10:31So, it's taken me a long time to work out about you.
10:34Yeah.
10:34You sort of have the countenance and employ the vernacular of a scientist.
10:37Yes.
10:38But I wrote down what you actually did there, which was to randomly pull all the ropes, fail the tasks,
10:45whilst occasionally banging on about cricket again.
10:48Yeah.
10:50Yeah, but then you look back through the history of science, Greg, what did Isaac Newton do? He just sat
10:54under trees till something fell on his head.
10:56So, is it really that different?
10:58Said something about Googlies.
10:59Yeah, yeah.
11:01Basically, Andy did very badly.
11:03He pulled all the ropes. There were lots of numbers hidden around the ropes, but they didn't mean anything at
11:06all.
11:07Next.
11:07OK.
11:08Right, next, it's the Dee family.
11:10Jack Dee and Babatundee.
11:12Here we go.
11:13Not all of them are connected to a bell.
11:15OK.
11:16It's a game of luck.
11:18You know, some slightly lost interest.
11:20Right.
11:20But we'll go for it.
11:23Oh!
11:24Ah!
11:25I don't want to pull anything!
11:29Oh, I like that.
11:30Yeah.
11:30Oh, OK.
11:31You know what?
11:32This one's furthest away.
11:37No bell.
11:38I'm not just going to go through them.
11:39There's no skill in this.
11:43Right.
11:46No, I see.
11:47Yeah.
11:47See what I mean?
11:48Well, yeah, I guess so, yeah.
11:50What am I supposed to do?
11:51React?
11:53No!
11:56No!
11:59That's a watermelon.
12:02Umbrellas.
12:04I'm tempted to do this one, but I don't want to, because I just don't want nothing weird
12:09falling on me.
12:12Oh, that's not traumatizing.
12:14No!
12:16Hey, man, let's just pull, bro.
12:17At the end of the day, it is what it is.
12:19Bang!
12:20Bang!
12:21Bow!
12:22Not a bell.
12:22Yeah, it's furthest right twins.
12:24Life is about the now.
12:26Boom!
12:28There's no bell.
12:29There's no bell.
12:30Ten.
12:32There's no bell.
12:34Wait, what?
12:36You've got seven minutes left.
12:38Oh!
12:44There might be a bell in the, uh, in the music.
12:48Yeah.
12:52Great.
12:52Ah, yeah.
12:53Happy?
12:54Yeah, I've stopped the clock.
12:55Yeah.
12:55Are you happy?
12:56Yeah, I found the bell.
12:57Yeah.
12:58I found the bell.
12:59I'll go and get dry now.
13:00I've, um, I'll just, uh, yeah.
13:03Yeah.
13:04It's great fun.
13:05Isn't it?
13:07What?
13:19You look like you're having the time of your life pulling those ropes.
13:22No, I was a bit traumatised to be fair.
13:24Were you?
13:25Yes, because I don't like these...
13:27I don't like doing things where I don't know what's on the other end.
13:30Yeah, you came to the wrong show.
13:34Two more contrasting catchphrases you couldn't hear.
13:38Baba shouting, life is about the now.
13:41And Jack saying, it's entirely random, so I've lost interest.
13:46It was like day 34 of these tasks,
13:49and it was beginning to wear thin on me and...
13:52No way.
13:53Yeah, I know, I put all my energy into concealing that,
13:57because I know it's a fun show.
13:59They both did eventually ring a bell after pulling ten ropes,
14:03so they got exactly the same result.
14:05Break time now and a chance to continue the housework.
14:08Maybe make the kids pack lunches, load the dishwasher,
14:11or chuck that lump you married into the street.
14:14Imagine having the bed to yourself.
14:16It's not like it's been used for anything else.
14:20We'll see you in a minute.
14:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:55What are you doing, Emma?
14:57I'm just, erm...
14:59I'm walking backwards.
15:02Right.
15:04It says you pulled it, but can I shake it?
15:10When you use something, you can zoom in,
15:12but in real life you have to do it with your body.
15:15So if you want to see something close up...
15:17You're zooming out?
15:17Yeah, I'm zooming out.
15:18Right.
15:19I'm not pulling it!
15:27That didn't help actually quite as much as I wanted.
15:39Fuck.
15:40The end of your hole feels quite light.
15:47Is it all there?
15:50I'll be honest with you, it's not going well at all.
15:53Look.
15:57Fuck me!
16:02That's her bell!
16:03That's her bell!
16:04Oh!
16:06Oh, my God!
16:10I think I'd join there.
16:13Zero ropes pulled.
16:15I'm just zooming out again.
16:17Yep, yep.
16:18Don't pull off a chair.
16:24I rang it one.
16:26OK.
16:27And close the outlet.
16:29See you later.
16:30And bye, very good.
16:31APPLAUSE
16:36Yet again, another example of your crushingly low self-esteem.
16:40The last thing you said as you leave,
16:42I'm good at this, beat, I'm very good.
16:47Can you argue with me though?
16:50Yeah, sure.
16:51Why did you spend ages shaking the ropes?
16:55You need to get some footage.
16:58LAUGHTER
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05You've got away with that.
17:07You just shook the ropes for ages.
17:08Yeah!
17:09That is a good idea though, isn't it?
17:11Yeah!
17:11That's how she knew the others.
17:13I don't believe it!
17:14Yeah.
17:14What, you can feel what?
17:16Nothing!
17:17Nothing!
17:18Nothing.
17:18So you were shaking to see if there was a bell?
17:20Yeah.
17:21OK.
17:21You need to wake up, mate.
17:22LAUGHTER
17:26And this coming from a woman who appears to have a zoom lens system.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:34As it went on, I was like, this is actually, there's something in this.
17:39There's something in zooming in and out of things?
17:42With your body.
17:43With your body and heads.
17:45People did that for thousands and thousands of years.
17:48The original zoom.
17:49Yeah, yeah.
17:50And you would know, yeah.
17:51The original zoom.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:53Oh, she's turned on you, Andy.
17:56She's turned on you.
18:00X2, Emma.
18:03She ran the bell, though.
18:04Yeah, she ran the bell.
18:05She only pulled one rope.
18:06OK.
18:06And so it's pretty clear.
18:08Andy doesn't get any points.
18:09He didn't do the task.
18:10Joint third.
18:11Bubba and Jack both get three points.
18:13Emma gets four points.
18:14Rosie didn't pull any.
18:15She gets five points.
18:16That's it.
18:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:20Do you want me to look at a scoreboard, then?
18:22We can.
18:22Both at the top of the leaderboard with nine points.
18:24Emma and Rosie, joint first.
18:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:29I'd like another task, please.
18:31I don't believe you, but here you go anyway.
18:48MUSIC PLAYS
18:51Rosie!
18:53Oh, I see.
18:54Yep.
18:54Hello.
18:57You're dressed as a hot dog, Rosie?
18:59Yes.
19:00I'm feeling confident.
19:03Andy, you're in this chair, so would you mind just popping this on your lap
19:07and then poking your head through the hole?
19:09If you pop your head through there, it should go.
19:13Oh, that's perfect.
19:14That's dope.
19:15Suits you, brother.
19:16You look lovely, Jackie!
19:21Get to Jackie and the hot dog!
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27OK.
19:30Work out what is in the box.
19:32You must not look, feel or inspect the box in any way.
19:37Your team-mate must not show you the contents of the box.
19:46They may only make silent facial expressions
19:49unless answering Alex's questions.
19:53Your team-mate must not nod or shake their head.
20:02The fastest to work out what's in the box wins.
20:04Your time starts and ends on Alex's whistle.
20:07Here I come.
20:14Mm-hm.
20:15OK.
20:16Yep.
20:17Can you get your bum out of our face, man?
20:20LAUGHTER
20:30I've got something just for you there.
20:32All right, OK.
20:34You must lie throughout the next task.
20:39Born to do it.
20:40Every time you tell the truth,
20:42everyone in your team will lose an actual taskmaster point.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:46Your time starts when you walk into the task room
20:48and ends when you leave after the task is complete.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:55Stick out your tongue if it was a food.
21:01APPLAUSE
21:05Did you not realise that this little weasel had implemented the opposite system?
21:10I feel quite sad.
21:14LAUGHTER
21:14LAUGHTER
21:15I've been let down my jacket.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:19I was doing it for your best interest, Rosie.
21:22I was...
21:23Honestly, I would never let you down ordinarily,
21:26but there were points to play for here.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:29It's really sweet to see that there's such sadness
21:32between two very tight team-mates.
21:35Yeah.
21:35And I think implementing the Joker on a team task
21:38shows a great deal of faith in your team-mate.
21:41Because as soon as I found out that I was on a team of Jackie,
21:50I was like, he's my comedy hero.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:58LAUGHTER
22:00LAUGHTER
22:02He won't let me down.
22:05He won't let you down.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07Do you think that the faith that you have in Jackie,
22:11your comedy hero, is reciprocated the other way?
22:15Let's have a look at this clip.
22:16Get to Jackie and the hot dog!
22:22LAUGHTER
22:25There are loyalties about to be stretched.
22:28There are friendships at risk.
22:30Well, first, we're going to see the team of three
22:32and Andy's little face doing its best to convey
22:35what's-in-the-box to Bubba and Emma whilst lying.
22:39LAUGHTER
22:40Stick out your tongue if it was a food.
22:45So, it wasn't a food?
22:46It wasn't food.
22:48Er...
22:48Andy, stick out your tongue if it's related to one of us.
22:55There you go.
22:56Stick out your tongue if it's figurines of us.
23:02Have they worked out what's in the box yet, Andy?
23:04Er, yes.
23:06Well, I don't think you have, sir.
23:08Well, you two got to have it out now,
23:10because he thinks it is.
23:12OK.
23:13Is the lining plush, like, velvet?
23:18Velvet lining.
23:19Andy, do you actually know what velvet is?
23:21Oh.
23:21No.
23:23Andy is lying!
23:25Everything that Andy says is a lie!
23:27Are you lying, Andy?
23:28No.
23:28No.
23:29This man doesn't know what velvet is!
23:31Look at him!
23:32He's Andy's Altzman!
23:33He knows what velvet is!
23:35Right.
23:36Is it something you can eat?
23:37Stick out your tongue.
23:39So, it is something you can eat!
23:42Is it cheese?
23:44Is it canned fish?
23:47Is it fish?
23:48Is it baked beans?
23:50Is it old bread?
23:51Is it something that a prepper would have in their house?
23:54What's a prepper?
23:55Yeah.
23:55You know, so the end of the world is coming.
23:58You stock up all your cans.
24:00The end of the world isn't coming.
24:02Alec!
24:03Yeah.
24:04What do we do?
24:07Andy, is it peas?
24:09Is it brussel sprouts?
24:11Is it kale?
24:12Andy.
24:12Andy.
24:13Andy, is it boiled?
24:14Did it smell?
24:15Could you pickle it?
24:16Was it an onion?
24:16Is it a cucumber?
24:17Is it an orange?
24:19Is it an mango?
24:20Is it strawberries?
24:21Oh, my God.
24:27Blueberries.
24:28Uh...
24:28Kiwi.
24:29Lime.
24:30Lemon.
24:31Lemon?
24:32It's lemons!
24:34I think it's lemons, you know.
24:36Andy.
24:36Is it, like, lemons and Bible or something?
24:40Interesting.
24:42Lemons and the dictionary?
24:45Is it written text?
24:46Could you read it?
24:48Could you read it and enjoy it?
24:52No.
24:52It's boring.
24:54It's, like, numbers.
24:55It's lemons and reams of data.
24:57Are there any numbers in there, Andy?
25:00No.
25:01Money.
25:02It's lemons and money.
25:04It's lemons and ten quid.
25:07It's lemons and a five pound note.
25:11I don't think you should set the clip.
25:13You're half right.
25:14It's lemons and...
25:15Two pound fifty.
25:16There's one lemon.
25:18There's one lemon.
25:19One lemon and a five pound note.
25:21And five pound note.
25:21Oh!
25:22My God, you've got to be kidding me, Glenn.
25:24Oh, my God!
25:26Are you joking?
25:32It's just genuinely impressive, wasn't it?
25:35Yes, it is.
25:37The turning point when you realise the system,
25:40based on the fact that it was preposterous
25:42that Andy Zaltzman wouldn't know what velvet is.
25:46You think that Zaltzman doesn't know what velvet is?
25:50He sleeps atop a velvet bed!
25:53It's our little secret, Greg.
25:55So, Emma worked out the opposite system.
25:57She worked out it was opposite stay fairly early,
25:59within about eight minutes,
26:00but then there was another half an hour before...
26:05Yeses all together.
26:07I can tell you that Andy did not tell the truth at any point,
26:09so there's no points docked.
26:11Yes, indeed.
26:12Right, time to watch some adverts
26:15and wipe those crumbs off your chest.
26:18Yeah, they've been there the whole time.
26:27APPLAUSE
26:33Hi!
26:34Welcome back, it's part three of Taskmaster
26:36and a tricky team task is in the final throws.
26:39Yes, there's only Jack and Rosie to go
26:41and Rosie's dressed as a hot dog,
26:43so double points for her at the end of the task.
26:46But actual points can be lost if Jack tells the truth to her,
26:49so maybe potentially double negative points for Rosie?
26:52We don't know.
26:52It's all very exciting.
26:54And here we go.
26:55Is it food?
26:59Is it a fruit?
27:03A banana?
27:06Apple?
27:07Grapes?
27:12Grapes?
27:16Is it a citrus?
27:20Is it a lemon?
27:26Lemon.
27:28Lemon bleach?
27:37Jack is she along the right lines definitely I think it's only a matter of seconds before she
27:43guesses all the items right in the box okay
28:05communication I don't think it is a book a living creature at all a rubber duck
28:21Jack you think Rosie should ask much much more specific questions I think her approach of just
28:27scattered gun guesses is he's eventually going to do it
28:31all right
28:32it could take a few months
28:33is it made of glass?
28:38metal?
28:39is it made of paper?
28:56is it five pounds?
29:01five pounds and eleven
29:10I put it to you that Rosie's guesses were entirely arbitrary and that wasn't helped by Jack who was openly
29:17talking at times and never at any point as far as I could work out doing what he was told
29:23and doing the opposite
29:24oh that's not fair
29:28you can't tell a lie with a facial expression
29:30yes you can Jack
29:31no no no you can't I otherwise my wife has been lying to me for a long time
29:37that I do not accept
29:39we'll repeat two of the rules they may only make silent facial expressions they must not nod or shake their
29:46head
29:47yes
29:47okay okay so that part of the task was told to me at least 20 minutes before that happened
29:53yeah
29:54I can't remember stuff for that long and just make it work
29:58oh
29:58oh well then four points to cut it
30:00how are you feeling in all this Rosie?
30:04why did you pop me with granddad?
30:11so the rules for the liars were a point docked for their team every time they told the truth
30:17yes
30:18I would say there was generally only three occasions where she asked a question and he openly nodded or shook
30:24his head
30:24so we're docking three points
30:26I guess the question is do you want to dock the hot dog six points
30:31dock six, dock six
30:35my understanding if you play your joker you get double points
30:38correct that's always said
30:40there's no suggestion in the event of an abject failure that you should be docked double points
30:46but I also think that they had to stick to the rules and they didn't stick to them
30:49so this team won the task they get five points each?
30:51correct
30:52minus three to the table of two
30:57that's okay
30:58I've got this, I've got what's next though
31:01okay, well Greg, all the information is in the snacks
31:15hello
31:16Emma, great to see you
31:18great to see you
31:19that's what I said
31:22okay
31:22I love fortune cookies
31:27eat and obey five fortune cookies
31:30fastest wins, your time starts now
31:36oh man
31:39I don't want to do like some weird stuff bro
31:43so I could get pedantic about what obey means, I mean to obey a fortune cookie, you know
31:48jump up and down
31:50you know
31:55frequently on this show Baba has announced that he doesn't want to do something weird
31:59and he's just come to the wrong show
32:03genuinely loved this one, it's Rosie and Baba
32:09we're off
32:10um
32:10yeah
32:39yeah
32:50hopefully
32:51the last one
32:52maybe
32:52I also
32:52yes
32:52how can I think
32:52that means
32:52last week
32:52it
32:52is
33:10hundred인지
33:10the
33:10you
33:10the
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